#to give it up because I’ve invested too much time and too many emotions in it

[whenthegoldrays]

day 9…

[nayatarot777]

What Should You Love About Yourself?

Thank you to everyone who has been booking personal readings and tipping! I’ve been able to buy some new oracle decks thanks to you guys. Thank you to everyone who has joined my Patreon too! Much appreciated! 💕💓

• Pile One •

What you should love about yourself is how, despite all of the pain and heartbreak that you’ve experienced thus far, you still put your head down and work at creating the life that you want. You could’ve been like many others and allowed your traumas to put you into a rut and ultimately an end to your efforts in regard to taking control of your life - and you may have experienced moments like that - but you’re extremely resilient. You don’t give up on your own life. You haven’t allowed anything that you’ve gone through to keep you down or break your spirit. You refused to allow yourself to be downtrodden by life’s (or other people’s) bullshit. Many people would consider detaching from emotional pain as a “bad” thing. I disagree. And that seems to be what you’ve done. You seem to not care about the people who’ve hurt you in the past and that’s where your power comes from. Your ability to walk away from people who hurt you is an ability that (I would say) a majority of the population struggles with for a huge portion of their lives. Women especially 👀. You don’t have this self-harming tendency that a lot of people mask as selflessness or love, though. You have great methods of self protection. There’s also a craft or a job that you’ve absolutely perfected that you’ve found a lot of success and recognition with - and if you haven’t yet, then you will! With the amount of time and energy that I’m seeing you invest into this, there’s no way that you don’t. You should love yourself for your ability to really take control over your life and what you create out of it. Your ability to see life from a higher perspective too. The way that you’re not afraid to be seen and show tf out 😂. Because a lot of people don’t reach this level of confidence to put themselves out there like that.

• Pile Two •

You should love your ability to create complete luxury, comfort, and harmony within your own space BY YOURSELF. This may not seem like a big deal to hermits or introverts, but trust me, a lot of people don’t even like themselves enough to like their own energy. That ability in itself is something that you should be giving yourself praise for. Your physical is also something that’s jumping out here. Love the fuck out of your body and your physical appearance, Pile Two. I don’t know if you do a lot of exercise, or if you just eat really well, or if you pamper yourself. You could just be born extremely physically beautiful. But I am seeing that you’re someone who treats your physical body really well. This could be something as simple as validating your body and recognising your beauty for yourself. You should love that you value yourself enough to do that. Your mind is also something that’s being brought to attention. You’re extremely introspective and diligent at taking a look at what’s in your mind. You’ve created a beautiful space for yourself too. Whether this is an external space or a mental space. You’re an extremely abundant person because you know how to attract abundance to yourself. And abundance is a plethora of things; it could mean money, it could mean an abundant mindset (an abundance of knowledge and understanding), it could be an abundant frequency/energy as a person. Whatever this abundance is, I’m seeing that you’re very giving of this abundance. You don’t hoard it, you’re willing to share it with others who are in need of it. I’m seeing that you’re a great manifestor. Mainly because you find things to celebrate in life in general - from the big things to the small things. You definitely work with the cosmos though. Through your inner compass. Are you the types of people who others can’t influence? If so, then this is what keeps you on the correct path. You’re very attached to your opinions and your beliefs and you’re in control of your mind through this way. Once you’re in control of your mind, nobody and nothing can be in control of you. And it takes a particularly powerful person to reach this level.

[flowerwiththemachinegun]

Sorry I like my men toxic and nobody can convince me that Tseng would give you a fully healthy relationship. He’s just not the worst guy you could date. So here are some of Tseng’s toxic habits. I wish we could post powerpoint slides. Like I guess NSFW for my choice of words. Edit: Okay I’ve typed more. It’s NSFW, it wasn’t that when it was just scattered notes i swear. granted, this is still scattered notes

Forgiveness?

Tseng. The man you forgive a million times because someone like him is so hard to come by. Even if you’re a person who doesn’t tolerate bullshit. You know that it would be impossible to find anyone nearly as good as him despite his mistakes. Tseng knows this too, taking advantage of your level of comfort in him. The connection between the two of you so deep there wasn’t a possibility you could view life without him. Tseng creates soul bonds with his significant other, he has to have all of you fully invested in him. You would also want for absolutely nothing, he can provide everything you could ever want so you can focus on the future you want to build for yourself. Whether it’s school, art, creating your own business, etc. Tseng is there to guarantee everything goes according to plan if it’s financially or if he has to pull a few strings. Seeks out people who would be reluctant to replace him but aren’t very co-dependent. If you manage to leave Tseng, say good riddance to developing any new relationships. He’s either going to make any of your new significant others vanish. If it’s someone he can’t kill, he’ll find a way to scare them away from you or find a way to put them in prison. 

My alternative reasoning as to why all of your other relationships would fail? The dick of course. Yes. The unbelievable wee wee. There’s not a soul in the world that would be able to learn your body the way he does. Have you ever heard of people being nearly ready to pass away because they lost their dick? Well if you haven’t, you have now. Even thinking of him fucking someone else the way he does with you is enough to make you want to vomit. That shit will have you sliding down the wall crying. You can try all you like to fuck someone else, it won’t compare. The way he touches you immediately sends electricity down your spine. It’s all in the way he knows how to touch you. Where to touch you. A subtle brush of his fingers along the small of your back while you’re riding him. An almost tickling sensation that causes you to press yourself against him as he leans up to kiss the most sensitive parts of your neck. How about when all he needs to do is look into your eyes and knows exactly how you want to be fucked? You can’t think of a time you had to ask him to do anything, your minds were seemingly in perfect sync. Always so so willing to please you. “So you wanna fuck other people huh?” He whispers in your ear mockingly while driving his cock deeper into you. Your knees pressed against your chest, legs hooked in Tseng’s arms as he ensures you won’t slip out of your position. No, you really don’t, not when he’s reminding you of what you’ll be missing. You’ll be calling him the next day for more, innocently asking for him to come over to “talk”. There won’t be much talking, just Tseng bending you over the kitchen table. His hands gripping your hips tightly as he fucks himself into you so deeply, ignoring the way your hands push against his abdomen in a half-hearted attempt to slow his tempo down. 

There aren’t many people in this world that would be nearly as attentive as he is. The way he can easily tell all of your needs within moments of talking to you. Reads you like a book and it can’t help but make your heart flip, cause like, ‘who sent this man?’ and why does he know all of your emotional needs and exactly how to take care of them? Tseng carries aspects of his job along with his relationships. The same way he gets to know his enemies closely, he’ll do the same to you. Memorizes all of your sayings, even can predict what your response would be to most questions or statements. It’s almost more eerie than heart warming. With this comes the ability to manipulate you endlessly. Gaslighting has never been easier honestly. Lying to you about anything or forcing you to agree with his point of view would be child’s play. The way he carries himself during an argument, so well composed, rarely letting his emotions control him paired with the way he effectively strings his words together to soothe you. His calmness will make you question why you’re even so worked up. Tseng isn’t, so why are you? Tseng makes you see everything through rose colored lenses, and despite your aching heart when he hurts you, Tseng could never be wrong in your eyes. He only does what’s best for you. 

Gaslighting? Probably.

Truly remembers every word you’ve said to him and will use it against you. This goes back into my last little paragraph but deeper? Uses traumatic things from your past so you can believe that maybe your emotions, in regards to something Tseng has done wrong, are nothing more than misguided reactions. Will have you think that maybe you’re projecting your fears from past experiences onto him when you challenge him or try to hold him accountable for any wrongdoings. Certainly will guilt trip you knowing exactly what makes you feel like you’re the biggest piece of shit in the world. He doesn’t have to do anything outrageous. It’s the way Tseng subtly changes his body language. Slumping his shoulders just a bit, the way his brow furrows at your words or actions, breaking eye contact and staring at the floor like a scolded child. To put the cherry on top, it’s the ever so slight change in his tone of voice. The wavering in his tone as he speaks softly, not too soft for it to sound out of the ordinary, but enough for you to believe you’ve hurt his feelings. Usually resulting in you coddling him, now you’re the one apologizing because you “never meant to make him feel bad” even if it’s because you were grilling him for something as major as fucking his boss behind your back. Believing that it must be your fault if he’s off sleeping with others. Master manipulator for sure. He’s good at lying, like we see what he does for a living.

Like to make you cry because he's the only one that can also make you better. At times he’ll do this just to make sure he’s got complete control over you still. Wrapping his arms around you in such a calming way, his warmth and sweet words coaxing you to relax against him so he could “make it all better again.” More makeup sex. Somehow gets a kick out of cheering you back up. One minute you were sobbing because his words were a little too cruel and now you’re sobbing because he won’t stop fucking you so good. Tseng has a way he likes to position you in times like this. Having you lay on your stomach, your back arched just enough for his hips to flush against your ass as he completely sheaths himself in you, whispering in your ear asking “you still love me, right?” Christ, he has a way of making himself emotionally needy at just the right times. You can’t help but whimper, whine, and eventually choke out, through your moans, your appreciation, love, and devotion to him. Always ends with him cuming in you, some aftercare, then holding you in his arms for a majority of the night unless work calls him away.

Sometimes-y af?

He can pick and choose when he wants to pick up your relationship or not but you cannot do the same to him. Loves someone who he can come and go as he pleases with. You're so stupid and willing. Loyal to a fault, though the only person it’s negatively affecting is you. There isn’t a time you’ve turned him away thus far. Constantly taking him into your arms, babying him as though he’s some angel despite you knowing he isn’t. Tseng’s just managed to get you to the point you couldn't care less about his deceptive ways. You just want him by your side, no matter what the circumstances may be. The entire world can see the invisible leash and collar Tseng has put on you, yet you manage to stay blind to it all. You’ll wait like the good little puppy he’s molded you into. 

It’s a wonder he can be such a gentleman and a conniving son of a bitch. The kind to end an argument by demanding to be left alone but will ask “what you're doing tonight” a few hours later---he's going to fuck you—giving you a reason to keep accepting him back into your loving arms. He knows you’re a gift from the Goddess but he can’t help that he likes being toxic at times. It’s why he treats you so well and the sex is so unbelievably good. He needs to cement himself into your soul so he can continuously get away with everything, so things can continue to go exactly as he wants it to. Tseng prefers a life with you that has no consequences. For him. You, however, have to deal with punishment if you dare treat him in a similar manner to his treatment of you. Will show his displeasure with hurtful words and by neglecting you. If that doesn’t have the desired effects he’s willing to scare you into submission. Once again, nothing too outrageous that he would do. Tseng might just choke you a bit, push you against a wall, or if you try to run he’ll hold you against him tightly. Whispering into your ear about making you disappear if he can’t have you the way he wants you. Telling you how he does so much for you and he at the very least deserves you on your best behavior at all times or else he might just have to break that pretty neck of yours. Isn’t too big on yelling, he can get his point across just fine without having to do so.

Stalker? Obviously.

Tseng has trackers in your cars, phone, and bags. It doesn’t matter where you go, he’s going to find you. He’s definitely followed you from location to location, making sure you were doing what you said you would be. Sure he’s always been able to track you, but that isn’t the same as seeing you. You could be doing anything in the areas you claimed to be in. Tseng is even familiar with the faces of employees of each store you frequent. Has tracked down every family member and friend of yours, performing thorough background checks on all of them. Even closely looking after some of the people closest to you. Tseng has to approve of the people you hang around of course, he won’t tolerate anything that he feels is a negative influence and will force them out of your life. Tseng will sit outside of your house for hours after leaving, wondering if someone will come over. If he knows someone is coming over he’s got your home mic’d. Listening to all of your conversations, evading your most private conversations. Hates to hear when you vent about him, makes it hard to come back to you and act nice when in reality he wants to correct you for telling his business to your friends and family. Doesn’t mind when you’re speaking highly of him though, you help boost his ego most of the time. Getting space from Tseng is impossible. Your attempts to drive around and find a nice parking spot are all for nothing. He’s following right behind you. Is definitely going to block you in with his own car, angrily getting out of his own. Once he made you leave your car where it was entirely. Pissed that you would try to get away from him at all, it doesn’t matter if it’s just for a few hours. Pushing you into the passenger seat of his car, driving you back home all while yelling about how stupid you were and that you would always come back begging for him. 

He was always right about that. Nothing would stop you from wanting Tseng back if he finally decided he was done. A relationship with Tseng is either on his terms or very much a “till death do us part” 

[tabithatwo]

i humbly request some of your jackienat thoughts at this time

I am humbly providing many many days after you asked!

Jackienat in canon: god I’ve talked about them at length before but there two as individuals are my little sweetie snookums lovebug angels (I love all the yellowjackets but god god god I love them); they are the two girls who I believe are the most invested in the team as a whole. I think they would’ve been amazing co-captains side note (not me suddenly considering writing a short little au something about them being captains together GOD). I think that it’s been said very well by many people, but they are so tethered. They want what’s best for all the girls, they love hard, and they do NOT get that energy in return enough. I don’t really understand why people come to the conclusion that they hated each other. I DEFINITELY don’t get why people come to the conclusion that they hated each other PRE crash, because there’s nothing negative show between them when we DO see other girls be bitchy to Nat and make fun of Jackie’s earnestness, but it’s never these two against each other. Nat is very vocally anti freeze her out, everyone knows innately that Jackie would be without even asking. I’ve spoken about their fight at length before, so without getting too far into that I will just say I think the way it escalates and gets so emotional and personal is very very telling. I don’t think they’ve fought before, Nat is clearly more emotional than when the other girls are cruel to her which I think means she didn’t expect it from Jackie, Nat hits back with a threat/fights back instead of brushing it off like she usually does. I think it’s fucking tragic that they fought and never got to reconcile, because they both are the type to hold guilt and sadness over that shit. Them teaming up at doomcoming against the crazy, the way Jackie would’ve lived if Nat were home for her and Shauna’s fight, the eulogy Nat gives Jackie when she takes her bones to the plane. They are just tragic and beautiful and we’re robbed of the chance to be truly close friends, because I really do think that’s the trajectory they were on.

Jackienat platonically: oh GOD do I love them. I can’t wait to explore their dynamic in we practice resurrection every night. I talked a lot about how I think they’d be close above but I also heavily hc that jackienat and shaunalottie each made out at least one party in high school respectively. They are so special to me. Sweet girls with huge hearts and very curated protective exteriors beloved beloved beloved.

Jackienat romantically: I love it so much. I am a jackieshauna and lottienat at heart (clearly lmao) but I LOVE them as a stop on the way to those endgames. I think they’d be surprisingly soft and sweet as a pairing and I think that they’d be able to help each other through the ummmm tougher times of shauna and lottie’s less than ideal behaviors lol. (I LOVE BOTH SHAUNA AND LOTTIE DEEPLY but they have some very rough tendencies that would be hard as their partner and I think some commitment issues/stumbling blocks to get to a healthy (healthy for yj) relationship status, just objectively lmao). Jackienat is hot and fun and kind and loving and the type of young dyke relationship that leads to really close lifelong friendship no one can ever change my mind on that <3 they should kiss <3

[voxofthevoid]

Oh my god! OH MY GOD!! I've been reading your Goyuu long fic and I think its easily the top 1 fic I've read this year. The dynamic is gold your Gojo characterization is everything I want and look for in the other ships and tragically can't find, and Yuuji/Sukuna symbiosis you have in there has me on my knees!!! I have always had a headcanon that Gojo is awful at intimacy not in the he hates intimacy way but his idea of intimacy is so warped that sometimes he can't differentiate between violence and love and god you deliver oh, you so deliver! And I love how you brought forward Yuuji's slightly unhinged violent side here too and his enjoyment of that mix of violence and sex I find very relatable tbh and in character for him. I don't know I feel like I can't articulate why I love your fic so much, especially chapter 10!! I've re-read it so sooo many times! Its perfect and maybe there's a little Sukuna in me too because every time I re-read it I'm turning into that sickos meme and go "yees, yees hehe yeees!!" anyway this was a longwinded way to say my braincells are invested in this fic. Thank you for sharing it with us!!!!

If I could eat this by the mouth, I would.

This would have been incredibly flattering to hear for any of my stories, but that fic is pretty much my favorite child among my JJK fics, so believe me when I say I’ve been floating on cloud nine since you sent this ask. Thank you so, so much ❤

I’m very much in the same camp when it comes to Gojou’s approach to intimacy. He’d want it, crave it—he’s canonically so lonely. But it’s also very clear that he’s not the most graceful (understatement of the year) when it comes to the emotional side of things, and the only close relationship he had in his life imploded spectacularly when he was seventeen. Recently, I called his affection “a kind of consuming love,” and that’s the headcanon I go with even in my tamest ideas. And every version of the story is anything but tame. I’d say that’s one of my most fucked-up Gojous. From the inciting event to the very end, everything serves to make him more and more insane about Yuuji.

As for Yuuji, I’ve pretty much turned his duality—that fascinating blend of immense compassion and devastating violence—into my fandom hill to kill and cannibalize on. On top of that, the sheer potential of his and Sukuna’s body-sharing situation gives me an evil thought or three, especially when considering the themes of body–soul themes in JJK and how Yuuji’s vesselhood is presented as distinctly different from that of others. He can digest a whole calamitous soul and feel every excruciating inch of the process, as a treat! So I’m right there with you in acting like the guy in the sickos meme 🤝

I appreciate those invested brain cells very much!

[voiidegg]

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR AA: DUAL DESTINIES UNDER THE CUT :D

i finished the game this morning, i’m on 5 hours of sleep, i stayed up all night playing it because i got way too invested.

NOT ONCE. NOT ONCE DID I SUSPECT THAT IDIOT OF A DETECTIVE. IT WAS ONLY UNTIL THE VERY LAST MINUTE THAT I REALISED. i felt absolutely sick to my stomach when i realised. i don’t even know why i trusted him so much, i literally thought he was just irrelevant to everything. there were NO HINTS. my brain absolutely HURT

hell, even I HAD DOUBTS about athena. i thought perhaps the murder was just a huge mistake. i figured out that athena must have been the one to put her mothers body on the operating table because she would think it could fix her, but i was in the dark about everything else. the MINUTE athena talked about blood getting on the handle, i knew it couldn’t have been her, i was so relieved.

i cannot begin to tell you the absolute CHILLS i got when miles revealed that the real bobby fulbright is DEAD. and had been for a year. that was the most chilling thing i’ve heard in this franchise so far and i don’t even know why it got to me so much. i think it was the thought of how the real fulbright had family, and nobody confirmed his death for a whole year, so that family was wondering where he had gone. it hit me right in the feels cuz personal experience :,) i don’t even know if that fact is true, it’s just something i thought of.

this case was absolutely amazing. usually i (and i’m sure many others) can figure out the culprit just before the final trial, but i was left in the dark for so long. even when that cctv image of the phantom showed up, i knew it had to be somebody we already knew, because why would they introduce a new person so late into a case? so i looked at every profile hard, AND WHEN I GOT TO FULBRIGHT’S, I RULED HIM OUT, SIMPLY BECAUSE I COULDNT LINK HIM TO THE MURDER 7 YEARS AGO. i was at such a loss on who it could have been.

and then, the one statement aura had after establishing the escape route. and i froze. this is by far the best case in the franchise, i couldnt stop playing even if i wanted to. there were so many bone chilling moments, like the emotions overload from blackquill, the NO emotions from the phantom, the messing around with emotions from him, finding out who he was posing as, him getting straight up sniped in the courtroom, apollo questioning athena.

and GOD SPEAKING OF APOLLO the way he just suffered alone i cAANTT ugghh. and poor athena… she was just a kid T^T

also i revoke my previous statement about blackquill. he’s a good guy. can be annoying, but he’s good at heart. i enjoyed his character in the end. i can’t imagine how furious he must have been when his phantom of 7 years was right under his nose the entire time. blackquill did everything to protect athena and i found it so endearing, i love what they have, it’s so sweet. i think i just need to learn to give prosecutors a chance, because i always dislike them until the finale, then when their motives are revealed, i see sense and i like them.

i was so angry i didn’t get to see the phantom’s face, but after sleeping on it i’ve realised that’s actually better than seeing his face. i dunno it just feels more right for his true face to mean nothing.

so, to conclude my ramble, what a game. so worth me staying up all night til 10am for :] i don’t think anything can top that, but i’ll be pleasantly surprised if it happens

i may follow up this post with some video reactions i clipped, we’ll see :D

[kayas-obsession]

I guess it is true when people say a book is never read the same way twice.

I’ve heard a difference in opinion many times.

These are my interpretations on Elriel. To be honest, they were just thrown at me and I didn’t know how to react. I was happy ig? But not really invested. Initially I loved the idea of them.

Then I reread the series.

And I didn’t even know how to interpret it and just thought oh well. Because Azriel still was obsessed over Mor and clearly couldn’t control his emotions so ofc mine for Elriel was all over the place.

Mor and Azriel always felt so uncomfortable for me. Like I couldn’t breathe when they were mentioned together in a romantic way. Because Mor was obviously so distraught over the idea of the two of them together. And then she came out. I was so happy Azriel was out of this cycle because I knew a confrontation was in order.

But then he was suddenly in love with Elain?

Like um, what?

I just couldn’t grasp what happened.

When I tell you how surprised I was to find his behaviour towards Elain during the war. When he gave her his dagger I thought it represented his protective nature. Nothing more. And his anger when she got captured? Kinda suspicious but okay.

I hadn’t read the bonus chapter 2 years ago so no I wasn’t shipping Az with Gwyn.

And then I read the bonus chapter. When I tell you my jaw dropped when they nearly kissed.

The point I’m making is, they just had this buildup all of a sudden that I just couldn’t believe SJM would have planned out.

When SJM introduces something like a kiss or anything intimate it’s always a slow burn. Like sometimes so slow it’s annoying. (TOG, CC, Cassian and Nesta) It was more or less in 30% of the book where they had any progress.

So then I started questioning. Why? To build all that just to drop it in a bonus scene? To inform us a confirmation of their feelings in a bonus which I’m sorry, I had missed for 2 years. Maybe my fault too but it just felt so anticlimactic.

I lost any interest I had in this couple because where was the heat? Where was the toe curling, book-shutting-and-squealing buildup? Where was the electricity that was briefly mentioned in ACOSF? The “I pine for you enough to fight the world much less a high lord” scene? Where was Azriel’s mention of love when Rhys asked him why Azriel had planned to stick his tongue down Elains throat?

And why was Gwyn even mentioned when it was just about these two that I was invested in? And to give her the necklace, a gift he bought for Elain which idk why Elain even sent back to him. And to end the POV with mentioning Gwyn in the same detail he had mentioned the necklace?

So yes I read ACOSF again and this time I knew the devil was in the details.

The promise of a slow toe curling romance was in the horizon and I’m sorry I won’t stay and keep my hopes in a forbidden romance with characters who would give up on each other at the first warning. I’m here for the bickering, the challenges, the ones that make the characters eyes twinkle with glee instead of tears.

If SJM changes her mind I will never hate her for it but a part of me will always be disappointed that she did not use this massive potential of a couple.

[missv4mpsdiary]

Miss Vamp’s Diary • Fetish Goths Explained

Introduction

This is my first tumblr post don’t judge me. I’ve been wanting to do this since purple galaxy pattern was trending. I’m also writing this on my phone atm. You can skip the introduction, just trying to show some credibility as a goth content creator (ʃᵕ̩̩ ᵕ̩̩⑅)

Hello, my name is Miss Vamp. You can also address me as “Vamp” or “V4mptiddy” if you’re not one of my simps online. I decided to open up a small blog to elaborate on some small things like my inspirations for my fashion/cosmetics, honest makeup reviews, commentary on gothic culture or just personal experiences as a financial dominatrix. I want to share more dimensional factors about my (attempted) online personality. This is my awkward way of actually conveying some information that I’ve planned on sharing with the public such as how I’ve grown into being “Miss Vamp”.

I’m a year and a half in the industry, I hope to have this as a long term investment in my future. I aspire to be a goth influencer like MamieHades with my own twist. I love her to bits, one of the first people to notice my posts when I started on Instagram around April 2023.

During my time, I’ve managed to have a sub-funded makeup series where subs buy my makeup for me, a collaboration photoshoots with my best friend of eight years (Mellowbatz on IG), and own a 18+ NSFW discord server, “SlutCult”. So that’s also pretty cool too. I feel almost indebted to the Findom, Goth and BDSM community for supporting my dreams. I’m still small, lots to improve on but optimistic on what my capabilities are in regards to my own contribution towards the locals.

(I’m open to mutuals, you don’t have to pay to chat with me. In spite of that, sub that are interested in serving me, my initial tribute is $20. I’m a busy woman so I expect something transactional to catch my attention.)

Anyways, since I’m juggling so many things so early, making so many securities, a lot of people acknowledge it but never really understand how much this occupation means to me. I’ve barely started recognizing the emotional attachment I’ve had with this occupation until six months into it. There’s more intricate details between the line of my presentation. They don’t know my storyline of how I swindled to becoming a sensual sadistic fetish goth vampire that glue down their eyebrows and give subs nightmare fuel with my uncanny goth makeup. Nor have I truly exposed this side of me. In an unfiltered and non restricted manner. This is my raw self and attitude through written work.

Findom, Makeup tutorials and Goth Modeling is honestly my biggest passion as I’m entering my twenties and one of the things that orbits around my individuality. Yes, I have other accomplishments like graduating with an English degree and other adult stuff but this is equally important to me.

I plan on possibly running a YouTube channel with my bestfriend in the future but for now, I wanted to dabble in blogs and possibly have this as an online diary. A media that my intended audience can enjoy and for subs to indulge in secrecy.

If you've followed me on my other platforms outside of tumblr, I identify as a Fetish Goth. At some point, I pathetically failed to articulate that I wanted to have more queer/alt mutuals on an Instagram reel which backfired because I realized my interest is NICHE. It’s not well defined and misconstrued to be something else. Therefore, I feel like I have a sense of responsibility to actually elaborate and educate people who actually have an interest in my vision. I see that there’s attentive people that would like to know what I’m deliberately posting about.

General Explanation About Fetish Goths:

Fetish goth is a style blending elements of gothic fashion with BDSM aesthetics, stands out as a striking and provocative form of self-expression within alternative communities. Sensuality can serve as an identity in an individual’s life by their practice, morality or occupation. Sex sells but committing to the bit is taboo. It’s distinct subculture style within the broader landscape of gothic fashion, drawing influences from BDSM culture, punk fashion, and alternative music scenes. It was formed in the progression of goth culture, embracing edgier and more provocative aesthetics, incorporating elements of fetish wear and erotic symbolism into their attire. Generally speaking, it’s the reason why we wear fishnets, chokers and corsets.

The origins of fetish goth can be traced back to the late 20th century, a period marked by profound social and cultural upheaval with pop culture. Pop Culture media loves incorporating it but the average citizen can sneak a few disapproving glances at you. This fashion statement is not only controversial but can be relevant in today’s societal pandemic of purity culture and norms about fashion. A more honorable mention is the arguments about goth only fans models and idiots arguing in my comment section about how i’m a “poser” yet they lip sync to London After Midnight’s “Bondage Song” as a thirst trap on TikTok. This evolution in thought is not merely academic but has had profound social and moral implications. The motives developed through the ongoing media interpretation of said fashion and formed into a more political statement. In recent years, it has continued to germinate and adapt, reflecting changing attitudes towards gender, sexuality, and identity. As society becomes increasingly diverse and inclusive, fetish goths have expanded their ranks to include individuals of all genders, sexual orientations, and cultural backgrounds, encompassing a more fluid and expansive understanding of alternative fashion and subcultural identity.

As punk and gothic subcultures gained momentum in the 1970s and 1980s, a wave of creative experimentation swept through alternative communities, challenging conventional notions of fashion and identity. Inspired by the DIY ethos of punk and the macabre elegance of gothic aesthetics, early fetish goths began to incorporate elements of fetish wear / symbolism into their attire. The 1990s had a rise in electronic music (synth waves) and Fetish style such as PVC, rubber, piercings, leather latex and BDSM bondaged wear in Goth Clubs. This was an imperative step in separating Goth as a distinct subculture that is dissimilar to the post-punk scene it spawned from. Punk fashion had also incorporated elements of bondage and BDSM-wear because it was popularized in the media (Vivienne Westwood and Malcolm McLaren’s legendary SEX store in London) but it wasn’t as evident. Most punks were wearing D rings rather than O rings. The difference is O-ring is solely meant for BDSM, it means ownership and customized for humans participating in it; Having a D ring on a collar was catered to dogs. This might be a culture shock to some but chokers are called chokers for a reason.

It was merely drawing inspiration from the dark romanticism of gothic literature, the raw energy of punk rock, and the provocative aesthetics of BDSM. Fetish goths crafted a distinct visual language that defied categorization and pushed the boundaries of traditional fashion. The rise of this look coincided with a broader cultural shift towards alternative lifestyles and underground subcultures. As mainstream media and popular culture began to co-opt elements of gothic and BDSM aesthetics, fetish goths carved out their own niche within the subcultural landscape, embracing DIY ethos and a spirit of creative rebellion. From underground clubs and music festivals to online forums and social media communities, fetish goths found camaraderie and solidarity with like-minded individuals who shared their passion for dark fashion and unconventional beauty.

This is the part that could be upsetting to some but I must admit that it’s necessary to emphasize on how insane some users sound when they blame me as “part of the problem”; that doesn’t make sense. Fetish goth is not porn material, I personally don’t pretend to be goth for money. Not every single fetish goth is meant to be a sex worker, some just like it for the sex appeal and nothing more. As for me? I incorporated it into my findom / online branding and it was my own personal choice. There’s something more important to be addressed about within this context, there was always a fetish component to the subculture. It’s inherited into our characteristics. It doesn’t mean that femme presenting people should be fetishized. No one deserves to be fetishized unless there’s consent. I just need to make it abundantly clear it has been adopted by the goth scene entirely and any article of these clothes can be obtained without going to a sex store. It’s the unspoken reason why goth clubs are 18+ and elder goths were so territorial around baby goths. We have adopted explicit fetish accessories and turned it into street wear, the beloved footwear of big stompy boots also deviated from early goth footwear. While Demonia makes many styles of gothic shoes, their most identifiable boots are characterized by their tall platforms and heavy silver hardware, which can take the form of spikes, O-rings, buckles or chains. Both of these that were originally worn by them are now integrated into casual fashion and have influenced gothic culture. So I’d hate to register people on my page complaining about my fashion niche as hypocritical. ESPECIALLY if they’re in possession of Demonia boots and lip service items, it’s like the call is coming from inside the house. It’s so similar to our modern appearance that people can’t differentiate the two or register that it was the blueprints.

One of the key influences on the development of fetish goth style was the BDSM subculture, which was also a distinct community in the latter half of the 20th century.

BDSM, an acronym for Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, and Masochism, encompasses a wide range of practices and identities centered around consensual power exchange and erotic role-playing, Outside of the biased interpretations it’s classified as "a multidimensional paraphilia of sexuality; (consensual) power interchange in sexual encounters." All of this is safe of course, unlike the stigma, there are plenty of rules and reinforcements because it’s disciplinary between two parties (or more).” Fetish attire actively include leather, latex, corsets, and other fetishistic attire serve as symbols of sexual empowerment and personal expression, challenging societal taboos surrounding sexuality and desire to the public interest. It could simply be served as a temptation and pinpoint what kind of individual a person is by their reaction; "A twofold evolution tended to make the flesh into the root of all evil, shifting the most important moment of transgression from the act itself to the stirrings - so difficult to perceive and formulate - of desire" (Foucault, p. 20), reflects the seductive nature of fetish goth attire.

The main introduction is mainly with O rings chokers, big boots (with O rings, chains or spikes), bondage pants, chains/mail materials, and PVC, a type of latex leather that has a glossy shine, and the alternative version faux leather. This style does more than simply shock or oppose societal norms; it questions the foundations upon which these norms are built. By bringing 'the stirrings of desire' into the open, It critiques the notion that internal desires should be repressed or hidden. Instead, it celebrates these as parts of human identity that should be acknowledged and expressed. The visibility of such attire in public spaces and subcultural gatherings underscores a rejection of the idea that the body and its desires are sources of evil or shame. Furthermore, the very act of displaying what is conventionally concealed operates as a form of resistance against societal controls over the body and sexuality. It embodies a challenge to the 'twofold evolution' where the personal, internal aspects of desire are not only made visible but are also celebrated rather than censured. In doing so, fetish goth fashion not only redefines the aesthetics of desire but also reclaims agency over how desire and the body are perceived and governed.

Philosophy In The Details:

In historical context, particularly within Christian doctrine, this transformation can be seen in the transition from a focus on overt acts of sin to a more introspective examination of one's inner life and temptations. This shift places a greater moral burden on individual thoughts and feelings, which are inherently more subjective and less observable than actions. This introspective turn is deeply aligned with the practice of confession, where the faithful are encouraged not only to repent for their sins but to verbalize their innermost temptations and desires, thus making what is internal and hidden into something spoken and external.

So yes, to an extent there is a transformation of desire when most people start experimenting with it. Western societies have conceptualized sin and morality. This statement reflects a significant shift from viewing sin as merely a matter of wrongful actions (the acts themselves) to a deeper concern with the internal desires and impulses that precede and instigate these actions (the stirrings of desire). Without a doubt, there’s a site of moral scrutiny and social control that resonates strikingly with the aesthetics and expressions within it. Fetish goth attire, with its explicit evocations of the forbidden and the transgressive, challenges this historical moral schema by externalizing and aestheticizing what mainstream culture might deem dark or deviant desires. The provocative nature of fetish goth attire is not just a fashion statement but a form of social commentary. It confronts the viewer with a visual dialogue about the nature of desire, transgression, and the body.

In essence, the provocative freedom of fetish goth attire is a powerful form of cultural critique and resistance, embodying Foucault's observations about the shifts in moral scrutiny from acts to desires. It is more avant garde promoting a more inclusive and accepting approach to the diverse expressions of human sexuality and identity.

Significance In MY Life

However, to me, It’s my lifestyle. Arguably, it's the origins of my alter ego. My wardrobe, which is slowly accumulating more BDSM fetish attire and undergarments. Subs tend to buy my accessories, leather goods, makeup, lingerie and underwear. The exhibitionist in me can’t help but to be promiscuous in material. I personally love receiving attention in tight fitted and licentious displays of my best physical assists. I love it when it’s acknowledged and obsessed when I get complimented by anyone really. There’s just something about it that makes me feel really good inside when I challenge the status quo of “modesty” and “purity”. Makes me perky when I get worshipped for these qualities. Truly and honestly, I write this with my full heavy heart that I feel absolutely empowered. I take pride in being a tease and being spoiled for it. I love taking money and turning people on for wearing sexy clothes. For offending conservatives and being labeled as a lecherous “Jezebel”. It's the sensational urge that dwells within my erotic chimera to make someone choke on their tears when they address me as their Mistress. It’s the shine in my leather boots and in my eyes when I fantasize about a pathetic infatuated slave worshiping me at my toe box. The pleasure within holding someone at the end of the leash and consensually treating the participant as a fetish fashion accessory. Excitement to have a drawer full of subfunded panty just to add on the extra flare of what the distance of a fetish goth can preform. The ability to be thankful everyday because it’s another day to spite someone or give someone a sexual awakening. It’s the principles of my morality and the influences in my judgment as a woman in control of a libido. The confidence I have at this very moment, took many years to build up enough to prevail and rip people limb from limb apart. The guideline of sexual ethics, the philosophy of BDSM. My highest pinnacle of self expression. My own form of sexual liberation and sensuality wrapped in black satin and leather. It’s my redemption for being shamed into conformity. I refuse to surrender something valuable like that again.

This seemingly benign practice of sensuality of discussing desires becomes a profound tool for societal control on my end, influencing not just my own actions but the very desires that motivate an individual. It compliments my personality and if you dare to be technical in astrology, it’s the product of having a scorpio venus. I love the intensity, undying admiration and stubborn loyalty that could be formed in a dynamic bond. Overall, I love garnering eccentric fashion and sexual appeal like Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark. I will say it’s not for everyone, including other goths in the community but this lifestyle was solely the reason as to why I was able to reclaim my power and gain an identity as a fashionista and a findom. I do not sexualize goths, I sexualize myself if that makes sense? The funny thing about the assumption from the public eye is that everyone thinks I'm experienced and “ran through” but I'm still a raging virgin with guilty pleasures and hyperfixation on the topic. Regardless, I hold intense sentimental value in my fashion statement overall.

Originally, I treated this like exposure therapy after my assault and learned all principles before applying it into my life. I hope this perspective offers a critical framework for understanding the acts of rebellion and identity expression in communities, which stand in stark contrast to these norms, showcasing their cultural significance and resistance (and look good doing it). I also wanted to share this to formally specify why I make this such a big deal in my brand. Western societies have historically managed individual desires, particularly through the mechanism of discourse. A form of societal command unique to the West — was established to regulate personal desires captures a pivotal shift in the relationship between individuals and societal norms. This injunction wasn't merely a directive to obey the law; it extended deeply into the private realm, dictating that individuals not only confess to transgressions but also constantly discuss and analyze their desires.

Conclusion

(Relatively speaking as a fetish goth/findom)

Western society compels individuals to transform "every desire into discourse." This requirement to vocalize and scrutinize personal desires allows society to exert control over individuals not just through suppression but through the shaping of thoughts and feelings. Desires, once private, become public and malleable under societal scrutiny. I just personally feel like I’ve always been observed under this pressure before I turned 18 because of the brash gooners that had their brain fried from porn. No matter what I wear, it will never be an invitation but that doesn’t mean people won’t stop eye fucking me. So I interpreted this as my own way of processing and making desires a topic of constant discourse but simultaneously serves as a subtle but powerful form of social control for me. Before I turned into a fleshed out goth girl, I was confronted by this behavior on multiple occasion. If people are going to be weirdos, they might as well pay for my bills.

It operates under the impression of transparency and self-awareness, yet it functions as a mechanism through which society can influence and often dictate acceptable desires and behaviors. In the context of the fetish goth subculture, this societal mandate becomes a site of resistance. By openly embracing and redefining what mainstream culture might consider deviant or taboo, members of this subculture challenge the traditional boundaries set by the historical injunction to regulate desires through discourse. So in conclusion, this is how I live in my truth. Either you hate it, love it or fund it.

[dreaming-of-mossballs]

hii so I'm like a super ultra silent reader of your content bc I am deathly afraid of my liked posts showing up on my friends' feeds. but I had to somehow let you know that even though you seem to be having some sort of burnout and unhappiness with your writing, as someone who's very very picky about what writing I even enjoy, your writing style and skill is definitely some of my favorite on the app at all. I totally understand being unhappy with your own work since I'm an artist too (albeit a visual artist so, not quite the same here but the idea applies), and I can relate to being unsatisfied with whatever it is you're putting out there. but basically, I just wanted to let you know from an outside view, your writing is extremely eloquent and well-put-together and organized. you can tell your writing is created with a lot of thought and time put into it, which is why it's so easy to enjoy. and side note, I LITERALLY haven't been able to stop thinking of your last post since I read it yesterday which almost never happens 😭. honestly even though there's like 5 gepard fans on here so he gets practically no content from anyone, I'd still prefer to have your writing carrying the "fanclub" of sorts over a large crop of posts from lots of people that isnt very well-done or thought about. I know you said this recent post may be your last one for a bit, so please, PLEASE take your time with whatever's next!! your stuff is always very much worth the wait ❤️ and please do take care of yourself and don't push yourself too hard.

(by the way, you totally don't need to post this on your profile or respond to it at all, I just wanted to send in some kind of message about it since as I mentioned, my paranoia prevents me from interacting with your posts directly 😞)

CRYINGB UGLY SOBBING OMGOMGOMG

It surprises me when people say I don’t need to respond because I can’t keep such a nice note to myself 😭 but I do the same thing when I’m sending asks so I totally get it (I’d get this tattooed on my forehead if no one stopped me)

i had NO IDEA I had a super ultra silent reader so this was an absolute joy to get. There was a post I saw earlier about how in fandoms, it’s either you talking with a small group of friends or your door is open and people come in and listen to you ramble. I’m definitely the latter. I’m so fortunate to have so many people invested in my story lol, because like most things I write, they start off as daydreams in bed. I’ve never written one out before, but I’m SO GLAD I DID.

And honestly, if I were to release something the quality I wanted it to be, it would take ages of rereading and refining. Unfortunately im not a very gifted writer, but all the practice I’ve gotten due to being obsessed with gepard has helped me a bit. I just have to remember that haha

Some less coherent thoughts

ITS EASY TO UNDERSTAND???? YAY IM SO HAPPY AHHHHHHHH

i actually based my style off the wings of fire series, i don’t know if y’all are familiar with it, but the introspective humor was so fun to me as a child. (Also I love using Chekhov’s gun as a crutch I’m sorry guys) it also stemmed from the worry that readers wouldn’t be able to visualize what I was picturing, so that ended up in a LOT of describing scenes early on. With no metaphors so it was just like. (Y/N) set the cup down, (Y/N) put the laundry in the washer, etc. hahaha it makes me laugh looking back on it

it also makes me absolutely kicking my feet giddy that it’s invaded your brain. I love giving people brain worms and inflicting emotional damage on them. And gepard ALWAYS shares posts with other Hsr men like. The absolute middle child treatment. But I’m glad I’m doing my part to bring something to the table that’s different than the usual 1k words he gets sandwiched in between five other people.

it makes me so so happy you think my writing is organized and well thought out, because I do put a lot of thought into it!

I’ve run out of words to say but i might come back to this to ramble pfft

i hope that fic gives you a good supply of serotonin for days to come 🩵🩵

[tempus-serpentes]

??? / system and personality vulnerabilities/dissection, brief mention of domestic s/a, long rambling beneath cut.

I am so tired of wearing masks all the time. Nearly no one knows my real face, it’s too abrasive, too blank and impassive. Alternatively, too exaggerated. I’ve been a chameleon my whole life. I am very much tired of it. I’m not quite sure how to stop it, if I’m being honest, how to be as close to “myself” as possible. Probably even more so because I’m not the “core” of this body, I existed solely to replace a dead child and now I’m not sure what to do with the grown up corpse. They were supposed to come back.

I know certain things are integral to a personality, I know some things are not. I know I’m inherently sceptical of others, but that’s not a natural personality trait, that is taught. I know I am “blithe”, in both meanings of the word. I know I’m incapable of feeling strong emotions for an extended period of time. I know that I don’t always like making jokes or being funny and such but I also know that that’s what’s expected of the persona I’ve made for myself. My “person suit” is unsuspecting and odd but well meaning. Comedic. Boisterous but these are inherently disarming traits and I’m not sure how much of these are nature or nurture. I have spent a very long time creating this mask but I’d like to take it off now.

I know I’m possessive, of materials and people but not to the point of constant jealousy, to the point of resource guarding, maybe, saving the people I love because something in my brain is quite selfish. Though, never to the point of overbearing. I’ve taught myself manners. I don’t like being lied to but I am capable of omitting truths.

I am like catnip to rapists disguised as lovers. This is an unfortunate side affect of the mask as well, I don’t blame myself but I’m aware that I’ve made myself give the nature of docile even when I am not.

I don’t really know who I am because for a very long time this was not “my” body or “my” life and had no investment in it. I love people, of course, I love things and foodstuffs and whatever else we expect of a surface level person but it’s all very cut and dry.

I enjoy having friends and people to talk to but I do not want to make friends. I don’t mind the emotional labour, the ins and outs of learning a new person and the relationship it will bring, I find it interesting and invigorating but I do not like the idea of abandonment. It makes me. Well.

I miss people I barely know and I hate people I’ve never spoken to if I find my morals offended in some way as I am very protective of the moral guidelines I have created and learned. I’m not sure how “normal” this is.

I think romantic love is sickening (angering? sickening is too strong of a word but nothing else really defines the feeling), but only if I’m the one involved. I do not even fantasise about it. I have been burned a few too many times so this is not “nature”, it is “nurture”. Sex is fine. I guess. It’s something people do and I would probably find enjoyment in if I was able to.

I don’t experience friendship decay. I love my friends. I think about them throughout the day even if we have not spoken, I give them my imaginary well wishes and I hold them and keep them very close to my heart. Sometimes I feel like I’m reminding myself of that constantly. “I love my friends” because I don’t love much else. I am inherently prone to self-harm, this is nature for a series of reasons regarding my natural psyche but I do not hurt myself unless I intend to, it almost never happens on accident. I am not prone to hurting others intentionally or for fun but I am always aware of my innate human ability to do so. I do not like cruelty or violence without reason. I am easily annoyed but I would never allow that annoyance to interfere with my actions.

I don’t like being “known” beyond a superficial level unless I allow it but I hate not being understood because no one, save for a few, have managed to see me. My mask has been slipping a lot more lately. I feel unsettled, I feel as if I have been shifted slightly but without any understanding of what such a shift means.

[ninadove]

For the Layton ask game:

(Sorry it's hard to decide, every question is interesting) Please 3,7,11,14,24 and 30! If it's too much, just ignore some :D

Never apologise for sending me asks or personality quizzes - you have no idea how much I love them! ❤️

3. What’s your favourite soundtrack?

Call me basic, but I am in love with the Unwound Future theme. Such emotion! Such drama! Yet such dignity! It’s been 12 years and I still get chills listening to it.

7. What’s your favourite cutscene?

I’m a huge Clive fan, so obviously it has to be the evil laugh scene. I might or might not have tried to replicate it in front of the mirror when I was a teen.

11. Do you have a favourite quote? If yes, what is it?

“This is the second time you’ve saved my life now. Thank you.”

14. If you could punch one character in the face, who would it be?

For a long, looong time, I would have answered “Bill Hawks” without skipping a bit. In recent years, however, I’ve come to realise Bronev is much more of an *sshole - at least according to my personal standards.

Hawks’ victims were killed because of his negligence and greed, not because he actively set out to murder them. It is one if those cases where the cover-up is worse than the actual crime.

Bronev, on the other hand… Gosh, what a piece of work.

This man most likely abducted a child, probably killing her parents in the process (we have no evidence either way, but come on - I don’t believe anything he told Emmy was true, and she was probably too young to remember much for herself). He then proceeded to groom her for OVER 20 YEARS to turn her into A. a spy and B. fresh meat for the Evil Azran Labyrinth (or whatever that thing is supposed to be). All of that to gain control over the antic equivalent of the nuclear bomb, and go Surprise Pikachu Face when it blows up in his face.

I can see why people like him, though - he definitely is a compelling a character. But given the opportunity I would absolutely break his nose.

24. When did you first discover the series?

My grandma was actually the one who got me into the series! I was around 9 or 10 when she got the game for herself as a bit of a brain teaser. Before she knew it, she was stuck on a puzzle and I, being the helpful kid with a sense of intellectual superiority that I was, offered to “help”.

So I got stuck on that puzzle too, because of course I did, and being 10 and stubborn I refused to give the DS back until I figured it out. My grandma made note of how invested I was in the game and, when she got tired of it herself, she passed her copy onto me.

The rest is history.

30. If you could tell one character something, who would it be and what would you say?

“Dear Clive,

I hope this letter finds you well. As for me, I am in quite an interesting situation.

This may be difficult to believe, but I am writing to you from 12 years in the future.

Over these past 12 years, I’ve spent many hours writing, drawing, or just daydreaming about the happy ending I want to give you. I am now on my way to my own happily ever after, and I couldn’t have done it without you.

Thank you for being an endless source of creativity and hope in my life. More exciting things are coming our way, I promise.

With all my love,

Nina”

[gillianthecat]

I just read Naomi Novik’s final book in her Scholomance trilogy, The Golden Enclaves. This was the first book I’ve read in I don’t know how many months, possibly since last winter. Historically I’ve been a huge reader, usually a binge reader. I’m in an odd lull from it now, and pretty much only watching things. A flip from the previous two years when I lived on fanfic and romance novels and could barely watch a thing.

Overall I liked it, and the whole series! My appreciation of this book was more intellectual than emotion, but I’m not sure if that’s the book or just my current state of mind. I have many thoughts about it, which I may eventually write something about. Particularly about the way she writes romance, and the role it plays in her stories, across her original fic and fanfic. And also about how she mapped the magical world onto the mundane.*

Mostly I’m posting this as a time stamp of when I read it, since I found going back through my blog useful when trying to reconstruct my watching life. And also as a note to self about what I was thinking of.

(This reading was triggered by the post someone reblogged about how there is a recurring character in Supernatural fanfic named Naomi Novak.)

*on the enclave politics of the magical world: I kind of wish she’d made it either less of a match for the cities and international politics of the real world, or more so, and leaned into the political allegory. As it was, it felt too much like relying on stereotypes as a shortcut.

on romance: I found Orion completely uninteresting as a love interest, although fascinating as a concept and a narrative foil. His boring personality was partly the point of the character—what happens when someone really is the hero, and only lives to slaughter monsters?—but it also made it hard to understand why El loved him, or to feel emotionally invested in her grief for him and her performing impossible feats just to save him. Intellectually I understood them, and they make for great storytelling, but I personally didn’t care much about his fate. And then at the end I realized that he performed the same role as the flat generic female love interests in so many stories about male heroes. Where they exist to be saved but aren’t fully fleshed out on their own. (thequeenofsastiel, I won’t tag you in case you haven’t read these books, but it’s making me think of our conversations about women in media.) Someone to motivate the protagonist, to be rescued. (I do also have many vague thoughts about all the interesting things she was doing with Orion and El (and both their mothers) that wasn’t romance, but I have a headache and don’t want to write anymore.)

Which made me look back to the other two novels of hers that I read, Spinning Silver and Uprooted, and in those the male love interests of the young female protagonist are similarly sidelined and… not necessarily one-dimensional exactly, but underexplored. They’re both significantly older than the protagonist, and the story of the romance is really a sideline or an afterthought. I know many people were bothered by the age gap in Uprooted, but as I recall it didn’t bother me because it felt like the story was about the protagonist growing up and coming into her power, becoming someone who was an equal of the old man wizard at the end. Like in so many stories where the hero gets the girl, the "romance" isn’t about him, it’s symbolic of the journey she went on… not a reward exactly, but also more about her than him. In Spinning Silver the romance is even less fleshed out—she goes into the woods with the fairy king (or whatever he was, I read it long ago) and they come out married. My reaction to that was mostly huh? It more or less made sense for the story, but she gives so little explanation of why and how they fell in love that it felt jarring.

If these three books were all I’d read of hers I’d assume she simply wasn’t interested in romance. The fact that 2/3 of the love interests are so much older and given so little page time reminds of that story (not sure if it’s true or apocryphal) about Louisa May Alcott being told she had to put a romance in Little Women and, in irritable defiance, making Jo fall in love with a boring old man. But much of her fanfic is romance, and when she puts it in I can usually feel the love and attraction between the characters, understand why they want each other. Which makes me curious about why it’s so different in the three published novels I’ve read. Is she less interested in het relationships? (I’ve read very little of her mf fan fiction so far.) Does it get in the way of the stories she wants to tell about young women? Is it something about the way she’s using YA genre conventions?

It does feel a little weird talking about her work on Tumblr where I know she has an account (which I even follow) but presumably she isn’t doing name searches out here.

[k-kkaren]

EX FACTOR

LOL sighs ..anddddddd action. When I tell you all this is probably one of my most anticipated blogs ever. I’ve seriously wrote this blog so many times (I’m talking all the way probably back to around when I first started writing blogs) and every time I get ready to publish it, I always back out. For one I know the emotions that come with this song for me. Once a young girl stealing my sisters Miseducation of Lauryn Hill cd to a woman in my late 20s now feeling exactly each word she wrote. Every time I hear the melodic chimes and piano in the beginning it creates such an emotion for me. Then to precede and say “It could all be so simple, but you’d rather make it hard. Loving you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars. Tell me who do I have to be to gain some reciprocity.(S/o to her for truly teaching us what that word means) See no one loves you more than me and no one ever will.”

As a woman, I truly understand how simple love could be. Relationships too. We didn’t say easy because nothings ever easy, we just said simple. But (whatever your preference may be) realistically they make it so hard. A lack of so to say. Lack of communication. Lack of accountability. Ego. Wounds in the way aka trauma. And. Straight up unwillingness. (Sidenote, I know I have a couple of guys who sometimes read these and the same things go for women.. i too have lacked in these areas as well and I’m woman enough to admit that)

“No matter how I think we grow you always seem to let me know,it ain't working…And when I try to walk away you'd hurt yourself to make me stay. This is crazy…I keep letting you back in. How can I explain myself? (I don't understand why) As painful as this thing has been. .. ” i don’t even sing that last part because I know I truly am capable of moving on. I’ve done it quite a time or two. It just takes me a min. But I get it who wants to in some cases.

Being very transparent with you all I don’t think I’ve ever been with someone but not with someone so much in my entire 14 years of being a dater. It’s like I would always be drawn in to stay somewhere where I know didn’t serve me purpose. But I also didn’t want to give up on it bc I always felt like we could grow. I once believed in wrong timing. I felt like too much time had been invested. I felt comfortable. I always tried to find the good(Bc in all honesty when it was good, it was good. My friends never saw that side so I get the stares and all the questions lol. I really do y’all.)

“See I know what we've got to do. You let go and I'll let go too. 'Cause no one's hurt me more than you. And no one ever will..” The hardest part but the part that warms my heart the most. We hate to let things go that mean so much to us, things that were once near and dear to our heart but it’s essential for progressing. I look at hurt like all the lessons of a lifetime that potentially made me into a better woman. A more guarded woman. A more cautious woman for sure, but never the less still a woman, phenomenally. And I try to pride myself on that.

Ex Factor - a tale of three different stages that I’m sure every single one of us have been through or may be currently experiencing.

The Ex Factor - a product of someone or something mattering but not so much anymore. And I’ll drink to that. With another month concluding, into the year that’s moving ever so rapidly so much of me knows that it’s a dire need to go ahead and get this out the way because all in all it has held me back in many ways. It’s crazy like I noted earlier I’ve seriously wrote this blog, tweaked it, deleted stuff from it since about 2020 and each time I felt something new. Today 4/30/2023 is the best I’ve felt about it in all these years. I say all of that to say, “it’s” awaiting.

As always, in all ways — Love and Light 💗

Twitter : _kforkaren

Instagram : kforkarenn

[matt0044]

Assassination Classroom’s penultimate episode make me actually sob.

I think the mark of a good show or movie is when I’m so invested in the story that I find myself mentally trying to comfort the characters as if I’m right there with them. When it seems like one of them is going to make the worst possible decision at an emotional low, I find myself pleading them that it doesn’t have to be like this.

With the death of Koro Sensei, I had actually red it in the Manga way back when the volumes were coming out and got all twenty one volumes. With the Anime, I went in warned that the cut content might result in a less resonate product but man... I’m glad it was wrong.

I guess seeing the otherwise wacky octopus being surrounded by his beloved students in what are his final moments felt like a terminal cancer patient knowing his numbers’s up. The slow final roll call let’s it all sink in that this mentor who saw children who were given up on like him and sought to give them every chance they could to overcome.

I honestly didn’t want it to end so soon but here we were. I think I was heaving heavily by the time he was halfway done. Actual tears and chokes like nothing I had even heard before. Maybe it’s because... I’ve been there. I’ve seen older people in my life slowly fade away. My dad. My uncle. I fear that more will flicker out if I don’t reach out to them first.

I feel like too many in fandom and media were keen on embracing the quick, unceremonious character death for the sake of realism(TM). Yes, it can work in some areas but with a character we’ve spent so much time with, we want to make their exit feel like a grand thing. A tribute to how much they meant to us.

Here’s to an goofy-faced octopus that made me sob buckets.

[emawinslow]

soo. review on the son of neptune?

I’ve been thinking about this ask ever since I got it and like. I don’t think I really have a review? like I’ll be honest. there were a Lot of times when I realized I had been zoned out (Very invested in candy crush) for like five minutes and instead of going back and relistening to it I just moved on and figured it probably wasn’t important. which it wasn’t because I think I followed the book just fine. I liked it well enough but that just may be my seattle goggles. they literally rode orion across the puget sound like !!! my main thought is that the book generally just lacked emotion I guess. like there isn’t anything you could do to make me give a fuck about frank and hazel. aside from the whole. um. 13 and 16 thing it’s like I don’t CARE you know. and the whole ordeal with percy getting his memory back was something I was anticipating for the whole book and when we finally got to that point it was so like. okay. I think what made it fall so flat was that we never really got to Feel percy’s eight month or whatever absence because the lost hero followed characters who didn’t even know him. and from percy’s perspective it should have been Huge to him that he had missed such a large chunk of his life but he was like. okay not Super casual about it but MY percy would have been losing his shit trying to get back to all his pals and shitting his pants excited when that ship or whatever started to land. his little reunion with tyson was also so :/ and I’m a tyson GIRL. as for characters I think ovtavian is really silly and I hope he continues to stay somewhat relevant. frank is so boring to me sorry I dont care he’s a little silly but boring and the fucker is constantly throwing himself a pity party like dude shut UP. also. I shan’t say it again you already know. reyna seems cool but we don’t know much about her yet and I know we will but I’m excited for that. ella the harpy slayed idc every time she showed back up I cheered that’s not a joke. HAZEL horse girl of the century I love her sm. I’m still at the stage with her where I’m just rotating her around in my head give me a couple business days. hazel related thought but how are sammy and leo the same person. like they didn’t even say he looked really similar they said he was the same person. like is this important at all. like who cares? was it done for shock value? are identical twins involved? all I know is that my friend leo “bust a lugnut” valdez certainly didn’t grow up in the 1930s and 40s. overall this book was fine but they literally visited seattle and nico seems like he may actually become plot relevant soon. aside from raising hazel from the dead. one final note I lied when I said I followed the book fine I have quite literally no clue how camp jupiter operates every time they talked about some sort of hierarchal or structural thing in relation to the camp I was like fucking what are you talking about. actually I lied THIS is the final note. there are WAY too many goddamn characters to follow like rick I’m sorry but if you introduce a single new character or monster or villain or whatever I won’t be able to handle it. I’m sure if I was a greek mythology girlie I would be having a much better time with this but I’m not so I don’t know what the fuck any of the monsters are and I have to google image search them every time.

[spyder27]

I am what YOU made ME (A commentary about Sundagio)

Hello, everyone.

So, I'm going to say this right off the bat. This blog will be slightly different than the others I've done. It will be more emotional and perhaps too open for some readers. Regardless, I wanted to talk a bit about why I took on the role of the Emperor of Sundagio.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I was in my freshman-sophomore year of my undergraduate degree in university. I am still in uni right now, but it was different back then. At the time, I had a couple of friends and a significant other, but not many people in my life. I was constantly drained from school and I didn't have much energy when it came to my hobbies. Most of my free time went to doing nothing but watching useless YouTube videos or playing mind-numbing video games. All the while, I got more and more depressed.

You could say it was a dark spiral. Nothing seemed to stop it and as much as I tried to be happy and spend time with my loved ones, it didn't work. It was hard to keep up contact with my friends since I had no motivation to actually message someone or make plans. I just had this never-ending sense of doom when it came to the future and it felt like nothing was worth it in the end. Nothing I did was productive. Even school seemed like a temporary productivity and it didn't really matter much to me personally other than giving me more of a chance to get a job in the future. I could only really put on a smile and act happy with the ones I cared about because I knew it would only hurt them to know I had no intrinsic value in myself or the life I was leading. In fact, I kept thinking "When will it be over?" wishing that life would stop being so hard or cease all together.

Growing up, I had a lot of expectations from those around me to excel. I had a 4.0 GPA and I still have a 3.98 GPA. But keeping that up constantly while worrying that you might be seen as a failure for anything below an A was draining. The only escape I had was ignoring it by doing useless things like watching YouTube. Or I could have called with friends. But since they hardly ever had time, it was usually the things I called useless before. I was so worried about the future and my prospects of meeting new people and having a happy life that I just dug myself further into this depression, making me do poorly on assignments and almost failing a semester of university as a result.

One day, my best friend at that time actually challenged me to write a fanfiction off of an anime series we were both watching. We would both write a fanfic based off of ships we hadn't shipped before and to be honest, I was nervous since I hadn't written much in the last five to six years. But I gave it a shot and I enjoyed it a bit.

But it wasn't enough to make me feel happy.

I wanted something that I felt more invested in since this anime series was something I liked, but didn't LOVE. So, I stopped writing again. But I remembered how it was a bit fun while I did it and I thought about writing something more in line with something I loved. Something I would feel invested in. I had a lot of choices. Spider-Man. Marvel. DC. Star Wars. Left 4 Dead. Barbie. Disney properties. Street Fighter. All of these were viable contenders for what would be my next writing project. Nothing big. Just a small story with more... personal storylines. Something slice-of-life.

I ended up choosing My Little Pony since I've grown up with it ever since MLP Generation 1. My sister had DVDs of MLP from that era and I still remember it fondly. I was fully prepared to start writing a project and abandon it shortly after due to my depression at that point. I mean, I seriously had no direction in life and felt like I was a failure. So, abandoning a project wasn't out of the realm of possibility.

So, I wanted to make a short, slice-of-life story about MLP and I decided to set it in Equestria Girls. Being a hopeless romantic, I knew I would probably write a romance story. The only thing left to do was decide what ship to write about. I wanted to challenge myself to write something... different. Something I had never thought of before. What was a ship I didn't think twice about before?

Then it hit me. Sunset Shimmer was a REALLY popular character. I remember as soon as Adagio was introduced, she was shipped with Sunset HARD by a small part of the fandom. When I was younger, I didn't even like the ship. So, I decided that this story would be about Sundagio. A ship I hadn't thought about in YEARS. I was actually excited in something for the first time in a couple of years. I was excited to try and think of how I would write this story. "It's going to be five chapters long," I told myself constantly. I told myself that it would ONLY feature the two of them and no one else from Equestria Girls. In October, I actually wrote the prologue of the story, trying my damned best to inhabit Adagio's evil attitude while showing Sunset coming back to give her old foe advice.

And then... I didn't write anymore until December. That semester was hard on me and honestly, I wasn't sure if I was still living at that point. If I was, I don't think I wanted to. Regardless, winter break gave me more time to think about writing. I finally came back to it and I could NOT stop writing for DAYS. Actual days... I kept writing. More and more words flowed from my fingers and I couldn't stop thinking about what to put in the next chapter. I incorporated Apple Bloom and Rainbow Dash. Five chapters increased to eight, twelve and eventually sixteen. Before I knew it, it was February and I had completed the story, still thirsty for more. Craving more.

I finally felt productive... I felt like I was doing something worthwhile and I loved every second of it. Uni didn't seem like a problem anymore as long as I had this story to write. Ideas swirled in my head for sequels, alternate universes and spinoffs, all centered on Sundagio. This ship that I had spent so long engaging with through fanart and writing my own fanfiction. It felt different. Life felt different. I was happy. I felt like I could be who I wanted to be. I could express myself how I wanted and I didn't have to be trapped to what society said I should be. I didn't watch YouTube nearly as much as before other than to listen to music while I wrote.

Writing made me feel comfortable with who I am. It made me realize that I'm not a failure. I'm not some useless person. Instead, I had the potential to bring dozens of people happiness by showing them the Sundagio stories I thought of. So, I kept writing. I made more stories. I participated in competitions and I embraced the moniker "Emperor of Sundagio" since I seemed to be one of the only people writing it at the time. There has never been a piece of media that has affected me this much before and it let me be happy about myself. It let me be happy about where I was going in uni, happy about my choices in life. In no way do I think it's my destiny to write Sundagio for decades to come, but it helped me out of a dark place and I definitely want to write it for more years to come.

So, to quote Kenobi.

Sundagio: What have you become? Spyder27: I am what YOU made ME.

Don't feel bad for me~ I do feel much better about my direction in life and I've made many new friends recently! I have a direction and purpose and I no longer feel that dread that the future is going to doom me. I just wanted to share what made this ship so special to me and why I love it so much~ How it helped me get back on the right track~