#tina kachoo

[peelmyonionandwipeyourtears]

My Moon

there are so many songs named after the sun.

there are many poems written about the moon.

the sun is far more provocative and volatile.

but necessary. comforting. healing.

a part of me always becomes whole again when the sun kisses me.

we are creatures dictated by light.

the moon is mysterious. a feminine force.

a mother of introverts. not always visible but her presence is constant. effortless. quiet.

Yet so damn loud is her light.

My Moon is on her own path, now.

She is living for herself, now.

She often reminds me of this when I revert back to a tender child.

I still need her light at times.

I imagine someday that someday,

I will be someone’s Moon.

[peelmyonionandwipeyourtears]

The beautiful things that happened

i cooked a meal, i gave you a bite, you brought me sticks you found. you painted one for me. you helped me carry an island i could have never done it without u, you walked over in the rain, but i picked you up, you pumped my gas for our drive the next morning. we didnt care, we went out in the rain. we got all wet. it was exhilarating. the rain hitting the metal roof. we ate bodega sandwiches. i asked for a bite of yours. and liked it more than mine. i'll order it next time. we watched shitty tv we went to bed we dried our clothes we made love before bed we made love before we woke. we woke up early, it was easy we listened to the audiobook and we sat in a cozy silence. sun rising. the roads were empty. brooklyn was asleep. new jersey was awake. we ate breakfast by the shore. we did some work you napped. i still get excited having you so close. we put together a menu we went to the store, you danced in the meat aisle, you searched for the relish. shouldnt it be where the ketchup is?  two racks of ribs, not really sure how to do this, using our best guess. but we got everything on the list.  we went to the beach, we saw our life across the atlantic, after the verrazano bridge.  it was cool. it tripped you out the colors were beautiful they sky reflected on your face it was beautiful we took pictures. it was awkward. im awkward. but then we looked at the photos and we liked them. you cut the membrane, you doubted yourself at first but then you were thorough and confident. we woke up and we ate boiled eggs. we made the potato salad. we cleaned the yard. we were prepared. we took breaks we made a mess we cleaned up. we said it felt good to do this thing together. we tasted the things we created we drank coffee and took a shot of whiskey. we had a party we took shots again, we shmoozed  you grabbed my butt. we bonded over our ribs in between. we went to the beach, we looked at the moon. we danced under the light. we talked about our love. i gained the courage to tell you that i want to do life with you. you never heard it that way before. said you want it too. we went out with my family. you had a mimosa with my mom. we toured the highlands, you pointed out the beauty. we went to the beach, you kissed me slow and told me you loved me before you went in the water. i watched you go all the way in, and laughed to myself. you didnt want to get your hair wet, but it happened. we ate junk food and watched junk tv, the last day together was nice. we walked and walked. we drank espresso and juice. we switched juices halfway through. we jogged. we went inside the hotel you worked on. you took pictures. you owned that shit. i loved it. i am proud of your work. you work hard. you’re talented. but you don’t like compliments. we had oysters, i sipped your margarita. we talked playfully and seriously. you told me to vote. you told me not to go into crown heights on labor day. and we left. 

and then you left  me without a word. 

[peelmyonionandwipeyourtears]

Uncle Snapple

the last 3 weeks have tasted like 

chalky coffee powdery vitamin C 

bitter liquidy Zinc

the cocktails I consume lately

are more about immunity and

less about the sweet taste of Escape

- 

the last 3 weeks have felt cold. Scolded 

if I turn the heat up too High 

because it’s Expensive.

lusting for Sun so I can bask and curl 

like a newborn Kitten in the bright warm patch.

curling as small as I can to Fit 

My Entire Body in the Light.

- 

this week has felt Sad

reminiscing about the people who

are put on our path.

not bound by blood but by chance

and you cling to one another you become family you call each other

by Familial names

like Uncle Auntie and Cousin. So

that you won’t have to explain the layered

Closeness.

- 

He didn’t make it he was by himself we were all in our homes 

thinking of him and them

the church sent his obituary

via google docs

people commented their condolences

all the generations

— we are adapting.

[peelmyonionandwipeyourtears]

The Homeless Wanderer

I have wide eyes like Ethiopia.

I want

To show you all of me but

I am too mean to myself in my mind.

It’s always interesting to see what results populate from

The aggressive filter in my mind.

I love Ethiopian Jazz.

It makes my heart wide and fertile,

Like if anything happened to fall in

a tree would immediately

grow.

I found a song

The Homeless Wanderer

I found a song

Homesickness

Universe feeds me patterns

And I notice it

And I eat it.

Because my heart is fertile and

I would like to surrender to it.

Today, my country burns and

I pretend not to look.

I let my lungs catch fire, I eat 

chocolate, I avoid.

The Amazon burned last year and

I prayed to the Mother God

for Divine showers.

The world burns and 

I pray to the Feminine God

for Divine peace.

I find my way back to

God, she lives in

side me.

Maybe we can all 

surrender

With wide and fertile hearts.

[peelmyonionandwipeyourtears]

I’m not special and magic doesn’t exist

I found a lady bug in my bed

I wasn’t scared until she

Expanded her wings

I got glimpse into the not so beautiful parts of her.

Before I knew you,

You ignored phone calls and disappeared into the night with me.

I know you now,

And you ignore my phone calls and disappear into the night with vague excuses and little explanation.

I’m not special and things don’t magically change for me and they won’t magically change for anyone.

I had my eyes closed underwater

My hair plunging and swimming for me

Like a jellyfish. I looked happy and peaceful.

I looked like I loved myself.

I want to be passionate and

I am not right now.

My breasts are swollen and my joints are

Inflamed from the rain and I ate too much pasta and

I haven’t brushed my teeth.

When things begin to feel routine and boring

I want to break it.

[peelmyonionandwipeyourtears]

Try another day

Are you proud?

No, I do not feel proud of

myself in this moment.

Because while they hide in their shell,

I persistently knock

Hoping that they will let me in.

And they don't so then I

Try another day,

another day.

another day.

Why am I even knocking?

Am I a stupid girl?

Who lacks awareness

when she is too hungry?

when she is too tired?

when she is too cold?

You are not wanted here. 

Don't try another day, 

Just go away.

[peelmyonionandwipeyourtears]

Become Thouself

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The soul self must dig 

deeper inside

In order to understand 

the other 

side.

The other side: 

as in

that thing

that is over the hill 

that you cannot see 

unless you change your path.

Because standing where you are 

will not serve you

And

the longer you wait 

the harder it will be

to get to the other side.

I’d rather see what the other 

side looks like.

Instead of dreaming about it for the rest 

of my life.

Plus -

There is only so much

of what

is inside me 

that

can

supplement me.

I will soon run out of hopeful things to tell myself

to keep me standing still.

—

Stiff knees and cobwebs growing over my nostrils, 

dust on my eyelashes.

That will be me.

Sun kissing my back,

butterflies whispering in my ear.

That will be me.

[peelmyonionandwipeyourtears]

Taste//Sound

What does vulnerability taste like?

The earth, sprinkled with sweat and cologne.

It is time for you to understand

That the way you wince and

moan when I dig my teeth into

You

makes my insides drip.

What does vulnerability sound like?

Exasperated, reactive, uneasy.

That sound possesses me.

Makes my ears perk up

Equal to rustling in the leaves

which awaits a terrified prey.

Soon to be locked in my jaw. 

That’s the sound I am looking for.

And in moments of hunger

I can’t help it.

I just can’t. 

Because I am deprived

of your sounds.

But if you insist.......

I will keep trying 

to resist the urge. 

[peelmyonionandwipeyourtears]

Underestimate me

Is it your side hobby

to underestimate me?

As if there must 

be something 

too good to be

true

about this story.

You want to

believe

my heart is

a whore.

As if there

must be

something too

good to be true

about me 

loving you.

What do you think?

This is a game?

You think

it's

easy for me to

jab myself in

to the hook

of this fishing rod

and

.

.

dangle like

.

.

live bait

.

.

Waiting to be 

rejected

eaten alive

chewed up

spit out

By you.

What do you think?

This is a game?

I can't actually

help that

I love you.

And that it's you.

Just you.

You.

And the fact that

this has

never

happened

before.

This thing

never worked

for me

before.

And that its

so

damn

difficult

near

impossible

for me to

pretend.

And even when I tried

to pretend

because, yes, I’ve tried,

thinking it was my only option

and when i tried,

the

pretending

made me

physiologically

cringe

and I decided I'd

never want

to see the

associated party

ever again in

my life

because of

how unnatural

they made

love feel

to me.

And with you

it's as instinctual

as

my ability to

breathe eat sleep.

And now that movie I watched when I

was 22 makes sense.

"Le cœur veut ce que le cœur veut."

Because I cannot

help it.

[peelmyonionandwipeyourtears]

i.e. intuiton

Silence speaks louder than words when there is something to tell.

If you’d just take a moment to observe the space around you, you would see that your muteness is LOUD.

It is screaming at me.

And it makes my chest tight and it makes my organs travel all the way to my esophagus.

Emotional intelligence is not romantic.

Intuition is not magical.

It is constant confusion.

[peelmyonionandwipeyourtears]

Ellipsis

I understand.

It's like...

More than just

giving up the drink.

You romanticize the

bar the way

I romanticize

sitting in sunny

coffee shops

alone.

It's romantic.  

Isn’t it? 

It's like...

'You' time.

A form of silent camaraderie.

With yourself

The beauty of being your own friend,

and being everything that you need

on your own.

The fuzz of the bar makes it nice.  

Like, a home outside your home.

Maybe more home

than previous homes.

So...

I think it is more than giving up the drink.

It's like...

You're saying goodbye to an old friend...

that you've known your entire life.

Like...since your adolescent years.

The most shaping and foundational

years of your life.

But now, it's like...

Your relationship has

evolved in

complicated ways.

And maybe you're not so good for each other

anymore.

And maybe you don't agree on

so much anymore.

Because, people change

and outgrow each other.

And, really,

that's okay.

But you've known each other for so long

that maybe...

it would just be better

to keep it going...

ya know?

Like...a security blanket.

You feel better knowing that

they're there,

rather than, not at all.

Because then,

there will be

no way of

muting the

painful and uncomfortable

feelings.

So essentially...

It's like...

You're saying goodbye

to a

happy routine,

and all the characters

that come with it.

The bartenders who are now your friends,

the regulars who used to be strangers,

but are now your brothers

and your sisters.  

Goodbye to

the mysterious

wall you've built

around you.

Goodbye to

the solo display,

at the corner of the counter,

your crown down,

your knead drink

in hand.

And...

I get it...I do.

I understand...

And I've seen the

kicks and screams

that you let me see.

And I know there is

more that you do not let me see.

And I see your will and your heart

and they are strong and kind.

And it will be those parts of you

that foster your

legacy, 

and not 

the drink 

resting in your hand.   

[peelmyonionandwipeyourtears]

Protect the ones I love

Hancock ends where the library begins.

And if you make a left at the stop sign, you’ll find me.

Sitting outside the bar.

Because I’m not allowed inside.

I’m here, no device.

No buds to plug into my ears, 

to unplug me from this world.

My world.

To be plugged in is to be unplugged, 

essentially.

Phase 4, but the coffee shop isn’t open.

Not many places to escape.

I go through withdrawal 

sometimes.

I miss being out

and close to strangers and

inside of a place that isn’t 

my home. 

I want to buy a one way ticket.

I have a car now. 

There’s always a way back with her.

Campari on the rocks, with very little soda.

I miss shopping in real life.

Sometimes I browse e-com sites

but never seems worth it to

Complete the transaction.

Conversion strategies won’t work 

on existential thoughts.

I’m abandoning my cart now. 

Sorry. 

The world already ended, where am I going?

I’m learning how to say no lately.

Never realized how much I said yes,

When it meant no.

Ok, I’ll get to the point --

My stomach has been in knots, 

it travels to my spine

I am a rocket ship.

I don’t know if my build can adhere the count down,

can adhere the pre-take off check list

I might just shoot up before I am supposed to,

I may never make it to space

Because my wires are all crossed.

But I see it being a beautiful disaster. Beautiful from afar.

A disaster up close.

I’m in a funk. Maybe my funk

is the world’s funk.

Is there a way to be happy when the world is not? 

But I am finding ways. I am transforming, 

Metamorphosis.

Franz Kakfa type.

In my bed, I become my bed.

and in my bed

I pray, sometimes. If I remember to, 

before I fall lost into sleep.

I ask the divine to protect the ones I love.

And to protect the ones that they love. And to protect the ones that they love. And to protect the ones that they love. Until the protection reaches us all. 

[peelmyonionandwipeyourtears]

Beautiful Elaborate Mutual

Pull me close

Push you away

Pull me close

Push you away

Each time you find yourself closer

than the last time.

I pushed you away.

The dance of most lovers.

-

Is there another word

for beautiful?

No.  

My inner glossary

is simple.  

The word is beautiful.

The feeling is elaborate.

For

two humans

to act so

apprehensive and

tamed

so that

their actions are not

interpreted as

overeager.

-

The  

mutual thought

process.

Afraid and scared.

Anxious.

That may be

if she finds out

who he really is

and all the ways

he is broken

she will find

many reasons

why he is

un-loveable.  

But,

Maybe the new narrative

is

If you see what is broken in me,

you will find

many reasons

to love me.

-

The  

thought

process;

mutual.

It is okay

to be

afraid and then

slowly grow to be

un-afraid.

These things take time.

But I’ll be there to take

your pulse.

And maybe

someday, 

I’ll let you close enough

to take mine. 

These things take time.

[peelmyonionandwipeyourtears]

harmony recovery balance

Took a hit this morning because I am in need of different thoughts. 

I think the trick to it is to be intentional before going into it. 

I've never done an intention prior to doing it before, til today. 

and it has already taken my mind to many places. 

Distance solidified my existing excitement and anxiety. 

You mustn't be afraid. You mustn't be afraid.

You, afraid of doing the hurting, you, afraid of being the hurting. 

That's no way to live.

Focus on good. 

Things work out when you play it cool, 

you have no control of the process, but you trust it.  

But then once you have the thing 

that the process kindly rewarded you with 

you become afraid of losing it, 

and then you do the thing that scares the beautiful thing away. 

Control vs Surrender 

Fear vs Love

Just be it 

don't feed the fear that so often proves itself wrong.

Be the feeling in your heart. 

Be what you want. 

Stay away from grey areas.

Less “I don’t know’s” or “maybe’s”

More “Yes’s" and "No’s” 

Life is affirming and confident and absolute. 

You mustn't be afraid. You mustn't be afraid. 

Seeing someone on the other end is comforting. 

It can feel like they are there with you. 

It removes the distance between you. 

The actual kilometers. 

Being 91.1 kilometers away while angry feels so much further. 

So very far away. 

[peelmyonionandwipeyourtears]

days will be bad

there will be bad days

and the bad days

will be painful.

and in the bad days

you won't be your best.

no.

not

to yourself.

not

to the

ones you

love.

that's to be expected.

but then,

the bad days

will give you

heavy eyes,

with a heavy mind

to match.

and

the bad days

will be so

so so so

bad.

the day

will make you

want to give yourself up.

as a way, 

to be spared from a day's pain.

escape.

but then, 

it turns out that

escaping 

will

give you many,

many, many, many

more bad days.

then what you started with...

just,

let

it

be.