#though I wish I had that kind of energy for my projects lol

[galpal95]

Sometimes I wonder if I actually like drawing/writing or if it’s the depression+adhd combo. Cause I want to do those things but the minute I sit down and try to I can literally feel all motivation flee my soul. 🙃

[icewindandboringhorror]

recent lounging babey images

[sanguineterrain]

Hi again 😊 You suggested i could send another prompt, sooo… maybe you & Jason have been together awhile, and you’re kidnapped by (choose your villain) and Jason is worried and frantic but trying to not show it of course, and negotiating for your safety? Ends up rescuing you of course, in whichever way you prefer, and then they find comfort in each-other 💗

I haven’t had time or energy to work on my WIP lately so this is very lovely and gratifying 😂👌🏻💗

aghh that's the worst! wishing you luck on your wip!! i'm glad you like these <3 requests are open for jason, dick, and MAWS!clark kent btw!

this one is very batfam focused hehehe. ft dramatic ass jason and his surprise kidnapped fiancé lol.

jason todd x gn!reader. tw: violence, kidnapped reader, reader is pushed off a building for a moment but they're okay dw <3, batfam feels, jason being a protective bf, bruce being a GOOD DAD! c:

****

"Actually, if we're being honest, if anyone has the most trauma in this family, it's—"

Batman grunts. "Really, Spoiler, not now."

The comm line crackles as Stephanie sniffs. "Fine. Stay in denial."

"Bats."

Every bat and bird in Gotham goes still.

"Hood?" Barbara asks carefully, already tracking his comm link.

"Oracle," he says, clipped. "I'm gonna get right to it: I need a favor. Can you help? Yes or no."

"Little Wing, where have you been?" Dick asks. "We've all—"

"Shut up, Nightwing," Jason growls. "Either you help me or not. Which is it?"

"We'll help you, Hood," Bruce says, voice washing over Jason like a balm.

Jason takes a deep breath. It's okay. He'll find you. Batman always beats the bad guys.

He fiddles with his jacket zipper. Moments tick by. Dick remains crouched on a rooftop. Damian is similarly poised.

"My..." Jason swallows. "My... fiancé's been taken."

The comm explodes with noise. Jason winces and digs the bud out of his ear for several seconds.

"Fiancé?!"

"You're getting married—"

"When was this—"

"Who are—"

"Enough," Jason growls, finally shoving the bud back into his ear. "I don't have fucking time for this. Yes, I am engaged, and they've been taken. No more questions."

"Tt. You are engaged? Impossible. Batman, clearly someone has hacked the line pretending to be Hood," Damian says, folding his arms.

Jason rolls his eyes. "Believe it or not, demon bird, I found someone crazy enough to marry me."

"Little Wing, I—I'm really proud of—"

"Shut up!" Jason pinches the bridge of his nose. This was a bad idea. You're in trouble, and Jason intends to tear Gotham apart to find you, but involving his family? Has he really stooped so low...

Deep breath. His focus is you. You're the only person that matters.

"Look, I'm telling you because Oracle's tracking me anyway, and B would snoop until he figured out who I'm really looking for, so it's easier to just tell you. But make no mistake: you aren't my family, and you won't see us again after tonight."

Bruce's throat tightens. His cape flutters in the wind.

"Very well," he says after a couple beats. "Last known location?"

"I'm sending you the address now. I've retraced my steps a hundred times though, and I can't—" Jason grits his teeth. He can't tear up or break things, not again. "Fuck. I can't fucking find them, B. I... I don't know if-if maybe I'm too late—"

"You're not," Dick says automatically. "We'll find them, Little Wing. We'll bring them home."

****

Your head is on fire.

It feels like there's a thousand needles pelting your skull. Whatever you were drugged with, it's hard stuff, and it hasn't worn away yet.

You look up; you're gagged and tied to some kind of support beam. As your vision clears, you see that you're in one of the new high rise-in-progress. Only the skeleton of the building has been completed because if Bruce Wayne isn't involved, construction takes forever to complete.

Faintly, you recall Jason mentioning something about a construction company leaving half finished projects across the country and using them as havens for criminal activities.

Yeah. This is not good.

"Where the fuck is he?" The voice echoes across the concrete floor foundation.

"Mike, we sent—"

"I don't give a fuck what you did; obviously, you screwed up! He's not coming!"

You close your eyes, trying not to throw up on your gag. Your head spins when you open your eyes again.

Who's not coming? Your rescuer? Or somebody worse than your kidnappers?

You try to take a deep breath, but your chest tightens instead.

"Fine," Mike barks in the adjacent room. "If that hooded psychopath doesn't show up, we'll just dump this one. That'll send a message. Prepare the explosives."

A door swings open, and you flinch. You cower, shrinking from the figure.

"You better hope he shows," the guy growls, and cocks his gun. "Your boyfriend is the only reason you're still alive. It'll be such fun to watch him fall to his death, don't you think?"

You try not to show your swelling panic. How does he know about you and Jason? And you have to warn him. Explosives. Jason's walking straight into a trap, without backup, because you know he'll be alone. He always works alone.

Mike sneers and waves the gun around.

"Oh, yeah. I know your secrets. In bed with Gotham's biggest crime lord. You must be his favorite. I can see why."

"Mike!" someone shouts. "We got company!"

Mike's eyes blaze cruelly. "Showtime. You're coming with me."

You thrash as hard as you can because if there's one thing Jason taught you, it's to always fight back.

Mike backhands you hard enough to send you sprawling. Your hands are bound, so you can't catch yourself, and you hit your head on the concrete. Blood pools in your gums.

"Try that shit again, bitch," he snarls, and hefts you up.

He drags you up a flight of stairs. Your head throbs, and now your jaw aches. You're too dizzy to try to fight back again.

You end up on the roof, which is a miasma of beams and wooden lattices. Wind cuts through your face, and you close your eyes so they don't water.

"Hood!" Mike crows. "Wonderful of you to join us!"

"Wish I could say the same," Jason says, and your heart leaps at the sound of his voice.

You start to shout through your gag because you have to warn him. It's a trap, he'll kill you both—

Mike wraps his arm around your throat and squeezes. Air stops, and you choke on your cries.

"I'll kill you," Jason snarls, and you know he wants to say more, but he's trying to protect you. "Let them go and maybe I won't break every bone in your body."

"Oh, don't worry. You two will be reunited soon. What is it they say? Love blinds you?"

"Michael Cassidy," a new voice says, deep and deadly. "Let go of the hostage. We can talk this out."

You crack open your eyes. Is that... Batman? And Robin? And... Nightwing? What—

The arm around your throat tightens and you gasp for air as you start to choke for real. Oh God. Batman's going to die because of you.

"You involved Batman?" Mike snarls, now truly irate. You feel yourself being dragged backward, toward the edge. Your stomach rolls in warning.

"Take it easy," Batman says, palms up. "We can work this out."

"You can't play fair?" Mike shouts. "Then neither will I!"

The wood beneath your feet is gone. You're falling.

"No!"

But no sooner than you fall are you caught. Warm arms encircle your waist, and you're jerked to a stop before you can fall more than a few feet.

"I got you, baby, I got you."

Jason is connected to a grapple. At the roof edge is Batman, Nightwing, and Spoiler, all holding the grapple.

You shake your head, screaming against your gag. Bomb. Bomb!

"'S alright, 's alright, sweetheart, I won't drop you."

You scream urgently through your gag, butting your head against his helmet. Jason pulls your gag half free and you choke out the warning.

"B-bomb!"

His grip tightens. "Shit. B, get out of here! Place is rigged to blow!"

The first explosion goes off. Jason meets your gaze. He's terrified, you can tell, but he tries to mask it.

"Let go," he says.

"Wh—"

"He'll catch you," Jason promises. "I trust him."

And then he lets go.

Several more explosions go off. The building begins to crumble. Dust and heat sweep across your face and lodge in your already sore throat. You scream, in the air for a few more seconds.

Then you crash into gray body armor. A cowl, a cape.

"It's alright," Batman gruffly says. "Hold on tight."

Batman swings you both to safety on an adjacent rooftop. You watch him dive back into the flames. It isn't long before Jason swings out of the smoke, then the others. He pulls off his helmet and tosses it to the side, arms open.

You run and bury your face in Jason's neck, clinging to him. He hugs your tightly and rubs your back, saying over and over, I got you.

You sigh and slacken out of exhaustion.

"I've got you, baby," he says, though his voice is wet this time. "You're safe."

Jason checks over your wounds. You see the rage cross his face several times at every bruise and cut on you. He doesn't let go of you even after he's done. He's shaking too, perhaps more than you, as he cuts your binds and completely removes your gag.

The Bats land gracefully behind you. Jason stiffens as they do.

You kiss his jaw. His gaze returns to you.

"You saved me," you say.

"I always will," he says. "Always."

"Are either of you injured?"

Batman suddenly swishes to your side. You blink, startled.

"Nothing serious," you say. Jason grunts unhappily at that. You manage a smile. "Thank you. All of you. Thank you so much."

Jason nods stiffly. "Thanks, Bats."

Nightwing smiles, face soft with affection. "'Course, Hood. And, uh, Hood's fiancé. We're there any time you need us."

"That's right, chum," Batman says. The obvious care in his voice makes you ache.

Jason had called his family. His family with whom he has a plethora of problems. He'd called them for you.

"Jay," you say, voice thick with emotion. He seems to understand instantly.

"I'll always bring you home," he vows, cupping your face. "Whatever it takes."

He pulls you to him like he can't bear to be away from you any longer.

You squeeze his wrists. "I know. It's okay, Jay. I'm okay."

Out of the corner of your eye, you see that the Bats still have not dispersed. Spoiler looks like she's about to melt into a puddle. Nightwing is the same. Even Batman looks a little sentimental.

Robin is the only one scowling, tapping his foot impatiently.

"Hood, are you not going to introduce your fiance-we-just-learned-existed-tonight?" Robin asks, arms folded.

Jason huffs. "Not with those manners, demon brat."

You roll your eyes and extend your hand to Batman. You say your name, smiling.

"It's an honor to meet you, sir," you say.

Batman laughs, and it sounds a little fond. It's also kind of weird to hear Batman laugh. "No sir necessary. It's equally an honor to meet the person my son is marrying."

Jason makes a choked little noise. You beam.

"Well," Batman murmurs. "We'll let you two get home. We'll track down the rest of Michael's thugs—"

"Come to the wedding," Jason blurts.

Batman stills. "Me?" he asks carefully.

"Everybody," Jason says, tugging you into his side. "Uncle Clark, Aunt Diana, Selina, your ten thousand kids, everyone."

He turns to you. "I-I mean, as long as that's okay with you, baby."

"Oh, Jay. It's your family. Of course I want them to come." You lean in to whisper in his ear. "I'm proud of you."

"Little Wing, c'mere!"

Nightwing tackles Jason in a hug, then drags Robin, who protests loudly, in by his cape. Spoiler snaps a picture from the sideline.

"Now that's adorable," she says.

Batman looks at you. He removes his cowl, and you gasp quietly. He smiles, and it makes him look decades younger. You guess he hasn't smiled much since he lost Jason.

"Thank you," he says.

You tilt your head. "For what?"

"For bringing him back to us."

You duck your head. "Oh, Mr. Wayne, that wasn't me—"

"Bruce," he corrects gently. "And it was. You played a bigger part than you know. You saved him. Thank you."

[thebiggerbear]

WIP Wednesday - 11/6/24 - Michael!Dean x Reader

A/N: This is an excerpt from "This Time The World Burns and You With It" that I've been working on since mid-July. Working on this has gotten me through some recent stressful personal stuff (don't ask me why it's this project or this character lol) and kept my writing going despite the absence of any kind of energy or time and the desire to just give it all up. I really do wish we had gotten more time with this character with Jensen playing him in the show but what we did get is pure gold.

Forever Taglist: @avada-kedavra-bitch-187; @rieleatiel; @hobby27; @impala67rollingthroughtown; @ladysparkles78

Michael!Dean Taglist: @chevroletdean

Supernaural Taglist: @just-levyy; @heartlessdelusions; @brightlilith; @muhahaha303; @mariahoedt

@solacedthistest; @deansimpala; @foxyjwls007; @onlyangel-444

JA Character Taglist: @samanddeaninatrenchcoat; @deansbbyx; @lyarr24; @rebel-paladin; @deans-spinster-witch

@bts24; @roseblue373; @nancymcl; @c1gs-coffee; @peachhiz

@kickingitwithkirk; @fanfic-n-tabulous; @illicithallways; @mentallyillandgae; @ladykitana90

@radioactivatedspider; @zepskies

You couldn’t even make sense of why you felt the way you did, especially after seeing the evidence of what he’d done just mere moments before hearing Maggie’s scream, watching her painfully die, and knowing everything he’d done on Apocalypse World and planned to do here. How could you feel anything for a monster like that?

Something you kept in mind when Michael showed up in your motel room a few days after the incident, once again wearing Dean. You tightened your grip on your angel blade though you knew you wouldn’t really use it; you wouldn’t kill Dean for your mistakes. Naturally, without lifting a finger, Michael knocked it out of your hand before he sent you flying up against the wall, holding you there. 

“That’s a different greeting than I got the last time we saw one another,” he mocked you in that voice that was anything but Dean’s.

“It’s the only greeting you’ll be getting from now on, you son of a bitch,” you hissed at him through gritted teeth.

“It’s a shame. I got the impression you wanted me to stick around.” He came even closer with his crooked smile.

“Not anymore.”

Green eyes stared into yours as he leaned in closer. “Let’s test that theory, shall we?”

Before you could respond, his lips were on yours and just like that, your brain short-circuited and you were kissing him back. Within moments, he released you and you grabbed at him, keeping yourself from falling while also fervently kissing him, your fingers knotted in his hair. His arms came around you and he turned, walking you both to the bed.

Please let me know if you'd like to be tagged for this upcoming work. Also please let me know what you think in the comments below.

dividers by @firefly-graphics

[annestie]

Outcasted - Chapter 3: Slowly Settling

Summary: At sixteen, Neteyam has completed his iknimaya and is considered an adult. He's a warrior, finally allowed on the battlefield. They're perfectly on the path for them to win once again, something Neteyam is excited to be there for. Until, he's outcasted by his own father.

Neteyam's forced pick up what is left of his life and leave. Never allowed to step foot into his home again, he now has to navigate through learning to live anew, past relationships, and, the hardest, mourning.

Chapter Summary: Neteyam begins learning more.

Pairing: Ao'nung x Neteyam

Word Count So Far: 6300

Notes: This was so fun to write. Thank you for waiting! There were a bunch of things happening but it's here now and I'm so happy with it. I mean 20 days is sooner than 30 right lol? Chapter 1 and such at the bottom.

It’s evening. A little before the eclipse truly darkens the sky. Where the light of the sun still kind of shines but doesn’t light up as much as earlier in the day. It’s the start of the end of the day. A time where Neteyam finds that most of the noise from earlier is gone though from what Ao’nung has stated, they were all simply at dinner.

Ao’nung comes by Neteyam’s marui around this time. Neteyam has just finished his hair, a lucky coincidence as soon he wouldn’t have any light and he still hadn’t collected any wood for fire.

“You changed your hair,” Ao’nung immediately points out at seeing Neteyam.

“I just took down the braids and beads,” Neteyam explains, instinctually running a hand through his loose hair.  Quickly, he stands and faces Ao’nung, ready to head out.

“It looks good.”

Neteyam smiles. “Thank you,” he says as he walks towards Ao’nung. “Where are we going?”

It almost immediately clicks in Neteyam’s mind where they’re going as they’re walking. This had been the same path he took every evening when he visited Awa’atlu. Every marui and landmark the same.

Finally, the path ends and opens up to a big platform where most of the village seems to be. As soon as Neteyam steps foot onto it, memories of being there flood back into his mind. They used to eat on this exact platform every evening. It really had been a while. Though, dinner was probably the least memorable part of the trip.

Unlike the path, the platform looks a little different. It’s bigger, able to sit more. And there seem to be more of the fire they use to cook. It still looks as crowded as ever though.

Neteyam ears flatten as he looks over the crowd. There’s so many people. The last time he had been in a crowd this large had been in the forest, right before he was made to leave.

Neteyam used to like big crowds. Loved the energy and presence of them. It’s a little haunting now. Knowing how that energy and presence can be used. He doesn’t get to think much further on it as Ao’nung takes hold of his hand.

“My father wishes for you to sit with us,” Ao’nung explains, pulling him through the crowds towards where the Tsahìk and Olo’eyktan are.

The Tsahìk and Olo’eyktan are seated on a higher section of the platform, slightly looking over the crowds of people eating. Surely, a tradition. Probably, something to bring comfort or security.

The first thing Neteyam notices as he’s seated between Tsireya and Ao’nung is that despite almost everyone else having plates, both the Tsahìk and Olo’eyktan have nothing before them yet.

“My mother and father don’t eat until the rest of the clan has been served,” Tsireya quietly whispers to Neteyam after seeing his confusion. “We have enough but it is tradition.”

“Ah, thank you,” Neteyam tells her with a smile. His grandmother and Jake had done something similar. They wouldn’t have many communal meals like this often so rather the two would wait for everyone to get a portion of the hunts before they took some for themselves.

A little before their plates are served, Ao’nung turns to Neteyam. “Tell me, forest boy, have you completed that iknimaya you talked of?” Ao’nung asks curiously. Probably trying to make conversation.

Neteyam scoffs at the name. “I did, actually a few months after my last visit,” he tells with a smile. “It’s how I got here. I flew with Loreyu, my ikran.”

Ao’nung looks pained as he dramatically sighs. “And I thought I finally had something over you,” he complains. “I completed my rite of passage a few months ago. When will I ever beat you?”

Letting out a laugh, Neteyam shakes him head. He misses the weight of his beads on his hair, he remarks to himself, it’s strange not having them. “Never, fish face,” he says, quickly letting that thought fall away from his mind.

The next week or two go about the same.

Neteyam doesn’t really keep track of the days. After the first few, he finds it easier simply not to. Thinking about the days just make him miss his siblings more.

In the morning Neteyam has lessons; diving, breathing, swimming. He always wakes early, a habit from before when he used to go out as soon as there was any light in the sky. After, he finds something to eat. Then goes to his lessons.

At some point, in all of it, Ao’nung shows Neteyam the hunting grounds. A few that are less deep that Neteyam can either walk or swim to and other’s that he would have to wait to get to with an ilu or tsurak.

Neteyam even learns to use a net. Which he, admittedly, is not the best at though Ao’nung says he’s seen worse. Neteyam finds that a little hard to believe but it does make him feel better.

The biggest adjustment is the fact his body isn’t used to any of this. In the forest, he was fit for it. Perfect for climbing and shooting his bow and all that surrounded living there. Here, Neteyam has little. Useless.  

Neteyam either spends his lunches with the three assigned to teach him or alone. Though, Tsireya and Rotxo do slowly appear less at the lessons. It’s clear after the first that Ao’nung could handle them just fine. Really as useless as Neteyam is, he doesn’t need three teachers.

After all of his lessons are complete for the day, Neteyam has hours to himself. He uses those hours in many ways. Making acquaintances, helping out with anything, simply trying to find a place within the village. That’s the best way he’s found to try and fit in.

It works, mostly. It’s hard. Hard to make himself anew in such a different place. Hard to let go of the past.

The whispers don’t help. Questions of why he isn’t with his family, why he was banished. Though, he finds it mostly in the elders of the clan, probably those who remember hearing of Toruk Makto being Jake.

Dinner’s always at the end of the day. Where Neteyam’s always invited to sit with the Olo’eyktan and Tsahìk. It’s nice, reminds him much of the ceremonial dinners he used to attend.

Despite the difficulties, it becomes routine. So when Ao’nung unexpectantly shows up while Neteyam’s having breakfast, he’s rightfully confused.

“Ao’nung?” Neteyam asks, looking up from his plate. “Is everything alright? What are you doing here?”

“So quick to worry, forest boy,” Ao’nung teases.

“You would be the same way if you lived the way I did,” Neteyam remarks, meaning no harm really. His way of getting back at the names.  

Ao’nung laughs as he walks into the marui, holding in his hands up in fake surrender. “Sorry, sorry,” he says though it does sound genuine. “Today is little different though.”

Neteyam squints his eyes at Ao’nung. “In what way?”

After explaining and finishing breakfast, Ao’nung leads them here. Here being chest deep water a little ways away from one of the docks in the village.

“Ilu training?” Neteyam asks as he and Ao’nung stand in the water. Neteyam doesn’t exactly have the best past with ilu. If he had to put it into words, his relationship with them is much like Jake’s when he first tried to ride a pa’li.

Ao’nung silently guides Neteyam’s hands to the saddled ilu before them. “You want to learn our ways? Then ride,” he states.

“The last time I tried riding one of these, I nearly drowned,” Neteyam says, gently petting the ilu. The ilus are cute, sweet creatures. Neteyam is the only one unhappy in this.

“Nervous? This is what we have been practicing this past week, breathing, slowing the heart.”

Neteyam takes a deep breath, looking between the ilu and Ao’nung. “Let’s just get this over with.”

As Neteyam quickly hops onto the ilu, Ao’nung explains what he must do once they begin moving. Flow like water is the part that sticks out to Neteyam. The advice that clings to him the most of all of it.

Not wanting to stall, Neteyam quickly makes the bond with the ilu, already preparing himself for the dive. The sooner he learns the better.

In a flash, the ilu swims. She, another thing Neteyam had learned from Ao’nung instructions, quickly dives from which Neteyam is promptly thrown off.

“You ok?” Ao’nung calls from afar, swimming closer to Neteyam.

“Fine!” Neteyam yells back as he surfaces.

“Good because we’re going again.”

And again.

And again.

Neteyam loses track after the fourth or fifth time. It all blends into each other.

Ilu training is hard. Probably one of the first challenges he’s actually encountered. Sure, his swimming skills were practically nonexistent, but this is different. It’s hard in a way that isn’t just because of his skill.

It’s the deep ingrained roots within Neteyam’s mind that make it difficult. The way to ride and tame forest creatures so heavy imprinted on him that he can’t even begin to unravel it.

Why can’t Neteyam just adapt? That’s the question that lingers in his mind as he attempts, over and over again. The longer he is useless, the longer it will take to forget.

-

Neteyam’s out of breath. His chest quickly rising and falling as the ilu beside him waits. He hasn’t felt this way in a while. Not since training in the forest. He doesn’t really need to push his body that much anymore, at least not with everything else so far.

Just as Neteyam’s breathing evens out and he grabs the reigns of the ilu, Ao’nung stops him. “Let’s take a break.”

“Why?”

“It’s already lunch.”

“Right,” Neteyam says, swimming away from the ilu and towards the docks. “I’ll see you later.” He’s tired. He couldn’t even stay on the ilu more than a few minutes. Useless.

Returning later, Neteyam finds Ao’nung already waiting. He stands by the docks, leaning against one of the supporting poles, out of boredom he fiddles with his necklace, the tooth one that always seems to be hanging from his neck.

“Ao’nung?” Neteyam grabs his attention.

“Hey, I figured we would give her a break,” Ao’nung explains as he walks towards Neteyam.

“Yeah?”

“Come on, there’s more you can learn for now.” Ao’nung’s already walking away at this point, heading in a direction that seems to be away from the village.

Confused, but not questioning it, Neteyam follows. He follows over the bouncy paths that don’t seem so strange now, and the warm sands are feel so soft under his feet, until Ao’nung stops. They’re little ways down the beach from the village, there’s some shade from both the roots and leaves above.

“You remember when I taught you those signs?” Ao’nung asks as he sits himself down on the sand.

“Of course,” Neteyam says. “I remember wondering how your fingers could even do that.” He sits down beside Ao’nung.

“I will teach you more. You must know it, especially if you are going to begin hunting.”

Finger talk had been what Neteyam first took to calling it when he first saw it on one of his trips. A way that they’ve found to talk underwater. Neteyam had learned the basics things of it back then; help, danger, look, Ao’nung’s name. All the simple ones.

“What do you remember?” Ao’nung asks. “From the ones I taught you.”

Neteyam lets out a laugh as his hands form the sign for Ao’nung’s name. “This one.”

It sticks out in his mind, especially the story of how Ao’nung had gotten it. He was trying to explain how they got their names in the signs. They come from appearances or stories or events that connect to the person.

Ao’nung told that his first hunt had been a squid, which had inked him. The ink left him glowing for weeks. The name of the kind of squid becoming his. Before then, his name had been much more normal, but the squid name had just stuck around.

“Really? Why?” Ao’nung questions, laughing as well.

“It’s because of the story you told me.”

“Story…” Ao’nung wonders aloud. “Oh! The story. I can’t believe you remember that.”

“You’re hard to forget.”

Out of everything, the signing has been one of the most interesting parts of all of his lessons. If only, Neteyam’s fingers actually wanted to listen and do the signs. But he still prefers it to the ilu riding.

“Do it again,” Neteyam says as he continues bending his fingers, trying to get them into the right positions.

“Like this.” Ao’nung repeats the sign for fish.

Neteyam scoffs, throwing his hands up in frustration. “My fingers don’t do that.”

“Yes they do,” Ao’nung tries convincing him. He leans over, carefully taking Neteyam’s hands into his own. “You just need to know the right way.” Slowly, Ao’nung repositions his fingers into the sign, Neteyam watching on in awe. “See? Not bad for a forest boy.”

“How do you make it look so simple?” Neteyam asks in wonder as he repeats the sign again, marveling how easy it now is.

“How do you make weaving look so simple?” Ao’nung asks in return.

“Point taken.” Neteyam looks off back to the beach and ocean. The eclipse is beginning. The little light still in the sky will quickly leave. Dinner is soon as well. “It’s getting late, I didn’t even realize.”

Turning his head, Ao’nung nods. “Yeah, I guess I wasn’t keeping track of the time. Dinner’s already starting. Come on, my parents are probably waiting for us, we can continue there.”

< Previous Chapter - Next Chapter >

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

6 month solstice/full moon check-in livejournalstyle

So i've been advised to recap the past 6 months. Especially since this current Capricorn full moon is exacting at 1 degree Capricorn which happens to be the same degree as My Ascendant. (Pinkmoondoll number 1 :@!!!!!)

The Cancer full moon happened at around 5 degrees on december 26th 2023. That is my ex's birthday. On winter solstice 2023, exactly 6 months ago, i cut her out of my life. We were already broken up for a long time before that but i continued to let her stay in my life for a few reason, namely guilt & fear. Guilt because of the emotional turmoil she projected onto me & fear because, well, we are married and i didn't know what would happen to my immigration status if i cut her off. I still don't! This has not changed yet.

Pretty much everything else about me & my life has changed though. internally at least. Having her out of my life has allowed me so much freedom to get back to who i am & live with integrity. The only people left in my life now are ones who are respectful, kind, have their own shit going on, appreciate that i am my own person too, allow me to breathe, don't expect anything specific from me, don't toy with my mind & emotions. They are just glad to let me be who i am. No one tries to control me anymore. i feel so wonderful because no one can control me.

So the past 6 months has been a series of stages of getting back to Me. unraveling all the lies i was fed for years, healing from the pain of being manipulated, feeling that so much of my energy was wasted. Truly truly wasted. i'm not one of those people who can live without regrets lol. i wish i broke free so much sooner, the stress destroyed my health for years. But ultimately, this is how it went down, so i strive towards acceptance.

For the first few months of this year i was really on a huge substance abuse kick! im not gonna specify what, but iykyk. Like i really just could not bear the weight of what i was feeling. Every day i was finding out more and more info about lies i'd been told, stuff happening behind my back. All i could rly do was take pills & tunnel vision into ableton or drawing or whatever. it helped repress my emotions & i got a lot done during this time but it was unhealthy & the more it progressed i saw how unsustainable it was.

around spring equinox shit HIT THE FAN e_e So this would be the quarter year mark. Well it was march 15 when denji ate the ziploc bag and had to get emergency obstruction removal surgery. That immediately halted all projects i was working on. I was still taking a lot of pills to cope with the stress of that situation & at that point i needed them just to function at a base level. Then i think april 4th or 5th was when i found out Sammy died, which...i mean yeah i've spoken a lot on how horrific that was & still remains to be.

I mean , like, that shit, rearranged my whole brain, that shit reset me. this also marked the time period where like... my psychic senses really began evolving. idt it was necessarily linked to sammy's death, it just weirdly shifted around that time. i think the lunar eclipse in late march caused some type of quantum leap idk man idek. Then the solar eclipse in april sealed the deal. Ever since then the craziest stuff that i cant even rly talk about has been happening to me & i immediately felt compelled to like, quit all drugs and just fucking ascend lol.

Sooo first i started w pill numero uno, the really diabolical one, middle of april i just said fuck it, i am done. at this point i had abused it so hard it wasnt even doing shit for me anymore, even when i took tolerance breaks, it was genuinely pointless to continue. i did wonder how the fuck i was ever gonna function without it and i was scared. The final few weeks of april were just a total write off, didnt do shit, totally depressed & grieving & miserable but weirdly hopeful too. Like i knew i just had to suffer and get it over with.

pill 2 was actually pretty easy to cut back on because ive quit it a bunch of times before & know what to expect, and since i was already suffering so bad from pill 1 after about a week i thought yeah i might as well stop the other one too lol. there was no noticable increase in suffering from stopping it. So by the 2nd week of May it had been around 3 weeks of feeling like pure ass but i was starting to feel WAYYYY better and my normal goofy self again.

That is the worst thing about adhd meds for me lol they robbed me of my whimsy and goofiness T_T Like i was so serious all the time T_T it was even kinda affecting my relationship w slimbo. Like i couldnt be affectionate i was just a robot. All i cared about was working and i was so impatient. As i came off the meds i started to remember how nice it is to just be slow, be in the moment, enjoy simple things with my love, not constantly bound to this gnawing neurosis pushing me to squeeze maximum productivity out of every single second.

like i said , i'm 1 degree cap rising sooo this neurosis is something that exists firmly within my personality, for sure. i mean, if u cant tell, I Be Doing Things lol. And i get very competitive with myself. the dark side of me is that i want to be the best at everything. A big part of my adult life has been learning how to relax. learning how to have fun, learning how to be a little pointless. Without the meds this is a struggle for me so with the meds it was genuinely impossible not to be completely controlled by the rabid impulse to work.

So getting off the meds was a big exercise in confronting my fear of Not being the best. my fear of chilling, my fear of being still & unoccupied. But i did it! And i feel so much better. Like holy shit, i feel SO much better.

By the mid-May i was picking up steam in just being able to live again. a lot of the brainfog & physical heaviness lifted. I was still not very productive at art or music, but i was getting really good at not letting that bug me. spending a lot of time working in the garden, got back into yoga, reading, just doing leisurely stuff that felt expansive to my inner world rather than trying to externalize anything. psychic experiences continued to amplify. became interested in tarot again as i no longer felt i was living in fear of my higher self.

after getting off the pills i began feeling really fixated on the notion of quitting weed. Previously this had been genuinely unthinkable to me. Like, me and weed, we were One, every person i'd ever been as an adult had smoked weed, it was weirdly part of my identity, for 15 years i genuinely believed i could not exist without weed, like i would just lose my fucking mind if i stopped. i did not believe in myself.

But as the psychic experiences progressed i felt strongly that i want to go deeper. Previously i had been afraid to go deeper. In that regard i think i was truly afraid of my own potential. I wasn't ready for it, and that's actually fine. A lot of people aren't.. But as May was coming to a close i knew that i was ready, and actually, it was crucial of me to put an end to this. I was enjoying finally having some sense of peace & joy after how crummy it felt quitting the pills , i didn't really want to disturb that state of being, but i also was having that feeling again that i just need to "get it over with".

So when it struck June 1st i was like yeah fuck it. Let this mark a new beginning. as soon as i realize something is no longer in my best interest its almost impossible for me to keep going with it! like i can't live with myself. I guess that's where my fixation on being "the best" can serve me sometimes. if that makes sense.. Like i willllll always end up putting my foot down and saying NO :T

So yeah. it's recent enough that i don't really feel the need to detail how the first 2 weeks of june were sooooo sucky and emotional and generally dysfunctional. couldn't even read or draw or do any minor tasks i was sooo out of my mind. Not much needs to be said about it. i just had to simply allow time to pass. a lot of days spent in bed crying & dissolving.

right around the 2 week mark we went to missouri & this is when i started noticing myself feeling way way better. the whole time i didn;t even think about weed or my symptoms at all. i was so present in each moment and it was so easy to just feel....alive. also had some intense psychic experiences, one of which i haven;t even talked about on here, and i probably wont because its too sacred. The overarching theme between all the experiences i've been having since late march is that they feel too sacred to tell anyone. The high priestess emphasizes secrecy in some matters..

Which brings us to now, june 21, 21 days w/o weed, 3 weeks. I know that sounds like nothing but this has been 15 YEARS coming. that's half my lifespan so far. and now i just feel fine. i got thru the blues of quitting, all the repressed emotions, im sure they'll still pop up from time to time too. but ultimately i am just so fucking relieved to be free of that shit and like, functioning, able to sleep, not riddled with anxiety and self hatred like i was when i started as a grieving baby teenager.

i guess i wanted to write this to remind myself what a monumental shift i have made in my life in the first half of 2024, and how insanely far i've come in the grand scheme of my life, in a relatively short timespan. because i keep getting this feeling of self doubt where i'm like wait... it's almost july and i've barely completed any tasks, i still havent finished my music, wtf am i doing :( But i dont think i was supposed to finish it until i shed all these habits that were causing major roadblocks in my path!

shed my ex, shed pills, shed weed. shed grief! shed self doubt. emptied my vessel & it has allowed room for so much new life to come through. new forces being channeled. my mediumship abilities now are in focus and taking off at an accelerated rate. for the first time in my life i'm not in survival mode. i feel this is my reward for living through it all when i wanted nothing more than to give up for so many years. i prayed for death, every day, i really did. now i am dead! the old me died. and i carry her memory with honor, i carry on the parts of her that wished to remain and be loved, but she is effectively dead.

for the first time in my life i am really proud of myself. i don't feel so competitive with myself anymore. i don't need to prove myself externally. i do not require any validation of my existence. i can sit with myself without feeling extreme self induced dread & despair. i feel worthy even though i am still (from the outside looking in) at the exact same place i was at 6 months ago.

i'm finally feeling ready to work a little harder again, but not because i'm desperate to gain anything from it. just because it's fun, and fundamentally, as stated above, that drive is a part of my personality, a part of me that i love & cherish. number 1 is the magician. the mage patchouli ~~~ the alchemist. create for the sake of creating.

if anyone read this far, thats wild xD but thats dope too.. I guess one thing i'd like for the future is just to inspire people that you can alchemize the tragedies of your life and all the suffering into something much greater than yourself. You can get through it and be happy with your meager little life one day, even if it takes 30 or 40 years, it's worth it to try & worth it to get here. You do not have to wallow in sadness and self doubt forever, even if u see no way out rn.

i'm happy just being me ^_^ i have so much fun when i'm in my mind. bladee voice ~~be in your mind, be in your mind, be in your mind~~. i love how simple everything feels right now. i love how people & entities can come to me because they trust me to receive their messages & understand them. My own projections do not get in the way anymore. I shed so much. I am free. Happy Strawberry Moon everyone.

SIncerely, PMD9

[honeybewrites]

okay so i'm definitely going to do a deeper dive of your wip posts when i have time, but i saw you mention some of your secondary/minor characters like asurr and airvix- i don't think i've seen much about them, but just from that other ask where they were briefly mentioned they sound really interesting!! i would like to request any rambles you have about them if you're up for it lol

I am always up for rambles!!! And thank you for even just briefly stopping by my corner of the internet :) It makes me so happy!!!

This also turned out way longer than I expected it too. Oops.

Let's start with Ronan (Rage) Airvix!

The Airvix name is well known through Mirralia. All members of the name are well established figures of society. Think politicians, high ranking military, predominant healers, that kind of thing. So Ronan comes from a long line of high expectations, and he did not disappoint.

He went to healing school to become a certified Healer, and then joined the Mirralian military as a pilot and field Healer. His name quickly became well known through the Mirralian government as one of the best pilots they'd ever had.

Soldiers would always say to new recruits and people who had never worked with him before, "You better confess your sins (aka injuries from being stupid) now, unless you want to deal with Rage." The nickname stuck. And it suited him too. Rage's hot temper when it comes to healing is well known, but otherwise, he's a complete puppy!

Very friendly, talkative, kind, and maybe just a tad fatherly. It always surprises people as they expect with a big name like his, he'd have gotten a pretty big head.

What surprises people more, if the fact that he's blind. Rage has no trouble getting around or even fighting. When he was very young, he was involved in an accident that blinded him. Stubborn and determined as he is, especially at that age, he learned how to use elemental (the WIPs version of magic) to "see." Similar to Toph from AtLA, Rage can see his surroundings, outlines and details. You could also think of it like a bat. It has greatly increased his energy stamina (something required to use elemental) and in turn allows him to use more "taxing" elemental without getting quite as exhausted.

While in the Mirralian military, with his name being spread like fire, the Mors took an interest in him. And eventually, they offered him a job. Field handler and healer to some of their Assets and squads. The pay was ten times better, and so was the rank as the Mors were a special division. Plus, Rage was teased to possibly being let onto a high class project with his old school mate, Healer Asurr.

So Rage accepted the position. And that's how he came to meet 703 and adopt her become her field handler!

Now for Healer Asurr!

Dyvx Asurr was just your average kid. They came from a decent off family, an only child, and they had a pretty good childhood. They were exceptional in school, earning the top grades in every class, even skipping a few years. But Asurr always had a fascination for... questionable things.

They had several healing books and would often spend hours reading about some of the most horrendous acts committed during the Dragon War. Asurr could retain information like an encyclopedia and was constantly coming up with new ideas.

They would often capture animals and conduct experiments on them. They kept a very detailed log in a journal about their findings and future experiments they wished to conduct. Slowly though, they started moving to bigger, less four legged creatures for their experiments. Their log expressed a deep desire to conduct several experiments on other intelligent beings.

After graduating basic school early, Asurr went on to healing school where they met Airvix. The two were close, though Airvix never knew of his friend's experiments or other questionable hobbies. The two went their separate ways after school.

Finally free and out on their own, Asurr went about trying to make their desired experiments a reality. It took a few years, but they were finally able to kidnap a Mirralian. One just shy of crossing the legal age. His experiment went gruesomely wrong and resulted in the Mirralian's death.

It quickly caught the government and media's attention. Along with the Mors. Healer Asurr faced trial and was convicted. The public was told they would be sentenced to twenty years of confinement. However, that was not the sentence carried out. Instead, Healer Asurr was interviewed by the Mors. The Mors were curious about their theories and experiments, and Healer Asurr was more than happy to tell them. After the long interview, Asurr was offered a job with the Mors. A very high position, with all the resources they could ask for, to carry out their experiments. The Mors had a very special project they wanted Asurr to perfect for them.

Project Viall.

The project that would eventually create Asset 703.

[egg-emperor]

I like how bouncy and fluid Eggman's movement is in Prime, but the voice still throws me. It sounds like someone trying to do an Eggman impression (which seems to be exactly what Brian Drummond did - try and make his voice sound like Mike's). I almost wish they'd had him do his own take on Eggman's voice because Drummond as a voice actor is really good at villain voices. I'll reserve more judgment until we get full episodes, but at the moment his voice is just "off" enough to bug me.

Me too, I absolutely love how he's animated, he's so bouncy and lively and full of the Eggman energy I love in every movement. It's also got me giggling over how handsome he is as usual so they did it right fjsbshgksbgk 🥰💜💕💘

But yeah I really don't feel the same is happening with the voice. I'm not trying to be negative so I realize I haven't actually shared my thoughts on it at all, aside from obviously being sad about how Mike has been replaced as Eggman in an English role in general for the second time (movie first which I was already sad about) and now in animated content for the first time... He's been the voice of Eggman the entire time I've been a fan, except I heard Deem Bristow first and enjoy them equally. They'll always be my two favorites and I know that no others will ever come close for me.

I really wish that they could've just gotten Mike for this. Especially because he's been an exception to the rule before as a non Canadian actor involved with another project and that definitely should've happened again here for such a major long time important role of his. I miss when you knew that with any kind English content, you could expect Mike's voice to leave Eggman's mouth but now that isn't even the case with animated content, it feels so wrong. I never wanted them to switch Mike out for any other English actor at all under any circumstances for as long as he was willing and able to play the role. :')

Mike's Eggman voice is the definitive for him now for almost 20 years of him being the voice of him in English. They brought him back despite the recasting and kept him the longest in English out of any of the English actors for a reason- because he brought so much life and energy to the character just through voice and it's so unique and powerful that nobody could come close to capturing it as well after him. Anyway oops sorry I'm rambling but I still can't get over this I'm just really sad about it and it just feels like a sin to replace him for anything in general to me lol

No hate to Brian or course, I'm sure he does have great voice talent even though I haven't really heard him. But yeah it kind of does sound like that and it's not really working for him. Mike was initially hired to be a Deem sound alike but I feel Deem's is easier to match than Mike's take, as in the first three X episodes he sounded pretty good and close, until the fourth where he decided to start doing his own take. While I still like the former, it was a big improvement when he started doing his own thing that he said was more doable and it worked just as great for the character.

But Brian sounding like he's kind of attempting an impression of Mike makes it sound rather flat in comparison, which I was expecting anyway because damn is Mike's hard to replicate with the gruffness and gravel and highs and lows of his tone at the same time. That's what makes it so great and unique, it adds a lot of life and energy to the character as much as lively exaggerated movement, which makes it the best to me. Even the way Mike performs growls and laughter sounds a lot stronger and emphasized with that energy to suit how theatrical of a villain he is.

But it's especially not helping that Brian's sounds like an attempted impression for those reasons, it probably would be better if it sounded more like he was doing his own slightly different take. I'm trying not to sound negative, I don't hate it and I will give it a chance and maybe he can improve or his performance will actually be pretty good as we hear more. But also I'm always gonna be absolutely biased when it comes to this, so I just know that Deem and Mike are always gonna be my two favorite takes equally and that no other is really gonna be close to delivering the same for me personally lol

[hologramcowboy]

Why are you stanning a drunk useless man with no job and such a low self esteem that he needs to pump his face with Botox?

Why are you stanning him if he's such a bad husband, father and friend?

Why are you a fan of his, if his acting is mediocre and his singing even worse?

If he is so bad, what the hell are you doing here! What kind of person are you, that you see this shell of a man, and think: oh this guy is my animal spirit, he's a perfect role model for me!

Seriously, enlighten me please. Is there anything at all, that you like about Jensen Ackles?

Why are you stanning that? 🤣🤣🤣🤦🏼‍♀️

BTW, it's spirit animal not animal spirit, though, when he sings, he reminds me of Animal from the muppets.

I can't enlighten you, love, not even Jesus could enlighten you. 🤣

Since you obsessively read my posts despite hating my blog, you should have a list of everything I love about him, but you don't because you only read what is convenient to you so you can project your judgements of Jensen unto me. 🤣

Here's what I love about Jensen:

When he is connected to his authentic self, he has the ability to connect with people deeply. He can move you with a single glance.

He has a beautiful voice, his real one not the one he fakes. He can enchant you with his voice, especially when he expresses genuine emotion.

He has one of the most cinematic looks in the world

He can express deep appreciation in a way that moves you.

He has endless emotional layers

His eyes are incredibly expressive

When he takes time to do inner work, he can be a very powerful actor.

When he rehearses, he can be a decent singer. In fact, I sometimes put on songs of his before going to bed because his voice puts me in a flow state.

When he wants to, he can be an inspiring rolemodel and could be a poweful leader, too bad he doesn't step into that

He can be adorable in so many ways

He looks just like the ideal man were I to draw one, in fact, he looks exactly like the man I used to imagine as my ideal growing up. Right down to the little details. It's quite scary. It's like my imaginary Prince Charming came to life. 🤣🤦🏼‍♀️

He saved my life in his own way

He sometimes displays the same kind of innocence Brad Pitt had in his best performances, a quiet innocence that is incredibly beautiful.

Sometimes he seems like an angel to me and he is my angel in some ways.

He can bring so much beauty and joy to people

He has a smile that makes me wish to see him happy forever

His shoulders are...perfection.

I love his bow legs, they are perfect.

I love his affinity with Jared and the infectious energy they create, especially in person.

When he embodies kindness, he brings a lot of good into this world and inspires others to do the same(when he does it genuinely)

I could go on but basically, if you were to read my mind and see my ideal, Jensen would be it and there are no words that could ever encompass everything I see in him. Too bad he seems to be set on proving me wrong. lol

[novaneondream]

TLDR: artist struggles and burning out

Feeling in the mood to make edits lately. I’ve noticed a pattern that whenever I’m partaking in many collaborative projects that involves one of my hobbies, the joy I have for said hobby gets drained out of me, and I tend to lean towards my other hobby if that makes sense good lord

bUt as I was sayiNg- Back in 2020, I was part of a lot of editing groups, and I had a bunch of MEP deadlines I had. Because of that, my love for editing kind of died for a bit, and I went to art instead and it’s been so much fun. That is until, I’ve joined a bunch of zines (and don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the opportunity and being able to be a part of such great projects with so many talented people) hOwever, I feel like I’ve lost my energy, genuine joy, and motivation to draw for myself. Thus, I kind of want to switch back to editing for a bit because it’s been awhile and to get the create juices going again you feel? Like I’m aware why this happens, and yet I still bite off more than I can chew because FOMO 🙄 it’s so bad, that even my friends and family are like “lol are you sure you wanna take up that many projects. You know how you are-“ and I’m like “nahhh I’ll be fine.” *is not fine*

Even though I don’t regret working on collaborative projects, I still get burnt out, and it makes me sad because my recovery time to get that creative energy back to make personal passion projects takes so long. Although I know I shouldn’t feel this way, sometimes I feel guilty for not doing anything creative because I feel like I’m wasting that time to improve and make fun projects. But I know that it’s all a hobby and it’s just for fun but ahhhhhh starting really is the hardest part and I just wish I was better at it. But ALL OF THIS TO SAY, I want to make edits again, I want to make art for myself, and I want to create works that make me happy because I know this creative part of me will never go away.

[tussive]

I'm home! The show was fun, the openers were all at least decent, the first group was pretty lit, they really turned the crowd up. I don't know all of their names but one was XZA. One was something like XYA or something, I don't remember. But there were two others also. Then it was a group of three guys, they went by Poison Boys and were decent. The one guy had to run off stage to vomit which was pretty funny. Then there was a single guy Wat3r, he was my favorite opener. He said he has a project coming out tomorrow I definitely wanna check out. Then there were like these kinda corny guys, funnily enough one of them was Gubbar, I fucking told you that guy would suck. Then a guy named Stixx performed, I missed like half of it because I was smoking but he was decent. Everyone else seemed more impressed with him than I was, but maybe I just missed the good parts. Then the DJ did his thing and then Christ Dillinger and Acid Souljah came out and they killed it. Played a bunch of new unreleased songs. The crowd was surprisingly cool, except for those goth girls and the guy who was with them I posted about. And I kept running into them for some reason lol.

I did get back up for like the last two AS/CD songs, but even after sitting for most of their set I was dead on my feet. Christ Dillinger was hanging out after doing autographs and talking to fans, but I just bought an Acid Souljah shirt and dipped real quick. My feet were killing me and I had a terrible headache. Drove like 20 minutes and stopped at a Sheetz and got a Sprite, nutrition bar and Goody's, figured one of those would fix my headache lol. Then I just hung out for a bit, smoked my last cigarette, took off my jewelry because it was pissing me off after wearing it all day, etc. Got back on the road.

I don't like the way the GPS took me, it was like all backroads and rural highway and I ran into three packs of deer so I had to drive slow as shit to make sure I didn't hit any deer.

Wish I had conserved my energy for Acid and Christ, but I had a good time and the show was a lot of fun. So fuck it. I didn't really have anything for Christ to sign and tbh I don't really care about signatures that much and also meeting celebrities is weird because what do you even say? Christ Dillinger did see me before their set though and said he liked my CRIME hat (I think I said this already) so that kind of made my night. Also I got probably at least 6 or 7 compliments on my cigarette necklace. The security guard asked if they were real cigarettes, which would smell like shit lmao. He's a rapper too and I guess his name is Echo30 or something? I wanna check him out too.

[jodilin65]

After riding my virtual bike for 32 miles on and off throughout the night, I finally hit the border. I won’t be in Missouri or Illinois for very long, but I’ll be in Indiana for quite a while.

I hide treats in the closet the rat and I play in to keep things interesting for her. Last time I had an almond on top of a suitcase and one of her yogurt candy treats on the floor by her waterfall bowl. Maybe next time I will hide a piece of bread under a step stool and something else somewhere else. I’m going to be making garlic noodles soon so I’m sure she’ll want me to share some with her.

I slept better but have been a little tired today anyway. I’m wondering if the energy I’ve had these last few weeks was just a fluke after all and I’m slowly reverting back to my usual fatigue. I hope not! I mean, it lessens the chances of anxiety but slows down my activity. I like being able to do things and I still have many projects I want to do. Not much left to do with the home organization but I still have art and crafts-related stuff I want to do.

I had enough energy to hit the road and soon I’ll do another electrolysis session. Although most hair follicles will be dead after just one session, it takes several hard flashes to prevent the regrowth of those fine little fuzzy hairs. I may not get them perfect but at least you would have to really strain to see any traces of what would be very short and skinny hairs. Besides, it’s not like people sit and study my legs, LOL.

Wondering if the honker has out-of-state visitors again because there’s a white SUV parked at his place. He has a friend that lives here with a white SUV and that’s who I first thought it was. If they are visitors, then it’s a little weird that they haven’t gone anywhere. Maybe they’re just wiped out from being on the road.

I’m not sure why but I haven’t been able to remember my dreams nearly as much as I used to. All I remember from last time around was this weird dream about moving out in the country somewhere. I was outside and heading into our place when I looked at a row of strange-looking plants and flowers and remembered Tom saying that they were self-watering and we never had to do anything to them. However, I thought they looked pretty dried out so I decided to water them. As I was about to do that I noticed some ants nearby and went to get some bug spray. When I returned with the spray, the ants were under a couple of feet of water. I trudged through it and because I was barefoot I thought the muddy ground beneath felt gross. Then suddenly, the water was up to my chest and I was thinking, WTF?!

Not sure I could count it as a nightmare because I’m not sure where all the water came from or if I was going to drown. It was just a strange senseless dream. The kind I doubt was happening in some other dimension.

Still haven’t heard from Kim and there’s no doubt that she dumped me. I wouldn’t be surprised if someday she was allowed online if only for a while and she contacted me as if nothing happened. Then when I asked her why she would bother to contact me after dumping me, she would give me some bullshit story about being unable to because she got her phone taken away. Yet I would be smart enough to know that if that was really the case she would have her sister contact me and let me know.

That’s okay. She’s done me a favor and I wish I’d known what to say a lot sooner to flush her out of my life in a way I wouldn’t feel guilty about. Amazing what people will do, though, when you call them out on their shit.

[what-the-hayl]

Goodness Gracious!

Happy Saturday fuckers!

I went to the book store last night with my mom, we spent some time and money there, lol. I bought six different books, all different reads. I'm trying to start one and i cant stay focused on it cause my mind is wondering with all kinds of ideas. I have been on cloud 9 this week, it's so weird. Like, i got hit with a blessing of good good energy recently. Maybe i have i have been seeing 11:11 OFTEN! Yes i make a wish or talk to my passed loved ones. I always talk to the universe usually when im driving. Life is intresting...

Anyways back to topic, you know how they always say "just start" keep going just dont stop kinda thing, yah well thats been my motto heavy these last few weeks. I dont know what im doing or what my end goal is, but i have been maintaining and doing things i want for example im working on projects to get up on that store, i started up a OF again, but not like the OF everyone is quick to assume it is, mine this time is going to be a fun, spicy fan base kinda page. I just took another opportunity for main income, im stoked to start that!! AHHH!! I feel the good coming, this year is going to be a good one..i feel it!

As im trying to read this book though, im reflecting on conversations ive been having with a old girlfriend, we have just recently have reconnected since we both are on this sober ride. I want to start up a sober bar, thats located on the water and themed beachy!

Have my blog flowing, my websites poppin, and a sober bar on the water!

I can do this!

i had to write this out cause im so excited and overwhelmed with ideas that i have to journal about them quick.

Have the best weekend, lovers <3

[lgbtq-history-museum-cfl-intern]

Wow! What a crazy week!

This post is a little delayed because I just needed to process everything, plus I was just generally not feeling well yesterday.

I wish I had the space to do an audio recording but this week the house is full, but I’m just bursting at the seams with excitement.

I’ve never had the chance to attend an event by the History Department on campus and I’ve missed out on so many cool talks and opportunities to meet professionals in my field (even though I was LITERALLY and advocate for those kinds of things as a PeerKnights Coach!)

So, I’ve been mentioning for a couple of weeks that I’ve been preparing for a panel…

(Note to any students reading this!: If you’re invited to do a panel and you can fit it into your schedule and workload, DO IT! They’re often informal and a great way to open up discussion on topics you may be interested in or that are relevant in your field.)

The board of the LGBTQ History Museum invited me to speak on their panel on the research I’ve been doing for the exhibit. This panel was part of a larger event, The Florida Historical Society’s Annual Meeting and Symposium, which was hosted at UCF.

A little bit about the society, here’s an excerpt from their website’s “About Us” page:

“Established in 1856, the Florida Historical Society is dedicated to preserving Florida's past through the collection and archival maintenance of historical documents and photographs, the publication of scholarly research on Florida history, and educating the public about Florida history through a variety of public history projects and programs…”

(Sounds like everything I’ve described I want to do, lol)

I was admittedly so nervous to present, and I spent like a week and a half perfecting my PowerPoint just to write my script within two days of presenting! So, my only regret is spending most of the time looking down at my script and not connecting with the audience.

But it went great! There was a lot of discussion following the panel presentations on censorship and how it’s affecting librarians' and educators’ ability to do their jobs, and really, what they love.

I also got to learn more about the museum’s history and my fellow student, who is on the museum board, read an insightful breakdown of the museum’s current exhibit on the AIDS crisis.

It was heartwarming to be in that environment and see myself as part of it. Like I’ve mentioned before, since I don’t major in history, I tend to feel like an outsider, but this experience was so affirming!

My mentors congratulated me on my work, and I feel even more excited moving forward to share my ideas for the exhibit as I continue to edit the written work and begin designing the layout.

 Later on, they also hosted the Jerrell Shofner Lecture Series, named in honor of the “prolific Florida historian”.

This year’s lecturers happened to be scholars whose work I’ve been reading and using for the undergraduate thesis I was working on, Dr. Simone Delerme and Dr. Patricia Silver.

A few posts ago I also talked about our mentors and those we look up to being just normal people, right?

BUT I FELT LIKE I WAS FRONT ROW AT MY FAVORITE ARTIST’S CONCERT! They are ROCKSTARS to me!

I got to sit down and eat at the reception with them and chat over tiny empanadas!

Then they talked about their research on Puerto Ricans in Central Florida and even though I’ve read much of the material they spoke on, I was completely engaged.

It was so fun to also get to hang out with my mentors in a more informal space and watch them banter with each other as they passed off the microphone to announce the next thing.

Events like these can really humanize professional relationships, which is what I really got out of it.

I wish I had the energy to attend the full event and see more presentations, but I prioritized being there for the museum’s panel and being able to stay for the Shofner Lecture.

I hung around at the end because I was just too excited to go but I got to exchange some amazing words with pioneers in the field of research I’m most deeply interested in: The Puerto Rican Diaspora.

I want to close out with a big THANK YOU to my current faculty mentor and supervisor from the LGBTQ History Museum, Dr. Connie Lester, for this internship position, for your guidance, and for inviting me to the panel; My other supervisor, Dr. Scott French, for staying for the panel and always being so supportive; My previous faculty mentor, Dr. Martínez-Fernández, for cheering me on still and for facilitating so many connections for me; and the Department of History for hosting such an awesome event!

I just don’t know where I’d be without so many sources of support.

[silver-heller]

What do you wish was in the series/fic that you just didn't have room for? Which of these do you think you'll write about in the future?

Hm...a lot lol.

Closure on Mordecai and Mitzi's Relationship

As it stands, the last time Mordecai talks to Mitzi in a full blown conversation, she admits she still finds Mordecai creepy but wants Silver to be happy. Originally it ended there, which is a start, though not a very happy conclusion.

Actually, writing this made me write in a discussion that demonstrates Mitzi's change of heart and why she feels that way. Thankfully there was a spot before all the action. It is short and that, along with her being much more friendly towards Mordecai as time goes on hopefully demonstrates her gradual change of heart leading up to that.

Though I suppose it can be implied through some of his actions, and his redemption through them, that Mitzi probably sees him very differently by the end of the fic. Hell, I think it could be argued she never really hated him, both just had trust issues and were afraid the other would or even wanted to take Atlas away from them. Which is why I wish I had more time to explore this in depth.

Will I explore this after the AU? I am trying not to fall into the trap of post fic content that could end up in me wanting to make a whole fic. But, I could definitely, if I ever feel up to it, see a one shot from Mitzi's POV about how her relationship with Mordecai evolved. They care about each other, quite a lot I'd say, and I think they both become more receptive to hearing about the other's worries over time. That being said, that one shot is pretty low on my priority list, if I am being honest, and their relationship was a side thing in the AU for good reason.

Silver And The Quest To Straight Pass

Since the fics showing their time working as a trio, there's one theme that didn't fully get to be explored, which is essentially how Mordecai and Viktor fighting over Silver's affections definitely had a lot to do with the idea of "being gay but not looking gay". They both genuinely do love Silver, to be clear, but they both acted like idiots in the past because they were holding onto that idea of Silver being male while looking like any other woman to the outside world.

If those two had a healthier relationship towards this, especially in the welcoming environment of the speakeasy, they probably would have been together before they even met Silver. But nope.

Viktor being bisexual is probably a big reason why Viktor backed down and rooted for Silver and Mordecai so hard, despite his own feelings. He can fall in love with a girl and be seen as "normal" easily, but, Mordecai can't, and Silver might struggle to find someone else that sees him as a man and still genuinely loves him. The way Viktor sees it, those two were meant to be with each other, and he never wanted to get in between them.

While all this is only implied, hopefully it's made clear it's something Mordecai has to get over, considering he would have much rather have a fling with Serafine, someone who can identify as male but presents as female, rather than just admit he loves Viktor, even in Silver's absence. In fact, it's kind of implied Mordecai does not think he can find a viable partner again because his relationship with Silver offered him a lot of protections, and that happened to be one of them.

Our Dear Friend Atlas

I also wish I had more time and energy to explore the past and Atlas' relationship with everyone in the cast back when he saw still living. Although, I am also glad as it gives me more to use for my own original projects. Plus it being more implied in the AU works quite well too. If I do write him with the other characters outside of the series, it will most likely be fluff.

One of these days I swear I'll write in Atlas' POV, maybe make some Mitzi x Atlas fics or something. I'd also love to find a way to pin him down for a more concrete or genuine interaction with someone in the cast.

Rocky and Irene

I would have loved for that pairing to have their own section in the AU, but, in the end, it was best for them to remain side characters. If I think up fun or cute one shots for them, I'll definitely write and post them though!

More Conflict With Asa

I think Asa remaining mostly a mystery works good for the fic, though I'd be lying if I said Asa' assholeness isn't fun to write, and that the other character's push back is a huge part of that. I particularly would have liked to explore his relationship with Mordecai more, how, even though Asa was a more corrupted version of Atlas in Mordecai's life, it could still be argued Atlas was just as bad in some ways. But, I found the other relationships a lot more important.

Just like Mitzi and Mordecai, this isn't something I am huge on, but if I ever did get inspiration for a one shot that explored that concept, I'd write it.

A Very Awkward Dinner

Originally, I had considered the idea of the lackacrew meeting Constantine. It was going to be a dinner with all of them supporting Silver while she confronted the man that helped orchestrate the arranged marriage that caused Silver such grief. In retrospect, it was a bit too satisfying for the town I was going for, and a little too much of a power trip for me. I prefer how I leave things off with Constantine now, though I won't spoil it.

Honestly, I'm fine with this and don't plan to ever write that scene.

MORE TAWNY CONTENT!

This one is heavily biased. Myself and the writer of Tawny have always agreed he was best kept in the shadows along with Asa for...reasons, hehe. But, I still do think his and Silver's chemistry is fun, and we hope to be able to write more of him with Silver and the rest of the cast in the future.

Mordecai Meeting Silver's Grandmother

There was originally a scene where Mordecai met Silver's grandmother, helping him better understand how Silver became the man he is today. However, I decided it was better, and for the sake of not having to wrap up that loose end, that Silver's grandmother had passed. Her failing health near Silver's engagement would explain why she didn't become more involved in that situation.

Silver Meeting Mordecai's Sisters

There was a flashback scene where they were introduced. However, this got cut as it didn't add anything and, as it stood, with most of the prequel content being cut, there wasn't anything to imply Mordecai would go to physically see Rose at that stage. In fact, things work better when the implication is he refused to. Potentially even for her wedding.

Rose as a character also comes with a lot, there's so little we know about her current life, hence why I've scraped her one shot as well. There are so many blanks to fill that I just don't want to. So, while I will probably show Mordecai attempting to fill the gap (spoiler alert) I don't think he actually will, unfortunately.

Realistically, Mordecai is a complete stranger to Rose now, and Rose a complete stranger to Mordecai, and not to mention Mordecai went from a cute kid with good intentions to a cold blooded murderer who would probably do it again if it meant his survival and meeting the important people in his life that he did. Though he'll always hold onto the memories, I think a big part of his journey is learning to let the past be the past.

Nico and Silver's Friendship

I honestly really like these two as friends, I find Nico's very laidback nature combined with Silver's rather cautious one pretty cute. But, when I figured this out, there wasn't much time to really sow it in (completely at least, they do have moments), and, as with some of the other things above, the relationship just wasn't as important as the ones taking up most of the plot. So, the AU shows more of an origin story for their friendship like a few of the other relationships rather than the friendship in its complete form.

Definitely some fluff I will write in the future.

[theduderdrew]

I’m An Old Man Now

I am now deciding at the ripe age of 26 to write my thoughts out on a *public forum.

It’s been a while. I genuinely cannot remember the last time I was on this app. Which is good. In regards to what I want to use this app for, I’m okay with that. I can’t afford a therapist so I’m good with a bit of discretion.

Where to start, though? So much has happened in my 26 years of life. I kinda wished I would have done this earlier so I could bounce some of these ideas off of something. 26-year-old me and 23-year-old me had vastly different perspectives of the world. Wish I could talk to that kid nowadays. He was bright and bubbly. Hell, 17-year-old me was even more joyful than him. Would be great to get a room with all these versions of myself and discuss what kind of music we like. Maybe what kind of actors we’re obsessed with. Who we are chasing after at the moment romantically. Now that’s a good source of a lot of my unresolved issues lol. Whatever, this is a tangent.

I guess these things will be kind of free form…stream of consciousness?? Sure, whatever comes to mind. That sounds good. I just want to leave something behind I reckon. Something I can look back on and say, “Yeah, that’s me at 26 FOR SURE.” Something to look back on and cringe. I used to write a lot on notebooks. I have a trusty stack of them, but pages are missing. Torn from them because I couldn’t stand to look at stuff I would have wrote while I’m drunk. Or high. Or sad. Or angry. Or happy. Everything involving me gives me the ick. Also, you’ve picked up the lingo “(insert thing here) gives me the ick” Future Drew. Good luck shaking that off.

Where was I? Current way of thinking. So you are in a relationship that has you torn. Torn in a way you were not expecting. All of the friends you have cultivated since high school/college are now contemplating cutting you off (or already have) because you are isolating again. You’ve spent a lot of time with your partner. It’s a personal choice. You really feel completely comfortable with her. She has a ton of flaws, but you love her. You kind of feel trapped because of the amount of love you have for her. But it’s a partner you have actually felt something for. That’s not a dig at the past s/o’s. You have a soft spot for all of them but they set your entire being on fire like this person does. That’s why you can’t get away. You’ve cancelled plans. Cut off your friends. Haven’t reached out. All of your energy belongs to her. Which no one could possibly understand it. It’s unhealthy. You’ve never had healthy relationships to set a system of role modeling on.

Your parents were dysfunctional. Your step dad and mom divorced after a tumultuous 10+ years. They sucked for each other. It wasn’t until your mom and biological sperm donor got back together that you wished for the previous dysfunction. Well, not exactly. That’s not fair. You are so emotionally distant that you can’t possibly give a shit about what your mother decides to do with her romantic life. You only hope she gets the help she absolutely needs. Could be a projection of your own problems, but we all need help right?

Back to the friends. They are tired of my shenanigans. They don’t like the neglect. I don’t blame them, though. In some ways, I believe I’ve outgrown them. But that would imply that you have grown since 17 (*spoiler* you have NOT). To be fair, however, I do have a yearning to reach out to other people. Visit other places. Ingrain myself in other environments that isn’t Atlanta, GA (that is where you live at the moment). The only problem is where you live now (previously mentioned) is owned by one of said friends. You’ve also really hurt her apparently. She cried in front of you, citing that you haven’t been a great friend. The house has been super AWKWARD since. How were you supposed to know though? You were so far up your own ass you couldn’t see the damage you were causing. Now that you are out, smelling the roses, the roses are dying. They have been relocated. Away from you. You’re gonna be alone for a while, so you need to get used to it. Just like your dear old dad.

You have been spending a lot of time with John. He is still selfish. Still a loner. A hermit. A republican? Didn’t see that one coming. You allotted time to spend with him, usually on Monday nights. This is football time for your old man, so you don’t have to talk much. It’s better that way. Better to not address the years I haven’t seen the guy. Keep that elephant in the corner. However, since the breakup, you’ve neglected mom. You can’t even place her. Mom’s divorce has taken her out of the home she knew for 10+ years and into the unknown. And you’re watching football. Fuck you. I don’t care if you are working and it’s the only convenient place, you need to be there for Mom. And you’re not. This Christmas will be the only time in a month you have bothered to hang out with her. That’s hurtful, man. Do better. Stop putting your energy in the things that you have lost before and could lose again (i.e. relationships, your father). That’s a bit unfair. You desperately want to rebuild these relationships into your version of happiness. It could work. But you’ll need to neglect those who were there before your Dad and your current partner. What can you do? How can you juggle? You friends hate the girlfriend you have now. Your mom hates (but actually fucking LOVES) your father. Will the balls stay in the air or fall down with every other lost relationship or friendship you’ve managed to fuck up in the past. Only time will tell. That’s the beauty of this immersive sim game we call life. You can make it your own.

I’m gonna call it a night. I’ve made an ass of myself enough. Hopefully I can private this shit. Good night.

*Touch The Sun - Cryalot*