#thought I’d just post this since I get questions here and ao3 sometimes

[midnight-ninja-llama-undercover]

What I’m Currently Working On

Supercorp

Finishing the royalty au

Werewolf fic

MegAnna

Assassin!Anna and college student!Meg fic

[justagalwhowrites]

Yearling - Ch. 9: Hold

You and Joel go on your first patrol alone. A continuation of Yearling ch. 1-8 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Canon-typical violence. No use of Y/N. Minors DNI 18+ Only 

Length: 6.8k 

AO3 | Chapter One | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

“Hey Bambi!” Tommy jogged up Joel’s front steps and leaned against a post, examining you. You were tucked into a corner of the porch, your back against the front of Joel’s house, guitar on your lap. You stopped playing, looking up at him as he smirked a little at you. “Wasn’t expecting to see you here. Didn’t know you played!” 

“Oh Miller,” you sighed. “I imagine the things you don’t know would fill several libraries.” 

“See, Bambi, this is why I’m glad I’m not goin’ out on patrol with you anymore,” he clutched his heart, mockingly wounded. “You’d just try to kill me out there without Joel to hold you back.” 

“You really think Joel could stop me if I wanted to kill you?” You teased, brows raised. 

“You really think I’d try to stop her?” Joel was standing inside the doorway, arms crossed, the screen door the only thing between him and the outside. “She’s tryin’ to kill you, you probably deserve it.” 

You smiled a little, liking the small intimacy of the front door of Joel’s home sitting open when you were there. In the weeks you’d been playing guitar at Joel’s, you’d made a lot of progress. Once you’d mastered Bad Moon Rising and House of the Rising Sun you started going through the CDs at your house, finding songs you used to know and refreshing your memory. You practiced chord progressions on the handles of shovels in the stables and hummed the melodies as you worked with the horses. When the work was done, you’d get cleaned up and go to Joel’s. 

You’d never explicitly said you would be coming by all the time but he quickly grew to expect it, often meeting you on the porch with the guitar in hand before you even had a chance to knock on his door. 

He usually left you to it, disappearing back into his house - always reminding you that you were welcome to come inside any time you wanted - but he sometimes would sit on the porch with a book or a cup of tea, politely looking toward the horizon to not make you uncomfortable. You still caught him glancing your way every few minutes but you never said anything. 

“I want to hear you play,” you said one night when he met you on the porch. 

He laughed a little.

“Promise you don’t, Bambi,” he held the guitar out to you but you didn’t take it, hands in your back pockets. 

“Yes I do.” 

He sighed and shook his head but smiled a little. 

“Please?” You asked, thumbs anxiously rubbing the seams of your pockets. You didn’t want to make joel do anything he didn’t want to do but something in you desperately wanted to hear him play. Since he’s said he wanted to be a musician you’d wanted to hear him play, be able to see and know that side of him. 

Music had always felt strangely intimate to you. It was the only way you really felt comfortable expressing your feelings and you’d never really understood how people could just get up and perform for hundreds or thousands. The closest you’d ever come was playing violin for the damn beauty pageants your mother made you do as a girl, until you figured out that if you said “fuck you” during the question and answer portion they wouldn’t allow you to come back. But you knew Joel listened to you playing. Sometimes he was more obvious about it. Other times, he quietly opened a window just a bit and didn’t say anything, like he thought you wouldn’t notice. You never bothered to correct him. 

You felt oddly OK with Joel listening to you play. It felt like he already knew so much of you, listening to your music wasn’t going to change any of it. You wanted to know him that way, too. Wanted to be closer to him that way since being physically near him made you nervous. 

“Alright,” he sighed. “Ain’t played for anyone in a while so don’t expect me to be some rockstar.” 

You scoffed. 

“Rockstars are boring assholes anyway,” you said. “Asked to hear you play.” 

He shook his head and quirked is jaw but sat on the top porch step anyway. You sat on the bottom one, back against the railing, and looked up at him. 

“Remember you asked for this,” he said, arranging the guitar on his legs. 

He’d downplayed it so much that you were almost expecting it to be bad or, at best, mediocre. But Joel was… good. Really good. 

It took you a moment to recognize the song. It had been a while since you’d heard Springsteen and Joel’s version of I’m On Fire was slower and gentler than the original. But you liked it that way, you realized. 

Joel’s version felt a little less insistent, less verging on being out of control and more like quiet longing, the ache of wanting something you couldn’t quite reach but you wanted it so bad you had to at least try. It made your chest tighten and your stomach knot to hear it, made you start to feel warm enough that you were fidgeting in the coat. There was a pull in you to want to be a part of anything to do with him, be alongside him, make something with him. You wanted to fall into him and get comfortably lost there, going along with everything that made Joel who he was, no matter where that took you.

You were silent until the last of the notes had faded and Joel sat there, looking down at the guitar in his hands, the uncertainty pouring off him in waves. 

“Well, that’s…” he began but you cut him off. 

“You’re amazing.” 

He looked up, his eyes meeting yours as he frowned slightly. 

“You are,” you said quickly. “I like your version better than Springsteen’s. No one tell the Boss that, though.” 

He smiled a little, just enough that you could see the dimple on his cheek and you smiled back. 

You were more comfortable being closer to the house after that day. You spent a few days playing on the bottom step, then moved to the top. Now, you always sat in the corner of the porch, your back protected by touching Joel’s home. You liked it there. 

The comfort had made it easier to relax while playing, too. Now, you were back where you were before the outbreak, playing whatever song you could hear in your head without much trouble, experimenting with the different ways you could pull sound out of the instrument and how you could weave it together into a melody. That’s what you’d been doing when Tommy came up - what you did most of the time that you were at Joel’s now - toying with things in a way that was melodic but not really a song, just whatever music you felt like making in the moment. 

“What brings you by?” Joel asked, opening the screen door. 

“Need to talk to the two of you, actually,” he said. “This saves me a stop. Want to come inside, Bambi?” 

Before you had a chance to reply, Joel spoke for you. 

“She doesn’t like bein’ inside,” he said, stepping outside and going to stand near you. You got up and perched on the porch railing near him, close enough that your knee brushed his side, still holding the guitar. “We can talk on the porch if it’s all the same to you.” 

“We’re workin’ Bambi into the patrol rotation,” he said. You nodded, frowning. This wasn’t a surprise. It had been more than a week since you’d finished your training. That didn’t warrant a visit from Tommy. “And we discussed it and we think it’s best if you two stick on patrol together instead of sending her out with someone new….” 

“I can handle myself,” you protested. You could feel Joel’s eyes on you. “I don’t need Joel to baby sit me, I can patrol with anyone…” 

“Never said you couldn’t,” Tommy said gently. “But we got another new person comin’ in and I’m gonna go out with him at first for a while. You two work well together, watch each other’s backs well. And… Well, Bambi, not to put too fine a point on it but… You’re not comfortable with most people. Seem comfortable enough with me n’Joel, no reason to make you uncomfortable in a situation that’s already dangerous enough.” 

You felt your face get hot as you looked at the ground, not able to face Tommy. You didn’t like that people made you uncomfortable and you tried to hide it. Apparently you didn’t do that good a job. 

“First patrol is in two days,” he said. “We’re gonna get Olivia to run the stables that day, it’ll just be a day long shift, no overnight. Sound good?” 

“I’m good with that,” Joel said. His eyes were still on you. 

“Works for me,” you said, looking up toward Tommy again. 

“Good,” he smiled a little and gave a single nod. “Then I’m gonna get home before my wife bites my head off.” 

He turned to go but turned around, a cocky smile on his face. 

“Hey Bambi?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Can you play Freebird?” 

You glared at him for a second, arranging the guitar on your lap again, planting a foot solidly against a spindle of the porch railing so you wouldn’t fall. 

“I’m just kid…” He began but you cut him off with the first notes of the solo from Freebird. 

You had to watch your fingers to play it and not think too hard about it, just let your hands and mind go. If you focused too hard, you’d fuck it up. But you played the whole damn thing, the whole four minutes and 24 seconds of it - a little faster because you always rushed it. You were a breathless when you were done and looked up at Tommy who was staring at you, open mouthed. 

“Don’t know why men always want to hear fuckin’ Freebird,” you rolled your eyes. “Allen Collins is great, don’t get me wrong, but I mean Joan Jett is right there. And no one ever asks for All Along the Watchtower which, Hendrix? I mean come on. Y’all are such simple fuckin’ creatures…” 

“Jesus, Bambi,” he said, almost reverently. “Where the hell’d you learn that?” 

“My bedroom when I was a teenager because I figured out men don’t take girls who play seriously unless we can play shit like that,” you replied. “Lemme know when your taste develops and you wanna hear some Heart.” 

“Well I’m gonna get outta here before I make an even bigger fool of myself,” Tommy smiled again, clapping Joel on the shoulder. “Good luck patrolling with that one.” 

“I’ll do better than you,” Joel called after him and you laughed a little, shaking your head, before going back to toying with the guitar. You only played for a minute though. Joel didn’t go back inside. Instead he just leaned against a post, watching you silently. You stopped playing. 

“Can I help you?” 

“Do you not want to patrol with me?” He asked. It wasn’t accusing or even hurt. His face was soft and open, his arms crossed loosely over his chest. 

You frowned. 

“Why d’you think that?” 

“Seemed like you didn’t want to be paired with me,” he shrugged. “It’s OK if you don’t, we…” 

“I do,” you said quickly. “I want to patrol with you.” 

He frowned a little, like he was doubting you. 

“I do,” you said again. 

Because you did. You’d found yourself wanting to do things with Joel - everything, really - since you’d started patrolling with him the first time. He made you more relaxed than anyone else did, even Ellie. You started standing outside the mess hall and waiting for him to get there before going inside to eat. He’d started beating you there and waiting for you instead. You liked when you heard the soft thud of him opening a window when you played guitar and he tried to listen without disturbing you. You liked that, when he got back from patrol and it was the end of the day, Joel would help you get the horses settled and walk with you to his place to play guitar. 

You’d been spending so much time with Joel, people had started to notice. Or, at least, Ellie had. 

“What the fuck, Bambi?” She demanded the morning after your last patrol with Joel. You winced, her voice loud, your head pounding after drinking too much at the Tipsy Bison the night before. 

“Good morning, Ellie,” you said, hauling a bucket of feed to the next stall. “I’m doing fine, thank you for asking…” 

“Oh fuck off,” she stomped up next to you, her eyes narrowed. “Are you fucking Joel?” 

“What?” You almost dropped the bucket into the stall. 

“You heard me.” 

“Yeah, volume isn’t the issue here, kid,” you set the bucket down next to your feet before you took a deep breath and crossed your arms over your chest. “What do you mean am I fucking Joel?” 

“I mean,” she snapped. “Everyone saw you fucking dancing with the guy last night. I know you’re over at his house all the time - I live out back in case you fucking forgot. Are you fucking him?” 

“Who is and isn’t between my legs is none of your damn business…” 

“It is if it’s Joel,” she cut you off. “I said he could use a friend, not…” 

“I’m not fucking anybody,” you said. “But if I were it wouldn’t be your business, regardless of who it was.” 

“Joel’s different.” 

“And you still won’t tell me what your issue with him is,” you said, picking up the bucket again. “Doesn’t seem fair that I should need to ask your permission to fuck the man if you won’t even tell me why I shouldn’t.” 

“So you do want to,” she said. 

“Ellie,” you sighed. “Want to tell me what your actual problem is? Because something tells me it doesn’t have shit to do with whether or not I’m sleeping with anyone.” 

She clenched her teeth for a moment and glared at you even harder before she sighed. 

“You were my friend first,” she said. “And if you start doing… that,” she gestured to your torso and you tried not to laugh. “You’re going to be his… whatever the fuck you’d be. Be friends with him, fine, whatever, but I really don’t want you to ditch me because I’m not speaking to him and you’re fucking him.” 

“Ellie,” you smiled a little. “First of all, I’m not anybody’s anything. That’s wouldn’t change even if I were fucking someone. Second of all, you really don’t need to worry about me fucking Joel or anybody else. Not only is it not your business but it’s not… I’m not… It just isn’t gonna happen, OK? So don’t get worked up over shit that isn’t happening and isn’t your concern.”

She relaxed a little but looked like she didn’t entirely believe you. 

“Need me to bring a horse out to the paddock for you to work on drawing?” You asked, brows raised.

“Maybe.” 

She didn’t look too happy about that fact. You smiled a little. 

“C’mon kid,” you said, going to get Shimmer. “We’ll get you all set up.” 

You were glad she hadn’t pushed you too hard about Joel or any of the rest of it. You didn’t want to tell her why fucking anyone felt totally out of the question. Or how you wished that weren’t the case because at least that would explain part of the strange draw you had to Joel, this growing longing to be close to him, one that was outweighing your fears. 

“Bambi,” Joel said gently. “It’s OK…” 

“Will you stop acting like you’re some leper I don’t want to see?” You looked at him, incredulous. “I just… I don’t want the fact that I’m… antisocial to make problems for people, alright? I want to patrol with you. You’re about the only fucking person I’d want to patrol with. But I can do it with other people. It’s my shit to deal with, not Tommy’s, not yours, not the people who figure out patrol rotations, mine. I’m tired of being a fucking burden all the goddamn time…” 

“You’re not a burden,” he said. You raised your eyebrows at him. “You’re not. Everyone’s got their shit now. It’s the end of the world, that’s how it goes. We work around it. You’re not a burden.” 

You nodded slowly, running your fingers over the fretboard of the guitar. 

“If you don’t want to patrol with me, I’d understand,” you said, forcing yourself to look at him. “You can…” 

“I want to patrol with you, Bambi,” he cut you off. “Meant what I said before. I like bein’ the one to look out for you.”

“OK,” you said, giving him a single, definitive nod. 

He smiled a little. 

“OK.” 

Joel walked you home that night after you went to the mess hall for dinner but asked to stop by his place first to grab something. He came out with something wrapped in paper tucked below his arm but didn’t say anything about it until you were at your front porch. Joel always came to your front door now, always waiting for you to get safely inside and turn off the light before going to his own house again. 

“This…” He held out the package, awkwardly cupping the back of his neck, not looking at you. “Thought you might like this.” 

You frowned and took it, untying the string around the paper. Inside was a long sleeved shirt, light weight and far too big for you. You looked at him for a second, confused. 

“Well, you said the thing you liked about the coat was the smell,” it was like he was trying to look at anything but you, too uncomfortable to meet your eyes. “And… well, it was my coat and I think that means it smelled like me which, you know… That makes sense, seein’ as I was the one who brought you here, you were passed out on me for a few hours and smell is supposedly tied to memory… anyway… It’s too hot for the coat now, you’re gonna get yourself hurt tryin’ to do everything you need to do in that heavy thing and that shirt is a lot cooler and I wore it for a while.” You looked down at it, running your thumbs over the fabric for a moment before bringing it to your nose and breathing deep. It smelled warm and safe. It smelled like Joel. You smiled a little. “Only wore it when I was clean and shit, wasn’t out doin’ anything crazy…” 

You looked up at him for a second before you slowly, cautiously pressed yourself against him. Joel froze for a second and you just stood there, your face in his chest, your arms clutched to your torso, the shirt still in your hands. You closed your eyes and breathed him in for moment, calming and centering yourself on him. He gently put his arms around you, holding you to him. You could hear his heartbeat, feel his breathing, absorb his warmth. He rested his chin on the top of your head. 

“Thank you,” you said softly. 

“Course,” he said quietly. “Wasn’t… Wasn’t weird?” 

“No,” you laughed a little into his chest. “At least, not to me.” 

When you went inside that night, you raced around to your back windows and watched what you could see of the street behind your house, the shirt held to your chest, following his darkened silhouette with your eyes as he walked home. 

You found yourself looking forward to patrolling with Joel. It would be nice to see him without other realities of life in the way. Just infected and the looming threat of raiders. That was easier to navigate than a pissed off teenager. But you were nervous, too. Less about the patrol itself - you’d done almost the exact same patrol with Joel and Tommy for weeks and almost nothing happened - and more about being alone with Joel for that long. 

It wasn’t safety you were worried about anymore - even though the knot in your stomach wasn’t about to let you into Joel’s house anytime too soon - but more the kind of company you were now. You hadn’t been alone like this with someone in so long. What if the person who made you feel the closest you came to OK didn’t want to spend time with you anymore after going out there with you? You wouldn’t blame him, you were barely functional in society as it was. But you didn’t want to lose him, either. 

You hardly slept the night before you left for your first patrol alone with Joel and when you did sleep, you dreamed. 

You were in a snow covered forest, the trees stretching out for miles in neat little rows, the ground white. You didn’t leave footprints and neither did the little girl beside you even though you could hear the crunch of snow under both your feet. There were shadows in the distance, shadows shaped like men but they were too far away to recognize. But you could feel that they were a threat, that they wanted to close in, that they wanted to rip and tear and take.

“I don’t want to do this.” 

The little girl looked up at you with wide, doe-like eyes, her hair clipped back from her face, a gun that was far too big for her in her small hands. 

“I know,” you said quietly. “But we have to.” 

“Why?” 

“Because,” you nodded to the shadows on the horizon. “There are things in this world that want to hurt you and you need to know how to hurt them first.” 

“But you’re here,” she said. She was so young, so small. You brushed her hair back. 

“You still need to know how,” you said. “I will do everything I can to protect you but I might fail. You need to know how to destroy them before they destroy you because they will. They will destroy every part of you they can touch if they have the chance. Don’t give them the chance.” 

Her small mouth formed a grim line but she lined up the shot anyway. 

“Does it hurt?” She asked, looking up at you. 

You reached down at cupped her cheek.

“Yes,” you said quietly. “Yes, it does.” 

You didn’t remember the dream when you woke up. You only felt the hollow ache of loss as you got ready to meet Joel at the stables. 

*** 

You were wearing the shirt. 

It was the first thing Joel noticed when he saw you at the stables, your forehead pressed to Renaissance’s own, your eyes closed. 

He cleared his throat and you jumped a bit, away from the horse, your body tense for a moment before you saw it was just him and you smiled a little. 

“Hey,” you said. 

“Hey.” 

You were wearing the shirt. His shirt. He hadn’t been wrong, he was the thing you liked about the coat. 

His heart beat a little faster.

Joel felt like he was in some kind of delicate dance with you. He had since the night at the Tipsy Bison, when you’d touched him without flinching away. Instead, you’d melted into him, all soft warmth and gentle breaths as you moved together. It was a wonder you didn’t ask him what the fuck his problem was, the way his heart was racing in his chest as your head rested against him as the two of you swayed on the dance floor. He’d been touching you, holding you, feeling you. 

It was somehow more than he’d expected it to be. 

Joel wasn’t stupid. He had feelings for you, there was no point in denying it. If he was at all honest with himself, even for a second, he’d had feelings for you from the day he met you. Even half dead, there was something in you that he was reaching for. It had just grown in the months he’d known you, watched you with the horses and with Ellie and even his nephew, William. Grown as he’d listened to you relearn the guitar, playing until he had to clean blood off the instrument before putting it away at night. Grown as he watched you grit your teeth and face deeply held fears, trying so hard to fold yourself back into humanity you were willing to tear yourself apart to do it. It had grown so much that, when you moved closer to him in the dim light, he was overwhelmed by it. Like everything else fell away and it was just you and him and the slow, haunting music. 

If you’d been any other woman, he would have taken your face in his hand and tilted your lips toward his own and kissed you that night and fuck, did he want to kiss you. He wanted to feel the soft give of your mouth against his, wanted to taste you, wanted to breathe the same air as you. 

But he couldn’t do that with you. You were so delicate in this way. He could trust you to claw a man’s face off but couldn’t trust what you might do if he were to touch you the way he so desperately wanted to. And nothing - not even feeling you the way he longed to - was worth the risk of hurting you. 

He went home that night and made himself come so hard in the shower he almost collapsed with it, thinking about nothing but the way your body felt cradled against his own as you moved with him on the dance floor. 

That night had tipped something in him over the edge. He had to fight to stay away from you, make a conscious effort to not seek you out at every opportunity. All he wanted was to be beside you and, when he wasn’t, he wanted to know that you were OK, wanted to know what you were doing, wanted to know what you feeling. He wanted to take care of you in whatever way he could and the shirt was something he could do for you. 

Joel just felt like a bit of a jackass doing it, though. 

“Fuckin’ idiot,” he’d muttered to himself as he put the shirt on after he was freshly showered and getting into bed one night. Because he felt like a fucking idiot, assuming that the smell you mentioned had fuck all to do with him. How self absorbed could he possibly be? 

But he wore the shirt, anyway. If he was right - if the smell you felt safe with was him - then he should help you. It was worth the risk of looking like a goddamn moron if there was even a chance that it could make your life a little easier. He slept in the shirt for a few nights before he wrapped it in paper. It glared at him from the top of his dresser for two days before he was sitting at the mess hall with you and you made some smart ass remark and he caught a glimpse of you, laughing, relaxed and happy. If he could do anything to make the world feel safer, make that version of you closer to the surface, he would. 

And you were wearing the shirt. 

“Ready to endure a day of patrol with just me?” You asked, smiling a little. 

“Better than a day with just Tommy,” he smiled back, going to saddle up his horse. 

The patrols all left at the same time and Joel took the lead with yours, following a trail that he’d come to know well through the years. It was the same patrol he’d been on with Tommy when he’d found you months before. 

He wasn’t going to mention that part. 

“Where’d you find your guitar?” You asked after the two of you had been riding for a while. 

“There’s a city, few hours ride away,” he said. “Found it there. Why?” 

“No reason,” you shrugged. “Just… wondered if I might be able to find one of my own. Figured you were probably tired of me comin’ around all the time.” 

“Not tired of it,” he smiled a little. “Come by as often as you want. I… I like it when you come by.” 

“Also thought it would be nice to play with you sometime,” you said, not looking at him, your voice strained. “Not sayin’ we should start a fuckin’ band or anything but… You’re good. I’d like to play with you.” 

He smiled wider. 

“I’d like that, too,” he said. 

The two of you were getting close to where Joel had first found you when you frowned, your eyes narrowed at a spot on the trail. Joel’s chest got tight. Did you remember more than either of you realized? Did you recognize something? 

“See that?” You asked, nodding at a branch low on the tree. 

Joel frowned. 

“No.” 

You rolled your eyes and guided your horse to it. You pointed out a splotch of mud on the branch as well as some on the side of the trunk at about knee height. 

“Someone climbed this tree,” you said, touching the mud spot on the branch. “It’s dry, been a few days at least but someone climbed this tree. There are people out here.” 

“Alright,” Joel nodded slowly. “Lead the way, let’s see what we can find.” 

You found a few other signs of people - all at least a few days old - as the two of you worked your way further off the usual path. There were some cabins marked on the map close by and Joel wasn’t particularly surprised when the trail led to them. 

You dismounted before he had a chance to say anything, your sidearm held low in your hands as you went up to the first door. Joel jumped off his horse before it fully stopped moving, barely reaching you before you threw the first door open. 

The one room cabin was empty, just some old sheets and towels on the floor, the air damp with mildew. 

“Bambi,” Joel said, voice low. “We should…” 

“Just gonna check,” you replied, looking through the room quickly, yanking up blankets to check below them for something. You made a frustrated sound. 

“What are we lookin’ for?” He asked, looking at the hearth in the corner of the cabin. The ash in it was cold, at least a few days old. 

“Any sign of there being women or girls here,” you said, lifting the mattress on the floor with your toe. “And any sign of where they might have gone.” 

Joel didn’t say anything. He just let you take the lead, knowing you were going to be disappointed. This was a raider camp. It wasn’t like they were going to have left a roadmap to where they were headed next, it wasn’t like there was going to be shit like hair brushes lying around to prove there were women with them. 

You went to the next cabin and found more of the same. The largest cabin had more beds but the same disarray. Finally, there was one cabin that you seemed to latch on to. 

At first it seemed like the others but you spotted something against the wall quickly. You went to it, kneeling slowly before you picked it up. It was a chain, bolted to the wall. Joel’s stomach turned as you ran your fingers over it to the cuff on the end. You pulled out your flashlight and shined it on the metal, delicately tracing the inside of it before you pulled your hand away. 

“It’s dried but there’s blood,” you said, straightening up and shining the light at the ground before you found a stain on the floorboards. You knelt again, running your fingers through the dirt and blood there, examining it. You sighed and hung your head. “Doesn’t matter, looks like they killed her anyway.” 

You turned off the flashlight and stuck it back in your bag before brushing past Joel and stalking outside. He followed. You’d stopped next to the fire pit, staring down into the pile of ash, the thumb of your right hand absently tracing the inside of your left wrist. 

“Bambi,” he said gently, but you cut him off. 

“How often do patrols come out this way?” You asked. “And do they ever make it this far?” 

“They come out on the route we’re on every other week,” he said. “But don’t make it all the way out here except every few months, just to check in.” 

You nodded slowly. 

“They were probably watching for people like us then,” you said. “If they knew the pattern, they took off days ago.” 

“I don’t think we can follow them, Sweetheart,” he said gently. 

You nodded. 

“I know,” you said softly. “Don’t think there’s a reason to right now, anyway.” 

“Bambi…” 

“Let’s go,” you said, not looking at him as you stalked over to Renaissance. 

“If you want…” 

“I just want to get the fuck away from here,” you snapped. “So can we please move on?” 

Your eyes met his for the first time since you’d found the cabins and the barbed wire was back but it was wrapped around so much pain it hurt to look at you. 

“Course,” he said. “Let’s get back.” 

The first few hours of the trip back were quiet until you slowed on the trail and waited for Joel to come alongside you. 

“Can you do me a favor and not say anything about that?” You asked. “At least, leave me out of it as much as you can? Folks here should protect themselves of course but…” 

“Not going to say anything,” he said, watching you. The barbed wire was gone now. Instead, it was just hurt, an aching, screaming pain behind your eyes. He wondered, for a moment, if that’s what he looked like in the time after he’d lost Sarah. If that’s what Tommy had looked at for weeks if not months. 

You nodded. 

“Thank you.” 

About an hour out from Jackson, Joel started humming. You glanced over at him when he did but he pretended not to notice. It was The Chain, the first song he’d ever heard you sing. He was trying to remember the pacing you used, trying to match it. When he finished it, he just started it up again.

“Listen to the wind blow…” Your voice was quiet, almost hesitant, but you sang it all the same. Joel kept humming. 

By the time the two of you were back to Jackson, you seemed a bit more like yourself. You leaned forward on Renaissance and scratched her neck, draping yourself over her mane. 

“Thanks for that,” you said, opening your eyes and looking at Joel, your cheek still pressed against the horse’s neck. “I needed it.” 

“Course,” he said. 

Joel was exhausted, the diversion to the cabins adding a few hours to an already long day, and he was ready to write a brief report about what the two of you saw on patrol and get a hot meal when the gates opened as they rode up to town. But Ellie came running out to meet you, her eyes wide and afraid. 

“Thank fuck you’re OK!” She looked back and forth between the two of you. Joel looked at you and you gave him a small shrug before you both dismounted. 

She threw herself at Joel first, her small body hitting him with so much force that it shocked him. He hesitantly put his arms around her and held her close, her arms tight around his neck. 

“I was so fucking scared,” she said, her voice wet. 

“What happened Baby Girl?” He frowned. Patrols ran a bit long all the time, it wouldn’t cause her to freak out, not like this. Not when she’d so much as glanced his way in months.

“Other patrols got attacked,” she pulled away from him before going to you, giving you a big but shorter hug. You gave her a squeeze back. 

“By what?” Joel asked. “Is everyone OK?” 

“Raiders,” she said, stepping back and looking between the two of you, a frantic look in her eyes. “The people all made it back alive. Looks like Jody might lose her arm but she got the worst of it…” 

“Fuck,” Joel swore, shaking his head. 

“Ellie,” you said. “Do me a favor, grab Joel’s horse and come with me back to the stables so Joel can go handle that?” 

“Yeah,” she nodded, squaring her jaw. “Yeah, I can do that.” 

You gave Joel a single nod and he watched the two of you head for the stables for a moment before he went to find Tommy. 

There wasn’t much he could do, however. The council was already meeting and Tommy filled him in on the worst of it as he nursed a knife wound on his leg. 

Half the patrols that had gone out that day had been overrun, one large group of raiders catching them at a crossover point on their routes. The raiders had either been extremely lucky or they’d been watching their patrols and knew where they’d be when. 

They’d managed to kill a few raiders and no humans from Jackson had died before fighting off the others. But a total of five horses had been lost in the attack, including Samson. 

“Shit,” Joel said, looking toward the stables, where he knew you would be. 

“I’ll let you know what else happens,” Tommy said gently, jerking his head toward the door. “Get outta here.” 

Joel looked at him for a moment before pulling him into a tight hug, clapping him on the back as he did. 

“Glad you’re OK,” Joel said, his voice thick. 

“You too, man,” Tommy said. “Go take care of your girl.” 

“She’s not…” 

“I said what I said,” Tommy cut him off. “Get your head outta your ass, man.” 

Joel just shook his head and took off for the stables, looking for you. 

He found you there, curled up on the floor, your arms wrapped tight around yourself, your knees against your chest. You were sobbing, your whole body shaking with it. The sight made Joel’s heart ache.

“Oh, Sweetheart,” Joel said quietly, approaching you slowly,. 

“G-g-go away,” you managed. “Don’t w-w-w-want your pity.” 

He ignored you, getting down on the floor next to you. 

“It OK if I touch you?” He asked softly. You nodded through a wracking sob. He lay down behind you and put an arm around you. He delicately, slowly, pulled you back against him, putting his other arm below your head so you weren’t just lying on the cold concrete. You pressed yourself back into him and he buried is face in your hair. “I’m so sorry…” 

“N-n-never lost this many at once,” you choked out. “And S-s-s-s-samson wouldn’t have been out at all if it wasn’t for me, it was my fault…” 

“Wasn’t your fault,” he kept his voice calm and even. “If it wasn’t him, it would have been another horse. Not your fault, Sweetheart. Promise you, it’s not.” 

“It’s probably dumb for m-me to be so upset about the horses,” you sounded like you could at least breathe now. “When there were p-p-people who…” 

“Not dumb,” Joel said gently. “The people will live and you worked with these horses every day. Course you’re upset, Sweetheart.” 

“What are we gonna do?” You asked, taking a shaky breath. “Jackson, without the horses, we need them to patrol, what…” 

“We’ll figure it out tomorrow,” he said quietly. “Right now, you just breathe. You had a long, awful day. You need to breathe.” 

Joel brought the hand that was below you to your forehead, brushing your hair back. Your head dropped back against him, your whole body pressed to his. He just held you like that, feeling your breathing calm and your sobs slow.

“Can I stay here?” You asked quietly. “Don’t wanna go home, just wanna be here…” 

“Course you can,” he said gently, his hand finding a gentle rhythm on your hair. “Want me to stay with you?” 

“Would you?” You asked, voice shaky again. “Because I… I just… Just want you to hold me…” 

“Course I’ll stay,” he said quietly, his hold on you tightening. “I’ll do whatever you want, Sweetheart. Whatever you want.” 

Next Chapter

A/N: GUYS

THEY LIKE... FULLY HUGGED AND CUDDLED IN THIS ONE.

This is probably the slowest burn slow burn I've done and I can tell because I get SO EXCITED when they like... barely touch lmfao. I hope you're enjoying it, too.

I'm still doing the tag list thing and I promise I will start up an updates blog soon. I just have not had the time this week! If you want to be added to the tag list and see what the Tumblr Gods will allow, comment below.

Thank you so much for being here and for spending your time with these characters! I so appreciate it, it makes sharing this story so worthwhile. Love you all so much!

Taglist: @ashleymsnodgrass@planet-marz1@kalea-bane @juneswonderlust@ilovepedro @h-annahayy @starstruckmusiciansartghost@beccerjune@mumma-moonchild@netonetoneto@mellymbee@purplelye@n7cje@flugazi@evyiione@randomhoex@aliengirl99@orcasoul@reds-ramblings@pedropascalsbbg @fupoola @tinypotatothing @knopes-waffles @lilmizmoz @ayamenimthiriel@jenispunk@panda-pascal@sarap-77@flugazi@your-slutty-gf@daniegraceg@partyofone3413@cumberpegg@noisynightmarepoetry.

[bapydemonprincess]

I’m 24 and I’ve been in this fandom since like 2010 . So not the entire time it’s been around but I was here for its main surge I feel like. And I won’t lie, when I was 10 and a majority of the fandom did ship sebaciel publicly and people made you feel weird for not shipping it, I definitely did engage with it. It was pushed on me as a 10 year old by a majority of the fandom, and I didn’t see anything wrong because I was younger than ciel/same age and I was like “yeah I think Sebastian is cute and I’m the same age as ciel so—“ BUT you know as I got older I’d say even by 14 I had the realization of how gross it was and how I didn’t actually ship it it was just that they were the two main characters in the fandom and that typically main characters are the ones who get shipped and that at that time in the fandom it was impossible to not be faced with ship stuff. And I was groomed by adults in the fandom on this very website. They knew my age and would send me smut and talk to me about myself and flirt and I honestly feel bad that I ever did engage with the ship. I didn’t know any better. But now as an adult when I do see sebaciel stuff I find myself questioning if they’re just young and if they’re going to grow out of it too and I wonder if maybe they’re also having it pushed on them by older fans like I was. I find it concerning because i know what it did to myself and what kind of situations I was put in because of it. I try to avoid the adult ones because unfortunately I think if they haven’t grown out of it and realized the implications of the ship and how it does affect real life I don’t know that they ever will. I hate that this fandom has such a bad label on it. Every person I mention it to is like— “oh the pedophile demon anime?” And it just sickens me. Idk this is kind of just a rant and I wanted to offer my thoughts as someone who has been in the fandom a long time and as someone who was in the fandom as a child even. I’m sorry if this is weird ask to send but I see you posting content about it sometimes and it made me feel safe to share my thoughts

Well I am not personally good at answering these types of asks but I am glad you felt safe to send this to me, specifically, and get it off your chest, it's all good!! 💖 And glad to know you came to realize how bad the ship was at one point, I'm always happy to see that happen once in a while in kuro, because there are so many folks around my age refusing to accept the truth and doubling down on proshipping, and also I notice very recently too trying to cause problems on purpose for antis in their spaces. 😒 It's getting hard out there since the new anime came out, and a lot of those types have attempted to return.. likely from twitter where they ran off to last time they were booted (some quite literally banned hmm I wonder why) from tumblr.

And the worst WORST part knowing proshippers around my age is knowing.. remembering.. the very beginnings of kuro, seeing the early fics on ao3 by those guys, who really started it all, knowing somewhere they're still out there.. some even maybe with kids of their own WHO KNOWS... Ugh.

And I hope new fans, no matter their age really, make sure to be careful esp on here in the main kuro tag, for these proshippers have been constantly- AND VERY BLATANTLY I MIGHT ADD -trying to advertise their blogs and discords as safe spaces for interacting... CLEARLY trying to start/continue the process of grooming that is so well known in fandoms like kuro at this point.

Overall just use block on tumblr recreationally, it's free real estate ✨, stay safe in general, and again don't be afraid whether on fellow anti blogs like mine send messages or if you feel more comfortable make posts of your own on your own blog expressing how you feel, getting it out of your system.

Hope my response was okay (I say because I'm at work at also health-wise a bit out of it so sorry grbhjfkugu) and hope you, anon are currently doing okay now!! Thank you again for sharing your personal experience!!

[skyward-floored]

Breath of the Wild - oneshot

Another oneshot cross-posted from ao3 :) I love botw so so much, it holds a special place in my heart as one of my favorite games (I played it daily for more then two years straight, I was obsessed), and this was my little way of capturing some of my love for it.

Ao3 link

————————————————————

“Link, where are we going? You can’t keep me in the dark forever,” Zelda’s voice asked, trusting, but likely tired of the fact that she hadn’t been able to see for the past almost-hour.

Link smiled at the huff in her voice, before remembering she couldn’t see it due to the fact that her eyes were closed. She’d been wearing a loose blindfold on the trip here, but he trusted her enough not to peek now that they were close. In fact...

He gave her arm a light tap, and pulled her to a stop, looking out at where he’d brought her.

“Well, why don’t you see for yourself?” he asked, feeling his smile grow, “we’re here.”

Zelda opened her eyes, blinking a little to adjust, then let out a surprised oh!

Link had brought her to the shores of Lanayru Bay, the two of them standing only a few paces from the water. Waves lapped at the shore, wind softly whistling through the rocks, and the sky was perfectly clear above their heads, stars dazzlingly bright. It was the picture of calm, and Zelda looked around at the small beach, watching a crab scuttle by, admiring the stars, turning backwards to watch the fireflies in the grass behind them.

Link watched her with a smile, for once not too concerned about their surroundings.

He’d snuck over early that morning to clear out any and all monsters that might’ve returned since the last time he’d been here, endless lizalfos scattering the hills and lurking in the water. And while he still sported several dark colored bruises from the lynel that had been around as well, it had been completely worth it to see the look now on Zelda’s face.

Her smiles were always much too few and far between.

Zelda slipped off her shoes and toed closer to the water, and Link followed her, watching the way the breeze blew her golden hair.

“It’s beautiful out here Link, but I must ask... why this spot?” she questioned, and Link hummed.

“Do you remember when we were talking about what you could see while you were holding back the Calamity?” he asked quietly, and Zelda nodded, face falling just a little at the reminder of Ganon. “You... mentioned this was one of the places you wanted to visit sometime.” Link scratched his neck a little self-consciously as he spoke, but Zelda nodded, and he continued. “And when we were in Hateno, Purah told me the stars would be special tonight. I thought since we were already in Kakariko, it was a good time to come out here.”

“Oh the Loft meteor shower, I’d forgotten!” Zelda gasped, excitement shining in her eyes. “I suppose we’re right around it’s peak, aren’t we?”

Link tilted his head in a confused way at her, and Zelda smiled, wide and bright.

“A meteor shower Link, that’s what Purah meant. Oh this is wonderful, we’ll get a great view of it out here!”

Zelda hopped back out of the water, grabbing her shoes but not putting them on as she walked up into the grass and towards the hills.

“Come on, let’s find a good spot to watch!”

Link blinked, then quickly followed after her with a chuckle, jogging a little to catch up with her strides. Zelda soon found a spot she was happy with, and settled down onto the grass, eyes sparkling as a few streaks of light began to flicker across the sky.

Link settled in next to her, and they watched the stars in contented silence for a while, Zelda making a quiet noise of excitement whenever a particularly bright one streaked by.

As fascinating as the sky was, Link soon found his gaze slipping from the view above him to the girl he sat next to, her green eyes bright with starlight as she watched the meteors fall. She was sitting almost against him, their legs only a few inches apart, and the urge to close the distance and put an arm around her shoulders suddenly hit him like a guardian laser.

...Could he? Was he allowed to do that? Things were certainly different after a hundred years, but could he just do that?

Would she mind?

Mouth suddenly dry as he made up his mind, he swallowed, then inched closer to her, cautiously extending an arm. His fingers had almost touched her shoulder when Zelda suddenly let out a loud gasp, and he jumped at the noise.

Link grabbed at his sword in preparation for trouble, cheeks a bit pink, but he soon realized there was no threat. Zelda was still staring up at the sky, astonishment on her face as an extra-bright streak of light flew by, and Link perked up at the familiar sight. It streaked toward a nearby hillside, and Zelda continued to stare at where it had flown.

“Link, that looked like it hit the ground, I didn’t know— is that a light? Did it really land?” she gasped, and Link grinned at her and extended his hand.

“Why don’t you come see?”

She took it with an excited smile, and they trekked across the hillside, fireflies drifting out of their way. It didn’t take them long to reach the glowing site where the star fragment had landed, and Link kneeled down and picked up the perfectly formed crystal.

Zelda kneeled next to him and watched him hold it out to her, another small oh! escaping her lips at the sight of the glowing stone in his hands. The warm light from the crystal made her eyes sparkle as she looked down at it, her hair lighting up into liquid gold when she leaned closer, and Link found himself staring at her again as the gentle glow almost seemed to increase in proximity to her.

“Link, what is it?” she asked in fascination, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“A star fragment,” he said quietly, offering it out to her with a smile.

Zelda took it with an almost reverent hold, settling back onto her knees and admiring the crystal as she cradled it in her hands. Link felt a tingle go up his fingertips when he handed it over, his hands brushing Zelda’s, and felt warmth run up his arm at the point of contact.

“It’s beautiful,” she whispered, running a hand along one of its grooves. “Where do they come from?”

“I’m not completely sure,” he admitted, leaning back and looking up at the stars. “Somewhere in the sky I guess. There is a story that says they’re made of pure gratitude to Hylia...”

“A bit hard to prove I think,” Zelda hummed, gently turning it in her arms. “I’ll have to ask Purah, perhaps we could run some tests on it. Or perhaps Impa would know, she tends to be knowledgeable about things of this sort—”

Link couldn’t help but smile as Zelda slipped into her theorizing voice, excitedly studying and wondering what the smooth crystal in her hands could be.

Her words, soft but growing louder as she grew more excited, were music to his ears, her accented tones a soothing lilt in the breeze. The sound of it always calmed him, and he loved hearing her speak, even when she raised her voice in annoyance or anger, to a point.

It was the first thing he remembered, the thing that had woken him, guided him all throughout his journey, that had warned him of blood moons and directed his steps. The one scrap of familiarity he’d clung to in a strange world.

He truly could listen to her voice forever.

“Link?”

He met Zelda’s eyes, bright in the glow from the crystal, and tilted his head to indicate he was listening.

“Thank you for showing me this,” she said, voice full of gratitude. A soft look overtook her face as she glanced up at the sky again, and she smiled. “This is wonderful. I... I really needed this, I realize. I’ve barely had a moment to breathe since the Calamity, and everything lately has just been...”

Her voice fell, the smile slipping from her lips.

“It’s been truly... overwhelming,” she whispered, as if afraid to speak louder. “I’m realizing just how much we lost in the past century, and fixing it seems impossible. Not to mention being sealed in the castle for a hundred years...”

She sighed, and Link felt something ache in his chest at the exhaustion in it.

“It’s just left me so... disconnected from everything,” she whispered. “Sometimes I forget what it’s like, being a person and not just a force of light to hold back the darkness. To not have to focus and constantly resist, and feel as if one slip up would doom the world. Doing it for so long, even now that I’m out, sometimes I forget and I feel like I’m still... still in there. With him.”

A shudder ran through her, and Link ignored the old instinct that refused to bridge the gap between princess and knight, and slid closer to her, gently resting a hand on her arm.

Zelda swallowed, and held the crystal in her hands a little tighter.

“I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this,” she whispered, and Link hated how miserable it sounded. “I’m sorry.”

“Zelda, I don’t mind, don’t— don’t apologize,” he said, quick to reassure her. He hesitated, then fully put his arm around her, keeping the hold loose so she could pull away if she wanted.

She didn’t though, and they both relaxed a bit, Link slipping closer.

“I like listening to you Zelda,” he continued, the glow of the crystal dancing between them. “Truly. Even if it’s just your worries. I just... wish I could do more to help you.”

“You help plenty Link,” Zelda replied, looking a bit better. “You brought me out here didn’t you? You knew I’d love seeing the stars tonight, and showed me the bay as well. And don’t think I didn’t notice the distinct lack of monsters around, you’ve done so much for me Link, not just tonight, and I truly appreciate it.”

Her smile returned, though it wasn’t quite as brilliant as before.

“Being out here, and seeing for myself that the fight was worth it, that through our efforts we preserved this,” she said with a wide gesture to the landscape and sky, “it helps remind me of what we’re working towards, and why Hyrule is worth not giving up on.”

She ran a hand along the crystal again, the light shimmering off her face as she looked up at the stars.

“And I can’t thank you enough for that,” Zelda said softly, meeting his eye.

Link’s mouth suddenly felt too dry to respond, but he managed a nod and a smile, and Zelda returned it as she leaned into his hold a bit more. Her head came to rest on his shoulder, and they both looked back up at the stars falling across the sky, leaving streaks like crystal rain in their wakes.

And with them, the star fragment in Zelda’s arms seemed to shine just a bit brighter.

[xxsksxxx]

Liberating the Mirage

Summary:

When an assignment goes horribly wrong, Mulder has to race against time to find Scully.

But sometimes the line between reality and illusion blurs—and it turns out there’s more than one locked door that needs to be opened.

Notes:

This is my little contribution to Fictober, a yearly event that celebrates writing and reading—and fall. All of which are good things in my world.

Since there’s no way I can come up with a new story every day, I’ve decided to write one fic that includes all prompts from the Fictober 2023 prompt list. They’re all in bold if you want to seek them out specifically. You can find the list here: Fictober 2023

This story is complete, but to keep in the spirit of Fictober, I’m posting one chapter a day.

I hope you’ll have as much fun reading this fic as I had writing it.

AO3 | Start at the Beginning | @today-in-fic and @xffictober2023

Chapter 6: Unexpected Influences

US Steel Corp., Washington D.C. Basement

Mulder stretched out his legs on the cold concrete floor and pressed his back against the cold wall. Scully had fallen asleep shortly after John had left them alone again. He’d checked up on her several times in the last two hours, but she seemed to be fine, and he’d opted to not wake her up until she’d slept off all the drugs in her system.

He’d been alone with his thoughts ever since, and his mind had been trying to come up with a way to get them out of there. They needed a plan. And fast.

Scully stirred on the mattress and started to mumble in her sleep, and Mulder turned his head to watch her. She was shivering and Mulder wished he had something to cover her with. Suddenly, her eyes flew open, and she stared straight at him with wide eyes. “Mulder?” she asked.

Mulder nodded, waiting to see if she still thought he was a hallucination. She watched him for a moment and slowly sat up against the wall, wincing as if in pain. “Well, there’s no way for me to find evidence of whether you’re real or a figment of my imagination,” she said earnestly while rubbing her temples. “All the questions I could ask you, I’d know the answers to myself, so I could be making them up. I suppose I’ll just have to trust that it’s you.”

Mulder chuckled affectionately. Leave it to his partner to be rational even while drugged. He reached over and grabbed her hand. “Feels pretty real to me,” he said and squeezed.

Scully looked down at their joined hands and then up at his face, narrowing her eyes. “Well, it certainly feels like the realest hallucination I ever had,” she said.

If they weren’t trapped, this would actually be pretty funny, Mulder thought. He reached across her legs and took her other hand in his as well, putting them both on his face. “Feel for yourself then, Dr. Scully.”

Scully stroked her thumb over his cheek, down his nose, and over his lips, her eyes following her fingers. She raised her hands to his hair and brushed through it, letting the strands glide through her fingers.

Mulder chuckled again. “What is it with you touching my hair, Scully? Did they teach that in medical school? Though only my current doctor seems to follow this procedure,” he joked.

Scully’s eyes flew up to his and she blushed furiously. She pulled her hands back immediately and turned away. “Well, it seems to be you,” she said, pretending to be checking her sleeve. “I guess I have no choice but to believe you,” she murmured.

“I guess you have no other choice,” Mulder nodded with a smile. “Especially considering that we’re still trapped,” he said.

Scully looked over to him, then to the door, and furrowed her brow. “What happened? I only remember bits and pieces. Do you know a way out of here?”

Mulder sighed. “Our wonderful host must have had a handcuff key to free himself. I didn’t think to check the desk to which I handcuffed him. Stupid, I know. All I was thinking about was finding you. Either way, he wants me to give him a list of people that are working for the FBI.”

Scully thought back to the handcuffs she’d been restrained with and sighed. “You didn’t tell him any names, did you?” she questioned.

Mulder got up and inspected the little basement window, trying to find a way out of their prison. Just like the last ten times he’d checked, there was none. He sighed and turned back around. “Of course not. But he’s not going to keep us here forever. We need to find a way to lure him into a trap and overpower him.”

“Mulder, are you suggesting that we just attack him? We can’t do this on our own,” Scully said doubtfully, giving him a look. “We’re unarmed and there’s nowhere to hide in here.

“Well, we got to try something! We can’t just give up,” Mulder said determinedly, walking around the room again, trying to find an escape.

Scully watched him wordlessly with a resigned look on her face.

*****

“I visited your mother before coming here,” Mulder said, bumping his shoulder into hers. They were sitting next to each other on the old mattress, their backs against the wall. Mulder had finally given up on checking out the room for possible exits.

Scully turned her head and looked at him. “You did? Why?”

“I wanted to see whether someone had tried to contact her. Maybe tried to get some information from her,” he said, pulling on a piece of lint on his jeans with his thumb and index finger. “She knows that I was looking for you and that she should contact me immediately if she heard anything.”

Scully didn’t say anything, contemplating his words in silence. Her mother would be frantic with worry now, she thought. She just hoped she’d get the chance to explain everything to her. “Does Skinner know that you’re here?”

Mulder snorted. “He’d never have let me go.”

Scully nodded, not surprised. “What did you do, Mulder? Did he suspend you?”

Mulder studied his boots. “No, we came to an… agreement. He’d use official channels to find you, and I would… pursue my own investigation.”

Scully studied his profile. “Mulder…”

Mulder sighed. “To be honest, I lost it a bit while we were discussing how to proceed. Well, we lost it. Skinner wasn’t any less worried about you.” He turned his face towards her, giving her an earnest look.

She shied away from his gaze, uncomfortable with the admission, and absentmindedly took her cross between her fingers, twisting the chain. “What are we going to do,” she asked quietly.

“I think our best bet is to give him those names.”

Scully jerked her head around and Mulder held up his hand. “Not the real names, of course. But maybe we can get him excited enough that he’ll be so focused on the list that I can overpower him.”

Scully gave him a worried look. “That doesn’t sound like much of a plan.”

Mulder nodded. “I know. But it’s the best I can come up with.” He grabbed the writing pad from the floor next to him and started to scribble names on it while Scully watched.

With a sigh, he put the list down after he had finished and leaned his head back against the wall. “Now all we can do is wait,” he said tonelessly.

“Just in case this doesn’t work…” Scully started and Mulder turned his head towards her, “I’m sorry I missed him coming out of the building. We wouldn’t be here if I had paid more attention and hadn’t only watched the front door. I should’ve seen him coming from the back.”

Mulder shook his head and lightly touched her arm. “Scully, it wasn’t your fault. We thought we had all the exits covered. None of us thought he’d be so bold and head towards the exit we were coming in through.”

Scully lowered her head, staring at her shoes on the mattress. “He completely surprised me, Mulder. That shouldn’t have happened. I was supposed to watch for him.”

Mulder turned his shoulders fully and put his fingers under her chin, lifting her head, so she had no choice but to look up at him. “Scully look at me,” Mulder said. “For the last time, this wasn’t your fault. He tricked us all. Skinner, the other agents—me included—thought he’d run to the front door. I even ran there myself to look for him when you didn’t report in.”

Scully’s eyes darted across his face, trying to see if he was telling the truth.

Mulder smiled at her, his thumb stroking her cheek. “You’re the smartest person I know, Scully,” he whispered softly. “You did the best you could.”

He moved his hand up and tenderly brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “You know, if this plan doesn’t work, I may not get another chance to say this,” he repeated her word from earlier, his eyes darting down to her lips and then back to her eyes.

Scully’s eyes widened. She didn’t wait for him to finish his sentence and closed the distance, kissing him softly.

Mulder froze when he felt her lips brush against his. Just as she started to retreat, most likely getting self-conscious at his inaction, did he lean in and kiss her back. He could feel her smile against his lips, and she started to relax again.

The kiss ended as softly as it had started, and Mulder leaned his forehead against Scully’s. “We’re going to get out of here, Scully,” he murmured, softly stroking her neck with his thumbs.

She sighed but didn’t open her eyes, her face slightly flushed. “I hope you’re right, Mulder. I hope you’re right.”

***

Thank you so much for reading. You can also find this fic on AO3.

[mangobone]

Twenty questions

So I’ve been tag by the magnificent @cupofteaandstars and even though it’s been like a month since she did, I had much fun thinking about the answers so here I’m sharing them:

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

9 under my current pseudonym!

2. Whats your total AO3 word count?

Just 21,512. Which is very little for 9 fics in a four year effort but I’m proud of it 😌

3. What fandom do you write for?

Now just for Stranger. I’m really tempted to post for Life and something small for Divorce Attorney Shin though.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

- Into the treeline - Stranger 비밀의숲

-Steady heartbeat - Stranger 비밀의숲

-A deer can jump in front of you anytime - Stranger 비밀의숲

- A whole new face - The Avengers

- The Little Prosecutor -Stranger 비밀의숲

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Always dude. Always. If you take the time to write a comment, I’ll take the time to reply.

I understand why some don’t. But I get too happy not to engage 🫶🏼

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending ?

That’s a good question because I love angst and I think it must be either whatever I used to write for Avengers (that Tony Stark can’t be written without some angst) and Longing, though with the last line the angst is lighter.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I suspect it might be The Little Prosecutor.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Haven’t. Hope it remains like that!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I tried once. Longing was suppose to take that direction but decided against it, half because I chicken out and half because I fear the OOC situation.

10. Do you write crossovers?

Not usually, no. I admire people who do on a regular basis though!

11. Whats the craziest one you’ve written?

One I haven’t posted, a Stranger story with basic elements from Kafka’s Metamorphosis. I’m quite stuck with that one I’m afraid.

12. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I hope not! I guess that’s another good thing about being in small fandoms!

13. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I’ve translated my own fics, does that count?

14. Whats your all time favorite ship?

Right now it’s Hwang Shi Mok/Han Yeo Jin.

15. Whats a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I only have one WIP published and I’m just hoping to finish that one 👉🏼👈🏼

16. What are your writing strenghts ?

This is the hardest questions of all; I guess Im good at imagining scenarios and I try to get technical details right.

17. What are your writing weaknesses ?

Complete lack of planning which results in slow and short fics and chapters. And sometimes the balance between dialogue and description is elusive.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I’d try to avoid it as much as possible though it’s true that some things are near to impossible to fully translate.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Can’t remember exactly but perhaps for The Justice League. I read fics long before but it was years before I’d get enough courage to write AND publish anything.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Funny enough, it’s the least liked fic El Clavo - Stranger 비밀의숲 for which I hope to write another chapter of before translating it to English. That and a fic about a dark Hwang Shi Mok which I won’t post until I finish but again that might take years!

Tagging: well I think practically all my mutuals have been tagged already but if you haven’t, please consider yourself tagged!

[meduseld]

Twenty Questions For Fic Writers!

Tagged by the lovely @samuelroukin. Answers under the cut,

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

241! Which is wild.

2. What's your total ao3 word count?

629,313. So more than half a mill

3. What fandoms do you write for?

A bunch? Rn working on a The Terror fic, and probably more WOT stuff but DC is always in my head and the one I've written the most for.

4. Top five fics by kudos:

I’d Learn To Float 

You're Looking At Me (Like You Don't Know Who I Am) 

Water Is Sweet, Blood Is Thicker 

Tough To Talk To 

Down On Both Knees 

5. Do you respond to comments?

I always try to! In fact I've ended up expanding on works in the comments because we get into wonderful conversations. The connection is a blast. I even love getting comments that say "extra kudos" and I send them little hearts.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably Like The Stars Miss The Sun In The Morning Skies since the only others that sort of end on an angsty note, Concentration Slip Away  and A Beautiful Lie (both of which are BatLantern with implications Hal is dealing with the aftermath of HalSin like in the actual angsty one) have room for there being a way to work it out. Something about Hal, I guess.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Oh, def I’d Learn To Float which probably adds to how popular it is.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Yeah, and never on the ones I would have expected. The ones that stick out are when I got a weirdo on my early NickXZiggy stuff and a really crappy comment on a fic recently that just revealed the person did not read a single tag or warning so I was more annoyed than anything because that was 100% on them. Those are the minority though, people tend to be really great! It's just funny that when I write ships I know are ~problematic I'm semi-braced for it and nothing happens but then they show up in the ones I would have thought no one would find objectionable.

9. Do you write smut?

Yes, but somehow that's when most of the character work seems to happen! I am that person that goes I'm just gonna write them going at it, no plot just sex, and end up with 5K of them being in their feelings before anybody gets naked.

10. Craziest crossover:

This is gonna be especially funny with the fact that Ben tagged me, hey @samuelroukin you want some Star Wars x Turn? It's here: What Binds The Galaxy

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge but there was that one guy that stole a ton of DC big bang works to put on Kindle Unlimited so there's a non-zero chance one of mine got got before they had him taken down.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, because I am a control freak so I have said no <3 (it's a character failing, I know)

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes and I had a blast but it never moved past the Discord collab phase for a few reasons. Maybe one day though!

14. All time favorite ship?

Hard call but honestly. HalSin is that bitch for me, the all -timer, has it all: enemies to lovers, lovers to enemies, mentor-mentee, brothers in arms, the-only-one-that-gets-me, opposites attract, xenophilia.... Also probs relevant that it was among the first to give me the tingles as a tween reading comics so.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Ugh there are some bangers in my icebox, there's a reason I don't post WIPs. But recently I was reminded of an excellent BirdFlash one I have that's just. Stuck. And an epic Superbat at a Boarding School of Horrors that I can't get my ass into gear about without the Big Bang to push me.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Character work I think, getting why they tick and getting it across. I'm a decent had at plot too! Did some casefic/mysteries and watched people get got in real time in the comments.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Getting to the damn point instead of wandering off into the weeds with 86 commas. It has had its moments but sometimes I need to get back to the action and maintain momentum. I wish I was better at smut too, I think I'm okay but then I read something someone else wrote and go HOW.

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

This is a context needed answer. I think it really depends on what you're trying to do/the source. If your character does in fact routinely swear in another language in canon just pop it in there, or if they do that or if it's a setting where there are a lot of languages in play. Then there's the whole whether it is clear from context to readers who signed up to read 1 language or if you need to clarify. And finally: are you trying to conceal information? Because if you are you can pop it in as a bonus for readers who do speak it, or just have your bad guy be like "he turned and said a few words in Russian to his assistant, who snapped to attention" or conversely, if you aren't, you can say "He turned and switched to Russian, which their hosts did not speak. 'When it's morning, we will...'" It really depends what you're trying to accomplish with the other language and what you want your reader to know (or not know!)

19. First fandom you wrote in?

...............Fullmetal Alchemist anime and I buried the bodies, you'll never find them. Never.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Oof that's a hard call, they're all so different. But for today I'm gonna go with You're The Only Girl (I've Got On My List) because of the sheer size and juggling elements going on and how well it turned out in re: my plans for it at the start.

Tagging, if you dig it, @warrenkoles @hearthouses @poeedamerons and @starkfish

[midwestclover]

I’ve got an older tumblr, but made this a seperate one and I seen @callivich post so I decided to answer the questions and find more open-minded people! Expand my horizons more, guess you could say!

Name: Howdy! Names Nova :)

Age: Twenty-seven.

What made you fall in love with Gallavich?: They are both able to relate to one another when it comes to having a big family, with dysfunctional tendencies yet that is also something where the pair are extremely different because one family shows far more agression, while the other still shows compassion and love. I loved the idea of the big bad macho dude softening for Ian as time goes on, even despite the fact he wanted to ‘teach a lesson.’ The two of them bring out the worst parts of eachother, mean while are capable of as well bringing out the good even if the other cannot see themselves as such. Their continuous meetups, and fall outs make me think about the whole ‘their souls are bound to another laced by a golden thread.’ Because in the end? They always come crawling back to one another. Also! I love the idea of Mickey showing hate towards the world in the beginning, softens for Ian but through character development Mickey grows. Something wholesome about them together, growing, evolving and changing for better.

How long have you been a fan?: I would say around 2015 I got into Shameless? So, I’d say since then!

Favourite Gallavich moments/scene?: Oh goodness, there are numerous that are rent free in my delulu thoughts. One of them would have to be when Fiona makes the connections of Ian possibly being Bipolar and needing to go into a Psych, but Mickey wants to take care of him. I can only imagine how straining that may have been on the two of them, yet Mickey went ahead and did it anyways. Another scene would have to be Mickey’s coming out. God, there’s just so many to count! I don’t know why, but them parting ways when Mickey crosses the border. There’s just something so special about their kiss and it makes me weak in the best way possible. But their wedding? Never seizes to make me ugly cry!

Favourite Shameless character apart from Ian and Mickey?: Lip, Kevin and Veronica for sure!

Do you write or draw or make edits?: I have been a writer for twelve years, but haven’t been able to make any fanfics for ao3, yet. But my works will likely be posted here, once I get more inspiration. I do also make moodboards, and random edits sometimes! Depends on the mood. But I am a sucker for aesthetics so. I also do roleplay, so there’s that as well.

Favourite type of Gallavich fics?: Still figuring this one out, once I know I’ll be sure to give my input!

Favourite Gallavich quotes?: ���Ian, what you and I have makes me free.’ - ‘you’re under my skin man, fuck can I do?’ Both by Mickey. ‘Hit my husband again and I’ll fucking kill you’ this one PHEW, because Ian is saying that to Lip—HIS BEST FRIEND AND BROTHER! ‘You are so much better than that.’ Because goddamn. Dare I say more?

[powerofmettatonneo]

Hi, i’ve been looking at your post, talking about it, and sharing it with some friends. Honestly i’d even say i’m a fan of you and your work despite how little of it there is right now. I have a couple question.

First, I was wondering if you had any other accounts that I could follow your work on, like twitter and such.

Second, I saw that you took classes in etholgy and talked about advocating for the personhood of animals. I mean, I know they’re smarter than we sometimes give them credit for. Take for example the recent study with scientist communicating with whales with their own language for the first time. But I was hoping to get your insight in what you mean by personhood of animals and thoughts on the topic. (And also table napkin thought on how anthropomorphizing can harm or help our understanding of animals)

Third but a little more obscure, is that you use humanity, personhood, and the being of « more human » a lot. I was hoping if you could expand on the differences of these terms and how they interact with one another.

Sorry for all the questions, just honest to god fascinated with your perspective of things and the topic in general.

Here’s the whale communication study I mentioned: https://globalnews.ca/news/10182116/humpback-whale-conversation-talking-to-aliens/amp/

Oh my gosh thank you so much for your kind words! This, AO3, and YouTube are actually my only accounts online that I post anything on, and I just use my YT account to reupload other people's deleted videos. I used to use Reddit but I'm trying to distance myself from that account since half a decade of hot take type comments starting when I was 15 isn't exactly the best look for anyone.

Your last two questions are linked so I'm going to address them at once. Human is simply the term used to refer to a member of the genus Homo. There's nothing all that special about it philosophically when separated from personhood, which is more or less the description of what beings do and don't fully matter morally. Speculative fiction and philosophy tend to equate it with sapience, which is more or less a meaningless term made up to separate humans (or worse, specific groups of humans) from other animals and make ourselves feel superior. There have been attempts to give it meaning, but nearly every definition uses traits that are found in at least one other species of animal and/or are not universal to every group of humans (with the notable exception of artistry but I frankly find it absurd to discount something's moral worth over that). As such, if we're going to approach the topic logically, then some animals at the very least have traits of personhood.

Language, for example, isn't exactly common in animals, but it isn't unheard of either. Bats, cetaceans (whales and dolphins), pinnipeds (seals and sea lions), elephants, songbirds (a group that contains crows btw), hummingbirds, and of course parrots all learn different "words" that they apply meaning to and then use. Cetaceans, parrots, and some songbirds even use something akin to grammar.

Ritual behavior has been shown in chimpanzees, dolphins, and elephants as they grieve for their dead.

Self-awareness, the trait most commonly held up as making humans special, is hard to measure due to the language barrier, but there is still some evidence for it in certain animals. The mirror test isn't perfect when it comes to discounting a given animal's self-awareness, but if an animal can identify itself in a mirror, it's hard to argue with the idea that it has a sense of self. Animals that passed include various dolphins, great apes, elephants, magpies, and even certain fish. Furthermore, an African grey parrot named Alex once asked a question about himself, being the first recorded instance of an animal asking anything, and bottlenose dolphins use names for themselves and others in their pod.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. I don't really have a definitive list of animals that I believe should be considered "people", especially given all the legal implications of that sentiment, but you've probably noticed that same groups of animals showed up again and again. Dolphins were there in all of the different categories, and elephants only failed the grammar category because they largely communicate using vibrations which work so differently from regular sound that they're hard to meaningfully compare to human languages. Parrots, corvids (crows and relatives), and great apes all have stand out members that showed up in two or three of the categories in the African grey, magpie, and chimpanzee respectively, and the other members of those families as well as whales are all intelligent and social enough that I am of the opinion that they all deserve certain philosophical rights and even legal protections. It's so easy for us to see personhood as a black and white thing that something either has or doesn't have, but like most things, it really is more of a spectrum.

To answer your "table napkin thought", while I won't deny that anthropomorphizing real animals can often lead to a lack of true understanding of them, the harm done by people trying to avoid doing so is both more common and so, so much more horrific that I hesitate to critique it too much. I mean, I have straight up seen very influential people say that acknowledging the extremely well supported fact that other animals are capable of feeling pain is "anthropomorphizing" them because one specific area of the brain that is partially responsible for processing pain in humans is only present in primates, and that of course can, and historically has, lead to horrific abuse.

I really don't mind all the questions! I love talking about things I'm passionate about, and this topic is certainly up there among the the things I care most about.

[theredcapeofk]

20 Questions

Thank you @silv3reyedstranger  for tagging me! Sorry for the delay, I needed to finish my Halloween fic first

How many works do you have on AO3?

22 with 4 still ongoing. This also includes 9 artworks (aside from the 6 in my illustrated fic)

2. What’s you total AO3 count?

177,544 words. Wow! I didn’t expect this much. Cool 🙂

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Supercorp

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

My Eyes are up Here

Change my Direction

Gifts (My first posted Supergirl fic <3 )

It’s a Super Life

The Five Senses of Affection (I plan to update this one soon ;) )

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes. Always. Sometimes it’s hard to not spoil the rest of the fic when I answer questions, but I love it when you guys ask questions. I respond to comments because I like to exchange thoughts with people who comment, or simply thank people who took the time to write something.

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

@silv3reyedstranger I don’t like to copy but your answer is exactly what I think, so I’m mostly gonna keep what you said.

I'm really not the biggest fan of angsty endings (because it makes me sad), so I don't write them. I'd much prefer piling on the angst throughout and giving them a happy ending. There's too much sadness and grief in the world already, I feel like everyone should get a happy ending.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I don’t know, they all end well, but since I need to choose one I'd say Don’t Leave Me because of what happens in the fic

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I did, on Change my Direction a few chapters ago (which is basically a year and a half ago.). People(who had never commented before on this fic) had a lot to say about how I handled a specific chapter.

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Yes I do (I think most of my stuff is rated E on Ao3 lol). I’d say mostly fluff. And…what would you call Kara and Lena have been longing for each other for years and finally decide to…? 

I wrote more kinky stuff I haven’t posted yet. There’s angry sex in a fic I’m working on

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I did. Harry Potter and Charmed, City Hunter and Cat’s eyes (1980s and early 1990s mangas by the same author). I used to draw crossovers a lot which was a lot easier than trying to figure out how some characters could meet. I don’t think any of my written crossovers were too far-fetched, but my art on the other hand…I had the Golden trio from Harry Potter meet Naruto characters, and Outfit exchanges(with Naruto and other mangas) a few times in my art.

“Recently” I had Kate Kane and her step-sister visit Kara and Lena in Suddenly I’m in too deep. And I will write crossovers again with other characters from the Arrowverse

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I hope not.

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

No one’s ever asked, so not that I know of. I’ve tried translating my own fics once upon a time, but what a hassle lol. Although that was back when I was writing in French so translating to English was harder (and my English was not what it is today), maybe it would be easier to translate my current fics in French, but I don’t really see the point lol

13. have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Yes 2 with @lenaralanvers. One is Let’s let go of our Broken Hearts (she did the actual writing but we took decisions together) and the second we haven’t posted yet.

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

My OTP? I don’t know. I’ve loved all my ships with passion, still do. I think RonMione, Linzin, Korrasami and of course Supercorp will always hold a very special place in my heart.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I hope I’ll be able to finish all of my Supercorp ones in any shape or form. Sometimes I just write down a short idea and it turns into a multi chapter fic. Or sometimes I write something I think could be huge, but it turns out to be a few paragraphs and it’s just as finished as the fics I post online. 

16. What are your writing strengths?

I’m not good at knowing what I’m good at lol. I think I’m good with fluff scenes and how people react with their senses (sight, touch etc)

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Descriptions. Which is all the more frustrating because I usually get a very precise picture in my head but I can rarely show it with words.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I don’t write entire dialogues in another language, just a few foreign sentences or words here and there. I like to keep it organic for the reader and this method is easier when it comes to including translation

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter. I was desperately waiting for Book 5, and after theorizing for a while about serious plot points, one day I sat down to write goofy interviews given by the Golden trio to the Daily Prophet. The funny thing is, fanfiction came naturally to me, and I’m not sure I even knew the name of what I was writing then.

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

Oh that’s a tough one, because favorites tend to change. I can list a few that I love in chronological order (each one of these marked a milestone of some kind in my writing journey): 

Il était une fois à Shinjuku (the City Hunter and Cat’s eye crossover), 

A post Book 1 Korrasami and Borra fic (that I never posted anywhere so I never bothered to properly name it XD), 

My eyes are up Here 

The Five Senses of Affection 

and Don’t Leave me

tagging a couple of people if ya’ll wanna take part! @spaceman-earthgirl @lenaralanvers @chaotic-super @inkedroplets @guessimreallyhere

[electricbluebutterflies]

Chris/Melissa + being intimidated by the strength of their own feelings

Usual post-6B sandbox, PG-ish, also on ao3.

Oh not again.

Melissa is well aware of her track record with relationships and her taste in men, which is to say that in the grand scheme of things the whole ex-husband incident is more notable for how long it took her to get out than any of the behavioral issues she spent close to ten years trying to ignore and everything since that, well…

At least she never makes the same mistake twice. At least however this one ends badly will be a fun new adventure until-

At least this time the red flags are more subtle than usual.

Melissa has a type, at this point in her forties, and Melissa knew damn well this was going to happen from about the moment she laid eyes on that man three years ago, she’d just… thought it would be an affair, at that point, and something that would make things complicated for everyone in her life, and not-

Let’s just say supernatural coparenting was not the expected turn of events. She’s still dealing with that life development, and the whole developing emotions about someone who’s along for the ride with her due to what she assumes is primarily a lot of guilt thing…

Her instinct is to avoid entirely, and she tries, and she fails.

It’s one of those midwinter midweek evenings, about a year after this started happening, about a year after it felt normal to have someone in her age bracket and not desperately needing her attention around on a regular basis and she’s not really sure how that clicked so quickly, and… they could stay like this forever, she thinks, pretend those few kisses never happened or blame that on adrenaline or something, and she could keep a crush to herself, and-

“What are you not telling me?”

Or she could forget that she has a potential partner who’s decent at reading body language and this isn’t going to be as easy as she wants. Dammit.

Melissa is still tempted to avoid completely, but… she can’t, not now, not with Chris looking at her like he’s wondering who he needs to kill or at least threaten to maim to make her life easier and he would and-

“We need to talk.”

She knows that phrase never goes anywhere good when a woman says it – they both know it, apparently, given he’s now looking at her like he isn’t sure whether he needs to protect her or himself – and she knows it’s a bad move here and she’s out of good ones and-

“Then talk.”

“I don’t… what are we doing? You and me, this awkward-“

“If I did something wrong-“

It’s like dealing with a mirror version of herself, she thinks sometimes, except a different and more visible flavor of fucked-up and-

“If you did something, I’d say. I’m not scared of you.”

“Still-“

“I actually like you. And you’re a way better idea than I’ve had in a long time and that’s not saying much and it’s still enough that I have spent the past year fighting the desire to lead you upstairs and the more I get to know you the more I want and-“

“And you haven’t because…?”

“If I mess this up, there will be even more consequences than usual and I can’t-“

“What if we don’t?”

She’s quiet for a moment, braced against the kitchen counter, not sure how to respond, not sure-

That’s what she always wonders, isn’t it? And then things go badly anyways, and-

What if this one doesn’t go wrong? What a temptation. What a dream.

“You can’t promise me that,” she says almost too quietly.

“I can at least try. Version I heard, that’s more than-“

“I would prefer not to know what the boys told you about my past… I’m assuming they left out exactly how much they-“

“I’ve been on the receiving end of two vivid and completely different shovel speeches in the last few months, and somehow the human one was more-“

“I would prefer not to know,” Melissa repeats. “Plausible deniability.”

“We don’t have to do any of this, but if you want to…”

“Is it what you want?”

“I’m not sure I’ve ever been asked that question.”

“First time for everything?”

Chris answers by clearing the distance between them and kissing her forehead. “Clear enough for you?”

Not at all, but… they’ll figure it out. Eventually.

[levi-da]

Teaching Professor Braun

Pairing: Levi Ackerman/Reiner Braun, Eren Yeager/Mikasa Ackerman (for like 3 lines)

Tags: Domming From The Bottom, Bottom!Levi, Top!Reiner, Teacher!AU, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Drunk Sex, Office Sex

Summary: Prof. Ackerman and Prof. Braun have an ongoing rivalry between the English and math departments of Shiganshina High. A night out with some other professors leads them to relieving some tension together.

Word Count: 3.2k

A/N: Here's my first post! I hope you enjoy :)) This took me WAY longer than it should have.

Read on AO3

The bell rings as laptops and textbooks are shoved into bags.

“This class sucks, man. Why’s Professor Ackerman always up our asses?”

“I dunno, dude. Professor Braun never makes us do anything like this.”

The class clears out as the day ends, leaving Levi alone in the room. He’s halfway through grading the students’ most recent essay when a knock sounds out against the door.

“What the hell are you doing to these kids to make them so miserable? You got a stick up your ass or something?”

Levi rolled his eyes and looked up from the paper he was grading. He let out a sigh before he asked, “Making them use their brains. You should try it sometime.”

Reiner clenches his jaw. “Whatever, just remember that Hanji is forcing everyone to go out for drinks tonight. I know you’d much rather read a dictionary, but they’ll kill you if you don’t show up tonight.”

“What’s so special about tonight?”

“They won’t say. Just make sure you’re there at nine.”

Levi waves his hand towards the door dismissively. “Fine, just get out of my classroom and stop distracting me.”

Reiner quietly leaves the room, though Levi’s eyes follow him every step of the way. How that man got anything done, he could never guess. Levi shakes his head, clearing his thoughts before returning back to his work.

---

The music of the club rattles through Levi’s skull. Already annoyed with the circumstances, he looks for his gaggle of idiots. Scanning the room, he finds most of them grouped together at a table.

“Look who finally decided to show up! Fashionably late, too, might I add.” Hanji slurs, slipping her arm around his neck. He wasn’t the biggest fan of contact, but trying to stop Hanji from touching would require more energy than it’s worth.

“I made it,” Levi says, a smirk sneaking up on his face. He slips onto the chair next to Hanji.

“Wow, you actually made it,” Connie says from across the table. “Never thought I’d actually see you here.”

“Even Levi has to destress once in a while,” Jean exclaims, pouring Levi a shot. Feeling the migraine already kicking in, Levi takes the shot, feeling the burn the whole way down. He immediately starts coughing.

“Can’t even take a shot, huh?” Reiner snorts, walking over to the table with Armin, more drinks in their hands.

Armin hands a glass of whiskey to Levi. He takes the glass gingerly before leaning against the table and glaring sharply at Reiner.

Reiner rolls his eyes, putting down the rest of the drinks. “This is why the kids hate being in your class. You’re such a dick.”

“Where’s Eren and Mikasa?” Sasha asks, interrupting Reiner.

Armin sighs, sitting down next to Jean, “Who knows at this point, I don’t question it anymore.” Hanji giggles, stumbling off the stool to get another drink.

“They’re probably fucking in the bathroom or something,” Annie says, downing her fourth drink of the night.

“Are you sure that’s a smart choice, Leonhart? Don’t you have midterms to finish grading this weekend?” Levi lets out against the rim of his glass.

“Fuck off,” Annie says, then lays her head flat on the tabletop.

Apparently, Levi can’t catch a break since he feels someone looming over him. With a sigh, Levi spins around on his stool. He looks up at the person towering over him.

“What is it now?” Levi asks.

Reiner slots himself in the gap between Levi’s legs. “Are you just going to sit around all night? Get up and dance.”

“I’m here. Shouldn’t that satisfy you?”

“You’re not here to be a lameass. Let’s go.” Reiner grabs Levi’s wrist, dragging him to the dance floor.

Where had this man gained the balls to act towards Levi like that? Though, Reiner may have a point. He should just enjoy himself for once. He could do with letting loose a bit. Just a bit.

The grip of Reiner’s fingers around Levi’s wrist pulls him from his thoughts as they move throughout the club. As they arrive upon the dance floor, Reiner tightened his grip on Levi.

“Stay close to me, yeah?”

Levi’s body presses close to Reiner as they work their way through the crowd of people. Once they settle on a spot in the middle, Reiner pulls Levi close and releases his wrist.

A random bump from behind has the two pressed together, chest to chest. The lack of space between the two causes Levi to feel Reiner’s body heat across every inch of his skin. Reiner’s skin felt like a fucking furnace, practically burning Levi with each point of contact. Reiner’s hands graze over Levi’s hips and he wonders how it would feel if they actually made contact; if Reiner actually held on to him… The music consumes them, and they dance, as if they don’t pick a fight with one another every time they interact.

Eren and Mikasa emerge from the depths of the crowd, drinks in hand. They each hand off a drink to Levi and Reiner, then venture off, likely to do some dancing of their own. Not a word was said, just a knowing look in the couple’s gaze.

The pair knock back their drinks and leave the glasses on a nearby surface. Not wanting to stop dancing, Levi drags Reiner back to the dance floor.

“Look at you. Who knew you could be so outgoing?” Reiner whisper-screams over the music.

“Don’t push your luck. I just decided to do something different for once.”

A hint of mischief in his eyes, Reiner pushes, “Your perfect decisions finally starting to bore you?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Levi says, as he pulls Reiner closer, by the same wrist that had grabbed on to him. Reiner stumbles a half step, caught off guard from the sudden pull. His hands reach for something to support his slip up and it’s Levi. He grabs Levi’s hips for balance, tipping them back.

They still, breathing against each other's lips.

“Shit. Sorry.” Reiner goes to release Levi, but smaller hands are grabbing his and holding them down before he even gets the chance to pull away.

“Don’t apologize.”

Frozen in the moment, Reiner’s eyes glance down at Levi. Their eyes lock and, in that moment, it’s just them. Levi’s shoulders relax, his eyes softening as he gazes back up at Reiner.

That’s all Reiner needs to decide they’ve spent enough time in this club. Maybe it’s the drinks making the decision, but that’s an issue for a later time. He just wants Levi now. His fingers slip around Levi’s wrist as Reiner pulls him through the crowd again. Shouts from the others follow them but are ignored entirely once they’re out the club.

Outside, Reiner pulls out his phone and calls a cab. He slips his phone away and looks back towards Levi.

Levi, who looks devastatingly handsome in his loose button down and fitted slacks. Levi, who’s staring at him like he wants to devour him. And Reiner can’t get enough.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Reiner hand cups Levi’s cheek, pulling him closer, closer, closer. Levi pulls him in just as much, his back hits the brick of the building as Reiner closes in on Levi.

Their breaths overlap, mix, and then lips graze one another.

“Just fucking kiss me already.” Levi’s hands are tugging his hair at the nape of his neck. Then their lips are finally pressing against one another.

They kiss and kiss and kiss, nipping each other’s lips in retaliation.

Just when Reiner’s hands start drifting under Levi’s shirt, a honk interrupts the pair. They part, resituate themselves, then crawl together into the back seat of the car.

“Whose place are we going to?” Reiner mumbles, lips against Levi’s jaw.

“Mine, I don’t trust that yours is clean enough for me,” Levi lets out, voice breathy as his eyes roll shut.

Unable to argue with that logic, Reiner gives the driver directions to Levi’s place. The drive being 20 minutes long is apparently too long for them, as the pair are unable to keep their hands off each other. The cab driver must be sneaking looks through the rearview mirror since there’s a blush spread lightly across her cheeks.

Levi’s hands can’t stop touching. From Reiner’s knee, to his inner thigh, it’s all just Levi. Reiner is breathing slowly through his nose, trying to will himself some control, but once Levi starts brushing his fingertips over his zipper, his restraint all but vanishes.

Reiner rips the last two buttons on Levi’s shirt open as the cab slows to a stop outside Levi’s apartment. Levi hastily shoves a bunch of bills into the driver's hand with a quick thank you, pulling Reiner’s hand.

They make it all the way to the elevator before clinging to one another again. They could’ve only been a few inches from each other, but it takes everything in Reiner to not reach out to Levi.

Blood rushing in his ears and trying not to pant, Reiner sneaks a look at Levi pressed against the wall beside him. Levi’s already looking up at him, pinning him down just with his stare.

How the fuck did he end up here? Nothing could have prepared him for sleeping with Levi of all people. Not that he was going to complain.

The elevator dings, letting them know they’re that much closer to what they’ve been chasing.

Levi slides out as soon as the doors open, leading the way down the hall. He stops right in front of a door, fumbling with the key.

Reiner presses right up against him, “Need help with that?”

Levi stills, feeling the heat of Reiner fully pressed behind him. The hardness pressed against his ass only spurs him to unlock the door faster, get that dick inside him faster.

As soon as the door opens, it slams shut against his back. Reiner slides his hands under Levi’s thighs, grip tight as he lifts him up. Without a thought, Levi locks his legs around Reiner’s waist.

Reiner’s lips trail down his neck. Faint marks litter the column of Levi’s throat. Levi fists Reiner’s hair and pulls his lips close. Their lips crash against one another. Levi’s hands travel everywhere, tugging Reiner’s shirt off and throwing it on the floor. 

Levi kisses Reiner like his air has been stolen and the only way to breathe is to steal it back.

Clearly Levi wants Reiner’s dick in him yesterday, lacking any regard for cleanliness at this point if he’s chucking shirts. Reiner shoves Levi’s shirt off his shoulders, buttons already gone.

He thumbs over Levi’s nipples.

Levi moans into the kiss. “Can you fucking be any slower?”

Reiner huffs a laugh and shoves his pants just past his ass, pulling Levi’s slacks off entirely. Levi’s boxers are gone too, leaving a trail of clothing across the room.

“Do you have any lube?”

Levi tilts his head. “In my office.”

Reiner just carries Levi, hands squeezing his ass as he walks into the office. He plops Levi on the desk, scouring the drawers for the bottle.

“Check the bottom drawer.”

Fingers wrap around the bottle and he slams the drawer shut. Instantly, he’s back on Levi. He kneels between his legs, kissing and marking up Levi’s inner thighs.

Levi, in all of his short glory, already looks properly fucked out spread on his desk. Face and chest flushed, slightly dazed eyes, and a heavy stare.

“Just fucking look at you.”

Levi rolls his eyes. “Hurry up already. How many times do I have to repeat myself?”

With a hand on each knee, Reiner forces Levi’s legs open. He slicks a finger with lube and traces around Levi’s hole. A moan rips itself from Levi’s throat as Reiner slips his finger down to the second knuckle. He sneaks a second one beside the first, curling once inside.

Levi lets out a broken moan at that. “Fuck.”

Reiner kisses his way back up Levi’s body, stretching out his hole.

“Any fucking day now. Seriously, just fucking put it in me already. I can take it.” Levi hooks his foot around Reiner’s shoulder, urging him closer.

“I’m just trying to find the stick that’s up here.”

“Very funny.”

Reiner slides his fingers out, “Yeah, I’m fucking hilarious.”

Whatever Levi planned to say gets cut off by Reiner pressing his tip to the rim. Levi’s legs slide down to wrap around his waist. Broken moans fall from Levi’s lips as Reiner slides in fully, pelvis to pelvis. Maybe it’s the booze talking, but Levi looks practically holy. His hair splayed out, head tilted back and moans filling the room. Offhandedly, he hopes the neighbors won’t wake up.

Hands tug on his hair, pulling him from his thoughts and pressing his lips down to meet with Levi’s. Reiner grips his hips, thumbs digging into hip bones. They move together, timing their thrusts with one another. Their pace picks up as they get closer to their release.

“Fuck, I’m close,” Reiner breathes out between their barely pressed lips. He wraps his fingers around Levi’s cock, bringing him closer to the edge.

Reiner wants Levi to finish first, so he whispers out, “Come on baby, cum for me.”

That’s all Levi needs before the tension snaps and he’s spilling into Reiner’s hand. He’s not too far behind either because with a few more thrusts, Reiner is filling up Levi.

Their breaths are loud in comparison to the sudden silence of the room. A few minutes pass with them in silence before Reiner slowly slides out and leaves the room.

When he comes back, it’s with a damp washcloth. His pants are buttoned again and he’s slightly less rumpled. He gently wipes the cum and some sweat off Levi’s boneless body. Reiner scoops him up and carries him to bed, crawling under the covers and pulling him closer as the two fall asleep.

---

Levi wakes up to sunlight peering through the window directly in his eyes. Details of the night before slowly start to piece together as rustling was heard from beside him.

“Morning Sunshine,” Reiner says, his voice rough from sleep. He smirks at Levi.

“Shut the fuck up.”

Reiner lets out a snicker as he slides up behind Levi, hooking an arm around his waist. His heat spread out along Levi’s backside, settling a chill he didn’t realize was there. 

“Not a morning person?”

“Not at,” he glanced over at the clock, “6:30 A.M.”

Reiner’s hand slides over his stomach, pausing in the middle. “You could go back to sleep.”

“What, and leave you to mess around my apartment alone? Absolutely not.”

Despite not wanting to wake up, Levi made no effort to get out of bed. In actuality, Levi was hiding deeper under the covers. He pushed back against Reiner, seeking out his warmth.

Reiner’s breath is hot against his neck as they slot together. Levi can feel Reiner’s hardness pressing against his bare ass.

“You‘ve got to be kidding me. The sun is barely out and you’re hard already?”

A nip at the back of his neck is all he gets as a response.

“Is this how you always are? So desperate to fuck a hole, disregarding the world around you?”

The lips trailing across his neck still as Reiner takes in what exactly Levi just said. He lets out a huff.

“I shouldn’t be so surprised you could be so bossy in bed. You were so pretty last night under me that I didn't even think about you on top.”

Levi rolls his eyes at that. He pushes his hips back, drawing a hiss from Reiner.

“Lay on your back. I’m getting back at you for the bruises.”

Not waiting for Reiner to move, Levi shoves him onto his back. Reiner is left stunned, earning him a lapful of Levi. He grips Levi’s thighs.

Levi leans over Reiner, going for the bedside table to grab lube. He pours some lube over his fingers and starts to open himself. Muffled moans slip out as Levi tips forward, catching himself on Reiner’s chest.

“Fuck, you look so perfect like this.”

“Shut up.”

His thighs tighten around Reiner’s hips as he lowers himself down, Reiner’s thickness filling his hole. Levi fully plants himself on Reiner’s cock, feeling the veins against his walls.

“Is this what you wanted? Just to fuck a hole?” Levi lifts himself from Reiner’s lap, just to drop himself back down. The pair let out a moan at this. The tip of Reiner’s cock barely brushes over Levi’s prostate, leaving him seeing stars. 

Reiner’s grip tightens on Levi’s hips as he thrusts up. “Maybe it is. Doesn’t seem to be an issue.”

His hands are shoved off Levi and pinned above his head faster than he can register. Levi slips his hips back down, leaving Reiner feeling too close too quickly. With Reiner’s hands trapped above his head, there’s not much stopping Levi from taking what he wants from him.

“If you keep going like this, I’m gonna–”

“I’m not finished with you.” Levi’s lips are harsh against his throat, giving him matching dark marks.

With his lack of control, Reiner thrusts up as best as he can, matching Levi grinding down in his lap. His nails dug into Reiner’s wrist as he slams down for the last time, cumming between them. Levi loosening his grip is the opening Reiner needs to grab Levi’s hips and snap them together swiftly. Within a few thrusts, Reiner’s finishing inside.

Levi collapses on his chest. Reiner pauses to catch his breath as Levi begins to still against his chest.

“Fucking bastard,” Reiner mumbles, wrapping his arms around Levi, joining him in his slumber.

---

Levi wakes up with the feeling of sweat and cum stuck to his skin. Feeling disgusted with himself, he slowly goes to sit up, ready to shower. Just as he’s about to crawl out of the blankets, his phone rings.

“Hello?”

“Hiya, Levi. How’s your morning been?” Hanji’s cheery voice rings out from his speaker.

He flinches at the volume. “Fine until you called me. What do you need so early in the morning?”

“It’s already eleven, it’s not that early. Besides, I had to make sure you got home safe, considering you left so soon without telling anyone.”

A beat passes. “Okay?”

“You know, the whole reason I wanted us to go out is because I thought you needed to get laid. You’ve been extra grumpy lately. What I didn’t expect was you going home with Reiner of all people, but honestly I should’ve seen that coming.”

Reiner lets out a snicker behind him.

“Shit happens I guess.”

“Well, considering Eren and Mikasa have been dating for years without Administration finding out, you guys would probably be fine as long as it doesn’t affect your work.” The smile in their voice is evident.

Levi glances over at Reiner. “It’s not going to be a recurring event. We don’t need to worry about all that.”

“If you say so. I’m gonna go now, have fun! But not too much fun.”

With a click, the call ends and it’s just Reiner and Levi in the silence of the bedroom.

Reiner gaze locks on the comforter. “Did you mean that?”

A flash of confusion spreads across Levi’s face. “I mean, we were drunk. I figured this was going to be the end of it.”

“We weren’t drunk earlier.”

A moment of consideration sits between them before Reiner speaks again. “It doesn’t have to be just this one time.”

Levi feels Reiner’s eyes finally look up at him. “No, I guess it doesn’t. But don’t expect much from me.”

The two finally look at one another.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

[orangepanic]

Thanks for the tag @nyamadermont! A belated sort of year in review whose questions I thought were interesting.

1. Number of stories posted to Ao3: 46 added or updated in 2022

2. Word count in 2022: 508,999

3. Fandoms I wrote for: Avatar: The Legend of Korra and Avatar: The Last Airbender

4. Pairings: Iroh II/Asami Sato (25) and a smattering of other pairings in dribs and drabs like Mako/Korra (3) and Jet/Ty Lee (2)

5. Stories with the most:

Kudos: Severance, the Irosami ghost story

Bookmarks: Smoke, the Equalist Asami Irosami story

Comment threads:  Also Smoke, followed by Severance

Word count: Same as above. So clearly it was a year of two long fics. I’m thrilled people gave them a chance.

6. Work I’m most proud of (and why): I think it might be The Return, a Korra/Asami/Iroh II story. The premise is that Iroh and Asami marry and start a family sometime before book four, but he’s killed when he ignores Raiko’s order to surrender to Kuvira. Asami eventually gets together with Korra to raise the kids, only to have Iroh return from a secret POW camp years later. I’m proud of the story because I hardly ever write poly and had to really think through what that dynamic would be like between the three of them, the kids who didn’t know Iroh, and how they’d all react as the family changed. It wound up being much more about Korra and Iroh’s relationship than I expected. I got some very nice comments from people who don’t typically like Iroh/Asami as a ship, too.

7.   Work I’m least proud of (and why): All the ones I haven’t finished yet!

8.   Share or describe a favorite review you received: I love and treasure every single comment I get, but I’d like to leave a special shout out for @myargalargan and @devildogdemon for leaving long comments on every chapter of some of my multi chapter fics. It’s so amazing that they spend time and effort on that and I’m glowing.

9.   A time when writing was really, really hard: Isn’t it always? But the end of Smoke is killing me. This fic is going on three years and I know what needs to happen and it’s really hard not to mess it up. 

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you: Hiroshi and Yasuko Sato in How I Always Loved You are an absolute fucking delight and also such a surprise. Hiroshi Sato in canon is a kind of one-dimensional asshole who serves the purpose of being a villain (heck, I’ve written him like this myself) and Yasuko is just a photograph we see once who is usually assumed to be a carbon copy of her daughter, Asami. Getting such strong personalities for both of them has been so much fun, especially when it turned out both they and their ship dynamic was so different from Irosami. 

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing: I wrote a sequel to an Irosami vampire AU I’d written the year before. There are lots of parts of it that I like, but really liked seeing Iroh balance the human and more animalistic vampire urges. I did a ton of research for this fic because I decided vampires are like leopards with territories and stuff.

“I found it,” Iroh said lamely. He let the ball drop to the ground in quiet submission. He didn’t want Asami to take it away. His scent might be everywhere, but this was technically still her territory. Everything in it belonged to her. That was another thing Iroh had noticed. Concepts that before he’d only attributed to animals, like “prey” and “territory,” now seemed perfectly natural. 

He saw Asami stiffen slightly at the tone of his voice. She looked suddenly wary. 

“You can have it,” she said slowly. “I haven’t seen that ball since I was a kid. It’s probably been out here twenty years.” A slight pause. “Do you play?”

Iroh let his body relax; a signal to her that he wasn’t a threat. “Not since the Academy,” he said. “And that was mostly a bunch of us blowing off steam. Not a lot of kemari on ships. It’s too easy to lose it overboard.”

He saw Asami mimic his posture as she studied him from across the flat grassy area where he’d been playing. A de-escalation of sorts. Good. Not that Iroh had intended to challenge her. In truth, he wasn’t sure what he’d intended. It was only a ball. He was a guest here. Republic City was Asami’s to hunt… wasn’t it? And never mind that he was larger and fit and, an embarrassingly sexist thought, male. None of that mattered. Or it shouldn’t. Spirits, what was wrong with him?

“Do you?” he asked. The words seemed to have more weight than they ought. 

12. How did you grow as a writer this year: This (Avatar) fandom can be really hard on people in a lot of ways, and one of those ways is with a certain ideological purity that seems to pervade a lot of it and which is meant to dictate who can write what, and what can be written. This year I wrote a character with a physical disability (Tis the Sea Sun for Love) and I did a lot of research for what was a rather lighthearted holiday fic. I think a year ago I’d have been too scared someone would come screaming at me that I wasn’t allowed. 

13. How do you hope to grow next year: I find ending multi-chapter fics difficult. I feel like a lot of them go on too long and kind of fizzle out. So I’d like to work on my endings.

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc): my discord server is a pretty awesome group of internet humans, I must say. Love u absolute cracky gorgeous degenerates.

15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year: I’m sadly susceptible to dares. The Only Thing I Ever wanted was bet you can’t write a soulmark AU, The Spares was bet you can’t make Korroh work, Big Fish was bet you won’t really write mermaid smut, Do You Have a Better Idea was bet you can’t make Iroh/Asami/Kuvira smut, etc. I’m very much like this in real life, too. 

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers: Your characters are people! Do what you can to get to know them as individuals and their unique dynamics in relationships. Think about their quirky likes and dislikes and weave those in. Know what they’re afraid of and what they want more than anything but tell no one. Imagine what they’d pick out at a store, or how they’d behave at a party, or what they’d be like in a group at a board game. You may never use the content, but it will help you find their voice and distinguish them from everyone else. There should (in my opinion) be very few plots that work the same for multiple ships. 

17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: I have a couple of big fics that I really want to start, but I have to finish some big fics first. If I can do that, the two I’m most interested in are one about the Equalist trials and another about 20-30 years post canon as the question of whether Raava can still reincarnate comes into question.

18. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read:

And anyone else who wants to!

[wander-wren]

steps onto my soapbox

i am going to be so meticulous in my sideblogs. just so you all know. and my guide for flfverse when i get that off the ground (it’s in the works! yay!). why?

let’s talk about fandom history and archives and the internet and art, friends

when i was first getting into the baby beginnings of writing free falling/flfverse, which is my first attempt at a bdsm au, i was already familiar with the trope from honestly too many years of fanfic given my age. but i went to the fanlore page and….it barely resembled the trope i’d been reading, and hadn’t seen major updates since it was created in 2011.

at first, i thought some of the info was just straight-up wrong, so naturally i went on a deep dive to figure it all out. i’m still picking at threads on that, the hyperfixation ran out so it’s slower going now, but the fanlore page has been updated with some more of the info i found since i started the project, if you’re curious.

but it is/was an absolute goddamn nightmare to look through. the trope is generally agreed to have begun in 2006, when one fic (Stargate Atlantis fic, General and Doctor Sheppard by Xanthe) created it and then people started copying that fic etc etc. but ofc this was still in a time of purges on ffn and livejournal, ao3 was in the works but wouldn’t be online for real for a couple more years, and fandom was also spread across other individual websites run by creators. which makes it really hard to track things.

i’m currently working on closing the gap between the early 2010s (when the trope started appearing on ao3) and 2006-7 (when it was initially gaining popularity) and let me tell you, very few people bother to note where they got ideas from, or if they made things up themselves. i can see the shapes of certain trends but can’t pin them down yet. it’s fascinating and frustrating because i don’t know, ever, if i’m just not looking in the right place or if some info is just lost forever to purges and the like.

but it’s not like it matters, right? i mean, who actually cares about mapping the origins and spread of a kinky fanfic trope. no great loss of culture if it all vanished tomorrow, right. it’s not like, in the grand scheme of things, my projects mean a lot to the world.

maybe, hear me out, all art is important and valuable. maybe i find this interesting and that’s enough reason to look into it. maybe the trope is just an excuse to write a lot of smut; maybe, sometimes, it’s something else. i could go on about that angle but i won’t, not in this post. i’m not an 18+ blog. but sometimes, yall, the sex is a metaphor. or something.

i work on fanlore in my spare time for a reason. i’m looking to volunteer at ao3 as soon as i can for a reason. fandom history is really more fucking important to me than it has any right to be and i wish i could articulate why but i can’t do any better than this:

if i don’t care, who will?

a big chunk of the world already dismisses fandom, or at least fan labor, as fast as it can. i’ve dedicated countless hours of my life to this and i would drop my life plans in a heartbeat and dedicate everything to it if i could make a living but it’s fan stuff so i can’t.

what i can do is make my little guides and my blogs and keep separate archives for myself and document everything as meticulously as possible so 17 years from now when some small internet sleuth comes looking for answers to a question no one else thought to ask yet they will at least have that much.

maybe that’s dramatic. i don’t know. i tend that way. i don’t mind much.

(side note: talking about my little quest for knowledge isn’t really me asking for help with it. for one, i’m very protective of it; it’s my job to do, i got here first. for two, no offense, hypothetical internet person, but i can almost guarantee i know more than you. every time i’ve cast a line out so far on the off chance i get useful info i only get things i already know or things that are straight-up wrong. if you want to try to contribute anyway, knock yourself out.)

[bearholdingashark]

2022 Fic Roundup

(I wasn’t tagged for this, I just wanted to, so if anyone who wants to do it is looking for a reason to do it, I say go for it :D) 

Total 2022 Word Count: 416,082 (This is adjusted from what ao3 tells me and doesn’t include other author contributions on the round robin fic I contributed to, or chapters of WIPs that were posted before 2022)

Total 2022 Hits: 230,492

Other 2022 AO3 Stats

Kudos: 19,925

Comment Threads: 1,713

Bookmarks: 3,514

Subscriptions: 2,828

Links & Titles to 2022 Works: 136 fics under the cut (along with other questions) (Some of these fics were started prior to 2022, but I posted to them in 2022, so they’re going on the list)

One Look At You (My Whole Life Falls In Line) (Shadow and Bone)

Warm And Real And Bright (Shadow and Bone)

Our Dreams Assured (And We All Will Sleep Well) (Shadow and Bone) 

We Could Fall In Love (And I Could Be Your Sweetie) (Shadow and Bone)

Do I Wanna Know? (If This Feelin’ Flows Both Ways) (Shadow and Bone)

Anywhere But Here (Without You) (Shadow and Bone)

Need A Little Sweetness In My Life (Shadow and Bone)

All I’ve Thought About Is You (Since You’ve Been Gone) (Shadow and Bone)

Share Your Light (Teach Me To See) (Shadow and Bone)

Everything You Say Is A Sweet Revelation (Shadow and Bone)

There’s A Song In My Heart (I Feel Like I Belong) (Shadow and Bone)

I Need You To Know (That You Are My Heart Forever) (Shadow and Bone)

You’re The Only One Who Really Knew Me At All (Shadow and Bone)

You Take Me In Your Arms (And There's Sunlight All Around Me) (Shadow and Bone)

I Wish I Could Show You How Much You’ve Grown (Original Work)

I Could Have Danced All Night (Shadow and Bone)

You Are Not Alone (I've Been Here The Whole Time) (Shadow and Bone)

I Know It Hurts (It's Hard To Breathe Sometimes) (Shadow and Bone)

This Could Be The Start Of Something New (Shadow and Bone)

Look Out ('Cause Here I Come) (Shadow and Bone)

Don't You Ever Leave Me (Don't You Ever Go) (Shadow and Bone)

C'mon Darling (Let Me Steal This Moment From You Now) (Shadow and Bone)

Wish I Could Quit You (But It Feels Too Good) (Shadow and Bone)

Little Did I Know (It Was You Before I Ever Decided) (Shadow and Bone)

My Love Is You (My Love You Are) (Shadow and Bone)

Now I Really Know (I Could Never Let You Go) (Shadow and Bone)

Trace The Steps With My Fingertips (Shadow and Bone)

I Meant Well (Look At What Well-Meant Did) (Shadow and Bone)

With No Distractions (My Only Reaction To You Is The Joy I Found) (Shadow and Bone)

Make My Whole World Feel So Right (Shadow and Bone)

Every Moment Spent With You (Is A Moment I Treasure) (Shadow and Bone)

You Are Not The King (We Are Not The Fools) (Shadow and Bone)

Took No Time With The Fall (Shadow and Bone)

Honey Just Put Your Sweet Lips On My Lips (Shadow and Bone)

You Were Lovely (By The Fractured Light) (Shadow and Bone)

Show Me That Heaven's Right Here (Shadow and Bone)

They Tell Me Think With My Head (Not That Thing In My Chest) (Shadow and Bone)

So Unfamiliar A Gleam (Shadow and Bone) 

Crash and Burn (Shadow and Bone)

If I Had The Chance (I'd Never Let You Go) (Shadow and Bone)

It's The Way You Stay (Right By My Side) (Shadow and Bone)

To Think It's Been Here All Along (Somewhere To Belong) (Shadow and Bone)

All The Broken Can Find Hope (In The Most Unexpected Places) (Shadow and Bone)

If You Don't Manage To Ruin It All (Maybe You Won't Die Alone) (Shadow and Bone)

No One Can Lift Me, Catch Me (The Way That You Do) (Shadow and Bone)

I Call It Magic (When I'm With You) (Shadow and Bone)

Forever's A Long Time (But Far From Enough Time To Spend With You) (Shadow and Bone)

A Strange Exhilaration (In Such Total Detestation) (Shadow and Bone)

Adventures in Selkie Babysitting (Shadow and Bone)

You're Like Lightning In A Bottle (I Can't Let You Go Now That I Got It) (Shadow and Bone)

Leave Me One Thing Before We Part (A Kiss To Build A Dream On) (Shadow and Bone)

Even If The Skies Get Rough (I'm Giving You All My Love) (Shadow and Bone)

Giving Love In A (Selkie) Family Dose (Shadow and Bone)

Let's Fall Apart (And Start Again) (Shadow and Bone)

No Charm Equal (Knives Out) 

I Give My Hand To You (With All My Heart) (Shadow and Bone)

Taking On The World Together (As Long As You Just Give Me All The Love You Have) (Shadow and Bone)

Every Hour We Spent Together (Lives Within My Heart) (Shadow and Bone)

Seal of Approval (Shadow and Bone) 

A Light So Steady (Shadow and Bone) 

I'd Rather Hold You (Than Try To Catch This Flight) (Shadow and Bone)

Because I’ll Be Here (Shadow and Bone)

I Wanna Feel The Way It Feels To Have You Stay (Shadow and Bone)

Love Like You Never Knew (Just Let Me Show You) (Shadow and Bone)

You're The Heart Of Me (Oh, Sweet Love Of Mine) (Shadow and Bone)

I'm Begging For You To Take My Hand (Shadow and Bone)

Unbreak the Broken (Shadow and Bone) 

How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You) (Shadow and Bone)

And With Your Love (I'll Never Be Alone) (Shadow and Bone)

I Guess I Always Knew (That Anything We Do Would Be Enough) (Shadow and Bone)

Just Say You Won't Let Go (Kemp Owyne (Traditional Song))

And Then You Caught My Eye (Giving Me The Feeling Of A Lightning Strike) (Shadow and Bone)

Save Me From The Nothing I've Become (Shadow and Bone)

Puppy Love (Shadow and Bone)

I'd Never Ask You ('Cause Deep Down I'm Certain I Know What You'd Say) (Shadow and Bone)

I Wonder What It's Like To Be Loved By You (Shadow and Bone)

It's Different When It Comes From You (DC Extended Universe)

To Take Another Path (Shadow and Bone) (Round Robin fic)

Feel Your Magnet Hearts (They're Beating Each To Each) (Shadow and Bone)

Unexpected (What You Did To My Heart) (Shadow and Bone)

My Arms Will Hold You (Keep You Safe And Warm) (Shadow and Bone)

I'm Becoming All Alone Again (Stay, Stay, Stay) (Shadow and Bone)

As Long As It Takes (I Will Prove My Love To You) (Shadow and Bone)

Picture Perfect (Shadow and Bone)

About To Say All The Things (Swore I'd Never Say) (Shadow and Bone)

A Smallville Christmas (Smallville) 

Our Dreams (They Are Made Out Of Real Things) (Shadow and Bone)

Always Darkest Before The Dawn (Shadow and Bone)

Been Dreaming That You Feel It Too (Shadow and Bone)

When The Day Met The Night (Object and Concept Anthropomorphism)

A Love So Sweet (In So Many Ways) (Shadow and Bone)

The More Things Change (Shadow and Bone) 

Elephant In The Room (Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries/Murder She Wrote)

Why Can't I Breath (Whenever I Think About You) (Shadow and Bone)

And Though It Seems Wrong (It Feels Right) (Shadow and Bone)

The Sweetest Devotion (Shadow and Bone)

Now I'm Illuminated (And You're All I See) (Shadow and Bone)

Tell Me That We Belong Together (Dress It Up With The Trappings Of Love) (Shadow and Bone)

Pretending You Ain’t Been On My Mind (Shadow and Bone)

Only The Darkest Light Can Deliver My Love (Shadow and Bone)

So Infinitely Vast (We're Standing At The Edge) (Shadow and Bone)

You Alone Can Make My Song Take Flight (Shadow and Bone)

Dare You To Run (Shadow and Bone)

Feels Like Love In The Morning (Shadow and Bone) 

Standing Where The Lightning Strikes (I Know This Doesn't Happen Twice) (Chronicles of Narnia (Movies))

No Matter What This World'll Throw (It Won't Shake Me Loose) (The Mummy (1999))

I've Got No Choice (But To Light You Up) (Shadow and Bone)

I Wanna Testify (Scream In The Holy Light) (Shadow and Bone)

Back At Home You Feel So Far (Knives Out)

I Could Live By The Light In Your Eyes (Shadow and Bone)

A Symphony Played When You Told Me Your Name (Original Work)

Wanna Wake Up Where Your Love Is (Shadow and Bone)

You Gave My Heart A Home (Shadow and Bone)

If I'm Butter (Then She's A Hot Knife) (Shadow and Bone)

Sunshine In The Darkness (Shadow and Bone)

Darling, Don’t Be Afraid (I Have Loved You For A Thousand Years) (Shadow and Bone)

Don’t You Ever Tame Your Demons (Always Keep Them On A Leash) (Shadow and Bone)

Love Is The Answer (For Most Of The Questions In My Heart) (Marvel Cinematic Universe)

I Can See The Lights In The Distance (Trembling In The Dark Cloak Of Night) (Shadow and Bone)

I Just Might Have A Problem That You'll Understand (Shadow and Bone)

We're The Salvaged From The Fray (Shadow and Bone)

Even In The Dark I Saw You (Shadow and Bone)

Light Up The Dark In You (Shadow and Bone)

All I Know Is, Darling (I Was Made For Loving You) (The Mummy (1999))

Have I Told You Lately I'm Grateful You're Mine (What If…? (2021))

Dance With Me (What If…? (2021))

Come Back To Me (What If…? (2021))

When You Smile, I Fall Apart (And I Thought I Was So Smart) (Shadow and Bone)

Home Is Wherever You Are Tonight (Shadow and Bone)

You're All That I Want (We'll Be Okay) (Shadow and Bone)

No Notion Of Loving By Halves (Shadow and Bone)

All Of These Years (All Of This Time) (Shadow and Bone) 

You've Got A Friend In Me (Doctor Who (2005))

The Spy (Jolene -- Dolly Parton (Song))

I Promise I'm Yours (Always and Forever) (Enola Holmes (Movies))

Afraid Of Heights (But You're My Parachute) (Shadow and Bone)

Favorite Fic? I’m going to cheat and pick two. I Wanna Testify (Scream In The Holy Light) which was a multichapter Winter Fete canon divergence fic that I started last year and then didn’t update for months because I got stuck on the plot, but I finished it this year and I’m really proud of it.

The other is No Notion of Loving By Halves which is a Darklina Regency marriage of convenience AU and while it’s not quite finished (I have three more chapters left!) I’m really happy with it and will be working on finishing it in the coming month or two. It’s also just my jam tropes wise so I love it a lot.

Hardest Fic? The most difficult was probably And With Your Love (I’ll Never Be Alone) which is a Darklina AU where Baghra uses merzost to wipe the memory of Alina from everyone’s minds to get her away from Aleksander. Mysteries and plot heavy fics aren’t my strong suit, so it took a lot of planning and brainstorming and adjusting. It ends happily, but it is very heavy and so I couldn’t work on it for long periods of time at once without putting myself into a funk. But I’m so happy to have finished it and love how it turned out. 

Do you plan on taking prompts in 2023? I love prompts! But as always, no guarantee that any particular prompt will be filled. 

What was the best thing about 2022? Writing wise, was definitely how much I got written and how much I’ve grown as a writer, even in the last few months. I don’t know if I’ll be able to write that much this upcoming year (and only working part time definitely helped with that), but I do want to keep improving and growing as a writer. 

What was the worst thing about 2022? I had a lot of mental health struggles this year and while I am also growing and improving in that arena, there were a lot of lows this year. There was also a lot of time where I just didn’t have the energy to write, even when I wanted to, which was frustrating. (I also got Covid at the very end of April and the fatigue from that lasted a while)

Any last thoughts for 2022? I’m so happy for all the friends I’ve made in the Darklina fandom and all the amazing fanworks I’ve consumed this year alone. 

Goals for 2022?

Comment more frequently

Finish as many fics on my WIPs/To Do list as possible 

Continue to focus on improving my writing

[zipzin]

2023 Year In Review

Stats

The numbers in case anyone is curious :)

AO3 Total: 214,086

AO3 This Year: 78,253

I can’t believe I wrote 100,000 more words this year than last year! I tracked all my writing again, so this is all spread across outlining, drafting, and editing, and these words definitely don’t translate to words that will be published. But it gets the vibe and I’m super proud that every month I contributed something.

November was a huge surprise because I was in a little bit of a slump and my only goal for Nano was to draft at least a sentence a day (which I completed except for Thanksgiving which I’m giving myself a pass on). I surprised myself by almost getting to 50,000! Which I haven’t done since I first started Nano as a freshman in High School.

The Same Recurring Questions

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year or less than what you’d predicted?

I thought I wrote a lot last year, but I almost doubled that this year. I started to give myself a lot more permission to write what I’m interested in and ride the waves of creativity, but I want to continue to get better at that. I’m not a very forgiving person, especially of myself, and sometimes I get too hyper focused on banging my head against an arbitrary deadline on a story I just am not feeling. I want to work on those stories through some of that pain, but not so much it grinds my writing to a halt.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you never would have predicted in January 2023?

While I haven’t posted any fics yet, Critical Role. I can’t really believe I started watching (which only happened because my own DnD group was taking a break for a couple weeks) and then I totally got sucked into Campaign 3. For actually posted fic, it’s Willow, just because I barely knew it existed (and now it’s not even officially posted anywhere anymore).

What’s your favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest.

I can’t pick between Morning Mist and The Law of Entropy. I’m really proud of Morning Mist, it's more literary (I guess? More serious might be better wording?) piece and I do want to explore mother daughter relationships more in my writing because I firmly believe that every mother daughter relationship is complicated and most of my favorite characters have a complicated relationship with their mother… We don’t need to read into that.

The Law of Entropy was a story I worked on and off for 6 years! That’s what I mean when I say I’m a very slow writer. To finally get it completed, well it makes me really happy and gives me hope for a lot of my other WIPs that I write a little bit here and there.

Do you have any fanfic goals for the New Year 2023?

Last year I wanted to post at least 12 stories and I finished the year with nine (technically I posted 13 on Ao3 but some of those had already been posted to tumblr so I’m not counting them), so I still want to get to 12. The other main goal is that I want to fully outline Act 2 of Boomerang. I vaguely know where it’s going, but I haven’t sat down and planned it as thoroughly as I’d like and I feel like it’s totally slowing me down from getting that completed. It haunts me, and I won’t ever abandon it, so it would be great to get a lot closer to finishing it.