#though the order of events it describes is more metaphorical

[homotexas]

i think geometry dash's ‘not technically a rhythm game’-ness leaves some more room for conceptual difficulty as well, prioritizing the game taking place in a 2D space rather than just directly mapping input windows to judgements. some levels play into the availability of practice mode by making you come up with the correct path through the level before executing it (e.g. parts of Sculptures by flash, VEIL by neigefeu [includes full screen flashes]). i'd also like to highlight False Horizon by lumpy, which has a clearer path but encourages you to both look ahead and at what's happening directly around the player to get through some segments, and uses some gameplay elements solely to psyche you out.

however, i think you're right for the average level. the only difference between the same tap pattern played on different combinations of mechanics is that how the player moves can map to important motion in the song while not taking up much space on the screen, something not really relevant for playing.

and, while i'm not good enough to engage with anything near the top difficulty, i'm under the impression that most interesting things do indeed get subsumed by muscle memory timings eventually. there's some opportunity to specialize into the flying gamemodes (ship and wave) because those rely more on managing your position within the allotted area that doesn't kill you, and there are levels that play with tech and weird timings (e.g. Sunset Sandstorm by crohn44, chancla by heatherhayes) but it matters a lot less than in other games because as you mentioned there's only one input, so it's just clicking with different visual indicators at a difficulty level where some people play with the music off because it's not a precise enough guide to time their jumps.

i havent played geometry dash but from what i can tell its a 1 button rhythm game (not technically a rhythm game but it's often treated like one so w/e) with rules & an editor that allowed its users to make arbitrarily tight timing windows and not much room for input density so the tightness of the timing windows became basically the only axis upon which the difficulty could vary which left a vacuum of design/expression that was filled entirely with the craft of making the levels look really really cool.

[thewertsearch]

I guess everyone is reacting to their parents' deaths in this arc. Dave's relationship with Bro has always been a little... complicated, so this should be a very interesting conversation.

TG: oh my fucking god […] TG: we just got done talking and agreed it would be awesome if you didnt bother me for a while […] GC: OH GC: TH4TS R1GHT GC: 1 FORGOT! TG: it was five seconds ago

Girl, get your damn timelines in order!

GC: D1D YOU LOV3 H1M D4V3? TG: no

I believe you.

There's something about the Strider brothers which I noticed a while ago, but haven't had the opportunity to talk about. This is the perfect moment to discuss it, though, because it explains a lot about why Dave is the way he is.

So - let's talk about the Strife fights.

When John first attacked his father with a hammer, I decided to roll with the assumption that this fight was symbolic, rather than literal. John loves his dad, and it can be safely assumed that he doesn't want to kill the guy.

Instead, this scene serves as a stand in for the familial strife between father and son. John finds his father's parenting style to be mildly frustrating, and their interactions sometimes feel like a fight to him.

Likewise, Rose (probably) isn’t actually going for Mom with those needles. Instead, their fight represents Mom’s 'ironic' negligence, and the gifts that Rose refuses to believe are from the heart. The Lalonde relationship is clearly more fraught than the Egbert one, but I don't think Rose actually wants to skewer Ms Lalonde.

Jade doesn't really fight her Grandpa, but their Strife clearly demonstrated how deeply in-denial she is - not about his death, but about the fact that her life isn't normal. She's desperately trying to have the same childhood that John and Rose are describing, but she can't, because she doesn't have a parent to bicker with.

Now, I'm sure you've guessed where I'm going with this. What, exactly, did Dave's Strife scenes represent?

Well...

...first of all, it's worth noting that Dave is the only Player to explicitly describe the events of his Strife to a third party. We've never heard John reminiscing about bludgeoning Dad, but Dave's constantly complaining about getting beaten up by puppets.

And - rather more worryingly - Dave is the only Player to retain his Strife injuries, even after this ostensibly 'metaphorical' fight is over.

In fact, one of those Strife injuries still marks him to this day.

The point I am obviously dancing around is that I don't think Dave's Strife was a metaphor at all. Unlike his friends, there's no pretense to these fights. They're literal. Dave's brother routinely attacked him.

Odds are, this was Bro's way of 'preparing' Dave for the game he surely knew was coming - but you don't need me to tell you that he took it way too far. The guy might have been Dave's assigned Guardian, but he really shouldn't have been raising anyone.

[artemis32]

subjugation vi

i'm on my period and i am dying, so - here's a drabble no one asked for

****

subjugation masterlist

Thinking about EraserMic and how they treat you while you're on your period.

If you thought they were overbearing before, you have no idea how little breathing room you'll have now - literally.

Let's follow the order of events.

First, you'll become snippy with them, even more short off than you usually are. Normally, they can ignore your sharp quips and snarled words and move on with the conversation, but really, with the way you're acting, they can't let that kind of behaviour slide.

There's really no other way to describe it - you were being a bitch. A nasty one.

So they punish you in that strange way of theirs, forcing you to keep them company, overwhelming you with their presence, metaphorically force-feeing you their presence.

That does nothing but make it worse, pushing your already irritable mood to the edge.

Except this time, instead of snapping at them and lashing out as you usually would, you're pushed to the more emotional side of things.

Hizashi is horrified when you burst into tears in the middle of the living room, sniffling as you try in vain to mop up your tears with your shirt sleeve.

He'd expected you to become emotional, just not like this. You hardly ever cried, and even when you did, you tried to make sure it wasn't around the two of them.

You probably thought it made you look weak. What a ridiculous notion.

He lays a hesitant palm on your shoulder, patting it awkwardly as he murmurs softly.

"...you okay?"

As your sniffles grow to sobs, he cringes back.

He discusses it with Shota that night while you sleep, having gone to bed early. It was unusual for you to be exhausted this early in the evening, but the two took the opportunity to discuss your recent odd behaviour.

They talk in circles for most of the night, never settling on one reason for your outburst.

A few days later though, all is revealed.

You could try to hide it for a bit, but you won't last all that long. Not with two observant, seasoned pro heroes monitoring your every movement.

Try as you might, you can't hide the pain on your features, or the odd grimace here and there, or the fact that you're using wads of toilet paper as pads.

Unsurprisingly, you hadn't had your period in the months following your abduction. Who would've thought that extreme stress and anxiety would cause your period to be all but non-existent.

That unfortunately meant that the house wasn't very well equipped to handle a woman or her cycle.

Pads or tampons? Zero.

Pain killers? Ziltch.

Heating pads? None.

Chocolate? Nada.

But once they'd realised what was really going on, the situation was quickly remedied.

That's how you found yourself smothered under a pile of blankets, squished between the two pro heroes on the couch, being forced to drink warm tea by the cupful.

In a way, it was almost... nice?

It was warm and comfortable, and the painkillers Shouta had all but shoved down your throat had done wonders for your cramps. And it didn't hurt that they weren't trying to talk to you, or interact with you at all beyond the occasional shift in positioning.

Not to mention, the crushing weight of their bodies on you felt almost soothing.

(Also Shouta had such nice, warm hands - they're large too, comforting as they encompass your lower stomach, gently massaging the cramping, bloated area).

That's how you find yourself dozing off as some or other reality tv show plays on in the background.

****

They'd act like that all week, treating you like some fragile kitten, careful not to make any sudden sounds or movements.

Of course, they go back to usual as soon as your period is over, but for those glorious few days, it's as if they almost don't exist, only ever bothering you to bring you what you want.

It's almost worth the cramps, back aches, tender breasts and awful mood swings.

Almost.

Except, a few months down the line, Hizashi realises he has a thing for period sex, and it definitely doesn't hurt that it's supposed to help with cramps.

You can't blame him, he's just trying to help you.

So what if he gets off in the process?

****

Hizashi is a period sex kinda man and you can't convince me otherwise. Man's is nasty.

I'll definitely expand on this some other time :))

[thecraftyninjacat]

Mahoro, Matakara, Aladdin and the Princess

I think Episode 8 finally confirmed to me that the role of the Princess in the Aladdin allusion was actually split between Mahoro and Matakara, rather than it being one or the other. There's a reason why they're both represented by Jasmine-chan during the Nyan Nyaight Love cutaways!

Preface; imo Bucchigiri's narrative takes inspiration from both Disney's Aladdin and the original Aladdin story, so I'm going to switch the Princess's name depending on which version of her I'm referring to. So Jasmine -> Disney's Aladdin, and Badroulbadour -> 1001 Nights Aladdin.

From what I saw in the 1001 Nights Aladdin, Badroulbadour didn't have much of a personality, so it makes sense that a lot of Mahoro and Matakara's personalities were taken from Jasmine, while their roles in the story were slightly more influenced by Badroulbadour.

Mahoro: The feistier side of Jasmine. She has a sharp tongue and always speaks her mind, regardless of potential danger. Eg. Mahoro stands up to Akutaro after he gains the upper hand on both gangs, similarly to how Jasmine refuses to bow to Jafar when he becomes Sultan.

She's also regarded as pretty desirable, and has charmed several men to get them to do what she wants (something that both Jasmine and Badroulbadour do at some point to trick Jafar/the sorcerer). Arajin falls for Mahoro at first sight, similarly to how both versions of Aladdin fell for both versions of the Princess, and like Aladdin his crush on her becomes his driving motivation throughout the series. Akutaro also talks about turning her into a NG Girl and…abusing her, a la Jafar. Ik it's just to trigger Arajin but yk what I mean!

Matakara: The gentler, more naive side of Jasmine, in that he trusts/believes in Arajin...a lot more than he should, really. The main 'lying' plot point between Disney's Aladdin and Jasmine is directly implemented into Matakara and Arajin's relationship. On a surface level there's also their blue colour schemes and phonetically similar names (Asamine -> Jasmine). Near the climax of the 1001 Nights version, the sorcerer tricks Badroulbadour into giving him the lamp with the genie in it, similarly to how Akutaro manipulates Matakara into shooting himself with Ichiya. Both actions trigger a Very Bad Turn of Events that Aladdin stops/will have to stop with the help of his own genie.

Also very interesting how Ichiya has a moon motif, and Badroulbadour's name is a metaphor for female beauty meaning 'full moon of full moons'. Totally not losing my fucking mind over that no sir

Though they both fit the Princess allusion, the entire show is screaming that Matakara is Arajin's true Jasmine, and Arajin is going to realise he was what he needed all along. Honestly, it doesn't get more obvious than Episode 9.

That's not to mention how Mahoro and Matakara also have many, many parallels to each other via their relationships with Arajin. (Both visit him one-on-one at his mom's restaurant to convince him to do something and order the exact same dish, Arajin thinks of child Matakara after seeing both current Matakara and Mahoro get hurt, his meetings with both of them are juxtaposed with one another and described as a 'fated meeting' in this trailer, etc.)

Aside from that, there's also a lot of little stuff that the two have in common! (Both suck at cooking, both deeply care about their older siblings, both are cute as hell etc etc.)

(it's also pretty neat how they're technically both the respective 'princesses' of Minato Kai and Siguma, being the younger siblings of the leader/former leader of each gang!)

[buttered-milky]

So how does Messmer's story interact with a theme of autonomy?

OMG FUCKING FLAPPING MY HANDS SO HARD AT THIS ASK GLAD YOU FUCKING ASKED ANON 💞✨💞✨💞✨

Okay, sorry it took me one grillion years to get this posted, but it is basically an essay and I also have Many Life Events that prevent me from getting a chance to sit down and write. I have many thoughts. I will put them under a read more.

When I say Messmer’s story is about autonomy, I mean this specifically in relation to disability.

To me, the base serpent functions as an allegory for some sort of disability. We know the base serpent feeds on Messmer’s flame—this is his curse, to have this eldritch thing gnawing at his soul.

Now how is the base serpent treated by those around Messmer? And how does it affect his life? (Answer: negatively)

Let’s start with how the serpent itself functions as an independent agent. For a moment please forget what I said about it being a disability metaphor—it still is but that’s a mystery mouskatool for later. Right now we’re gonna talk about it as a living entity of its own.

As I pointed out, the serpent feeds on Messmer’s flame, and this harm and how intertwined it has become with Messmer’s existence limits Messmer. It has affected his view of himself to the point it limits his choices in life. How to present himself—with or without flame? He associates his flame with the serpent. How to fight—with or without the serpent’s power? It doesn’t seem to hurt him to use the serpent, but it does make others uncomfortable.

The harm itself of the serpent using Messmer as a food source is also a very basic imposition on Messmer’s autonomy. Of course he doesn’t want an eldritch snake gnawing at him like a chew toy, but the serpent is not going to leave him alone. It does not give him his own space and freedom.

Messmer tries to remove his flame not because the flame itself is a curse, but because it attracts something which is. That’s deeply fucking sad. He’s trying to remove parts of himself—to change himself fundamentally—just to get basic freedom and autonomy.

Now let’s also look at how others see the base serpent. For example, Marika.

Listen. She tried her best with him but I do wonder when the grace seal happened. It seems (to me at least, though we have no confirmed timeline) to have been done early in his life given the language used to describe the serpent. This was urgent. Marika was very worried about this wicked serpent and what it was doing to her son! This is important, by the way—that she does these things out of love.

Marika is also, however, deeply concerned with her own ideals. For example, light, the source of her own grace and of Messmer’s power. Messmer seems to scorn those “devoid of light” as he puts it. Darkness in itself is a curse under the Golden Order. Perhaps she wants to save the flame within Messmer for this reason, although there is definitely the motivation of that is her son.

The dual motivations, to both protect someone and to enforce our ideals of what is “best” is what hurts so many disabled folks. Sometimes “normal” is not attainable—and it doesn’t have to be! What disabled people find normal or doable or comfortable is fine, and they should have the agency to say so. That’s where I see autonomy really coming into Messmer’s story as an important motif.

Messmer is unfortunately born into a society that, at least to Marika, seems prejudiced against the strange. He is born into a world that would hate him for having the base serpent (though that is no fault of his own). And instead of trying to change this faulty thinking in others, Marika changes her son.

Her healing is…a mixed bag. The blessings Marika makes for her son seem alright. That’s non-invasive medicine, and it’s not like she’s forcing these down Messmer’s throat. But the grace seal is more iffy. Like I said, I’m not sure how I feel about the grace seal and whether that’s really accommodation. It does send a certain message that, uh, a core part of Messmer deserves to be locked away for eternity, which is not healthy for anyone to hear.

But I can understand why Marika did it, too. She thinks she is healing/accommodating her son and making life livable. And maybe she is! The base serpent we see in the second phase of the fight looks painful. But that is also a manifestation of something that has been repressed for centuries and is boiling over.

I wanna know what the base serpent was like when he was born! Was it truly “wicked?” Did it want to hurt others, or just go after Messmer’s flame? Both? Was the base serpent just something Marika was uncomfortable with, because it took light from her son? How necessary is that light? I wanna know how necessary the grace seal was!

We know Marika had Messmer after her apotheosis—he is a demigod, after all. So at this point she is already being affected by the Greater Will and ideals that will become the Golden Order. I do think Messmer of all her children probably had the least of this Order forced upon him, but that isn’t to say he had none. He was in the Lands Between at some point, based on the fire giants and Impaler’s Catacombs. He did have to conform to some degree to be accepted.

He definitely had to conform to be accepted in Leyndell. People in the Shadow Lands may be accepting—we see Hornsent and no one gives a damn—but the Misbegotten and Omen in the Lands Between (who look a lot like hornsent, mind you)? Treated like absolute shit, because of the Order. There is no way Messmer was escaping such treatment, no matter if he was a demigod.

The grace seal could be accommodation, but it is also a manifestation of Marika’s and the Order’s ideals and the pressure to conform—to give up autonomy for safety (which is really no choice at all).

Above all, what Marika and/or Messmer do to “heal” him does nothing to fix societal prejudice. Nothing here fights for autonomy or freedom. Not the blessings, not the seal—I mean it’s a fucking seal, a lock.

And it only hides the base serpent, instead of actually fighting it, which in the end leads to destruction.

It is not necessarily a kindness to try to treat or cure a disability if you are not also working to undo the prejudice against said disability and provide accommodations. It is not necessarily a kindness to try to cure a disability which doesn’t need curing. And it is no kindness to demand disability be swept under the rug because it is not palatable enough to you.

This is where we see loss of autonomy.

Messmer is such a walking tragedy. He’s just doomed from the start. Marika is trying, but she’s not fixing the world, just continuing its cycles of violence. And even if she didn’t give him the seal, the base serpent would’ve been spurned.

As a last aside/point, I wanna discuss how Messmer deals with his own situation as a disabled person (and more generally a minority class) because it reflects something in the real world.

Messmer accepts the verdict that part of himself should be hidden, and that being what he is is bad, and he goes on to further this notion. He destroys the people his mother wants him to destroy. He commits genocide for many reasons, but one of them is because it guarantees a scrap of power under the Order. He preserves the status quo instead of fighting against it, and he tries to be “one of the good ones” to save himself as much as he can within a system that hates him.

He is someone who is not good enough for the order, and he is lightless, but at least he is denying himself to try to be like the oppressors.

Which gets you nowhere by the way. Being one of the good ones is never enough, and it will destroy you in the end.

[abuse-ken]

Ito is not an evil murderer for no reason: a meta

I'm going to be breaking down the lyrics and PVs of three songs: Yellow Papa (x), Dear Suns (x), and Flower War. This is a chronological look at Ito's story. Feel free to look them over if you need a review :3 the song is linked in the first word, and the lyrics in the second. I left a second translation for Yellow Papa and Dear Suns because I like the second one better for readability. Flower War has lyrics in the captions of the PV

Before I start: As I understand things, this series of songs by Abuse is centered around a cult that primarily idolizes indulgence to any degree. Especially through Ito and Zoy, we see sex and cannibalism heavily intertwined. For this reason, I interpret cannibalism to be both literal and a metaphor for rape

Ito himself is the oldest of four siblings. He is fully man himself, but serves as a parallel to Ote in that his mind is that of a beast while his body isn't. His mom is a beastman, and his absent father is a man

Yellow Papa

*Please note that Ito is described as "only just learning how to read" during this song, making him around five

The general point of this song (which I assume most people don't know as this is a song that was initially supposed to be Dear Suns, but Abuse cut and put on Abuse Bundle instead) is to illustrate Ito's childhood. Both this and Dear Suns seem to serve similar purposes, both coming out after Flower War to further humanize Ito. This song follows a parentified Ito and his siblings as Ito begs for love from their parents. So fun and chill ty Abuse

We see a lot of talk of meat and being eaten, as is standard with Ito ofc:

Most notably, the line "'Love us, love us!', My mother's fangs gobbled me up, and I became raw meat". Obviously Ito was not literally eaten here, which leads us to the conclusion that Ito's mom is sexually abusive

This leads straight into "That sort of sensation was of falling from the top", tying back to the opening line of "I ate the raw meat that had fallen from the top", meaning one of two things. Either we are meant to take the first verse's lines as autocannibalism, a metaphor for how he is having to take care of his siblings with their father absent; or we are getting our first glimpse at why Ito might be a cannibal: need. If this isn't meant to be taken as an analogy and Ito is eating "raw meat" (presumably people), this paints a picture of him and his family being in a dog-eat-dog kind of world, having to cannibalize other vulnerable people around them in order to eat

We also see his mother ask if he is going to eat her, which he says he is. This is touched on more in Dear Suns, obviously. He cites his reason for eating her as because his father doesn't love her. With the final chorus showing Ito more desperate for his father's love than food, which he and his family are very clearly lacking, it gives us the general themes of Ito as a character:

Love, sex (and sexual abuse), and eating are all one and the same to him

Dear Suns

*Ito is older here, he seems to be at least a teenager based on the illustrations, but there is no lyrical acknowledgement of his age

As I'm sure most people know, this is more insight into Ito as a character rather than any particular event in his life, outside of the detailing of him eating mother and siblings

To begin with though, we get some elaboration on Ito's life before this song and how he came to be at the church. At about 1:43, the PV reads, "one thousand necks have been severed, so many bodies remain, sever the necks of one thousand [millionares?], blood stains remain even in the shower stalls, I'm in the middle of the street, I spend a year in the hospital, I don't know my name, I don't know where I live, 'you are a child, and this is your new family'." This implies that somewhere in between Yellow Papa and this song, while Ito was still young, he was eventually taken in off the street and to a hospital where he lived for a year, the church taking him in as him "new family" afterwards. This is over the line in the song that reads "you must protect your family, carve it into your DNA," which points to the church directing him into the role he takes on in Flower War to at least some extent

At 1:04, we also see a shot of text that reads, "for the first time in my life, I have a purpose" right as soon as the chorus starts detailing Ito killing and eating people, yet another implication that this is something he took on as more of a job than a crime of passion

There's also a shot of him wearing a collar with a chained lead at 1:26, which is obvious enough a sign of being controlled, especially when all the characters are dog-based. There is an inherent dehumanization to all of the characters in this plotline of Abuse's, but it applies to Ito too, not just the beastmen characters. Despite being fully aware of his actions, he is collared, compared to an animal, and dehumanized by the narrative itself

This song especially is full of evidence that Ito was brought up in the church for the sole purpose of protecting the people in their cult. With several lines about "having to protect his family" and especially "protect your family and their connection to you, it's carved into the spiral/(alternate translation above)", it really makes it seem like he's more of a child soldier for them than just the common interpretation of him being a yandere type. There's also the mention of "xochimiquiztli"* which ties in more with Flower War (obviously more explaination later), meaning not only in Flower War but this song too, he is canonically compared to an honored soldier going on what is basically a suicide mission for the sake of pride and protection of their religion

And of course, the song closes with Ito saying "this is wrong". He's aware that he is commiting horrible acts on some level, yet he keeps doing it because he loves his family

*Refers to a death on the battlefield in a flower war. From the Aztec Empire, roughly translates to "flowery death"

Flower War

*Still no age for Ito, and he is pictured as a fox, so it is hard to gauge

To begin with, I'll give a brief summary of what flower wars are. In the 1450s, the Aztecs were going through a famine, and determined that the gods were angry and needed human sacrifices. In order to obtain these, soldiers were sent out into small, pre-arranged battles to take prisoners. Any deaths (or xochimiquiztli as before mentioned) were considered honorable, and the dead would join the god of sun, fire, and war.

This is tied to Ito's character as a whole. He grew up in the church because of growing up on the streets without food, he is heavily tied to sun imagery in Dear Suns and Flower War (while Zoy is notably tied to fire), and Flower War tells the story of his noble flowery death. In my opinion, this is too much connection to brush off as just reading into things. Ito is almost canonically called a child soldier through this analogy alone

This song really only follows Ito's last kill and his own death, which is a mission he goes on in order to kill people who "made fun of father (Zoy)" and "tried to kill Ote". The whole way he goes on about loving his family and his victims (again, love=sex=hunger to Ito), degrading himself, and praising his family members. He also mentions several times (2:06, 3:26, 4:01) that he is not supposed to kill children, which seems to be his undoing. While reminding himself of this rule, which he seems to only follow because someone else set it for him, he is shot and killed

In the final shot of the song, we also see a carnation that is red and yellow, the red meaning love (or specifically love for your mother, bc he has mommy issues ig) and the yellow representing disappointment and contempt. Like Dear Suns, this final moment displays some level of regret for his actions, and a final callback to his mother, who has now been mentioned in all three of his songs

In conclusion: my blorbo did nothing wrong /j please stop pointing out that he is a cannibal every time I mention liking him

[storyhaunt-a]

a lot of the 'shifts' and divergences from canon that occur on this blog (as well as a few focus-points in terms of traumatic experiences), in regards to eragon, revolve around one specific event - the agaetí blödhren. in general, i think there was a lot of missed and scrapped potential within the inheritance cycle, but it is the agaetí blödhren that completely changes the trajectory of the story in terms of eragon's character and how he must interact with the world and exist within it.

the agaetí blödhren, or 'the blood oath ceremony' in english, is an elven celebration that occurs every 100 years, commemorating the pact forged between elves and dragons as a means to end the long-standing dragon war (aka, du fyrn skulblaka). it was through this pact that the souls of elves and dragons were brought together as one, and it was when the elves were given their immortality, and the dragons, their magic and ability to communicate. the event itself, which occurs once every hundred years and for three days straight, is described as being so visceral and raw and dangerously intoxicating (and exceptionally unwise for non-elves to experience, as, if i remember correctly, they run the risk of being lost in the ensuing spiritual mania and snapping mentally under what is essentially an overdose of magic), as the elves chant and sing their magic for the entirety of those three days. an excerpt from eldest, the gift of dragons:

Then the elves began to sing in their clear, flutelike voices. They sang many songs, yet each was but part of a larger melody that wove an enchantment over the dreamy night, heightening senses, removing inhibitions, and burnishing the revels with fey magic. Their verses concerned heroic deeds and quests by ship and horse to forgotten lands and the sorrow of lost beauty. The throbbing music enveloped Eragon, and he felt a wild abandon take hold of him, a desire to run free of his life and dance through elven glades forever more. Beside him, Saphira hummed along with the tune, her glazed eyes lidded halfway.

What transpired afterward, Eragon was never able to adequately recall. It was as if he had a fever and faded in and out of consciousness. He could remember certain incidents with vivid clarity—bright, pungent flashes filled with merriment—but it was beyond him to reconstruct the order in which they occurred. He lost track of whether it was day or night, for no matter the time, dusk seemed to pervade the forest. Nor could he ever say if he had slumbered, or needed sleep, during the celebration.…

suffice to say, the night itself is a strange one for eragon, a wave of new and bizarre experiences. but it is less the agaetí blödhren itself that changes eragon - i will always stand by the idea that even without what happens with the dragon-tattoo, the ceremony was, in some fashion, traumatic for eragon, or at the very least a not so great time for him, and though it's definitely something he himself tells himself he has no opinion on, his experience wasn't exactly the greatest - and moreso the violation of autonomy that occurs during.

for context, for the last several months up until this point, eragon has suffered from seizures, which have gotten progressively worse and more frequent and life-threatening as the days have gone on. this is a result of being gored on the sword of durza, a shade 'employed' by galbatorix. the seizures themselves spark as a result of the extreme pain and agony that eragon's wound / scar leaves him in, as well as, in my own opinion, the metaphorical mental scarification of eragon's brain being split between two places (fighting for his own consciousness as well as being trapped in the remnants of durza's memories / mind), and the subsequent struggle to actually bring himself back fully and stay present, even if he's out of that place and belongs to himself again.

with all of that being said - during the agaetí blödhren, there is a moment where an elf's dragon tattoo separates from their body amidst the magic-song of the celebration, and it approaches eragon and touches his gedwëy ignasia, his dragon-mark. in this moment, eragon has no idea what is happening or what will happen to him; he technically can't even be classified as sober, and is, as paolini himself describes, drifting in and out of being black-out, and solidly and detrimentally disoriented. he does not know what the dragon-tattoo will do to him, and neither does anyone else present. and herein lies an odd decision on paolini's part.

when the dragon-tattoo touches eragon's gedwëy ignasia, it triggers a physiological and magical response in eragon, who immediately blacks out as a result of the searing pain that shoots all throughout him, and he is understandably terrified out of his mind as to what's happening to him. excerpt from eldest, the gift of dragons (still):

As the dragon’s baleful eye fell upon him, Eragon knew that the creature was no mere apparition but a conscious being bound and sustained by magic. Saphira and Glaedr’s humming grew ever louder until it blocked all other sound from Eragon’s ears. Above, the specter of their race looped down over the elves, brushing them with an insubstantial wing. It came to a stop before Eragon, engulfing him in an endless, whirling gaze. Bidden by some instinct, Eragon raised his right hand, his palm tingling.

In his mind echoed a voice of fire: Our gift so you may do what you must.

The dragon bent his neck and, with his snout, touched the heart of Eragon’s gedwëy ignasia. A spark jumped between them, and Eragon went rigid as incandescent heat poured through his body, consuming his insides. His vision flashed red and black, and the scar on his back burned as if branded. Fleeing to safety, he fell deep within himself, where darkness grasped him and he had not the strength to resist it.

Last, he again heard the voice of fire say, Our gift to you.

when eragon awakes an hour later, he is completely and utterly changed. when it comes to dragon-riders, due to the pact forged between elves and dragons, and the fact that it was elves who made the first bond with dragons [to create dragon-riders], as they age, human dragon-riders will slowly become more physically elven; an unavoidable thing, a result of the magic which courses through them. however, in this situation, the process has been heavily expedited, and eragon finds himself … near completely elven.

he also finds that he has no scars anymore. no seizures. he is also the pinnacle of beauty, and has been made to have alabaster skin. as it stands, while having such drastic physical changes forced upon him is a traumatic incident for eragon, it is the latter issues that i will not be fully acknowledging, mostly in part because i do not … really enjoy the way in which eragon's blemishes and disability were completely erased, and become things of the past for him. especially in the case of his disability.

the way in which paolini has a tendency to write disabilities is a very unforgiving one. those who are not abled-bodied in some way, shape, or form, are outcast, isolated, and deemed worthless, weak, and generally repulsive. now, this whole thing could have been made into a commentary on how that way of thinking is, in fact, cruel, and that particular lack of compassion and the upholding of 'perfection' and 'normality' [in regards to being able-bodied], but if i'm being entirely honest, you can really tell how old paolini was when he wrote this story when disabilities, physical and mental, are the topic of discussion, and you can definitely tell the era / year the books were written in. even more unsavory, there is the full discussion and implication of eugenics regarding those who are not able-bodied within the story, and virtually every single character seems to be entirely on board and in agreement about the worth and abilities of those who are disabled. it's not exactly the prettiest picture that gets painted, here.

to have eragon magically 'cured' of his seizures, and for the every single character and the story itself sigh a breath of relief, because eragon 'would have been useless' had he not been 'fixed' (which, if i remember correctly, 'fix' was, in fact, a word that was used when speaking about eragon and his disability). it is entirely true that continuing to deal with his seizures would be a struggle, and he would be put through the wringer, and as someone who is disabled himself, i know the feeling of 'i would do anything to not have to feel like this / go through this ever again'. but the way that paolini pretty immediately 'fixes' the problem, and the way that the the story and its cast treat eragon as though he is suddenly useless and incapable of anything after his battle with durza, is honestly more than a little uncomfortable and in extreme poor taste. the idea that life as a whole is an impossible obstacle if you cannot function 'normally', and the persistent ideology that you are weak and useless and incapable of achieving anything if you are not able-bodied is, in fact, a shitty mindset to have, and takes away a lot of the weight that could be applied to your story, were the protagonist allowed to be disabled and still be a hero.

now, the other thing that rubs me the wrong way about eragon's transformation and how he is described, is the prevalent note regarding him now having 'alabaster skin'. while eragon himself has not, up until this point, had his skin-tone described at all, something that has been common place within the writing itself for almost all characters (which, given the fact that it's only the characters of color who ever get described, we can assume that paolini intends for every other character to be white, and for us to just assume and expect that). however, and this is likely just a result of the way that i've read and interpreted the story, but regardless - despite eragon's lack of description wrt skin tone, he has always, in my mind, been brown, which in part is because … and my memory is constantly foggy and i cannot find the exact passage i'm thinking of, but i believe there have been notes made regarding brom (eragon's biological father) and the fact that he would conceal his gedwëy ignasia with mud and clay, which in and of itself does not prove that brom was brown in any way, but it's the idea that no other characters seemed to take notice of that or think anything of it (and the subsequent concept that the mud/clay might have blended relatively well with the rest of his skin). this whole point has a lot less confidence than the one above, i admit, and is more speculation and headcanoning than written-fact, but eragon suddenly being pale as snow and that being one of the identifying traits that makes him beautiful now … it does feel a little bit weird.

now, as i cannot figure out a transition to this point and want to get this post over with before i lose my mind, how i will be portraying eragon on this blog where the agaetí blödhren and his transformation are concerned:

as stated previously, eragon still has seizures. they are not as extreme as they were when he was in the height of his physical agony as a result of his wound, but he still has them from time to time, with the worst episodes typically occurring in moments of high stress as well as, predictably, moments of extreme physical pain. his particular symptoms include temporary disorientation (speaking gibberish / incoherently without realizing, saying the same thing(s) over and over for a second as if 'glitching'), zoning out (staring into space, 'not listening'; extremely brief, does not remember whatever is said / done during these little hiccups), and, less frequently, fainting / blacking out (there have, in fact, been a few instances of him 'passing out' at his desk, or having to sit down on the ground because of a 'dizzy spell'; can last a few minutes, and he usually comes to extremely disoriented and exhausted and out of it). he is still a capable and dangerous fighter, and is far from helpless. he does get frustrated with himself at times, but he is not useless by any measure of the word, and still has the full capacity for adventure and heroics.

many of his smaller and 'less important' scars were healed during his transformation, but not all of them. the scar that durza left, as well as his scars from his first flight with saphira, and the one that he gave himself when messing with garrow's scythe, still mark his body. durza's scar still hurts, but not to the intensity that it did before.

brom and eragon are brown. the transformation does not change this.

[ashadowofburnedoutstardust]

Sorting thoughts:

The countdown list:

This fucking hedron is pissing me off

Ok so Dream 1# concluded with the discovery of the graves under the Hospital, which means the other two dreams are still in play.....🤦‍♀️

Museum Date and the Haitian Woman from the original triad are still playing out, is this the real measure of the countdown I keep feeling?

Complete dream list post:

The Chris dream makes sense in my brain to current context but it may be hard for others to follow....it's all happening at once, which means the Haitian woman dream is playing out at the same time as well

I've always thought the third dream to be related to the US elections, however if you consider the events of South Africa going to the ICC into account it also fits....(Ugh layers) if you think about the overall struggle right now it is basically a fight against colonialism and white supremacy - which also fits

Which I guess means there are layers to the Museum dream as well ugh are they events? We just had the Met Gala? But are the events in the dream the order in which they actually occur? Or is it a list to cross off? This would make sense given a post by Kamala got crossed off as one of the events in the third dream, well symbolically anyway...

(Why can't I just have dreams about my neighbours or some shit? I mean I recently realised the empathic side of what I've been absorbing literally from my neighbours and people around me? Why on earth would the other side bother little old me with world event notes? Like what could I actually achieve?)

Anyway back to todays list:

Eye of the storm approaching? The clock is ticking faster now an increase in wind speed? A flame flickering, Stars falling? An egg cracking

One possible set of events? Again, I worry about the layers, theres always 3,

Eye of the storm approaching?

Why does it present itself as a question though? The eye of the storm/a tilted axis/fork in the path: the centre point from which all things come?

The sun? How close do we come before being burned? It makes me think of the solar storm but while real time events can offer a sign I get more of a Hurricane feeling, which I guess means its at its halfway point, which I guess makes the end of this immediate scenario next January, I'll have to look up events for Jan 2025

(I honestly apologise for the constant metaphors but I challenge you to describe the feeling looking at your favourite colour gives you)

The clock is ticking faster now an increase in wind speed

There is technically an actual ticking clock in the Museum dream attached to a bomb, I rescue the useless twat wearing a moon boot and help him dodge other fake explosions, the debunking of the PR BS maybe?

It makes me wonder about this hurricane feeling, the second half of the storm apparently passes faster than the first, so when it ends it ends at hyperspeed? Ironic they got "married" in a massive storm

Ok layers: time is running out, not just for the CE situation but in the other ones as well. Things are speeding up on both sides the clock is ticking and people are literally aware, the increase in windspeed things happening so fast now its like watching the world go by in fast forward, things aren't going to plan, its like watching a weathervane flip back and forth changing directions

A flame flickering, Stars falling?

*sighs* theres that eternal flame again, *shrugs* I mean solar storm, would it technically be considered flickering? Lol

I have to admit it has crossed my mind how that storm might really mess with some of the older satellites, if one of them falls into the Ocean off the coast of NZ I'm claiming it

It could be what is basically a digital vigil for Palestine, the strength of the flame struggling but refusing to go out, passing of a torch to the newest generation perhaps, keeping the flame alive? Gen Z currently holding the line?

Stars falling, could be funky satellites, could be missiles, could be the flags of the US/UK/Israel? The Blockout2024, the fall of Hollywood Celebs who refused to speak up and pay the price?

An egg cracking

It's the same life/death/rebirth cycle of change?

But what's being hatched? A new plan? A new Path?

Or are we just stuck here looking at Humpty Dumpty after his great fall

Does it mean the facade cracking?

All of the above?

Ugh layers

Back to the Countdown list one more time before I go:

That whole Hedron section is Karmic ☯️

But it's also an end? An end date?

Dark and light, push and pull, a debt owed a debt paid

But a choice only one can make

(ugh this is some chosen one shit isn't it?)

[crows-and-cookies]

SPOILERS ABOUT ALL GRISHVERSE BOOKS

What strike me when you read the Grishaverse books in order is how much Leigh Bardugo grew while writing them. Don’t get me wrong with this bit of analysis—I love all of them, and they’re all good. It’s just occurring to me as I read them how her style improves as we go on.

The shadow and bone series is a bit clunky, moving in fits and starts, with a tiny bit of a gap between each story. Personally, I don’t think the Mal/Alina relationship is as well developed as others to come. And there’s some things that Alina doesn’t explain, but not in the mystery way of the crows, but in like the way that she’s describing the action with not as much emotional depth as she could (think in the second book in the church with the Darkling). Also, it’s purely Alina’s POV (with the exception of the first and last chapters).

In SOC, we start to get that alternating POV, which gives us more insight into other characters, fully fleshing out the issues and events. Even with Kaz, who doesn’t think he likes to show emotions (which he does show emotions, just under the guise of Dirtyhands’ violence), we have his internal dialogue of what he’s feeling, fully giving us the scene/scene reaction.

Additionally, the diction is more poetic than the glimpses of poetry we saw in Shadow and Bone. ‘Her heart was a river that ran towards the sea’, ‘I will have you with armor, Kaz Brekker, or I will not have you at all’, and don’t even get me started on the sheer magnitude of metaphors packed into SOC.

Not to mention the way Kanej grow towards each other in SOC, how they do the same things but for different reasons. Malina is growing, but it’s Alina growing and Mal chasing her, and he ‘grows’ in the sense of dedicating himself to her, but not in the sense of himself as much as Alina does. Kaz grows from wanting revenge to wanting to build something, to wanting Inej. He finally wants something for himself, but not under the guise of money, for the reality that he loves her. He has growth outside of her, but she helps it along. Inej moves from wanting forgiveness for the sins forced upon her (I think) to wanting to change the system. Inej gave Kaz the space and want to build something, and Kaz gave her the strength and skills to want to fight not just for herself, but for others.

Additionally, the scale of everything is increased in SOC. The violence and stakes seem greater, even though the Shadow and Bone was about a war, and SOC was about criminals. Alina does eventually kill people and works through that emotionally and notes how it conflicts with her image as a martyr—the crows kill people and it’s a backdrop for other problems. Kaz kills Oomen (after ripping out his eye) for what he did to Inej, for risking the safety of his people. It’s him ‘making him pay’ and keeping his reputation on the surface, but underneath it’s about him having feelings that he doesn’t understand about Inej and about protecting what he’s built. Inej kills Dunashya as a way of killing her ‘shadow’ and moving forward with the idea of doing harm to do good (killing slavers to stop slavery). While the setting is smaller (just Ketterdam and the Ice Court, mostly), the stakes feel much more fleshed out and higher. It’s something they all want, for a variety of reasons. Alina didn’t get that until halfway through the series at least, as she was fighting herself. Also, Alina’s want is mostly Mal, which is strengthen by the fact that he’s an amplifier, but for me that doesn’t feel as deep as the crows wants and needs. Finally, Shadow and Bone is about someone learning to become Grisha—Six of Crows says fuck that, we’re all equal here, and makes a fulfilling story and plot with several Grisha and non-Grisha, challenging the world view that was presented in Shadow and Bone.

And now for King of Scars and Rule of Wolves. We're focused on two people who need each other to survive logistically (for ruling the country), but romantically it has to be pushed into the background of their lives. It's not the one sided pining of Alina for Mal, nor the denial we see with all three of the relationships in SOC. There is denial, but their positions of power add depth to their reasons why they can't be together, with logistical issues (Nikolai having to marry a princess) getting in the way, instead of just feelings. We see a little bit of that logistical issue for Mal and Alina in the first book (the letters never sent) and are introduced to Matthias and Nina as being separated due to Nina, but the fact that Zoya and Nikolia literally use the rumors about them to protect Nikolai but actually can't be together? Ouch. And again, we're hit with the Grisha and non-Grisha being on equal footing, but not just as criminals--as royalty. The circumstances for their relationship have been elevated.

I will say I don't find KoS and RoW as poetic as SOC, but that doesn't mean it's not well written. Her dialogue was always good, and it continues to be great as the books go. Where Bardugo really shines is in being able to play with characters we've already met, and really dig deep into them. We've seen Zoya grow from the sidelines, and then she makes her literally more badass that Alina was. Nikolai accepts his darkenss and monster. The Darkling actually has an ending that feels more satisfying than if he was just killed, because we thought we already got that! And Nina? Her relationship with Matthias actually grows in the reader's eyes postmortem. Even minor characters, like Adrik and Leoni, Tamar and Tolya, and David and Genya! She really gave herself the space to flesh out these characters and let them grow as people who've survived one war and don't want another.

I will say I loved that Zoya accepted queenhood as a Suli queen, but it could have been gone into more, instead of hinted at a few times. (Also, I'm a mixed, white passing brown woman, so I identified with her in those few moments.) And Nikolai's choice to step down and do what we're introduced to him as (an adventurer) is perfect. This book shines because the ending speaks for itself and ties up a lot of loose ends.

In all, SOC and CK are my favorite. I'm sure I could find other things, but I wrote most of this at work in early December and then found it again in the new year and added the part about RoW and KoS. Bardugo's growth through the series is evident, and I wholly recommend rereading them all in order if you haven't.

[linaket]

WBW: The Neither

So apparently it is World Building Wednesday here on writeblr! I'm still pretty new so I don't have as much on here about my stories for people to ask about, but sometimes my brain writes entire essays about aspects of my story/world and well... why not actually write them and share? I started doing this in my author comments to some extent when I was posting Act III of SP on Tapas, but there is... a character limit.

This is obviously not an actual structured essay, I don't have the discipline for that anymore, but... its a lot of thoughts that are somewhat organized about a single world building aspect for the Lifrasir Universe, which both (all?) of my projects take place in.

My askbox is open if you have any general questions, as well! I will try to answer, or maybe it'll be something that gives me an idea for a longer thing and I can continue doing this or something like it for WBW.

I've tried to keep this as spoiler-free as possible, but some things are bound to slip through in order to talk about it.

The Neither

The Neither is an actual place in Shadow's Prey, but it also plays double duty as a metaphor for Kanna's dissociative symptoms related to PTSD. (CW embedded in that statement, though nothing is mentioned in detail here.)

As Place

illustration of Kanna facing a version of herself in the Neither, from Act I of Shadow's Prey. by @jwhitnee

The Neither is called such because it is between "here" and "there" but isn't either one. It is a plane that exists between the living and the dead, between the real and what comes after. Haru describes it once as "the throat of the universe." If time and space are shaped like an hour glass, it is the pinch point where the sand filters through.

The people of Lifrasir have no true conception of what happens when they die beyond that they go to a place that cannot be reached or breached. What happens after death is beyond them. This belief, if one wants to call it that, comes from the fact that the gods of Lifrasir died long ago, and nothing of their powers has been seen since. The Neither is the gate that a soul passes through, but it isn't actually a place or concept that is known or spoken of in the world.

Kanna is inherently linked with the Neither due to her abilities as a "shadow" loa. Unfortunately, this means that she feels every death. This isn't really something she thinks about--it is like the sensation of breathing to her. However, those that die by her hand are felt more keenly because she is tuned into the act.

People are not meant to traverse the Neither. However, Kanna drags Osawa bodily through the space momentarily, and when he returns to the "real" world his abilities are modified. Kanna and by extension Haru are immune to this effect.

At one point it is implied that Kanna created the Neither. This is partially true. After experiencing a traumatic shock, Kanna unconsciously created a kind of pocket dimension within the Neither.

As Metaphor

illustration from Act I of Shadow's Prey. by @jwhitnee

Ghostlike versions of Kanna roam the Neither, referred to as echoes. They are from different times of her life, each holding parts of her fractured memory.

Kanna first visits the Neither in Act I via projection. Because she no longer has her memories at that time, she is unaware of where she is or what is happening. Therefore the Neither, which operates on a kind of dream logic, is seemingly out her of control.

Memory in Shadow's Prey works by association. For instance: the first thing Kanna regains is the memory of who she is--but in a factual, logical sense. She knows her titles and those of her companions, as well as a wikipedia-like rundown of her past. However, she does not have the context, such as the memories of events themselves or any emotional connection to them.

As the story progresses, the ways that Kanna interracts with the Neither also change. As Kanna regains her agency, she also begins to regain control of the Neither and the memories that reside within it. Unfortunately... to get more into detail on that gets into spoiler territory...

Read Shadow's Prey on: [ TAPAS | ROYAL ROAD | NEOVEL | WATTPAD ] Support me on Ko-Fi

[asenvs3000fall24]

Unit 06

"There is no peculiar merit in ancient things, but there is merit in integrity, and integrity entails the keeping together of the parts of any whole, and if these parts are scattered throughout time, then the maintenance of integrity entails a knowledge, a memory, of ancient things. …. To think, feel or act as though the past is done with, is equivalent to believing that a railway station through which our train has just passed, only existed for as long as our train was in it."

Edward Hyams provides an engaging reflection the relationship between past and present. This quote above describes that even although something may be ancient, it does that mean that his has value. He defines integrity as "the keeping together of the parts of any whole,". This implies that real integrity has to mean more than just holding on to parts of history. Integrity involves maintaining a flow throught past to present , which is what he means by the"whole". Since this "whole" being discussed are "scattered through time,", everything in our lives including our way of life are constructed by past experiences. In order to keep this integrity, it's important to stay connected to our experiences from the past and present and remeber our origins.

The train station metaphor that Hyams uses underlines how pointless it can be by holding on too much to the past. Just because the train leaves the station does not mean the train station doesn't exist anymore, just like how just because whatever has happened in the past is not happening anymore does not mean that it never happened. Wether people admit it or not, our past shapes who we are. To dismiss it as "done with" or over with makes people lose touch of the bigger picture, which shapes present and future events.

All in all, the author urges people to gain a better understanding on how all periods of time are connected to one another. In this quote, past and present are not singular moments in time, rather they are one connected story. The old is valuable because it is part of the back story of what is the new. With this, he underlines the need to approach our hisotry not so much as nostalgia but more to remember it, glorify it, and teach that it is a part of us because it has gone through generations.

[shesey]

Excerpts from God Human Animal Machine by Meghan O'Gieblyn

Schoolteachers routinely described me as "absentminded," an exceedingly odd phrase that confuses total absoprtion in thought with having no thought at all.

'Life has no meaning a priori... it is up to you to give it meaning.' But I didn't want to give life some private meaning. I wanted meaning to exist in the world.

My philosophy of life shifted with each book I read, and these transient beliefs rarely found expression in my actions in the world.

To conceive of my selfhood as a pattern suggested that there was, embedded in the meat of my body, some spark that would remain unspoiled even as my body aged - that might even survive death.

But then again, aren't all creative undertakings rooted in processes that remain mysterious to the creator? Artists have long understood that making is an elusive endeavor, one that makes the artiest porous to larger forces that seem to arise from outside herself. The philosopher Gillian Rose once described the act of writing as a a mix of discipline and miracle, which leaves you in control, even when what appears on the page has emerged from regions beyond your control.

At what point do you, the creator, lose control?

Reality is, that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

The most baffling phenomenon in quantum physics, the measurement problem, suggests that the physicist changes, or perhaps conjures, the quantum world simply by observing it.

People find it very difficult, he said, to accept the entirely random and inconsequential nature of our existence.

Such a strange coincidence. It was one of many doublings, as I had called them... I often experience echoes of this sort - images, names, or motifs that repeat themselves across the span of a few days, such that the world seems imbued with a discernible pattern. Sometimes an image I dreamed would reappear the next day in waking life. When I was will a Christian, these moments were rich with meaning, one of the many ways I believed that God spoke to me, but now they seemed arbitrary and pointless. Coincidences are in most cases a mental phenomenon: the patterns exist in the mind, not in the world.

Ideas do not just come out of nowhere. They are genetic, geographical. His quest to understand free will, he wrote, was an attempt to come to terms with my actions. What I took from my reading is that I am less free than I feel I am. Myriad events and predispositions influence me.

The human condition, Kierkegaard writes, is defined by intense subjectivity. We are irrational creatures who cannot adequately understand our own actions or explain them in terms of rational principles.

... How much of our science and philosophy has been colored by the justification of shitty men?

Is the mind a reliable mirror of reality? Do the patterns we per99ceive belong to the objective world, or are they merely features of our subjective experience?

Metaphors... are spectacles that allow us to see the chaotic world in a way that makes sense to our human minds.

Other works of simulation theology propose how individuals should live in order to maximize their chances of resurrection. Try to be as interesting as possible, one argues. Stay close to famous people, or become a celebrity yourself. The more fascinating and unique you manage to be, the more inclined the programmers will be to hang on to your software and resurrect it.

We should recognize metaphors for what they are: crude attempts to elucidate concepts that are still beyond our understanding.

I could not help but feeling that such coincidences were imbued with meaning - signs from the universe- though I knew this was unlikely, particularly when considered from a statistical standpoint.

Our brains have evolved to detect patterns and attribute significance to events that are entirely random... this tendency is probably hypertrophied in writers, who are constantly seeing the world in terms of narrative. In fact, for a while, encountering this very sintiment in books became yet another doubling in my life. When I am absorbed in writing a novel, reality starts twisting to reflect and informs everything I've been thinking about in my work, Ottessa Moshfegh notes in an essay. Virginia Woolf, writing in her diary in 1933, expressed essentially the same thing: What odd coincidence! that real life should provide precisely the situation I am writing about!

Personal essays are often dismissed as unserious or egotistical, a criticism of which I am reminded each time my finger catches on the "I," the only letter that has come loose from my computer keyboard, presumably from overuse. In the past, I'd resolved more than once to write straight journalism or criticism, objective forms that require no personal angle. But each time I tried, something odd happened. At some point in the writing process, I got stuck; I could not get the ideas to come together or the argument to take form - or rather, the argument kept changing. When writing in this divested way, in the realm of pure and unmediated ideas, anything is possible, and the possibilities overwhelmed me. I became too conscious of the words themselves and the fact that I could manipulate them endlessly, the way numbers can be manipulated apart from any concrete referent. I suppose I came to see language the way that machines regard information, as a purely formal structure of symbols without meaning. In each instance the only way out of the impasse was to put the "I" back into the story. As soon as I began binding the ideas to myself and my lived experience, it became possible again to create cogent arguments. The words became conduits for meaning instead of empty vessels that were themselves the whole show."

But I could not help feeling that this experience contained the larger truth. For me, the "I" was not an expression of hubris but a necessary limitation. It was a way to narrow my frame of reference and acknowledge that I was speaking from a particular location, from that modest and grounded place we call "point of view."

There is no Archimedean point, no purely objective vista that allows us to transcend our human interests and see the world from above, as we once imagined it appeared to God. It is our distinctive vantage that binds us to the world and sets the necessary limitations that are required to make sense of it.

The most disquieting ideas rarely present themselves as immediately convincing.

Perhaps this could explain the existence of evil: sin and suffering were simply errors in the code that could not be corrected without significantly disrupting the system.

But the endpoint of this logic- that it's possible to think oneself into insanity - would seem to fly in the face of modern psychiatry, and perhaps physicalism itself, which insists that the full range of human behavior is reducible to chemical imbalances and misfiring synapses. Is it naive to grant the mind such power over the body? Is it only in Russian novels that a person is driven to madness after encountering some new philosophy? Why is the only plausible explanation for an obsession the imbalance of neurotransmitters or depressed nerve centers - why could I not have been driven to the same ends by an idea?

I felt its power most often in my writing, where I've learned that intuition can solve problems more efficiently than logical inference.

The poet, too, is not nearly so concerned with describing facts as with creating images.

How freeing it is to surrender to the purity of unqualified belief.

People become trapped within the mirror of their digital reflection... "algorithmic determinism."

Faith, based on mercy and forgiveness, contradicts his innate human sense of justice.

But he cannot consent to a system that contradicts his human sense of justice. And what his instincts tell him is that harmony and redemption come at too high a price. I renounce the higher harmony altogether, he declares, It's not worth the tears of that one tortured child... I don't want harmony. From love for humanity, I don't want it... I would rather remain with my unavenged suffering and unsatisfied indignation, even if I were wrong.

Our mistrust of the future sometimes made it hard to give up the past.

[mmm-amba]

getting older

in the last few months i've had moments that make me feel grateful for getting older. and it's funny because i'm 22, and that's still really young. but anyway if i may indulge myself, here is what i've enjoyed about getting "older".

i can better understand my parents. i had a fight with my dad today, and it was a painful fight. i got to see the coldness and meanness that my dad tries to keep tightly under wraps. and even though he was speaking hurtfully to me, it somehow comforted me to learn where my meanness and coldness comes from.

my meanness and coldness has an origin! it isn't something that's inherent to my character. it was something i picked up from my dad, who probably picked it up from my crazy nainai who is super mean. someone said about me that i have outbursts, and that was the exact word my dad used to describe his own moods. he was justifying his outbursts because many things didn't go his way this morning. but he self-described those moods as outbursts.

we really do end up like our parents, don't we?

this fight was annoying and stupid and, i guess, pretty typical for immigrant parents and their children. and i don't want to say like oh here's the silver lining to the fight or like here's the moral of the story. because i hate fights, i hate when people lose sense of reason and basic kindness. and i know my dad can't change his communication style -- that isn't me being pessimistic, it's just supported by a lot of evidence namely my parents' relationship with each other.

but somehow the fight answered a question with which i've been struggling to answer. recently, i've wondered why i always hold people away from me, keeping them slightly away at arm's reach. if someone gets too close or things don't exactly go my way -- boom, "outburst".

and there are things my mom have done to contribute to this, and ways in which past friendships have influenced me, but i realized today that this trait might as well be "genetic" to my dad's side of the family. okay, not literally genetic, but some personality traits in families can be so prevalent to be metaphorically genetic, right?

so this soothed my heart deeply to know that this negative quality that i've noticed (and that other people have also noticed, haha) is not a problem at my core. it isn't a problem in my soul, if that makes sense? it's a problem passed down through the generations, but it doesn't define me.

and i also got to understand my mom better. she has her flaws, innumerably many, but i realize how much superhuman strength that it takes to withstand the coldness on my dad's side.

so the next part of my reflections is about the strengths gifted to me by my parents. in the last quarter, i noticed myself bringing up my dad many times. i would talk about how he prepared breakfast for my brother and me; how he would drive me everywhere after school like track meets and debate and volunteering; how he pushed me to be able to get into a good college. i didn't expect to bring up my dad so often (maybe like weekly?) in casual conversation with people i had just met.

the strengths that i have from my mom are kind of magical. magical, uncanny... genetic, even? i don't have many memories of my mom but somehow, i've carried on many of her strengths despite not really being around her.

my leadership ability is maybe 80% from my mom, 20% from my dad. the stuff my dad taught me is more political -- things like maintaining order and making meticulous notes of meetings so that everyone is in agreement.

but my mom is able to move mountains in her company because she brings people together. everyone likes her and has an individual reason to do their individual jobs well. the countless times when i have facilitated meetings or spoke in front of crowds or coordinated a large group of people for some event... those moments came naturally to me. it's intuitive and i get in the flow zone. in the moments, i wasn't trying to be like my mom because i didn't know her the way her coworkers knew her. but i'm just saying, we both have a natural gift for manipulating people to do our bidding. haha.

my mom is also first-generation college student. out of necessity, she's always been good at money things like working side jobs and somehow making things work. i wouldn't say that i'm good with money -- i mean, my parents and i fell for the biggest scam of our LIVES which was a private liberal arts education. but i had 2+ jobs for like 2.5 years in school? and i found different ways to get money here and there. and i mean, i went to oxford for FREE over the summer. no fuck that, i was PAID to go to oxford for the summer! so me and my mom, i would say we're pretty nifty smart in that way.

so yeah. understanding my parents and understanding myself have been hand-in-hand. i feel comforted in acknowledging the origins of my strengths and weaknesses!

[bowie-boy]

please tell me how the narrator is a trans man

@originalpatrolsheep @undeadbreeze I’m @ing you here because I actually received this ask first!

FIGHT CLUB SPOILERS BELOW

Without further ado, here is my explanation as to how Fight Club is a trans metaphor!

The Narrator is a trans man

At the beginning of the film, the narrator is an insomniac and is wildly depressed. He can’t sleep. He starts visiting a center for men with testicular cancer. This is where he meets Bob, a man with no testicles and with breasts. Despite this, Bob is still seen as a man. It’s only in Bob’s arms that the Narrator, saying “We are still men,” can cry and therefore sleep. The Narrator feels gender euphoria when he is with Bob, a cis man with feminine features who is still considered male.

Everything changes when Marla Singer, a woman, begins to attend the same centers as the Narrator. It is only when she arrives that the Narrator feels like an impostor there and becomes hyperaware of his own lies amongst the people at the centers. Therefore, the Narrator cannot cry anymore and can no longer sleep. (In real life, some trans people may feel uncomfortable spending time with those that are the opposite gender as them for fear of being seen as part of that group and getting misgendered, which is partially what I believe spooks the Narrator here.)

Marla Singer represents the Narrator’s relationship with his own femininity, something he unwillingly ties to his dysphoria. Despite his love-hate relationship with her throughout the film, she remains one of his staunchest allies and is perhaps the only thing keeping him grounded in who he is and who he used to be throughout the film.

Shortly after meeting Marla, the Narrator meets (creates) Tyler Durden. Tyler describes himself to the Narrator later in the film: “All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look. I fuck like you wanna fuck. I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.” Trans much? Tyler Durden is the idealized cis man, the prototype for masculinity that everyone in society is fed at an early age. (These representations affect and even especially affect trans men.) Tyler is the standard that the Narrator’s internalized transphobia makes him feel like he must live up to, or else he isn’t a real man.

The Narrator’s relationship with Tyler eventually leads to the creation of Fight Club, a hub of toxic masculinity that attracts all sorts of men. All of them have one thing in common—they want to prove themselves. Tyler repeatedly says that the men in Fight Club are “the most manly men” he has ever seen, a wonderfully effective way for the Narrator to validate himself. What’s more, no women are allowed. The Narrator doesn’t have to face his own femininity in Fight Club, and he doesn’t have to face that side of his dysphoria.

It’s around this point in the movie that Tyler and Marla become involved in a sexual relationship. This is symbolic in itself in the sense that the Narrator’s internalized transphobia is “dominating” his femininity and dysphoria. Even more important is the fact that the Narrator can never see Tyler and Marla in the same room. This is because, to the Narrator, they cannot coexist. The Narrator can no longer comprehend his masculinity and his femininity coexisting in him. He can deal with one or the other at one time, but he forgets that he can have both at once. The Narrator himself believes that neither is taking over his life and neither is being lost. This is what ultimately leads to his downfall.

(This is a little unrelated but it’s important to note that the solution of Tyler and toxic masculinity never helps the Narrator sleep as well as the centers at the beginning of the film did. The Narrator learns that he was never sleeping when he was with Tyler, he was just taking on a new side of himself. Internalized transphobia also led the Narrator to self-harm in many ways (the chemical burn, the fighting, the car crash). Hypermasculinity was not a helpful solution.)

It’s at this point in the film that the ongoing symbol of testicles (I know it sounds silly but hear me out) shows up again. This time, testicles are not something trivial on a man that have nothing to do with his masculinity and maleness. They are used as a threat. Tyler and some members of his army meet up with an official in the city, someone who challenges their ability to destroy buildings and public works. Tyler makes the official an offer: he can save his city or he can save his balls. The official chooses the latter. This is incredibly telling, as the men the Narrator associated with at the beginning of the film had no choice but to remove their testicles. This didn’t make them any less manly in the eyes of the Narrator. Now, though, the Narrator’s own projected sense of internalized transphobia presents a strong message: testicles are important to your status as a man.

It’s shortly after this that the Narrator views Tyler Durden’s relationship with Angel Face, someone who can be described as nothing else but a pretty boy. Tyler, despite being the epitome of toxic and hypermasculinity, respects and adores the somewhat feminine Angel Face. How does the Narrator react? By beating Angel Face until he is bloody and fully disfigured. This represents the Narrator’s resentment of society’s treatment of trans men. The Narrator does not see himself in Angel Face the way that he once saw himself in Bob. He feels that cis men can easily balance femininity and masculinity, that these two things can coexist without an issue for them. For trans men, masculinity must win out, or else society (or at the very least internalized transphobia) will never accept them. Tyler drives the Narrator much harder than Angel Face with much less payoff, and so the Narrator must destroy Angel Face as revenge.

The Narrator seems to have everything he wants until Bob shows up in the film again. The Narrator asks Bob if he’s still attending the centers they met at, to which Bob replies no—he’s now joined Fight Club. At first, this is validating for the Narrator. Bob is feminine still, with no testicles and large breasts, but he’s still considered man enough for Fight Club. The Narrator more or less lets Tyler (AKA unchecked toxic masculinity) do what he likes with Bob. This ends with Bob getting killed. In fact, Bob’s brains are blown out as he tries to follow one of Tyler’s orders. Bob represented a chance at normalcy for the Narrator, proof that men with breasts and without balls were worth just as much as other men. But Bob dies at the hands of the Narrator’s toxic masculinity, and it is this event that leads the Narrator to realize just how much he’s lost to his own feelings of inadequacy.

It’s at this point that the Narrator starts to question his toxic masculinity and his internalized transphobia. He realizes that he’s no longer even himself anymore, just a copy-and-pasted blueprint of the man society has told him that he should be. He can’t recognize himself anymore, can’t keep track of what he really feels and what he only tries to, and he realizes that he needs to end his hypermasculinity before it’s too late.

There’s only one person the Narrator can turn to to get his old self back: Marla. He visits her, apologizing for his behavior towards her. He even tells her that deep down, he really really likes her. This is a big moment for the Narrator. He admits here that his feminine side isn’t something he despises, but rather something he fears getting close to. The other important thing is that Tyler, who was once sleeping with Marla and deeply invested in her, now views her as a threat. The Narrator’s femininity threatens to overtake his masculinity, his dysphoria and euphoria threaten to overrule his internalized masculinity. Tyler wants to destroy Marla, and the Narrator wants to protect her.

For the last time in this film, the symbol of testicles appears. This solidifies how far the Narrator has fallen, how deeply he’s lost himself to self-hatred and feelings of inadequacy. Upon trying to destroy Tyler’s plan, Tyler’s army of men turns on the Narrator and tells him they’re going to cut off his balls. To them and to Tyler, this represents that the Narrator has turned against his brothers, his maleness. The loss of his testicles will show this to everyone. The Narrator, horrified, manages to escape this fate, but without his pants. He spends the final act in his underwear, somewhat symbolic of the trans body he’s worked so hard to achieve and has spent so much of the film despising.

At last, the final fight of the film. The Narrator faces off with Tyler, and must attempt to regain control of his own head. The Narrator struggles at first, unable to accept the fact that him and his internalized transphobia are one in the same, and that he has the power to overrule it. Finally giving into himself, the consequences of his actions, and the messiness of gender and his own expression as a human being, the Narrator takes control and shoots himself. With this, Tyler dies, and so does the Narrator’s internalized transphobia. His toxic masculinity is no more. He’s given himself permission to display his masculinity as much as he wants, and in any way he wants. Internalized transphobia has power over him no more.

Marla then enters the room. She expresses concern for him, the simple Narrator she met at the beginning of the film now so torn up and injured. This is representative of the Narrator’s past pre-transition self looking at his most transitioned self. He’s bruised and broken, a lot different than before. But he insists that he’s okay, and he truly means it. The Narrator is now more himself than ever. It’s in this confidence that the Narrator’s takes Marla’s hand, finally accepting his own femininity, dysphoria, and the full scope of his gender expression. “You met me at a very strange time in my life.”

In a final image, the buildings all around the Narrator and Marla explode and collapse, leaving nothing behind. The Narrator could not stop this total destruction. But the film does not make this a sad moment. It’s rather somewhat wistful, perhaps even hopeful. The Narrator had to destroy himself in order to be reborn as his full and true self. A rebirth. Isn’t that was being trans is?

Thank you for the ask! I hope you enjoy my analysis :)

[poplinn]

Edward Hyde as a drug

So, finally read the strange case of dr jekyll and mr hyde today, and I read the story as a certain metaphor that I have not seen anyone else mention as of yet. So, buckle up dear reader, because I’m going to spill my findings about this metaphor, and this metaphor only, to you. 

Warning: This post is long, hence the ‘read more’ and contains spoilers for the entire story, in case you haven’t read it yet. 

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is a story about, and a metaphor for, drug abuse. This idea first came to me during Jekyll’s final statement of the case, the part where he talks about quitting Hyde for a period of 2 months, and how good it feels, but how he still misses and craves to be Hyde. It reminded me of someone who is in drug rehabilitation, trying to quit, but relapses after a while.  Thinking about this comparison I recalled the events in the story I had just read and found that there is a lot more to this metaphor than Jekyll’s final letter. 

Becoming Hyde, as Jekyll explains in his final letter, stems from Jekyll’s curiosity regarding the dual nature of man. His curiosity becomes experimentation with drugs and potions, which then turns into an unhealthy obsession with being Hyde, that eventually ends in his own demise. Often we see the same steps of progression with drugs. Someone might ‘just be curious’ about a drug or two, and this interest turns into an experimentation when they are offered a pill, cigarette or perhaps even a needle. Because just one time wouldn’t hurt, right? A vulnerable person can easily become hooked on these drugs and they may, at one point, realise they have gone too far, at which point they might attempt to quit. Though quitting drugs is not an easy task, and relapses are bound to happen. Eventually it can get so bad that this person ends up dying, most likely from an overdose, as a result from their own curiosity. Curiosity killed the cat drug addict/doctor, as they might say. Even Jekyll’s quote: “I knew well that I risked death [...] but temptation [...]  at last overcame the suggestions of alarm.”  Where he talks about making and drinking his potions to unlock becoming Hyde, but it also sounds awfully a lot like a person who has become dependent of drugs, knowing it could kill them but still risking it all in need of a hit, even if it turns out to be their last one. 

The enjoyment Henry gets from Edward is similar to the enjoyment of taking drugs, for some. This, especially, when Jekyll describes how it felt to be Hyde. “[...] and I came to myself as if out of a great sickness. There was something strange in my sensations, something indescribably new and, from its very novelty, incredibly sweet. I felt younger, lighter, happier in body [...]”  Which sounds very similar to the feeling someone could experience when taking drugs, moreso when they habitually take them and have grown dependent on them. 

Towards the end we see some examples Hyde’s / Jekyll’s erratic behaviour regarding drugs and the potion that he needs [how more on the nose could you be]. This impatient agitation exhibited by Jekyll, also towards Dr Lanyon having his items, reads like a drug addict desperately ‘needing’ their next hit, no matter the measures they have to take in order to receive it. 

Even how Jekyll sometimes wakes up as Edward Hyde is reminiscent of a hangover, or coming back to your senses after a trip. You start the night fairly normally, just like any other, and wake up as a different person with no recollection of the events of the prior night. Jekyll wakes up with a similar experience, having gone to bed like usually and waking up as Hyde, without knowing how it happened. 

Edward Hyde’s different, and frankly, uglier, appearance from Henry Jekyll can be connected to how drugs can alter someone’s looks. I’m sure you have seen those Public Service Announcements, or memes, that show us a set of people and what they looked like before and after their drug addiction, each having used a different kind. All of these people had their looks deteriorated so badly, some more than the other. It ties in with the hideousness of Jekyll when he becomes Hyde. Before Hyde, Jekyll is described/regarded as a well-liked, well-looking, although aged, and respectable gentleman, while Hyde, although much younger, is described to take on the looks of a troll, a demon trying its best to imitate a human, And we see that Jekyll’s health takes a decline whenever Hyde takes over. He even resorts to complete seclusion when it happens, although first thought to be a connection to depression, it’s more that he is ashamed of having “used” Hyde again. This especially because

Dr. Lanyon’s, Utterson’s and people in general’s reaction to Hyde. Dr Lanyon stopped being friends with Dr Jekyll because he ‘began to go wrong, wrong in the mind’ and started busying himself with ‘scientific heresy’. Drug users are often seen as ‘having gone down the wrong path’ much like Jekyll. Drug abuse is frequently a reason for friends and family to not have contact with someone anymore, despite still loving them. Those not closely related to Jekyll look upon Hyde with disdain. They would rather steer clear of him, and is said to be pure evil, despite these people not knowing him. This kind of perception of Hyde is almost similar to the stigma that surrounds drugs and its users, as they are often, unjustly so, demonised, even by strangers on the streets. And even though they need help more than judgements, these strangers discard and vilify them as the scum of the earth and would not turn their heads when one of them ends up dead in the gutter, like how strangers on the streets, including an actual doctor, would kill Hyde more than anything. 

For these oints, and likely more that I have yet to find, I believe that the Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde can be interpreted as a story about a spiralling obsession and eventual demise of a drug addict. 

- Thank you for reading -

[herinsectreflection]

I want to talk about this scene, from Bargaining when Willow kills the fawn. You might guess from my icon that I am a big fan of this scene. It's pretty short but it sets the stage for Willow's arc throughout S6 excellently.

It opens with her in this gorgeous riverside greenery, dressed in pure white, the very picture of fairytale innocence, bathed in bright sunlight. It's such an unusual shot for the show, which almost exclusively either has shots inside or at night (for obvious reasons of being a vampire show), and that immediately makes it quite memorable. Especially as the rest of the episode is almost entirely set at night, filled with demon bikers, dismemberment, fire, broken down towers and digging out of graves. It's like this little meditative moment of peace in between all that.

Or, it would be if it didn't include a teensy little animal sacrifice.

WILLOW: Adonai, Helomi, Pine. Adonai, Helomi, Pine. The gods do command thee from thy majesty. O Mappa Laman, Adonai, Helomi.

Willow says her words and summons forth a young fawn from the trees. The fawn is another symbol of innocence, like Willow's white dress. As she reaches out and and touches the animal gently, we're reminded of the soft innocent Willow of S1, who shied away from any conflict and seemed incapable of ever hurting a fly. She's like a disney princess, sitting in the woods singing to woodland animals. Only Snow White never stabbed Bambi in the heart.

The entire plot of the previous season revolved around the blood sacrifice of a child. This is what Glory was trying to achieve, and it's what Buffy has to stop. Buffy gives her life in order to stop it. And now, Willow recreates the same event, performing the blood sacrifice what is specifically an animal child. She steps into the role that the previous season's Big Bad performed, and so tells us that this season, she is stepping into the role of Big Bad. The fawn fills the role of Dawn - the situations rhyme as well as the names do.

Fun fact - the words that Willow uses are taken from The Book of Ceremonial Magic, a 1910 book that compiled various grimoires. In this passage, describing an invocation to request something from God, Adonai/Helomi/Pine are the names of angels - specifically the angels of the East, who appear in human form dressed in lily white according to this passage - another link to Willow's costume here. The invocation seems to involve requesting these angels to appear to the caster in an intelligible form.

ADONAI, HELOMI, PINE, Whom you obey, do invoke, conjure and entreat thee, N., that thou wilt appear forthwith. By the virtue and power of the same God I do command thee from thine order or place of abode to come unto me and skew thyself plainly here before me in thine own proper shape and glory, speaking in a voice intelligible to mine understanding.

In this case, Willow is symbolically killing an actual angel of heaven, which is probably pretty high up on the villainy scale. Just drives home the fundamental Wrongness of this scene. It's also good to remember that the idea of killing one to save other(s) is a theme returned to again and again throughout the show, and the first major example of that theme in action is a certain Angel.

(Credit to this user on BuffyBoards for finding the source of these words.)

So the fawn is Dawn, and the fawn is an angel. But most importantly of all - the fawn is Buffy. Willow, in her attempts to bring Buffy back to life, first has to kill "Buffy".

WILLOW: Come forward, Blessed one. Know your calling.

The fawn is described as having a "calling" that it must "know", just as Buffy has a calling of her own, which over the course of many seasons she learns to know and accept (and eventually revolutionise and reject). It is also described as "Blessed", which in some definitions is taken to mean "one who is with God in heaven". Buffy at this point is literally in heaven (or at least some kind of heaven dimension, the theology is gratefully vague). The structure of the phrase "Blessed one" also reminds of the more relevant phrase - "Chosen One", which again would be Buffy. The spell ingredient, which we know is the fawn's blood, is called "vino de madre" - wine of the mother, implying a feminine source of power, just like The Slayer.

WILLOW: Accept our humble gratitude for your offering. In death ... you give life. May you find wings to the kingdom. In death, you give life. You might say that death... is your gift... yeah, so this really drives it home for me. Using death to give life is literally what Buffy has just done. It was core to her arc last season. And finally the "wings to the kingdom" line again plays into that heaven imagery. S6 loves this kind of imagery for Buffy, even giving her angel wings in one of the most delightfully on-the-nose shots in the show.

Buffy gave her life to give Dawn one, and with it gave a warning about the struggles of life - "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.". This is sad but lovely advice that Buffy herself must now spend S6 gradually learning to understand herself. She learns how to deal with the crushing despair of day-to-day existence. Willow, as the Big Bad of this season, doesn't understand this advice at all. For years now, Willow has used magic as a short-cut to avoid actually dealing with her emotions (see Lover's Walk, Something Blue, Tough Love). This goes into overdrive in S6, and it starts with her desperation to bring Buffy back to avoid really dealing with the reality of her death.

In fact it goes beyond magic - Willow is also the one who uses her tech knowledge to bring the Buffybot back online. She uses all her skills to desperately fill in the hole that Buffy has left behind. This is what Willow does, magic or no. And it's sympathetic - my heart breaks every time she talks about fearing where Buffy might have ended up - but it's not totally rational or healthy either. The main problem is that Willow, in doing this, is ignoring Buffy's final words, and misunderstanding the central theme.

As said earlier, by performing this blood sacrifice of a child, Willow is betraying the memory of Buffy, who died to stop one. (Symbolically of course. Morally there are light years between killing an animal and killing a teenager). Buffy gave her life to stop a blood sacrifice, and so Willow reverses the process - causing a blood sacrifice to give Buffy her life. And she betrays Buffy's final words with her refusal to accept the pain of life and live with it. And finally, she betrays Buffy spiritually.

Remember that Willow is Buffy's metaphorical Spirit, as shown in Primeval. It is a special kind of betrayal that Buffy's Spirit breaks her spiritually in this season. She literally rips her soul out of eternal bliss and contentment, causing an existential break within her. She beseeches the fawn/Buffy to find "wings to the kingdom", but in doing so robs Buffy of her wings.

Buffy suffers brutal depression this season, and describes it many times as feeling dead inside. This kind of emotional deadness is caused directly by her ressurection (though severely exacerbated by her unresolved trauma, grief over Joyce, and generally just living under capitalism). Willow has tried to give death to bring life, but because the action is a betrayal of Buffy on many levels, the act is tainted, and perverted, like a wish on a monkey's paw. She literally kills metaphorical Buffy, and so metaphorically kills literal Buffy. Buffy has life, but said life is causing a kind of death within her.

And what does Willow get for all this? Her pain isn't fixed by all this. She just gets blood on her hands (and later on her face). It sets off a chain of events that will end with far more blood on Willow's hands. She dips a toe into a darkness, but because she doesn't understand fully the emotions that have taken her there, she can't exert any control over it. She doesn't learn a lesson here that she shouldn't try to shape the world to deal with her emotions. Instead, she learns that she has power over life and death.

Willow is clearly deeply shaken by this, but it's not nearly enough to make her change her path. She ignores the very obvious foreshadowing here - her hands literally coated in blood - and carries on anyway. She takes the wrong lessons from this moment, which she clearly demonstrates in her argument with Giles in Flooded, where she ignores his anger over how she's warped the rules of nature, and instead focuses on how awesome she is ("The magicks I used are very powerful. I'm very powerful. And maybe it's not such a good idea for you to piss me off.")

This is a small scene, but it sets up so much for Willow. It shows how far she has come from the meek girl of S1. And it shows a glimpse of the future, how she has far to go but is now on a path to become the villain she is at the end of S6. She starts it by killing metaphorical Buffy in order to save her, and will end it by trying to kill actual Buffy in order to emotionally "save" her. At every point she can justify the blood on her hands as serving some greater purpose - but the blood is still there.