#to making art that engages directly with your own pains and angers and discomforts

[thedreadvampy]

btw about Neil Gaiman I periodically agree with the 'Neil Gaiman is annoying' stuff bc I feel like both he and Amanda Palmer seem like people who I would go insane stuck in a room with bc we have very different ideas about art and suchlike. and I also do think that the career trajectory he's on lately is cynically redoing his greatest hits and pretending that was the dream all along when it clearly was not. which is at best meh.

having said which

as far as I can tell by far the most common complaint about Neil Gaiman is "Snow, Glass, Apples is problematic/gross/it's got incest and rape and frames the child as the aggressor"

which strikes me as a weird complaint to pull out of a 40 year body of work tbh when that short story is pretty clearly coming from a place of 'how far can I push this'. like you don't have to like the story. I don't really like the story. but it is. a horror story.

like and this is the thing with particularly 90s alt horror right? a lot of the interest is in transgression and sitting in the worst possible perspective and seeing what happens if you pull those strings. like I really like Clive Barker for example but there's a good chunk of his short stories that I'm like I'm not picking up what you're putting down Clive this seems Kinda Off. but that willingness to write some trite or Bad Message horror fiction that doesn't land is imo a side effect of being willing to try writing uncomfortable and unpleasant fiction at all. which is what horror is for, among other things, it's for creating discomfort as a form of catharsis or engagement.

like I am not a huge fan of the type of sex-horror that pops up in a lot of Gaiman's work and other contemporary horror writers - to me I don't find it upsetting or horny it just ends up feeling kind of edgy and tryhard - but I'm also a bit like. it does seem like a lot of people's beef with Neil Gaiman is that In The 90s He Was A Horror Writer

and this approach to Problematic Horror in Snow, Glass, Apples I find kind of microcosmic of how The Discourse often approaches art in this kind of 1:1 way. if you write a story which seems to line up with rape apologia it can only be because you agree with it. if you write a story about transphobia you're a transphobe. if you write a story that makes me genuinely uncomfortable you're attacking me.

but artwork, especially art like horror that's not necessarily trying to provoke enjoyment as its main response, is necessarily hit and miss. and if what you're shooting for is discomfort then whether it works, falls flat or goes too far incredibly depends on your audience. and making good art - as in art that makes its audience think, art that opens the audience up to discomfort and catharsis and sticks with them and changes them - requires the space to experiment and tbh the space to fuck up. like they aren't all going to be winners and they certainly aren't all going to work for you as a singular audience.

personally I don't see the appeal of Snow, Glass, Apples, less cause it's nasty and more cause it's hack. ooh an edgy monstrous version of a fairy tale where there's lots of rape and cannibalism? you're soooo original Neil. but like. that's fine. I don't really vibe with like 70% of Neil Gaiman stuff I've read but I still like Neil Gaiman because the stuff that works for me really works for me.

idk I think there's a lot of folk on this website who shouldn't interact with horror cause they clearly aren't interested in being horrified. that's not everyone who dislikes Snow, Glass, Apples, but it's a real undercurrent to a lot of the criticism and tbh this kinda vibe is shit for art. making standout art What Is Good also requires being ready to make art which stands out for the wrong reasons. sometimes they'll be the same art to different people.

[prof-peach]

Hey Prof, I need your advice.

My sister recently decided she didn't wanted her bulbasaur anymore (she got him on a whim about a month ago) and gave him to me, he is quite violent and tends to attack when I try to get close to him.

Now, that wouldn't be a huge problem, but my Purrloin has gotten hurt trying to befriend him, she's quite outgoing and never really liked fighting (we enjoy contests so she knows a few more flashy attacks), so she couldn't even defend herself properly.

I don't want to give up on him and my local rescue center is filled with Bunearies (you know, after Easter kids don't want their Bunny anymore) so they can't take him in right now, any advice in how I can go about this situation?

Sounds to me like you have a tricky little dude on your hands. So you're not battle orientated which will make this harder, Bulbasaur in the wild are actually quite combat minded to defend their families and territory, and a lot of their herds consist of strict hierarchy based on power and skill, often led by older, fully evolved members of their group. 

Before you take any actions to befriend them, its worth noting that any pokemon who comes into your care showing aggression is usually doing so for one or two reasons that are pretty universal for any species. Fear being the main issue with pokemon who have been ditched, if a pokemon is unwell, if it feels exposed, if it is unsure of you or your home, your partners, it may lash out because it is afraid. Even what looks like pure anger can stem from a fear. Of course some individuals are just full of rage, its not unheard of, but for the most part it comes from somewhere else. 

For a moment, take the time to put yourself in this pokemons shoes. It was chosen, with hopes and ambitions of its own, by your sister, a stranger to them, and for whatever reason they were cast aside. This reason may be unclear to the pokemon, it may be unfair, unkind, or even without malice just out of pure indifference. No matter the reason, this pokemon has been left behind by a trainer it at one point probably wanted to try to get along with. I don’t know what your sister may or may not have done, or provided for the bulbasaur, but it will help you understand how its feeling, if you were to ask her about their relationship prior to you receiving the pokemon. If it has always been aggressive and angry, i’d seriously consider talking to it about release, not rehome. 

We humans have a preconceived notion that pokemon are pets and things to keep with us. This may be true for some sure, but not every pokemon wishes to be a captive to a human, they may want more for themselves, and wish for a free life with their own kind. We cannot put our wants and desires above that of the pokemons, so you two need to have a talk, at a respectful distance for safeties sake, to see what the Bulbasaur feels they may want. These are herd pokemon, born and bred to be with their own kind, if not a larger group, if its lonely, if it wants to go home, to start a family, or simply to not be held in a ball as some creature to be owned, then you as its current carer must give it what you can. You can always find another pokemon who wants to be your partner, but you cannot give back lost years to a pokemon who has lived a life its unhappy with. Treat them with respect, and be open and honest. At the end of the day we have a chance to help pokemon, and forcing what we want onto them is a hinderance, and will lead to them feeling unsatisfied and bitter in the long run. 

Some pokemon lash out due to the process of being handed off to someone else, trust is earnt, not always just simply given to whoever holds the pokeball. Remember this as you move forward, and try to keep your other pokemon away from them, Bulbasaur are territorial species, and have to accept pokemon into their families before simply allowing them to come and go freely into their personal space. Despite their grouchy natures at times they usually do have a morally positive compass, and defend with ferocity when they love something. Perhaps in you showing genuine concern for their welfare and future, offering them not what you want, but instead what they want, they may give you a chance to get closer, but take baby steps, and try to be their friend above all else. I bet they're feeling pretty lonely right now. 

Its worth sharing interests with the pokemon, talk about contests, see if they're interested, some pokemon have a predisposition for this, others have no interest and prefer more battle based lives, or even peaceful non-competitive existences. no amount of pressure will change a pokemon’s nature, and some just aren't cut out for the fine art of showmanship that contests require. You can however use powerful attacks in showy ways, so theres always hope that they could enjoy it, if you can work with them to their strengths. 

If possible, work to getting them outdoors, cooping grass types up can lead to stroppy, testing personalities, many thrive in the outdoors, he may need some serious outside time to compensate for the lack of exercise and natural stimulation they may have not been getting prior to your ownership. There are plenty of areas in public that are much like tennis courts, areas of space you can book for a set amount of time too exercise difficult pokemon, these locations are often secure facilities, both outdoors and indoors, to suit a range of species. find one that has outdoor facilities and book a few hours per week to go there, increasing the time whenever possible. This exercise and time with you may help to find common ground, and topics that you and the bulbasaur can bond over. This can be anything from battles, to sun bathing, playing sports, games, swimming, running or digging, and everything in between. Bulbasaur naturally are great foragers and tend to like to snaffle about in long grass and shrubland, hiding treats like berry slices in a secure environment is good enrichment and can tire the pokemon out. a tired pokemon is usually a little less aggressive, having lower energy levels and less want to expend attacks. this process also associated you with something fun, and your scent will be on the treats too, so they'll know you were the one to provide this activity for them.   

I’d also take plenty of time to observe the bulbasaur, as your sister got them on a whim, they probably had no prior knowledge of the species, or how to correctly care for them. In a month, a health complaint could have begun to show, so observe their colouration, feet, walking gait, sleeping patterns, feeding habits, and general behaviour. Excess scratching, heavy breathing, or unusual shaking or moving can suggest a health condition is starting to take form. Most can be helped if caught early, but some illnesses give the pokemon discomfort, and can lead to snappy tempers and irritability. It could be that this individual is in pain, or finding life difficult due to its health, which can cause a lot of hostility as i’m sure anyone would agree. It can suck to be sick!

This species can be won over if you can prove you have a skill of worth to them. This is the case with a lot of pokemon, having respect for something they cannot do, and learning that they need things from you can lead to them at least tolerating us humans. Its a foot in the door. A trick i like t use with particularly difficult bulbasaur is to give them their fav food, whatever it is, then put it in a clear container the pokemon cannot open. They have no thumbs, and their vines though dexterous, aren't able to open every kind of container. The pokemon will want whats inside, and be unable to access it. they will eventually give up out of frustration. this is where you come in. enter the space, don’t let your pokemon approach as this can be threatening, and open the container. leave it on the floor open, making sure they've watched you get the thing open. They can then approach and enjoy their fav food, all thanks to you and those wondrous thumbs you have. repeating this process yields good results, and starts a mutual relationship of tolerance and acceptance between you and a bulbasaur. Most will accept they want the food more than they want you gone, and you provide something they can’t get to. whatever you do, don’t let them see that you were the one to lock the food up in the container. Get a friend to do it, or do it in the room, and leave it in place on the floor, before allowing the bulbasaur to enter and investigate the item. If they see you're the one doing it, the trick is foiled, and your back to square one. Eventually this does tend to lead to the pokemon becoming less stressed with you around them, and eventually it leads to trust, and even friendship. This trick is good to use to get them use to you, once they're ok with you being around them because of your use to them, they may start to take food from you directly, engage in play, or even just sit and tolerate company for short periods of time. Do not expect this to be quick, but it does usually do the trick. 

Regardless, i do have concern that the pokemon may want to be with its own, should you discuss this and find they're not interested in being housebound and a pet, feel free to send them our way, we had exactly this situation in mind when setting up the islands facilities, and have extensive locations designed with grass pokemosn needs at the forefront. Theres a small herd of about 12 bulbasaur evolutions that live north of our labs, no people see them, they are happy as a unit, and are left alone to go about their lives, with the only interactions between humans being us giving them their yearly health check, or should we spot them with an issue, we may intervene. They live away from others and pretty much free, in a poacher safe environment. Its not ideal, we like to keep pokemon in areas they come from, with people who love them, and you show great concern for the pokemon so it would be a shame to have to let them go, BUT sometimes thats just life, and theres nothing to be done about it other than accepting that the pokemons wants come first. They may just be mistrusting so try everything else first, and see how you go. hopefully you’ll yield some results from this all. Good luck out there trainer. 

[kerenobara]

Catharsis involves the release of stagnated emotions through kinetic action and stimulation. The term Catharsis stems from the original Greek Katharsis meaning “purification” or “cleansing” (Cherry 2020). The American Psychological Association defines catharsis as the discharge of events that had previously been repressed by bringing these events back into consciousness and re-experiencing them. In everyday language, the term catharsis is often used to describe moments of epiphanies, insight and healing. The first man to use the term in relation to emotions was Aristotle, when he talked about catharsis as the “Purgation of negative emotions.”

There is a large amount of literature surrounding Aristotle’s statement about the purgation of emotions. Some have even gone as far as to dismiss it as “gibberish” (Voltaire 1764/1837: 337). Some have speculated that he did not make that statement at all (Scott 2003). Aristotle’s also stated that “fear and pity” bring about a magnitude to “tragedy” that is immense and powerful. Tragedy, in Aristotle’s sense, refers to a genre of plays acted during the City Dionysian festivities. A form of theatre in ancient Greece also comprising of comedies and music.

Tragedy, in particular, was said to engage the empathetic side of the viewer to result in the sharing of emotions between actor and watcher. Through this, the audience was able to project their own emotions on to the characters and find release. The same feeling is derived today as well, from kinetic stimulation such as concerts, horror movies, even social media videos. There is a timeless discussion of how much more Aristotle encapsulated in the terms “fear and pity.”

Fear as an ego centered emotion tends to create anxiety and bring a tension to life. On the other hand, there is a thrill that comes with feeling fear, accelerated by adrenaline, directed to whatever problem has to be overcome. This explains the appeal of horror movies as they direct our fear and negative emotions towards external objects. By the time the movie comes to an end, so many of our internal fear has been let out regardless of the climaxing scenario (Sachs 2020). When people finally calm down from the height of fear, there is a sense of relief that is felt. It is as though they have been striped down and a load has been released.

This sense of emotional relief is called catharsis (Cherry 2020). It is the process of releasing and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions. When experiencing catharsis, one feels something very similar to the relief felt after fear, but without necessarily having to be put into a state of fright. This is an effective solution to releasing pent up emotions. This form of relief can be void of any pain and instead derived from different kinetic stimulation. The act of getting oneself into a active mind space in order to reach a peak, eventually creates an outlet for all built up physical, mental and emotional energy. For example, if one puts himself into an uncomfortable position, a not so positive feeling is evoked. This person then takes action to work through that uncomfortable position. Eventually, they reach their peak and experience full relief by which other emotions are released.

One of the great stoic minds- Seneca, a man of great fortune and status, stated that we should all expose ourselves to uncomfortable situations every once in a while. From discomfort comes growth. Seneca wrote about the importance of challenging oneself and taking charge into the storm; embarking on journeys we feel fearful or redundant about. The very action of taking charge is therapeutic in a sense that, it gives one a feeling of balance and control. The very physical energy spent while taking on tasks is as much as the mental energy. Action is the lead medium for channeling stagnant emotions into fuel to be burned and released. Some of these emotions we are unaware of because the greater part of psychological components are stored in the unconscious mind.

Josef Breuer, a colleague of Sigmund Freud developed a treatment for resolving trauma which he described as cathartic. He would put patients under hypnosis and have them express emotions that had been repressed, after letting everything out, his patients experienced relief from their symptoms. A teenager going through a rough patch might describe experiencing a “cathartic” moment that brings them a sense of purpose or piece and helps them grow. This term is often used to describe an emotional moment that leads to a positive change in a person’s life.

Different ways people practice catharsis include;

Exercise: The physical demands of a workout are an effective way to conjure up intense emotions and releasing them in a constructive manner. Our heart rate goes up, we experience a spike in adrenaline, we reach a peak, sweat it out and eventually cool down. The feeling one gets at the end of a workout is calming and soothing as endorphins are released into the body.

Talking and expressing oneself is a great way to release pent up emotions. People practice catharsis through open dialogue with others. For example, if one is faced with a challenge which gives rise to emotions such as frustration, anger, helplessness, etc, they often discuss these with close family or close friends, this is the importance of having a good support network. It is also important to speak your mind and express yourself. Parents must actively engage in unrestricted conversations with their children from a young age, or else they risk having to deal with problems in the future due to unresolved feelings that would have been released through simple open conversations.

For those who care about growing into better individuals in general, it is a known fact that humans gain happiness by being of value to others as much as themselves. We must practice the art of listening in order to help those around us experience release. Through listening and truly understanding we achieve a better perspective of our own emotions as well, which makes it simpler to process and actively let them out.

©KEREN SARAH OBARA APR 2020

Creating and or Viewing any kind of Art: Art provokes strong emotions for the viewer, most of which come from deep down in the unconscious. Symbols, semiotics and subliminal elements in different kinds of art act as a template for psychic images to be projected on to, acting as an outlet for those emotions. Performing arts in general are very powerful. As mentioned earlier, performers channel profound emotions that they are able to confront and leave out there, either on the stage, set, or wherever they present their art. Creators of art are able to explore psychological components as they delve deep into their minds, often facing immense shadows of their own without even knowing. Through innovation and self expression, they bare unseen pieces of themselves onto the templates of their work and reach release and healing.

Listening to music: Music is known for driving moods and influencing the hues of people’s senses. Music is also known to influence perceptions and provoke emotions that usually lay low. When one listens to a song, for example about being happy. They experience enlightened and positive feelings. Similarly, when one listens to music about being angry, they are able, through the lyrics or the beat to channel out that anger in the fleeting moment and leave it there. Music is food for the soul, as William Shakespeare wrote. Because the kinetic nature of the sound waves directly echo structures deep in us that we have no knowledge of.

Prayer: There is immense spiritual, physical, mental and emotional energy that is released during prayer of any kind. The Bible states how important catharsis is.

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” -Ephesians 4:31-32

The psalms of anger and lament are there to show that one of the ways to handle pent up feelings is through spiritual meditation and prayer. Collectively, regardless of what religion, people pray as a method of confronting dark emotions and aspects in order to achieve relief through light-hearted healing and truth.

Travel: The act of moving from one place to another gives a sense of independence and freedom. Sights, sounds an other sensory stimulants act as outlets for different feelings and emotions. Aside from this, traveling helps one to achieve a sense of balance and control. As one takes a break from their day to day routines and location, they surrender to a formless and fluid feeling. From these experiences, one feels as though they are fresh and new.

Journaling: Seneca, the famous stoic’s favorite time for journalling was in the evenings. He would bare all his thoughts out, being brutally honest, vulnerable and hiding nothing from himself. He recorded that the sleep that would come after this was pleasing and calming. The act of writing things down creates an outlet for intense and honest feelings that we are usually unable to process. It also gives perspective and helps one plan for the day ahead, such that pent up emotions are not an interference when it comes to going about regular activities and even socializing with people.

Other ways include cleaning, solving problems, human connection, being productive and sensory stimulation through aesthetic beauty.

CATHARSIS THROUGH SHIBARI (Japanese rope bondage):

Shibari is an artistic form of rope tying deeply rooted in Japan’s culture and history, as well as it’s other crafts (Kordic 2016). It involves creating intricate patterns with rope around a model. As an art form, the taut lines and complex designs (Sehayek 2017) yield various rhetoric and discourse as witnessed from the wide array of literature surrounding the topic and over 100,000 tagged posts on Instagram alone.

Shibari (translating to “decoratively tie”), has made it’s way to modern art today, manifested through alluring photography, performance and video. The artistic practice has a special place for creatives, adventures, learners or curious cats who constantly seek new and transcendental experiences. Being tied or suspended in the air gives one a feeling of utter inclination and self alignment.

The technique has it’s roots in the feudal Edo Era (Joy 2017, Sehayek 2017, where the ruling samurai class would use rope to combat and bind prisoners of war in a martial art known as Hojojutsu. Each tie held meaning and symbolic admonition.

In the early twentieth century, the Kabuki theatre adapted Hojojutsu rope ties for performances. The techniques of the martial art were replicated to provide safe movement for the actors on stage and remixed to be more visually and aesthetically appealing. From this rose Shibari (decorative tie) and Kinbaku (tight binding). Both these forms of art involve using rope to decoratively tie and restrain the body. However, Kinbaku focuses on the sole goal of erotic stimulation while Shibari focuses on healing and attaining a kinetic meditative state by which the subject enters a sub conscious space in their mind.

This meditative state is kinetic, for the sheer act of being tied up and or suspended in the air burns an intense amount of physical energy. A subject is bound, baring his or her human vulnerability and confronting all emotions evoked. The positioning of the knots in appropriate places can stimulate pressure points just like Shiatsu, a Japanese massage (Kordic 2016). Eventually, he or she is unbound, the ropes come off, each knot untied ignites a freeing flow of relief. The act of binding and unbinding are a direct purgation of feelings that involve restraint, uncertainty, fear and so many more.

According to Shibari healing.com the following are ways in which the ancient art and sensual practice is advantageous in terms of catharsis;

Experiencing surrender and vulnerability,

Emotional releasing of energetic blocks,

Strengthening one’s masculine and feminine traits,

Letting go of Fear, Rage, Anger, Guilt, Shame and limiting self judgements

“Many people think of,” says Bruce, a professional British rope tier “secretaries bound to office chairs with nylon rope or hogtied house wives on kitchen floors- Shibari is very different. It is like an aerial tango, done with flow and passion. When people put their heart and soul into it-well, I’ve seen people in tears after being tied. They say; I have no idea why I’m crying, I’m just so happy. It unblocks emotional dam” (Walsh 2015). It has a meditative effect, Bruce says, it silences the chatter of the everyday and immerses the subject in the here and now, conjuring up mental images, rushing adrenaline and endorphins, much like the runner’s high (Kordic 2016).

Pent up feelings hold people back in so many ways that they do not know. Taking back control over one’s body is extremely empowering. Facing fear directly and coming out triumphant brings healing and freedom. Nina, Bruce’s wife states that Shibari gives her a better awareness of herself, her body, brain, psychology and empathy. It is all about evoking different sensations and confronting different emotions for the sake of growth.

Shibari has also been described as a shared meditative practice, achieving revelation for the mind and body. The aesthetics of the practice also hold immense importance for the kinbakushi or nawashi (rope master).

Rope binding is more about the journey than the destination. The process is delicate and follows specific forms and aesthetic rules. The rope master creates different geometric patterns and shapes to compliment the human body with a texture that contrasts the sensitivity of the skin (Kordic 2016). Creating such precise art and patterns requires analytical alignment of the rope master’s mind. He or she must focus and channel energy to the act of the practice. As mentioned before, it is more about the journey than the destination.

This is where many fall short, as they try to categorize it as mainly a sexual tool, demeaning it’s healing properties and thus never fully understanding it properly or grasping its full essence.

From the material and immaterial blending to the communication established between two participants, the artist -rope rigger- is provided with a paint brush in the form of a model. Much like sculpting, painting writing, digital enhancements and so forth, the artists can portray different aesthetics through Shibari such as strength, vulnerability, sensuality, boldness, ecstasy and so forth.

Falling between performance and sculpture making, Shibari touches onto topics such as power-vulnerability coexistence, identity, psyche and physical energy, confidence, bravery, communication and sometimes enhancing sexual energy as a result.

In conclusion, it is very possible to experience Catharsis through Shibari as seen from the above examples. Both the artist and the subject go through a journey of psychological alignment. Different sensations are felt, thoughts are evoked, both parties express themselves and massive amount of energy is let out. In the end, there is relief from the release of strong pent up feelings.

Cherry, K., 2020. The Role of Catharsis in Psychology. Very well mind.

Kordic, A., 2016. The Art of Shibari- Japanese Rope Bondage photography. Wide Walls.

Nanay, B., 2017. Catharsis and Vicarious fear. European Journal of Philosophy. (1)1 pp 1371

Master K., 2014. The beauty of Kinbaku: 2nd Edition. US King Cat Ink.

Sachs, J., Aristotle: Poetics. Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy.

Walsh, J., 2015. Shibari: A couple explain the appeal of Japanese Rope Bondage. Independent. p.1

http://www.shibarihealing.com

©Keren Sarah Obara Apr 2020

NEXT:

[albanybarn]

Let’s talk about toxic masculinity, its dangers, and what we can do about it.

This week, we will be premiering our first column, "Made With Aladalove" written by Lada. We're going to be featuring guest bloggers covering art topics, social issues, and a wide variety of other topics. We are taking suggestions so if you or someone you know would like to submit to The Bi-Wkly, please send your work to info@albanybarn.org with the title "Newsletter submission".

Notes from the writer: I hope to discuss issues we (people of color) face, put plans into action, encourage people to live their truest selves and create a platform for unity, respect and change. This will be achieved with education, humor, action, community and aladalove.

And with that we give you: Made With Aladalove

There are many definitions of toxic masculinity but the one that I am focusing on relates more so to this definition according to our trustworthy, scholarly Wikipedia:

The concept of toxic masculinity describes certain socially destructive standards of behavior among men in contemporary American and European society that encourage domination of others, devaluation of women, and emotional stoicism. - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toxic_masculinity

Toxic masculinity hurts all of us, including men and boys. Here are some of the ways toxic masculinity fester:

1)The idea that men and young boys can't cry or show "emotion"(though anger is widely accepted), lest they be deemed weak,

2) the idea that men cannot be victims of rape or any other kinds of abuse in fear that this takes away his manhood

3) the idea that manhood is directly associated with his penis, and heterosexual intercourse. Therefore his whole identity is contingent upon it (size, width, etc.).

4) the idea that violence and immature hurtful behavior are "just how men are" as if they incapable of evolving, having common sense a respect and courtesy (almost primitive).

5) the prevalence of homophobia, transphobia and the very real violence that the LGBTQ community are plagued with due to the idea that masculinity is concrete and rigid.

These ideologies and others like them  are not just jokes but behaviors and norms that dictate social constructs, violence and so much more. These acts are often committed against women, the LGBTQ community and other non cis gendered men.

Women often endure the effects of toxic masculinity in many ways such as:

Street harassment

Catcalling is a common way that women endure toxic masculinity. It is often accepted that men who are rejected by women have the right to inflict abuse and pain on her person. For example, it is common that women expect to get cursed out when denying a man's advances. This has been made a joke around hotter seasons. Myself, many girls and women have grown up to cross the street when we see men in the distance or approaching. We have grown up to stay on the phone while walking outside of our homes at night to avoid the conversation of men. We have grown to blast music or simply put headphones in our ears (even if our phones have died) to avoid having a conversation with men. We have grown to position our keys to use as weapons in case were under attack. We have grown to memorize license plates. We have grown to carry mace or use some sort of sharp weapon to protect ourselves. We have grown to be told to "put something on" in our own homes because men are coming over. We have grown to "smile" and feign pleasantries in men's presence lest he becomes upset, rude, belligerent. We have grown to go to places in pairs. We have grown to send a description to a trustworthy person of the clothes we have on, pics of men we're hanging with, types of cars, addresses, locations, etc. All of this to avoid men and their fragile egos.

Sexual assault

Rape, molestation, groping, etc. This happens between strangers, intimate partners, families, in the work place, etc. When we excuse this type of behavior and allow these crimes to take place, we allow toxic masculinity to flourish. This is not to say that sexual assault only happens to women but the majority of people who are effected by sexual assault are women at the hands of men. The laws, the invasive procedures, and the emotional, physical, social and legal difficulties with reporting/not reporting help to allow this to continue as well. This is part of the inherent idea that men have a right to other people's bodies without the other person's consent. Rape culture is a huge component of toxic masculinity, often because it absolves the perpetrator of responsibility and puts the onus on the victims. This includes what they were wearing, what  they said/didn't say, whether they fought the person off, whether they had engaged in sexual acts before instead of putting the responsibility where it belongs, on the person who perpetrated the crime.

More Violence against women

Toxic masculinity has roots in other forms of  violence as well. When a woman denies a man's advances or doesn’t comply with the "rules" of the society, violence is the common answer.

It is not uncommon to hear about intimate partner violence  that results in death because a woman has said no or has stood up for herself.

It is not uncommon to hear about domestic violence and see jokes about domestic violence as a norm.

It is not uncommon for a woman to be spit on, choked, have a drink thrown on her, etc. By some stranger because she did not comply to said man's desires, despite her discomfort, etc.

This is not only reserved for women in sexual or intimate relationships either. This happens within families as well from fathers to mothers, fathers to daughters, uncles to nieces, grandfathers to grandkids and so forth.

Contrary to popular belief, toxic masculinity is not a concept used by women to go against men. It is also recognized by men too. Some of the most common examples are included in this status that I wrote on Facebook, February 27th. It stated:

"Men are scared of other men. This is why men don't want daughters. This is why yall dont ask your guy friends to babysit yall sisters or daughters. This is why yall dont trust yall guy friends to be around yall daughters or girlfriends/wives. This is why yall gotta get the shotgun ready when she goes off to prom. This is why yall swear women shouldn't have worn what she wore or been alone. This is why y'all rather hold the victim accountable for the perpetrators actions then to hold the perpetrator accountable. This is why y'all are afraid to go to jail. Because of other men !"

It is widely accepted that having a daughter is a burden. Many men don’t want daughters on their first try, largely due to the burden of protecting her against other men. Men usually want a son first so that the older brother could protect his younger sister against the advances of other men. Men are willing to use violence first to protect their daughter against these same advances. For example, around prom season, it isn’t uncommon to see pictures of fathers standing next to their daughter’s prom date with shot guns and other rifles in an attempt to intimidate the young man into not harming their daughter. This is often the same threat used when a woman gets married.

Biggie Smalls stated "get my daughter this college plan so she don’t need no man" in his popular song "sky is the limit". This is rooted in the idea that men can be untrustworthy. Men don’t allow other men to change their children, take their children to the bathroom or even allow their children to be left in the care of another man because they are aware of toxic masculinity.

When men go to jail, they aren't afraid of getting insulted or raped by prison guards who are women but the butt of many jokes surrounding prison culture is the idea that men will get raped by other men.

These actions mean that men are aware of other men's common behaviors and try their best to protect their daughters and other women in their immediate family. However, this same care and protection doesn’t extend outside of the family because it is acceptable to badger women on the street or refuse to intervene when its seen anywhere.

Using your penis as a weapon is yet another way toxic masculinity is allowed. People say "suck my d*ck!" As in insult but are homophobic and get upset when women are hesitant to perform oral sex. It is widely regarded that once a woman has sex with a man, she is dirty and she is no longer seen as valuable though a woman having sex with other women isn't taken as serious and they still retain their innocent nature. This dismisses lesbian and women to women relationships because they are not seen as valuable or legit unless a man is or has been involved.

Using female anatomy and effeminate traits to insult people

"you mad pussy!" to state that someone is afraid

"you must be on your period" to state someone is showing an emotion or stating an idea that you disagree with

"Stop acting like a  bitch" - bitch is commonly used to refer to women/females or anything effeminate

Statements like these and one's similar are commonly used to berate and objectify people that don’t fit into cultural masculine standards.

Ending toxic masculinity – there are so many things one can do but here are some of my suggestions.

1) Put the responsibility where it belongs

it is often said that “only boys (lie, cheat, hit women, etc.) However, this is not true. It, in fact, absolves men of the responsibilities they have by comparing their behaviors to children and likening their behavior to immaturity. Men lie, men cheat, men steal, men kill, etc.

2) Don’t be afraid to call out misogyny and toxic masculinity

Challenging your fellow men about their ideologies can be hard but it is not impossible. It can start in the home by revamping certain traditions that uphold toxic masculinity and amongst your group of friends. You can address is in the workplace and in any other spaces where it is prevalent.

3) Don’t enable rape culture - Speak out against people who make excuses for rape. Support people who have been raped, molested, etc. Create a safe space to allow for folks to share their experience and feelings.

4) Stop joking around, spreading memes or content that make violence against women and others okay. Fetishizing it, spreading it and joking around makes it okay to be part of the norm and culture of our society.

Please feel free to comment, share, etc. Let's engage in discussion, start a plan of action and work to end toxic masculinity. Until next time, I leave you with aladalove.

This is a personal blog. Any views or opinions represented in this blog are personal and belong solely to the blog owner and do not represent those of people, institutions or organizations that the owner may or may not be associated with in professional or personal capacity, unless explicitly stated. Any views or opinions are not intended to malign any religion, ethnic group, club, organization, company, or individual.