#to answer the stupid depression questionaire after he told me nope youre totally fine

[randomstarmuffin]

[It's dumb and non productive but I am going to post this anyways. Please ignore me and my whining but it needs to be out there, if only for a little while. This is really stupid, to willfully post about my breakdown publicly, but if it tells you anything at all I really dont care right now.]

Lol dont mind me just crying in my car bc I finally made an appointment with a psychiatrist and my worst fears were realized which is that i DONT have adhd and I went and made a fool of myself being so sure about it to all these health professionals but it's so STUPID because i cant give up my laundry list of symptoms that just! Make sense! And I can't like. I cant even say anything I mean I didnt say anything and to be fair I got the depression thing confirmed which is great but I dont know. I dont know! Maybe I was so focused on ADHD being the answer because I didnt want to face up to the depression or something but I have to wait til monday to see my therapist and even then I still feel like a fool! She was taking me seriously and everything. This is probably why I didnt want to make the appointment. I got my hopes up that maybe my brain was just Like That but nope it's not and I feel like shit for thinking it was when people actually have to deal with it and I just wanted this One Thing to make sense and my stupid pride still secretly thinks I'm right and hes wrong and I just. Fuck me. I have to go to work in a few hours? Fuck. I dont want to go inside because I dont want my mom to have to deal with this even tho shed be mad if she knew I was avoiding her for this exact reason and I'm just a fucking mess. I guess I should take those prescribed drugs or something for that. Fuck. Is it unreasonable or reasonable to want a second opinion on something like that. Or is there something else that's like adhd but you're still able to correctly click a button when boxes appear on the upper part of the inside of other boxes or am I just a total fool. Fuck. On the bright side I havent been able to properly cry for myself and myself alone in a VERY long time so maybe that's a progress of some kind. I guess. God it's so STUPID I'm finally making myself take care of myself and somehow I'm still setting that process up for failure why cant I just be glad to get the antidepressants and TRY them I've been sitting here for like 20 minutes not wanting to go inside. I was fully prepared for the whole "psychiatrists arent the most personable" thing and wasnt going in with expectations that thered be a connection or to even like him but GOD DAMN excuse me for not expecting to walk out and madly avoid the guy on the sidewalk so I could safely get to my car and start crying. Its dumb because I always thought this could be the case, I guess. Like, even knowing it was probably coming, ... I dont know. I dont know. I'm sorry I'll shut up now I wish you could do readmores on mobile but I'm clearly avoiding interacting with the people I know irl so I'm just gonna leave this here so the universe knows I was alive and did in fact have feelings. I dont know. Maybe I'll delete this in a second. On the bright side I got myself to stop crying...