#thoughtsandfeelingsakanobullies

[thoughtsandfeelingsakanobullies]

Repeat after me: I’m alright, I’m Ok, and I’m going to make it! Love y’...

I needed to hear this

[thoughtsandfeelingsakanobullies]

Everyone's worse is on their own scale of worse, don't just disregard others' suffering.

At the end of the day, in the thick of life's worst moments, you would want the same empathy.

[thoughtsandfeelingsakanobullies]

Remember

Some ways to prevent suicide, lets keep in mind that affordable housing is suicide prevention, livable wages are suicide prevention, universal healthcare is suicide prevention, preventing and refraining from ALL forms of bullying of any kind is suicide prevention.

[thoughtsandfeelingsakanobullies]

have you ever sat in your room alone in the dark thinking about how many of your family members and your one friend(because you're a social wreck and can't make but only one friend) don't REALLY ACTUALLY like you because of your mental issues that pushes everyone away and makes you easily agitated and depressed all the time so it ULTIMATELY leaves you LONELY because nobody wants to deal with your mental health struggle (In my head, rightfully so..because I hate myself and what I've become and how my life has been for years now) and it leaves you trapped in your head as you run in circles around your mind endlessly trying to find a way out that's NOT suicide (as an effort to not dissapoint or sadden loved ones because you really DO care way more about them and their thoughts and we'll being WAY MORE than you do yourself) while tripping and falling into a pile of depressionshit that seems to get bigger everytime you trip and fall into that same familiar pile of depressionshit that you fear may one day kill you... But then again you hope that pile of shit succeeds in taking your life because at times it feels like an endless UNBEARABLE cycle of hopelessness?????????????

Have you ever???

[thoughtsandfeelingsakanobullies]

But what is life with absence of joy?

[thoughtsandfeelingsakanobullies]

It's ok. Whatever you are dealing with, just know that there is always SOMEONE who thinks highly of you or thinks about you in general. Try to hold on to the thought that they would be impacted in some way (more than likely negatively) if you were hurt or gone. Stay safe.😌

[thoughtsandfeelingsakanobullies]

Depression: I'm here for your daily torture session😈

Me:🙄😒😴

[thoughtsandfeelingsakanobullies]

Nobody who classifies as a mortal human can be inferior nor superior to another. Some humans may be more or less accomplished than others, but that doesn’t make them more or less important.

[thoughtsandfeelingsakanobullies]

Why are people inherently evil and good and not just good

1. Why are certain people so bad to the point that we can't trust them?

&

2. Why are people so distrustful of someone that they don't even know?

Well for 1.) Well this person may be corrupted unbeknownst to their own subconscious mind...

And for 2.) I mean well the obvious answer is that we want to prevent any possible chance of someone hurting us or our loved ones...

But the concept still conjures up a mess of thought in my mind...like why are people and not even just adults...but people in general inherently evil... lying, stealing, cheating, hurting one another, killing one another... untrustworthiness, betrayal... Satan maybe? Evil? I think so... don't really KNOW *KNOW* for sure...but I strongly think so...no one REALLY KNOWS.... But most just go on the belief...

I mean I've done my fair share of research with various forms of scripture....but NO ONE KNOWS ANYTHING...but we can believe in something..for if we REALLY knew how to stop these major issues they would be solved... but no matter how hard we try there is always a natural instinctive level of duality when it comes to Good and Evil.. light and darkness.. Within most people.

We Stand upon each others shoulders to gain success or money or a first place prize.. and I know people will say, "Well that's just life" or "What drive or motivation would we have to do better if there were no competition?" but the big question is WHY?

Everything we do has a competitive feel from when seed swims to egg...to when it is decided who makes the soccer team...to when its decided who gets the job..like why is it that way is my question...I understand the basic answer to these questions and I understand the different holy books' reasonings ..But I'M trying to understand WHY IS LIFE THIS WAY... Something that I think (and don't know) we won't ACTUALLY discover until we are no longer here (conveniently enough🙄)...

But this is just a random observation I continue to have..wondering above and beyond what we are given as scriptures...questioning everything...taking nothing..for face value.

[thoughtsandfeelingsakanobullies]

I've known/ realized this fact for years but I was just reminded that you can't tell everybody everything... Unfortunately, no matter how bad you are suffering, not everybody will want or can be able to help you. It sucks and I hate it

[thoughtsandfeelingsakanobullies]

Sorry😥

My family may never see this blog but if I could talk to them..

Id like to let them know I love them very very very much and I think of all of them alot like everyday..

and just because I don't call doesn't mean I dont care or whatever...

I'm really trapped in my own head and thoughts..

It is physically and mentally debilitating...

and making you all's life terrible and miserable with me being around is something I want to avoid doing..

This is why I vanish/Isolate and prefer to suffer in silence..

All I can do is apologize for being invisible for so long..

It hurts knowing that I'm missing out on life..I cry about it every other day

Im trying hard and I'm not always sad but it seems that the bad almost always outweighs the good..

I hope to change this one day..hopefully soon..

I really miss every single one of you..

love you all so much!

[thoughtsandfeelingsakanobullies]

Because of these many things that I suffer with (spiritually and physically) I cannot find love

no one will ever be willing to marry me and I've come to peace with that.

However I haven't come to peace with the fact that all of these things haunt me and have haunted me for years

will they ever end????!!?

I'd really like for these things to disappear forever... I mean the Suicidal Thoughts rage and run rampant STRONGLY within the depths of my mind like a giant, stomping in the distance, quickly approaching and then presenting himself with a terrifying grimace through the forest trees staring....i watch and buckle at the knees and cry

the visuals of my dying have been absolutely terrible and relentless ... I despise them as much as anybody could despise the idea of hell. Except that they are very much vivid in my eyes as I Daydream

[thoughtsandfeelingsakanobullies]

you know... everyone asks, "so where did life go wrong for you"... And I told them "you know I really don't know maybe it was the touching when I was young maybe it was the bully maybe it was the abuse from my dad I don't know but I do know adulthood didn't make it any better."

[thoughtsandfeelingsakanobullies]

Oh how I wish life had a reset button

Oh how I wish

[thoughtsandfeelingsakanobullies]

My Anxiety: "Everyone is talking about you...the people laughing in the corner, yeah they're laughing at you...and everyone knows you're out of work....everyone thinks you are worthless..you are a burden on your family..your family thinks you don't care because you haven't talked to them in months...your family hates you..you're ugly..no one will ever marry you and you will never meet anyone because you are worthless...you SUCK!!!

Me:

[thoughtsandfeelingsakanobullies]

Anxiety just shot through the roof😭😢

I was asked to go to the store.. but I don't have any long sleeved shirts...now I feel bad for not going to the store for the person....hate myself so much.