#to be clear: not my previous students' fault that those other classes sucked (mostly). comes with the territory of the mixture

[sedgwickpdf]

just looked at some of the poems my creative writing students turned in for this week and nearly started crying genuine tears of joy. i love this class and i love these kids and i think maybe five and a half years of primarily torturously stupid and inane teaching assignments was worth it to get here

[literaphobe]

Im so sorry...is your sister a minor

yeah she’s 17. i really don’t blame her it just sucks. anyway i think i needed to work through this but its also way too long so 

lol like that was supposed to be my birthday gift but it has now become a romantic getaway for a man and his gf (who is 18 years younger than him) and my sister and one of her friends. at like. one of the most expensive hotels in the country. the same man who guilted me into giving private tutoring to 8 students at a time while i was a student because he apparently is super poor and has no money and no job. (i started tutoring for extra money and to just. have a job. because he has also given me shit about that before too. if i don’t have a job i’m like a useless baby child who he can never trust to be responsible for her own life. turns out that was just a load of bullshit to trap me. and yeah i was teaching 8-9 students at some point and i think i was like telling him hey i don’t know if this is a good idea. its a little crazy. and he was like no u should keep doing it. its money u should just earn it. we aren’t doing great financially and at some point we might need ur help paying for ur sister’s tutoring classes. and so i did and it hurt me SO much last semester. + covid but also. it was tutoring mostly lmao) 

anyway i just. the thought of everything made me cry a lot in the shower lol. like that. quiet cry where u are sobbing uncontrollably but u have to mute it as much as possible so that ur mother who’s washing dishes in the kitchen doesn’t hear it

today we had some ikea furniture delivered. and i was assembling it. and my mom told me “when we were married i was always the one putting together the IKEA furniture. ur dad would always get frustrated and give up” and then in the shower i realized that’s exactly how my dad treats me lmao. i am.... his ikea furniture

so like. i can actually trace the most recent incident of abuse i faced from him back to when. i allowed him to “help” me with my university degree transfer issues. u know. because i couldn’t do the coding degree he pressured me into doing. and wanted to do something else (i could’ve gone to my uni open house w my friends. who ended up entering the arts faculty. and i WANTED to do psychology in the arts faculty too. but my dad and his gf were there. and they just. told me if i did that i would have no future and no job prospects when i graduated. which is SO fucking funny because both of them individually. their grades were super fucking shit and they were never good enough to get into the school that i did. so they had no fucking business telling me what i should or shouldn’t do. but i didn’t know that because they lied to me. my dad lied to me about so many things to scare me into thinking i couldn’t do anything. and at this point in my life. they were still monitoring my internet usage. and there were restrictions set on my phone. mere. months. before i was meant to be a university student. even getting restrictions off my phone was a big fight i had to have. i bought my own laptop with money i made from this f&b job because i knew if i waited for them to get one for me i would be waiting forever. and i was just so fucking scared of them so i got a. ‘practical’ degree. and then slid off my adhd meds because even that felt like part of the trap they kept me in for years) 

i decided i wanted to do linguistics and become a linguistics major but my school wasn’t letting me. and it had been a year. so i let him and my mom get involved. which i had SUCH a bad feeling about. an awful awful bad feeling. i was right lmao. i should’ve known his involvement wouldn’t have done shit and would also. set me up for yet another Major Traumatic Incident. which i have spent the entirety of 2020 trying to avoid. do you know how stressful and tiring it feels to just like. every moment around ur own father is u just trying to walk on eggshells praying and hoping that nothing bad will happen. i tried so hard and it fell apart in the end anyway. he couldn’t fix this problem so he took it out on me

my school essentially texted us back saying “we get a shit load of transfer requests every year, even from students from other schools. ur grades from the classes u took aren’t good enough to justify a transfer” and like they were right. i had been off my meds. various things in life had happened. my commute situation wasn’t helping matters either (to and from was 2 hours each) and it has just. not been great. grandad passed away like 2 weeks ago or something at that point. which. may have been an underlying cause for the situation. or maybe he was always going to blow up at me and get violent and crazy. idk

anyway. i guess u could say it is ‘my fault’ for cutting off contact w my father n not speaking to him. but also. he threatened to throw me into a mental institute. and also. violently refused to let me leave the house so he could keep yelling at me. he physically would not let me. i yelled at him to just let me go but he implied that he would actually hurt me if i tried to get past him again. and he said all sorts of shit like he can be crazy too and he can be crazier than me which is something he’s said before. what triggered me to leave was. ok so in the beginning he was giving me the same thing he has yelled at me about over the years. i am super super fucking smart but i waste it all away on purpose and refuse to get my shit together and that’s somehow a personal attack on him. i can’t remember most of it by now. but anyway. i was tearing up and keeping absolutely quiet just waiting for it to be over so i could leave and go to another room. but then he started to. yell at me for crying. its so fucking ironic and weird because in a separate previous incident i was complaining about my school and how much it all was. and i was barely raising my voice but he was like woah woah stop being so emotional!!! as if he doesn’t regularly scream and shout and punch walls or whatever the fuck over the SMALLEST bullshit. anyway. he started to scold me for crying. and then he said ‘if you go out in the future and get a job are you going to cry like this too when ur boss scolds you? or are you acting like this because i’m family and you think its okay?’ as if. i have never had a job. as if i have never had to deal with a boss. bro i swear to fucking god. i am dead to most things now because of him. he can’t do shit. but. in the moment i found this so ridiculous and just SO fucking stupid that i left. i had had enough. i started laughing and i walked out and went to grab my bag so i could go. i didn’t. get very far obviously. and when my dad started threatening me i genuinely thought i was going to die. he was so angry and deranged that i thought he was going to murder me. my heart was going just. so so so fast. even tho i was just standing there. and i told him he was terrifying me (to which he said “GOOD”) and i just NEEDED to get out of this situation and get some space (to which he said “NO” repeatedly). he refused to admit that he would use actual violence to prevent me from leaving the house. he told me he would NEVER let me leave. which was fucking ridiculous. i stay at his house. 2 days out of the fucking week. he literally shoved me backwards so hard when i was trying to leave and he wanted to stop me. he also refused to admit that he used violence or was planning to use violence. i tried to point out this flaw in his logic to him. i said ur going to hurt me. he said no. i said ok then if ur not going to hurt me then let me walk past you and leave the house. he also said no again. and then our cousins rang the door at some point. so then he started to come to his senses. he was like. ‘the reason i don’t want to let you leave is because i’m afraid you’ll hurt yourself.’ which was so fucking stupid. i have NEVER threatened to hurt myself in front of him. i have never shared ANY thoughts of self harm in front of him. he’s the one who would get into massive fights w his dad and threaten to jump out of the window in anger (and i don’t even mean when he was younger. he would fight with his 93 year old dad. fucking stupid bitch). i made this clear to him that i was never ever planning on hurting myself. and then he said fine and let me leave. meaning i had to answer the door to my cousins in tears while he got to walk back to his room and lock himself in

he also. at some point during this argument, told me there would be consequences to me leaving. i guess i know those consequences now lmao. and like. i went home to my moms house. my cousins walked me there. i still haven’t told them. idk if my dad told them. my dad texted me to gaslight me. said that when he said he was going to put me in a mental hospital he meant it as a friendly suggestion because of ‘the state i was in’. and that it ‘wasn’t meant as a threat’ and like. oof. healthy suggestions aren’t meant to be yelled. anyway. i might be texting him. just to inform him about developments and to like. i guess set boundaries maybe. idk. i can’t carry on like this. i hate him and am terrified of him but. cutting him out of my life is basically inviting ostracism from his side of the family. and it’s putting so much stress on me. so. lol

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 211: Jane, Stop This Crazy Thing

Previously on BnHA: The fifth and final joint training battle began with Team DekuRakaMinaTa VS Team MonoShinYanaYuiShou. (There’s probably a better way to combine those last five names. Maybe it’s time to retire this joke.) Anyways, All Might answered a phone call from Gran Torino and went to go chat with him about OFA, probably thinking to himself that surely he wouldn’t miss much in just the next five minutes or so! So while he was doing that, Shouda, Yanagi, and Kodai attacked Ochako, Mina, and Mineta with a bunch of huge flying objects. And Monoma confronted Deku and started taunting him, first trying to goad him into revealing his friends’ location, and then trying to bait him by snidely accusing his boyfriend of being the one who caused the demise of the Symbol of Peace. Fucking ouch. He almost baited me with that one tbh. Anyway, that really pissed Deku off, but because he’s a smart kid he still didn’t respond and instead went to blast Monoma with his air gun attack. Except that all of a sudden some weird fucking shit started happening and Deku’s right hand basically exploded with black lightning. Ah, well, you know. Just One for All things.

Today on BnHA: Flashback!Monoma (from like five minutes ago) bonds with Shinsou over having quirks that don’t necessarily make one think “hero!” at first glance. He asks Shinsou how he goaded Deku into opening his mouth back at the sports festival, and Shinsou says he insulted his classmates. Monoma is all “!” and we then cut back to the present, where Deku is all “NNNNNGHHHH” and scary black tendrils are lancing out from his arm every which way trying to either capture Monoma or flat out kill him (who can say). At first everyone is all “Midoriya fucking powered himself up again?” not realizing that for once it was unintentional and he has no control over it. Once Deku starts screaming at everyone to run away -- and the “new technique” starts ripping apart the entire fucking stage -- it kinda starts to sink in, though. All Might tells Aizawa they need to end the match, and meanwhile Ochako floats herself up and latches on to Deku and then calls out to Shinsou for help. Probably because she’s learned her lesson about waiting on the teachers to ever do anything, sob.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my mostly-unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’m caught up with the manga now at chapter 224, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

LOOOOOOOOL

so we’re opening chapter 211 in exactly the way that everyone was expecting! with a fucking Monoma flashback lmao

whoever was telling him that, they’re really fucking stupid by the way. Monoma legit has one of the best quirks in the game. all it means is he would work best on a team, that’s all

so he’s bonding with Shinsou (this is a flashback, obviously, so that first panel was a flashback-within-a-flashback) over them both having quirks that people looked down on

look at that, Shinsou. even fucking Monoma adopted you

oh my god hold up. do I ship it?? ...lol I’m not sure

lol well Shinsou is saying “that doesn’t make me happy” in response to Monoma declaring they were the same type. so now I know they can banter, and so the answer is yes, I do in fact ship it. this is not a thing I was expecting to happen in this arc. Shinsou I’ve gone from you being in the background every so often popping up to remind us you exist, to me having adopted you and shipping you with at least two people, one of whom is the kid who in the previous chapter was like “hey you know that thing that Bakugou secretly harbors horrible guilt over? let me just go and get in his boyfriend’s face and be all ‘yeah it totally was his fault.’” man. life sure is funny

and apparently this little weasel did it on Shinsou’s advice!

LMAO Monoma this is the role you were born to play. all you have to do to succeed is insult class 1-A omg. can you do it? it’s gonna be so fucking hard for you, so out of character. you’ll have to dig down deep

anyway so I’m not sure if this is Monoma or Shinsou monologuing here (though I’m leaning toward Monoma because he’s responsible for 8 out of 10 monologues in general when he’s around) (ETA: yeah it’s Monoma), but either way it’s an interesting speech

ahh, and now we’re back in the present!

ahhhhhhhhh

goddamn it Horikoshi. I have no idea whose thoughts these are. whatever, I’ll have to figure it out and come back to reanalyze it later

(ETA: so hey, now that we’ve caught up to this point, I finally have access to the Viz translations again! their translation makes a lot more sense, and makes it clear this is just a continuation of Monoma’s speech. here:

I appreciate the deeper look into Monoma’s psyche, but I don’t know if I buy into this argument that his quirk forces him to act unheroically. Shinsou’s quirk is a different story perhaps, but there’s nothing about the copy quirk that necessitates unscrupulous conduct in order to win the day. it just so happens that he is very good at goading others, and it only makes sense to use that to his advantage when he can. like, it’s a respectable strategy, if one that doesn’t necessarily win you a lot of friends. 

I for one don’t feel like he needs to justify himself; it’s a battle, and you gotta do what you gotta do to try and give yourself the edge, especially when you’re up against the fucking main character. but anyway, maybe he feels a little guilty deep down and has to rationalize it like this. or maybe he’s just trying to bond with Shinsou and be all “yeah I get you man, you don’t have a choice, it’s rough.” or maybe a little of column A and a little of column B, who knows. anyways.)

in the meantime, check out Monoma and Shinsou’s confused and slightly apprehensive expressions! “did Midoriya’s arm just fucking explode”

apologies to everyone reading this liveblog for getting myself spoiled btw. I probably robbed you guys of a delightful time of watching me freak the fuck out and thinking Deku had lost control of OFA again and was gonna blow his arm off or some fucking shit. but instead I’m just fucking excited because this little shrubbery of a boy is about to level the fuck up and he doesn’t even know it yet

you can see why alternate universe me would have been so concerned. it looks like he’s having a heart attack and being sucked into the void. it looks like Miroku’s kazaana from Inuyasha. oh my god

Monoma my respect for you just increased tenfold. look at you keeping your cool while not having the slightest fucking clue what’s going on

(ETA: actually this reminds me a lot of Katsuki facing the League of Villains and running his mouth at them and appearing confident but all the while having that one bead of sweat visible the entire time. Monoma has a lot more in common with him than he may think.

...in fact, I would totally read an AU where Monoma does more successfully in the cavalry battle and makes it into the tournament and consequently ends up drawing the League’s attention instead of Katsuki -- because he does do a very decent villain impression, this one -- and as a result he’s the one who gets taken. featuring a bonus rescue attempt led by Tetsutetsu and Kendou, and a Kamino arc that strangely enough ends up playing out very similarly to the one we actually got, in the end. anyways. it’s an interesting What If to think about.)

oh hey I just noticed the chapter title is “successor” and FUCK YEAHHHH are we gonna get the spoiler in this chapter? cuz then I can go back to not being spoiled again, so that’ll be nice

oh SHIT

“RUN” IS GOOD ADVICE MONOMA, I’D FUCKING LISTEN TO HIM?!

NOW IT REALLY LOOKS LIKE THE KAZAANA. except blasting black lightning shit out instead of sucking shit in

wow this is fucking amazing. I love the potential for future battles, given how powerful it seems to be and yet how he appears to have no fucking clue how to control it and so it consequently becomes a double-edged sword putting himself and his comrades at risk. it’s a lot like Eri’s power in that sense

also Deku is making some amazing faces in this chapter and I feel like we should be appreciative

Monoma is not doing a half-bad job of dodging this maniac who is trying to fucking kill him

jesus christ. maybe next time we don’t insult his boyfriend, Monoma

now he’s turning to call Shinsou and he looks pretty rattled tbh

but you know who doesn’t look rattled, like at all?

I burst out laughing in real life oh my god. they’re just like “...must be Tuesday”

I mean, this kid went from breaking all his bones to suddenly having super agility to being super strong without breaking his bones to using fucking wind attacks. they probably have no idea what his quirk is at this point and so they’re just assuming this is just another natural evolution

and the thing is, they’re not wrong

oh shit now Deku’s fucking flying toward Shinsou

have him brainwash you and command you to turn it off then!

also, I wasn’t sure with the previous chapter but now I am sure that they definitely do have sound (by “they” I mean the teachers and other students watching, that is), because they were able to follow all that stuff with Shinsou’s voice changer in the first match. so they can hear Deku saying that he doesn’t have control. so what I’m saying here is the teachers should definitely be calling this match off immediately

but will they? well, it’s U.A. so I think we all know the answer to that. it ain’t over till somebody croaks

jesus now we’re cutting to the scene from a distance and this shit is even crazier than I thought

TEACHERS ARE YOU GOING TO DO ANYTHING? NO? OKAY

TEACHERS, DEKU HAS LOST CONTROL OF HIS QUIRK AND IS SMASHING THE TRAINING STAGE APART AND TRYING TO KILL FRIEND AND FOE ALIKE. ARE YOU GOING TO PUT A STOP TO THIS FIGHT? NO? OKAY

ALL MIGHT, YOUR BELOVED PROTEGE AND ADOPTED SON IS FLYING AROUND UNCONTROLLABLY AND DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO STOP. ARE YOU GOING TO -- you know what. just, never mind

oh shit

ffff Aizawa looking at him like “what’s this now? ‘stop’?”

(ETA: Aizawa. Aizawa listen to me. I need you to look me in the eye and tell me honestly -- if All Might hadn’t said anything, would you have just fucking stood there until everyone fucking died? would you have done anything?? how much more of your problem child hupping all around the stage with this bucking bronco of a quirk screaming “STOP!! STOP!!” would you have calmly observed before it occurred to you to fucking do your job. tell me. be honest. listen, I love and respect you, dude, but sometimes you make me a little concerned.)

god I am loving this so much. this is not at all how I expected this last match to go

ahhhhhh noooooo

he’s scared! he says it hurts! oh shit I’m sorry Deku I didn’t know it was hurting you ah fuck

though that makes sense, because it’s blasting out of your right fucking arm, though, because it’s always that fucking arm, isn’t it. and whatever this new quirk is, it’s at 100% just like OFA was when you first activated it. and we all know that pretty much all quirks can do a lot of damage to the user if used at full capacity for too long

there’s another panel of Ochako staring in horror. there’s been a lot of those. is it just to show her concern, or is she planning something to help him (I have no idea what she could do though), or is she taking mental notes here and this means she’ll be hounding him with questions about his quirk after this and will eventually learn about OFA too?

(ETA: thankfully no one other than Shouto thinks to ask, and Shouto accepts the weakest of excuses without hesitation because this is the densest and most trusting group of kids to ever walk the earth. Deku your secret is safe for life. all he has to do is just shrug his shoulders every damn time. “fucking quirks, though. wild.”)

ahhh now we’re really getting into Deku’s POV and he’s freaking out bad flkajlkj

no baby no don’t cry it’ll be all right

fuck. he’s scared and he’s frustrated because everything was finally starting to go so well and he was finally getting the hang of things and on his way to being a reliable hero, and now this stupid fucking quirk is out of control again and it’s like nothing he ever experienced before, and it hurts and he has no idea what to do and he might hurt other people and fucking shit, someone help him!!

AHHHH

ONE FOR ALL YOU BETTER LISTEN TO HIM!!

is he crying blood??!

(ETA: sure looks like it. jesus Deku you’re dramatic as fuck.)

okay WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING

OH MY GOD

OCHAKO

girl when I said I had no idea what you could do to help him, that’s because I didn’t think you’d be crazy enough to fucking float yourself right at him when he’s losing it like this

goddamn that’s a ballsy fucking move though, shit

oh shit!

brainwash him and get control of him and then she can float him down to safety! yes!! do it!!

MY GIRL OCHAKO SAVING THE DAY AND MY BOY SHINSOU BEING BRAVE IN THE CLUTCH AND SAVING DEKU AS WELL AND HOPEFULLY GETTING INTO CLASS A FOR HIS EFFORTS. OH SHIT. THIS IS AMAZING. DOES THIS ARC HAVE HATERS?? I CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY IT WOULD OH SHIT I FUCKING LOVE ALL OF THIS

Shinsou looks like a deer in fucking headlights by the way. like someone just caught him doing something super embarrassing. haha I love it

oh my god I’m gonna go read the next one