#threads ⇢ carter fielding

[dancingtotuyo]

11. up from the dust, inconceivable love

Woman | Joel Miller X Female Reader

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Chapter Summary: Ellie learns the truth. Your family gains a member.

Tags: Joel Miller X Female Reader. Age Gap (13/14 years). HBO Characters. Mostly cannon compliant for show & game. Timeline is changed.

Chapter Warnings: pregnancy related things, angst, hurt & comfort and no comfort?, self worth issues, canon violence, anger, child birth, spoilers for TLOU 2 (we’re entering the timeline that starts to burrow things for part 2 of the game)

Notes: huge thank you to my constants, my rocks @ramblers-lets-get-ramblinand @janaispunk for beta reading and letting me yell and scream and break their hearts.

If you have checked out Before, I would encourage you to do so for more backstory on our dear reader! The final part is out now!

Words: 5352

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“What do you think of Peace?” You ask, propped up in bed, hand over your swollen stomach. You’ve gained more weight this time, probably because you’re not in the throes of grief. 

“I mean, I’m a fan. I hope everyone is.” Joel says, trimming his facial hair with the bathroom door wide open. 

You bite your lip, admiring the expanse of his bare back. If getting out of bed wasn’t an event, you would be behind him right now, kissing his shoulders. 

“No, as a name for a girl,” you say. Joel turns around looking at you like he’s contemplating checking you into a psychiatric ward if those still existed. “A middle name, not a first name.” 

Joel sets his trimmers down, leaning in the doorway shirtless. “And what would her first name be?” 

“Willow.”

Joel furrows his brow stepping into your bedroom, your shared bedroom. “Darlin, I know we live in a commune, but we’re not hippies.”

“You bring me wildflowers and we walk barefoot through the fields. I wouldn’t be so sure.” You can’t help but laugh. Joel cracks a smile. “Do you have suggestions then?”

“Thought about naming Sarah- Katherine.”

You make a face. You know one too many Kates and Katies even in Jackson.

“It’s not a bad name,” Joel chuckles. 

“Neither is Willow.”

“Is this your way of telling me you’re a hippie?”

“Would you leave if I said yes?”

Joel shrugs “I don’t know, but I knocked you up so I guess I have to stay.” He crawls into the bed. His head is level with your stomach as he watches for movement. 

You roll your eyes. “How romantic.”

He grins up at you and then his eyes are back on your belly. He rests a hand at the top, staring, waiting in wonderment. Neither of you can believe this is all real. Your baby moves around all the time, kicking your bladder and lungs, signifying life. A life you did not think would make it. 

You thread your fingers through Joel’s soft brown hair. The outline of a foot appears and then disappears. Joel’s eyes sparkle and he kisses the same spot. He’s soft and gentle. In these moments, all your anxieties are carried away like leaves on an autumn breeze. This is your peace. 

“What other names did you have picked out for Carter?”

You bite your lip. “We didn’t have any other boys' names.”

“And if he’d been a girl?” He’s still enthralled with your stomach as if there’s been an enchantment cast over it. 

“Sarah.”

His head snaps up. 

“Tommy and I talked about her a lot when I was pregnant. She was on my mind… being a part of Sarah’s life made me realize I wanted a family… even in this world where I had no right to do so.”

You keep playing with his hair. His eyes go glassy making you wonder what memory is playing behind his eyes. You stay like that until Joel is ready to talk. Eventually, he sits up, clearing his throat. His lips touch yours. 

“What about Willa?”

You tilt your head to the side. You don’t really see how it’s any different than Willow, but you’re not going to bring that up. “I like it.” 

“And Miles for a boy.” His smile returns. He doesn’t tell you that he’s positive you’re having a girl.

“Miles is an old man's name!”

“Good, then he’ll grow to be an old man.”

You take in a sharp breath. It’s just an offhand comment, but it carries so much weight. It’s a stark reminder of the heaviness of the world, and the twinge of guilt you feel bringing another child into it. 

Joel takes your hand, kissing your palm. You see it in his eyes too. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’tve-”

“It’s okay.” Your fingers comb through his hair. He leans into your touch. His grays are more noticeable than they were a year ago, but the brown still outnumbers them. 

“Do you think it’s a boy or a girl?” he asks.

“I don’t know… I- I haven’t really let myself think about it until today.” It's true. The fact of the matter is you’re within a month of your due date. You and Joel are so close to welcoming this baby into the world and are wildly unprepared. 

“We’re getting close… We need a crib.” 

“The one I used for Carter is in the attic.”

“I can bring it down in the morning.”

“I need to get some baby clothes. I traded all of Carter’s.” 

“Looks like we have a bunch of work to do, Mama,” Joel smiles, kissing your forehead. He still hasn't told you about the swaddles and onesies tucked in the back of his drawer, but it seems you’re finally ready for them.

You cock your head to the side, contemplating the nickname. There’s a mix of emotions with it. You’re already a mother. Joel is a father, but this is a life you’re bringing in together. It’s uncharted territory for both of you. Sarah’s mom was out the door before she was six months old. Neither of you have done this part with a partner before. 

A sharp knock on the front door pulls your mind from its wandering. Joel’s brow furrows, rolling out of the bed. People don’t knock on your door often. They usually barrel right in, unless it’s bad. Your stomach drops. 

Joel is out of the bedroom, shrugging on a shirt. Dina’s voice calls through your home. “Hello?” She sounds worried, desperate. 

You swing your legs over the side of the bed. It takes more time to stand these days. If you try too quickly, your head rushes making you feel dizzy. 

“Dina? What’s wrong?” Joel’s at the bottom of the stairs now, but his voice carries. You have to stop at the top of the stairs to catch your breath. 

“Ellie is gone.”

You freeze, grabbing the railing for stability. “What?”

Joel turns around, worry etched in his face. “Where did she go?”

“I don’t know. She mentioned something about the Fireflies and a hospital, but she wouldn’t talk to me.” You make out the flicker of hurt in Dina’s face. Those two tell each other everything, or most things. You’re not sure Ellie has told her about her immunity. You all keep that one pretty close to your chests. 

“Shit,” Joel mumbles. He glances between you at his back and the front door in front of him. You see the push and pull. He needs to go after her. He needs to be here for you. 

His eyes settle on you. Your hand settles on top of your swollen belly. He’s looking for permission. You want to give it, but what if he’s needed here before he gets back. 

“She’s been off lately. I don’t know why. She won’t talk to me.” Dina seems to sense the silent conversation going on. “I can go after her, but-“

“No, I need to go.” Joel swings back toward the teenager, both hands placed on his hips. You try to bite back the panic rising inside you. He’ll be fine. They’ll both be fine. “Do you know when she left?”

“Probably sometime before the sun came up. Shimmer isn’t in the stable.” 

Joel lets out a ragged sigh, hands running over his face. You try to keep the tears away, your hormones making it difficult. 

“Will you let Maria know I’m going after her? I need to pack.” 

Dina nods, her eyes flickering up to you before she’s gone in a flash of dark curls. Joel turns around, hand resting on the banister at the bottom of the stairs. You swallow and walk back into the bedroom. 

It’s silent at first, nothing but the sounds of draws opening and closing and the soft slaps of his leather saddle bags. You sit in silence at the edge of your bed, chewing on your lip as you watch him. Ellie needs him. It echoes on repeat in your brain. 

“I can probably catch her. We’ll be back in two weeks if I don’t.”

You stare down at your ever growing belly. You could easily be pregnant when he returns, but what if you’re not? You’re fairly certain you’ll have this baby sooner rather than later, but Ellie needs him too.

“Why does she want to go back to Salt Lake?”

Joel freezes for a second, like he’s contemplating his answer. It sets an uneasy feeling in your bones. “I don’t know. Maybe she thinks some of the Fireflies are still there? That this whole cure business is still an option?”

You nod, thoughts drifting to her face when you looked at her blood a couple months ago. She looked desperate. You hadn’t seen her like that before. It was almost unnerving, like the need to be needed by humanity had returned tenfold. It made you wonder if you’d been there for her enough these past few months.

“I have to go after her.”

There’s a desperation you don’t quite recognize in Joel’s eyes, sending a thread of dread through your body. Is he leaving something out? Not telling you something? You nod, biting your lip. “I know.”

He lays his hand on your bump, fingers stretching out over it. “We’ve got time.”

You nod. “Hurry back, and be safe, okay?”

Joel kisses your forehead. “Always.”

He rides out thirty minutes later. 

You try to stay busy while they’re gone, cleaning the clinic and the house thrice over as the nesting and anxiety sets in. You ask Tommy to get the crib out of the attic as you prep the corner of your bedroom for the baby, wiping it free from the dust and cobwebs. 

Maria hosts a small get together for you pulling together some semblance of a baby shower, something you hadn’t had with Carter. It's nice, but you feel like they skirt around the questions nagging in their brains. Where did Ellie and Joel go? Will they be back in time? You don’t have answers. You have the same fucking question. Will they be back? 

The braxton hicks kick up, so much so you think you’re in labor ten days after Joel rides out. The fear that courses through your body is so paralyzing that you just lay in bed. Your body tenses with the memory’s of Carter’s labor. It’s not the physical pain of it, but the emotional rollercoaster you went through, alone. You’re not supposed to do this alone this time.  

Then, the contractions stop with no explanation and you fall into a restless sleep. You miss Joel, his warmth and comfort. His unspoken love that fills the room. You’re becoming more comfortable with the idea of it. 

You miss Ellie too, worried about what she’s going through. Providing it’s still vacant, Salt Lake won’t hold any answer for her. What lengths will she go to? How many miles will she travel in search of answers you believe don’t exist? How will she handle reality? 

You see the differences in Carter too. In his mind, Ellie and Joel have always been here. Two weeks without them feels like a lifetime to him, and to you. 

On day twelve, your front door flies open as you come down the stairs. Ellie bursts through looking frantic and frazzled. Her short cropped hair sticks up in certain places. Dirt smudges her forehead. You’re too relieved to see her to worry about her appearance. If anything, it’s expected after two weeks of travel, but your relief is short lived. 

“Did you know?” She yells. The door stays wide open behind her, rage flaming in her eyes. 

“What?” 

“Did you know?”

“Know what?” You step toward her, reaching out, but she backs away like a wild animal.

“He killed them! All of them!” 

“Killed who? Ellie, take a deep breath.”

“Joel! He killed the fireflies! They had a cure!”

Your breath catches. It’s not that Joel has killed people. You know about the years he spent as a raider. You know the cost of surviving in this world, but this isn’t the story you have been told about Salt Lake. When you asked him why she would go back, he lied. He knew. Knew the story hadn’t lined up in Ellie’s mind. 

“So he lied to you too!”

“Ellie!” Joel is stern as his frame fills your doorway. 

She spins around, the week of silence she spent next to him on the road back, wrath bubbling over and focused on him. “Tell her! Tell her, Joel!” She steps toward him. “Tell her what you did!” She shoves against his shoulders. 

“Ellie…” He repeats her name, softer this time. 

“Don’t do that!” She turns back to you, tears streaming down her cheeks. “They were going to make a cure from me, and you stopped them! You slaughtered them!”

“They were going to kill you!”

Your eyes widen, and it makes sense. Why Joel hasn’t talked about it. Why he needed to go after her. Why Ellie feels so useless. She’d been promised the cure. He’d taken that from her with a facade of an excuse.

“You should have let them!” Ellie screams until she pushes past him, rushing out of your house. 

Joel lets out a sigh, defeat evident across his features. You can’t even enjoy their homecoming, their safety, your head spinning too much. 

Joel shuts the door behind him, stepping closer like he’s expecting an embrace, but you step back, a mother’s anger building in your bones. He looks surprised. “Sweetheart…”

“You lied to her.”

“I protected her.” Joel’s eyes narrow. He’s tired and irritable. Neither of you expected a fight to ensue the moment he got home. “And I wouldn’t change a thing.”

“You’ve watched her struggle with this for years!” 

“They were going to kill her!”

“Have you listened to anything she’s said?” 

You almost don’t recognize the Joel in front of you. He looks like a shell of the assured, warm man you know. You wonder if this is the version of Joel Tommy used to speak of. The one Joel has told you about during those late night chats when you spilled the depths of yourselves to each other, or you thought you had. The one who floated through his days, barely living. 

“I couldn’t lose her!” 

“Except you did!”

Joel straightens, shoulders setting in denial. “She’s alive! That’s what matters.”

“You’re missing the point!”

“You’re saying I should have let them go ahead with it! Let them cut open her head for a cure you don’t believe is possible!” 

Fire blazes in Joel's eyes. You see it. There’s no rationalizing with him about this. In his eyes, there were no choices to be made. He did the only thing. It doesn’t matter what else he has to sacrifice, she’s alive and that’s all that matters. “That’s not-”

He scoffs, cutting you off. You see the pain and hurt ripple through his body, causing him to step back from you. “Sure sounds like it.”

“Joel!”

“Don’t.” He yanks the front door open. “I can’t be here right now.” 

He disappears across the threshold in the blink of an eye leaving you with a mountain to process and a growing tension across your stomach.

Joel knows he’s in the wrong. He knows he shouldn’t have lied to Ellie, held the truth from you. He’s a grown man, of course he knows what’s right and wrong, but that admittance doesn’t do anything to calm him. He needs to get out. Out of the house. Out of the walls into the open. It doesn’t matter that he just came from two weeks out there. 

He sneaks over the wall with more ease than he should be able. Instantly, he feels the tightening in his chest begin to ease. He paces the outside of the wall like a caged animal, the series of events reeling through his mind. He doesn’t realize how much he’s been pushing it back since they left Salt Lake. Her words, her pleas, over and over. She’d given him every opportunity to tell her the truth and he kept the lie going. 

There was no cure. The words he’d utter to her after they found that couple, one dead the other infected while out on patrol. 

He’d almost told her, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t lose her. Couldn’t risk it.  

His pacing becomes more frantic as he remembers the fear he felt at the thought of losing Ellie, the fear that pushed him into wiping away every firefly that crossed his path. The same fear that put lies in his mouth before he had time to think, that kept him from telling her the truth. He knew this would happen one day, but hadn’t been enough. He’d kept it from everyone, including you. 

Tell me, she had pleaded with him, begged him and he still felt the pull to replace his lie with another. 

She’d had to poke and prod to get the words from his mouth. Had to threaten to leave before she got the truth. That hurt almost as much as the fallout. Everyone thought he was a better man than he actually was. Ellie, you, himself, but when it came down to it. He failed that test. Good men don’t make someone threaten to leave to get the truth. 

I’ll go back, but we’re done.

Joel wears a path in the fresh grass beneath his feet, letting the spring chill take over when the sun sets, leaving him in darkness. Ellie had kept her word. He’d never heard her stay quiet for so long. The loss had begun to settle in with her riding next to him. 

Joel’s muscles ache from two weeks out on the road. He misses you and Carter. He hasn’t even touched you yet. Will you let him? 

Getting over the wall from the outside proves more difficult than it had the first time. Which is a good thing, but had Joel feeling every one of his 59 years. Embarrassment creeps over his cheeks with each step toward your home. The one he shares with you, but he feels like a guest as he climbs the steps. He doesn’t catch a glimpse of you or Carter or anyone else through the windows. 

The house is silent when he enters, no signs of life except for the faint buzzing of light bulbs. His brow furrows. You wouldn’t have left the lights on if you weren’t home. Then a faint sound comes from upstairs, movement at the very least. He follows it, placing his hand on the closed bedroom door before cracking it open. 

Soft groans come from behind the cracked bathroom door followed by a whispered curse. Maria's voice follows. Joel’s throat drops into his stomach. His boots echo off the wood floor as he crosses the room. “Sweetheart?” he calls, staying on his side of the door. “Is everything alright?”

“Joel? Get in here,” you groan out. 

It sends some reassurance through him to hear you so clearly before he swings the door open. His eyes go wide at the sight of you in the tub, sweat staining your skin as Maria kneels next to you. “Shit, are you?”

“Make yourself useful and hold my hand.” 

He nods, kneeling beside you. Maria stands, grabbing a few instruments from the bathroom sink, she gives Joel a look that lets him know you’re near the end of labor. Your baby will be here in minutes. It sends a rush through him. “I’m sorry, Darlin.”

You grab onto his hand tightly. It’s wet from the bathwater sloshing around you as you fight to get comfortable. It’s a useless pursuit, but it doesn’t keep you from trying. “Can we do the apologizing later? I’m kinda busy at the moment.” 

“Yes,” Joel takes a deep breath, his heart pounding in his ears. He squares his shoulders next to you, giving an air of assurance you know he doesn’t have. “I’m here for whatever you need.”

“I think you missed most of it.”

“Not that you’ve had much to miss,” Maria says, stern. She pissed at him, which is more than fair given everything. You’d had some time to explain what happened. “We tried to find you. Her labor progressed pretty quick.”

“Speaking of which-” You let out a gasp, face twisting in pain. “I think the baby is crowning.”

“She must be in a hurry,” Joel says. 

“She?” 

“Just a hunch.” Joel smiles, kissing your head.

For the next few minutes, the rest of the world doesn’t exist. Your fight never happened because there’s only one thing on your minds, bringing your baby into the world. The world goes silent again, but not in a bad way. A way that makes you feel at peace, Joel’s warm hand in yours. It doesn’t take long until she announces her arrival with a fiery scream once Maria pulls her out of the water. 

You hold her close, tears of relief gathering in your eyes. Joel leans in, his forehead pressed to your temple, arms wrapping around you and your daughter as she pulls air into her lungs. 

“You did great, Sweetheart.” He whispers into your hair as he kisses your cheek, cupping your daughter’s head. “She’s beautiful.”

Your eyes flicker between him and your newborn. It’s the moment you’ve been envisioning for months, the one you thought you’d get with Gabe when Carter was born. A little piece of you mends. Your child soothes against your skin. 

After you’re both cleaned up, Joel helps you into bed, then settles beside you. She sleeps in your arms, tiny fist clenched around one of Joel’s fingers still curled up in your softest bath towel. You brush her cheek softly. 

“I believe we decided on Willa Peace?”

“Did we?” You tilt your head to the side, a grin verging on your lips. “I thought we weren’t hippies.”

Joel shrugs, tracing your shoulders. “I had a lot of time to think about it the past couple of weeks.”

“Joel…”

Dirt still traces over his face. He hasn’t had time to clean off since he got back. You catch the faint smell of sweat on his clothes and skin. “I know.”

“I would have done the same thing to save her. You know what I think about cures.” You keep your gaze on your child. It only reminds you what you brought her into. “You lied to her over and over when she needed the truth.”

“I was trying to protect her.”

“I wish you would’ve told me.”

“I know.”

“This only works if we’re open with each other.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you are.” You bite your lip. “I’m going to need some time with this one.”

Joel nods, arm wrapping around you. “I know.”

You lean into him, enjoying the quietness that surrounds the three of you.

“Willa Peace Miller,” You smile. “Has a nice ring to it.”

“Yeah.” Joel hums beside you. “Can’t believe she’s actually here.” 

“And we’re both okay.”

He nods, and neither of you can tear your eyes away from the precious little being in your arms. You hang on every rise and fall of her chest, everything micro movements, the soft flutter of her eyes that never quite open. It all feels so fragile, so sacred. 

You remember similar moments with Carter. When the grief and the world got too loud, you would lay on the floor or bed with him on your chest asleep. The weight of his small body was a tether that kept you from flying away. 

Even in this moment, as your heart inexplicitly expands, you feel that thread of fear winding itself through your body. Another person to love and protect. Another person to keep from the jaws of the world. Another person you can’t bear to lose. 

“You know,” you say, pulling Joel’s attention. “If you were ever gonna pull those baby clothes and blankets out of your drawer, now would be the time.”

His brow furrows and then eases with realization. “How long have you known they were there?”

You let out a soft chuckle. “I washed them the next time you went out on patrol. I wasn’t going to leave those filthy things in your drawer.”

“You were going through my things, I see.”

“Next time don’t try to hide something in your drawer from the person who washes your clothes.” 

Joel laughs, easing out of the bed to fetch the items from the drawer. “Got it, I’ll be sneakier next time.”

“Can you get the onesie with the yellow flowers?” You bite back a smile. He doesn’t know how you often pulled the drawer open and just gazed upon the items. It helped you visualize it all even when the fear threatened to take over. Another child, and here she was. You’d been most drawn to the little yellow flowers. 

Joel laughs, grabbing the onsie and the swaddle with little yellow flowers to match. You’re gentle with her as you work the small article of clothing over her tiny body. It’s a bit baggy, but you can’t complain. It just means she can wear it for longer. She sleeps through all the jostling as if she’s fully absorbed her middle name. 

She’s settled back into your arms when a soft tap echoes on your door. “Mommy?” Carter’s voice comes through muffled. 

“You can come in.”

The door flies open as your son bursts through the door, grin spread wide on his face. Ellie stands behind him, looking like the space might envelope her.

 “Aunt Maria said I have a baby sister.” 

“You want to meet her?” you ask. 

Carter nods eagerly, dashing toward your bed. Joel catches him before he can jump onto the bed beside you and potentially on you. 

“Daddy!” Carter’s eyes go wide. He hasn’t seen Joel in almost two weeks. 

Joel laughs, arms tightening around the boy. “Hey, bud.”

Your eyes meet Ellie’s. Her eyes are red, bags deep underneath. You motion her next to you. She hesitates before sliding onto the bed beside you. She’s timid, keeping to the edge, eyes flicking over you and Willa. 

“You can get closer.” 

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I never got to hug you earlier.” 

She looks down, eyes scanning over your comforter like she’s reliving her homecoming. Once she’s close enough, your arm slips around her shoulders, tugging her close. She nuzzles into your side like a child seeking comfort. “You’re alright?” she asks.

“Yeah… we both are.” You say, kissing the top of her head. “I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything.”

“But I’m still sorry you’re going through this.”

Ellie seems to sink into your further, eyes pinned to Willa. She doesn’t answer you. She doesn’t look at Joel as he sinks next to you with Carter, but you feel her tense when he does. 

“What’s her name?” Ellie asks. 

“Willa,” you reply. 

“Baby Willa.” Carter grins proudly. 

And the five of you sit there together in silence. You try to push it out of your head that it’s the last time you all might be together for a while. Even now, you feel the underlying anger rolling through Ellie’s body. This is a wound that’s been festering. It’s going to take time to heal. 

Eventually, Ellie slips from your side without a word to leave. She’s barely out the door when Joel goes after her. 

“Ellie,” Joel says, catching her on the front porch.

Her head whips around, expression set in stone. “I’m here for them, not you.” She keeps her voice low to not be overheard by nosy neighbors. “They’re my family. Do you understand?” 

Joel’s apology catches in his throat. He’s been apologizing the whole way back from Salt Lake. He knows there’s nothing he can say to rush this process. He made a decision, and these are his consequences. “Yeah… I got it.”

“Good.” 

She doesn’t give him a chance to say anything else.  

The bed is empty next to you, the sheets cool to the touch. Your eyes blink open. Cool moonlight shines through the window. You glance at the bathroom door. No light shines through the crease. Joel’s name is on your lips, interrupted by his voice. 

“Do you like the butterflies?” 

You turn to your side. Joel sits next to the crib, talking to Willa. She’s awake, moonlight reflecting off her big eyes. She’s content and still. 

“Your big sister liked butterflies. When they come out in the summertime, I feel her around me.”

She stares at Joel, mesmerized by his voice. Your eyes float upward to the mobile Joel made. He hadn’t explained it to you, but you already knew. Sarah had pinned them all throughout their Austin home. You keep one stuck to the window above the kitchen sink. There’s one tucked in his nightstand drawer. 

“I think she sent you to me.” He lets it sit there, contemplating the weight and depth of what he said. “I think she sent you to me, your momma, Ellie, I suppose she’s your big sister too, Carter. All of you.

“Her name was Sarah. She would have loved you.” He chuckles. “She used to ask me for a baby brother or sister. I didn’t know your momma yet… Well, I guess I did, but that’s a whole ‘nother story.”

You stifle a laugh unsuccessfully. Joel’s eyes lock on yours. He smiles, shooting you a wink. He looks younger under the moonlight, more at ease. The creases in his skin are less apparent. 

“Your momma, she’s quite a bit younger than me.” The smile stays pinned to his face. “It’s not so creepy now- least that’s what she tells me- but it would’ve been then, and I was a decent fella back before the world went to shit. Besides, between you and me.” He leans closer to Willa’s ear, but his eyes are still on you. “Your momma had a pretty big crush on me back then.”

You groan, heat flushing your cheeks. It shouldn’t be embarrassing, but it is. You chuck his pillow at him. Joel catches it, laughing. It’s the kind that sits deep in one’s chest and bubbles up with the purest kind of joy. You can’t help but smile. 

He slowly stands, grunting as he does. You hear the familiar pop of his joints. He leans into the crib. You notice Willa’s eyes have fallen shut. “I love you, my little wildflower.” He kisses her cheek before falling back into bed next to you. 

His arm wraps around your waist. Pulling you close, he steals a kiss on your forehead. “I’m getting too old to sit on the floor like that.”

“You’re getting too old to have a newborn, yet here we are.” Your fingers run through his hair. 

“Still can’t believe she’s here… you’re both healthy.”

“Neither can I.” You glance back at the crib. She’s just a few days old and already, you can’t imagine life without her. 

Tears well at the corner of your eyes. Your heart has grown so much. You thought you couldn’t open it to more people, yet here you are. The you of 4 years ago would be too terrified of losing this life to give it a chance, the price of pain too high. Yet here you are, embracing it, taking that risk, because this is living, and the love and belonging far outweigh the potential for pain even as it grows with every passing day. You fell into the trap,and it’s a crowded one, but it’s a happy one. 

Joel kisses your cheek. “You should get some sleep before she wakes up hungry.” 

“Mmm,” you hum as his hands move soothingly over your back. “Someone not named Willa woke me up.”

Joel chuckles. “I’m sorry, Sweetheart.”

But even now you feel your eyelids getting heavier. 

“Did you mean what you said?”

“About?”

You let your eyes fall shut as Joel massages out a knot in your back. You lean into it. “About Sarah sending us to you.”

“I did.” He kisses your forehead. 

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@eloquentdreamer @lizzie-cakes @hiroikegawa

[givemearmstopraywith]

yo! I’ve seen some of your posts around, so I figured I’d come to the source. I’ve been hesitant to engage with liberation theology as my journey moving away from of the evangelical faith I was raised in still feels recent, amorphous and short (I’m still in undergrad). I’m wondering how you’d present liberation theology to someone who’s wary but willing to engage with theology after a couple years of attempted cold turkey, but really interested in gaining consciousness of white supremacy in the way they might generalize the Christianity they reject

liberation theology is at its core not white theology. it's inceptors are all latino. its also catholic. i find it as antithical to evangelical christianity as you can get without actually going outside of christianity. evangelicalism is inherently capitalistic and protestant. liberation theology deeply marxist. it is the lived, rather than theoretical, preference for the poor and marginalized.

but liberation theology is hard. it's hard to live and it's hard to practice. it requires an exteriority that feels dangerous and vulnerable. it is vulnerable. liberation theology means liberation for everyone: not only those we like and can empathize with, but also those we do not like. our oppressors, our tormentors, our abusers. it is recognizing how everyone is in their own secret bondage and knowing that where human justice falls short, God's justice is eternal, infernal, and beautiful. it's generous. the world is not.

liberation theology also asserts the divine goodness of God, because a God who loves us is also a God who will liberate us. this is the whole thread that runs through the story of christianity when it is stripped of institutionalized bigotry and dogma. God's story is a love story. he is trying to break the chains we make for ourselves. the chains we are forced to wear by others.

my general primer for intro to liberation theology is gustavo guiterrez, leonardo boff (both latino liberation theologians, the father of the field), and james cone (black theology). also marcella althaus-reid and carter heyward (queer and indecent theology), naim ateek (palestinian liberation theology), and m shawn copeland (womanist, or black feminist, liberation theology). this isnt comprehensive, but they are the liberation theologians i've read and loved, as a person who felt disconnected from my faith after interactions with the evangelical church, when i was trying to find my way back to God just after i finished undergrad.

i will also add, you mentioned you're still in undergrad. you have God's whole messy eternity ahead of you to find him. he wants you: if you want him, he's waiting. you'll find him. you've got this.

[voiidlizrd]

Omg I came across your Star Child fic and I and IN LOVE.

Do you think we could get a continuation?

AHHH!!! Thank you all so much!! I really appreciate the love from the last post too! It means a lot to me since I love writing things like these! (＾▽＾)

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Dorm Leaders and Hurt/Sick Star!Child Reader

Disclaimer(s): Little bits of angst but lots of fluff and comforting! May include gross stuff like throwing up, bits of blood (due to accidental injury!) and things like that! Also typos.

Includes: Riddle, Leona, Azul, Kalim, Vil, Malleus

┌── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┐

Riddle is apart of the horse riding club and brings you along to usually just watch, considering he cannot leave you alone without a proper adult (aka Trey and usually only Trey or maybe Carter considering he doesn’t trust the other dorm members as far as he can throw them) around to make sure you don’t eat anything or set anything on fire… again.

But then again, he does really enjoy bringing you along. You seem to really enjoy the horses and they seem pretty alright with you, mostly because they don’t seem to care either way wether you were around or not. Either way, Riddle thinks it’s nice to have you around.

But then you wanted to ride his horse with him!

“Pleeeeease? Just this once? I won’t ask again!” You whined tugging at PE uniform shirt, giving him a pout and attempting to do those puppy dog eyes to sway him, but it never usually works unless you annoy him long enough.

“You’re too little, Y/N,” Riddle said, putting the rattle on his horse and tightening its straps. “You might get hurt if you aren’t careful.”

“But you’re little too.” You said casually, giving him a blank look. It only worsened the blow as you just insult him based on his height.

He grits his teeth and feels his cheeks heating up, face scrunching up. “Hush! I’m older than you which is why I ride the horses! You’re like, what, nine?”

“I’m one.”

“You’re at leaste nine.” Well, you appear nine years old, but if he were getting technical, you were right about being one since you falling could be counted as your birth and having a human form, making you one, or maybe two years old.

“Still, you cannot ride the horses. Not yet at least. Maybe when you turn ten for your next birthday—“ which you picked yourself! Apparently you wanted the day to be the first time you met him, which totally didn’t make him want to cry… “I’ll let you ride the horses with me.”

You huff and cross your arms, making Riddle sigh at you, lightly ruffling your hair (though awkwardly, he’s still getting use to giving you affection).

“Riddle!” Sebek called from afar, his horse fully set up by the reins. “I think your reins are in the shed by the stables! Silver forgot to put them where they usually go in our last meeting!”

Riddle huffed and gave you one look and gave you a little smile, a small attempt to comfort you a little, before lightly jogging back to the stables and near the shed, which was a few yards away from the large sports field. Which left you alone with Riddles horse, those big beady black eyes staring into yours.

You lifted your tiny hand up to the neck of the horse’s brown fur, lightly patting it, which the horse merely stared at you as you attempted to pet it’s mane as well. It seemed unbothered but you and your antics, not even flinching or trying to nip at you when you threaded your fingers through its hair and caught a knot.

Then you got an idea…

You blinked at the horse and then grabbed onto the saddle, jumping up a few times to try and put your foot into the foot holders. After a few tries, you were able to hoist yourself up, though awkwardly and partly dangling halfway off the other side, attempting to readjust yourself, before finally sitting on the sattle.

It was high up there. To you and your little self, you thought you were a giant, a ruler of the world! Why would Riddle ever want to stop you from being this tall!? Was he jealous? You bet he would be if he saw you now!

“Y/N!” Speak of the Devil and he shall appear. “GET DOWN FROM THERE NOW!”

The burst of his voice and the fact he was racing towards you and the horse spooked the horse, making it get all fidgety and start to move around anxiously. Riddle didn’t notice until he got too close, realizing that the horse was now officially stress out and you were left clinging onto it as it ran off, Riddle whistling after it and calling for it.

You lost your grip on the horse’s mane and you were easily thrown off given how small you are, tumbling to the ground and kicking up dirt, your dorm uniform messed up and scratching yourself on stray rocks that were lying about.

Riddle wasn’t lying when he would say his heart dropped because his heart did stop and drop to his stomach when he saw you fall off and hit your head on the ground in the process.

“Y/N!” He called, his horse slowing to a halt when Silver ran up to intervene.

He crouched down to your side and held you in his arms, checking you over and feeling a little relieved when he didn’t see any blood, just a couple scrapes and bruises. But hitting your head would be worse than any blood.

“Are you alright!?” Riddle asked, trying to make you open your eyes and look at him, but you kept your eyes tightly closed, possibly from dirt getting in your eyes. “Y/N?”

“Are you two alright!?” Sebek came running over with his horse and looked to Silver who held Riddle’s horse and his own. “How about you put those two away, I’ll put my horse back in the stables later, Y/N needs medical assistance!”

You blinked your eyes open for a moment, rubbing the dirt that hurt your eyes and looked to Riddle. Riddle’s expressions was odd, especially since he hadn’t looked like this before, so fearful and concerned. He watched at you sniffled once, twice, and then you started bawling your eyes out, wailing loudly and wrapping your arms around his neck. You weren’t feeling any pain other than some stings, you just felt overwhelmed with the adrenaline and the sudden rush and how terrified Riddle looked.

“Y/N?” Riddle wrapped his arms around you, threading his fingers through your hair. He didn’t realize how tight his grip was around you.

“I-I’m sorry!” You cried, snot running down your nose and tears running down your dirt covered cheeks as you buried yourself in his shirt. “I’m sorry!”

If you had done this before his overblot and before he had a seriously reality check coming to him, he would’ve screamed his heart out at you and scolded you for hours after getting you to the nurse, but he couldn’t find it in himself to blame you. After all, you are just a child, practically a baby.

“It was not your fault!” He said grabbing your face. “I should have been more watchful of you. It was my fault.”

You continued you cry and press your face in his neck, wrapping your legs around his torso like a koala. Silver and Sebek tried to ask what they needed to do to help, but Riddle dismissed them both, prompting to carry you to the nurse to take a once over to make sure nothing was broken.

So that’s what Riddle did, he swallowed his pride and carried you all the way to the nurse. Who cares if other people are staring at him while walking down the halls!? He was gonna get you to the nurse!

In the end you were perfectly fine, just needed a bandaid or two and a seriously cleaning up. All the while you refused to let go of your koala grip the whole time, not even when you two got back to the dorm.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Riddle stared back at him and sighed, feeling grey hairs already starting to form. “

Trey stared at the sight slightly amused and very confused. You clinging to Riddle with a dirtied uniform and Riddle looking stressed than ever holding you just as tightly as you were holding him.

“So… What happened?” Trey asked.

Riddle sighed and could feel grey hairs starting to form. “Can you watch Y/N from now on whenever I go to club meetings?”

“…Yeah? Why…?”

“Just… Do it. Please.”

“Okay?”

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

It had be hours and you still haven’t let Riddle go. The only time you did, you did in order to get dressed and take a bath, then you went straight back to koala mode, feeling very clingy now towards him after his concern and your near “death” experience with a horse. Now, Riddle, didn’t mind the first few minutes of this koala holding/cuddling, but now it was starting to get a little silly. Anytime he tried to get you off, you started tearing up immediately, which made Riddle panic and let you back up in his arms, which now left him sitting on the couch with a little child clinging onto him and refusing to let go.

“Y/N I have to get up, can you please let go?”

“No!”

Riddle sighs. This will be going on for a while.

┌── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┐

Leona left you usually to Ruggie most of the time, considering he sucks with children, but that usually fails since you come back around to him no matter where he is. He swears you’re like a leech rather than a star and considering he knows Jade and Floyd, it says something. But something about today makes him uneasy.

He was resting in his room, ready for a nap because he was exhausted of everyone around him, and curled up ready to sleep it away. But then as he settled, he realized how quiet it was aside from the usual chatter outside from his dorm members. That was normal. What wasn’t normal was the fact you were running into his room ready to either bother him, usually asking (demanding) to nap next to him, like you always do (which he allows you to do because he’s too tired to tell you no). But there wasn’t a single sound of your tiny self scrambling into his room nor Ruggie attempting to grab you from jumping on the grumpy sleepy lion, though Ruggie barely tried to stop you since he found it adorable. You were like a demanding sibling needing attention from their big brother. It reminded Ruggie of how he looks up to Leona. Leona didn’t understand it, but dealt with you reluctantly.

Now he was restless because you’ve officially ruined his napping routine. He growls and slinks out of the bed, practically stomping out of his room and finding yours easily, since it was closer to his and Ruggie’s. That’s when he heard Ruggie cooing over you and your soft crying. He entered the room, the door already cracked open, and sees you in your bed shivering and crying as Ruggie puts a cold rag over your forehead, trying to comfort you, although a little poorly since his encouraging words fell on deaf ears.

“I don’t wanna die…” You cried out. “It hurts!”

“I know, I know,” Ruggie sighs. “But don’t worry, this is perfectly normal! It’s just a flu. Your body is just fighting off a bad sickness, is all.”

“It hurts… Make it stop…” You sniffled, your nose all stuffed and fighting against wanting to throw off the blankets and keep them on, your body going from hot and cold in minutes.

“You’ll be alright after a few days, promise.” He said with a little smile, patting your head. Then he noticed the prince standing in the doorway.

“Oh, hey Leona, uh just gimme a sec, I gotta make them take this medicine.”

“No!” You protested, attempting to sit up but immediately laid back down when your head throbbed. “It tastes nasty!”

“Well, this is gonna help you get better faster so I’d suggest taking it!” Ruggie huffed, pouring the liquid medicine onto a tablespoon.

Leona felt himself shiver at the idea of the medicine. He’s had his fair share of drinking that liquid poison and he still could remember the taste on his tongue.

“What’s wrong with the brat?”

Ruggie huffs in frustration as he tries to put the spoon near your mouth, but you kept moving your face away. “They’re sick. I think their body now is starting to get use to the more human side of things, like sickness and whatnot.”

You then realized Leona was there and gave him a look, lower lip trembling as you stared at him, staring. “Leo…”

Sniffling again you reached out to him, grabby hands demanding him for a hug. He gave you a face, scrunching up his nose, and he shakes his head.

“You’re sick, no way in hell am I getting close to you.”

“Hey!” Ruggie tried to shove the spoon in your mouth since you’re cut off guard, but you shove your face under the blanket. He groans. “I’m the one dealing with them! What happens when I get sick, huh!?”

“That’ll be your problem.”

“Asshole.”

Ruggie wants to give up with the medicine, opting to just wait until later when you’re sleepy and unable to fuss and just make you drink it, but Leona has different methods. He grabbed the spoon and yanked the covers off, making you protest loudly.

“Hey. If you drink this, I’ll stay here with you. Someone’s gotta keep an eye on you and I can’t nap since I feel like you’re gonna smother me in my sleep all the time.”

Your eyes lit up and you grabbed the spoon and drank the medicine like it was nothing and the whole fight against it was for nothing. Ruggie was definitely pissed but decided not to show it, merely twitching his eye and his tail swishing in annoyance behind him.

But then he suddenly got chipper. “Hey! Since you’re gonna watch over them, you’re clearly gonna take care of them the whole time since their sick, right?”

“No, wait that’s not what I meant-“

“Thanks Leona!” He was already out the door. “Bye!!”

Leona growled under his breath but then looked at you. You were staring at him with a frown, small tears going down your cheeks and a hand grabbing at his large hand, pathetic pleading eyes looking back at him.

“You’re not leaving me, right?” Your voice rasped. “I don’t wanna be alone…”

Ahhhhhh shit. That hit him in the gut. He was frowning before but now it looks like he’s frowning but with a wince. He complains a lot about you, but he seriously cannot ever say no to you, usually. Something he learned when he was a kid is that if you weren’t in the spotlight, you’d never be in the spotlight at all. You were either met with dismissive glances or small smiles of pity and words of pretend, or just generally being met with judgment. You were just a little kid with nowhere to go and no family at all, with him left to care about you. He cares about Cheka, but then again Cheka was a reminder of something he could never have. Even though he’s given up on it a long time ago, it still leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. But then there was you, just a silly baby child who barely knew anything about the world and complaining about dying over a simple flu, crying and sniffling about it. No crown, no family, no nothing. Perhaps he can give you what he never got.

Leona sighed heavily and his ear twitched, practically shoving you to the side and flopping down beside you. You immediately latched onto him like the little leech you were, sniffling and whining about your head hurting and your eyes hurting too.

“Calm down and try sleeping.” He huffed, patting you awkwardly on the head.

It went quiet for a moment and he relaxed, shutting his eyes and yawning loudly while you kept yourself latched to his arm like a rat.

“Leo…?” Your voice came out quietly. He huffed through his nose and made a noise in acknowledgment.

“I read about family in stories,” you said. “And I’ve heard Ruggie talk about his siblings and I thought of you. Does that mean we’re a family?”

NO. NO. NO NO NO NO. What is this warm feeling inside his chest? This disgusting warm feeling that makes him feel happy and proud? Gross. Sickening… he wants to bash his head in the wall from how overwhelmed he is with this feeling inside this chest causing his heart to ache. He subconsciously rubs your back and sighs.

“Yeah, sure, whatever. Now go to sleep.”

Ignoring the bright smile going across your face, he shuts his eyes tightly and yawns again. You are quick to pass out, given how exhausted you are and the medicine kicking in. Perhaps it’s because your body hasn’t experienced the medicine nor a flu before, so the energy you have is quickly dwindling because of it. He’ll have to talk to that birdbrain Crowley and see if he can get you a doctor to get any shots. He can’t have you dying on him because of some flimsy illness in the potential future. Who knows how weak your new immune system is.

He’s just gonna ignore how brotherly he sounds.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

“I told you so.”

“Shut the hell up Ruggie.”

“NO LEO DONT DIE!”

“I’m not dying, I just have the flu. The flu you gave me, need I remind you.”

“IM SORRY!!!”

“Oi! Stop crying all over me!”

┌── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┐

Azul isn’t that good with children. That isn’t to say he doesn’t try. Jade and Floyd are usually untrusted by him to take care of you. Sure they have siblings of their own, but given how they are, there is no doubt that they’ll turn you into more of a menace than you already are, especially since you keep biting him with those grimy little teeth of yours.

Well, there is also the fact your enamored with your body. And that’s not bad, every child gets curious about how they look from their feet, nose, mouth, eyes. This didn’t exclude you. But unfortunately, you’re more questioning how your body functions. Now, he can’t answer most of your… weird questions…

Where does blood come from?

What does blood taste like?

What do my organs look like?

What do your organs look like.

…

He tries his best not to give you an answer to most of them, given how fucking weird they are. And he doesn’t blame you. In all honestly, you’re around Floyd, so he would be more surprised if you aren’t curious of how long the human body can go without air (which you did ask him about).

Creepy little gremlin child.

But it’s whatever. You’re a kid and one that hasn’t been in an actual body before. Again, your body is human, but it has very different functions from what he could tell.

Then, the day came where you got sick. He thought it wasn’t possible, but somehow it was after yesterday. You were messing around in the big tank again but refused to dry up properly. He tried to warn you;

“Y/N, you need to dry up. You’ll get sick.”

“No I won’t! I’ll be fine. I don’t need to worry about human illnesses.”

You ate those words when he found you curled up in your bed, sniffling and pouting and complaining. He was like a disappointed mom, a hand on his hip with a “I told you so” expression on his face.

“Zuzu,” you peaked at him from beneath your blanket, pleading eyes. “I think I’m dying.”

“Not dying. Just suffering the consequences of not listening to me.”

“You’re so mean!” You whined, sniffling and shivering into your thick blankets.

Jade entered the room with a knock on the door. He had a bowl of hot mushroom soup in hand, homemade and one of your favorite foods in Mostro Lounge, but the more you thought about eating it, the more your stomach did not want it.

Seeing your nose turn up and frown, Jade chuckled and sat beside you on the bed. “You must eat.” He said holding the spoon. “You’ll only start complaining about how your stomach hurts. If you don’t, I will force feed you.”

Sheesh that dangerous smile he was giving you sent shivers down your spine, making you pout more and your mind practically hissing in protest, but you give in and take the bowl and spoon.

“Awe poor starfishy…” Floyd had entered the room with a pout of his own collapsing at the foot of the bed. “Can’t you just spell it away, Azul?”

“Well…” Azul looked at your face as you slurped at your soup, but then beamed at him when you looked at him. He smirked at you. “No. I think you’ll do just find fighting it out. After all, your body must learn how to handle sicknesses like these.”

“You’re so mean ZuZu!” You cried. “I don’t wanna be sick anymore!”

“It’s your fault for not listening to me, Y/N.”

“I said I was sorry!!!”

Azul ushered Floyd and Jade out of the room, knowing that they’d probably scheming against him or making this even more difficult. As much as he loved his friends, he knows they can be a pain in the ass for him. Especially when it came to you, who’s an even more pain in the ass.

You finished your soup and left the soup bowl on the bedside table. You fully laid down and still had that pathetic look on your face as you looked at Azul. Azul couldn’t help but feel upset looking at you, a heavy feeling in his heart. Ah… Perhaps he was a bit too harsh. He sighs and takes his seat next to you, which you immediately latch onto him, which he awkwardly returned the side hug, but let you mostly leech onto his side.

“I would help you with a simple potion, but your body needs to get use to the more human side of things. This includes illness.” He explained as gently as he could for you to understand.

“But I don’t wanna!”

“Well you’re going to have to.”

You smothered yourself into his jacket, which he would have to wash later, but he sighs and pats your head.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be here for you the whole time, alright?”

When you looked up at him with those big ol’ eyes and smile, even with how puffy and your nose being all runny, he couldn’t help but feel his heart clench. He wants to throw you because of this overwhelming feeling, how dare you make him feel this way! (He’s gonna protect you to the day he dies, no, even after that, he’ll always protect you.)

“I love you zuzu! I’ll get better soon so we can swim!”

“That’s the reason you’re sick in the first place!”

…

“HEY DONT BITE ME!”

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

You had gotten better over the past few days, as he expected, but you’re up to your shenanigans again.

“Y/N! I TOLD YOU! NO SWIMMING SO SOON!!”

“Awww come on Azul!” Floyd was already in the tank and in his eel form. “The starfish is just fine now! It’s perfectly fine!”

You stared at Azul from up top near the tank and you two locked eyes.

“Y/N…” Azul put his hands on his hips, trying his best to look stern.

You continued to stare at him, inching closer to the water.

“Don’t you dare!”

…

You flopped into the water.

“Y/N!”

┌── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┐

Kalim wholeheartedly believed that today was gonna be a good day. He woke up feeling refreshed and you were acting less of a gremlin today so Jamil was ALSO in a good mood!

You two were hand in hand as he dragged you about Night Raven. Kalim’s plan today was to bring you to Jamil’s basketball practice to cheer him on. Though Jamil never really like Kamil coming to his practice matches since, well, they were just practice and nothing special, he did cave in when Kamil pleaded that he wanted to show you various activities that people do at Night Raven, which included basketball, which you had no idea what it was.

So there you were sitting at the benches watching the small match between Floyd, Jamil, and Ace. You were lightly cheering on Jamil with what he believed was encouragement? It was mostly you copying Kamil, who mostly said “go Jamil!” and you’d repeat him with a cheer that wasn’t very animatic as Kamil’s was, monotoned sounding, but he knew you meant it, even if you didn’t know how to express it, which made him want to try even harder! Even if it was just practice.

“Are you watching, Y/N?” Kamil was smiling beside you as he watched you watching the practice. You nodded and matched his smile, in awe when Floyd snatched the ball from Ace and slammed it into the hoop yet again. Which made Ace complain but Floyd was enjoying messing with him.

“Jamil is so cool! Maybe he can teach you a bit of basketball if you’re interested! I can try convincing him.”

You weren’t all that interested in the game itself, mostly with the ball they were throwing around. Your tiny brain was going nuts over the orange ball they passed and dribbled on the floor, watching it bounce. You wanted it because it bounced! You can throw it at so many things and it’ll just bounce! How cool was that!? To you, it was genius.

Your bitty baby brain wanted that ball.

You’re gonna get that ball.

They stopped practice after a while, which you weren’t sure when, and Jamil called for a fifteen minute break. Jamil then approached the bleachers where you and Kamil were sat. Kamil smiled joyfully at the sweaty player.

“You were so cool Jamil! Im glad you let us watch you practice! You work so hard!! Also wasn’t Y/N a great cheerleader? Even though they didn’t sound very enthusiastic.” Kamil rambled to Jamil, who looked more and more annoyed since he was tired.

Jamil sighs. “Thanks you two, really. But Kamil, could you mind helping me bring out the cooler? I forgot it back at the locker room. Ace is being dramatic and Floyd is… Well, he’s Floyd, he doesn’t wanna bother.”

“Of course! Uh… Y/N do you mind waiting here for a bit? We’ll be back in no time! And there will be yummy snacks in the cooler too!”

“But there’s only enough for the players…”

“Then we’ll share!”

“I doubt Floyd will like that.”

You basically checked out of their conversation, only focused on the ball tucked in Jamil’s arms. He noticed and smiled at you, handing you the large ball. The surface was much harder than you expected, also bumpy! You were fascinated.

“Mind holding this for me until I get back?” You nodded hastily and your nose was touching the ball. Staring at it intently. Jamil was confused but let you do your thing, it’s basically how he gets around when you’re being weird, like usual.

When they left, you were left with mostly the other players in the gym. There weren’t a lot since they all mostly headed out to make use of their break time, which left you mostly alone. You stared at the ball. You threw the ball lightly in the air and caught it with ease. Up and down and up and down. You did this for a while until you started bouncing the ball on the bottom of the bleachers, catching it each time. This was amazing and you loved this ball. But you wanted to toss it and let it come back to you, like how Jamil does on the court. So you stand up and walk down the bleacher stairs and onto the court. The other players didn’t pay any attention to you, only giving you a once over before doing their own things. You looked up at the hoop above you. It was very tall from what you’ve seen, but up close it was like staring up at a giant! You remembered some of the moves Jamil did when throwing the ball, like jumping up and throwing it. So you… Tried to do that. But unfortunately your jump was barely an inch off the ground and you tossed the ball hard into the ring of the hoop, causing the ball to bounce off it and come right back to you

And into your face.

The sound of the ball smacking hard against your face rang out in the gym as your whole face burned with the sting, the force of impact making you fall back, your butt now hurting from the fall, but your face hurt even more, especially your nose.

“Y/N!”

Instantly Kamil was at your side with more tears in his eyes than you. You weren’t even sure how fast he ran. Jamil was following right behind him with him carrying the cooler. Apparently from how it looked, Kamil’s second senses went off halfway in the hall while carrying the cooler and promptly let it go and ran off.

“Oh my Sevens, Y/N, are you okay!?” Kamil was on the verge of sobbing as he held your face gently. “Y-Your nose!”

You’re in a daze when you realize the wet feeling running down your nose. You press your fingers under your nose and found blood. Surprisingly, you barley even realized it and were more focused on Jamil’s ball. You stood up, ignoring the fact that the world was spinning and you were seeing double, grabbed the ball and wiped whatever little blood was on it, and handed it over to Jamil before collapsing into Kamil’s chest.

“OH MY SEVEN THEIR DEAD!”

“THEY ARENT DEAD KAMIL STOP SHAKING THEM LIKE THAT!”

“WAHH Y/N!!” He was sobbing like a baby while you were sleeping peacefully trying to get rid of the massive headache.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

You were banned from ever touching the basketballs ever again after that day, only ever using the soft ones and those made you bored very quickly because they weren’t the hard ones.

“Kamil I’ll be careful next time, can I please-“

“No! What if you slam it so hard into your face you hurt your brain or-or crack something?!”

“I don’t think that’s possible…” Jamil was on board with the whole “playing it safe” with the balls but Kamil was being a little dramatic.

“YOU NEVER KNOW!”

┌── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┐

(I got more comforting with Vil than silly cause I love Vil)

Vil had sent you to the school to find Mr. Crewel to see if he had spare devil ginger root and other ingredients that he could use in potions he was creating for the class. They were for a homework project, but unfortunately, he didn’t have enough and the shop was closed due to Sam being out for the day. So he sent you to find Crewel. Sure, to others it would seem irresponsible, given how you were just a small baby with little thoughts behind those eyes, but Vil knows that you are a smart potato, even when others seem to doubt your ever learning intelligence. So you were proudly walking down the halls with determination in your eyes as you went down the remembered route to Crewel’s class. You were on a mission and you weren’t gonna stop until you got the ingredients Vil needed for his homework.

You turned up hallway and up the stairs where Crewel’s classroom would be down the hall, when suddenly a group of students from mixed dorms came running, possibly chasing each other or for some sort of reason and didn’t seem to notice you, barreling past you. One bumped into you, causing you to stumble backwards. You stumbled over your own two feet, falling backwards down the short flight of stairs, slamming down hard on your knee when your body twisted to the side and your legs unfortunately meeting the steps before you tumbled down the short flight of stairs and onto the floor.

You didn’t register that your knee was completely fucked at all, just blinking in shock when you lifted your upper body up and looked around. A couple of concerned students, a few of them Pomfoire, came to your aid. One of them almost fainting when they saw that your knee was sorta out of place. When you looked down and saw the oddly looking kneecap, you blinked at it…

And then started screaming.

Rook has a second set of scenes when it comes to you ever since you joined their dorm. He watched over you when Vil wasn’t around or he just watched over you in general. So when he heard the scream, he immediately somehow tracked you down within seconds, running to your aid. There he saw you on the ground with students trying to help you. He ran to your side.

“Dear étoile!” He noticed your knee and cooed lightly, as if trying to comfort a small rabbit, and gently lifted you up to carry you to the quick as he could.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Vil burst through the nurses office and ran to your bed where you laid. “Potato! What on earth happened!?”

You were a little teary eyed but mostly worn out because the nurse gave you medicine to numb the pain. Rook sighed.

“A couple of first years were rough housing in the hall and bumped into the poor starling and fell down the stairs. Do not worry, I have tracked them down and gave them a… thorough lecture before handing them off to the headmaster.” Rook grinned and patted your head

Vil huffed. He would have to ask who the students were for… personal reasons that you didn’t need to worry about.

“Vil,” you sniffled at him and your tiny hand grabbed his finger, making him look at you. “It hurts. Can’t you use your power to make it go away?”

He couldn’t deny that he could heal you with a minor potion, but then again, he doesn’t know how this could affect your body. It’s new for your human body to sustain injuries and you were a child. He grasped your tiny hand gently and tried to smile at you comfortingly.

“I cannot do that, potato. I’m not sure how your body could possible handle not being able to heal itself if I didn’t allow it. I’ll find something to numb the pain for you, do not worry your little head about it.”

He would hater check you out from the nurse and bring you back to the nurse and put you to bed. When injured, you needed to rest. He’d have to check you in with the nurse again later down the line to regularly keep track of your healing progress. But that could wait. You just needed to sleep.

He laid you down on the plush of your bed, putting a pillow underneath your knee to keep it comfortable and upright so it doesn’t curl at an angle that would hurt you. He stood up, about to leave, when you grasped the arm of his robe.

“Vi-Vi?” You gently called. He looked to you and his heart ached. Sometimes he does forget you are a child given your personality and how much you try and annoy him. “Can you stay with me? Please?”

Now his heart was hurting and in agony at how quiet your voice sounded, so drowsy from the medicine kicking in. Normally, he would try and convince you to not cling onto him, but you needed him more than ever. After all, you were just a baby.

He sighs and nods. “Of course potato.”

He moved besides you and let you cling onto his arm while you remained on your back, unable to really move because of your casted leg. He never really thought he’d find himself in this situation but he gently pats your head to lull you to sleep faster, which worked surprisingly well.

It made his heart clench even harder when you nuzzled yourself into him, a comforted smile on your face.

Yeah, he’s made up his mind, he’s gonna curse those students. No one hurts you. Ever.

┌── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┐

Iida felt horrible. Really, he did, even though it wasn’t really his fault, he knows that too, but he can’t help but feel bad.

You were laying in bed, a bucket beside it, looking miserable as you sniffled and cried, trying to throw off your blanket, but Idia would gently pull it back up.

Just a day ago, you were fine, great in fact. You had scored a 89/100 in Mr. Trein’s class, one many thought you’d fail at since it was the same difficulty as the rest of the class and you were quite literally born maybe a few months ago, so you knew very little on the history of Twisted Wonderland, but you worked hard and scored a high eighty-nine and Idia and Ortho wanted to treat you to some good takeout. It was a new place to Idia so he’s never experienced the food before, but it was the most convenient and close to the school itself. When he picked it up and brought it over, the three of you spent the night in his room watching shows he was very interested in, which you enjoyed since Idia was excited about it the whole time and his excitement transferred to you. Plus you had yummy food with you!

But then during the night you felt horrible, like, really horrible. Your body was on fire, equivalent to how hot you felt while being a star, and sweating profusely, but you were shivering. It confused you to no end and overwhelmed you. You eventually had to throw up in the bathroom toilet, which you ran to, and then started crying because to you, you felt like your insides were trying to get outside! Which is something that they’re NOT suppose to do.

Idia found you in the bathroom on the floor crying because you were confused and hurting at the same time. Ortho had to help him because Idia was on the verge of crying himself because he was panicking!

Ortho, bless his heart, managed to calm both you and his brother down in the mists of your screaming with his intellect.

“Based on my scans, it appears that Y/N is suffering from a stomach bug!”

“THERES A BUG INSIDE ME!?”

“No, no! It’s just a virus!”

“AM I GONNA DIE!?”

“Based on your immune system, I’d say you have a 90% survival rate!”

“WAHHHH-“

“Ortho!”

Well… He helped a little! Idia had to bare with you clinging onto him as he tried to convince you that you weren’t dying. Now here you were, inside his room snuggled into his blankets because you refused to stay inside your room while like this. You stopped throwing up a while ago when Ortho gathered some basic stuff that your stomach could handle, plus medicine. Ortho was sat on the bed near you, Idia at his desk gaming on his computer. You started crying again because your head was hurting and your stomach ached. Ortho gently pat your head, brows furrowing in concern. Idia was already stressing and it could be seen in his gaming and how he was dying more than once in a row. His teammates were less than pleased, to say the least.

“Do not cry, Y/N! Big brother and I are here for you. Just keep drinking your water, you’ll get dehydrated if you continue crying!” Ortho attempted to comfort you but it was met with a scrunched up displeased look on your face.

Idia groaned and exited his game and decided to join you and Ortho. He wasn’t the best at comforting, but somehow you find comfort in having both him and Ortho around, plus it was the only way you’d get to sleep.

“Ortho is right, Y/N. You gotta sleep so you can get better.”

“But what if I die in my sleep? I won’t be able to see you or Orthie again!” Your frown was almost comical and Idia could laugh, but he sighed and sat on the bed, instantly you cling to him.

“You aren’t gonna die! You’re more dramatic than me and that’s saying something…” He knew he was gonna get sick because of you but he could worry about that later.

“Dida?”

“Still not my name but, yeah?”

“Can you stay with me until I fall asleep?”

“You’re in my room! Not many places a hermit like me can go!” He would stay with you either way, but that’s okay.

“I’ll stay with you as well, Y/N!”

You smiled for the first time in two days and managed to stop crying. Idia laid down beside you, albeit stiffly, and Ortho happily plopped down beside you as well. The metal of his body was able to provide heat and coolness to keep his systems running smoothly, which means his body was cooling you off when your body was as hot as the sun itself. Or it just felt that way. But inside you, the warmth wasn’t uncomfortable, you felt happy.

“Adidas?”

“Wh- Why? I-“ he sighs, honestly he knows you’re doing this on purpose but it still surprises him. “Yeah?”

“Are we a family?”

Ah shit. Idia was panicking internally. He knew he was going down the found family route, but he didn’t realize how much it would hurt when it was said out loud! Truth be told, he didn’t believe he could do anything for you, that he wasn’t ready for this. Constantly, whenever he looked at Ortho before his Overblot, all he felt was regret, guilt, self pity. He’s managed since then, especially since you helped him out, you gave him hope and a bit of confidence in himself. On top of that, seeing you with Ortho made him proud. Like he was a big brother of two little siblings.

Now he wants to scream into the pillow because of your question.

“I believe we are, Y/N!” Ortho piped up. “Big brother Idia always takes care of you like he does with me! And he’s very caring over you and likes to teach you things! That’s what family does, right big brother?”

Idia was currently trying to reboot.

“I- Uh…. Yeah? Um. Yeah. Yeah I guess we’re a family…”

“Yay! Y/N is my little sibling!”

“But I wanna be the big sibling.”

“You said that you were born only a few months ago when you arrived here at Night Raven! Therefore I am older than you!”

“Idia tell him that it’s my turn to be the big sibling!”

“Just go to sleep Y/N.”

“I will throw your figurines.”

Now he’s starting to regret considering talking to his family about adopting you! You’re a monster in disguise! (He’ll still talk his parents into considering.)

┌── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┐

Lilia can’t cook. This is a fact and he is actually banned from the kitchen. So when Silver saw Lilia in the kitchen, he knew the day was gonna be filled with bad luck. And he was right.

You were minding your own business watching the others practice on their brooms for the next game, especially with how Malleus balanced himself on the broomstick with ease and did seemingly easy tricks on it. And you wanted to do it yourself! So when the others weren’t looking you grabbed a spare broom and quickly levitated in the air with you attempting to balance yourself on it.

“Y/N, GET DOWN FROM THERE!” Sebek yelled from the ground after returning from his water break.

The sound of his voice startled you from your brief daydream while on the broom. You jumped and lost your balance on the broom, flipping onto one side and losing your grip, your crossed legs unraveling as you slid off, but the underside of your left leg caught the broom on your way down, which caused you to pull it painfully. As you tumbled you didn’t even scream while you internally panicked. Then, before you hit the ground, Malleus swooped in quickly on his broom, snatching you just before you hit the ground, losing his own balance on his broom and onto the ground. He wasn’t injured as bad as you would be since he was already riding low to catch you. His heart was hammering inside his chest as he held you tightly, shuttering quietly as he tried to calm himself.

“Y/N?” Malleus didn’t realize how shaky his voice was until he spoke. “Are you alright?”

You blinked at him and then looked down at your leg. It felt sore at the thigh and throbbed painfully. You didn’t understand what was wrong and decided to start crying. Malleus sat up with you in his lap and he was staring at you with a confused look on his face. Lilia, Sebek and Silver all came rushing over.

“WAKA-SAMA! ARE YOU ALRIGHT!?”

“I think you should be more concerned at the screaming child, Sebek.”

Lilia, who said nothing, came to your aid immediately with his fatherly instinct kicking into overdrive.

“Y/N, starlight, where does it hurt?” He asked, grabbing you from Malleus and lifting you up.

You could only sniffle and point to your thigh. He understood and cooed lightly at you. Malleus stood up and stepped forward to try and bring you back in his arms.

“Malleus?”

“I want to bring Y/N to bed. I can watch over them.” Malleus spoke, his arms out to grab you, which you looked ready to jump out of Lilia’s arms and into the arms of the dragon fae. Lilia was a bit worried about you, but figured you’d want to be with Malleus more than anything after what happened. He smiled gently and handed you off to Malleus, which you climbed to him sniffling and whimper as your leg throbbed. It wasn’t too bad as it would’ve been, but you definitely pulled something. Badly.

“YOURE SO GENEROUS WAKA-SAMA! ALL SHOULD TAKE INSPIRATION!”

“That’s all you’re seriously focused on Sebek?”

“…That’s not true, you know I am worried as well…”

Malleus, in a blink, brought you to your room and laid you in the bed, which was soft and top quality, only the best for you.

You sniffled again when you were set down in the bed by Malleus, the blankets pulled over your body. He didn’t mind that you were dirty, he just wanted to get you to bed immediately to rest.

“Mal-Mal…” You sniffled a little. “It hurts.”

“I understand, beastie.” Malleus sat down beside you and ran his fingers through your hair. “Hopefully it will be better in the morning. If not, I shall carry you.”

“Beckie won’t like that.”

“Beckie will have to understand.”

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

True to his word, he carried you after you said it hurt even more today than it did yesterday. Lilia I as most please seeing Malleus carry you. It was amusing to see him carry you around since you were just a little baby (or at least he liked to believe you are.)

“Waka-sama, I don’t mean to question you, but do you believe it’s a good idea to carry Y/N around NCR?” Sebek had asked the morning before going to classes. “We can’t have you ruining your reputation!”

“Y/N will not ruin my reputation, Y/N is injured, so I shall carry them all throughout classes.”

“Be careful, Malleus, some might see you as soft.” Lilia grinned a little while fixing your uniform collar and tie.

“I do not care nor mind, Y/N matters more.” Ah, the priorities of a dragon at its finest.

“Whatever you say, lord Malleus.” Silver yawns as he straightened his tie.

Malleus looked down at you. You hadn’t even woken up after he picked you up once you finished dressing yourself, albeit messily. He’d wake you up, later of course, but it was nice seeing you rest and not in pain and talking about your hurting leg.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

“…”

“Have something to say, Kingscholar?”

“I dunno, I’m still thinking this is a dream. A really weird one.”

Leona was currently watching you sit on the future fae kings lap eating mango slices from a bowl… it had to be a fever dream…

[asharkapologist]

mini rant about Julia Brine's wasted potential

hi. I am back with even more Ad Astra stuff, this time with something to complain about. I'm hardly the first person to talk about this, but it's something that's bothered me ever since I played The Conspiracy. Spoilers under the cut.

Julia Brine is so underdeveloped and underused compared to her fellow Ad Astrans -- she's literally the only one of them who doesn't get a quote on the wiki page -- and Pretty Simple did not always use her screen time well. I don't hate Julia or anything, but she ranks as my second least favorite of the main five Ad Astrans (we don't talk about the junior Ad Astrans), not because I don't like her but because there's so little to work with. Note that this isn't a character analysis of her or anything, just complaining about how she was written.

She is introduced SO late in the game, for one. We literally see Louis in the first case in the entire game on video, are properly introduced to him in the second district and he pops in and out a few times throughout the districts, are introduced to Bateman in the second district even if he goes away for a while, are introduced to Rozetta in the first case of the third district and she is extremely important to the rest of the game, and are introduced to Warren halfway through the game, and although Warren doesn't have as much of a presence as the other three initially, he does a lot in Newmark. But Julia isn't introduced until the 8th district, and she barely does anything in Newmark compared to the other three. I feel like they definitely could have woven her into the game earlier somehow. Maybe her company has some shareholders in the Financial Center, or she's invited to some events in Maple Heights or something. I don't know, they surely could have done something to make her relevant before the third to last district!

Speaking of which, her story is so rushed in Spring Fields. That district was juggling Mia's story, the Fornax plot, and Bateman's reintroduction. I think that Mia's story was handled pretty well, but the same cannot be said for Julia. Her plot was chilling-- burn the fields, then distribute corn she'd been growing laced with drugs to brainwash and mind control the population through their food. But it's also over by the halfway point of the district and she's unceremoniously dumped in prison and swapped for Bateman, who the team focused on. I feel like the Fornax plot should have been the entire district, with Mia's story being in some other district or somehow tied to Julia's. You can release Bateman from prison, sure, but have him and Julia's stories combine somehow, so it doesn't seem like you're just abruptly ending one Ad Astra story thread and swapping it for another.

And finally, Newmark, the biggest bit of wasted potential. I've heard people say that Julia should have survived the blast and been a suspect in Blaze of Glory instead of Joe, but I think if they did that, then Joe would be pretty underdeveloped, since he also appeared sparingly up until that point, plus they were kinda setting up something with him starting in Reap What You Sow, and I feel like him surviving the neohumans initially and being in Blaze of Glory makes sense logically with the way his character arc was going in Newmark and wouldn't have made sense if Julia was there instead. Either way, lose-lose situation, I guess. She kidnapped Jake and Carter, yes, but Ad Astra is more of a felt, not seen, presence at the start of Newmark. They're mostly running and hiding then (while still managing to hurt and traumatize people in the process because that's what they do best sorrynotsorry). But the fact that. The ONLY thing that Pretty Simple could figure out to write for Julia in Reap What You Sow. Is having her be in love with Christian "I fantasize about torturing women and brutally murdered a woman for rejecting me and enjoyed it" Bateman is WILD. WHAT?! Joe and Rozetta both were vital to the plot of that case, but Julia? She did nothing! The only thing she did was talk about how she was in love with Bateman but he insulted her! How on EARTH is that a good use of her limited (because you don't talk to her in the AI) screen time?! Yes, I know that unfortunately, some women do fall in love with murderers. But like.... seriously??? Pretty Simple couldn't think of another way she could have had strife with Bateman?? That's it??? Of all the characters she could be in love with.... him?? Meera is cursing her out somewhere.

And then of course, she agrees to fight with Joe and then later with Rozetta against the neohumans. Joe initially proposes the idea, saying Julia was already on his side regarding the idea, and you have to work to find and convince Rozetta to do so, once again pushing Julia aside in favor of Warren and Rozetta being developed. It's nice that she agreed with Warren to fight against the neohumans, but that agreement happened completely off-screen, with no conversation with her one-on-one. And then she dies in an explosion unceremoniously. The end.

It's unfortunate. They really could have done a lot with her, but just....they kept pushing her aside in favor of other members of Ad Astra throughout the game and did not always use her screen time wisely. She could have done a lot more and been a lot better.

Thanks for reading!

[deathsbestgirl]

txf twitter threads

diana fowley is the worst and you should hate her <3

gillian anderson + chris carter

david duchovny + chris carter

ddgacc

m+s/relief

pusher

firewalker

millennium kiss

conduit/paper hearts

wotc

wotc2

pilot

tunguska/terma

struggle + skeptic/believer

apollo keychain/thread in a thread (quoted a thread)

fire (mini)

two fathers/one son

names

el mundo gira/never again

cancer arc

they're insane

memento mori (ddga kiss)

jersey devil/all things

til forever falls apart

dance of instead

unruhe (irresistible)

scully hates men

when scully's mad at mulder

x files/fringe crossover

patient x/the red and the black

scully is not normal

what 3 is really about

tiny she's a rebel

field trip

ddga nycc

txf killers

pendrell

mini twitter post (threads, screenshots, mytharc)

hollywood a.d. (having a Great Time)

firewalker/irresistible

m+s/revival

[kalitera-stin-erimia]

Lovecraft and Cosmic Wonder

"But the thing is, for Lovecraft, cosmic-existential horror wasn’t the whole story. Not by a cyclopean margin. In fact, a look at his overall body of fiction, and also his personal development as an author, and his various essays about life and writing, and the teeming ocean of thousands of letters that he wrote to a vast network of correspondents, shows that his focus on the cosmic horrific theme of existence-as-nightmare was balanced and complemented by a deep craving for liberation into transcendent realms of beauty and bliss. As I observed just a few days ago in my latest column for SF Signal, “Fantasy, Horror, and Infinite Longing,” this pairing of horror or terror with sehnsucht, the emotion C.S. Lewis identified as the “inconsolable longing” for “that unnamable something, desire for which pierces us like a rapier at the smell of a bonfire, the sound of wild ducks flying overhead, the title of The Well at the World’s End, the opening lines of Kubla Khan, the morning cobwebs in late summer, or the noise of falling waves,” is quite common among authors and artists, especially those working in the field of the fantastic. <...>

So Dream-Quest is fully as much about an exquisite experience of cosmic longing as it is about a wrenching experience of cosmic horror. The novel shows Carter yearning for an escape into a dreamworld and to a dream city of eternal solace and beauty, and being opposed by all of those nightmarish figures Tyson mentions. And it’s the recognition of this fact, not just in this particular novel but as it’s threaded throughout the rest of Lovecraft’s life and work, that’s missing from so much contemporary scholarship. It’s not that Lovecraft wasn’t about cosmic horror, but that he wasn’t all about it. Cosmic horror was wedded to cosmic wonder in his psyche. The one bled into the other. They were inextricably united as flipsides or complements in his affective makeup. Their paradoxical pairing was in fact the engine that drove him, since he was perpetually poised on the razor’s edge between perceiving the cosmic perspective as nightmarish and perceiving it as beautiful and liberating. This tension channeled itself into a burning desire to capture and convey both intimations in imaginative form, and the fact that the darker aspect has gotten more press than the lighter one in the popular and even the critical imagination, and has in fact become rote, is vaguely reminiscent of the smear-job perpetrated by Rufus Griswold on the memory of Edgar Allan Poe.  But in Lovecraft’s case it appears to have happened by accident, with, perhaps, some help from unsympathetic critics such as Edmund Wilson."

From Cosmic Horror and Cosmic Wonder: Revisioning Our Vision of H.P. Lovecraft by Matt Cardin.

[sadtonight]

"Why yes, necromancy is an occupation of mine"

Summary: one day amidst one of your usual rituals involving trapping yourself in the coffin, you opened the lid to see children in dark robes gather in a weird dark hall around the mirror. Did you die again or did you traverse through another realm? Might as well find something interesting or useful to occupy yourself with;

Characters: vice dorm leaders (including Ruggie and Ortho);

Warnings: non explicit description of gore, reader is gender neutral, reader has done/does morally and legally ambiguous thing, reader is weird and ominous interpret it however you will, platonic relationships;

Side notes: I've been a little obsessed with a certain game (not telling which though it's for your own good) and it had a hot (in an old-wash-cloth way) dark priest/necromancer and I got really hyped with the whole thing and wrote this. Enjoy.

Trey

— so the first few times where Trey spotted you were somewhere is out in the wild: in botanical garden, on sports field, near the woods behind and in the inner yard, making him naively believe that you just liked to be surrounded by nature. Something in sorts of like Rook right?

— wrong, absolutely wrong, and the Heartslabyul vice dorm leader understood that after your sudden visit to the said dormitory. You were rather well disposed, despite appearing a little off...creepy if he's to be frank: shovel and a simple thread bag in hands, wearing seemingly adventurous or morbid smirk, it was hard to say for certain;

— first you started joking around by throwing questions like if anyone died and got buried on Heartslabyul grounds recently, and Trey decided to play along and gave you ambiguous answers which only gave you false hope. However, later upon not finding a single trace of the dead you understandably got upset and annoyed with third year and he it finally clicked that you were.... not in fact joking??

— he tried to avoid you afterwards, but with time though, you both found a way to befriend and you scared him much less than before. Trey was just an ordinary normal person, of course he wasn't and isn't interested in *that* field of magic. Much to your dismay, Trey didn't let you perform anything or spook anyone while you were in his dorm, particularly because of the dorm leader who could find your tricks tasteless and threatening to existing order;

— strictly forbid you to hex or curse anything in the kitchen especially the cooking. A huge let down, Trey can somehow understand, but he doesn't want his cooking and baking to be associated with bad luck or excruciating pains in stomach areas. He can buy something for you to practice dark spells on. Also, last rule: do not teach anyone those spells especially Ace, Deuce and Carter.

Ruggie

— when you are dealing with something as delicate as revival of the deceased, it doesn't take much to completely ruin the ritual or for it to simply not work as intended. You are unfortunately used to failure, and the last thing you can do is return the test subject back to where it started it's life;

— you would do so provided some mix of hyena and human didn't try to steal the dead chicken on stone table you were working with. You finally caught the creature red handed and summoned ghost hands to keep it lying on the ground, it then begging you to not kill it while you contemplated what to do next;

— Ruggie was absolutely sure you would off him right there and then, but eventually you let him go. Man, that chicken sure didn't worth his hide despite it enabling him to be fed for days. What was your deal anyways?

— well, at least he got to swipe shiny blue cristal of the table: it must cost enough for him to skip working some odd jobs! Or so Ruggie thought, not noticing you stepping out of a dark thick cloud of smoke, visibly pissed off;

— the cristal in question was safely returned to its rightful owner, granted now not to get severely cursed beastman had to do those same odd-jobs he tried to evade. Sometimes while chasing easy money you end up working more than you thought you would huh?

— you were really clueless on how things were in Twisted Wonderful, just like a newly born kitten. Naturally, he could have taken advantage of your lack of common knowledge but taking more risks wasn't the right course of action. So Ruggie gave you the basics, like explaining to you what he "was" and some other students "were" and what is allowed and prohibited in NRC;

— one day, while hanging out with you Ruggie realised something: that by now, he could've ditched you as he had made up to you, but instead beastman occasionally follows after your nonexistent tail. Now that he thinks about it, hanging out with you is kinda fun — doing all sorts of pranks and shenanigans, half of which rewarded him with stuff. Yeah, you were scary sometimes, but you know who can also be scary? Leona, and Ruggie gets along with him just fine;

Jade

— history, history, animal languages. Four long shelves solely dedicated to astrology, and countless "Basic and advanced potion making" books stuffed into wooden bookcases, spreading deeper into the room without any hint at ending. And yet, anything related to dark magic could not be found. This college reeked of something dark brewing inside it's walls, and yet it appears it's purely aesthetical with no substantial meaning behind;

— until you saw a figure in the corner of your eye: tall male figure with one hand on the chin and other supporting it, mismatched eyes and calm, knowledgeable expression. A prim and proper student who would probably help you, you guessed, so you shortened the distance and directly inquired the man;

— the student's eyes only enlarged and you noticed that he was wearing familiar fish earring that made a dangling sound. Truly, Jade wasn't expecting a stranger asking him where to find occult literature, for a second he felt guilty for not believing Azul that the clients would naturally flock over to such items;

— luckily for you, his generous dorm leader recently has acquired such papers that you could find interesting. Thus both of you set out to Octavinelle dorm. Oh but eelmer naturally wanted to know the reason for your interest in dark magic, and you told him even more than he had originally anticipated;

— the spells and curses available in the Twisted Wonderful could not be on par with what you told him you partook in your world. Jade listened very carefully to what you were saying, worrying smirk stretching on his cheeks as you told him how you fooled around and played with oblivious humans, summoning creatures from other worlds to scare farmers and aristocracy alike and in-between;

— your mutual playfulness played a big role in your friendship, as you and Jade hit it off after first encounter pretty quickly. Those unfamiliar with Jade more closely, pitied him while seeing a creep like you sticking to his side, when those who knew the vice dorm leader regarded both of you as the natural disaster personified!

Jamil

—much thanks to his position, Jamil was especially wary of a new student, rumoured to be creepy and dangerous, wandering the college premise. That's why, Jamil strictly forbidden Kalim to ever set foot into Ramshackle dorm where you currently resided;

— but the Scarabia dorm leader wanted to befriend this unique mysterious person! They surely must be lonely, being ostracized by students. One little tour around the sunny, sandy dorm wouldn't be an issue right? Maybe you are not that bad, unlike other people like to paint you as;

— Jamil was getting more anxious by the minute: Kalim didn't respond to his messages and calles for two and a half hours. Vice dorm leader just hoped that Kalim has forgot the phone somewhere in the dorm. Until he heard an unfamiliar voice ask if the treasures were cursed and other, annoying one, replying: "Ha ha, of course not! Why would they be? You are so weird, but in a good way!". Following that, it wasn't difficult to guess whose first voice belonged to;

— after screams and tears (both Kalim's), Jamil has unwilling became your friend. Sigh, at least you do not impose any threat to this moron, for now at least. He tried to interact with you as little as possible, however during the times he did interact with you Jamil has noted that your knowledge might come in handy to him, so he seemingly politely but nonetheless cautiously approached you more;

— not that everything you told him turned out to be useful for his job like he expected to. Interesting yes, often disturbing though... offering insane "aid", which usually sounded like: "I can put an instant death spell that turns anyone who dares to touch Kalim into a red puddle, if you wish!" to which Jamil has to hastily reply "Please no, thank you very much for the offer!"

Rook

— on one hand, seven diverse dorms with different climates made your ingredient and sight gathering trips easier, but on the other hand — more tedious. Where can you find flat stone surfaces? Are ghosts, phantoms and spectors also present at other college premises? Where could the most venomous snakes live? No amount of notes could keep up with things you needed for your dark rituals, and getting a helper sounded to good to be true....

— except for when such person did appear, as if reading your mind,— descending behind you from the tree you were investigating for some moss. You were a single fireball away from incinerating the intruder until his sonorous words hit your ears: "Bonjour! The kind of moss you are meticulously searching for at the moment is widely spread in the northwestern side of the Pomefiore forest. I recommend us to head that way until the sun is still high";

— and with that you unwillingly trailed through the forest with Rook Hunt, whose name you initially believed to be merely an ostentatious nickname. His intentions were unclear, so you couldn't truly appreciate his "skills" and abilities, but it barely seemed to faze the man in question who was both simultaneously praising and criticizing the proficiency of your ingredient gathering and navigation;

— somehow, the Pomefiore vice dorm leader wormed himself into your day to day life: if Rook was free from any duties, he was attached to your hip for as long as time could grant him. Your dark, petrified aura enchanted his heart; chilling, ink black morbid curiosity that Rook willingly got himself drunk with each time he got to see you in action;

— despite how many times the man repeated the same verses over and over when confronted, you felt like Rook was still hiding the reason for his close presence: you were not foolish enough not to feel his gaze from somewhere afar. Nonetheless, you acted with amicability which was met with same gestures. As long as you do not impose any dangers, why shouldn't Rook befriend someone as intriguing as yours persona?

Ortho

— you were minding your business, finally reaching NCR main gates, beyond tired and irritated, swearing under your breath: the bus drivers in this world were utterly incompetent and unprofessional! No man let you load your little thread bag into the bus, accusing it of reeking like rot and dirt. They themselves arguably smelled worse if someone were to ask you. Admist your recollection of today's events, you failed to notice something approaching your side;

— Ortho was just flying around the college premise, since Idia chose to remain in his room yet again, when he spotted a suspicious figure that turned out to be none other than new student. Curious as to what you were up to, he softly flew up and scanned the bag.... finding severely decomposed human tissue and bones...?

— you finally decided to pay attention to this strange looking ghost child, you assumed, and explained that you were just making a friend for yourself. Those words intrigued Ortho and he showed great interest in the ritual — you didn't mind per say, so long as he helps you to carry the heavy bag to the Ramshackle that is;

— needless to say, you proudly puffed your chest when bones and flesh sticked back into a 'human', the creature making a hoarse, indistinguishable sounds as it was limping behind your every step. The boy on the other hand had been typing something on a translucent keyboard. The robot himself replied that he was just trying to see if he could find the spells and sigils you used, finding very little information in the databases;

— you didn't understand what he meant, as all the knowledge was stored in writings and books, but decided to leave the ghost be. Said ghost by the end of his research pleaded you to allow him to record your field of magic. Although, Ortho could calculate the risks which were involved, some irrational part in his program nudged him to learn more! You found it amusing that this odd blue flamy ghost was so enthusiastic about necromancy, after all, irony was deeply intervened with dark forbidden magic;

Lilia

— first impressions are important. Not to you though, you could care less of how other's perceive you, as you carried your occupation like a trophy on a hip. Those who were not foolish enough to disturb you were left unscratched, as opposed to those who could not give you peace;

— and yet you just couldn't catch this one elusive magenta vampire boy, whose wide round eyes were following your every move. You tried to repel the creature with all means that are known to repel vampires, but it produced zero results with sharp teethed beast drawing closer and closer from the shadows;

— Lilia's infatuation with you was not related to the blood you carried, but to the figurative blood that was smeared on your hands. The fae could see right through you like through the clear waters of the spring: Lilia encountered the likes of you in the past a lot. Since then, centuries have passed yet the sticky deadly stench could never be mistaken nor forgotten: who knows what kind of miseries could befall on the college with your foul presence around here?

—Silver could see his father carefree smile was lower than usual, which could mean that something serious was up. Or how the fae would randomly stare at something in the crowd with eyes wide and full of something animalisticly horrifying. It appeared he was watching you, the new student...?

— it's true though: you exchanged both intangible and tangible daggers between yourselves. Yours were covered with poison, that could make this relentless fool tremble pathetically like a worm on the ground, and his...well, you are not keen on finding out;

— this would continue for who knows how long if it wasn't for Silver who stepped up and confronted you directly. The scene only added fuel to the fire when Lilia saw his son talking to you, parental instinct that he felt, not as often as it should've been, rushing in his veins prompting him to instantly materialize behind you with the tips of his sharp nails aimed at your warm neck;

— in those unpleasant conditions you had to explain to the Diasomnia duo that you, in fact, came with relative peace and most importantly — involuntary. After a long interrogation that made your poor feet hurt, Lilia relented at last and Silver profusely apologized for his... mentor's behaviour. Just when you finally thought you got rid of that pesky little vampire, the next day he sat right beside you in the canteen, teasing you for picking up the cheapest food available. Oh lords of darkness.....

[bookgeekgrrl]

My media this week (24-30 Mar 2024)

📚 STUFF I READ 📚

😊 Murder at the Island Hotel (Miss Underhay Mystery #15) (Helena Dixon, author; Karen Cass, narrator) - Kitty & Alice go to an island hotel to certify it for the local hotel owners assn & of course murder happens.

😍 Operation: Gros Michel (SquadOfCats) - 358K, stucky recovery fic - incredible, phenomenal fic - really digging in to trauma & recovery but in a way that doesn't feel too heavy/dark for very long - Steve's POV so we see his healing & recovery, and his finding purpose again. Amazing OCs. Plus a lot of really, really yummy sexy times. Reminds you that hope is an action, hope is hard, and hope has many manifestations of being. also makes you love Florida at least a little bit.

😊 Where The Inevitable Isn't (Survivah) - 41K, sterek, alternate dimension AU - enjoyable dimension hopping fic with Stiles Prime portaling to a more dystopic/gritty dimension where he & D are super together. I really liked the aspect that they could ping pong back & forth between dimensions, it wasn't just a one-time thing

💖💖 +121K of shorter fic so shout out to these I really loved 💖💖

Deep Sea Diving (AidaRonan) - MCU: shrunkyclunks, 5K - forever fave, comfort read

The Salt is All the Same (the_deep_magic) - The Eagle of the Ninth: Marcus/Esca, 23K - a really good omegaverse AU

📺 STUFF I WATCHED 📺

D20: Adventuring Party - s2, e1-2 [Pirates of Leviathan]

Game Changer - s6, e4

Um, Actually - s9, e3

D20: Fantasy High: Junior Year - "Baron's Game" (s21, e12)

D20: Adventuring Party - "Big Clue Energy" (s16, e12)

D20: Mice & Murder - "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" (s9, e1)

D20: Mice & Murder - "A Scandal in Britannia" (s9, e2)

D20: Mice & Murder - "A Time For Clues" (s9, e3)

D20: Adventuring Party - s4, e1-3 [Mice & Murder]

🎧 PODCASTS 🎧

The Allusionist - 191. Hypochondria

Worlds Beyond Number - WWW #3: The Charter

Worlds Beyond Number - WWW #4: In the Drink

Worlds Beyond Number: Fireside - Fireside Chat for WWW ep3 "The Charter" and ep4 "In the Drink"

Imaginary Worlds - Doctor Who's Power of Regeneration

The Atlas Obscura Podcast - Vent Haven Museum

Pop Culture Happy Hour - Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire

Short Wave - What's It Like To Live In Space? One Astronaut Says It Changes Her Dreams

WikiHole - Battle of the Bay (with Moshe Kasher, Guy Branum and Grace Kuhlenschmidt)

Worlds Beyond Number - WWW #5: Water, Water Everywhere

Worlds Beyond Number: Fireside - Fireside Chat for WWW ep5 "Water, Water Everywhere"

Pop Culture Happy Hour - Quiet On Set: The Dark Side Of Kids TV

The Atlas Obscura Podcast - Ganvie Lake Village

⭐ Death, Sex & Money - The Very Hot Marriage of Niecy Nash and Jessica Betts

Vibe Check - Welcome to the Chaos

Ologies with Alie Ward - Disgustology (REPULSION TO GROSS STUFF) with Paul Rozin

Code Switch - Who does language belong to? A fight over the Lakota Language

99% Invisible #575 - Autism Pleasantville

Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis-Dreyfus - Julia Gets Wise with Sally Field

Fansplaining - Episode 219: Tropefest Speedrun

The Atlas Obscura Podcast - A Journey Around the World with Sebastian Modak

Shedunnit - Bonus: Thoughts on Spoilers

I Said No Gifts! - Harvey Guillén Disobeys Bridger

Imaginary Worlds- Class of '84: Rise of The Villains

Worlds Beyond Number - WWW #6: Fresh Fish

Pop Culture Happy Hour - Godzilla x Kong, Godzilla Minus One And What's Making Us Happy

Dear Prudence - My Partner Sticks Her Finger in Food to Taste Test It. Help!

Endless Thread - Shaq Time: Is Shaq OK?

Smart Podcast, Trashy Books - 608. Women as Shields and Scapegoats: Talking Kate Middleton with Melissa Blue

Consider This from NPR - A new biopic on Shirley Chisolm fills in the picture on a woman who broke barriers

Worlds Beyond Number: Fireside - Fireside Chat for WWW ep6 "Fresh Fish"

You're Dead to Me - Mozart

I Said No Gifts! - "Weird Al" Yankovic Disobeys Bridger

🎶 MUSIC 🎶

Chappell Roan

Disco 2024

Presenting Rob Zombie

Metal Radio • Pump-up

COWBOY CARTER [Beyoncé] {2024}

[rockislandadultreads]

In Memoriam: Rosalynn Carter (1927-2023)

First Lady From Plains by Rosalynn Carter

The former first lady's memoir covers her small-town childhood, her life as a wife and mother, her role in the family business, her public and political efforts, and her years near the center of power.

First Women by Kate Andersen Brower

One of the most underestimated—and challenging—positions in the world, the First Lady of the United States must be many things: an inspiring leader with a forward-thinking agenda of her own; a savvy politician, skilled at navigating the treacherous rapids of Washington; a wife and mother operating under constant scrutiny; and an able CEO responsible for the smooth operation of countless services and special events at the White House. Now, as she did in her smash #1 bestseller The Residence, former White House correspondent Kate Andersen Brower draws on a wide array of untapped, candid sources—from residence staff and social secretaries to friends and political advisers—to tell the stories of the ten remarkable women who have defined that role since 1960.

Brower offers new insights into this privileged group of remarkable women, including Jacqueline Kennedy, Lady Bird Johnson, Patricia Nixon, Betty Ford, Rosalynn Carter, Nancy Reagan, Barbara Bush, Hillary Clinton, Laura Bush, and Michelle Obama. The stories she shares range from the heartwarming to the shocking and tragic, exploring everything from the first ladies’ political crusades to their rivalries with Washington figures; from their friendships with other first ladies to their public and private relationships with their husbands. She also offers a detailed and insightful new portrait of one of the most-watched first ladies of all time, Hillary Clinton, asking what her tumultuous years in the White House may tell us about her own historic presidential run.

Leading Ladies by Kay Bailey Hutchison

In a series of skillfully drawn biographical portraits, United States senator and bestselling author Kay Bailey Hutchison examines the lives of sixty-three pioneers in military service, journalism, public health, social reform, science, and politics—all American women.

From the courtroom to the halls of Congress, these female trailblazers have battled tremendous odds to achieve success—if not always recognition—in their respective fields. Senator Hutchison, a trailblazer herself, became the first woman from the state of Texas elected to the United States Senate. Following in the footsteps of her bestselling book American Heroines, Senator Hutchison continues to celebrate female accomplishment in all walks of life. Whether committed to a chosen cause or thrust into a public role by personal circumstance, the women profiled in Leading Ladies have all woven thin threads of opportunity into sweeping tapestries of achievement.

Mixing historical portraits with modern success stories, Senator Hutchison shows how American women from all periods of history have contributed to the strength and progress of our nation. With courage, purpose, and compassion, the women of Leading Ladies continue to blaze trails for thousands of American women to follow—and no history of the nation can be written without them.

Within Our Reach by Rosalynn Carter

In Within Our Reach: Ending the Mental Health Crisis, Rosalynn Carter and coauthors Susan K. Golant and Kathryn E. Cade render an insightful, unsparing assessment of the state of mental health. Mrs. Carter has been deeply invested in this issue since her husband’s gubernatorial campaign when she saw firsthand the horrific, dehumanizing treatment of people with mental illnesses.

Using stories from her 35 years of advocacy to springboard into a discussion of the larger issues at hand, Carter crafts an intimate and powerful account of a subject previously shrouded in stigma and shadow, surveying the dimensions of an issue that has affected us all. She describes a system that continues to fail those in need, even though recent scientific breakthroughs with mental illness have potential to help most people lead more normal lives.

[teine-mallaichte]

Day 22 @ailesswhumptober - prompt: Forced to hurt somebody else

On some days Charlie hates her role

CW: non-con drugging, inuury, reluctant whumper, dehumanisation, toxic environment, moral conflict, medical setting.

AiLessWhumptober List Complex 27

Charlie’s hands trembled as she examined the wounds scattered across Asset 84’s battered body. Under the unforgiving glare of the med wing's fluorescent lights, his pale, sweat-slicked skin took on an eerie sheen. His grey eyes—normally stoic, unreadable—now flickered with pain and something else, something buried beneath the surface, just out of reach.

“Hold still,” she ordered, her voice cold, brittle, clinging to the authority she had to maintain.

84 didn’t move. He never did. Even now, after his body had been torn apart by jagged metal, he refused to flinch. Refused to show weakness. But Charlie saw the tightness in his jaw, the subtle way his muscles spasmed under her hands. He was hurting—more than he would ever admit. And yet, she couldn’t acknowledge it. Not here. Not in Complex 27, where vulnerability was a death sentence.

Sometimes, in fleeting moments, she wondered what it would be like to know the assets’ names. To call them by something other than numbers. To see them as more than disposable tools. But what good would that do? There was no place for connection in this place. No room for compassion when every decision was calculated, every action rooted in survival.

“84 needs to be operational by morning.”

Colonel Carter’s voice echoed in her mind, her order cutting through the haze of doubt. They didn’t care that it had been less than a week since 84 was dragged into the med wing, barely clinging to life. They didn't care that the wounds were only just starting to heal, that he was still heald together by thread. They didn’t care that the rumors whispered he’d thrown himself over another asset, shielding them with his own body. All that mattered was the fact that he was still breathing. And if he was breathing, he had to be useful.

She dragged her eyes away from the fresh sutures lining 84’s torso, the patches of bruised flesh that hadn’t even begun to fade. Instead focing on the tray besiders her, laid out with the instruments of her trade: scalpels, sutures, bandages, and vials of drugs designed to force bodies back into action regardless of their condition. Each tool was a reminder of her role, of the cold efficiency she was expected to maintain.

“Sorry,” she muttered under her breath, a word she hoped 84 wouldn’t catch. Apologies were a luxury they couldn’t afford, a crack in the armor she had built to survive in this place. She drew up a dose of stimulant, the clear liquid glinting under the harsh light.

One sharp jab, and 84 would be functional. Not healed—never healed, not really—but functional enough to follow orders. To stand, to fight, to kill. That was all they needed from him. It’s what the Facility always needed.

It didn't matter that the drugs would rip through his system, pushing his body far past its limits. That the pain would be unbearable—worse than the physical trauma, worse than the jagged metal that had torn him apart. And when it wore off, he’d be even more broken. Likely to fall apart in the field.

That he would potentially even die.

84’s eyes followed her movements, their grey depths reflecting a weary resignation. He knew what was coming.

She swabbed a spot on his arm, the skin there already marred by countless injections. Her hand hovered for a moment, wavering, wishing for an alternative. The silence stretched too long, her hesitation too obvious. And in that moment, Charlie felt his eyes on her—not just passive, like usual, but watching, really watching. Maybe he saw the hesitation. Maybe he saw the conflict that she worked so hard to bury.

“Just do it.” His voice was hoarse, but steady.

Charlie took a deep breath, her fingers tightening around the syringe. 84’s steady gaze unnerved her, it was intense, probing. As if he could somehow see into her soul. She looked away, staring at the trey.

There was no escape from this reality—no choice but to follow the orders that kept her alive.

She knew it.

He knew it.

With a shaky hand, Charlie pressed the needle against 84’s skin, the sharp tip piercing through the fragile barrier of flesh. She fought the urge to pull back, to stop, to find some other way to heal him that wouldn’t feel like a betrayal. But the Facility didn’t allow for such luxuries. In this world, compassion was a weakness, and weakness had no place in Complex 27.

As the stimulant surged into his bloodstream, Charlie felt a pang of guilt rip through her. She watched as 84’s body reacted—a fleeting moment of tension as the drug coursed through him. His muscles twitched, then relaxed, and for a brief second, she thought he might grimace. But he remained stoic, the embodiment of the soldier he had been trained to be.

“Functional,” she whispered, almost to herself. “Just functional.”

The words hung heavy in the air, a bitter reminder of what they were all reduced to: tools to be used, mended, and discarded. No names, no identities—only numbers and ranks, each asset stripped of their humanity to serve the whims of the Facility.

This was their lives: a cycle of compliance, pain, and forced efficiency. She had a job to do, a role to fulfill, it didn't matter that she hated it.

[moonward-bound]

You’re an enabler.

I’m just so fascinated by how linked everyone is, from the tangential meetings to the character defining events. Jared Hopworth picked up the Boneturner’s Tale where Mike Crew left it, and Mike somehow knew Jude Perry, Jude hung out with Nikola Orsinov whose friend the Not-Them ate Graham Folger who was probably Oliver Bank’s ex, and Oliver was Jane Prentiss’ coworker and Jane infected Harriet Lee who infected Timothy Hodge, who the Distortion talked Sasha James into killing. Do you see what I mean. Speaking of the Distortion, it used to be Michael Shelley who worked for Jonah Magnus and he is the gateway to a whole other web of Victorian supernatural drama and knew the Lukas family and Maxwell Rayner all the way back in the days; Maxwell Rayner had beef with Robert Montauk, whose daughter Julia Montauk Hunted with Trevor Herbert, and they used the ghost of Gerry Keay as intel; Gerry who burned Ex-Altiora in front of Dominic Swain, who had no way of knowing that very book was the Ascension of his childhood friend; and now we’re all the way back to Mike. And there’s more! The Lukases, the Fairchilds and Maxwell Rayner had a space program together, leading us to Manuela Dominguez and Carter Chilcott and Jan Kilbride, the latter of which was sacrificed by Gertrude Robinson to stop a Buried ritual, and she was Bound to Agnes Montague, who was raised by Raymond Fielding and belonged to the Cult of the Lightless Flame of which Arthur Nolan was the leader until he later became Jane’s landlord and immolated himself in front of Jordan Kennedy, the exterminator that came to cleanse her nest; who had previously encountered and fought John Amherst, who was eventually killed by Adelard Dekker, the man who trapped the Not-Them in the table which was then lugged around by Breekon and Hope, who helped the Circus of the Other of which the Anglerfish was a part of, which stole the skin of Sarah Baldwin who Melanie King later filmed with, and Melanie was friends with Georgie Barker who was Jonathan Sims’ ex.

Even when removing the main characters from this chain, there’s so much connection between every moving piece of the story. Peter Lukas placed bets with Mikaele Salesa who roomed with Annabelle Cane during the apocalypse. Neil Lagorio used to work with Gabriel the worker of clay who died when the Spiral ritual to which Gertrude sacrificed Michael failed. All these connections are fed to us piecemeal, a glimpse of Oliver from Jennifer Ling just before Grifter’s Bone’s concert, a common point in the lives of Gerry and Basira Hussain in form of a different hostile encounter with Diego Molina. They may not know, but we do - we can, if we pay attention. We’re put in front of this immense puzzle with so much to keep track of, so much to figure out. And this is exactly what our protagonist is doing too! It’s the line he follows, the thread he pulls on - or the Thread that pulls him.

And the same curiosity pulls us too. By formatting the podcast this way, we’re kept listening by the same fascination to unravel this massive pile of information as Jon is, perfectly united with his goals not just because we root for him but because we are doing the exact same thing as him, in a way only mystery novels can usually achieve. Keep Watching.

no offense or anything but i truly honestly think tma’s strength was in its massive array of intricately connected minor characters and side plots and the way that like every single thing that ever happened in the narrative had at most three degrees of separation

[ram-de]

[read] heartsong thoughts vomit (pt. 2)

Oh shit. OH SHIT. I KNEW IT... CHRIS AND TANNER :-(

There's a lot of callbacks to how it was with robbie... Elizabeth is the one accepting robbie first wasn't she? Even before ox does. Letting him help with dinner. It was tradition... Man...

I can understand rico's frustration on holding on to his, resentment because FUCKING THOMAS BENNETT.

My son robbie😭

THIS RITUAL IS BASICALLY DOING DRUGS?? LMAOO

I love my tsundere grumpy uncle gordo hsgshsjsh he's so funny sometimes

I need Kelly's courting story being told in depth in a separate book UGHHH I NEED THE SWOON. Then again it's. It's basically happening again so. HSGZHSJSJHS AREBT THEY'RE THE SWEETEST??? ROBBIE IS SO WHIPPEDDDD like he was

AWWWW THIS IS THE ASININE SWEET robbie....

PEAK FIRST DATE SHSGSJSJ I'M GOING FERAL NOBODY TAKES THEM AWAY FROM ME!

Robbie and mark moments sghsgshsh THIS BOOK IS SO GOOD lots of dynamics explored. Afterall Robbie stayed with Mark during the whole 3 years pack... And they were close!! I think! (I don't remember ravensong I was too consumed by T***** hatred)

Have I said the casual touch/forehead kisses is really. Sweet to see. Like. I LOVE WOLVES!! packpackpack

Hsgsjdjdh see what I say about robbie being glass cannon😭 that's so out of the pocket!! Lmao

FIREFLIES SCENE?? They they pulled the classics... I LOVE THEM YOUR HONOR

the thought of them yelling without clothes is so😭 fucking werewolves... damn this is the most that Kelly have talked. In one breath. Props to you my love Kelly. TIME R WOLF??? He's. He's cute.

I always loved the sleepover scene... Pile of wolves just slep. THEY'RE SO SOFT...

H,,, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING CARTER?😭 HEGFGSHSUDH HE'S INSANE HSGXBXBDINEKXJDJE WATERSPORTS? DD. S? SDHJD

OX IS A MENACEE DHHSJSJS

Chris and tanner you two have my heart and whole they're so funny dhsgdgshsjd #temahumans

Wait that's true Chris why didn't they call a biologist or someone from the scientific field to like... Examine it, cure it and take away their memories after it's gone...

THIS PACK IS A MENACEE OH LORD I LOVE THEM

DAMN RIGHT ROBBIE YOU ARE GOING TO PROVIDE. Robbie. Wolf wolf. Strong wolf. Wolf provide. packpackpack.

Fucking Thomas benett... His letters to Kelly's future... it's overwhelming with love and adoration I teared up a bit... Fuck me man. he did acknowledge of losing sight of what's important. that's good.

BUT ALSO ITS QUITE CURIOUS WHY HE DIDN'T SEND ANY LETTERS TO MARK'S Partner. Hmm? HMM?? YOU'RE ON THIN ICE. EVEN WORSE. HE ACKNOWLEDGED IT BUT. BARELY DID NOTHING TO GORDO AFTER HE RETURNS? HMM?

Of course you are loved robbie aaaaa :(

Abel Bennett told a pregnant lady to leave??? Because??? He didn't want her to bring trouble for his pack??? Yeah idk maybe the bennetts have always been assholes and hypocrites. Abel and Thomas both.

Timber wolf is cute but isn't it kinda messed up that Carter was attached to him when this wolf has always been a wolf😭 their first meeting... We're not threading the line of beast love are we... idk how book 4 is gonna touch on this lmao (well not as messed up as ox meeting joe with the age gap in book 1 but🐺)

If fucking Thomas Bennett is complicit in all the Abel secrecy and whatnot. His hand is not clean from blood😐 so unfair that he could be messing a lot of things up and die not facing the consequences his family had to endure. Not apologizing to gordo, absolved of his sins (since he's in alpha haven or something appearing in Robbie's dreams) like. Fucking hell I hate thomas bennett

I really miss the presence of Joe's character😔 I think by now he's really delegated into barely present side character, "ox's mate" or "the other alpha". Ox is the one who made all the callings. I... Man. Where is my cheerful and teasing son... He's so. I don't know. So... Bland. An imitation of the original flavor joe...

TIMBER WOLF SHSGSJSJ love u

Oh there he is. Finally the author remembered to utilize Joe as an alpha... JOE:( joe's mirroring thomas kneeling before gordo. The difference is Joe apologized to Robbie while fucking Thomas Bennett just want to use gordo, even then that's after threatening him. Fucking Thomas Bennett.

ok... Wow... joe you were really threading the line on being the next Thomas Bennett. Because I sympathize with robbie... Like I did gordo's. Man... :-(

Man carter really fell in love to a freaking wolf... 😭 and by that I mean literal wolf... Werewolf sure but never shifted to human... ERM...

I can't be immersed in the dramatic scenes when I kept imagining the omega kids and Robert livingstone and michelle just standing there like🧍🏻 waiting for ox to end his speech or robbie to stop crying and like...

Wait WAITTT STOPP PULLING THOSE MARVEL POST-CREDIT SCENES STUNTS AGHHHHHHH ITS NOT A MOVIE GRRRRRRR the epilogue should've been about robbie and Kelly

IT ENDED??? AAAAAAAAA😭😭😭 I think this is the best installment of the series so far... Robbie... Kelly... Like even though I don't like the premise (memory loss) I felt like it handled better than I expected. Tackling issues like what makes someone be if not without their minds and memories. Like... Meeting each member pack, some characters went through a lot of developments which I love love love, depth into Elizabeth grief and motherhood, Jessie and Dominique characters, the townies, rico's antics outside of being comedy relief, though other characters felt more bland? Shallow? (eg. Joe until nearing the end). Packs intimacy is being peak... Kelly is the softest of all because his love is pure and enduring...

I mean it when I say this brought a lot of fresh air and angst-wise it's. Heartsong isn't a neverending emotional torture book like ravensong is. It's such a relief after ravensong. Gordo's grumpy old man antics is endearing with Mark being happy after all of that. What else. Handling of villain may be a bit ??? At times it felt like they're only there when plot needed them to be.

And robbie. Robbie... My love he is everything... It sucks that he had to relive being lost, though it also doubles the impact when he got it all back. I teared up. I... I love heartsong sm....

Fuck me. The letters. Fuck you tj klune... Thomas Bennett is a scum, mayhaps unintentionally manipulative, and lost. He is all but perfect. This has been repeated millionth of times. But damn if the letter didn't. Help me see his, human, side. It's raw. It's a letter from a loving father, a loving husband, a loving brother. I, ugh... It just pours love and adoration and hope... Like how I perceived him in Book 1 before, yeah.

...

BROTHERSONG SPOILER I FORGOT TO PUT IT IN THE OTHER POST /////!!!!!!! /! ////////////////////////////

I really want to make write a full-on retrospective or something. But... Man... That's. I feel like I need to re-read it properly to capture the justice of how. How beautiful the story is. Irks aside, annoyment aside, resentment aside, I really love the characters. They're the life of the story, they're dynamics, they're lively, they're humans (or wolfs), and they grow. Reading this has been a journey. Like man, I can't believe I saw how little Joe grow from this (previously traumatized) adorable kid into the all-encompassing, loving and caring man. Or Ox, who went from having only his mother by his side, to Gordo's, to the Bennets, to the Alpha that he is? I... UGH... I feel like it deserve another post. I still haven't read lovesong and feralsong...

WAIT I SHOULD BE WRITING THIS FOR THE BROTHERSONG PSOT FUCK

[fahrni]

Saturday Morning Coffee

Good morning from Charlottesville, Virginia! ☕️

I haven’t reported on Ms. Gracie’s sleep schedule for a while. She’s finally — FINALLY — letting me sleep longer. It seems I can get to bed around 11:30 and she doesn’t need to do her business until 5:30 or so so. Sometimes 6:30! It’s been wonderful. Puppies really are like human babies in a lot of ways.

On with the links!

Justine Tunney

It’s called apelink.c and it’s a fine piece of poetry that weaves together the Portable Executable, ELF, Mach-O, and PKZIP file formats into shell scripts that run on most PCs and servers without needing to be installed.

This is kind of cool and, again, I like having an open solution folks could evolve.

I can’t figure out how to put together a good search query to find an article on it but macOS does this today with its application bundles. I suppose it’s not exactly the same but the idea certainly is.

Tim Carmody • kottke.org

The ideas Dave is talking about in this podcast are serious (even if he is laughing a lot), and he spells them out in text at a site called Textcasting.org.

I think I get what Dave is saying but I’d need to spend more time thinking about it. To get buy in from all the big platforms would mean either compromise or extensions to the format that only certain platforms would use. In other words, it’s a can of worms.

That doesn’t mean it can’t be done and that it’s not worth doing. It just means it’ll be difficult.

We already have blogs, links, and RSS. I publish posts to my blog to other sources automagically. But, that means my platform has to know how the API to that platform works. If there were a standard format for uploading RSS or some other structured document format I could see that being appealing.

Would the publisher push the changes to various other platforms or would each platform pull the post, like RSS works today? 🤔

Ivan Mehta • TechCrunch

Instagram head Adam Mosseri said today that a Threads API is in the works. This will give developers a chance to create different apps and experiences around Threads.

I like it when API’s are created to open up platforms but I have a feeling this one will be extremely limited. And what happened to using ActivityPub and Fediverse support? Why not do that? Oh, right, it would mean completely opening Threads to developers. They don’t want that because they need those eyeballs clearly focused on Threads.

Hey, how about starting with RSS? Let me subscribe to a users RSS feed for their posts. That would be really nice and allow me to follow some brands without cluttering my Threads timeline.

Also, give us Mastodon integration. 😀

Jon Schwarz • The Intercept

Former president Jimmy Carter said Tuesday on the nationally syndicated radio show the Thom Hartmann Program that the United States is now an “oligarchy” in which “unlimited political bribery” has created “a complete subversion of our political system as a payoff to major contributors.” Both Democrats and Republicans, Carter said, “look upon this unlimited money as a great benefit to themselves.”

I know Jimmy Carter is seen as a Presidential failure by many, but there is no questioning his commitment to humanity and everything he’s given post Presidency. He’s a national treasure and someone we should listen to.

Of course nobody will. Nobody except we commoners not part of the political establishment.

I have no clue how to change this stuff but I’d like to see it happen. The unlimited money pouring into campaigns needs to be reined in.

Could a set of laws be created to give all campaigns an equal amount of money with equal amount of airtime and web presence to level the playing field?

Lucidity

I saved my company half a million dollars in about five minutes. This is more money than I’ve made for my employers over the course of my entire career because this industry is a sham. I clicked about five buttons.

This story made me chuckle a couple times. Corporations can get so bogged down in process and politics it’s amazing they can accomplish anything, much less a useful computing infrastructure.

David Corn • Mother Jones

Mike Johnson Hates America, But He Believes He Can Save It

It seems like Mr. Jones is quite the Christian Nationalist and hasn’t the slightest clue what our founding fathers intended for us.

Having a national religion is an abomination. The First Amendment to the Constitution is pretty clear on the matter.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

It’s right there in black and white. We have the freedom to choose a religion. That can include Satanism. You don’t have to like it, you just have to live with it.

v8.dev

A new way to bring garbage collected programming languages efficiently to WebAssembly

Here’s a bit of light technical reading for you! It’s incredible what hoops we jump through to achieve amazing things in computing.

I still believe the CLI standard should’ve been the runtime of choice for the browser.

Indivisible

We’re stepping back from the increasingly dangerous and dysfunctional ‘X’, and we’re sorry it’s taken this long

I suppose we’ll continue to see this. The big question is where do they land? They’ll probably have to have a presence on Mastodon, Blue Sky, and Threads.

Liberty Dunworth • NME

Record labels and recording companies have been working to prevent artists from re-recording their albums like Taylor Swift, according to reports.

Can you blame artists for wanting to own the rights to their work? I certainly can’t.

The record labels should be ashamed. It’s kind of a scammy business and it’s too bad musical acts haven’t figured out a why to band together and move record labels out of the picture altogether.

I say that and of course I can’t do anything about my reliance on Apple to get my app in front of millions of people.

Jacquelyn Melinek • TechCrunch

Sam Bankman-Fried, the co-founder and former CEO of crypto exchange FTX and trading firm Alameda Research, has been found guilty on all seven counts related to fraud and money laundering.

I guess he effed around and found out!

For me this brings up all the Orange Man trials. Why did this one happen so quickly and his are dragging out?

Anywho. I’m sure SBF will be taking these charges to the next higher court, then the next, and so on. The rich and famous have such an advantage in the legal system.

Elizabeth Blackstock • Jalopnik

It’s getting tough out there for the poor folks who have never faced systemic inequality but desperately want to feel oppressed. That’s why America First Legal — a conservative legal group led by Stephen Miller, a former adviser to former President Trump — is claiming that NASCAR is actually racist against white American men. That’s a first!

This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Have you ever watched a NASCAR race? It’s probably 99% white faces in the stands.

They’re just pissed NASCAR finally came into the 20th century and banned Confederate flags from NASCAR races.

Poor racists and their “But ma heritage!” Yeah, a heritage of hate and enslaving people. Great heritage. 🤬

Jay Barmann • sfist.com

Downtown Tech Office Shuts Down Its Free Cocktail Bar For Employees, CEO Says ‘The Office Is Dead’

Not even free booze could bring employees back to the office.

If you’re interested in socializing you should go to the office. It’s fine. I know a lot of people who prefer it to working from home.

I’ve seriously considered going into the office one day a week to change things up and hang out around other people. I’ve been to our office less than 20 times since folks started returning. I got COVID last summer during a group on-site and more recently had an on-site to nail down some API design and someone had COVID and didn’t know it until they returned home at the end of the week. Thankfully I dodged that bullet.

Maybe they should open a pub. Might as well do something useful with that liquor license, right? 🤔

Ryan Erik King • Jalopnik

Bubba Wallace’s No. 23 Toyota Camry will be doing a special Star Wars paint scheme for the NASCAR Cup Series season finale this weekend at Phoenix Raceway. The livery is intended to promote 23XI Racing sponsor Columbia Sportswear’s upcoming Star Wars collection, but the design is far more than just a couple of logos and movie characters slapped onto some bodywork.

If you’re a Star Wars fan or a NASCAR fan you owe it to yourself to go watch the video. Not only is Bubba Wallace’s car sporting a Star Wars theme so is Tyler Reddick’s.

[merrock]

ROCKIN' SUNFLOWER FESTIVAL

time: September 2nd - September 4th

location: Harmony Ranch, countryside

Welcome to our annual Sunflower Festival -- with a twist! This year, the owners of Harmony Ranch have kindly invited everyone to join them at their brand new stage and event area, right next to the sunflower field. There's tons to see and do, and the grounds are open from 4PM until 10PM on Friday, 11AM until 11PM on Saturday, and 11AM until 11PM on Sunday.

Food and drinks will be available for purchase -- mostly baked goods and fresh iced tea, lemonade and fruit juices, plus hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill.

The sunflower maze will be open, if you're brave enough to try! (Just kidding, we'll save the scaries for next month.) There's also a sunflower field specifically for picking bouquets to take home, as well as craft booths to have fun with, and face painting for the kids!

One of the most exciting parts, however, is our musical acts! The following will be on stage this weekend:

Friday: 5PM – Unknown Destination

Friday: 8PM – Chetan Gupta (ft. Darrius Powell)

Saturday: 12PM – Stelly Carter

Saturday: 2:30PM – Jamie Mariadaga-Evans (ft. Sylvia Cuenco-Burke)

Saturday @ 8PM – Unknown Destination

Sunday: 12PM – Jamie Mariadaga-Evans (ft. Sylvia Cuenco-Burke)

Sunday: 5PM – Chetan Gupta (ft. Darrius Powell)

Come with the whole family, or drop by yourself after a long day of work. This event is alcohol free, and perfect for kids, so everyone can be safe, relax and enjoy themselves.

MOD NOTE: open threads for this event can be created Friday, Saturday or Sunday, and continued as long as you would like, but please don't create any after the event has ended. Super, duper thank you to everyone who signed up to participate as musical acts, and please feel free to assume there are other bands happening during the days. Thank you!

[ao3feed-stevesharon]

Darling, please remember me.

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/RuYctlQ

by redlipsredledger

This was a weird thought I had on the train the other day...

Natasha Romanov had a mission that went awry, six months have passed since that day and Bucky Barnes is doing his best to keep her sisters safe and happy, he's doing his best to move on with his life and help them through their grief while he drowns in his own. They all knew that going out there into the field was dangerous, but no one wants to think about the worst-case scenario.

When there's a thread of hope that she might still be alive, Bucky must decide whether to mount an offensive that could get her killed for real this time, or whether to find a more diplomatic way about it. Either way though, no one knows what Natasha has been through in that time, and no one knows what they're even going to bring home.

Words: 3244, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Marvel, Marvel 616, Marvel (Comics), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Black Widow (Comics), Winter Soldier (Comics)

Rating: Not Rated

Warnings: Major Character Death

Categories: F/M

Characters: Yelena Belova, Ava Orlova, Natasha Romanov (Marvel), James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers, Sharon Carter (Marvel), Clint Barton, Bobbi Morse, Laura Kinney, Remy LeBeau

Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Sharon Carter/Steve Rogers

Additional Tags: Memory Loss, Loss, Blood Loss, Grief/Mourning, Character Death, Hostage Situations, Spies & Secret Agents, True Love, Broken Families, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst and Tragedy, Yelena Belova Needs a Hug, Natasha Romanov Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Feels, Recovery, Black Widow: Forever Red, Big Sister Natasha Romanov, Rescue Missions, Rescue, Implied/Referenced Torture, Psychological Torture, Aftermath of Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Bucky Barnes, Missions Gone Wrong

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/RuYctlQ

[kippykasey]

Grace - Chapter 3: Project Rebirth

Pairing: Howard Stark x F!Reader , Bucky x Reader [Eventually]

Word Count: 3438

Series Summary: A young nurse is recruited by Dr. Abraham Erskine to join the SSR to assist on Project Rebirth. Following her work with the SSR she is drafted into the US Army Nurse Corps in the war against the Nazis...and HYDRA.

Chapter Warnings: character death, mention of suicide pill

Author's Note: This is the prequel of Snowdrop. It will follow the nurse (reader) from the events of Captain America the First Avenger on through Winter Soldier (and up to where we picked up with Snowdrop most likely).

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the gifs they are either found on google or under the gif tag provided by tumblr. Any language other than English was translated using Google Translator, and translations will be posted in bolden italics after. I am not a nurse or in the medical field although I may do some research medical treatment written may not be correct.

Grace Masterlist | Snowdrop Masterlist | Masterlist

The nurse woke up early, curled up in the arms of Howard Stark in the room the two now shared. They would inevitably need to get up and prepare for the big day. After all, today was the big day everyone had been waiting for. Project Rebirth’s test subject would be tested on. Steven Rogers was going to be given the serum today.

Yet why did the nurse have this looming bad feeling filling her from the moment her eyes flickered open? Dr. Erskine and herself had gone over the formula hundreds if not thousands of times before he created the actual serum. She had been in the room with Howard when he designed and started to build the chamber. She had even met and seen Steve in action. So why was she slowly filled with dread? Maybe it wasn’t dread, maybe it was just her nerves. Nerves for if something would go wrong. Nerves for her nearly immediate deployment.

“You’re overthinking again, doll face.” Howard’s half asleep grumble broke the nurse from her racing thoughts enough for her to scoff. “No I’m not.” She denied before picking at a loose strand of thread hanging off the blanket. “Your nose kind of scrunched up when you’re deep in thought.” She let out a sigh of defeat before rolling over to face him. “I have a bad feeling about today, Howie. Something’s not right.” The Stark man leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “It’s just nerves darling. Don’t worry. They have the best nurse on the job.” The nurse rolls her eyes as she pulled away to get ready for today.

【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】

The SSR was already bustling with activity when the young couple arrived early that morning. Security was heavier than usual, guards were stationed at every door. There were always two guards inside the procedure room at all times. Other scientists and doctors assisting the procedure, mainly watching vitals and the equipment, were already bustling around. Agent Carter and Steve Rogers would be arriving in two hours and everything had to be ready by then. The nurse herself kept moving, gathering the supplies she would need, sterilizing her work station, checking in and assisting Dr. Erskine on his tasks to prepare. When she did have a spare moment she checked in on Howard to see how he was doing.

Howard, Erskine, and the nurse were all leaning over comparing notes when the doors opened two hours later announcing the arrival of Peggy and Steve. Side conversations halted and the room became so silent you could hear a pin drop. Heads all over the room were turned upward at the entrance where Peggy stood with Steve. Seeing the slightly nervous, panning eyes of the frail man above the nurse offered him a soft smile.

Agent Carter led the man down the metal staircase, bringing the scientists out of their staring trance and back to the business at hand. The two made their way over towards the center control platform where they stopped next to the chamber. Erskine turned from the desk a closed file in his grasp.

“Good morning.” The German man greeted, shaking Roger's hand. A flash of light and loud snapping sound of the photographer’s camera even made the nurse glance up from where she now prepared her things for the pre-evaluation. “Please, not now.” Upon request of the head scientist the photographer lowered his camera and walked away. The nurse glanced up from her work to see the way Rogers looked over the chamber that he would be enclosed in for the process.

“Are you ready?” Erskine asked but the only answer he received was the man’s head nodding which he joined with his own nod of understanding. “Good. Take off your shirt, your tie, and your hat. Nurse (L/n) will get you ready.” Erskine instructed. Rogers took his hat off as Erskine turned and allowed the nurse to step forward. “Agent Carter,”She smiled at the woman while waiting for the man to strip off his top half.

With the small blonde man now half undressed the nurse began her pre-evaluation check. Heart rate, temperature, weight, and everything that could be changed by the serum. The only other nurse in the room stepped forward to move the shirt, hat, and tie from the machine and over off to the side. “This way Mr. Rogers. Lay down just like you would on an examination table. I hope it's not too cold.” The nurse led him over to the step ladder to help him onto the table-like backrest of the chamber. “The other nurse had stepped over to Erskine to notify him of the current status of Steve’s body.

“It’s a bit cool.” Steve comments trying to distract himself from the slight nervous feeling he had. The nurse smiles from next to him before stepping away to grab the penicillin she would be giving him a shot of. Erskine stepped up to his side as Rogers settled in. “Comfortable?” Steve lifted his head slightly to glance down at all the extra space. “It’s a little big.” Both Erskine and the nurse let out soft laughs as she walked back up to his side. “You save me any of that schnapps?” Steve questions glancing over at the German scientist. “Not as much as I should have, sorry. Next time.”

With a moment of pause the scientist called out, “Mr. Stark, how are your levels?” Howard, who had left to do his rounds to check on things, approached from behind Erskine and Peggy. “Levels at 100%.” Erskine adjusted his glasses and turned, “Good.” Howard stood next to Rogers and the chamber he made, “We may dim half the lights in Brooklyn, but we are ready as we’ll ever be.” The nurse stood across from Howard, glancing at him for a second before strapping Rogers in the way Howard had shown her earlier that morning.

“Agent Carter, don’t you think you would be more comfortable in the booth?” Erskine suggested. Peggy nods her head, “Yes, of course. Sorry.” She turned to head up to the viewing booth. Where Phillips and a dozen other people were waiting to see the experiment happen. The nurse caught Peggy’s eye when she glanced down one more time before entering the booth and mouthed to the woman, “I’ll take care of him.”

The two nurses looked over the monitored vitals that were starting to come in while slipping on gloves. In the background a thudding sounded over the PA system followed by feedback from the microphone Erskine was given. “Do you hear me? Is this on?” The scientist tested before beginning, “Ladies and gentlemen, today we take not another step towards annihilation, but the first step on the path to peace.” As Erskine spoke the nurse stepped up to Rogers and began to lower the arms that were going to hold him down inside the chamber. While she is strapping him in, two scientists push in the air sealed case of serum, opening it to reveal seven vials.

“We begin with a series of microinjections into the subject’s major muscle groups. The serum infusion will cause immediate cellular change.” The two nurses each grabbed three vials each and properly placed the blue vials into the chamber for injection. “And then, to stimulate growth, the subject will be saturated with Vita-Rays.” The nurse begins to hum Amazing Grace under her breath, soft enough that the microphone couldn’t pick it up. Rogers looked over at her as she wiped his arm to prepare it for the shot. Erskine set down his microphone and approached Steve on the opposite side.

Rogers’ face scrunched up as she gave him the shot. “That wasn’t so bad.” He says softly, eyes closed. “That was penicillin.” At the doctor’s words, Steve’s eyes opened and he turned his head towards him. “You’ll be okay.” The nurse smiled hoping to give him some encouragement before she stepped away. “Serum infusion beginning in five, four,” Two padded arms with eight different needle points moved on both sides of Steve pressing into his biceps, “three, two, one.”

The nurse stepped over to where Howard stood, her nerves even higher now then they were all day. A scientist pushed a lever up with his palm starting the injection process. Howard lightly brushed his hand over her back as he watched her eyebrows furrow but his attention quickly turned back towards the experiment. Steve’s grunts of pain made the nurse bite her lip in worry for the man, could he handle the serum?

“Now, Mr. Stark.” Abraham instructed as soon as all the serum had been injected. Stark flipped down a lever with a red ball on top causing the chamber to move into an upright position, while two side panels and a top helmet dome seamlessly closed around Steve’s body. Scientists attached large hoses that will pump the vita-rays into the sealed chamber. Erskine stepped up to the chamber peering into the small class window near the head. The nurse’s heartbeat drowned out what she assumed was the man checking on Rogers.

Yet with a few deep breaths she was able to calm herself just in time for Howard to turn the dial to begin subjecting Steve to the vita-rays. The nurse put on specialized glasses that would help block out the light produced by the rays.

“That’s ten percent.”

“Twenty percent.”

As Howard slowly turned up the power, the light increased as well.

“Thirty.”

A high pitched noise was coming from the machine now and the nurse took a small step forward but Erskine grabbed her wrist to stop her from going closer.

“That’s forty percent.”

“Vital signs are normal.” One of the doctors announced.

“That’s fifty percent.”

“Sixty.”

“Seventy.”

Steve began to scream in pain and the nurse stepped up closer with Erskine at her side. “Steven!” Erskine called worried for the man. “You stay here.” He ordered the nurse as he hurried closer to the chamber leaving the nurse by herself. “Steven!” From the balcony above Peggy Carter called down, “Shut it down!” Erskine called for Steven again while banging his fist against the metal chamber. “Shut it down!”

Erskine turned on his heel pointing to Howard, “Kill the reactor, Mr. Stark!” He hurried away from the chamber, Steve still screaming inside. “Turn it off! Kill it! Kill the reactor!” Howard’s hand just touched the kill switch when Rogers called out, “No!” Erskine and the nurse turned towards the Chamber. “Don’t! I can do this!” Rogers yelled. Stark moved back to the wheel and continued to turn up the power.

“Eighty.”

“Ninety.”

“That’s one hundred percent.”

The electricity hummed loudly, being so close was even making the nurse feel bothered by it. Sparks going off at the control panel by Howard stole her attention for a moment, a warning before sparks flashed around the room at different control panels before the power dimmed out and turned off. The scientists and nurses slowly pulled off the protective lenses they were wearing. “Howie, open it.” The nurse got out seconds before Erskine called for him to open the chamber. The panels opened revealing a very different physical body than the one that was enclosed within them. The strap that had previously been wrapped around his waist hung snapped apart at his sides. Steve had grown taller, his shoulders broadened, and he had the physical physique of the perfect soldier.

The blonde man’s head rolled forward. The nurse turned to instruct the other woman to grab a shirt for him but scoffed at how she just stared at his bare sweat covered chest. Those who watched from the room above began to come down. Between Howard and Erskine they were able to get Steve down. “I did it.” Rogers let out in tired pants as he recovered from the exposure. “I think we did it.” Erskine corrected. “You actually did it.” Howard’s mumbled awestruck statement matched the amazement in his wide eyed stare.

Erskine stepped forward to help Steve down and out of the chamber. “Steven, Steven.” Peggy pushed her way through the scientists to stand in front of Rogers who was now taller than her. “How do you feel? She asked, her eyes never really leaving his face, the one thing that didn’t really change all that much. Steve looked around letting out a huff of air. “Taller.” The nurse handed a shirt out towards them. Which Peggy quickly grabs from her and hands to him. “You look taller.”

Men were moving to congratulate Dr. Erskine who always seemed to also sneak in a ‘thanks’ to his assistant, the nurse who was currently hugging Howard Stark. “Still nervous?” Howard asked softly. “No but I still have a bad feeling.” She whispered back before Erskine called her away. As she walked towards the German doctor her body stumbled as an explosion went off in the viewing booth above. Glass rained down on everyone. “Stop him!” Instinct kicked in and the nurse turned, using her own body to shield Howard’s when she heard gunfire. A woman screamed, the nurse raised her head, eyes scanning the room and locking on a man fleeing up the staircase.

Rogers was the first one up making his way through the crowd. Peggy was the first to draw her gun and shoot the man escaping. The nurse stood, Howard rising to his feet with her as his hands settled on her waist. That was when she saw it. Rogers was kneeling on the ground over the body of Abraham Erskine. The nurse hurries over to them, tripping and apologizing on her way to them.

Erskine was still alive, his finger pointing at Steve’s heart before his eyes closed as he passed away. The nurse couldn’t stop the tears from falling even if she tried. She didn’t even notice when Steve took off. When Howard pulled her to him she curled up against his chest. “Shh, I’ve got you, doll. I’ve got you.” Stark soothed, rubbing her back gently.

Rogers returned, the man behind the attack took a suicide pill avoiding being captured. The nurse had finally pushed her emotions aside, although her eyes were swimming with grief. She kept her head high as she set out to direct the other nurse to take blood samples from Steve for study. After all, the US government will want to make more of the serum. Howard hovered around the nurse as she made sure no one was hurt during the earlier explosion and tended to the few injured guards who had yet to be worked on. She nodded in greeting to Peggy as she entered the room Rogers was formerly getting blood drawn in.

Everyone, even Peggy and Howard, were not aware of the extent of involvement the nurse had with developing the serum. Everyone was convinced it would take years to figure out how to make the serum based on what they could find in Steve’s blood system. No one knew that the nurse was already suppressing the memory of the serum… that vial blue artificial additive that can cause good but also evil.

Steve turned towards the nurse, his eyebrows furrowed in concern. “Nurse (L/n), are you alright? What are you still doing here?” His voice was calm but the nurse just smiled to try and calm his worries. “Until I am deployed I am to oversee the aftermath of your procedure Mr. Rogers. I was Dr. Erskine’s assistant after all.” She turned towards the nurse to see her carefully handling the blood samples. “I take it there wasn’t a struggle with the needle?” Rogers shook his head and the nurse nodded. The nurse was about to step outside when Roger’s spoke again. “Who upset Mr. Stark?” The nurse turned around slightly peering at the blonde man. “Pardon?”

“Mr. Stark, he seems upset outside the room.” His response was almost hesitant. The nurse couldn’t stop the corner of her mouth from turning up. “Good to know your hearing is enhanced too. I’ll go check on Mr. Stark. Agent Carter, I leave him in your care.” The nurse leaves the room. Howard wasn’t just outside the room where he said he would wait when she went in. With a few short steps she spotted Howard just around the corner talking with Colonel Phillips.

“Postpone her deployment. She needs to recover from grief before you ship her off overseas to join a war where all she’s likely to see is injuries and death.” Howard insisted his hands move to emphasize what he was saying. “She is not a little girl Mr. Stark. Remind you, she covered you during this morning's attack. That nurse is the best darn gal we might have on our side. We need her over there. She’s had her training and she has done her job assisting with this experiment. Dr. Erskine’s death is a tragic accident but this is war and I can not afford to keep back one of our pieces. Dr. Reinstein is ready to take over her duties so she can leave in two days with the rest of the new recruits being sent out.” Colonel Phillips explained the tone of his voice showing that he was beginning to get annoyed with Howard.

Howard let out a heavy sigh, “Just give me one last weekend. I want to take her on a business trip with me. I’ll fly her myself and make sure she is there Monday morning. Just please, Colonel.”

“Fine, if it will get you away from me and back to work, then you get one weekend. Make it count Mr. Stark. I want her at camp by ten o’clock on Monday morning. Now get down to looking over that submarine. You and the nurse need to be in London, I mean it, Stark.” Phillips talked as he walked away to go meet someone for a meeting.

“Howie..” The nurse called to him softly. The man turned towards her his eyes softened as he stepped towards her. “Hey, doll. Dr. Reinstein is going to be taking over around here. I want you to go home and pack some things. We’ve got a quick business venture to make on our way to London.” Stark leaned forward and kissed her forehead.

【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】

After the day she had the nurse listened to Howard and went home. Mentally her mind was still at the SSR building but she was physically at home packing a bag and setting it with Howards, he always seemed to have a bag ready for impromptu trips. Then she sat on the couch, her eyes locked on the window, unconsciously singing the hymn Amazing Grace to herself. When Howard arrived home a few hours later he found her asleep on the couch. He hated having to wake her but he woke her up, grabbed their bags and locked up their home. The young couple made their way to one of the small planes Howard made, each taking a seat at the front of the plane with a headset on. “You can go back to sleep, doll. I’ll wake you when we arrive.” The nurse lets out a soft yawn as she curls up the best she can on the copilot seat.

She slept all the way up until landing. When they landed on the outskirts of a forest in Africa. The sun was rising, the sun glowing orange casting a peach glow across the violet sky into the slowly lightening blue. The nurse’s eyes were locked on the sky. The warm African air is just barely moving in the gentle breeze. “Howie,” The nurse called softly, turning to figure out where her boyfriend had gone.

Although he looked tired from flying all night, there stood Howard Stark right behind her, his hands fumbling over a small red velvet box. The man took a small step forward before he lowered to the ground, opening the box and holding it out for the woman to see. Securely in the box was an engagement ring, it wasn’t overly big but it was just sparkling in the morning light.

“Marry me? I know the world is in chaos but I want to be with you when all of this is over. Marry me, (Y/n).” Brown eyes looked up at the nurse as she covered her mouth, speechless by the unexpected proposal she just looked down at the man and nodded her head unable to find her voice. “Yes.” A faint crack of a response came from her as she kept nodding. Howard rose to his feet, slipped the ring on her finger, and embraced her in a loving kiss.