#to be fair last week was my bday so i was busy and didnt go on bsdtwt much but like...she died this episode

[dazaistabletop]

Okay so like...I feel like she hasn't received enough praise

[scrmngtts]

im gonna send this to him soon...

i dont wanna be with someone who thinks thats its unfair being with me. whats funny is i feel like its unfair for you to ask me all this things when you havent even ask me to be your girlfriend.

you always say "my girl" but you dont even have the courage to own up to it. but now im realizing that maybe youre just telling me that to keep me around. whats stopping you to ask me to be official? is label so important to me? yes it is. i told you before i dont feel certain with you. youre full of uncertainty and i dont like when i dont know whats gonna happen.

you wanna talk about fairness? lets talk about fairness then.

January - you told me its a busy month for you, its an expensive month. blah blah. okay fine! whatever. did you hear stuff from me? no. i accepted that. i didnt say anything cuz i didnt think it was unfair. did i get what i want?? no. our montreal trip. you said youre gonna pay me. wheres the man of his words? i dont think you have the right to tell me ure a man of ur words. atleast i pay you when i say im gonna pay you. anyway doesnt matter now bc i enjoyed that trip with you. i get to spend time with you. did i think it was unfair that i paid for the whole trip? no. bc it was for your bday and as long as we had a fun time thats all that matters. i never once thought it was unfair for me.

February - you told me, "just let me go on my trip. after i come back." you implied youre gonna ask me when you come back. talk about bringing someone up then letting them down real quick. then you come back and thats the first thing on your to do list. suddenly, "youre not ready" suddenly, you need time to learn to be alone. that wasnt fine with me, i told you that. i told you im just gonna move on. you ask for time, you said you werent ready. did i tell you "you werent gonna be ready?" no. i gave you time. i respected your decision. did i think that was unfair for me? yes. but i tried to understand where youre coming from. did i get what i want? no.

also i think if you really like or l someone you wouldnt think of "fairness" that just told me a lot of things on how you see me or how you value this - whatever we have.

remember why im so nervous last saturday when you made plans for us? cuz part of me hoped that youll finally gonna ask me but part of me doesnt wanna be disappointed. guess what happened? news flash! another disappointment. but surprisingly this one didnt bother me that much compared to the other times so i guess im doing great on that department.

i dont go out partying with you, suddenly i get all what i want. also you gave me a short notice, how can i prepare myself for that. i dont like spontaneous plans. if you cudve just given me a weeks notice then i wud say yes.

i dont wanna sleepover, suddenly im the bad person. i dont wanna go home late, suddenly you see it as i dont wanna spend time with you. you always just walk me to the door, you rarely walk me to the subway, and it only happens when were already out or when you have somewhere to go after. do i think that was unfair? do i consider that as you dont wanna spend time with me? no i didnt.

i cant drink that much, suddenly it bothers you. i dont like drinking but i try it for you. every drink is hard for me but i still try but suddenly you see it as i dont try enough that i dont practice.

i was late a couple of times, i didnt know it was such a big deal that youll bring it up until now. you were late sometimes too but its okay for me, as long as you show up. did i think it was unfair? no.

you say i always win, wheres the winning? why dont i feel like im winning.

[dog-girl-zezora]

Im a little drunk so im gonna talk about my best friend i no longer have in the read more and maybe ill feel better, if you read it thank you for indulging my rambling... im just................ im sad bud

soooo august 27th 2019 was the day me and my friend had a falling out...

because i forgot his birthday... his birthday is actually...  uhh i think itd august 17th but im not sure! cause i dont know when anybodies brithday is to be frank im like... really really bad at knowing that kind of stuff and ... idk...

but it wasnt just his birthday... his grandma died 2 weeks before it and i remember him calling me about it... i was in the middle of my summer vacation and i told him that if he needed me to call me and just let me know cause i was just not in town to be around him... i felt so bad...

but then the weeks went by and suddenly its time to move into school and im like, hey zak when im done with moving do you wanna hang out? and at the tme i was really really busy with orientation and getting used to starting my major and upper level classes of exercise science... the pre req to uhhh physical therapy,,, so you know busy

and he was like “no i have plans you need to give me a better heads up im gonna be busy from now on.” and in my head i was like... wow that was kind of oddly aggressive but im not gonna mind it so i just said “okay ill let you know what my schedules like its been p busy” and he never responded and i forgot to send him my schedule... 

2 weeks later he messages me like “do you remember what 2 weeks ago was?” and im like “no?” and hes like “it was my birthday and you forgot” and that basically just started the whole fucking shit show of shit... 

i asked him to hang out that weekend and he said he was busy when it was actually his birthday... and he didnt tell me... he ... sigh.... he let me fail... and i get it...

i get it i do i get it but ive never once in my life felt like a birthday was more important than 7 years of my life... i dont care for my bday... ... every year my friends remind me of their bday... my other highschool best girl friend always reminds me when we can hang out... its.. i just... i can never forgive him for that!!!

COME ON!!!! ATLEAST TELL ME IVE FORGOTTEN!!! AgAIN!!! YOUVE KNOWN ME FOR 7 YEARS AND NOT ONCE HAVE I REMEMBERED.... not once.... and maybe i couldve done better like put it in my phone... why doesnt anyone suggest things like that instead of waiting for someone else to fail...

and its like... fuck dude!!! he went off and was like “youre always telling me to brush my teeth and use deoderant and shower clean my room and to keep an eye on my spending” and im like DUDE!!!

YOU DONT FUCKING BRUSH YOUR TEETH IM SORRY AS YOUR BEST FRIEND IM TRYIGN TO HELP YOU REMEMBER HYGIENE... WHY DIDNT YOU SAY YOU HATE IT!!! HE HAS NEVER ONCE TOLD ME THAT!!!! i dont fucking want you to get bad teeth!! or to smell bad!! OR TO LIVE DIRTILY I CARE ABOUT YOU!!!! YOU SPENT EVERY FUCKING PAYHECK ON YOUR CAR ACCESSORIES YOU CANT TELL ME THATS GOOD SPENDING!!!

and i KNOW HE HAS ADHD!!! MY DUDE HAD BIG PROBLEMS WITH THIS STUFF AND WHEN I WAS AROUND I HELPED HIM REMEMBER.... and it wasnt fair why didnt he tell me like come on...

and like i know i know i know it was probably because his grandma died he exploded on me... but he never tried to make amends. 

i asked him i asked him my LAST MESSAGE TO HIM... was about how can i fix this problem and can i make it better... what can i do to help.

and nothing... no response. no messsage not even... and attempt to make it up with me....

it wasnt fair it wasnt. fair to me. he was my best friend for 7 years!! i told him everything i ever could my secrets my life... i cared so much about him!! and he wouldnt even GIVE ME THE BENEFIT OF TRYING TO MAKE AMMENDs....

i itried... i tried.......  i wanted to keep trying but he didnt even want to try!!!!

..... and im so fucking sad about it man... 

i couldnt even get the chance to tell him that i was dropping out of school, that i was going to restart everything about my life that week. i spent those first two weeks in school crying my fucking eyes out because i wanted to kill myself so badly. i couldnt even tell him. why i forgot his birthday. why i couldnt make a better effort to try to talk to him. and i just... he didnt even consider what i was going through at the time and it fucking kills me man. i didnt even BOTHER telling him because if he was going to blow up over me forgetting this... he wouldnt care what i was going through. it didnt matter............. and it fucking eats me alive.

...

i think about him alot. ... many things remind me of him every single day.

the fact that i work as a valet driver is one of them. 

zak loved cars. he absolutely LOVED cars and new how to take one apart and put them back together. he was always working on something with his car, whether it was upgrades or fixing it... he was so smart. and now i work with cars. every day. every single day i work with cars and i dirve cars that i know he would love to see or hear about. this is a job he would LOVE. and its a job i have that reminds me of him every single day. 

i wish i still had him, i could learn to drive a stick, i dont know how to drive a stick and never thought i would need to, zak knows how to and he wouldve helped me learn if we were still friends. but were not.

he drove a purple dodge challenger. every FUCKING TIME i see one like it. i think of him. every time. i think of him. in fact im afraid it is him...

he knows where i live and he has a gate key to get into our gated community. i do fear for my life the day he might just fucking show up and ill just... idk actually i think thats just me wishfully thinking he’ll put me in a situation where i can talk to him... but chances are i wont be there because ill be at work... also he wouldnt. he wouldnt show up.... its been a year already. 

he said happy birthday to me... on my birthday, January 8th... he had the audacity to say happy birthday to me, but not to... try to fix our relationship... and i want you to know that i wasnt going to fix it either like that. i said thank you and that was all and had a VERY good night... but why did he do that. just to. stick it to me. he didnt even say anything else...

and now... its... today............... and nothing no sign of him still and ... i knew it would happen... its over its over its over...

this is the defining end... i dont care if he says happy birthday to me .... its over...

... i am so sad

i messed up in way i could never fix and i wasnt even allowed to try to fix it.... it hurts so much to think about.

Imiss him and i will always miss him.

and thats the burden ill have to live with for the rest of my life.

[survivor-rotuma]

Ep. 3: “People are coming to me like bees to pollen” - Felix

Felix

I think I am becoming bossy. I should cool down for now and lay low. Don't want to be seen as too big of a threat just yet.

Apollo

IM GAGGING! 6-1? Someone used an extra vote to make sure Thomas wasn’t home? Or he had a vote against him? Idk, idrc I survived the first vote of this game and sis it was stressful but easy. Thomas came on like half an hour before tribal and voted for Bradley without talking to anyone, I’m shook. A trio formed between myself,  Borris and Zest whilst Borris and I were also invited for a foursome with Bradley by Brianna. I’m shaking tbh

Marie

Ok jay, if you wanna here about it buckle up. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY JUMPING OVER A VOLCANO LIMITS ME FROM TYPING WORDS U G H ID BE GOOD AT THIS ONE BECAUSE I KNOW WAY TOO MYCH ABOUT THE SURVIVORS AND TO QUOTE DEBBIE “AND IM PISSED” , have a good day :)

Lysandre

So the challenge has been posted and it's cute!! I like this challenge because it allows me to think critically and analytically!! I am currently putting in WORK in the challenge but my tribe is flopping lmaoo. I'm trying my best to give them tips and tell them to mimic the common things I'm finding and apply it to their own pairings but something isnt clicking!! Hopefully we can pull out a win!

Lysandre

Can my tribe... do the challenge?? I refuse to go to tribal again but I also don't feel like carrying my tribe in the challenge by doing each one of the pairings extensively.

Flint

I’m glad I was able to sit out of the immunity challenge this week. However I am still feeling our tribe of 6 is actually 4 because I don’t see much interaction from Suzy or Charlie.

Lysandre

At this point I am preparing for tribal council. Jay announced the scores for the challenge and our tribe was down by 30+ points and in last place. An actual alliance (our alliance name) decided to vote David off if we go to tribal again because of his problematic behavior and mean comment to GiGi that he totally didn't say lmaoo. The challenge is basically up I'm ready to forfeit and go right to tribal.

Felix

So Suzy and Charlie do not seem to be contributing at all. This is fine I  guess since it just puts a bigger target on their backs as a result. I am just tired of these useless tribe members. Maybe it'd be better to go to tribal in order to vote them off so that they cannot turn on fellow Tuai members later since they wouldn't have that strong of a connection with us.

Felix

Flint just complimented me on my good work in the challenges. It seems that my challenge performance is being noticed. While this ensures that I will be safe in the majority of pre-merge, it will just paint a target on my back during the merge. Plus, I know I will be no good in these individual immunity challenges so let's see how this goes

Flint

I’m feeling pretty comfortable in the game, which makes me nervous something will happen. Our tribe is doing great in challenges and I have a strong alliance, I’m worried about an impending tribe swap!

David Penn

I am worried i will get voted off if we lost, i've only added like two things because i'm too busy rn.

Brianna

Welp. Late update but the Thomas vote went smooth. Also we won the third challenge so woo!!! Nothing really that new going on. There’s an alliance chat for me, Boris, Apollo and Bradley as well now so that’s...cool. That just leaves zest out for the next vote which I’m not too upset about since she doesn’t talk to me a lot.

Charlie

I'm scared I haven't been participating as much as the others and therefore might be out next. I need to start forming alliances ASAP

Bradley

I feel really bad. I did some of the plots for the spreadsheet but everyone else did more. I was busy with hosting family over for brothers bday i didnt really have time. Im glad we won immunity tho. It probably saved my ass.

Charlie

I think I may just have formed a secure alliance, we'll see though

Marie

This vote seems too easy, everyone except for David knows David is going home, not that I’m complaining one bit

Suzy quits

Kathleen

"Yeah tribal was cancelled but I still need to air my David feelings so this was my voting confessional:

Right. Well. You’re rude, you didn’t help in this challenge and I feel like you may have thrown your part in the last challenge even though you were very adamant that if people were not doing well in challenges they were a target. I do not in a million years feel like I can trust you. And I’m pretty sure it was you who wrote that horrible voting confessional for Gigi. Which was horrible and completely unnecessary by the way. It sounded like a bully. And I hate bullies. Bye, I’d say I’d miss you... but I won’t."

Felix

"Now that we are down one tribe member, it is essential to win this next challenge. Though this does mean that if we were to go to tribal council, Charlie would be the one to leave. We still have that safety blanket, but I am just nervous about what happens after Charlie is voted out. We need to do everything in our power to prevent that situation from happening.

I should have seen the One World twist coming since Jay seems to like it. Either way, the Tuai Quad Alliance LLC has decided that I should be one of the representatives out of the two. This will definitely make me seem like the leader of the tribe now. I just have to watch my back and see what happens. If they are going to perceive me like that, I might was well become it. Let's see how this all pans out."

Raul

Well, David better thank the Survivor Gods because we were for sure gonna vote him out. But alas someone quit, I hope they are ok and all is well. <3 Not looking forward to this one world twist -_-

Felix

I am trying to establish ties with a fair amount of people while we are in the One World. For one, I want to become friends with both Raul and Kathleen. They said they wanted to work with me earlier so hopefully they plan to keep that promise. I also want to see how much I can trust Bradley. I did give him the advantage so maybe I have an ally there. I've also talked to Lysandre a bit and think he's alright. Let's hope I can establish myself socially in this game!

Zest

Today is my birthday and I am so grateful for all of the sweet birthday wishes from everyone.

Felix

I must say that people are coming to me like bees to pollen. They all want to talk to me which makes the most sense since they all want to be social. Though some are better at it than others. I've been getting really good vibes from Lysandre, Kathleen, Apollo, and Marie. In that order. They just seem like good people. Also, Marie is 13!? Shook! I did gather some intel though from these people. Apparently, on Mea, David is at the bottom for being a rude-ass and being abrasive. That means if I am on a tribe with David, he will definitely be a target which might help later down the line. Marie is also very upfront and blunt. She asked me immediately "Who is on the bottom of your tribe?" Like girl. Be subtle. I'm not giving info out that easily so I just said no one even though it is clearly Charlie. Everyone on Mea though has mentioned this "bitch" who's on the bottom for being rude. It's David. I'm just so shook that they all are giving out this information that easily. It didn't take long for Marie to start spilling everything to me. She could be valuable as a rat later down the line so long as I don't tell her too much. Though she has said that her tribe really likes me for some reason. I am definitely rising as a leader for the game and will have a target on my back. Though it's great to finally have social ties that could carry me to merge.

Felix

Apollo mentioned working together. As in, if we ever worked together then that should be our alliance name (Club 96). Interesting proposal right there lol

Lysandre

This one world twist was cute until I came to the conclusion that I was playing the game with someone I had blocked and deleted and never wanted to play with ever again. I can see right through his alias and I literally want to will my idol off and quit. And I was really liking his alias until I started seeing connections and speech pattern.. yeah this is really ugly.

Flint

TWIST!! I knew the feeling in my guy was right. I was feeling too secure and now I have no idea what’s going on.

Marie

God knows what jay has planned as long as no volcanos are involved

Felix

Marie is being very pushy. I mean so I am but I like to think I am endearing. I think she is going to be pretty annoying for the rest of tribe so maybe she'll be the next up. Definitely don't want to be on her side.

Brianna

One world. New people. One survivor. Anyways. Marie is cool. But um. I’m tired and don’t feel like getting all these notifications from the one world chat but I also can’t mute it so ughhhh.

Felix

Cassie is just spilling all to me. She has an advantage that allows her to see how many alliance chats someone from the other tribe is rocking. That is such a useful tool. Especially late into pre-merge right before merge. I think it'll be really cool to fool her into using it. I hope she doesn't use it on me if we are ever on different tribes. Now, at least, I know that Cassie is loyal to me since hse is sharing all these details. Apollo is getting antsy that no one from his tribe will be a leader. I'm trying to convince it'll be fine, but he's not having it. He jsut has to trust me and then we can move on from there.

Lysandre

So Marie is actually Marie that's nice to know even though she wasn't supposed to do that ajdjdjsjs. And that impacts the game drastically because people are going to put their trust in her more now that they know she isn't a returnee. It is even having this round effects because she is about to be a leader. Deny the affects if yiu wabt but they definetely exist.

Lysandre

For the sake of Lysandre I am going to continue this game and act like I don't know who Felix is. Lysandre doesnt deserve to have their existance cut short especially considering the fact that they have an idol. They deserve all the love and support.

Dumbass bitch number 1 (Marie)

"To the tune of jeopardy:

Do do do do do do do, do do do do do, do dodododo, do do do dodo do do do, do do do do do do do, do do do do do do do, do do do do do, do dodododo do do do dodo do do do, DO, do do do do do do."

Lysandre

Moving forward in the game I, lysandre, would love to align with Felix in company with an actual alliance.

Boris

PSA: i love Jay

Volcano bitch

I love you jayyyy

Zest

Jay, sorry you are having a rough time getting home. sending good vibes your way.

Cassie

So, here's the thing. I love the vibe with my tribe and the alliance of Tuai Quad. I believe in them, but I know it could be a good idea to keep my options open and form new alliances too. A tri-leader alliance? Oh yeah. Only time will tell what I do with the information I get.

Felix

Another alliance chat down! Woohoo! This one is with Marie, Kathleen, Raul, Lysandre, and I. It's called Drama Bitches. This alliance I feel pretty good about but I do feel on the bottom since I am not from their tribe

Felix

To follow up, I have been positioning myself with people socially very well. It seems that everyone wants to be my friend and that everyone likes me. It will definitely be hard betraying them, but it has to be done. I need to put myself in the least risk out of everyone here in order to make it to the end. I feel I have done that. If people are going to be inactive now, then they must be the next on the chopping block. I hope everything goes well from here. Especially since I have connections on all three tribes. It should keep me safe in case of a swap

Felix

"It seems my socializing has paid off! Firstly, I was chosen as leader for one of the new tribes. I got to choose people for my new tribe that I would be making. I definitely saw this coming, so it was good that I was able to choose them myself. I feel confident with my new tribe. Everyone, except Boris, I have talked to at least once so that'll help. I think I have picked people that enable me to have power over everyone else if I play my cards right. How I see it: I have aligned with Joey, Lysandre, and Rual. I have talked a bit with Zest, and Boris I am just getting to now. I have talked extensively with Apollo. He and I have bonded really well. Perhaps that will keep me safe for the time being. Mainly why I picked the people I did is to have easy boots earlier on (Zest and Boris) and to have people I'm already aligned with be with me (Joey, Raul, and Lysandre). I definitely do think I have picked a good tribe though.

Secondly, my socializing has paid off in terms of immunity. I definitely saw myself having a bunch of connections, but I didn't know it amounted to being the most popular. I think, socially, I have positioned myself well. Now I just got to keep this momentum up in order to succeed! Hopefully, everyone I am aligned with makes it to merge. It might be hard for Flint since he is on vacation. In hindsight, I should have picked him since it would be easier to explain his situation if I was there. I hope he doesn't get a target on his back for being inactive tonight! I think that they might vote out David since he is annoying. I told Cassie and Flint this, so maybe they can use that to their advantage.

Finally, I think this might paint a huge target on my back. People are going to know I am very well-liked by a lot of people. If they carry that information with them, they could use it against me. That'll be a problem for later. Plus, I have an idol to fall back on in case that does happen. Overall, it is going extremely well for Felix Rodriguez!"

Really dumb bitch (Marie)

I just realized I’m a threat, and now I’m lowkey panicking because I just made a plan with some people about how we get to a merge with a majority and now I’m scared that they’ll see me as a strategic and social target because everyone I’ve talked to I’ve been able to persuade. Let’s hope I’m not the Michaela of this game and get voted out cause I’m to strategic

Marie

The second this tribe swap happened I already had so many plans and I’m scared that people might want me out because no one wants to sit with someone who started making moves the second they could?? I done fucked up

Brianna

Well new tribe. I’m pretty okay with the set up tho. Me and Marie have really clicked and we went to talking strategy right away. I’m glad Bradley is here. He isn’t on that much but he will probably vote with me. And Kathleen was another person I got to talk to a lot and she’s from original mea with Marie so that’s good. Haven’t gotten to talk to flint or Charlie. And. Talking with Cassie is just. It’s so dry so far....

Charlie

So the tribe just merged, I've formed a new alliance and I'm super excited to see where it goes haha. Feeling a bit nervous about tribal council however since it is my first one. But I feel confident I won't be voted out just yet

Felix

I have created "The Gold Alliance" with Lysandre and Raul. They have both given me permission to add Joey to the alliance chat. I wanted to add Joey in order to keep OG Tuai safe from harm. If I can do that, then being on this tribe won't be so bad after all. Hopefully, however, Joey can maintain a social status to justify me bringing him into the alliance. Otherwise, he is on his own. I  hope the other OG Tuai are doing well and avoiding elimination today

Lysandre

"Me in the middle of one world: Omg I believe I know Felix's real self and I am literally about to quit I hate the person that Felix is outside of the alias

Felix: Picks me first to be a part of his tribe. "

Lysandre

"Ok so the new tribes have me feeling pretty iffy. Yes I am immune at the moment but I am separated from both Marie and Kathleen. This doesn't give me any comfort knowing that I am on a tribe with individuals who I do not know very well either and being stuck with Raul who works all the time and isn't 100% aligned with me yet.

While on new Tuai, Felix decided to form an alliance between me, him, and Raul which was a fraction of the Drama Bitches alliance that was formed during One World that consisted of Me, Felix, Raul, Marie and Kathleen. Now I am not dumb. I am aware that Cassie and Felix are close and Apollo fits in there somewhere too. My eyes are open. SHARINGAN! "

Marie

If David doesn’t go home I’ll cry

Boris

"Whew so much has happened

I got an idol a couple days ago!! I can't remember if I wrote a confessional about this

Someone walked, I wasn't really all that interested in that.

AND THEN SUDDENLY WE'RE IN ONE WORLD and I have mild panic bc i hate one world's, too many people.

And then we gotta pick 2 leaders, Marie and Felix volunteer and me and the rest of Sumi tribe ALMOST fight because we're messy heauxs but we eventually let it happen

And then tribe swap!! Surprise!! Except no one is actually super surprised but here we are anyway. And best of all, my dynamic trio alliance of me and Apollo and Zest is still together? When will ur faves? So yeah I'm in a good position, I like this tribe way better than my first one"

Maynor

I think it might be me going or its gunna be David. Thats what my vote is gunna be. Hopefully it works.

Brianna

I forgot if I said David is the target but David is the target.

[cheskalagran]

BYE 2018

This year has got to be the year jampacked with EVERYTHING. I might have the same motivation to write now but i gotta try for my future self. (bcos yaknow everything that I dont write eventually gets forgotten and i have no way of remembering, it just turns into a blank patch in my mind lyk 2017 lol) whatever happend to 2017??? i was scrolling through this blog and i didnt find any 2017 posts lol what??? was i in a trans or??? idk i have no memory of new year 2017. well i dont want that to happen to 2018 because theres just so much that happened so here it goes.

JANUARY- I started the year in qc.

Jan 2- I saw Mamsh for the first time in uptc. We bought my very first film roll. n Agfa Vista 200 in Satchmi.

Jan 7- i put my first film roll in. took a few shots. oh and im back in marinduque

Jan14 to the end of the month- im just in duque doing normal stuff i guess idk. More MSC days. I was really stressed about being irreg. lol

FEBRUARY-

feb 2 i went to Manila for the opening of Arts Month. IT WAS SO GREAT I NEVER FELT SO ALIVE IT WAS WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED, to live each waking day to be exposed to art. agh fun tyms. i spent 5 days in Bayview and everyday i went to luneta park for workshops and other shennanigans. While this was all happening i was also shooting for our Trends and Network (?) (subject) video. Reg was my partner in this video we were supposed to put a vissual on a poem our prof gave us.

feb 3

first time to eat yellow watermelon.

went to a baybayin writing workshop and learned how to write baybayin yay

saw autotelic, better days, sud and ben and ben that night

FEB 4- still there

feb 5- attended poetry night and saw mike coroza. saw mamsh again today and we went to national museum. It was the last day of arts month.

feb 6- i went home to duque

Feb 7- i edited my footage

~idk what date but hahaha the video i edited got 75 loooool but our prof gave us another chance to edit the shit.

feb 14- mundo- iv of spades was released. idk how this is relevant to me lol but yeah it was released on this day.

feb 17- UP fair that i wasnt able to go to. Finals week is near im so stressedt

feb 20- im editing the video again. we made a storyline instead of just putting vissuals on the poem.

feb 21- the stress was getting to me. i havent been sleeping bcos of finals and editing so i cut my hair short. the shortest it has been, they said i looked like hannah baker

~idk what date but i finally passed the video and we got 85 thank god for that curve lol~

feb 24- Im back in Manila. first time to ever play with the orchestra in a place which is not marinduque. Played in Makati along with Sta Isabel peeps.

feb 26-

Went to bgc--- to the overrated Venice grand canal place to be exact.

Saw Alex Aiono live.

Bought a new Murakami book (Wind Up Bird Chronicle) that i havent still finished until now

feb 27 to march- marinduque ++ more MSC things

March 29

practiced a viola piece for auditions sa ust but hey its 2019 and i didnt end up auditioning

Moriones festival (holy week)

Watched Baconaua a film by Joseph Laban shot in Mdq. the plot was also mdq related!!! and also socially relevant at present. its kinda about drugs--- well it is about drugs.

april 7- went to ust for enrolment

apr 8- went home na ata i dont even know

apr 13 ICON MANILA DAY1

went to manila for yfc’s 25th anniv!!!!! AAAA ICON 2018~ FULL BLAST

bRO THE THEME WAS MUSICALS AND THEY PERFORMED DISNEY AND THE GREATEST SHOWMAN THEMED THINGS HUHU MY HART IS HAPI

yfc reunion yey

APR 14 DAY 2 - FIREWORKSSS AND TALKS

APR 15- DAY 3

LAST DAY

GOT AN ICON DAVAO SHIRT

NASA ICON RECAP VIDEO AKO

APR 16 ARRIVED IN MDQ FOR FINALS

APR 19- SURVIVED FIRST DEFENSE

APR 23- FINAL DEFENSE

APR 26- SHELLY’S DEBUT

APR 30- FOUND OUT I DIDNT PASS THE UPCAT YO

MAY 3-

GRAD PHOTOSHOOT

SAGALA

MAY 8- 18TH

MAY 10- SURPRISE BDAY CELEB BY THE BEACH T^T gots a new laptop yey. got another murakami book from fiel. got a cool shirt from dem. got my fav necklace (which means so much to me since it has so much connection to who i am--- its a Sta. Claire/ St. Francis pendant from Rome.) Lola passed down a family heirloom to me--- her watch. <3

MAY 11- woke up after last night’s celeb for Graduatioooon.

May 11 to 19- stayed at home and watched movies and shi

May 20-

watched Musika sa Isla’s concert. first time that i sat out since i was so busy huhu.

Went out with Reg and went kayaking

May 21 and onwards more of doing nothing and watching movies and shii

May 29- went out with sum frends i havent seen for so loooong: isa, franz, angge, ira

Jun 2- went out with the fam and tita pina to the beaaachhh

Jun 15- My first provincial Shout!!! YBB LAGUNA!!!

Jun 18- went to shannon falls!!!! hiked and swam with the fam ++ dream favor fam

Jun 19- end of Prov Shout huhu went to amoingon with the YBB laguna team. swam some more in the beach.cried A LOT. said goodbye to fwends huhu

Jun 20- left duque for good

Jun 22- went to ust to settle thingz, dorm hopping

Jun 23- went to ust again

Jun -Jul scrabble, movies, wine, milktea, mc do and a couple of city thingz. Prepared for YCOM acad. long distance organizing with yasu huhu.

Jul 25- went home to duque for YCOM Acad!!! My first and last event as a the provincial YCOM head. cant believe we actually got to put this together huhu sml

Jul 26-28- finally had face to face organizing with the pcg. practiced songs and hosting.

Jul 29- YCOM ACAD NAAA. a lot of hard work paid off in this event. a lot if crying again. said goodbye to friends again.

Jul 30- left for Manila first thing in the morning

Aug 1- First day dorm life

Aug 2- Start of freshmen week. Freshmen pol sci orientation

Aug 3- ROARientation

Aug 4- got very drunk with batch mates uuuhhh which was wrong cos its just the first day and i probably made out with someone???uhhh

Aug 6- Tomasino na ako event. Saw Ben and ben and fourplay mnl

Aug 10-

went to cinemalaya with reg,kly and paul. was supposed to watch liway but ended up watching school service. bumabagyo rn hahahaha.

first time to ride the lrt loool

Aug 11-13- spent 3 days alone in qc aHAHAHA they were in cebu

~Lol kinda  dated a blockmate or whateva at this time uuhh~

Aug 17- parents visited manila, we went to intramuros

Aug 20- kuyas bday

Aug 21-saw reg and we watched another cinemalaya entry: Madilim Ang Gabi. sobrang slow paceeeedddd but ya it was about ejk. #SupportLocal

Aug 22 and onwards- A LOT OF READINGS

Aug 28- bar hopping with 7wonders

MORE STUDYING

Sep 5- saw Sud again in ust. org week ata??

MORE STUDYING

~kinda stopped dating that blockmate na~ ahahah

MORE STUDYING

Sep 21- saw shelly, aira, and fiel at Happy T. met someone but never talked again after that nyt. slept at fiel’s

MORE STUDYING

Sep 28- YFC GA

Sep 29- WENT TO SHE’S ONLY SIXTEEN’S 10TH ANNIVERSARY WITH MAMSH BROOOOOOO (XX: XX Makati)

ang bandang shirley

lions and acrobats

mellow fellow

rusty machine

oh flamingo

sandwich???

i forgot the others huhu

IT WAS WILD I LOVE SENA

OCT 4-5- PRELIMS ((no sleeping starts))

Oct 10-pre lims. got rly unexpected close friendships. slept at dean’s.

Oct 20- Island with shelly, ira, dean and sum binilde friends. met sum ppl. slept at mark’s

MORE STUDYING! ! !

~kinda started talking to someone i actually like~

OCT 29- FINALLY WENT BACK HOME TO DUQUE HUHU

OCT 29- went to the beach with reg trisha cavite peeps and kuya francis. saw kent kuya jm and jayson at kuya karl’s

OCT 31- inuman with friends i havent seen for so loooooong, drew, ira, pam, josh, angge

UNDAS- made my term paper about islam huhuhuhuhuhu d y i n g

NOV 3- went to the beach with yfc people huhuhu yasu mat ninyah and others. quest ang gracenote were there at villa aplaya also ahahaha

NOV 4- haaayyy left duque again :<

MORE TERM PAPER MAKING

NOV 14- first meeting of that ~someone~ im talking to. went to rou bourbon. agh i actually like this guy can u believe it

NOV 16- saw ~that guy~ again. went over to his place and met his dog

MORE STUDYING

Nov 23- saw ~ that guy~ again// study date

MORE STUDYIN BCOS FINALS IS NEAR IM DED

Nov 29- adventures with dean and mia at 3am. smoked a lot this month brOo i was ded more studying

Dec 2- mom visited me huhu lord tnx

Dec 3- Agape

Dec 8 onwards- FINALS WEEK a lot of smoking//very very very ded at this point

Dec 13- SURVIVED FINALS AND WENT OUT WITH 1POL3

Dec 15- i was high with kuya and claud

Dec 17- drank with kuya and claud

Dec 19- i was high

Dec 20- mom and micha and pau arrived

Dec 21- PASKUHAN with micha <3 ~the guy~ i was talking to ditched me lol. the dating thing was “paused” looooooool things started going downhill again but paskuhan was so fun!!!!! huhhuhuh definitely made me feel things. saaw ransom collective and spongecola <3 mia and chad r now together. micha slept in my dorm

Dec 23 and 24 and 25- christmas shenanigans in ateneo.

Dec 24- cinco ako sa nstp. i died seeing this

Dec 28- BANDERSNATCH!!!!!!!

Dec 29- went to bulacan for Kuya Oyo’s wedding cute couple

Dec 30-31- STAYCATION with the fam

DEC 31- went home and welcomed the new year. smy prof hasnt still replied for the cinco he gave me.

yaaaaalllllll 2018 was rough. a lot has happend. and im difinitely not the same person anymore. whats worse is that im kinda disappointed of what i turned out to be. :/ things are just sad. i havent been able to pick myself up until now. idk if im just in the right place or in the right time or with the right people but all u i know is that things could be in a much better place. i just hope that 2019 would put things in a better place. i cried a ton shit of tears this year. cut a few scars.left a lot of people. so much new things. it was my wildest year so far. Living independently alone, surviving college and the city life--- it was very different from what Im used to. but hey i survived and im proud of myself for that.2018 u were painful---so painful.  U made me try so hard and fail so hard at every aspect. I tried to maintain ties with friends even though it wasnt rly my thing. It was so hard for me to maintain connection agh but at least i still tried. Acads wise, I tried so hard to study for that one major prelim exam and i failed--- for the very first time, i failed a major exam. I tried to love--- yup--- thats totally not me--- i tried to date people. but lol things rly just dont work out sometimes. it be lyk that sometimes. ako pa yung dinitch HAHAHAHAH lol

the first half of the year was so fulfilling a lot of fun times. Never have i ever felt lyk i knew myself so much. everything i did was everything i wanted to do. For the first time i felt lyk i was turning out to be who i wanted to be but surprise everything turned around at the second half of the year.

it  made me feel lost it made me feel alone. its 2019 and that feeling hasnt changed. still a ton shit of anxiety. god Every holiday season i try my best to get in the holiday spirit but hah this year no matter how hard i try i wasnt just feeling it.  everything feels so static i dont wanna be like this anymore. The second half of 2018 made me feel like im the wrong place am i in the wrong place i dont know.

[eurizephale]

Saw this on facebook. Napapanahon. Masakit sa puso.

You were the one who was pursuing. Always mo akong pinupuntahan kahit sobrang layo ko pa just to be with me and we'd hang out and just really talk about anything and laugh about all the corny things that we can think of, until mag umaga. Yes, lagi tayong puyat nun sa trabaho. Lagi tayo magkasama the moment that we met. It was such a happy time for me.. Nung times na magkasakit ako, pumunta ka parin and kahit wala naman akong hiningi sayo, may mga kung ano ano ka ng bit bit.

You were working as a pilot for the Philippine Air Force and deployed ka lang dito sa Davao and lagi tayo nagsusulit na magsama tayo dalawa kahit wala naman ginagawa kasi we'd miss each other. Kahit buong araw the moment that we wake up, magkausap na tayo and lagi ka pa nag vivideo call kahit di naman ako mahilig nun. Sumama ka pa nga sa meeting ko na umabot ng 2am and kahit wala ka ng ginagawa and magtunganga lang. Until such time na narealize ko na i was falling for you.. LUMAYO AKO! Natakot ako.. it was pointless na maging laging puyat when in fact na di naman magiging tayo kasi ayaw ko sa LDR. Hindi ako marunong mag LDR and bakit ko ba pahihirapan sarili ko with it?

Kulit ka ng kulit buong araw. Tawag ng tawag. Text ng text. Etong gaga.. naawa. Sige.. nakipagkita ako sayo. Nag usap tayo. Pina intindi ko sayo na this cant continue.. nag explain ka din ng side mo. It was a good talk, but i was still adamant of my stand na that night will be the last na magkikita tayo and lalayo na ako.

Nasa bahay na tayo nun, sa terrace lang syempre kasi ayaw mo pumasok kasi andun si kuya and mga kaibigan niya. Galit na galit ka. Hindi na madrawing face mo. HELL i was consolling you. Niyaya kita lumabas ng bahay para mag buy ng something sa tindahan and para i can coax you to talk and let out the thoughts that was on your mind. When we came back, bago pumasok sa gate, i stopped you.

That was the moment that you told me na you love me. "Kristine, babe, I love you" -- na shock ako. but before i replied, i kissed you. For some reason, I was so happy and relieved. You then asked me.. " will you take the risk for me?" Hindi ko pa nga yun narinig pero inulit mo and i said yes. Yes, i will take the risk for you. (BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE).

Birthday ko na the next day. I was still unsure kung ano tayo. I even asked you, if tayo. Natawa ka and mukhang disbelief sa question ko on why i asked you such pero you said.. oo bakit mo natanong? natawa lang din ako kasi i felt stupid asking ---- basically thats how we started.

Take note.. ako yung tao di nagpapaligaw. I go on dates and labasan ng totoong ugali or even friends turned to lovers ang peg. Di ako marunong mag react sa ligaw ligaw. Westernized if you could label it. Also di din ako mahilig mag meet the parents kasi that takes time and based on my experience, pag maghiwalay kayo ng partner mo, kailangan din hiwalayan ang buong family which is a harder thing to do.

I had a strong belief (dahil sa past experience) that I will never look into your phone nor fuss about anything that involves it. pag nagtetext ka beside me, na nasa view ko.. tumitingin ako sa ibang angle to respect your privacy. --- HOWEVER papunta tayo sa bday ng kaibigan ko na sobrang layo. wala pa akong car nun kay nagtataxi lang tayo. i accidentally saw na may nag tetext sayo ng heartbroken emoji, busy?, why you no pansin? (not exact words but in those lines)... and name ng babae.

Natunaw ako. i dont know how to react. THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR TRUSTING SO BLINDLY. same night.. nagka guts akong iask ka.. but it took hours. pa alis alis ka pa nun sa table natin sa party kasi may tawag ka. Ang excuse mo is work. pero iba na talaga pakiramdam and kutob ko. After the bday party, standard ng activity ng group of friends ko na mag huck to have our own celebration sa bday. while we were hanging out with my friends, di ko na talaga kinaya.. tinext na kita about it. you forwarded me the excerpt of the text and nag explain ka na foster sister mo yun. I felt stupid sa pangdududa.. foster sister lang pala(she was not!). Sabi mo bata mo pa nakilala si girl and bata ang turing mo sakanya and sadyang makulit lang siya and nangungulit sa iyo. So here i am.. naging kampante but with reservations.. which at that time, i didnt understood why.

It was already the end of your deployment. Nag marco polo pa tayo nun and grabe ang iyak ko dahil sa separation anxiety. But always mo sinasabi na kaya natin to.

A week after.. pumunta tayo ng baguio. Kahit kapos sa pera.. hala gora! (tanga ehh) You introduced me to your world. Sobrang happy ko nun.

May usapan tayo na pag LDR mode tayo, wherever you are.. walang buwan di tayo magkikita. We will make it possible. Obvious din naman na since ako ang flexible ang schedule, ako ang pupunta sayo. I had a total of 14 flights last year just to make us work.

Nung after mo mag marawi.. nag bakasyon tayo. 3 days lang sana ako nun with you. We went to tagaytay. Pero all throughout may iniinda ka ng sakit. Papunta pa lang tayo, may problem ka na with your vision and head aches. hindi na tayo nag tour kasi the next day, pacheck up na tayo agad. After ng check up, bumalik tayo ng hotel (MAHAL NG HOTEL NAMIN LECHE! MAS MAHAL PA SA MARCO POLO).

naka idlip ako ng 10mins and ikaw di na mapakali.. hindi ka makahinga and everytime you breath.. may pain sa chest mo. you were in your phone calling someone pero mukhang di sumasagot. I rushed you sa tagaytay med. Ang heart rate mo bumababa ng 20 everytime nakakaidlip ka. Gusto ka na iadmit ng doctor dun ang mag undergo na ng series of tests. Ayaw mo kasi mas convinient if with the airforce ka mag pagamot.

Walang signal sa er and wala akong pang call kaya pinahiram mo phone mo para tawagan ang operations office nila. Nakita ko sa phone mo na tinawagan mo ng twice si alleged foster sister while inaatake ka and magkasama tayo. I was curious.. i went against what i believed in and checked your messages with her. PERO WTF!!!!!!! shit just got real!!!! Madami akong paglalanding nabasa.. but one thing that stuck on my mind was.

(again, not the exact words -- i also call him igorot sometimes and he calls me bisayang dako, this does not, however, reflect any bad indication or any negative label with its respective community and/or culture)

girl: Done na ako ligo! sobrang stressed sa trabaho.

igorot: Paamoy!

girl: ng ano? yung damit na hinubad ko?

igorot: hindi.. yung nag suot.

girl: wag po kuya.

ayyyyy leche.. ang landi! foster sister daw pala ha?!?

I stopped myself na iconfront ka kasi nagmumukha ka ng dying. When i did.. nashock ka. wala ka masagot. i created a letter sa phone ko and binigay ko sayo for you to read it. I was breaking up with you.. i'll make sure nalang muna na i'll let you settle in vluna and ma okay ka and i'll catch the next flight to davao. nag walk out ka.. syempre hinabol kita kasi may sakit ka and nag aantay tayo ng ambulance para ma admit ka sa vluna.

IKAW PA ANG GALIT. wala lang nga yun sabi mo.. mali nga yun pero wala lang yun sayo kasi bata nga yun si girl. (KA EDAD KO PALA SI ATE GIRL) nagalit ka kasi iiwan kita. blah blah blah.. eto si tanga, forgave you and gave you another chance. You asked me to stay with you and be with you.

I NEVER SLEEP IN HOSPITALS. may fear ako. First time ko din matulog ng naka upo. Hindi madali friends. ang sakit. Wala akong kain nun kasi on the go tayo but i stuck it through and inalagaan kita kahit wala akong experience or medical background. Naghanap ako paraan as to where maka buy din ng food for us kahit wala akong alam sa quezon city. IT WAS SUCH AN EXHAUSTING EXPERIENCE. BACK THEN I THOUGHT IT WAS WORTH IT.

After that ordeal.. hindi na talaga ako napalagay sa foster sister. always na siyang nabibring up. I even told you na i was barely holding on. Nagdrama ka pa nga one time kasi markado ka na sa paningin ko no matter how you prove yourself to me. reverse psych to the highest level.

Continue parin ako nun in going the distance. GINAWA KO LANG NAMAN ANG MANILA NA PARANG GMALL. Galit na mga taong mahalaga saakin but pinaglaban kita. I believed in you. I was always there for you.. sa mga frustrations mo.In fairness with you, ikaw din naman saakin. Kaya who wouldve thought diba?

Nung nadeploy ka ulit sa davao.. hatid sundo kita. Lagi kita pinapadalhan ng food. Sa apartment ko ikaw natutulog araw araw.

nag anniversary nalang tayo, bday ko, and valentines day.. I thought we were okay. Masaya naman tayo sa perception ko. Kahit walang grandeous ekek basta magkasama tayo.. masaya na ako.

Then came monday, February 26, 2018. BIGLA KA NGKIPAGHIWALAY. Nashock ako. What did i do wrong?? anong kulang?? i gave my all in this relationship. saksi mga tao niyan sa palibot ko.

KAHIT WALANG FLIGHT PAPUNTANG MANILA.. hinanapan ko ng paraan. Ang mahal ng ticket, pero pinikitan ko nalang. The odds where in my favor at buti din naman, may kotse din akong narent kahit last minute. (di ako marunong mag commute dun.) Wala din akong dalang anything. i went there with just myself, no change of clothes or even toiletries.

I was falling apart from monday till today. magkasama tayo lagi. tabi tayo magsleep. we always cuddle na parang walang problema between us.

Kaninang umaga (March 1), i already woke up crying. i cant fathom the pain. sobra sobra. i was always asking you na do i deserve this? i was so selfless with you. Lagi mong sabi.. wala na wala akong pagkukulang. you'll figure things out muna with yourself.

I chatted your alleged foster sister. NAGALIT KA WHY I DID IT. i told you, kailangan ko ng peace of mind. Hindi ako pala away.. i gave you to her. sabi mo hindi magiging kayo. I made you understand na its a harmless message.

Nashock si foster sister. DI PALA NIYA AKO KILALA. SABI MO SHE KNOWS! sabi mo alam niya lahat lahat. BUT you lied for the nth time!!!! She doesnt know that i exist. Nag ask ka ng favor if ikaw na mag explain sakanya and ikaw na bahala. Wag na ako magreply sakanya and all sabi mo. I agreed. sabi ko that message only and no more.

We parted okay. Syempre grabe parin iyak ko while driving back to manila. I always told you throughout those days.. find a way to come back to me. I was calling a close friend, umiiyak lang ako kasi i cant bear the pain and i was falling apart.

May weird gut feeling parin ako. I went against your request and i replied sa alleged foster sister mo. When i landed back in davao.. it was then i knew.. ISANG TAON MO NA PALA AKONG NILOLOKO! After everything!!!! after all the honesty, love, and support that i gave freely sa iyo.. grabe ka! I TOOK THE RISK IN THIS RELATIONSHIP KASI I THOUGHT YOU WERE MATURE ENOUGH AND YOURE DONE PLAYING GAMES.

You even met her dad and family! lagi mo siyang binbigyan ng pasalubong. KASAMA MO SIYA NUNG SAT pero ang sabi mo saaking, inuman bonding with classmates. sabi mo kasama mo pa si mistah mo papunta pabalik. ANDAMI MONG LIES and its all catching up to you. I TOLD YOU.. HONESTY GOES A LONG WAY AND NOT BEING SUCH WILL DESTROY YOU.. AND YES IT DID BIG TIME!

Naawa ako kay girl kasi she really likes you and nbsb pa siya. You fooled us. Ikaw ang pinaka worst decision i made in my life. AMINADO KA NAMAN SANA KUNG GAANO KA KASWERTE SAAKIN KUNG GAANO KITA INALAAGAN AND MINAHAL NG SOBRA SOBRA. PERO KAHIT ANTANDA MO NA.. IMMATURE KA PARIN.

I take back all the tears ive shed.. the undying love that i passionately gave you! I was so honest with you.. every galaw ko .. updated sa iyo kasi nga ldr tayo and para masecure kita. Sobra sobra ang loyalty ko.. everytime may mag text or chat na lalake reported agad yan sayo.

NEVER AKO NAGMUMURA.. pero putang ina mo! You will never be happy in life. Karma will claim you!!!!

I wasted a year of my life with you 1LT DANIEL M. BELEO JR (btw, soon to be captain)

ADVICE TO ALL WOMEN: TRUST YOUR GUT. IT IS ALWAYS RIGHT!

DISCLAIMER: i have nothing against the AFP and PAF. It is also not my thing to post things like this but ginamit mo ako. Pinaikot and ginawang tanga.

PS. within 5 mins of posting this, blinock ako sa facebook ng animal. haha

[howimetmybaby-blog]

How it feels to be emotionally disturbed during ur last few weeks of pregnancy...

Dear baby, its ur apparently 37w1d today (20 feb) corrected EDD. Alhamdulillah, you've been doing fine and you've been moving well. I'm getting more tired to be honest and havent started my stairs which i've been bugging ur abah but he is busy with his deliveroo i can't bear to make him more tired. Maybe i shall do more pilates and yoga.... Anyway, i know that the past few months have been good with u, but these few weeks i've been worried about a condition that suddenly became so worrying. I've been having black nails since young - i guess since i was even in my teens... But they didnt really get really dark but these few weeks, my nails have gotten darker and more of the nails have been getting the bands. I shouldn't have googled it, im regretting it soooo much because it is scaring the heck out of me. I don't want to think too much of it or even mention t because im afraid its true. I wanted to go to the polyclinic and ask for a referral to National Skin Centre to check it out but my mum, ur abah and Dr su asked me to wait it out until after i give birth to check. I guess that is the better iption, because i wouldn't want to be extra depressed during my postpartum if its really bad news. But im hoping not because i did read that pregnancy causes it too and there are ppl who got it during/after pregnancy - just that there're no follow ups since they posted those issues... Anyway, im trying to think positive as much as i can and really hoping its just a pregnancy side effect of skin pigmentation due to increase of melanin when pregnant (it usually darkens ur skin and freckles etc). Anyway, alhmdulillah, it seems like ur sister Nawwal is excited for ur arrival. I've been conditioning her and letting her know of ur arrival. Washed some clothes for u and she assured me that they were for u (even though some were her previously worn clothes) She admitted that thise were 'for adik', so alhamdulillah. Also, alhamdulillah, she is starting to like and accept school. No more cries to get ready for school for whole of last week. She even wanted to go to school at 10.30pm on of the nights last week. Ur abah and I had to bring her down to show her the school bus is not coming until morning. It was hilarious but really cute. :D I'm abit worried because i've been having negative feelings about ur abah's family. They didn't do anything wrong, but i just felt angry... I dunno why. But anyway, last week, ur aki & nenek bought a rank with fish for ur sister... I know it sounds bad but i told them that we will not be bringing the fish home because: 1. I can't be bothered to look after more living things - especially fish, and im having another baby for goodness sake... I don't need the additional stress. 2. I simply told them nobody is gg to look after the fish and I am lazy to do it. Yup, direct and simple to understand. 3. To be honest, i felt that Hafiz and I shouldnhave been consulted first if they could buy a pet for my child. Because come on, who will be the one responsible to look after the fish? Me or Hafiz, right? They are living things, they have lives that we have to look after, and if i cant even look after plants well, what about fish, who will clean the tank? Who will feed it? Me? Kirim salam ok... Yes, i know its for ur sister Nawwal, but i still felt because if it was to be put in our homes and its another (many more) living thing (s), then we should have been consulted on this too. Imagine if it was a cat? I would freak out even more and be deranged. Nasib bukan cat cos i kmow they're all afraid of cats. Lol! So, i told them they can keep the tank for nawwal at their place - they have bibik anyway she can clean the fish tank or whatever, im not gg to be responsible for it - and i hope they won't be so hurt about it. Im sure they're abit hurt but i was quite upset about it too... I kmow they wanted to be fair to all their grandchildren... But.... I seriously DO NOT like the idea of keeping animals in our homes except for in the freezer to be eaten. But this is not why i am having negative feelings about ur abah's family... I guess i have a love-hate r/s with them. But maybe i felt that we always had to sacrifice for them. Well, we didnt bisit them for more than a month... I felt that knowing how tight we are with our budgets and how busy ur bah is working, if they wanted to meet ur sister, they should come down and visit us instead of us having to spend alot of money travelling to their place all the time. But i guess they dont see that. I know sometimes ur abah hs an ego and act like he has so much money but i know how tight he is and how we need to strap ourselves, i even try to reduce buying pantry items because i just dont want to burden ur abah too much... I also feel they like to celebrate birthdays alot within themselves, lole, they had to celebrate ur aki's bday 2 times, on the actual day and the weekend... Cant they just choose one day? Anyway, i had other plans on the actual day (visit from Yi Xiu mummy's Poly friend) and the day after, supposed to celebrate ur aki@: bday again but i was so sick i couldn't get up, so we didnt go (although i kept asking ur abah to go with ur sister but he refused). Ur father's family are nice ppl, im talking about ur grandparents and great-grandparents, but sometimes, i guess we just have different frequencies. But sometimes im in awe by how ur father and i can be compatible for each other... Funny huh? Ur abah is a wonderful man, alhamdulillah. I feel so blessed to be married to him. He loves me, i know that but im quite a bitch i guess. Oh Allah plwase forgive me for my shortcomings... Today he finally put up the shelves in ur sister's room (Which u are gg to share with her by the way) and it looks better' im so happy because the walls have been looking so bare... He also hung up the hooks i boight since forever in ur sister's room and i love them too! Alhamdulillah!!! So anyway, yes, i've been a tad too emotional these past weeks since the googling thingy and i am tryungggg not to google about it again and will check after my confinement i guess. For now, im just gg to keep praying its just a pregnancy side effect and will go away post partum. I hope i will get to live a long life to look after ur sister and u and also be a better wife to ur abah and a better daughter and daughter in law to both sets of parents. And at the same time, u, in there, dont be a crybaby like mummy ok? Remember u are strong, no matter what challenges he gives u. I cant wait to continue adding more stuffs for u innour home, like ur cot and some cabinets. Hopefully ur abah can find time to make them work.... Ok dear, its late... Time to catch my forty winks. We'll meet soon ok? Very soon. Be good and make my labour easy please! Love you!!!