#thwod

[cpeacephoto]

               Sadly, my posting of old photos may be coming to a point where it is less frequent. I’m running out of old photos to post, particularly those that aren’t nude portraits in some way. Which is nothing else seem really old hat to me but maybe that’s just because I’m not 22 and full of hormones anymore. I need to take more photos so I have more things to post and talk about.

              I’m also noticing the community on Tumblr seems to be teens half my age. Maybe I’m just an old fart who doesn’t know how to use Tumblr? I’ve got absolutely nothing against teens. On the teen aspect, I wonder sometimes if my ranting is relevant, or even responsible.

              When we’re teens we’re going through so much. So many emotions, hormones, new situations, pressures. I can see where some of what I post becomes attractive or relatable if not just something to feel emotions to. But for most teens, these things will pass. It will change and it will get better. So I worry I’m not helping. I’ll get into that more near the end.

              It leads me to these photos today. These photos were taken years ago on the Bonneville Salt Flats. I’m sure there’s a place on the flats with an actual parking lot and visitor center but that’s now how we did it. This was probably the second time shooting this model. I’ll have to tell the story of the first another time. She was a little younger than I was grew up traditionally LDS but she herself wasn’t particularly religious or conservative. She actually seemed to like the idea of tattoos, alternative music, just being yourself even if she personally didn’t have tattoos. She was a HUGE lover of animals. Would end up one day a hedgehog breeder I think.

              On this particular day she took her dog with her and together in her old BMW she picked me up and we went down the highway. The highway at the flats is basically a straight line and no one is driving the speed limit. Lots of people whizzing by at 100+ miles per hour. Being the flats, there’s also a huge amount of wind. We drive for what must have been an hour and talked, always looking at her gas gauge as that limited what we could do. I remember at one point some of the rubber holding on the windshield of that old BMW caught the wind and just flung off the car. Made me think of being in a rocket ship and having a panel fly off.

              When we finally decided to take photos we just pulled over and walked out to the flats. It was vast, flat, and windy.

              To me, these are lonely photos. And I post them today because of it. The girl in the photos was someone I had several deep conversations with. And in many ways I think had I allowed myself to feel joy, I could have been friends with. It may be arrogant to think so, but maybe even something more. She was someone who saw my flaws and kept trying to tell me that it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. And at some point in life because I couldn’t let myself have friends, let alone find love, and kept trying to tell myself I couldn’t form relationships with models or it was creepy… at some point I’d end up locking her out of my life. Suddenly, dramatically, and quietly.

              This last month has been one hell of a roller coaster ride emotionally. There have been developments that happened with my old friend. The kinds of things where you don’t necessarily go looking and somehow it just pops up. The kinds of things where suddenly a lot of things just sort of happen. Where other things just don’t happen. It’s been a month of spiraling out on anxiety and walking around like Jack Skellington going, “What does it mean? What does it mean?”. A month of trying to distract myself, feel emotionally distant, make mistakes, learn something about myself, respond to all the stress and anxiety differently. A month of things not being as bad as I thought and things not going as horribly as I thought. And on the rare occasion getting to pull out my telescope to see how my old friend is on their boat and just feel, happy or complete again for a minute. It’s been a long and strange month.

              Part of that month includes several people telling me something that I’m sure I’ve been told before by someone, but for some reason resonates now. It’s the notion that really nothing that’s happened is bad, or wrong. It doesn’t mean I’m a monster, that I’m a fuck up, or that my old friend even hates me. They probably just, don’t think of me because life has moved on for them. More to the point I’ve been told several times this month that the issue, not problem but issue, in my life is pain. Particularly that I keep punishing myself. And doing so to such an impossible and undeserving standard. As if all the punishment somehow makes everything that happened and all the time lost okay. As if should I ever not punish, then none of it would matter anymore. That if I just punish myself hard enough or long enough, that maybe life will go back to the way it was which it never will, but also shouldn’t necessarily and that’s okay. That punishment and pain have become an identity, and I’ve not allowed myself to know anything else.

              It makes me think of these photos. Because there’s been so many wonderful people along the way the last 16 years that I’ve locked out and pushed out. People I felt I couldn’t, or shouldn’t, associate with beyond a very strict point. I’ve missed out on so much. I’m at a point in my life where I don’t want to miss out on those things anymore. And I don’t want to live in punishment and pain. The time lost, is lost. But I still have the rest of my life. That perhaps there is something to be said for time served and enough is enough.

              In some capacity, even if it’s just chatting online on occasion, I’d like to move on with my old friend. Like I’ve said before, I’ve always had this weird feeling my path eventually leads me back to them. And without the worry of school, social groups, parents, the impending doom of “get life right or live in a van down by the river” now, they and I have our whole lives to get to know each other. And be who we need to be to each other.

              But even if it is just conversations online on occasion, which is progress I’m hoping comes from this month, or even if it’s nothing at all. I really want to enjoy life again with someone. I want someone to not lock out anymore.

              And I think that’s the lesson. “let it go” doesn’t mean forget about it, or it doesn’t matter. It means that at some point the only person punishing you, judging you, hurting you… is you. And the only way it’ll ever get better is if you forgive yourself and allow yourself to be happy again. Something some of the events of this month, be they good or bad, has shown me. It’s okay. SWAT isn’t about to bust down my door. It’s okay to feel something.

                Came across a podcast episode today that talked a little about this idea of Idiot compassion vs Wise compassion. It’s an interesting concept. One of those things that when you stop to think about it feels like you’ve always known about but just never really had defined before. That “duh” moment for me I guess.

                For most of us, the compassion we’ll see most often is going to be Idiot compassion. We’ll even be the dealers of it from time to time. We’ll see it mostly from our friends and our family when we’re not feeling our best.

              In Idiot compassion it’s when someone gives compassion for their own benefit. Because it makes them feel better. Because they personally don’t want to see this person suffering, or because if the suffering heed their advice they somehow gain. Such is of our friend stops being mopey we can finally go to the movies. It’s when they just want to make someone feel better, and so they don’t necessarily tell the suffering the truth.

              When we see someone we care about in a problem and we feel compelled to say something it is probably idiot compassion. Something done that probably isn’t going to really help the other person anyways. It is probably something nice for the sake of being nice. And it risks being something that may actually hurt or further the situation the suffering are in. This kind of compassion typically doesn’t take into context, see, or even care about the whole situation from an objective view.

              Your friends and family will likely give idiot compassion. As Lori Gottlieb says you may hear statements for example about a breakup similar to “He’s a jerk”, “you dodged a bullet”, “all men suck”, “never talk to an ex”. These people will commonly tell you things like you should date or sleep around to get over someone, that you just need to get over it, that’s it’s all in your head, that you should break up with someone because you had a fight, that you should marry this person because they are “perfect” or “perfect for you”. Such statements don’t really help you over time. They may feel good in the moment, but you may end up ultimately feeling unfulfilled about your “perfect” decisions, or stressed out anxious that you’re not doing as well as they said you should be or would be, or worst of all just back where you started.

              Wise compassion on the other hand might look at that same break up differently. In Lori’s case she talk about how the source of her struggle wasn’t ultimately that this guy was a jerk and her heart was broken. It was about how she thought she had her life planned out. She was getting married, doing all the right things, had a career, everything was planned out. She did everything right. And then all of a sudden, the plan wasn’t there anymore. There was no backup plan, she didn’t do anything wrong necessarily, and she was alone. The floor fell from underneath her.

              As such wise compassion first had to dive into why she was truly struggling in the first place. Maybe he wasn’t the right guy for her. Sure. At the same time, maybe the problem is she was doing everything for the wrong reasons? Maybe she wasn’t really getting the fulfillment she truly needed? Maybe she was surrounding herself with the wrong people, like “yes men”. Maybe she was depending too much on others, on ideals, on this plan, then really being honest with herself on her needs? You can have your dream job, be successful, and still not find it fulfilling if you’re not being honest with yourself.

              Wise compassion by far is harder to find, but oh so much more valuable. We often feel and maybe are ill-equipped to dispense it. It may not necessarily flatter us or the person being given to. But it’s the truth given in a compassionate way.

              In Wise compassion, the compassion we give is more skillful and meaningful. Its intent is not to say something for the sake of something, or to simply end someone’s suffering so we don’t have to watch it. The intent is to help bring release from suffering so they honestly feel better. In this compassion it may be necessary to shine a mirror upon the sufferer to show them something they may not want to see or otherwise didn’t see before.

              It is an interesting thought experiment to me because I’ve been thinking about a similar thing for a while not. There’s a lot of nice people in this world. And there’s a time and a place for that. There’s nothing wrong with nice people. But people who simply nice people, aren’t always meaningful people. They aren’t always honest people. Just because someone is nice, doesn’t mean you’re going to be the best of friends that they really care about you, that you should sleep with them, date them, or marry them. It doesn’t mean you should be investing your time, energy, life, heart and soul into them.

              They aren’t bad people, they’re just nice people. And there’s a lot of nice people who will likely be nice for a while. But ultimately, aren’t you kind of people.

“~Write your soul down word for word. See who’s your friend. And who is kind.~ Matchbox Twenty - You Won’t be mine”

              In my life I’ve met a lot of nice people. And someone of them I’ve tried to hold onto longer than I should have, some I’ve lost myself in just to have someone who was nice around. There’s some who I pursued relationships with that ultimately didn’t work out because, they were just nice.Or because I didn’t truly allow myself to take the risk of actually feeling happy and connection again.

              There have been very few people in life who I’ve found had wise compassion. People who were truly honest, in a compassionate way. Who spoke my language, who I cared about.

              Like so many of these posts, it makes me think of my old friend. In part, because it always seemed like they could always find nice people. There was always an unlimited supply of nice people to surround them. To get lost in. How can you deny the voice of the crowd? They can’t all be wrong right? And it’s so much nicer over there what they have to say. But the voices of yes men and nice people, of Idiot compassion, isn’t always helpful. It isn’t necessarily fulfilling in the long run.

              I’ve been known to give people Idiot compassion like everyone else. But when it came to my old friend, I always tried to be honest. Even if it wasn’t fun to say, even if it wasn’t at my favor. I love their art. But no, I don’t love every piece. No, it’s not okay right now. Its okay it’s not okay right now. It’ll be okay someday. I love some of the things they do, and yes sometimes the problems we had were my fault. I own that. I’ve always felt like it was far more important to tell them the truth than to say something sweet just to be sweet.

              From my end, I’ve met a lot of nice people. I’ve had a lot of Idiot compassion happen to me. People who feel like emotional tourist. It’s part of why I feel for women. It’s so easy to have tourist show up because someone is feeling lonely, or horny, and the when the feeling passes in the morning or years down the road the tourist is gone only to be replaced by another. In my life I’ve had a lot of cliché’ platitudes lobbed at me. But I’ve had very few people be they stranger, tourist passing through, friends, family, or medical people, who were truly dispensers of Wise compassion. And there’s been so many times when I’ve needed it.

              I think that’s part of the reason why I respect and admire my old friend so much. They were probably the last person who I had that dispensed Wise compassion to me. And they were possible the only person I ever felt truly honored to try and reciprocate. I suppose in the end, after all this time I just hope beyond hope that I get that opportunity again someday.

              While I’m not really big into the holistic or the metaphysical, I do want to be a romantic and optimistic. There’s a thing called manifesting where you work towards your goals yes. You don’t lose focus and you don’t give up. But you try to stay positive, have happy thoughts, think about what you want and just hold on to that thought. I’m not really sure how much I buy into all of it. But I’ve got time. So I’ve been trying to manifest a conversation via happy thoughts and thinking about that conversation happening someday. Who knows, maybe it’ll all pay off sometime.

[jaidasessence]

I mean I know this bitch owns my ass but this interview is straight up fantastic. Talking about mental health is vital and this podcast does a great job. If you get a chance, take some time and listen to it!

https://www.hilariousworld.org/episode/2019/10/25/miz-cracker-looks-in-the-mirror

[erilionpendragon]

I really am kind of into guardians of childhood at the moment, and I came across a really cool fanfiction I felt inspired to sketch a bit. It’s called the heavy weight of duty but I’m not sure if it is finished or still written on, I’m glad I haven’t read it all yet.

[hetile-mabunda]

Just wanted to share this episode because it’s I found it helpful and I hope it helps someone else. Check out The Hilarious World of Depression https://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=125827

[palebluedot1220]

Great pin. Excellent (and therapeutic) show #THWoD #JohnMoe The Hilarious World Of Depression https://www.instagram.com/p/Bsnx5dfn05S/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1ksaegikqwehv

[only-1-a]

THIS IS A CALL OUT POST

For @raininginadelaide I was minding my own business at work when out of NOWHERE I was smacked in the face with Amber/Onyx feels! It's been three years! When will you and these beautiful lesbians let go of my soul???

[mlmopinionsblog]

Book Review: The Hilarious World of Depression by John Moe

Book Review: The Hilarious World of Depression by John Moe

Rating:

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” ― Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral’s Kiss

I received an advanced readers copy of The Hilarious World of Depression(click the link to view the podcast), and it’s one of those books that you didn’t know you needed in your life. Whether you suffer from depression, or not, this book…

[bunchofbloom]

Rachel talks with John Moe on THWoD.

[cpeacephoto]

Mental Health Break

               So in this post, I wanted to take a break from photography and blogging thoughts and stories to talk about something as food for thought.

I’m not saying I do or do not have any mental health issues. That’s not the point. The point is that mental health, emotional health, are really just something else to balance out and maintain like your physical health may be. Or perhaps your financial health or your relationship health.

I like this topic because as I get older there’s things that come to mind such as:

·         Having some level of mental illness does not mean you’re not “normal”. It’s not something to see as a stigma, it is not a punishment, it doesn’t mean you’re broken or “crazy”. If you were diabetic you’d have a hard time with sugar, and you’d have to manage that. Some through diet and exercise, and some need medications. But it doesn’t mean they are bad. It’s the same thing. Everyone deal with it differently, and it’s just something to manage.

·         There’s nothing to “fix” or cure. It’s personal health maintenance. Like having that glucose meter. Everyone has different needs in how they do the maintenance. Some people will have times when they need to ask for help from someone be they a friend, loved on, or doctor. Some will need ongoing care, some will need medications. Some won’t. Just because y our level of maintenance doesn’t match someone else’s doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. Try not to listen to the crowd. Not everyone needs a shrink, or drugs. Some do. Be honest with yourself.

·         Mental illness does not define you. You don’t have to be the depressed guy or the manic girl. If you are, you see yourself that way. Not necessarily others. If for no other reason than others may not know what’s going on, or know how to process what’s going on. Again, if you were diabetic, you shouldn’t be written off as being the diabetic person. If you were an engineer then being defined by your ability to process sugar alone would put your talents pretty short. You have more to offer.

·         You don’t have to be a tortured artist. Just because you don’t always make art, don’t always like what you create, don’t always sell art, don’t make a living on art, or don’t always have an art show or commissions, doesn’t mean you’re not an artist. Nor does your art always have to be a reflection of any mental illness you have. Even depressed people can get a joke and genuinely laugh from time to time. Art is about expression. If it makes you happy, then why you made it and what happens afterwards is fine.

·         Mental illness doesn’t have to mean certain people are bad for you. Mental illness is personal health maintenance. How you drive and how well designed the car is, depends on how often you change the brake pads. Knowing yourself and doing the maintenance is what matters. If you’re doing your maintenance honestly, and those around you are doing theirs honestly, there’s no reason you can’t talk or hang out. People are flawed, and it’s honestly okay.

·         It’s about honesty. Being honest with your doctors, your family, your friends, and most of all yourself. Having some patience, humility, and forgiveness particularly for yourself helps a lot too. When you’re honest with yourself as to what’s wrong, what you need, or just when you need to tap out and get a little extra help you can manage things better. College can be a stressful time. So can marriage, divorce, having kids, new living situations, moving, losing a job, and so on. So being honest with yourself matters.

Just a few things that have popped in my head from time to time. It’s really not a bad thing. People do things under stress. It happens. Doesn’t make them wrong for us, or bad, or evil. It doesn’t mean they are dangerous or don’t care or anything else. We don’t have to punish ourselves for how we think and feel. That’s not an adventure and it’s not a goal. It’s just, life. And that’s okay.

One of the things I’ve been listening to a lot is podcasts. And in relation to this topic specifically The Hilarious World of Depression podcast. https://www.hilariousworld.org/ if you’ve never seen it. It’s not going to solve your problems and it’s not really people crying about theirs. A lot of the podcast is a guy interviewing celebrities about their adventures through mental illness. It’s fascinating because it really humanizes these people. And there’s a lot of common themes into the mistakes people made, how they grew up, what worked, what didn’t, how they feel about their condition.

The podcast does a couple of other things I like as well. Such as earlier on they do a live show and in the live show they do a sequence where they read one star reviews of famous places. Like the guy who shows up in Paris only to find all the signs in French… one star. It’s cheeky humor. I like how they do a lot with singer Aimee Mann who has a whole album dedicated to mental illness. And I like how they do episodes where they ask the general public to call in and tell them a movie or a song that gets their mental illness right and explain why. Those episodes are neat because they expose you to the thinking of other people all around the world. One of the things I used to like about my old friend was being exposed to their way of thinking. And it exposes you to all kinds of new music or movies to watch. Maybe to consume with a different lens in mind.

I also stumbled across this YouTube video the other day. https://youtu.be/rQg_PjwfP6g I like the video because like the podcast, one of the things it talks about is over thinking. Spiraling out on thoughts. It also touches base if briefly on how frustrating depression can be. Not sad, but frustrating. Last I think it makes a good point that people with depression are a lot more resilient than you may think. They are far more empathetic and forgiving than you may think. And they may love something as simple as you just talking to them far more than you think. They tend to over punish themselves and they tend to distance themselves from people in an attempt to save you from them. Which is why taking the initiative to say hello to them may be far more rewarding to them than you may ever know. Because they tend to be their own worst enemies they tend to be people who really do want to just shower those they care about with love. It makes them really feel better if they feel like they are caring for someone else.

They tend to be people who are bluntly honest. Which means they may not always be flattering, but they don’t like lying to you. And they tend to be fiercely loyal. Part of that kind of loyalty means being someone who can see past your faults, forgive your mistakes, and still really just want to be around you. Maybe not even doing anything or saying anything but just happy to be around you. And part of that kind of loyalty is knowing the value of truly genuine kindness. Having someone you care about just say hi, is worth all the loyalty in the world to them. They know a life without it.

It’s a well done and well animated podcast. And it’s from a channel that seems to have a lot of well-done videos.

[savesgu]

Dandelionshirt-Star Wars Imperial Captain Morgan Join The Dark Side We Have Rum Vintage Shirt

Dandelionshirt-Star Wars Imperial Captain Morgan Join The Dark Side We Have Rum Vintage Shirt

Buy it:  Star Wars Imperial Captain Morgan Join The Dark Side We Have Rum Vintage Shirt

This is a book everyone should read, regardless of whether they’ve listened to THWoD podcast. It has the Star Wars Imperial Captain Morgan Join The Dark Side We Have Rum Vintage Shirt to help normies have some empathy for the saddies and to remind the saddies (like me) that they are not alone in this.

From: Sh…

[grahambinns]

Conversations with my Inner Dickhead

It's World Mental Health Day today, so I thought I'd share something that I wrote a couple of days ago, when I didn't _know_ that today was going to be World Mental Health Day. This piece was sparked by listening to [Wil Wheaton](http://twitter.com/@wilwheaton) being interviewed on the podcast [The Hilarious World of Depression](https://www.apmpodcasts.org/thwod/), a truly wonderful podcast that's well worth your time.  

I have an inner dickhead. An imaginary frenemy. He likes to try to make me miserable; as far as I can tell, for his own amusement.

I have decided, just now, to call him "Jeff". Important note: Jeff is not real. Except to me.

Jeff doesn't think I'm very good at what I do — as an artist, anyway. Tech, code, building devices that do interesting things over networks, sure. Jeff says I'm good at those. Art? Jeff thinks I suck.

And Jeff not only thinks that I suck. He thinks that I suck so hard that everyone has noticed, but that all the people who have noticed, all the people I've ever worked with, are just far too polite to come out and say it.

Jeff tells me that everyone who ever congratulated me, who ever told me my images were good, was lying or a fool. Friends, loved ones, professionals. All of them, Jeff says, are either full of shit or empty of brains. And if someone doesn't congratulate me — if a client, say, isn't overflowing with adoration for the work we did together — it's evidence that they, too, think I suck; they're just keeping it to themselves to spare me the embarassment of having to face my failures.

I think Jeff has been with me for a long time. I can remember him not being there — or at least I think I can. He wasn't there when I wrote plays at school that were largely Star Trek rip-offs, and got my friends to star in them, and filmed them, and made props for them.

But he was there when I was meant to solo in the brass quartet that I played in back then. And when I hit a bad note, he shouted at me as I played. On stage.

Jeff is the art teacher who told me that my self portrait was pretty rubbish, actually. He's the boss who told me that I wasn't shaping up, and asked me where my pride was.

Jeff's a shit.

Jeff will happily take anything that I'm happy with and turn it on its head within minutes. He's why I procrastinate about looking at images from a shoot — because I know Jeff will pipe up. He always does.

The worst thing of all, though, is that Jeff is a part of me. And so by hating him, and getting angry at him, all I am doing is hating and getting angry at myself. Which makes Jeff all the stronger — he feeds on that kind of thing.

The only ways to combat Jeff are:

To accept that he's there, and give myself permission to sulk, and hope he'll be gone by morning.

To tell him I don't have time for his bullshit right now, and to get on with what I'm doing.

I haven't really tried #2, if I'm honest. I really ought to. Because I often don't have time for Jeff's BS — but I give it to him anyway.

If Jeff had had his way, I would have thrown all of my camera equipment, and hard drives, and negatives, into the Manchester Ship Canal years ago. Sometimes, Jeff likes to have me think about doing this from the top of the Barton Bridge (he always neglects the fact that there's no hard shoulder there, so it would be impractical and inconvenient and would get me arrested).

Jeff is, I know, the scared part of me that doesn't like doing something he's not used to doing (or at least not used enough to doing yet). He's got my best interests at heart, but unfortunately he's a complete cock-end about actually trying to look after me. He's the cruel-to-be kind voice of friends who half want to not see you hurt, and half want to hold you back because if you get happy, they'll have to look at their own lives and realise how much they don't have themselves.

I could say that I hate Jeff, but I don't. That'd be like hating my left kidney, or my nostril. I don't like him much, either. But I do have to live with him.

So some day, if you're with me, and I'm seeming a bit glum, don't worry. It might just be that Jeff's jumping around and throwing a tantrum because I'm doing something cool and scary. He'll go away again.

He usually does.

Except for me.

[quasistarjudgement]

Gods, yes. I recently got back into THWoD again and it's wonderful

Do you think it would help mental illness become more accepted if there were more media (books, shows, etc) showing it as a normal and not negative thing?

YES YES YES. A thousand times yes. Because this is the reality: it is a normal thing. 42.5 million Americans experience mental illness in a given year. That’s one in 5. It is four times more common than all cancers combined; it is twice as common as heart disease. And yet, while we’d never feel strange talking to people we love about those health problems, we feel so vulnerable talking about these ones.

Personally, I take so much comfort from reading/hearing/watching the experiences of others. Because even though my brain wants to tell me that it’s just me, that no one else is like this and I shouldn’t even bother getting out of bed … well, I can know that not only is it so common, but many of my favorite authors and comedians are right there with me.

A few faves: Lady Dynamite and pretty much anything from Maria Bamford, Hyperbole and a Half from Allie Brosh, Blackout from Sarah Heppola, A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki, and I CANNOT RECOMMEND THE HILARIOUS WORLD OF DEPRESSION PODCAST HIGHLY ENOUGH!

[southernish]

Y’all, I love this podcast. It’s really good. And I legit gasped when I saw this new episode up (though I would love love love a full episode with JD)!

[anxietywithacapitala-blog]

Podcast (Additional Genre)

Click Here for the Letter of Intent

Who even cares?