#tldr: jaskier uses a behaviour chart on the witchers

[jaskiersvalley]

Oh my god you keep making additions to the illiterate! Witcher's series and I ADORE it. It's genuinely one of my favorite Witcher series and it's just so absolutely perfect and something that could easily be canon. Your writing is so gorgeous and you're so so creative it blows my mind!! Anyways, I don't want to prattle on for too long and be weird so just know I appreciate all the masterpieces you create for the fandom! Your content is an absolute blessing. Thank you for creating

Please never think you’re weird for expressing your love and enjoyment! It is a delight to see people having fun and being comfortable talking about what they like. While I don’t currently have more illiterate!Witcher snippets to offer as thanks, hopefully you’ll like Jaskier’s chart of gold stars and red dots.

During the winter, Kaer Morhen was a curious mix between a kindergarten and a monastery. Mostly, it was silent, the witchers there were stoic and dedicated to their jobs - they trained, they fixed up the old keep, they shared new knowledge. However, at times that peaceful (if oppressive) order was broken by a tempter tantrum and a brawl or some harebrained game that had those not involved wincing at the noise. Even Jaskier had had enough despite his almost saintlike patience most of the time. It had been Lambert’s fault really. He’d been needling both Geralt and Eskel all morning until Eskel finally snapped.

It had been quite impressive yet terrifying to watch as Eskel all but picked Lambert up and slammed him into the ground before stomping off. Only, Lambert had laughed as he picked himself up and yelled after Eskel, wondering whether that was the best he could do.

Nobody could blame Jaskier for squealing in surprise when he was on his way to his room and stumbled across Lambert on his knees in the corridor, Eskel’s hand in his hair.

That was rather the last straw for Jaskier. While he was all for expressing love freely, he was rather fond of not walking in on others without their consent. Which was why he loudly stomped past, ignoring whatever the two were doing though, judging by the sounds, Lambert got exactly what he’d been angling for all morning.

In his room, Jaskier set to work. First, he found his biggest piece of parchment and, after a quick apology, drew a chart on it, the name of each witcher down one side and the rest of the parchment was divided up into a lattice. Next came the fiddly bit. He had his golden doublet still, even though he never wore it. It was a bit too tight now and also wasn’t associated with the happiest of memories - not to mention the large tear on a sleeve that he hadn’t managed to fix. It was a noble sacrifice to cut out as many small stars as he could. His red doublet was perfect for the dots he’d planned. It wasn’t something he ever wanted to wear again. Armed with a pile of gold stars, another pile of red dots and a chart, Jaskier marched down to the kitchen where he stuck the chart to the wall, stood back and admired it.

“Nice work, bard,” Vesemir said, the first to notice.

Perking up, Jaskier grabbed a gold star and pinned it in the first box by Vesemir’s name. “Thank you. You get a gold star for being so polite.”

Next, Geralt got a gold star because he helped out in the kitchen even though it wasn’t his turn. Eskel earned his first star by ignoring Lambert’s taunts over dinner. However, Lambert seemed resistant to even doing the smallest thing to get a gold star. If anything, he seemed hellbent on his first mark being a red dot. That was not at all how Jaskier wanted to to start his chart off but it was looking more and more inevitable. Especially when the others were slowly accumulating a nice stash of gold stars. The rules had been simple, five gold stars in a row and something nice happened as requested by the person with the stars. It could be a particular dinner, a training session focused on something, a bath with scented oils, anything. When Eskel had got his five stars, he had asked for a hug of all things. Jaskier had happily wrapped him in his arms and held a bashful Eskel until he relaxed and sighed.

By the time Vesemir had gathered five stars in a row (he had a bit of a hiccough and a red dot appeared on his chart when he shouted at Lambert), he asked for a quiet afternoon. It took extra work to achieve that because Lambert decided it was prime time to start hammering at his armour in the centre of the courtyard. The noise echoed throughout the castle until Geralt and Eskel cornered him together and hauled him off for a bath.

Almost unsurprisingly, Geralt asked for an evening with Jaskier, just the two of them and no disturbances. Whatever it was that Eskel and Vesemir did to keep Lambert quiet, nobody mentioned it. Even if Lambert was quite subdued the following day too.

The only one with a still empty chart was Lambert. Until, one morning, Jaskier spotted that a series of gold stars had been put up haphazardly in Lambert’s row while a mix of stars and dots had been added to everyone else’s charts. The culprit was rather obvious. Without a word, Jaskier righted the chart and marched into the dining hall, standing opposite the unruly witcher.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to take part in the chart but that’s no reason to ruin everyone else’s fun.”

“It’s fucking bullshit,” Lambert shot back. “We’re not children to need that. Plus, it’s not fair.”

Despite his words, he was looking a little on edge, cowed and cornered even though Jaskier was no match for him. It made very little sense.

“No,” Jaskier agreed, “you’re not children. But the others enjoy it. Why do you feel the need to ruin it for them?”

The broken off “I don’t” and “It’s not that” were uncharacteristic enough but Jaskier wasn’t going to let Lambert get away with it.

“Why don’t you want to join in?”

There was a beat of silence and Lambert looked down. “I would never get five stars in a row so what’s the fucking point?”

Carefully, Jaskier reached out and grabbed one of Lambert’s wrists, tugging him to stand and follow him to the kitchen.

“You get your first gold star for being honest with me,” he said and put the star next to Lambert’s name. “It’s not a race to get give in a row and I know you’re just as capable as the others of getting them.”

“It’s not fair though,” Lambert pouted, eyeing up the chart. “Got a quill?”

Once one was in his hand, he crudely added another row, carefully spelling out Jaskier’s name under Vesemir’s.

“That’s better.” Lambert smiled. “Now it’s fair.”

From then on, the witchers gave Jaskier his own stars and red dots. While Lambert had been right and it was a struggle for him to reach five stars in a row, he now had Jaskier to race against, two late starters in the game and both just as bad as each other for letting a red dot slip in here or there. Geralt would never mention it but he saw Jaskier eyeing up the chart and, when it looked like he might get the five stars before Lambert, he deliberately went out of his way to get a red dot and keep the game alive.