#to consolidate the value of her music to just her identity

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In this essay I will explain how BTS have a sneaky way of dropping truth bombs on us during songs by writing flirty melodies and lyrics which divert our attention from their actual intent in making the song. 

Example: Boy With Luv

I’m not saying BWL isn’t a love letter for ARMY. But BWL is not just about BTS’s personas as Army lovers: it’s really a reconciliation between BTS and Army.

Back in 2018, when BTS were going through a tough time they wrote songs like Fake Love and TTU. The members have since talked about how, in that period, they questioned their decision to become idols. The answer they found was Army. But Army was also the reason why they were thinking of disbanding. In Fake Love, that “you” which caused BTS to lose their sense of self and become someone else was us (not only us, but the industry and BTS themselves probably). Our love for BTS was, to them, “fake” because they couldn’t show their true selves and had to work to the point of exhaustion to satisfy us (this was their decision ofc, but that’s not the point). At that time, the support BTS got from ARMY and the impact they had on us was a bit forgotten. That’s why, imo, in LY: Answer they focus on the value of being idols, which lies in their ability to entertain, comfort, and impact us in a positive way (their UNICEF campaign and “love yourself” message was part of it).

Following their triumph in 2018, came in 2019 an album meant to resolve their inner conflict. If the LY era was an exposé on the ups and downs of being an idol which ended with a decision to embrace their identity as idols and their influence over us, the MOTS era was about consolidating the resolutions made in 2018 and finding a balance between Idol, Fake Love and DNA eras (imo, LY: Her portrayed an unhealthy yet addictive love affair that was beginning to lose its shine).

This brings me back to my original point: BWL is more about accepting fan love than loving the fans (”You’re making me a boy with luv” implies a process, almost a decision; they’re choosing to love and be loved by the fans without feeling burned by it).

In BWL, RM reveals BTS’s true intentions:

I'll tell you frankly Sometimes I was a little stuck up Elevated sky, expanded halls Sometimes I prayed, let me run away But your pain is my pain When I realized that, I vowed to myself With the wings of Icarus you gave me Not towards the sun but towards you Let me fly

RM is explicitly telling us that the pressure of performing for us, and meaning so much to us, made BTS feel like they were flying towards the sun. We gave them wings to fly, but they were flying away from us - away from their connection with us, from the purity of making music for people to enjoy - and towards self-destruction. However, BTS reconnected with ARMY when they realized they were doing it all for us, and that they sincerely wanted to help us. 

In BWL, BTS are coming down from their high to look at us in the eye. They’re rediscovering their love for us by welcoming us into their lives again. I’m not saying they ever stopped caring for us, but I think they had some mixed feelings about us that got resolved (lately, they’ve been very open and warm towards ARMY which I think supports this idea). 

[jena19810230-blog]

2 Others Hurt In San Francisco

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YoutubeMp3.As we speak Fastest Youtube To Mp3 Converter Downloader No Popups

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[gotatext]

hullo everyone, i’m nora, i’m 22, from the gmt timezone, and i love gillian flynn w all my withered heart. below the cut is info on my latest baby frida parrish. LIKE THIS and i’ll hit u up for plots xo

       ( kristine froseth, cis-female ) did you hear how FRIDA PARRISH is applying to columbia university as a CLASSICAL CIVILISATION major ?! the 20 year old is living in the WALLACH HALL. i heard that they got in because they are + MAGNETIC and + TENACIOUS, but honestly i think SHE can be -DOUBLE-CROSSING and -FANCIFUL. they’re a real SYRABITE. oh well, only time will tell if the SOPHOMORE will make it til the end.   + a bubble of pink gum on chapped lips, pouring over leather-bound volumes in a library, bloodstains on the insoles of pointe shoes.

BACKGROUND.

—  born in vermont and lived there til she was about eleven, but then her family moved to new york for her dad’s job. her dad is kind of famous. a big shot art dealer. he actually got so well connected in the art world by creating forgeries of famous works when frida was still really young, but once he had enough money and contacts, he decided to follow a more legal and reputable path and now he just deals legit art rather than fakes. —  her parents, mara dagney and richard parrish met doing a fine art cause at nyu. richard was raised in the uk, one of three cambridge-born brothers. mara grew up on a ranch in new mexico. they met in freshers week and were basically inseparable after that. —  pretty soon after graduating, her parents realised there was very little money to be made taking art commissions in a little new england town, and plenty of competition, so they began forging famous works and selling them to collectors for thousands.  —  when frida was a born (her brother two years her senior, a nuclear family), her parents were still involved in forgery. the parrish kids were taught that people and places were temporary with suitcases permanently packed for the move. they were raised on the fluidity of identity and taught to be resourceful and wise rather than school-smart. phillip was never as resourceful as frida, but he was incredibly learned when it came to literacy and numeracy, and a bit of an art prodigy. —  when frida (affectionately referred to as ‘fox’ by her family because of her auburn hair – it stuck) was nine and phillip (’pippin’, after the broadway musical lmao her mum is lame) was twelve, the family ran into some trouble, managed to bribe an officer to stay quiet, but had to move from burlingdon to new york, to start a new, legal life. —  mara retrained as a grade school teacher. richard opened up his own arts collective space and coffee shop. within a few years, her father had a really large collection of rothko’s, pollock’s and johns’, and began to appear on a tv show where he would value and auction paintings. frida and phillip attended a public new york day school, where frida took up flute, lacrosse and ballet.

PERSONALITY.

— both her parents had Large Personalities, so frida’s never really been shy around adults, even as a kid she’d speak to them in a forthright, confident manner, and because she was always surrounded by adults, she’s always seemed a bit Wise Beyond Her Years. — very much a consolidation of every character in the secret history. has a morbid longing for the picturesque at all costs. obsessed with w.h. auden and the beat poets. — ”aestheticism is the only thing worth pursuing and even that is pointless”  — is majoring in classical civilisation. can read ancient greek and latin. also speaks french. — studies hard and plays hard. she gets top marks but it’s because academia is literally her life, she loves the smell of libraries, the ancient smoke of learning, of feeling like old wine in a new bottle reincarnated from the bones of some old, dead witchy woman who invented a cure for cowpox or somethin. — isn’t a foward-planner, however. frida prefers to leave her options open, play the field, live in a spontaneous manner so her study style is mostly cramming a few days before a test, or staying up all night writing an essay on a massive adrenaline boost powered by red bull or probably adderall, scribbling (or typing) furiously into the night. — pretentious motherfucker. LOVES poetry, especially the romantics, loves morbid ones too, edgar allen poe, sylvia plath, allen ginsberg, she just loves them all. can’t get enough. her favourite films are like…. wanky artfilm independent european cinema. especially french new wave. “what do you think of goddard’s work??” while snorting a line off someone’s sink at 5am on a school night, but you can bet she’ll make it to that 9am class. — very Intelligent and Beautiful and knows both of those facts. vocal feminist. soapbox sadie. Very Passionate about Issues. plays devil’s advocate. humanitarian, vegan. — judgemental but takes great care not to appear so. — just wants to be Loved By All. a party girl ; doesn’t rlly enjoy it, jst feels she Should enjoy it. — tries to be an Enigma. wants to be mysterious and unreadable because that’s what books have taught her makes women Desirable and Interesting and Cool. — obsessively devours mystery and thriller novels. she herself is a gillian flynn book waiting to happen. — act like the flower but be the serpent under it. is a user. manipulative. leads people on. will throw another student under the bus to demonstrate her own intelligence and integrity — heavily involved in the theatre society. loves attention. — has an addictive personality. seems unable to do anything in a small dose, she has to let it utterly consume her. with sports, she’s fiercely competitive, runs track, played lacrosse at school, now is a cheerleader probably. with alcohol, it’s never a shot, it’s a whole bottle – wine or whiskey – she’ll be table dancing before the night’s up and making out with someone she’ll regret in the morning.  — her clothing style is like…. vintage thrift store but make it preppy. berets and cute hats, neck scarves, large fluffy cardigans or like those leathery jackets with big suede fringes on them, mini skirts (very 70s), and knee high socks or boots. quite often she’ll be in sports kit, maybe a cute tennis skirt, n when she’s feeling casual she’ll wear like, a talking heads tshirt with a pair of mom jeans and converse, but otherwise, the library is her catwalk. — relates to ophelia from hamlet and sibyl vane in dorian gray. weirdly obsessed with women who commit suicide. loves jackson pollock paintings and abstract art. – likes old things. old books, old music, old houses, it reminds her of happier times like when she wasn’t alive. buys all her music on vinyl and has a gramphone because “The Sound quality is Better” kfdsjj. 

anyway, here you will find a pinterest board, and here u will find a stats page.

PLOTS.

here are some generic wanted plots but by all means message me so we can flesh them out more if any strike ur interest:

study buddies !! someone who is equally unprepared and so spends all night in the library with frida before a big deadline, maybe they even met in the library

if they’re from new england or vermont, then cousins . second cousins / extended family / family friends –  probably spat volavons on your character once as children, omg childhood friends !

people who live on the same floor and only know each other from brief interactions in the lift or the canteen

frinds !! unlikely friends !! toxic friends !! former best friends separated by sporting or academic rivalries ! 

hockey / cheer friends who are on other teams but who she absolutely loves playin against!!! 

fellow academics who like meeting up to discuss latin and greek ! gimme a secret society bonding by their love of ancient learning

i reckon she’s in a lot of societies, definitely the film club, maybe works as a projectionist at the uni cinema if they have one so give me ppl affiliated with that, give me fellow wanky pretentious art-lovers and poets and historians who will go to museums and galleries with her and listen to the velvet underground on vinyl

people she gets mortally fucked off her tits with at parties

people who think she is throwing her academic potential away by caving to hedonistic impulse

people she has drunkenly made out with, hooked up with, or regularly sleeps with casually, maybe even a friend w benefits she is repressing feelings for, i love angst, 

people she used to date or unrequitedly likes, but to them it’s just a physical thing, give me all the thirsty angst plots, and maybe some softness too, i need some religion in this girls life, she is a roman catholic after all

thats all for now folks jeez louise thanks for stickin with me

[theatrembti]

Violet Newstead from 9 to 5 ESTJ by Lelah

Extraverted Thinking (Te) “You gotta know what to do - better do it in a hurry. Gotta hustle, gotta bustle, gotta scoot, you gotta scurry, ‘cause we got no time to fool around around here.” Violet is always in control, acutely aware of what must be done and how to do it. She lives her life in sequence (“Pack his lunch and kiss my son and grab my purse and I keep runnin’!”) and places strong value on the power structure of the company despite her knowledge of her superiors’ misogyny. When that power structure is challenged - for instance, when her boss promotes a man she trained - she is astounded and infuriated; but when she has the opportunity to lead the office with Judy and Doralee, her visionary changes result in a twenty-percent rise in productivity. Even when she believes she has killed Hart, she wants to be the one in charge, giving Judy and Doralee instructions to take care of her son and collapsing when Judy says that it’s Violet’s turn to rely on them: “You two are in charge, and that really scares me!”

Introverted Sensing (Si) “If I got my promotion I could at least do something, but I’m still just a lowly secretary!” Although Violet is a visionary when she allows herself to be, she is strongly rooted in her past experiences, guided by tradition. She acknowledges the patriarchal power structure controlling Consolidated and subtly rebels against it by “playing the game,” as she tells her son Josh. She encourages Judy and Doralee to look towards a better future for Consolidated (displaying her tertiary Ne), but quickly recoils when they suggest that she might lead the company: “It’s the old boys’ club. I could never be CEO.” Her Si also prevents her from beginning a relationship with Joe years after her husband passed away: “I’m a one-man woman. And I’ve had my one man.” She knows what has and hasn’t worked at Consolidated and supervises her section of the office accordingly.

Extraverted Intuition (Ne) “I’m not giving up, ‘cause I know there is always tomorrow.” Even though her values are embedded in the past, Violet’s ingenuity is undeniable. She cleverly predicts commercial successes of the future (for instance, Nike’s iconic “Just Do It”), and it is revealed in the epilogue that she rose to commercial success after inventing the “clapper.” She easily improvises escape plans from sticky situations, as seen when she covers for Hart in his pajamas at the office by inventing “Casual Friday” or when she assumes the identity of a doctor in order to prevent the autopsy of what she believes is Hart’s dead body, and she regularly initiates discussions between the three women about how they should proceed. She has high aspirations which she visualizes in “One of the Boys,” but her Si prevents her from believing they may ever occur.

Introverted Feeling (Fi) “I know your heart is true, but this is all so new. I wonder what I’d do if I would let you in.” Ambitious and innovative, Violet tends to overlook and ignore her emotions in favor of her goals. She avoids Joe despite her friends’ and son’s encouragement and despite their mutual romantic interest; when faced with his indisputable assertion that he’d like to begin a relationship with her, she quickly, clumsily, and blatantly changes the subject. She struggles quite a lot to comfort others, as seen most clearly when Judy breaks down after her struggle with the copy machine, and even more to admit her wrongdoings: after Doralee truthfully denies that she had a relationship with Hart, she apologizes only tersely and very reluctantly for treating Doralee without respect due to their supposed affair. Regardless of whether or not she allows herself to recognize them, Violet’s internal values are unflinchingly strong; and by the end of the musical, she has learned to “let love grow” and allow her Fi to be seen through her ambitious exterior.

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[biteofnews]

List of Top 10 Beautiful Hollywood Actresses

Who doesn’t appreciate beauty? Especially with regards to the subject of ladies, the most attractive thing is view as beauty. A beautiful lady resembles a rainbow, involving shades of numerous sorts sufficiently appealing for everybody to fall. Beauty gives ladies certainty, self-esteem, confidence, and regard. It can make ponders out of the blue for you. Hollywood is a great place where there are appealing ladies, having various beautiful entertainers of the different bloodlines.

Following is the list of Hollywood top 10 most beautiful actresses of 2019.

Alexandra Daddario

Women with an outlandish line behind her gorgeous looks, the tall 5’8 magnificence was conceived on March 16, 1986, as Alexandra Anna Daddario. She originates from a parentage of Italian, Irish, Hungarian, German and English legacy.

While creating affection for acting from an exceptionally youthful age , she started her profession at the ready age of 16 and raised from that point to show up in Drama Serials, for example, “Every one of My Children” to the motion pictures, for example, “Texas Chainsaw 3D”, “Lobby Pass” and “San Andreas”.

She likewise performed in a music video by Imagine Dragons by the name of “Radioactive.” The on-screen character with remarkable and staggering blue hued eyes has surprised the business as one of the great on-screen characters as well as one of the hottest by Rolling Stone.

Cobie Smulders

Cobie Smulders is a Canadian actress and model born on April 3, 1982. The actress is popularly known for her role in CBS sitcom “How I Met Your Mother” which helped her in making a doting fan base. She is currently starring as the lead in a crime drama “Stumptown”. She has also been a part of many television series and is famous for working in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Being involved in various movie projects, TV shows & stage plays, she has also gained huge rewards for her excellent performance. She has been part of many memorable roles and is passionate about working in the entertainment field.

Lily Collins

Lily Collins is one of the leading ten most beautiful youthful on-screen characters of 2019. She characterizes style, magnificence, and glamour all consolidated. Lilly was accepted in 1989 and has worked since her youth in the BBC dramatization arrangement. Other than stowing various honors Choice Movie entertainer and Teens Choice Award she’s a rival who’d like to give last time to her partners through her acting aptitudes. She’s known for her films Stuck in Love, The English Teacher, and Love.

Mila Kunis

Big beautiful eyes and bewitching looks the charming on-screen character came right from Ukraine to settle down in the United States at a young age of 7. The young lady can thump you out with her magnificence as well as her whit, and comical inclination is the thing that keeps individuals into her. Conceived in 1983 by the name of Milena “Mila” Markovna Kunis, her precious family foundation comprised of her mom being a Physics instructor and her dad a mechanical specialist. Even though she adored acting from a youthful age yet, she sought to it when she was going to school for a semester and chose to desert it and seek after her all-consuming purpose as an entertainer. She started little through ads and hit it big time by her first break in 1995 in “Make a Wish, Molly.” From that point onwards up till now she has shown up in endless motion pictures and is broadly referred to for her job as “Jackie” in the hit TV arrangement “That 70’s Show”.

Emma Roberts

Beautiful and innate, she originates from a line of loved entertainers; being the niece of the Oscar champ and renowned Julia Roberts just as being the little girl of Oscar assigned Eric Roberts. She experienced childhood in the motion picture industry on the arrangements of her auntie’s movies. Her consistent introduction to acting is the thing that turned into her inspiration to seek after going about as profession for herself which started by the arrival of “Blow” in 2001, she further even sought after singing by the arrival of her collection “Unfabulous and then some.”

Emma Watson

The dazzling, refined and articulate Emma Charlotte Duerre Watson is a British Actress that has flourished in her jobs as well as is an image of women’s liberation through her active parts in Women’s rights work. The Paris conceived on-screen character realized she had an enthusiasm for acting from the age of 6 and prepared at the Oxford part of Stagecoach Theatre Art in going about as well as singing and moving. She is much perceived as Hermoine Granger from the famous Harry Potter Series.

Kelly Brook

Kelly Brook is an English model, on-screen character and TV moderator best known for her job in the 2010 ghastliness parody change, Piranha 3D. Since the time she entered Hollywood, she got perceived because of her devotion and aptitudes as an entertainer. Her name has dependably been the assurance for a motion picture to get achievement in the overall markets. Kelly’s acting and her hot look are the two most loved parts of her identity which have made us enroll her name here among Hottest Hollywood Actresses 2019.

Kirsten Dunst

There are many motivations to incorporate Kirsten Dunst in the rundown of Top 10 Hottest Hollywood Actresses 2019. She has not exclusively been a prominent Hollywood entertainer of the time yet also an outstanding model and excessively provocative lady. Her excellence and enchanting intrigue act like the spell to build the heart pulsate of all the young fellows. German and American entertainer, Dunst accomplished worldwide popularity for her depiction of Mary Jane Watson in Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man set of three. From a certain point forward, she has shown up in a few movies.

She has been named for various honors and won a significant number of them. Her character Justine in Melancholia was likewise very much valued and increased essential praise for the mind-boggling acting in the film. Kirsten Dunst got the Best Actress Award at the Cannes Film Festival and the Saturn Award for Best Actress.

Also Read:  Highest Paid Actresses in Hollywood

[traceyropper-blog]

How Architecture Affects Your Brain: The Link Between Neuroscience and the Built Environment

Thorncrown Chapel / E. Fay Jones. Image Randall Connaughton

This article was originally published by Common Edge as "Sarah Williams Goldhagen on How the Brain Works and What It Means for Architecture."

Sarah Williams Goldhagen has taken a big swing. Her new book,Welcome to Your World: How the Built Environment Shapes Our Lives, is nothing less than a meticulously constructed argument for completely rethinking our way of looking at architecture. A longtime critic forThe New Republicand a former lecturer at theHarvard Graduate School of Design, Goldhagen has taken a deep dive into the rapidly advancing field of cognitive science, in an attempt to link it to a new human-centered approach to the built world. The book is both an examination of the science behind cognition (and its relevance to architecture), and a polemic against the stultifying status quo. Recently I talked to the author, who was busy preparing for a year-long trip around the world, about the book, the science, and the state of architectural education.

Martin C Pedersen: Your book argues that the built environment has a profound impact on people's lives. I agree. And, yet, given the state of architecture today, you wouldn't know it. Not just with what's on the ground, which you write about very eloquently, but also the greater perception. We're surrounded with architecture, and yet it's stunning the extent to which we're oblivious. What's that disconnect about?

Sarah Williams Goldhagen: I've thought a lot about this. When I started writing criticism for a general audience, one of my earliest articles was on why most of the built environment, particularly in the US, was so bad. Economics is only part of it. More important is that people don't value the built environment and fail to appreciate how it's affecting them. People can gravitate to spaces, for example, that may not be psychologically good for them. Research shows that when we habituate to something, whether it's an environment or a pattern of buying, we tend to prefer that pattern, even if we'd be better off with something else. This gets at one of the book's main arguments, which is that most of our experiences in the built environment arenonconscious.I use that word quite specifically. It's notunconscious, because that suggests something that we'd be unable to access. Nonconscious refers to cognitions that we could access consciously, but mostly don't.

Most of our cognitions fall below the radar of conscious cognition. If we stopped to focus on them, we could become more aware of them. A good deal of cognition-some experts put it as high as 90 percent-is nonconscious. So, if you're not aware that something is affecting you, then society's failure to accord built environmental design the immense value that it deserves makes some sort of perverse sense. As it is now, there's this mass of buildings of which we're only dimly aware, and then there's the occasional piece of architecture, which is essentially a luxury good purchased by elite clients. But what we now know about cognition and human experience demonstrates that this cannot stand as a paradigm. There's no such thing as a neutral environment: your built environment is either helping you, or it's hurting you.

MCP: You cite a lot of studies in the book. But the science and research around the built environment that I've come across is pretty thin. Where did you find, what I'm guessing, is better science?

SWG: It's an excellent question. Most of the research that directly pertains to architecture and landscape happens in environmental psychology. But that's not a field that so-called hard scientists take very seriously. It's difficult to conduct verifiable, reproducible studies on the built environment because you can't sufficiently control for all the factors. There is good work out there, but this is the challenge that researchers of the built environment face.

When I started working onWelcome to Your WorldI knew that from new imaging technologies we were learning a lot more about how the brain works than we'd known even one generation before. Our understanding of how memory works has radically changed in last 20 years; our understanding of spatial navigation has been revolutionized. I could go through the list. Brain mapping is reliable, albeit rapidly developing, science. Most of the studies that I clawed through didn't have much to do with the built environment, per se. They focused on human cognition and perception. In many cases, I was the one making the links: these scientists weren't specifically researching the built environment. I was the one who was sitting there, knocking my head against these studies, thinking: OK, what doesthatmean for how we understand the built environment?

MCP: Where's the specific link between cognition and the built environment?

SGW:The easiest example relates to long term memory. There was a famous experiment published in 2009 called theLondon Taxi Drivers study. To be a cabbie in London, you basically have to memorize the layout and street names of the entire city. Acquiring what's known as The Knowledge takes between two and four years. So the researchers did FMRI scans of the cabbies in training before they started building these detailed cognitive maps of the city, then scanned their brains again, once the cabbies had passed the test. They discovered that an area of the brain called the hippocampus had grown enormously. That was a significant finding, in and of itself, because it meant that even in adulthood, the brain changes. We used to think that people's brains develop and change until they reach maturity, around age 21; then, you more or less had what you had. This and subsequent studies provide concrete evidence that our brains change as we learn, and that one of the properties of the human brain isneural plasticity.And that brain is changing in part in response to your environment.

Now, the other fascinating part of this is that the hippocampus is the area of the brain in which we consolidate long term memories: It controls spatial navigation, and contains what we now know to be place recognition neurons and even building recognition neurons. What this means is, you can't develop a long term memory that doesn't contain something of the place that you were in, when you had that experience. We navigate space using some of the same neural pathways that we use to develop autobiographical memories. So what does that mean? It means nothing less than that architecture and the built environment is central to the formation of our identities. That finding alone gives the built environment a kind of importance and weight that nobody would have thought.

Thorncrown Chapel / E. Fay Jones. Image Randall Connaughton

MCP:All of the science is going to continue to progress, so that we'll know even more about how the brains works in the coming years. How do you see all that work helping us to build a better built environment?

SWG: I'll give you an example.Thomas Albrightis a scientist at the Salk Institute, who works on vision. He's part of an organization called theAcademy of Neuroscience for Architecture. He is interested in what he calls the phenomenon of co-linearity, which is the arrangement of one sequence in the same linear order as another sequence. The example that he gives isThorncrown Chapelby Fay Jones. Of course that is parallel, but because you're looking at it from below, they don't look parallel, and they change as you walk through the space. The reason that people respond so well to co-linear patterns, Albright posits, is because those patterns resonate with the way that our visual system works and appropriates information. Just as we know, for example, that when we listen to music the neurons in our brain actually fire in the exact same pattern that we're listening to as we hear it. Albright's hypothesis is that something analogous is happening when we experience co-linear designs.

MCP: In the book, you were fairly critical about architectural education. You spent many years at the GSD. Tell me how your thinking evolved concerning the education of young architects.

SWG:One thing I was struck by when I was teaching history and theory is how off limits, not just at the GSD but everywhere I taught, the topic of built environmental experience was. If you brought it up, it often wasn't long before someone would say-this was in the 1990s and the 2000s, when I was there-Oh, that's too subjective, we can't talk about this.

MCP:It was like talking about beauty.

SWG:Beauty, youneverdiscussed! This is because, throughout the academy, post-structuralism had such a profound influence. The cultural relativism that came out of post-structuralism, identity politics, and so forth, there was nothing wrong with it, but it became a sort of inviolable belief system. Even so, it wasn't really until I was invited to be the architecture critic for theNew Republicthat I began to think seriously about what experiential design might mean. I didn't want to be one of these, It's great!/It's terrible! critics. I had to develop a set of clear, critical criteria for how I was judging, and the reader had to understand what those were. That threw me back into the realm of experience. Because I started thinking, who am I writing for? What's important? And the answer to me was obvious. What's important is what's on the ground, and how people respond to it. Ultimately, the architect'sintentionsare of secondary importance.

Back to architectural education: I found that the paradigms that I saw students being taught, so-called critical architecture, left the user experience out of the equation. Because the fact of the matter is, whether a building's structure is expressed, doesn't matter at all to the user. What does matter is if they see and understand how the principles of gravity are working, or the methods of construction. Whether there's an internal structure that has cross beams that you can't see-nobody, except other architects, cares about that. If you can do something with that architectural idea that accords with the cognitive principles that people need, want, and seek in buildings, then great. But it's is not an ideology of design, in and of itself.

MCP:And it's often taught as that.

SWG:Yes, it's often taught as that. The methods of construction are important, materials, details. All of that stuff is important. But structure itself, per se, as a guiding principle? I find a lot of these ideologies get at some of the cognitive things that are important, but it's almost like they get there by happenstance, rather than through knowledge. In school, there were the tectonic people, on the one hand, and the critical people on the other hand, and the parametric guys, on the third hand. What was absent from a lot of these discussions was how the users would actually experience these spaces.

Martin C. Pedersenis executive director of the Common Edge Collaborative. A writer, editor and critic, he served as executive editor at Metropolis magazine for nearly fifteen years.

[flyinghigh716]

Back from Sabbatical

Photo credit Amos Morgan, for Oiselle

Man I needed that. A month without work. Without social feeds. Without the expectation to engage in anything except family. Without letting my mind get romanced into any new ideas, or projects. A month with vacation responders on my five email accounts. With my laptop zipped into it's sleeve in a drawer. For one month I didn't have to stare at my libra scale and weigh the merit of inbound requests, or weigh the impact or value of things I did, or whether I'm using my time wisely or not, or meaningfully or not. For a month I unhooked myself from the achievement machine for the first time since I was 12. And it was fucking amazing.

Thank God I actually did it. To be honest I didn't have much choice. I felt burned out, deeply exhausted, frayed at the seams. I described it to Jesse as a deep deep tiredness, but it was more than that. The feeling of tiredness itself was not concerning. It was the color of it. The feel of it. Like a dishwater brown, oversized wet sponge. I had been tired off and on for 16 years as an elite runner, as a pregnant person, as a new mom. This tired felt like something essential had been taken from me: my drive.

The Beginning of the Big Push

In May of my 7th grade year, I made a decision that would change my relationship to drive. I was a naturally smart kid, tagged “gifted” or whatever in elementary school, and A's came pretty easily to me. I have no memories of stress in school. In 8th grade, kids started getting separated into “honors” or “regular” courses based on testing scores, and my closest friends got placed in honors English. I didn't. My family didn't harp on grades, or college prep. There was no application of pressure or incentives. But I thought about the idea of being sorted. I distinctly remember standing outside on the outskirts of the quad at lunch, holding a bagel with cream cheese, thinking about how one moment could play out in my future, year by year, the first developed thought of this kind I remember having. I remember thinking “normal English will be easier to get an A in, but honors English (if I can handle it) will put me into a different chute with a different destination. A destination that was new to my family. A four year university. A bachelors degree. A job with security that didn't lay you off three months a year. Maybe enough money to travel the world one day. I wrapped my bagel in the remaining torn foil as I walked into my English teacher's classroom and asked her if I could take the honors test again. We scheduled a date, and this time I passed. From that day forward, I was changed somehow. Activated. I maxed out sports, school, extra curriculars, volunteer work. I worked like a person with no security blanket. I had to not only be good enough to get in to college, I had to be good enough to get financial assistance. And without knowing where exactly to focus my energy to make it happen, I decided that to be safe, I had to be exceptional, at everything.

This is why I'm good at a lot of things. Things like school and sports. But also juggling. Hula hoop. Waltzing. Hand stands. And a myriad of other things that are basically useless outside of party tricks. My undeveloped teenage brain imagined a college admission interview scenario where I would perform a one woman circus, finishing with a back-handspring presentation of my GPA and test scores. I had no idea what the secret knock would be to get through the doors to that different life, and I wanted to be prepared for anything. I've heard it said that your ability to learn something new is dependent on your emotional investment. Learning a new language comes much more quickly when you are in love with a native speaker, for example. You have to care, basically. I cared like my life depended on it. And it worked. It worked at Stanford. It worked as a pro runner. It worked with Picky Bars. And it worked these past four years with Oiselle as I poured myself into building something unique through writing, community, and activism. I have learned like a person madly in love.

The Shift

It was this absence of caring last summer that alarmed me most. I had things I logically knew I wanted to do after retiring from pro running in July, but there was no fire behind them. I remember during my NY Times retirement interview, I felt this weird disconnect between the words coming out of my mouth and what I felt in my heart. I was talking about my future in activism, something I always had planned on doing, and there was no quickening of my pulse, no toes spreading to grip the ground in preparation for liftoff. Instead there were just words. This alarmed me. And again I was alarmed when brainstorming the future with Oiselle CEO Sally Bergesen, normally something that would activate me like a triple espresso; the ideas would come but instead of an electric current spurring action, there was a heaviness. I told her I felt like I was holding a box of wet matches, unable to light any fires. I thought perhaps it was depression, which is very common among retired pro athletes, but it didn't feel like other times I had been depressed. What if my identity as a pro athlete, and the pursuit of ultimate athletic excellence, had become the heartbeat that oxygenated everything around it? What if it was the true love that powered the learning in all the other areas? Had I plucked out the nucleus of the cell, leaving everything floating around without clear signals or commands? Was I broken?

Everyone that cared about me encouraged me to take time off, which helped give me the courage to do it. I was a little afraid I would run away for good. But once I made the decision it would be January, the weeks of December had a lightness to them. I began to notice the coping strategies I had developed since July to manage my disorientation. Compulsive social media use. Looking for validation in favorites and likes that I was still there, still me. Deep immersions into the political news vortex, bathing in communal anxiety rather than facing my own. What would have helped most would have been sitting with myself; writing; music; purpose driven work. But anytime I had an opportunity to spend time on those things, I would run away to my phone. I was creating nothing. I grew angry. My phone had become like alcohol had been for my dad. An escape, a way to numb myself. This may be genetically wired in there somewhere, but it will not be how I live.

My month off gave me the space I needed to get to know myself again. I know that sounds cheesy but its true. Retirement from pro racing did pull something essential out of the recipe for my motivation and drive, but if I could be disciplined about eliminating all the distractions I had been using to hide, to avoid myself, I was sure I could find my heartbeat again. Maybe it wouldn't be as strong, maybe it would have a slightly different rhythm, maybe it would no longer supply oxygen to all the same extremities as before, but I would create an environment that was suitable to hearing it. I believed that if I could do that, I could stand strong wherever I was.

Things I Learned on Sabbatical

The desire to hide from myself was powerful. Even after eliminating all the previously identified distractions, I was very good at finding new ones. Cleaning out all the boxes from 15 years of moving house to apartment to house. Consolidating the five different places I've kept racing bib numbers into one. Creating systems for organization (I'm not organized). Getting my piano tuned and violin repaired. Creating a space and buying the basic equipment needed for writing, practicing, and recording music. Organizing my google drive for the first time in 9 years. Buying my first ever desk and desktop computer and creating a clearly defined workspace for when I started back. Donating 7 giant garbage bags of stuff to goodwill, and 3 giant bags of athletic wear to local high schools. Rearranging the bedroom furniture. I knew this was a different shade of avoidance, but at the same time it felt like more than that. I allowed it. I knew I would run out of things within 10 days or so, and all of these things needed to get done. They were the things that my mind had often gone to over the years when I would look for proof that my non-work life was a mess. The things that would make me feel resentful of the work I loved, and of parenting. Well, now my non-work life was in order. Once I found myself searching Pinterest for 4 hours late into the night for future remodel ideas, I knew I had ventured beyond the useful into escapism, and I stopped. I was surprised at how easily the discipline kicked in. And then something magical happened. For the next ten days or so, I felt completely peaceful. I had no agenda, no goals, no to-do's. It was like summer break back in elementary school, back when I woke up in the morning and just did what I felt like doing, back before the achievement machine had been activated. I let myself exist there, laying on my back in a canoe, watching the clouds, trusting the current. And then the last week I binged on books and Gilmore Girls.

I can't tell you how important this break was to me. To my health. To my peace of mind. I didn't figure every single thing out, but I didn't need to. I found the heart beat. I gave 35 year old me permission to care about different things than 13 year old me, than 21 year old me. I let go of my past relationship with drive and achievement so I can navigate a new one. I began to see a new story, one of transition, of growing up, of a relationship with effort and drive, of freeing my hands to make beautiful things from the now rather than hanging onto a rope anchored to youth. I saw myself writing. Blogs. Articles. Songs. Where they will live, I don't know. But I will write the truth, which is easier when you aren't seeking validation. And yes, I will race. Because the thought of putting on my Voleé kit and pushing my body, prepared or not, was the match in the box that dried out second, right after the match for my family. I guess that makes sense, now that I think about it. Run family, for a lifelong runner, is family. Extended family, but family still. And family is something you give your best to, elevate, and advocate for. I think that has been the heartbeat all along.

Let's get back to work! Special thanks to my partners for the support. Photo credit Amos Morgan for Oiselle.

  Any questions or curiosities about the time off? Hit me.