#thy lily for liking my silly visions

[catofthecanals289]

texting the boyfriend, inspired by this

[libidomechanica]

Untitled (“Towards your scissors and carcasses in the rest”)

Towards your scissors  and carcasses in  the rest, reclined his  economy,  and children? Or  ambition— both which  the passd as when  shall for 

both so bent into  the day, and  my jewel-sceptred  hart. Your works of marionettes,  by the  flies; but stared, to the  brow nature be  pervious, not one she says, “ Were talk for  my panting in times of  their ghastly, desolate,  and  all hoped to itself  and the supplied,  his God-knows-what:  for the wakes  me best world—sweet sleep. Those what  nest and opened each  one long life is but  short Metro ride, and pure,  beholding in the  leopards play and as  young herald came the  greatness had rise,” Ray; with  a starry  Hope! who was so  every car on  that sweet, O great her  music dying little  that she w as a justices  of these rarities  might cry for a 

century. Thou hast but like 

the Chicano cats  over a hunting even  these poor ’“twas he, with  your loves a  wretch of words you have such 

a deadly black cascade”  that I had a wound  and lovely idleness  and Feares, and  your own dear virtue hate,  hate of nastiness. That  would sell— all faithful as  well: the whole in  the hireling  westward up to Cynthia  he heart of blue  we watchful care of the  less it showers  it is a silly  blunders; on his  pence, and thou wilt swim naked  in constella, I  say nought Auroras Court, that  have paid few parish  day were where their  present sorrows?  Now will see despite  of vision, for  their buried grief is dim,  sorrow Ile wed; Despaire  to sleep: or w hen he came a  noose for ten long year:  so they might gusts will be  my new creating  praises, almost began,  hast thou ere were  two poachers kill; thinke of  eight of prophecies,  no chapel on the  deed he had made my bonny  sweetness  otherwise with  heart is his 

green, and twist; in  thy life and fall be  yours were a  factious phrase, bid Irelands  plague than to fa int in the change. Against  though seldom hearts  fill with his  canvas; then his spirits,  and what is  then cloud; instead of  pavement at the passing  by my fate; thoughts obscure  the matter of  the oak tree w hen he said: “I would be  warm he broken, blossoms  without a kindness,  I shall fetter happy  tomb;” and Oothoon, wanderer  dream, and they broken  lilies revive; inspired:  so my striped, and  somebody die?

[canecainkane]

Christmas Wedding Planner (2017): first 80 minutes

Okay so listen, I truly cannot cover this whole movie in one review, so I divided it up according to ridiculousness: the first 80 minutes versus the last 5 minutes, which made me shout at my TV more than any other three movies so far this holiday season.

Netflix Description: “A wedding planner's world is turned upside down when a handsome private investigator is hired to disrupt one of her biggest jobs.”

This description? Chock full o’ lies. Let me rewrite this for honesty:

“An apparently unemployed woman who wants to become a wedding planner's world is turned upside down when a ridiculously handsome private investigator is hired to investigate someone, which may disrupt one of her biggest jobs literally the only job she’s ever had as a wedding planner (which she’s doing pretty badly).” 

RATING: 

Candy Canes: w/out last five minutes: 4 out of 5; with last five minutes: 2

Confession: Despite the slew of online reviews calling this the worst Christmas movie ever made, the first 80 minutes almost fooled me. Was it silly, contrived, emotionally manipulative and predictable? Um, that’s what we mean when we say Christmas movie. But until the last five minutes clonked me over the head with a cast iron skillet of stupidity, I didn’t notice how much worse than average it was. I’m a simple woman and I was distracted by the bright, shiny production values, the weird/wonderful costumes and how goddamn glossy everyone’s perfect, perfect hair was.

Dean Cains: with hottie goggles on: 4 out of 5; goggles removed: 2

Let the record show -- I’ve been watching these movies for 25 years, and this is the first one I’ve ever seen with a male lead whom I find even remotely attractive. Slash actually kind of straight-up bangable? Is he an average or better actor? I really can’t even be objective. And triple that for Jacqueline Hudon: I’ve got a weakness for big-eyed coltish redheads. It’s like a chemical reaction. But objectively, the acting was pretty embarrassing ... especially Jocelyn Hudon who moves as compulsively as a hummingbird--twitching, simpering, fidgeting, so awkward and self-affected she’s always, like, a quarter-second away from staring directly at the camera. Whatever. I’ll still watch every Christmas movie she ever makes.

Citizen Kanes: 0 out of 5

The movie is called Christmas Wedding Planner. It was based on a Harlequin novel, and produced, mysteriously, by a company called “Brain Power Productions.” The prosecution rests, your honor.

TOTAL: 8! As long as you fall asleep five minutes before the end, and you happen to perfectly share my passion for Emma Stone-ish women & dudes who look like sexy, stubbly non-custodial parents.

Otherwise, 4. But at least it’s not a boring 4 -- it earns that 4 by being truly, magnificently terrible.

WTF Moments:

*A two-fer with these screenshots: they tell you everything you need to know about the plot AND about Jocelyn Hudon’s aggressive facial mugging. 

Actually, a three-fer: yes, that’s just a straight-up gift-wrapping ribbon tied around her neck for some reason, and no, that’s not the only ... ruffled tea saucer (??????) that’s perched precariously on Kelly Rutherford’s head throughout this movie.

*Seriously, look at this bullshit they stapled to her gloriously glossy mane:

Sorry, babe, but until you evict that garbage crab from your scalp, you don’t get to judge other people’s decisions. (I mean, goddamn, costume department.That is Ms. Lily van der Woodson whose head you are besmirching. How DARE you?)

*My husband and I were trying to solve the mystery of Hallmark’s Charisma-Defying Troupe of Chinless Wonders and my husband put forth the theory: the men aren’t meant to be aspirational. They’re supposed to be exactly handsome enough that the potato-chip chomping, yoga-pants clad Christmas movie binge-ing viewer (self included, obvs) would say: “Yeah, y’know, realistically? I could get with that guy.”

He’s an insightful man. No idea how Stephen Huszan managed to slip through the rigorous hot-but-not-too-hot inspection, but I’m not complaining.

*Also, I just realized why I was immune to the sheer obnoxiousness of Jocelyn Hudon’s acting: I was inoculated from watching Karen Gillan’s almost identical performance in “Selfie.” I simultaneously love that show and die cringe death from the grating over-stylization.

*Of course, no movie would be completely without a cast of intriguing and pivotal side characters! Look at these five quirky characters who are in multiple scenes each! Each bridesmaid has her own distinct personality trait! The hilariously anal-retentive baker! A struggling restaurateur!

Okay now FORGET ABOUT THEM FUCKING IMMEDIATELY, because that’s what the movie does. Seriously, not one of these people has a storyline that comes back. Not even the restaurateur, who is the PI’s best friend / business partner and the caterer of the title wedding. NONE of the characters (including the bride!) has a storyline that goes beyond aiding & abetting the main characters’ love story. The closest we get to a B plot is persnickety baker using Eureka lemons in his cake (the fool!).

These characters have such meager internal lives that even the bride -- the person who gets the third-most screen time -- wanders around in a luded haze, totally ignoring her own (terribly unplanned) wedding so she can chummily grill her bff/cousin/wedding planner about her hot hook-up with said bride’s ex. Which, like, I barely even liked most of my exes while I was dating them, but if a friend of mine hooked up with one of my exes at my engagement party, I would 100% give their full contact information to every Republican candidate newsletter I could dig up.

*But forget the hottie ex-snatching -- bride should be scratching Kelsey’s eyes out for how badly she’s fucking up this wedding. If four days before my wedding, the wedding planner was STARTING to make her “vision board,” I’d be on Kayak booking tickets to Vegas. Drive-thru Elvis > $$$$$ wedding planned by a woman who apparently hasn’t even heard of Pinterest.

The timeline on the planning for this -- I cannot stress enough -- super elegant high society wedding:

8 days before: Throw an engagement party for the bride and groom; talk New York Times writer into covering the wedding and sell them photo rights without a contract

7 days before: Choose the wedding dress; caterer cancels but don’t book a new one -- it’ll probably work itself out; discover the bachelorette party has to be fully re-planned

6 days before: Teach the bride to bake so she can sweatshop up gingerbread wedding favors for 200+ guests; book a new caterer who has never done a wedding before but reassures you that: “yeah,” he “can probably do that”

5 days before: The groom’s parents throw a ... pre-wedding party for all the same guests who were at the engagement party and who will be at the wedding? (Sssshh, don’t think too hard about it.) Show up late and make out with the bride’s ex.

4 days before: Create a vision board for the wedding decor.

3 days before: Eh, the wedding’s pretty much in shape. Spend the day in a white van with binoculars, spying on the groom.

2 days before: Mope on your couch.

1 day before: Whatever.

Day of: Wear your non-matching bridesmaid dress, run a few errands while everyone is already at the church, then drop a truth-bomb that nukes the wedding! Wooooo!

Career self-sabotage, thy name is Kelsey Whatever.

*Though I have to give snaps -- the day-long stakeout was ridiculous, but I was glad that Kelsey and the PI (Hunter? Duncan? Vin? Honestly, he may be hot, but he still tumbled out of the same Cosmic Gumball Machine of Interchangeable Men as the rest of these Xmas hunks) actually spent time together. So often, these couples spill coffee on each other, then meet again in a tree lot, then talk about their dead parents during a snowball fight and it’s LOVE FOREVER after forty non-consecutive minutes together. So I appreciated that they spent a full day together and we could actually see them vibing.

“A Christmas movie couple that actually spends time together!” I thought. “A couple who gets to know each other instead of just ninja-kicking into an ill-conceived relationship!”

Haaaaaaaa. 

*I grabbed this picture of random street musicians because I thought, in my first-80-minutes innocence that this was going to be the most ridiculously extra moment all movie.

But, you know, cheesy Christmas movies are like the days we live: Each one is kind of special but, let’s be honest, mostly similar to what came before. We won’t remember the vast majority of them. They’re filled with mediocre men and cool women. And you never know, going into one, whether it might unexpectedly prove to be the best or worst of your year, or even of your life.

[libidomechanica]

But wanton in her eares to lose, the world, Id scorn my Brow

But wanton in her eares  to lose, the  world, Id scorn my Brow, and pitying  sadness now, I drop 

too soft and Dudu; in should  do not me tender the  stages but for ages,  where nothing blow: and 

Johnny do, perhaps a line you  must away, away, gone for  no one vent. Her foreheads like  a hardened ever-blooming 

his desire till to hear,  no not keep, and where the  lily, at evening. Love. Hed heart;  when past the 

pony there though ye be, whose quick  and be sad. He screech owl  to me your bed, the  horse that quiver to 

thy holyday above, which one  good cabinet that  fairest now; a love much beauty  down; hang it from men anywhere 

but the female  dress and made him down  while the street can wake to  the comforts quiet 

ribs of air, her idiot  boy! Whether hair; not the  paint “em, who call memory still  usherd in battle keen”— but 

always you do deceits, and  if on wings: from solitude  of fate, as soon be  than his pretty Peg, my 

fate, which is a tide in  rank and charms have done, thy once- lovd ideal Grace. So silly; but doubtless  penitence shower, and her 

future way (although my lord that  vowd chaste embrace, that  live enough that ever  less in the morning: 

and you gave Juannas breast. Blow of  her image on  the affairs of my Prosperity,  as the more. 

Which never cut from the  horses feeling? Growling  all her two conclude in romance  and Lion—let not 

the crowd the blue night on  my trespass, Silvia;  I confessed she rather way  to no earth as kiss 

his crooked at home. In such sweetly  endite; take me at once front  gate, please, improbable being blush which  thine eyes in your mother 

woman like Cassio, “an arithmetician,  blabbing over and  no white echo in an  empty, the walls 

and came with a twist  after line my gushing height thus,  thus defies, but stole on your memory  of such as in 

rank and nothing flames too late, either  used the Candian  warm in my eye, or follows  anchors weight, and the 

purchased to Juanna with  cunning lamps waned dim and  small clouds chase me the world, baring  sort, the light shot the 

shown” “lucus a non lucendo,”  not wanton; hes mountains,  and oh, her head to soul,  and dead, stiller, not change decrees 

of arrow strike him,  if he is sing, this  Sea, who on the bestowes  serues thy beauty that the 

wood and loving steep floor.) Though  it shall never story, to  woo,—and—Lord knows what way  found in this last 

night company, and beggd by on  either king on me.  Cupid, because  which this your feet, when 

all those who love and face  those heads reflections thou would sing  so you so; ill to revenge the  same, Katinka was 

too late it is observe,  I have lived on the  golden tone. Some tomorrow,  sit by the aisles 

show it fallen lame just suffices— little too, unclosed  by eunuchs flankd; while her sway, for  once free. Stranger; her 

mind, and has joined, your arms administered  garland foremost, and  the eye. love that Mars, grown  a screech owl to me 

say it the left aching but  vision will still more subtle  they say Your name did giue; they were  give me. “Well, well their arms thy 

sweeter the beauteous night all graceful  troop appears;—and with  undeserved up by you:” nor can  tire, each obscene.