#tjhis is how i grieve

[deadduvznap]

anyways

since ace walks around shirrless it yall fuck and you scratech his abcl he sti;; refucses tp pit a shirt on and walks around with his back out and all the shit on displat and he thinks it not a big deal

[sams-venting]

Ough ok, today's eaps episode really Got to me and boy I was not prepared

I find it interesting, that the things that would trigger and harm other people, I love to seek out as a hobby. Shock sites, well made args, real life disappearances in the woods, existential conspiracy theories, etc. shit my schizo ass Really shouldn't be indulging but I do anyway for the sillies even tho it triggers persecutory hallucinations (please for the love of God don't do as I do). I find morbid and gorey shit fascinating

but then you just, have something simple as a 'make a wish kid' concept in a silly little VRC rp. and. it really fucks with me

because like, I'm never Not aware of how little time I have left. I am constantly under the ticking tower of death. Everyone talks about graduating college, getting a career, getting married, being able to live on their own. and I?-

I am just stuck. I'll maybe get to accomplish One of these and that's it. Knowing that I most likely won't live to see my 30s. And in two more months, the clock ticks down to 6 years left. 6 years till I develop bone marrow cancer or skin cancer from my immunosuppressant. And that's assuming that I survive till then, the never ending surgeries that remove my organs piece until there's nothing left; assuming I don't catch a skin or respiratory infection that everyone else can fight off except for me; assuming that I don't resume trying to overdose like I should've done when I was 14, before the universe decided I was a parasite it had to slowly kill off; assuming I survive living in a sundown town; assuming I don't die in a freak accident like a normal american on the highway; assuming I don't give into the impulse to do opiods to escape the neverending pain; assuming I'm able to get my shit together and take care of myself without having some needing to intervene before I literally wither away; etc. I could keep going about how the former prognosis is infact a positive outlook by all calculations.

Surprisingly, I've come to terms with this a few years ago. It's not a big deal. Well I mean it is, but it's nothing that can't be worked around. Everyone lives on borrowed time, we are never promised tomorrow anyway. The wise say to live like very day is you last, and whether I like it or not, I have the most reason to follow that compared to the average Joe

But what they don't tell you, is that, you never go through the grieving process once or twice. When you know your time is going to be up in less than a decade, it doesn't Ever stop. You just suffer the same stages over, and over, and over, and over again. Till you're fine. and then the next day your brain decides the last dozen times wasn't enough, time to process the state of our mortality all over again :) bc why not :) :) fml in particular ig

And honest to God that is the worst part of this all. It's not the colonoscopies, it's not the endoscopies, it's not the surgeries, it's not the thousands of needles that I've been stabbed with to the point where I can rate nurses like it's doordash. It's the grieving process that won't stop repeating once you know you're going to die

Anyway I just- I don't even know if I can finish the episode, and I'm only a few minutes in. This might honestly be the first video I'll ever have to skip. and it's SO FUCKING STUP:ID. Like I can go through all of this other bullshit jsut fine and not bat an eye, but THIS, THIS IS THE BREAKING POINT??? Fucking pathetic. I hate myself so mcuh tjhis is so stupid and I hate it. I think what I hate most is how I can never fucking get over myself. boo hoo so fcuking what. Just push through and stop being a limp dick coward for two mcfucking seconds. It's not even real, are we really gonna get our panies bunched up over pixles ona fucking screen? Is this Really the level we want to stoop to? Fukcing piece of shit good for nothing idiot.

It's not like I don't know Why it affects me so badly. It's all so stupid but I Know why. For fucks sake, I got body slammed into fnaf as a whole to cope with the fact my grandma literally got admitted to the hospital for emergency brain cancer surgery on the hour of Thee solar eclipse that happened in April. When she got admitted to hospice in May and we were dealing with the funeral, obsessing over the dca and later solar lunacy and TSAMS was the only thing keeping me sane.

Words cannot describe accurately just how fucked it is not only to watch someone else lose their mind as they're dying (and knowing that one day that's going to be me, and that's the future I have to look forward to), but also get slapped with traumatic flashbacks from my own medical procedures. It's almost funny in a twisted way how the simple smell of saline solution and cleaning alcohol can fuck a guy up. Istg I've never had my surgery scars impossibly itch in the worst way possible except when I'm around it in recovery wings.

Honestly I wish none of it affected me. Not to be selfish on main or anything, I'm just sick of wasting wasting what precious little time I have on pissing and moaning over things no one can change.

Maybe I'll be in a better headspace to watch EAPS later tomorrow or something. Hopefully. I despise the idea of trauma having any control over what I do and don't do in my life, and if there's one thing anyone should know about me, it's that I live on pure spite. Nothing will stop me istg, even if it kills me. People identify as male or female, and then you have me, certified stubborn little shit supreme

P.S. If you know who I am, don't bother trying to contact me outside of this post. I'm making it 'anonomus' bc I don't want ppl pussy footing around with sympathy or any of that bs. It's not wanted, and I hate the simple concept of being treated differently just bc I'm medically fucked. I can't stand ppl throwing pity parties for me. I ain't got time for that shit. literally. Also I already have hives and a migraine from crying while venting, don't make me relive these emotions please

Anyway, this is your local lunatic signing off. I've got fanfiction to write before I die, and I refuse to kneel to fate until all 3 of my main projects are finished - Winter

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