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stellarsecrets86 · 1 day ago

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All About Moon In Natal Chart

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{PS: These are my own interpretations. For entertainment purposes only. Have Fun💚.}

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Moon in Aries

The Moon in Aries is emotionally hot, and thus people become impulsive and explosive. The drive of their emotions sets them afire, which initiates an immediate need to undertake an action and make a decision. They can be very childlike and wear their heart on their sleeve. They are spontaneity themselves and live in the present; sometimes this can be too much for others because such individuals react so strongly emotionally. They seek excitement and stimulation, and a challenge makes them emotionally charged; they take the lead.They love independence and spontaneity in relationships, and their courage and dynamism can be an inspiration to others. They are impatient and can get frustrated if things are not moving fast. Emotionally, they are resilient; they bounce back fast from setbacks and are seldom bogged down by protracted sadness.They are straightforward and candid in their mode of expression, most especially about their feelings. This placement grants a pioneering spirit and a need to take the lead in action, especially when motivated emotionally. Though they can be self-centered, their zeal can light up a room, making other people want to follow them. On the other hand, they do need to grow in emotional maturity and learn to harness the impulsiveness. This placement foments a fearless approach to life, ever wanting to conquer the emotional world.

Moon in Aries Degree (1°, 13°, 25°)

It is a raw pioneering emotional energy. Individuals with a moon in Aries degrees are bold and impulsive. They start new projects - which are taken up because of intuitive passion-and are just as fast to quit them too.These degrees temper courage with determination. People with these degrees have a more subtle concentration on emotional independence, resilient to challenges yet still assertive. Emphasizes leadership and maturity in the expression of emotions. Such people put fire into action, often inspiring others by the dynamism and sincerity of their approach to life.

Moon in Taurus

The Moon in Taurus is the most stable and harmonious of all lunar positions. It puts a deep urge in people for emotional security, comfort, and stability. Their feelings are smooth, and they seldom let themselves be swept away by any kind of turbulence. They attach strongly to the tangible world of matter and find serenity in nature, beauty, and the sensual pleasures of life-good food, music, and art.The Moon in Taurus makes them rather calm and well-grounded individuals, hence stable and nurturing companions. Quick to anger they are not, but when driven beyond their limits, the reactions could be intense and long. They believe in the values of loyalty and consistency in relationships and hence seek partners who would offer them stability and reassurance.This placement also amplifies a strong attachment to material possessions, as they derive security from building a secure foundation. The home is their haven, and they may put much energy into making it warm and inviting. While their emotional style is practical, they have an underpinning of sensuality and passion that gives their relationships much depth.But this stability often then morphs into stubbornness. They may resist changes or hold on to certain routines even when growth demands they get out of their comfort zones. Learning to balance the love of stability with flexibility is key in the emotional evolution of an individual.

Moon in Taurus Degrees (2°, 14°, 26°)

Stability and security are essential. Comfort and material well-being mean much to the person who has this degree and is adverse to changes. Their emotions are calm, steady, and quiet, never extreme nor violent.A practical emotional nature will equip them with the ability to create and nurture something that will last. They find emotional fulfillment in beauty, art, and enjoying life's pleasures.Amplifies the emotional strength within and closeness to the earth. People with this placement are emotionally stable and attach deeply to family and worldly possessions. They love routine, as it gives them stability.

Moon in Gemini

People with their Moon in Gemini are emotionally curious, communicative, and mentally quick. They intellectualize their emotions and often find talking about feelings is a healing balm in and of itself. They're natural conversationalists-quick-witted and full of humor-and they make excellent company. Still, their moodiness can change in a wink of an eye-a true reflection of Gemini's mutable air energy.They become emotionally aroused by new ideas, experiences, and interactions. For them, boredom is more of an issue, since they do feel a need for mental activation. In relationships,they will be drawn to those who can reciprocate their need for interesting conversations and intellectual friendship. They lack showing deep feelings but are generally good at conveying thoughts and ideas.Adaptability makes them very good problem solvers, for they face emotional difficulties with logical reasoning and flexibility. At the same time, though, their adaptability sometimes may make them appear as somewhat detached or inconsistent, jumping so easily from one emotional experience to another. They might struggle with staying down to earth or sticking with just one emotional focal point.Emotionally, the Moon grows in Gemini-learning to embrace vulnerabilities and deepened connections. The balancing factor comes with tuning natural curiosity against emotional depth for them to be more related to the bonds and life events.

Moon in Gemini Degrees (3°, 15°, 27°)

Mirror-Image of an inquisitive and communicative emotional nature. Such people are very emotionally expressive, generally feeling happy when they are surrounded by intellectual vibrancy, sharing their ideas with everybody. These degrees stress adaptability and versatility. Emotionally this position can be light and flexible to change but flighty, inconsistent in their emotional expression.

Moon in Cancer

The Moon, being in Cancer, is at home since Cancer is the ruling sign of the Moon. Such a placement bestows an unparalleled depth to emotional sensitivity and intuition. They are attached with their inner world and are badly influenced by their feelings. They can thus innately estimate the feelings of others, which makes them so empathetic and nurturing.

Home and family represent the center of their emotional lives. They look to security by providing a safe, loving environment, and relationships with family members are often deep and intense. Of course, this can sometimes be taken to an extreme in the form of emotional dependency or over-protectiveness. People with this placement have feelings in waves-much like those tides governed by the Moon. They are moody and retreat into their shells whenever they get hurt or overwhelmed, yet they have a great inner strength that keeps them going through hardships.Their intuition often leads them to the right decisions, and by nature, they are talented in care giving, art, or healing professions. This is a big strength, but nurturing nature needs to learn how to set boundaries and not get lost within the emotional needs of others. Self-care and self-acceptance are vital to their growth.

Moon in Cancer Degrees: 4°, 16°, 28°

Emotional and intuitive, with an emphasized need for emotional security, connected to family and home. People with this degree are sensitive, empathetic, and protective. 16° Cancer: This is a mature emotional degree that gives the instinct to nurture. People are naturally supportive, often putting others' needs before their own emotions, while wanting to create an environment that is safe and loving.Amplifies the need for depth in emotions and family relationships. Individuals can be very defensive when it comes to loved ones, yet might be overly attached or too careful with their emotions.

Moon in Leo

Moon in Leo people need recognition, appreciation, and the need for self-expression. The Moon in Leo is emotionally satisfied by being noticed and appreciated. Often, they function well in professions that allow them to utilize their talents. They have warm and generous natures, often going out of their way to make others feel special.Emotionally, they are confident and enthusiastic, with a natural charisma that draws people to them. They can be sensitive to criticism and may struggle with feelings of inadequacy if they feel undervalued. Their emotions are dramatic and vivid, and they often express their feelings with flair.

They are loyal and affectionate in relationships; they look for people who appreciate their strengths and celebrate their dreams. They pride in and protect their loved ones a great deal. The strong sense of self may at times make them attention-seeking, which may overwhelm more reserved partners.For emotional growth, these individuals must learn to balance their need for validation with humility and self-awareness. By cultivating a sense of inner security, they are able to shine without relying on external admiration alone.

Moon in Leo Degrees (5°, 17°, 29°)

A vital, expressive, and dramatic emotional nature is reflected. Individuals with this degree need recognition and love to be noticed; their emotional satisfaction comes from being admired or adored.These people want to be admired, but applause for one's character and nobility is appreciated as well.Put the native an edge through intense and deep feelings that hope to be remembered after they are gone. Sometimes creative expression helps this degree balance emotionally in creative outlets and/or leadership responsibilities and to recognize and appreciate heartfelt accomplishment.

Moon in Virgo

Emotions are practical and analyzed. The persons deeply focus on details, often finding comfort in organizing, problem-solving, and improving the environment. A strong desire to be helpful might come with the expression of their emotions through acts of service.Emotionally, they might be somewhat restrained, reflecting more on feelings inside their world than the actual one. Whereas they can be very dependable and supportive, they also may easily feel self-criticizing or over analyze their emotions. The presence of such pragmatism in their nature at times gives an impression of being unconnected, although caring and supportive to those around them, is their purpose.They are caring and attentive in relationships, many times being able to anticipate what their partner may want. Stability appeals to them, and they often seek a person who is equally interested in growing and maturing. Perfectionism raises expectations unrealistically high for themselves and others.

They need to train themselves to love their imperfections, not over-analyze things. Such a balance can be achieved for them between analysis and self-compassion, giving them deeper satisfaction in their connections on the emotional level with others.

Moon in Virgo Degrees (6°, 18°)

Emotional sensitivity connected to practicality and service. With this degree, people feel satisfied while serving and helping others, taking care by organizing and paying attention to details.They bring emotional intelligence and the tendency to be self-critical. Individuals with these moon degrees may seek perfectionism as a way of feeling emotional comfort; the drive should go toward betterment and healing.

Moon in Libra

The Moon in Libra makes people pleasure-seeking of harmony, balance, and beauty within their emotional realm. Highly relational, they will often go out of their way to maintain peace and equilibrium by putting others' feelings first. They are natural diplomats, tactfully working their way through social situations with ease and poise.Emotionally, they need companionship and find their fulfillment when they are in harmonious relationships. The sense of fairness and justice that often makes them mediators in conflicts and pleas for balance, on the other hand, creates a very strong desire in them to please people, which can make them indecisive at times or suppress their emotions to avoid quarrels.They are romantic and charming in love, cherishing the time spent with others. They value intellectual and emotional connections alike and often seek a partner who can engage them on many levels. Though they really thrive when they're in a relationship, they do need to learn not to lose their sense of identity and rely too much on others for validation.Emotional growth for people with the Moon in Libra will have to come through a balance of the urge for harmony with authenticity. Owning their needs and learning to express these will give them emotional satisfaction without sacrificing values dear to them.

Moon in Libra Degrees (7°, 19°)

Emotional emphasis is on harmony and balance. People are touched to the quick by their relationships, feeling safe emotionally when they can establish peace and fairness around them.Then comes emotional maturity and a sublime understanding of love and partnership. Individuals with these, thrive in relationships by seeking emotional fulfillment through mutual support, fairness, and diplomacy.

Moon in Scorpio

The Moon in Scorpio is probably one of the most intense placements, deeply representative of emotional power and transformation. Individuals with this placement experience their feelings with a depth and complexity that is hard to match. They are highly intuitive and often have a keen awareness of the unseen or hidden aspects of life.Their emotions are passionate and all-consuming, with the potential for life-changing experiences. They are loyal and want depth in a relationship, desiring a partner who will match their level of intensity. On the other hand, the strength of their emotions may make them jealous, possessive, or controlling.They make relationships deep and profound, and the same depth they create, they expect from their partners. They are charismatic, which makes them attract people, though at times the lightness of some people gets overwhelmed by the intensity in them. Their ability to heal is extraordinary, whereby they help others around them with insight and resilience through crises.For emotional growth, these individuals must learn to release grudges and embrace forgiveness. By channeling their emotional energy into constructive outlets, they can achieve profound self-awareness and transformation.

Moon in Scorpio Degrees: (8°, 20°)

Emotional nature is intense, intuitive, with deep, changing feelings. They are drawn to the mysterious and to plunging into the emotional deep for satisfaction.These people may experience breakdowns that change them; they keep their emotions close to their chests and can be secretive or distrusting.

Moon in Sagittarius

The Moon in Sagittarius is a position of emotional freedom, optimism, and exploration. They are driven by the urge for adventure, knowledge, and growth. They come to their feelings with curiosity and very often find their comfort in the expansion of their horizons.Emotionally, they are optimistic and resilient, often looking for the silver lining in challenging situations. They are naturally philosophical and may process their feelings through intellectual exploration or spiritual practices. At the same time, however, their need for freedom can sometimes make them avoid deep emotional entanglements or commitments.They are passionate and open in relationships, finding partners who share their sense of adventure and exploration. They are forthright and may feel caged in by relationships that feel too controlling or stagnant. Their cheerfulness and sense of humor make them great companions.For emotional development, they would have to learn to balance freedom with emotional depths and vulnerability. By embracing the emotional connection, their relationships can deepen and become a source of gratification.

Moon in Sagittarius Degrees (9°, 21°)

Shows an adventurous, freedom-loving emotional nature. There is emotional fulfillment with exploration, travel, and philosophical pursuits.Confers an optimistic, expansive approach to the emotions. The emotional nature is naturally joyful in this degree, often enthusiastic about all things new; fulfillment comes through growth and learning.

Moon in Capricorn

The Moon in Capricorn is practical and disciplined in the approach to emotions. These people value structure, responsibility, and achievement, often putting practical concerns before emotional expression. They are dependable and steady, with a strong sense of duty to their loved ones.Emotionally, they tend to be reserved or stoic; they deal more privately with emotional issues. They take their security from routine, goals, and concrete achievements. They are responsible and work hard but may have difficulty expressing weakness or asking for help.They are loyal and committed in relationships, taking on either the protective or nurturing role. They value stability and seek a partner with similar dedication to long-term goals. At times, they may appear distant or inaccessible because of their emphasis on practicality.The call for emotional growth for these individuals is to accept and allow the softer side of themselves to be taken care of. The balancing between the drive for success and allowing emotional openness may bring about deeper connections and more personal fulfillment.

Moon in Capricorn Degrees (10°, 22°)

An emotionally practical and disciplined nature. The individual with this degree is not very demonstrative emotionally, finding satisfaction through hard work, attainment, and the establishment of a secure basis for the future.With these degrees, individuals derive emotional fulfillment from positions of authority and are deeply committed to their personal and professional aspirations, though they may find it difficult to show their vulnerabilities.

Moon in Aquarius

The Moon in Aquarius represents emotional independence, innovation, and a strong connection to humanity. These people are oriented toward the future and often approach their feelings from a rational or detached perspective. They value intellectual stimulation and are deeply invested in social causes or community initiatives.They are unconventional emotionally and perhaps resistant to conventional roles or expectations. Freedom keeps them going, while highly restrictive relationships make life miserable. The emotional realm with them is pretty much linked with their ideals; contributing to something bigger than themselves makes them complete.They believe in individuality and mutual respect in relationships. They are progressive and open-minded, mostly seeking a partner who shares their vision for the future. They are loyal friends and partners, but they might have a hard time showing emotions openly, as they are more focused on ideas and concepts.They need to balance their independence and emotional closeness in order for them to grow emotionally. They can learn to connect on a deeper level so they can have deep, meaningful bonds without betraying their ideals.

Moon in Aquarius Degrees (11°, 23°)

Emotionally detached yet idealistic, these individuals are more focused on the mental connection and can feel emotionally satisfied through friendships, innovation, and progressive ideas.These amplify detachment and individuality. The native is emotionally detached; his relationships are free, and he may be attracted to people who are unusual or eccentric and understand his way of thinking.

Moon in Pisces

The Moon in Pisces is the epitome of emotional sensitivity, intuition, and compassion. These people have a strong inner connection and very often feel the emotions of others as if they were their own. They are dreamers with a vivid imagination and great spiritual connection. Emotionally, they are empathetic and often drawn to helping others. They find comfort in creative expression, spiritual practices, or retreating into their own world. However, their sensitivity can make them prone to emotional overwhelm or escapism.They are romantic and compassionate in love, placing their partners on a pedestal. They enjoy deep emotional contact and are drawn to individuals who can display an equal measure of sensitivity and depth as themselves. At times, however, this may also lead them to disappointment or idealized expectations with respect to other people.These individuals need to learn to set boundaries and ground themselves in reality for emotional growth. Embracing their intuitive gifts while maintaining emotional resilience allows them to navigate life with grace and strength.

Moon in Pisces Degrees (12°, 24°)

Reveals an ultra-sensitive and highly empathetic emotional nature. People with this degree will also look intuitively toward spiritual practices, the creative arts, and selfless service for emotional nourishment.Intuitive, compassionate emotional makeup. Individuals having these degrees can be ultra caring of others, prone to absorb or easily take on another's feelings. Many struggles surround setting boundaries for themselves. There are true ways of fulfillment-to help others or connect with divinity.

Moon In Houses

Moon in the 1st House

The Moon in the 1st house indicates an individual whose emotions and inner world are tremendously conspicuous to observers. These individuals wear their hearts on their sleeves, often coming across as nurturing, empathetic, and sensitive. Their moods and feelings strongly color their physical presence and demeanor in the way they present to the world.They are very intuitive and responsive, often tuning into the ambient currents of feeling. People with this placement don't find it easy to develop emotional boundaries since they're innately receptive to others' feelings. The outer cover or public persona changes along with the mood, so that one gets the impression of a changeable or moody person. They might turn deeply introverted as a result of this strong attachment with which their self-image is invested; and outward identity is in alignment with the inner feelings of the individual. However, this placement may also stimulate an excessive tendency to look to external recognition for validations of one's feelings.In that personal growth process, they would have to balance emotional expression with self-awareness, learning not to completely let their feelings run them or define self-worth. It is developing a sense of self strongly enough apart from the tides of emotions that can allow them to flourish.

Moon in the 2nd House

Moon in the 2nd House: Here, the Moon closely associates emotions with material security and personal values. They feel emotionally comforted with stability, financial security, and tangible possessions. Many of them pamper themselves and others with food, comfort, and abundance that make life comfortable and safe.People with this placement may have fluctuating finances or changing attitudes towards material possessions, mirroring their mood swings. They are usually attached to things that remind them of something, and their possessions can be emotionally loaded.They look for an emotional and economic stability partner. They are usually nurturing and generous but can also be insecure whenever their material foundation seems threatened even from a slight perspective. For them, self-esteem and morals are closely intertwined with their emotional disposition.They need to learn to let go of their emotions from their material life for growth. The more they cultivate inner security and self-worth irrespective of their life circumstances, the more harmonious and rewarding their life will be.

Moon in the 3rd House

Moon in the 3rd house gives an emotional orientation to communication, learning, and the immediate environment. They are born with the ability to express their feelings through words, whether spoken or written. They are very sensitive and often strongly influenced by the surroundings.Their mood may fluctuate depending on the interaction they have with their siblings, neighbors, or people in society. They find their comfort in keeping their minds occupied and may use learning or communication as an emotional release. Their emotional nature, however, makes them think too much or anxious if their thoughts are not channelled constructively.They are emotive within relationships and search for someone who can discuss interesting subjects with them. They seek people who are curious and adaptable, like themselves, and place great emphasis on emotional intelligence.Growth requires them to root their emotional expression so that fleeting thoughts or surrounding stimuli do not toss them too much. Application of mindfulness helps in paying attention to deeper connectives and makes one more poised.

Moon in the 4th House

Moon in the 4th house is deeply nurturing and emotionally profound. Their home, family, and roots are the places where their emotional core finds its place. The attachment to the past is strong, and they usually feel secure with familiar people and environments.They are natural caregivers, generally assuming the role of emotional supporter within the family. Their home is their haven, and they may put much time and energy into creating a cozy and emotionally uplifting space. Sometimes, this attachment to upbringing may lead them to emotional stagnation when they get too caught up in the past.In relationships, they can be protective, loyal, and very attached. They are attracted to those that value family and home similarly and place great emphasis on emotional closeness.The individuals must learn how to balance the emotional attachments with their past lives and their desire to grow as a person for development. It will be necessary to embrace change by breaking out of the molds of the past so that new securities and fulfillment can be sought for the future.

Moon in the 5th House

The Moon in the 5th house brings a deep emotional connection to creativity, self-expression, and joy. These individuals are passionate and vibrant, often using their creative talents to process and express their emotions. They have a strong desire to find emotional fulfillment through hobbies, artistic endeavors, or romantic relationships.They can be so dramatic and intense with their emotions, and they always look for validation through recognition of their talents or affections. They are very intuitive and have a natural ability to connect with children or younger individuals, often taking on a nurturing role in these relationships. This makes them romantic and expressive in love, seeking someone who will give equal enthusiasm and passion in a match. Their extreme highs and lows make the relationships seem unpredictable at times.To grow, they must strike a balance between the need for emotional excitement and stability. Putting emotions into creative outlets that are constructive will help to find lasting fulfillment.

Moon in the 6th House

The Moon in the 6th house shows a connection between emotions with work, health, and daily routines. These people often find comfort when things are organized around them, following a structure to which they can devote themselves emotionally through busy work. Thus, they feel intuitively told by their instincts regarding what might be wrong in their work environment or with their health.Their moods can be closely tied to their work or service to others. They feel most alive when they are useful and needed, often getting an emotional high from helping others or contributing to their community. They can be prone to stress and emotional burnout if they take on too many responsibilities or neglect their own needs.

They are practical in relationships, and they could show their love by acts of service or attention to details. They search for a partner who values them for their supportive role and commitment to the improvement of minor things in life.They need to pay attention to self-care and not overextend for others emotionally if they are to grow. They can learn to balance their need for order with emotional flexibility, which leads to a much healthier and more fulfilling life.

Moon in the 7th House

Moon in the 7th house amplifies emotional gratification from relationships and partnerships. Individuals with this placement are sensitive to the needs and feelings of their partners and mostly work towards maintaining peace and equilibrium in their relationships.They can be prone to mood swings depending on the status of their relationships, as their security is wrapped up in the people around them. They will naturally try to mediate and take care of others in a relationship. However, they might have a tendency to become emotionally dependent or to need validation from others.They are romantic and caring in love, appreciating emotional closeness and mutual understanding. They look for empathetic and supportive partners and often go out of their way to create a stable and nurturing environment for their loved ones.They need to learn emotional independence and not define themselves through others so that they may grow. This would, of course, allow them much healthier and more balanced relationships with clear identities.

Moon in the 8th House

Moon in the 8th House: The Moon in the 8th house depicts an intense emotional deepness and transformation. The natives are intensely emotional, and a life of repeated and significant emotional rebirths is the norm. Intuitive, with a flair for uncovering the hidden truths both about themselves and others.The themes of power, intimacy, and shared resources often color their emotions. They experience emotional upheavals or crises that are meant to push them toward growth and evolution. This placement also indicates a strong interest in psychology, mysticism, or the occult because they are naturally drawn to the mysteries of life.In relationships, they need an intense emotional depth and are often fiercely loyal and protective of those they love. Their depth regarding emotions can make them jealous or possessive at times.Growth requires the acceptance of this emotional intensity as a strength. It means being released from control and trusting the process of transformation - leading to personal empowerment and healing in very profound ways.

Moon in the 9th House

A placement of the Moon in the 9th house links emotions with exploration, philosophy, or higher learning. These people often find comfort in the expansion of their horizon, whether they do it via travel, learning, or spiritually.They seem to have that restless and adventurous spirit, thus seeking emotional satisfaction through new perspectives and experiences. Their moods can be guided by their philosophies, leading to emotional expansion through philosophical and spiritual insights.Lovers prize intellectual and emotional independence in their relationships. They connect with companions who also love adventure and learning, finding their best match in relationships that promote growth and exploration.Growth for them involves a balancing between emotional independence and deeper emotional connections. By embracing the search for knowledge yet keeping their feet on the ground, they can build a more complete and well-rounded life.

Moon in the 10th House

The Moon in the 10th house links emotions with career, public image, and achievement. They usually attain emotional satisfaction through their professional life and the recognition they get from other people.Ambitious and duty-bound, many are deeply obligated to their mission and their public roles. Much of their emotions are involved with the functioning of their purpose and serving positively in a role for society. In balancing work-life issues, there would seem to be difficulties because it's usually expected to put one's public life first over private matters.They seek a partner in relationships who would support their ambitions and would join them in working towards success. Loyal and committed, they invest much emotionally in building a safe and secure future. Growth for them is learning to balance professional aspirations with emotional needs. Opening up to vulnerability, nurturing close personal relationships will help them reach a more holistic sense of fulfillment.

Moon in the 11th House

Moon in the 11th house accentuates that emotional fulfillment will come from friendships, social groups, and collective goals. The person strongly identifies with some community and usually finds satisfaction in working for an ideal or cause.They innately can feel the group dynamics emotionally and may be very nurturing or supportive in their social circles. But their mood may be influenced by the state of their friendships or the progress of their goals.They seek mental and emotional compatibility in relationships, and mostly get a partner who shares a similar vision towards life. They are open towards the world and include all kinds of people in their lives, being very social.For growth, they need to be careful not to lose their identity within the collective efforts they put in. A better balance of personal emotions and social commitments can bring more emotional stability and satisfaction.

Moon in the 12th House

The Moon in the 12th House makes for a person who is deeply introspective, intuitive, and connected with the subconscious and spiritual links. They would, therefore, have feelings on a deep emotional level and perhaps a high quotient of empathy along with sensitivity regarding the energies around them.They like being alone, finding emotional solace in spiritual activities, meditation, or creativity. Still, they may be plagued by secret fears or unresolved emotions, as the 12th house can bring challenges about the unconscious mind.

They are emotionally compassionate and caring within relationships. Sometimes, these individuals base bonds more on an emotional and spiritual level than others. Yet they struggle to speak of their emotions aloud; rather, they will usually internalize and work out emotions alone.In terms of development, the inner world that one conceals or represses has to be confronted and assimilated by such people. Only through such acceptance can inner power help a person in attaining emotional recovery and spiritual success.

All Aspects Of Moon

1. Moon-Sun Aspects

Conjunction: This aspect creates a profound harmony between the ego (Sun) and emotions (Moon), leading to strong self-awareness and emotional integration. These individuals are naturally aligned with their inner needs and external expression, making them intuitive and authentic in their interactions. This alignment also makes them subject to being biased, as keeping emotions and logic apart gets tough for them. Stressed mood swings are something they don't do pretty well, yet they have exceptional return abilities through self-analysis

Sextile: It surely forms a strong interdependence between personal identity and the emotional well-being of every individual. Accordingly, they are very talented people in creative and caretaker professions because the capacity to merge logic and instinct is so great. As a rule, this creates supportive relationships because people can show empathy towards others without losing a clear sense of self. Innately talented mediators bring warmth and balance to tense situations.

Square: Emotional and ego conflicts can build inner tension. These individuals often feel torn between their expression of emotions and societal or familial expectations. Emotional resilience is certainly tested under this aspect, but it also promises tremendous growth opportunities. Learning to balance personal needs with external pressures, they develop greater emotional strength. This aspect often drives ambition, as one works hard to overcome perceived shortcomings or insecurities.

Trine: This is a smooth connection between the Moon and Sun, bringing natural emotional balance and confidence. Consequently, individuals with this aspect tend to be charismatic, optimistic, and sensitive. They thus become magnets for positive experiences. Adaptation to circumstances is easy, and their emotional stability is an example for others to follow. Many creative talents also flower under this aspect because it promotes self-expression and harmony with others. Being intrinsically harmonious, this placement tends to make a person successful both personally and professionally.

Opposition: The emotional problems are connected with the sense of duality. There is often a felt pull between one's own needs and external roles, which can cause tension in relationships. These can indeed be very deepening influences toward self-awareness and emotional maturity. People learn to balance their inner and outer worlds, developing resilience and wisdom. Empathy can be highly enhanced with this placement, as they may understand the human emotions that most people experience. Personal growth may need to involve embracing vulnerability and finding balance.

2. Moon-Mercury Aspects

Conjunction: Moon-Mercury accentuates emotional intelligence and instinctive communication. They are very perceptive and can easily be writers, teachers, or counselors. But they might over-intellectualize emotions to the point of mental strain. Gives adaptability, quick thinking; they usually are good at solving problems. The emotional expression is direct, but they have to watch out that they do not intellectualize too much. When in balance, this is a bridge between heart and mind.

Sextile: This aspect helps one be articulate and clear with one's emotions, intellectually reaching out to others. People with this placement are always good conversationalists; they use words to heal or inspire. They thrive in social situations because of their warmth and adaptability. The aspect supports learning and creativity; thus, they are lifelong learners. They navigate life's challenges with emotional clarity and mental focus that help them build strong, meaningful connections.

Square: Under this aspect, many emotional and mental conflicts do happen. One will find it difficult to express and put into words what they have in their minds, often resulting in misconceptions. Overthinking emotions can create unwanted stress, while the tension prompts growth. They learn to strike a balance with feelings and reason, thus developing emotional endurance and mental clarity. This aspect often pushes individuals hard to develop better communication skills, thus fostering deep understanding of one's self and others.

Trine: This is the aspect of emotional and intellectual harmony. People with this placement in their birth chart are naturally empathetic and articulate, which easily draws them into careers that demand a high level of emotional intelligence. They learn fast and have a knack for understanding complicated emotional tangles. The trine stimulates creativity and flexibility, and they make great mediators. They can balance feelings with logic and usually succeed in personal and professional relationships. They naturally inspire trust and connection in others.

Opposition: Emotional needs may be pitted against those of the rationale, thus creating inner conflicts. These individuals often feel torn between following their heart and mind, leading to indecision. This tension calls for them to increase self-awareness and balance. Integrating their emotional and intellectual poles can help these people establish healthier relationships and navigate challenges with greater ease. In this respect, this aspect frequently develops much empathy because they will understand both the emotional and logical point of view. Growth for the individual often comes from harmony within this dynamic.

3. Moon-Venus Aspects

Conjunction: Emotional security and romantic satisfaction go hand in hand. They possess a natural flair for the nourishment of others and beauty around them. They are in touch with their emotions and may attract loving relationships with ease. On the downside, they may cling to close relationships for comfort and reassurance. They have a natural talent for creating peace and harmony around them and may find ideal careers as artists or caregivers.

Sextile: The aspect brings ease into emotional connecting and romantic relationships. Individuals with this aspect are caring and loving; they attract harmonious relationships with so much ease. Their creativity often finds an outlet in art or fashion. They intuitively know how to attend to the emotional needs of others, and that helps them form deep and meaningful relationships. This aspect also allows one to experience love and beauty on deeper levels, adding to emotional fulfillment and happiness.

Square: Emotional and romantic tensions can arise with this placement. Individuals may struggle to balance their emotional needs with their relationships, often feeling misunderstood or underappreciated. Issues of self-worth or fear of rejection may surface, requiring introspection and personal growth. However, these challenges foster resilience and teach the importance of setting healthy boundaries. This aspect often pushes individuals to explore what truly fulfills them emotionally and romantically.

Trine: The emotional and romantic energies blend well, creating a very loving and nurturing personality. The individual is naturally empathetic and easily creates supportive and harmonious environments. The relationships are very fulfilling, and mostly the people around them consider them emotional pillars.

Opposition: Emotional needs and relational dynamics may clash, leading to tension in partnerships. Individuals often feel torn between taking care of themselves and meeting others' expectations. This dynamic encourages growth through learning balance and compromise. While relationships may feel challenging, they also offer opportunities for self-discovery. Over time, individuals develop a deeper understanding of their emotional desires and how to harmonize them with their partners' needs.

4. Moon-Mars Aspects

Conjunction: This aspect is defined by passion and emotional intensity. Individuals are highly driven and usually respond with immediate, raw emotion. While this gives them incredible determination, it can also lead to impulsive decisions or emotional outbursts. They thrive in competitive or high-energy environments, funneling their passion constructively. Relationships benefit from their enthusiasm but may suffer from their fiery temperament. Learning patience and emotional control is key to harnessing this energy effectively.

Sextile: This is a good balance of emotional drive and action. The emotional drive to achieve goals inspires others and motivates them. Challenges are faced with assurance, and relationships are approached with energy and passion. They have the inner emotional strength to take risks and overcome obstacles with ease. A strong leadership potential and the ability to inspire others through their determination and emotional stamina are usually associated with this placement.

Square: There is a lot of emotional volatility and impulsive reaction under this aspect. One often feels torn between desires and emotional stability, and thus, inner tension arises. This can be a growth-promoting dynamic since it teaches one patience and self-awareness. The key to overcoming these problems and getting control of one's reactions is to find constructive outlets for one's emotional energies. This aspect may constantly challenge them to face and change their deeply ingrained emotional patterns.

Trine: This aspect is when emotional passion and confidence flow. People are assertive yet balanced, channeling their emotional drive into materialization. The enthusiast will often inspire others and make excellent leaders. This aspect will develop emotional stamina to face most situations with ease. They become dynamic and stimulating to be around because their emotional and physical energy is well-balanced, particularly in personal relationships and creative fields.

Opposition: There is tension between emotional needs and assertive wants. Individuals experiencing this may often feel torn between following impulse and maintaining emotional equilibrium. This dynamic promotes growth in learning to balance sensitivity with decisiveness. While relationships may feel challenging, they offer opportunities for developing greater emotional awareness. Through time, these individuals learn to channel their passion constructively, turning inner conflicts into strengths that propel personal and relational success.

5. Moon-Jupiter Aspects

Conjunction: Optimism, generosity, and emotional expansiveness mark this conjunction. Many people with this conjunction are extremely empathetic, having a strong desire to nurture and take care of others. They naturally radiate warmth that attracts positive relationships and opportunities. Their emotional generosity can lead them to overextend themselves or to expect too much from others. Learning healthy boundaries is the key to using their energies well. The conjunction also stirs a love for learning and spiritual growth and tends to create lifelong students.

Sextile: This placement brings about emotional growth and optimism as a matter of course. Many people with this placement are endowed with opportunities for success and emotional fulfillment. They radiate positivity and attract supportive relationships that help in mutual growth. Their nurturing nature inspires others, and they often excel in teaching, mentoring, or counseling roles. This aspect encourages them to embrace life's challenges with hope and resilience, helping them create a fulfilling and expansive emotional life.

Square: This aspect can have the problem of emotional overindulgence and exaggerated feelings. People often feel torn between their needs for growth and their emotional needs, creating tension. It can be a growing influence, though, as it will teach the value of restraint and self-control. The expansive nature is grounded to achieve more emotional stability and success. This position will challenge them to face their fears of limitation and embrace life with realistic optimism.

Trine: Emotions and optimism flow with great ease under this aspect. Individuals are naturally warm, generous, and inspiring to others, creating an attraction into their lives of many kinds of abundance. Their emotional intelligence and positive outlook make them wonderful nurturers and mentors. More often than not, they can find joy through creative or spiritual pursuits, using them to enrich the lives of their own and others'. This placement builds emotional toughness and a big sense of gratitude, helping them navigate life without much hassle.

Opposition: Emotional needs can be at odds with the urge to expand or explore. Consequently, these people may feel a sense of tug-of-war between their own personal needs and the higher aspirations that beset them. Nevertheless, this dynamic pushes them to find balance and become more aware of themselves. The emotional depth blended with the urge for growth will enable them to realize a greater harmony in relationships and other pursuits. This aspect brings out stamina and awareness of the inner and outer world.

6. Moon-Saturn Aspects

Conjunction: This is the aspect of emotional discipline and maturity. Carrying a sense of responsibility from an early age, this often weighs in their emotional development. They may seem reserved or cautious, but the inner strength is immense. They learn through challenges and setbacks, which foster resilience and wisdom. Relationships may feel restricted initially, but with time, they form deep and lasting bonds. Emotional growth comes from embracing vulnerability and balancing duty with self-care.

Sextile: The aspect helps an individual be emotionally stable and practical, building sound foundations in both personal and professional spheres. They are reliable, practical, and often excel in roles that demand patience and consistency. Their steady demeanor makes them excellent problem solvers, especially in emotionally charged situations. They attract opportunities to grow through meaningful relationships and structured environments. This placement supports long-term success by blending emotional resilience with practicality.

Square: This is an aspect that generally brings an emotional block and/or fear of vulnerability. There could be problems in expressing feelings, which lead to a person's isolation. Yet, these problems are the possibility of deep growth because they face their insecurities head-on and work through them. They often develop a strong work ethic and emotional endurance that helps them achieve stability over time. This placement teaches the value of persistence and self-compassion in navigating emotional challenges.

Trine: The emotional and practical stability with this placement is instinctive. People with this placement are responsible, self-disciplining, and emotionally stable, generally serving as an emotional anchor for others. They fare well within set structures, with personal and professional commitments to long-term goals. The whole calm and composed attitude toward life makes them command trust and respect in interpersonal relations. Success at leading tasks may also be achieved since this aspect supports one's emotional intelligence with great caution and foresight.

Opposition: The emotional needs conflict with responsibilities, which creates tension. A person usually feels torn between one's self and the demands of society or family. This conflict acts as a stimulus for growth through learning to integrate these opposing demands. The relationships may appear difficult but, at the same time offer great chances for profound emotional learning. Gradually, they learn to balance emotional depth with practical wisdom, finding harmony both within and without.

7. Moon-Uranus Aspects

Conjunction: Emotional unpredictability, a strong need for freedom. Individuals with such an aspect are super intuitive and inventive; their way is always somehow different from the ordinary. The mood of these people can be quite sudden or erratic, which may make them exciting but sometimes challenging to be with. They feel most alive in an ever-changing environment that gives them room for self-expression. This aspect stirs creativity and originality, yet it requires effort toward emotional continuity and grounding.

Sextile: The aspect brings emotional adaptability and a flair for innovation. Individuals thrive when they have to think fast and find their way out of a situation. Their openness to change enables them to go through life with ease. Relationships are dynamic and exciting, as one values freedom and mutual growth. This aspect often shows a high degree of intuition, enabling them to connect with others on deep and unusual levels. They inspire others with their originality and emotional resilience.

Square: Emotional turbulence and unpredictability may be the challenging factors of this aspect. They are often pulled between the need for stability and the need for independence, which creates inner tension. The challenges, in turn, make them grow as a person by learning to adapt to change constructively. They channel their emotional energy into creative or innovative pursuits, transforming chaos into strength. This aspect most often compels them to go in search of unconventional approaches toward emotional expression.

Trine: With this aspect, emotional independence and innovation seem to flow without effort. Generally, very intuitive, they inspire others through their originality and adaptability. They move through change with ease into their place within dynamic relationships that give them their space. The emotional intelligence and creative thinking make them natural problem solvers and visionaries. This placement can create a strong linkage to one's identity and help in building a purposeful and satisfying life.

Opposition: The emotional needs and a need for independence can come into conflict, and create tension. Such people find it hard to balance their stability and independence. The relationships seem difficult yet hold much scope for deep emotional fulfillment. Integrating their security needs with an innovative spirit makes them resilient and adaptable. This aspect stimulates the person to embrace change yet stay grounded; in this process, over time, they mature emotionally and grow more aware of themselves.

8. Moon-Neptune Aspects

Conjunction: This aspect is characterized by profound empathy, imagination, and intuition. Individuals are ultra-sensitive to the feelings of others and very much attuned to the collective unconscious. They will gravitate toward artistic and spiritual interests where creativity and compassion can be brought into play. They'll need to resist the urge to flee from or place unrealistic ideals on their relationships. It is through this process that emotional growth will come: grounding their dreams in reality and setting healthy boundaries, so their sensitivity becomes a strength, not a burden.

Sextile: This aspect can cultivate emotional depth and profound connection to the spiritual or artistic. They are compassionate, imaginative, and find their fulfillment in helping others. Their intuition is highly developed, guiding them in relationships and creative endeavoring. They naturally draw to themselves opportunities to express their emotions in deep and meaningful ways. It's a placement that supports emotional healing and growth through self-reflection and a connection to higher ideals.

Square: This can be an emotionally confusing or unrealistic aspect. People have to make very real choices often between idealistic yearnings and practical circumstance, which then causes them to become disillusioned. However, this sort of tension allows for personal growth, as it teaches one to weigh dreams against practicality. They develop emotional resilience through facing their fears and putting a ground on their vision. This placement inspires creativity, makes one explore one's self and compassion without losing one's sense of self.

Trine: This aspect brings emotional sensitivity and spiritual depth. People with this aspect are naturally compassionate, imaginative, and inspire others through their creativity and empathy. Many of them derive joy from creative or healing work as a mode of expression and connection. Their intuition is highly developed, helping them navigate relationships and challenges with grace. This placement brings about a deep sense of peace and satisfaction, for one is in line with their higher emotional and spiritual purpose.

Opposition: Emotionally idealistic, these are the people who will fight reality when idealistic; they often get caught between a dream and real life, where self-doubting is sure to take center stage. All the same, this sets in the spirit of development through the synthesis of intuition with grounded life processes. In these cases, the opportunities of relationships involve discoveries of self and emotional healing. After some time, they come out even and can balance sensitivity with practicality.

9. Moon-Pluto Aspects

Conjunction: This aspect defines intense emotions and profound transformation. There is an intrinsic emotional rapport that usually results in the transmutation of challenging situations, resilience, intuitiveness, and strong inner direction within life's complications. But they need to avoid becoming possessive or obsessive in a relationship. The placement brings them to emotional empowerment to regain their lost potential and heal old wounds. Very often, such a journey may influence others to take up the journey of transformation themselves.

Sextile: With this aspect, emotional depth and resilience are innate. The individuals are drawn to the trans-formative experiences that help them grow and heal. Gracefulness around challenges makes them a strength for others. They usually perform well in any role that involves empathy and emotional intelligence, like counseling or mentoring. This aspect furthers deep and profound connectivity, helping them create a fulfilling emotional life.

Square: This is a very emotionally turbulent aspect that usually brings power struggles and intense challenges. Fears of vulnerability or loss may be the enforcing factors for changing the inner patterns. These challenges will bring great personal growth and emotional resilience. The ability to empower themselves and create deep healing will be unleashed when they learn to accept their dark side and come into self-awareness. It calls for channeling intensity into constructive and transformative pursuits.

Trine: Under this aspect, emotional strength and depth flow with ease. Naturally resilient, intuitive, and transformative, these individuals inspire others through their way of dealing with life's complications. They thrive in deep and meaningful relationships, offering emotional support and understanding to those around them. This placement really furthers personal growth, helping them align with their inner power and higher purpose. Their emotional intelligence often leads to success in leadership or healing roles.

Opposition: Emotional intensity and external obstacles dynamically charge this aspect. A person may feel torn between wanting to be in control and wanting to connect on an emotional level. This dynamic promotes growth as one learns to find balance between these opposites. The relationships provide a venue for deep changes and self-realization. With time, they learn emotional resilience and profound insight into their own power that will enable them to create truly valuable and meaningful connections.

#astrology #astro community #astro observations #astro notes #horoscope #birth chart #persona chart #groom persona chart #briede persona chart #composite chart #natal chart #moon in astrology #moon in leo #moon in aries #moon in taurus #moon #sun moon #moon venus #natal moon

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totallyjustabunchofhocuspocus · 18 hours ago

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Fic: Vigil 1/4

Pairing: Buck/Tommy

Magical Realism!AU

Inspired by: THOSE pictures of Lou Ferrigno, Jr. You know the ones. I promise anyone who has seen that new photo shoot knows exactly which pictures gave me the wizard!Tommy brain worms

Okay, also, I'm going to ask you to trust me a little on this first chapter. This is tagged "chose not to use archive warnings" on AO3 for...reasons. It is also tagged angst and angst with a happy ending. I like to make things hurt. But I also tag accurately.

Read on AO3

Evan looked beautiful in the candlelight.

He always looked beautiful.

He’d been beautiful the first time Tommy had ever laid eyes on him—a cocky, headstrong kid, fresh out of college and convinced he was invincible. He’d flirted outrageously with Tommy, barely aware he was even doing it, as tempting as the brightest, sweetest fruit and every bit as forbidden. Tommy hadn’t been interested in playing with that kind of fire, and he’d steered them gracefully back from heat and innuendo, smoothing their conversations over into something that was easily excused by Evan’s gregarious nature.

He'd been beautiful a few years later when they crossed paths at one of the many charity galas Margaret Buckley was forever putting on. He’d held court in a small corner of the ballroom, new breadth to his shoulders, the cockiness tempered by genuine confidence, some of the rough edges of youth sanded down by time and experience (and according to local gossip, a few tours with the Peace Corps). The flirting had still been outrageous, all sly, flashing smiles and sparkling blue eyes that met Tommy’s over the rim of a champagne flute. The temptation was stronger that time. Tommy had watched him covertly all night, mesmerized, unable to keep from wondering how the planes of his shoulders would feel under Tommy’s hands, what that deeper voice would sound like wrecked and breathless, how those pink, pink lips would look stretched around his…

He had left the gala early that year.

Evan was still beautiful the year Tommy finally formally aligned himself with the Buckley family as their wizard adept—officially in charge of security for Buckley Industries, but far more entrenched in the family’s business than such a simple title. He’d been beautiful under the glittering chandeliers that hung from the ceilings in the Buckley mansion, laughing with his sister, his tie undone and hanging loose around his neck after the unbearably long banquet (supposedly held in Tommy’s honor—mostly held to rub the fact that the Buckleys were wealthy enough to engage the exclusive services of a licensed wizard in all of their business associates’ faces). He’d been beautiful in the multicolored lights of the over-the-top fireworks Philip Buckley had Tommy create for entertainment—more intricate than any professional Fourth of July display, naturally—once the champagne had been flowing for a few hours. He’d been beautiful in the shadows on one of the mansion’s many terraces, silvered by the moonlight as he tipped his whole body—bigger and broader and more solid, now, a self-assured man and not a cocky kid any longer—towards Tommy’s and teasingly wondered aloud why Tommy hadn’t asked him to dance yet that evening.

He'd been beautiful pressed up against an ivy-covered trellis and stretched out in Tommy’s bed and water-slick and flushed under the shower and every other way Tommy had ever seen him, all the days and nights that they’d managed to steal together since.

He was beautiful now, in gentle repose. The candlelight cast a warm, soft glow over skin that Tommy knew was pale and icy cold, caught the golden glints in his sandy brown hair and the fan of his eyelashes. He was dressed in one of Tommy’s favorite suits, his hands folded over his chest, still and quiet as they never were. He was so still.

“Oh, God.” The words came from directly beside him, and he almost startled, tearing his eyes away from Evan’s…from Evan to turn and look at one of the people he’d been dreading seeing the most.

Maddie Han looked as though she hadn’t slept in days. Her face was pale and sallow, her red-rimmed eyes sunken into her face. The stark black dress she wore—immaculately styled, but hanging loose on her, as though she had already lost weight—made her look even paler than she was, and she held onto her husband’s hand with a white-knuckled grip that looked painful. Howie wasn’t complaining, though, just standing silently beside her and staring at the front of the small chapel. His eyes were filled with a quiet devastation that very nearly matched the depth of Maddie’s.

“He looks like he’s just sleeping,” Maddie whispered, tears welling up in her eyes and spilling silently down her cheeks.

“He’ll—” Tommy broke off, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat. God, he’d known this was going to be hard…he’d known that. He saw now, though, that he’d been a fool to think he’d be able to prepare himself in any capacity for how hard. “I called in some favors for the…the preservation. He won’t—he won’t look any different. Not until we…” He stopped; took a deep breath. Maddie quietly let go of Howie’s hand to reach over and take his, and it was almost his undoing. He closed his eyes against the sight of Evan lying so still.

So, so still.

Maddie was wrong, was the worst part. He didn’t look like he was sleeping. Evan was never still when he slept—Tommy knew from experience. Nearly five years of experience, now. Evan tossed and turned, pressed himself close as he could to Tommy’s side, threw a leg or an arm over Tommy’s body before he ever settled, as though he needed to be touching Tommy at all times to be content. The delicate skin of his eyelids twitched and trembled with his dreams, his lips parted with sighs and half-murmured words. He was never so…

Fucking.

Still.

“I’m going to…” Maddie started, taking a half step towards the dais Evan had been laid out on, surrounded by candles and flowers. So many flowers. There was a meadow’s worth of flowers surrounding him, their sickly-sweet scent swirling through the candle-warmed air. Evan would have hated it. Howie moved to follow his wife, but she shook her head minutely, looking back at him with teary eyes as she squeezed Tommy’s hand and then let go. “Just give me a minute alone with him?” Her words trembled, catching on the ragged edge of a sob, but her back was straight and her head held high as she walked toward the dais, the click of her heels echoing dimly off the stone floor.

Howie scrubbed his hands over his face, letting out a shaky sigh. When he turned to look at Tommy, Tommy wanted to flinch away from the sympathy and sadness he saw in his friend’s face. He’d been faced with so many different expressions in the last few days—anger, recrimination, wariness. But the pity was the worst. It burned like acid against his skin, like drake fire, like hellhound blood. He could take anything but the sympathy.

“How you holding up, man?” Howie asked gently. So, so gently, and Tommy didn’t deserve it. Didn’t deserve any of it. He couldn’t hold back the bitter snort, swallowing back all the words that wanted to spill out like bile. Howie winced at the sound.

“How do you think I’m holding up?” Tommy asked quietly, his shoulders slumping as he focused on Evan again. So quiet. So cold.

So still.

Howie’s hand landed on his shoulder. “Yeah, sorry…stupid question.” He pressed his lips together. “Has Eddie gotten anything else out of the fucker that did this?”

Tommy crossed his arms over his chest, forcing himself not to shrug out of Howie’s gentle grip. Evan wouldn’t want him to push his friends away right now…especially since that friend was also Evan’s brother-in-law. He looked down at the floor of the chapel, tracing a minute crack in the old stone that had been there for who knew how many years. There were at least four generations of Buckleys buried in the family crypt under his feet.

In three days’ time, he was meant to take the love of his life down there to join them.

He looked up at Howie again, and he knew his face was as stony as it had ever been on any combat mission he’d ever flown. “Plenty. By the time Eddie’s done with him, he’s going to wish he’d never been born. And then I’m going to talk to him.”

Howie was silent, but a grim sort of satisfaction flashed through the sadness in his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak again, but was interrupted by a harsh, wrenching sob from the front of the chapel. Instantly, they whipped towards the sound in time to see Maddie sink to her knees, clutching one of Evan’s limp hands to her chest. Howie’s whole face crumpled at the sight, and he rushed forward without another word.

Tommy stood frozen, his chest tight, his magic burning through him, fists clenched so tightly he felt his nails break skin in a few places. All his power, all his magic, years and years of training and education…and he couldn’t prevent this. He’d sworn his service to this family, and he couldn’t protect Maddie from this heartache. He couldn’t keep Evan’s parents from inviting a snake into his life, hadn’t realized the man’s true intentions in time to prevent…this. He knew in his heart that Evan wouldn’t see it that way…but he’d failed. He’d failed in his duty. Failed to keep the man he loved, the man who was his everything, safe.

He'd failed.

It was nearly midnight before the chapel was empty. Philip and Margaret had secluded themselves in their rooms. Howie had at last prevailed upon Maddie to rest. Eddie had quietly slipped in to pay his respects a few hours earlier…and give Tommy an update on what he’d been able to learn from the man currently locked up in the mansion’s basement—bound in chains Tommy had enchanted himself and guarded by three of the nastiest spirits that owed Tommy favors.

Daniel was en route, due to arrive by plane early tomorrow morning. He’d been in Beijing for most of the last month, overseeing a merger Buckley Industries had been working on for the better part of two years. Philip had absolutely forbidden Daniel to disrupt the negotiations…even for this. Tommy sincerely hoped the deal was worth it to the man, because he was pretty sure Philip had burned every remaining bridge he had with his older son in one fell swoop. The magic that bound Philip and Margaret’s children to their parents’ decisions was old and strong…but it was not infallible. Philip was going to discover that, and soon.

But that was for tomorrow.

For tonight, he had sworn to Maddie that her baby brother would not be left alone in the dark.

Even if she hadn’t begged him to stay with Evan, an act of God couldn’t have pried him from this small, stone building. He closed the outer door, at last shutting out the world that had done everything possible to break him in the last month. Closing his eyes, he pressed his hand against the heavy wood, his magic sinking into the door and spiraling outwards. To the average eye, nothing happened, but when Tommy opened his eyes again the door was crisscrossed with lines of magic that burned like live embers.

Nothing and no one would be disturbing Evan’s rest. Not while he breathed.

Finally, he turned toward the dais and slowly walked toward it.

Evan looked peaceful. There was no trace of the pain that had contorted his face as he clutched his throat, gasping and choking for breath as he collapsed into Tommy’s arms. No trace of the bloodied spittle that had bubbled from his lips as he convulsed before his eyes rolled up in his head and he went so terrifyingly limp and still. For the rest of his life, Tommy would remember that moment. He knew he’d be seeing it in his nightmares for years to come.

Sal had done a good job with his spells. He was the only other wizard Tommy would have ever trusted with this…with Evan. He could have done it himself, but this kind of magic was intricate. Delicate. He honestly did think he could have woven it half as well; not in his current state. He could feel the shape of the magic laid over his love’s body, but it was not glaringly obvious. Just as Maddie had said, the illusion was perfect.

Slowly, hesitantly, he reached out, running a gentle hand through Evan’s curls, tracing his fingers down his cheek. Cold. So cold, and so still.

He hadn’t thought it would hurt this much. Stupid. But he hadn’t thought it would hurt this much.

He gathered one of Evan’s cold hands up and pressed it against his cheek, closing his suddenly burning eyes and just breathing. The candles flickered over Evan’s face in soft shades of warm gold.

He looked beautiful in the candlelight.

#bucktommy #911 abc #911 tv show #evan buckley #tommy kinard #evan buck buckley #shameless self promotion #mywriting #buck x tommy #tevan #kinley #bucktommy au #tevan fic #bucktommy fic

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treatbuckywkisses · 3 days ago

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this took me WAY too long to read and it's nobody's fault but my own

Fifth upon a time (I'm sad this is not ringy at all)

"She gave you about an hour before the hatch in the floor boards opened, even though for you, it was much longer. She didn’t know that, though. You sat very still, your breath finally silent again. Maybe she didn’t know you were in here." - THAT IS SO SAD WHAT THE FUCK I DID NOT EXPECT SADNESS IMMEDIATELY

some real life good advice from strange ??? Where am I rn 😲

SHUT UP HE GOT COFFEE 😭🥹

""You know me, doc," you answer, letting the power crackle again ever so slightly. It’s a thrill, getting to feel it again. "Careful’s basically my middle name."" - LIAR LIAR IM EXCITED SHES PLOTTING SOMETHING

""What are you doing?" He doesn’t sound annoyed at all; more entertained. You take a step back, assessing, but his face doesn’t betray him whatsoever. " WE'VE BEEN MADE 😭

"Oh, you hate this. " - this interaction feels flirty and I'm ready to start yelling

STOP BRINGING UP THE FLOOR DAMNIT IT HURTS

"But you stop talking, because he’s already taking a tentative nip of yor drink, and then he licks his lips. And they curl slightly upwards." - this has me so soft ??? He likes her coffee order I'm so ?????????? UGH ?? HE LIKES HER FUCKING CODFEE BRO

"And then you realize what’s really happening, and the world chokes, like something falling into place." - I am the world and I am choking up .

GOD THE WAY THEY LOOK AT EACH ITHER AND YALK FO EACH ITHER UOU ARE SO BAD IM SO HSHSKSHAKHS AND YOU FUCKING MSDE THEM HOLD HANDS OHMYHFO ARE YOU JOKING RIGHT NOW

"You’re going to fix this mess you’ve created, if it’s the last thing you do." - this is slightly worrisome (I'm scared of you)

LITERAL CHILLS for the whole ending sequence my God do you know how to write 😍 you're insane I hate this story

How do you have me so emotional with some grand idea and some click clacking on a keyboard you have such talent i want to scream forever about

time after time [5]

series summary: After what starts out as a fairly normal mission, you find yourself stuck in a time loop. Which would already be bad enough in itself if it didn’t also mean having to watch Bucky die over and over again.

pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader

word count: 10.9k

chapter warnings: nothing except the usual ones; another panic attack near the end; the riveting resolution of the coffee side quest? please note that my blog is rated 18+. minors dni. ageless/empty blogs will be blocked without warning.

a/n: after my week of technical difficulties (got shadowbanned, had a breakdown, bon appétit), this chapter finally made it to tumblr as well. thank you so much to everyone who reached out, it's meant more than you know!! <3 this one starts out fairly harmless and then i threw some punches again and for that i apologise

series masterlist | main masterlist | read on ao3

five: carousel

The first mission they took you on was nothing short of a disaster.

It should have been simple, was simple, a quick extraction to get a microchip from this decimated group of criminals operating out of an abandoned toy store that Nat had discovered through one of her contacts. You were only supposed to tag along to get a feeling for being out in the field, an additional pair of eyes just in case things went south.

Did they ever.

Not only was the chip accidentally destroyed, your ensuing panic got you stuck for a good twenty minutes until the world started spinning again. Steve fell down a full flight of stairs when you reappeared out of thin air next to him the moment it did.

Needless to say, you went into hiding as soon as you got back to the Compound.

She gave you about an hour before the hatch in the floor boards opened, even though for you, it was much longer. She didn’t know that, though. You sat very still, your breath finally silent again. Maybe she didn’t know you were in here.

"I know you’re up here, Y/N."

You pulled the cape off your head with a sigh. Natasha grimaced.

"Don’t do that, I’m not talking to a floating head," she said with a shudder. "You know how weird that is?"

You huffed and let her pull the fabric into her lap, watching your own limbs reappear, your arms hugged around your knees. She sat down next to you, leaning against the wall with her eyes closed. You watched a spider scatter away from you.

"How did you even find me?" you asked quietly after she made no further attempts to speak to you.

"My sister had a similar hiding spot when we were little." You could hear the smile in her voice as she said it. "And you kicked up quite a bit of dust."

She didn’t elaborate on either of those things and you didn’t ask, even though you wanted to. Anything that could get your mind off what happened.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Yeah," you said dryly. "That’s why I’m sitting in the supply closet."

"That’s exactly what I told Steve." Your face fell again, but hers didn’t. "He’s alright. Or he will be, once he forgives me for laughing at him for five minutes."

That didn’t make you feel any better. "I fucked up today," you said softly, your voice still rough.

"You didn’t do anything wrong."

"I did, though. I literally froze as soon as things went wrong, and the chip—"

"Is expendable," Natasha interrupted calmly.

You shook your head. "I only mess everything up for you guys. I’m not a real agent, and my powers just make things worse, and I should just—"

"Do you realize that this thing you were given can be a gift?" You cringed and started turning away, but Natasha reached out for you, a gentle hand on your arm. "I mean it. You think every time you’re unable to use your powers is your personal failure, but you don’t see how every time you are able to use them is precious."

There was a delicate hue to her green eyes, a weariness that was visible even in the dim light of the closet. For the first time, you had the feeling she let you see something she usually wouldn’t.

"Our lives … they’re hard," she went on. "Unpredictable. We live on borrowed time. And you get to have more of it. That’s …" You waited for the words you’d heard before. Invaluable. Instrumental. Priceless. "Beautiful."

You swallowed hard. "Is that why you took me on? For the team?"

Nat looked at you for so long you were almost sure she wasn’t going to answer your question. Then, she said, "I took you on because you needed a reason to get up in the morning."

You stared at her, your nails digging into the palm of your hand until it hurt more than the ache in your chest. Natasha kept looking at you as she continued.

"I lost a lot of people over the years, you know. But never like this. Never this many at once. Something like that …" She trailed off, her eyes wet. "The entire planet was grieving and struggling and blaming us, because at that point hardly anyone understood any of it apart from the fact that the Avengers were involved. And then one day, out of nowhere, a letter materialized on our doorstep, and the security cameras didn’t show a thing." Her grip on your arm tightened, as if she needed to steady herself. "Do you remember what you wrote?"

I’m sorry for your loss.

You’d struggled to put it down for days, because how else could you apologize for something you might have been able to prevent had you only been there instead of hiding? In the end, you’d only added your name and the address of that diner in Brooklyn where you picked up a few shifts after their waitress had been blipped.

You’d gotten a call less than twenty-four hours later.

"You were the first person to say that," Nat continued, because she could see the memories flit across your face as easily as others watched a movie. "And yet, when you got here, you looked as guilty as if you’d personally murdered every single one of the Vanished."

"Well, if I’d been with you—"

"Stop it." For the first time, her voice was sharp. Your mouth fell closed. "We’re all trying to do better, right?"

You could only nod.

"That’s all anybody here is ever going to ask of you. And sometimes 'better' is just getting one hell of a kick in during a mission. Don’t think I didn’t see that."

You smiled ever so slightly. "I have a pretty good teacher."

"Yeah, you do." She shoved your shoulder lightly. "You can’t do more than show up and do your best, honey."

"My best looks like a dead possum next to yours."

"Then stop looking at me." Natasha got up to her feet slowly, patting you on the knee when she did. "Unless it’s for a post mission wind down because I have a movie queued up and I know where Steve hid the cookies."

"Can I have my cape back?"

"Nope." She folded it up with the green side out, letting it hang loosely over her arm. "You’re supposed to use it to hide from your enemies, not your friends."

You didn’t attempt to argue further, warmth rising to your cheeks.

"Nat?" She turned again, halfway down the hatch, caught by the emotion in your voice. "Thank you."

Her smile told you that, as always, she understood.

*****

There simply isn’t a world in which you can do this even one more time. It’s too much.

"You need to sort out your priorities," Sam says, zero sympathy in his voice. Bucky has the audacity to look amused.

"I’m serious," you say, looking between the two of them. "My day is bad enough already. I don’t care where we order, but it’s not going to be Italian unless you want me to puke on your cat."

Over the past couple of weeks, you’ve eaten your way through the entirety of your pizza place’s menu. If you have to smell the rank cheese Sam likes to order one more time, you can’t be held responsible for your actions.

"How about sushi?" Bucky says, and you almost start protesting out of habit before you realize that for once, he’s not arguing your side. You turn to Sam with an expectant grin.

"Fine," he grunts, shaking Alpine off his trouser leg as gently as he can while his nose twitches. "I guess Russian Doll has the right to choose his last meal."

Bucky frowns at him, but you gasp in delight. "Are you finally joining us in dark humor land, Sammy?"

He flips you off wordlessly as he leaves the room and you chuckle to yourself, pulling up the sushi menu on your phone. Alpine starts nibbling on the bandage around your foot that’s stretched out on the couch and you wiggle your toes a bit. It seems to entertain her.

"What," you ask when the staring becomes unbearable.

"Nothing."

When you lift your gaze to meet Bucky’s, his jaw is clenched again, his eyes fixed on you with a distant expression in them. You tilt your head, and he lowers his.

"So what’s the plan?"

You send your part of the order to FRIDAY and put your phone to the side. "I have to get back to Strange to figure out how to stop this loop from happening again."

You’ve almost felt sorry to see your series of library heists break, even though you have no reason to feel his way. This is progress. Strange’s offer to help has been genuine enough so far, even though you hate paying him in answers.

Now that he’s not deliberately keeping you out anymore, getting to the astral plane has been a lot easier, at least, even though emptying your mind enough to cross over without a prior emotional breakdown has still proven somewhat difficult. Weirdly, it’s easiest on the couch.

Bucky nods shortly. "And what do I do?"

"Whatever you want."

He scoffs. "Right."

It makes your insides twist. "Bucky, as much as I hope that today is the last time we’re doing this, I can’t guarantee it. So you should just, I don’t know, enjoy yourself." You cringe even as you say it.

"I wanna come see Strange."

You blink, watching him clench and unclench his fists slowly, deliberating. The golden parts of his arm gleam in the sunlight. "Why?"

His voice, when he speaks, sounds haunted. "I can’t just sit around and do nothing."

Something in his voice sticks with you as you lie down on the couch and stare up at the ceiling. You’re not even sure if what he’s asking is possible.

"No, it’s not," Strange says bluntly. "Not as long as you’re in the loop."

"Why not?"

"Stop asking questions and focus."

With a roll of your eyes, you raise up your arms again. So far, you’ve spent most of your so-called lessons trying to make sense of the cryptic texts Strange makes you read and then summarize like you’re in fifth grade. If you’re not doing that, you’re talking him through the events of your July 4th, or explaining your powers to the best of your abilities, going through the motions and habits you’ve taught yourself over the years. It all feels like you’re revealing something very personal for someone else to judge.

You don’t care much for any of it.

"Again."

"Is this supposed to teach me something new?" you ask, turning your thumb and first two fingers upwards again while your other hand balls into a fist by your side.Threads of sunlight glittering like spun gold. You take a breath and shake your head.

"Do you feel anything?"

Annoyance. You bite your tongue and reach out, carefully, like you would to a scared animal, searching for that old familiar feeling.

It takes a while.

Dim, at first, but clearly there, vibrating deep in your veins, hesitantly stumbling towards your hands like it was suprised, too, to be called upon again. Softly glowing embers slowly filling the void you’ve grown so hopelessly accustomed to.

You open your eyes to find the tiniest green spark dancing across your fingertips and almost laugh in relief.

"Interesting," Strange says.

You flick your fingers softly, once, twice, letting the spec of power grow until it’s the size of a pinhead, cradling it softly with your other hand as if to protect it from a gust of wind. Slowly, bit by bit, it settles back into your skin, and you feel it tingling all the way up to your ears.

Strange contemplates you for a long moment. "When did you get that cut?" he finally asks.

At this point, you should be used to his unfazedness. "Yesterday," you say, the 'obviously' clinging to every syllable. Riff was putting up a better fight than usual; or maybe you’re getting sloppy again.

Strange moves his right hand in that circular motion you’ve seen him do before, and the air in front of you cracks. It’s weird to see your own slightly translucent reflection suspended in the middle of your room. The gash on your cheek has barely had the chance to scab. You subconsciously reach for your necklace again.

"Look at the wound, and hold your hands like this."

You try and mimic Strange’s gesture. "I feel ridiculous." Like a mime. Or a really bad stage magician.

"Good," he says. "Now focus your powers, and follow my lead."

You watch Strange move his shaky hands out of the corner of your eye while trying to concentrate on that little spec of power you’ve felt earlier. Slowly, itchingly, the wound starts knitting itself together, as if it’s been healing for days. The skin smoothes over as if nothing had ever happened.

A rush of excitement goes through you at the sight, and there’s a stutter. With a flash of pain, the cut tears up again and you flinch, your hands falling.

"Fuck."

"I told you to focus."

"Well, if only saying it made it happen," you snap, then try again. This time, you let go of your power more carefully, almost coaxing it down. The gash doesn’t heal completely, but at least it looks better than what you started with. Strange watches you closely, brow furrowed deeply in thought.

"Let’s try something different," he says, and with another flick of his wrist, the mirror vanishes again. "Sit down."

You bristle at the command, but obey. A sidelong glance confirms that your sleeping body’s cut on the cheek has somewhat improved as well. There seems to be something connecting the two of you after all.

"When is this here, anyway?" you ask.

Once again, he doesn’t give you an answer. With another quick movement he grabs something through a small portal and throws it at you without any regard to your reflexes. You grab it off the bed incredulously.

"That’s … a meditation CD."

"Congratulations," Strange says. "You can read."

"You’re not serious."

"Deadly." He unfastens his cloak, which flies over to drape itself over the reading chair like a blanket, and then joins you on the floor, crossing his legs as well. It’s bizarrely casual. "If you don’t learn to focus," he continues, "there’s no moving forward from this point."

You huff, holding the CD out for him to take back. He doesn’t. "I’ve tried meditation," you say impatiently. "It doesn’t work for me. My mind—it doesn’t work for me."

"Your mind what?"

"It’s too loud."

You put the CD on the ground with a little too much force, moving to twist your rings around again, but they’re still absent. Your nails dig into your skin, instead.

"Did you know I don’t really forget stuff? Did I tell you that?" You laugh humorlessly, because what else can you do. "Fun side effect of the traveling back and forth through time. I always know where I’ve been and what I’ve done, and what everyone else has done while I was there. All that information is in my head, all the time, and I can’t get rid of it."

"All the more reason to have it quiet down every once in a while," Strange says calmly.

You want to strangle him.

"Believe me, I’d love nothing more, but I can’t. It’s not like I’m a computer and you can do the whole 'Hello, this is IT, have you tried turning it off and on again?' It doesn’t work like that."

"You do know a lot about how things don’t work."

"Welcome to my world," you mutter, flexing your fingers and crossing your arms before you draw blood.

Strange sighs. "Your mind isn’t a hard drive. No matter what your powers entail, your brain is still human. And it needs to rest every once in a while."

For some reason, in the middle of this whole crazy situation, that thought settles. Maybe it’s because it’s possibly the first genuinely kind sentiment he’s shown you so far. Maybe you’re just tired of pushing.

"How?" It’s more a croak than a question.

"Just stay like that and breathe." You look at him incredulously and he raises an eyebrow. "What? No one said you have to think nothing. It’s fine if you just sit there with your thoughts."

There’s a short pause. "That sounds terrifying," you admit quietly.

Strange considers you for a long moment, as if he’s contemplating what to say, until he finally admits, "I know."

***

You blink awake slowly this time, as if gradually awakening from a deep sleep. The TV is on again, quietly chattering in the background, and a weight on your legs tells you that Alpine has found a new spot again.

A glance at your phone shows that surprisingly little time has passed. When you sit up, the white cat on top of you complaining loudly, you can see Sam leaning against the kitchen counter, laptop closed, talking to Sarah on the phone.

The fact that you’re not alone quite yet is weirdly comforting.

In a moment of sleepy contentment, you reach out to scratch Alpine under the chin like you’ve seen Bucky do countless times. Curiously, she lets you without immediately extending her claws. At least for a moment.

"You’re awake."

Immediately, Alpine loses interest in you and jumps onto the backrest of the couch to nestle her head into Bucky’s palm. You roll your eyes.

"Keen observation, sarge."

He slowly peels his gloves off, not quite looking at you. "What did he say?"

Right. There was that.

"Nothing, to be honest," you say, folding up the throw blanket Sam must have put over you while you were sleeping. "Apart from the fact that he really can’t actually do as much as one would think."

"Can’t, or doesn’t want to?"

You shrug. "Same difference."

Despite everything, somehow you feel inclined to believe that there really isn’t a way to get Bucky to the astral plane, though. After all, things haven’t been normal ever since this loop began; and since you’re the only one who can lift it, maybe that also means you’re the only one who can do things like that.

You can only hope that at some point, something—anything—you do is going to stick.

Bucky studies your face, but doesn’t tell you whatever is still clearly gnawing at him. You don’t know why for a moment, you thought he would.

It reminds you of something you haven’t asked in a while.

"Is there something you want to tell me?"

His mouth opens, but he doesn’t speak immediately. "Like what?"

"It’s just …" You struggle with the words, as if your mind is still half-asleep. "In some of the loops, it was kind of …" You trail off when you notice he’s holding something in his other hand. "Did you go get coffee again?"

Bucky clears his throat. "Yeah. I thought since you didn’t get one earlier, ya know …"

You’ve stopped getting caffeinated drinks for yourself in the mornings to make it easier to get to that voidlike state you need to be in to enter the astral plane. It’s been making you rather irritable; though, truth be told, that might also be due to Strange’s charming personality.

"That’s nice," you say, reaching for the paper cup with your name on it, taking a sniff before tasting it carefully. It’s perfect. "I should change my habits," you say lightly, "if Lucy knows my order even if I don’t pick it up myself."

"Who’s Lucy?" Bucky says, sitting down on the couch next to you.

You stop yourself from rolling your eyes. "The pretty one on register? Stars and stripes on her cheeks?" He hums noncommittantly and you decide it’s not worth the effort. "What did you get?" you ask with a nod to the second cup.

"Just … coffee."

You squint to read the sticker, but he puts his fingers over it in a motion so smooth it almost hides its defensiveness. There’s the slightest hint of a grin on his face as you scowl, trying to catch his sleeve to get him to twist the writing back in your direction. Your thumb grazes cool metal and you still. Bucky does, too.

"Did she actually give you her number?"

Your laugh comes out through your nose, somehow, as if it’s not much more than a breath. The expression on Bucky’s face doesn’t quite fit his widening grin, or the slight tinge of pink on his cheeks, but you couldn’t say why.

"So?" he says. Alpine stares at you accusingly, settling in his lap once more.

"Nothing!" It comes out quickly. "I’m not surprised. I mean, she thinks you’re hot."

His eyebrow quirks. "Does she, now?"

You take a gulp of coffee so large it makes your eyes water. "Her shift’s probably over by now. You should call her."

"Why," Bucky says wryly.

"To take her out." Should you be weirded out by the fact that this is happening as soon as Bucky entered the store without you? You tug at the ring on your pinkie.

"Why do you want me to take her out if I’m gonna die later?" Bucky asks.

"Well, it might take your edge off for one."

"And why does my edge concern you?"

"Have you met yourself?" You shrug, your ears drumming. "Besides, it might be fun."

He doesn’t look at you as he takes a sip from his own coffee, as if still determined not to let you see his reaction. "You have a strange definition of fun."

Alpine yawns as if to agree. You stand up abruptly, suddenly nauseated from drinking too fast.

"I’m just gonna …"

Again, you don’t finish your sentence, and Bucky doesn’t stop you from grabbing your takeout containers and taking them with you to your room, where you stare at the toilet for a good minute, waiting for the queasiness to pass. Your meet your own gaze in the mirror.

The cut on your face looks better than it did a few hours ago.

You walk back into your bedroom and take a critical look at your bookcase.The Wind in the Willows is back in its place where it belongs. What isn’t there is the CD Strange finally managed to force upon you.

The rules of this multiverse crap are going to give you another migraine on top of your current one.

You sit down on the floor next to your window to eat, but your cheek keeps itching until you notice yourself tapping your chopsticks against the plastic container so hard soy sauce is splashing everywhere. With a displeased twitch of your mouth, you reach for your phone.

It rings for a very long time and you realize it’s already past midnight in Seoul when finally, there’s a voice on the other end.

"This better be good, agent Y/L/N."

Her voice is quiet, tired, and you press the phone to your ear even harder. "Can I ask you a hypothetical question?"

Doctor Helen Cho sighs deeply on the other end of the line, and you can almost picture her leaning back in her ergonomic office chair. "Alright."

You toy with the edges of the building scab on your cheek. "Is it possible for someone to go through physical changes and … not go through them at the same time?"

There’s a pause on the other end, followed by a sigh. "Are you asking me if Schrödinger’s cat is real or not?"

A living being that simultaneously is and isn’t dead? That’s a paradox you have an answer for.

The problem, as always, is you.

"Sort of. I don’t know." You bite your lip.

"You realize quantum mechanics is not exactly my specialty, right?" Even while she says that, you can hear the clicking of her keyboard. "You are talking about a body, I presume. A human one?"

"Mhm."

"And the changes?"

You think of the cut and the writing and Bucky’s blood on your sheets. And your changed clothes. "They’re only to the body itself. Everything around stays the same. Pretty much like Schrödinger’s cat, I guess. Nothing about the box changes." Ever.

There’s another pause before Helen speaks again.

"Look, as far as I know—and with all these new and upcoming aliens and superheroes and so on that have been appearing over the past couple of years that’s less and less, mind you—but as far as I know, humans can only be in one state at one particular time. There’s ways to accelerate healing processes or even meddle with the body in other ways, but it’s still an either–or scenario."

"So, it’s impossible?" you ask, biting your cheek.

"It’s improbable, based on what I understand." Time has definitely started to bleed into itself, then. Great. "But like I said, that’s not really my area of expertise," she continues. "Speaking of, though, I got an e-mail from your new captain earlier."

"You did?" you ask, surprised. Sam hasn’t said anything to you, not today or any other iteration of it.

"You can tell him I’m hearing the same things he has," Helen says. "My lab wasn’t approached, but I have a colleague at a partner institution who left for Madripoor a couple of weeks ago."

You’ve barely thought about ULTIMATUM and their experiments since you laid everything out for Sam and Bucky earlier this morning. Another wave of guilt flashes through you.

"I’ll tell him," you say tonelessly. "Thanks, Helen."

"In this hypothetical of yours," Helen says before you can hang up. "Who’s the observing party?"

You watch the green symbols circle around your wrist, once, twice, three times. "I’m not sure yet."

You stare at them for a while longer after the call disconnects.

"There’s nothing to observe when the flow of time is reduced to a single day," Strange says when you relay the question to him the next day, his voice dripping with annoyance.

"So there would be, usually?" you ask, eyes narrowing as you try to channel the flow of your powers into the palm of your hand, like he’s told you.

"It’s not a perfect comparison," he answers. "The cat is only dead or not because time passes. Time is only our way of perceiving space dimensionally."

"Time and relative dimension in space," you hum with a light smile. Your palm starts tingling. "But if it’s not that, either, then … I still feel like there has to be something I’m missing here."

Every single review of the mission fills in another piece of the puzzle, the map of the lab you draw on the whiteboard growing more and more detailed each day, but still, it’s never enough. You miss the way Steve would draw out detailed building plans and escape routes before any mission, such ease to the stroke of his pen; your own talent for drawing is borderline abysmal by comparison.

The green shimmer around your hand dissipates again. Strange groans, fingers massaging his temple like he, too, is getting a headache from this stupid realm. His cloak wipes a bead of sweat from his forehead.

"What you’re missing," he says through gritted teeth, "is the point of this exercise."

"Enlighten me," you snap back.

You watch him take a deep breath before he answers. "Do you, or do you not realize that this isn’t all about you?"

You huff. "If you say something like this is the universe imparting a message upon me, I got that point. The message is that I suck at what I’m doing."

"If that’s the message, then how come you’re not the one who’s really getting knocked around every single day?"

The anger and remorse that wash over you make your power flare up like a bolt of electricity, your fingertips and the dark of your eyes flashing an eery shade of green. You can feel the little hairs in the back of your neck stand up. Strange only looks at you, his expression unexpectedly somber.

"At least he doesn’t remember," you say tonelessly.

Strange smiles, but there’s no joy in it. "Indeed," he says.

The rush ebbs off, bit by bit, and you blink to get rid of the last of the strange double vision you sometimes get when time stutters again.

"You keep telling a man he will die today because you think that’s best for him," Strange goes on. "Better than him getting to choose his own path. Have you ever paid attention to how he spends his last precious hours once he knows?"

Of course you have. Sitting around in the Tower, going over mission plans again and again. Getting coffee. Lurking in doorways, leaning against walls, thinking, talking, looking.

It’s all time spent with you, and Sam, and Alpine.

It’s weird that you shouldn’t have realized this fact when in the beginning, you kept wondering about the time he came back to the Tower. Because before you’ve started telling him, Bucky always left.

Maybe that’s what you’re missing.

"Careful," Strange says, noticing your change in expression.

"You know me, doc," you answer, letting the power crackle again ever so slightly. It’s a thrill, getting to feel it again. "Careful’s basically my middle name."

***

"Doesn’t matter," Bucky says when you ask him what he’d be up to if you hadn’t told him about the loop.

"Oh no, leave me out of this. That’s his thing," Sam says when you ask him about the whole thing, and he so clearly knows what it is and yet refuses to tell you.

"None of your business," Bucky says when you press the matter, his jaw clenched tightly, and you hate to do this, but you don’t exactly have limitless options here. Besides, it’s the first new idea you’ve had in a while, which means there’s an almost moral obligation for you to go through with it. And still.

This feels wrong, you think when Sam comes to knock at your door and you throw on your gym clothes, pulling the sweatband over your wrist tightly.

This feels wrong, you think when you climb into the ring as if nothing had ever happened, as if this was just a normal day. Your side is still a little sore, but you’re able to play it off as a scratch with ease. How would he know to call you out on it?

This feels wrong, you think when you close your eyes as you lie on the mat and wait. You promised.

"You look like shit."

Your head turns like muscle memory. "Hey."

"Hi." Bucky’s eyebrow raises at your silence, but you’re not sure if the words aren’t just going to come bursting out of you. You have a tell. "You alright?"

Your grin tastes just a little bitter. "Why wouldn’t I be?"

"Right." He doesn’t quite believe you, of course, but it’s fine. You can do this.

You turn your gaze back to the ceiling and try to recall the very first July 4th, the version of you that you were. She resists you slipping her back on, but you take another deep breath, just like you’ve been practicing. A chuckle slips free.

"Fuck you, Barnes."

Your heart is still beating fast in your chest, but he must chalk it off to the training, because you can hear him huff. "There she is."

You close your eyes with a petulant sigh, just in case he can see your conscience written all over them. Again, you remind yourself that you tried asking him, that you tried everything else, that this is the only option you can think of right now.

"You’re horrible." It’s more like talking to yourself out loud, but of course Bucky doesn’t know that. And the sad truth is, he’s used to your temper.

"Take the towel on the right, I already used the other one."

You give an affirmative hum, waiting until you hear the door close behind him. Then, you rush to the showers, wasting no time to get ready and dressed again.

Bucky walks out the door of the Tower at precisely 09:43, a fact you know thanks to the time stamps on the security footage from the lobby you had FRIDAY pull up early on in the loop. This leaves you with a pretty small window of time to clean up, add another line to the tally on your thigh, and get back to your room to grab your stuff without making what you’re doing to obvious to either him or Sam. You have FRIDAY call up the elevator with barely a minute to spare, going down to the second floor and quickly heading towards the stairs. Behind you, the elevator dings once.

You basically sprint downstairs, readjusting your backpack. You almost barrel into the fire door, peering through the window into the lobby after another glance at your watch. Only a few seconds later, you can see Bucky walk across the entrance hall, the usual resting scowl on his face as he looks around once and then ducks out the side door.

You tug the cap you found at the back of your closet deeper into your face and start after him.

This feels wrong, and it’s a terrible idea, you can’t help but think as you watch him head down Lex, hands stuffed into the pockets of his leather jacket. His strides are long, but unhurried, and even though you know he’s the furthest thing from vulnerable, the fact that you’re seeing him unguarded like this doesn’t sit right with you. Nevertheless, you continue.

You expect him to head for the subway, but instead, he turns left after the Chrysler Building, going east. With a slightly confused frown, you briefly join a group of clearly lost tourists to cross the street and follow him back up Third Avenue. At least there’s just enough people around to make it easy enough for you to hide in a crowd, you suppose.

You’re going to follow him, and find out what he’s up to, and then you’re going to see if and how it all connects to this stupid loop.

Easy as that.

It’s about an hour and a half later when you seriously start cursing Bucky’s name. Inexplicably, he’s still just walking around the streets of Manhattan like a fucking peasant. Your clothes are sticking to your body in ways you don’t care to describe, and you’re sick of having to pretend to be interested in shitty Independance Day memorabilia and battered paperbacks on sale while trying to avoid eye contact with the people trying to sell them to you.

You’re also pretty sure you’re walking around in circles.

Letting your head fall into your neck, you blink up into the bright sunlight from underneath the shade of your cap. As always, there is not a single cloud in sight, a perfect Friday in July. It’s making your eyes burn.

You glance back at Bucky, who has continued walking after taking a look at his phone, and sigh. All of this would be so much easier with your powers.

"What on earth are you up to," you mumble to yourself as you watch him take another left.

You count to ten before rounding the corner as well—and then you yelp when you almost slam into Bucky’s chest.

"What are you doing?" He doesn’t sound annoyed at all; more entertained. You take a step back, assessing, but his face doesn’t betray him whatsoever.

"Going on a walk," you try cautiously.

"Yeah, right." He tilts his head, features despicably neutral. "Why are you following me?"

"I’m not?" He stares at you, and you groan. "Fine. I just wanted to see where you’re going?"

"Why?" There’s an edge to his voice that you can’t quite make sense of, but your thoughts tumble right over it, scrambling for an excuse and coming up empty. The glint in his eye is distracting.

"Because …" Because you don’t know what else to do at this point. "I don’t know, I was just curious."

Bucky raises an eyebrow. "That’s a lot of dedication when you could’ve just asked."

You look at him doubtfully. "So you’d have told me?" you say, already knowing the answer.

"No." He puts his hands back into his pockets and turns around, leaving you standing there staring at his back.

"Well, there you go then," you shout and start to follow along again. You take the stupid hat off with a sigh and stuff it into the backpack, wiping sweat off your forehead. "How long did you know I was there?"

Bucky shrugs. "About when I got outside."

"Seriously." He stares at you over his shoulder. "Seriously?!"

"You came down the stairs," he says, shaking his head. "And in a Yankees cap."

"So?"

"Don’t tell me you suddenly like baseball."

"I might like baseball," you mumble. "It’s a very fine … ball sport."

He snorts. "Sure ya do. I’ll remind you next time the game’s on."

"Circling back," you quickly change the subject, "why the fuck did you make me chase you halfway across Midtown if you knew I was there anyway?"

"It was funny." The shit-eating grin spreading on his face surprises you so much you stumble over your own feet. His arm extends to stop your fall if necessary, as if on instinct. "You know," he continues, "I thought you’d lost me on Times Square. Almost asked one of those guys in costume to help you out."

You slap his hand away. "You’re the worst, Barnes."

"And you’re a shit spy, time powers or not." The smile changes, but stays. Somehow, you’re glad.

Your fingers twitch inside your own pockets, your thumbs tracing along your rings. "So," you say, suppressing the nervous chuckle. "Where are we actually going?"

"Don’t know yet." Bucky turns his head to look out for cars before he continues walking. It takes you a second to match his pace again.

"What do you mean, you don’t know."

"Well, I had to cancel my plans because I got an amateur stalker on my heels."

"Wow." You squint at him and the blinding sunshine behind his head. "And you’re calling me stubborn."

"To your face? I would never."

Oh, you hate this.

"So we’re actually just walking around town for the hell of it." And you’ve done all of this for nothing.

"Yup."

The realization that you wasted yet another day by thinking you could be sneaky around Bucky almost takes you down a spiral, and you don’t even notice he’s still talking to you until he ducks his head to catch your eye. "Huh?"

"I said I’ll buy you a coffee. Think you might need it." He pauses. "That is, if you wanna."

"I could always go for coffee," you say, and it’s true. First, though, you should tell him. Rip the band-aid off and get it over with. "Listen, I—"

But then he looks at you, his eyes impossibly blue in the sunshine, and for the first time in weeks, you don’t have to deal with that damn preciousness in them, because he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen, and so he just looks at you like he has a thousand times before, the normalcy of it like a breath of fresh air after his eyes have dragged you under again and again.

How come you’re not the one who’s really getting knocked around every single day?

Maybe it’d really be a kindness to spare him the news, just once. It’s still so early.

"What?" Bucky asks when the silence stretches.

You think of the ever unchanging Tower and the neverending pizza delivery and the fact that you hate this. You hate lying to him. You do it anyway.

Just once.

"I thought of something, but it doesn’t matter now," you say. "We have time."

***

"Are you gonna tell me what’s up with you?"

You pretend not to hear him, shuffling the straws around in their container until they look a bit more orderly. Even though you’re not working, even though this isn’t even your store, it’s hard to shake the need to feel useful. Particularly if you’re trying to ignore Bucky’s gaze burning into your neck.

You’re saved by your name being called out because your coffee is ready. For some reason, you half-expect him to swoop in front of you and take the drinks himself, but of course he doesn’t. Why would he?

With a shake of your head, you rid yourself of the ridiculous thought and hand Bucky his coffee without looking at him.

"You know," you say, stepping out of the crowded Starbucks into the sunshine. "I have a blanket somewhere in here." You point at your backpack. "We could try to fight for a spot in the park."

There’s a pause, and then Bucky sighs. "What else do you have in there, anyway?"

"Spy stuff."

You don’t expect him to find that funny, but he snorts slightly. Then, like a habit he can’t break, his gaze falls on your hands again.

"I’m just tired," you say wearily before he presses the matter.

"You should try the floor," Bucky says. "If you can’t sleep."

It helps, sometimes. "I’ll keep that in mind."

You take a sip of your coffee and scrunch your nose when you realize it isn’t what you ordered for yourself; it’s what you ordered for him. In your haste to change the topic earlier, you must have switched the cups.

"Sorry," you say, "this is actually—"

But you stop talking, because he’s already taking a tentative nip of yor drink, and then he licks his lips. And they curl slightly upwards.

He blinks a few times, as if he’s as surprised as you are, and tries again, less hesitantly this time. Then he looks at the writing on the cup. "Wait," he says, frowning, "I think you’ve got mine."

Your mouth closes, then opens again. "How do you know?" you finally say. "They both have my name on them."

"Yeah, but you always get the same thing," Bucky says, as if him knowing your order couldn’t possibly be news to you.

"It’s fine," you say when he tries to hand you your cup back. "Maybe I should try something different sometimes."

Bryant Park is already bustling with people, and it’s just about noon. The little green tables are all occupied by chess players and chatting families, the carousel horses manned with happily shrieking children.

Still, you find a place to spread out your blanket near the edge of the lawn, almost within talking distance of the Public Library’s security guard, who is currently on his first smoke break. You demonstratively sit down with your back to him. If ever a man took his job too seriously.

"Aren’t you hot in that?" you ask doubtfully when Bucky uncomfortably sits down opposite you, the collar of his leather jacket pushing up.

"'Course I am," he answers, not elaborating.

You let your eye roam through the park. "Terrible news," you say dryly. "Not a single person is looking at you, Sergeant Cool."

Bucky shakes his head, not looking at you.

"No one cares," you say, more sincerely this time. "Even if they did, they’re not gonna say anything. And they’ll have forgotten about you tomorrow."

He huffs again. "And you’re wonderin’ why I call you stubborn."

"I thought you didn’t do that to my face?"

He pulls his gloves off, throwing them on the blanket between you with his eyebrow raised. "Happy?"

In the bright sun, his left hand is gleaming, the inlets reflecting the light in a way that makes it dance across the cotton like swirls of pure gold. You smile and lean back, closing your eyes.

You don’t come to this park often, even though it’s not far from the Tower at all and it’s easier than returning to Central Park with all the memories it holds and that have turned more bitter than sweet after everything. It’s the same as with the library, you suppose. Sometimes you don’t even know you’re missing something until you find yourself in the middle of it.

It might have been a Saturday, you think, the last time you were here. What a concept; Saturday. You sit with the thought for a while, and then you let it drift away, just like you’ve been practicing.

It’s such an unexpected feeling, to get to experience this moment of quiet reprieve when lately, most of your time in this loop has been spent studying, or training, or fighting. You already know you’re getting another talking-to if you don’t return to the astral plane at all today; but it’s just the one day. Surely, you can be allowed one day.

Your brain craves it more than anything.

When you open your eyes again, Bucky is contemplating your backpack with a frown so oddly different than the one you’ve gotten used to in previous loops. He seems so … It takes you a while to come up with the right word, because somehow, it makes you think of Alpine, and that doesn’t make any sense at all. Comfortable. He seems comfortable.

His shoulders are relaxed, his jaw unclenched, and even though he’s still wearing the jacket, his eyes aren’t flitting around to assess everyone within sight. His head tilts slightly.

"Are you trying to see through it?" you say, and the dryness tastes wrong on your tongue.

Bucky nudges the backpack with his foot. "Just wonderin’ what you thought you were gonna be up to."

"I like to come prepared."

"Since when?"

Well, ever since resetting has kind of stopped being an option whatsoever. "This isn’t gonna turn into one of your 'constant vigilance' talks, is it, Moody?" you say lightly.

He looks at you again, and you’re not really sure if that’s better or worse. "You’re deflecting, doll."

"Well, what do I know!" you say. It’s worse, definitely worse, but you don’t know why. "You might have been off on a covert mission or visiting a secret girlfriend or buying a beehive to put on the roof or—"

He unzips the backpack. "So you brought a blanket, a baseball cap, binoculars and a banana?"

You try to bite your tongue, but it’s impossible. "I was kind of set on the bee scenario."

Bucky laughs.

Genuinely laughs. His nose scrunches up, his eyes creasing and his head thrown back a little, shaking with a quiet and almost childish glee as you blink at the unusual sight. It’s over almost as suddenly as it began, but … still. A warmth spreads from your chest to your cheeks as you watch him, your own smile almost hesitant by comparison.

Joy looks good on him.

It leaves a twinkle in his eye even as the laughter subsides, like specs of sunlight.

"What?" he says, his mouth still twitching.

"You seem happy." And it’s astonishing.

Bucky shakes his head slightly, and if you didn’t know any better, you’d think he’s blushing. "No need to sound so shocked about it."

"You sure?" you ask, your voice cracking only a little. "I feel like I need to call an ambulance."

"Shut up."

"Or Area 51. I think you might’ve been swapped with an alien doppelganger." You sit up properly. "Tell me something only the real Bucky would know. Oh, wait. He wouldn’t have told me, either."

"You are the most dramatic person I know, you know that?"

"You’re one to talk, Sergeant I Need Nobody’s Help, I Will Jump Out Of A Plane Without A Parachute."

"So many rank drops today."

"Now who’s deflecting?"

"I take calculated risks."

Except he doesn’t even know his calculator is broken.

Bucky stares at you. "What’s that even supposed to mean?"

You didn’t mean to say it out loud. Not today. Your fingers twitch automatically to take it back, but of course, nothing happens. Nothing apart from his attention being brought back to your black rings.

"What did you do?"

The concern in his voice is quiet, but it’s there nevertheless, and it makes your heart ache, long desperately for it to go away, to be replaced by the joy that was there mere seconds ago. You want to make this day stop, make the world stop so you can continue living in that ease of just sitting here and laughing together without thinking about anything else.

And then you realize what’s really happening, and the world chokes, like something falling into place.

For a moment, you can’t breathe as you look at him, whole and confused and missing parts he can’t even remember leaving with you, and you feel as though your heart might stop because the only thought running through your head is Please, not now. Not now. Not now. Every single beat is an echoing no inside your mind.

You are so fucked up, you think, but you can’t find it in you to stop looking at his face, nearly flinching as you shove the feeling all the way down, down, down, until you can feel it like a brick in your stomach. It’s nauseating, like the vertigo you get at the very top of a roller coaster just before the car drops into freefall.

"Y/N?"

"I don’t know," you say tonelessly. He must have noticed your face change, he must have. So why doesn’t the frown deepen?

"Liar." Your heart is still pounding so loud he must hear it, even over the racket of children screaming in delight and cars blowing their horns in the distance.

Concern, you think again. Exact same thing that you see mirrored on Bucky’s face right now. You're concerned for your friend.

Roommate, really.

Colleague.

Guy you sometimes work with, professionally.

Exactly. That’s it. That has to be it.

You’re in deep enough shit already.

He’s still waiting for you to say something and you can hear the blood rushing in your ears, the buzzing in your head getting louder, and the only thing you can think to say is, once again, "I’m sorry."

Before Bucky can answer, his phone rings, and there’s the flicker of annoyance you’ve been waiting for.

"Hold that thought," he says. "Sam?"

Your heart sinks as Bucky presses his phone to his ear, reality catching up with you again. You try to rearrange your features into a neutrally curious expression when he glances back at you, but you’re probably failing horribly.

"No, I’m good, I didn’t end up going.Yeah. Alright."

You clear your throat as he hangs up. "So. Sam’s about to give his big speech then?"

Bucky looks bemused. "I’d hope not. That was hours ago."

"What?"

Confused, you look at your watch. Then you look at Bucky’s watch. Then you look at your phone.

Even though you can’t have been sitting here for more than thirty minutes, every clock you look at tells you it’s past 4 p.m. Confused, you twist your rings around your fingers, one by one, but they’re as pitch black as ever, and yet somehow …

"Should we go?" you ask, your voice just a little pitchy.

Bucky gazes at you for a very long moment, and then gets up to his feet and holds out his hand to pull you up. He still hasn’t put his gloves back on.

You take it.

"You’re really off today," he remarks and you hum noncommittantly as you fold the blanket back up and unceremoniously stuff it into the backpack. He shoulders it himself before you can grab it. "You’re just gonna complain again," he says, even though the Tower isn’t that far.

You don’t say anything, though, just trudging behind him without a glance back.

Probably because of the time of day, 42nd street is packed. You watch Bucky pass through the crowd with his head downcast and his hands back in his pockets. If it’s been a struggle not to get separated from him earlier this morning, it’s near impossible now.

He looks over his shoulder when, for the third time, several people have pushed between the two of you, and you shrug helplessly as you try to catch up to him. Again, you can’t help but think this would be so much easier with your powers working the way they’re supposed to; just stopping everyone else for a second while you move past them.

"Sorry," you mumble when you reach him waiting for you at a crossing. All of a sudden, you feel how tired you’ve been for a while.

"Wanna just go home?" Bucky asks.

"That’d be nice," you say, cringing at the thought of having to change immediately once you get back. Sam is probably already impatient.

Bucky’s mouth twitches. "Don’t make this a thing."

And then he takes your hand again and links his fingers with yours as if he’s done it a thousand times before. The light changes to green, but you don’t move, and Bucky softly tugs to get your attention. His hand is solid and warm in yours, and it does nothing to ease the feelings of unease and contentment that mingle in your stomach with his touch.

Neither does the fact that as soon as the crowd disperses and you slowly, reluctantly let go of his hand, he steps out into the street with his head half-turned to you and—well.

You wake up with a start to the sun in your face and FRIDAY blasting The All-American Rejects at full volume, and it’s like the air is getting knocked out of your lungs.

After that, the days start to blur.

***

"Why would it have anything to do with the mission?" Strange asks, and you can’t decide whether he sounds condescending or genuinely confused.

"Because it’s never happened before then, maybe?" you say, throwing up your arms. "I don’t know!"

"The loop is tied to you, not the other way around. If Sergeant Barnes has only ever died during the mission before today, the only other variable in that equation is you."

His cloak curls at the seams in a way that’s almost apologetic. What a stupid thing to say about a piece of magical fabric, you think.

"Great," you huff, sitting down on the ground and crossing your arms in order to not shake violently. "So first time’s skipping and now if I spend time with him, he’s just gonna die earlier?"

There’s a pause as Strange frowns. "Show me your wrist."

You press your lips together tightly and hold out the arm with the swirling green symbols. Strange examines it with a particularly grim expression.

"Just say it," you mutter when it becomes unbearable.

"Time is a precious thread in the fabric of the universe," he says, dropping your hand. His silver eyes are very serious. "You don’t get an endless supply of it."

"I literally do," you reply, flourishing your wrist demonstratively. "That’s the whole problem."

"No." Strange shakes his head. "Your reality is going to collapse if time can’t move on from where it’s stuck. Not today, not tomorrow, but it will happen."

You stare at him with wide eyes. "What does that mean?"

"It means, no more distractions. Things are detereorating more quickly than I’d hoped." He sighs, and there’s something about his demeanor that lets real fear course through your bones for the first time in a while.

"Okay," you say, swallowing it down. "Let’s do some overtime, then."

"I’m afraid that’s not how it works. Look at her."

You glance at your sleeping body, stirring in her sleep.

"You asked when this is," Strange continues. "That’s the thing with this version of the astral plane. It’s unstable. It only exists between dreaming and waking, and so our time here is very limited. You are then, and now. Past and present and future all folded into each other and wrapped into one. The nature of time doesn’t like this."

"So, what?" You laugh humorlessly. "I go through an endless day, and then reality crumbles anyway?"

"Do you understand now why it’s so important that you get a grip on your powers?"

Because you’re the one who created the loop, and therefore the only person who can untangle it again.

"So no pressure then," you say tonelessly.

"All of the pressure, I’m afraid," Strange says grimly. "There’s really no time to waste anymore."

***

"When we live such fragile lives, it’s the best way we survive. I go around a time or two, just to waste my time with you."

Your head has started pounding to the beat of the song and Sam’s fist at your door, but you keep staring at the ceiling, unmoving. It all just starts over.

Even this godawful song.

"Tell me all that you’ve thrown away. Find out games you don’t wanna play."

You must admit, the universe has a certain sense of cruel humor. Not that that’s any news. It doesn’t fucking matter what you do any of these days, because the outcome stays the exact same, and there’s a moment each and every time where Bucky knows that, too. Only by then, it’s too late.

"Geez, I hate you."

You’re so tired.

"I know, Buck."

Fade to black. Back in with a blast and the sun in your face, FRIDAY blasting The—

"I’m coming in," Sam finally shouts from the other side of the door. "You better not be naked!"

You hear him enter, but you still don’t move. You’re busy replaying that look on Bucky’s face in your mind of the exact moment it goes wrong. It looks so pale, his mouth twitching downwards, a bit like with his coffee, but much more devastating.

Black out. Rewind. His eyes are on you, not even on the white jacket shooting him.

Black out. Rewind. The fingers on his metal hand grasp so tightly around your wrist you feel something move underneath your skin.

"What is going on with—Y/N!" You feel Sam rushing to your bedside in three long strides.

Right. You’re still covered in blood.

You can’t look away from his eyes until the last second. Black out. Rewind.

"FRIDAY, turn this shit off. Call an ambulance."

"Calling 911."

The sudden silence slams you back into the present with a start. "Cancel call," you say loudly, your voice only slightly shaking. "I’m fine, Sam."

"You don’t look fine!" He helps you sit up, looking you up and down, a sense of urgency still vibrating in his every movement, but of course, you’re not bleeding. "You look like you just shot a man and then rolled over."

"You’re not wrong," is all you get out before you start crying.

Black out. Rewind. God, you’re pathetic.

You shrink back from his arms, cradling your wrist to your chest. It’s starting to swell.

And yet, the green symbols swirl.

You’re not sure why you’re reacting like this now, after … you’re not sure. It’s not like this is your first time. Does that make you an even worse person? Probably.

Sam is talking to you, you recognize his voice, but you can’t focus on the words. You’re desperate to find something to focus your attention on, like you’ve been trying, training, grasping to do, but you’ve got nothing. Just numbness, a gaping nothingness, and the scars to prove you’re not just stuck in a nightmare but this is in fact your reality, and you are the only thing that remains while everything else resets in an endless cycle of hell, over and over and over again.

Nothing stays.

And you can’t help but feel like you’re running out of time, anyway.

This is ridiculous, you know that. You know you’re worrying Sam out of his mind, that you just need to focus, damnit, take a breath, stop crying, anything. Your incompetence to do any of these simple tasks is like another slap to the face.

Time passes, and doesn’t pass; it doesn’t matter at all whether you’re there for a minute or six hours, it’s all the same to you.

Through the fog of it all, Bucky’s voice is like your lighthouse.

And you despise yourself for it, even as you reach out for him.

"Hey," he says quietly, his hands rubbing circles into your back until he slowly, carefully pulls you out of your head back to earth. "It’s alright. Everything’s okay."

He says it over and over and over again until you nod slowly. It’s a pretty lie, after all.

"What happened to your wrist?"

You know what you have to do, but that concerned undertone makes it so hard. You’re still not used to it, but you want to be. Fuck, you want … No.

It doesn’t matter.

"I need to tell you something," you whisper, barely loud enough for him to hear. "One more time. And then … Then that’s it."

You have to do this. Have to close yourself off emotionally. Distance yourself from Bucky in order to stay rational about this situation and find your way out. Treat this like you’re not involved at all; like this is just another puzzle for you to solve, and nothing else.

It’s the only way.

You’re going to fix this mess you’ve created, if it’s the last thing you do.

*****

"If we die here tonight, I’m blaming you," you told Steve through chattering teeth, and he laughed at you. If you hadn’t still felt bad about his bruises—no matter that they’d already healed completely again—you might have kicked him in the shin.

You’d reached the point of wanting to kick Captain America on a concerningly regular basis.

This time, though, you felt completely within your rights, because you’d been training hard all week, and thanks to New York being just about the most disgustingly freezing place on the planet if they asked you, you really didn’t see the point of driving into the city to a random ice rink. Particularly not on an evening in early January when it was already dark outside.

"You’ll be warmed up in no time," Steve said and waved at Nat, who was already waiting for the two of you, the hood of her sweatshirt pulled up so the red roots of her hair stayed hidden.

"Couldn’t we have done this at the lake?" you asked, looking around wearily. The crowd was substantial.

"Sure," Nat said and put an arm around you. "Do you have about fifty friends we can invite so we can properly train your powers around other people?"

You grimaced. "There are children everywhere."

"Oh, yeah. Some of them went home early, but most opted to stay when I told them Steve would drop by."

You groaned. Of course they were Natasha’s Blip orphans; they had the same mischievous shimmer in their tired eyes. "Thanks for that, Nat."

"You’re so welcome," she answered, patting your shoulder. You narrowed your eyes when her coat shifted to the side.

"Is that my hoodie?" you said.

She looked down as if she hadn’t noticed what she was wearing at all. "Yeah, I think so."

"I was looking for that everywhere earlier!"

Natasha merely shrugged. "It’s your own fault for leaving your stuff in the dryer for anyone to take."

"Don’t pay attention to it, she does it to all of us," Steve said, putting an arm around her.

"That is not true."

"It is. You’re like a clothes hoarding dragon."

"Did you just call me a dragon?"

You didn’t listen to the rest of their bickering, because your eyes had started to water, and not because of the cold. It’d been a long time since you’ve felt this warmth inside, this feeling of belonging, of, well … family. It made your powers pulsate through your veins soothingly.

Still, the worry came back when they gave you a helmet and knee pads to wear.

"I’m a travesty on skates, but it’s not this bad," you told Natasha again when you shakily followed her to the rink entrance.

"We’re here to train, not to have fun," she said, taking your hands. Of course, she moved like a dancer even on the ice. "Well, both," she amended when you looked unconvinced. "Oh, don’t look at me like that, it was Steve’s idea."

"Then why is he sitting over there doing nothing?"

"He’s got the day off." She pulled you to the side of the rink. "Here’s what we’re gonna do," she said, pointing to the far end. "I’m going to close my eyes and you’re going to guide me straight through the middle to the other side."

You stared at her. "You’re insane."

Natasha ignored you. "One straight line, you tell me when to dodge someone. We’ll go slow."

"I don’t know how many times I can jump."

"It’s not exactly a life or death situation, Y/N. I can survive a few bruises and so can the kids."

"I’d rather not injure a child if you don’t mind," you say, trying not to sound hysterical.

"And I’m confident that you won’t. Do you trust me on this?"

You met Nat’s calm gaze and took a breath, even though the knot in your stomach tightened. "Fine."

"Such a vote of confidence," she snorted. "Just watch what they’re doing, and keep it in mind. Think of it like a dance recital. It’s all just a sequence of steps in a specific order."

You bit the inside of your cheek and nodded. Natasha closed her eyes. "Ready?" you asked.

She smiled. "I love this song."

You could barely hear the music over the thrum of adrenaline, but you supposed that was her way of saying yes. This’ll be the day that I die.

You pushed forward.

chapter six

thank you for reading!! you can follow my library blog @intrepidacious-fics for update notifications 💚

#time after time #nika <3 #i hate you (affectionately)#and i hate this story #(i dont)

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