#tldr this is what been up with me for the past 3(+ maybe) months and what might be future wise in personal space

[marleemutt]

TLDR: im a black trans artist who can use some help right now following the sudden passing of my only sister - her doberman is now the responsibility of my parents and we can use help for his food, supplements, toys etc.

Kofi (help me send Chewy orders to my parent's house)

Wishlist (literally send him things like toys, treats, etc.)

⬇️ more info ⬇️

hey guys

some of you might be aware of this already, but early October, my eldest sibling & only sister suddenly passed away due to a seizure, she had been dealing with epilepsy her whole life.

this has been incredibly difficult for me, and my family. her passing was incredibly sudden, she was only 30.

for the past month or so ive been struggling to find any motivation to draw, and barely able to work.

she was the incredibly devoted owner of a doberman named Remi(Ramsey). Me and my sister traveled 4 hours to pick him up three years ago. He's a goofball who tears up socks and needs constant supervision. My parents love him, but I can tell he is a lot of work for two people who have fulltime jobs and have lived long lives.

I'm going to try to help them take care of him as much as possible, I feel that it's the least we can do to honor my sister's memory, since she loved him so deeply.

My sister always wanted a doberman, for years she would watch videos about dobermans and talk about them to anyone who would listen.

Remi wasn't easy to raise - I shared a room with my sister when she got him in 2020, she still worked a 9-5, five days a week, so I was his nanny for most of his difficult childhood. I was his chew toy for the first year of his life about - but that only made him bond closer to me. If he wasn't following my sister, I was choice #2. Dobermans are "velcro dogs", they were bred to guard their owners, and because of this, they are fiercely loyal. I've been moved out of my parent's place for going on 3 years, and my sister had just moved with Remi out a few months prior to her passing.

A week before my sister's sudden passing, we had to board Remi at my dog daycare job while my family and I took a trip out of state. When dropping him off, although he was happy to see me again for the first time in months, the moment my sister turned her back to him he began to panic. He got through the boarding all right but my coworkers told me he would cry and wait by the door for me or her. When my sister picked him up, they said he jumped all 80+lbs into her arms.

Since my sister's passing, Remi has been directionless. He's with my family, people he trusts, but he's bored, confused, and heartbroken. My sister would often take him to the dog park, social events, on runs, etc. but my parent's can't do that in their age. If my apartment allowed large dogs, I would take him, but I can't, and I see him maybe twice a month if possible.

Ramsey's Christmas List

I made a christmas list for him of things that might help my parents better take care of him. We're trying different food brands out because he struggles with frequent stomach issues, and we can't seem to figure out what food my sister was feeding him. This list is by no means a necessity for him, but I tried to add things to help with his boredom and keep him stimulated when my parents can't give him all their attention.

i do want to state that my family is capable of providing him with the essentials to live, we arent irresponsible. i would just like to help my parents out since a 3 year old 80-90lb doberman is a lot of work to be suddenly placed on them soley. And I worry for his health and well-being sometimes - Remi has a tendency to eat/tear random objects when he's bored.

please consider donating whatever you can. Everything goes directly to him.

thank you for taking the time to read this, and possibly reblog if possible. ❤️

[femslashfeb]

HELLO ALL

TLDR

No reblogging from the blog this year - posting prompts tomorrow the 31st

For the past few years I've very much struggled with reblogging everyone's activity in the tag. So this year I will not be doing so.

(OR maybe I will? I just don't want to commit)

Even if I knew how to make a bot that reblogs - a lot of people still use the unique tag to tag outside challenges. So I've always had to hand submit. However it became too stressful for me and for the past few years I ended up avoiding it until later weeks or even months.

If you noticed I didn't finish reblogging last year so- I've just given up on that.

Honestly I've struggled a lot with depression for the last 7 years or so. It's been harder and harder to find my way back to tumblr. It doesn't help that my phone can barely handle the amount of apps it already has.

My main account @puff-pink hardly ever updates because of my big sad. And I don't know if I'll ever get back on the horse in the same way I did before.

Some of you know me as an artist, and tho I still churn out subpar art for my day-job I've struggled a lot to make art for myself during my depression. Partially because one year I overworked my hand - and still deal in continual wrist aches. Even the weeks I don't pick up a drawing tool.

I intended this challenge for myself and maybe the small fandoms I was in at the time. But it took off among writers and creators of all types across all fandoms.

One year I even tried to tally the most popular fandoms but there were honestly too many to keep track of- and I stopped after the first three pages of submissions.

I don't claim to have invented the concept of FemSlash February. Before I started the prompts I swear I had heard the phrase somewhere. Tho not sure where. Perhaps it had been amongst my friends on Skype. Back when I had online friends and Skype(I'm still not sold on Discord🤷‍♀️).

However that January I thought it would be fun to partake in a challenge of some kind. But scouring tumblr and the general internet. I could only find half hearted efforts on fanfiction sites from years past.

I'm so proud of all my Sapphic creators on here that have partaken every year. Even if I've never shown favoritism or awarded anyone. I do notice those that actually complete the challenge AND those that keep coming back each year(looking at you H20 writer(I don't remember your username but there's a mermaid writer that's a writing machine)). I truly am proud of you especially in my shriveled state of creativity. Thank you for your efforts. For your hype. And for your love of women of all kinds across all the universes.

Each year I'm surprised to find even more categories I never thought to include. From mood boards, to doll photography, to ofc the classic art and writing. May your pencils forever be in union with your sister mediums.

On that note. There is a strict NO AI GENERATED ART or writing this year.

Not that I could physically stop anyone who does use AI. But I do not want that sort of thing associated with this challenge. It's become scarily good in 2023 to the point it can't always be identified. So I simply ask for the honor system when it comes to AI generated creations.

That being said. If you've made it to the end of this post:

Prompts will be posted tomorrow.

I usually prefer to give yall more of a buffer, but I've been busy. Both with Big Sad, rescuing some feral cats, my own life, errands, chores and work.

If you're still here- here is a preview of the first three days.

FEB 1 - black

FEB 2 - spring

FEB 3 - cake

The 14th as usual will be some sort of Valentine romance type theme(haven't decided specifically yet) and as always there will be a Rest Day.

Expect some repeat prompts. In the past I tried to avoid them but idc anymore.

It's also a Leap Year this year so expect one extra prompt to throw off the symmetry of what's normally 28 days.

Thanks for coming back this year. And thank you to those that still check on this blog.

❤️🧡🤍💜🩷

Keep loving girls

-PuffPink

[reilliane]

This is my personal obligatory post and apology for my poofing disappearance- if you're not up to read things like these, then feel free to scroll past! Have a good day/night!

—

the poofing, the poofed, and the un-poofing.

TLDR; Bad stuff happened for the entire past year, stopped college just a few months ago to learn the materials myself and market myself in the graphic design industry soon, and got a whole dose of religious epiphany that threw my life around. Wrote in a different account a few months ago to ease and destress without much expectation. Will continue to write albeit there won’t be many updates, had/have to drop original writing plans [right now focusing on a short story for Wanderer, though it doesn’t mean I won’t be able to write for others when I get the time]. May unfortunately discontinue ongoing AUs but will provide a summary for them [I think it’s only Tyranny-?] Will also open writing/art commissions soon, maybe set up a kofi account, but I won’t be ‘gatekeeping’ any content I plan to post. I’m thinking, if ever, it’d only be standalone specials or maybe nsfw [gosh I’m really saying that?] in kofi, buuut that’s just a maybe. Everything else is free to read of course <3 

A really detailed and long [I MEAN IT, MAYBE 1.3-.5K?? WC] exposition under the cut, but of course, it’s optional to read!

PS. I opened my drafts and had one or two finished works there, I will publish those soon. Get ready. Because they’re angst AHAAAAAAAAAA-

PPS. I won’t be able to respond to everyone’s sweet shucking messages in my inbox forgive me But know that I’M REALLY SO TOUCHED YALL I really didn’t think anyone would look for me that much 😭 Someone said I vanished like the avatar and it’s sending me crumpling to the floor.

ALRIGHT STORYTIME LET’S GO—first of all, I haven’t been on Tumblr for so long, nor have I interacted with anyone and coming back,, the web interface bamboozled me.

Anyway- the past year was roooough, like settling in and getting into college.

From the start, my brother and I have known of our depleting resources but couldn’t stop because of our mother’s insistence and my father’s very.. volatile attitude. Double the latter since he has cancer and has been nothing short of cranky and infuriated for the past years—knowing that the money is facing a downward slope because of his expensive medicines and learning that we’ll stop because of it would’ve,, been terribly bad and that's understating the nature of my headstrong, independent, and prideful father.

There were times when he was very somber about his state, but then mad—it was just a really bad time, but my brother and I finally convinced our mom that we had to stop for real a few months ago because money was just tight. Until now we’re hiding the fact from our dad that we stopped under the pretense that we’re only taking one course for the semester :v

We were very lost and torn.

I knew I had to go out and look for a job, but my brother would be doing the same, too—the thing was that we knew our mom couldn’t handle our dad being sick alone, so my brother opted to be the one to find work outside.

I’m learning materials and courses on my own at home, but finding a remote job without a degree is no doubt near unimaginable with how remote setups are almost nonexistent now. The time was just bleak at home, too, my father would ask for bad things to eat that would worsen his health and then blame it all on my mother when he felt body pains and repercussions—it was just BAD, that wasn't all of it, but I digress. Cancer sucks. 

Just a few days ago, I lost my uncle to the same thing, and now there’s an overall family dispute over who gets what and it feels like I’m living a kdrama fever dream [pls get me out hfasjdkfhdsaf]. I don’t recommend it if it’s not romance lmao.

Things were getting so out of hand and I also couldn’t get back into writing or socializing with everyone in my writing socials—but I still wanted to write without the expectation of being able to deliver as I used to. It was a de-stresser for me, so I opened a new account in ao3/quotev and wrote in.. November or December, I think. It was nice, I got to just type away and post and leave it at that.

I think one of the reasons why I didn’t go to Tumblr for that was because I knew I wouldn’t be able to commit to updates, and I love you guys, I didn’t want to say something and promise it’d be given but then nothing. I’ve done it back then and I just, don’t want to do that :(

Despite how heavy and dark the past year was, however, something really unexpected happened—okay here it goes.

As a child, I’ve been taught about Christian doctrine and was brought up to believe in the existence of a God. I didn’t have my heart in it though, of course not, how was I to believe something that I only knew because someone said it to me?? I did attend church out of duty and had a shallow fear of the greater being, but as an authentic believing person? Naw. 

Not until June at least.

I don’t know how to explain it rather I, out of the want to give my mother the chance to go somewhere she wanted to for Sunday, decided to join her for church. I was ready to just daze off and think about some solution to our problems, but then the sermon spoke to me—you know, that feeling when someone is passive-aggressively referring to you in a complaint or something?

It felt like that, only it felt like that message was something I was meant to hear, and boy I couldn’t believe it—neither did my mother [lol]. She told me how shocked she was when I listened throughout the what, an hour and a half of preaching that I usually just dismiss. 

It’s cliche, but my life really changed after that one simple Sunday.

All my tweeeeenty years of living, I’ve asked if God really is real and whatnot and I never got answered until July of 2023. What really cemented my belief in knowing that he is real, is when I decided to genuinely pray—then for seven consecutive days, the Bible would lead me to a page [like just randomly opening a part of the book after prayer] that answered my questions and/or convicted me of something. I'd wake up every day and an event would happen that would answer my confusion and I'd sit in the night thinking 'no way that just happened', but it did. Boy, when I tell you I thought I was going crazy.

Not to mention opportunities such as baptism and ministry suddenly popped my way when I only had the idea in my head and I kept it to myself. At first, I thought it was just a coincidence, but when it ‘popped up’ more than thrice in a single week, I knew it wasn’t. Think of it as like, the thing in fanfiction when it seemed like the universe was saying something to you. Yeah, I felt that for myself. Mindblowing.

I could go on and on about the other life-changing things that occurred, but this would be so long LOL.

But I never regret coming to faith and accepting Jesus for real that day, and although life is still dark for me these days, the burden feels light. It’s an amazing feeling. He's really changed everything.

I’m not going to force anyone these beliefs—I knew how it felt to be on the receiving end and it could get very annoying, rather I just spoke on it to say how wonderful it was to know him, and it would be nice to let others know about my side in case they'd also take the faith. Who knows?

Also, I think I understand what those people were saying now. Again, I won’t force anyone—just reminding and asking you to try if you want, because it’s amazing. Bombard me in my inbox if you’re interested, but no pushing here, because I’m a firm believer that things shouldn’t be forced if it’s not the right time yet. 

Anyway, that was my source of strength and hope to go through these days—and I believe it’s also the driving force that led me to write this out in.. in Tumblr of all places lol. If someone told me this would happen two years ago I'd laugh in their face 💀

Rather than just getting back into writing and opening my social circle again, there’s that bit in me that wants to say that religious epiphany. That said, I know how diverse everyone is in their beliefs so I’ll say it very tersely that, no, I will not be parading and pushing people to believe this and that—this space is, after all, my space for writing :)

Ah, and nor will I ramble about it like shuck lol, but I will, in private, when prompted. 

With that out of the way, back into writing—I was floored when I first opened Tumblr and saw all the notifications and messages about my disappearance and I could’ve cried, really. It touches me poor heart :sob: and I wanted to thank all of you for such caring messages—I wouldn’t be able to reply to all of them [there were many!

Like maybe more than fifteen or twenty, not even counting the direct messages] but know that I’m very- very grateful for every one of you.

I could crawl out of your screen and hug yall but I won’t because I can’t and it’d throw people off KJHFSADKJFHALJSKDFHA

Life is, again, still hard—and navigating it is still difficult, but I’m managing these days. I can no longer return to my usual days of sporadic updates and teasers lol, but I’m happy to say I will still be writing, though it won’t be my entire focus nowadays. When I open writing commissions for genshin and art commissions, it’d get me going, of course. 

I have to let go of most of my beloved works because I realized that sticking to them would take up most of my time when I need to be out there upskilling and taking initiative to start earning money to support the bills. I still wanted to write though, and in my downtime I even got to watching One Piece and writing a currently on-hold fanfiction for that in Ao3, but fuuully realized that, no, I’m no longer cut out for really long written stuff unless I commit to writing a long piece that would take weeks for it to be published. 

In the end I settled for a single character [wanderer bb] short story that I get into writing without much hassle, and make myself happy, still :) I have ideas for other characters, too, but getting them out to be posted would take longer than usual.

My other AUs, as well, since my focus is just.. God, life, expenses, work, then hobbies. I don’t guarantee finishing them [I think Tyranny? And others, like Smite/Mercy/etc.], but I have in mind to write a summary because I meant it back then when I said the plot was really finished. Sighgisghsighs

Opening art commissions, I’d do that soon—writing, too.

Maybe a kofi account, as well—but I won’t be having any posts I want to be posted to be locked behind some tip or pay. I’m thinking of only adding specials there, specials like, standalone oneshots from an AU, or an nsfw piece. Oh golly, writing that is so beyond me, I think that’s the only reason why if anything is going to be in kofi, it’d probably be the nsfw. I plan to keep this writing blog sfw, still. 

But we’ll,,, we’ll see [dying]

So yeah! That’s.. Everything. For the writing thing, I think I’ll technically just be .. here, lol, with a focus on that story with wanderer. Gone are the 7k worded oneshots, now we’re just around 1.5k unless I commit to the creation. The story is so fluffy too [not angst? Surprising] 

But again, I will write for others eventually—can’t say when, or how, or who, but I will in time. 

I have so many plans in my head about my life, and I’m glad to say going back to Tumblr is a check off the list. I have an original novel in mind, but would you all be interested in such a thing? I don’t honestly know—other than opening commissions, I also plan on a Youtube Channel, but that’s uncertain. A Webtoon for my original plot too is a maybe, buuuut those are just what-ifs. Time will tell!

Those are just my two cents and I don’t regret sharing that—you guys have been with me for so long, even if I don’t really know you all beyond that screen, you all really became a part of my life, too :”)) 

If you reached the end of this post, wow, I’m touched. I hope you all have a good day–oh wait, what do I say? Ah yes.

I wish you all a good mornight [fhkadjsfhiajhgf].

God bless yall sweet people. 

[sandsorghum]

pondering all the potential, wonderful challenges of writing Higuruma in a relationship, because there's so much nuance with each possibility of what one imagines his past experience (or lack thereof) to be.

First and foremost I headcannon Higuruma as someone who hasn't had a lot of time and space to invest in Love, not properly - or not on a level that rivals his passion for the Law, or his ideals of improving the world.

And there's a lot of ways to go about presenting that; I think he could have had any number of situationships or romances but not a serious relationship, a full commitment that he hasn't been willing to let fizzle out at the mercy of hectic arraignment schedules, sparks barely kept guttering with office trysts and motel rendezvous.

I like toying with the idea of a Higuruma who approaches sex as a (biological) hassle on some level, but also isn't that cerebral about it; he can be a beast when he wants to be <3

I could characterise Higuruma as someone who's had a lot of (sexual) encounters, but finds actual intimacy unfamiliar territory. Someone for whom it's simple enough to find a person to sleep with, but might be slightly flummoxed that person is still by his side, tolerating his snoring six months or a year later. maybe he'd even be downright befuddled at how it could get to a couple of years of mornings of sprawled limbs and entwined legs and offensively chilly soles despite the cuddles and blanket forts. (Lemme have my soft spot!)

Although speaking of cold feet, I don't think Hiromi really gets any - even if he were to find himself head over heels someday. Similar to how swiftly he adapted to the realities of jujutsu, I think there's something unshakeable about his emotional interiority, however new and overwhelming these intense feelings get. Though it'd be very fun to write a smitten Higuruma (I think he could be so unabashed and shameless about his desires, especially post "went off the rails in my 30s" Hiromi who's decided he's pretty done with decorum and excessive regard for others' opinions - tldr this is a man who will convince you to let him eat you out on a balcony if the whim catches him, and if your whines reach the neighbours' ears? Whatever he's just gonna quote Paragraph iiv Subsection C of the tenants' agreement at them. Maybe he'd even mock their polite sensibilities and taunt them by printing out a template complaint letter to the landlord for their convenience, knowing they'd be too embarrassed to actually bring it up.

"Mr Takeda, this thinness of the walls that you speak of, must be as imaginary as my patience.")

Higuruma isn't one to deny or bullshit himself about what he wants, whether that's a more just world or a woman he's certain is his equal, perfect partner. He has such astute assessments of the world, and how to shape it, he doesn't see why applying that same effort and logic wouldn't guarantee him similar results in a relationship.

That's one of the most attractive (and annoying) qualities to me in writing him, he's didactic and dynamic and direct, so to come up with scenarios that challenge those traits, or where those traits might be a hindrance or have unintended outcomes in communication objectives, requires a lot of writing layered conversations.

With Nanami, it's easy to misinterpret the unsaid - with Higuruma it's vice versa. He could be both so verbose and incisive, getting to the rational conclusion before you do, or before the emotional reality sets in perhaps. (I also think there is quite limited space in his world view for emotional realities taking precedence over objective facts.Growth for him in a relationship, with a partner for whom such things matter more at least, would be to accommodate this alternative view.)

I might also enjoy expanding the psychology of Higuruma's darker streaks; Obsession as the flip side to Devotion. One has to be a little "crazy" to be a criminal attorney in Japan, to go against the odds of 99%. His is a conviction that warps worlds, bends it to his will with eloquence and insight. He could flay someone apart and wrap the shreds of their self around his finger...(yall lucky im too lazy/busy rn to properly give a YandereHiromi a run)

On the opposite end, I haven't contended completely with what vulnerability looks like for Hiromi -- that'd depend a lot on how closely the canon influences the setting of one's story, or the points where it'd depart. How drastically different might Pre and post Culling Games Hiromi be?

Well...I think Post-CG Hiromi would have quite a lot of remorse over the innocents he killed, that's probably something he'd have to work through with his love. There'd be bouts of doubt as to whether he deserves something so good, lapses of cynicism like what led to that initial meltdown. I'm considering in particular how he couldn't bear to be around Yuji after their fight, that opening seam of self-loathing could lead to some interesting character developments.

All of this would be compounded by how he doesn't have the best track record in getting people to stay, or not caring enough to persuade them to until real Love came along and smacked him upside both hemispheres of that gorgeous brain. As someone who doesn't extensively experience (progressively) stronger emotions, he would need some time to sort through all that. I wouldn't say he lacks that capacity, but he'd be adjusting to a realm of depths he had never figured he was capable of.

Hiromi's had a lifelong career convincing others and convinced of man's (necessarily sufferable) shortcomings - getting him to have different expectations, or even to ask what he expects of this discovery of love, could be difficult and foreign. Fortunately it's well documented that those aren't daunting factors for Hiromi, there's a version of him so determined to not screw up what he has because he has no clue how he got so lucky. Imagine that tenacious dedication he's applied to his ideals being poured into his love, he'd be one of the most loyal partners ever. And it's not zeal, it's not fanaticism, nor tempestuous passion (though there's definitely a variant of that you could write him with); A serious relationship with Hiromi has a foundation in crystal clear-eyed love, based on both the sensibility of compatibility but also the mysticism of chemistry.

He knows he's clever, has an infinite handkerchief of wry witticisms in his pockets but what Hiromi doesn't understand is how he makes you laugh so brightly, so easily at the remarks and observations he doesn't intend as jokes or barbs. He doesn't know either how the knowing smirk between the two of you slipped into something far more innocuous, him simply smiling at your upturned face, in a lull in the middle of a conversation. And you always know the right thing to say, but your silence is just as comforting.

It's both getting his sense of humour, and empathising with his frustrations. It's both innate, and it's effort - just like his intellect, or his skill with sorcery, the connection comes naturally but so what, he's still had to commit to fighting for everything he wants to accomplish and achieve. He puts in the work despite the sheer genius or talent. So similarly in a relationship, Hiromi isn't going to rest on his laurels or merely rely on what he feels. He won't take your affection (or attraction!) towards him for granted, likewise he'll constantly try to earn and keep your trust, and probably expects a similar commitment from his partner to talk through tension or hash any arguments out. (Stonewalling wouldn't work on him, it only guarantees further frustration and distance.)

That of course is an idealised, almost fully realised version of Hiromi.

I'd also like to write stuff where I examine what his flaws or oversights in a relationship would be in, I suspect they'd stem from a rigidity of certain perspectives - in the same vein of how there's usually some duality or double-edge sword aspect to our base qualities, or most inviolable ideals. (For example how does Hiromi temper justice with mercy, can he afford himself that kindness?)

It's so easy to love Hiromi, like it is with Nanami, for his beliefs. But being a good person isn't the same as being a good partner. Those with strong principles have an obstinacy about their ethics that can translate to their diagnosis of what the source of conflict and "solutions" are in relationships. And attempting to conceive a cogent argument against an attorney? His lover's got their labour cut out!

I'm addicted to analyzing these complexities of Higuruma's character, to cross-examining how his traits and tendencies would work or work against him in a relationship. How he would bring his passion, his processing, his oscillations between optimism and realism into Love. I really want to do justice (hah) to him, and it's such a struggle parsing all these things sometimes I just wanna give up and write "stress-relief" one night stand filth for him ):

[the odds im working on something like that alr is 101%]

god i've spent too many hours just thinking about this man! there's just so much to unpack with him and yknow he's also packin'

[the-s1lly-corner]

I want to request like. A cuddling session with Slenderman, who is having a bad day and we comfort him

(つ≧▽≦)つ

I'm addicted to the idea of him pretending to be okay with people calling him monster, but deep down he has this longing for it to stop, since he wanted to get along with the proxies and others he deemed second family.

So he like, rant about his day while reader comfort him.

Maybe get him a little fluster aswell （〜^∇^ )〜

(Take your time and have a good day/night)

All Entwined in One Web

obligatory im stuck in the 2015 era of the creepypasta fandom and ive been mulling over this sort of approach in my head for the past month because i revisited an old slenderman x oc fanfic that had a death grip on me and shaped the way i will interact with + and consume creepypasta stuff for the sake of saving grace and not revealing HOW cringe i was im not going to drop the fanfic name (unless yall dm me because!! i still wanna support the author even if it seems theyre inactive now!) i blame this author for making me a demon sympathizer/j/lh written kinda different than my basic bullet list of hcs! got silly with this one, sorry if its jarring compared to my usual stuff </3 this post is mostly just my hc on like. slender (and by extension all demon characters) being neutral and a simple part of nature that stems from zalgo (yay im finally dropping zalgo lore for my au since he functions differently in my au/hc!!) so take this with a HUGE grain of salt since i feel this deters from the main take people use (that ive seen, at least) this one ended up being more.. sad than i first intended and imma be honest i kinda got into my feelings when i was writing this anywaus i hope this isnt too cringe since i dont talk much about my HUGEhcs/au stuff/rewritten stuff so!! plus i dont usually write BIG detailed stuff like this sobsob tldr; slenderman isnt good or evil hes just a neutral piece of nature in the world and hes trying to cope with it. the demon gods really fucked up by making him sentient and able to process human like emotions

death is a force of nature and people curse it for simply being a part of life; people curse wild animals for being, and people will curse the weather

in this universe, or timeline, demons exist in a similar manner. slenderman exists simply because hes a part of that huge web of nature. of course, that includes every single ugly instinct that humans hate so so much. and he can understand why, even if its his nature.

the one responsible for that web, is zalgo. the beginning and end of everything. neither alive nor dead, all demons stem from zalgo in one way or another.

a solitary creature that prefers to stay alone in the comfort of its home, it doesnt tend to reach out to harm others unless theres harm. only really attacking people that threaten to expose it or get too close...

except, you... you were the one exception. regardless of how you managed to worm yourself into his heart, and become his lifelong companion, hes grateful for your presence when things begin to build up.

he knows that in the eyes of others, he ugly and vile, but he knows that ultimately thats what protects him. he insists that its better this way, sticking to the forest away from the prying eyes.

SURE, he could follow in his brothers footsteps and make a false human body and try to blend in with the people. but is that really efficient? is that really something he wants? hes a powerful being but that would eventually take its toll on him..

ultimately he resigns himself into your arms; once oozing powerful and command, now crumpled and curled.

he never had a childhood, when zalgo created him, he simply.

was

no adolescence, no developing, no growing. he was always what he was meant to be, but he likes to think that when youre holding him, that this is what it feels like to be so small and vulnerable.

humans had it so easy, hed think. theyre born and they die and the process repeats itself for everyone. they dont have to be feared or hated, or kill to survive.

yes, to him, being mortal was far more preferable to being condemned to being a lonely hermit who corrupts and breaks everything it touches.

even with your comfort, theres only so much that you can do; youll eventually pass on as well and hell be stuck in his cycle once more

but for now, as you hum softly and whisper nothings to him as you let him crumble; hell let himself weep just this once.

because as much as he envies your life, and what humans have, he cant deny that he cant bring himself to truly hate them, because like him, theyre simply a piece of natures web.

[sideblogforquery-argh]

People are not using pronouns, using wrong words, but I don’t remind anyone verbally. TW: Su1cide, s3lf h4rm, anorex1a mentions.

TLDR at bottom, I appreciate if anyone reads this or has any advice. Other key points in bold.

I’m sorry this is so long, and I promise this is about nonbinary stuff, but there are Complications, if you will:

1. Autistic doormat. (Professionally diagnosed)

2. Anxious and hates confrontation of any kind.

3. Chronic pain that stops me from going places and doing things.

4. Long history of depression, anxiety, s3lf h4rm, su1cide attempts.

5. Speak in a high pitched voice (not natural, forced again by anxiety of being viewed as competent and mature and not having my limitations taken seriously)

6. Have feminine mannerisms.

7. Have a very slight build and feminine features.

8. I have not had IRL friends for ten years, or online friends for about six.

9. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

10. Underweight, low key restrictive eating disorder (I will gladly maintain current weight, but comment on my body, eating habits or try to feed me more and the anorex1a says Hello. Also maintaining low weight to avoid “filling out” as much as possible in breast area.)

I’m 25 and nonbinary. I’ve known I was nonbinary since 2014/2015. I had come out verbally to my mom many years ago, maybe around 2017. Came out to brother via a written sign on my door and then a short verbal confirmation in late spring last year. At my high school graduation last year (age 24) I had my write up read aloud by the principal include “I look forward to being my authentic enby self” and I wore a pronoun pin and necklace. My grandparents were also at the ceremony. I reactivated my Facebook account and posted an artistic image and write up explaining my pronouns, name, etc. I have a variety of pride and pronoun items, pins on my backpack, a They/Them pronoun necklace, a keychain. I usually have some sort of sign declaring my pronouns and sometimes my name on my door. I even attended my local Pride parade and festival last August with my mom. Also since coming out I have explored neopronouns and I like to use Ae/Aer for myself.

Now, as mentioned at the very top, I am a doormat. I hate being bother, I have had huge mental and physical health challenges. I always want to help, to do things, I’ve been trapped at home with no pain free or easy way to go into town. I’ve been alone for a very long time, not attending school, and then trying to do it by myself online. I am also AFAB and I generally don’t present in a “gender non-conforming” matter. (Put in quotes because I am not a girl) Just the other night, there was a talking head on the news who’s name was Tiana* and my mom gleefully exclaimed “her name is Tiana*, she has the same name as you! You almost never hear anyone with the name Tiana*!”

ANYWAYS, to the point, I can never manage to bring myself to verbally remind anyone to use my pronouns. I can’t discuss my dysphoria with anyone, including my counsellor, which has really increased in the last few months. My counsellor had to be told what gender dysphoria is, and he’s trying but I don’t feel comfortable talking to him about it. My PMDD is also not only making my mental health in general really mad, but increasing my gender dysphoria. I have tried birth control for this, and it resulted in a suicide attempt.

I came out a year ago now to the wider family network / world, but it feels like everyone has completely ignored that fact. I came out of the closet, but a new, iron maiden style one has been built around me by anyone and everyone who perceives “me.”

I put “me” is quotation marks because it’s not actually me that anyone is seeing or talking to, it’s the mirage of a past person. I just feel so weak and pathetic, I don’t speak up for myself, I just let it happen. I don’t exist, not according to how I am referred to my people the vast majority of the time. They/them does get used at home frequently, but more often it’s my birth name. I’ve gone through waves of uncomfortable indifference to just feeling really shitty, having an abuse of use of that name, where now I am starting to not feel neutral but dislike it. It’s always, “Tiana* this”, and “it’s in Tiana’s* room,” “I think Tiana* has it, don’t you?”

I just feel hopeless. I don’t see myself ever being able to exist as actually myself. If I can’t remind my family in my safe home to use my pronouns; or that I want to use a different name, OR that (body pain permitting) I’d probably like to have my breasts and nipples removed; how am I supposed to reminded anyone else? The massage therapist, the doctor, the other pain specialist, the orthopaedic surgeon, the counsellor, the psychiatrist, the osteopath, anyone and everyone who I’ve ever met before who just, “she/her’s” and “Tiana*’s” me.

*Tiana is not actually my name, it is used for example purposes only.

TLDR: I have a variety of visual objects and signs that describe my pronouns and nonbinary-ness, but I have almost never reminded anyone verbally to use my pronouns and that I am not a girl. The most I can do is squeak out “they” quietly. How can I actually be brave and speak up for myself for once?

[disableism]

TLDR at the bottom:

Thursday at PT I started feeling kinda nauseous & lightheaded. I texted my sister to come get me. By the time she showed up 15 minutes later, I was dead white and so cold that I was extremely shaking which was causing joint contractures. With arthritis, no cartilage & locked joints, this was very painful. It was weird, because I didn’t feel cold to the touch. No fever either.

We called 911. By the time the ambulance arrived I was crying out in pain. They took me away but because my vitals were all fine —except for a slightly elevated blood pressure, which I don’t know how that’s possible— they refused to treat me & said they had to leave me for the doctors. I begged for blankets & got one flimsy one. In the ER they wouldn’t treat me until the doctor saw me, even though I was begging for heated blankets. Eventually I got one flimsy one there too. I also was crying for them to go out in the waiting room and get my sister. I was told that when she arrived she’d be let back. I kept having to explain she’d been right behind the ambulance. They left her in the waiting room for an hour. Meanwhile I’m in the exam room alone, unable to do more than roll over without assistance because said sister is my caregiver. I’m also in horrible pain, shaking so bad everything is contracting. I couldn’t answer their questions except one word pushed out with every breath because of the shaking. I kept telling them my sister could answer everything and that she had my med card. I had to do the whole check in process one…word…at…a…time. Finally I saw a doctor who said “sure” to my request for a stack of heated blankets & a flush of IV fluids. Then Sis was allowed back & I got a room nurse assigned to me who was a godsend. The blankets stopped me shaking enough that I slept and when I woke up 3 hours later, I felt exhausted & a lil shaky, but no longer cold, even a bit sweaty. And my face color had come back. My labs & urine came back fine. So they sent me home.

The only thing anyone could think of was I had a weed gummy that day, an hour before my appointment. I have not had weed in 20 years but my doctor finally cleared me for it to have even though I also take Norco. This was my 4th gummy in the past week. The doctor said maybe it was a bad reaction. Why not with the first one? I know sometimes allergies can take a while to build up. With my Sulfa allergy I was on it a week before I had my very awful reaction of muscle seizures. So maybe that’s what this was? Except today I was outside & the temp was dropping, a storm in the air and I started to feel cold. And had a bit of a cold flush run through me. I thought it was outside air making me cold which caused a spike of anxiety because of the earlier experience. So I went inside but I kept feeling colder & started shaking, so I got under the covers, turned on the heating pad & turned off the fans. My color stayed fine and after 30 minutes of lowkey cold & shaking I was warm enough, I slept for an hour and woke up drained but fine. Even hot. (My sweet kitty had come to lay on the top of my head because he takes care of his Mommy Lady).

Was this last bout anxiety? I don’t know. I just wanna sob & sob because I can’t handle yet another thing being wrong with me, especially one that comes on so sudden and requires me to drop what I’m doing immediately and get under ALL the blankets. Also my family is here from Canada & I only get so much face to face time with them each year, I do not wanna miss a single second with my niblings.

Anyway, anyone ever have something like this happen? Other issues I have that might be relevant is medication allergies which is why I thought “reaction to gummy”, rheumatoid arthritis, autoimmune liver disorder, kidney stones, fibromyalgia and I had the Inspire implant surgically put in a month ago but I have healed fine & it has not been activated yet. Thoughts?

Tl;dr: I went cold & dead white all over causing me to shake so hard I had joint contractures. Lasted about 2 hours & only went away with many heated blankets. Vitals stayed fine, labs/urine were fine, no fever, was not cold to the touch, doctor was not sure what happened. Anybody have something similar?

[cgogs]

So what are the coparent eras? For posterity 🤔

Long post and extreme oversimplification but here is a tldr of every era 💯

Briar age 0-8 : same as the briar au , dream raises his son in secrecy. The timeline diverges at age 8 when sam catches up to dream after searching endlessly for nearly 8 years. he was a pariah in the server basically due to his many failures and he just didnt know what to do with himself other than rectify his mistake. plus, yk, dream is a danger to society and its his purpose to keep people safe from him. Thus, almost 8 years of total isolation and endless searching. He finds them on a normal sunny day while briar and dream do laundry and weed the garden. sam stakes out the house for a few days, maybe a week, before following briar to the creek he plays in and kidnapping him. He pins his green cloak to a tree and waits for dream to take the bait. and he does

Briar ages 8-14 : Basement era. Sam and Dream fall back into their routines in a new place while Briar is left to try and cope with his surroundings. He is the only reason Dream is let out of the basement at all and tries to help him every way he can. He gets close to sam and sam is effectively his father, and briar grows attached to him as such despite everything. When briar is 14 he kills sam and dream helps him run away from home, sincerely thinking he would never see his son again. Briar goes back home, their original home, and tries to think of a plan. Dream experiences the worst months of his entire life while briar gears up to come back. When he does, they manage to escape together with Dream killing Sam with a shard of ceramic from a broken dinner plate after he knocks his son into a rock by accident. After a night to think about it, dream revives him the next morning at the crack of dawn and tells him to fuck off. (He is also wordlessly telling him: come find me)

Briar ages 15-16 : contract era. One year after sam is revived, he goes back to dreams house. Dream and Briar went back to their original home, so its not like it was hard. Sam is completely unmoored and doesn't know what to do with himself. Its the middle of winter and one week before briars 16th birthday. A bunch of complicated shit happens. Dream is inable to make him go away, they have a couple heart-to-hearts and try to meet in the middle of what they both want. Dream has been a wreck without the structure sam btought to his life and sam has been a wreck without him. So... they date. Well they dont call it dating (Dream: Sam is my... my.) but sam moves in and briar moves OUTTT. dream and sam write a contract clearly outlining what the rules of their relationship are. I.E. a three strike system that once all 3 are gone, sam can start taking food away or other punishments. This is when the fiasco with briar and Q happens. After briar comes back, dream pays for an apartment in town for briar to stay in. Dream tells Sam something game changing: I want to be normal.

Briar 16-17 : married era : sam is reeling under the realization that dream WANTS to be normal. They live normally. Dream gets a job, friends, all under close watch, but still. The tldr is, sam thinks about marrying him. A lot. A ton. With dream wanting to be normal comes absolution: dream is better, actively trying to be better, which means sam doesn't have to feel bad about loving him, and with punishments mostly a thing of the past, he doesnt have to feel bad about hurting who he loves. Eventually, he pops the question. Dream is terrified. He tells him he'll think about it, this is all so sudden, etc. He talks to briar about it and confides in him that hes... scared, of what that means. Their wedding vows would replace the contract , it would be something entirely different from everything hes known. Briar obviously tells him to say no, and he almost does! But... well. Sam tells him he's been too hard on him, in the past. And that he shouldn't have been. And well, this coupled with the apology for the torture, dream figures ... they really could be happy, if dream would just let himself. So he says yes. Briar is mad as hell and basically becomes a highwayman to cope with the anger. He might as well get paid for it. A lot of other stuff happens, mainly briar going to prison and his parents busting him out, but the result of a heart to heart between sam and briar is that sam... regrets. Hes sorry. He truly is. This conversation becomes the crack in his worldview that makes him lean fully into loving dream. Its really hard to explain, i might transcript this conversation.

This is when the endings come in. Ocean escape, where dream leaves for good. Awesamdad, where they have nettle. And other neutral endings me and kat have yet to talk about ^_^

[leeshistired]

last post for now bc i ought to be sleeping but i just wanted to get this thought out.

watching HIGNFY over the last few months has made me increasingly coconut-pilled. like, i don’t know how, maybe it’s bc im young but i never really thought about context before. and how much of our lives are dictated by it. we DO exist in the context in which we live and all that came before us. i grew up with laptops and smart phones and modern gaming consoles (is ps2 and gamecube/wii considered modern? i guess not nowadays lol), i never even thought abt where they came from or who made them. watching politics on the tv/youtube as a teenager i didn’t really understand it, i kind of just observed it happening but didn’t attach meaning to it. i would laugh at the politician eating a sandwich funny and call david cameron a banana and then go on to school and forget about it all. maybe i was just too young to understand. but watching this show all about the news and seeing world events unfolding in real time (they had an episode a week after 9/11 where angus makes a joke about it! you can physically hear the audience go 😬) has really helped me to understand what the world was like before i was born, and even afterwards leading up to the time i grew up in. it’s contextualized a lot of things i saw growing up (and im not even at 2010+ onwards yet!!!) i’ve always been fascinated by history, it was one of my fav subject in school and this show has been really valuable to me by teaching me things abt the past. tldr; HIGNFY my beloved <3

[slasherlaurie]

Hi everyone, your friend Laurie is back!! I don’t really know how to start this so I’m getting right into it but summary for babes who cbf (honestly same lol). If you’re the anon who kept popping into my inbox with kindness in the months I was gone PLEASE read the edit at the end.

TLDR: I’m back and I’m writing again! Things will be different but I’m figuring it out as I go. Hope you stick around <3

First of all, I’d like to apologize for my months of disappearances with no explanation. I know that was probably very frustrating for people who had requests or were waiting for more posts. Since the start of this year I’ve been horribly overwhelmed with irl stuff which I won’t get into for the sake of keeping heavy subjects out of this update, but I’ve finally been able to get some free time to get back to the things I love. Which moves me onto the next talking point.

I really have missed this blog and writing, but I think I need to go about it a different way. I put too much pressure on myself to fulfill requests without flaw and in a timely manner that I pushed myself into burnout, and so I’ve been thinking about how to do this the past couple of days. First of all, I’m deleting all requests in my inbox while I figure out what I wanna do. My inbox will still be open for a little while, but please don’t expect me to get around to it. I likely won’t do all of them, but I will make a post about it if I do stick with a request. I’m sorry to anyone who had a request or something in my drafts, I understand if this is upsetting.

I think from now on I’m mostly going to post when I’m inspired, maybe every once a month or so on average. The time pressure of someone waiting for me to churn something out really turned me away from writing so at least for a while I’m going to be completely unscheduled with my posting. Again, I’m very sorry to anyone who had a request in.

As well as this, I’d taken a BIG break from dead by daylight. Not only because of the irl stuff I mentioned making me too busy, but also because I kinda lost my love for the game and the characters. Thankfully, my feelings about it have been rekindled, and I’m really excited to return to the community.

Lastly, to my friends I’ve made through this blog. I’m so so sorry for disappearing and cutting people off, I know it doesn’t excuse it but I’ve been so socially overwhelmed the past couple of months that I’ve neglected to keep up with my online friends. I hope you can understand I wouldn’t have ghosted anyone without warning if I could’ve, but the circumstances made a lot of things extremely stressful at the time.

Sorry for this post being a bit serious, I’m not really sure how to cover everything without sounding like a bunch of excuses otherwise. Also I wrote this in my notes app at like 2am and copy pasted it here so I apologize for the messy format 😭 ily all and I’ve missed you!

edit: To the anon who kept leaving supportive messages in my inbox despite my absence, I appreciate you beyond words you are a REAL one <333 Whoever you are ilysm and I’m so sorry I didn’t see them earlier!!

[rantceratops]

Don't really know where else to put this so just gonna vent a little.

I've been a vegetarian for three years, but since breaking down and having some spiral ham this past December, I keep occasionally having meat, though perhaps still more often than I'd like. Spiral ham is pretty much a thing we have once, maybe twice a year, and it's one of the few meats I could honestly say gives me intense desire to eat it when I smell it cooking.

But tbh... I still feel like I don't want to eat meat. I could honestly take it or leave it. I think at this point I'm only eating it because I deeply missed the sheer convenience of it, as every fucking thing has meat in it and I exhausting sometimes. I genuinely don't crave meat, I was able to stop eating it pretty much cold turkey(no pun intended), and I'm just feeling really disappointed in myself for flushing my three years down the drain over one thing and just continuing to flush it down due to laziness/convenience.

It's not that I think meat tastes nasty, I just simply don't think I need it? It doesn't make me feel more ill nor healthier to not eat meat, I feel the same regardless of which diet I pursue. I see so many conflicting reports and rants about whether it's truly healthy for us to go with or without meat, but tbh I think it's just different for everyone, some of us can be fine as vegetarians and some of us can't, and that's alright.

But because I can perfectly go without it, I feel so so bad for slipping off after three years. I could understand if I had only been one three months and slipped up, but three years? (I keep telling myself "A little bit of meat every so often is still good." But tbh? It IS good, but I still don't think it's what I want.)

I stopped eating meat for, in order of importance: climate change, animal suffering and shitty factory farms, and for health in some much smaller capacity. (I have no intentions of ever being vegan, fyi, I think that's just going too far and frankly vegans themselves drove me away from it, as I almost came a hair of being full vegan at first. Nope.)

I don't know. I'm just rambling a little. Note that I don't think there's anything wrong with those that eat meat nor do I think it's my place to tell people what to eat, this post is purely in regards to myself and my feelings.

TLDR;

I've been a vegetarian for 3 years but since the ass-end of December I keep eating a little meat here and there purely out of convenience and I feel terrible about it. I think I want to go back to full vegetarian because I don't feel like there's any real benefit to me eating meat since I mostly don't crave it or feel like I'm missing any nutrients or anything from it.

(I guess I also have been frustrated with my vegetarian diet because I find it hard to find healthier, non-processed ways to feed myself, or quick everyday meals, etc. Basically despite having been vegetarian for years I still feel so lost on how to be better.)

[youkaigakkou-tl]

The Kyoto Arc Analysis Post (Part 1)

In other words, “OP has been consumed by wikipedia rabbit holes for the past 3 months”

Starting writing this in September, now it's November. Also this thing is nearly 7000 words.

TLDR: This is basically a crash course on ancient Kyoto, the mythology then, and stuff that details in this arc points to. Chinese philosophies and mythology are mentioned too, when relevant.

Spoilers for chapters 82 to 94.

I keep hitting image limit so this has been split into multiple posts

This part covers the urban planning of ancient Kyoto, what the four gods are, and some locations shown in ch 83.

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4

(If you want to read the whole thing in a google doc, here's the link)

Warning: I’m not a historian, just some rando on tumblr, I’ll probably get some details wrong. If you have anything to add or anything to correct, please do, also don’t get too mad at me.

Also, if this shows up in the searches for some of the other mangas I namedrop, I’m sorry!

If there’s a concept you’re interested to know more about, just google it. I’m bound to leave out stuff bc not everything is relevant (and there’s already plenty of irrelevant stuff in here sobs), people write whole books about this stuff, I’ll be here for 1000 years if I were to bring up all of it.

I Don’t Know How To Start This

I guess I’ll recommend some other manga that have to do with gods, Shinto, that stuff.

Well. Everyone knows what Noragami is. If you don’t, go read/watch it. If you do, go read/watch it again. It’s probably better than you remember it being. That’s the curse of monthly manga, it feels like there’s pacing problems when you read it once a month, but usually when you binge it you find it’s structured pretty well. Strangely I don’t find this with youkaigakkou, but maybe because I think about it 24/7.

Touge Oni, or “Primal Gods in Ancient Times”. This manga leans heavily into ancient Japan, Shinto creation myths, stuff like that. Tonally it’s kind of like Mushishi, in the way that powers beyond human comprehension just do crazy shit. Anyway, great manga, highly recommend.

Wow, The Actual Manga, Right

Just some trivia to start with. This is going to wander quite a bit, because there’s a lot about history and mythology, which means everything is connected to everything else. You know how it is.

Shinto shrines are called shrines, 神社 -jinja, meaning “place of the god(s)”

Buddhist temples are called temples, 寺 -dera or -ji.

The temple they’re staying at is called “Bonnou-ji”, or "worldly desires temple". As far as I can tell, this isn’t a real place, nor could I figure out what temple it’s based on just from the scenery we get to see. (We don’t even get a general location of what part of Kyoto it’s in.)

Heian-Kyo

You may have noticed South is oriented at the top on this page.

I have a guess, but I can’t be sure it’s right.

Why does it matter? First of all, we have to talk about the other thing Seimei mentions about Kyoto: It’s built in a grid.

(By the way, this is an insane thing to say. What does he mean?? Does he mean “ah yes city was built like this over 100 years ago so one day someone could use this specific spell involving a grid to subdue a giant booba monster”?)

Also, the word he uses for “grid” here is “碁盤目 (gobanme)”, which in the literal sense means “shaped like a Go board”, which is cute. I want to see them play Go.

Heian-kyo (the name for Kyoto back then), like Japan’s previous capital of Heijo-kyo (now Nara), was modelled after the Chinese capital of Chang’an (now Xi’an).

For the record, they probably didn’t call themselves “Heian-kyo” back in those times, and started calling themselves Kyoto around the 11th century. It’s kinda like how we call it “ancient Japan” but they didn’t call themselves that. To them it was just “now” and “the capital”. Why make a name for “the capital” when there’s just one capital that will be capital forever? Makes sense.

(Just for reference, the layout of the streets and where Heian-kyo would be compared to modern Kyoto.)

The emperor’s palace is in the northernmost part of the rectangular city, with the main street Suzaku-oji going down the center of the city to the southern gate.

The reason behind that is the idea that left (east) is more important than right (west), and that the emperor should sit with his back facing the north star (Polaris), so that the sun rises from the left (east) and sets on the right (west).

What Heian-kyo and Chang’an are both based off is the urban planning fengshui idea of “shijin-so-o”, which translates to “four gods topography”, which is the very same four gods we’re talking about this arc.

There are two very similar versions of this philosophy, the original one and the one derived from that.

The original version is based off the idea of “zofu-jusui” meaning storing wind and water. There is to be mountains in the North, hills in the East and West, and a body of water in the South, creating a sort of jug.

The expanded version is:

Seiryuu to the left, flowing water in the East Byakko to the right, thoroughfare in the West Suzaku to the front, lake in the South Genbu to the back, mountains in the North

Basically, a city is to be bounded by mountains in the North, a river in the East, a road in the West, a lake to the South. Also, again, left and right in this definition is based off the emperor’s perspective, which could explain the direction labelling on that page.

In any case, both of these definitions apply to Kyoto.

Also, Chinese maps traditionally were oriented with south at the top, I can't say for certain if Japanese maps did too, but it's likely!

However, if you look at maps today, you may find that there’s no major body of water south of Kyoto.

In the past, there used to be the Ogura-ike pond south of Kyoto, which symbolised Suzaku. (Despite being called a “pond”, it was more the size of a lake, 4km by 3km). In the 1930s, it was filled in because of land reclamation, to create more farmland.

In a sense, Kyoto had “lost Suzaku”.

Intermission

It’s also BECAUSE of this very philosophy that Kyoto nowadays gets abnormally hot in summer (above 35 degrees celsius for 15 days a year on average, compared to 5 days everywhere else).

Because it’s inland and blocked by mountains on all sides, on hot days, cool air can’t flow in from elsewhere so it just keeps getting hotter. Sounds like a stupid trade-off for stupid philosophy, but the practical reason behind the philosophy was probably that surrounded by mountains, Kyoto would be harder to invade.

Suzaku-oji

The main street, Suzaku-oji, also gets its name from the four gods. The main entrance to the palace, connected to Suzaku-oji is also called Suzakumon, or Suzaku Gate.

Speaking of Suzakumon, it shows up in the manga!

It’s where Byakko brings the gang when they go to the Seimei shrine. (Albeit a surreal version) The text on the plaque over the door is hard to read on this manga page, but it’s clear in this chapter promo art.

I believe it’s also where Shutendouji appears in ch 89. The text over the door is even harder to make out, but the building itself looks just like in that promo art.

Back to Suzaku-oji. Looking at modern Kyoto, you may notice that there's no major road down the center, instead there’s that major road to the right (in yellow). Zoom in! Enhance! What’s that road called!

Karasuma-dori street. Corresponding to Karasuma-koji of Heian-kyo, and has replaced Suzaku-oji in modern times as a main street of Kyoto. You know, like Karasuma Ranmaru. (launches myself out the nearest window)

So anyway, what gets me hung up about why south is at the top in that page, is that it just does not correspond to the map under it.

Left side is a miniature model of Heian-kyo, it’s basically a perfect match. And you can see Suzaku-oji right there on the miniature model, that big wide road, stretching from the palace gate towards the south, which would mean that south should be at the bottom of the page instead of north.

So why is it like that? idk

ALSO, IF YOU LOOK AT THIS PANEL FROM CH88, WHERE IS THE MAIN STREET???? This panel drives me insane. YOU KNOW WHAT THIS LOOKS LIKE? If you took that top half, the palace, and just pasted it at the bottom. And also the sides. DID THEY THINK NOBODY WOULD NOTICE? You know what they had a point. Canada “most sane yohaji enjoyer”, OP of this blog, who spent 2 months looking for sources on ancient Japanese and Chinese urban planning in 3 different languages, is an outlier and should not be counted.

What does this have to do with Kuji-kiri?

Honestly? I don’t know! There’s not a super obvious connection.

Kuji-kiri is the grid thing Douman does, “kuji” means nine words, “kiri” means cut. It’s a version of the kuji-in (nine hand seals), where the kuji-in is nine hand signs paired with nine words or phrases, the kuji-kiri is 5 horizontal and 4 vertical lines, drawn alternating, starting with a horizontal line.

It’s said to be derived from the principle of yin-yang in Taoism, which Onmyoudou as a whole comes from. (Onmyou and yin-yang use the same kanji)

Specifically, the 5 horizontal slashes are yang and offensive, the 4 vertical slashes are yin and defensive.

Worth mentioning, Onmyoudou also incorporates the philosophy of gogyo (five elements). Will elaborate on that later.

9 is a symbolic number in Taoism, said to be the perfect number in divination for yang, or the nine planets, or the seven stars of the big dipper plus two guardian stars, believed to be the gateway to heaven. There is the most tenuous of connections here, in that 9 was an important number in Chinese philosophy, where an ancient Chinese urban planning guide states “9 li x 9 li squares” (“li” is a unit of measurement) and “9 vertical and 9 horizontal streets in the city”

To that end, I assume the connection is simply that Kyoto is grid = Kuji-kiri is grid.

Four Gods

Four gods, auspicious beasts, symbols, guardians, whatever. The idea originated from China, and didn’t change all that much when they got to Japan. They don’t have this many names in Chinese, it’s just called “si xiang”. “Si” means four. “Xiang” doesn't have a great exact translation.

Not to be confused with any other mythical figures that come in fours that China/Buddhism/whatever seem to love so much, for all that “four” is an unlucky number.

Like a lot of other Chinese mythical things, while associated with Taoism, the four gods didn’t really originate from any religion. In that sense, I think they occupy the same cultural space as Japanese youkai, in that while sorta connected to religion, they’re not the focus.

They’re not gods of any religion, so what are they?

They’re constellations.

In Chinese astronomy, much like the western zodiac, the night sky is split into parts corresponding with the Earth’s position throughout the year. (Albeit, based off the moon rather than the sun.)

The night sky is split into 4 quadrants and 1 middle section, the middle around polaris symbolizing the emperor, and each quadrant is one of the four gods.

As said before, this is relevant because it’s part of the fengshui stuff behind the layout of Chang’an, which was inherited into the layout of Heian-kyo.

What does this have to do with Abe no Seimei?

Well. Onmyoudou is just divination, which is just astrology.

The four gods are very much tied to the Gogyo (five elements), which is half of the basis of Onmyoudou (the other half is yin-yang).

We know it's specifically the Taoist Gogyo and not the Buddhist Godai (another thing with 5 elements), because Seiryuu specifically says his domain is “wood” and “wood” is not present in the Godai.

If you’ve seen other media with Abe no Seimei, you may have heard of the 12 divine guardians (or divine whatevers, you get the idea). They’re shikigami employed by him, four of which are these four gods. I’m not entirely sure if it’s these four gods themselves, or if they just share namesakes.

(Also not to be confused with whatever other figures in Buddhism/whatever that come in twelves)

These 12 divine guardians also each correspond to a direction and the Chinese year zodiac.

The idea of the four gods is oddly extremely tied to Abe no Seimei, I assume because of the astronomy and astrology connection, so much that the gate to the Seimei shrine is the “shijinmon” or “four gods gate”, and also the pillars with the four gods carvings that show up in the manga as well.

Abe no Seimei tangent! According to legends, Abe no Seimei's mom was a white fox, Kuzunoha, often considered a youkai, but also sometimes said to be the envoy of a god or is a god herself.

In other words. What I’m trying to say is. I want to see fox Haruaki. (OP's worldly desires)

Also, look at this fun story about how Seimei died.

Tbh, I don’t know how much of this is common knowledge. I’ve seen a pretty big variety of people reading youkaigakkou, from people who are hearing about youkai for the first time to people who know absolutely everything about onmyoudou and onmyouji. I guess in this essay so far, the Abe no Seimei stuff is more towards the “everyone knows this” end of the spectrum and the Heian era urban planning is “who the fuck knows this”.

Youkaigakkou Geoguessr

That was a lot, so here’s me messing around on google maps for a little bit.

This panel was changed slightly in the volume release, but these are the Toji pagoda, the Fushimi Inari Shrine torii gates, and Kyoto Tower.

At the start of ch83, they’re at Nijo Castle.

When Haru hears Byakko’s voice and runs off, this is probably where this panel is. I can’t get an exact angle from google street view, but it probably looks like the panel if you’re on the sidewalk. The parking sign, tree, and road sign line up almost exactly, and the building looks roughly right. (Seimei shrine also marked on the map for reference)

Mans casually sprinted 1.5km. You go king.

Seimei shrine is pretty cool. Sensei got to go there for photo references. It never really occurred to me how weird featuring real places in a manga would be, as cool as it always is, all the paperwork you probably have to do. (They have a link to apply for that on the website) They have a wall with Ema (wooden plaques) written by actors, authors, filmmakers and mangaka that feature the shrine in their works. I wonder if Tanamai sensei got to write one.

This page was also changed in a pretty big way in the volume release.

I mentioned this in my TL note, but this is referencing the reports of taxi drivers ferrying ghosts, especially after major natural disasters.

Yasaka shrine, roughly 3km straight line distance from Seimei shrine, 5km on the road. I’ll take the manga at its word as the closest Ebisu shrine lol. That panel in the manga specifically would be the west gate, which lines up with the road they probably took (straight south and then east).

The main deity enshrined there is Susanoo-no-Mikoto, but there’s a bunch of shrines on the grounds dedicated to different gods, one of which is to Ebisu.

Specifically, it’s the “kitamuki-ebisu-sha”, or “north facing Ebisu shrine”. Because it… uh… (checks compass) faces north… I guess…? The interesting trivia about this is that Ebisu is written like “蛭子” instead of “恵比寿” (though it’s read as “ebisu” all the same)

蛭子 is more commonly read as “Hiruko”. (Anybody watch Summer Time Rendering here?)

Ebisu is thought to originate from the first child of Shinto creation myth big names Izanagi and Izanami, Hiruko, meaning “leech child” because he was born without bones, and was cast into the sea and floated ashore somewhere. In a popular version of the story, he washed ashore in Hokkaido, to be raised by an Ainu guy called Ebisu Saburou. (Or sometimes this guy is an Ainu deity? I cannot find a reliable primary source for this. This name comes up fairly frequently but I can’t pin it down.) I’ve also seen claims that “Saburou” is a generic name meaning “third child”, and since he is definitely the first child, that the “first two” are Izanagi and Izanami.

In any case, this would make him the older brother of Susanoo-no-Mikoto, who I’m not saying has any connection to any Mii-kuns we know of, but you know.

I got to the image limit, so the post gets split here.

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4

[transenbyconfessions]

this is my first time submitting something here, i've been reading them for a while though.

i am an afab nonbinary (?? maybe transmasc ??) teen. i bound for about a year, I used gc2b because at that point the quality info wasn't well known. but now, im pretty sure i've injured myself from binding. and i didn't do anything wrong too. that's honestly the most annoying thing out of all of this: i followed all the rules, i was careful, i listened to my body, and still, i got hurt. on-and-off I have had some pain for the past few months (i stopped binding in about december/january) for a while, i thought the pain only happened when i ran (which i don't like and also gives me panic attacks). so for the most part i avoided running and would stop when i could because of pain. anyways, the pain had mostly gone away until a few days ago. i am still pretty confused about why its randomly getting worse, but its definitely injured somehow. this all ends up mattering because of what happened yesterday. so i'm a climber, which at my school has just started to be recognized as a varsity sport. my "coach" got all mad at me yesterday for asking to not run because i was in pain already, and running makes it worse, also i wasn't mentally there and capable to run. i tried explaining and it just made it worse. when you tell him something he doesn't want to hear, he gets really mad and defensive. i normally wouldn't have too much of an issue with this except for this is one of my closest friends dads. and he was so different last year, when my friend was here. anyways, thats just relevant for the story in my brain. i am just so mad that this happened and that people aren't listening to me and believing what i'm saying because it isn't as visible of an injury (like with mental illness too).

TLDR, i know i need to go to the doctor about this, but i have a new doctor who I've never met and and i don't want the first conversation with her to be super vulnerable and shit because i have really bad anxiety. if anyone has any suggestions about how to explain binding injuries to medical professionals, that would be great. obviously there isn't much research about trans healthcare (especially because i'm in the USA). also, if anyone knows anything about other good binder companies that are sensory friendly, i would appreciate suggestions.

thanks for letting me talk about this <3

Submitted March 28, 2023

[nin-jay-go]

mmmmmmm i have only been thinking about ninjago for the past few weeks. you will be here for my brainrot

so ive got this rewrite i'm working on rn, which ive called alterline (portmanteau of alternate timeline) since like 2018. ive picked it back up and i'm officially working on the rewrite, but for it i added a few new seasons. specifically 3 brand new fanseasons.

the other two don't matter right now. all that matters is s17. my mad science season.

fun fact about me i am in love with mad science stuff and i figured hey! why not! i needed to do Something with my s17, so why not work some fucked up science into it :)

the tldr for those who don't wanna hear me ramble or don't wanna see what i will be rambling about (bc heavy tw for mad science themes like body horror, vivisection, and general medical malpractice) is below, but one bit of information before we proceed. nya is still the ocean. let her stay dead for longer than 2 episodes !

s17 is a kai focus! he and the ninja get invited to a lab by a scientist to run some tests (they are still powerless), but she traps them and runs experiments on them. there, they find out that 1) nya is alive now, 2) dr cy is working with aspheera, and 3) the new ninja are clones of the old ninja. kai ends up blowing the lab up and going on a minor destructive arc before calming down. the rest of the season focuses on the new ninja realizing they're clones and helping the old ninja take out mayor trustable.

so now that the summary is over. time to get into the details (or just what i have so far)

hi thanks for uncovering the hell. i'm gonna be rambling for a while.

again, this is a kai-focused season! we haven't had one since my s11 and he deserves to have a focus. as a treat :) (i realize this is just kai suffers the season. i realize that. but it's fiiiiine don't worry)

some prehistory for the season. dr cy calls up aspheera for her magical talents, and they summon nya together. they pull her from the ocean and violently rip her back into her body. of course, she can only be here if her powers are gone, so aspheera drains her water powers. nya has no memory of who she was or what she's doing here. she just knew she was the ocean. and now she's here.

a month later, the ninja are ninja-ing. it's been a year since the events of crystalized, two since nya died. that's the longest any of them stayed dead (sans morro who was dead for 40 years). kai really misses her, but has accepted the fact that she's gone. (she helped out in crystalized, but she wasn't really nya. she was the sea)

he runs into dr cy, who offers him and the ninja an opportunity to get tested. she could figure out the origin of elemental powers and help restore them to the ninja. they deserve their powers back, after saving the world so many times! she's a huge fan!

kai discusses it with the team, who agree that it's worth a shot at least. pixal stays behind since she's mostly unaffected by elemental nonsense, but also to keep an eye on the new ninja. she doesn't trust them. plus, if it ends up being bad, she can break them out.

the first tests kinda go normally, just general doctor checkups. she's just being a little bit weird about the nonhuman members of the team (aka everyone but kai), but a lot of people end up being weird about it. jay's publically part snake, zane's obviously a nindroid, lloyd is lloyd, cole used to be dead, and morro's got their own thing going on.

(oh. some background context. in my rewrite the ninjas' public identities are secret. the only ones with a face and name known to the public are lloyd and morro, to an extent, and jay for those who remember the alternate timeline)

when the ninja thank cy for her time and investigation, she uh. traps them in there JKDFSHKJSFDH because she needs to find out where elemental power comes from. and how she can bring it back for the ninja. to restore them to their full glory.

they're stuck in there for a while. a week, maybe? i haven't decided how long exactly, but a Long Time. pixal does try and rescue them but is taken out by aspheera with water powers, meaning pixal is the first person to find out about nya being alive. she doesn't take it well, so she and aspheera are kinda duking it out out there

meanwhile, the ninja are being put through tests to activate what's called their elements' emergency response, aka a hypercharged form designed for protecting the body and the element. kind of like nya's merged form with the ocean, but temporary. cy is trying to activate the emergency response through putting the guys through Situations that they don't like one bit. one of them included kai in a super frozen room and zane in a super boiling room, morro being pretty much buried, and other stuff like that.

sometimes she tries to stimulate them further by exposing them to their element, like frying jay or lloyd with electrical currents, or piling heavy boulders on cole. maybe that will trigger their emergency responses, but nothing seems to work. she even tries it out with nya to see if she can summon back her water powers, but nya's kind of being a sad sack of amnesia right now.

speaking of nya, she's just kinda. here? around the lab? she's mostly locked in her cell, but she treats aspheera and cy as important people, like parents. she trusts them. she's also kinda having a bad time physically, constantly melting and dripping water. she's not really a solid person right now :(

[tw for vivisection begins here] so eventually, cy tries to take it a step further and pulls out some Forbidden Things. she needs to make kai's fire act up more. he's 100% human still. how would his body react to parts of a fire dragon? so she tries it out, doing a quick lung transplant to see if, maybe, the lungs being close to the heart could kickstart a bit of fire. maybe even some dragon blood? all to see how kai reacts to it.

he reacts badly.

congratz on the dragon parts now, kai! the last human is no longer human, not fully. he refuses to acknowledge that he isn't fully human anymore, denying that he'll probably never breathe the same way humans do again. it's fine. he's fine. [end tw]

through this, however, cy decides to keep a closer eye on his developments. eventually, she lets him in on a secret. she leads him to the back of the lab, a room that no one is allowed to enter. she shows him what's inside.

it's cloning pods. she had already had their dna for who knows how long, and had used it to essentially clone them. make perfect ninja replicas. ones that had all their skills. only five managed to survive the process and come out the other end alive. cy reveals this was something she was hired by mayor trustable to do, and when the clones finished growing, he took them off her hands.

but she's always hated him for that. the original ninja would always be superior. the clones could not come close, ever. that's why she's so adamant about bringing their powers back. she wants them to wipe their clones out and prove they're superior.

kai thinks that's absolutely unhinged and manages to escape, running through the lab. he took a wrong turn and finds a cell, where nya is sitting. his sister is alive. he and nya talk, but it's obvious she doesn't know who he is, or who she even is. kai promises to get her out, but nya doesn't understand. he leaves and gets captured and sent back to his cell.

he goes to visit nya's cell sometimes, now that he knows where she is. he tries reminding her of her memories, to which she listens to best she can. she's a bit... spacey. but it's ok, they're bonding.

that is, until cy catches him visiting her and gets pissed. she threatens to hurt nya if he doesn't back off and go back to his cell, to which he snaps and activates his emergency response. his sister is in danger. he would not let his family be in danger.

he becomes a wildfire and destroys the lab. it gets burned down, its entire foundation gone. and for her cruelty, for what she did to him, his friends, his family, his sister, kai kills dr cy.

still in his emergency response, he can't do much other than rampage, a living wildfire. the others find nya and they all get out of there. pixal, meanwhile, is holding kai back and fighting him off. he's not kai right now, just a mess of fire and rage. it hurts to see him like this.

but nya sees him like that. memories flood back. the element of water rushes back to her (aspheera losing hold on the magic) and she turns back into the sea. she has her memories. she stares kai in the firey face and they calm each other down. their emergency states fade away, leaving two not-quite humans in their wake. kai realizes what he did in his state. nya realizes how long it's been. they're both sobbing messes against each other.

now that cy and the lab are gone, and nya and kai have their elements back, there's two issues to solve. the first is the others' elements, which they don't really want to trigger the emergency response for. the other is the new ninja, their clones.

the og ninja decide to tell the new ninja directly that they know they're clones. turns out the new ninja also did not know they were clones. so that was a fun development where the new ninja realize that Oh God. they're not even actual people. they were just made for one purpose.

the bizarros also get involved. it becomes very confusing to have like three people with the same face in the same room, but the bizarros deserve to know there's clones of their light counterparts. i'm normal about my bizarros.

with their combined effort, they overthrow mayor trustable. and everyone lives happily ever after. more or less.

the new ninja agree to also be city protectors, since they were literally made for that, but that they'll also learn to live their own lives and figure out who they are as people. they aren't the bizarros, who are kinda predisposed to doing bad things.

kai is having a time, meanwhile. he killed someone. he isn't human anymore. he's changed. if there's any more room left in the season, it's left for kai to discover who he is again. maybe he goes on a vacation. they all can go on vacation. they deserve it.

how did the others get their elements back? fuck if i know <3 i haven't gotten that far yet kjdhfgkjdhfg

[mounfaivy]

A Look Back Into the Past

ENTRY #10: A LOOK BACK INTO THE PAST

Dear Self,

Hi, it's me. I'm you from the future. If I wrote this tomorrow, it would have been exactly 2 years and 2 months since my last journal entry. A lot has happened, and we've changed so much-- for better and for worst.

I want you to know that the struggles you went through - all the mental instability, the anger, the despair - they are all valid. Like we had suspected the entire time, it was ADHD. We're different from normal people, and that's ok.

Just a quick TLDR of the past two years:

Grade 9 was the worst year in terms of mental health. We struggled a lot with both family and personal relationship issues. There was even a time we almost cut off our friends. Our passion also shifted from physics and programming to chemistry. Not because we love it, but because we forced ourself to like it simply because we're "good" at it.

Grade 10 was a journey. It had both ups and downs, but most importantly, it was full of discoveries. First quarter, we developed romantic feelings for the first time. Unfortunately, it was on the wrong guy. Third quarter, same thing. Initially we thought it was gonna last but it didn't. The guy's a red flag; we just didn't know about it. Thank goodness we broke up with him.

Right now, it's the summer break just before Grade 11. In two weeks, we'll be back to school again. Honestly, I can't wait. I want to study more-- I want to compete more. A lot of doors are opened in Grade 11. We can do it.

...To be honest, I'm scared. So, so, so scared. I don't know how to do my SCALE. I still haven't done my SIP. Although they say that we don't have to worry about failing SIP because the lowest grade ever given was a 7 (or was it 8?) out of 10 and no one has failed in the history of CLC, what if -- just what if -- that will be me? And I won't get to graduate??? I know it's unfounded, but still--- I'm so so scared.

I was supposed to study today but I ate a second pill yesterday (Ritalin LA 20mg; ADHD meds) at 5PM. Because of that, I didn't sleep until 0830 the next morning. I slept until 1400 and have not done anything productive ever since. It's 1737 and I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll try writing a short fanfic again.

Well, best of luck to tomorrow, I guess. Since school is coming soon, I'll have to do double time on my advance studies, especially Chemistry. I hope we can finish majority by August 3.

Yours Truly, Yvette Future Chemist

Date: July 23, 2024

[cherryjasper]

i don't post my art much here more mainly cause i really don't draw much anymore, not nearly as much as i used to.

it's honestly kind of upsetting but i don't really know how nor do i really have the motivation to change it. i feel like i can trace it back to me absolutely burning myself out from drawing like, 80 pieces in a month during artfight 2021 but it's been almost 3 years now and i feel like i keep drawing less and less! when i could be drawing i play video games instead or browse social media. i feel even less drive now i am no longer friends with someone (i will not disclose why) who i realize now was a muse to me. now that i no longer have that, what little motivation i do have to draw has been washed down the drain. i want to keep making art! i want to draw more! but when push comes to shove i just can't. i have no inspiration, no drive, no clue. i've heard some people do studies when they have art block but i have always found those painfully boring with a few exceptions and i feel like making myself draw something i do not want to draw will only make the problem worse.

i know it's normal to grow out of hobbies and interests as you get older, but i don't want to give up art as a hobby. i do love it, even if i don't interact with it nearly as much as i used to. and maybe it is fine that i only draw once every few days, with my progress only being a few sketches using a symmetry tool, but compared to my previous output, it just makes me feel disappointed in myself and as a result makes me want to draw even less. i wondered if getting better mentally through therapy was making me have less motivation to do art and i have less to express now, and what i do need to express can be talked to with my therapist, but i've been off antidepressants and out of therapy for almost a year now after leaving it very suddenly due to my new therapist quitting a month after my old therapist set me up with her, and as a result the pills i was already forgetting to take for weeks on end falling completely to the wayside (so much that when I tried to take them again I had completely lost the tolerance i had built up to them and felt horrible, and was scared off from taking them again), my mental health has been slipping downwards again very rapidly and yet i still have no motivation to do art. i will admit, when i began to round up the art i had done for last year i did a lot more than i thought i did, and that made me feel really good, but i am falling right back into the pithole of also worrying about not making enough finished pieces this year and that making me so anxious that i end up getting a sort of paralysis that makes it hard to even pick up my tablet. that, and i also got a girlfriend, and while i do love her a LOT, she's in a pretty bad situation physically and mentally and i feel obligated to spend most of my free time with her, even when i know she wouldn't mind me taking time to myself to draw. i feel like my skills are decaying which makes the anxiety even worse, as i feel like whatever i will attempt to draw will look like complete shit. i really feel like i need to see like, an art therapist, or talk to someone who has had the exact same problem as me to the exact same extent, because asking people before hasn't really yielded me any answers that have helped me.

tldr: my relationship to art has been very bad the past couple of years and has been causing me to get severe anxiety over not doing art enough art and as a result feeling like im regressing in skill, causing me to avoid art more despite not wanting to let it go as a hobby and i have yet to find a solution or way to relieve my problem

normally i would keep super windy vents like this private but honestly i would love to talk to people who are facing the same problem as me. i love following other artists but i feel terrible seeing them output so much and meanwhile all i can do is a scuffed sketch of a head every 5 days