#thursday's x-files rewatch

[thursdayinspace]

Doing an X-Files rewatch again, and I'm having so many thoughts about the pilot. It's so incredibly well done. And having just done a (very fast) rewatch recently with the last episodes fresh in mind, it's amazing to me to see how well these characters were formed right from the beginning. Their whole dynamic.

One thing I find interesting is how we're set up to believe that Mulder is the one who doesn't really give a crap about authority, but it's really Scully in the first episode who goes against everything they expect from her. She is supposed to invalidate Mulder's work. Instead she goes off with him to fight crime, sees things she can't explain, and decides that yes this guy is crazy, but she really wants to know what's going on.

I love how she isn't for a second intimidated or even put off by his initial attitude. She stands her ground at their first meeting, he immediately puts her to the test by showing her slides of weird marks on victims and asking her opinion, and then goes on about aliens, challenging her to tell him he's insane. And the really beautiful thing? When she argues her point, Mulder argues back, but from the start, there is respect between them. He knows she's been sent to spy on him. But there is no hostility there, not from either of them. We get such a clear idea of those two are right from the start. They're basically really nice people.

And then there is the motel, Scully finding those marks on her back... They took that moment that could have been used to merely objectify her while giving him reasons to exploit her fear and treat it as weakness -- and instead they used it to establish even further the respect and the first sparks of trust between them. He laughs initially until he realises that she was actually afraid, and then his laugh fades right away and he takes her seriously. More than that, she stays and they talk, and he tells her his story, in more personal detail than he probably needed to. And she listens. Trust is met with trust.

They work *together* throughout the whole episode and manage to use their individual beliefs to challenge each other. Not to be right on principle, but to get to the truth. I love how that's a thing right from the first episode. Their partnership develops so naturally. Through respect and through their willingness to listen. Not to agree, but to argue their points and push each other closer to the truth.

The chemistry between them is so off the charts, and to a large extent that's really due to all of this. They are willing to find a common ground, and they find each other fascinating enough to want to know more. I love that so much. It's such a good episode.

[fine-nephrit]

🥏 Where to find good XF fanfics

👽 On Tumblr

@lilydalexf has an encyclopedic knowledge of fics and continues to be an invaluable resource. You'll find a boatload of themed fic lists, individual rec posts and helpful answers to anon asks.

@txf-fic-chicks-blog seven years of almost daily recs, with well-written blurbs and a lot of fun, run by @kateyes224 and @piecesofscully. Look out for their themed days: "Casefile Monday", "Tumblr Tuesday", "Editor's Pick Wednesday", "Post-Ep/Missing Scene Thursday", "Novel Length Friday", "Smut Sunday", and the very cool "Because You Watched"

@msrlibrary a well-tagged library of MSR fics; each entry includes a short excerpt and a nicely chosen image from the show.

@201daysofxfiles a rewatch blog by fandom veteran @wendelah. Each episode in season 1-7 is paired with its own fic rec post.

@enigmaticxbee an aesthetically pleasing and neatly organized rewatch blog that is packed with great content, including excellent fic rec lists categorized by season, story type, trope, and more. Each episode guide sometimes features related fic recs.

@thatfragilecapricorn30 posts one fic rec every Friday, accompanied by a nice writeup.

@randomfoggytiger curates many fic rec lists sorted by often fun and creative categories.

@cecilysass has a google doc titled "fics I love", which is a fantastic fic list categorized by story type, complete with thoughtful blurbs. She's also shared two episode-related fic rec lists on Tumblr: here and here.

@pookie-mulder writes a monthly fic journal with good recs.

**self-promo plug** I post fic recs on my Tumblr blog @fine-nephrit under #nephrit's fic rec. Plus, I reblog others' fic recs that I come across!

👽 Rec Communities

XF Book Club: the best thing ever, an absolute gem that deserves to be preserved for posterity. During its run, 270 fics were recced and discussed in depth here. The community's intelligent and insightful comments on this blog are sometimes even more enjoyable to read than the fics themselves.

The Fic Filter (xf tag): well-curated selections with short blurbs.

Multifandom Het Recs (xf tag): a major rec site's xf section that offers nice "why this must be read" writeups. @het-reccers

Crack Van (xf tag): another major rec site with a big xf section, featuring endless recs and blurbs

Fancake (xf tag): another major rec community's xf section boasting an extensive thematic tagging system

👽 Personal Blogs

Emily Shore aka Naraht: meta essays, fanvid recs, fic recs—great stuff aplenty

Bad for the Fish aka Scarlet Baldy: fantastic fic list paired with highly enjoyable reviews and analyses of the fics she's read. @badforthefish

Ramblings of a Mind Untamed: reviews of a dozen or so classic fics

xxSKSxx XF Fanfic Recs: still active in 2024! @xxsksxxx

X-Libris: more of a fic library, this is the best place to download nicely-formatted ebooks of pre-AO3 oldies. What I love most is the incredibly detailed and extensive tagging system.

👽 Individual Rec Lists with good writeup

Character Manifesto - Dana Scully: a character analysis and 10 Scully-centric fic recs, categorized by "best of .." selections. Amazing format and choices!

Character Manifesto - Fox Mulder: same format as above for Spooky

bachlava's awesome fic rec essays, covering classic fics and slash fics

ShipRecced blog's classic MSR fics and newer MSR fics recs

luminary's 16-fic rec post

RivkaT recs fics and writers @rivkat

Anna Otto's favorite stories

Syntax6's rec list on her site, great rec list on Tumblr and FTF rec list @syntax6

👽 90s Old School Rec Sites

The Basement Office - Musea: a treasure trove of extensive fic lists with lovely written blurbs, recced by a group of talented writers from back in the day

The Other Side - Fanfic Recs from Beyond the Grave: a large collection of 'scary' or 'spooky' story recs with nice blurbs. Beautiful web design.

the Rookery - Favorite Authors: nice commentary on a list of classic fic writers

X-Files Fanfiction 101: an intro guide to fic categories and what to read for each

The Primal Screamers: a fun site run by a mailing list that hosts fic recs with blurbs, and a 'Coffee Talk' section full of delightful discussions of canon

Idealists Haven - Elemental Fanfic Archive: an archive with rec blurbs

Chronicle X: a large, well-organized archive with blurbs, plus a 'Can We Talk' discussion section of novel-length fics, plus a total of 46 author interviews. Simply incredible!

👽 Special Mention

The X-Files Lost and Found: a fic finder message board that is miraculously still very active today—How wonderful! Its FAQ page hosts a huge collection of well-categorized themed fic lists (not recs), including "Classics (or, Your Fanfic Education is Not Complete Until You've Read ...)".

Where do you find your next read? What did I miss? Reblog and share your favorites!

[repeatdecay]

People I'd Like to Know Better

tagged by: @mt07131 hiii thankyou :3

last song: black heaven by creeper

favorite color: green or pink

last book read: currently reading forensics by val mcdermid which is kinda not great. and also haunted by chuck palahniuk

last movie: rewatched saw 2004!!!

last show: x files!! on season 3

sweet/savory/spicy: sweet

relationship status: single

last thing i looked up: twin peaks

current obsession: everyone is gonna be Soo shocked when i say nin . also diy

looking forward to: thursday in january hopefully!!!

tagging: @aggressiveguitarnoises @julpernulper @mortuarykid @1nrain-bows @rais3dheart :p

[bellisima-writes]

10 Questions for Fic Writers

Thanks so much for the tag @katiefrog217!!

Absolutely NO pressure tagging, but these folks have written some lovely pieces on AO3 and if they want to participate and talk about their art, they deserve to: @di-42, @addledmongoose, @notalostcausejustyet, @hikarry

1. How many works do you have on AO3? |

Two (one completed and one WIP about 40-50% done)

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

*shifts uncomfortably in chair*

According to the stats page I just discovered (seriously how long has THAT thing been there?), I've published 185,536 words on AO3 (WHATTTTTTT in the what?!?).

3. What Fandoms do You Write For?

I've only ever written for Good Omens.

If we want to discuss what other Fandoms I have hyperfixated on and created elaborate stories only to not ever write them down? Then we can also include BBC Sherlock, The X Files, Stranger Things, and my OG from when I was a kid, Star Trek TNG. But I've only ever put pen to paper for Good Omens.

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Every. Single. One. If someone cares enough about what I write to make a comment, I am absolutely responding. The only time I don't respond to each is if there are multiple on a single chapter or I respond to one from a later chapter before the earlier one. Otherwise, I really do try to respond and thank every reader who's ever left me a note. It means the world to me.

5. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope.

6. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I've discussed it briefly with some people and would honestly love to.

7. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Aziraphale/Crowley. Though when I was a kid I was also obsessed with Niles and Daphne from Fraiser and every time I rewatch that show I am right back there (yes...old I know but it was good soup back in the Must See TV Thursday era).

8. What are your Writing Strengths?

Ummm...I think I build good plot, tension and (somewhat) unexpected twists into stories well. I have an inability to not try to figure out puzzles, which makes me annoying to watch movies with but turns out is a good skill for actually building twisty stories.

I also personally think my characterization and dialogue are strong, but that could be up for debate.

9. What are your Writing Weaknesses?

One completed fic and one WIP at 185k words is pretty self explanatory, I think. I spend a lot of time in set up and making sure the plot points I write are earned and while I do lean on the source material, I also feel a compulsive need to build out the motivations of my versions of these characters.

I can't write something thats out of character, my brain literally won't let me. It will get painfully stuck until I admit, this would not happen this way and abandon the scene and start over. I have an entirely written alternate version of the Last Angel that I completely scrapped at one point because it just wasn't right...

I also struggle with descriptive language. It's why I never, ever thought to write before entering this fandom last fall. Fanfiction is such a gift because everyone already has a picture of the world you're writing, of the people who are speaking, of their tone of voice, and so you don't have to spend time describing the landscape or physical qualities. So that huge gap in my skillset doesn't affect the story as much.

And humor. I want to be funny, so badly. And lighthearted. But my stuff tends to lean into the difficult themes in the universes the stories take place in. People who write humor well are unicorns and I worship them. Part of the reason I scrapped that alternate version of the Last Angel was because I was leaning into the funny a lot more and it just ended up not feeling realistic to the situation.

And grammar. My grammar could always grammar better.

10. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

My initial Good Omens fic was the first story I ever wrote.

[mittensmorgul]

2022 in Mittens Fic

It’s time again for the annual accounting of things I wrote this year! I’m pleased that while still a disappointingly low total for me, I still beat my total word count from 2021, so progress is being made, which I’ll always gladly take! Honestly anything is better than that 2020 total at this point lolol! I long since abandoned my goal of ever surpassing the 250k i posted in 2015, but that’s okay! I still wrote a decent bit!

For reference, past year end summaries can be found here:

2021 | 2020 | 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | the closest thing I have to a 2015 wrap up post is the lil bit of text at the bottom of 2016′s post… even though my two most popular fics were from 2015 lololol

I managed a Pinefest fic, a DCRB fic, AND a DCBB fic this year, which is the first time I’ve ever managed all three, so go me I guess? And maybe I enjoy working to deadlines more than I ever assumed before? Or maybe I would’ve written even more if I hadn’t been pushing at deadlines (and letting myself slack off, even if rest is important and beneficial to writer brain, when I was far ahead of schedule...). But I’m overall pretty pleased with this year’s works.

I tied last year’s fic total, with six, but beat last year’s word count with 117,486, so go me! Not even counting the ~63k fic i’m working on for pinefest this year...even if it’s already written it’s not posting until February. Love rolling over a big fic into the new year every year like this. it feels weirdly like cheating somehow, yet I do it every year :’D

Also slightly cheating, but since I mentioned it last year, I still haven’t missed a week of my eternal rewatch podcast, @spngeorg which is still going strong! Uploading episode 91, 5.09 The Real Ghostbusters tonight! If my millions of words of written meta aren’t enough for you, you can now hear me being grumpy about this show out loud! (new episodes drop every Thursday night at or around midnight eastern time, if you’re interested you can start from the beginning on AnchorFM or wherever you enjoy podcasts!)

Let’s get to the fic! Presented in the order they posted:

Mr. Fix It (54,383 words, rated M) written for the Pinefest. It started with a photo of the shopping center sign that Mel sent me several years back, and the instruction “this is a writing prompt.” Amazingly, it was a great writing prompt! and a great art prompt, thanks to @lotrspnfangirl! Dean runs a repair shop called Mr. Fix It with Charlie, and Cas runs the bar at the other end of the strip mall, Steve’s. There’s shady real estate dealings, secret identities, and found family taking care of each other through it all.

lectio in equis (13,016 words, rated T) my first ever DCRB, and I screamed delightedly when I claimed @scarlettmichkat ’s artwork! Actually still kinda lowkey screaming about it. I LOVE this artwork. Like, wanna frame it and hang it in my living room love. Canon case fic, sort of, as Dean and Cas get to play cowboy for a day looking for a lost MoL chapter storage facility out in the New Mexico desert. Plus, Jesse and Cesar being the best retired hunters.

Baby X-File (2,698 words, rated T) Written for the final GISH hunt, a crossover scene between SPN and the X Files, canon-adjacent to both, to a prompt from my team captain who isn’t on tumblr... thank you Sammy!

honey wine  (764 words, rated T) annual deancasversary fic! They go to the rennfest, and medieval hilarity and fluff ensues

Heart Shaped Box  (43,504 words, rated M) my DCBB this year, canon case fic wherein Dean and Cas are the case. beautifully illustrated by @marvfortytwo​ and a cathartic walk through a series of memories. I mostly wanted to revisit . Set within days of Dean rescuing Cas from the Empty, because that’s exactly what happened in canon as we all know (I SAID, AS WE ALL KNOW).

The Ghost of Christmas Present(s) (3,121 words, rated T) annual holiday fic, Dean and Cas attempt holiday shopping together. hilarity and shmoop ensue.

And that’s my year in fic. Like I said at the top, I’ve already got more than half this total written to post in 2023, so it looks like I’m still not slowing down. Since I posted my To Be Written file’s stats last year, I figured I should do the same again...

lol... a year later, two pages and 1400 more words added... i swear at this rate i will never finish writing it all, which I find weirdly comforting.

Thanks to everyone who’s read, kudos’ed, commented, reblogged, rec’ed, and enjoyed anything I’ve written in the last year. I love you all. <3 See you in 2023!

[stedesparasol]

thank you @soupbtch for tagging me! 🥰

last song: be my baby - the ronettes

favorite color: uhhh like a lightish bright blue (azure???)

currently watching: assuming this means in general and not right this second, i'm on late season 3 of my x files rewatch, and thoroughly enjoying the new series of taskmaster every thursday

sweet/spicy/savory: sweet, i have the palate of a child and would live off chocolate if i could

relationship status: single

current obsessions: well you see there's this pirate show...

last thing I googled: 'samba schutte cameo' lmaoo i'm not getting one i just wanted to know the price so i could make a joke

[litwitlady]

I finished Wednesday and Daisy Jones. But I've added Yellowjackets and Shadow & Bone. It never ends.

I'm still rewatching Supernatural, TVD, and going through Doctor Who and Once Upon A Time for the first time.

Plus, I'm about to hop back into my X-Files rewatch and baseball is back on Thursday.

I can't keep up.

[mackmp3]

YAYYAYAYAYAYAYYYY hehe okay

last song - every you every me live acoustic ver by placebo

favourite colour - green & purple :)

last book - uhmmmm the scarlett empress by paul magrs(?) eight doctor adventure AND !! mr wakefeilds crusade by bernice rubens. so much going with that book.

last movie - watched most of dog day after noon a couple days ago it was. okay. i wasnt really paying attention i just wasnt in the mood for it i dont think.

last tv show - either x files or the crow road i dont remember exactly it was a couple days ago?? or maybe doctor who techinically i rewatched mummy on the orient express the other day too...

sweet/spicy/savoury - uhhhh i always say salty to these which i guess is technially under savoury but i loveeeee salt hehe

last thing i googled - 'sobbing emoji' (for somereason the emoji keyboard of my computer stopped showing up so had to google it to copypaste lol

current obsession - capaldiverse. sighs sadly and turns to walk away only to walk into a wall & fall over

looking forward too - performing pj harvey song on thursday! and next week were doing dress up days & i have some fun ones planned, & also my coworked said that his band want to do a gig at some point soon & i can open for them :D (<- he has never heard me play he is going off vibes of what i might sound like)

uhmm @catholickedd @creature-from-unknown-orgins & open tags!! i would tag more people but i always forget who likes these........ no pressure of course :)

ten people i'd like to get to know better

tagged by: @megkuna thanks <333

last song: the phantom of the opera

favorite color: muted green

last book: uhhhhhh oh man i really need to start reading books

last movie: phantom of the opera which i watched with a friend

last tv show: the original star trek which i also watched with a friend

sweet/spicy/savory: sweet, i love sugar too much

relationship status: single and not looking, i'd rather just have more friends

last thing i googled: "how to know if skincare routine is too harsh" my pimples hurt in a Different way now :(

current obsession: probably still mob psycho 100 but it's not what it used to be. yay depression

looking forward to: when my family finally moves into the new house

tagging: @scarecloud69 @disorganised-thoughtss @daneonrainbow @lawful-goof @officialkarinuzumaki @leo-probably @vychodocech @umkayonninay @mocha-blossom @spageddy29 no pressure though <3

[bonesofapoet]

Lucifer in the Arms of Persephone

[ matt murdock x you ]

author’s note: why yes, i am rewatching daredevil and continuing to thirst over matt murdock without hesitation. swearing, a touch of religious trauma if you squint

word count: 1541

Incoming call: Matt Murdock, 9:12 am, Tuesday.

“Hey. Haven’t heard from you in a couple days. Just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Delete.

Incoming call: Matt Murdock, 8:43 pm, Wednesday.

“Look- I know that was – is – a lot, but if you could just – I need to know how you’re doing. Please.”

A hesitation. Finger hovering over the little trashcan. Then, his voice spills through the speaker once more:

“At least call Karen or Foggy.”

Laughter, twisted, a huff of air from your lungs. Delete.

The next evening, you found yourself standing outside the worn, wooden door of the place Daredevil came to ground. You chose this time of day with care: that liminal space before nightfall, that golden hour ushering the prime of day back to it’s cage barred with loneliness. Before night fell and the monsters came out to play, before devils ran across rooftops searching for that special someone to quench the thirst of blood spilled in the name of justice.

You wanted him to see you before he went hunting again.

A flare of pain, when knuckles met the door. The act was sharper, harsher than intended, the sting jarring you roughly, carelessly back into the present. Back into your body. The call of Matt’s voice brought you far away from the thoughts you explored the entirety of the train ride over, to this very spot you’ve stood a thousand times before.

Familiarity engulfed you, the warmth of moments similar to this one rushed you without call, without further warning they were arriving. The hallway seemed unseasonably warm, for this Thursday evening in the dead of winter.

Come in, he calls.

You do. The click of the door behind you feels finalized, somehow, like you’re trapped in this moment, this place. Yet, so very unwilling to fight to leave it, to abandon the future where it stands. Something whispers in your ear to let it be, shake the door open and never look back.

You don’t, though. You take a step forward. Another. Round the corner of the make-shift front hall, breath hitching when you see him.

He’s seated on the sofa, leather worn with time. Streams of honey amber sunlight spilled through dusty, dirty windows on it’s descent back into the underworld until the next morning. Pages are scattered before him on the coffee table – case files you imagine – his fingers caressing the raised words. He was hunched over them, even as you came closer. Noticed remnants of his work suit clinging to him like a lifeline, a drastic measure to remember his life on the right side of the law.

Hair disheveled, tie hanging loose and top buttons undone. He paused, when he heard your heart speed up, head turning faintly in your direction. His glasses were off; you could see his eyes.

“Was starting to think I’d never see you again.”

You halted just out of reach.

“I wondered the same thing.

He pulls his hands to his lap, inhales sharply. You watched, soundless. Moving to the chair opposite him crossed your mind – but your feet wouldn’t move, wouldn’t listen to the part of your mind that knew something you couldn’t. The part that didn’t care how much you missed Matthew Murdock, how beautiful he looked gilded in the last crying rays of the sunlight, like one of the holy saints he was supposed to revere.

Maybe that’s why he didn’t anymore, not really. He was too close to them now.

You simply stayed where you were, and waited.

“All right, let’s hear it.”

A beat. You blink. He says it so easily.

“What?”

He sighs – barely audible, but defeated nonetheless – reaches up to slide off his tie in one swift movement. Focus. His voice. . . he’s gentle, when he explains.

“Everyone always has something to say when they find out. ‘It’s too dangerous,’ ‘ how could you lie to me?’” a pause. His head turns away from you. “Just say what you came here to say.”

In that moment, you didn’t know which phrase to choose. He had spoken the ones recurring already, seemed to be taking this harder, almost, than you. And everything else. . .how could you possibly hold a grudge against this man, whose wrapped justice around kevlar tipped horns and commanded it to kneel, kneel before your devil.

Focus.

The feelings you held in the depths of your heart threatened to slip away, to crawl back under the crack of his front door and leave you, here, defenseless. Vulnerable, wholly, to someone you had begun to love, had never once made you feel anything short of the royalty he swore you once were, in another life, another time. They were so much more worthy of you than I ever will be, he said once, breath tickling across your collarbone, words soft and lost in your skin. You hadn’t understood what he really meant – but now, you supposed, it was this.

(Don’t even get started on how he too, resembles royalty in his own rite, in this moment. Prince of Nothing, yet regal in the exhaustion he bears in the face of threatening kingdoms to bring peace over what one day, may be his.)

Focus.

“If that’s the case,” came spilling from your lips, loud in the silence waiting. “Then I don’t really need to say anything, then, do I? If you’ve already heard it all before.”

True, he thinks, immediately. He just hasn’t heard it from you.

“If you need to say it-”

“Or do you need to hear it?”

A scoff, passive aggressive tumbles through his lips, twisted in biting bitterness he can’t seem to swallow. “Call it the Catholic in me.”

“Yeah,” you say, quiet in the silence that isn’t silent at all, actually. It’s stifling, the tension that grows. The biting draft blowing in through the windows does nothing to quell the burn growing steadily in your stomach, your heart, hands as they start to sweat. Though, you supposed, you hadn’t ever had a reason to be grateful for poor insulation until now. “You won’t find a reprieve from me today, though.”

“No?” he toys with the tie still in hand, asking for confirmation he already has, already read in the act of your arrival. The way you held yourself just out of his reach – well, that was more for your own sake than his. That you had come at all said enough, if he was being honest. About you. About him. About the both of you, together. Matt had learned you long ago – he just wanted to hear you say the words.

And you-

Focus.

The tilt of his shoulders, heavy from carrying the weight of so many worlds all at once. Hands, deft in weaving fabric around his fingertips in all the ways yours should be holding instead of his deception. Expression, expectant, open, defeated, as his head turns back in your direction. He knows you, he thinks, but not all the way through.

He doesn’t know you have secrets in the dark, too.

“No, Matt. You know why I’m really here.”

A smirk. Hand running through his hair, disheveled enough as it is. Tie slipping through his fingers to fall, dragging your resolve – and Matt’s – gracelessly along with it.

“Say it.”

His mask slips – briefly, and, admittedly, you’re unsure which one – and you’re moving closer. Farther and farther away from the whispers urging you still, to turn and leave and don’t you dare return. Don’t look back. Please, darling, don’t go playing with devils, not now-

Except the tension rises, the sun has almost cowered behind the skyline with the last rays of light clawing their way through the windows for one last parting punch to your chest. One last memory longing to be held, dearly tight, when your steps take you around the coffee table. Matt, still gilded golden Lucifer incarnate, pushes paperwork off the sofa. It’s loud, but he made room for you by his side, easy as breathing.

He’s a fallen angel, not a saint. You don’t hesitate to tell him that doesn’t make him a monster. His hands are in yours now, and you realize you mean that. As truly as you believe in the air you breathe, in the blood flowing through your heart, your soul, in the blood that drowns the damage done with a heavy weight now added to your shoulders.

Matt feels a little lighter, with your admission. He laughs low and warm when you say you’re still mad, though, you still lied you fucking prick.

That’s fair. I can live with that.

Your head falls to his shoulder, heavier than it was a moment ago.

“Stay in tonight,” a suggestion, a salve over the wound still gaping wide open between you. “At least until I fall asleep?”

It’s foolish to ask this every night, but surely the devil can feed elsewhere, every so often?

Sun fallen. Moon on the rise. Sounds of nightlife in Hell’s Kitchen begin to sing Daredevil’s song. It weaves through the walls in screams and sirens and safety clicking off, on, off, on. A hand slid to grip your thigh, a kiss falling to your forehead. “Yeah,” his voice, reassuring. His words, caught on your crown. “I’ll stay with you all night.”

He wondered if he would be forgiven when he began to falter under the weight of all his sins.

[scullysexual]

X-Files Rewatch Series; Squeeze

| saturday | rewatching the series | season 1 | scully’s diary | squeeze | words: 365 | click the title for the ao3 link | doodles by @burritoscully​ everything else belongs to me | in a collaboration with @burritoscully​. Please check out her addition to this episode when posted | Deep Throat | fic reposted |

@today-in-fic @mypanicface

- - -

Always Have Your Back

Her fingers soothe over the spot where the bile had fallen on her wrist, the faint yellow stain making her stomach turn.

A bag half-packed sits beside her. Outside, she can hear the commotion of officers as they take Mulder’s statement, similar to the one she gave them a few minutes ago.

It was Scully’s first experience having her home be violated and invaded like that. It made her skin crawl to recall it.

A soft knock against the bedroom door has her standing from her bed, continuing with her task of packing.

“Come in,” she gently calls.

Mulder appears looking around sheepishly, looking out of place.

“They’ve arrested Tooms,” he tells her. “He’s been charged for all the murders; 30s, 60s, now and he’s been charged for assault on a federal officer.”

Assault…the word rings in her ears.

“Good,” Scully says flatly.

She wonders if she should thank him. Is it expected of her to thank her partner for having her back or is it just a given?

“Mulder,” she calls, turning around and catching him before he leaves. “I’m glad I now know I can depend on you to have my back.”

He smiles, looking slightly bewildered.

“Of course, Scully. Your my partner, your safety in these investigations are paramount to me.”

She smiles, warmed by the confession.

“As is yours,” she responds in kind.

“Well,” says Mulder rubbing his hands on his pants. “Baltimore PD wants to take our official statements at the station. You ready?”

Scully nods, packing the final few items into the bag.

“I just need to change.”

“Of course.”

Mulder leaves, closing the door behind him. Scully peels off her clothes, shoving them into a plastic bag and hiding them from sight in her closet.

When she exits, Mulder is waiting for her. She eyes the area of the attack wondering if she’ll ever be able to stand there against without associating it with that event.

Mulder catches her staring.

“I promise to do all in my power not to make this a regular thing.”

Scully smiles, thinking if that is really something he was capable of promising but she says nothing, simply following him out the door.

Thursday, 21st May.

My first attack in my home. I felt violated, my space felt violated. Will I ever be able to walk in and not think about what happened? Mulder promised he would do all he could for it not to become a regular thing. Could he really promise such a thing? Anyway, it was good to know he has my back. Regardless of our differences, of my position, we’re partners and I believe partners should have each other’s backs.

[bigfootwrites]

Masterlist [week 4]

Please forget that I forgot week 3.

Sunday 24th to Friday 29th January.

Every Saturday I’m going to be compiling weekly masterlists with both tumblr links and ao3 links. This will include all fics I’ve written within the week.

Sunday 24th January.

Sunday 100 word dialogue prompt challenge. Prompt 3: Please don’t leave me --- I don’t want to go. 100 words. Angst. Every Sunday I’ll be posting 100 word randomised prompts taken from a different prompt list to 100 days of prompts. [AO3]

Monday 25th January.

100 days of 100 dialogue prompts. Prompt 43: I can’t believe I let you talk me into this. 259 words. Monster’s Inc AU. Mulder and Scully come up with a way to sneak the alien back into the Hoover Building. [AO3]

Tuesday 26th January.

100 days of 100 dialogue prompts. Prompt 44: I don’t want to think of what I’d be like without you. 175 words. Post ep: The Truth. Bittersweet fluff. Just a conversation during the bed scene. [AO3]

Wednesday 27th January.

Scullysexual’s X-Files Rewatch. Episode 2: Deep Throat. Title: Lights In The Sky. Every Wednesday I’ll be posting a short fic inspired by the most recent episode I have watched. [AO3]

Thursday 28th January.

Part 2 for the Untitled College AU fic. After the events of the bar, Mulder and Scully realise they need to talk about their problems rather than just ignoring them. Mature. College AU. [AO3]

Friday 29th January.

Part 3 to the Untitled College AU fic. Mulder and Scully try something new. Explict. College AU. BDSM. [AO3]

@today-in-fic

Click here to view my whole masterlist.

[thursdayinspace]

So much to say about the Duane Barry episodes and Scully's abduction, but mostly I find it amazing how much relationship development they managed to pack into a handful of episodes that Scully is barely in at all. It's already set up nicely: the hostage negotiation, Mulder being frustrated because first he's asked to help and then has to find out they're withholding information from him. Once again, he's not being taken seriously; he has to turn to Scully again even though they're not even partners anymore. He still relies on her, she's still the only one he can really trust. She comes all the way out there with the information she digs up when she can't reach him. She talks into his ear to help him resolve the situation. Afterwards, when they find that implant in Duane Barry, they try to figure that out together as well. As we've seen throughout all the episodes before, they fall back into their partnership easily, like it's the most natural thing in the world for them. And then she's abducted and everything falls apart. That's where it really picks up and it becomes clear that everything up to this point has been little more than a (very well done and important) prologue.

Mulder's silence at the beginning of "Ascension" is almost frightening. It's certainly intense. Somewhere between withdrawn and hyperfocused, with a good dose of fear mixed in. He tells Scully's mother that she's not in her apartment, and after that we don't hear him speak again until a good way into the conversation in Skinner's office the next morning, a good five minutes into the episode even though he's in every scene before then. And when he barely puts up a fight when Skinner tells him to go home, you know he's going rogue. He does not trust them to find Scully, and he certainly can't sit and wait while she's out there with Duane Barry.

He pushes himself beyond his limits, almost falling asleep at the wheel but refusing to let Krycek drive -- he doesn't give up the tiniest sliver of control. When the tram operator won't let them take the tram up the mountain, Mulder has no problem showing him his gun. He pushes the tram beyond safety limits. Does his acrobatics out in the open who knows how high up in the air -- risking his life -- after Krycek stops the tram.

And holy shit the way he loses it when he spots Scully's blood and hair on Duane Barry's hospital band is truly scary, I don't think we've ever seen him that angry before. But on second thought, maybe angry is the wrong word. He's acting out of fear and panic. I don't think even an angry Mulder would choke anyone. He isn't thinking straight anymore, his responses are almost primal at this point. He hasn't slept, he's running on adrenaline, he's no closer to finding Scully and now he knows she's injured.

Finding out about Krycek, Skinner reopening the x files . . . it all seems almost secondary. Not as important as his meeting with Scully's mother and her telling him to keep the cross necklace. He didn't have anyone this entire time to lean on or to talk to. And he still doesn't, but this is the closest he gets. He and Scully's mom are in similar places. For them, this is personal. I love that they're bonding over this, over their love for Scully and their worry about her. (Whatever meaning you want to read into the word "love" between Mulder and Scully at this point.)

The beginning of "One Breath" is so intense, Mulder running into that room in the hospital to find her lying there unconscious, hooked up to a respirator. Anger fueled by blind panic. "Who brought her here?" "How did she get here?" "Who did this to her?" "Listen, if you’re hiding anything, I swear, I will do anything, whatever it takes, I will find out what they did to her!" I love the scene and I absolutely love the way it's acted, big thumbs up to DD. Getting her back could have been the emotional release of that arc, but she comes back in a coma. It spikes the angst to a whole new level. Before, he didn't know whether she was okay or not, he could hold onto hope. Now he knows she's not okay. Getting her back does not let him finally sit down and take a deep breath and process any of it. Nothing is resolved, the fight is just taken elsewhere.

I just want to take a second to think about the fact that he sigend her living will as her witness. That is. A very intimate thing to do. And that moment needs to get the credit it deserves. Knowing that they have talked about the event of her being unable to decide for herself, knowing she let him in, let him sign it, and the fact that he did it? That is a huge HUGE thing.

What is really intriguing is that Mulder and Melissa clash in the way they do, because you'd expect them to get along. I wonder if they would have gotten along better had they met under different circumstances. But here, Mulder is in a very different place. He tends to go to extremes when the stakes are high, his single-minded focus in this moment doesn't allow for anything but action. He still believes he can do something. He doesn't even go in with them when they decide to pull the plug -- he refuses to accept a reality where she dies. We see that again in the cancer arc, where he tells her as much when she tells him her cancer is untreatable.

If anyone would go to the trouble of putting together a list of the top ten most heartbreaking moments from the entire show, Mulder's visit to CSM and the way his voice breaks when he asks "Why her?" would have to be on it. "Why her and not me?" It's the way he says it, but it's also what's in that question that makes it so heartbreaking. Because that's what it all boils down to. He feels guilty. He asked in the hospital "Who did this to her?" And throughout these episodes, in his head, he has always considered that person to be himself. He did this to her. Something we get to hear again and again all the way into the revival when he tells her he wishes she'd left that basement earlier so she'd have been spared from all the things that happened to her. He feels responsible.

(Just a short digression: He is not responsible. I feel like that's a very important thing to remember. Something her brother should have been told in the cancer arc too. Holding Mulder responsible robs Scully of all agency and makes her nothing more than a loyal puppy. But unpacking Bill Jr.'s implicit misogyny, and why the way Mulder feels responisble for everything is not the same thing, that is for another post. If anyone has thoughts on that though, I'd love to hear them.)

A real Mulder moment is him choosing not to take revenge on the men responsible for Scully's abduction, after X pretty much hand-delivers them to him on a silver tray, but rather to go to the hospital after Melissa tells him it might be his last chance, that Scully is dying. He will choose Scully over everything every time. Sitting at her bedside, taking her hand, the way he speaks to her -- it becomes clear how deep the feelings go but also how fragile and undefined it all is between them. They're friends, they're partners, they've flirted, they've told each other some of their deepest secrets, and he has no idea how to be around her now. "I don’t know if my being here . . . will help bring you back. But I’m here." His pause there before "will help bring you back" kills me. He honestly has no idea. He can hope, but he just doesn't know if he'd be a contributing factor in her decision to come back or move on, if she even hears him, if it's even in her control. (I've always wondered when he says in the revival that he invented wishing someone back to life when she was in the hospital, whether he was talking about her cancer or about this moment, or maybe both.)

He gets his breakdown once he comes back home to his destroyed apartment. Sliding down the wall crying -- such a moment. There's no anger in that anymore. No action. He expects to be losing her at that point and all the fight has left him. Until he gets the phone call that she's okay.

Could the episode have benefited from a slightly longer scene at the end? Maybe. It seems a bit anticlimactic, after all he's been through, that he walks into her room, gives her that silly tape (such a Mulder thing to do), hands her the cross necklace back, and that's pretty much it. On the other hand, considering the scene by her bedside before, maybe it fits. He doesn't know where he stands with her, and she's with her family.

I do think the ending is a bit abrupt, but that can easily be forgiven with all that those episodes provided before that. If anyone can see more in that ending than I do, I'd love to hear it because I really don't quite know what to make of it. But they seriously sent Mulder on a journey there, and it worked. And it sets so many things in motion, for the plot and for their relationship.

[vuillard]

should i rewatch the x files everytime i say that i make it exactly three episodes in and stop because i am terrible at watching tv shows that aren’t just people falling in love or being stupid. should i take another edible. i saw titane for thé third time today because im crazy but i think i finally broke the spell well not entirely but like enough that maybe i can think about other things like seeing this movie lamb on thursday

[frangipanidownunder]

When did you first start watching The X Files? And when did you start writing fic for it?

I started watching when it premiered on free to air tv in the UK which I think was 1994. I used to watch with my dad and brother, BBC 2, Thursday nights. My mum was too scared, lol. It was a special time.

I got married in 1996 and remember watching with Mr F. I have very vivid memories of the Triangle kiss and the frustration! When I moved to Australia in 2001, I had been watching season 8 or 9 maybe, when they suddenly just started showing repeats mid seadon. I remember watching Ice and thinking, wow, this is old. The summer tv schedule is all repeats here, unlike the UK back then. Anyway, some time later they advertised The Truth starring 'Australia's own' Alan Dale. Turned out he was a dude from Neighbours who played the alien judge called out by Gibson. Like he had five minutes air play. So cringe. I forgot about the show until IWTB when I saw that movie on video. I felt it was too slow and Mulder's beard was hinky and Scully's accent was dodgy. 😁 It wasn't until 2014 that I did a series rewatch with my kids and then the revival was announced.

I wrote my first fanfic in 2015, pre-revival, based on spoilers about the break-up. I didn't write another until a year later, when I joined Tumblr and started the weekly @xfficchallenges. Been writing ever since. 😊

Thanks for the ask, lovely.

[adversecamber42]

New Beginnings

Well, Twitter has certainly turned into a new kind of Hellscape over the last week. I guess I’m going to be hanging around here a lot more!

As I’m not very good with Tumblr, I figured I’d introduce myself. I’m a writer of dark fantasy stories and am currently working on my first novel. I’m also one half of Things Are Getting Strange - an X-Files rewatch podcast. We post a new episode every Thursday and are currently about halfway through the first season.

In my free time, I enjoy video games, horror movies, and cosplay. I’ve recently finished playing all of the SoulsBorne games, and therefore am feeling a bit lost. If you can suggest a new obsession for me, I’m happy to take requests!

On top of that, I have some very weird pets. I mainly use my Instagram to talk about them, but I’m also likely to pop up the odd picture of my snake, frogs, or stag beetles!

If any of that sounds good, please feel free to give me a follow!

[youremyonlyhope]

Exit Wounds

AKA ...Nah, that’s the best title for it. Some characters make an exit, and I am forever wounded.

I have the urge to watch this episode, and I know that if I don’t watch it now I’ll put it off for another year. And I don’t want to do that since I would rather watch it this week.

LOL and remember how when I started this Torchwood rewatch in August 2015 I said “Torchwood takes literally no time to get through.” but then I ended up stretching out 2 seasons to nearly 3 years? And I still have to get through Children of Earth again at some point in my life.

Ok actually as I think about this episode and what happens I really don’t want to watch it. Why am I doing this to myself? I want to rewatch it before Blind Wave posts their reaction on Thursday so that’s why I’m doing it now. But pressing play is really really really really really hard.

Major spoilers. Though if you’re reading this you know that.

I’m holding my Adipose that I crocheted and named after Owen. Here we go. I hate everything.

OH my god I’m dead, Amazon’s description of the episode starts with “Captain John Hart (James Marsters - Buffy) returns” that kills me.

OH NO I CAN’T REMEMBER IF CHILDREN OF EARTH HAS THE SAME OPENING SINCE I ONLY EVER WATCHED THAT SEASON ONE TIME. IS THIS THE LAST TIME WE EVER SEE THE ORIGINAL OPENING? WHY DID THEY KILL OFF OWEN AND TOSH WHO’S BRIGHT IDEA WAS THAT CHRIS CHIBNALL I HATE YOU. My sweet Torchwood babies walking towards the camera looking all dramatic. I love them so much. I miss them so much. Owen helping Tosh walk. Just kill me. Oh poor Rhys is still a little out of the loop. Oh I love Captain John Hart so much. My chaotic baby. He didn’t make the explosives efficient on purpose. And he asks if they were ok. He cares. Jack. Notice that he genuinely cares. He’s not messing with you. Is it bad that I always laugh when Captain John shoots Jack a billion times? Seeing Burn and Naoko’s names on the opening credits for the last time... I’m in pain.

Rhys: I’m keeping more secrets than you’d ever believe. Andy: Oh yeah, like what? Rhys: Like a Time Agency based in Cardiff. Gwen: It’s not based in Cardiff.

I love that so much. Tosh is walking through the shelves of this building the same way she did in Fragments looking for the blueprints. Cinematic parallels. Making me more emotional... Are there other parallels that I just never noticed? Now I gotta keep an eye out for them. I love that they just shoot them down and Tosh goes “Sorted.” My girl. I love her so much. A Hoix? Did that alien have a name in Doctor Who Love and Monsters? Cool to know its name now. I just wish that they didn’t have to send the man who can’t heal to go deal with an alien threat on his own though. The way he said “Wish me luck” my baby I love him. And the way he raised his eyebrows after sedating it. I love Owen. See I can’t tell if John is serious about his “You have all of time but you don’t spend any with me” speech or if it’s just what Gray wants him to say. Probably a bit of both, he probably does feel that way on some level. I bet everyone Jack ever fell in love with has. I love that when rewatching, you can tell John’s regret bleeds through a bit. Night fell in 20 minutes... is Cardiff at the latitude where night starts to fall quickly? I just realized that while Tosh is talking on the comms about rift activity, for a second her voiceover overlaps a shot of her and Ianto, and you can see she’s not talking. Telephone and radio down again. Just like in Sleeper. Captain John trying to spare him the pain of seeing Gray. Rhys’ proud smile at Gwen leading. Awwwww. Been thinking it for years... but Gray’s actor... is not the best... I think it’s his voice, it’s all one tone, not much emotion in the voice. Really the only weakness in this episode. God my poor baby Jack. Prior to Heaven Sent, this was the worst thing I ever had to watch one of my babies go through. 2000 years of dying by suffocation over and over again. But then the Doctor did it for 4 billion years but whatever. At least the Doctor didn’t remember doing it each time while he was doing it, he only remembered afterwards. Jack was awake for all 2000 years of dying and remembers it all. Ugh John tearing off the vortex manipulator along with skin. Oh god not the Weevils. “Ianto. Leave it to me” AND NOW OWEN GOES TO HIS DEATH. I HATE EVERYTHING. SO MUCH. OWEN, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE KING OF THE WEEVILS!? I was just thinking “John should really wrap up that wound...” so I’m glad he actually did. I love that John calling the Weevils pests isn’t even a joke. Weevils are literally the pests of Cardiff. And now Tosh is standing in the location of the cause of her death too. Great. This is all so great. Fantastic. Amazing. I’m not crying you’re crying. This episode is so fun. This lady at the nuclear plant is amazing. Amazon doesn’t credit her in the X-Ray thing though. Shame on you, Amazon. My baby spewing off nuclear science. I love Owen. Owen giving her the mace and telling her to go. I love him. I love him so much. My love. My heart. My baby. “Right. Can you fix it?” “Of course I can, I’m brilliant.” YES YOU ARE GIRL. YES. YOU. ARE. That confidence. That character development. Going from “Knowing I’m special. Waiting for someone to see it.” pre-Torchwood to “Of course I can, I’m brilliant.” at the end. MY. GIRL. Full circle. Wow I want to die. She’s been shot. I hate Gray with every molecule of my being. “Tosh talk to me, I need your help here, babe.” Wow I’m in pain. He called her babe. I wonder how long he’d been doing that. She’s rolling down the steps. Leaving a trail of blood. I hate this show.

Ok. Wait. In 100 years did no one really ever wonder what was in body vault #3? It has no label. I’m sure someone at some point had to have opened it up, seen Jack, been like “...but Jack’s out on a mission... how is he... NOPE I don’t want to know.” and closed it up again. Or maybe there are instructions to never disturb vault #3, that it’s a dangerous alien or something. Or maybe there’s information in a file like Tommy’s saying “This person is frozen until 2008. Just let it be. Don’t worry.” What is the story there? I need to rewatch episodes and see if vault #3 has a label.

Amazon’s X-Ray feature tells me this former Torchwood member’s name is Charles Glaskell. A black man in Torchwood in 1901? I want to know HIS story. Yeah, Jack, you may forgive him, and that forgiveness comes from hundreds (now thousands) of years of guilt over letting go of his hand, but I don’t. I don’t forgive him. I never will. Did Jack have to say to Torchwood “Yeah so set the alarm for this day at this time. Oh also, give me a napkin with chloroform on it. Just cuz.” And did he guess the time? Because he could have woken up like 30 minutes earlier and saved everyone. I know Jack does stuff for the drama, but I’m assuming this time it wasn’t to be dramatic. I really hope he didn’t go “Let me just... tell them a half hour later... so I can be fashionably late to saving the world.” He probably just got the time slight wrong. Owen immediately asking if she’s ok. Because he knows the only thing to keep her from helping him would be if something happened to her. And Tosh lying about it. I am in pain. This is the beginning of the most painful 10 minutes I’ve had to live through in a show. She takes a moment to make a slight joke “Obviously, remember to get out.” whether to make light of the situation or convince him everything’s ok. I’m in so much pain. “And Tosh, thank you.” Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow. God if only Owen hadn’t taken the couple seconds to look at all the screens and dials and stuff and just ran once she said “Owen, get out of there.” “Because you’re breaking my heart.” Knowing that Naoko filmed the entirety of this scene in one take... and that it was the last thing filmed for season 2... makes everything hurt so much more. “I’m sorry.” coming from Mr. “I Don’t Do Apologies” means so much wow this show is painful. Tosh, you’ve been shot, you have a broken arm, and you are alone. You couldn’t have stopped it. I hate that she blames herself. Stupid Space Pig. The date. The stupid date. The date that didn’t happen and tears my heart out when I think about it. Stupid Owen being oblivious. Stupid Tosh being shy. Stupid what-his-face (5 years later I refuse to give him the respect of learning his name) shooting Owen barely hours after he says yes to the date. Stupid Owen’s post-resurrection-depression getting in the way. Stupid Gray. Stupid weevils. Stupid nuclear plant. STUPID EVERYTHING. IT’S NOT ALRIGHT. OWEN IT’S NOT ALRIGHT. And now she’s delirious. Lost the will to live. Lost the will to keep fighting. She was fighting for Owen, and couldn’t save him because of Gray. She’s smiling. She still blames herself. She’s dying and she’s blaming herself for what happened to Owen. She smiled at Jack. Jack saved her. Her 5 years were either already up or almost up. She either was about to be free of their deal, or was free and chose to stay with Jack anyway. She loved Jack so much, and he loved her so much. Wow I am in so much pain. I’m holding Owen the Adipose. This hurts. “Maybe killing him would be the release he needs.” Listen to John. “There has been enough death.” Ok Jack I’ll let you have that. So then what happened to Gray when the Hub exploded in Children of Earth? If he died I don’t care. I’m more concerned about the whereabouts of Myfanwy and Janet post-Hub-explosion than Gray. Is John not from Earth? Maybe he was born on a human colony on another planet... Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid Owen’s Theme is playing and Ianto’s logging him out and that stupid picture taken during They Keep Killing Suzie is on the screen and my baby is gone and I hate everything. 1980. Baby was barely 28. He should be 38 right now. But he’s not. I’m not crying. But I’m making various groaning sounds at each thing Ianto types or clicks and at Jack holding the stethoscope and hugging the lab coat. The stupid lab coat. With his stupid buttons. Jack’s crying. I’m squeezing Owen the Adipose probably too hard. Gwen’s cleaning off Tosh’s desk and crying. Ianto’s logging Tosh out. Everything is hurting. Wait. It says Tosh was born in 1981. But Mary said some time in the 70s. Torchwood. Get your act together. Uggggghhhhhhhhhh her glasses she wasn’t wearing them when she died her purple glasses why. “I hope I did good.” Tosh. Tosh, you did the most good. You did more good than anyone else in this stupid team. Even when you did the wrong things, you still did good things with them (Mary’s stupid pendant). Tosh. Tosh Tosh Tosh Tosh Tosh. Oh my girl Tosh. Oh Tosh.

We all agree that Torchwood is the worst show every created right? I mean, it tore out our hearts. So we hate it. We love it. But we hate it. Torchwood literally ruined my life.

So. Exit Wounds. Wow. I am hurting. I didn’t cry. I don’t think I’ve cried over this episode since the first time I watched it. And even then I only shed 2 tears: 1 when Tosh died, and the other when Tosh’s goodbye video came up.

Of course Tosh would make a goodbye video. She thinks of everything. She is my girl. She is incredible. She is brilliant. She is better than all of us. And she loves them all so much that she wanted to make sure they knew it. In case she didn’t get the chance to tell them one last time. She was so good. She was beyond good. She was the best. She deserved the entire world. She deserved everything and more.

Owen. Oh my Owen. Owen did not deserve this. Owen going out like that is the worst thing. He deserved as long of a half-life as that stupid Duroc energy would have allowed him. He might still be in that stupid nuclear plant as sentient atoms. We don’t know. He deserved to scream and rage his way into oblivion. But he stopped because he didn’t want to hurt Tosh. He didn’t even know she was dying! And he still wanted to comfort her through his death because he knew how much it would hurt her. That she loved him, and he loved her, and even if they couldn’t be romantic they were still close friends. And he apologized. At least 3 times. He never apologizes. And he did it. Over and over again. He confessed that he wished they had gotten that date, that he was too stupid to realize until it was too late. That she deserved better than having to constantly look out for him from literally day one. Better than him being rude to her all the time. And he accepted his death. Said it was alright. It was not alright. It was no where near alright. Owen is my favorite character of all time. I was so devastated over his death that I named the Adipose I had been crocheting at the time after him. Because I needed comfort.

Chibnall. If you can tear my heart out like this in Torchwood, I am hoping you can do the same in Doctor Who. Don’t let me down. I trust you.

When Gwen says “I don’t know if I can. Not after this.” I always think “Same.” Because once again, I nearly didn’t press play on Season 3. I didn’t want to go on. But I did. It just took a lot. I’m glad I watched Children of Earth since it introduced me to Peter Capaldi. And he gives an amazing performance. So when 3 months later his name was thrown out in speculation for being the 12th Doctor, I said “Yes. I want him. He’d be a good Doctor.” and he was. So I’m glad I kept watching Season 3. If only for Capaldi.

Welp. Nearly 3 years later I’ve finally reached Exit Wounds. I feel dead inside and exhausted. I might go to bed. Wasn’t planning on going to bed right away, but when I’m sad I get sleeping. Sadness exhausts me (see: my post for To the Last Man when my grandma called towards the end and screamed at me for yawning and not getting enough sleep [even though that’s true] when I was actually yawning because the episode was so sad that it was exhausting me). This episode is great. But it ruined me. It still ruins me. I’ve never recovered. 5 years. Still haven’t recovered. I say I never stopped crying over this episode, I just stopped shedding tears; I’m still crying over it on the inside. Exit Wounds is the perfect title.

I can’t wait for Blind Wave to post their reaction to this episode on Thursday. They adore Tosh as much as I do. It’s going to break them. The thought of getting to see them become as broken from this episode as am I was what kept me going during the sad parts of this episode. I know it’s horrible, but I love seeing people be ruined by this episode. Because I get it. I’m ruined too.

Torchwood ruined me.

Bonus! Here’s a picture of Owen the Adipose in all his adorable, chubby, cuddly glory:

Literally the only thing keeping me sane. Being able to squeeze him during this.