#tinysignificantrambles

[quietpinkpersonette]

Update

Tw: Depressing themes, to an extent, under the separator thingy

The year is 2024 and my life has been a whirlwind. I have struggled with depression for w while now and more often it has occurred to me that I might not live to see my 25th birthday. My source of sorrow is my parents. I do not want to live like this. I think this isn't good. I have lost a friend, I do not know why. I refuse to love. I have made a friend. I want diamonds and pearls. I treasure writing. What is next? One of the earliest times I have wanted to be dead I was between the ages of 8 to 10. My parents make me want to kill myself. I like immersive sounds. I want to be kid. I need to be considerate. It is all I have. I want my clothes, the neat. formal ones to go to my best friend. My writings can go to my dear friends. My accessories go to my companion in crime. I wrote this on paper and copied it here. 🍓~ Out.

[quietpinkpersonette]

Losing and Gone

I keep losing myself. I'll be grounded, I'll have me, and I'll be secure in my own thoughts, but a cornerstone in my brain will start to rattle loose, and I'll lose myself again. In all frankness, for years it has been self-instilled within me that I cannot succeed, and I am destined for death. I wish for hope, for growth and for change. I want to live. I need to be better in order to be capable of living. I need to become a better person, the epitome of humane perfection.

🍓~ out.

[quietpinkpersonette]

Mood is

reading wattpad to distract from period cramps

[quietpinkpersonette]

Bleak

I've been feeling lost, I don't know where to move on to. I feel inferior more than anything

[quietpinkpersonette]

Status Feels

Sadness, Hatred, Depression: Rekindled

[quietpinkpersonette]

I can't help it

Today, during an otherwise peaceful moment comprised of working with math and graphs and using my brain and sitting in a well lit room (thanks to my 2(two) lamps) and being constantly distracted, out of the blue and inadvertently and unadvertised and unexpectedly I lost myself. Out of NOWHERE I just got L O S T and in my head, empty as it is I yelled, I never yell, I yelled "WHO AM I?!" BECAUSE IN THAT MOMENT I HAD FOCUSED SO HEAVILY THAT UNFOCUSING LOOSENED MY GRIP UPON REALITY. BUT SOMEHOW IT BROUGHT ME INTO A STATE OF REALIZATION AND SELF QUESTION! I have only ever learned not to question myself, as of late, to only want to be and have that suffice but being dislodged from my tiny cage of existence threw my mind INTO TURMOIL! INTO TURMOIL! and now I find myself asking who I truly am to b e and what I should present myself as. Because the fact is this, and it is so, I feel like an empty shell of a human who may only thrive in the presence of those I revere. And because it is so I can only stand to wonder how to exist. So, remembering my sanctuary and my place of uninterrupted being I came here. I came to visit Kokobot. I came and realized that the world curated with me in mind on Tumblr was an answer, to all the likeness that made me and makes me and realizes and manifests me into the wondrous and wonderful being I am. I can't help it.

[quietpinkpersonette]

Tired

Tired am I hauugh I sigh Tired of labor Tired of wear Tired of here Tired of there Tired of experience Tired of pain Tired of fear Tired of vain It is void and it is empty That I seek out proximity For bestowed unto me Remains great disappointment 🍓~ Out

[quietpinkpersonette]

Time moves in a Year

It's been a year, with the doodles, but it hasn't been a year with the Nightly Chronicles, soon it will be, and this whole time is a testament to how I am a human worthy of love and a better future.

[quietpinkpersonette]

To be a year

It has almost been a year since I discovered a beautiful way to cope.

Life's better now. And that goes to show that time can say things and really, only time will tell. A year ago I thought there was no hope and that I'd be trapped in the same depressive slump and cycle not to the point I'd try and end my suffering despite entertaining the thought.

I coped and pulled through and now, almost a year later I can say my feelings have changed. Empty words such as 'every cloud has a silver-lining' won't be of much muse before the situation has gotten better. It is nearly impossible to look from a different perspective when our troubles run deep.

But it's been a year and things have changed and to be a year in the future things are better.

🍓~Out

[quietpinkpersonette]

I am grateful for the fact that my friends are *patient*. Like, really patient, like I can annoy them for one hour and thirty five minutes and they just, not yell at me. I love them.

But you know what I *don't* love? The fact that I'm not as patient, with myself and others. But that can be fixed. I definitely deserve good thinks in my life, despite my numerous short-comings. And maybe, probably, perhaps even definitely, you do too.

[quietpinkpersonette]

Yes

September oh September Honeyed happy days shall I remember A month of peace A month of hope Shing like stars from an outer reach With my stressful states I have started to cope Free of sorrow And free of bitter feelings of mine Eager for tomorrow Myself I find Better than the months And bettering the years September brings me mirth From far to near September oh September

[quietpinkpersonette]

You know...

Whenever my friends and family and brothers and sisters in the congregation speak of life in the paradise, they always mention normal things.

Speaking with people who have been resurrected such as, Daniel, Job, King David- the list goes on.

Not fearing the animals no matter how ferocious they are today.

And all the important work to be done, preaching and teaching, building, gardening or/and farming, making clothes, and teaching practical things.

Living in beautiful, bright (kinda) tropical places.

All completely normal stuff.

THAT doesn’t do it for me

oh no no no

That’s too simple a life for me to live. To pure and enthusiastic. Personally, I like- love thinking about who I’m going to terrorize. In a kind manner of course, as there wont be any vile shenanigans in paradise.

Also, to find random people from random eras, trap them in a silly little room as I ask silly little questions.

Truly, I’ll do NO harm.

(Im never using something like that again)

But then again, what harm could I do? It’s really not too bad if you think about it.

Anyhow, I’ll hopefully live someplace in the mountains, with a cat. The cat comes with the house in the mountains.

I think I’d prefer shocking people with modern day things, preaching them rather than doing the work that helps sustain and societies and it’ll be quite nice.

Perhaps Im not, well, my views arent- as different as I thought and only time will tell what will play out.

Quietpinkpersonette out~

[quietpinkpersonette]

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

HOLD ON LIFE HAS GOT WORSE THINGS ARE GETTING WIERD AND WONKY AND OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MY GOD THIS CANNOT BE WHEEP WHOOP WHEEP WHOOP

There isnt any way

I thought 2022 should get worse

like

a war, coronavirus, natural disasters, feeling depressed, life being trash-like, getting covid, getting other unidentified sickness, death, it couldn't get any worse right?

But to top it off, and to end the year, bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep, (those arent cuss-words I just cant say this incase someone I know sees this acc).

I wish I could personally drop-kick 2022 off the face of all the earth

[quietpinkpersonette]

I dont know how to feel aiusvfjrkemfwvihejowk??

This post talks about religion and such topics so if you dislike that I recommend you skip this post.

????

Like I don't even know how to start?????

How do say this??

I don't know what I'm feeling omg.

I honestly never NEVER knew Baptists preach???

Like just 5 mins ago someone rang the doorbell and then my brother goes and answers it and he only finds this card with qr codes and a website and a tutorial. The tutorial doesn't work btw because if you read the Bible many of the things they have stated and tried to somewhat prove arent true when you actually study it, like they didn't even mention the verse. No hate tho.

When my brother brought the thing we were laughing for what?? Like not even trying be act like they were doing something wrong it's just like I've never heard of anyone who isn't one of us JW's or someone who is Mormon door to door preaching.