#to assume the writers are able to see what they're putting up on our screens

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

The I feel like she sees me line being said to Eddie who is the person that truly sees Buck for all that he is. Are we supposed to take this line at face value which would indicate piss poor writing because they needed to rush to a horrible ending or do we take it as Buck being an unreliable narrator? What was the audience supposed to interpret from Buck saying that, were we truly supposed to believe him or we supposed to be pissed at Buck for saying this to the one person that truly sees Buck?

Good morning to me, I guess.

I'm assuming you haven't really seen people's reactions in the fandom on tumblr because I feel like I saw this said in quite a few posts going around, but you are absolutely not supposed to take this line at face value. I'm surprised that people think you should. 9-1-1 has from the beginning had a habit of turning friendships into romantic relationships (Bathena and Madney) and taking their time with these things rather than having an instalove situation. Even Karen and Hen, who meet when they're set up on a date together, don't instantly fall in love. I do not think they would set Eddie or Buck up for an endgame relationship with a woman by having them date that woman immediately, even if they didn't plan to make Buddie canon.

Buck is clearly struggling post-death. He's lost and once again looking for the answer from a romantic partner. He did a lot of growth in regards to his family relationships this season but not his romantic ones. Remember, his couch ended up destroyed and he asked his latest girlfriend to pick the new one out for him. Again. He's still not picking his own damn couch. After being unable to sleep on the one his mom gave him but passed out instantly on Eddie's where he ran to feel safe.

If people think this is all, somehow, an accident or the writers are doing this without knowing what they're doing, then I can't help you. Do you also think the symbolism I put into my fanfics are a total accident? Do you guys think I picked the name of the poem "Fuchsia Emerald Alizarin Rose" just because the colors are fun and they accidentally spell out F.E.A.R. or do you think maybe I did that absolutely 100% on purpose and was waiting for someone to realize?

Buck saying that to Eddie is 100% supposed to make the audience raise their eyebrows. Especially when we see Eddie's reaction. He's confused and he's hurt and he's annoyed. Eddie then spends his next few lines showing Buck (and us) that he sees Buck. Buck misses it, it goes right over his head, but the audience is shown that Buck is wrong and Eddie sees him.

I think there was a lot of internal stuff going on behind the scenes way high up the ladder that meant Buddie didn't happen this season. No, I don't mean that in a tinhatting way, I just mean that they knew Fox wouldn't renew them, they didn't know if they'd get picked up somewhere else, Fox hasn't promoted or cared about this show the way it has its other shows in a while, and I think it's pretty clear there was shuffling and changes going on with 6B. So I think things had to be put off. Similar to the pandemic, where I genuinely wonder what kind of season four we would've gotten if we'd had the full 18 episodes and hadn't had to work around Covid. I think that when we know there was a big shift going on behind the scenes, we need to have some grace and patience in how that will effect the story that's told on screen.

But I think that this default to "everything good we see on our screens is an accident and the writers are making shitty choices" is a horrible bad faith argument, and it's exhausting. Aren't you exhausted? I'm exhausted. Fandom shouldn't treat the writing and production team like their enemies any more than the writing and production team should treat the fans like their enemies in some kind of war they have to win (looking at you, GoT showrunners).

We are supposed to be annoyed that Buck is missing the point. We are supposed to see Buck's yearning to be a husband and a father, and how he's missing what's right in front of him. We are supposed to put two and two together and see that Eddie was hurt by Buck's words, that Eddie sees Buck, that Eddie is Buck's safe place, and that Eddie in that moment decided he might not have a chance with Buck and needs to move on, because previously we saw Eddie admit he wants romance again but he doesn't want to go out on dates, we saw his aunt say she met her husband through work, we saw him say 'we have time' and then we saw him immediately after Buck tells him about this new girl who "sees him" flee to visit his mother and then immediately actually try dating. On a meta level this is also because Eddie needs confidence in himself as a romantic partner and needs some more experience under his belt before he's ready to take the plunge with Buck, but in Eddie's mind, I think it's pretty clear he feels Buck will never want him back and he's trying to find the love he wants somewhere else, even if his heart is still Buck's.

So that's what I think. I think it's not explicitly spelled out for a few reasons, but frankly if one of them was a woman we wouldn't need it explicitly spelled out and personally I kinda like that it's not. Something that annoys me with M/F pairings is the constant "we all know you two like each other" talks from third parties that half the time aren't about the characters but are about the audience, to either tell the audience SEE THEY LIKE EACH OTHER THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT or to give the audience some fanservice while the characters aren't ready to get together. I don't need to be pandered to that way, thank you, so I'm a fan of the slightly more subtle approach that I, personally, see going on with Buddie.

If you or anyone else disagrees with me and feels it was just "piss poor writing" then that's entirely your right. I'd just appreciate it if people who feel that way would stop watching the show, and stop putting their complaints into the inboxes of people who clearly do enjoy the show.

TL;DR - You answered your own question, Buck is an unreliable narrator (and always has been) and we are supposed to be frustrated he said this to Eddie who has proven time and again (and does so in that very scene) that he sees Buck.

[redtalksaboutstuffandthings]

Anime Ramble 2: Banana Fish is mid

So, once again I'm going to use this empty blog to ramble incessantly about something that only matters to me. Specifically, the gay romance in a crime thriller anime. It took up my thoughts all day, today, and if I don't write them down I'm going to explode.

Banana Fish was written in the 1980's, but received an anime adaptation in 2018. And having watched the whole thing through, I fully believe that the story was written in the 80's. It has a very 1980's idea of what gay people look like and do, and I mean that in all the worst ways.

(Content Warning: Sexual Assault, Pedophilia, Homophobia. It's a deep hole we're going down.)

Banana Fish is the story of Ash Lynx, a runaway mafia hitman with a 200 IQ who is a crack shot with a revolver, spends his free time at the New York Central Library, and whose kill count exceeded his age somewhere around the time he was 15. His romantic interest is Eiji, Japanese photographer and the show's resident Very Good Boy.

Ash is gay. Or at least, that's how he's presented. He has an estranged relationship with his father, which apparently happened sometime after Ash was repeatedly assaulted by an adult, when he was eleven, and Ash was eventually forced to kill his abuser. Why is Ash's father so distant and harsh, even though he knows all of the stuff that happened to his youngest son? Unsure. The show asks the question, and there's a slight hint that a reconciliation is possible, but ultimately Ash's father isn't on screen long enough to provide a clear answer.

If I were a cynical person, I would point out that "a history of being a sexual abuse victim" and "an abusive father figure" are two very common "reasons" given by bigots who want to explain why gay people exist and why their state of mind is a mental health issue. This would have been especially true in the 80's, where homosexuality was only recently removed from the DSM as a mental disorder. However, I'm not a cynical person. I'll just assume that the writers just didn't have enough time to give us a compelling reason.

ASH AND EIJI ARE CUTE TOGETHER, I GUESS

The relationship between our two leads has quite a few nice points going for it. Ash makes a big deal about how tragic his past is and how he can't trust anyone, but around Eiji he's allowed to be his authentic self, without fear of judgment or betrayal. Their interactions together, particularly in safe moments where there isn't a bad guy to fight, is a very realistic depiction of what two good friends might get up to, when they're alone together. They enjoy each other's company, have a lot of cute moments, and there are even what I would identify as clear moments of emotional intimacy, that made for compelling viewing. I do, however, have two main issues with it.

The first is a phenomenon I'm beginning to see quite frequently, in the world of yaoi. It's what I refer to as the "Uke's dillemma." I can understand what Ash gets out of the relationship. A person who accepts him for him, who can look past his violent existence and treat him like a human being is something valuable and healing to him, and the show makes no bones about that. However, I find myself less able to answer what Eiji is getting, from the relationship.

His only real flaw as a character that Ash might be able to address is the temporary loss of his confidence, that he experienced before meeting Ash. That basically gets resolved a few episodes in, with a scene where he has to help save multiple people, including Ash. For the rest of the show, it really feels like Eiji is purely there for Ash's sake. He, being (as I mentioned previously) a Very Good Boy, sees a person who's clearly suffering, underneath the mask of a totally cool badass mafia assassin, and decides to show Ash the milk of human kindness in order to heal his pain and remind him that he's actually a person, and not just a wild animal that needs to be put down.

And while that's cute and cool and very much worth putting to film, that's not exactly a good reason to enter into a romantic relationship with someone. In fact, that feels more like a good reason to adopt a shelter animal.

0/10. NO HAND HOLDING

The second problem with the romantic relationship between our two leads is that... it's not really a romantic relationship. Like, make no mistake. It's not like I was expecting these two boys to spend their free time with their hands down each other's pants. However, they don't really do anything that indicates that they're in a relationship. They spend a lot of time together. They're clearly willing to throw down, when the other is in danger. They even share a few moments of genuine tenderness. But spending time and being emotionally intimate with your friend isn't gay, no matter what the dude-bros tell you, and neither they nor anyone around them seem to give any sort of indication that they should be read as being romantically involved.

Okay, they kiss, once, but I'll get to that in a second.

By itself, this isn't a big deal. It might even be a point in the show's favor. Considering how sleazy they make the world of gay people, how overloaded the plot is with sexual assaults and horrible, senseless violence, the fact that they make the relationship we're meant to root for wholesome? Not the worst decision.

It's a little weird, though. I mean, this was the chance for the show to show us what a good gay relationship might look like. It's a chance to show how Ash would engage with a partner he genuinely loves, when there isn't a gun to his head. A chance to present what a healthy, constructive relationship could look like, even in an environment as ugly as Banana Fish's. And what they gave us... was a very good friendship. Like, an outstanding friendship. A friendship I would happily defend, were it lucky enough to come my way. But that's all it is. You could honestly walk away from the show with the idea in your head that Eiji was straight, and was only staying close to Ash because he's a Very Good Boy and could see it was what Ash needed.

But... I'm overthinking this, maybe. A friendship is a good thing to put on screen, I think. Besides, even if they don't ever say the "L" word, there's enough subtext for you to be able to make the educated guess that they love each other. I don't need to give this any more thought. I could just sit back, and enjoy the wholesome vibes of Boy Assassin and Very Good Boy.

BUT IF I WERE A CYNICAL PERSON...

The show presents gay sexuality as being "bad." I'm not even sensationalizing. Ash's first crimes, his first acts of evil that send him down the violent road he finds himself on, happen as a direct result of being raped as a child and needing to defend himself. The show's main antagonist is a sadistic gay mob boss who's obsessed with owning Ash like a collector's item. Sexual assault and rape are employed or threatened by every throwaway minion who has any sort of power over the protagonists. The cast can be split into three groups: people who rape and abuse people, the victims of abuse... and Ash, who half the time is in the victim category, but the other half of the time uses sexuality as a cover for dishonest behavior.

Ash is openly sexual, at times, but these are always in controlled moments. Often, it's to distract or to call in a bad guy, so he can incapacitate or kill them when they're off guard. That time we get our big kiss between Ash and Eiji, it was all part of a clever ruse on Ash's part to sneak a message out of prison, and not an actual expression of love. For Ash, sex is either something that happens to him, or that he uses to get something he wants.

So, imagine the opportunity presented in front of us, here. Ash has a Very Good Boy, around. One who will not judge him, won't betray him, and who he can finally be his genuine self with. And when given that opportunity, the writer's apparently decided that their perfect gay relationship, the relationship Ash was going to have with his designated soulmate... is one that can easily be mistaken for generic friendship. One where you complain about food, together, but you sleep in separate beds. Where you call your partner "big brother" and only ever touch them when you're having a nervous breakdown and (understandably) need to be held. Where you never say the "love" part out loud, and none of your friends say it out loud, either.

And... I'm not a cynic. I'm not. But if I were, I could have a field day with this. I could write the entire world of Banana Fish as the sort of Gay Experience Conspiracy Theorycrafting that was absolutely rife in the mid and late 20th century. Because it seems like what the writers are suggesting is that the key to being happy as a gay character is to not be gay.

Being gay, according to the writers of Banana Fish, is a sort of corruption, that happens because you were abused and traumatized. Only bad people express thoughts that could be construed as gay sexuality, and in every case it's just meant to serve some greater purpose. Breaking a person's spirit. Getting them vulnerable so they can be killed. And when you find somebody who can finally let you heal from your trauma, all you ever wanna do is take Japanese lessons with your Very Good Boy friend who isn't your boyfriend. Let me just make that last part clear. He's just your very good friend, who just so happens to be a Very Good Boy, and the two of you don't even hold hands.

And then when it's time for your Very Good Boy friend to leave, to go to Japan and back to his regular Very Good Boy life, the moment you even think about going after him, you're gonna get stabbed in the street and murdered, as the consequences of your evil lifestyle finally catch up with you.

((Spoiler alert, btw.))

THAT'S HOW I'D READ IT, IF I WERE A CYNICAL PERSON

Luckily, I'm not a cynical person. I'm sure it's just a coincidence that all that could be inferred from a casual viewing. Surely, I'm just mad that the anime tagged with "gay" and "romance" didn't have enough obvious romance in it.

In conclusion, Banana Fish is a competently animated and drawn crime thriller. It's protagonist is a Mary Sue, but for the story it's telling that's not the worst thing he could be. Any sort of conspiracy theories I have about the writers and their opinion of gay people are probably irrelevant. 6/10. Watched it while I was sick. Killed time while the virus was being killed.

[iamanartichoke]

Fic prompt: If you feel like doing another hurt/comfort with Mobius, I would love a version of that end scene where Loki's freaking out but it actually is our Mobius. So Mobius listens to everything Loki has to say, and then they just kind of...take a breath, I suppose, before whatever they're going to do to fight Kang - perhaps Loki gets some tea, and/or an actual meal, a little sleep maybe (has he eaten since that cake on the train or slept since that brief nap in ep 2??), or whatever comfort-y stuff you want - I just need that sweet fic healing lmao.

@scintillatingshortgirl19 Thank you for the prompt and I hope you like it! <3

Summary: Takes place at the end of episode 6, where instead of saying "Who are you?" Mobius knows Loki and they pick up from where they left off in the void. Word Count: 1956 Author’s notes: I'm not feeling super confident with these prompts, so please don't judge me bear with me as I dust off my little writer-brain gears and try to find my footing with these new characters and characterizations.

Completed prompts.

*

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Mobius is saying, holding his hands up, but Loki can’t stop talking. The words are spilling from him; he’s tripping over them, and from the look on Mobius’s face Loki knows he’s not making sense, but still, he can’t stop.

“He’s set on war,” Loki babbles. “We need to prepare, Mobius.”

“Hang on.” When Loki pauses to take a breath, Mobius reaches out and places his hands on Loki’s shoulders. It’s almost comical, the way he needs to reach, as Loki towers over him. Yet Loki feels very small, too, and doesn’t protest the contact. “You’re speaking faster than my brain can process words. Breathe, okay? Start at the beginning.”

Loki doesn’t know when the beginning was. It could have been the moment he’d leapt up and grabbed Sylvie’s arm before she could land a fatal blow to their enemy; it could have been all those days (or months, or hours, Loki has no idea; time, for him, has completely ceased to exist) ago that he’d landed in a Midgardian desert and the TVA immediately swarmed upon him.

“You’re not understanding me.” Frustration colors Loki’s tone. “There’s no time to stop; he’s - they’re - coming.”

“You’re right, I’m not understanding you.” Mobius lets go of Loki’s shoulders and rubs the back of his neck. “I want to, but you gotta slow down and fill me in, okay?”

“Maybe we should take him somewhere,” says B-15. Loki had barely noticed her but now he steps back, his gaze flicking from her to Mobius, taking in the confusion on both of their faces.

“You don’t look so good,” B-15 adds, taking in Loki’s appearance. He must be a sight, he realizes; his hair is matted and tangled and he feels grimy, his skin caked with so much dirt and blood from injuries he doesn’t remember getting.

But, what difference does it make? Loki turns back to Mobius, desperate. “Mobius, listen to me. Sylvie and I -”

“Come on.” Mobius cuts him off. He moves in, taking one of Loki’s arms. “You can tell me everything, okay, Loki? I just need you to calm down and to come with me, preferably before you pass out. Hauling around a five hundred pound demigod wasn’t on my to-do list today.”

Loki bites back a sharp retort. He’s vaguely aware of B-15 taking his other arm, and it’s only once Loki’s shoulders slump and he allows himself to be led away from the shelves that the exhaustion hits him. He’s been running high on adrenaline for hours, and now that he’s moving slowly, supported on either side, all of that energy seems to drain from him at once. His knees buckle.

“Careful,” Mobius says. Were it not for him and B-15 holding him up, Loki is certain he would have collapsed. He squeezes his eyes shut and focuses on placing one foot in front of the other, not caring where they’re going. The archives, the time theater, one place is the same as another.

They move through halls that are bustling with activity, minutemen running and disembodied voices crackling over speakers. They don’t know it’s pointless, no amount of hunters in the field will matter or make a difference.

He thinks he says so, or perhaps he just imagines he does. Neither Mobius nor B-15 acknowledge him, at any rate; they only keep moving and after awhile, they arrive at the dormitories, where Loki has not been since the first day Mobius brought him here as an official TVA employee.

“Why are we here?” Loki asks, confused.

“So you can get a shower and a change of clothes,” Mobius says simply, “and then we can have some coffee and you can tell me what happened after the void.”

Loki sighs, and then nods, resisting the urge to insist that everything else could wait (until when?), because Mobius isn’t understanding the precariousness of the situation, but he knows it won’t do any good.

“Fine,” he says instead, giving up. The sooner he does what Mobius asks, the sooner Mobius will listen.

He’d not realized just how badly he needed that shower and change of clothes until he’s scrubbed the dirt and blood from his skin and allowed the hot water to beat over his sore muscles and rapidly-forming bruises. For lack of anything else to wear, he puts on a clean suit, fastening the cuffs firmly around his wrists and buttoning the collar up to his neck.

He’s sick of this outfit; he never wants to see it again but, without his magic, he has no other choice.

In the dormitory kitchen, Mobius is brewing a pot of coffee. He looks up when Loki walks in, and his mouth quirks in a half smile. “Better,” he says, “but you could still probably use some sleep and a meal.”

“Stop fussing,” Loki snaps, irritated with Mobius’s sudden desire to hover over him like a governess hovering over a petulant child who won’t eat his peas. “I hate coffee, by the way.”

“You’ve never had my coffee,” Mobius retorts, sounding unbothered. “Just sit down, okay? You still look like hell, is my point. When’s the last time anyone fussed over you, anyway?”

Loki makes a scoffing noise as he drops down into a chair at one of the small kitchen tables. “I’m sure my mother did at some point, I don’t remember.” Actually, he remembers very well that it was always his mother who looked after him when he was sick or tired or lonely, until he’d grown too old to allow himself to seek her out for comfort.

But he doesn’t want to think of his mother, who is lost to him and perhaps lost to the real Loki as well, the sacred timeline’s Loki, if enough time has progressed and Malekith has indeed run her through with a sword and left her bleeding out on the palace floor.

Loki shudders as he thinks of it, remembering the sight of his mother’s lifeless body projected onto a screen. He’d been helpless to stop it, utterly powerless, just as ultimately he’d been powerless to stop Sylvie.

His mother, dead. Sylvie, lost to him. The timeline destroyed - the end of everything. The weight of it all crashes over him; had he not already been sitting, the sheer despair of it would have brought him to his knees.

Loki drops his head into his hands instead, thinking back to Mobius’s words that first day: you were born to cause pain and suffering and death.

In retrospect, Loki knows that Mobius was merely fighting dirty, using whatever words necessary to break Loki down - the ends justify the means, and all that - but he wasn’t goddamn wrong.

How could Loki have ever believed, even for a second, that he could possibly change?

We write our own destinies now, he’d told that creepy little clock hologram, and she’d smirked, seen right through the words because they were rubbish and they both knew it.

Good luck with that.

Loki doesn’t realize he’s crying until Mobius sets down a steaming mug of coffee in front of him. He lifts his head and rubs tiredly at his tear-stained cheeks, unable to meet Mobius’s gaze as Mobius sits down across from him with his own mug.

“Here,” Mobius adds, reaching into his inside blazer pocket. He pulls out a slim, red candy stick wrapped in plastic and hands that to Loki as well.

Loki stares at it. “What is this?”

“Something better than grapes or nuts,” Mobius says dryly. “It’s a Twizzler. Popular Earth candy. I’d say don’t tell anyone I’ve stashed a bunch, but …” He trails off and shrugs, glancing around at the kitchen with forced amusement. “Doesn’t really matter anymore, does it?”

He pulls out a second Twizzler and unwraps the plastic, then bites into the candy. Loki watches him for a moment, and then imitates him. “Gross,” he says, after he’s taken a bite. It’s a very bland candy, with texture not unlike rubber. “Think I prefer grapes.”

“Well, maybe Twizzlers are an acquired taste,” says Mobius.

Loki finishes the Twizzler anyway, and then takes a sip of coffee. He does usually dislike coffee, but either he’s hungrier than he’d realized or Mobius has a gift, because this cup is actually quite good.

“Okay, now let’s go back to the beginning,” Mobius prompts, after a silence. He drums his fingertips against the table. “What happened? I’m assuming you were able to enchant the murder cloud?”

All of the words that had been spilling from Loki’s lips before, so desperate to be released, now get stuck somewhere in his throat. He wraps his hands around his mug and takes another sip of coffee, wondering idly how long it had been since he’d actually had something warm to drink. Or eat, for that matter. The train on Lamentis, perhaps. A moment ago, a lifetime ago.

“We did,” he finally says. Despite the coffee, a chill breaks out over his skin and he sets the mug down, choosing to fold his arms as if to fold into himself for warmth. “We made it past Alioth and found him - the one who’s responsible for all of this.”

Just like that, the words are no longer stuck. Loki pours out the entire story, starting from when he and Sylvie had crossed the threshold into the citadel and ending with his own tumble back through the tempad’s portal into the TVA.

But he omits the kiss, only mentioning that Sylvie had distracted him to get the upper hand. He’ll never speak of it - either that Sylvie had used his feelings for her in order to betray him, or that he’d fallen for it (of course he’d fallen for it; for a few seconds there, he’d let himself believe - but, it doesn’t matter, it wasn’t real, and there are bigger problems now).

“She closed the portal before I could get back through it,” Loki says. He notices that he’s twisting his fingers together so tightly that his knuckles are turning white. He forces himself to stop. “I can only imagine she finished the job after that because, well.” He barks a laugh that sounds, even to his own ears, broken and pathetic. He used to be so good at maintaining a cool, calm facade but it, like so many other things, had been steadily breaking apart, piece by piece. There is very little left to guard the scared little ice runt who trembles at the core.

“Look at the timeline,” he adds; he laughs again and rubs his eyes against a fresh wave of tears.

For a long time, neither of them say anything. Loki finishes his coffee and Mobius eats two more Twizzlers before another word is spoken.

“So we lost.” Mobius’s voice is hollow. “We lost before we could begin to fight.”

“I’m sorry.”

Mobius shrugs. He runs a hand over his short, gray hair before letting out a laugh of his own. “He Who Remains,” he repeats, more to himself than to Loki.

Loki allows a beat to pass. “We have to try to fix it, Mobius.” The only way to ease the weight of his guilt, Loki knows, is if he goes back and tries to make it right - or to die trying.

“How are we supposed to do that?” It’s Mobius’s turn to rub his eyes. His shoulders slump and for a moment, he looks very tired. Older. Loki studies him and wonders, fleetingly, if the real Mobius is someone’s father. “I don’t even know where to begin, Loki.”

“I might.” Loki straightens. Deep down, beneath the anguish, a seed of determination has taken hold and he focuses on that; a lifeline. “But you’ll need to trust me.”