#to quote trevor - oh my god this is so embarrassing

[morganrielly]

[heartofether]

Bonus Episode #3 - Leave a Message TRANSCRIPT

[You can listen to the show wherever you get your podcasts, or go to our “Listen” page if you’re on desktop.]

VAL

Hey there! Val here with a couple of special announcements before our third bonus episode. First off, our season two release date has been set and will soon be announced. Before then, however, we have an abundance of teasers and bonus content coming your way. Be sure to follow us on Twitter and Tumblr to keep up with all of our new releases.

Second, do you want to talk to other Heart of Ether fans, either about the show or whatever else your heart desires? We now have an official Discord server! We have automatic roles, specialized channels, daily quotes and question of the day, and in the future, we may use it to host special events. The invite link is on our socials and our Carrd, and we would love it if you joined us!

Last but certainly not least: we all like tea, right? What about podcast-themed tea? That’s right, you can now buy The Heart of Ether-themed tea with the help of Adagio Teas! (not sponsored, just using the service) A portion of the proceeds will go to The Trevor Project, which helps provide crisis intervention and suicide prevention for LGBTQ+ youth. The link to browse our tea collection will be in the description of this episode, or on our socials if you want to look there.

Right, I’m done with my rambling. Here’s another bonus fluff episode—and this time I at least 90% mean it! Talk to you soon!

AUTOMATED VOICE

Please state your message.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS.]

[THE DIALOGUE THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE EPISODE IS SLIGHTLY MUFFLED, AS IF THEY ARE SPEAKING OVER THE PHONE.]

ROSE

Hi! This is Rosemary Quinn. Unfortunately, I’m not able to return your call right now, but leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Have a lovely day!

[PHONE BEEP.]

IRENE

Hey, it’s Irene. I just wanted to check and see when you’d be coming over? Text me and let me know if you have an estimate.

Oh, and my dad is going to the store, so I know you mentioned wanting to make brownies? Did you mean, like, from scratch or is just a box mix fine? ‘Cause I’m good with whatever. Just text me what you need, and I’ll ask him to pick it up. See you later! Bye!

[PHONE BEEP.]

IRENE

Hey. It’s Irene. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you. Thanks.

[PHONE BEEP.]

ROSE

Hi, Irene! I’m sorry to call, but you said you were having some issues with your texts, so I thought this would be a safer bet. Are you available after school today? If you don’t mind, I could really use some help with the chemistry homework. You seemed to at least kind of understand it, or maybe you were just pretending like the rest of us were. [SHE GIGGLES.]

I also just am not super fond of Mr. Morrison. Nobody is. I mean, I try to be nice to him, nicer than most other students, and I think he likes me for that. It doesn’t mean he’s actually willing to be helpful, though. I think he sees me as some sort of air-headed bimbo, which is both misogynistic and presumptuous. Olivia told me he might be retiring, though, so fingers crossed?

Anyways, would we be able to meet up and work on it together? I’ll buy you a coffee for your time. Just let me know! Oh, and no need to call me back, we’ll see each other at school most likely. I just thought I’d call and ask before I forgot. I’ll talk to you later, bye!

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

IRENE

Hey, are you still at the school? I try to have school spirit—sometimes—but events really aren’t my thing. Maddy seemed to be into it, though, so I figured you might still be hanging out with her.

Anyways, if you decide you’re done with it, I was thinking about going to Sonic and it’d be great if you tagged along? It’s not the same when I go by myself. I’ll pay, obviously, since I’m the one inviting you. Call me back if you’re interested, and we can work something out. Alright, bye.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[THERE IS THE SOUND OF DISTANT CONVERSATION AS ROSE TALKS]

ROSE

Hi there, Maddy just wanted me to tell you that when you get here, make sure you go through the back door so you don’t disturb her grandparents. They’re not in a great mood tonight. You’ll have to hop the fence, but if you need help, I can go down there. I’m excited to see you! Bye!

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[THERE IS A SLIGHT BREEZE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.]

IRENE

Hey there, I just wanted to apologize for leaving in such a rush. It was just a lot, and I didn’t really, well. I honestly didn’t feel super welcome there? That’s not your fault, though. It was everyone else.

It just—I don’t want to sound rude, but it doesn’t feel like our “group” actually cares about me a lot? I mean, maybe it’s because of my interests, or because I don’t dress or act like stereotypical straight girls do. I’ve known them all since freshman year, but honestly? You’re the only one I’ve ever really clicked with.

They like you, though. Everyone does. I don’t mean that in a snarky or jealous way. Just in the way that…well, you’re Rosemary Quinn. Everyone wants to be your friend, I guess. You just have that aura.

[A BEAT, THEN, EMBARRASSED] God, I’m sorry, that’s such a weird thing to say. I’m really not good at this whole friends thing, huh? I’m surprised you’ve stuck around for this long. I called you to apologize—now for multiple things it appears—but also to tell you that if you’re looking for me, I went to the park. It’s like a five-minute walk from Maddy’s house, and I have my board with me, so that helped.

I’m sure you’re not looking for me. You’re probably having fun at Maddy’s birthday party. You texted me to ask if I was okay, though, so I guess that’s why I called. You always do. You’re the one person who’s consistently cared, who’s always checked in on me when my social anxiety kicks in and I decide to leave early. Is that how you are with everyone, or…?

Jeez, I’m sorry, I’m rambling. Just, sorry for running off, I’m at the park sitting on the swings if you need me. Bye.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

IRENE

[SOMEWHAT DESPERATE] Hey, it’s Irene. Please call me back. I— [SHE HUFFS.] I really think we need to talk.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

IRENE

[DEFEATED] This is my third time trying to call you. At this point, I’m pretty certain you’re actually ignoring me.

I’m not mad, Rose. I promise I’m not. It was—it was nice! I liked it. Really liked it, actually, um. But you ran off to go home before we could really talk about it, and now it really feels like you. Well. Like you didn’t mean to, and now you regret it.

[SHE GROANS.] I’m not saying that to guilt trip you. I mean, maybe I’ve got it completely wrong. Maybe you’re scared that I didn’t like it, which isn’t true. Which would mean that we’re just walking in circles around each other, worried about what the other thinks. It would be funny if I wasn’t so worried about you.

[A BEAT, THEN] Do you wanna know the truth, Rose? I’ll tell you.

[SOFTER] Do you remember when we were building snowmen back in December, outside of the school? You made one named—god, I don’t remember. Was it Queen of the Valley? Some sort of royalty. You always come up with such extravagant names for things, it’s…

Anyways, you said what would make it perfect is if it had a crown to wear. By some absolutely absurd coincidence, I had a paper crown in my locker. I had learned to make them during study hall when I got bored. The school was still open, so I ran back inside through the empty hallways to go grab it.

When I came back outside, you grinned, your cheeks rosy and your hair still a mess from the wind that had only just died down. You took the crown from me, and you looked me in the eyes, giggling. You said, “I could kiss you right now.” Then you ran to give her majesty the crown.

And I didn’t say it. Of course I didn’t. I was too scared of that feeling I felt. I felt so warm, even with a blizzard on the horizon, and that terrified me. I wanted you to kiss me, though. I wished so badly that you had, it physically ached.

I gazed at you there, as you placed the paper crown upon the Queen’s head, Maddy rolling her eyes, but still smiling. In the moment, though, I hardly processed she was even there. I didn’t even process the groundskeeper glaring at us, or the cars driving past as teachers left for the day. As I stared at you, it was like you were the only thing I had ever known, and all I remember thinking was, “This is what will destroy me. This will be my downfall.”

[A PAUSE, THEN, HOPEFUL] But maybe it doesn’t have to be. Because you did kiss me, in the end. I’m glad you did.

Call me back, please?

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[THERE IS BACKGROUND NOISE HEARD AS ROSE STANDS OUTSIDE OF HER HOUSE.]

ROSE

[SINKING INTO DISAPPOINTMENT] Hi, Irene! Just, um…just making sure we’re still going to the dance together. I’m outside my house waiting. My mom’s starting to get pretty upset with me for not being gone already, and just uh…standing here like an idiot. Won’t let me come back inside, though, because she thinks that if I’m not out here, you’ll—actually, I won’t try to understand her reasoning. I haven’t been able to for the past sixteen years.

But, um…please let me know? I’ll be waiting. Goodbye.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[IRENE IS HEARD DESPERATELY TRYING TO GET HER SHOES ON AND GET OUT THE DOOR.]

IRENE

Rose, I am so, so, so sorry I’m late. I promise, I’m on my way, I’m literally—

[HER DAD CALLS OUT, MUFFLED BY THE DOOR, AND SHE CALLS BACK]

IRENE

Yeah, I’m coming!

[THEN, AS SHE'S HEARD RACING ACROSS THE CARPET] I don’t wear makeup very often and I kept messing up my eyeliner and by the time I looked at the clock—I’m sorry. I have no idea how I’m supposed to make this up to you, but I’ll be there as fast as I can, okay?

[MUTTERING, CURSING HERSELF AS SHE PACKS HER BAG] First dance I get with you and it’s the only one I’m late to. Of course it is.

[SHE'S HEARD WALKING OUT OF HER ROOM, THE DOOR OPENING.]

IRENE

Okay, I’m going outside now. I love you. See you soon.

[PHONE BEEP.]

[THIS TAKES PLACE SECONDS AFTER THE LAST ONE.]

IRENE

[SLOWLY] So. I just told you I love you. I didn't mean to, but if you feel that way, too, then great. If not, then just pretend it was a slip of the tongue and we can spend the rest of the night pretending it never happened! Yeah. Um. Yeah. See you soon.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[THERE IS AMBIANCE OF THE CAFE AND PASSERBYS AS ROSE TALKS.]

ROSE

Hi, I’m outside of the cafe now! I haven’t ordered yet, so we can go in together.

[A BEAT, THEN, SOFTER] I brought something for you. Early this morning, when dawn was just barely teasing the sky, I couldn’t fall back asleep. I have no idea why I woke up in the first place. Maybe my muscles knew something I didn’t. I decided to slip out through my bedroom window, though.

If my mom noticed, she hasn’t told me yet. She knew I was going out today, but I’m sure I’ll still come home to her sitting on the couch intently, giving me that look she always does. I don’t care. She can do whatever she wants.

I got on my bike and I rode out to the park—not the one we usually go to. This one is in the opposite direction. It’s much vaster, less playset and more nature. There were flowers that had just started blooming. I picked some with the gentlest hand I could manage. I wish I had thought to bring scissors, but I hope the flowers will forgive me for my carelessness.

I thought long and hard before picking each one, making sure the colors matched just right, that the sweet scent they produced was in perfect harmony. I tied them with a ribbon I had around my wrist, and sealed it with a kiss, just for you. It took me all morning.

[A BEAT, THEN, SHE GIGGLES] Oh, wait, I think I just saw you pull in. Okay, I’ll talk to you in a second—

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

IRENE

Hey. Just wanted to make sure you got home safe. I love you. Call me back when you hear this, okay?

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

ROSE

[LAUGHING] God, I must have just missed you. Yes, I got home safe. Thank you for checking, dear. Sir Griffin the Third says hello!

[TO SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD] Hey, look, it’s Irene. Say hello!

[IRENE SHIFTS. SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD IS HEARD PURRING. HE GIVES A SMALL MEOW.]

ROSE

[GIGGLING] I’ll talk to you later, I love you!

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

IRENE

[HER VOICE CRACKING] Hey, I just saw your texts about your mom. Are you okay? Do you need me to come pick you up? You’re more than welcome to spend the night at my place. My dad said you can stay as long as you need, so don’t worry about that, okay?

I wish I could do more to help. I wish I could make her stop. Have you told your aunts about some of the stuff she’s done? They sound like good people, from what you’ve told me. I know they live far away, but still, they might be able to do something.

Right, um, just let me know if you need me to come get you. I love you. Bye.

[PHONE BEEP.]

[THERE IS RUSTLING AS ROSE LOOKS THROUGH HER BAG.]

ROSE

Hi, I’m sorry to bother you. I just wanted to check, did I lose my bracelet at your house? I can’t find it anywhere. It’s the one you gave me, and I really, really don’t want to lose it. It’s like a good charm for me. Please text me if you find it. If not, it’s okay. It might just be somewhere I haven’t checked yet. Thank you, honey. I love you. Goodbye.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[THERE IS THE SOUND OF HER CAR ENGINE, ALONG WITH SOFT GUITAR PLAYING OVER THE SPEAKER.]

IRENE

Hey, I’m parked outside! It’s okay if you’re not done yet, I can wait. I know you like to take your time getting ready for dances, and it definitely pays off. You’re gonna look beautiful regardless, though, so just come out when you’re ready. Love you!

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

ROSE

[TIRED] Hi. I’m sorry to call you so late. To be frank, I didn’t expect you to pick up at all, but I know you’ll hear this in the morning. I hope you’re sleeping well, by the way. I— [SHE YAWNS.] I can’t sleep. That’s not unusual, but I’ve just been thinking a lot.

Do you remember when you fell in the creek? It was late autumn, and even though I pulled you out just seconds after, your teeth were already clattering. I wanted to cry, you looked so miserable, but you acted like it was hardly a big deal.

That one coffee shop was the closest warm building, so I had to take you there. One of the baristas brought out some towels for you, and even gave you a free hot coffee. I should visit them again one day, if they still work there. Maybe bring them a thank-you gift.

Anyways, I gave you my jacket, which you almost refused because you didn’t want me to be cold, but I honestly didn’t even notice it. Once we were almost certain you weren’t going to catch frostbite, we went back to your car and drove back to your house.

On the way there, while we were at a stoplight, you looked at me and said, “I’m just happy it wasn’t you.”

I laughed and said, “Well, it feels like I was in there with you. I got chills just looking at you.”

You said, “Is that how relationships work? We feel each other’s pain?”

And I said, “What happens when one of us dies, then? Will the other die, too?”

And you said, “I hope so. I can’t imagine life without you.”

“But what if you could just live your life for me?” I said. “If one of us dies early, the other should have to live double the life to make up for it.”

You hummed, and then said something I’ll never forget: “I may continue living, but that doesn’t mean I’ll like it. Life is so wonderful when you’re in the world.”

And I should have told you, then, that whatever wonder I bring is only because of you. Every time you smile, or say something stupid, or brush your hair out of your face, there’s a bit more color in the world. I think our colors bleed together, then. You are a universe in my hands and I love you more than both of our lifetimes could ever contain.

And I didn’t have the words to describe it all until right this moment. I couldn’t afford to forget.

So, I love you. In this life and the next. Goodnight, dear.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[IRENE'S DAD IS HEARD TALKING ON THE PHONE IN ANOTHER ROOM. ON THE MIC, IRENE IS HEARD QUIETLY CRYING. THERE ARE FOOTSTEPS OUT IN THE HALL. THE DOOR OPENS.]

DETECTIVE

[DISTANT] Ms. Gray, could I please speak to you?

[A PAUSE AS IRENE SOBS.]

IRENE

[QUIET, SHAKILY] Please pick up.

[PHONE BEEP.]

AUTOMATED VOICE

Today's quote is: “Foul smell of the things that we do to escape There is no glamour in this. No rock and roll. This is just endings. This is just grief.”

Kate Tempest in Hold Your Own, 2014.

[OUTRO MUSIC AND CREDITS PLAY.]

[fratboyvivimatthews]

through a lens - jack hughes

summary: lol i don’t even know man. vlogs that’s all 

warnings: vlogging, swearing, babies 

word count: [2,595]

Your head rested back on Jack’s chest as you laid in between his legs. Holding your phone above your head so both you and Jack could watch the LaBrant Fam vlog. “I want a kid so we can do fun stuff like this,” you said tilting your head back to see Jack’s reaction. The smile that was on his face only grew after hearing your comment. “Don’t worry, I know we’re too young to have a kid,” you huffed quoting him from a couple of night ago. 

“Don’t make me the bad guy in this, I want a kid with you as much as you do, but we’re eighteen Y/n/n. Just gotta wait until you’re out of college, and I’m established in the NHL, then we can start our family.” Your heart was practically beating out of your chest as you listened to his words, and you could assume your cheeks matched the color of the sweatshirt you were wearing. “Looks like I felt you speechless, huh?”

A laugh fell from your lips as you tried to nodded your head yes. Your eyes then looked back up to the YouTube video that was playing, watching as Cole and Everleigh went down the waterslide together. Then it hit you, and if you had to say so, this was probably the best idea you’ve ever had. “Hey Jack, we should make a vlog.”

This time it was Jack who was laughing, “Babe you wanna start a vlog? Why - I mean what would we even do? People probably wouldn’t even watch it.” Frowning you sat up from laying on top of him, so you could face him. “Y/n/n come on, what would we even do? It’s not like people want to see what our lives are like.”

“You know that’s not true J, of course people wanna see what your life is like. Plus it would be so fun, we can do all sorts of stuff,” you explained shifting so you were now straddling his waist. Jack’s arms crossed over his chest, “Okay how about this, we just make one - try it out, and if you don’t like it we won’t make one. But if you like it, we make a channel and vlogs, deal?”

Jack sighed before nodding his head, “Okay deal.”

“Great, now let’s go make a vlog.” 

“Jack you’re supposed to turn here,” you instructed as your boyfriend missed the turn.

“Well why didn’t you tell me that sooner. Now where am I going to turn?” He asked quick glancing over at you, as you looked at the directions to Best Buy.

“Take a right at the next stop light,” you said before looking down at your phone camera. “Hey guys, so we’re new at this, and Jack doesn’t want even do thi-”

“I just don’t see how people will enjoy us doing random stuff,” he cut in shrugging his shoulders, “it’s not like we’re that interesting of people.” He looked over at you, then to the phone which you were now holding up so he’d be in the frame.

“We’re not the interesting of people,” you moaked. “Says the going to be first overall pick of the NHL draft.” Jack’s eyes rolled as he turned on to the next road, “Anyways, we’re on our way to Best Buy to get a camera to vlog with since phones aren’t ideal. Oh, keep going straight and it should be on the left.”

Jack nodded his head before putting his blinker on to merge into the turn lane, “Why are we going to buy a camera when we don’t even know if we’re going to make another one of these?” Your face stilled hoping he didn’t catch on to your plan. “Y/n, we made a deal!” He whined looking over at you again while waiting for the cars to pass by. “You can’t just back out of our deal babe.”

Your shoulders shrugged as you smiled over at the brunette, “Don’t worry about it J.” His eyes rolled as he pulled into the parking lot, “Come on you’re gonna have fun babe, I know I’m having fun.” You looked back to the camera winking, knowing you were slowly winning him over. “Plus now people can see all the stupid stuff we do when we’re with each other.”

He stayed quiet as he pulled into a parking spot, thinking over if this whole vlog thing would work. Sighing he looked over at you with a smile, “Give me your phone, we have a vlog to film.”

You squealed before leaning over the middle consul to throw your arms around him. “I knew you’d cave Jackie! You’re gonna love it, I promise. Shoot we didn’t even introduce ourselves.”

“Hi guys I’m Y/n, and that beaut in the seat next to me is Jack, and today we’re just trying this whole thing out. Jack why don’t you tell them where we are,” you boyfriend chimed with a cheeky smile.

Your e/c eyes rolled before opening the Jeep door to get out. “Well Jack, we’re at Best Buy to buy a camera to film with, but I already said that earlier so why don’t we get a move on.”

“You were supposed to go with my joke Y/n/n, it was funny,” he whined walking around to your side of the Jeep, “I’m the funny one on this channel.” You hummed choosing to ignore his statement knowing it wasn’t true. If people were going to laugh it would be because of you.

You grabbed the phone from Jack’s hand to the camera was now focused on you, “And let the Best Buy montage being.” Throwing up a thumbs you ended the video knowing you’d have to go through and edit it later. “Okay so I have no idea what kind of camera we’re looking for, so who knows how long we’re gonna be here for.”

“Well that’s a problem, but I have an idea. Get a video for the vlog of this,” Jack instructed as he took off running towards the building. Doing as told you watched as he jumped up to finish the run with that heel click jump. “Did you get it?” He questioned as you shoved the camera in his out of breath face.

“Of course I got it, but are you okay? For someone who’s supposed to be a fit hockey player that little sprint killed you J,” you teased running your hand through his hair as he leaned over trying to regain his breathing.

Standing up he nodded his head. “I’m good, and for your information I am in shape it’s just the air is dry so it’s hard to run in,” he lied walking through the doors and into the store.

“Yep I’m sure that’s what it is,” you replied eyebrows raising as you walked past him and towards the direction of cameras.

“I hate you,” he mumbled knocking his shoulder against yours. “I actually don’t hate her,” he tried whispering only to the phone, “I love her very much. But she’s mean sometimes.”

“I am not!” you exclaimed slapping his shoulder, causing Jack to stare right at your phone while nodding towards you. “It’s not my fault you’re a baby about stuff - oh my god a baby!”

Your attention was pulled away from your phone and boyfriend, to the small human sitting in a cart being pushed by her mother. “Look how cute she is!” you gushed turning the phone so the camera was on the baby instead of you and Jack. “Jack I want a baby,” you added turning the camera so it was back on the two of you, in order to get his reaction.

He shook his head causing his curls to fall on to his forehead, “Babe we’ve talked about this. Not until after college.” A frown painted your face, “Don’t be like that Y/n/n, it’s only four years away.”

“Four too many,” you huffed walking away from him. Jack came running up to you seconds later making sure he didn’t lose you in the store, “Okay but on a serious note, we need to find a camera. So Best Buy camera montage officially starting, now.”

The next thirty minutes were spent wandering around the isles looking for a camera that made the most sense for you guys to get, and one that wasn’t too expensive.Not only that, but stupid things of you guys filming while messing around. “Okay what about this one?” You asked holding up a camera and getting Jack’s attention.

He stared down at the information before nodding, “I think we just found our camera. Now we just need a stand thingy.” A laugh escaped your mouth causing Jack’s eyes to widen, “What? It’s what I said isn’t it?”

Nodding your head you smiled, “It almost always is babe. Now let’s go find one of those stand thingys.” Jack’s eyes rolled, but it didn’t stop him from wrapping his arms around your waist and pressing a long kiss to your cheek.

“You know you’re lucky that I love you, I always let you make fun of me,” Jack complained tightening his arms around your waist. “Any time I do something I swear you started to make fun of me.”

You scoffed, “And you don’t make fun of me?” You felt as he shrugged his shoulders, “Okay so we both make fun of each other, can we just agree on that? “ He muttered a yeah satisfying you, “Good because we still need to find the stand, and then I want food. I’m hungry.”

“You’re always hungry,” Jack remarked with a cheeky smile, “but I guess we can get food after, I’m kinda hungry too.” He pulled away from you, reaching over to grab the stand, “And look we found it, so let’s go check out, and get some food.”

You smiled over at him, “Can we go to Chick Fli A?”

His hand reached over to pinch your cheek, “I can’t say no to that face now can I?” You shook your head no, as Jack started to cringe. “If Trevor watches these we’re gonna get so much sh- crap.”

“Nice save.”

“Thank you, I tried really hard,” Jack beamed a smile growing on his face showing he was proud of his accomplishment. “Now let’s go check out, god the cashier is going to think we’re crazy for filming,” he added while looking back to the phone. You shrugged your shoulders smiling back at him, “Yolo right?”

Laughter bubbled up from your chest causing your to stop in your tracks, and almost drop the box the camera was in. “J- J are you trying to kill me?” You wheezed holding your abdomen, “God it hurts so bad, please never ever say that again,” you begged trying hard to stand up straight, but that didn’t look like it was going to happen anytime soon.

“It wasn’t even funny, I don’t get why you’re laughing so hard over this,” he groaned grabbing the phone so the camera could see what you looked like. “We used to say ‘yolo’ all the time when it was a thing, if I remember correctly you had a shirt that said it.”

Your cheeks burned red as you quickly stood up straight and started walking towards the checkouts again. “You didn’t have to bring that up Jack,” you mumbled embarrassment taking over your body. “That was in like fifth grade,” you added not daring to turn around and face his shit eating grin.

“So? The people need to know,” Jack stated as if it was plain as day, “I just give them what they want.” You turned to look over your shoulder to see he wore a cocky smirk while he sauntered over to you.

Rolling your eyes you stole your phone back from him while standing in line, “He think he’s some hot shot now. Boy is he in a for a rude awakening.” After getting a weird look from the cashier your stuff was all paid for, and your boyfriend was asked for a picture.

So being the good girlfriend that you are you snapped the picture before handing the teenager her phone back. As soon as he was back at your side Jack slid his hand into yours, “So how about that food?” 

Sighing you rubbed your hands up and down your face, “I didn’t realize it would be this hard to edit a video.” Jack looked up from his phone and over to you with a neutral expression. “Thank you Jack, you’re such a help. I love you so much,” you added sarcasm dripping from every word.

“You know I aim to please,” he countered with a smirk, “oh and I love you too.” Frustrated you turned back around in the chair clicking on random clips trying to arrange them for the video. 

“Welcome to B-b-b-b-b-est Buy!” Jack cheered with a lopsided grin causing your eyes to roll, but you still couldn’t help but laugh at your dorky boyfriend.

You felt Jack’s hand on your shoulder as he peered over you to his MacBook to see what you were doing. “If that doesn’t make the video I quit. That’s comedic gold.” Your fingers moved to drag the clip the one right after you teasing Jack about being out of shape.

Jack’s hand trailed down your arm and hit the play button, letting the ten minute long video play off of his laptop. “Oh, we need to make an intro, but that can be for the next video,” you informed looking back up at him. He nodded his head with a smile too wrapped up in the video to care about a thing you were saying.

“Okay but on a serious note, we need to find a camera. So Best Buy camera montage officially starting, now,” you said before the video cut to you and Jack picking up different cameras on display.

Jack held one up to his eye, “Let me take your picture.” Your laughter mixed together, and strangers could be seen in the background giving the both of you concerned looks. The two of your shared a look before laughing more. 

Jack fast forward the video to the end causing you to smile. 

“You know I gotta admit I actually like this,” Jack confessed causing you to spit out your pop all over the Hughes’ dining room table. “I hope you know you’re the one that’s gonna clean that up,” he added with a cheek smile.

Rolling your eyes you nodded. “So you actually like vlogging?”

“Yeah I’m happy you decided we should do it Y/n/n. Gives us something to do you know?”

“Good, I told you J, I told you that you’d have fun,” you teased before leaning across the table to peck his lips.

The video then jumped to you and Jack sitting on his bed, “So that’s our first vlog! We’re happy to say that there are definitely going to be more in the future, and that we both really enjoyed doing this.”

“Yeah it was different, the looks we got from people were funny, but overall I had a really good time. And this way you all get to see what a handful Y/n actually is,” Jack added with a cheeky smile as he glanced over at you.

Your eyes rolled before you faced the camera again, “Anyways I’m Jack.”

“And I’m Y/n.”

“And we’ll see you next time.” The both of you both started laughing as the video faded out.

[maxinebeauchamp]

Speed Meet | Maggie & Maxine

@maggie-see

Valentine’s Event, 2020

Note: Each paragraph switches perspective, starting with Maggie

Maggie fiddled nervously with the blue wristband adorning her wrist, shifting her weight around every few moments as she waited for her partner to show up. Hearing approaching footsteps she looked up, a grin spreading across her face when she saw who it was. "I know that Edgewood is a small town, but really?"

A grin also spread across Maxine's lips as she approached the table to see Maggie. So far it seemed like she was running into people she knew to some extent. "Well, well, well, fancy seeing you here, Mags," she began glancing down to see the color of her wrist band. "Opting out of the speed dating, huh?"

"It's not really my speed." Maggie said, giggling at the unintended pun. "But it's always nice to meet people. Or re-meet people. Part of the whole 'being done with the bullshit' thing I'm trying this year."

Maxine rolled her eyes at the terrible pun, but couldn't help the smile that tugged at her lips. "I am proud of you for that. You've had to put up with a lot of bullshit. But do you really have no interest in dating anyone right now? Or are you nervous about dating? I'm always happy to give advice, you know."

"Maybe a little bit of both?" She said, waving her hand in a 'so-so' gesture. "I think that I would rather know someone first, a little bit. Or at least have been set up by a mutual friend? I know that I have a bit of a... reputation."

The woman let out a hum. "Well, to be fair, I feel like there are a lot of people here for the dating that you've met before. And most everyone in this town has some sort of reputation. This town is too small for anyone to be anonymous. But, who cares about reputations anyways? You're kick ass Mags."

Maggie ducked her head at the compliment. "Thanks. And look, I know that, and you know that. But a lot of people think I'm just crazy.  Even the people here that I know. Not everyone is willing to accept that fact that ghosts are real, even if they know about all the other things that go bump."

The woman gave a nod and shrug at that. "There's no denying that. I mean, there is some serious lack of insight if people can accept some things and not others," she shook her head. "Anyways, we'll just have to find another way to get others to forget. Being charming is one way." The woman sat up. "Sooo what is your flirting style?"

"I don't think I have one? It's been a long time since I've even thought about going on a date. Like. A long time." Probably since high school, if Maggie was being honest. "At this current moment in time I would probably attempt some really poor puns. Or start quoting High School Musical."

"Everyone has a flirting style." Then Maggie expanded on her style, and Maxine raise both of her brows. "Okay, well, someone may find that charming. We can work on refining that... Reputation aside, do you want to get out and date? I mean, if not, we can just switch gears to people watching. But we're here in a place where it is expected, so... you could practice."

"Yeah, I know. You can laugh, it's okay. I'm pretty sure the last time I went on a date was high school." Maggie took a moment to take a look around the room, and those gathered in it. "I mean the goal of tonight isn't to go home with a date or anything, but I guess it would be nice to put myself out there again?"

Maxine put both of her hands up. "Hey, I'm not gonna laugh. You have a unique style and that's what I like about you. It's cute." The woman leaned on the table. "No, but you could leave with some phone numbers. Let's pretend I am a single woman that you want to ask out -" she dramatically reseated herself and pulled out her phone. "Now you try to get my attention, and number."

"Maxine! No, I can't do that." Maggie squeaked. "That's- that's really weird!" She knew Maxine, though, and how determined she could get. "I'm not gonna get out of this, am I? Fine." She closed her eyes, shaking her shoulders out, then opened them. "Hey, do you come here often?" She said, leaning against the table. She'd had to clear her throat to get the words out, but it happened.

"It's only weird if you make it weird," she commented with a shrug. And Maggie relented, which caused Maxine to smirk. She was getting tired of casual conversation- flirting lessons, now that was something much more entertaining. The woman pretended to be distracted by her phone as Maggie readied herself. That was the opening line she was going with? Maxine had some notes, but she would stick to it. "No, not really. First time here, as a matter of fact. How about you?"

"It's my first time here too. I was hoping that you could tell me what's good on the menu. I was hoping that it's me 'n you." Maggie could feel her face heating up, oh god she can't believe that she was actually doing this.

It took a lot in Maxine to not giggle, but she was a woman practiced in keeping a facade (it was slightly impacted by the few drinks she'd had). "Are you now? And tell me, how do you intend to make that happen?" she suggestively questioned, attention drawn away from the phone now.

She was looking up from her phone, Maggie reminded herself that that was a good thing. "You're just going to have to order and find out, aren't you?"

It was incredibly difficult not to giggle. Instead the woman raised her brows at the comment. After a moment, she gave a few claps. "Okay, okay. Not bad. The intro was a bit clumsy though. Woman to woman the whole 'come here often' is still a bit cheesy. It looks like we've still got another minute or two left, so lets run the greeting again. But I'm impressed, you didn't fluster as easily as I thought you would."

"I told you that I was rusty." Maggie told her, relaxing as Maxine dropped the act. God, that was hard. "It was a struggle, believe me. If that doesn't work what do you suggest that I start with, then?" Was that cheating in this little exercise? Possibly. Did she care? Not at all.

The woman gave a shrug. "Rusty, sure, but not hopeless." For a moment, Maxine turned over the question in her mind, "well, I normally w- wait, wait. Nope, I can't give you that. Girl, you gotta find your style. I'm not saying to be like me, because that will be awkward. I'm trying to help you find confidence in flirting. So, let's run the intro again. Go with what feels natural, kay?"

Maggie whined, and she was only a little embarrassed about it. She’d had an idea of what she was getting into when she’d agreed to Maxine’s idea, but that didn’t mean she had to be happy about it. “I don’t know if I have it in me to do it again. We’re scraping the barrel here. This isn’t like riding a bike.”

Seeing the expression on Maggie's face, Maxine chuckled. "Alright, alright, I'll lay off you. My point is, you have the tools to flirt, it's just a matter of having the courage to use them, you know? I don't think we have much time left before we have to switch off. Which is a shame. I bet we could do some people watching and have some prime examples of what to do or not do."

"Okay, okay. I see your point. But I'm never doing this again, okay? It was weird flirting with you, even if it was just pretend." Maggie shook her head, taking a sip of her soda. "Oh no, if only there was a place we could go and people watch where people often try to pick others up. Somewhere like a a bar or a club. Do you know anywhere like that?"

Maxine snickered. "Never say never, Mags. It was weird, yes, but I am always happy to help someone learn to flirt." What did it say about her that she was missing flirting  with Spence and Nic being so busy they hardly had time together when they weren't all exhausted? "Okay, but, people at the club are drunk. Most people here don't have liquid courage to aid or lower their standards. Plus, there are more locals that I rarely see in this sort of setting, so you really can't fault me for finding this interesting." But her attention turned back to the younger woman. "Does that mean you wanna continue lessons at the club? Do some people watching?"

“See that’s where we’re different. You like flirting. I don’t mind friendly flirting but that was just weird. It was kind of like... trying to practice with Trevor, or something.” Maggie shuddered at the though. “It’s a different environment, sure, but the same basic rules still apply.” She shrugged. “I mean... I said no more BS and being afraid this year, I have to go through with it, right? Although, maybe we could start at a coffee shop.” Maggie could do the club, and she was finding that she was regaining her old confidence more and more everyday, but she was worried about how overwhelmed she might end up jumping right into the club scene.

"I don't know whether to be offended by that or not," Maxine teased. The woman knew it was probably weird, but it was still fun for her. After hearing the younger out, she gave a nod. "Okay, okay, coffee shop it is, then we work our way up. We'll make a natural out of you yet. A-" before her thought could be continue, the buzzer rang, signaling the end of their time. "Don't think I've forgotten this, I'll be texting you to make plans later."

[thelevelsman]

some (slightly edited) notes from my tfp rewatch (first time watching since it aired)

basically took my liveblogging and expanded upon parts that don’t make sense unless you’re me

‪‪Umbrella sword‬...wasn’t there something about gatiss scoffing at the idea that mycroft’s umbrella was actually a weapon? 

only thing i can find is an unsourced quote from gatiss: “I think it’s his comfort blanket. He may even sleep with it. The umbrella comes from a wonderful old shop in New Oxford St. They still advertise ‘dagger canes’ and ‘sword sticks’ but, to their great regret, are no longer allowed to stock them!” sooo....was this him hinting that it actually was a weapon? either way, it’s ridiculous and OOC 

‪i had it in my head that this first scene was a nightmare, like I remembered it that way - i was convinced i was gonna see mycroft waking up from a bad dream but it turned out that it was...real? that sherlock rigged his house/security to do that? i just...why would they make it seem so nightmarish

When John says “‪221B Baker Street” it feels so weird...J and S always been so recalcitrant about their own fame, to have John talk about their home in that way, almost like an advertisement, feels so strange and OOC

‪“This is family” “That’s why he stays!!!” and John smiles?! Last time I watched T6T I came up with a half-baked theory that John was always cheating on Mary with Sherlock and we just didn’t get to see the beginning of it, and that season 5 will be going back in time and filling in the gaps. Need to make a different post expanding on this but this particular line in TFP does support my theory.

‪‪The way Mycroft explains everything about Eurus is contrary to the way every episode has played out so far - he gives them all the answers right away. Such a red flag for me

Why did Mycroft not get injured in the explosion - I mean, it’s weird that none of them got injured, but we specifically see one of his men saying that he got injured, so...why? 

John answering Mycroft’s earlier question about who originally said “the truth is rarely pure and never simple” - JOHN knew that Oscar Wilde said that, and when he reveals this, Sherlock is shown smiling...WTF! 

‪”Frankly, this is embarrassing.” “Oh. Doing a cavity search?” like...literally why/what the fuck...why does he say this....with this face....

Ok so when John is watching Sister Edgelord’s video as what I presume is an introduction to her personality, she says the bit about good not being really good and evil not being really evil but the next sentence is this: “Bottoms aren’t really pretty and you are a prisoner of your own meat.” 

If this is all actually in John’s mind...interesting. It goes along with the theory that Culverton is John’s nightmare version of himself - a sexual predator type who is enslaved by his own sick desires.

‪Sherlock literally saying WHAT DO YOU MEAN, REWRITTEN‬ khdskfjh

‪John looking Sherlock DEAD in the eye when he says “I was” in response to “are you married” is like...sexy lmao ‬

‪I can’t believe how much like an escape room this stupid episode is‬

‪What if the episode is both J&S’s nightmares combined? The coffin is John’s coffin, and in John’s nightmare Sherlock doesn’t know that John loves him - Sherlock assumes the coffin is Molly’s, he gets the “who loves you?” question completely wrong. ALSO SLDJKSJSJSD WAIT five years ago, was that before Reichenbach? bc it’s explicitly stated in the show that Moriarty DIDN’T think of Molly, he didn’t endanger her bc he thought Sherlock didn’t care abt her. How does it make sense, if this is reality, that Eurus/Moriarty put Molly in harms’ way or knew that she would be of value to Sherlock? Ok anyway that was a separate point but my original point was that it’s both of their nightmares combined somehow and in the same scene we switch to Sherlock’s nightmare of being forced to tell a woman that he loves her in front of the man he actually loves. FUCK SAAAAKE!‬

‪OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!! WHEN SHERLOCK IS DEDUCING THE COFFIN, JOHN IS SHOWN SAYING “THAT WAS A LONELY NIGHT ON GOOGLE” ITS HIS FUCKING COFFIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!! FUCKING!!!!!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THIS!!!!!!!! FUCKING!!!!! SHOW!!!!!!!!‬

‪I’M LITERALLY GOING TO FUCKING THROW UP I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS.................everything he says regarding the purchaser of the coffin was abt John...also John is the one to challenge the “its for a woman” deduction, like, SHERL, why are u assuming its a woman just bc of height...

‪Sherlock says “I’m remembering the governor” before he goes to kill himself, I have no idea what that means but I feel like it has to be important‬

‪“You were upset, so you told yourself a better story”‬ BIG FUCKING SEASON FOUR MOOD

‪headcanon the cipher riddle is about John (I am lost without your love, save my soul seek my room ksjskjdjskdjdjfjdjdkkdjdjdjdjdjdkkdk)‬

‪How did he escape the well if his feet were chained, how did the police get there, why would Scotland Yard come if Mycroft’s people were already on it, how did they get off the island and to the Holmes’s childhood home, not to mention the mother fucking grenade lmao...so much suspension of disbelief is required for this episode to make physical, geographical sense, it is so SO far removed from the realities and physical constraints of space and time. I’m almost positive it’s a nightmare of some sort‬

‪The flat is destroyed in the beginning of the episode, signifying that the rest of the story is fake?‬

‪Maybe...ok if we are in John’s mind, it would make sense that Sherlock saves him from a completely impossible trap that also involved his brother and sister - John has always been scared of Sherlock’s origin/trauma but he believes so strongly that Sherlock is his savior (I was so alone and I owe you so much)‬

‪Are pirates and/or Victor Trevor queer coded? I don’t know I’m just wondering. Either way VT looks exactly like baby John lmaaaaooooooo so subtle

‪Eurus’s explanation about deep water is just a cover for the casuals, like it’s the show trying to tie it all together from Sherlock’s perspective when they’re concealing that we’re really just in John’s mind‬

‪John says “You gave her what she was looking for. Context.” does this support my “they’ve been together for a while now” theory? ITS A MAD WIDDLE!‬

‪Who the fuck is Uncle Rudi, did he put Eurus away? Why does it matter?‬

‪“If I’m gone, I know what you could become.” WHAT THE FUCK!‬ WHY THE FUCK! WOULD SHE SAY THIS!

“‪there’s always one last hope‬”

‪When they’re rebuilding the flat does it signal that now the show can get back on track?‬

‪The ep ending without a cliffhanger is like...almost a cliffhanger in itself...it’s a super meta cliffhanger bc it’s out of pattern so it signals that something is wrong....THE FUCKING LEVELS MAN‬

[weeklyhumorist]

Everyone Gawking at Me at This Skate Park is Failing to Focus on the 47% of Bones I DIDN'T Break

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I am so pumped! Yesterday was an amazing victory for me, as I attempted a very simple skateboard trick, flipped into the air a thousand times, crashed face first into the cement, and managed to not break 47% of the bones in my body. I think I speak for everyone — from the girls at the skatepark who wept in horror at the sight of me to the paramedics who vomited when they saw my mangled body — when I say HELL YES, this was a complete and total victory for me as a skateboarder and anyone saying otherwise is fake news.

  And yet today, all anybody is talking about is how I broke about 53% of the bones in my body and lost what the doctors called “all of my good skin.” These complete idiots, like especially the doctors and my mom, have totally lost sight of the fact that this is obviously exactly what I wanted to happen. Also does anyone have a torso sized band-aid? My spleen keeps getting out.

  For anyone who still doesn’t get it, let me spell it out for you: EVERYTHING YESTERDAY AT THE SKATE PARK WENT EXACTLY AS PLANNED. I WANTED to put my skateboard on the ground, I WANTED to look around to make sure everybody was watching, especially Stacy, who I have a huge crush on, and I WANTED to yell, “PAY VERY CLOSE ATTENTION TO ME, BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO DO SOME SKATEBOARDING,” and then start to put my toe on the board, stop one more time and say, “MAKE SURE YOU ARE SPECIFICALLY WATCHING, STACY” and then put one foot on the skateboard, push off gently with the other, and then, somehow, on a flat smooth surface with no obstacles in sight, dramatically fall off my skateboard so hard that I spun in the air a thousand times, and, while suspended in air, simultaneously scream, cry, fart, and quote the most intimate pages of my diary, until crashing to the ground so violently that the park is now rated R, which is not something that has ever happened to a park before as far as I’m aware. I can’t believe I have to spell this out for you dummies, but, uh, YEAH: obviously, this was a win for me.

  My performance at the skatepark was a referendum on my skateboarding skills, and the results are in: GOOD AT IT.

  Yesterday, as everyone watched my body flailing wildly in the air, hands desperately snatching for something — anything — to hold onto, but finding nothing, they were all so smug, saying to themselves, “Oh my God, he’s going to break every single bone in his body.” But guess what, idiots? Today, x-rays of what doctors have been referring to as “my salvageable parts” have revealed that I absolutely victoriously only broke a mere FIFTY-THREE PERCENT of my bones, and that’s why today is embarrassing for them and great for me, the person whose femurs have somehow “dissolved” and whose legs the doctors say are now “legally considered Pixie Sticks.”

  You know what else those doctors said when they were trying desperately to comfort my mom? That usually when you have a horrific skating accident like I did, you expect to lose a number of teeth, and yet I appear to have somehow GAINED several molars. Don’t ask me how that happened, and don’t bring up the fact that it’s weird that while teeth are technically bones, they aren’t counted as part of the skeletal system! What we SHOULD be spending this amazing day focusing on instead is the fact that my arms broke so completely that if you flick my forearm, it’ll spin around like a pinwheel.

  I was talking to the little birdy I see on my shoulder now that my brain is 90% blood, and I said, “Just you wait, little bird. My mom is going to call my dad in a horrified panic, and she’s not even going to MENTION the 47% of bones I didn’t break.”  And I was right: typical frenzied “he broke 109 bones, what do we do?!” mom-type panic. And do you know what my friend, that little birdy with the spinning eyes said to me? I thought it was so wise, he said, “Trevor. TREVOR. Trevor, can you hear me? Oh, geez. Hey Bob? Hey honey? Bob, he’s zonked out again, I really think we need to call Dr. Rossenstein back.”

  THIS IS A CELEBRATION. Say it with me, all my spinny-eyed bird friends: Forty. Seven. Percent. Of. my. Bones. Are. Not. broken. Except. For. a. Few. that. The. doctors. Say. are. At. least. Fractured. And. we’ll. Need. to. Wait. for. Some. further. Results. But. to. Be. clear. I. should. Not. take. That. information. As. a. Good. thing. As. the. Bones. In. question. Are. not. Bones. You. should. Have. been. Able. to break. And. so. Even. a. Fracture. At. this. Point. Is. pretty. Serious. Are. you. Even. listening. Trevor. Trevor. I. really. Need. you. To. trevor. Hey. trevor.

  Those body parts that worked with me while I was suspended mid-air, screaming, “I want my mommy!” and doing loud fear farts, did very well. Those body parts that did not work with me, say goodbye! Actually “say goodbye” is literally what Dr. Rossenstein said I should do with to most of my organs, who he says are now what the science community refers to as “medically smashed.”

  To any of the doctors or moms who do not give me proper credit for this great skateboarding trick, I just have one thing to say: please get me a Kleenex. After successfully skateboarding my face into the ground, my nose just has one big, open nostril now.

  My mom won’t say this, so I guess I have to: I just wanna re-state how truly enormously proud I am of myself and what I accomplished by only breaking 53% of the bones in my body. For all my enemies, especially Dr. Rossenstein and my mom — YEAH, the Kleenex with aloe, Mom, what the hell do you think?!

  Sorry. And I just wanna say how truly happy — YES OF COURSE I WANT THE WHOLE KLEENEX BOX. I really am so — WHY AM I IN SUCH A BAD MOOD, MOM?! I DUNNO, MAYBE CUZ I JUST FULLY SMASHED MY ENTIRE FACE AND BODY EXACTLY LIKE I PLANNED ON!

In conclusion, I’d just like to say, tremendous success out there, also I never actually wanted to be a skateboarder, I just wanted to wear baggy pants and lean against stuff and now my bones are gone and I’m so unhappy. Thank you all!

  Everyone Gawking at Me at This Skate Park is Failing to Focus on the 47% of Bones I DIDN’T Break was originally published on Weekly Humorist

[inejghafawifesblog]

HOW IS HE GOING TO SURVIVE ⁉️⁉️