#to put any idea into their head' and it make me go crazyyyyy

[pikslasrce]

recreating the age gap discourse w my mom over dinner

[littlethoughtsandfeelings]

The Bachelor Australia 2017 Recap – Episode 2

Loving the quirky music for the opening. It fits perfectly to introducing us to the girls who are CASUALLY sitting around the house CASUALLY chatting. We have a recap from some Talking Heads (still no idea who is who) of the Dress-gate situation from last night. Apparently this is a very DRAMATIC and IMPORTANT thing, and we must never forget it.

In true form, Osher materialises from nothing delivering a date card, which he reveals is for a single date, and (surprise, surprise) everyone wants it.

SOMEONE (honestly they all look the same) opens the date card. The clue reads, “I felt a spark immediately. Let me see your wild side.” It’s nice that this card is definitely hand-written by Matty J with a quill as he gazes over the sunset, and not by some unpaid intern with coffee burns on their wrist.

Elora the fire twirler gets the date, and cue our Villain Number 2, Jennifer, being pissed.

Right, we’re wasting no time – we’re on the date already. Elora walks across the sand littered with a million seagulls, and it’s nice of the producers to work with Mother Nature in providing a rainbow for today’s date. (Side note: Remember those awful sponsorships that were in last year’s show? What if tonight’s episode just had a “Brought to you by… Mother Nature!” segment?)

Elora’s voiceover says that, “Finding the right love is the key to a good life”, and I just groaned so hard.

Matty and Elora greet each other with what can only be described as the preparation of a cartwheel, with both arms directly in the air, unmoving. They board a boat, which is not being used as a mode of transport as one might expect, but instead, IS THE ACTUAL DATE. Can you imagine if they just got in a car and sat in it? This is the equivalent of that. But on water. And with seasickness.

Matty, clearly on a sobriety streak, offers Elora orange juice, making up some bullshit thing about how it’s bad luck to cheers without alcohol. Elora quickly turns this into a positive, saying they should make it good luck instead. Nice one.

The two discuss Elora’s entrance (REMEMBER HOW CRAZYYYYY AND TOTALLY UNEXPECTED IT WAS?!?!?!) and it’s very boring and just to fill in everyone who didn’t watch last night’s episode.

Elora asks Matty how old he is, which, honestly Elora, there’s a level between stalking his Instagram every day for six months and this. You should have done some RESEARCH, girl. But then it’s revealed that SHE SPEAKS FRENCH AND IS SO EXOTIC AND GORGEOUS, and I forgive her.

Mother Nature does even better than the rainbow and bloody throws dolphins into the mix, and Matty and Elora watch them.

This. Is. A. Riveting. Date.

They both change into their swimwear and Matty J manages to sneak both a boob graze and an unblinking ass check-out in the space of a minute, so I’m guessing he’s pretty keen. They’re literally all over each other in the water, which is to be expected.

Back at the mansion, the girls bitch about Elora in completely useless ruminations and speculations which is such easy time-filler for the show. I’m not buying this anymore – it’s just so boringgggg.

Villain Number 1 and Villain Number 2 are conversing. They look like they’re in some kind of friendship group, which surprises me, given “friendship” falls right at the bottom of their list of priorities between “selflessness” and “generosity”.

Jennifer (Villain Number 1) admits that she will have to “destroy” Elora. This confirms my suspicion that Jennifer thinks she’s in a video game, which totally explains her one-dimensional BIG BADDIE personality.

Back at the boat (which still seems like it’s the whole date) Matty and Elora flirt with each other, which basically consists of them fake giggling and touching each other. They take pictures with a polaroid camera (for some reason), and I’m guessing she gets to keep these and put them under her pillow so she can kiss them before going to sleep each night.

STOP EVERYTHING. SHE GOT A FOREHEAD KISS. HE GAVE HER A FOREHEAD KISS. THEY’RE CUDDLING. GAME OVER. SHE HAS WON.

Just kidding, but I can attest that there is no greater sign of affection than a forehead kiss. 

Back at the mansion, Evil McEvilson has a new date card. It’s a group date, and the clue is about the first time they fell in love and blah blah blah we all know that it’s the cheerleading date so let’s just get this over with. 

Cobie, Elizabeth, Sian, Laura, Florence, Tara, Simone, Natalie, Leah, and Jennifer herself are all on this date. And don’t worry, I don’t know who half of them are, either. Are we sure they’re not just sneaking new girls in just to mess with us?

Jennifer’s self-described “posse” (not kidding, she actually said that) is together on the group date, and Jen says they’re going to get more time with Matty than all the other girls. This suggests to me some kind of group work going on, which although it will be a first for this show, honestly isn’t the worst idea. (I mean, it’s hardly a chocolate bath).

Back on the date and WAIT GUYS I TOTALLY SPOKE TOO SOON! The date consists of a boat ride, AND sitting on a couch in a different location (which I’m not entirely confident isn’t just below the boat deck).

Elora and Matty J cuddle on the SEXYTIME COUCH and gaze into each other’s eyes. They say they LIKE each other, but it isn’t the L word we’re all looking for.

They talk for what seems like is ten hours about what the other one is thinking. “Tell me what you’re thinking”, “Haha you tell me what you’re thinking”, “Haha stahp!” 

My face is deadpan.  

Then Elora’s talking head says they have “intense chemistry” and she could feel “her whole body heating up”. Now we’re talking! We might need to give them some space so we can finally see something happen on this show.

Unfortunately, before we can get to the action, Matty J’s talking head says he doesn’t want to rush things with Elora. It’s funny how the producers try and find some deep reasoning for each action (or non-action) Matty takes. Maybe he just didn’t feel like kissing her. Is that so crazy?!

And then, Elora asks about She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named: Georgia. Finally, we might get some real drama instead of the contrived dramahhh! Hang on, I forgot what show I was watching. Apparently Matty saying he wants the best for Georgia is the most amazing thing a guy has ever said, and Elora fawns over it for about five minutes in a talking head.

So she hasn’t been in love since her first boyfriend, and she loves travelling. Man, they’re really trying to push this exotic gypsy/nomad vibe aren’t they? And, almost like I predicted it, Matty’s talking head says he wants to settle down, and he’s worried Elora has the wanderlust bug.

Matty says there’s a spark, and the date is pretty much over. (Side note: Is it just me being grumpy, or is this season soooooo boring so far?)

Oh wait, he offers her a rose, and I’m back in. She accepts it, and they have a cheek kiss and a quick hug.

Elora says she forgot about the rose and for once, my cynical heart believes her. Her talking head says it’s “getting scary really fast”, which is normally my reaction to all theme park rides, so you could say we have a lot in common.

Back at the mansion, the girls are CASUALLY sitting around CASUALLY talking about how long Elora has been gone. By total coincidence, Elora walks in! The girls ask if she kissed him, and she very cleverly doesn’t answer. Elora explains to the ladies that she might not reveal everything that happens between her and Matty J, and to mind their own gosh darn business. Seriously though, fair play to her. It’s always seemed weird and kind of masochistic to me to want to know what the other girls did with the guy you’re interested in.

The self-described “clique” Jennifer is a part of grill Elora and won’t let her answer properly, and honestly I’m having such flashbacks to high school. The “Evil Squad” (as I’m now dubbing it) keeping asking Elora if it felt REAL. Seriously? Like their dates would be any more real in this constructed TELEVISION SHOW.

And then Simone steps in to defend Elora from the meanies. YEAH SIMONE! I don’t even know who you are, but you’re on my radar now!

Oh, we’re on the group date now. Again with the smooth transitions.

Osher reveals they’re recreating a photoshoot for none other than Woman’s Day, and the girls are ermehgerd! So! Totally! Excited! It’s almost like they didn’t do this for the past ten years in a row!

But, there is a twist, because this is a new season of The Bachelor, and they’re going to take some RISKS! Kidding, it’s an 80s themed photoshoot. (You know in Aladdin where at the end Genie is working for Jafar and he has the little flag, and he’s like, “Jafar, Jafar he’s our man…” and he looks so bored? That’s me right now. Also, spoiler alert, I guess, if 25 years counts for nothing.) (Side note: I looked at the release date to make this joke work, and OH MY GOD! I’M THE SAME AGE AS ALADDIN! HOW HAVE I NEVER NOTICED THIS BEFORE?!)

Anyway, back to the show where they’re splitting up the girls into smaller, more manageable groups. Florence and Jennifer are paired together to recreate an awkward first date. Florence calls Jen “Jess” and it is hands down the best moment of the season so far. Cobie, Simone, and Tara are cheerleading, and Laura, Elizabeth, Natalie, and Sian are recreating a school formal (Prom, for those in the USofA).

And like it couldn’t have been written, Leah will be on her own, to recreate a possible first kiss. Leah immediately says she’s going for it, and I’m not sure if she meant to say this aloud or not. But to be honest, it doesn’t seem like there’s much Leah doesn’t say aloud. Osher, always the wingman, asks Matty J if he would be ok with that. YEAH, HAS ANYONE ASKED WHAT MATTY J WANTS? WHAT IF HE DIDN’T WANT TO BE IN A HOUSE WITH A BUNCH OF SINGLE, HORNY WOMEN? STOP FORGETTING ABOUT HIS WANTS AND NEEDS! (Don’t worry, MRAs – I’ve got your back. Imagine the winking, kissing emoji here for added sarcasm).

Guys, wasn’t I just talking about terrible product placement?! The girls are just CASUALLY getting their hair and makeup done, and lo and behold, someone just HAPPENS to be perfectly holding a packet of Extra chewing gum with the label facing perfectly towards the camera! How coincidental! 

Right, now the girls get their costumes. Evil Squad make fun of everyone’s outfits, and right now I love the producers for telling Jennifer to do that, because the next cut of her in her fully covered lifeguard’s outfit is the absolute best. Maybe she pissed one of them off and this was her punishment. Nah, just kidding. I’ve seen Unreal, I know how this works. (But only the first season so no spoilers please k thanks byeeee).

Florence is in a red bikini because reasons. Jennifer is mean to her and Florence’s talking head calls her a “Jewish banana”, which might be mildly anti-Semite so let’s just move right along. 

Jennifer is totally third-wheeling this photoshoot, and it’s nice to see her get her comeuppance, until…

She takes off her lifeguard top and jumps in the pool. Her talking head says, “Nobody puts Baby in the corner”, which OUTRAGES ME. It doesn’t make sense in the film, and it doesn’t make sense in this context, not least because they were in an open space outside.

Anyway, there is suitable outrage from the girls, as if this moment wasn’t scripted at all. Then Florence gets sideswiped and becomes the third wheel to Jennifer and Matty’s bike (is that where this saying comes from? A bike? Nothing else has two wheels…).

Jennifer makes sure to press her boobs right up against Matty’s bare chest, and the photoshoot is over. Um. Question: Is anyone going to tell her she’s got a massive wedgie?

Apparently not as we’re on to the girls’ school dance. It’s so tacky and so 80s and it’s amazing. Those costumes look so fun and they’re basically just dancing around. All the girls look like they’re having a great time, there’s no competition, and it’s lovely.

So naturally, it lasts two seconds. Enter, Evil Squad with their snide commentary. Laura seems lovely, who was she again? (Oh, my notes say she was the jewellery designer. Right). Anyway, Matty seems to notice her too, saying she stood out, and apparently this is all the praise she’s getting.

Jennifer says that Laura is a big threat in the competition. Sian is apparently in the Evil Squad too, but she’s on the photoshoot currently happening, so she needs to gets Matty’s attention away from Laura. With Jen yelling from the sidelines, “Go for it, baby girl! That’s my girl!” (Is she confused? Does she think she is this woman’s mother?), Sian does “the worm”. It’s weird.

There’s an ad break there and we come back to arguably the most sexist thing ever on this show, by having a cheerleading photoshoot. The worst part is that they’ve tricked the girls into thinking this is enjoyable. The girls have even made up a chant about how great Matty is, as if he needed his ego stroked more. Simone (in the group with Cobie (helium) and Tara (smiley face tattoo)) takes the opportunity to talk to Matty. Apparently she loves running. Not in love, hopefully, but marathon running. This is the only piece of information we have about her, as she was one of the montage girls, which is actually kind of sad because she seems pretty nice.

Cobie is so sweet in her talking head, and obviously doesn’t take the bait from the producers that she should say how annoyed she was at Simone, instead saying, “I was more than happy for Simone to chat with him.” Awwwww!

Evil Squad turn up again (sigh. I’m really over this already), and for some reason, they irrationally hate Simone. Matty’s appreciating the effort Simone’s taking in getting to know him. Well if that wasn’t a gentle letdown, I don’t know what is.

Now for the Leah and Matty photoshoot, where they will be recreating a first kiss moment, on a Harley, at night. Matty says she looks like a “smoking hot Olivia Newton John”, and I don’t know, to me she’s more of early-days Taylor Swift cut-out.

I’m only going to say this once: Leah, stop trying to be the new Laurina. You’ll never be the new Laurina. It’s like they’ve watched the attention people like Laurina and Keira got and actually TRY to be the villain.

This is awful. None of her talking heads sound genuine at all. She is literally reading from a teleprompter, I’m sure of it.

Obviously, Leah’s all over Matty in the photoshoot, and obviously, the girls are pissed, even her other Evil Squad members, which is ironic.

She gives him a kiss on the cheek, and Matty is looking like he wished the ground would swallow him up. Leah says she’s glad the girls are looking, because she wanted them to see it and wanted a reaction. Yes, it was DEFINITELY her idea.

Oh god, she went in for a kiss, and he turned away. He apologies, and says he didn’t think it would be appropriate in front of the other girls. YES! GO MATTY! KEEP THAT CLASS! And that marks the end of the photoshoot.

The next day (or month, or year… I actually have no idea how much time passes here), Matty arrives for a surprise visit at the house, and conveniently the girls are all gathered in the same room. HE HAS BROUGHT THEM MUFFINS, which is amazing and I won’t hear any word to the contrary.

The girls all admit that they are starving, because as we know, they survive on alcohol and each other’s tears. 

MATTY HAS COME TO ASK LISA TO A GAME OF TENNIS. LISA! ONE OF OUR FAVOURITES! YESSSSSS! (Remember she played tennis for 12 years so this is a very thoughtful idea).

There’s a tennis court at the house so I’m not sure why they’re leaving in the car, but hey, I guess it’s more impressive than just hopping the back fence.

There’s some joke about putting the roof down on the convertible, and Lisa doesn’t care about her hair because she’s totally low maintenance. Matty asks if she likes to wear makeup, she says no, and he says she’s saying all the right things.

Honestly, I hate this conversation so much for so many reasons. Firstly, she’s totally playing the Cool Girl (I mean, have they READ Gone Girl?!). It also implies that girls who like to wear makeup are too high maintenance and therefore not girlfriend material. It also implies that you have to fit a certain mould in order for guys to like you. This is just so awful and dangerous and I seriously hope there are no young girls watching this. 

Anyway, they get to the tennis court which was supposed to be on the property which means it’s a) not on the property and we were lied to, or b) on the property so we just had ten minutes of driving for no reason. They change into their tennis whites, and Matty can’t even get a serve over the net. It’s a bit embarrassing, but I can’t get a serve in either, so you know, glass houses.

Then, Matty wants her to help with his serve. They do a reverse pool-cue-helping thing that you’ve seen in thousands of movies, and because of this one-on-one coaching, he totally gets it in. The ball, I mean. To the square.

Matty’s talking head says he’s still got the moves. Um, do you mate? You only got one serve in.

And now for the other disgusting moment of the episode, Matty wants to place a bet: If he wins, he gets a kiss on the cheek, and if Lisa wins, Matty will give her strawberries, cream, and Pimms later on. Honestly this is so disgusting and I can’t even make a joke about it. Implying that a kiss from a woman is a reward to win/women trading their sexuality/entitlement of physical contact with a woman. I mean, there’s just so many directions to take it. I think what bothers me the most about this show is not the blatant misogyny, it’s the more casual stuff like this. I’m getting upset now, so I’ll just move on.

The editors have their work cut out for them trying to cut together shots to make it look like Matty and Lisa actually played a game of tennis.

Lisa wins, but Matty asks if he still gets the kiss, which honestly Matty, do you not get how bets work? She obliges him and gives him one. Sigh.

He takes her to the strawberries and cream (but there was no mention of Pimms…), which totally wasn’t planned and he will go to fix together right now.

Back from the ad break, they’re both suddenly in their swimsuits and she pushes him into the pool. I’m confused. Where is this pool? Is it at the mansion? Wouldn’t the other girls be there? Is it at his place? That would be a big deal though, him taking her back to his place. I’m worried this is just a random pool in the middle of nowhere and the fact that they aren’t explaining it is giving me major anxiety.

I’m also worried Lisa might be falling into the cool-girl-friendship zone, rather than the cool-girl-girlfriend zone. Look, it’s a fine line.

Now they’re just smothering cream all over each other’s face and it’s very flirtatious and seems like another sex ritual.

There’s some discussion about why Lisa applied to the show. Matty says they’re on the same page of looking for a partner, as opposed to all the other applicants of The Bachelor. He offers her a rose, she accepts, and it’s another cheek kiss. Is anyone else getting major Sam Frost vibes from her? Like, Sam Frost in The Bachelor vibes?

Matty says he has to cut the date short because they have a cocktail party to go to, almost convincing me that these episodes happen in real time.

Cocktail Party Time!!!

The two enter together, and it’s night time now (I have so many questions about this. Did she get ready at his place? How much time has passed? How did she get her dress? Did they arrive together? Did he bus over from his place? Did they get an Uber? Why does she need to bring her rose?)

Oh wait, it looks like the girls are eating red lollies, so that balances out the diet with the champagne.

Jennifer ironically says that Elora is very jealous, and that she thinks Elora thinks Matty is her boyfriend. Ha.

Elora says it’s hard to see that she isn’t the only one with a rose. Um. Does she know how this competition works? I mean, she didn’t even know how old he was. Did she just stumble onto this set one day and the producers convinced her to stay?

Whilst Matty is chatting away with Florence, the Evil Squad (which I think at this point is made up of Leah, Jennifer, and Sian), try to grill Elora. Simone stands up for her again (yeah, go Simone!).

Jen describes Leah as her “little drama queen”, yet again exhibiting that narcissistic trait that everyone is an extension of herself. Why does she own everyone?

Anyway, Elora steals Matty for a chat, which we all know is not the best thing to do if you’ve already got a rose. But it’s ok guys, chill; Elora doesn’t even know how this show works.

Matty says he loves the date, and Elora says she did too. This. Is. Ground-breaking. Television.

Jennifer says that it’s time to take Elora down a notch, and says Matty is her boyfriend. Looks like Elora isn’t the only one who doesn’t understand this show. Just a reminder that Jen is saying Elora is the one who think she’s the only one in this competition. Yep. Uh huh.

Look, the producers have done well here. She’s a total bitch to Elora and Simone, clearly trying to tear their friendship apart. Elora comes out and says she doesn’t think Jennifer is very nice. Jennifer says, “That’s interesting”, which is as much an admission of guilt as we’re going to get. She says she’s not sure why she’s getting targeted. Quote: “I haven’t said a bad word about either of you”, which is total high school bullying where you can’t actually tell a teacher because nothing has technically been said but the subtext and body language and giggling behind your back says everything but it can’t be commented on and I SWEAR I’M NOT PROJECTING.

Elora says she thinks there is a dark side to Jennifer and Jennifer takes a predictable amount of offence with this. Not sure if she’s an actual narcissist or just playing one for the sake of the show. Look, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt: she’s a great actress.

Simone (standing up for Elora again) says she doesn’t like Leah. Elora says the mean girls are trying to tear them apart “because they’re bitches”. Look, if I’m picking sides, I’m on whatever side Simone’s on, but FFS this is ridiculous. 

We come back from the ad break straight to the rose ceremony. SEAMLESS. TRANSITIONS. (At this point I’m not sure if it’s the show that’s pissing me off, or if I’ve just become a cranky old woman).

Just one going home tonight, thanks Osher, and we pan over Natalie and SEE! SHE’S JUST GEORGIA IN A WIG. THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BIG PENULTIMATE EPISODE REVEAL, GUYS!

COBIE GETS PICKED. SIMONE GETS PICKED. MICHELLE GETS PICKED. LISA HAS ALREADY BEEN PICKED. Right, we’re good.  

Jennifer gets picked because the producers have her on a thirteen episode contract or something, and everyone knows to get good ratings you need strong villains and lots of manufactured dramahhh. (Side note: What I would KILL to know how many are his picks, and how many are the producers’). 

We’re down to Villain Number 1, Leah, and Laura-Ann (who my notes say was another montage girl).

Predictable fake concern from Leah as she says she’s worried she got “carried away” on the group date. Yes, Leah, it was definitely you getting “carried away” on the group date which made him think he couldn’t have a future with you, not your ridiculous behaviour (which, to be fair, he didn’t get to see. Unless they have secret cameras? TELL ME THE SECRETS!)

We’re not fooled, and Laura-Ann goes. She seems nice. She also seems like she deserves a hell of a lot better than to be called Montage Girl.  

God these episodes are long.

 Next Episode: Another boat ride. Jesus. Is this what guys think girls like? Some sort of medieval festival for… reasons. And it looks like Leah’s openly admitted to emotionally manipulating Matty, because what is a good dating show without some emotional manipulation.