#tldr this is what been up with me for the past 3(+ maybe) months and what might be future wise in personal space

[marleemutt]

TLDR: im a black trans artist who can use some help right now following the sudden passing of my only sister - her doberman is now the responsibility of my parents and we can use help for his food, supplements, toys etc.

Kofi (help me send Chewy orders to my parent's house)

Wishlist (literally send him things like toys, treats, etc.)

⬇️ more info ⬇️

hey guys

some of you might be aware of this already, but early October, my eldest sibling & only sister suddenly passed away due to a seizure, she had been dealing with epilepsy her whole life.

this has been incredibly difficult for me, and my family. her passing was incredibly sudden, she was only 30.

for the past month or so ive been struggling to find any motivation to draw, and barely able to work.

she was the incredibly devoted owner of a doberman named Remi(Ramsey). Me and my sister traveled 4 hours to pick him up three years ago. He's a goofball who tears up socks and needs constant supervision. My parents love him, but I can tell he is a lot of work for two people who have fulltime jobs and have lived long lives.

I'm going to try to help them take care of him as much as possible, I feel that it's the least we can do to honor my sister's memory, since she loved him so deeply.

My sister always wanted a doberman, for years she would watch videos about dobermans and talk about them to anyone who would listen.

Remi wasn't easy to raise - I shared a room with my sister when she got him in 2020, she still worked a 9-5, five days a week, so I was his nanny for most of his difficult childhood. I was his chew toy for the first year of his life about - but that only made him bond closer to me. If he wasn't following my sister, I was choice #2. Dobermans are "velcro dogs", they were bred to guard their owners, and because of this, they are fiercely loyal. I've been moved out of my parent's place for going on 3 years, and my sister had just moved with Remi out a few months prior to her passing.

A week before my sister's sudden passing, we had to board Remi at my dog daycare job while my family and I took a trip out of state. When dropping him off, although he was happy to see me again for the first time in months, the moment my sister turned her back to him he began to panic. He got through the boarding all right but my coworkers told me he would cry and wait by the door for me or her. When my sister picked him up, they said he jumped all 80+lbs into her arms.

Since my sister's passing, Remi has been directionless. He's with my family, people he trusts, but he's bored, confused, and heartbroken. My sister would often take him to the dog park, social events, on runs, etc. but my parent's can't do that in their age. If my apartment allowed large dogs, I would take him, but I can't, and I see him maybe twice a month if possible.

Ramsey's Christmas List

I made a christmas list for him of things that might help my parents better take care of him. We're trying different food brands out because he struggles with frequent stomach issues, and we can't seem to figure out what food my sister was feeding him. This list is by no means a necessity for him, but I tried to add things to help with his boredom and keep him stimulated when my parents can't give him all their attention.

i do want to state that my family is capable of providing him with the essentials to live, we arent irresponsible. i would just like to help my parents out since a 3 year old 80-90lb doberman is a lot of work to be suddenly placed on them soley. And I worry for his health and well-being sometimes - Remi has a tendency to eat/tear random objects when he's bored.

please consider donating whatever you can. Everything goes directly to him.

thank you for taking the time to read this, and possibly reblog if possible. ❤️

[27dragons]

Hiii I‘ve been loving seeing you more on my dash lately, been following you and reading your fics for like six years now and truly no one else’s works have filled my bookmarks as much as yours (and Tisfans of course).

One of yours was the very first winteriron fic I ever read and it had me fall in love instantly, haven’t found anything else like them since. I love that you found your writing muse again, and I know it’s been a long time and a lot of the fandom has fizzled out. But I just wanted to pop in an ask if maybe one day you could see yourself writing MCU again?

In any case, it’s been a lot of lovely years with your writing and you’ll make (and are making) a lot of other new people incredibly happy with your amazing skill and talent for words, worldbuilding and characterisation <3

Hey there! I'm so delighted that you've enjoyed my fics so much!!! It really means a lot to me.

The tldr is that yes, there's at least a slim chance that I might write winteriron/MCU again one day. There is a whole stack of partially-written WIPs still in my writing folder that I can't bring myself to archive and retire.

I'll admit that my enthusiasm for MCU faded a lot when they killed Tony off. And then a massive surge in my depression (thanks in part to COVID and then tisfan's death and then my mom's) all but extinguished my ability to write. I had a creative burst for about 3 months in 2023 with Sandman and the Dreamling ship that resulted in about a dozen fics, but the one fic that I managed to write in 2024 (which was winteriron!) felt like pulling teeth to finish.

But I'm still reading some winteriron fics (and the occasional stony), so it's not entirely dead to me. (For that matter, I did quite a few winteriron/MCU ficlets with my Countdowns here on tumblr in both '23 and '24 - check my "countdown to 2024" and "countdown to 2025" tags if you missed those.)

It's just that winteriron is closely tied to tisfan for me (even before we were writing together, she was always my beta reader), and it's hard to think about it without her. (Also, I've written SO MUCH winteriron, it's hard to come up with any scenarios that I haven't already done, lol)

The Arcane/Jayvik bug has bitten hard, and it's such a relief to know that I can still write, but I'm still waiting to see if this will fizzle out again after a few months like the Dreamling stuff did.

If I do keep writing, there's a pretty decent chance that I will eventually come back to winteriron, at least occasionally. If nothing else, I'd love to one day finish the fic that tisfan and I were working on when she had her stroke.

But I expect it will take a while. If you asked because you're considering unfollowing/unsubscribing so your inbox and dash aren't cluttered with notifications for a fandom you have no interest in, then I promise I won't be offended if you want to do that and just set yourself a reminder to check back in a year to see what happened. I've made that decision myself a few times, and I know it comes with a sliver of heartbreak and guilt. But I understand that not everyone will want to follow me everywhere that I go, and that in no way diminishes my appreciation for the love you've given my fics in the past, whether you just clicked kudos or left a comment on every chapter.

Thank you again for this very kind note. I'm so happy to have given you something you've enjoyed so much.

❤️💛

[kiwi-luminaryofthestars]

04/18/2025 Progress Update:

TLDR: 2K written, about 24.5K so far drafted for ch 6

Lord I actually got to sit down and write today, thank God. And we got past poker! A bittersweet victory, to be past poker. I don't know if it will properly come across in the fic, and that's okay because the experience was fun anyway, but I put a lot of thought, time, and effort into these poker rounds. Thus it's both a solemn and happy parting to be done with them.

Now, we're just finishing up the last parts of section 3. They are already written, we are just fleshing them out, connecting pieces. Then we'll do the same with sections 4 and 5 and we'll be good to edit!! Maybe this'll be done at an adequate time after all (I say while knocking on every piece of wood in my general vicinity lol).

Kokichi POV has been ahhhh hard but we're doing our best. I haven't done Kokichi POV since the very beginning of ch 4, so it's been a good like two months. I gotta get back into the swing of things, put my head into my best dude, what could he possibly be thinking? The answer is lots of things and mostly self-deprecating, because I can't resist making him hate himself in anything I write. But I think I honestly just make every character hate themselves, which is... sad, but I do feel that from a lot of DR characters in general. Maybe it's just my interpretation, but it seems so few DR characters actually like who they are. And GOD that's relatable, so here I am making them all have this deep-seated hatred of themselves.

Sometimes I hope I don't come across like I hate the characters when I write like that because I AM OBSESSED WITH THEM so... could never ever ever hate them lmao. I just like making them have inner turmoil because it's relatable and interesting. I'm also very "story-first", as I'm sure you've now guessed, so I like giving characters struggles that directly correlate with where the plot is going. Like Shuichi's alcoholism is a core component of this fic and so is Kokichi's self-hatred. Characteristics that drive what they do and how they act in certain situations. This fic's plot would not continue if neither of these things existed.

Ahhh maybe that was a little self-indulgent and pretentious. Apologies, I've had a bit of whiskey in me lmao. But I'm excited to continue, excited to have ch 6 and 7 out. I do think I'll probably take another small break after 7 to write a one-shot, or maybe do the second chapter of the vampire one. We'll see. I've been getting so many ideas lately, which is... really abnormal for me. I tend to not have many ideas, but in talking with friends and hashing out scenes, it's like... I suddenly have so many I want to write one day. Double-edged-sword for sure, because it is both delightful to imagine and also a little stressful to think about lol.

Anyway, Jesus this is long. I'm glad I do those summaries at the top because this is like... a lot of rambling lmaoooo. Well, it's mostly for me, so I'm gonna be kind to myself. I want to one day have all of this for me to read back on and see what I was thinking when I wrote certain chapters. It's fun!!

I hope you all have a lovely lovely night. I send all the good vibes out to anyone reading. This weekend will be absolutely demolished by us, squashed like a bug. Have a goodnight!!

[femslashfeb]

HELLO ALL

TLDR

No reblogging from the blog this year - posting prompts tomorrow the 31st

For the past few years I've very much struggled with reblogging everyone's activity in the tag. So this year I will not be doing so.

(OR maybe I will? I just don't want to commit)

Even if I knew how to make a bot that reblogs - a lot of people still use the unique tag to tag outside challenges. So I've always had to hand submit. However it became too stressful for me and for the past few years I ended up avoiding it until later weeks or even months.

If you noticed I didn't finish reblogging last year so- I've just given up on that.

Honestly I've struggled a lot with depression for the last 7 years or so. It's been harder and harder to find my way back to tumblr. It doesn't help that my phone can barely handle the amount of apps it already has.

My main account @puff-pink hardly ever updates because of my big sad. And I don't know if I'll ever get back on the horse in the same way I did before.

Some of you know me as an artist, and tho I still churn out subpar art for my day-job I've struggled a lot to make art for myself during my depression. Partially because one year I overworked my hand - and still deal in continual wrist aches. Even the weeks I don't pick up a drawing tool.

I intended this challenge for myself and maybe the small fandoms I was in at the time. But it took off among writers and creators of all types across all fandoms.

One year I even tried to tally the most popular fandoms but there were honestly too many to keep track of- and I stopped after the first three pages of submissions.

I don't claim to have invented the concept of FemSlash February. Before I started the prompts I swear I had heard the phrase somewhere. Tho not sure where. Perhaps it had been amongst my friends on Skype. Back when I had online friends and Skype(I'm still not sold on Discord🤷‍♀️).

However that January I thought it would be fun to partake in a challenge of some kind. But scouring tumblr and the general internet. I could only find half hearted efforts on fanfiction sites from years past.

I'm so proud of all my Sapphic creators on here that have partaken every year. Even if I've never shown favoritism or awarded anyone. I do notice those that actually complete the challenge AND those that keep coming back each year(looking at you H20 writer(I don't remember your username but there's a mermaid writer that's a writing machine)). I truly am proud of you especially in my shriveled state of creativity. Thank you for your efforts. For your hype. And for your love of women of all kinds across all the universes.

Each year I'm surprised to find even more categories I never thought to include. From mood boards, to doll photography, to ofc the classic art and writing. May your pencils forever be in union with your sister mediums.

On that note. There is a strict NO AI GENERATED ART or writing this year.

Not that I could physically stop anyone who does use AI. But I do not want that sort of thing associated with this challenge. It's become scarily good in 2023 to the point it can't always be identified. So I simply ask for the honor system when it comes to AI generated creations.

That being said. If you've made it to the end of this post:

Prompts will be posted tomorrow.

I usually prefer to give yall more of a buffer, but I've been busy. Both with Big Sad, rescuing some feral cats, my own life, errands, chores and work.

If you're still here- here is a preview of the first three days.

FEB 1 - black

FEB 2 - spring

FEB 3 - cake

The 14th as usual will be some sort of Valentine romance type theme(haven't decided specifically yet) and as always there will be a Rest Day.

Expect some repeat prompts. In the past I tried to avoid them but idc anymore.

It's also a Leap Year this year so expect one extra prompt to throw off the symmetry of what's normally 28 days.

Thanks for coming back this year. And thank you to those that still check on this blog.

❤️🧡🤍💜🩷

Keep loving girls

-PuffPink

[specialgradefckr]

just read heartline gone flat and idk i’m craving moreeee its sooooo good.

also i have a question. what would happen if reader just went ghost? she had just carved her name into satoru’s chest and thought about killing him. she goes ghost because she feels as though she needs a space where she reevaluates everything, all the toxicity and such. she’s not completely ghost, though. they still see her when she comes home because that is where she lays her head, but it turns into nights where she doesn’t even come. and when she is there, she refuses to talk to them.

weeks turn into months of her avoiding them and her room is just void of her, everything in place like how it’s been for the past 2 months. almost like she’s moved out, but her belongings are still there so they know she’s not completely gone. although i do feel like suguru would do something about it sooner, how would they both feel? what would they do?

huhuhu,,, an old ask but i'm catching up on these!!! love you guys!!! also really glad you enjoyed, it made me happy to get asks for the sequel fic like this <3

ghosting is definitely the dignified thing to do BEFORE heartline gone flat but could you even imagine it?

"a space where she reevaluates everything, all the toxicity and such" right after you FUCKING CARVED YOUR NAME into some dude's chest after fucking him skdjfghlshdg

i do think that's an interesting way for things to go though. i can tell you i don't know if they'd just take it for months on end. especially after what happened. does gojo have that kind of patience??

i feel like after a while he would just. body block you or something. force a confrontation. he would stand in front of you and not move out of the way and whine that you're ignoring him and it makes him sad don't you love him anymore? he has your name written on him, you can't be mad! you wrote it yourself!

the approach would work better on geto, sort of. gojo's an attention whore so depriving him of your attention drives him insane. geto is too proud to approach you, but it would still have him seething.

very angry mom vibes. stealing your laundry to clean (and maybe let gojo jerk off into if he's really angry). making meals for you and then leaving them outside your door for you to walk into during the day. knocking on your door and announcing dinner and waiting outside for just the right amount of time to be awkward.

he IS the guy who thought about just drugging you and/or fucking you in your sleep. he also thought you might let him get away with it, too, with your crush on him.

i wonder if they might play any fake injury gambits to catch your attention. or engineer scenarios. maybe lock you inside the house without your phone or something. make it so you have to call for help.

tldr; they're not gonna let that slide,,,, the only question is who's going to snap first and what the hell he does about it.

[reilliane]

This is my personal obligatory post and apology for my poofing disappearance- if you're not up to read things like these, then feel free to scroll past! Have a good day/night!

—

the poofing, the poofed, and the un-poofing.

TLDR; Bad stuff happened for the entire past year, stopped college just a few months ago to learn the materials myself and market myself in the graphic design industry soon, and got a whole dose of religious epiphany that threw my life around. Wrote in a different account a few months ago to ease and destress without much expectation. Will continue to write albeit there won’t be many updates, had/have to drop original writing plans [right now focusing on a short story for Wanderer, though it doesn’t mean I won’t be able to write for others when I get the time]. May unfortunately discontinue ongoing AUs but will provide a summary for them [I think it’s only Tyranny-?] Will also open writing/art commissions soon, maybe set up a kofi account, but I won’t be ‘gatekeeping’ any content I plan to post. I’m thinking, if ever, it’d only be standalone specials or maybe nsfw [gosh I’m really saying that?] in kofi, buuut that’s just a maybe. Everything else is free to read of course <3 

A really detailed and long [I MEAN IT, MAYBE 1.3-.5K?? WC] exposition under the cut, but of course, it’s optional to read!

PS. I opened my drafts and had one or two finished works there, I will publish those soon. Get ready. Because they’re angst AHAAAAAAAAAA-

PPS. I won’t be able to respond to everyone’s sweet shucking messages in my inbox forgive me But know that I’M REALLY SO TOUCHED YALL I really didn’t think anyone would look for me that much 😭 Someone said I vanished like the avatar and it’s sending me crumpling to the floor.

ALRIGHT STORYTIME LET’S GO—first of all, I haven’t been on Tumblr for so long, nor have I interacted with anyone and coming back,, the web interface bamboozled me.

Anyway- the past year was roooough, like settling in and getting into college.

From the start, my brother and I have known of our depleting resources but couldn’t stop because of our mother’s insistence and my father’s very.. volatile attitude. Double the latter since he has cancer and has been nothing short of cranky and infuriated for the past years—knowing that the money is facing a downward slope because of his expensive medicines and learning that we’ll stop because of it would’ve,, been terribly bad and that's understating the nature of my headstrong, independent, and prideful father.

There were times when he was very somber about his state, but then mad—it was just a really bad time, but my brother and I finally convinced our mom that we had to stop for real a few months ago because money was just tight. Until now we’re hiding the fact from our dad that we stopped under the pretense that we’re only taking one course for the semester :v

We were very lost and torn.

I knew I had to go out and look for a job, but my brother would be doing the same, too—the thing was that we knew our mom couldn’t handle our dad being sick alone, so my brother opted to be the one to find work outside.

I’m learning materials and courses on my own at home, but finding a remote job without a degree is no doubt near unimaginable with how remote setups are almost nonexistent now. The time was just bleak at home, too, my father would ask for bad things to eat that would worsen his health and then blame it all on my mother when he felt body pains and repercussions—it was just BAD, that wasn't all of it, but I digress. Cancer sucks. 

Just a few days ago, I lost my uncle to the same thing, and now there’s an overall family dispute over who gets what and it feels like I’m living a kdrama fever dream [pls get me out hfasjdkfhdsaf]. I don’t recommend it if it’s not romance lmao.

Things were getting so out of hand and I also couldn’t get back into writing or socializing with everyone in my writing socials—but I still wanted to write without the expectation of being able to deliver as I used to. It was a de-stresser for me, so I opened a new account in ao3/quotev and wrote in.. November or December, I think. It was nice, I got to just type away and post and leave it at that.

I think one of the reasons why I didn’t go to Tumblr for that was because I knew I wouldn’t be able to commit to updates, and I love you guys, I didn’t want to say something and promise it’d be given but then nothing. I’ve done it back then and I just, don’t want to do that :(

Despite how heavy and dark the past year was, however, something really unexpected happened—okay here it goes.

As a child, I’ve been taught about Christian doctrine and was brought up to believe in the existence of a God. I didn’t have my heart in it though, of course not, how was I to believe something that I only knew because someone said it to me?? I did attend church out of duty and had a shallow fear of the greater being, but as an authentic believing person? Naw. 

Not until June at least.

I don’t know how to explain it rather I, out of the want to give my mother the chance to go somewhere she wanted to for Sunday, decided to join her for church. I was ready to just daze off and think about some solution to our problems, but then the sermon spoke to me—you know, that feeling when someone is passive-aggressively referring to you in a complaint or something?

It felt like that, only it felt like that message was something I was meant to hear, and boy I couldn’t believe it—neither did my mother [lol]. She told me how shocked she was when I listened throughout the what, an hour and a half of preaching that I usually just dismiss. 

It’s cliche, but my life really changed after that one simple Sunday.

All my tweeeeenty years of living, I’ve asked if God really is real and whatnot and I never got answered until July of 2023. What really cemented my belief in knowing that he is real, is when I decided to genuinely pray—then for seven consecutive days, the Bible would lead me to a page [like just randomly opening a part of the book after prayer] that answered my questions and/or convicted me of something. I'd wake up every day and an event would happen that would answer my confusion and I'd sit in the night thinking 'no way that just happened', but it did. Boy, when I tell you I thought I was going crazy.

Not to mention opportunities such as baptism and ministry suddenly popped my way when I only had the idea in my head and I kept it to myself. At first, I thought it was just a coincidence, but when it ‘popped up’ more than thrice in a single week, I knew it wasn’t. Think of it as like, the thing in fanfiction when it seemed like the universe was saying something to you. Yeah, I felt that for myself. Mindblowing.

I could go on and on about the other life-changing things that occurred, but this would be so long LOL.

But I never regret coming to faith and accepting Jesus for real that day, and although life is still dark for me these days, the burden feels light. It’s an amazing feeling. He's really changed everything.

I’m not going to force anyone these beliefs—I knew how it felt to be on the receiving end and it could get very annoying, rather I just spoke on it to say how wonderful it was to know him, and it would be nice to let others know about my side in case they'd also take the faith. Who knows?

Also, I think I understand what those people were saying now. Again, I won’t force anyone—just reminding and asking you to try if you want, because it’s amazing. Bombard me in my inbox if you’re interested, but no pushing here, because I’m a firm believer that things shouldn’t be forced if it’s not the right time yet. 

Anyway, that was my source of strength and hope to go through these days—and I believe it’s also the driving force that led me to write this out in.. in Tumblr of all places lol. If someone told me this would happen two years ago I'd laugh in their face 💀

Rather than just getting back into writing and opening my social circle again, there’s that bit in me that wants to say that religious epiphany. That said, I know how diverse everyone is in their beliefs so I’ll say it very tersely that, no, I will not be parading and pushing people to believe this and that—this space is, after all, my space for writing :)

Ah, and nor will I ramble about it like shuck lol, but I will, in private, when prompted. 

With that out of the way, back into writing—I was floored when I first opened Tumblr and saw all the notifications and messages about my disappearance and I could’ve cried, really. It touches me poor heart :sob: and I wanted to thank all of you for such caring messages—I wouldn’t be able to reply to all of them [there were many!

Like maybe more than fifteen or twenty, not even counting the direct messages] but know that I’m very- very grateful for every one of you.

I could crawl out of your screen and hug yall but I won’t because I can’t and it’d throw people off KJHFSADKJFHALJSKDFHA

Life is, again, still hard—and navigating it is still difficult, but I’m managing these days. I can no longer return to my usual days of sporadic updates and teasers lol, but I’m happy to say I will still be writing, though it won’t be my entire focus nowadays. When I open writing commissions for genshin and art commissions, it’d get me going, of course. 

I have to let go of most of my beloved works because I realized that sticking to them would take up most of my time when I need to be out there upskilling and taking initiative to start earning money to support the bills. I still wanted to write though, and in my downtime I even got to watching One Piece and writing a currently on-hold fanfiction for that in Ao3, but fuuully realized that, no, I’m no longer cut out for really long written stuff unless I commit to writing a long piece that would take weeks for it to be published. 

In the end I settled for a single character [wanderer bb] short story that I get into writing without much hassle, and make myself happy, still :) I have ideas for other characters, too, but getting them out to be posted would take longer than usual.

My other AUs, as well, since my focus is just.. God, life, expenses, work, then hobbies. I don’t guarantee finishing them [I think Tyranny? And others, like Smite/Mercy/etc.], but I have in mind to write a summary because I meant it back then when I said the plot was really finished. Sighgisghsighs

Opening art commissions, I’d do that soon—writing, too.

Maybe a kofi account, as well—but I won’t be having any posts I want to be posted to be locked behind some tip or pay. I’m thinking of only adding specials there, specials like, standalone oneshots from an AU, or an nsfw piece. Oh golly, writing that is so beyond me, I think that’s the only reason why if anything is going to be in kofi, it’d probably be the nsfw. I plan to keep this writing blog sfw, still. 

But we’ll,,, we’ll see [dying]

So yeah! That’s.. Everything. For the writing thing, I think I’ll technically just be .. here, lol, with a focus on that story with wanderer. Gone are the 7k worded oneshots, now we’re just around 1.5k unless I commit to the creation. The story is so fluffy too [not angst? Surprising] 

But again, I will write for others eventually—can’t say when, or how, or who, but I will in time. 

I have so many plans in my head about my life, and I’m glad to say going back to Tumblr is a check off the list. I have an original novel in mind, but would you all be interested in such a thing? I don’t honestly know—other than opening commissions, I also plan on a Youtube Channel, but that’s uncertain. A Webtoon for my original plot too is a maybe, buuuut those are just what-ifs. Time will tell!

Those are just my two cents and I don’t regret sharing that—you guys have been with me for so long, even if I don’t really know you all beyond that screen, you all really became a part of my life, too :”)) 

If you reached the end of this post, wow, I’m touched. I hope you all have a good day–oh wait, what do I say? Ah yes.

I wish you all a good mornight [fhkadjsfhiajhgf].

God bless yall sweet people. 

[evreeone]

i was sitting wondering why i'm critically fatigued today before remembering that one of the problems i went to the ER about a couple weeks ago had me going to urgent care This week because the problem has not gotten better at all and has quickly been leading to more problems in a fucked up domino effect and some of the speculations i've gotten from doctors have been giving me near daily anxiety attacks or Borderline Anxiety Attacks🫠 they ruled out some of the more simple (and would've been more easily resolved) answers so now after finishing a round of meds they gave Just in Case, i'll likely have to get an ultrasound done and possibly another endoscopy or both endoscopy and colonoscopy to try and see what's going on exactly mentioning partially in a 'if i'm not around as much that is why', and if i know you more personally this is also a "if i miss DMs or reply slower than usual this is why"....i've just been....really tired and scattered and stressed and scared and just. it is really not my year. more personal vent under the cut that deals with a bit of a heavier topic

to vent about specifics because i have to keep quiet about it to my family, i have swelling/inflammation in either my kidney, my pancreas or my intestines (something tangible the doctor felt and that i've been feeling and having pains over since a bit before my ER trip a couple weeks ago) and that inflammation is causing whichever organ it is to press against Other organs and cause further problems. and the chance of it being the pancreas is....deeply triggering to even let have brain space. i lost my dad to pancreatic cancer and i know it's fast and aggressive--and i've been having a lot of mirrored symptoms from when he first started feeling it. (loss of appetite, abdominal pains, fatigue, etc.) though, my brother has also had issues with his pancreas in the past, nothing terminal, that had him stuck with hospital trips and even a case where he passed out in the ER because of complications. not sure how he got it resolved but if i'm lucky maybe it's just something similar to what he went through because of the context of my dad, though, i also haven't really been fully open with family about what's happening. my mom in particular also had a bit of a scary health thing come up and i don't want to tack onto her stress. or my brother's. i've had friends who have been very supportive during this time, both on and offline (even someone who has helped me with transportation in all this), which has been godsend, at least i feel like despite having been sick for over 6-7 years now i've managed to be as positive as i think one possibly Could be given the circumstances but this year feels like it's going to be a bit dire and i'm starting to crack a bit under the weight of everything. just really have not been feeling well lately, and that's a bit remarkable given i've been struggling with fatigue enough to not be able to work. now i'm so critically exhausted that even when i feel like i have enough spoons to shower i'll run out of them like 1/3 of the way in and have to just struggle to get through it so i can lie back down. it's hard to get enough energy to even heat up pre-made food, let alone cook. i've been mostly stuck in bed, more than usual when in the past i've had flares in fatigue pbpbpbpbpt i'm just rambling at this point. tldr shit sucks and i'm sick, scared and tired :( just hoping that the answers are resolvable, or if not resolvable than at least not fatal or terminal. but it's hard not to be scared. (and being scared and anxious is probably not helping much in any aspect and is probably complicating things further) in better news at least, i only have a bit over a month to wait and then i'll finally have a new pcp who will hopefully. Hopefully. treat my case better. (current pcp denied tests Before the ER despite things getting worse because i was already tested....fives years ago 🙃 so the new one can't come soon enough)

[sandsorghum]

pondering all the potential, wonderful challenges of writing Higuruma in a relationship, because there's so much nuance with each possibility of what one imagines his past experience (or lack thereof) to be.

First and foremost I headcannon Higuruma as someone who hasn't had a lot of time and space to invest in Love, not properly - or not on a level that rivals his passion for the Law, or his ideals of improving the world.

And there's a lot of ways to go about presenting that; I think he could have had any number of situationships or romances but not a serious relationship, a full commitment that he hasn't been willing to let fizzle out at the mercy of hectic arraignment schedules, sparks barely kept guttering with office trysts and motel rendezvous.

I like toying with the idea of a Higuruma who approaches sex as a (biological) hassle on some level, but also isn't that cerebral about it; he can be a beast when he wants to be <3

I could characterise Higuruma as someone who's had a lot of (sexual) encounters, but finds actual intimacy unfamiliar territory. Someone for whom it's simple enough to find a person to sleep with, but might be slightly flummoxed that person is still by his side, tolerating his snoring six months or a year later. maybe he'd even be downright befuddled at how it could get to a couple of years of mornings of sprawled limbs and entwined legs and offensively chilly soles despite the cuddles and blanket forts. (Lemme have my soft spot!)

Although speaking of cold feet, I don't think Hiromi really gets any - even if he were to find himself head over heels someday. Similar to how swiftly he adapted to the realities of jujutsu, I think there's something unshakeable about his emotional interiority, however new and overwhelming these intense feelings get. Though it'd be very fun to write a smitten Higuruma (I think he could be so unabashed and shameless about his desires, especially post "went off the rails in my 30s" Hiromi who's decided he's pretty done with decorum and excessive regard for others' opinions - tldr this is a man who will convince you to let him eat you out on a balcony if the whim catches him, and if your whines reach the neighbours' ears? Whatever he's just gonna quote Paragraph iiv Subsection C of the tenants' agreement at them. Maybe he'd even mock their polite sensibilities and taunt them by printing out a template complaint letter to the landlord for their convenience, knowing they'd be too embarrassed to actually bring it up.

"Mr Takeda, this thinness of the walls that you speak of, must be as imaginary as my patience.")

Higuruma isn't one to deny or bullshit himself about what he wants, whether that's a more just world or a woman he's certain is his equal, perfect partner. He has such astute assessments of the world, and how to shape it, he doesn't see why applying that same effort and logic wouldn't guarantee him similar results in a relationship.

That's one of the most attractive (and annoying) qualities to me in writing him, he's didactic and dynamic and direct, so to come up with scenarios that challenge those traits, or where those traits might be a hindrance or have unintended outcomes in communication objectives, requires a lot of writing layered conversations.

With Nanami, it's easy to misinterpret the unsaid - with Higuruma it's vice versa. He could be both so verbose and incisive, getting to the rational conclusion before you do, or before the emotional reality sets in perhaps. (I also think there is quite limited space in his world view for emotional realities taking precedence over objective facts.Growth for him in a relationship, with a partner for whom such things matter more at least, would be to accommodate this alternative view.)

I might also enjoy expanding the psychology of Higuruma's darker streaks; Obsession as the flip side to Devotion. One has to be a little "crazy" to be a criminal attorney in Japan, to go against the odds of 99%. His is a conviction that warps worlds, bends it to his will with eloquence and insight. He could flay someone apart and wrap the shreds of their self around his finger...(yall lucky im too lazy/busy rn to properly give a YandereHiromi a run)

On the opposite end, I haven't contended completely with what vulnerability looks like for Hiromi -- that'd depend a lot on how closely the canon influences the setting of one's story, or the points where it'd depart. How drastically different might Pre and post Culling Games Hiromi be?

Well...I think Post-CG Hiromi would have quite a lot of remorse over the innocents he killed, that's probably something he'd have to work through with his love. There'd be bouts of doubt as to whether he deserves something so good, lapses of cynicism like what led to that initial meltdown. I'm considering in particular how he couldn't bear to be around Yuji after their fight, that opening seam of self-loathing could lead to some interesting character developments.

All of this would be compounded by how he doesn't have the best track record in getting people to stay, or not caring enough to persuade them to until real Love came along and smacked him upside both hemispheres of that gorgeous brain. As someone who doesn't extensively experience (progressively) stronger emotions, he would need some time to sort through all that. I wouldn't say he lacks that capacity, but he'd be adjusting to a realm of depths he had never figured he was capable of.

Hiromi's had a lifelong career convincing others and convinced of man's (necessarily sufferable) shortcomings - getting him to have different expectations, or even to ask what he expects of this discovery of love, could be difficult and foreign. Fortunately it's well documented that those aren't daunting factors for Hiromi, there's a version of him so determined to not screw up what he has because he has no clue how he got so lucky. Imagine that tenacious dedication he's applied to his ideals being poured into his love, he'd be one of the most loyal partners ever. And it's not zeal, it's not fanaticism, nor tempestuous passion (though there's definitely a variant of that you could write him with); A serious relationship with Hiromi has a foundation in crystal clear-eyed love, based on both the sensibility of compatibility but also the mysticism of chemistry.

He knows he's clever, has an infinite handkerchief of wry witticisms in his pockets but what Hiromi doesn't understand is how he makes you laugh so brightly, so easily at the remarks and observations he doesn't intend as jokes or barbs. He doesn't know either how the knowing smirk between the two of you slipped into something far more innocuous, him simply smiling at your upturned face, in a lull in the middle of a conversation. And you always know the right thing to say, but your silence is just as comforting.

It's both getting his sense of humour, and empathising with his frustrations. It's both innate, and it's effort - just like his intellect, or his skill with sorcery, the connection comes naturally but so what, he's still had to commit to fighting for everything he wants to accomplish and achieve. He puts in the work despite the sheer genius or talent. So similarly in a relationship, Hiromi isn't going to rest on his laurels or merely rely on what he feels. He won't take your affection (or attraction!) towards him for granted, likewise he'll constantly try to earn and keep your trust, and probably expects a similar commitment from his partner to talk through tension or hash any arguments out. (Stonewalling wouldn't work on him, it only guarantees further frustration and distance.)

That of course is an idealised, almost fully realised version of Hiromi.

I'd also like to write stuff where I examine what his flaws or oversights in a relationship would be in, I suspect they'd stem from a rigidity of certain perspectives - in the same vein of how there's usually some duality or double-edge sword aspect to our base qualities, or most inviolable ideals. (For example how does Hiromi temper justice with mercy, can he afford himself that kindness?)

It's so easy to love Hiromi, like it is with Nanami, for his beliefs. But being a good person isn't the same as being a good partner. Those with strong principles have an obstinacy about their ethics that can translate to their diagnosis of what the source of conflict and "solutions" are in relationships. And attempting to conceive a cogent argument against an attorney? His lover's got their labour cut out!

I'm addicted to analyzing these complexities of Higuruma's character, to cross-examining how his traits and tendencies would work or work against him in a relationship. How he would bring his passion, his processing, his oscillations between optimism and realism into Love. I really want to do justice (hah) to him, and it's such a struggle parsing all these things sometimes I just wanna give up and write "stress-relief" one night stand filth for him ):

[the odds im working on something like that alr is 101%]

god i've spent too many hours just thinking about this man! there's just so much to unpack with him and yknow he's also packin'

[the-s1lly-corner]

I want to request like. A cuddling session with Slenderman, who is having a bad day and we comfort him

(つ≧▽≦)つ

I'm addicted to the idea of him pretending to be okay with people calling him monster, but deep down he has this longing for it to stop, since he wanted to get along with the proxies and others he deemed second family.

So he like, rant about his day while reader comfort him.

Maybe get him a little fluster aswell （〜^∇^ )〜

(Take your time and have a good day/night)

All Entwined in One Web

obligatory im stuck in the 2015 era of the creepypasta fandom and ive been mulling over this sort of approach in my head for the past month because i revisited an old slenderman x oc fanfic that had a death grip on me and shaped the way i will interact with + and consume creepypasta stuff for the sake of saving grace and not revealing HOW cringe i was im not going to drop the fanfic name (unless yall dm me because!! i still wanna support the author even if it seems theyre inactive now!) i blame this author for making me a demon sympathizer/j/lh written kinda different than my basic bullet list of hcs! got silly with this one, sorry if its jarring compared to my usual stuff </3 this post is mostly just my hc on like. slender (and by extension all demon characters) being neutral and a simple part of nature that stems from zalgo (yay im finally dropping zalgo lore for my au since he functions differently in my au/hc!!) so take this with a HUGE grain of salt since i feel this deters from the main take people use (that ive seen, at least) this one ended up being more.. sad than i first intended and imma be honest i kinda got into my feelings when i was writing this anywaus i hope this isnt too cringe since i dont talk much about my HUGEhcs/au stuff/rewritten stuff so!! plus i dont usually write BIG detailed stuff like this sobsob tldr; slenderman isnt good or evil hes just a neutral piece of nature in the world and hes trying to cope with it. the demon gods really fucked up by making him sentient and able to process human like emotions

death is a force of nature and people curse it for simply being a part of life; people curse wild animals for being, and people will curse the weather

in this universe, or timeline, demons exist in a similar manner. slenderman exists simply because hes a part of that huge web of nature. of course, that includes every single ugly instinct that humans hate so so much. and he can understand why, even if its his nature.

the one responsible for that web, is zalgo. the beginning and end of everything. neither alive nor dead, all demons stem from zalgo in one way or another.

a solitary creature that prefers to stay alone in the comfort of its home, it doesnt tend to reach out to harm others unless theres harm. only really attacking people that threaten to expose it or get too close...

except, you... you were the one exception. regardless of how you managed to worm yourself into his heart, and become his lifelong companion, hes grateful for your presence when things begin to build up.

he knows that in the eyes of others, he ugly and vile, but he knows that ultimately thats what protects him. he insists that its better this way, sticking to the forest away from the prying eyes.

SURE, he could follow in his brothers footsteps and make a false human body and try to blend in with the people. but is that really efficient? is that really something he wants? hes a powerful being but that would eventually take its toll on him..

ultimately he resigns himself into your arms; once oozing powerful and command, now crumpled and curled.

he never had a childhood, when zalgo created him, he simply.

was

no adolescence, no developing, no growing. he was always what he was meant to be, but he likes to think that when youre holding him, that this is what it feels like to be so small and vulnerable.

humans had it so easy, hed think. theyre born and they die and the process repeats itself for everyone. they dont have to be feared or hated, or kill to survive.

yes, to him, being mortal was far more preferable to being condemned to being a lonely hermit who corrupts and breaks everything it touches.

even with your comfort, theres only so much that you can do; youll eventually pass on as well and hell be stuck in his cycle once more

but for now, as you hum softly and whisper nothings to him as you let him crumble; hell let himself weep just this once.

because as much as he envies your life, and what humans have, he cant deny that he cant bring himself to truly hate them, because like him, theyre simply a piece of natures web.

[fckmebarnes]

Hi, love! I just wanted to start this off by saying how much I love your writing. I look forward to seeing you on my timeline every time I open Tumblr. Everything you write is perfection, and it hits the spot EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. <3

This isn’t an ask about Bucky (unfortunately), but I just wanted to talk to about you something. You’re a lesbian, and for a long time in my life I’ve identified as a lesbian, but now I’m constantly questioning it. I’ve been seeing so many videos recently that people who find men attractive or have crushes on fictional and unattainable men cannot identify as lesbian because it’s a man they find attractive, and it’s really been messing with my head. :(

I feel like I’m not accepted in my own community, and it hurts. I love women and wish to spend the rest of my life with one. I still find men attractive, but there are no romantic feelings involved at all. I’ve dated men in the past, but it always felt superficial, and I would constantly think back on my exes who are women or how much I wished that they were women instead. Every relationship I’ve had with a woman has been so wonderful and the best relationship I’ve ever had. I was in a relationship with a man this year, and during that relationship I thought I loved him and had feelings for him. I was heartbroken when we broke up because he unfortunately treated me horribly, and I didn’t understand why anybody would treat me that way after I did everything for him, but now that I’ve moved on and healed, I don’t understand why I was with him or what I saw in him. During our 4 months together, I constantly thought back to my previous relationships and how a woman has never disrespected me like that, and they would never. I caught myself constantly thinking of my ex-girlfriends and how much I missed that feeling of being loved by a woman.

I feel like I’m struggling to accept that I really am a lesbian. Everybody in my family is straight, and I feel like the odd one, and you might think it’s weird that some random girl is in your asks talking about this, but you’re one of the only lesbians I know, and you’re older than me and have a lot more experience in the world. I’m only 18, but I’ve always known that I like women, but I’ve constantly been unsure about men. I think maybe if I were bisexual, I would feel better because I would still be liking men and fit in more with my family, but I don’t resonate with that title.

I’m so sorry if this made you uncomfortable at all; that was not my intention, and you don’t have to reply if I’ve overstepped your boundaries. I didn’t mean to send a whole-ass essay and dump everything onto you. I just thought you would understand more than anyone. I also wanted to say Happy Pride Month, and I hope that you have an amazing Pride! :)

hi love! first of all thank you so much! i am so sorry it took me a few days to get to this — friday was so overstimulating for me :(

second of all — i completely understand where your worries and anxieties are coming from. lately, i’ve been seeing so much slander on lesbians especially during pride month — for those lesbians like us who are attracted to a celeb or a fictional character. it’s strange and it doesn’t make many sense — especially when (for example) i myself have decentered my life around men almost completely. (save for work)

you thinking back to your ex and having those thoughts are exactly what i thought when i was with my ex. tldr — he was an abuser & SA’d me daily (even on our very first date.) . i had to get high just to deal with him. he was incredibly insufferable and still is to this day. back then i was young, i was 19, and thought that’s what i had to do — to be with a man to feel accepted.

i had girlfriends before that, even in high school and i always felt the same as you — it was completely different. i’ve been with my girlfriend for three years now and the very first moment we started talking, it felt like it was real — like i had just woken up.

the experience lesbians go through when they finally find out they are into women and not attracted or need men — i feel is an experience not a lot of people go through. comphet is SO fucking rough, and for a while i felt i was going through that. he was me “exception” when in reality im a fucking raging lesbian.

a lot of my family on my sperm donors side are homophobic and transphobic (including my sperm donor) so i totally get the feeling of feeling like an outcast. since i was a kid my sperm donor and his side piece would always pressure me about getting a boyfriend, having ‘safe sex’ (they just wanted to slut shame me and embarrass me) and when i was going to settle down. bitches didn’t even care i was 15 getting groomed by a 19 year old 😭 it was always them pushing heteronormativity onto me at such a young age but here i am…and noticing how they were really opened my eyes that not even my parents have my best interest at heart.

sorry i rambled there…but i totally just understand what you’re feeling and it can be really tough, especially not having irl queer friends. i’d say look around your community, join some groups if you’re going to college. look for events around if you’re in a city/state that’s safe.

and interact as much as you can with queer spaces online, i am always here for you and anyone else that needs anything 🩷

[sideblogforquery-argh]

People are not using pronouns, using wrong words, but I don’t remind anyone verbally. TW: Su1cide, s3lf h4rm, anorex1a mentions.

TLDR at bottom, I appreciate if anyone reads this or has any advice. Other key points in bold.

I’m sorry this is so long, and I promise this is about nonbinary stuff, but there are Complications, if you will:

1. Autistic doormat. (Professionally diagnosed)

2. Anxious and hates confrontation of any kind.

3. Chronic pain that stops me from going places and doing things.

4. Long history of depression, anxiety, s3lf h4rm, su1cide attempts.

5. Speak in a high pitched voice (not natural, forced again by anxiety of being viewed as competent and mature and not having my limitations taken seriously)

6. Have feminine mannerisms.

7. Have a very slight build and feminine features.

8. I have not had IRL friends for ten years, or online friends for about six.

9. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

10. Underweight, low key restrictive eating disorder (I will gladly maintain current weight, but comment on my body, eating habits or try to feed me more and the anorex1a says Hello. Also maintaining low weight to avoid “filling out” as much as possible in breast area.)

I’m 25 and nonbinary. I’ve known I was nonbinary since 2014/2015. I had come out verbally to my mom many years ago, maybe around 2017. Came out to brother via a written sign on my door and then a short verbal confirmation in late spring last year. At my high school graduation last year (age 24) I had my write up read aloud by the principal include “I look forward to being my authentic enby self” and I wore a pronoun pin and necklace. My grandparents were also at the ceremony. I reactivated my Facebook account and posted an artistic image and write up explaining my pronouns, name, etc. I have a variety of pride and pronoun items, pins on my backpack, a They/Them pronoun necklace, a keychain. I usually have some sort of sign declaring my pronouns and sometimes my name on my door. I even attended my local Pride parade and festival last August with my mom. Also since coming out I have explored neopronouns and I like to use Ae/Aer for myself.

Now, as mentioned at the very top, I am a doormat. I hate being bother, I have had huge mental and physical health challenges. I always want to help, to do things, I’ve been trapped at home with no pain free or easy way to go into town. I’ve been alone for a very long time, not attending school, and then trying to do it by myself online. I am also AFAB and I generally don’t present in a “gender non-conforming” matter. (Put in quotes because I am not a girl) Just the other night, there was a talking head on the news who’s name was Tiana* and my mom gleefully exclaimed “her name is Tiana*, she has the same name as you! You almost never hear anyone with the name Tiana*!”

ANYWAYS, to the point, I can never manage to bring myself to verbally remind anyone to use my pronouns. I can’t discuss my dysphoria with anyone, including my counsellor, which has really increased in the last few months. My counsellor had to be told what gender dysphoria is, and he’s trying but I don’t feel comfortable talking to him about it. My PMDD is also not only making my mental health in general really mad, but increasing my gender dysphoria. I have tried birth control for this, and it resulted in a suicide attempt.

I came out a year ago now to the wider family network / world, but it feels like everyone has completely ignored that fact. I came out of the closet, but a new, iron maiden style one has been built around me by anyone and everyone who perceives “me.”

I put “me” is quotation marks because it’s not actually me that anyone is seeing or talking to, it’s the mirage of a past person. I just feel so weak and pathetic, I don’t speak up for myself, I just let it happen. I don’t exist, not according to how I am referred to my people the vast majority of the time. They/them does get used at home frequently, but more often it’s my birth name. I’ve gone through waves of uncomfortable indifference to just feeling really shitty, having an abuse of use of that name, where now I am starting to not feel neutral but dislike it. It’s always, “Tiana* this”, and “it’s in Tiana’s* room,” “I think Tiana* has it, don’t you?”

I just feel hopeless. I don’t see myself ever being able to exist as actually myself. If I can’t remind my family in my safe home to use my pronouns; or that I want to use a different name, OR that (body pain permitting) I’d probably like to have my breasts and nipples removed; how am I supposed to reminded anyone else? The massage therapist, the doctor, the other pain specialist, the orthopaedic surgeon, the counsellor, the psychiatrist, the osteopath, anyone and everyone who I’ve ever met before who just, “she/her’s” and “Tiana*’s” me.

*Tiana is not actually my name, it is used for example purposes only.

TLDR: I have a variety of visual objects and signs that describe my pronouns and nonbinary-ness, but I have almost never reminded anyone verbally to use my pronouns and that I am not a girl. The most I can do is squeak out “they” quietly. How can I actually be brave and speak up for myself for once?

[quantum-temporal-anomaly]

Game DevLog #0

tldr a bunch of preamble, introduction and context

Heya, im Tracy, or Quantum Temporal Anomaly(depending how "Human" u want to see me atm) ive been makin drawings online for the past 7 years!!! IM OLD :D (either that or i was online far too young)

im not a master at any craft yet, but ive spec'd into Drawing(krita, photoshop,Clip Studio,paint, debatably Ibis Paint), 3D Modeling(blender), a wee bit into HTML and CSS(Brackets), 3d printing(Ender 3 and CR10), could talk about most of those at a reasonable proficiently

ive only recently got into Godot some time last year, after learning very VERY barebones Unity(and Scratch...less said about that the better) in senior year of highschool and kinda been on and off with it since. although its been more than a year since i first picked it up, in reality ive only dedicated like, a bit more than a month of days to Godot.

so im still very much a novice when it comes to godot and programming in general, but ive been slowly learning!!

so far, ive been thinkin up of a game inspired by MegaMan Network transmission/Rockman WS but with less limitations of the hardware it was made on(although now through the limitations of a dude who has no clue how to code!!), i wanna see the chip system+platforming be fulfilled to at least an image of it's fullest potential!

(also maybe ill take some stuff here and there from MMX)

what do i have to show for my efforts?

whole lotta nothing... BUT if there is no hope, what do we have at all!

we have something!!! spaghetti code, sure. could be better, absolutely. i have restarted the project from scratch like, seven times? this time ive gotten the furthest! basically ""final"" movement code+MMX Dashing, and the foundations to an actual Chip system!!

ill be making more dev logs, probably on me cleaning up some stuff so i can write out my though processes and struggles

the player script is functionally a giant 270 line mess rn BUT i know why, i didnt use composition..

i dont have much lore for this character bc rn theyre functionally a blank sleight bc i dont want to commit my actual characters to this.

PS im running Godot 3, i hate the tile mapping system in Godot 4 and idk why its like that. i heard it better for 3D games but it does suck missing out of new features..

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS OR ADVICE GO PLEASE SEND EM MY WAY

or if you want to chat about any of the before mentioned interests go for it, would be nice to make friends with peeps from the Game dev/ godot community

[slasherlaurie]

Hi everyone, your friend Laurie is back!! I don’t really know how to start this so I’m getting right into it but summary for babes who cbf (honestly same lol). If you’re the anon who kept popping into my inbox with kindness in the months I was gone PLEASE read the edit at the end.

TLDR: I’m back and I’m writing again! Things will be different but I’m figuring it out as I go. Hope you stick around <3

First of all, I’d like to apologize for my months of disappearances with no explanation. I know that was probably very frustrating for people who had requests or were waiting for more posts. Since the start of this year I’ve been horribly overwhelmed with irl stuff which I won’t get into for the sake of keeping heavy subjects out of this update, but I’ve finally been able to get some free time to get back to the things I love. Which moves me onto the next talking point.

I really have missed this blog and writing, but I think I need to go about it a different way. I put too much pressure on myself to fulfill requests without flaw and in a timely manner that I pushed myself into burnout, and so I’ve been thinking about how to do this the past couple of days. First of all, I’m deleting all requests in my inbox while I figure out what I wanna do. My inbox will still be open for a little while, but please don’t expect me to get around to it. I likely won’t do all of them, but I will make a post about it if I do stick with a request. I’m sorry to anyone who had a request or something in my drafts, I understand if this is upsetting.

I think from now on I’m mostly going to post when I’m inspired, maybe every once a month or so on average. The time pressure of someone waiting for me to churn something out really turned me away from writing so at least for a while I’m going to be completely unscheduled with my posting. Again, I’m very sorry to anyone who had a request in.

As well as this, I’d taken a BIG break from dead by daylight. Not only because of the irl stuff I mentioned making me too busy, but also because I kinda lost my love for the game and the characters. Thankfully, my feelings about it have been rekindled, and I’m really excited to return to the community.

Lastly, to my friends I’ve made through this blog. I’m so so sorry for disappearing and cutting people off, I know it doesn’t excuse it but I’ve been so socially overwhelmed the past couple of months that I’ve neglected to keep up with my online friends. I hope you can understand I wouldn’t have ghosted anyone without warning if I could’ve, but the circumstances made a lot of things extremely stressful at the time.

Sorry for this post being a bit serious, I’m not really sure how to cover everything without sounding like a bunch of excuses otherwise. Also I wrote this in my notes app at like 2am and copy pasted it here so I apologize for the messy format 😭 ily all and I’ve missed you!

edit: To the anon who kept leaving supportive messages in my inbox despite my absence, I appreciate you beyond words you are a REAL one <333 Whoever you are ilysm and I’m so sorry I didn’t see them earlier!!

[rantceratops]

Don't really know where else to put this so just gonna vent a little.

I've been a vegetarian for three years, but since breaking down and having some spiral ham this past December, I keep occasionally having meat, though perhaps still more often than I'd like. Spiral ham is pretty much a thing we have once, maybe twice a year, and it's one of the few meats I could honestly say gives me intense desire to eat it when I smell it cooking.

But tbh... I still feel like I don't want to eat meat. I could honestly take it or leave it. I think at this point I'm only eating it because I deeply missed the sheer convenience of it, as every fucking thing has meat in it and I exhausting sometimes. I genuinely don't crave meat, I was able to stop eating it pretty much cold turkey(no pun intended), and I'm just feeling really disappointed in myself for flushing my three years down the drain over one thing and just continuing to flush it down due to laziness/convenience.

It's not that I think meat tastes nasty, I just simply don't think I need it? It doesn't make me feel more ill nor healthier to not eat meat, I feel the same regardless of which diet I pursue. I see so many conflicting reports and rants about whether it's truly healthy for us to go with or without meat, but tbh I think it's just different for everyone, some of us can be fine as vegetarians and some of us can't, and that's alright.

But because I can perfectly go without it, I feel so so bad for slipping off after three years. I could understand if I had only been one three months and slipped up, but three years? (I keep telling myself "A little bit of meat every so often is still good." But tbh? It IS good, but I still don't think it's what I want.)

I stopped eating meat for, in order of importance: climate change, animal suffering and shitty factory farms, and for health in some much smaller capacity. (I have no intentions of ever being vegan, fyi, I think that's just going too far and frankly vegans themselves drove me away from it, as I almost came a hair of being full vegan at first. Nope.)

I don't know. I'm just rambling a little. Note that I don't think there's anything wrong with those that eat meat nor do I think it's my place to tell people what to eat, this post is purely in regards to myself and my feelings.

TLDR;

I've been a vegetarian for 3 years but since the ass-end of December I keep eating a little meat here and there purely out of convenience and I feel terrible about it. I think I want to go back to full vegetarian because I don't feel like there's any real benefit to me eating meat since I mostly don't crave it or feel like I'm missing any nutrients or anything from it.

(I guess I also have been frustrated with my vegetarian diet because I find it hard to find healthier, non-processed ways to feed myself, or quick everyday meals, etc. Basically despite having been vegetarian for years I still feel so lost on how to be better.)

[calysteg1a]

mmmm so. hi, info.

to those who knew chiyoso, hi i'm back <3 for the ones who don't, hello to you too. if you were actually looking for a list of what i write or don't, click this link from my old blog and scroll down to production. happy reading :3

right then.

the reason for my return is simple. i have too many stories and fantasies lined up in my head and writing's always been my outlet. that, and the hardwork i did on chiyoso (edits, layouts, etc) haunts me to this day chanting “how could you leave us and lose all that progress!!!!” i often feel like shit giving up on it cause genuinely, but ik thats not who i am.

the following content below will serve as a bit of lore and context for anyone and everyone that is curious.

the main mistake i did being chiyoso before, was striving to please the masses without any regard of my own desires and neglecting my physical wellness and mental health.

the many likes and engagements i kept receiving, words of encouragements and the fact that people wanted more from me - from my mind that won't freakin' shut up. that was probably my first exposure to a dopamine rush from my own actual effort, which set my people pleasing tendencies ablaze. the attention became exhilarating.

...until i made this story. something that sparked the growth of that account. the goal of that story was to bring anticipation and an open ending to have the readers imaginem also because ending a story was really damn difficult for me. (it still is) so, i opted for that choice.

and it. did. well. i was satisfied and i was so very proud of it.

then several people - of good will ofc, asked for more, wanting a sequel of it and uhh... i caved in. lil ol' 18 - 19 yr old me was struggling very much annnd she could not handle the silence when the clicks and reblogs had died down. not to mention, the like to reblog ratio. the fact that your posts get shadowbanned for no fucking reason?

more bots, less appreciation of fiction, the ai-fication of your work cause people can't wait for the next chapter?

ugh and i witnessed it not only in my pieces, but others too. so much writers were leaving, and it just went downhill for the writing community around that timespan, especially with the introduction of chatgpt.

but going back to the mara's will. i made a sequel yes, but i was just honestly forcing myself. it took so long to work on it but in the end, i ended up archiving it despite the several month effort i put in that fic. i think it had 6k words or maybe even longer to the point where my phone would lag.

working on that sequel made me depressed as hell and spiraled me into a burnout, which also led me to putting a hiatus on so much drafts and ended up never touching them again. it was a just a falling domino of negativity and bam. writing became such a toxic thing for me temporarily.

thus... the pieces i did after the mara's will was made with sudden bursts of inspiration, lust or sadness and i'd stay up overnight trying to finish them because i'm aware that the sudden rush wouldn't be consistent like how i want it to be.

that gojo wedding smut i did? that was a product of both arousal and sadness. the fic for wanderer's birthday? COMPLETE SHEER DEVOTION AND YEARNING BABY.

my herrscher of death series? my growing god complex lmao.

cynosure's ascendance? born from a complete disregard of my sexual comfort from a past lover i once had. (its the reason why the mc is unhinged asf and im still debating if i should continue it or not.)

all of these were impulses and from a big rush of heavy emotion, which... disappeared after i worked on my stories for a few days n go into a burnout again.

tldr and moral of the story: i'm just gonna write whatever i want and fuck all to the like count or lack of interactions.

[mounfaivy]

A Look Back Into the Past

ENTRY #10: A LOOK BACK INTO THE PAST

Dear Self,

Hi, it's me. I'm you from the future. If I wrote this tomorrow, it would have been exactly 2 years and 2 months since my last journal entry. A lot has happened, and we've changed so much-- for better and for worst.

I want you to know that the struggles you went through - all the mental instability, the anger, the despair - they are all valid. Like we had suspected the entire time, it was ADHD. We're different from normal people, and that's ok.

Just a quick TLDR of the past two years:

Grade 9 was the worst year in terms of mental health. We struggled a lot with both family and personal relationship issues. There was even a time we almost cut off our friends. Our passion also shifted from physics and programming to chemistry. Not because we love it, but because we forced ourself to like it simply because we're "good" at it.

Grade 10 was a journey. It had both ups and downs, but most importantly, it was full of discoveries. First quarter, we developed romantic feelings for the first time. Unfortunately, it was on the wrong guy. Third quarter, same thing. Initially we thought it was gonna last but it didn't. The guy's a red flag; we just didn't know about it. Thank goodness we broke up with him.

Right now, it's the summer break just before Grade 11. In two weeks, we'll be back to school again. Honestly, I can't wait. I want to study more-- I want to compete more. A lot of doors are opened in Grade 11. We can do it.

...To be honest, I'm scared. So, so, so scared. I don't know how to do my SCALE. I still haven't done my SIP. Although they say that we don't have to worry about failing SIP because the lowest grade ever given was a 7 (or was it 8?) out of 10 and no one has failed in the history of CLC, what if -- just what if -- that will be me? And I won't get to graduate??? I know it's unfounded, but still--- I'm so so scared.

I was supposed to study today but I ate a second pill yesterday (Ritalin LA 20mg; ADHD meds) at 5PM. Because of that, I didn't sleep until 0830 the next morning. I slept until 1400 and have not done anything productive ever since. It's 1737 and I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll try writing a short fanfic again.

Well, best of luck to tomorrow, I guess. Since school is coming soon, I'll have to do double time on my advance studies, especially Chemistry. I hope we can finish majority by August 3.

Yours Truly, Yvette Future Chemist

Date: July 23, 2024