#to deny the self and to deny yourself the chance to have actual complex experiences can be the bane of life itself if that makes sense

[identityflawed]

feels to me like the primary division between pro and anti jedi sentiments is narrative perception. pro jedi individuals tend to adhere to the ideas that are explicitly stated by lucas himself or very clearly put out and acknowledged within the fictional universe, whereas anti jedi individuals tend to lean more into analysis of the in-betweens. they both apply real-world morals and experiences to a fictional plane (and despite its various nonfiction influences, star wars IS fictional), and they do it in such excess that it makes the majority of more level-headed fans less eager to interact in such a heated fandom.

are the jedi bad? no. the majority of them were good people doing good things, even while the sith corrupted the galaxy around them. did the jedi deserve order 66? no. anyone who says that is insane. are the jedi completely blameless in the events of the clone wars? no. they became complacent in the idea that the sith were warriors and were incapable of changing their ways in order to win, despite victory being a key part of their code. the jedi are not paragons of perfection — they are human, and humans can be ignorant. did the jedi cause anakin to fall? yes, in part. while palpatine was the primary driving force towards anakin’s destruction, the jedi’s ignorance towards both anakin’s trauma AND his burgeoning relationship with palpatine did contribute to the rise of darth vader. (i know they let palpatine and anakin interact because they were concerned that denying palpatine would cause problems in the future, though this is sourced from legends. i take that and raise you one: what kind of grandmaster uses a 10 year old as a political game piece? and even in lucas’ canon, you can’t ignore that yoda, who is said by palpatine to be about equal in his strength, failed to sense that there were sinister things afoot, and failed to discern that having anakin spy on his pseudo father figure — and yes, his manipulator — would only cause problems)

as a fan of palpatine i can say wholeheartedly that the majority of the events leading to anakin’s fall are his doing, and that palpatine is not much of a tragic character at all. if you want someone to talk about where the dark side is your CHOICE, look no further than palpatine. thats called being self aware. any pro or anti jedi who believes you can’t blame someone for something they cant control — such as anakin's past or palpatine deceiving the jedi — becomes inherently hypocritical because CONTROL is a key theme in star wars. control of your emotions, control of yourself, control of others, on political, emotional, psychological scales. anakin’s lack of control in his life was not aided by the jedi, and when he finally got the chance to choose for himself, he fucked up. bad. and it WAS his choice, at the end of the day, though the odds were stacked against him, at least in his mind. (which is another issue — anakin is a traumatized individual. trauma victims are going to act differently than what adheres to common sense and logic. an ex-slave with attachment issues and a savior complex is going to freak out if he thinks the woman he loves is going to die if he can’t save her)

people tend to forget that lucas actually SOLD his rights to the franchise away, and nowhere in the contract did disney promise to adhere to the nuances (and there are very few nuances with lucas, unfortunately) of lucasfilm's initial six movies. george lucas was not even a good writer by most standards. he inserted a lot of racist stereotypes into his films, and drew from history in both thoughtful and moronic ways. he was a product of his time, sure, and he created an incredible idea that has gone strong for 40 years, with a solid idea woven within it of compassion and hope. but it isn’t his story anymore, and he cared more about the money than the message, at the end of the day. i have a hard time agreeing with anyone — on any topic, within star wars or otherwise — if they only listen to one person as their end-all.

yes, lucas created star wars. but its not a perfect creation — it is flawed. the jedi are flawed; anakin is flawed. the progression of star wars will continue to take new views on the events of the initial six films, and guess what? that happens with EVERYTHING in the world. perspectives differ by the hour, everyone has different experiences and ideas. if you want to watch something where the morals and central ideas never change, where everything is black and white, go watch the USA's two-party debates. or maybe coco melon.

star wars is complex and nuanced at its core, nowadays, but you are none the lesser if you have differing opinions. you can believe what you want to believe, when you want to believe it. that’s freedom. you are not required to accept everything that disney puts out as canon or even remotely accurate, but the MOMENT you start to put down people (and im talking full on insulting, targeting writers, specific blog posts, bullying, etc) for thinking differently than you is the moment you have gone too far. after all, what did the sith do, and why did they do it?

[biarritzzz]

Rewatching Little Women 2019 remake because it's the right period for it and watching some interviews with Greta Gerwig and the cast, I'm struck try the absolute refusal of straight women to acknowledge that a woman whose creation/work they enjoyed was actually a lesbian. In this instance: Louisa May Alcott.

Greta Gerwig is obviously talented, educated and intelligent. She must know this yet she states over and over that Louisa May Alcott never married and never had kids. Yeah. BECAUSE SHE WAS A LESBIAN.

The word lesbian never passes her lips. A supposedly feminist film, directed by a woman, with a cast comprised of mostly women. Yet saying lesbian is still taboo. 

Sespursongles said it best and I will quote her:

“But of course there are also lots of very talented lesbian writers, the problem being then that no one acknowledges them as lesbians, because lesbophobia — or they don’t want to be recognised as “lesbian writers” as it might kill their career. The “lesbian lit is crap” belief doesn’t hold when we know that many gifted artists and writers in history were lesbians, but 1) you can’t point it out because all nonlesbians would start obsessively dissecting their lives to prove het attraction, and 2) of course they couldn’t apply their gift to writing about lesbians (or themselves) because then they would never have become literary figures; only bihet people are allowed to write about their experience. This might have created in some cases a kind of catch-22 where the talented lesbian writers who knew they had a chance of making it big didn’t write about lesbian stuff because that might have killed their chances, while the less-gifted writers who knew they weren’t likely to become great literary figures were the ones who wrote lesbian stuff since they weren’t afraid of having something bigger to lose.”

In this case, there’s the added bonus that Jo is clearly Louisa May Alcott herself (self-insert) and if LMA had had her say, Jo would have remained a spinster (aka a lesbian) but a lot of straight women identify with her character because she is the most interesting, complex and frankly cool character in the book. Nobody is identifying with boring Meg who only wants to get married and pop babies, that’s for sure. 

So admitting that Jo is lesbian-coded would mean for straight women that they can longer project themselves onto/identify with Jo. Because god forbid they would identify with a lesbian. 

No way. 

This reminds me of the shitshow that occurred a few years ago with the movie Ammonite and how FURIOUS straight feminists were that Mary Anning had been turned into a lesbian. The horror. Granted, we don’t know whether Mary Anning was a lesbian. The fact is, she never married. 

Which was het feminists’ entire reasoning: why don’t we let her be single! why can’t women be single! Why does romance always have to be pushed on women! blablabla

Meltdown ensues.

Hum. Funny you’re all saying that when you never choose that life for yourself. You know: the single, childfree life. Funny you’re now super invested that a woman who is considered to be the first paleontologist and who never married should apparently remain single because she is being portrayed as a lesbian in one movie that you will never watch anyway. 

It’s almost funny how they can’t hide their prejudice and lesbophobia when it’s clear that the default for them should be heterosexuality and what bothered them so much was the lesbian representation. 

So let’s recap: Louisa May Alcott: Lesbian

Marguerite Yourcenar: Lesbian

Vivian Maier: Lesbian

Louise Michel: Lesbian

Anne Lister: Lesbian (hard to deny, this one)

[sydmarch]

@ascendent sorry to tag i was writing too much to fit in the replies lmao but i found that review very interesting bcus we do come to a similar conclusion on this topic but i'm not sure how much esther & i actually do agree. (although i totally agree w the point about a lot of moments where they hit you over the head with stuff that should be obvious if you're smart/paying any amount of attention. that was my biggest gripe w the substance & the kind of thing i generally am really annoyed by in movies)

i think imo i don't find "it isn't immediately clear what exactly elisabeth is getting out of this arrangement" to be a negative but something that makes the movie & characters more complex in a way that i enjoy, and i don't find the unclear messaging around elisabeth & sue being both one person and two people with distinct & often conflicting motivations to be a negative either.

the more i've been thinking on it i feel like the switch not having as much of an obvious benefit as it initially seems makes the whole thing more tragic in a way i really like. spending a week running around in a sexy young body & then spending the week in your own body just killing time until you can go back makes a lot of sense in a straightforward way & it's easy to see why elisabeth would continue doing that even when there start being immediate downsides. from a certain point of view it makes sense to consider it worth the risks & consequences. but imo it's sooo much darker & more fucked up to imagine doing so much to get SO little. assuming there is some minimal amount of shared memory between them but not a full "i get to live a week in this body" experiential shift with the switch it's like. someone else is out there living your life for you as a 'better' sexier younger you, while you spend your week comatose maybe getting a few glimpses of that experience at best. & you hate yourself SO much that that's still preferable to just being you. you spend your week rotting in front of the tv counting down the time until you can go back to barely existing. and even when it's so little & it's destroying you physically when offered the chance to stop you can't do it & keep going! idk i just think it's much more layered that way.

& both of them being separate while still connected & the same felt like it was meant to be about having conflicting parts of yourself being at war with each other, & a kind of duality of selfhood and distancing from yourself that was really compelling. i think it's a really common thing most people do to deny the parts of themselves they don't like as "not really me" but you can't ever truly escape yourself even when the parts of that self are in conflict & there's parts of that self you hate & don't understand, they're still you, & i feel like all the reminders of "there is no she only you" while they're obviously fairly distinct is playing on that kind of idea.

I'm curious what other people think about (spoilers for the substance) there being a shared continuity between elisabeth & sue / them having shared memories of each other's time? i had initially been interpreting it as yes there's some kind of continuity between them but it's fuzzy & they don't share 100% of memories or anything but then the bit where elisabeth is watching sue's interview on the tv made me think maybe I was wrong bcus they seemed much more separate in that moment than I'd been taking them as.

& my partner had assumed the whole time they had totally separate continuities & there weren't any memories shared between the two which does make sense with that interview scene & also the waking up and seeming surprised by the bottles / food scraps.

I find it hard to imagine tho that elisabeth would want to continue doing it after the first time if she didn't retain or experience anything from being sue? or it's just even more sad of a mindset than how sad I was already imagining it to be since she'd basically just not exist anymore at that point considering she doesn't seem to do much with her time as herself. anyways yeah I'm curious what other people thought about this topic

[floraltypes]

Old Beginning Pt. 2

pairings - aaron hotchner x reader, jethro gibbs x reader

chapters - one 

summary - the news of a dinner party arrises, but there are some little challenges before the actually night

wc - 3k

an - sorry this took awhile, my summer is over and my writing schedule will be a little wonky now. i’m taking a break from answering requests, so I apologize if I haven’t answered yours, but i eventually will

Penelope and you both looked back at Aaron, taken back by his repeating of the word ‘boyfriend’. You didn’t plan on telling people so soon, considering he was your boss from your old line of work.

“I want to know everything about him, you have to invite him!” Penelope quickly went back into her loud chatting, attracting other faces at her comment. “I also may have mentioned to some of the team that you do have a boyfriend, it just slipped! You know I can’t keep secrets!”

“It’s okay, Pene,” You smiled softly. “I can’t invite him though, you know, since I’m not the one holding the dinner event.”

“You can invite your partner, everyone else can as well, considering it is a catch up,” Dave walked over, a cup of coffee in his own hand as he used the other to scratch at his stubble. “I’ll even invite the woman I’ve been seeing. Feel free to all bring a plus one, I have enough room and everyone deserves a taste of my Italian dishes, will change their lives.”

“Thank you, Rossi, but I simply can’t. It’s so soon, and he’s such a busy man,” You laughed, waving your hand. “It was a kind gesture though.”

“L/n, don’t tell us you’re embarrassed to show your new boyfriend to us?” Derek walked back over, poking your shoulder. “Penelope told all of us down here, just wanted to wait and see when you would tell us.”

“I’m not embarrassed, that’s absurd. He’s truly busy.”

“Invite him, I’ll make sure Will comes and hire a babysitter for Henry, so that we can truly have a adult night,” JJ chuckled. “Everyone is bringing a date, so it would be odd if you didn’t.”

“Actually, I don’t have a partner at the moment due to how invested I am in my studies and the factors of that many young woman my age only focus on the factor of conventional attractiveness rather then the complexity of brains and deep-”

“Don’t worry, Spencer, if you don’t have a date, then I’ll just bring two,” Emily joked. “You don’t need a date, I’m not bringing one either, but Y/n is for sure.”

“I’ll be like the tw-”

“You are dating someone, we aren’t, so you’ll bring that someone. Come on, L/n,” Emily continued on, grabbing your hand and pulling you away. “I’ll walk you out,” She turned back to wink at her coworkers, leading you to the elevator and soon the parking lot.

“Aaron,” Rossi looked towards his friend, a man who had his glare fixated on your exiting figure. “Will you bring Beth, the more the merrier.”

“Yeah, I suppose I will,” He answered, retrieving his cellphone from his pocket, pulling up her contact picture, thumb hovering over the call button. “Let’s finish up this work, so we call all get home.” He shoved it back in his pocket, commanding everyone else while moving back up the stairs to his office.

Meanwhile, you were outside of your car, looking at Emily still was right by your side.

“Bring your boyfriend,” She commented, watching as you fished for your keys and unlocked your car. “I want to meet him, I haven’t really talked to you in a long time.”

“We’re both so busy. Him as well.”

“Seriously, Y/n, I’m not gonna ease up on you. I’ve noticed the new tint in your eye, new considering the last time it was severely dulled. It’s amazing to see your real smile again, you closer to your old self despite the past losses. He really has helped you, so I want to meet the man who helped my dear friend so much.”

You contemplated her kind words, getting down to the point that everyone probably was happy to see you again, yourself physically and mentally.

“I’ll call him, see if he can come. Can’t promise anything, his work is very important to him, so if it needs him he’s there.”

Emily smiled widely, leaning over to kiss your cheek before you moved to open the front door and start your car.

“Great, I’m actually bringing someone. Poor Spencer might be the only one.”

“Aaron is as well?”

“Hotch, yeah,” She laughed. “Meet her at some track meet he had, Jack really likes her.”

“That’s good, I’ll see you soon then,” You smiled, shutting the door as Emily watched you back out, waving a small goodbye.

Leaving the facility, while at a stop light, you found your flip phone, finding the contact of Jethro and quickly dialing the number.

“Gibbs,” He answered.

“Hey, are you on a case?”

“No, are you driving?”

“Yes, safely. What are you doing? Building a boat,” You chuckled, imagining him in the basement with the tool and sweaty shirt.

“Yeah. Did you meet up with your old team today?”

“Mhm, all surprised to see me today. It was humorous in a sense. But, Rossi invited me and everyone to a dinner, telling us to bring a partner.”

“Who are you planning on bringing?”

“You.”

“So, we’re being more public with our relationship?”

“Just with the old team, my old team, they don’t have contact with anyone apart of NCIS, or at least not personal only professional.”

“I thought you were going to come and see me, instead of making me drive,” You could almost sense his smile on the other line, a mocking one.

Gibbs would obviously accept the offer, the man truly holding a strong affection for you, a soft spot personally for you, so he would agree to drive the hour or two.

But just because he would, it doesn’t mean he didn’t have to mess around a bit, act like he wouldn’t.

“I know, but then you can see my new apartment. And after this weekend, who knows when we’ll be able to see each other again. Both of our jobs involved sporadic cases that start and end at no specific time, hard to plan around. And, everyone is pressuring me to meet you.”

“I’m already popular, huh?”

“I suppose,” You huffed, rubbing your temple, exhaustion starting to take over you, wanting to get some rest, a calming bath to combat earlier feelings that seemed as if they were creeping up once again.

“I’ll come, don’t worry. Get home safe, call me when you have the address and date.”

“Okay, bye.” You hung up, tossing the phone onto the empty seat as you continued to drive, playing the music from the CD already inserted in your car.

Time leading up to the dinner seemed to fly by, especially considering that it wasn’t much time and you weren’t having to work. You decided to take the free time to get fully settled in, figure out your nerves, make a phone call to your therapist, and even read. Trying to get prepared for all the days that are to come.

Your hair was now being changed from its normal du to a new one, fancier in a sense. Applying a nice coat of makeup, new lip color, trying a new pallet and the old eyelash curler that hasn’t been used in a while, you finished ‘upgrading’ your face. A outfit was simple, considering you didn’t have many fancy ones, so with not much to choose, it was a quick decision.

Sliding that on and fixing the straps to be a bit tighter, messing with the bra to fit correctly, and pulling it down a bit, you grabbed your go to purse, shoving needed materials a into it as you moved to the kitchen.

Within the kitchen, there was a certain door within the wall of the pantry with a password. Quickly typing in the combination the door swung open, choosing between a small but handy knife, you put in the pocket of your bag.

You weren’t too worried about dangers at the dinner, but with years of catching/fighting murders, specific people after you, and even very powerful assassins, you carried certain weapons for safety.

Hearing the sturdy knock of someone’s knuckles on your front door, you rushed to shut the the secret door in the pantry, heading to your front door where someone was waiting.

A quick peak through the hole, your eyes widened in surprise and opened the door, allowing the man to walk in.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you, till uh, later tonight,” You mentioned, looking him up and down to see him more dressed up. “Are you not able to attend anymore?”

“No, I’m still going,” Hotch denied, sliding off his shoes and following you to the couch. “I just wanted to chat before than, a chance for just the two of us.”

“Is something wrong?” You walked over to your teapot, filling it with water, and placing it on your stove, heating up the water. “This is very unexpected.”

“Nothing is wrong. I just want to talk to you, see the apartment, hear what’s new with you.”

“Things,” You shrugged. “Obviously I’ve had a new job experience, similar in ways and also not. Grew closer with a new group of teammates, people, lost a few. Yeah, lost a few,” You repeated, remembering Jenny Shepard, even Kate, both amazing women, who did amazing things.

“That’s always hard, I guess my most recent loss was Haley,” Aaron hummed, soon the kettle making a high pitched noise, you rushing to take it off and grab some tea bags.

“She was also a amazing woman. Wonderful mother, cared so much for that little boy.”

“She really was.”

“Did you come to chat about her, it’s been a while since we had. Last time we really talked was five months after she passed, after the funeral.”

“It really has been that long?” Aaron questioned, taking the tea that you time handed him. “But it’s not the reason I came. I should have made more of a effort to keep in touch, after your transfer, after your loss.”

“You stayed with me for three months, allowing to lose some time with your son so you could change my dirty sheets and pick up all my snotty tissues,” You laughed, sitting down across from him with your own cup. “You had to get back to your family, make up for loss time.”

“You still helped me with my divorce during that time, and I still saw Jack,” He reminded you.

“I could’ve moved in with my father, but you allowed me not to do that.”

“Your father is a good man, but might not be the best to live with,” He laughed, a deep chuckle, something you didn’t see much. “You look nice.”

“Now you just notice,” You chuckle, taking another sip. “Thank you, you look nice as well. I was actually just going to call Jethro and tell him to meet me there, a bit of a drive and he isn’t happy about having to find a new team,” You spoke freely, feeling comfortable with the old friend, one you used to spill everything to years ago, him ranting to you too.

“Jethro? He has his own team? Sounds like a boss of some type.”

“Uh, technically. It’s complicated. I need to get going, to make it to the dinner on time and, finish, um, cleaning up my room before leaving.”

“I could take you there.”

“No thanks, I’ll see you there, bye.” You helped guide him to the door, a curt wave before he exited and shut it, locking it in a rush and moving back to the dining room table to clean the mugs.

You didn’t want to tell him all that, always insecure due to Gibbs being the prior boss of you and how people looked at that. Rumors were always spread about your and Aaron’s relationship, mostly about it being romantic.

Joining the team, you two easily hit it off due to your personalities. Always being filled with determination and stubbornness, refusing to give up till everything was done and right, even with files. Eventually you joined together, talked, spent most days with each other due to cases, and truly gained a very close friendship.

When rumors were getting around, glares were thrown your way, comments, left out by members who weren’t your immediate teams. People thought you were the cause of Haley and Aaron’s divorce, somehow word got around quickly, drama always does.

It was frustrating, already dealing with many different things at home, and even being in a relationship, it put so much unneeded stress and anxiety onto you.

So, getting into a relationship with Gibbs was a very reluctant thing on your part, he expressed his feelings first, but it was hard to accept them, despite the nerves he faced to do it.

Locking up the apartment, having all of your items with you, you made your way out the door and too your car, starting the drive to David’s house.

Upon arriving, you could hear light chatter in the home, lights on, and soothing music playing in the background. It sounded like everyone was having their fun, you couldn’t make out all the shadows of everyone indoors, just waiting outside for Jethro to arrive.

“Y/n?” You turned around at the sound of his voice, keys jingling in his hands as he walked up to you with a sly smile, shoving them in his pockets to place his arms around your waist. “What’s wrong, love?” Be snaked them around, a kiss to your somewhat clothed shoulder.

“Nothing, just a bit nervous to introduce you to everyone,” You smiled back at him, he squeezed a little tighter, catching your lips in a quick kiss. “Looking at your team, yet?”

“Nevermind that,” He grumbled, removing his hands to now interlace your left one with his right. “We should go in, right?”

“Maybe we could head back, to my place, say you are sick or something?” You looked back at him with a pleading look, to which he just chuckled at, starting to move to the front door, pressing the doorbell as you groaned a little.

“You’ll be fine,” He looked back at you as Rossi answered the door, cheerful smile on his lips, glass of scotch in hand as he moved out of the way to let you in.

“Ah! Y/n!” He cheered, leaning over to kiss your cheek and then pulled back. “Glad you made it! This must be…”

“Y/n! Oh where is the man?” Penelope rushed in, coming right by you with her own fruity drink, then leaning to whisper in your ear. “Is this him, oo!”

“Uh, Jethro that’s David,” You pointed to the man who first greeted you, him and Jethro shaking hands. “This is Penelope, the one kind of like Abby,” You smiled, as she gave you a little look, turning back and enveloping him in a little hug. She quickly turned back to you.

“He looks a little intimidating,” She whispered as you just laughed.

“For sure,” You nodded.

“Can I offer you a drink?” David turned to you two, gesturing to the one in his hand. “Something like Garcia for you Y/n, and what about you Jethro?”

“Just call me Gibbs, and yeah that’s fine,” He corrected Rossi, taking your hand as the two of you walked more inside of the magnificent house.

It truly was so well designed, very expensive, and the appetizers adorning the oak wood table looked very delicious. You wanted to go and grab a bite, before you were actually led to the living room where everyone was currently sitting.

“L/n, finally made it,” Derek laughed, beer in his hand as he pointed at you with a little chuckle. “You always know how to be a bit late.”

“Fashionably late, I believe that’s what it’s called,” JJ corrected them with her own wine glass in hand, Will sat right besides her on one of the couch as most of them in that room joined in laughter.

“What can I say?” You laughed, walking over, feeling less nervous with the factor of introducing your boyfriend, taking a seat on another couch in the large room, Jethro automatically sitting right besides you.

“So, introduce us,” Emily motioned over to Jethro, sly smile playing on her lips.

“This is Jethro, but he goes by Gibbs, and, uh, this is the team,” You started to name everyone off while pointing to them, leaving off a few names due to your members introducing their own partners to you.

Emily, Derek, and JJ had all brought partners. Spencer and Penelope decided to ‘go together’ as if they were partners, and Hotch hadn’t arrived yet. Rossi also had his girlfriend helping him cook in the kitchen, making drinks for you and Gibbs now.

“So, you work at NCIS, right?” Spencer questioned. “The Naval Criminal Investigative Service, very interesting considering the type of crimes you investigate. I would love to hear more about some of your cases and how you went about it,” Spencer smiled, a small notebook being pulled out of his pocket with a pen.

“Yeah,” Gibbs just nodded, looking at you a little questioning, which you just chuckled at.

“Why should we talk so much about work, it’s something we all do too much of,” You joked, everyone laughing, as Dave came back out, handing some drinks.

“Fine, fine, what do you do for fun Mr. Gibbs?” Derek asked, putting a arm over the couch and pulling his girl closer to his side, the woman just on her phone.

“I like to build boats, a type of hobbie I’ve been doing for years.”

“Building boats? Where?” Will wondered, intertwining his fingers with JJ.

“My basement, a private workspace.”

“How do you get it out then?” Penelope inquired, now back by Spencer and her face in her hand, leaning closer to show her interest in Gibbs statement.

“I’d be no fun if you knew that,” He shrugged, taking a drink with a small smile as Penelope gasped, Emily mouthing how ‘I like him’. It was sweet how everything was going well.

They all continued to converse with Gibbs, easily accepting him apart of the conversation, it was sweet and you were now on your second drink, practically all nerves gone.

“Sorry we’re late,” A voice mentioned in the hallway, dressed in a fine suit with a beautiful woman standing besides him. He shrugged off the last of his coat as he hung it up, taking her hand and walking into the hallway a little.

“This is such a nice place, Aaron. Oh! Your friend, wow, so grand,” The woman admired, now truly getting in your line of sight.

“Yeah,” He mumbled, eyes interlocking with yours before falling onto Gibbs. “I’m Aaron, call me Hotch.”

“I’m Gibbs,” Your boyfriend stood up, moving over to the other man with his hand stuck out. “Call me that.”

You had a feeling this evening wouldn’t be as smooth as you hoped.

——————

taglist - @wolviesbabes @hotch-meeeeeuppppp

(comment to be added, or a tag list for all my gibbs post)

[retrievablememories]

the weekend | jaehyun (m)

title: the weekend pairing: jaehyun x black makeup artist!reader genre: fluff, smut request: “I love the Jaehyun x Stylist scenario can there be a part 2 where it’s like steamy and they are dating in secret with that Noona ana younger guy vibe???👀👀💞💞💞💓” and “Hiya this is the anon asking for a part 2 of Jaehyun and the makeup artist a first date with a little smut thrown in if you are feeling it. Whatever you come up with I'll read and more than likely love it💖💖💖😘😘😘” word count: 4k warnings: car sex, public sex, doggystyle, dirty talk, oral sex (female receiving), fingering, unprotected sex—don’t try at home 🔞 a/n: this is the sequel to style. i think it’s been more than a month since this request was sent in, y’all can throw sticks and stones at me now 💀 this fic is “set” after the release of final round, but let’s pretend it’s actually like november rather than july/august

Even though you and Jaehyun have been together for a few months now, today marks your first date.

All of your “dates” so far have consisted of video chats, phone calls, and text messages—and the occasional sexting session, of course. There’s no denying that you love talking to Jaehyun and hearing his voice over the phone, but you haven’t been able to do much else other than that, which could wear anybody thin.

Whenever you work with him on set, you have to play the part of makeup artist Noona who does nothing more than joke playfully with her client and treat him like a silly younger brother. It’s cute and fun for a while—you are grateful for the time to be around him, no matter how it comes—but you can’t pretend like you don’t want more. Maybe not the full experience of “going public,” but at least being able to be boyfriend and girlfriend around the other staff without it being a huge deal.

Jaehyun, in all his sneakiness, has managed to wrangle you into a supply closet or abandoned practice room a time or two, but there has never been time for anything other than a few stolen kisses. Between your endless assignments for NCT and other SM groups and his comeback activities, you’ve been operating on borrowed time.

But with promotions for The Final Round being long over and your schedule having finally slowed down, now is the time.

At this point, there’s so much tension built up between you that you’re almost afraid either one of you will spontaneously combust if you stay in the same space for long enough. The other boys have noticed and tease Jaehyun about it; even Jungwoo has snitched to you that Jaehyun has moaned your name in his sleep more than a few times.

Even though you’re going out today as an actual couple, you both still have to wear disguises. Lowkey, you’ve never really seen the point of these things; fans can always spot their favorite idols from miles away, but it’s probably better to be safe than sorry. You don’t really know what to expect, but you’re anticipating the date either way, excited to finally get together outside of work.

Jaehyun comes to pick you up that afternoon, and you look out the window to confirm his appearance when he texts you he’s outside. When you go to meet him, your nerves are alight.

You chuck your hat into your lap and pull your mask down when you get inside the car. “Ugh, I don’t like wearing that shit on my head. How are yo—” You’re interrupted when Jaehyun leans over the center console and kisses you full on the lips. For a second you laugh against his mouth at his eagerness, but you let yourself succumb to the kiss.

When he pulls away, it’s clearly reluctant, but he looks at you with his face pink and an overly eager grin on his face. “Sorry, we probably shouldn’t do that out there…” He glances around the apartment complex, but no one is there but you two, and his face betrays the lack of regret he actually feels.

“I don’t mind,” you say, trying to play it cool, though you’re feeling quite the opposite. You’re way too taken in with his dimples and his cute and playful demeanor, and it’s moments like these that make you realize that, despite being his makeup artist, you much prefer his bare face to any of the work you’ve done.

Jaehyun pulls out of the parking lot and you settle into the seat. “Aren’t you glad we finally get to hang out like a normal couple?” His excitement is almost palpable as he taps his fingers on the steering wheel to an erratic rhythm.

“Of course! As normal as it can be when you’re dating an idol, I guess,” you say with a hint of amusement, gesturing to your disguises. Jaehyun sighs a little at that.

“You might not believe me, but I still feel really lucky that you chose me, you know,” he says. “I mean...you could just date someone who you don’t have to go through all this extra shit for, someone you could see regularly, and I’m sure it’d be easier, but…”

“Don’t say that. I don’t care about that, Jaehyun; if I wanted that, I’d have it. This is different for me, but I don’t regret any of this.” You grab his free hand that’s resting on the console and slip your fingers between his. “You don’t have to be self-conscious about it or anything.”

Jaehyun squeezes your fingers between his and gives you a smile in return.

You and Jaehyun go to a restaurant he’s talked about before, claiming it serves some of the best pork belly in the area. It’s a little fancier than you expected it to be, and you would’ve dressed up more if you knew, but Jaehyun insists that what you’re both wearing is fine. It’s not like anyone one else will be judging you, anyway; the restaurant has a private dining room, which he reserved so you’d have some privacy while you eat.

“You really went all out, huh?” you say, giving him a sly look after you both sit down.

“Why not? You only get one first date. Got to make a good impression,” he says, putting his chin in his hand.

“We’re already together, I don’t think there’s much chance of me rejecting you at this point.” You laugh. “But you know I appreciate the effort.”

Jaehyun grips your hand, running his thumb over your knuckles and smiling softly. “Anything for you.”

You and Jaehyun talk as you wait for your food to come, filling each other in on all the things you didn’t get to say over the phone or simply forgot about until now. Even though you talk or text over the phone at every opportunity, you’re a little surprised to find there’s still so much to discuss in person.

“It’d be nice to have a vacation...like, a real getaway. Two weeks. A month. Not just a few days off from recording or filming or whatever the hell they decide to have us do that week,” Jaehyun says wistfully once you eventually land on the subject of your jobs.

“Where would you go if you had that time off?” you ask, clasping your hands together as you anticipate his answer.

He shrugs. “Anywhere is fine, I don’t have a real preference...as long as you’ll come with me, of course.”

“Maybe the stars will align and our schedules will allow it someday,” you say, though you aren’t optimistic that it’ll happen any time soon. You already know a new round of SM comebacks is coming soon, which means you’ll be busier than ever. You don’t work with every group or idol, but just 1 or 2 comebacks means dozens of promotional appearances, which you’ll need to be on hand for.

“If that happens, we could go to the beach...” Jaehyun spins his fork around in his hand as he thinks.

“The beach is very ambitious.” You giggle, though it’s half-hearted. “There are way too many people there. People who could recognize you.”

Jaehyun has that face again, which tells you he wants to say but I don’t really care who finds out, but you assume he’s not actually that reckless. Maybe. “It wouldn’t be impossible,” he says slowly, “if it was nighttime. Or a beach people don’t go to often. Or a private beach.”

“Maybe,” you say thoughtfully, tracing your finger across the tablecloth. You’re both talking about it like it’s some far-off thing, but you can already see the wheels turning in his mind, and somehow you feel this beach trip might come sooner than you think.

Much sooner, actually.

After you leave the restaurant, Jaehyun makes good on his idea and actually takes you to the beach; the closest one is a little over an hour away from Seoul. It’s a last-minute thing, and you’re both exhilarated and anxious at the same time. You pester him with questions about the other people who’ll inevitably be at the beach, although that doesn’t do much to dampen your enthusiasm; taking this trip just means more time with him. And God knows you both need these hours together however you can get them.

“It’s almost winter,” he insists. “Hardly anyone will even be out there to see us. And if there are some people, we can just keep our disguises on.”

“Yes, almost winter, which means it’ll be freezing cold, too.” You shake your head at his smirk, and you know he’s thinking he’s just had the most genius idea ever. You wrap your arms around yourself at the thought of the temperature outside.

“If you get cold, just stay next to me. I’ll keep you warm,” Jaehyun says this like he’s just made some heroic declaration, and you look at him for a few seconds before you both burst into laughter.

“Here you go with the kdrama lines again.” You roll your eyes, leaning against the window as you watch other cars speed past on the highway. “I’ll be waiting for your acting debut, Mr. Jung.”

“Promise you won’t get jealous if I do?”

“Please! There’s no reason to be jealous,” you reply coolly. “I’m the one who gets to have you all to myself, after all.”

When you get to the beach, it’s about as empty as Jaehyun predicted it would be, to your surprise. There are a few stragglers here and there, but they’re too far off from where you are to worry about. You’re decidedly less nervous once you see this, and you let him tug your hand and pull you onto the sand like a thrilled kid.

“This is pretty,” you admit as you watch the waves crash against the shore. There’s nothing but sand and water for miles—enough to lose yourself in. You hold your hat closer to your head as a sudden strong breeze threatens to carry it off.

You and Jaehyun walk along the sand, and you make him walk on the inside closest to the water because you don’t want the cold tide splashing you as it rushes in. He doesn’t care nearly as much as you do about it, which makes you shake your head in amusement. He even takes his shoes off at one point.

“You’ll catch a cold out here,” you say, raising an eyebrow at his bare feet in the water.

“I’ll be fine,” he insists. “Even if I get sick, I’ll get to have you as my sexy nurse, so I’m not complaining.”

“You’ve got a lot of balls! Who said I’d be your nurse? You’d probably make me wear one of those goofy ass nurse costumes straight out of a porno.” You snort at the idea of that, though secretly, you don’t hate it.

“Don’t tempt me.”

You turn your head away from him, holding back your giggles but mostly so you can resist the urge to jump him then and there. “You’re so immature sometimes.”

“You still love it, though.” Before you can respond to that, Jaehyun leans closer to you and plants another wet kiss on your lips. You stumble in the sand a bit, but he slips his arm around your waist to steady you and press your body closer to his.

You quickly lose yourself in the kiss, focusing on nothing but Jaehyun’s lips on yours and the thunderous sound of the waves crashing against the shore. Jaehyun lowers his inhibitions as he deepens the embrace, his hands sliding to your ass.

“Your ass is so soft,” he groans, gripping the soft flesh and pushing his hips into you. You can already feel that he’s hard and straining against his pants.

“Horny bastard,” you giggle against his lips, though you could probably say the same for yourself, unable to part from his mouth for even a whole second. Your tongues slide together, and one of Jaehyun’s hands shifts from your ass to travel underneath your sweater. You don’t want to, but you manage to pry yourself away from him. “Maybe we should go back to the car. I know it’s hardly anyone out here, but I ain’t tryna get arrested…”

Jaehyun sighs, planting a few more kisses on your neck and collarbone. “Do we have to?” You try not to throw your reasoning to the wind as you stroke his hair and bring his face back up to be level with yours.

“Do you plan on fucking here? Because you’ll be washing sand out of your ass for days.”

“Well, when you put it like that...guess you’re right. Let’s go, then.” He finally steps away from you, only to hook his arms under your legs and sweep you off your feet, carrying you back to the car.

“You never quit!” You cling to his arms as if you’re afraid he’ll drop you as he walks you back to the car, with you kicking your feet and laughing the whole time. When he finally sets you down, your shoes touching the gravel of the parking lot, he unlocks the back door and you both slip into the backseat of the car.

Jaehyun shuts the door behind you both, finally closing you off from the cold. He leans over the console to put the key in the ignition and turn the heat on, and you take the opportunity to smack his butt while he’s up. He sits back with a fake shocked expression on his face, and then he tries to grab your arm and twist your body around so he can do the same to you.

You cry out and try to shield your butt from him, but he lands a smack hard enough to sting, and you punch him in the arm. “Ow! I didn’t do it that hard to you!” You two end up playfighting in the back of his car, both your hats flying off in the tumble as you push your hands against his chest in an attempt to stop him from tickling you to death.

You end up lying on your back with Jaehyun hovering over you, his warm breaths hitting your face as he laughs. He pulls his mask off fully so you can see his face, and you do the same.

Jaehyun tilts your chin up and kisses you, his other hand on the hem of your sweater as if he can’t decide if he wants to pull it up or go underneath it. He eventually settles on the former when he tugs it upwards to rest above your breasts, his lips never parting from yours the entire time. With this new access, he gropes your tits, kneading the flesh softly and pressing his thumbs into your nipples through the fabric of your bra.

You push your chest closer into his hands, relishing his gentle but firm touches on your body, and he presses forward more to slide his tongue past your lips, exploring the warm confines of your mouth. In turn, your hands go underneath his sweater and shirt, diving under the fabric and caressing his firm abs.

“Your hands are cold,” he smiles against your lips, sucking the lower one into his mouth after speaking.

“Because you brought me to a beach in the middle of November,” you reply, pressing your fingers deeper into his skin and absorbing his body heat. Your hands drift higher and ghost across his nipples, making them harden in response to your touch.

Jaehyun’s lips move to your neck again, biting at your pulse point and leaving soothing kisses in their wake, although he doesn’t spend much more time there before burying his face into your cleavage.

“No more low-cut tops for me,” you say breathlessly as he practically devours you and leaves marks behind on your skin. You wish to do the same to him, but that would only raise questions from the other stylists and the managers, who you’re not interested in doing battle with. Jaehyun answers that by pulling your bra cups down and sucking your nipple past his lips, swirling his tongue around the tip in a way that makes your legs tremble.

You move down towards the waistband of his pants and unzip them, pushing your hand into his underwear and gripping his dick. It twitches in your grasp, and his breath comes out hitched as you squeeze and stroke him as best you can while his jeans are still on.

“Fuck,” he says as he sits back, separating you from him and undoing your jeans. He pulls your pants off, and you help him shimmy them down in the small space of the car. Your underwear comes off soon after, discarded under one of the seats. You’re already wet enough to be glistening, and Jaehyun decides to take a taste of it, maneuvering you both so he can bury his mouth between your thighs.

You whimper quietly as he licks into you and pulls your clit into his mouth, curving his fingers inside you just like he said he would in all those nasty messages you sent to each other. Your mind and body are electrified with how good it feels, your hips pushing up to be closer to his mouth as he indulges in you, making a mess of his face.

Before you can come, though, Jaehyun pulls away from you, which makes you curse. You reach for him, though he’s quicker than you and shies away from your grasp. “Get back here before I kick your ass.”

Jaehyun pushes his pants and underwear further down, revealing his hard dick to you. “I’ve got somethin’ better for you. Get on your hands and knees for me.”

More shuffling ensues as you balance yourself on your hands and knees on the backseat of the car, Jaehyun settling in behind you. “This ain’t very comfortable.” It’s not the worst thing in the world, but there are definitely better places to fuck than inside a cramped vehicle.

“Sorry, babe. I promise the next time we have sex will be on a feather-lined King-sized bed, but until then…” The tip of Jaehyun’s dick slides across your ass and then through your pussy lips, nudging at your entrance. He teases you by pushing it in and then taking it back out, and you quickly grow tired of his games, wanting him to fuck you for real.

“Haven’t we both waited long enough?” You wiggle your ass against him and try to back up so he’ll slip inside, but he holds your hips in place and continues rutting against you like it’s the only thing he wants to do.

Finally, he acquiesces and slides inside of you, and you both gasp into the heated air of the car at this raw contact. Your fingernails make little imprints in the fabric of the seat as you hang onto the material, letting a shuddering breath pass through your lips. Jaehyun is hard and thick inside you and stretches you out nicely around him, filling that space inside of you that needed to be satisfied.

Your head hangs low as he begins thrusting into you, a little slowly at first and then more steadily as he gains a good rhythm. You keep your moans to a minimum, afraid to alert anyone outside to your presence in the car—even though they would most definitely see you before they hear you. Jaehyun isn’t having that, though, as one of his hands sneaks around to your front to stroke your clit; the added sensation makes you push back against him harder, wanting him as close as possible.

“Why are you hiding those pretty sounds, Noona?” he asks teasingly. “You told me all those times over the phone how you wanted to moan for me...why aren’t you doing it now?” He rocks his hips into you a little differently, rubbing against your spot, and you can’t help the groan of pleasure that slips out after that motion. You press your sweaty forehead against the seat, trying to gather breath. You never thought of yourself as being someone who gets off on honorifics, but in this context, it’s doing something to you.

“We’re in the middle of a parking lot, if you didn’t notice,” you say through gritted teeth, trying to keep your voice low and steady as he keeps sliding against that spot, the soft slap of your bodies being the loudest sound in the car.

“A nearly empty parking lot at night,” Jaehyun retorts, pressing his fingers more firmly against your clit. His hand slides lower to where you’re connected, and he uses your wetness to help him circle his fingers more smoothly. You can only roll your eyes; he has a response for every argument you try to bring up. You can’t be bothered with that, though, as your mind gets increasingly hazy from how he continues fucking into you without a single worry.

Your attempts to stay quiet become more difficult as Jaehyun’s pace increases, like he’s purposely trying to overwhelm you with stimulation. The one hand that was still holding your hip comes to your front like the other, though he reaches up higher so he can grasp one of your breasts, pinching at your nipple.

“Fuck, baby,” Jaehyun grunts, pushing into you hard enough to make you yelp. “We waited too long for this. Should’ve just fucked you in the practice room.” A moan slips out at that, even though you try to hide it, and of course Jaehyun doesn’t miss it. “Do you like the thought of that? Want the whole group to see you taking my dick? Little exhibitionist.”

You can’t deny how your pussy throbs at the idea, even if you won’t say it to him. Not that you would need to; he can probably feel it. “That’s y-you! Th-this was your idea, pervert.”  

“Stop acting like you don’t love this dick.” It’s getting to the point where you can feel yourself climbing that summit towards your climax, yet you still need that extra push to get you to the top. If there’s anyone else in the parking lot right now, it’s already too obvious what you’re doing inside the car, so allow yourself to forget about trying to be inconspicuous and freely push back on Jaehyun’s dick, whining at how deep it reaches inside you.

More sweat gathers on your skin, and you’re sure the windows must be steamed up by now.

“Hope you’re gonna soak me,” Jaehyun says, pressing himself closer to your body so he’s draped across your back. The hand he was using to fondle your tits darts to your lower body, and he wraps his arm around your hips so he can hold you in place as he hammers into you. This move pushes you off the edge you’d been clinging to, and you scratch the seat’s material and moan loudly as your walls clench around him and draw him further into your willing body, trying to milk him for his own release.

“God, Jaehyun, please fuck me, please, yes.” You chant this incomprehensibly, uncaring that he’s already fucking you—you’re still going to ask him for more. You haven’t felt this blissed-out in a while. Jaehyun keeps pushing into you after the first orgasm and pulls another gush of pleasure out of you as he searches for his own end.

It finally comes with him hurriedly pulling out of you to spill his cum on your ass, stroking his length to get every last drop out. He groans deeply as he expresses his pleasure, and his sounds make you clench around nothing, wishing he’d come inside you instead.

Jaehyun wipes his cum off you as you slump against the seat and regain your breath, feeling more content than you have in months after finally unwinding that ball of tension within you. Jaehyun seems to feel the same way he keeps covering you with kisses even as you try to pull your clothes back on, satisfaction coloring his features.

“Look, if you want round 2, you’re gonna have to take me to an actual bed.” You playfully wave away his advances, but not before giving him one last long kiss.

“Say no more.” You both climb back to the front of the car and Jaehyun easily pulls out of the parking lot in search of a nearby hotel, readying yourselves for a long night.ahead.

[dimimagines]

No one asked for this, but I really wanted to write something like this, so I did! Hope you all enjoy!~

Seeing my future with you (Dimitri x Reader)

He didn’t expect this to happen, it was all so sudden. One moment, he was in the Blue Lions classroom with Annette, as he had volunteered to help her with a spell she wanted to try out, the next moment he had vanished off to gods knows where. He looked around taking in his surroundings, before realizing where he was; he was back at the castle in Fhirdiad. He was home. Well, that wasn’t so bad, he thought. Not the most ideal situation, but no more than a slight inconvenience. He’d be able to explain what happened to someone and he’d be back at the monastery in no time, though he’s sure that people at the monastery were panicking about his whereabouts at the moment. He did feel a little guilty, knowing that he’d miss having tea with you later as he had promised earlier in the day. But you were a sweet, kind and understanding person, he knew you’d simply laugh it off and forgive him.

At least, he thought everything was that simple. He heard heavy footsteps behind him, as an familiar yet unfamiliar voice called out to him, “Who are you?. Turning around to answer, he looked at the person who had asked him in shock; the same reaction reflected on the other persons- no, his own face. He could at the very least recognize that the person in front of him was none other than himself; a taller, bulkier, eyepatched version of himself. He was curious as to where the eyepatch had come from, but that was not his priority at the moment. He was more concerned about how this had happened.

His older-self finished processing the situation, before letting out a small chuckle, “Let me guess; you were helping Annette with a spell, but suddenly you’ve teleported somewhere, you thought you were home, but upon seeing me you’ve realized you’re in the future, correct?” The younger Dimitri could only nod in response. He supposed that it made sense that the future him understood what was going on; he must have experienced this for himself in the past as well.

“Follow me, we should discuss your current situation in a better place than a hallway.” Without waiting for a response, the king turned around and started walking away. The prince let out a sigh and followed the king, having no other choice. This situation certainly got a whole lot more complex.

The king had led his younger self out to the garden, sending a maid to fetch the two of them some tea. The younger Dimitri looked around, the garden looked more lively compared to how it usually had; well-kept and vibrant. The spot they were sitting in currently was a new addition too; he could not recall such a quiet and peaceful corner in the garden previously existing.

The king did not speak, he just sat there, observing his younger self, a smile on his lips. He recalled how in the past, during the academy days, he told himself he had no future to truly look forward to; the reason why he had attended the monastery to begin with was to hopefully find information on who caused the tragedy of Duscur. How things have changed since then. He had experienced the lowest of lows and the highest of highs in the past decade alone. There were many things he wanted to tell himself; and yet he knew he could not tell it all. Lessons are better learnt when experienced for themselves. He could however, try to give himself a nudge, and show that he did have a future to look forward to; no matter how hard things would be getting for him.

The tea had arrived, along with a tray of a couple of sweets.

“Sweets? I appreciate them but… we would not be able to taste them anyways, isn’t this a bit of a waste?” The young prince asked, taking a sip of the chamomile tea that was offered.

“You wouldn’t be able to taste them, no. As for me… I’ve started gaining my sense of taste back. My taste buds are still dull to most flavours, but my wifes baking is one of the few things I have the pleasure of being able to taste.” He explained, reaching to take a bite of a fruit tart.

“I see, so your wife must have made these then. Wait… Your… your wife?” The young Dimitri gave him a look of disbelief, he couldn’t have heard that correctly, could he have? He... He had a wife in the future. One that he clearly loved, judging by the smile on the king's face as he took a bite of the fruit tart.

“Yes, my wife. She’s also the queen, as I’m sure you’ve figured out.” He explained, taking great pleasure in the expressions his younger self was making. He’s never been the greatest at showing how he felt on his face, but in genuine moments like this, everything showed, and it was very amusing.

“Who… who is your wife?” Dimitri found himself asking, amazed that he, of all people, managed to settle down and get married. His older self didn’t look that old either, did he manage to achieve his ambitions of revenge for the dead so quickly? This was unexpected information for the prince.

Just as that question was asked, the two could hear light footsteps coming towards them, and a feminine voice called out, “Dimitri my love, are you here? The maids said I could find you here so I- ah…” She trailed off, looking at the pair, stunned to see the younger man wearing the academy uniform.

He couldn’t believe his eyes. It was you. An older version of you, who looked absolutely beautiful and radiant. Dimitri, of course, had been in denial about his feelings towards you for a while now; telling himself that you deserved someone better, someone who actually had a future. But no matter how often he denied it, the thoughts of ‘what if’ always crossed his mind. To see that his future self was married to you made his heart pound.

The king chuckled at the prince's reaction, and held a hand out, gesturing for his wife to come closer, “Come now, my beloved. After all, it is just me here.” He joked, smiling lovingly towards you. You shook your head as a small laugh managed to escape your lips, taking the kings hand, he pulled you closer.

“You… You’re… (y/n)? I… In the future I marry you?” The prince stuttered out, trying to get a hold of himself and put himself back together from this revelation. You gave him a kind smile and nodded, “As you can see for yourself, yes, Dimitri. But I have to ask, why are you here? Judging by your outfit, it looks like you’re still attending the officer’s academy…” you trailed off, your eyes running over his youthful figure with fondness.

“Do you recall that one time I went missing during the academy days, my love?” The older Dimitri asked, looking up at you. Your eyebrows furrowed as you thought for a bit, trying to recall the memory. After a little thinking, you gasped and nodded, “Yes, I remember! That was when Annette made a mistake while trying a spell! Oh, I was so worried about you, I- nevermind, that’s not what’s important right now.” You cleared your throat, blushing a bit.

“If you both wouldn’t mind too terribly, could I… ask some questions about the future?” The younger Dimitri managed to ask, after collecting himself together. He may as well take advantage of the situation and try to learn some things before returning back to his own time, after all.

“You may ask as many questions as you’d like. But we won’t answer everything for you, after all, there are things you need to learn and experience for yourself, no matter how dark they are… No matter how regretful they are...” The older Dimitri spoke up, eyeing his younger self with seriousness.

“No matter how dark they are?” The prince asked, frowning as he heard that. That didn’t sound too positive or hopeful for him. Surely everything couldn’t have ended up so badly, considering what he was seeing in the present moment. Then again he supposed, the man did have an eyepatch on him, and he seemed tougher now, as though he faced many hardships.

“Things are a lot better now. There’s still a lot of work to do, of course but… There were many dark times that had happened before any of this. I’ve gone through hell and back to be where I am today; what you’re seeing right now, is the rainbow after the storm. A terrible, ferocious, and bloody, long storm.” The older man took a deep breath, closing his eye. This was as much as he’d tell him in regard to the war; and the beast he was during it. His biggest and most important life lessons were learnt from those experiences, regardless of how awful they were. But no matter, he would look forward, and he has, since everything had ended. He had become a king for his people, working hard to restore the kingdom from the horrors of war.

“Then how about how… you two… ended up together?” He asked, his cheeks blushing as he looked at the couple. He wondered if this meant that you returned his feelings already in the present day, or if it was something that happened over time after you two graduated. You giggled in response to the flustered boy, it was cute being able to see him like this.

“Dimitri, I think you’ll be happier if you experience our love for yourself, don’t you? The relationship itself didn’t take all too long to get into. There’s a very good chance that the me of your time is already in love with you. But we couldn’t get married right away due to… a series of unfortunate events. Those events will feel long and grueling. But know this; no matter how hard things get, no matter how difficult and hopeless things seem, I will always stand by your side and support you as best as I can. Even when you don’t want me there, I will be. I loved the prince at the academy, and I love the kings’ whose side I stand by today. Nothing will change my unconditional love for you.” You beamed at him happily, looking over at your husband adoringly as he reached up to kiss the back of your hand in satisfaction.

“Thank you. In that case, I swear to do my best to stay by your side in my time. Though, I’m sure those words seem meaningless, since you two already know what happens in the future. You two look very happy together, I look forward to the day when I find myself in your own shoes.” He chuckled and looked over to the older version of himself.

“It’s a shame you only travelled this far in time, otherwise you would have had a chance to see the prince.” The older Dimitri spoke up, a smirk playing on his lips.

“The prince? You two have a child then?” His head tilted a bit to the side in confusion. That didn’t seem right. Sure, they were older, but old enough to have a son who was out of the castle? Unless their son was doing ridiculous and rigorous training methods at the young age of three, he doubted they had a child who was old enough to venture out of the castle walls without them.

“One on the way, actually.” You giggled at his expression, seeing it once again shift to shock, as his eyes slowly looked down at the slight bump that was starting to form on your stomach. “Three months along, almost four.” You explained before resting a single hand on your stomach lovingly. You had remembered the happiness that bore on your husband’s face the day you broke the news to him; finally, a family of your own.

Dimitri couldn’t believe this. All of this. In the future, he has a loving wife who loyally stands by his side and supports him no matter what, and the two of them had a child who was on their way into the world; they were starting their own family. He was touched by all of this newfound information. He never imagined himself having a future like this; having a future with the one he loved- you. It all felt like some foreign, distant dream and yet here he was, witnessing proof of everything that was to come.

“This is… Congratulations, I truly mean that. And thank you. Both of you. I hadn’t anything to look forward to for a long time. All hopes of a happy future like this, have long left me. But seeing you both here today.. Makes me believe I’m allowed to be hopeful. That I do have a future with her, aside from my ambitions. That perhaps I… I am allowed to be with her.” He closed his eyes, warmth filling his soul. It felt nice- his heart felt nice. He felt light, as though a huge weight on him had been lifted off.

The two of you smiled gently at him before the king stood up, “We should probably get you back to your time now, shouldn’t we? You wouldn’t want to keep your future wife waiting for you, after all.” He teased, grinning down at the prince. Dimitri nodded and stood up as well, more than ready to get back to his time. If he was lucky, perhaps he’d get back soon enough to still have some tea with you, and he could confess his feelings to you.

He paused for a second, “Ah but… How am I supposed to get back? Would you two happen to know a spell?” He asked, looking between the two of you.

“I believe I’ve seen a book with a spell in it in the library. Let’s go there, I’m sure we’ll have you back in no time.” You spoke, before walking out of the gardens and towards the library. Both men nodded at each other before following you. The three of you browsed around, looking for any spell books that may have been of help. After several minutes of searching they both heard a triumphant “aha” from you.

You stepped in front of him, flashing him a kind smile once more, as you got ready to cast the spell.

“It was nice seeing you like this once again, Dimitri. It really made me remember our academy days together. Being with you, spending time with you during those days… Even if we were just training together or studying, it made me extremely happy. And being with the you of this time? Makes me even happier.” Your eyes watered, thinking of the long, hard path it took to end up where you were today; yet, you would change nothing, if it meant being where you are now. You wouldn’t give your husband and your soon-to-be son up for anything in the world. The older Dimitri gently held your back encouragingly, before looking back to his past self.

“The past isn’t everything, you must remember to look forward. I hope that being here today, has taught you that. And… Please take care of her, at all times.” The king admonished him.

The prince nodded as you casted the spell, he slowly started to fade out of the future, but before he disappeared completely, you both heard him call out, “Thank you for everything, I’ll cherish this memory”. And with that, the young Dimitri was transported back to his own time. You leaned on your husband’s shoulder, still staring at the spot the prince previously occupied.

“You know, I really was taken back in time, seeing you like that. Back then I thought you were handsome, but now I think you looked cute.” You joked.

“I did look different, didn’t I? He’s a little naive; he certainly has a lot of learning to do before he gets here. But you know there is one thing that never changed with time; how I felt about you. Back then, it was just some schoolboy crush. Now? I love you with everything that I am. You truly did stay true to your own words and stood by me all this time.” He leaned his forehead against your own, bringing you into a gentle kiss, his arms pulling you closer to him.

You slowly pulled away from the kiss, responding to him, “I will always be here for you, my love. I meant it before, I meant it in our wedding vows, and I mean it now. And you know, it looks like your past self did at the very least listen to your words- even when we couldn’t get to you back then, you still protected me on the battlefield. Though, back then you claimed it was because I was a valuable ally.” He nodded and held you close once more, enjoying the small proximity between the two of you.

After a minute of holding you in silence, he finally pulled away, before remembering; “Oh, but that does remind me of two questions I meant to ask you. The first one being about how you said you were worried about me when I time travelled back then. What did you do that you were so embarrassed to admit?” He questioned, his curiosity getting the best of him.

Your face flushed as you laughed nervously, “Oh, that? I… To be honest with you, I was about to tear that monastery down looking for you. I was so worried that something terrible had happened to you. I was a real mess, panicking the way I did.” You laughed, remembering your own reaction when Annette had told you what she had accidentally done.

He chuckled and shook his head, “It’s a good thing I came back when I did then- otherwise the monastery would have been destroyed a lot sooner and I wouldn’t have had the chance to date you. That aside though, why were you looking for me earlier?”

“Oh, that? I was actually just wondering if you wanted to have some tea with me as a break since you’ve been working so hard lately. Though, I suppose there’s no need to ask that anymore, since you already had tea with your younger self” You answered, providing a small pout over the lack of tea time with your husband.

“There’s no need to make that face, my beloved. For you, I’m more than willing to have tea a second time. Come now, my love. Let’s go back to the gardens.” His eye sparkled with merriment as he held his arm out for you to take. You nodded happily and took his arm, both of you making your way to enjoy some tea and quality time together, discussing things of the past and the future to come.

Back at Garreg Mach, years into the past, Dimitri warped back to where he previously was, stumbling upon his landing. He looked around and let out a sigh of relief. It seemed like the spell worked! He was back in his own time, exactly where he had left it- in the Blue lions classroom. He brushed himself off before leaving the classroom, looking around to find you.

“Guys look! He’s over there, he’s back!” A voice shouted, as his classmates started to run up to him. You bolted up to him before the rest of the group and pulled him into a hug, “You’re safe! You’re back- I was so worried about you, Dimitri. I’m so relieved to see you here once again, it’s been hours since you’ve gone missing.” He smiled in reassurance and gently patted your back in comfort. You pulled away from his embrace as the rest of the group caught up, and stepped back from him, allowing him some space.

Before he could say anything to you, the rest of your classmates pulled up, looking worse for wear and out of breath. They had been searching endlessly for him for the past couple of hours just as you had, and were just starting to lose hope when he appeared before them all.

Annette spoke up first, “I’m so sorry your highness! I had no idea that the spell would teleport you somewhere! Are you alright?” She asked, guilt being expressed all over her face as she bowed to him.

He shook his head and smiled at her, “I’m alright, as you can see. Thankfully you didn’t teleport me anywhere dangerous.” He explained, reassuring everyone of his well-being.

“Where did you end up teleporting to?” Ashe asked, wondering where in the world the prince previously was.

“Ah I was… Just somewhere familiar. Really familiar. Close to the castle in Fhirdiad. I met a couple who was kind enough to help me out and send me back here.” He wore a smile on his face, thinking back to his future self and you.

“The boar is back, I’m going back to training.” Felix spoke up, with a tsk. He walked away with Sylvain and Ingrid following him, the former telling him to stop being so uptight with training, to relax a bit for once and the latter scolding him for being so cold with a childhood friend.

Annette bowed to him once again saying some more apologies for her mistake, before leaving with Mercedes to indulge in some sweets after the stress she had been through.

The professor expressed relief over his return before leaving to go inform the church. Thankfully, no knights would need to be dispatched to find Dimitri, and the conflict was resolved before word got out into the kingdom.

“I’m glad to see you safe, your highness.” Dedue spoke up quietly, relieved of his liege’s return. He bowed himself before making his way to the greenhouse, he was on gardening duty tonight, and although he had many questions about his highness’s whereabouts, they would have to wait until later. Ashe followed Dedue to help him with his task, and to keep him good company.

Dimitri chuckled at the antics of his own house before looking up at the sky. It was getting quite late in the day. He hasn’t realized how much time had passed himself, being caught up in all of the time travelling and questions he had. It was all well worth it though, if only to see how happy you two had ended up together.

He looked over at you once again, offering his arm out to you, “It may be later than the original time we had set, but would you still care to get that cup of tea with me?” He asked, a warm smile gracing his lips, as his eyes looked into your own affectionately. You beamed up at him and took his arm, starting to walk with him to have some tea together.

“Of course Dimitri, I’d love nothing more than that. Chamomile tea, as usual right?” You asked with a giggle, as he nodded in response.

“Chamomile tea. There’s something really important I wanted to tell you today over tea, actually- ah, but I’ll save that for when we’re actually at the table.”

[bi-dazai]

honestly i think i have a weird anger or cultural confusion where other gay and trans ppl are like much happier and comfortable to come out and shit and be open, but I've always had an extremely complicated relationship with it because it's always made me feel so isolated and lonely, even with other gay ppl around. and younger ppl especially will like go around coming out so frequently and meanwhile if I'm going to even tell you that I'm attracted to women I have to trust you 110% and that isn't something that comes easy.

I'm terrified of like. Wearing even rainbow goddamn socks because I'm scared shitless of getting bullied, or harassed, or even assaulted. Which is ironic considering I try to be quite fashionable in public but with being openly bi (let alone being openly TRANS) it's a complete no-no.

Like I think as much as I love being bi and nb at the same time I still despise it, I still think it's ruined my life. I have gender dysphoria about my chest whereas if I was cis I would be so happy with how feminine my body is. My first ever relationship with another girl at the moment being cut short by abusive homophobia fucked me up in innumerous ways, leading me to like...severe issues with the way i feel about sex and emotional attachment and touch.

And ofc there's the homophobia, like at this moment I'm probably leaning towards getting a fuckbuddy or smth over tinder but like a romantic relationship with another person is terrifying, like I'm insanely private w relationships even w men, I won't let us hold hands if I think too many people might see bc i have this stupid complex

There's more and more but my relationship with being Out is one where it's something that I simultaneously desire and despise, being Out is one of the most terrifying concepts I can think of and to me having someone refer to me as "they" and not as a woman is simply not as important as being safe, as not living in even more fear of assault.

And then all around me ppl my age (although usually younger) are all coming out to anyone and everyone like it's just casual, saying their pronouns like it's nothing. And first it's disbelief and shock because holy fuck, has everyone gone fucking mad?? Are we all so fucking stupid that we just forget the everloving fear homophobia strikes into you?? And then it's the jealousy, that these people have this comfortable relationship with their own gay/transness and enough trust to actually open up and tell a room full of strangers "please call me they not she". It's disappointment and anger in myself that almost 7 years after forcing myself to whisper "I'm bisexual" to the bathroom mirror in the middle of the night and then cry my eyes out because it felt like I'd been cursed, and probably over a decade since I'd started having sexual feelings about all genders, and an entire lifetime of having feelings for men women and others, after so long I'm still just a coward who sits and hates it all, who fears it all.

But then recently I've come to the realisation that the way I realised I was gay was a way that's kind of...dying out. That being the mostly offline way.

Don't take this the wrong way but I've found a lot of people go online and find this overwhelming amount of support and representation for gay and trans identity. You can argue validly this statement, but the context I use this in is comparing it to like. 2013. People were way less online. Being an online celebrity was a novelty.

At school there were dyke, faggot, tranny, etc, thrown around as if they were confetti. Jokes about "lesbos" and "lesbihonest" humiliated any girl who was too close to another girl. I grew up not just in Brisbane Queensland but in a town that was connected to the mainland only by two bridges - a landbridge and a humanmade bridge. The school was overwhelmingly anglo. Overwhelmingly right wing.

I realised I was bi with minimal help from Tumblr. I realised I was bi because I fell, hard, for my best friend. And then she liked me back, and our relationship was amazing. But the school found out. We held hands under the table, we found a quiet moment to kiss and everyone pointed and stared. We made out in the shadow of a building and turned to find twenty people watching gawkeyed, pointing, fascinated.

The entire time her mum was abusive, and massively homophobic. She blamed me for turning her daughter gay. She forced us multiple times to break up at the threat of violence. Eventually we did. We never talked about it. Our friendship never returned like it used to. It was awkward, tinged with sadness, regret, yearning and young love cut short.

It was traumatic, to say the least.

Tumblr in 2014, despite the cringe screenshots, wasn't actually mostly about LGBT positivity or whatever. I first saw the term bisexual on, if you can believe me, a quotev story in 2011 about a cheerleader and an emo girl who get together in a secret relationship. You were either gay or straight, or you had an exception. Bisexual felt right, though, for me, felt accurate, was accurate.

It was years of confusion and secrecy and guilt, peeks at other girls in the changing room that I couldn't help and I didn't understand why. Then it was months and months of anger and frustration at myself that I was feeling this way and confused about myself, and then when I said those words it felt like I was being torn apart. It felt like my life had fallen apart. I cried every goddamn night, I felt awful all the time.

At school the kids noticed. They noticed before I started dating my friend, they noticed the way I looked at her and they interrogated me about it. I'd claim up and down I had a crush on another boy - true perhaps, but it was a passing interest - and then they said they told him and analysed how I reacted. And then the interrogations continued for months because the gay girl was entertainment for them. Around me, as I walked between classes, had lunch, walked home, dyke dyke dyke faggot hahaha.

And then the relationship happened and then leelah alcorn happened and I learned what a trans person is. And sometime when I was fifteen I saw nonbinary begin to pop up, terms like genderfluid and nonbinary and they rang true like bisexual did, but the last time I went down a rabbit hole like that it ended in trauma, and another person got hurt. I didn't throw homophobia at her, but I felt and still feel responsible for it. I didn't turn her gay, but I made it obvious. I don't quite know how to say it.

I knew I was nonbinary, deep down. One day I decided to add that to my tumblr bio. Nobody gave a shit, just like nobody gave a shit when I said I was bi. But that was because I wasn't open about it even online. I couldn't talk about that stuff or I'd curse myself.

Time went on, I got more comfortable, collected fresh new traumas. My brother came out as trans. Around me, friends came out as gay and trans. But they kept coming out. They didn't stop at close friends and trusted family, they told teachers, their entire class. I didn't understand. Why the fuck would you put yourself at risk like that?? And I still don't. I said it was jealousy and anger at myself before, and maybe it is still a little bit, but now, it's just concern.

As I said, the way I realised I was gay is the rather old fashioned way - offline, through trauma, and almost entirely unenjoyable and traumatic. A lot of kids still go through that for sure. But the ones I see telling everyone over that they're gay or trans are, in my experience, not those ones. As the internet began to become more of a general use thing and less of a "only recluse weirdos" space, the online LGBT safe space began to expand into an audience bigger than before. Online, you were safe. Nobody knew your name, you were behind a screen. Homophobia was veiled, you could just delete a hateful anon, could just log off. You could put up your pronouns and people would use them because, well, ppl didn't really have any other identifier someone might use for your gender. So this positive uplifting atmosphere spawned for the most part. And instead of learning through confusion and rare chance encounters with random words and crying into the sink every night that you're gay, you much easier come across this content that tells you indepth what this is and that it's okay. And you think, well wow, that's me, and then...you know, I guess. Not denying there's some of the classic self hatred etc but...you have this safe space online to fall back on, and I cannot emphasise how much that has pushed the acceptance and widespread knowledge of lgbt people in the past 5 years. I didn't exactly have that space, and my realisation was through mostly real life channels, which were swamped at all sides by homophobia, at worst, abusive, at kindest, it would treat you like a sideshow attraction.

Being someone who arguably isn't old enough to brush this difference away with being an "older gay" but still having had a gay experience quite different to the majority in my generation (applying this to area as well) I have to say I'm confronted with this comfortableness other days have a lot and it's always jarring. I think also that while it's important and I'm happy that "younger" gays and transes have at least one good support network/space to fall back onto online, I do think it creates this kind of...dangerous other side, especially for those who go to schools that are LGBT positive and have families who are also friendly to that sort of stuff. I find that young gay teens are totally unprepared and unhardened for the fact that most people you run into in real life despise your guts for existing as who you are. And while we can make as many soppy gay narratives as possible about being honest about who you are and losing shame, we need to face the fact and teach young lgbt kids that being Out isn't just something you do as a ritual in being gay or trans, it's a brave thing and it's completely optional. And furthermore, most importantly, it's insanely dangerous.

I don't think that teenage, raw fear of the consequences of even the very concept of being Out has ever left me. Perhaps I have to thank the homophobic 14 yr olds who swamped me in slurs and trauma, because it's given me a survival sense that's kept me closeted so far you'd never get in.

But occasionally I'm tempted, particularly with my transness which I am only out to perhaps 3 people about, to venture into the world of telling people about yourself. I started a new uni semester and in a tutorial, the teacher handed out cards. We were to use it as a placard to write our names on it so the teacher would learn our names over the next few classes. And, if we chose...our pronouns.

I stared at that card for what felt like a million years. This has always been an ordeal. People don't know how to pronounce my name, even though it's a rather simple one. But pronouns? I'd never really told anyone those. Online, yes, and once when I was asked by a friend i was brave enough to say "any will do" but this - this wasn't the curated safe online space, this wasn't a one-time phrase to a friend. This was an open, permanent thing that would sit below me every class, declaring me to 18 other people. I wrote down "NATALYA", then beneath "she/". And then I stared some more. I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I was the biggest fool, because before I could stop myself I wrote "she/they". No "he", not yet. But...it was there.

At the end of the class the teacher collected the placards. I wanted to run back screaming, wanted to ask her for a new card so I could be safe again. But I didn't because I would look like a freak and a coward.

I still think it's stupid. I still think I've put some petty gesture that no one will ever respect (if they can call you she they won't ever call you they) above my own safety. The thing that really struck me was that it didn't feel good. The reason I wrote it like that, I believe in hindsight, is that I was curious what those other kids feel like, because it must feel good to declare that you're a tr*nny d*ke in front of the entire class, good enough to beat the stomach-lurching dread that precedes such an action. But it didn't. It just felt like an unnecessary risk. And it made me feel worse, like there was a target on the back of my head.

I think I could talk about this forever, about how so many kids believe coming out is this thing you're required to do to be a good gay, but it's not. It's stupid stupid reckless, and in my case it ends with you getting fucked over.

But Ive written for ages and gotten prosaic halfway through so I'm gonna shut up. Basically why the fuck do you guys come out to everyone like please stay safe instead of this it isn't worth it.

[hunterinabrowncoat]

Confession and Religious Trauma

I was reading a chapter in Nadia Bolz-Webber’s amazing book ‘Accidental Saints’ the other day, about sin and confession. The idea of Confession with a Capital ‘C’ is pretty foreign to me, having grown up in an Evangelical church. That kind of stuff was far too Catholic, and therefore suspect.

In my tradition, you just say sorry to God in your private prayer time, and it’s all forgiven already anyway because of the Doctrine of Grace means God looks at people who’ve Accepted Jesus As Personal Lord and Saviour and sees Jesus in all his perfection instead.

Pastor Bolz-Webber said some great stuff about sin. Like this:

“In the end, we aren’t punished for our sins so much as we are punished by our sins.

And sin is just the state of human brokenness in which what we say and do causes these sometimes tiny and sometimes monstrous fractures in our earth, in ourselves, in those we love, and sometimes even in our own bodies.”

I like the way she presented sin; not as some stain that dirties us and needs to be washed away, but the state of human brokenness we all inhabit. And in that light, confession stops being about making you feel guilty or reminding yourself how many bad things you’ve done, but rather is about giving you freedom from the guilt that already consumes you and the things that are eating at your conscience. It’s about coming to God, coming to community, and finding healing and restoration from that brokenness through God’s beautiful, raging mercy. It offers release and a chance to experience God’s grace through community and liturgy.

But like much of the Christian liturgy, I really struggle to engage with it. Partly because it’s so foreign to me and just feels a bit... weird. But partly because of religious trauma.

As I’ve spoken briefly about before, in deconstructing my faith and Evangelical upbringing, I’ve become disillusioned with and wanted to distance myself from many of the practices I grew up with. I feel uncomfortable in those spaces now. And in its absence, I desperately long for religious ritual and festivals; for meaningful practice that connects me to my ancestors and my community through collective tradition.

And yet, whenever I am in a Christian space that has liturgy, or that is more traditional, I am just left feeling distinctly uncomfortable, disconnected and out of place. It feels as though this is someone else’s tradition, something I have no connection to.

I haven’t found a solve for this yet, honestly. I just continue to go to church and feel out of place.

And maybe that’s part of why I struggle to engage with confession. But that’s not all it is, because it’s not just alien, it’s deeply uncomfortable and difficult.

I’m not going to pretend that all of my problems with saying sorry are about church and the way I was churched, because I also struggle to say sorry to other people. It’s a pride thing. Even when I feel bad, it’s like the word physically get stuck in my throat. I dislike being vulnerable with other people, and I find actually verbally talking to people about difficult or personal things, like, really hard.

But I also can’t deny the impact that my religious upbringing had on the way I view apologies, especially confession. When I engage with that part of the liturgy, or that practice, when it comes time to confess, I don’t experience absolution or God’s grace or any sense of release. Instead, I am overcome with feelings of toxic shame and guilt and self-hatred that my Evangelical upbringing instilled in me.

I grew up in a tradition that taught the concept of ‘Original Sin’. It told me I am inherently dirty and I was born unclean and I could never do enough to earn God’s favour because I will always fall short. Needless to say, it’s done a number on me.

The concept of Original Sin, as well as the emphasis Evangelicalism puts on sin, particularly things that in the grand scheme of things are often inconsequential like having sexual thoughts about somebody or swearing or feeling perfectly natural human emotions like anger, is incredibly damaging. It makes you feel guilty for enjoying anything. It makes you feel so much shame simply for being a perfectly ordinary human being with normal, human desires and needs and emotions.

People who are much more learned and articulate than me have written extensively about the subject. But needless to say, it caused me a lot of self-hatred, and a lot of guilt and shame that just festers as the sort of background noise to my life.

So much of my deconstruction journey has been letting go of that and learning to experience life without feeling guilty about everything. I’m allowed to enjoy things just because they’re enjoyable. Pleasure isn’t sinful. Who I am - my queerness, my sexuality, my gender - aren’t sinful. Indulgence isn’t sinful. Experiencing emotions aren’t sinful - they’re perfectly normal and healthy, and the important thing is not to deny them but allow myself to experience them, and make sure my actions and responses to them are measured and appropriate.

Then I come to confession, and I feel all of that guilt and shame and self-hatred creeping back in and undoing all of that work.

I was taught, growing up, that not only are we all born inherently sinful and stained, but also that we all sin every day. And when it came to prayer, and we were encouraged to say sorry to God for the bad things we’d done (you know the teaspoon [TSP] prayer - Thank you, Sorry, and Please). There will always be something to say sorry for, and to think otherwise means you’re proud or conceited, because we’re all imperfect and we all do things wrong.

And I don’t think that’s necessarily untrue. We are all imperfect. Even when we don’t fuck up in some big way that plays on our conscience for ages, we all say or do things that are less than kind. There are always situations where we could have shown a little more grace, or had a little more patience, or shown a little more love. None of us are perfect. We do all make mistakes.

But when it comes to confession, I often can’t think of anything to confess. I can’t think of something I’ve done recently that that I need for absolution over. Rarely do I do things and feel really torn up about it later. And if I do, it’s usually because of anxiety and not because I’ve committed some heinous grievance against my fellow humans.

When people tell me I’ve hurt them, I apologise and I try to do better. And... there is the resolution. When I feel I’ve wronged someone, I apologise and I try to do better. And there is the resolution.

To then bring it up again to God during confession feels like pointlessly drudging back up stuff that has already been sorted, for no reason other than to remind me of all the ways that I’m imperfect.

There’s also the issue of course, the eternal Exvangelical Sturggle, of “is the guilt I feel actually a reasonable amount of guilt to feel due to something I’ve genuinely done wrong, or do I just feel a deep sense of shame because it was effectively instilled in me that I am dirty and bad and I’ve learned to feel awful for many things that I don’t believe are wrong at all, like... experiencing human emotions, or seeking pleasure, or saying ‘no’?”

So in the absence of things I actually feel guilty over, I often confess rather vaguely... Sorry for all the times I wasn’t as patient or gracious as I could have been. Sorry for the times I could have got up and done something, but instead was lazy and just didn’t. Sorry for all the ways I’ve fallen short this week. Sorry for all the petitions I didn’t sign or GoFundMes I didn’t donate to that I could have if I didn’t buy that book or that t-shirt. Sorry for being selfish. Sorry for not getting all my work done this week. Sorry for every time I forgot to read my Bible. Sorry for every instance I could have prayed but didn’t.

And it just feels like it quickly becomes “sorry for not being good enough”. Which is a horrible way to think about yourself.

I’ve done so much work to get myself to see that I am enough. To be kind to myself. To forgive myself. To accept that I am not nor will I ever be perfect. That I cannot be everything and give everything and do everything. That I’m a limited human being, and that’s okay.

And confession just makes me feel like I’m undoing all of that work. And honestly? I just don’t know what to do with that.

I don’t know if this is a common experience for people deconstructing their faith and trying to reconstruct some kind of meaningful practice. I don’t know if I need to “fix” this and find a way to engage with confession. I’d like to think that God is big enough to find a way to reach us all, even with our messiness and complexities and all our baggage.

[light-of-being]

On being uncertain if you’re neurodivergent

(I’m kinda responding to this post over here because while i doubt the last addition was derailment, putting this there would definitely be a complete hijack because this is a larger thing I’ve been meaning to write about and that post was more a prompt than a thing I’m directly replying to)

@intpdreamer​ said:

I have to ask. How strongly do you need to relate for this to be a valid thing to ask yourself? I relate much more strongly to how autistic people describe their experience of and interactions with the world than how most nt people do, but I'm scared to presume too much from that for fear of being That Person. But surely some people who relate to a lot of nd traits really do do so because of an undiagnosed neurodivergency? I completely get why the "we're all a bit" conclusion is bad and why being scared of being neurodivergent would be offensive, but how is someone supposed to know if they're "nt downplaying what a trait really means and concluding they have it" vs "actually neurodivergent but undiagnosed relating to the trait because they do have it"?

General prelude: this is apparently a controversial opinion and probably not representative of the broader ND community. I have only limited expertise, but I do have some. My tl;dr answer to the “how do you know” question at the end is mostly “you likely don’t” with some “i guess that’s what diagnosis is meant for?” and some “make sure you really understand what the trait is about, how pervasive and significant it is, and whether you also have other ones”

How to tell?

I don’t believe neurodivergent vs neurotypical to be a discrete thing. By which I mean, it’s not like there’s some idk structure in some person’s brain and not in another that you can be like, “you’re neurodivergent. you’re not.” Brains are incredibly fkin messy. So, there’s a whole miscellany of differences in like, size of structures or sensitivity or connectivity, each of which is probably continuous...but the combination of them is definitely continuous.

Which is not to say there’s some clear definable “spectrum” from “Maximally Neurotypical” to “Maximally Neurodivergent” (I mean, I guess you could add shit up or something but it’s not really very meaningful). Here’s a representation made by an autistic person:

(full comic)

So, at some point, we pick some sort of threshold to define what is significant aberration for any given trait, and how many traits you gotta have to Have The Condition. How do we decide it? Well, clinically, it goes like “does this thing fuck with your life?” (for how many, we test it out on lots of people and kinda sorta figure whether we think having x amount over- or underdecides people with significant effects; there’s a lot of judgement involved and it’s broadly agreed that there isn’t nearly enough of this done for it to be very accurate -- your clinician is meant to use their judgement on each particular case).

There’s a misconception that this is particular to psychiatric diagnoses, but it’s like, most shit. A person in that thread mentioned diabetes...that’s continuous, too. We picked out a threshold for that, too. The only difference is that there’s things you can quantitavely measure and find out at exactly what point it is that shit starts fucking with your life. (“everybody’s a little X” is still pretty silly and meaningless for both)

What this means is that there’s a lot of people who are in fact clear-cut neurotypical or neurodivergent...but there’s also a bunch of people hovering around the threshold point where it’s just like...??? up to judgement. And if you’ve never been diagnosed, it’s absolutely likely that you may be in any of those 3 groups and it’d be a complex call to make.

There’s a whole raaange of shit recommended for assessment, some of which you can self-administer (I think many of the listed instruments can be found here) if you really want to.

But I think...if you make an effort to understand autism/other neurodivergence and the specific traits you’re thinking of, it’s generally unlikely that you’re "nt downplaying what a trait really means and concluding they have it". That usually comes from people who’ve made no such effort. IF you know an ND person who’s happy to discuss (like, pls don’t expect them to do that), they could probably help confirm/deny whether you’re correctly understanding the trait.

And of course, if you vaguely relate to like, ONE or two traits, it’s probably disingenuous to presume. But if you consistently relate to many/most traits, have made effort to understand what they mean beyond face value, and they’re significant enough to affect your life beyond quirks, you’re probably good. But...

Does it really matter?

The chief purpose of formal diagnosis is treatment, research and resources (e.g. disability benefits). I’d venture that the purposes of informal identification with a diagnosis (or label in general) include understanding, community, communication and resources (e.g. information). I’m not sure which of these (or others) you’re seeking, but understanding and resources are free. I back using whatever frameworks are available to you to help understand yourself better. Asking yourself is 100% your right at all times.

The difficulty only really comes in with the community and communication aspects. So, let’s imagine you go wrong -- you’re actually NT but you read a couple things and decide you’re autistic. You start participating as a member in conversations about autism and telling people you’re autistic. What does that mean? 

So, chances are that if you’re extrapolating from your personal experiences but are actually NT, you’re wrong about a bunch of shit. You’re now creating or reinforcing a bunch of misconceptions about autism to NTs. You’re also trivialising autistic people’s experiences by behaving as though your quirks are a whole thing. This is bad. 

If you made and are continuing to make efforts to listen and understand, you’re probably not doing this too much. And upon considering it, you could probably reduce it further. But maybe it’s better if you don’t do it at all?

It’s my experience that people of the form “I think I might be X” are welcomed in many communities of X if approached sincerely (it’s also been my experience that they’re quite enthusiastic to help you understand because a lot of them also didn’t realise for a very long time and it improved their lives substantially when they did). Also, if you say “I think I might be X” to some random person in your life and proceed to do dumb shit that would’ve spread misconceptions, it’s a lot less likely that this person will go on to say, “this is what X people are like”.

So that’s probably a sensible middle ground where you don’t have to be 100% sure but you can still get (and add!) value from the descriptor.

Bit of a personal comment

So, with me...my psychiatrist suspects I’m autistic, and so did my mother (although she’s clueless and doesn’t count). The hospital diagnosed me with a personality disorder, and strongly suggested bipolar in the terms used in their comments. My psychiatrist has not diagnosed me with bipolar, but is nevertheless treating me with mood stabilisers. She also wanted me to test for epilepsy. I strongly suspect ADHD. Suffice to say, I have no fucking clue what’s actually going on with my brain and it seems neither does anyone else. The only thing we all agree on is there’s definitely something.

So, in the end, I read and apply shit from all sources, and I ID as generic “neurodivergent”.

Diagnoses and labels are very useful tools, but at the end of the day, they’re just that -- tools. And sometimes they can be very stupid and limited. Think things through properly and understand them well; be considerate and don’t impose; and then do what you think is best for you.

[dichenlachmandaily]

Unique in both talent and charisma, Dichen Lachman is one of those women who can seemingly do it all. The mother, wife, actress, and self-appointed house keeper plays Reileen Kawahara a tough-as-nails woman in the hit series “Altered Carbon”. Imagista was lucky enough to catch up with Lachman and get to know this amazing woman a little better.

Imagista: Can you tell me more about your childhood and moving to a different country? Dichen: I think it had a big impact on who I grew up to be. When I lived in Katmandu we lived in an extended family situation, with my aunts and uncles and cousins with my grandfather, in a very small apartment. There was a really strong sense of community, I find in third world countries, the communities are stronger because they have so many more challenges. I always had this desire to be surrounded by people, even in my work.

Moving to Australia was a bit of an isolating experience for me because we left all my family behind. We did not have skype or FaceTime and overseas calling in the 90’s was so expensive. It was a very lonely experience moving in with just my mother and father. Being an only child, I was very lonely and I think it triggered my imagination. That desire to have people around me never went away and there is something about being an actor that creates a strong sense of community around you. If you think about making a T.V show or a movie you spend all day with a ton of people and there is always a strong sense of community and there is the idea that all of you are sharing the same goal creating camaraderie.

Imagista: How did you get involved in the world of acting in the first place, was it kind of a search for a community? Dichen: I feel like I was always searching for something, but I didn’t know what it was. I tried a lot of things that I liked but that didn’t seem to fill the hole inside me. When I discovered acting when I was about 18 or 19, I realized that the community around it, even just in acting class and the intimate way you get to know people was something I loved. The notion of experiencing a creative process with creative people and the idea of transporting yourself to another place or time was all really attractive to me.

In a sense, I feel like I was a late-comer in the process but I do feel like I was always an actor, deep down, I just didn’t realize it until I found the way to apply it in a way that got me excited.

Imagista: You mentioned that you were close to your family, is your acting career something they supported? Dichen: I feel like if I would have initially told them that I wanted to try it, they would not have received it well. Not because they do not have an incredible amount of respect for the profession, they watch more movies than anyone else I know. The reason I think it wouldn’t have been well received was because of the unknown. When you are from a third world country, or one of your parents is, it is a fear, simply of the unknown. If someone wants to become a lawyer or a doctor its simple, you go to school and get good grades, you will graduate and get a good job. Saying I want to be an actor without having any relationship to anyone who has ever done it, it’s impossible to even think about how someone does that.

Acting is like an apprenticeship in a way, you need to just start and slowly gain more knowledge and relationships. Hopefully, if you are lucky and talented and work hard you may be successful but there is no formula for it.

I didn’t tell my parents when I first started taking acting classes because I was scared of their reaction. I told them I was doing public speaking courses, to improve my confidence. Eventually, I sent out photos to try and get an agent, I got an audition and once that happened I told them that I had started acting. I removed a big bubble of unknown of how it happens, I was able to say “ I want to be an actor and I already got an audition.” At least I was able to explain to them how it all worked at that point and it made everything easier for them.

Imagista: Let’s fast-forward to right now, the show Altered Carbon is awesome and you are great in it. Can you tell me a little bit about what this experience has been like? Dichen: It was a long process in terms of actually getting on set. I did a tape in July of 2016 and to be honest I just forgot about it and just sent it off. Three months later I got a call saying they wanted to offer me the job. I didn’t know anything about it, I didn’t read the script because it wasn’t provided, very top secret. I didn’t know about the book or anything I had just done the audition and moved on.

When I got the call I obviously said yes, I went to start reading the book and then they told me to stop reading the book because it was going to be very different.

This was the biggest thing I had ever done in terms of the amount of investment being put into it in terms of the budget. It was very exciting and then getting the script and discovering that the entire story takes place because of my character was a lot of pressure but also very exciting. I had never been the center of the story and although her involvement in the show is a little bit ambiguous you but once you get into the second half you realize how important her character is to the entire plot.

Then the training started and I had never trained in sword fight before. It was very grueling and physical, it’s a great workout by the way for anyone interested. Everything felt like a dream come true. The idea of learning something new in order to play a role always excited me and that was exactly what needed to be done for this part.

Then there was the character who is really complex, probably one of the most complex people in the show, in terms of where she is emotionally in her life, her very long life.  There was a really delicate balance and notes that had to be hit and not too hard all the time. That was a collaboration with myself and the directors and producers. One of the best things that has happened since is when I speak to people who love the show, they tell me that they were rooting for me, which is so rewarding to hear as an actor. When you are looking at it black and white, you can see that my character is the antagonist. I learnt that even in that case, you can make the audience root for you. Even though that character has done horrible things, there is a humanity there, which for me, if I achieve that, I have really done my job.

Imagista: You spoke about your character a lot, do you have any similarities to her? Dichen: I think that everybody, even some of the most horrible people in the world can find common ground with moral ethical people. I never approach a character as the good guy or the bad guy, you just have to approach it as an individual.

There may be one or two things I share with my character. One is her fierce loyalty. Would I ever do what she would do to protect her family, I mean she does some pretty horrible things. However, where it is coming from, I can relate to in terms of the great lengths she would go to in order to protect her family. She is also living in a different world so it is a tricky balance.

To be honest, I don’t have that much in common with her because she is kind of off the charts.

Imagista: It must be fun to play her! Dichen: It was a lot of fun.  A lot of people, when they play someone dark, they have a hard time getting out of it or leaving it behind them. I could understand that but I am grateful I was able to separate myself from the character. I approached the role with the notion of analyzing her relationship with her brother. That is what I held onto the entire time.

Imagista: I know you have been working really hard lately, do you want to share with our readers what you have been up to? Dichen: I just finished a role on a movie called Judy Small with Alicia Silverstone and Rob Corddry. That was exciting because it was a totally different role than anything I had ever done before. I don’t want to give too much away but the work was very different. IT was such a light and eccentric character that is a bit shifty but is not in the Sci-Fi world.

I don’t get to do stuff like that very often, so that was really exciting. It is a comedy also, I love comedy and I want to do more but it is sometimes not the right fit. People do not expect to see me in a comedy but I really do enjoy doing comedy.

Also, Animal Kingdom was an amazing experience. The chance to work with Denis Leary and obviously the entire cast who is incredible was a dream come true!

Imagista: The first time you caught my eye as an actress was actually on Shameless! Dichen: Yes, I was so excited to work on that show because I love it.

When they called me to offer me that small part, they told me I couldn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t tell my agents what I was doing- it was this giant secret. The core cast had no idea that Justin would be back on the show.

They sent everyone home except for a few crew members to film that scene with Justin and I in the car. It was such a great experience to be part of such a phenomenal show.

Imagista: This industry is so crazy and there is so much going on constantly, is there something that helps keep you centered? Dichen: I think previous to my daughter, I would find myself nurturing other people a lot. Actors who needed help with auditions; people who were moving to LA I would help them get started.

I always feel like I make sense when I am helping someone. Now I have a daughter and I am pretty much nurturing her. She is three years old and my focus is her and nurturing her into a human being who is “knock on wood” a good one!

Funny fact, I actually found out I was pregnant on my way to shoot Shameless. I was so nervous because it was a surprise and I just wanted to stay focus on my work.

Being a mom really does keep me grounded but I love it and it’s been great!

Imagista: What advice would you give your daughter that you wish someone would have given you? Dichen: I don’t know if she needs it because right now she seems pretty good in terms of not being self-conscious. I wish someone would have told me not to be self-conscious. Now I am not, after being in this industry and becoming a mom, I am less self-conscious now then I was when I was a teenager. I wish I had been less self-confident then and just enjoyed being me more.

I think women and men can be so hard on themselves about things that don’t matter. I am going to try and teach Matilda that.

My parents taught me everything I know, I am who I am because of them and I don’t think they ever taught me that because they grew up in a different era, one that was less superficial as well as a different community. I feel like our generation is very superficial and we are constantly worried about things that don’t matter.

I hope I could do that for my daughter.

Imagista: Can you share something about yourself that we can’t find about you on google? Dichen: I love cleaning! I don’t have a housekeeper, I clean the entire house on my own…sometimes my husband helps me and other times he doesn’t and his excuse is “you love cleaning.” I find cleaning very relaxing, for me it is clean house, clean mind.

[friendlylocalwhumper]

some thoughts for whumpers writing characters on a team

i don’t know if this is interesting to anyone, but i’ve got some thoughts to share. bear in mind that i have far less experience with this than actual soldiers and verterans.

so before you can join the marines, before you get shipped off to boot camp, you do a couple months of physical training - PT - with other pre-boot camp kids, called Poolees. when I was in high school and planning to join the marines, I did a couple months of PT, and even that short time did a lot to shape who I am. i think the things i experienced and learned are indicative of not only how marines are trained, but also what it’s like to be on a team with people who are, essentially, be placing their lives in your hands.

here’s what a typical PT session was like: twice a week, about 2 hours, no breaks from physical exertion. PT always started with exercises in a circle facing inward. you stand perfectly straight, feet shoulder-width apart, hands clasped behind you. any Poolee can randomly be picked to lead the day’s warm-ups. when you lead a count, you bellow the instructions at the top of your lungs. you call out anyone falling short and order they do double the amount of, say, push-ups. everyone doing the exercises counts off in echo at the top of their lungs in sync. then we would run through the woods (with various requirements yelled at us). if you fail any instruction, you are to yell that you messed up, and everyone is punished with, say, 40 sit-ups. no less than 5 people will collapse or puke on a run - it’s expected that you push yourself until your body gives out, no quitting just because you need a break. if someone collapses, you are to haul them up on your back and carry them, keeping up with the group. on the 240th anniversary of the marines, we did 240 burpees (basically push-up/jumping-jack hybrids), running across a football field and back between each set of 10. 

so, extreme exertion. accountability. carrying the fallen. everyone suffers way more if you fuck up, and there’s no hiding it when you do. feeling tired is no excuse: you don’t quit. you either make it or your body gives out.

if you’re writing a soldier, this is how they think. there is no “I”, no individuality. every action has a consequence, you never stop moving, you never get a chance to think. is your character traumatized, by anything, and they’ve been trained in the armed forces? then they’ll hide it, deny it, press on, get pissed if someone tries and get them hung up on emotions.

not to say they don’t think for themselves - they can be opinionated - but their sense of duty overrides a sense of self.

what’s interesting is that i loved PT. it killed me to quit, i felt like i was losing a world. chanting at the top of your lungs, carrying your fallen companions, giving your all every time, always being watched in case you slip up - you feel like you’re a part of something huge, important. it’s addictive. if your character has been trained as a soldier - and remember, even intelligence agents and desk jockies are trained alongside infantrymen and riflemen - then give them a complex relationship with authority, team dynamics, loyalty, and working hard.

[gamearamamegathons]

Dragon Warrior: And Thus Peace Was Restored

Circe here! Finally, we come to the end of Dragon Warrior. As expected, mostly it took a lot of grinding, and a...decent dose of frustration. But I did it. I delved into the depths of the Dragonlord's fortress where he awaited me for the final battle. The Dragonlord offers to let you rule beside him instead of fighting, but I dutifully refused, and the fight began. The Dragonlord is honestly kind of a dorky-looking wizard, especially in his NES battle sprite where he has tiny little dot eyes. Despite having access to the powerful HURTMORE spell, he goes down like a chump, having 100 HP and taking roughly normal damage from physical attacks. The real battle begins when he transforms into a towering, fire-breathing dragon.

From there, it's really just a battle of attrition. HEALMORE restores almost all your HP, which gives you time to get off one or two attacks before having to heal again. I died the first time around, in part due to trying to hit him with STOPSPELL and HURTMORE, neither of which seem to work on him at all. My first attempt was at level 19, so I decided to grind up to level 20, and on my second go-around, I succeeded, beating the game and restoring peace to the land.

So how does Dragon Warrior for the NES stack up from a modern perspective? Well, it's pretty mixed. I like the game's embrace of simplicity, and I think there's a lot of potential there to look at the design aspects of Dragon Warrior that have been largely left behind. RPGs are generally regarded as somewhat complex and inaccessible games, and huge projects for developers to create. But it doesn't have to be that way. I'm somewhat reminded of Half Minute Hero, which takes almost a microgame approach to RPG mechanics, but I think it's possible to make an entire game that's like that, where it can still be a lot smaller than a typical full-sized RPG, and embraces a smaller scope, both in narrative (like having a single major quest rather than a huge, sprawling multi-part plot) and in mechanics (like building the game around a single character and strategically simpler gameplay).

However, the seams in the game's design start to come apart a little further in, as has been evident from my complaints. For one, the encounter rate is aggrevating. Sometimes it's not so bad, but other times I've had 3 or 4 consecutive encounters that were one or two steps apart each. The game offers you only one quick-travel option in the overworld, to take you to Tantagel Castle, and that's a hard pill to swallow when important locations are scattered all over the game's world. The game also has a mechanic where weak monsters may run away from you, but it refuses to streamline this, quite often requiring you to stop for several seconds to pull up the battle screen so you can look at a slime, then not look at a slime, before closing the battle screen again without having ever offered you a chance to act. The game does offer both a spell and an item to ward off low-level encounters, but it just didn't seem like it was worth it, since the places where I really wanted to avoid enemies was the areas where they were very dangerous.

Speaking of which, another issue is that, in the late game, the game expects you to either grind even more than I did, or wade through many, many encounters that are too powerful for you to really deal with. Combined with the high encounter rate, some of the least fun I had playing this game was stumbling into a dangerous monster, holding my breath while I tried to run away while losing as little HP as possible, then taking two steps and repeating the process all over again. There's no denying it: you have to choose either grinding or adventuring, and both become a slog, where rather than feeling like you're growing more powerful, you feel out of your depth and like you're probably doing something wrong. The game's chosen level cap of 30 probably plays a role here: it forces the devs to space out the levels so that you feel like you're barely getting a trickle of rewards for spending your time getting stronger. And that's for people like me who actually enjoy this kind of thing. If you're the sort of player who feels like mandatory grinding is an awful design choice, Dragon Warrior is not going to feel terribly welcoming to you.

Also, there's a flipside to the game's embrace of simplicity. Increasingly as I've developed my taste in video games, I've started to develop a particular opinion: shallow games aren't necessarily bad, but they're very rarely fun when they're hard. Sometimes it's nice to just kick back and play an RPG that doesn't demand a lot of you strategically. Dragon Warrior is like this, and when I found it easy, it was a pleasant, breezy experience for me. But once it decided that it was time to ramp up the difficulty, it starts to suffer from a skill ceiling so low you'd bump your head on it trying to stand up. There's basically a one-size-fits-all flowchart for game strategy here: if it uses spells and they're giving you trouble, cast STOPSPELL. If it's a dangerous physical attacker and it's vulnerable to sleep, cast SLEEP. Then hit it a lot, or maybe cast a damaging spell. If you're about to die, cast a healing spell. If that doesn't work, you're too weak to fight it. By the way, the final boss is immune or highly resistant to all spells, so...yeah, you just hit him a lot. If your level is high enough, you win. If your level isn't high enough, you lose. That's it. I knew better than to expect any more strategic depth from the fight, because the game literally doesn't have the mechanics to support it.

And again, this would not be a huge deal if the late game had a little more chill. But it didn't, probably for reasons along the lines of the prevailing design ideas of the day and a need to stretch out play time. Which are understandable choices, I suppose, but not ones that make for an experience that has stood the test of time.

The game's narrative structure here is rudimentary, but there's a lot to like. I suppose that I live in an RPG environment that has gone through many rounds of self-awarely responding to complaints about RPG cliches, and going back to Dragon Warrior, of course the way the game treats the narrative and world don't stand up to modern scrutiny. The plot is paper-thin, the hero has no internal motivation, and there are barely any NPCs who could be described as characters. Townsfolk just casually drop hints about your quest in a way that doesn't make any in-universe sense.

But, Dragon Warrior was not going for worldbuilding here, and to a degree, my recognition of what the game is trying to achieve allows me to appreciate its charms. The world is a little puzzle box, and finding a new town is exciting not just for the new equipment and items, but because you'll learn all sorts of new hints about where to go and what to do, slowly letting you build a picture of how to complete your quest. And I don't think that's an invalid design choice, merely one that's fallen out of vogue as our ability to tell stories in video games have developed.

So, my final evaluation of Dragon Warrior: If you just wanna play RPGs for fun, it's probably safe to skip it. I liked it more than I expected, but it got pretty aggrevating by the end. If you're interested in game design and RPG design in particular, I think it's worth a look. Play it until it starts getting really frustrating, and then let yourself stop there, and I don't think you'll regret the experience. For me, however, I've followed this story all the way to its end, and there's nowhere left to go but onward, to Dragon Warrior II!

[contentone3]

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[webmarket01]

9 Tips That Don’t Work for Weight Loss, Say Dietitians | Eat This Not That

New Post has been published on https://weightlosshtiw.com/9-tips-that-dont-work-for-weight-loss-say-dietitians-eat-this-not-that/

9 Tips That Don’t Work for Weight Loss, Say Dietitians | Eat This Not That

As a nutritionist, I’ve heard all the tips for weight loss—the good, the bad, and the totally off-the-wall. From the age-old cabbage soup diet to the more recent strategy of eating cotton balls to fill the stomach, there’s no shortage of trendy ways to shed pounds–many of them are not only strange but also potentially harmful.

Even mainstream folk wisdom about how to lose weight can sometimes steer you in the wrong direction. So what do dietitians (the real weight loss experts) have to say about which tips are solid and which make them roll their eyes? I asked several registered dietitians to get their feedback. Here are nine weight loss tips they say to skip, and for more tips on how to lose weight, be sure to check out our list of 15 Underrated Weight Loss Tips That Actually Work.

“Make eating inconvenient.”

In theory, it kind of makes sense that putting obstacles in the way of your eating—like by using chopsticks instead of a fork or eating with your non-dominant hand—could help you eat less. But it’s not exactly a practical solution to the issue of overeating.

“While you might find yourself eating slower, you can still finish a full meal,” says Carrie Gabriel, MS, RD. “It is time-consuming, and if a person is busy, that could be frustrating.”

Besides frustration, eating in awkward ways might just make you look silly. “Think of the mess a person would make if it was a food such as, say, steak or a burger, which need a hand or utensils to cut it into small pieces,” says Gabriel.

“Put on tight clothes before you eat.”

Another lifestyle change that’ll only lead to discomfort? Changing your wardrobe at mealtimes. You may have heard the tip to don tight clothing before you eat in order to stay mindful of each mouthful. But keeping up a constant awareness of your weight at mealtimes creates negative self-talk—which you definitely don’t need when you’re trying to be healthy.

“There’s nothing wrong with being motivated to realistically fit into your own clothing that you recently wore, but it’s more important to dress the body you have and focus on your plate instead of your closet,” says Bonnie Taub-Dix, RDN, creator of BetterThanDieting.com and author of Read It Before You Eat It—Taking You from Label to Table.

In the midst of a busy day, there’s a time and a place for a probiotic-rich fruit and yogurt smoothie or protein shake instead of a sit-down lunch. But opting out of all meals in favor of weight loss shakes is likely to be a mere quick fix.

“While replacing food with a shake can be effective for some, there are important points to consider,” says dietitian and personal trainer Anthony DiMarino, RD, CPT. “Meal replacement shakes are normally very low in calories and fiber and therefore do not keep people satisfied for long periods of time.”

DiMarino adds that many meal replacement shakes tend to be high in sugar, which can spike blood sugar—a major drawback if you’re living with diabetes or pre-diabetes.

Instead, make yourself one of these 100 Best No-Cook Recipes of All Time.

“Eat only one food.”

Remember the grapefruit diet? Or the potato diet? Or any diet that told you to eat just one food? Monotrophic diets—those that advise sticking to a single food or food group—have been around for ages. The idea goes that you can only eat so much of any food before getting so bored you’ll basically stop eating altogether.

It doesn’t sound like a recipe for a healthy relationship to food, says Gabriel. And it sure doesn’t sound like fun!

“This pushes a person into eating disorder territory, in my opinion,” she says.

Meanwhile, if you go too long without a varied diet, you’re more likely to end up in the hospital than in a bikini competition.

“Eating only one type of food for an extended time period will make you deficient in other nutrients your body needs. Eventually, this could result in life-threatening illnesses,” Gabriel says.

“Don’t eat carbs.”

No one can deny the weight loss-boosting effects of cutting back on carbs on a diet like keto or Atkins. But for many people, opting out of carbohydrates completely can become a too-drastic elimination—one that might not even work in the long term.

“The research suggests you will undoubtedly lose weight by cutting out an entire food group,” says DiMarino. “But at what cost? Depriving yourself from carbohydrates (your main energy source) will ultimately reduce your quality of life over time. Low carb diets can cause you to experience hunger, irritability, fatigue, mood swings, constipation, headaches, and brain fog.”

If you’re considering ditching carbs for weight loss, it’s best to talk to your doctor or dietitian before diving in—as well as to be aware of the risks.

“A low-carb diet can put you at risk for kidney stones, osteoporosis, and even gout,” DiMarino says.

“Chew each bite dozens of times.”

This one’s another throwback: Simply chew your food into a liquid pulp and watch the pounds fly off! The art of “Fletcherism” had its heyday in the early 1900s when food faddist Horace Fletcher (the early 20th-century version of an Instagram influencer) advised his adherents to chew every bite until liquefied to boost weight loss.

To this day, you’ll sometimes see this tip circling back around. And, in truth, it’s not a bad idea to chew thoroughly—but it’s no magic bullet for weight loss.

“While chewing your food multiple times before swallowing is ideal and aids in proper digestion, and eating more slowly can make you conscious of becoming fuller more quickly, this can also be time-consuming,” says Gabriel. “Depending on the food and depending on a person’s relationship with food, it can make them obsess over their food and not actually enjoy it.”

For more healthy eating tips, check out our list of 9 Best Healthy Eating Hacks for Weight Loss.

“Cut out fat.”

If there was one prevailing weight loss mantra of the 1980s and ’90s, it was that eating fat made people fat. Non-fat potato chips, salad dressings, and even (ew) ice creams became staples of “healthy” households. Now, however, research has shown that the right kinds of fats are an important part of a healthy diet—even a diet for weight loss!

“Fat is an essential nutrient that not only helps us absorb fat-soluble vitamins and essential nutrients, but it also helps us feel full and satisfied to help prevent overeating,” says Taub-Dix. “The key when trying to reduce your weight or eat healthfully in general (even if your weight is not an issue for you), is to choose the right fats.”

Monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fats are the kind to enjoy regularly in your diet. Taub-Dix recommends including plenty of nuts, avocado, and oils like avocado oil or olive oil.

“Don’t ever indulge.”

Popular weight loss advice is guilty of plenty of untruths—chief among them the idea that, when trying to reach a healthy weight, you can’t indulge in any of your favorite foods. Make one “mistake” by having a donut or pizza, goes the thinking, and you’ve done irreversible damage.

Dietitians know this is far from true.

“Why should you be denied of your favorite foods just because you’re trying to lose weight?” says Taub-Dix. “If you don’t eat any of those indulgent foods you love, there’s a good chance that you’ll wait until you’re ‘off’ your diet to enjoy them. That’s when those foods usually come back with a vengeance—in unreasonable portion sizes and too often.”

Rather than thinking of your weight loss effort as a short window of restricting the joy out of food, you’ll benefit far more in the long-term by (sometimes) including best-loved menu items.

“A weight loss plan that will be sustained should always include foods you love because, after all, this should be a diet you incorporate into your life, not a diet you change your life for temporarily,” Taub-Dix says.

“Just cut calories.”

When it comes to weight loss, we all know the basic concept of calories in versus calories out. It seems like losing weight should be so simple—yet many dieters find that just eating less somehow doesn’t budge the scale. Turns out, multiple factors are often at work in your body to complicate this equation.

“While the prevailing evidence suggests weight loss can occur as long as there is a calorie deficit, the kinds of calories do matter,” DiMarino says. “Human bodies are complex biological systems that process foods with different micronutrient makeups in completely different ways. Physiologic and hormonal changes occur in response to the foods we eat.”

If you’ve found you’re not making progress by sticking to a calorie target, don’t despair! Fortunately, you can experiment (especially with a dietitian’s guidance) with what types of foods and food combinations you consume. One possibility: work on incorporating higher-fiber, nutrient-dense foods as often as possible.

“Choosing to eat less processed, whole foods improve overall satiety (thus limiting overeating), provides steady energy all day long, and improves body composition over time,” DiMarino says.

This content was originally published here.

[andrewdburton]

Two Years Without Health Insurance (and What I’m Doing Now)

Two years ago, I was unsatisfied with my options for health insurance. The premiums were rising even as the quality dropped in the form of an ever-increasing deductible. I am guessing that you might feel the same way these days – most of us Americans are in the same boat.

I felt like I was being squeezed from both ends and it was starting to piss me off. So I decided to take some action, by doing the math for myself using a spreadsheet. I needed to answer the question, “Is this insurance really as bad a deal as I think it is?”

Sure enough, the risks and rewards of the coverage did not justify the premiums, so I decided to try an experiment and simply drop out of the market and insure myself. In other words, just rolling the dice and going through life with no form of health insurance at all.

Doubling down on the bikes, barbells and salads, I did my best to eliminate any risk factors that are in my control, while accepting that there are still much less likely but more random factors that are not.

Figure 1 – DIY Health Care

Almost two years and $10,000 in premium savings later, I have found the experiment to be a success: I have slept well and not worried about the fact that I could be on the hook for a big bill if I did ever need major care. And as luck would have it, I also enjoyed the same good health as always over this time period – probably the best in my life so far because the extra healthy living has been working its magic.

But.

This situation has not been quite ideal, because my life is not a very useful model for everyone to follow. Most people don’t have the luck of perfect health, many have a larger family than I do, and very few people are in a financial position to self-insure for all possible medical bills.

Also, I found myself wishing I had a doctor that actually knew me, who I could call or visit on short notice if I ever did need help.

Finally, I wanted to switch back to having some form of insurance so that I could learn about it and write about it as time goes on. But was I really willing to be part of that unsatisfying and broken insurance model?

Then something magical happened: I learned about the new and vastly improved world of Direct Primary Care physicians.

What is DPC?

DPC is a fairly new trend in the US, but it is also a return to a very old tradition: a direct relationship between you and your doctor, with no insurance company in the way. 

As a customer, you pay for a monthly subscription (somewhere around $100), and in exchange you get unlimited access to super elite, personalized medicine for the vast majority of your medical needs. Diagnoses, prescriptions, skin conditions, stitches, even fixing a broken bone if you don’t need surgery. All covered, with no co-pay and in an environment that feels to me like Presidential-level health care, in striking contrast to some of my past experiences where I felt like an anonymous numbered ticket in a sloshing sea of bureaucratic institutional medicine.

Oh, and direct email, phone and text message contact with your doctor, prescriptions over phone or video call, and in some cases even house calls depending on the practice and the situation.

Through some sort of magic, the Direct Primary Care model offers much better medical care and much lower prices, at the same time.

How could it be? It’s because of the incentives.

Figure 2: The Insurance Model for Health Care

In our famously broken US healthcare model, an insurance company is wedged in between you and your doctors, and it has different objectives than you do.

You just want the best overall health for yourself, and when the shit does hit the fan and you need medical care, you want it to be quick, effective, and at minimum cost. And you don’t want to be hounded with years of stressful stray bills after an expensive medical procedure.

Your Doctor wants to help as many people as possible and make a good living, without having to wade through a sea of paperwork or stress or lawsuits. Your Insurance company wants to make as much profit as possible, which means maximizing the amount they collect from you, and minimizing the amount they pay to your doctor. In theory, they benefit from helping you to stay healthy. But they have also developed elaborate contracts (putting in as many loopholes as possible to allow them to drop your coverage or deny claims), become masters of delaying payments, limiting which procedures and tests they will authorize doctors to do, and just generally throwing the biggest monkey wrench into the system that they can.

Over the decades, there has been a complex battle of lawmaking, lobbying, compromise and complexity to try to regulate away some of these problems. Sometimes the new laws help, sometimes they don’t, but the end result will never be optimal simply because there are a lot of people involved, and big crowds of humans make for slow and shitty decision making.

The Direct Primary Care Model

Figure 3: The Direct Primary Care Model

With DPC, it’s just you and your doctor. You both have the same incentives, but now the model works much better because there is no chaotic and expensive force in the middle to mess things up.

And because you operate on a subscription, the doctor gets paid whether you come into the office or not. At the same time, you are free to come in whenever you do need something, at no additional cost. So she has an incentive to keep you healthy, so that you have no need to come into the office in the first place. 

On top of this, you get to decide together what is the best course of healthy prevention and treatment, without the overhead and complexity of constantly fighting with insurance companies. This drastically cuts the costs by eliminating the large staff of paper-pushers and attorneys that you normally need to operate a medical office, and frees up the doctor to spend more time with each patient during each visit.

How could the doctor possibly make a living with such low fees?

As it turns out, a small practice with a full-time doctor and 2-3 credentialed medical assistants can handle over 1000 subscribers while still giving each person much more time than they get under the old model. At $100 per month, this is $1.2 million in annual gross subscriber income, which is enough to pay everybody well, and rent a suitable clinic space. And as you scale up the operation, some economies of scale on things like space and equipment make it even better.

Just as importantly, running a practice like this tends to make a dramatic improvement in a doctor’s quality of life. It’s better medicine, with more flexibility and less hassle and stress. No wonder this model is growing rapidly and has become a favorite of physicians who happen to be MMM readers, as I hear from more of them every month.

Direct Primary Care is now a nationwide movement, with many hundreds of practices spanning the country and many more opening each year. Today’s screenshot of https://mapper.dpcfrontier.com/ shows the current state of the market. 

Direct care locations everywhere

In fact, it turns out this whole trend might even be a Mustachian-originated phenomenon, as I joined my own local practice called Cloud Medical, met the founder Dr. David Tusek, and he revealed halfway through our introductory visit that he was both a founder of DPC pioneer Nextera Healthcare in 2009, and a lurking reader of this blog for several years before I discovered him right here in my own town.  A note for locals: if you are considering joining Cloud, mention that you would like the MMM discount to save a further $12/month! (we have no affiliation, they are just looking to expand the practice and I’ll remove this notice if they fill up)

My experience (so far) with Cloud Medical

Cloud Medical’s Longmont office – definitely a step up over past medical office experiences! (although they do need to add a proper bike rack)

I signed up with Cloud this past summer, about five months ago. Although I have been feeling great, I figured it was time to put myself through an extensive battery of “middle-aged man” tests just to make sure I am not missing any hidden problems. 

With the doctor’s guidance, I did a very thorough blood test, plus an electrocardiogram scan of my heart performance and ultrasound Carotid artery scan which involves a practitioner lubing up your neck and sliding a Star-Trek-style probe around on it while recording images of your body’s most critical plumbing to check for signs of clogging. Plus the usual checks of an annual physical exam. All clear.

I also finally got around to a long-awaited diagnosis and prescription for my Adult Attention Deficit Disorder condition, something which took me seven years to get organized enough to achieve, paradoxically one of the crippling effects of ADD. Although this is a very personal health detail, I mention it here because there are many friends and readers who also suffer from this condition, and I encourage you to learn more about it and seek help if appropriate. It can be life-changing.  I found this process was much easier in a DPC environment, because of the more personal nature of the doctor-patient connection. 

This DPC model addresses perhaps 90% of typical medical needs in-house, and a “menu” of optional specialists knocks out another 5%. 

Cloud and other DPC practices have a “menu” of standardized prices, typically much lower than traditional offices. Full PDF here.

But there is still a chance you will need the more rare (and expensive) services of a hospital or specialist. In this case, your DPC physician can provide referrals and guidance to allow you to get the right help at a discounted, direct-pay price, or even handle your needs with a conventional insurance company.

Part Two: But What About Bigger Expenses?

Health share options, with the one I chose (Sedera) in the center.

At this point, you can add another layer of protection: High deductible conventional insurance, or a health share plan which offers a similar end-result while being careful not to be classified as insurance. 

These plans started out catering only to members of certain religions. Then a provider called Liberty Health Share opened up the market slightly while still requiring some fairly specific spiritual affirmations.

The latest incarnation is a company called Sedera* , which has addressed some of the shortcomings of earlier companies, has no religious basis, and now seems to be the place that most of my more analytical friends and their families are ending up. Even my DPC physician Dr. Tusek is now recommending Sedera.

Sedera is worth a whole separate article in itself, and in fact I am starting a dedicated page for questions and answers and discussion on the experience. But for now, we’ll take a shortcut and just say that I was convinced and willing to give it a try, so I signed myself up as a Sedera customer.

A quick comparison of the closest standard insurance plan I could find on the standard Colorado health insurance exchange, versus what I got from Sedera (click for larger version):

For me, Sedera cuts my monthly cost in half, even while delivering better coverage.

Another thing I like about all this is that there is no concept of “in network” and “out of network” doctors or hospitals. You can even use hospitals in other countries while traveling, and get reimbursed in US dollars after you return home. It’s simpler, cheaper and more flexible.

So in the end, by combining DPC with a health share plan, I am hopefully ending up with the best of all worlds:

The best personalized, advanced medicine and quick response time, possibly anywhere in the world through my DPC subscription, with unlimited “free” (zero co-pay) doctor visits.

Flexible coverage for any additional needs and support for decision-making and billing, even when traveling internationally

A financial backstop just in case things get really expensive

At a total monthly cost that is still lower than the most basic ho-hum plan on standard insurance

A further bonus – Sedera incentivizes you to be a member of a DPC, with a solid discount if you are, because they know their costs to cover you will be lower if you are healthier and have hassle-free access to a doctor.

This all sounds good to me, but it is important to state that this is an experiment. I still don’t have much experience with the US healthcare system – it helped deliver my son in 2006, and then repair that same boy’s broken arm in 2016. Conventional insurance offered some halfhearted support for both of those expenses, but aside from that I don’t have many stories to tell. 

By collecting more information from readers and from my new helpers at Cloud Medical and Sedera, we should be able to make more sense of all this. And hopefully continue to expand and improve this new, better form of health care so it is accessible to more US residents.

If it gets big enough, we might end up solving this whole problem together – better, cheaper health care for everyone.

My past articles and experiences have shown that for many of us, a big hurdle when considering early retirement or self-employment is “what about health insurance”? Hopefully the is DPC + Healthshare method will put that question to rest for many of us. After all, shouldn’t our career and life choices be separate from our healthcare?

—–

Interested in Learning More? A long-time friend of mine (and fellow early-retiree, and co-owner of the HQ coworking space) Bill and his family have been Sedera customers and enthusiasts for about two years. So much that he even took it upon himself to meet the company’s management, sign himself up as a representative to streamline some of the inefficiencies he perceived when joining, and then teach me about the whole thing.

Because of that, I am sharing Bill’s Sedera signup link in this article. His is unique among the Sedera affiliates in that he charges zero administrative fee, typical brokers charge $25 per month and up.

https:/sedera.community/thefireguild1

*note: Sedera does pay its affiliates a small referral fee for new customers, which does not affect your monthly bill – in fact, this link offers a lower price than subscribing directly through the company’s website. Thus, we believe this is the lowest cost way on the Internet to get this coverage.

As mentioned above, I’m giving Bill his own page to maintain on this site, where he can share his ongoing research and updates and answer questions: mrmoneymustache.com/sedera

Further Reading:

I was quite moved by this piece that Cloud Medical’s Dr. David Tusek wrote about “the ten heartbreaks” that led him to work since 2009 towards accelerating this better way to do healthcare.

An interesting story from Bill’s hometown, from a doctor who took this path way back in 2013:

South Portland Doctor Stops Accepting Insurance, Posts Prices Online (from the Bangor Daily News)

from Finance https://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2020/11/09/direct-primary-care/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

[kamerionbeaudry91]

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