#to ''hey please don't shit on 16 year olds who just started writing and making them feel bad that their writing isn't immediately stellar''

[intersexalastor]

one of these days we're going to have to reckon with how we talk about and treat fan authors, especially new writers, relative to other fan content like fan art. the blatant and casual disrespect directed towards fic writers is so normalized and i guess not-so-oddly mirrors how (at least the western side) the world has treated authors through the years. if i took half of what is said about fan authors or specifically their work, and applied that to fan art or fan artists, i have no doubt that i would be ripped to shreds.

anyway. if you guys could. like. just refrain from casually dropping how bad you think authors are or how shitty we are at making things. that would be swell.

[brett-is-afraid]

what's your experience with rpf to create trauma??

So, the tldr of it is that I had people write rpf of me (and the trauma I experienced as a child) when I was a minor (less than 16) and send it directly to me. They harassed me with it and would create new accounts to do so.

I'll explain everything more under the cut.

Massive trigger warning for sexual abuse of a child, harassment, stalking, incest, rape, suicide baiting, mentions of abortions, transphobia/misgendering, and generally people just being fucking awful??

I'll section off the part that's extremely graphic (this is the part where I get into the details of what was actually said/done explicitly) so you can avoid it. It has bold red letters telling you when it starts and finishes.

But like, this is not light. Please don't read further if you're bothered by this kind of stuff. But do keep in mind that I've healed a lot from this experience now.

So, I have a lot of trauma from my childhood. Both sexually and just generally.

I've never really gone into details about it online because frankly I just don't want to.

But when I was about 14, I was having a really difficult time with school and my real life. So, I decided to make a Tumblr account to connect with other people. (Worst idea ever, tbh. don't have a tumblr when you're 14 lol /hj)

I'd shared some of what had happened to me in anti circles because I used to be an anti. I was never telling anybody to kill themselves or anything like that, but I made TONS of posts talking about how toxic a certain ship was and anyone who defended it was weird and creepy.

I was generally very accepted within the anti circles and I got a lot of support for my sexual abuse.

However. At the age of about 15, I switched sides. I'd always liked ships that were also problematic, so I found it easy to kind of realize that "hey what I'm doing is shitty."

And that's when the issues started.

I was 15 years old with unfiltered access to the internet. And like a lot of 15 year olds, I did a lot of stupid shit.

But mainly, I was just very vocally pro ship. I'd reblog antis posts and tell them off. I'd make tons of posts of my own. I was just generally very open and very vocal. I was very, very argumentative. Like most teenagers with trauma online are.

I would often clap back at antis who compared fiction to csa and go "well I'm a victim of csa and I'm using it to cope" and "don't compare fictional content to actual sexual abuse."

And this is where stuff kinda got bad.

A bunch of antis, some of them being people I used to be friends with, started making callout posts about me.

And in these posts, they pointed out I had experienced sexual abuse as a child. And some details got leaked. Nothing major, just the ages I was when that kind of stuff started happening, but it was still part of my trauma that got shared without my consent.

And this is when stuff really started to get bad.

At some point when I was 15, I pissed off an adult so badly that they began harassing and stalking my account. They'd send me tons of hate messages and anons. They'd make new accounts to send me more if I blocked them.

Some of these things would be "stories" they wrote about me being abused and would then send directly to me.

People, for lack of a better word, wrote rpf of my real life trauma when I was 15 years old and sent it to me. They'd write paragraphs of "stories" where I was experiencing sexual trauma, sometimes where I was enjoying what was happening to me. And they'd ask if they got it right or if I enjoyed what they wrote. A lot of times they'd say "well she must like what I wrote cause she likes to write that kinda shit."

At the time, I didn't write or engage with rpf. I was a pro shipper in regular fictional fandoms, so this wasn't even an argument.

I dealt with a loooot of transphobia back then.

Extremely graphic part coming up

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In these messages, they'd tell me to kill myself a lot. And would detail how they thought I should do it. They'd send me gore and self-harm pics. To the point where I wouldn't even look at my messages anymore.

They also told me that I deserved my sexual abuse and they'd speculate on what had actually happened. They'd speculate on who had sexually abused me and what exactly they did.

Their favorite was writing short stories (a few paragraphs in length usually) where they'd go into detail about various male figures in my life abusing me in graphic detail. And enjoying it.

They'd send me messages where they'd discuss that I "probably liked" the abuse and that's why I was pro ship.

One thing I remember stuck out in particular to me was a time when I received a message where they told me they hoped I got raped so much that I needed to keep getting abortions and it "ruined my body."

After that, I received plenty of messages where they said that I probably already had. And that they hoped it kept happening to me.

I also remember that I was told a lot, "you seem like one of those kids whose dad's used their cock as a pacifier." Like, messages like this happened A LOT. I don't know what it is that made people cling to that sentiment, but they loved it. They'd switch out 'dad' for various other male figures and would change up the statement a little. But they were in the same vein.

Like I said before, a lot of people would just speculate on the details of what happened to me too and treat it like it was some funny game.

And keep in mind, a lot of different people made posts about/towards me. This wasn't just an isolated incident.

Not all of them were as severe, but I got tagged in posts telling me to kill myself, tagged in self-harm/gore a lot.

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Extremely graphic part over

It came to a point when a person made a tumblr account where they....I guess impersonated me? It was like a mix between impersonation and parody.

They used my username at the time, just changing one word out to make it more graphic. (So, if my username was something like foxlikebox, they changed it to foxlikecocks. This was not it, this is just an example.)

And they did their bio to make it seem like they were me. And they'd post all kinds of horrible stuff "as me." (Reminder, I was like 15 years old at the time.)

They'd also screenshot ALL of my posts that they could and they'd crop/edit them to be something bad. They'd constantly reblog my posts and do this kind of thing too. But most the time, it was them screenshotting it to make it seem like I'd said something bad.

I don't remember exactly how it stopped, but one day, it did. I've since deleted that account and any traces of it. And I hope I never have to deal with that again.

Having been through that, it always feels a little ridiculous when people hit me with "well what if people were writing smut about you" because people WERE. People were writing absolutely vile stuff about me. When I was 15 years old. And I still support rpf to this day because I think it's fine as long as you're not sending that type of content to the person. (And obviously not genuinely wishing them harm, ofc.)

[bookwyrminspiration]

i think my views on the kotlc characters have changed a lot as i've gotten older- like when i was younger, around 11 or so, I was a lot more opinionated (and hate-y) towards some of the characters, particularly Keefe, because I saw these Cool Older Teenagers and assumed that they should be able to deal with these things rationally- and then when I was like 14 and around the age of the characters, I had calmed down a little bit and still saw the characters as annoying, but they had their reasons for not being perfect

and now i'm older than that, and my only view is "these kids are so traumatized and they do make mistakes but my GOD, it's because they have no support system whatsoever, I can't really hate these kids, because they're literal children! they are kids, give them a break"

you phrased this so well I am in awe, nonsie! there's this progression of opinions you form on the characters as you go that's shaped by how mature you are at the time. that's not to say 11/12 years old are inherently immature, but just three or four years can make a huge difference this early on in life, and someone who is 16/17 is going to have a very different perspective. it almost feels like middle grade years are the formative years where you shift from being the child who just reads and enjoys it all, to realizing that there's actually outside influence and implications of these worlds. it's like you take off these rose colored glasses you weren't intentionally wearing and suddenly everything actually has a lot more to it than you thought

i can distinctly remember when I first started reading the series (I would've been like...ten) I was actually annoyed with the worldbuilding...because it was exactly what I wanted to write in my own story, and I didn't want to accidentally plagiarize. I literally couldn't think of a more perfect world than keeper, and I loved all the characters and just went along with everything that was written because it was fun and didn't think any more of it. And while I personally didn't have a lot of strong opinions, it was really easy to just hear one thing and go with it. There was actually another girl at my school who read the series who was strongly sophitz, and there wasn't any reasoning behind her argument other than that's just what it should be. So I think reading the story at that age makes it really easy to fall into the "exuberant child who doesn't understand all the nuances of fandom and social media just talking loud" stereotype--you know, like with the all caps screaming about ships and hating characters with no meaning behind what they're saying? I know I've done some of that in the past (and it is incredibly embarrassing to think about, ngl), so please don't think I'm trying to shame or demonize these kinds of people. It's just an observation that people like that are almost always young and grow out of it.

and then when I moved away from that, I mostly kept quite and saw them as my peers, which made it a lot easier to see them as annoying but be less vocal about it. and I think I also separated myself from the story a little more and realized that not everything negative people saw with the story meant that I was a bad person for enjoying it. because I do enjoy keeper! as much shit as I talk and problems that I have with it, at the end of the day I talk about it because keeper means something to me. Being Sophie's age (which ranges from like 11-14 in human years, I think), and especially on the older side, was like a transition into being more critical and aware of the series. I'd read more things since then and just had more experiences, so I no longer idolized the world Shannon had built, but I didn't become more critical of it other than the occasional "hey logically how would this work?" thing. I'd read stories with more complicated plots and more sophisticated word choice, so now keeper and its characters weren't this huge inspiration, though I did still follow along with what a lot of other people said.

but, just like you, now I'm older than Sophie and more in the middle of the friend group. and it's just "oh fuck these characters need help." like the ramifications of all these experiences is going to be serious, and also I'm not as invested in certain characters or things I want as I was when I was ten. I'm not desperate for a pairing or for something specific to happen, I'm just curiously observing how things happen. I don't think I can hate any of the characters (Mr. Forkle and Oralie I do hate, but I also appreciate that I hate them and their contribution to the story even if it is almost entirely in nuance). I genuinely think I could say something positive that I legitimately appreciate about any of the characters in keeper, or something that makes them interesting to me. Ah. I think that's it. The characters are interesting to me now as opposed to just being a vessel to get the story someplace. Their mistakes are no longer annoying but realistic and develop their character, and I like seeing what happens to the story instead of being upset something went wrong. I don't idolize the characters anymore, I guess is a way I could phrase that.

because they really don't have an effective support system, and they really don't know what they're doing. and they're dealing with things no one their age should have to and it's going to have an impact. and I think I'm now more welcoming of that impact and the ramifications as opposed to putting the whole world on some pedestal where I can't recognize it's faults without being personally attacked.

at least, that's how things have gone for me. it may be different for others and that's fine!! just some of the things you described felt similar to my own experiences in fandom and how my perception of the story as a whole changed. and it's really interesting to look back and see how you've changed in regards to the story!!

note: a lot of this was me talking about my own experience, but that's my attempt to show I understand you. not trying to just make it about me !!

[ssa-thotchnerr]

Don’t Let Me Drown

Anonymous asked:

maybe a Hotch angst with his daughter being kidnapped by unsub, and he decides to drown her because he knows that she’s afraid of water and can’t swim? Maybe no happy ending? Thank you so much!

word count: 2.2k words of pure ANGST

warnings: drowning, major character death, grief, angst to the max, sad!hotch, kinda shifty writing ngl

a/n: anon, you are EVIL! I love it though. Yeah, this is pretty sad cause Hotch is really sad 😭😭😭 anyway I feel like this is really shit so if yall could give some feedback, I would really appreciate it!

—

"Shut up!"

You winced as you were harshly hit over the head by your kidnapper. He slammed the back door of the van shut, causing you to flinch back in fear. He'd just tied your arms back, not wanting to risk you trying to scratch his eye out once more, since you'd nearly succeeded the first time over. You didn't care that you were full on crying, the kind of crying that shook your entire body painfully.

The kind of crying that suggested fear.

You didn't even remember what happened, one minute you were walking home from school, the next you were in some strangers van with your arms lashed behind your back painfully tight. He wasn't too bothered about you knowing his name of what he looked like, you knew what that meant. You knew why he didn't care about you knowing who he was, what he was going to do to anyone else he could get his hands on.

You knew he was gonna kill you.

The sheer thought made you whimper. You didn't want to die, not like this. Not in fear, not without saying goodbye to your dad, your little brother, your friends. You didn't want to be murdered, not be a case that JJ would be given one morning and be pinned up on a wall. Taking in a deep breath, you attempted to steady out your breathing, there was no way you were going down without at least trying to negotiate your way out of here.

"Please, let-let me go, I won't tell anyone, I-I promise," You said, looking up at the man as he slid the door of the van open. "You-you don't wanna do this." You tried your hardest not to stutter, but your nerves were at an all time high, you couldn't help it. He laughed as he reached forward and snatched you towards him, causing you to scream. "Let me go! Please!" You cried as he picked you up.

"Shut up, brat!" He snarled, throwing you onto the ground. Looking around, you realised you were at the lake near Quantico, meaning that if your dad and his team were working on this case already, you at least had a chance.

Right?

Pulling out your phone that he'd taken from your pocket, he grinned as he took a picture of you. You shook your head and let out an angry huff, your chest heaving with each and every breath you took. The Unsub smiled at you maliciously as he put your phone up to his ear.

"Poor baby, just wanting her daddy to come and save her, huh?" You sniffled as you looked up at him, an angry look on your face as your eyebrows were furrowed. "Well, how about I left you speak to your dad one more time, a final goodbye?" You felt your stomach drop.

Final goodbye?

You started to tug desperately at the rope lashing your arms to your side, fear overtaking your rational side as you realised where you were. You were by a river, you couldn't swim, and this guy appeared to know and have something against your dad.

"Hello, is this SSA Hotchner?"

—

Hotch let out a frustrated sigh as your phone went to voicemail once more. He'd tried calling you about 7 times, and every time he tried, it rang out to voicemail. Hotch knew that your phone was always on, after all, you were a modern day teenager, didn't all of them have their phones on all the time?

"Still nothing?" Derek asked. Hotch shook his head as he looked up at his colleague, trying to hide the complete and under distress he was feeling at the moment. But Derek had been working with Hotch for years, and he knew his usually stoic boss better than Hotch thought he did. "Hey, it's alright. We'll get her home, Y/N's a smart kid." Derek assured him.

"I know she's a smart kid, but she's still a child, she'll be scared," Hotch said. As much as he didn't want to think about it, he knew there was a possibility you were already dead. He hated that he thought of that, that you died scared, possibly painfully. Hotch had never answered his phone quicker than when your name flashed up on the screen. "Y/N-" Hotch was prepared to ground you until you graduated high school just for worrying him so much.

"Hello, is this SSA Hotchner?"

That wasn't you.

"Where's Y/N?" Hotch asked, trying to keep his voice steady. Derek looked out to the bullpen, seeing that the whole team, Minus Rossi and Emily, was there, he signalled to Hotch, who nodded as Derek left him.

"You'll be able to find Y/N at Lake Ridge," He answered.

"Help me! Dad!" You were crying. Hotch couldn't help but to do the same thing, he stood up, he didn't want to feel like it was a hopeless situation anymore. The line went silent for a minute, making Hotch freeze on the spot.

There was a scream.

The line went dead.

-

It was cold.

So, so cold.

But you found that after a while, it wasn't cold anymore. It almost felt comforting, that if you went just that little bit deeper, you would be able to get warmer, and warmer, and warmer. And it became just that, so comforting in fact, you found that you were drifting away from consciousness.

This was it.

And that was it.

Hotch practically dove out of the car as Derek pulled up, running out and getting right into the lake. He knew you couldn't swim. Everything he did, went against everything he was told to do. Don't rush into things, make sure the coast is clear, all of that was not to be ignored, but given the circumstances, Hotch wasn't much caring about what the law said. Yes, he was an FBI agent, but he was your father first.

Dear God, he hoped he still was your father.

The team watched from the shore as Hotch disappeared under the water, all of their hearts practically beating out of their chests. You were the first BAU Baby, the female embodiment of your father, something that Hotch would endlessly brag to Haley about when she’d visit the BAU with you. You’d always listen to Reid list of facts that there was no way a child your age could understand, Penelope would always be aware of your presence before hand and have a plushie ready for you so she could keep her coined title of being your favourite. They'd watched you grow up to the 16 year old they knew and loved, and they were praying that the last time they saw you, wasn't the last that they saw you alive.

"I called an ambulance just as we left, it should be here soon," Spencer said, still keeping his eyes on where Hotch had disappeared. It was a tense atmosphere, and with every passing second, the outcome of the situation became more and more bleak. After what felt like hours, Hotch resurfaced with you, unconscious in his arms.

“Oh my God,” JJ whispered, looking around at the team to see their reactions. Everyone was simply in shock. Hotch waded through the water, placing you on the ground and kneeling beside you. The whole team rushed to your side, Reid at your neck to feel for a pulse.

His stomach dropped when he felt nothing.

“Damn it, Y/N, wake up,” Hotch said, starting compressions on your chest. JJ was holding your hand, Derek was waiting on the ambulance. They’d completely forgotten about the UnSub, they were hoping that you could make it out of this alive to tell them about your captor. You had to make it out of this, you’d lost too much in the past years, surely you’d be allowed to not lose your life too? Your dad switched to mouth to mouth, but nothing appeared to be working. “Come on, honey, don’t leave me.” Hotch was desperate, his voice breaking as he spoke. Everyone was starting to feel sick, it was like watching Hotch grieve over Haley all over again, just 10x worse this time around.

You were still a child.

Throughout everything your dad tried, you remained completely unresponsive. Hotch knew that you were gone, but he didn’t want to think about it.

“Hotch,” He looked up at his colleagues, who were all looking at him with sympathy. None of them wanted to say anything, it would make everything real, make it hurt ten times worse. To Hotch, it felt like being dragged kicking and screaming into a nightmare, as he sat there, his oldest daughters body in his arms. Up until now, he had praying that he wouldn’t be planning another funeral, no, not for you. He didn’t want to be thinking about what he would be saying to everyone coming to the aforementioned funeral, about how he would have to use the past tense while speaking about you.

Hotch finally broke down.

JJ, Spencer and Derek left Hotch for a bit, this wasn’t exactly their time to be grieving. They hadn’t just lost their child, killed by their worst fear. To make things worse?

The ambulances arrived.

-

No one could say that they were particularly surprised when the unit chief stepped back for a bit. They all understood, how could they not? They didn’t even want to think about how Hotch was feeling, how he was dealing with the silence that now on,y came with a one child household. Everyone had went to your funeral, it was the first time anyone had seen Hotch since that day. Everyone had taken turns at going to check on him, and right now it was Emily and Derek’s turn.

“Hey,” Emily said, smiling sympathetically at Hotch as the front door opened. Hotch smiled back, both Emily and Derek knew that it was a fake smile, but the gesture was appreciated. “How are things?” She asked him.

“Alright, I guess,” Hotch answered vaguely. “Me and Jack cleared out some stuff from her room, he took her record player and all of her vinyls, he’d been begging for them for years,” He said, a real, genuine smile coming to his face.

“That’s good, man,” Derek said. “Is there anything you wanna talk about?” Derek asked. Hotch shook his head. It still hurt to talk about you, it was still too deep of a wound to mention. The thought he found himself mulling over often was what did he say if people asked him about his kids? He would surely have to mention you, right?

The only thing he could conjure up was; “I lost my daughter, but I have a son.”

He lost his daughter.

It hurt.

It really fucking hurt.

-

Later that night, Hotch had left Jack alone downstairs for a few hours while he finished some stuff in your room. Once coming downstairs, he paused as he saw you on the screen of the TV. He recognised the video, it was your 5th birthday party, Jack being only a baby at the time. Jack was still young, but old enough the know what had had happened to his older sister.

“Hey, what’s this?” Hotch asked. Jack paused it and looked up at his dad, wiping the tears away from his eyes. Hotch had noticed that Jack hadn’t cried yet, and he knew that different people grieved differently. He knew from experience.

“I found it, it had her name on it and I just wanted to see her again,” Jack said, trying his hardest to keep back the sob that was aching to escape. Hotch sensed this was coming, he knew his son.

“It’s alright to cry, Jack, she is-was your sister, you’re allowed to be upset,” Hotch said, the correction hurting more than the previous ones did. Jack shook his head, and the dam broke, he burst into tears. Hotch put his arm around Jack, pulling him close as he finally broke down. “I know it hurts.” He assured him.

“I just miss her,” Jack whispered, wiping his eyes.

“I know, I miss her too.”

—

Taglist

@snarky--starky @averyhotchner @snowangle1994 @pepperonysmcu @yeojiins @mollbt

[huntective-kyeo]

❗Warning❗ TYPOS, SPELLING, AND GRAMMAR. And English is not my first language. Kinda angry hehehe

This is my first time to post it here and I hope you like it. Feel free to criticize my writing so I can improve.

So enjoy.

FIRST FANFIC

My Father is Dean Winchester

Dean POV

I sat down on the chair and open the lid of the beer. It's been hectic two weeks. Sam and I hunt a witch in Colorado and it took us a week to find the witch and killed it. That witch got Sam to bruise his ankle, and a concussion but thankfully nothing major injuries that needed stitches and so. Most of all the sonavabitch wore witch almost touch and probably hex my Baby which I did make her pay for it.

All in all, it took us a few days to get back at the bunker and now I'm sitting on the chair, probably wanted to eat some pies and get drunk.

My thoughts interrupt when the door opened and I looked up wonder who that person is. My instinct is to grab my trustful gun and aim it towards that intruder. However instead of getting alert, and hunting instinct it exactly quite opposite to what I feel right now.

Third POV.

A girl took a deep breath and with her shaky hand, she holds the handle and she pauses before she opened the door.

She didn't know what to do or what to say. She felt nervous to face them all. She wants to keep it secret however it keeps harder and harder to hide all the symptoms she felt during the last few months.

with heavy heart and soul, she opened the door and wish that bunker is well as empty as when she leaves it a few hours ago.

She didn't notice that the Impala, her first love park on her usual spot, she didn't notice a man sit on the chair seem like thinking something, she didn't notice her dad.

Dean POV

" y/n? " I blurted out. I didn't notice that my daughter y/n leave the bunker without telling us, or wasn't I?

Y/n my precious daughter, my little sunshine, and the only reason aside from my little brother who keeps me alive. 16 years ago Her mother and I met at the bar and happened to have one night stand. I was drunk to forget us condoms. I didn't realize it until, nine months later, Kylia found me and she shove the newly baby born into arms. I didn't hear her rants about not wanting kids because I was so fallen to my baby girl. I swear y/n is the most beautiful baby girl that I've ever seen. From that fateful night, I swore that I protect and love her no matter what.

With the help of my brother and my family, we did a good job raising a finest and yet mini-me y/n which kinda bit frustrated when she becomes a rebellious teenager and seeking for a new way to hunt.

I know that being a father and hunter ain't hood to raise a child in a world full of darkness but I did try my best to become a father that she deserved and not the father that I used to grow up

I again clear up my throat and by the time that I saw her, I know something is terrible up. Called it father instinct. My stomach began to feel something that I don't know if it's about the food or the worriedness about my daughter.

"Where have you been, I told you not to go outside not unless if you needed something but should-" I stumble and am shocked by a sudden hug coming from my daughter. My eyebrows meet and speculate more thoughts about what happened to her during a few weeks.

Then suddenly y/n cried up and my heart broke up thousand of pieces. Through I used to her cry of nonsense but this is different. I can feel it.

I began to think of a different reason why she cried like this. Is she on her period? Did a boy break her heart? If it is, then who? Oh god, my baby girl is heartbroken?! No-no-no.

" Hey, baby girl what's wrong? " I managed to ask a few words as I stroke her hair.

I didn't get her reply as she continues sobbing and sniffing on my chest. I continuously stroke her hair and rubbed a small circle on her back. With her tears I heard, I began to tear up which probably I got hurt when my baby girl gets hurt.

I saw Sam holding a can and some books and gave me confused look. I know he was confused about what is going on and the same as me. I only gave her shrug off before concentrate on keeping her calm down.

I sigh and sing a song that makes her calm down. It's a song that I always sing to her whenever she feels scared and upset. it her lullaby and till now I always sing to her when she felt like this. And now even though she's growing up ain't stopping this.

'Hey Jude, don't make it bad

Take a sad song and make it better

Remember to let her into your heart

Then you can start to make it better'

I sang softly and smile. I heard her sobs subside and her shoulder is no longer tensed. I kissed her head and quietly sing the rest of the song

By the song ends, y/n look up to me and hate to see her red-rimmed eyes and red nose face at me.

" Daddy... "

Y/n POV

After the song finish, I felt quite comfortable and my heart no longer pains me.

" daddy" I called up again. I hate seeing my dad worried glances and I wanted to back down but I know it's too late, now that I cried to his chest, and makes my father worried.

" what's wrong, princess " I nearly chuckle to hear the old nickname that I used to love but hate now. I should give my father annoying and death glares to him but I'm drained and tired to argue with my father.

Instead of the reply to his question, I took a piece of paper inside my leather jacket. With my shaky hand, I hesitate to give it to him. I saw my father unfold the paper and read it.

I know he reads it as I saw his face turn to a worried and horrifying face. I bit my lip as teardrops start to stream to his face and suddenly it aches my heart.

I didn't realize that my uncle Sam was there and he took the paper that my dad read it. My dad was frozen and saw Sam has the same reaction but he stumbled a bit and luckily sat on the chair or else he would hurt more.

The air was tense and several minutes seemed like a century to me as I was forced to see my dad and uncle of their horrifying reaction.

I was about to leave them and lock them up in my room but my dad grabs my wrist and put pressure on it, so I couldn't shove it off, I hesitate to look at his now red-rimmed eyes just like mine.

" Is this true? "

My heart broke as I nod

" when... When did it start? "

I flinched to hear a tone when my dad wanted a straight answer but I could see the difference of it. Instead of deadly and threatened, it's a broken and saddened tone that probably haunt me the rest of my life.

" honey, when did start... " I look up to him as a surprise to hear the familiar fatherly sweet tone that only me can know.

"a few months ago. When you just back from purgatory dad... " I mumble but I know that dad heard it because he mumbles coherent words that I know he's cursing, I wish it's not from me.

Then suddenly my dad sat down on the chair and then he hugged tightly couldn't breathe but slightly loose the tightness but still hugging me

" We can pull this up alright, we will. N/n we will fight this together okay, we'll find ways to rid this shit. We will be on your battle. " I then look up at my father and saw the tense and urging look " we will fight this out but you'll do your job ok, you'll kick this shit out, and keep fighting. Don't give up okay please, little n/n. " I heard him crack as didn't say anything considering, I was crying again and the inky response I can get is nodding.

Then I hug my father again and I feel another wrapped strong arms. I smile softly that uncle Sam joined the party. Now we are Complete, I feel like I'm ready to fight this shut out.

" Winchester is hard to kill, not even cancer. " I chuckle to hear uncle Sammy spoke.

"Yeah right, so you gonna do your part little princess, aright. Don't give up. " My father kiss my forehead. We parted away and wipes the tears we have. We laugh as we sniffle then finally our tears died down.

My father, Dean wipe the remaining tears and I look up to him confused. I saw him sad and regret my eyes and my heart sank.

" I love you N/Niepie, " then he kisses my forehead.

----AND CUT!!! ---

" Nice work J2 and Jodi damn there are no dried tears here " Robert yelled as all the staff and crew wipe their tears. " okay thirty minutes break, Jared, come to me I gotta asked you something" he added.

A group of assistants swarms the actors and did their task. Some wipe their sweats, do makeup, fixing their hair, and so on.

Jensen chuckles a little bit and wipes the remaining tears from his eyes.

" nice job dude, seem like the Days of our Lives gig paid off huh" A sixteen years old, young actress Jodi Smith tease him.

He rolled his eyes and ruffle her hair. " nice try but no you not riding my Baby" Jodi groan and about to reply when her assistant came and whisper to her ear "You're lucky, Mr. Ackles. Robert needs me now but I won't stop bothering you not until I sat on the driver seat and ride the impala".

When Jodi is out of sight, Jensen Ackles began to walk through his trailer. The thirty minutes of break is not enough of yearning for his daughter.

By the time he got inside. He locks it and sits on the couch. He rubbed his tired face as he grabs the old filthy Cinderella wallet. Today scene was emotional to him, not because of the scene itself but because he truly did miss his daughter y/n

In the finale of season 12, alongside Jack Kline played Alexander Calvert, and y/n Winchester played Jodi Smith we're both introduced and a new cast of Supernatural. Jensen was supposed to be glad that there are two new members of their family, but instead, it replaces guilt and dreadful feelings.

It's not the new cast members but the fact that Jodi Smith portrays is seem a great punch to his heart that he starts to realize he still has a daughter that should be taken care of.

No one knows not even Jared. Danneel and the kids, the crew nor the fans knew that the great Jensen Ackles has a secret daughter and only his close family knew about this truth.

" I'm sorry princess, How I wish I was there for you but you know I can't."

Jensen stroke a faded picture of an eight-year-old girl holding a doll whilst hugging the twenty-year-old Jensen Ackles.

" I'm sorry, I love you" he kisses the picture with so much love and tears began to stream down his cheeks

Hope you like it keep safe everyone. Reblog and like will yah.

[coinofstone]

5x12 The Diamond of the Day pt 1

Final two episodes! Big finale! Why am I making myself cry in the middle of the afternoon! Both eps in this post.

I do love that they made Arthur a sore loser

Enter treacherous white woman #2. Srsly it was lazy writing when they did it for Mordred, it's worse now with Gwaine.

I do love the actual Round Table war room discussion but a) why isn't Merlin seated at the round table and b) why does Leon have so much goddamn faith in Camelot's walls? Like??? You literally said the same thing last year and yet Camelot *did* fall when Agravaine brought an army through the tunnels!

Poor Aithusa. Kid's had a rough life.

I do love Arthur responding to Merlin presenting him with all his supplies ready - which he prepared without his magic mind you - with suspicion 😂

But then he calls Merlin a coward and it's sad

Katie has such a great voice. That entire thing in the cave from her taunting to her laughter to the spell, it just just beautifully played.

Whole ass battle to prepare for and Arthur is just walking around moping cuz Merlin isn't there

So, Merlin's father-vision telling him he's magic itself and he just needs to believe in himself to get his magic going again, does this mean he *didn't* need to go to the cave to get it back? Cuz it seems like he needed to recharge in the cave itself, his injuries were healed when he woke up. That seems like magic cave stuff to me.

Also that "always have been and always will be" - I'm taking to mean 'always have been' in the sense that since he's 'magic itself' even before he was born, his magic existed in other, intangible forms, like we are all stardust etc. But now that he is, he will always be, aka he will not die.

Arthur waking up with his wife in his arms and Merlin's name on his lips, jumping out of bed to act on dream-info.

Balinor telling Merlin to trust in what will be.... like bitch that is literally not how this ends.

5x13 The Diamond of the day pt 2

You know that gif of the cat knocking everything off the table? That's literally Merlin shooting lightning at everyone from his perch on the ridge.

I have a lot of snarky things to say about Merlin coming out of the cave in full Dragoon gear and riding a horse instead of teleporting like the other witches but I'ma keep that to myself.

Mordred is a bitch and Aithusa has terrible aim. At least Aithusa's loyalty to Morgana makes sense.

Arthur said oh shit I'm magic - oh wait no it's that old man again

He also straight up "No! Bad dragon!"-ed Aithusa

Y'know, for all I've watched this episode and screamed about Arthur's death, I don't think I've ever focused on the exact moment he gets stabbed before.

Mordred catches him from behind and he meets it, no fault there. But as soon as he realizes his assailant is the knight who turned on him and joined Morgana, what does he do? HE LOWERS HIS FUCKING SWORD

He leaves himself wide fucking open and vulnerable and Mordred seizes the opportunity. I understand wanting the moment of recognition for Arthur, but on what planet is a trained warrior going to drop his sword mid-attack because he recognizes his attacker as a dude who only just recently decided to forsake him? It's soooooo dumb

There was a whole sequence a few episodes back where Mordred and Arthur are sparring, the point of it was to show that Mordred has become a skilled swordsman. So what exactly was the point in having Mordred run Arthur through as soon as Arthur idiotically lets his guard down? This should've been a meticulously choreographed sword fight, with Mordred getting the upper hand and sticking Arthur properly. Not this nonsense. Look at Arthur's FACE! Oh, Mordred... 👉👈 do you maybe wanna be friends again- STAB ... guess not

Uther's been rolling in his grave but he's taking an extra tumble watching Arthur forget all his skills and training in that moment.

I do appreciate Arthur getting Mordred back though. Like that moment of merciless anger followed by the hurt and regret playing on Arthur's face, warring with surety and responsibility. It was good.

I've rewatched the big confession scene about 16 times just now.

I don't quite understand why Merlin took Arthur to the woods to begin with. Instead of bringing him to the med tent in the battlefield or back to Camelot. What was the reason?

Merlin saying it feels strange (to use magic freely in front of Arthur) and him just going 'yeah' completely deadpan makes me laugh every time.

I really feel like Arthur's head should be elevated at a further incline if he's going to be fed.

Gaius refusing to outright expose Merlin as the sorcerer but nonetheless letting Gwen figure it out on her own warms my heart.

My God Arthur is sitting there dying, feeling betrayed about his best friend 'lying' to him, and still he can't stop himself from looking at Merlin's mouth.

Percival summoned MUSCLE POWER

Hey um random but why does Gwaine even know where Merlin and Arthur are headed? Why would Gaius tell him?

Arthur looks at Merlin so lovingly after he's killed Morgana 😭😭

And now he's literally grabbing at the man's hand 😭 "just hold me, please"

That's gotta be the gayest death scene in television history. If you can watch that without thinking Arthur puts his hand on the back of Merlin's head because some part of him wants to bring him down for a kiss, or that "just hold me, please" is in any way shape or form a 'bros' thing, and certainly not at all an intentional mirror/callback to Isolde dying in Tristan's arms, then I'm afraid you are what we professionals refer to as a dumb-as-nails fucknugget, more commonly phrased as 'willfully ignorant'.

"All that you have dreamt of building has come to pass" yeah except for the whole, y'know, magic still being illegal thing.

I've said this before, but, while I'm sure there was a determined intention to have Arthur die in his armor, probably in some kind of attempt to make sure the audience knows he's died a warrior's death, I *really* think it was kinda stupid that Merlin never removed it, despite Arthur being weak, despite the fact that there was something like five days between him getting stabbed and him actually dying, despite that for the duration of that time they were traveling or hiding out. Merlin managed to produce a cloak to put on Arthur, why did he need the full armor on that whole time? Like even if they left the chainmail on, those plates on his shoulder were just getting in the way, and it looked quite uncomfortable.

Also not for nothing but Lancelot got like, every flower in the forest surrounding lush verdant greens in his death boat, Arthur gets a bunch of sticks.

It suddenly occurs to me, watching this now, that the reason Leon/Percival is such a common side pairing in Merthur fics, is because these two motherfuckers are the only original Knights of the Round Table to survive the series. ����‍♀️ I dunno how I failed to notice that before now. My stupidity amazes me.

I'm *really* glad they decided to do this scene with Gwen wearing the Pendragon red dress instead of the black mourning dress. Yes she looks fabulous in it but it's more the symbolism than the 'reality' - with Gwen wearing her house's colors it represents a continuation rather than a finality. Camelot will go on, Gwen will undoubtedly end the war on magic and with Morgana dead (and frankly, I think by now she already brought about the death of all the angry incel type rulers in Albion) there stands to reason her reign will begin with a period of peace, possibly longer than Arthur's. We kind of have to assume that the 'time the poets speak of' is, inevitably, Gwen's reign - which only came about through Arthur's death. It's a little bit toooo subtle in my opinion, but at the same time, I understand the need for the focus on Merlin and Arthur - after all, this show was their journey - not leaving much time to focus on Gwen and Camelot in the aftermath of Arthur's death.

I will just say, the first time I watched this that fucking truck scared the ever living shit out of me. I also just immediately, viscerally hated that scene and declared it invalid - but I think it was because the truck made me jump out of my skin. It has since grown on me, particularly once I started reading 'Arthur Returns' fic.

Everything beyond this point is post-series spec and headcanon, so if that's not your jam you can exit safe in the knowledge that as usual, if there's anything worth commenting on in the S5 extras, I will create a separate post!

For those interested, my go-to post-series fic is We Begin Again by katherynefromphilly I fully headcanon this series as the continuation of the series.

I have a lot of thoughts about Gwen and Merlin post-Camlann.

For one, poor fucking Gwen. She's lost her father, her brother, and her husband, all by what, age 30? That's rough. And who knows what happened to her mom, that was pre-series and I don't think it was ever mentioned.

Merlin, dear god poor Merlin. First of all, I just wanna say straight off that my instinctive headcanon about Merlin was that he never returned to Camelot. I couldn't really say why exactly. I just don't think he could stand being there after Arthur's death. But practically speaking, Merlin's still got Aithusa to deal with, that dragon needs some godsdamned house training asap. He's still the last Dragonlord, it's reasonable to assume he'd immediately take that on considering Aithusa is partially responsible for Arthur's death (the sword Mordred killed Arthur with, only succeeded in killing Arthur because it had been forged in Aithusa's fire-breath) so he's either going to attempt to train the bad behaviors out of Aithusa, or...well...

The only thing is, I do not believe Merlin would abandon Gwen, or Gaius. So my hc is inherently flawed. I do think Merlin probably spend a couple months with his mum, and I do think he ultimately settled near lake Avalon waiting for Arthur's return.

But I do wonder, what must their relationship have been like? Gwen, surely, would've sought his guidance in establishing laws governing the use of magic. And surely, peace cannot last indefinitely, so Merlin absolutely would've defended Camelot and protected Gwen. There's just no way he could've completely turned his back on them, but I doubt he could bear living in Camelot. And Gwen is both strong and practical enough to get on without him there 24/7, even though I'm sure she'd miss him.

I also think she would've found love again. Whether with Leon, as many people hc, or someone else not in the series.

ANYWAY.

Thanks to everyone who came on this journey with me. I will post comments on the extras if I have anything worth saying - and I think I'll do a master post linking all these episode posts after I clean them up once I get time to sit at a computer and do so. Until then! 💙💚

(Gif source) (h/t @shut-up-merlin)

[nowoyas]

hey grae I kind of need some clarification help regarding comfort characters. I really don't want to start something bad so please disregard if this is bad topic. We're both adults and I also enjoy mha characters, but I'm starting to get a little nervous about being attacked for "aged up characters" even though I'm not even into smut writings. Should I just make my space 18+ for safety? I just don't want someone angry with me for liking anime characters despite their ages. I asked someone else this already too since it was just on my mind the other day. you can call me fearful anon if you need to call me out or something aha...sorry for asking this

I’ve been trying to think of the best response to this ask since I got it, and I think I’ve gotten to where I can form a decent answer now? forgive me if this comes across in some horrible way, if that is the case I can assure you you’re most likely misinterpreting my words

I’m solidly in the camp of if you’re writing primarily 18+ content (darkfic, smut, basically themes that would get you stopped from entering alone if it were in a movie), your space should be 18+. the occasional bit of smut or other adult themes doesn’t mean block off your whole space as long as you’re clear when content IS 18+, and aging up characters for non-smut reasons is probably fine? like, sometimes the plot just calls for it, or you love the character but you’re not really interested in writing a story about 15 year olds. 

the age thing with comfort characters is, on occasion, kind of confusing to me. it feels stupid to attack people for shit like “well you’re 21 and like a character who’s canonically 16 you must be a pedophile” even though I’ve been consuming the content for seven years and was actually YOUNGER than the character in question since I started connecting to him, yannow? maybe it’s personal for me with izuku, but yknow, he’s a character I’ve liked for so long and that hasn’t changed just because I’ve gotten older, even though characters don’t age with us.

DISCLAIMER I MEAN THIS IN TERMS OF LIKING A CHARACTER NOT LIKE, LIKING CHILDREN AND IT’S KIND OF SAD THAT I HAVE TO CLARIFY THAT BUT YKNOW WHATEVER

[gendryaweeklyupdates]

All Updated Gendrya work this week (15-Mar-20 to 19-Mar-20): part 1

1. Near Miss by @sneetchstar

Snippet from latest update:

“Have I been ruining your carpet?”

“Not yet,” she says, walking towards him.  “But I can’t help noticing more and more of your things have been gradually drifting over here.”

His eyes widen.  “You have things at mine, too,” he weakly says.

21/? as of 15-3-20

Rating: E

2. Fighting to Live by @ladylaurelandash

Snippet from latest update:

...whatever his problems with her, was his sister, if not exactly by blood, but by choice. He had to protect her and there was only one way now.

The queen stared at him for a moment and Jon wondered if she could read his mind. But then, somehow, her face warmed and she smiled so broadly and so beautifully. Something of the old Dany came out.

(Considerable Jonerys content)

2/? as of 15-3-20

Rating: M

3. If the summer of our lives could just come again by TheDameintheRaininMaine

Snippet from latest update:

“Please tell me we’re doing the right thing. We’ve known this was coming for years, and we still couldn’t stop it. They’re still coming.”

Ned makes soothing noises, as if she were still a babe, not a woman grown who could look him in the eye.

“You’ve done everything you could,” he insists. “We are as prepared as we can be. All you can do now is try and keep yourselves safe.”

(multipairing)

28/? as of 15-3-20

Rating: M

4. Careful Fear and Dead Devotion by @elleisforlovee

Snippet from latest update:

“Arya?” 

She exhaled and almost rolled her eyes. “Hi,” she gave flatly. The fire before her seemed to swell before falling in height again, the parts that’d once been so crucial to her father and brother, crackling and spitting in revolt of the fever that engulfed them. 

“Fuckin’ hell, Arya! Where are you?”

22/? as of 15-3-20

Rating: E

5. Wards of Winter Stags by @wynebceffylarya

Snippet from latest update:

“My sweet, sweet Arry,” he cooed into her hair, “I love you.”

“I love you too, you stupid bull.” She sniffed.

8/11 as of 20-3-20

Rating: G

6. Why can't we hit them?  by @vieetsourires

Snippet from latest update:

“Uh, yeah? At first I couldn’t see it clearly, but after a while I noticed the trick.” 

“After a while?” Arya lifted one of her eyebrow, because if he figured it out her movements, then he must have really paid attention to her while playing Quidditch. Gendry started to scratch his neck and was looking to the floor when he cleared his throat.

4/? as of 19-3-20 (multiple updates)

Rating: Not rated.

7. The Lost Prince by @psychvamp25

Snippet from the latest update:

“To a quiet night, just the two of us.”

He knocked his glass to hers and took a drink, but when he looked back at her he said, “I hope it won’t be too quiet.”

She blushed and felt that tightening in her core, his eyes held such promise. She finished off the glass of wine, her head feeling fuzzy and free. She placed the glass down on the table, “Is that a threat my prince?”

38/40 as of 15-3-20

Rating: T

8. Don't You Realize I'll Protect You by Assassins_Wolves

Snippet from the latest update:

Where is Arya? Gendry can’t see her anywhere, his stomach twisting into a sour knot. He stumbles over a corpse and looks down to see Kurz’s sightless eyes staring up at him. The knight behind him shoves him forward. Gendry scans the ground in front of him with a sinking stomach, praying to whatever gods are listening that he doesn’t find Arya’s tiny form amongst the corpses.

4/? as of 15-3-20

Rating: T

9. the aches that linger afterwards by @starsandfluff

Snippet from the latest update:

“Oh, yeah, yeah,” Brienne adjusted her coat anxiously. “Ser Jaime and I, uh, travelled together for some time in the Riverlands.”

“Yeah, I get that…” Gendry thought back to everything him and Arya had went through. She was his best friend. She was always there for him, fighting for him. Even when Lommy died. Even when Hot Pie left… Even when I was going to leave her. 

(Significant Braime content)

13/? as of 16-3-20

Rating: unrated

10. Under my Protection by crtkelly_writes

Snippet from latest update:

Try again, his stare implored her, at least that is how it looked to her as she contemplated her counterattack to convince him that he couldn’t follow her home.

“Gendry, you cannot come,” she finally whispered desperately. “I don’t want…,” she faltered, unable to complete her sentence.

7/? as of 16-3-20

Rating: M

11. When Winter Comes by @onemorenight1996

Snippet from latest update:

"What's it like?" She asked, her voice soft and hesitant. "Being with a man because you want to."

"It's...." Arya sighed and glanced over at the forge. She couldn't see Gendry from where she was standing but knowing he was there was enough for her face to fall into a smile. "It's amazing. It doesn't have to be painful Sansa, I know that's all you've ever known, but it doesn't have to be that way. It can be a pleasurable experience."

3/? as of 16-3-20

Rating: E

12. Repair Broken Hearts by @snapdragon76

Snippet from the latest update:

He’d put on a pair of safety glasses and passed a pair to Arya, which she put on. She had her notebook out, but she seemed distracted and wasn’t writing much.

Once he’d gotten the fire to the right temperature, Gendry took the billet he’d assembled and thrust it into the fire, where the coals were the hottest. Suddenly he wished he’d thought of a different word than thrust…

3/? as of 19-3-20 (multiple updates)

Rating: M

13. A dragon with wolfblood by epicmotherfuckerx

Snippet from the latest update: Author's note

(side-pairing Arya/Aegon)

7/? as of 16-3-20

Rating: M

14. Bad Pick-up lines Work Best by JoPoGirlsKickAss

Snippet from latest update:

He watched her face carefully for a reaction, but she showed none. “I don’t want you to get off yet.”

There it was—the grey darkened, the pupils responded.

“Oh? And when do you want me to get off?”

“Soon.” He said turning back to the climb and continuing up.

18/? as of 16-3-20

Rating: T

15. Head of the River by @everyl1ttleth1ng

Snippet from the latest update:

Gendry grabbed his own glass and hurried after her.

“Arya, I’m sorry. That came out all wrong,” he pleaded.

She was already at the oven, lifting out hot dishes so he was forced to keep his distance.

“Look,” she said, huffing out a breath. “Can you just shut up and let me forget how much of an idiot you are for a moment so we can try to have a nice dinner?”

17/? as of 18-3-20 (multiple updates)

Rating: T

16. here comes a greek tragedy by @aryasbadbenergy

Snippet from the latest update:

“I saw his statement.”

“But he hasn’t said anything to me. Or even Syrio. He talked to the press?” 

“I’m sorry, I—I thought you knew.”

“I didn’t.”

4/? as of 17-3-20

Rating: M

17. Heavy Lies The Crown by @onemorenight1996

Snippet from the latest update:

"We are here today in the sight of god's and men to join these two lives together." The High Septon spoke loud and clear, his voice flowing through the room.

"You may cloak the bride and bring her under your protection."

8/? as of 18-3-20

Rating: E

18. Everything We've Done (Is There On Our Faces) by alphayamergo

Snippet from latest update:

Gendry shrugged. “There are some who think I’m mad, but not everyone – and I’m just a blacksmith.”

“Not everyone?” repeated Tyrion.

He didn’t bother pointing out that Gendry wasn’t just any blacksmith: he was a blacksmith that looked just like the king, which had to have some effect.

(Theonsa heavy)

11/? as of 18-3-20

Rating: T

19. Friday By Dice by @dragongoddess13

Snippet from latest update:

“Hey.” he hears the whisper behind him and he looks over his shoulder.

Nymeria is staring up at him, her tiny elf form is barely visible over his shoulder without him turning his body slightly. He’s not sure how he missed how small she is.

“Are you injured?” she asks. Almost involuntarily he looks down at his arm, only just then noticing the red stain soaking through his sleeve. 

2/? as of 18-3-20

Rating: M

20. forest love and forest lass by @aryasbadbenergy

Snippet from latest update:

“No!” Gendry shouts.

“Who told you about that?” Barra walks towards his door. He runs a hand down his face. Arya can’t help it but to laugh. She had gone through the same conversation with Rickon far too many times. 

“Jenny,” she calls back. 

“Maybe Jenny’s dad is getting a phone call later, then,”.....

21/? as of 18-3-20

Rating: M

21. The Ghost of the Red Keep by TheDameintheRaininMaine

Snippet from the latest update:

She does notice his ears. He has the black hair and blue eyes she had come to seek out, but he looks thin, and wane, and that’s not a common look on a noble child at all. At one point during the ride, his horse stills, and he shakes his head, before commenting,

“Sorry about that, I think the cherry tart I had for breakfast didn’t agree with me.”

5/? as of 18-3-20

Rating: T

22. Practice Makes Perfect by @kelleesioverhere

Snippet from the latest update:

To be fair, it also didn’t seem like he really had a ton of belongings. She, herself, had a ton of shit. So of course she would have a more difficult time keeping everything organized. That made perfect sense. It was basic...math? Science?

One of them.

15/17 as of 19-3-20

Rating: E

Continue reading here.

[thornescratch]

I want to watch old Washington Capitals games but I don't know which. If you have any favourite games from the past, would you mind recommending some? It could be your favourite because they won, or they were hilarious while loosing, or even because something memorable or amusing happened at the game. I am asking you because you obviously have a lot of passion for this team, and also because you might have fellow Caps fan followers who might be willing to offer recs too. Thank you in advance!

Oh! This is a super fun question, so thank you. Hmm. This is hard because I know I’m going to write a ton and then remember “I LEFT OUT SUCH AND SUCH GAME” as soon as I hit post. So, yeah, if anyone’s reading this and wants to chime in with their favorite Caps games, please feel free!

And I’m not sure how you’re going to watch these games– hell, I’m not sure all the ones I’d recommend are available, but, I’ll try to be cognizant of that. So. That said. I should probably take this moment to note that if you want to have an actual convenient DVD, Amazon sells one of the 10 Greatest Capitals Games. You used to be able to buy it in the team store, but I haven’t seen it there in a couple years, so.

That particular DVD is very much geared to the Ovechkin era, which I don’t really see as a bad thing, but I don’t know you. And if you’re looking for much more of a deep dive into past Caps history, the DVD does include some of the most exciting and seminal games, but it’s much more current in general. I do get the mindset of people who have been around for this entire franchise and scoff at only focusing at 2005 on. I do get it! But the thing is, when you try to watch old games, you run into the fact they’re one, hard to find, two, generally of terrible video quality.

…Also the reviewer on Amazon who bitches because they think it should include the 4 OT Easter Epic should be soundly donkeypunched. Look, buddy, we all signed up for a disproportionate amount of disappointment as Caps fans, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be memorialized on a DVD. With that said, here are the games I love to rewatch or remember or I just think they’re neat. I’ll start with the DVD games because that’s convenient, and then go on with some other ones I like

Here’s what the DVD includes. All of these are good games to watch.

4/16/1988 - Dale Hunter scores the series’ winner in overtime as the Caps beat the Philadelphia Flyers 5-4 to win Game 7 of the Patrick Division semi-final. This was the one they used in that “History will” series of NHL commercials because we have so few good playoff highlights.

4/17/1996 - In the Eastern Conference quarter-final against the Pittsburgh Penguins, the team rallies from a three-goal deficit to win 6-4.

6/4/1998 - Joe Juneau scores the overtime winner in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference finals, and the Caps go onto their first (and only) Stanley Cup appearance.

10/5/2005 - Ovechkin’s first NHL game. He scores two goals, hits a dude so hard the glass pane falls out, and Caps beat Columbus Blue Jackets 3-2.

11/23/2007 - First Bruce Boudreau coaching game, an overtime win against Philadelphia. Ah, Bruce.

1/31/2008 - Ovechkin’s (first) four goal game against the Habs, where he broke his nose (again) and won the game in OT.

4/5/2008 - Caps win 3-1 against the Florida Panthers to gain their first playoff appearance in five years, after having to win 11 of 12 down the stretch and pushing to the last day.

4/11/2008 - Ovechkin’s first NHL playoff game, with him leading the team to a come-from-behind win over Philadelphia.

4/28/2009 - Russian legend Sergei Fedorov, in his first and last season with the Caps, provides the game-winning goal in Game 7 against the New York Rangers, leading the Caps to win 2-1 in the Eastern Conference quarterfinals. God, that goal. (Also, don’t look now, but that was a Game 7 the Caps won.)

5/4/2009 - The Ovechkin-Crosby dueling hat tricks playoff game with the Caps winning 4-3. (This was also where Crosby complained about hats being thrown on the ice. Like, there are many other reasons he’s never going to be on my Christmas card list, but this was him at some of his whiniest and pettiest, and when I think of reasons why I don’t care for the dude, this one tends to flash across my mind. Because I am also petty. EXCELSIOR.)

OTHER PLAYOFF GAMES.

HEY YES I KNOW EVERYONE MAKES FUN OF US ABOUT THE PLAYOFFS WELL HERE ARE SOME PLAYOFFS GAMES YOU CAN WATCH AND ENJOY.

4/20/2011 - Game four of the series with the New York Rangers. Yeah, yeah, the Caps have had their share of OT pain with the Rangers. But this comes from one of the shorter playoff series the Caps enjoyed in the Ovechkin era, and hey look, it’s a double OT WIN, which came about after the Caps had fallen behind 3-0 in the game, and then forced OT and won it on what was described as a “freaky sort of development play”. Marian Gaborik, in an attempt to clear the puck, accidentally yanked it away from Lundqvist and passed it directly to Jason Chimera, who promptly put it back in the net, and then skated the length of the ice in basically two seconds while his teammates tried to catch him for hugs. (Game 5 of that series was also pretty good because it’s one of the few times where the Caps were closing out a series and never looked worried during it. Just a nice solid win.)

4/25/2012 - Game Seven of the series with the Boston Bruins. Yeah, yeah, the Caps and Game 7′s. HERE’S ONE THAT WE ACTUALLY WON. This series was so fucking close and insane and it was the NHL playoff debut of a young Braden Holtby who came storming up from the AHL after both Tomas Vokoun and Michal Neuvirth went down to freak injury and went on to become the Bruins’s worst nightmare. (If you love Braden Holtby, you should remember that ex-Cap then-Panther Marco Sturm falling on Michal Neuvirth is what propelled Holtby into the playoffs out of necessity, and therefore most Caps fans probably owe him a drink.) And of course, this was the game of Joel Ward’s OT winner, with a helping of Mike Knuble’s gigantic ass in Tim Thomas’s face, (and I’m frankly still amazed the Caps didn’t get boned with a GI call on it), and man do I love me some Joel Ward.

4/27/2015 - Game Seven of the series with the Islanders. ANOTHER GOOD OUTCOME GAME SEVEN. This game seven on the other hand wasn’t as close (though every Caps fan was puckered and freaking during it) and the Caps were dominating. Joel Ward scored first for the Caps, and they outshot New York and were handling the Isles with ease, only to have everyone almost lose their shit when Holtby made a mistake and let Nielson tie. However, just as the Bruins series was Holtby’s debut party, the Isles series was Evgeny Kuznetsov’s Big Show. He scored with just over seven minutes left in the game on Halak, the goalie who’d tortured the Caps in 2010, and it was another successful Game 7 and series win. Since we don’t have a ton of those, enjoy it.

4/18/2016 - Game Three of the series with the Flyers. This was the, uh, Bracelet Game. But it was also a game where the Caps scored five goddamn powerplay goals to win 6-1 and took a 3-0 series lead for the first time in– well, ever. (At least in the seven game series era.) This is why it narrowly beats out Game Two, which had the Steve Mason “OH NO” goal given up to Jason Chimera.

4/19/2017 - I feel like I should include a Leafs playoff series game here from 2017 for completeness sake. Uh. Hmm. Let’s go with Game Four, since it had Tom Wilson saving a goal, then going down ice to score a goal, and was high-scoring, super-close, and barely squeaked away from going to OT.

OTHER REGULAR SEASON GAMES

1/1/2011, 1/1/2015 - Both Winter Classics. CAPS ARE UNDEFEATED IN OUTDOOR GAMES. Plus, they both serve as a good excuse to rewatch the HBO 24/7 and Epix Road to the Winter Classic specials.

2/7/2010 - Snowvechkin. Ovi had a hat trick against the Pens, the Caps had to come from behind, there was bizarre reffing, and Caps won. This was all the more impressive because DC was essentially under two feet of snow at this point and for the intrepid souls who basically walked into the city on foot to see the game, they got a real gem.

2/6/2011 - The Caps shut out the Pens 3-0 on Superbowl Sunday, but more dramatically, shaved ape on skates and career injury-causing cockmonger Matt Cooke tried to go knee on knee with Alex Ovechkin in the process and Nicklas Backstrom did his best to punch everliving shit out of him for doing it. It’s great seeing Backstrom get in Cooke’s face and throw hands afterthe shot on Ovechkin. If “ice in his veins and murder in his eyes” Backstrom is that visibly emotional,then somebody done done somebody wrong.

3/7/2011 - Holtby comes on in relief of Neuvirth in a game against the Bolts, when Neuvirth takes a shot off the mask and gets a sliver of metal in his eye. He held the Caps in it, and went on to help get the shootout win, 2-1. This was the very beginning of his career, and he’d go on to start the post-season against the Bruins and really blossom.

1/24/2012: Matty Perreault tricks the Bruins. This was an interesting game because it was one of the games Ovechkin was suspended for, after the NHL decided to make an example out of him and suspend him for a hit on Michalek but still require him to go to the ASG. Ovechkin not eager to play the NHL game of cookie-cutter villain / showdog to trot out and make money (boy, if you ever want to get an earful of rant, start me off on that particular suspension because I will not shut up about it, ever) and withdrew from the ASG. With Ovechkin out for suspension and Nicklas Backstrom concussed by noted shitstain Rene Bourque, and Mike Green also injured, it wasn’t looking good– until diminutive hero Matty P stepped up (and later got a shaving cream pie, courtesy of his proud captain who essentially rushed out of the press box in his suit and down to the ice to do it) to win the damn game with his hatty.

Fun fact with this game: Perreault somehow managed to high-stick Chara in the face during this game.Ponder that one for a minute. One might wonder how Perreault could even high-stick someone who routinely gets calls from Logan Airport to please move his head sothe planes can take off, without sneaking a ladder onto the ice or something.

2/24/2012 - Caps beat Habs 4-1. There’s an Ovechkin pretty goal in this one, but this real thing I remember is that Mike Green was itching to get back at Rene Bourque for concussing Backstrom, and boy did he. Green was playing Bourque because of the puck coming his waynear the net, but as soon as he saw the puck was past and out of danger, heturned his full attention to absolutely nailing Bourque and shoving him face-first into the goal-side. It was awesome.“Oh, did I fling you into the goal post? My bad, man.”

3/29/2012 - Matt Hendricks wins the shootout for Washington 3-2 and completely turns Tim Thomas inside out. At that point, you expected players like PKane or Datsyuk or Oshie to make beautiful, awe-inspiring SO moves.Matt Hendricks? Well, that’s a secret Caps fans knew and reveled in, and then welaughed at the other teams when they went, “Matt Hendricks, seriously? That’swho you're—oh, fuck. Fuck! fuuuuuuck! Where the fuck did that come from?!”

4/16/2013 - Ovechkin nearly tears Jay McClement’s head off for boarding Backstrom. This was a Caps 5-1 win over Toronto, and you’ve probably seen the clip in question. It was encouraging to see how much the team rushed to start a line brawl for Nicky’s sake. Backstrom, it should be noted, stood right back up and threw himself after the guy throwing himself at Ovi, so it went both ways.

12/10/2013 - I could describe all of Ovi’s four goal games, but this one against the Bolts, a 6-5 shootout win, was super dramatic and his first since 2008, a five year span. I’m just going to quote the RMNB recap of it: First, Mike Green committed a penalty and the Lightningscored. Then, Mike Green committed a penalty and the Lightning scored. Then, ina Shyamalany plot twist, Mike Green was on-ice when the Lightning scored. Holtbywas like, “Sick of you, Mike,” and he peaced out; Grubauer in. AlexOvechkin put the team on the board with an instant-score following a faceoff.Okay, buckle up. Here we go.

Troy Brouwer proved unable, so Nick Backstrom finished off the powerplay for him. Then, Alex Ovechkin happened. After Richard Panik earned a 5-minute major for boarding Karl Alzner, the Russian machine made Tampa pay. Twice. First, he laid up a cross-ice pass from Marcus Johansson, then he took a one-timer from Green to tie the game. Hats rained down. Another three-goal second period for the Washington Capitals.

Ondrej Palat put the Bolts back up in the third, taking advantage of some observational Capitals defense, but the Caps weren’t done. With the Caps net empty, Alex Ovechkin struck again, scoring his 4th goal of the night. HIS FOURTH FOARTH GOAL OF THE NIGHT.

12/13/2014 - Backstrom’s natural hat trick against the Lightning. He’s just so silky smooth.

10/23/2015 - Evgeny Kuznetsov’s hat trick and five point night against the Edmonton Oilers.

11/16/2016 - Nicklas Backstrom has another 5 five point night as the Caps skull the Penguins 7-1. Fun fact: At that point in time, Backstrom had had five five-point games, one more than Ovechkin, equaling Crosby, and one less than Malkin. And… no All Star Game appearances or Selkes, because the NHL is stupid.

If you want to know his other five point games up until then, they were:

11/16/2016 against Pittsburgh Penguins – 2 goals, 3 assists12/10/2013 against Tampa Bay Lightning – 1 goal, 4 assists02/04/2010 against New York Rangers – 1 goal, 4 assists12/05/2009 against Philadelphia Flyers – 1 goal, 4 assists11/15/2008 against New Jersey Devils – 1 goal, 4 assists

1/7/2017 - Backstrom’s 500th assist, on a TJ Oshie goal. It’s harder to pick out favorite Backstrom games because his game is so quiet and focused on operating in the shadows. Usually he’s having some kind of tremendous game that people focus on the dudes scoring the goals off the magical moves he’s making.

1/22/2017 - Ovechkin’s 1000th point. 35 seconds in, against the Pens. FUN FACT I WAS THERE FOR THIS ONE. I have a good friend from out of town who is a Pens fan (I’m as shocked as you), and for the past couple years she’s come to town from across the country when the Caps play the Pens, and my record with her was ABYSMAL. Until this game, I had never seen the Caps win in person at Verizon while she was there, but then this one happened, and she very kindly didn’t shove me over the ledge of the nosebleeds to my death, as she would have probably been in full rights to do after all the hooting and capering I was doing.

LOSSES? UH….

I don’t have a lot of recs for Caps losses because, well, I’m not a masochist. But if you must, I would recommend two particular ones first because the fights were bonkers.

11/21/1998 - Caps vs. Bruins. These is notable because of the goalie fight. Most notably, the one that’s been called “The Dance” between Byron Dafoe and Olie Kolzig, since– well, you’ll know it when you see it. The backstory is, Dafoe and Kolzig were close friends– best men at each other’s weddings, even. And when the Bruins and Caps threw down in their line brawl, Dafoe grabbed Dale Hunter (Dale Hunter having been just momentarily pried out from the dogpile and had just been separated from Ken Belanger) and Kolzig came down the ice to get in on the action. However, Kolzig decided to fight Ken Belanger (since the refs had turned around to deal with Dale Hunter) which was… uh, probably not a good idea.

Dafoe and Hunter had simultaneous “Ho-shit, son,” realizations, immediately stopped fighting each other, and flung themselves at Kolzig and Belanger respectively. Dafoe grabbed Kolzig and basically waltzed him away from Belanger before he could get his head smashed in, and Hunter went back to fighting Belanger. Kolzig and Dafoe pulled each other’s jerseys off while Kolzig seemed torn between trying to yell at Dafoe for yanking him out of the fight and laughing at his friend. Everyone on the ice got tossed and the Caps lost 5-4 in OT.

1/12/2010 - Caps vs. Bolts. You actually don’t really have to watch this whole game, which was a 7-4 loss. You just need to watch Steve Downie and Alex Ovechkin drop the gloves and prepare to fight, only to have Matt Bradley come streaking in at the last second and literally steal the fight out of Ovechkin’s hands. Dan Steinberg did a great write-up of it for the Sportsbog. It’‘s kind of hilarious because, well, Ovi and Downie were both completely taken by surprise. If you catch any of the later analyst clips, you can see Bradley watching Ovi and Downie yell at each in the box, keeping an eye on the unfolding events like a hawk, screaming urgently at Eric Fehr to get the hell off the ice so he can get on without getting the instigator, and then just making a direct beeline for the fight so he can get in front of Ovi and punch Downie in the face.

12/16/2014 - The never ending fucking shoot out with the Panthers. Ugh. I refuse to even google this to find highlights. WE WENT THROUGH THE ENTIRE GODDAMN ROSTER. EVEN BROOKS FUCKING ORPIK SCORED. ON A TRIPLE DEKE. I still refuse to believe the entire thing wasn’t a fever dream from the mind of Roberto Luongo while passed out on the can. It did at least give us the notable mic’d up quote of “Coach Korn has a pitched tent in the stands right now,” though.

WAIT IT’S BAD LUCK TO END ON A LOSS, LET’S END WITH SOME MORE WINS.

1/08/2016 - This game had everything I say, in my best breathy Stefon voice. A quick two goal lead for the Caps. Giving up three goals to fall behind. Nicklas Backstrom slamming in a loose puck with less than ten seconds left to tie it. OT madness. Nate Schmidt and his skate helping Holtby save an almost slam dunk Ranger goal off the faceoff in OT. Ovechkin grabbing the saved puck and going end to end to score in OT. Ovechkin falling on his face. Happy, huggy chaos by the Caps on Madison Square Garden ice. Ovi one away from 500 goals…

1/10/2016 - Ovechkin’s 500th. This might be my favorite game (for now…), not because it was a blowout win, not because Ovechkin actually had two in this game, one of which involved dangling Erik Karlsson’s pants off, but watching the team come to celebrate with him, seeing how much they loved him and were overjoyed for him and had actually planned it out in advance without his knowledge… that’s just something special. It was just a really, really good moment that very little can spoil for me, no matter what.

[meher-sumedha]

Alright I am writing this shit even tho it has only 5 notes cause I can't think about anything else. Also, read at your own risk cause it's adult. Also I'm writing the story from first person POV'S: Also I fucking swear if anyone reblogs this shit I'm gonna sue.

Another Love : Chapter 1

Nesta :

Cassian and I were flying in the mortal lands. I just smiled at him and he held me tighter. We were flying so high that we could see the view of the entire land. From this height no body could see the miserable lives of the people who lived here. Just the greenery of the forest. Cassian started to come close to the ground and then I saw her.

"Sorry Cassian", "For Wh-", I pushed him off of me and went tumbling through trees. There, I saw her. She was tied to the back of a van. The ropes were soaked with vervain.

I ran towards her and started freeing her. I slapped her cheek a few times. "Hope HOPE, C'mon I need you to wake up". "Mom? MOM? How are you even here - What are you doing here?".

"Honey there's no time for asking questions" The rope finally came off and I hugged her fiercely. "Hope I need you to get as far as you can from here, you'll meet a person with wings and you'll tell him that you need help, ALRIGHT? ".

"HEY, get back in the damn van" A person shouted. "Go Hope go, I'll take care of myself, tell the long haired man that Nesta Archeron sent you okay? " I helped her out of the van.

"Mom what about you? ", "I'll be fine honey, just go, FAST NOW! ".

Hope ran and then 5 men started closing in on me. "We'll have fun with this one eh, she'll make a fine doll for us at night" One said to the other. "We'll see about that, the highest bidder will get her and Briallyn gave us special orders for this one. " Briallyn? Briallyn. What part does fucking Briallyn have? Shit shit shit shit shit.

It's fine. I can fight them off, can't I? I have a dagger on me but they all have swords. Well there's nothing left to do but find out then.

I lunged towards the first man and stuck my dagger up his shins and retrieved it. Another man tried to stab me from behind but I kicked his groin and drove my elbow up his nose. He stumbled and I took that opportunity to stick the dagger in his foot. He shrieked with pain.

Two others came to me from opposite directions and I moved back and they bumped into themselves and collapsed to the ground. I saw five other people coming towards my direction and I couldn't fight anymore.

I decided to summon my power then, the only option left. I let everything fade away slowly, the sound of their footsteps, my thumping heart, EVERYTHING. Until I could see that golden thread and pulled it.

I could only see silver flames everywhere until the shouting of the men stopped. I clutched my chest and saw 9 people around me. Some with their throats cut and some without their heads at all.

I suddenly felt a pang through my chest. I looked down and the last thing I saw was an arrow covered with my blood.

Cassian:

"For wh-" I was cut off by Nesta throwing me to the grounds. I fell directly into a trees and my wings were getting stabbed by a millions of branches until I finally felt to the ground. Why the hell would she pull this shit? Did I do something wrong?.

I got up and started walking when I heard someone shouting my name. I ran towards the direction from which the sound was coming and when I reached there. It was not what I was expecting at all.

"Cassian, are you cassian? ", A 15-16 year old redheaded girl came towards me and asked. "Who's asking? I don't really care I have to go". "Listen to me Mr. Mikeal Jackson, Hayley, I meant Nesta Archeron told me to find you so just answer the question or leave."

Nesta. NESTA. "Is she okay? Did somebody hurt her? Where is she? " Millions of questions were running through my head and the one I couldn't bear to ask - Is she dead?. "I-I don't know but please she told me to find you. Are you fucking Cassian or not cause I need to find a way to help her? "

"I am. Where is she? " I asked and suddenly heard men screaming. I ran towards that direction and that girl ran even faster than me. All the time clutching her hands to her ears to block out the shouting. Halfway the shouting stopped but we still kept running.

"MOM! MOM! " The girl started shouting when we reached there. 9 men were on the ground. Some beheaded and some with their throats slitted. I tried to listen to anything but I couldn't hear anything except the rustling of trees now and then.

I then saw something on the ground. Nesta's father's wood piece. No no no no no. The girl fell on her knees and started crying. I tried comforting her.

"They took her-they took her and now it's my fault" The girl said in between sobbing. "It's-it's alright, we'll find her" My voice cracked and it was like I was trying to assure myself that.

Why do I feel like I want like Hope Mikealson to suddenly appear in ACOSF, like she meets Nesta when she and Cassian were flying overhead the mortal lands and that she's actually Nesta's daughter from another dimension cause I remember gwyn saying there were 26 dimensions and that i could add that Nesta lived another life when she was under the couldron. Message me if you want me to write a story on this Or Just Like this post. (10 notes at least)

[bakugou-ou]

Ik I'm anon and all, but I don't wanna get off it because the embarrassment would probably make it worse. I'm just tired of life… mines is pretty useless if you ask me, and according to everyone else who if ever met, I'm ugly too, I wouldn't kill myself because I'm too much of a coward to do that, but I don't know what I wanna do with my life and I can never be happy without someone ruining it That's why you and other creators' story helps me, it makes me think about my dram life I'll never get

Listen, friendo, whoever you are, you’re not ugly, and not useless. You don’t need to come off anon if you don’t want to, I get it. This is gonna get v personal here in a sec, so I’m putting the rest of this down under a cut in case no one gives a shit about my personal life and doesn’t wanna see my tragic anime backstory, but I’m sharing it with you because you said that you like my writing. This is the story of how I ended up running this blog, it’s got lots of talk about suicide, mentions of rape. It’s not pretty, so read at your own risk. Also, it’s long.

When I was four years old, I tried to jump off the balcony of my apartment, I wanted to die. It wasn’t a kid doing a stupid thing, I literally thought if I fall from this height and hit my head on the ground, I will die and then went for it. I fell onto a 7ft tall cinder block mailbox on the way down, four feet below my balcony, crawled off of it, and walked back upstairs to my parents like nothing had happened. 

What was wrong that someone barely past toddlerhood wanted to kill themselves over? I don’t know, maybe it was just that my parents were fighting all the time and hated each other, maybe it was because I have the genes for it. More on that last bit later.

When I was six, I tried to throw myself in front of a car, thinking that if a small child like myself got hit by a car going 25+ mph, I’d die. The driver hit the brakes, I played it off like I’d tripped into the road, no one knew how I really felt. When I’d told my parents I wanted to die, they thought I was being dramatic, they didn’t think a kid my age even knew what that meant, the finality of it. But I knew, and I craved it.

When I was eight, I tried to hang myself in my older sister’s bedroom with her sheets. She found me, took me down before I blacked out, and we never spoke about it again after that night. I was pissed with my sister for saving me, I cried and punched her as she held onto me.

When I was twelve, I tried to eat a bottle of Xanax, thinking it would kill me. It didn’t, it just made me really, really fucking sick. Not sick enough to go to the hospital, but very sick. I had no lasting organ damage, but I still wanted to die.

When I was fourteen, my boyfriend dumped me over the phone on a day he was supposed to come to my house, and ignored me while I cried. He had me on speaker phone, actually, and his friends were laughing about it and I could hear them. I could hear him laughing along with them. So, I decided to eat a bottle of asprin for dinner a couple of weeks later. I was stupid, it didn’t work, and I was hospitalized in the mental ward for 2 weeks.

When I was seventeen, I had just left an abusive relationship, graduated high school, and my mom told me that my ex raping me repeatedly for 9 months was my fault and that I was asking for it by continuing to date him the whole time. I was too scared to leave, I had been told by a counselor at school that no one would believe me. I tried to eat all of my antidepressants. I was hospitalized for 3 weeks in the mental ward.

When I was eighteen, I tried to do that same thing again, in conjunction to another thing my mom said about my abuser. My cousin had been raped while studying abroad, and she was talking about poor cousin, your poor cousin, it’s so traumatic, but when I mentioned that I’d been abused for three quarters of a year and no one batted an eye, she told me I was being selfish, and that my time for being the victim was over. How dare I detract from my cousin. So, again, I tried to eat a bottle of pills. I was hospitalized for one week in the psych ward.

Earlier this year, at the age of twenty, I was hospitalized because I felt like I was going to slit my wrists if I stayed home. So I checked myself into the hospital. I was there for a week while my doctor tried to find better meds for me because clearly mine weren’t working. My mom had told me that she was ashamed of my sexuality and my gender identity, and the rape issue came up again, with her saying I wanted it, that I let it happen.

I have bipolar II, borderline personality disorder, OCD, PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and selective eating disorder. A lot is messed up with me. I get the anxiety from my mother, and the bipolar II from my father. The PTSD was a gift from my ex boyfriend, and the rest I just ended up with.

When I was a little kid, I loved books; my father read all sorts of books to me, all the time. Artemis Fowl was the first series we read, then Harry Potter, then my mother read me the Chronicles of Narnia, then my father read me A Series of Unfortunate Events. We also read other books, things that weren’t series. I loved reading, and I wanted to write things that made people feel the way I felt about the stuff I read. 

Both of my parents are naturally talented writers. At the age of six, I began to write fan fiction for Harry Potter. I was way too young to be on the internet, but I was online writing fanfics on snitchseeker. Some of the only validation I found in my life was from random strangers on the internet, encouraging me to continue writing and complimenting my plot lines, even if my grammar and spelling were atrocious; on the internet, no one knows you’re a little kid writing Drarry fanfic.

I was a really athletic kid, so I didn’t spend all my time writing, but a good chunk of my free time was spent writing if I wasn’t surfing, playing soccer, or skateboarding. I didn’t have a lot of friends, I wasn’t likable, apparently, and I had a really hard time in school. I got into a lot of fights because people picked on me, but I was always the one who got in trouble for defending myself. It pissed me off. I developed issues with authority. I wrote in composition books to escape all the crap around me.

By the time I turned 11, writing was my life. I had just moved to California from Hawaii, my life was basically turned upside down, and I was miserable. So, I made a myspace account, wrote fanfic on there, and threw myself headlong into it. I have a fanfiction.net account I’ve long since forgotten my username and password for, but it’s out there with dramione fanfic, sasusaku, things that I liked at the time. I need to escape everything happening around me. My dad, my best friend, wasn’t anywhere near me, my mom was a bitch, and my demented grandmother moved in with us. It was miserable.

By the time I was 15, the only hobby I had outside of practicing for orchestra, was writing. I laid in bed on days off and just sat on my laptop, writing. I stopped publishing things after I got a mean comment once, my first one ever. It bruised the ego I didn’t even have so badly that I refused to publish anything for three years.

When I was 18, I published my first fanfic in 4 years. It was a Criminal Minds fanfic, featuring an OC and Spencer Reid. I was so fucking proud of it, and while lots of people loved it, a lot of people said mean shit. So, I posted Loki fanfic, which got infinitely more love, and then I did an alternate version of my Criminal Minds fic, that one got even more hate than the original. Then I published a Wallander fanfic. I haven’t touched them in 3 years, despite people asking me for more.

Up until this time last month, I never showed my writing to anyone. I kept everything to myself, hidden, I was ashamed of it. It is my only coping mechanism, but I couldn’t share it with anyone. My parents had my computer passwords up until I was about 16, sometimes they’d look through my text files and come to me later and tell me how amazing my writing was, and encourage me to publish it. But I never believed them.

On a whim, I started this blog; I love Boku no Hero Academia, it has given me something to look forward to every week. I live Chapter to Chapter, episode to episode, I track my time with it, it’s a coping mechanism. I saw that there was a decently active fandom on here, and I wanted to be a part of it. I hesitated on making the blog for a few weeks, thinking that no one would want to read my writing.

A month later, there are nearly 600 people here, constantly asking me to write scenarios and headcanons for them, telling me they love my writing, and think I’m a nice person, and that they’re glad I’m here. Every time I get a message like that, I cry. I never thought anyone would ever care about my writing, let alone write it. When I got a single follower that wasn’t a friend I know in real life, I cried. I was so excited. When I got my first request, I was so, so excited. When people began sending more stuff in, when people started talking to me and wanting to be friends, I cried. I’ve made a dozen friends on here as a direct result of their writing, and my writing.

I love running this blog, and I love writing for everyone. I have felt useless and like a waste of space my entire life, I’ve been told that my entire life, I’m made to feel like that every day of my life even now by the people around me, save for my friends, but when I log on here, I’m reminded that hey, maybe I’m not useless. If I manage to make even one person happy with what I do, that’s all I want.

So, you saying that my writing helps you, helps me. All I’ve ever wanted in life is to make other people happy, to please them, and my writing is apparently doing that. I’m really, really lucky to be in this position.

Even if you don’t have something like this, you’re not useless. You should be here. I know you said you’d never kill yourself because you’re too cowardly, but I’ve never seen suicide as cowardly, but that’s probably because I’ve tried to do it so many times. I’ve made a total of 8 attempts in 21 years. I don’t think I’ll be trying it again, though. It’s taken me 21 years to find something that I’m kind of maybe a little good at, that makes me even a tiny bit happy, and that does some good for other people, too.

Shit sucks, life is really awful, and I completely understand the plethora of reasons any given person would feel like wanting to die. I’ve never thought it unreasonable or dramatic to feel that way, it’s just how some people feel. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life until 3 years ago, and even now I’m unsure if it’s really what I want to do with my life. I’ve got a lot going on behind the scenes that makes me feel like shite, and a lot of the time, the people around me try to ruin what little I have that I enjoy and that makes me happy…

Even with all that happening, somehow, I’m still here, and I’m writing this. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I get your feelings, I hear you, they’re valid, and I love you, stranger. Because I feel the same way as you all the time. This blog is my escape from that. It’s really the only thing I have keeping me from my intrusive thoughts.

If you never come off anon, that’s fine, but if you need to talk about things, I’m here for you, or anyone else who needs it. Really, if I can even try to help, I’ll do my damnedest to help. I hate seeing other people feeling as junk as I do on a daily basis, I want to try and make it better. If being a friend, even if I don’t know who you are, helps, I want to help. If writing things helps, I want to do it. But, for me, it’s not just helping other people, it’s helping myself. You coming into the box helped me. So, you’re not useless. You’re keeping me here, too.