#tldr: im an extremely practical minded person

[bananonbinary]

the main argument I've heard made wrt the IP thing and AI art is that the AI can only ever combine works from other artists. it has no creative input other than combining works that already exist; which, personally, i would be fine with if it was just being trained on work in the public domain and work from people who consented to be included, but these bots are scraping art from literally everywhere on the web with *very* few opportunities to opt out. even a human artist that's heavily inspired by other creators adds something of their own to the mix, it's kind of impossible *not* to unless you're literally tracing someone else's design, but AI is using art taken from other creators And Nothing Else, which when combined with the fact you can ask it to produce art "in the style of X" gets a lot of artists very mad

that feels like a very esoteric complaint though. how does one measure "creative input," and why does the actual method it uses to create not count? if you can't actually point to a bit of AI art like "thats my OC it clearly lifted that from this painting i did" then it's clearly done SOMETHING transformative. what has it actually stolen? the knowledge that your work exists, somewhere?

as far as i understand it, the main practical reason for "intellectual property" to exist as a legal concept, is to prevent someone from harming someone else's livelihood or reputation by claiming the work as their own. parody and free use are allowed only so far as they are sufficiently different from the source work. but these AIs...don't claim credit for the source works. they don't reproduce the source works anywhere at all. and what they create IS pretty transformative, even if it's in a soulless robot kinda way. it can't really be considered to be "taking away" from sales etc of the original works that exist, because it doesn't actually look like any one of them at all. I think even if I, a human, DID create "here's a collage of tiny pieces of shit i found on deviantart" it would still be considered fair use, but the connection between anything in the data sets and the actual art the AIs produce is much, much more tenuous than that.

I think any way that it could hurt an artist that you could define would also just cover competing artists in general. Even if an AI created a picture of, say, a tree In The Style Of Artist (let's call them Phil), it still wouldn't ACTUALLY be the same as the tree Phil would draw, it would just kinda look similar. and anyone who wanted a tree by Phil would know that this wasn't one, and wasn't worth their time. Phil could draw their own tree, and still sell it, and the AI would only really compete with that among Phil fans if it actually tried to claim that its version WAS by Phil.

This is sort of my main hesitation for the IP argument. we here in fandom spaces exist in a grey area of intellectual property, where EVERYTHING is "in the style of" or "based on" existing properties. if we try to legislate those very conceptual qualities, instead of actual concrete "look this was literally my image it made i published it two years ago," then our spaces will cease to exist.

again, that's not to say there's zero valid complaints about AI art. i definitely see the problem with corporations trying to replace human labor with them because the humans wanted better working conditions. (this is a larger problem imo where any progress in the workplace is stagnated because it will inevitably be used as an excuse to fire people instead of give them less work). and a friend explained to me why it's fairly offensive at the very least to try and bring AI art into what was clearly a space to celebrate the process of making art (eg, contests, writers groups and websites, etc). i just don't think this specific argument is a good path to go down.

[chaoticedward]

so likeeee what’s your opinion on freedom fries(soldier x spy)?? imo i love them very very very much and im so starved of any content of them that just seeing them next to each other i go “GAYYYY?????” so i will gladly appreciate any content of them if you don’t mind!!!

ANON YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE HOW HAPPY I AM THAT YOU ASKED THAT; my thoughts on this ship are long as hell so its under the cut but tldr i love them so much

i ADORE freedom fries with my entire heart!!! i think they dynamic between these two is just so hilarious like it would never ever ever work in theory but in practice these two idiots compliment each other's personalities so well. its not even like "book smarts x street smarts" which is what im usually into its like. "complete lunatic x extremely fancy gentleman with 0 patience for idiocy" but somehow soldier slipped through the cracks. theres just something that draws spy to him. im not sure what it is and i dont think spy knows what it is either but he is just so so infatuated with solly

i think that maybe spy has this internal need to "protect" soldier from his own stupidity (man can and will get himself hurt, i mean thats just canon) and i think he'd get really mad and say "dont you ever do that again!!!!" to solly a lot when he does stupid stuff, but solly just smiles in response and spy melts into his arms and everything is okay.

ofc i think solly cares a lot too but hes def a little nervous!! he really doesnt want to screw things up and probably tries to prove that he can be a gentleman every now and then (ending in horrible failure, which then ends with the two laughing and kissing) but usually he is just absolutely himself around spy and spy just adores him and his unpredictability

i actually have a whole tf2 fanfic thats abt 115,000 words long (im a huge writer) where freedom fries takes place for a little bit (but things dont work out since the Spy is a Spy, and soldier and engineer have some history) but i REALLY want to write another fic where they do work out because i essentially only included them in the story becuase i. simply wanted to indulge my love for this ship fskjfs if i ever do any freedom fries drabbles ill post them with art!

PLS PLS PLS if you have any freedom fries ideas or headcanons send them in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i will very gladly draw them!!!!

[pbjamas]

Please, thinking about how much neglect Hawks went through makes me so sad :( like not only does mans probably not know how to read or write but he was probably so far behind with EVERYTHING.

I am sure 100% his parents didn't teach him anything and the only resource he had of the world outside of his little shack was the TV (which his mum was practically glued to and it clearly didn't work well) so he wasn't going to learn much from that.

Like he probably couldn't even count past like 12, didn't know what most things were, didn't understand phrases (like in mean girls the "omg shut up" "I didn't say anything?" type of deal) and I know this child didn't know how to use chopsticks, like imagine when he gets taken in by the commission and he has to sit there for like an hour every meal cos he can't pick up his food without dropping it :( like I really think being so behind as a child is why he's so fast as an adult, he had to go really fast and cram to get to the normal level of a 7 year old and when he got there he just continued that speed, you know ?

Also, when we see him saving the people in the car crash he's got a little shopping bag, I like to imagine him paying for that if he couldn't read or count like the shopkeeper says its 300 yen and he thinks 1 note = 1 yen and he doesn't know how much 300 yen is but its clearly a Big Number and he definitely only has 4 yen so he starts freaking out like how is he going to get his mother money if things cost this much? But it turns out he actually DOES have enough money and now he's so confused because he now has 0 clue how money works so everytime after that he just prays that he has enough money for what he's picked up.

I also have a head canon that the reason why his boots are Like That is cos the first time he ever wore shoes was when he was on the streets with his mum and after 7 years of bare feet, walking in proper shoes was terrible so he preferred boots with hardly any sole that were so big they could barley fit his feet cos that felt most similar to walking bare foot and although he could walk fine in any shoe as an adult the boots were just never changed.

I also have this sad thought that like what if no one actually knows Hawks' real birthday ? Like I genuinely don't think Tomie was in a state of mind that allowed her to know or remember exact dates, not even the date that her son was born so when the commission asks when he was born she's just like "around Christmas? Maybe after?" So they just give him a birthday that matches that vague description :'(

THIS WAS SO LONG IM SO SORRY I just have many Thoughts about child Hawks :(

This one gets a readmore bc I rambled <3

aaaaaa ;_; that is so sad ;_;

yeah i remember talking with a friend and we about like.....what if baby keigo wrote in a diary! and since this was abt the ghost fic i was writing the ua kids were going to find his old diary and read it and probably cry. But then we realized......he wasn’t allowed to leave the house. Definitely did not go to school. Very much doubt that either tomie or his father taught him to read or write. If he knew any words at all, he would have learned them when his parents left him alone in the house and he could switch the TV to kids shows where they try to be educational.

Agreed that he probably couldn’t count that high either :/ slfkjsdkj what if....he made up words for the higher numbers so he could count higher ;_; AGAIN me thinking of the ghost fic (i poured my heart and soul into it okay!?) I had lil keigo just find a bunch of coins on the ground and hand it to the lady at the store and just hope it was enough bc he couldn’t count high :/

DO NOT give the boots a tragic backstory, I’ll start feeling bad about hating them!!!!

Aaaa that would be really sad if they didn’t even know his birthday ;_; my personal headcanon is that when he was younger his mom was more....there. It’s hard to take care of a baby, you have to be extremely careful because they can get hurt so easily. I like to think that until he could walk well, tomie actually did a pretty good job! she held him and fed him and maybe even sang to him. They were pals, he was her only friend. And then as soon as he could survive without her constant attention.....she just kind of.......withered, without that urgency. so tldr i think she would have remembered his birthday, and maybe even remembers newborn keigo with some fondness. and then let herself slip back into helplessness as soon as she could ;_;

The hpsc planned to immediately start hero training, but instead, they have to teach him how to count, how to read basic characters, how to hold a pencil, how to tie his shoes (UGH you have me considering the tragic boots backstory how dare you.....) .maybe bc he couldn’t tie his shoes he just preferred zipper to save himself the embarrassment (I STILL HATE THE BOOTS, TO BE CLEAR).

[tepidtrashpile]

covering taeyong’s parts

I am HEATED.

tldr: i don’t usually do stuff like this but i’m highly caffeinated and have nothing better to do so prepare for a (very convoluted and long) rant cause omg im so fucking mad. 

so for those of you who don’t know, nct 2020 had a resonance vlive/concert last night (dec 26/27) and taeyong and jisung were unable to perform due to a back injury (herniated disk) and knee injury respectively.

I’ll mainly be talking about taeyong in this just due to his extrEmely large presence within NCT and also jisung was there to vocally cover his parts.

(also not to take anything away from jisung, however in the sheer amount of screentime and tracks ty is in, him missing is much harder to disguise within a performance with or without vocals) 

in order these are the members that covered ty’s parts in each song (tbh i may be forgetting some, but the point is look at how hard they had to work to even fill ty’s dance position within the concert, the boy is in like 50% of their performed tracks)

nct u - boss - sungchan

nct u - the 7th sense - shotaro 

nct u - light bulb - yangyang

nct 127 - touch - haechan (first part), johnny (iconic ty and mork), yuta (pulls up in the chorus to fill in ty part to the stage right of jh) 

nct u - make a wish - jeno (first part), jaemin (basically rest of the song)

nct 127 - kick it - mark (usually the center parts), jaehyun (first rap), yuta (end dance break), johnny (mark stepped on him rip lol)

nct u - misfit - johnny (start), sungchan (end)

nct 2020 - resonance - jeno / jaemin (?) - dude idk im having trouble keeping up at this point

// I want to make it very clear that NCT would not be where it is without taeyong. I’m not suggesting that he is replaceable in any way, shape or form. however as a person with two parents in the performance industry - and im sure that many of u understand just from general life experience -- the show mUst go on. when you have a presence as large as ty missing, it is undoubtedly going to take a toll on the overall energy and performance but i personally think that the boys fucking killed it -- especially with such a short turnaround from learning that ty would not be performing. (jaemin said that jeno legit had one HOUR to practice the beginning of maw (and by proxy the beginning of resonance) and that amount of talent and skill is unfuckingbelievable) but I digress. 

// there is nothing wrong with being disappointed that taeyong cannot perform. (get well soon ty!) he is an incredible performer and human being. there is nothing wrong with seeing (and understanding) that another member filling ty’s part is going to FEEL different, even if they do a phenomenal job. there is nothing wrong with feeling the difference in energy and performance -- there is obviously ANOTHER PERSON doing the part that we are accustomed to. there is nothing wrong with having a conversation and discourse about the performance. however... there IS something wrong with putting down members and harshly criticizing their performance in a malicious way. constructive criticism is one thing, but a lot (not all but an overwhelming amount) of what I have seen in the comments and the little bit of twitter i have been on has just been bashing members (one in particular) about their performance. 

//

// let me get the easy part out of the way here. jaemin and jeno killed it during maw. yuta’s dance break, mark’s center time, jaehyun covering ty’s rap, and johnny stepping up to get stepped on (hehe i’ll stop now don’t mind me) were all surprisingly refreshing. yangyang covering lightbulb was (imo) one of highlights of the concert. for a rapper who often doesn’t get the recognition that he deserves he did a PHENOMENAL job covering the entirety of ty’s parts in his own way and conveying his emotions. yes, the members weren’t the same as taeyong, however, they added their own twist and their own personalities to it. it is in fact BETTER to do this and be remembered for their own style than attempt to emulate someone else’s performance. it is the sign of a great artist to take something and make it your own. 

// now, onto the two newest members. i will be candid about this. the biggest difference I felt within the performance was when sungchan and shotaro were covering ty’s parts. tbh this is to be expected (?). i’m not trying to put down the boys but the reality is that they debuted 2-3 MONTHS ago? all of the other members covering ty’s parts have had significantly more experience in every aspect of performing. jaemin and jeno may be about the same age as chan and shotaro but they have upwards of 4 years more experience (debuted anyway, and anyone can tell u that practicing vs the real thing can be a very daunting change) than the other two. the other members have performed in front of a live crowd, they have had time to deal with criticism and learn from it. they are just in every way more experienced, and although we expect great things out of all the members, it is simply unrealistic to expect the same level of performance out of members with 2 years less experience than anyone else on the stage. 

aneway...

shotaro covered one of the hardest parts in nct history - taeyong’s 7th sense. in every way - the rap, the technicality of the dance, the sheer charisma ty brings - this was a daunting task. him being a rookie DID show in the performance. this isn’t a bad thing. the tone of his rap did sometimes lack nuance and the level of sophistication that we know taeyong to have. however, i do think shotaro was the right choice for this song. you have to give rookies experience for them to grow, and a concert like this (even without a live crowd) is a great time to do it. (i’ll get into logistics later but bear with me)

the sad reality is that we’re probably not going to have large in person concerts for at least the next year and it will be a long time til travel, concerts, and simply life return to what they were before covid. it will be a very long til the boys get to perform on a stage with the energy of a crowd in the same way they have up til now. 

now sungchan. my poor bb sungchan :(

sungchan covered ty’s part is boss (and a little bit in misfit but johnny covered the first part and its more of a hype rap song than one with designated dance moves and centre parts). the dance (in boss) may not be the most technical but this is an unfORGETTABLE song when it comes to taeyong’s part. the beginning “nct leggo?” *chefs kiss*. from what i’ve seen sungchan is the one receiving  the most criticism (read hate) about his performance. look, i’m not going to argue that out of all the members who filled ty’s part he was the weakest. (im not trying to hate, but imo his performance was the weakest, u can disagree with me). he definitely less comfortable with covering taeyong’s part than anyone else was - including shotaro. i think most of the criticism is coming from the fact that he just looked anxious and unable to throw himself into the choreo and when comparing him to taeyong (who again just -- idk he’s unexplainable) his performance does fall a little flat. imo the rap was okay, his tone is actually somewhat similar to ty. i really think that most of the hate is stemming from the execution of the choreo rather than the rap. HOWEVER... calling him “stiff as a board” and commenting “cap” emojis does absolutely nothing except spread unnecessary hate. sungchans position is NOT as a dancer. he is only listed as a rapper. shotaro, however, is listed as both a dancer and a rapper. not to say that these listings are the end all be all of a member’s position, but because they are so new they are a decent representation of what SM thought their strengths were. we would love our idols to be aces at everything, but they are human and humans have their strengths and weaknesses. compared to taeyong, and also shotaro, sungchan does not have the technical ability nor the confidence while dancing. I’d like to believe that anyone who analyzes their performances and takes an objective view can understand where i am coming from. 

tldr: you are placing unrealistic expectations on a rookie who’s main position is NOT main dancer. you are asking him to fill the shoes of arguably one of the most charismatic and talented rappers, leaders, and centers of 4th gen kpop... as a ROOKIE. his performance is most likely going to show cracks of being relatively new to the stage. its okay to acknowledge that, but don’t be fucking rude when discussing his performance. 

// the amount of posts i’ve seen calling sungchan “untalented” “stiff as a board” just im so fucking over it. yes, his performance had its weaknesses but name-calling and just straight up hate does nothing to help a performer and just ruins everyone’s mental. you can bet your ass that every single one of these boys has worked their ass off, given up unimaginable things, and faced challenges to get where they are today. not to mention that (in particular the case of sungchan and shotaro) these boys are young. the other youngest/newest members have had about 2 years (yangyang, xiaojun, hendery) to become accustomed to the criticism and also hatred that comes with being in the spotlight. sungchan is less than a MONTH older than me. shotaro is just a year older than me. my best friend is legit older than both of these boys. idk your age but think about yourself at their age, or where u think you’ll be at their age. they have accomplished SO much and are so young. they’re 19 and 20 and in an internationally recognized band. we know that a lot of these boys (and idols) do read our comments. i don’t care how much media training you’ve received, how strong your mental is, getting called untalented and being hated on is going to take a toll on your mental. along with that, what is the NEED? to spread hate? to show that “huhu, im such a big deal that all these people are responding to me”. like, legit wtf do u gain from this? 

// when you are a performer you do open yourself up to criticism, it is part of the job. but criticism and hate are two very different things. to get where nct is today, every single member has to be humble enough to accept guidance AND constructive criticism. we all know how much the boys value nctizens opinions and take them into account when performing. when you are a performer like that you also have to criticize your own work. no matter what profession you are in, no matter what you do, you analyze ur own work and attempt to make it better. i can all but assure u that shotaro and sungchan (and all the boys) know their strengths and weaknesses, know when a specific move, performance, or other area of their ability is not up to par (or they just want to improve which is imperative to success in the music industry)

just be a decent human being. put urself in all of the boy’s shoes and think “hmm how would i feel if some stranger on the internet said this about me” before you make hateful statements. 

again, there is nothing wrong with having a discussion and understanding that humans have strengths and weaknesses, but don’t just put someone down because u feel like it.

//

in case you aren’t convinced to be a decent person, have a more logical (?) approach -- not that u should have to shown a dissertation to be a decent human but i digress.

(think about how many other songs the rest of rap line has to perform, logistically, who else are you going have cover the entierty of boss and 7th sense.)

rap line is: taeyong, mark, lucas, hendery, jeno, jaemin, yangyang, shotaro, sungchan, and jisung (?).  

everyone except lucas and hendery (and jisung but bb was injured :( ) covered ty’s part in some aspect. in fact, people not in the friggin rap line helped cover some of ty’s rap (johnny, jaehyun, haechan im looking at you) and other members covered dancing and center parts when they were asked to.

mark is in just as many tracks as ty and was RUNNING around to get to the next song this entire concert. you can legit see his outfit change with jackets and hats. he filled in for ty in kick it (group effort but u get the point) but in 7th sense just to the way that the song works and the dance etc etc, you can’t have mark doing his part as well as ty’s without it falling flat and taking a huge toll on mark. same with boss, marks filling just as big a role as ty and like, legit how do u give this boy mOre lines than he already has. (u can see that sm did a similar thing with jeno and jaemin in the beginning of maw, jeno covers the first part and then jaemin the rest of the song because jaemin can’t leave an open space at the vEry beginning of the song) (10/21 total performances)

lucas isn’t in as many as say mark but he is in boss and make a wish (boss being very hard for him to cover ty’s part, and jeno and jaemin covered maw. if i’m being completely honest i don’t think lucas has the same tone or technical ability to fit into ty’s parts in the songs as much as say - sungchan on a pure technical and tone pov (6/21 total performances)

hendery, similar to lucas isn’t in an absurd amount of tracks but still enough to tire a guy out lol. because of him performing full choreos in other songs it doesn’t make sense for him to learn a completely new choreo while simultaneously having to memorize and practice the others songs. also, in a similar vein of lucas, i just don’t think hendery is the first choice when choosing someone to cover ty’s parts (dont kill me hendery and lucas stans lol) (6/21 total performances)

jeno while jeno isn’t in the sheer number of performances as other members, he does end up covering ty’s starting part in maw (see reasoning for jaemin above). this by proxy means he covers the maw part in resonance. while he does a fantastic job covering the starting part, asking him to learn the entirety of boss or 7th sense would be a fuckton of work. u can legit see him yEEt himself out of camera view after his part - not to mention again that he had an hour to practice lol (6/21 total performances) 7/21 covering

jaemin - first off u can literally see jaemin’s energy fall throughout the final song the boy is so tired by aneyway... it makes total sense for him to cover maw as he already knows the choreo and it take less effort than learning an entirely new song. also, when ur comparing popularity/center time between jeno and jaemin vs. hendery (even lucas sometimes) they simply have more, and when u aRe in the center u have to expend more energy becAuse u are holding the performance together (6/21 performances)

yangyang let me get my yangyang simping out of the way, but this boy is so fucking talented and his rap deserves more praise. lightbulb compared to other songs ty is in, is a more melodic and emotional based song. there is no choreo, therefore the person covering the rap just has to focus on the rap itself rather than the rap AND the choreo. imo this was the best possible choice for someone to cover ty’s part in lightbulb (6/21 total) 7/21 covering ty’s part

shotaro shotaro is only in 4/21 performances. it simply makes sense for the rap line member with the fewest songs to perform to learn a a full choreo. as stated above, 7th sense is the more technically difficult of the songs that required learning and covering a full part. assigning shotaro (the dance line member) to the more challenging choreo is just the easy choice -- especially if ya’ll gonna come for sungchan’s dancing skills, give the damn song to shotaro smh (4/21 performances) 5 when covering 7th sense

sungchan tied with shotaro for the fewest performances (just by nature of being the newest members) in the same way that it makes sense for shotaro to learn a full choreo, it makes sense for sungchan. reasoning for the assigned songs above. (4/21 total performacnes) 5 with boss

// the songs where they didn’t have a designated member cover most/all of taeyong’s parts were in the 127 songs as well as in baby don’t stop (ten and taeyong duet). 127 is the most veteran of the nct subgroups, and is in general just more accustomed to filling in parts (ie winwin - screw u sm lol). they have johnny who trained as a rapper who can fill in, jaehyun, haechan, and yuta have all proven that they can cover rap with more a sing-rap style and mark can take/cover parts when it is logistically possible. 

// in 127′s songs although ty does often take center and many lines, in general 127 is just a more well rounded group. (don’t come for my ass). in the same way that dream has an undeniable chemistry, 127 is the same way. when you work with the same group of people for an extended period of time without many (if any) changes you just build better chemistry. in nct u taeyong takes more of the spotlight just due to his charisma and raw power. think about it. which performance suffered more due to taeyong’s absence: touch / kick it or make a wish / boss / 7th sense. 

also: because 127 is a fixed unit all the boys know the choreo and have consistently performed it at concerts allowing for member to step in where they know they are comfortable without the amount of discussion it might otherwise take in a rotational group

// take a second to think about a certain performance without taeyong in it. it may just be me, but i think 127 fare much better without their leader than any rotational group without taeyong very (firmly ?) bolstering the performance in the center. (taeyong doesn’t hold all these titles for nothing, he is truly another breed)

// in baby don’t stop they didn’t even attempt to cover taeyong’s absence. idk if that was ten putting his foot down and saying that he didn’t want someone covering the part or if it was more of a choice based on marketing and fanservice. baby don’t stop is truly ten and taeyong’s song and idk if even pairing 10 with a dancer with ty’s vocal in the backtrack would have received positive feedback. 

//

if you have somehow made it this far props to you lol. a rant that started because i wanted to defend sungchan has turned into a long analysis of members... whoops.

tldr: just be a decent human being. everyone in nct is human. a talented, multifaceted, human with strengths and weaknesses. being a nctizen doesn’t mean not being proud, disappointed, happy, or any other emotion about the boys. but it does mean treating the boys and other fans with respect. 

[imaginesportsanimedorks]

Hey!!! Can I request Makoto Hanamiya x reader?

Wahaha hows everyone im back again after almost a year (this is a Thing now isnt it) 

I didn’t do Lemony Things because you didn’t ask for it, but i couldnt think of what to write so I tossed in a bunch of tropes into my fave bot tatsu’s choosing command and um so this is a teacher au

this is set in hanamiya and co’s second year and everything’s the same except reader is a TEACHER at his school (not that much older, I headcanon them to be arnd 4/5 years older than the guys here?) so if thats not your thing feel free to not read it, take care

tldr; teacher!reader x student!hanamiya, gender neutral reader, sfw, ~2k words

—

Being the youngest teacher in school, relatively attractive and good at your job assures that most of the student body adores you. Some of them find you irritating, because you take your job seriously and it thwarts their hopes of getting an unfair extension, or handing in a shoddy assignment and getting good grades. Others respect you for it. You’ve had your fair share of teachers who completely disregard students or give them too much of an advantage, and you never want to be like them. You’re there to do your job, and that requires you to be dedicated and sincere. It’s more than just teaching kids, it’s about shaping their lives and you can’t ruin that just by not taking things seriously.

You pay attention to the rules, and you make sure that students do too. It’s a rich school, so the students don’t get into petty things deigned below their status, but sometimes their offences are all the more complicated. You don’t know how to deal with a feud between the heirs of two corporations which manifests itself in the form of a midnight brawl, nor do you know how to deal with people sneaking their boyfriends or girlfriends into the campus when you can’t tell if the rich kid belongs to your school or not. But you try your best, because you’ve become the discipline committee’s advisor, and if the students can handle things, you surely can.

It’s when you notice a certain pattern that you don’t know how to continue your job. The committee is just as disciplined as required from the rest of the students. They are the epitome of perfection, second only to the council that takes care of the business of the entire school. Yet, you’ve noticed something about Hanamiya from the discipline committee, and it’s thrown you for a loop.

He’s a great student; top grades, always polite and courteous, a member of the basketball club, that too as the captain… he’s nothing short of excellent. And he’s been beating kids up during his basketball matches, with the help of his team.

It pains you to think of all the people he’s possibly put into the hospital, all the people who might be unable to play for the rest of their life. But despite everything in you screaming to report him to the concerned authorities, you remain quiet.

It’s not like you have any proof either. It happened only because you heard some people from another school talking about his team, and to make sure the gossip wasn’t real, you’d paid extra attention to their next game. The rumours had been true.

You start observing him carefully, your eyes seeking him out more frequently - when you’re teaching him in class, when you’re in the committee’s room, when you walk by the gym and peek in through the windows. It’s weird, you have no explanation for it so you hope every day that no one ever finds out or asks you about it. But you can’t keep your eyes off of him.

And the more you look at him, the more you think of nothing but him. Or maybe it’s the other way round? Either way, you’ve got a guilty secret of your own on your hands. You like watching Hanamiya Makoto even when he’s doing absolutely nothing.

He hasn’t caught on, still smiling his polite smile at you during committee meetings, still answering questions perfectly in class, and still not noticing you loitering outside the gym.

It’s one of those times when you’re outside the gym, absently looking through the window wondering where Hanamiya is, when someone croons, “What brings you here, sensei?”

You inhale sharply, freezing. You don’t want to turn around, you can’t, not when Hanamiya is standing right behind you, and has caught you in the process of trying to locate him inside the gym.

Internally yelling at yourself, you exhale, plastering a smile on your face and turning around, “Oh, Hanamiya-kun, I was just passing by and thought I’d check in.” Best to stick to the truth. You didn’t want to make up an outlandish lie and get caught.

“Would you like to come in?”

Did you hear him correctly? You stare at him blankly, mind trying to process his words and coming up with nothing in return. Is he inviting you in? If so, why? What does he get out of letting you watch him practice? Could it be a scheme to get you in a secluded place and then threaten you?

Or maybe you just have an overactive imagination, and Hanamiya suspects nothing and is just extending the invitation out of common courtesy. You’re a teacher after all, it’s not the first time someone’s tried to butter you up for some extra credits, even if you wouldn’t follow through. A voice at the back of your mind jeers, you’ve already favoured Hanamiya by not telling people about his tactics.

“It’s alright, I have some work to finish up so I’d better get going.” You refuse. You’ve decided that you’re not going to come here again. Today’s the first and the last time you plan to get caught.

“Is it committee work?” Hanamiya asks, and unbidden, you nod. “You don’t have to worry about that. I will do my best to assist you. Please come in, I’d love if you did. If you’re worried you’ll get hit by a ball, don’t be. My team doesn’t needlessly toss it about.”

The way he calls the team his, as if he owns it, doesn’t escape you. With no other option, you nod. It’s better if you see them playing from up close once, isn’t it?

He smiles, walking back up the steps leading to the gym, and holds the door open for you. You slip in, and he shuts it behind you. Now you’re in the lion’s den without any escape.

No, that’s not it, you scold yourself. You’re a teacher, you’re still much more powerful against some high school boys.

You sit down in a corner of the gym, trying to put on an air of almost disinterest, even though you’re incredibly curious.

They resume practicing, his teammates not even commenting on your presence as if it’s the most natural thing for you to be there, and for a moment you entertain the extremely embarrassing thought that maybe they all know you’ve been lurking. Please, no. Anything but that. You don’t know what you’d do if someone asked you about it.

Because without the thing about you being concerned about the things the basketball team is potentially doing, you’re doing the same thing girls in your grade used to do back when you were in school; stalking boys on athletic teams for less than pure reasons. If someone thought that you’re doing that now, it’d be so much worse. You’re a teacher. Despite how attractive your students can occasionally get, they’re not for you to feast your eyes on.

Soon, you go back on your words completely and are watching them openly, awed at the way the ball passes from one person to another and into the hoop. You’ve never been the best at sports, but people who are this talented are always admirable to you.

If only they didn’t use underhanded tactics, a voice says in your head, and your expression turns sour.

Maybe you’re wrong. You’re still trying to hold onto the idea that what happened during the game you watched was a one-time thing, and they’d played the rest of their matches with the utmost sportsmanship. You just feel bad, suspecting them of foul play when you don’t actually have much to go by other than one game and a remark from some unknown student of another school.

Hanamiya is a great guy, a good student and committee member who always helps you out and pays attention in your class. Considering he acts as the coach as well, you sincerely doubt that he’d be unaware of what the rest of the team does. If they were the ones engaging in foul play, you doubt he’d let it happen.

You’re obsessing over this when the air around you gets charged, and you lift your eyes just in time to watch as a ball almost hits your face. It whizzes past you and hits the wall hard, before bouncing off onto the ground and away. You say nothing, heart in your throat as you try to calm down, but you can’t, not when they’re all staring at you wordlessly.

Finally, Hanamiya makes his way over to you, and bends down, picking up the ball. Straightening, he looks down at you, and your eyes meet his, mind at war as you try to look away while also wishing you could stare at him forever. “You okay, sensei?”

You blink. “I- uh, yes, yes I am. It didn’t hit me.”

“Sorry about that, Hara was playing around and accidentally sent it your way.” You peek around him to watch as a purple haired boy holds up a hand, cheekily singing, ‘Sorry, sensei~’

He sounds anything but sorry. “Who even hits the ball that hard while playing around…” you mumble, biting your lip once you realise you’ve spoken out loud.

Hanamiya cracks a smile, and you uncomfortably avoid his eyes. “He’s a bit enthusiastic. Please don’t be upset, we’re very sorry. I understand if you’d like to leave now.”

“No, it’s okay,” the words spill out, “Accidents happen. It’s good that he’s enthusiastic. You need that in sports, right?” You laugh, overly cheerful because otherwise you’d just cry, and for a moment, your student’s eyes widen. Clearly, he wasn’t expecting you to want to stay. Well then, you’ll just prove him wrong. You pull your lips into a bright smile, and continue, “Please, I’m alright, so go back and play.”

Hanamiya nods, and the rest of the practice passes by in a blur. You’re playing attention now, and the way they play is almost hypnotising. Hanamiya and the other boy you teach - Seto, who sleeps through every class but miraculously answers correctly when he’s called up to the board to solve questions - render the others unable to score as they make some sort of elaborate formation that passes over your head. You’re so interested that it comes as a disappointment when they announce the end of practice.

You get up, trying not to lose balance as blood rushes through your legs again after sitting for so long. You’re reminded of all the work waiting for you, and you wince. Hanamiya had said he’d help you, but it was actually work for you, a student couldn’t do anything about it. You’d just spent the past hour and a half watching the basketball club play around like someone with no work pending.

Another late night, that’s all you could do about it now.

But as they all bow down and thank you, you can’t help but smile. It was certainly much more enjoyable than staring at documents, if you were being completely honest. You spent half the time wondering if the kids were as bad as people made them out to be, and the rest of it completely enthralled by them. Suffice it to say, you’d had a good afternoon.

You look at Hanamiya, head tilted to the side as you watch him give our orders to the juniors, and you allow yourself a second to admire his profile. He reminds you of one of your classmates from school, talented, good leadership skills and just overall admirable. And it’s painfully obvious that Hanamiya Makoto is handsome as well.

But that was that and this is this, and you’re not going to dwell upon it.

You don’t say anything to him, just slip out of the gym and walk off quietly. Once you’re far away, you turn back and stare at the gym. It’s getting late, the sky bathed yellow as the sun prepares to set, and below it the gym building looks majestic, standing tall.

You can hear the sounds of the boys cleaning up, and a smile spreads across your face.

Maybe you could come here again.

—

i quite like how this turned out tbh, id make it longer if i wasnt so impatient to post aND IF I DIDNT ALREADY MAKE YOU WAIT A YEAR

i hope yall liked it

[birdsong-warriors]

AAAH THANKS SO MUCH FOR ALL THE KIND WORKS YOU GUYS (and I'm so glad to have therapist approval haha!) , I'll try and write down a few things, but I will say that going in to something like that is highly personal to whatever you need. And while at an amazing place, there were a lot of horror stories from other institutions there, so I think its individual to everyone. That being said, I'll try and share the most helpful things I picked up!!

(I'm gonna tag this as... let's go with "Bird's Psych Adventure" lol so if this isn't your thing, I won't be offended if you filter that tag!!)

First and foremost, look up the locations near you. I had two options. One place had one star on Google Maps, and I had heard many unpleasant things about it, so I took a risk and went with the very new but highly praised place and that ended up being a good choice. They do have rules about these places like controlled release of information and stuff (basically, you can choose I think just one person who they can update your situation to. Anybody you didn't sign an agreement for can't get any info from them about how you're doing!!)

I read this article before going in, and found it helpful on a practical side. ^^

1. SOCIALIZE. I'm not kidding this is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. The place I went to would let you hide, especially the first day, but they got a point; festering in your negative emotions will only make things worse. Start small, because it will be hard, but everybody else is in the same boat and there will always be those who have been there longer than you and can tell you the basics and what to do. And it keeps you out of your bad feelings and very distracted. They're gonna take away your phone, so you gotta find other ways to stay entertained haha. Even if its just doing crossword puzzles in crappy crayon in the common room. But whenever you can stay in said common room instead of your room, do it!! It helps you feel less trapped too.

2. Get outside, if you can. We had limited outdoor time, but they let us have sports stuff and I got to play Frisbee with a VERY PATIENT older gentleman who helped me learn to actually throw and not hit someone in the head. XD On a related note, they usually have showers and stuff you can basically use anytime, take advantage of that and take care of yourself. It's kind of the only way you can spoil yourself there, and it feels good to put time into feeling better about yourself. ;u; That being said, they got CRAAAP DEODERANT AND THAT GETS SUPER ANNOYING SO SHOWERS ARE GREAT.

3. Breathing exercises are super crucial to keep calm, and it's easy to get homesick and upset about the situation. But the good thing is it does make you appreciate what you have when you go back in a way you will never reach without the experience. Take the time to self-evaluate and plan for simple stuff you'll do when you go back. I focused on thinking about renovating my room to make it a safer place for myself and sorting through my stuff. And don't plan for other people, plan for you, you're all you can control and while its EXTREMELY HARD to let go of your limited control of others, focus on you and what you need for you. <33 Reach out to those you love, but as someone told me there, have no expectations of what they say, and if they dont say something that's helpful or worse, say something uncalled for, ignore them. Those that matter won't mind, and those who mind won't matter. <3

4. They'll put you on meds to help, and you gotta tell them whether they're helping or not. If its making it worse, they want to know so they can help!! And eventually you should find meds that WILL help!

5. I know it doesn't help for everyone, but it helps me to think "five years from now, this hard moment won't matter and I'll be strong enough to move past it". Try not to say "I'm trying..." but "I CAN BE" or even better "I AM" AND GIVE YOURSELF POSITIVE TRAITS. If you deem yourself negative, you'll be negative, you can be better than that, you can be whoever you want and YOU ARE AWESOME AND WORTH IT DANG IT I WILL PERSONALLY FITE U AND TELL U SO DANG IT. <3333

6. The most important lesson I learned was "where did I get these doubts? Could I have learned wrong?" That's not how it was phrased exactly, but basically that you don't deserve these awful doubts and can KICK THEIR BUTT.

7. They should give you a journal, use it to put your feelings out there in a protected way and process them. My biggest stressor was a couple family members are big time triggers of mine and it helped me to write a letter to them that I never gave them because I was able to say "I don't care, I'm gonna work on my own life" but its still a big struggle.

TLDR; these people want to help you, but only you can help yourself. They aren't trying to """fix""" you, they want you to be the best you that you can be. You can do it, believe in yourself and you can get through this!!! I pray you can overcome any struggles you have, I believe in you even if I don't personally know you YOU GUYS ARE ALL AMAZING AND ILU AND I HOPE THIS POST IS AT LEAST VAGUELY HELPFUL IM SORRY IF ITS NOT BCOSHFBCKSBF