#those past 5 years were the worse of my life

[mynameisbillandimaheadcase]

🏳️‍⚧️🎉HAPPY 5 YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF ME REALIZING THAT I AM TRANS!!!🎉🏳️‍⚧️

[tomieafterdark]

Toxic!Eren drabble (18+ minors dni) 

Synopsis: you want to break up but your bf is too toxic to allow that. 

Recently I had a conversation with someone and it kind of inspired this drabble (If you feel like Eren is not like canon Eren here, it is because his personality here is also based on whoever inspired this smut), except he did not fuck me after saying he would leak shit if i backstabbed him. Also a tiny disclaimer: I feel like this is obvious but I will say it anyway, everything written in this is purely fictional and should be kept that way. If anyone tries this with you in real life, get help. This is also not an accurate representation of my dynamic with whoever this smut is based on, he just has his “moments” and I like making smut out of them. That is all.

About ten minutes ago, you told Eren you wanted to break up. Things aren’t working out, and he’s way too much for you right now. Instead of having a normal reaction, he does the unthinkable—threatening to leak certain information about you and certain pictures.

It hurts you deeply, not to the core but close enough. Trust isn’t easy to build up, and it was even worse for you considering your past wounds that still haven’t healed. Every bit of trust you had built up just shattered in that moment, as if it was never there to begin with. 

He is dangerously good with words, sometimes it makes you feel like you’re his puppet and he pulls the strings whenever he wants to. Even if you can resist his words, his intense stare will pull you in instead. He has the most beautiful eyes, of course no one can resist their pull. 

When you were upset about him threatening to leak your information and photos, he just started pulling the strings without a care in the world which is what led you here; back arched, face buried in the plushie, whimpering and crying as he pounds you with no mercy. 

Your mind is foggy, you still haven’t processed the words that came out of his mouth when you wanted to break up. You did not, in a million years, expect those words to come out of him. It pretty much feels like a knife to your throat. Just as you are about to get lost in thought and perhaps cry some more, he grabs a handful of your hair and pulls on it harshly. 

“Get a grip.” He says coldly and lets go of your hair. 

You try to argue back, but he is 5 steps ahead and starts circling your clit before you even open your mouth. Whatever you were wanting to say just comes out as incoherent blabbers and whimpering as your insides squeeze tighter around him. He chuckles in response and mutters “that's what I thought” under his breath.

Since he is 5 steps ahead he is also aware you will cum any second now, which is why he switches positions quite hastily. He has your legs resting behind your ears as he teases your entrance by barely giving you the tip. He knows you get needy and will do or say anything to cum. You look up at him, that smug sadistic look on his face puts you in subspace faster than you can blink. At this point he practically got what he wanted, you won't want a breakup after this. Whatever else he does to you is just for fun. 

“Please..” you plead, looking up at him with puppy eyes. You had cried so much earlier that your face was glowing from it.  

“Repeat what you were telling me earlier babe,” he says while continuing to tease your sensitive entrance with the tip. “Tell me how I am too much for you and how you don't want to continue this!” You can hear the anger in his voice now, he does not take kindly to breakups unless he is the one doing it. This was peak betrayal to him. 

Something about him turns you into a horny nymph, even though this was your chance to resist and actually break up with him, your body and mind were both betraying you completely. You were so desperate for him, being manhandled and fucked disrespectfully hard by him was the only thing on your mind right now. His firm grip on your thighs, as he was pushing them back further, was not helping. He could feel your pussy squeezing and fluttering around his tip, even if you were not saying a word right now the rest of your body was very loud and clear. 

You feel your eyes watering again, from the frustration this time. It doesn't help that he is staring right into them, all while caressing your face. Staring into his eyes, especially with the state you are currently in felt like a trance. You were so lost in his eyes, you weren't even aware of how you were trying your best to move against his tip, completely desperate for any friction you could get.    

You have no idea how much your crying turns him on, same with your frustration and desperation. It was about time he reminded you again of how badly you need him, a reminder that no one but him could get you to act like this just for dick. He was equally desperate for you, probably more frustrated than you but he is so stoic and cold on the outside. You would never know. He had enough of messing with you though, and by the looks of it you were nearing your edging limit. 

His right hand lets go of your thigh, creeping up to your neck instead. He keeps eye contact as he chokes you very lightly. He is so close to your face, staring deep into your eyes with a predatory look. It makes you shudder, but it also makes you want to spread your legs even more for him. 

The way he suddenly bottoms out fully, with no warning, has you seeing stars. You had been in this position with previous partners, but none of them reached this deep inside of you. You have to bite your cheek to not scream, especially when you look down on your stomach for a split second and you can see his dick print on it. You suddenly remember that back when you had just gotten to know each other, you texted him saying you want him in your guts. Looks like you got what you wished for. 

He chokes you harder while pushing your head back, making you look right into his eyes again. His stare is so intense, you want to look away sometimes. His stare made you feel so vulnerable and exposed, it cut right through all your layers and saw right through your soul. It would not be too far off to say his eyes were fucking your soul. 

“I-I’m gonna cum-” you whimper, struggling to keep eye contact. You know exactly what you have to say next if you don't want him to suddenly stop and edge you even more.

“I’m sorry for causing unnecessary drama-” you cry out. “I-I was wrong..I do not want to break up..I love you!” 

“That's right.” He smiles and starts thrusting into you even harder, he drops eye contact now and the focus shifts to between your legs. He is obsessed with how you take all of him in so well, he loves watching you swallow him whole and he especially loves that you are so sensitive that you quiver and squeeze around him at every movement he does. 

He doesn't stop fucking you when you cum. Not even slowing down the pace. 

Instead, both his hands are on your hips now slamming you against his pelvis. You keep squirting, but he doesn't stop even for a second. You are so overstimulated at this point, every few thrusts make you cum all over him. 

You are close to tapping out at this point, eyes rolling at the back of your head. You are in safe hands though, he may be toxic and not allow you to break up because he is too possessive and wants to almost own you, but with that comes him being extremely careful of you. He pulls out and slaps you lightly to wake you up, fully attentive of you now. 

“Babe, are you okay?” He asks, albeit in a cold uncaring tone, but that's just how he sounds in general. He really does care.  

He comes back and slaps you again lightly, holding a glass of water in his other hand. You wake up this time. 

You don't really say anything when you regain consciousness nor do you drink the water, you just mumble “I am fine” under your breath and start straddling him. There is something about his caring nature that turns you on so much, his attention to detail is already attractive as it is but when it shows like this during sex it just makes you want him on a different level. 

The breakup was history at this point, now you were on top of him whispering dirty things in his ears. You wanted him to fill you to the brim with his cum, then fuck you with all the cum in you and cum in you some more. You had never met a guy that unlocked this side of you, it feels unreal, he is so perfect it drives you mad. 

“Please fill me up, I need you so bad..” You were crying in his ears as you quickly slid his cock inside of you, wasting no time and starting bouncing on it. “I truly am sorry for earlier, I could never be without you!” 

He is both amused and extremely turned on by your behavior, mostly turned on though as he wastes no time, putting you on your back with your legs on his shoulders. Eren had no idea how hot he looked, the sounds he was making was music to your ears. You were staring in awe as he came inside of you. 

You truly can't get enough of him, so when he collapses next to you on the bed, you crawl over to him licking him clean hoping it will lead to a round two in the shower perhaps. 

Author's note: I did not proofread this. If you find any mistakes, take it to the grave pls. 

© 2024 tomieafterdark | All rights reserved

[heyftinally]

April 30th is the Day of the Homeschooled Child

I was one of the 1.7 million children homeschooled in the USA.

I am also one of Homeschool's Invisible Children.

I was heavily restricted at home - I was barred from nearly everything that my peers were connecting with. I had incredibly limited access to movies and TV, even more restricted internet access, and was even barred from many of the same toys my peers played with. This on top of my academic isolation made socializing very hard.

I didn't relate to my peers socially.

Children younger than me were more academically advanced than me.

I was socially unaware, and frequently missed jokes or made faux pas comments because I didn't understand how to interact with peers.

My ADHD went untreated my entire childhood.

And the issues were not only social. Despite living in a state that boasted some of the most rigorous checks for homeschooled students, I was missed. My portfolios every year were falsified - much of what they claimed I had learned I had little to no understanding of.

By the time I graduated high school "with honors" (that I did not earn and were entirely false), this is a brief list of some of my academic failings:

I had never written an essay, and did not know how

I did not know how to do a critical analysis of a piece of text or media

I was incapable of math above a 4th/5th grade level

I could not tell time on an analog clock

I could not identify more than ~5 states on a map of the United States

I could not identify more than ~5 countries on a map of the world/globe

I could not spell above a ~6th grade level

I did not know that there was proof of life on earth prior to dinosaurs

I did not know that the lymphatic system was real

And so much more.

I entered college woefully unequipped for both the academic and socal demands that were placed on me. At 18, I was closer to as 14 year old, social/emotionally. Academically I was much worse.

I had to work three times as hard as my peers to achieve the same results, battled my still-undiagnosed ADHD as well as my academic and social neglect.

I didn't fully know who I even was as a person, due to spending so many years being expected to fit a specific ideal that was enforced upon me 24/7 through the isolation of homeschooling.

This April 30th, I'm wearing green for Homeschool's Invisible Children - for children like me.

If you are a child experiencing homeschool neglect, please know that you are not alone. There are resources available to you, and your future is not doomed just because your guardians failed to educate you. I'm listing some resources below that may be of help to you.

Homeschool alumni/survivors who resonate with this story: we deserved better. We deserved education. We deserved freedom. It's okay if you're angry at your past. It's okay if you're grieving the life you might have had without homeschooling. It's okay if you're conflicted. I hope you're able to find closure and healing in whatever form that means for you.

And, because I know it unfortunately needs to be said, if you're an ex-homeschooler or a homeschool parent who feels the need to jump on this post and defend yourself, I need you to step back, sit down, delete your comment, and sit with why you feel so attacked by our truth.

This is not a personal attack on you - this is abuse survivors speaking up to prevent further abuse. It is not your place to tell us we should be silent.

"But homeschoolers test better and are more successful!" I'm sure you're dying to say. To wave your statistics at me.

And you would be wrong. Because here's the problem with those statistics.

Let's pretend we have ten homeschooled children and ten public schooled children.

All ten of the public schooled children take a school assessment. Because some excel at different things than others, the public school students average out to an 85.

Only four of the homeschooled children take the assessment. Of the other six, one is traveling with their family during the assessment, two are not permitted because their parents know they aren't up to grade level and fear backlash or judgement, two are mentally or physically disabled and so their parents don't feel the test will adequately display their knowledge, and the last hasn't received any kind of education in years because their parents keep them at home either doing chores, working a job, caring for siblings, or they are simply neglected and spend all day hungry and scared.

Of the four homeschooled children that do take the assessment, they do quite well, as their parents knew/suspected they would. Their average score is a 98.

A 98 is better than an 85, yes. But just because 4 out of 6 homeschooled children were above the public school average does not mean homeschooling is automatically better. If you tested the top four public school students, they might very well score a 98 as well.

However, if you included those other six homeschooled students, the average homeschool score would very likely be something closer to a 45.

So when we talk about Homeschool's Invisible Children, we're talking about those six that never got the chance to take an assessment. Those six who never had a chance to tell a teacher "I'm ten and I don't know how to read". Those six who may not even realize how far behind their peers they are. Those six who deserved to have access to supports so that they could learn in ways that actually met their needs.

So while your statistics look good on paper, they are not honest. They do not present the full picture of homeschooling. Listen to the homeschool survivors who were one of those six kids who never got to make their voices heard. We have a voice now - don't try and take it from us.

Resources for current homeschool students and alumni:

Khan Academy - basically free online self paced K-12 classes. They have fantastic explanation videos for the lessons, you can review them whenever you want, and you don't have to stay in the same grade level for every subject - great if you're trying to catch up and you're in 6th grad for English but 2nd for math. They have courses besides just core classes (math/english/science/etc), too! They run on donations, but it's completely free to use. Also, this site is used in my local public school system to supplement the existing curriculum, so it's not just for homeschoolers!

Coalition for Responsible Home Education - actively fighting for more oversight and restrictions on homeschooling in the USA. They mostly do awareness and advocacy, but they also have resources on their site for things like what to do if you don't have a high school transcript. They run on donations, but the information is freely available.

Probably the most famous resource on this list. Videos that give you a "crash course" (aka a condensed overview) of a wide variety of topics. These are best used as supplement to more structured lessons like Khan Academy, but they have a lot of merit on their own if they're all you can manage. Knowing a bit about something is better than knowing nothing about it!

[aestherians]

Change and Loss

Word count: 1362

Expected reading time: 10-11 minutes

"If your otherkinity still serves you, it will never really leave you," is what I used to say - more as a reassurance than a statement of fact. I mean, how could I know for a fact that it was true? I didn't have any experience with losing a kintype. I still don't think I do; not really. And I always saw the idea repeated in the community - one time otherkind, always otherkind.

But I don't believe that's true anymore. I'm still a bison for sure. I've never doubted that. I'm still Ɐwhrayɐ the gnoll and I'm still Ben the shapeshifter… but I'm beginning to accept that those sides of me have changed.

"One time otherkin, always otherkin. If your otherkinity still serves you, it will never really leave you"… but what if that's not true? What if you still benefit from your kintypes, and they disappear regardless? What do you do if you lose a part of yourself, or if a part of yourself becomes unrecognizable to you? How do you keep living when you've lost yourself?

Sometime in 2023 the distress of always having to hide my true self became too much to bear alone. But I'm not a brave person. I think the better solution would've been to just bite the bullet and start expressing myself, but hindsight is 20/20. I've survived 25 years by hiding everything that makes me 'weird', and the idea of leaving my one dependable survival strategy behind was (is) terrifying. I went to a free self-help seminar ("Take control of your life!") but all it taught me is that I need a dependable support network before I can take control of my life. I went to my doctor to try and get a referral for a therapist (it's cheaper than just finding your own therapist). Instead he sent me to a psychiatrist for my 'delusions'. The psychiatrist told me my experiences, worldview, and self-perception were unusual but not harmful - they could only help if my goal was to get rid of my schizotypal traits (traits that weren't even significant enough to warrant a diagnosis). If all I wanted was to learn how to conquer my fears and express my true self, they couldn't help. It took months of visits to get the diagnosis: Traumatized by peer abuse, too poor to afford my own therapy, and too anxious and ADHD to even find a therapist in the first place.

I can't even say I was left at square one. I had started out hopeful. Nearing the end of 2023, I just felt helpless.

At the same time, my studies were drawing to a close. I completed my bachelor's degree in animal science and all it took was a diagnosis of ADHD so I could legally buy amphetamines, a compound-diagnosis of autism so I wouldn't get kicked out when I inevitably misunderstood exam questions and failed final after final, and 5½ years - almost twice the expected time for a bachelor's degree in my country.

It should've been freeing but instead it left me directionless. Helpless and directionless - that's how I entered 2024!

In the past, in the strictly structured day-to-day of school, my kintypes have been a source of comfort. Especially my Ben fictotype, which probably fell into the category of coping mechanism. I awakened in a time of intense stress and retreated to that world whenever my present life got too much. When crowds got me overstimulated or I missed an important deadline or fought with my neighbors or drifted apart from old friends, I thought about all the times Ben!me had gone through similar or worse. I cut off a friend in my present life after finding out he'd abused his ex - but in my other life I'd cut off a friend who tried to murder me, and things still turned out fine. I lived through it. I could live through it again. Every situation had a parallel in my other life.

I still don't know why that method failed me, but eventually it did. It's not that it didn't work, it was more that I suddenly had to put an effort into making it work. As if I'd always been able to enter Narnia and now suddenly I had to personally petition Aslan to let me back in. It started in the fall of 2023 but it wasn't until spring 2024 that I fully realized. Coping had never been an effort before, and the worst part is, I don't even know why it suddenly was.

My fictotype was drifting away, even when it still served me! This wasn't supposed to happen! Had I been lied to?!

I think our community has a lot of survivorship bias. Whichever mailing lists and newsgroups get archived, and whatever snailmail gets published, that's what our history is based on. The people who made archivable geocities sites get to write our story - not the people on closed forums or in private chat groups. People who leave the community don't tend to leave behind pristine essays on their fully archived websites explaining why they left. It does happen, don't get me wrong, but it's rare. And when they do leave behind messages, it's usually some variant of "I still love the community that fostered my awakening, I'm just an adult with responsibilities now and I don't have time for this."

But what about the people who don't love the community? Who 'unawakened'? Who aren't passionate enough to leave behind a final message? Do we ever hear from the otherkind who 'fizzled out' and became human - or at least lost a kintype?

You can understand my panic, right? I considered turning my fictotype into a copinglink, but my ADHD is so debilitating I barely remember to brush my teeth - no way I was gonna remember to do daily reinforcement exercises. Especially frazzled 2024 me (still frazzled as of June but I'm hanging in there!).

I was forced to accept whatever my come.

I'm still Ben, on some level, but I won't say "I'm thankfully still Ben," 'cause is it really that bad to not be Ben? Even if that facet had served me well and could still serve me? $1,000,000 could serve me well, but uselessly pining after it doesn't serve me.

I didn't prepare myself for loss because I really wasn't sure I was gonna lose a part of me - and, in any case, grieving preemptively is a waste of energy if you ask me. Instead a turned to the Bison - not my own bison theriotype, but the archetype of the Bison. When one woowoo solution fails, why not try another?

The Bison has always been a good teacher to me - better than any self-help seminar or psychiatrist. The Bison takes everything in stride. The Bison survives until it can thrive. The Bison ruminates on the present, it doesn't ponder the future. The Bison doesn't grieve or fret unnecessarily. It exists in the now. I exist in the now.

Of course, the chance that anyone reading this works with the Bison spirit is slim, but I think its teachings can help everyone - regardless of spirituality.

When turning to other worlds doesn't aid you, accept it, and turn to the present world. Let your worries pass through you, you can't see clearly when you're pent up with worry. You can't prevent the seasons from turning, all you can do is turn with them. Accept your lack of control, instead of trying to grasp at the uncontrollable. Sometimes change is unexpected, and you may not like it, and it might not even open up new doors for you. Not all change is good. But you cannot prevent every unwanted change, and you have to keep living regardless.

My fictionkinity doesn't have the intensity of my first few years post-awakening, but it also doesn't have the casual reassuredness of decade-old kintypes. It comes and goes, and when it comes it's like a whisper. And one day it might become too quiet for me to notice. One day it might not return.

But I think I can live with that.

[iam93percentstardust]

one of the things that really bothers me about modern franchises, and in particular over the last 5 years or so, is their refusal to commit. what i mean here when i say this is that it's not uncommon for a major franchise to make a decision, whether about the plot or the characters, that should have had huge, world-changing consequences... and then just never address that again or worse, immediately go back and undo it. and i'm gonna pick on star wars and the mcu here because those are the two big franchises i'm into at the moment (and i think they're kind of the worst at this), but i don't want you to walk away from this thinking that this is solely a disney thing. i've seen this happen with game of thrones and supernatural and plenty of other non-disney franchises. spoilers ahead, you've been warned:

in ant-man & the wasp quantumania, scott and hope make the life-altering decision to stay behind in the quantum realm and defeat kang instead of going through the portal to return to their world. this should have been a huge meta decision for the mcu, and when i first saw it in theaters, my immediate thought was wow, what is this going to mean for the mcu going forward? are we going to get a movie/miniseries about scott and hope helping to rebuild the quantum realm? how are cassie, janet, and hank going to react to the losses of their loved ones (in some cases, for the second time)? is cassie going to become the "first" young avenger because she has to take her father's place among the team lineup (and i only say first because as of this moment, none of the other young avengers introduced to the franchise are official avengers yet)? except nope, because less than 2 minutes later, cassie had fixed the portal that had broken way back at the beginning of the movie and brought scott and hope back.

and it felt like such a cheat. i was so disappointed in that theater, not as someone who was invested in these characters on a personal level (because yay, cassie gets her dad back!), but as someone who has spent years investing themselves in the story of the mcu. what was the point of wasting screentime on scott and hope accepting their new lives in the quantum realm if it was just going to immediately be undone? the entire scene could have been cut to scott and hope making it back bare seconds before the portal closed and it would have had the same emotional impact. there was nothing added by making scott and hope (and us) think that there was no way back only to rip the rug out from under us and go "gotcha! you really thought we were gonna give this movie a sad ending? haha! you're so dumb!"

and this isn't the first time the mcu has done this. one of the biggest complaints about endgame was the decision to set it five years in the future with no consideration for how that would actually change the setting of the mcu. characters were brought back to the exact place they disappeared from with no consideration for how things might have changed in the interim five years (like planes that weren't in the air anymore, buildings no longer standing, even just something as simple as a chair being unoccupied). and then the mcu didn't even really have the courage to address how this would have shaped the world other than a few jokes and making the bad guys in the falcon and the winter soldier people who cared about how the world had screwed them over during the blip.

and things like this happen over and over and over again. the accords are put into place in civil war, but by the time we get to she-hulk, they're gone with no explanation because, as best as i can tell, the writers didn't want to have to deal with the worldbuilding that went into the accords. gamora is killed in infinity war, but heaven forbid quill not have an emotional investment in a film he appears for maybe 10 minutes in so now she's back in endgame. steve got to go live in the past with his ex-girlfriend (which is in itself a refusal to commit after the mcu both gave her a different husband and had the woman herself tell him to move on) but we need to establish that messing with timelines is bad because that's what the entire next phase hinges on so actually his ending was predestined and it's only everyone else who can't change time. whoever took this entire town and also wanda hostage and forced them to live out a sitcom fantasy is bad and needs to be stopped but wait, it's actually wanda and she can't be the bad guy yet, we need her for doctor strange 2, so actually everyone's going to defend her now and say that no one else could ever possibly understand her grief. thor has decided to accept responsibility as king of asgard, but we can't use him for any more movies if he's stuck in asgard, so actually he's decided to pass it on to someone whose entire leadership capability is developed offscreen. i could list more examples but this is making me angry, so let's move on to star wars instead.

with star wars, i look at first the oft-quoted meme, "somehow palpatine has returned." yeah, i shouldn't really need to go into detail on how that counts as a refusal to commit but. the last jedi was a study in how johnson refused to commit to anything that abrams had laid down in the force awakens, but rise of skywalker was almost like abrams had looked at the franchise and said "screw you for taking it away from me, i'm going to come up with the most bullshit stuff just to spite you for doing that in the first place. and i'm going to start by undoing the most important plot point of the first trilogy: the emperor dies." and yeah, disney's kind of tried to salvage this by dropping hints into the bad batch and the mandalorian about cloning, but that only really works if you're watching the franchise chronologically and not considering that both of those series came out after rise of skywalker.

and then there's the mandalorian, my sweet summer child, who is, in my opinion, the worst at backtracking their plot points. i'm not entirely convinced that any of the higher ups for this show really knew what they were doing when they started working on it and i'm not convinced that they know what they're doing now. yeah, there's the tie-in to the last season of clone wars, but the mandalorian has managed to walk back pretty much every single major plot point it's had. din is this legendary warrior who can't be beat, but no one will watch this show if he defeats everyone too early, so he's constantly getting beat up (tbf, sometimes some of the fights he loses makes sense like the krayt dragon and the mudhorn, but a lot of them don't. at all). moff gideon is dead, no wait no he's not, now he's imprisoned, no wait no he's not, now he's definitely dead, you can totally believe us this time guys. grogu can use the force and must be placed with the jedi, but wait, the only person still actively teaching the way of the jedi is luke and all of his students will be brutally murdered ten years from now, and we can't have that, everyone will be mad at us for killing off such a cute character and no one will buy baby yoda dolls (and also we have to set up luke's character degradation from hopeful, believes-in-love cinnamon roll to "i'm going to kill my nephew") so in between seasons let's have grogu decide to go back to din (and don't even get me started on how frustrating it is that a casual mandalorian watcher also had to watch book of boba fett to understand why grogu is back). din has the darksaber now which makes him king of mandalore, that's totally going to be important and what the entire series has been building up to, right? wrong! he might have spent the first two seasons making connections, learning about the world outside his sheltered upbringing, and demonstrating the various qualities that would make for a good leader, but the entire third season will be about din realizing that actually he's super unworthy and the darksaber should actually go to someone who... saw an animal in the water.

and it's really, really frustrating as a viewer! because how am i supposed to get invested in any of these plot decisions when they almost always get reversed? why should i care that mj and ned have forgotten peter when ant-man 3 has shown me that they'll remember him the next time they're all on screen together? why should i care that tech is dead when half of the last season of clone wars was about how echo was actually alive? if none of these decisions have any permanence, then where are the emotional stakes? why should i watch your movie if all you're going to tell me is that nothing matters?

[steviescrystals]

sorry i’m actually not done this is my diary now

i seriously need to get a new job and start making money again asap bc i cannot keep living at home much longer it’s driving me insane

(wrote an entire essay in the tags without meaning to oops)

[stormqueen280]

Climate change is undeniable

Brazil's southernmost state, Rio Grande do Sul, is going through the worst flood of its history. Almost half the state is underwater, including state capital Porto Alegre. There are pictures in news sites that are absolutely terrifying. I have seen videos of at least five different bridges being carried out the the water in the past four days only.

Rio Grande do Sul underwent a big flood last September, and it was already incredibly frightening. There were storms in June and November too, but September was bigger. And this current storm has been lasting longer already. Things are likely to get worse in the next week - weather forecast says rain will give the state a break starting tomorrow, May 5th, but by the 8th it should be raining again.

The pictures explain better than my words can:

But if Rio Grande do Sul and its neighboring state Santa Catarina have been facing massive floods, the rest of the country is going through the fourth heat wave of 2024 (they consider a heat wave when the weather is over 5° C above the average temperature, for several days). Now, you must be thinking: Brazil is a tropical country, it's supposed to be hot.

It's not supposed to be 37° C in fucking May.

We have a state in the southern region, called Paraná, whose capital city, Curitiba, is the coldest state capital in Brazil. In fact, there is a stereotype (very much confirmed) that Curitibans are insufferable when it comes to talking about the weather, because no Brazilian, in any place of the internet, talking from anywhere in Brazil, can complain about the cold without a Curitiban showing up from nowhere and saying "well, but here in Curitiba is colder". They really are that insufferable.

Curitiba's average temperature for May is 12° C to 21° C. I just checked: it's 28° C right now. Curitibans have taken to forums to complain about the heat, which must be unheard of, because those assholes (I love you guys, but you're assholes) can't stop talking about the cold all damn year. I have never, in 40 years of life, have seen them talking about the heat so much.

When I was a kid, i used to wear coats for some periods of the year. Rio has never been a place to wear heavy coats, but you know, long-sleeved shirts, a denim jacket during the winter? Normal.

I can't remember the last time I consistently wore a jacket. It was probably before the pandemic, and only because of the air-conditioner at work. It just isn't cold enough to wear anything more than short sleeves for more than three or four days in the entire year.

Climate changes are undeniable. Anyone who's denying it is either incredibly stupid or incredibly ill-intentioned.

[chrisevansonly]

Block Out the Noise

pairing: harry styles x female reader

summary: sometimes you just need to listen to your song and love on your boyfriend to make the negative thoughts go away

warnings: mention of past abuse, talks of depression and suicidal thoughts, potentially triggering(?!) very soft and caring harry<3

a/n: i wanted to write something about matilda because it’s a song that I hold so close to my heart. from growing up in an abusive home and needing to take care of my brother from age 6 and up, when i heard matilda i knew it would be a song i’d cherish forever. this is a fic i hold close to my heart because i was that scared and small little girl who didn’t understand why i got anger taken out on me and why i had bruises when other kids didn’t. you’re not alone, you’ve got me in your corner and your stronger than you know, i hope my inner child knows that too<3

No one asks to be born into a world of chaos and fear, especially not when you’re a child. Wondering why your parents fought, the screaming matches, the subtle bruises you somehow ended up with because you ‘stood in the way.’ As a child you never knew what went wrong or what you did to be treated this way but you still tried your hardest regardless of the war zone you once called home.

you were riding your bike to the sound of its no big deal, and you’re trying to lift off the ground on those old two wheels..

You taught yourself to read, to cook, to take care of yourself and your siblings. Going as far as to teach yourself to ride a bike and even drive, you raised yourself in a world where you wished you hadn’t needed to do that. When you got to high school the insults from your father got worse, the insecurity creeped in and you struggled with self worth and self harm.

nothing about the way that you were treated ever seemed especially alarming til now..

Then came college where you worked three jobs to pay your tuition and fought tooth and nail to get the best grades and work your absolute hardest to get your degree which you did all on your own. Mental illness and recovery was never linear and you battled some of your darkest days throughout college and even towards graduation when you met Harry.

so you tie up your hair and you smile like it’s no big deal

Harry was your world, he was the calm through the storm, the light that helped guide you through the tough times, he truly was your best friend. You’d been together now going on 5 years with no plans of ever separating from one another. He always told you that you provided just as much safety and comfort to him as he could to you.

you can let it go, you can throw a party full of everyone you know and not invite your family, cause they never showed you love, you don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up

-

Now you were 26 and worked at your dream job, your life was filled with so much love and so much joy sometimes you found yourself needing to take a step back and just breathe, reminding yourself your life was real. Of course you had your rough days, and after the meeting and scolding you’d gotten today, all you wanted was to get home and see Harry.

matilda, you talk of the pain like it's all alright, but I know that you feel like a piece of you's dead inside

When Harry had started working on the album, he’d told you he was writing one very special song he couldn’t wait to share with you. So on the day that he sat you down and let you listen to Matilda, by the second line you were looking over at him with tears in your eyes, bottom lip wobbling ever so slightly and he was quick to pull you into his chest.

You showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days

When you arrived home you dropped your work things by the front closet, kicking your heels off and dropping your shoulders in exhaustion. Harry wasn’t home yet so you allowed yourself a few minutes to get some water, your headphones and settle on the couch with a fluffy blanket.

it’s none of my business but it’s just been on my mind

On natural instinct almost, you allowed the soft melody of matilda to play through your headphones, eyes closing as you sunk into the cushions. It wasn’t as if you were trying to cower from the overwhelming feelings you had in this moment, but more or less trying to let them flow and escape from your mind

you can let it go, you can throw a party full of everyone you know and not invite your family, cause they never showed you love, you don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up

You hadn’t even noticed the tears steadily falling down your cheeks, your breathing picking up slightly as you pulled the blanket up further, attempting to wrap yourself in more warmth. It wasn’t until you felt gentle fingertips dancing across your face that you opened your eyes, Harry looking at you in concern. Pausing the song you pulled your headphones off and sent him a soft smile

“Hey m’love…”

“Hi”

Lifting the blanket up you let him cuddle in next to you, the instant comfort you felt just from being wrapped up in his arms was enough to blow the stress and pain from the day away

“You okay y/n?”

Nodding you leaned further into him

“Just had a really bad day…got yelled at and it just made me think of old stuff and I don’t know…f-felt a bit sad”

Harry placed a soft kiss against your temple

“I’m sorry today was so tough, I know it was probably hard to remember what it was like growing up too..can’t blame you for feeling upset”

His hands ran up and down your arm softly, the constant touch helping to keep you grounded and in the present moment.

“You know what I think?”

Looking up at him you furrowed your brows

“What?”

Placing a kiss on your lips he smiled

“I think you are the most beautiful soul, inside and out. Despite everything you’re still here, fighting and working hard day in and day out. You don’t ever have to feel sorry or feel bad about doing everything you’ve done on your own, and allowing yourself to love and experience love despite it all”

“H…”

He was quick to swipe a tear from your cheek before continuing

“I love you so much, you’re my now and my future. Seeing you grow and flourish into the woman you are today has been a privilege to witness and support you through. I admire you so much m’baby, you’ve never let anyone dim your light and m’so lucky to get to love you”

Anything you would have said to him in this moment was caught in your throat, so wrapping your arms around him and holding him tight was enough for him in the moment. Harry was the moon and the stars to you, he was your whole universe and he’d been helping you heal since you’d been together. You’d done the hardest work on this journey, he had just been there to support and love you through it so he says.

“I love you so much H, thank you for letting me start a new family”

“I’ll always be your family, you’re safe with me my darling, always”

Matilda was a song that would forever have its hold on you, and it was even more special knowing Harry had wrote it thinking of you, including you in his album and one of his projects he really loved. The love he’d shown you and continues to show you had only helped you come out of your shell and finally feel as if you’d found your place and purpose in this world.

Harry was your home, just as you were his.

a/n if you or someone you know is struggling with abuse please reach out to someone you know, whether it be a friend, family member or adult you trust. I’d only wished i’d done so earlier, i’m here to help and support you guys in anyway I can. You are loved, you are cherished and you are worth it.

[writing-like-a-whore]

sae itoshi

“i can find numerous ways to fuck you, pretty.”

sae itoshi x fem!reader. where sae has an issue getting the new intern out of his head.

warnings- 18+, minors dni, nsfw, smut, saes ofc a bitch, use of slut whore etc, degradation kink, and yk the usual

"you just need to be laid," sae's personal assistant told him. sae flipped him off as he left. it had been a year since bluelock and sae decided that what was going on in spain before was what worked best for him. so here was, playing for the team that made his life different, although, he didnt know if it was for the better or worse.

sae's assistant wasnt wrong tho, he really needed to get laid and soon, his sexual frusturation was getting out of hand (pun intended sorry ok.) there was no shortage of gorgeous hispanic women around him but somehow none of them seem to cut it for him, he had a quickie with this woman who called herself his fan yet couldn't even name him, which in retrospect shows how desperate he was but also shows that people are shallow. (he rly didnt wanna admit he's starving for sex be real)

sae's assistant, ruben, who had been incharge of sae's work for the past year was younger and more fun than his predecessors. sae liked him so much that he even gave his number, voluntarily, without any pressure. it wasnt long until ruben invited sae for parties and beers and the two became friends. it also wasnt unusal for ruben to text message sae updates. "my law intern starts tomorrow so pls dont throw daggers at her," the text read. sae replied with, "no promises," and could particularly hear ruben's sigh. sae didnt put much thought to it and continued with his day as usual.

the next day, sae woke up at 5 and ran for an hour before his 2 hour practice schedule. he loved doing the workout that came afterwards. one could say that a follow up workout after 3 hours of running and practice was excessive but he was a pro player and this was his job. sae reached his house roughly around 9:30 or 9:45, since the door was open he assumed it was ruben and the new intern. sae overheard ruben explaining something to the new intern but he'd rather shower than listen to wtv they were doing.

after a very relaxing and much needed shower, sae went to the kitchen where they two were. what sae expected was a nerdy law student in his house, but what met him was perhaps the most gorgeous woman he'd seen. you didnt have a model type zero figure, hell you werent even skinny, but something about your round ass and thick thighs (save lives) that just really made sae stop in his tracks.

"sae, meet my new intern," ruben said, referring to you. you said a good morning to him and took the nod that followed as a quiet dismissal so you turned your attention to ruben and talked about work. sae hated that a little.

over the course of the next few days, sae would hang around the kitchen counter which you and ruben used as an office now. he'd watch tv or grab a snack every now and then just to sneak a look at you. you always wore those beautiful trousers that hugged your rear and flared at the bottom. sae was also quick to notice your deep neck shirts which were professional for most of the part, except for when you'd lean over the counter when you were listening. he knew it was pathetic and perverted behaviour but to his defence he found you hotter than he should.

days passed and his need for you just increased. sae would never admit it to anyone but he might've fantasised about you a little. today, it was evening and you and ruben were still at the couch. sae hated that you didnt talk to him much or gave that pretty smile you did to ruben, he would also not admit this. you get up and politely say good bye to the two of them.

"hey, sae?" ruben calls out, "yes?" he replies. "there's a party tonight and i was thinking you can join us. y/n is going too." sae noticed that ruben said that in a weird tone, "what am i supposed to do with that information?" he asks. ruben chuckles, "look. i know that you have a thing for her, and if she wasnt sm on the borderline of being a nuerodivergent coded woman, she'd know too. maybe she's the one you need to get laid with." sae rolled his eyes but didnt deny what ruben said and also got ready.

and boy was he glad that he did. you were wearing a skimpy outfit. or maybe its in his head. you wore a bodycon blue satin dress under a sheer blue and purple gradient mesh dress. your hair wasnt tied and you looked gorgeous. sae could see every roll and what he wanted to do- "stop staring and just talk to her," ruben said, "im gonna go find someone to fuck too. see ya tomorrow," and he was gone.

sae walked up to you, you were now at the bar, sitting alone, thankfully. "hey," he seemed to have startled you, "oh, sae- i mean mr. itoshi, hello. i didnt think you were gonna be here," you say. "i didnt think i'd be here either, and its sae." you divert your gaze to the bartender and say, "yes, okay. so sae, how are you enjoying this party?" you ask. "not a lot, i'd rather get out." you slam your hand on the table and say, "oh. my god. me too. its so boring, i didnt think clubs would be this bad." sae liked how comical your expression and reaction was. "do you wanna get out, go somewhere else?" sae asks. your eyes widen but you say yes anyway.

sae takes you in his car and asks if you'd mind going back to his place. you said no because it was one of the only places in spain you liked. sae asked you about how youre here. "well, im a college student and i'm here for an internship for doing well in law school. i think it's an internship for six months but if ruben and his company likes me, i could get a permanent job here." sae nodded and you two had some more conversation.

you two were still talking when you reached inside of sae's house. and no matter how many times you told yourself you were just tipsy, you knew it was smth sober you also wanted to do. you grabbed sae and kissed him. sae was taken a back a little but when he registered what just happened he snapped. he closed the door shut w one leg and one arm engulfed you closer to him while his head grabbed your hair and pulled you in for a kiss. it was nothing short of a feral kiss, he kissed you like he was a starved man.

he didnt stop kissing you when he took you to his bedroom. he didnt stop kissing you when his hand went down to graze your thigh. you were the one who broke the kiss when his hand reached your panties and rubbed back and forth. “so wet,” he said as he dragged your underwear aside and fingered you. “be a good doll and ride my fingers sweetheart,” he said as you barely understood what was happening. pleasure and nothing but pleasure surrounded your head.

you then instinctively got down on your knees. he liked that he didnt ask you to do it, you just did. your hands pulled down his pants and boxers. you took his length in your hand and rubbed it a few times before taking it in. he grabbed your hair as you looked up at him, so pretty with your doe eyes looking into his. he wanted to be gentle with you but you batted your eyelashes a few times and he lost it. he thrust his hips into your face and came to the site of you gagging on his cock.

“enough of you doing the work, princess. my turn” he practically threw you on the bed as he commanded to get on your hands and knees. he put his hands on your hips and pulled you back. your moaned as your sensitive part hit his cock and he ground his teeth like he was grinding your pussy. “not so soon,” he said as he pulled back and kneeled this time. he took your panties off and brought your ass which was in the air closer to his face. you moaned as he ran his tongue up and down. he used two fingers to separate your folds as he repeated his motions but on a much sensitive part. your legs quivered as he went on and his pillows no longer muffling your screams.

sae decides to tongue fuck you a little longer and then when his cock started aching and he knew you were about to come, he pulls back. you whine in protest but he says, “you come when i tell you to. do it before that and you’ll pay.” you meekly nod, your ass and pussy still in air at display for him.

so pretty he says and puts his cock slowly into you. your body shudders in delight and sae grips your hips tighter. he pulls you back and forth as he slams into you. “i wanna go slower but fuck.” you get on your elbows now and shake your head, “dont go slow. fuck me hard.” he nods and says, “you gave me permission,” as he picks up the pace and fucks you. you scream as both of you come. sae slaps your ass one last time as you both fall down onto the bed.

“fuck.” is all you say. sae chuckles as he gets up to kiss you. he brings in a cloth towel and cleans you up. maybe spain changed him for the better.

~~

this was so long sorry 😭😭

banner credit @cafekitsune

[cosmicpearlz]

you don’t go to parties

summary: being overwhelmed can cause a person to push away the one person they really needed most in that time.

pairing: jenna ortega x fem!reader

a/n: i was inspired by the song ‘you don’t go to parties’ by 5 seconds of summer! hope you guys enjoy!

…………………………………………………………………………….

taking a quick glance at the clock that rested on a table beside the couch you currently sat on, read five o’clock. the loud music still thumbing even in the early hours of morning. the party and alcohol couldn’t change your sour mood, not when you were reminiscing about your ex.

jenna was (still is) the love of your life until she decided randomly to call it quits without so much of a second thought. you guys had been together for two years and apparently that wasn’t enough to save the relationship. you weren’t sure what went wrong when she pulled away from you but you knew it hurt like hell.

during every party that you went to, you were expecting to see her. you guys were always seen arriving together and being wrapped around each other. but it was as if she became a ghost and disappeared because she never showed. not once did that stop you from trying to seek out the brown haired girl, even if it was just a small glimpse of her.

“c’mon y/n, we should go,” emma pulls your attention away from your own thoughts. she held out a hand for you to grab, which you take immediately and stand to your feet. making your way out of the frat house, you guys start your journey back to the dorms.

“i’m sorry i haven’t been much fun lately,” your lip begins to wobble and eyes glinting with tears.

“listen, i know you’ve been dealing with a breakup. i’m sorry if it seems like i’m pushing you to be the happy girl you were before the mess,” emma wraps an arm around your shoulders while you wipe the loose tear drop.

“what are friends for?” you whispered into the silent air. you knew you weren’t going to get over the girl any time soon. not when the memories still burn freshly in your mind.

-

jenna was drowning. drowning in school work, life and regret. the moment she uttered those unforgettable words, she regretted it. the look on your face was deeply ingrained into her brain. she wished she never said those words and broke your heart.

she wished that she just told you what was wrong. how the pressure of making sure her senior grades were perfect. the thoughts and anxiety of what your relationship would change or evolve to after school. everything was too much and she desperately needed a way out. jenna thought that breaking up with you would be one less stressor, instead it made things worse.

the girl stopped going to parties when she realized you wouldn’t be there to drape your legs into her lap or let her sit on lap while you wrapped your arms around her waist with your face in her neck. she missed you and wanted to reach out but didn’t know how to after what happened.

“jenna, you have to go to this party with us on friday!”

“no.”

“why not? you and y/n have been broken up for almost two weeks now. what better way then to get drunk and forget!”

“too many memories.” hunter sighed and grabbed the girl’s hand to get her attention. jenna looked up from her textbook with a slight frown.

“i’ll be with you the whole night. i just feel like you need to get out a little bit and enjoy life. you’ve had your nose in the books since the breakup.”

“fine, i’ll go. you can’t leave my side though.”

“deal.”

-

another party and another couch to sit on. you nursed your third cup, watching everyone else dance. you looked towards the door again hoping to see your past lover and in walked said girl. your eyes widened at the sight of her. she was dressed in dark washed jeans and a simple black strapless corset top. her brown hair kept down framing her gorgeous face. you knew you should look away but you couldn’t take your eyes off of her.

her gaze set on you immediately, catching you already looking at her. it was as if time stopped and everyone in the room didn’t matter. just the two of you as it was before. hastily you got up from the couch and ran to find a spare room. there was an ache in your chest and your eyes watered.

jenna ignores the calls of hunter and emma, on a mission to find you. she needed to make it right. she wanted you to know that she still loved you despite whatever you were thinking.

it didn’t take long for the girl to be right behind you. pushing herself into the room before you had the chance to close the door on her. the music was muffled and all that was heard was the heavy breathing between the two of you.

“what do you want jenna?”

“to talk,” you scoffed and crossed your arms over your chest. jenna looks down at her shoes unwilling to see the glare you had towards her.

“a bit late for that. i can’t do this,” you walked towards the door and jenna jumps in front of it preventing you from leaving.

“i want to explain. please.”

“explain what huh? explain how you broke up with me without giving me a proper explanation!”

“yes!” the shake in her voice was evident as you got done yelling at her.

“i want to leave.”

“no. not until you let me explain than you could go back to hating me. i just want to tell you the truth,” your gaze softened with her saying you hated her. you could never hate her, not one chance.

“fine,” you walked away from her to sit on the bed, keeping your attention on the girl. jenna picks at the skin of her nails suddenly nervous again.

“it wasn’t you, it was me and-“

“yeah right.”

“listen to me please. it seriously wasn’t you. i was overwhelmed with school work and.. and i was scared about how life after college would look for us. i thought that by breaking up with you, i would be less stressed but it made it worse. i’m so sorry y/n,” tears fell from her eyes with each word she spoke.

“why didn’t you come talk to me?”

“i honestly don’t know,” jenna shakes her head, wiping the tears from her face. you motioned her to sit next to you on the bed. she instantly makes her way to join you.

“you could’ve talked to me about this. i would’ve told you that you’re already perfect in school and your grades are amazing. you’re a hard worker and you shouldn’t be worried because you’re doing great,” you grabbed the girls hands making her look up from her lap.

“as for us, i would’ve told you that i’m always gonna be here. jenna, i’m so desperately in love with you and can’t imagine being with anyone else. no matter what happens in life, i will always want you.”

“does this mean you’ll give me a second chance,” jenna’s bottom lip is caught between her teeth, nervous to hear your answer. she’s met with a light chuckle and your hand brushing her hair behind her ear.

“oh absolutely. these past few days have been hell without you,” jenna springs forward to capture your lips with hers. the kiss was salty from the tears that were shed between the two of you but it was full of passion. two lovers in a case of miscommunication brought back together.

“i love you so much. don’t ever do that again baby, talk to me first. promise?”

“i love you more and i’d be fool to lose you again. i promise to come to you first before anything my love,” she places a kiss on your forehead before leaning it with hers.



[mingiiwingii]

Mastelist. Chapter 1. Chapter 2.

SUMMARY | Hes your baby daddy but he’s also part of the mafia- the boss at that. He left you without saying anything but leaving a note explaining how it was the best for you guys and he would miss you. Then disappearing completely out of your life never being seen again a month before you found out you were pregnant.

PAIRINGS | mafia boss father Bangchan x mother!female reader

RATING | 18+

WARNINGS | suggestive parts in the middle but not to detailed, swearing

NOW PLAYING | Too Sweet: Hozier

LENGTH | 3,377

It was your normal Tuesday, you woke up at around 6:00 like usual on weekdays. You got your stuff out for the shower and your outfit for the day. As you were moving things around on your night stand that you hadn’t rearranged since you first set it up after moving 3 years back, you saw a little piece of paper. You being curious as to what it could be you picked it up and opened it, your hands started to tremble as it was the note. The note that had the very words that broke your heart.

You were on your way for work super excited since your day off was tomorrow and you’d be able to spend the rest of your night with your boyfriend. That meant you got to stay up all night long and wake up tomorrow at 11 but your excitement was later ended when you got home. You checked in every room for you boyfriend of 5 years now but you couldn’t find him nowhere. It then hit you that his car wasn’t in the driveway so he must still be in the office or worse one of those mafia meetings.

Your boyfriend was a boss, but not any boss. He was a mafia boss and although you hated it but, you loved it at the same time. Having a mafia boss as a boyfriend meant protection for life nobody messed with you when they found out who you were dating. But you didn’t really care about that as much as your mother protested against your relationship with the boss you couldn’t help but rebel agaisnst her wishes. After all you loved him he was your first everything since you guys started dating at 17 and 16.

He was your first love, first kiss, first boy you liked, first man to embrace you, first man to tell you that he loved you since your grandfather passes away younger than he should’ve and your father was a piece of shit. Not to mention he was your first time but he was also your last in all of those things.

You decided to just shower since you thought why not since you were at work all day and it’ll be good to unwind and relax. Even when you got out the shower he wasn’t there you went to sit on the couch and watch some tv as you walked past the kitchen to go to the livingroom you saw a piece of paper on the counter but you didn’t bother with it since you thought it was nothing. Even after an hour he still wasn’t home you decided to go to the gym for about two hours by time you got back home it was already 9 but also raining so you rushed back in the house still not seeing his car.

You took your third shower of the day which you only do if you go to the gym which is usually once in a blue moon. You got settled back in your night dress and decided to go make dinner since you were hungry and figure he would also be hungry since he had been out since 7 AM. As you stepped foot in the kitchen you came across the paper again as you went towards it and picked it up to throw it away you then seen the paper had a lot of hand written writing on it.

You decided to read it since you noticed it was your boyfriends hand writing and when you read the full note you immediately trembled and wanted to juice burst into tears.

The note read “hello my sweet girl I don’t what time your reading this at but I just want to say sorry for all of this. Sorry I couldn’t be a better man for you, sorry I couldn’t be there when you woke up every morning and when you went to sleep most nights. I’m so sorry that I can no longer play the leading role in your life, I’m not good for you but your to good for me. I’ll always love you and you’ll always be the only women in my heart for as long as I’ll be alive. Sorry that I have to end our relationship like this but I truly hope you can move on in life and find a man who’s good for you. I may be stuck up on you for as long as I can live but I truly want you to be able to move on find a good man who can make you his wonderful wife, give you his beautiful children because they’ll take after you. With all do respect goodbye y/n.

A month later you kept throwing up once you woke up and your realized your period was late so your best friend said that she’d buy you a pregnancy test and so she did. You took 3 tests and they all read the same thing POSITIVE. You cried all night and day threw your whole pregnancy wondering how could you be a single mom and that the baby would constantly be a reminder of the man who had left you with a huge wound in your heart. When you finally gave birth the baby girl looked just like him when he was a baby.

You would always giggle with his mom over his baby pictures when the two of you were together but seeing that baby girl didn’t make you giggle it made you cry tears for days some were sad a lot were happy. You were just happy that she came out healthy and oh was she full of energy as she grew up just like her father. You struggle sometimes to be her mother because a lot of the stuff and things she did reminded you of him.

You wanted to toss the note but you just couldn’t since beside your daughter it was the only thing you had left of him. You threw the paper back where you got it and undressed yourself to get in the shower. As you were about to enter your bathroom you received a text. Unknown number •is this Ms.L/N?• you felt that it was really weird that you got such a message so you responded back •why do you ask and who’s asking•. You then threw your phone on your bed and went to take your shower.

Why you got out the shower you dried off and quickly got dressed you then remembered the text you got so you opened up your phone and seen they texted you back •I want to meet up and talk about some important business we can meet up at a local café if you don’t feel safe about things• you didn’t know what to do but you took up the offer since it was a public area. •Alright fine meet me at le café at 9:45 am I have to drop my daughter off at school and I’m being something to my mother•

The person like your message then texted back •Would you mind waiting there for 15 minutes since I’m not free till 10:00?• you didn’t mind to wait •yeah sure• they replied back quickly •okay thank you I’ll get us a booth now and do you mine to order me an expresso?• you really didn’t mind •yeah sure what do I say when I get there since your booking the booth?• it took them about 5 minutes to reply back •sorry I was booking the booth I put it under your name• •okay I’ll see you then mysterious person•

You had finally put the phone down around 7:36 which made you a few minutes late to wake your daughter up but that didn’t matter since you don’t drop her off till 9 am. When you woke your daughter up she looked at her clock and realized it wasn’t 7:30 on the dot like usually “mommy why’d you wake me up late?” The little girl questioned you. You smiled and replied “sorry I was busy something” she then nodded her head in an understanding way jumping up out of her bed getting her clothes out. You left her room since she knows how to get her own clothes out and get ready for her own shower after all she is a big girl now.

About twenty- five minutes later she comes out of her room all dressed for the day wearing a pretty floral outfit. Your daughter grew up to be very pretty and cute maybe because she looks like her father. When she came downstairs she could smell her favorite food for breakfast cooking. You were only able to cook for her on Tuesdays since you didn’t have work every other day she would eat different cereals.

Todays you made her waffles with a home made batter, 4 pieces of bacon, 2 pieces of sausage, a scoop of grits, and some scrambled eggs. She may be 6 but she can eat a lot that’s something she got from both you and her father. She ate all her food within 15 minutes and after that you guys were out the door. When you dropped her off to school you happened to see the little girl again and she just so happened to see you as well. You didn’t see her coming but all of a sudden you felt a little girl hugging you legs. Following her was the the women who always brought her there. She kept on apologizing even after you said it was alright and you told her that you had recently ran into her at the ice cream shop with her father Mr.Bang.

The little girl looked at you puzzled “how do you know that my daddy’s name is Mr.bang when you guys didn’t talk that day?” You looked at her feeling that you were in some deep crap “well me and your father have run into each other multiple times even though they weren’t very good interactions.” She looks at you with bright look “so is that why you kept rolling your eyes at him and he just stud there like he was full of regret?” She questions you and you look at her and say “yeah sure that… anyway I have to go I hope to see you again soon sweet thing.” You guys then wave goodbye to each other.

When you got to the café they asked what was the name under and you told them your name. They then lead you to a booth to the further back and asked you what you wanted and you told them an expresso and a cup of green tea. After 5 minutes they brought you the drinks and you continued to wait for the next 10 minutes. When the booth opened you were annoyed with who decided to reach out to you then sit in front of you like they had the right to after all they’ve done.

It’s you” you say as you roll your eyes. “It’s me” he says in husky playful voice. “Mr.Bang since when did you drink coffee you say confused and intrigued that you didn’t get to see such a huge change in him since he always hated it. “Since I’ve been stressed and up all night Mrs.Bang” he says back in a husky tone.

You snort almost busting out in laughter “It’s Ms.L/N we were never married, anyway what did you want to talk about?” He lowers his head and says in a low town that “we never had the chance.” You tilt your head “what was that I didn’t quite catch it” He looks up at you and says “nothing I didn’t say anything anyway I was wondering about something.”

You look at him with a questionable face “alright speak while I’m willing to hear you out, I’m all ears.” He looks at you then intertwines his fingers and rests them on the table “who’s her father” You look at him puzzled wondering if you should tell him the truth or lie but you didn’t want him around nor in her life because you didn’t know if he would leave again so you decided to lie. “Not yours so it shouldn’t matter and for your information my daughter isn’t business she’s a human being.”

He nods his head “darling if you planned on lying to me at least make it more believable like come on Yerim bang. Last time I recall I was the only man you’ve ever been in bed with plus she has my last name and if her and my daughter go to the same school that means their around the same age. Six years old.”

You get mad at hearing him say his daughter meaning the other little girl he was with the other day at the ice cream shop “see you already have a daughter why do you have to worry about mines just worry about your own” you say slight loud with it being obvious you annoyed. He smirks a little “listen she is also my daughter that’s what I meant when I said we needed to talk about business because she’s my business as much as she is yours.” He bites back a little furiously

You scoff “Christopher bang the audacity you have to say that she your business as much as she is mine. SHES NOT YOUR DAUGHTER BECAUSE YOUR NOT THE MAN I SLEPT WITH TO CREATE HER OKAY.” You strike back slightly loud. You can see the hurt on his face it hurt you but you didn’t care he then says “SO WHY THE FUCK IS HER LAST NAME BANG?” He yells raising an eyebrow.

You slam your hands on the table “because that’s her fathers last name idiot.” He looks at you puzzled “see I am her fucking father you big small liar” angered.

You look at him mad and cross your arms “well you wanna know the truth Mr.bang” you ask raising an eyebrow. He nods his head oddly fast so you come up with the biggest fatest lie but it somewhat makes sense. So you nod your head slowly then lean forward “well to be honest with you Yerim is only my daughter not yours” you stop then continue. “When you decided it was a good idea to leave me I booked a flight for the next morning to Australia” you looked away for a quick second then looked back at him.

“When I booked my flight I took my best friend with me since I didn’t want to go alone. When we arrived she hit me in the head and asked me ‘what was I doing out her in this man home town looking for him when he clearly left you.” He cut you off “that’s not-“ you cute him back off so you could continue your story. “Her words hit me and really got threw to me and really wondered what am I doing her looking for a man who left in a house he brought all alone. So she suggested why don’t we go out to a club so I could get my mind off of you and I thought that was a pretty good idea.”

You took a deep breath as the next words came out of your mouth “when we went there about 20 minutes of being there this very handsome man walked up to me while I sat at the bar and sat with me. He complimented me and ask what was my name so I told him my name was y/n l/y and he said on nice to meet you y/n my name is Junseo bang. At first I thought so weird but then I didn’t care. He brought me some drinks took me to the dance floor we danced for a while then he said why don’t we get out of here”

He looked at you with a shocked but her hurt face and it semi broke your heart but you couldn’t back down so you finished talking “we went back to his house and I wasn’t really drunk so I knew where to go when I needed him. Anyway when we got to his house at first he gave me a glass of water and turned the tv. He put on of very good show until sensual scenes started to pop up and that made us keep looking at each other until we both ended up making a move on each other.”

You paused for a second then finished “I ended up on top of him we made out a little then we ended up tumbling to his bedroom while we took off each others clothes once we got into his bedroom the rest was history. You know how babies are made so I don’t think I have to tell you the rest to that beautiful night. Anyway a few days later I started to get morning sickness and me and you hadn’t had Intercourse for about two days for about a week before you left so I knew it wasn’t you but after I slept with him two days later I started throwing up and my period was late so I decided to take a pregnancy test. It came back positive so I went back to his house and told him since me and my best friend planned on staying there for the week.

You look at him while rubbing your hands on your legs “when I knocked on the door he was surprised to see me again but he smiled and asked what I was doing there and stepped aside to let me in then again he handed me a glass of water then I told him at first he was stuck and shocked at first then he nodded his head and sat back. But then he told me that he would come back to Korea with me and he would live there with me threw the pregnancy and our child’s birth so when I flew back to Korea he flew back along with me best friend. Anyway I have to get back to my moms I promised her I wouldn’t be gone for to long and if you don’t believe me I’ll send you a picture of her birth certificate and pictures of her and her father together.”

He looks at you for a second “I would like that actually.” You didn’t expect him to say that you expected him to except it but you already knew what you had to do “okay I’ll send them later I’m going back to my mothers house Junseo is there waiting he’s supposed to be taking her to the park school and he just likes to talk to my mother.” What you were saying wasn’t a lie except he’s not her father but it was true that he was there for you threw all this time and still is today.

You stood up and bowed to him then took your leave on your way out you quickly texted your best friend Junseo about what happened and he flew straight to your house to wait for you. When you got to your house you explained every little thing that happened. “Ok so whats the plan because I know you have one.” You look at him with a sneaky smile “ I’m going to print out a copy of her real one and since the real one is blink for the father’s signature your going to sign on the copy.”

He looked at you and smirked “that’s actually perfect and we’ve always taking pictures with each other because I’m her favorite uncle.” You couldn’t help but burst out into laughter when he said that because she would always beat him up. About two hours after that you took a picture of the fake birth certificate and sent him a little over 10 photos of the two together whether she was to beat him up or if she was actually enjoying time with him and the ones on her birthday all he replied with was a shallow •oh I see I’ll leave it be then• and he actually did or so you thought.

[mintsuwu]

Midnight Mysteries AU Q&A!

Hello! I´ve been opening asks on Twitter recently and a bunch of people asked stuff about the AU. So I thought it would be fair to share the information here as well to keep everynyan updated! I´ll also take the chance to reply to asks that I have pending in my inbox as well.

Which Midnight Mysteries characters would be magical fellas, like "madoka magica, smile precure"?

Probably Poppy or CraftyCorn, the latter was a unicorn after all 👀

Detective Bubbaphant looks like he needs serious therapy /aff

Oh trust me, HE DEFINITELY DOES.

Every single Critter in that AU needs therapy. That´s partly the reason why Rosie (Bobby) became a psychologist /hj

Can I give Officer Kicks a hug?

Sure you can!! Don´t approach him when he´s angry though.

Do you allow OCs/Fanfics or such for your AU?

Yeah, I absolutely do and it makes me so happy that people would like my AU that much! 😭🙏💖

Does CatNap have a tragic backstory or personal goal or is he bad just for funsies? :00

He sort of has a tragic backstory, not too much, but he definitely has his motives... And even though his intentions could be sort of good, his ways are not the right ones (?

Chat, what happens if Officer Kicks is angry?

Dear user, I pray that you never encounter an angry rooster in your life because one nearly attacked me when I was little and it was... Quite the experience-

That aside though, he has an awful temper and can even get violent at times. Kickin´s character development simply hasn´t kicked in yet.

Are LoolaLamb and CatNap dating or does he just like messing with her?

They have been engaged for years. They married out of convenience and their relationship isn´t fully romantic, but CatNap actually cares about her in a way and is kind of possesive of her.

How did you come up with the Midnight Mysteries AU?

Funny enough, the idea simply came to me one day in which I was listening to the Spy X Family openings, and since my previous hyperfixation was The Great Mouse Detective my mind suddenly thought "What if I made an AU inspired on both things?" That added to the fact that I always kinda imagined Bubba as a detective and knew I had to draw it sometime.

Does CatNap just manipulate or make deals with the Sugary Scoundrels to cause trouble?

Sort of! As those two grew up in the orphanage that he runs, it´s more or less their way to repay him the favor, even though they spend most of their days out on the streets roaming around. But they are also lowkey intimidated by Catnap... Though, Bunzo has it worse with Mistress LongLegs in comparison. PD: The girls, specially CatBee, really admire Loola! And the latter is quite fond of them too.

Will the Midnight Mysteries AU have a similar story to Poppy Playtime, or does it only have the characters in common with the original source?

It will most likely have a slightly different route as PPT´s story is not done yet, but there will be events of the AU based on it! For example, The Hour Of Joy took place as well, but the motives behind it will be different.

What year does the Midnight Mysteries AU take place in?

Historically wise, it would take place around 1930-50, I don´t have an exact year but I know it would hace to end in 5 given how Poppy Playtime takes place in 2005.

What was MM Catnap´s childhood like?

I still have to think better on it, but he was a wondering performer! Perhaps specialized in acribatics.

What sort of things did Huggy and his siblings do before working for the railroad? What were their parents like, were they even around?

Their parents died when they were still yound, so Huggy had to raise his siblings by himself. They were later taken into a circus, but things weren´t very nice in there... After leaving the circus he took part on several crimes, being the brute force of the villanous gang while his siblings were unaware of their brother´s felonies. But when he took part in The Hour Of Joy, Huggy decided to change his ways from then on and did his best to leave the past behind along with his family.

What are Angel´s pronouns in the AU?

He/They!

Is Angel close or affiliated to any of the characters from the AU (DogDay for example?)

Yeah! He is allies with Poppy, Kissy and DogDay. Angel shares a parent-son relationship with the latter as they practically raised the poor dog after he had gone through a negative moment in his life.

Is CraftyCorn in the MM AU, or does she have yet to be revealed?

... She used to be(?

Is Billie actually a boy looking for his dad, or a kid playing innocent to help CatNap?

He´s mainly looking for his dad! But I love that twist ngl...

Did DogDay get that scratch from CatNap or something else?

Yes, he got it from CatNap in a fight.

Is Billy´s mom, by any chance, Mistress Long Legs? Does she know?

Yes, she does know but perhaps she wouldn´t recognize him at first as she didn´t raise him and Billie wouldn´t even know how she looks like. Darwin tried not to tell him much about her and her deeds, or at least he wanted to wait and tell him until he was old enough.

How did Darwin go missing, did Billie witness it?

He got kidnapped, and Billie did witness it. He caught sight of the kidnapper but couldn´t catch up to them when he tried to go after his dad.

What happened to Angel?

Many things...

Does Angel have the ability to die and revive in the past before they died? The Angels from the other universes are able to do that too.

No... Or at least, they haven´t tried out yet, so who knows!

"Traitor"? Did Angel used to work for the Prototype before rebelling against them?

Indeed, Angel betrayed their comrades in a very critical moment and since then they all have been searching for him... CatNap mostly. Which is why they usually remain hidden, outcasted and only keeping contact with selective people.

[justanamesstuff]

Chapter 5

Seasons

Matty Healy x f!reader A/N: And one day she uploaded the fifth chapter! I'm very happy to bring you guys this new chapter I had fun writing and editing...it's full of emotions but so am I. I also want to thank you all for patience and understanding while I'm going through this difficult time of my life, i really dont know where i will be without your unconditional love and support!! Please let me know what you think and what you expect for this tangled story <333 love you lots! Warnings: ANGST, anxiety, so many feelings...fluff, cuteness, surprises, typos. Word count: 8.2 K

MASTERLIST TAGLIST

< Chapter 4

Few weeks later, LA

Matty felt the mild temperature on the air caressing his cheeks as he opened the door of his rented car at the airport. Denise and some of her friends were supposed to step out of the big doors in only minutes. Trying to be a good son, he offered himself without being asked. One because he wanted to see his mother and, two, because staying at home with Hann’s eyes following around all the time was driving the frontman insane. They had been going through a weird phase after the talk involving Matty’s feelings and problems. They were good but, at the same time, they weren’t. Just as Matty with Y/N. Why that kept happening to him? No clear answer.

While he waited, Matty walked around the rented car, his hood up and trying to wake up massaging his face harder than intended. He was trying to keep his mind at ease. He couldn’t think about his issues. Quickly, Matty’s hands reached quickly for his pack of cigarettes. 

Matty deliberated a hundred of times if asking his mom about the situation would help, even though it was complicated. He would put her in a sketchy situation, and he was against it. At the same time, he knew very well –deep down– his mother would see through his eyes with her x-ray vision and say exactly what he had to do but was avoiding. 

Matty didn’t feel ready.

He had to decide. To accept what was really going on with his feelings, say those out loud and risk a lot in the middle. Or keep the same behaviour, not only the one he maintained for the past months, for the past years. Either way, he’d continue  hurting himself.

Lies -no matter how suited they could be- at the end are lies anyway. Denying feelings you have, don’t make them disappear…you only sweep them under the carpet and wait for them to explode in your face sooner or later.

The process of accepting is painful most of the time, but isn’t more painful to believe something that is not? Isn’t it worse to maintain a relationship that deep down you knew you don’t want?

Matty was protecting his heart. He was getting himself ready for the next part…for the inevitable. 

After a couple of more minutes, the singer spotted his mother looking for him. At the same moment, his phone rang.

“’Ello?” he answered, throwing away the butt of his smoked cigarette. 

“Hi Matty, where are you?” his mother asked. He gave her the directions, as he waved his free arm in the air. The whole group approached him. “Hi, love!” Denise greeted him, embracing him on a hug.

“Hi, mom.” Matty muttered, feeling the warmth of her arms. He didn’t realize how much he had needed that hug. “How was the flight?” the singer asked politely while greeting his mother’s friends.

“It was good.” one of them responded.

“Where are the others?” Denise asked.

“At the house, I volunteered to pick you up.”

“Aw, my son.” Denise took his face between her hands. 

Matty laughed feeling the tight squeeze. “Mom, stop!” he moved away, feeling like he was a teenager all over again.

“Oh, shush!!” she protested making the rest laugh.

Shortly after, Matty and the group of women got on the car. He started driving, chatting a little with Denise’s friends and her mom. He made jokes, trying to be the nicest he could be.

“So, how’s the record going?” Denise inquired.

Matty didn’t give her much information, “Good, good.”

“You look tired.” she noticed.

“I am.”

“Are you sleeping well?”

“Mom!” Matty whined, stopping at a red light. 

“What? I want to know if my son is alright.” 

“I’m sleeping just right, okay?”

Denise scoffed. “What that even means?” her accent thickened warming Matty’s heart thinking about home. 

“Oh god, I was missing you but…now I don’t know-” Matty teased her. He felt the urge to divert the attention.

“Excuse me, boy? First, I know you missed me- “

Matty smiled wide, “I did.”

“-and secondly, you can’t get fussy. I’m angry with you.” she folded her arms, emphasizing her sayings which was answered with a frown from Matty.

“What are you on about now?” Matty asked her.

“And you dare to ask!”

“Denise…” Matty warned her.

“Y/n? Ireland?“ Matty’s mother started counting, Matty’s face dropping. “Does that ring any bells?” 

Matty scratched the back of his head. “No? I mean- Yes, she’s working over there.”

“Not that! I know that!” Denise shouted. “Well, I’ve already known that.”

Denise’s son turned for a split of a second, staring at her puzzled. “What else then?”

“She’s dating someone! Don’t fake like you don’t know…” she continued rambling, but Matty’s ears closed. His mind was foggy while he imagined Y/n and a boy with no face doing a ton of shit he couldn’t do with her. 

“Like actually dating?” Matty’s voice came out strangled. He didn’t dare to look at her mother.

Denise hide her mouth behind her right hand, gasping, “Oh, you don’t know! She’s going to kill me!”

“Mom…”

“Do you remember Tom?” she exhaled.

“Tom?”

“Tom Blyth.”

“Yes, I do. I saw him at an even, I reckon? Not sure.” Matty’s mind desperately trying to remember how this Tom looked like. 

“Well, they… I don’t know how much I can tell you. I shouldn’t say a thing.” Denise explained, worried. Y/n never told her not to tell, but still.

“Don’t worry, I knew she was dating someone.” Matty lied. Y/n told him about a boy she fancied, not this. Why didn’t she? They talked a week prior, why hide this?

“Oh, okay. I’m really happy for her.” Denise felt a wave of relief washing over her.

“Yeah, me too.” Matty said through gritted teeth.

“It’s lovely she’s dating someone! He sounds like a good lad.” Denise continued ranting, unaware of Matty’s emotions.

“Yes, it is.” Matty couldn’t say more. His heart was aching. 

“Anyway, how’s Nadia?” his mother changed the topic.

“Ah?” Matty snapped out of his daydreaming. “Oh, Nadia- She- Yeah, she is alright. I guess, she’s in Italy right now.” Matty responded. Hoping his mother didn’t ask more. Luckily she didn’t.

Matty drove the group of women to the hotel they were going to stay at. He promised to come back later for dinner, and then he continued his driving.

His mind was nowhere to be found. His heart was hurt. Matty’s body was on pilot mode, he only wanted to arrive at the house and sleep. Just forget the news.

This Tom and Y/n? This new dude and his best friend? He couldn’t picture it. He didn’t want to. Why Y/n never said his name?

Matty was sure that the last conversation they had had was a fully sincerely one. He knew they didn’t talk about many important parts but…why she didn’t tell him?

…………………………………………

Hours later

Matty woke up suddenly. He sat on his bed, trying to calm his breathing. His heart beating so fast, he could perfectly sense it and hear it in his ears. 

After dropping her mother at the hotel, he came back home to sleep for a couple of hours before leaving to set. His life was hectic right now. His mind was troubled. And now his body was showing it more than before. He had to decide sooner than later. This thing was going to drive him insane.

His mother told him a lot of information he hadn’t considered. In fact, he forgot about this guy Y/n talked about. Matty was so focused on his relationship with her. On his relationship with his girlfriend. With maintaining both alive and going. But in the end: one, he wasn’t fulfilling the task, and secondly, he was only focusing on him.

The guy, well, Tom…never was in the equation for him. He kept Y/n in a place, in his head, where she was single and no seeking for a relationship right now. Did she tell him that or he believed it? She did tell him about this guy she had a crush on…but Matty knew that Y/n never took the lead. Probably Tom made a move. 

Matty ripped the blankets from his body, irritated.

He had to be happy for Y/n. He wanted to be happy. Matty couldn’t. He was more than screwed, he realized. The singer couldn’t say it out loud, not even to himself only. But he knew why this bothered him so much.

For a while he sat on his bed, running his hands –desperately– through his curls, trying to find the answer to his sorrows. 

Nothing helpful came to mind, but his breathing settled a little. His mind kept running. 

And then he remembered his dream.

He could picture it so vividly. It wasn’t fully a dream. It was more a memory with Y/n.

The dream took place months after they became friends. That time the rest of the gang wasn’t there, just Y/n and Matty. They had this kind of tradition, like a movie night but different. Instead of films they watched series. Sitcoms in particular. One of them picked two numbers, one for the episode and another for the season.

This time they were watching the office. They loved it. And Y/n particularly loved Pam and Jim’s relationship. Every time they appeared on the screen doing something remotely cute she screamed or remarked it for Matty in case he missed it.

He couldn’t care less about the episode. He was focused on her. How beautiful she got cheering for some random characters. Matty tried to look at her without her noticing. Y/n made him feel so many things back then. 

“Omg, he’s going to propose. Matthew!!” Y/n screamed turning to look at him, and then again to the screen.

“He’s not.”

“He totally is!”

“You already know what happens!” Matty accused her, chuckling. 

“Shh, I want to pretend that I don’t know.” the singer remembered how she snuggled closer to him. “Let…” she pointed a finger on his chest. “me…” again. “be, Healy.” Y/n looked up at his brown eyes, so close and yet so far. Matty’s heart was going to explode on his chest. He stayed there, just looking at Y/n. “Stop.” she looked away after a few minutes without a real reply from him. 

“I’m not doing anything, darling.” he smiled.

“You are.”

“What am I doing?”

“Looking at me.”Y/n said, drawing patterns on his clothed chest around his heart where his tattoo was imprinted. The girl wasn’t aware of the power she had upon him.

“Well, yeah, I’m not blind.” Matty was so surprised about how well he was faking being unbothered. “What’s wrong?”

“You are looking me like that night…” he made a puzzled face. “The night we met.” Y/n clarified. 

“Ohh.” he cooed.

“So- yeah- stop.”

“What if I don’t want to?” he asked cheekily. Matty touched the redness of her cheeks gaining her attention again.

“Dunno.”

“You’re beau-” Matty couldn’t help to start saying. Y/n moved her head forward hiding her face on his shoulder.

“Shh. Don’t. Let’s continue watching.” she made herself comfortable on his left side. Using his shoulder as a pillow this time. Matty couldn’t complain. He was happy there, with her, even when the words got stacked on his throat.

Y/n was everything he wanted back then. Why did he stop trying? Yes, they were friends. That was the most important part of this mess. Although he hated himself for not trying enough, for not waiting enough, for being an idiot, to realize late all of this when she was apparently starting a relationship with someone else, and he was in a former one already.

Nadia. He kind of used Nadia. He loved her, but not in that way…or not any more as the beginning. Matty couldn’t keep with that. He was going to hurt her so much..if he wasn’t already. Why he convinced himself he was ready for a formal relationship with someone else when in fact he wanted her? 

 If he broke the relationship, both of them would get hurt. Nadia doesn’t deserve that, in fact, she deserved better than a half love. It was the best, in the way that he had to let her have a better opportunity.

Matty ran his hands through his hair anxiously for a million time. He needed to know about this Y/n and Tom thing. He had to be sure if it was a real thing. Not because it would help. It would hurt in fact, even though he had the urged to know. He couldn’t ask Y/n though. Matty was sure that George knew something. He had to ask him.

Matty walked the short distance from his room to the studio downstairs where he knew George would be. 

He opened the door without announcing his presence. 

“Everything okay, mate?” George said in a calm tone without turning, his eyes still on the board in font of his eyes. 

“Do you know Y/n is with a Tom?” Matty didn’t wait a second. 

His best friend’s body stiffened visibly. “Tom? What Tom?” G tried playing dumb, although Matty saw right through him.

“George, I’m not in the mood for this. I know you know. So fuckin’ start talking.” he stated.

“Mat-“ 

The singer cut him short, “Don’t use that stupid tone with me.” Matty pointed his finger even though George couldn’t see him. He sat down on the couch behind G set up. “Please, I need to know.” Matty almost begged. “Can you tell me what you know?”

“Mate, you know I can’t tell you- “ George turned around on his chair. 

“So, she’s…mom’s right- Fuck!” Matty said more for himself, resting his entire body on the couch. 

“What’s going on? Why is making you so anxious?” G asked, with a patience he only had for Matty.

“I- I’m not in a good place right now…everything is- I don’t even know what to say.” Matty chuckled dryly.

“What do you mean?”

“George.“ he hissed.

“C’mon…say it.”

“I’m not ready to talk about this. I can’t- “

“This has something to do about the same feelings you had a while back?”

“Yes.”

“I know.”

George let the silence linger for a second, feeling like a pause between topics. 

“And Nadia?” the drummer asked.

“I don’t know.” Matty closed his eyes, cringing.

“Matty- “ G said in a worried tone.

“I know, okay? I’m going to talk to her…”

“Okay, it’s not going to be nice- “

“Believe me, I know.”

“I think it’s the best.”

“Yes.”

“And… Matty?”

“Yeah?”

George got serious after stating clearly, “You can’t say this to Y/n.“

“I know that too.” Matty responded defeated, hitting his forehead with the palm of his hands rhythmically.

“Mate- “

“I have things to figure it out, but I’m okay.” Matty lied to G and to himself.

G knew he was far from that state, but he wasn’t to push Matty more during that moment. “Okay…” 

“I’ve to go now.” Matty exited the room as fast as he came in.

G moved his face from side to side, praying silently that none of his best friend got hurt after all. 

………………………………………………

A week later

End of March

“What else could go wrong in this story?” Hann thought on the flight from LA to New York. He had no idea what he somehow manifested to happen after that without even knowing.

The first few days were fine, but when the fifth came everything changed. Hann and Matty didn’t talk much, they were still in this particular position since they had the talk. Hann decided to leave Matty alone for a while, but keeping his eyes close in case something happened. 

Strangely, Hann was left alone in the posh studio while the rest of the guys, the producer, and people he couldn’t retain their names even five minutes after meeting went out to get food. It would be easier ordering from an app or something even though all of them needed a break. 

The line connecting the front desk with the private area they had been working in rang startling Adam out of the zone. He left his guitar to the side, running to answer the thing.

The guitarist cleared his throat before asking, “Yeah?”

“Hello, I have a woman here that says he knows you.” the woman’s voice was tinted with suspiciousness. 

“Name?” 

Adam waited for longer than expected, listening quietly while the woman at the front desk asked the other person waiting.

“Nadia Parton.” she finally gave Adam a name.

‘Shit, what was she doing there?’

The receptionist did a strange sound urging Adam to inform her what he wanted to do with Nadia.  “Do you know her?” Hann rolled his eyes at the question and her urgency when she took longer than him asking Nadia only her name.

“Yes, I do. Let her pass, please.” he was short and polite, although he didn't give her much information. 

Adam hang up begging for a moment of peace that didn’t arrive.

…………………………………………….

Matty entered the room first, agitated as well since he played a bet with George that we would get up there before them and proceed to run upstairs. The run didn’t take his breath as much as witnessing Nadia talking calmly with Hann. 

Nadia was there.

To say that Matty didn’t expect her was to highlight the obvious. Matty had been trying to push the conversation as far as he could, and she was there, three meters away from him. He believed he had more time. The universe works differently.

“Hi, baby.” she approached him excited. “Surprise!” Nadia said while hugging him. Matty didn’t know what to do really. He hugged her back and looked at his best friend. Adam moved his shoulder as a sign he knew nothing about this, he even didn’t dear to ask the girl in the half hour they shared.

“I wasn’t expecting you…” the words fell from his mouth.

Nadia took a step back still with her arms around his neck. “That was my intention. I wanted to surprise you, as you did for our anniversary.” she said sweetly. Matty felt a little bit more miserable with each word she dropped. 

“Oh, right. I forgot some special occasion?” he inquired, lost.

She gifted him a big smile. “No, silly! I was missing you so much.” Nadia said, leaving a peak on his lips. A move that made Hann much more uncomfortable, sitting there just watching the scene as in a film. The studio’s phone rang once more, and he hadn’t been happier to hear that sound in his life. 

Adam spoke with the secretary once more informing him that Jack was in his way up.  

After he hung up, Adam tried to gain his friend’s attention at the same time he heard the guys approaching the studio. 

“Matty.“ he said between his bandmate’s name and a cough, getting the attention of the couple, not only Matty’s.

The frontman looked at him for a second time in only minutes, “What?” his face expressionless. 

“Jack is coming, and I think I hear the guys in the kitchen. ” Matty looked at him as if a second hand were growing beside the one holding the phone.

“Alright?”

Adam didn’t dare to look at Nadia. It wasn't rare that friends or family stay during the record sessions, but he was aware that Matty didn’t want her there right at that moment. Hann was trying to gain time and Matty wasn’t taking the hint.

Something must’ve clicked inside the singer’s brain because he continued saying, “Ah- Yes…I mean, top secret.” Matty moved far from Nadia’s embrace one because they were blocking the door and two because he was feeling guilty receiving so much caring he couldn't reciprocate. “Nad, would you give us a time alone? We won’t be long…just Jack checking some stuff about this-”

“Yes, yes…I knew I’ll have to when I planned the surprise.” she said, walking towards him. Matty couldn’t help feeling cornered, although he let her kiss him shortly before heading out of the studio.

When she was out of sight, and they were sure she wasn’t listening, Matty dared to ask, “Did you-?”

“Tell her something? Hell, no!” Hann said.

“Alright, alright…good.” Matty said, under his breath, passing around.

Neither of them continued the conversations. Adam looked how Matty walking in circles before turning around with his eye full of certainty. 

“What?”

“I- “ Matty mumbled the words making it impossible for Adam to hear.

“Come again?”

Matty stood in the middle of the studio, opening his chest, “I’m going to break up with her.” Matty admitted and Adam doubt it.

“Right now?”

The singer chew on his upper lip, “It wasn’t in my plans she was going to- “

“Yeah, I can tell.” Hann said sarcastically.

“This is not funny!” Matty looked at him with a stern look.

“Yes, sorry. And then…?”

“I can’t focus on that now. I have to work”

“Yes, you have to.” neither of them knew if he was speaking about work or something else.

Adam grabbed the collar of his forgotten guitar, leaving his friend with his own thoughts. 

……………………………………………….

Few hours later

Nadia wasn’t an idiot. She knew from a long time up to that moment the fact that Matty was dealing with something. She was confused though. Matty kept sending her way a lot of mixed signals. One day, she was everything to him, he followed her around, being the attended boyfriend or travelling for their anniversary, even though the next day, he was cold and doesn’t seem happy to see her in NY.

She continued dismissing it, thinking it was part of being with a rock star, or ‘Matty is Matty’, or ‘the album is stressing him’; everything instead of thinking he didn’t want her any more. 

The woman was deeply in love with him, Nadia was sure of that. She was head over heels for him. But, was he? ‘Yes’. Why would he be with her if he wasn’t? Matty wasn’t that type of guy, and Matty had shown her that he loved her. Still, something was wrong. Nadia didn’t want to think about it. She was happy with him. Matty was everything she sought in a man. She could deal with this bad moment of their relationship because it would past…or she wanted to think.

After they wrapped for the day, Matty and the rest of the group returned to the hotel. Matty was drained, very tired, so he decided to wait for the next day to talk with Nadia. That’s why she stayed with him in his hotel room, and he was in peace with his thoughts for just a moment.

“Finally, alone.” she said, smiling at him.

“Yeah. I’m going to take a shower.” he said, going to his suitcase.

“Can I join you?” Nadia said cheekily.

“Nad, I’m not in the mood.” he responded, searching for his clothes.

“Oh, okay…” she said feeling slightly embarrassed. “I’m going to call room service, what do you want to eat?”

“I’m not hungry.” Matty replied without looking at her, meanwhile he stood up walking slowly towards the bathroom.

Nadia left the phone on the side table, turning her body to face her boyfriend. Before Matty closed the door behind him, she exclaimed, “Fine, what’s going on?” 

“What?” he didn’t turn around.

“Matty.“

The singer quickly got defensive, “I’m not hungry that’s all.”

“I’m not talking about the food and you know that.” she kept glancing at him. She could tell he was nervous, his back muscles were tight.

“I don’t- “

Nadia left the comfort of the mattress, standing in the middle of the room. “I know you, tell me what is going on.” with a courage she didn’t feel, Nadia approached him, placing a hand on his back and sensing Matty got stiff felt like a dagger ripping her heart.

“I’m knackered, okay? Can we not do this right now? “

“I’m tired of this, Matty. I need you to speak to me if you are going through something. We’re a couple!” she let her hand dropped to her side.

“I- “

Nadia felt desperate. “Please, tell me!”

“Okay.” he turned around. “Please, take a seat.” she obeyed, returning to her previous position.

“I wasn’t expecting you to show up- “ he started to say.

She couldn’t stay silent, her anxiety making her interrupt his rambling, “That’s everything? Me surprising you?”

“Please, let me finish.” Matty scrubbed his eyes. 

“I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t expect you to show up in fuckin’ New York, at the studio. I was waiting to fly back home and talk with you properly.” Matty continued, starting to gain power on his words. “I know my behaviour during the last months weren’t the best- In fact, they were the worst. I’m being a horrible boyfriend, and you don’t deserve this. Don’t- “ Matty stopped Nadia with a signal of his hand when she moved and before a single word fell from her lips. “Please, let me finish. I wasn’t expecting you, but when you showed I decided the best would be talking tomorrow when I’ll be more awake than now. I guess this can’t wait any longer. I know this is going to hurt you, and me too. You’ll hate me for this- “

“You’re scaring me, Matty.” Nadia said worriedly.

“I- I’m struggling a lot with myself. And I don’t think you should…you have to deal with it too.”

Nadia’s eyes stung with tears.“What are you suggesting?” 

“I think we should break up.” ‘I said it, I finally did it’, Matty thought.

“What?” she asked surprised. “If it’s because I didn’t tell you or any of the guys that I was thinking on coming- I’m so sorry.” Nadia tried explaining quickly.

“That’s not why.”

“Then what? You don’t love me?”

“I- I do love you.”

“Then?” she moved on the bed anxiously.

“I love you, but there are things I can’t tell you that I’m dealing with…and you don’t deserve this.”

“There’s someone else?” Nadia hatred herself for asking that. She sounded so cliché.

“It’s not- It’s not exactly about that- “ he said sitting on the bed, reaching for her hand.

“Then what?” she asked again, looking down.

“I can’t- “

“Don’t you trust me?” she inquired, this time crying. She wanted to seem strong, she couldn’t.

“I do. I do. This is- I can’t even think about it without going insane.” he admitted.

They stay for a moment in complete silence. Both of them were hurt. Nadia’s heart was shattered in hundreds of pieces. Matty suffered watching her in that state. Fully knowing that he caused it.

“I’m so sorry.” Matty said verily out loud.

Nadia chocked on a sob, saying, “I love you, Matty.”

“I love you too, Nad.” he reached for her cheek, while she continued crying. “Please, don’t hate me. I mean, I understand if you want to punch me or kick me in the nuts.” she chuckled. “Please know that I’m doing this because you deserve so much better.”

“I don’t know.”

“I know it. It seems like the most horrible excuse, but I mean it. You’re an incredible person, women, and you deserve someone that loves you and treat you better than I do.” Matty admitted.

“I want you…”

“I know- “ Matty sadly said.

After a while Nadia tried to dry the tears that never stopped falling. She told Matty, “I better go.” 

“You can stay till tomorrow.” He offered.

“I preferred not to.” she took out her hand from Matty’s grip. 

“I’m so sorry.” Matty apologized again, staring at her form while she moved around the bed grabbing her stuff.

“I’m too. I wish you the best, Matty.” 

“I don’t deserve it.”

Nadia titled her head, staring for a last time into his soft brown eyes, “You do. I hate you right now, and I don’t want to see you for a while.” she stated, meanwhile Matty answered with a nod. “Don’t reach for me when you are sad, well, you stop doing that a couple of months ago. I don’t understand why this happened but above all, I love you and I know you’re a good guy. You gave me a lot of beautiful moments to remember, you’re a kind soul. I know I don’t deserve this, although you have to know that I stay because you're worth the wait…and if you tell me there is a little part of you that wants me to wait I’ll probably wait. I know you don’t have that part.” she said when Matty opened his mouth to speak. “It hurts so..so much, because I know, I’m sure, that in your own way you love me, you said it too. Sadly, not as much I love you. Because I love you fully. When I love I do it that way.” Nadia stopped and dried her tears once more. “For all we shared and how much I cherish you…I wish you the best. Goodbye, Matty.” she finally said, turning around, graving her suitcase and then left the room.

When the click of the door made a loud noise in the silent room, Matty started to cry. He hurt one of the most important people in his life. Nadia was gone. Matty knew it was the best, and he also knew it was going to hurt. Not that much. He couldn’t complain though.

She didn’t shout, Nadia didn’t even raise her voice. Which, made it more difficult to deal with. Sometimes, it is easier to hate the other and shout. Not the best, or healthiest, just easier. That time was the opposite

Why does he keep hurting the people that love him deeply?

………………………………………………..

The next morning Hann found an obviously tired Matty. The guitarist wasn’t sure if he wanted to ask or not. Something clearly happened, the singer’s face showed it.

They had a free day, luckily for everybody. A couple of days ago, they decided to be the typical tourist and walk around town. Matty wasn’t in the mood for that even though it might help.

Adam knocked on Matty’s door two hours before the activity started. The frontman took his time to prepare even though he ended up showing with a simple shirt and jeans combo. Hann was expecting to encounter Nadia, but she was nowhere to be found. That gave him the first hint. He also remembers what Matty told him the day before. He wasn’t expecting his friend to be so quick about it. Although, he couldn’t assume anything. Adam didn’t want to. He was going to wait for Matty to come around and speak about it.

They stayed in silence for a good amount of time. Matty plopped himself on the bed and rest his head on his hands after opening the room’s door for his friend.

“Nadia left.” he informed Adam when the eyes of the guitarist scanned the room.

“When?”

“Last night.”

“Mhm.” Hann only dared to express. 

“We- I broke up with her.” Matty looked at his best friend, waiting for a reaction.

Adam showed nothing, “Okay.” 

“It was the correct thing…right?” he hesitated.

“I’m not going to tell you what it’s or what it isn’t right, Matty.” Adam clarified. 

“Damn it!” Matty projected himself out of the bed.

“Take it easy, mate.” the guitarist said with a calm Matty envied. 

“How? I mean, HOW? She hates me now. I’m an asshole!”

“Okay, no. Yes, you did pretty fuck up things…although you can’t beat yourself up like at. Everybody makes mistakes, you’re trying to solve them. Focus on that. It’s not nice, because you realize big things, feelings and I understand you’re hurt- “

“I can’t make myself the victim. I know.”

“No, you can’t. Although this is not a Disney film, there’s not a good guy and a bad one.”

“Yes, you’re right.” Matty let a big breath out. “What I do now? I broke up with Nadia, and Y/n is…” the singer started to tell him, and then stop.

“Y/n what?”

“Nothin’.” Matty muttered.

“Oh, no. You’re going to tell me.” the frontman was satisfied with Adam’s nervousness. 

“Don’t you know?” Matty inquired. 

“About what?”

“Y/n is in a relationship.” just saying the words hurt as if someone was ripping his heart out of his body.

“Oh, shit. Did she tell you?”

“No, mom did.”

“Your mother told you?!” 

“And then George quite of confirmed it.”

“Fuckin’ hell.”

“Yeah, exactly. I hate my life right now.”

“Don’t..”

“Let me be miserable for a minute, okay?”

“No.”

“Please.” Matty begged without caring.

“No.”

“Hann!”

“You said it…you’re not the victim. Suck it up, mate!”

Matty scoffed, “Very kind of you.”

“I’m trying to help!”

“Well, you’re not helping…at all.” Matty snapped at him. And quickly regretted it. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” the frontman took a sit on the bed once more and Adam copied him. 

“I understand.”

“Why didn’t she tell me? Or you? Instead, she told George and mom…”

“I don’t know.” Hann lied. He perfectly knew why. He wasn’t even hurt. Hann knew the reasons why Y/n tend to skip talking to him about this stuff. He couldn’t tell Matty though, it wasn’t his thing to tell.

“Should I call her?”

“What? Are you insane?” Adam exclaimed.

“Fine. Yeah, I’m not going to…” Matty hesitated even when the urge to do it was big.

“Please promise me you’ll not.” Hann begged, massaging the bridge of his nose.

“I promise.” No matter how hard it will be, Matty had to stop hurting the people he loved. The first one was Y/n. Somehow, he hurt her. He doesn’t understand why quite well, but he knew it. He can ask her about how was she doing and all of that, although if she didn’t want to tell him about Tom…he had to stay out of that.

Matty had to focus on work again and work only. When he returned home in a month or so he could think what to do. For the time being, he had to fix himself and stay out of more problems.

————————————————————————————–

On the other side of the ocean

Spring was one of her favourite seasons. Y/n loved all of it. From the flowers starting to blossom to the mild temperatures and all in the middle it was a lovely season. Or maybe this year she was looking at it with other eyes.

The woman was happy beyond the imagination. Finally, after many months she was in fact and without a doubt happy. She longed for that moment and now she had it. The positivity she irradiated was amazing. Y/n was giving so much, and the universe responded or herself in a state of pure happiness wanted to believe that.

Y/n was euphoric for all the work she had done in the previously few months with herself, how much she grew. She took a step aside from the horrible place where she was, Y/n took a place aside from being the cliché girl in love with her best friend. But it wasn’t all her merit, she had a big helper. She had a handsome helper: Tom.

Y/n never felt what she felt with Tom.

Tom was everything she ever dreamed of: he was always attentive with her, but not overwhelming her, he understood her reserves and didn’t complain; they talked about everything and nothing, every conversation was perfect. Sometimes, they fought about their strong beliefs, but they also end up kissing and hugging. Y/n was happy with Tom.

She didn’t tell Tom about Matty. Y/n didn’t see why. She wasn’t thinking about that as well. Tom and her talked by text and she was okay with that. After all, he was her friend, and she promised not to disappear. She still had affection for him of course.

Anyway, Y/n was living in a dream. Work was going well, she was kind of sad because they had only one week left of filming, and then she would be back home. This time with Tom. They talked about it fully, feeling extremely happy that both of them were in the same page about continuing dating. Tom lived closer to the centre of London, and she was only 20 minutes away by car from there. They could make it work out.

Since they were in the last week of shooting, Y/n had a lot of work in hand. They had to leave everything perfectly done, and she had pressure about helping Lily accomplish all of what was expected from her.

“Please, could you leave those papers and hung out with me?” Lily begged, sitting in her trailer’s couch.

“You know I really want that, but I can’t.” Y/n continue going through the schedule.

“Agh!” Lily scoffed. “You’re not fun any more.”

Y/n rolled her eyes at her, “We see each other every day! Don’t overreact.”

“That’s exactly why…we have only a handful of days to be together and then- “

“And then, we’ll see each other as well.” Y/n turned around, looking at her.

“You’ll be so busy with your prince charming!”

“Omg, don’t call him that!”

“Being all happy and loving each other.” Lily continued with her rant, making weird sounds that tried to emulate kissing.

“You’re impossible.” Y/n returned to her papers.

“Talking about Romeo!” Lily exclaimed. Y/n didn’t understand until she heard a voice.

“Were you talking about me? I’m flattered.” Tom looked at Y/n, approaching her and the woman couldn’t help noticing her stomach sprung to life with excitement. 

“She was talking about you.” Lily pointed like a little girl.

“Oh, really?” Tom crocked an eyebrow while placing his arms around Y/n.

“Yes, about how she’s going to ignore me- like right now- and be all lovely jolly with you.” 

“I don’t want to brag but- I’m pretty cool so- “ Tom joked. Leaving a kiss at the back of Y/n’s head.

“Oh, you shut up!” Lily said standing up. “I’m going to leave you two to it…” and then she left without waiting for an answer.

“Lily!” Y/n exclaimed, shaking her head disappointed but laughing before turning to face Tom. “Hi”

“Hi.”  Tom looked down at her eyes. His height always amused her, Y/n felt secured with him being so tall, she didn’t know exactly with, but she did.

“Did you need something?” she inquired, placing her hands on his chest.

“Yes.”

“Oh, what?”

“You.”

“Cheesy, way too cheesy, Tom.” she laughed.

“It’s the truth.” he replied, kneeling down to meet her lips. 

…………………………………………………

Sad day, last day

The last day of shooting and the day before that one with the big wrap party, Y/n felt really emotional. This production gave her more than she could ever ask for: a lot of experience and work, of course, but also friendships and a lovely boy. She was more than grateful with it.

Y/n was leaving that day with Tom and Lily. He brought his stuff a couple of days before so when they had to leave, they went straight from the Airbnb that Lily and Y/n shared towards the airport. It was more practical and that let Tom and Y/n spend nights together.

Y/n woke pretty early sensing the warmth that Tom’s body spread. Her head was in his chest, and his arms were around her form. She let a sigh out in pure bliss. Tom moved a little, waking up as well.

“Morning.” he said in a raspy voice.

“Morning.” she smiled, propping herself up staring down at him. “How did you sleep?”

“Like a baby. After that intense activity- “

“Tom! Stop that!” she whined.

“Okay, okay. Now you’re shy but last night- “

“Omg, shh!” she shushed him, trying to leave his side.

“No, come back here.” he begged.

“Such a baby.” she teased.

“Thanks.” he answered laughing after she was only centimetres away from his face. “I need my morning kiss, y’know.”

“Oh, really? I don’t know.” she played dumb.

“Please? I’ll stop saying how hot last night was.” he chuckled.

“Exactly, no. You lost your opportunity.” she tried to stand up, but quickly Tom pulled her into the mattress.

“Why so shy so suddenly, darling?” Tom asked. The nickname made her think about Matty, making her instantly felt bad. Now she was fully aware they were coming home. “Hey.” he tried to get her attention when Y/n’s sight fell elsewhere, lost. “If it’s so bad to kiss me and think about us having- “

“Stop!” she placed her hands on his mouth, laughing at the same time. “I just- I don’t want to get back home.”

“Why?”

Her hands found his curls quickly, “I’m not going to see you every day.”

“And then I’m clingy?” he inquired, leaning down to caress her throat with his nose, taking her in.

“Oh, forget it!”

“No. I’m sad about that too, believe me. But, we don’t live that far from each other.”

“I know, but…”

“Stop with the but’s. I want my kiss.” he said, reaching her face to finally kissed her.

Tom’s kisses were like no other ones in her life. Y/n didn’t kiss many boys but she was sure none of them kissed like him. He made her feel inexplicable feelings. He was tender and kind, but hot and torrid at the same time. Tom treated her as if Y/n was made of porcelain, with so much love and caring. She was getting addicted to him.

Tom was like her favourite season. Tom felt like spring. 

………………………..

After the three of them left for the airport, Tom acknowledged quickly how clingy Y/n was being. In fact, he was making most of it because she was rarely like that around other people. Neither of them was. He kept her close. Hugging her or taking her hand. Subtle forms of ‘I’m here, we’re okay’. Y/n was glad he noticed. It amazed her how well he understood her when they had only known each other for nearly 10 months. He was going to miss him, no matter if he was close, and they already had plans to meet in London.

Y/n was trying to avoid overthinking her behaviour. She succeeded until they took the plane home, and Tom fell asleep. 

For a while, she admired his face and features. She didn’t want to appear creepy, so she turned her sight to the clouds. The sky was almost black. She could still picture the lights of the city, of Ireland. Then, the sea came into her view. Y/n always felt a big connection with the water no matter how much she loved the earth, the land. There was something so deep and meaningful about water that amazed her. Maybe, it was the fact that you can reflect yourself on water. At that moment she couldn’t picture her figure from so afar even though the colour and the depends on the Irish Sea made her look inside herself.

The inner talk was something she avoided a little since her relationship with Tom started. On the other hand, you can’t stop yourself from thinking. You have to, if you don’t talk with yourself how would you know what you want and what you have to do to get better?

Y/n felt that she failed to herself in that part. Yes, she wanted to be happy. She was happy. But she repeated something she acknowledges a way back. She avoided Matty. Well, she didn’t, they talked even though she avoided her feelings or not feelings for him. She avoided thinking about which position she was in about him. And that was a little bit wrong. Not because she was happy with Tom she could keep avoiding her problems, avoid Matty. 

Y/n wanted to solve her situation. She wanted to get back to her friendship with Matty as it was. Without knowing, she drifted more apart after she repeated that to herself.

She didn’t tell her best friend about the amazing relationship she was in now. Of course, Y/n had her reasons. Although, if she wanted to get back to be just friends…didn’t friend tell each other things like this? Matty told her about him and Nadia back then.

She wanted to tell him, but after two months or so Y/n wanted to do it in person. Matty was in New York at the moment, which made that quite difficult. Maybe when he returned. She knew he would get angry, that’s why she wanted to somehow explain it to him. She would have to lie a little bit longer…for the last time. 

Y/n had to admit to herself, she missed him. She missed the whole gang. She missed her English family. That was why she was also happy to be back. Not everything was awful.

Y/n came back to real life once the plane started the descended and Tom woke up. She tried to enjoy those last minutes. Yeah, she knew she was kind of overreacting, but she couldn’t avoid it. As well as oceans, she was restless…to many feelings. As well as oceans, she was going to settle. The calm was here. Or that was what she liked to think.

………………………………….

Two weeks after

Two more weeks went by during which Matty was still unhappy and troubled. That time not only due to Y/n and his feelings, this time because of the coronavirus. They had to return home. Sadly, the cases were rasing in so little time, that the government was closing down everything again.

For the album, Matty wasn’t preoccupied because with the rumours of this happening they managed to do most of the works left, and they wrapped a day before the announcement. And they could always continue from home. 

Staying in New York was an option, although they had been gone for a long while. George was missing his girlfriend, Adam his child, Ross his family and Matty the comfort of home. They preferred to return home. Back in England, the situation wasn’t bad but also not good. The government was considering closing everything again, they didn’t have news about it.

A part of Matty wasn’t sure if he wanted to get back. Part of him wanted, he missed his family, his shared house with the boys, and everything. Another part, didn’t want to get back though. Too many things to deal with. Being out of the country, wherever work took him, he was available to stay far from his normal problems, or he had that illusion. 

Anyway, coming home was exhausting. More during the corona time. Having to use the face mask and all the protocols. He wasn’t complaining, he supports taking care of the rest and his wealth. It just adds a lot on his shoulders and made him more tired.

Once he returned, Matty spent a lot of time inside his room playing games or writing, he even went on a walk with Denise for a short time. 

He knew Y/n was also back home, and she sometimes met up with George and the rest. Although, he wasn’t ready to see her. They still talk by message, they avoid the topic. Even when Y/n knew very well he was at home, she mentioned nothing. She didn’t want to push him, and at the same time, she was spending time in London for a good amount of time with Tom.

So, yeah, Matty wasn’t ready for what life, the universe or God had under her/his sleeve this time.

……………………………….

Sunny Sunday

A week prior to the dinner, Denise started begging and bugging him to get all together. She said, ‘let’s share a nice meal at this place closer to you guys now that we’re allowed before everything closes again, Matty!’ and no matter how much he tried she won. The boys were excited to see new faces after weeks of only seeing each other working to get the record ready to publish.

Matty and Hann arrived at the restaurant first but they waited at the car park for the rest to arrive. They did minutes after.

“Hi, boys!” Denise said, very happily.

“Hi, mom.” Matty was the first greeting her.

“Hello.”

“Why so happy?” George inquired.

“Can’t I be happy for seein’ you handsome boys?” she asked, innocently.

“Mom…” Matty knew better.

“Okay, okay. I have a surprise for you all!”

Ross got all excited like a little kid during Christmas, “What?” 

“Patience, dear. We have to wait a little longer before it arrives. Well, it’s not a thing, is a person.” Denise’s smile was wide. 

“I’m not following.” Adam interrupted.

Louis interfered,  “Me neither. But, you get used to it.” and the rest chuckled.

“Wait and see. She is arriving!”

“Oh, she?” George inquired.

“Yes, she. Not whatever you’re thinking- I don’t want to- “

“Mom, could you just tell us!” Matty was growing anxious.

“Oh, she is here!!” Denise cheered so loud.

The whole family looked at how a very familiar car parked beside theirs. Shortly after, Y/n came out smiling nervously at them.

“Hi, guys.” she greeted the group.

Matty’s heart stopped beating right there.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Taglist: @hollybrislen @sinarainbows @eaglestar31 @sugarkane1001 @brittluvs1975

Chapter 7 >

[avengerscompound]

Shared Experience - Chapter 5

Shared Experience - A Captain America Fanfic

Masterlist PREVIOUS //

Rating:  E

Warnings:  mentions of past torture, murder, and sexual assault

Pairing: Steve Rogers x OFC Rose Astor

Word Count: 1809

Summary:  Rose Astor met her end in 1920, joining the ranks of the living dead two years after the birth of Steve Rogers.  A century later the two meet in battle - a beacon of light clashing with a creature of the night.  Despite their differences, the two bond over their shared life experiences.  Can a vampire become an Avenger?  Can two such different beings create a life together?

Chapter 5

It had been decades since Rose had felt as helpless and weak as she had when she’d broken down in tears in the foyer of her house.  It was such an alien and awful feeling that once the tears had run out, anger replaced them.  She was so angry that she still had it in her to feel this way.  She had thought she had become immune to that.  She thought she’d lost that part of her.  That had been the weak human in her and she’d cast it aside when she no longer needed Marcellus to teach her.

After the anger faded it left an overwhelming loneliness.  She’d been alone for so long, and for so long she thought she’d been okay with that.  It was better to be alone than to be around people as they aged and then died around her and it was definitely better than being stuck with someone like Marcellus.  She had convinced herself that she didn’t need companionship.  That she was above those mortal needs.

And just like that her worldview had shattered.

Steve led her to the living room and pulled out a handkerchief.  It was large and pale blue with blue and red stripes around the edge.  It had been so long since she’d even seen one, that it made her start laughing, which made her cry harder.  She wiped her eyes, the blood from her tears stained the delicate piece of fabric right through and she looked up at Steve and saw the blood stains smeared over his shirt.

“Oh god,” she said, uselessly trying to wipe the blood from his shirt with the handkerchief.  “I'm so sorry.  I must look ghoulish.”

Steve shook his head.  “I've seen worse.”

Rose stood and wrung the handkerchief in her hand.  “Let me go clean up.  I’ll be back.  Just… Make yourself at home.”

She waited for his go-ahead and that pause for permission made the anger boil up again.  Steve gave a short nod and she rushed off, covering her face.

When she reached the bathroom she leaned against the vanity and squeezed her eyes closed as she centered herself.  Things had gone so wrong.  It was the risk involved with starving herself, but of all the expected outcomes, being held prisoner by the Avengers, being blackmailed to join, and ending up crying blood tears in the arms of Captain America had not even made the list.

She huffed and began to wash her face.  With no reflection, it was always impossible to know if she’d gotten everything, so her ritual had always been to scrub thoroughly for longer than seemed reasonable.  Today she scrubbed harder still.  She scrubbed until her skin felt raw and continued scrubbing for some time afterward.

When she finally stopped scrubbing, she went looking for something Steve might be able to change into.  It proved to be a useless endeavor.  She was significantly smaller than Steve, so even her largest items of clothing were far too small to fit him.  There were some outfits that Marcellus had abandoned, but he’d been much thinner than Steve, and even if they did fit, the fabric was so old that when she picked it up, it began to fall apart.

She went back to Steve empty-handed.  He was standing in the drawing room, looking at her collection of vinyls that filled the shelves built into the whole back wall.  He looked over at her, holding one of the singles.  “Are you okay?” he asked.

She nodded.  “That was new for me.”

“Your tears…”

She shrugged.  “I can’t explain it.  My heart doesn’t pump, and yet everything is blood.  I’m sorry about your shirt.  I tried to find you something to change into.”

He looked down at himself and then back up at her.  “Don’t worry about it.  I’ve had to catch the train home with more blood on me than this before.  None of it’s mine this time, which is nice.”

She couldn’t help but laugh at that.  “What have you got there?” she asked, nodding to the single in his hands.

Steve looked down at it like he was startled that he was holding it.  “Oh.  I was just looking at what you had.  It goes back a long way,” he said.

She came over to him and took the single from his hands.  It was the 1939 version of Sunrise Serenade and Moonlight Serenade by the Glenn Miller Orchestra.  “I was eighteen and spending all my time in speakeasies when I died.  I’ve been in this house ever since.  My collection has only been added to over time,” she explained as she went to her record player.  It was styled to fit into the Art Nouveau style of the house but was actually only a few years old.  Despite her love of vinyls, she kept up to date with music technology and her sound system was the best that money could buy.  She put the record on, choosing the B side of Moonlight Serenade, and the clarinet and saxophone floated through the room.  If it weren’t for the slight scratch of the needle moving over the vinyl, it almost sounded as if the band were right there with them.

Steve closed his eyes and listened for a moment, swaying ever so slightly to the sound.  It made Rose want to go to him and take his hands.  It had been so long since she danced with someone, and watching Steve, she felt like the same might be true for him too.

Instead, she stayed where she was and hugged her arms around herself.  “So what do we do now?”

Steve opened his eyes and looked at her.  “Bruce is right,” he said.  “We can’t just keep you captive and force you to fight.  But - I do think you should join us.  You’ve been alone for too long, Rose.  I know you think you can do this all alone, but you don’t have to.”

“I don’t see how I could be much help to you,” Rose said.  “Fighting in the War was different.  They took us where we needed to be.  We’d wake, and it was like firing a bullet from a gun.  How will you plan your battles around the fact I only wake at night?”

“That’s a secondary issue,” he said.  “We can figure out how best you can help us.  Maybe it won’t even be in a fighting role.”

She tapped her fingers on her arms and worried at her bottom lip with her teeth.  She knew if she did that for too long, she was likely to prick it with her fangs, but she couldn’t seem to stop as she considered the offer.   “Like a spy?”

“Possibly,” he said.  “From the sound of it, you’re good at keeping secrets.”

A small bubble of laughter escaped her, taking her by surprise.  “That’s true,” she said.  “I am.  I still feel like this isn’t about you wanting me to join as much as it is about you wanting to keep an eye on me and make sure I’m not going around murdering people.”

Steve sighed and pushed his hands into his pockets as he looked down at his feet.  The record reached the end of the track and there was a whir and a click as the needle moved off and the machine flipped the record over.  The blast of wind and brass instruments startled both of them as the start of Sunrise Serenade started and Steve’s eyes met hers again.

“Can you blame me?” he asked.  “I saw you kill a man.  You drained him right in front of me.  Everything I know about vampires is that they hunt and feed off people.  And it’s not like I know you.  I swore I’d protect people and I can’t help feeling that letting you go is breaking that oath.”

She went to interrupt him on this circular conversation that it felt like they’d been having for days now but he held up his hand to stop her.  “But you did kill that man in battle and you saved a lot of lives.  And I have no reason other than mythology to believe that you’re about to go on a murder spree.  You’ve been honest with me.  So I want to trust you.  I do think you’ll be an asset to the team, and I do want to keep an eye on you.  I also think you need people.  I think we might have things in common and we might be friends.  Those aren’t conflicting ideas.”

Her fang punctured her lip and she winced and wiped her mouth.  “If I agree to this, it puts me in danger.  You’re right.  I am good at keeping secrets.  I have to be.  There’s a reason the general population doesn't know about us.  We’re completely helpless in the daytime and we’re their predators.  How many predators have been hunted to the edge of extinction by mankind?”

Steve’s eyebrows knitted together.  The reminder that the people he had promised to protect were her food had obviously been a mistake, but she needed him to understand that it wasn’t just a case of her being a risk to humanity, humanity was a risk to her too.

The upbeat melody of the song carried on for a few bars before Steve seemed to finish wrestling with his thoughts.  “We can keep people from finding out,” he said.

“I don’t just mean not announcing you have a vampire on your team.  There are people that hunt my kind and will know what I am when they see me,” she explained.  “I don’t show up on film, so you can’t do a press conference and introduce me.  And I can’t be in places where footage of me fighting will end up being public.”

“Who would hunt you if you’re an Avenger?” Steve asked.

“There’s a secret order of monster hunters who hunt us as a sport.  The followers of the Egyptian god Konshu consider us a threat to those who travel at night.  There is one of us, a day walker, who has vowed to rid the world of us.  If they know where to find me, they’ll come for me.”

Steve approached her.  “We’ll keep you under the radar,” he promised.  “And we’ll protect you.  You’ll be part of the team.  We won’t let anyone hurt you.”

 She looked up into the blue of his eyes.  Behind her the record reached the end of the song and the needle lifted and moved back to its off position and the record slowly stopped spinning.  She dragged her teeth over her bottom lip again and sighed.  “Fine.  I’ll do it.  I’ll join.  God, you are impossible.”

He smiled, his eyes twinkling.  “It’s one of my better qualities,” he joked and held out his hand.  “Welcome aboard.”

// NEXT

[jay-m3]

ABC... 1, 2, 3!

Scenario: Them as your son (age set from baby to 3yrs old)

Male reader insert! Warning* Child abuse, domestic violence, child neglect, reader will be paired up with woman partner

Characters: Alastor, Lucifer, Vox, Valentino, and Adam

Alastor

When Alastor was born, he didn't cry that much. Which concerned you but your wife assured it was nothing and proceeded life with a quiet baby.

That is until he breaks into a smile. You can't help but gush as he smiles at anything he finds stupid, it's adorable especially with his little tail wiggling around without control, ears perked up before flickering around making him reach up to pull at them.

You had to buy those little mittens to prevent any more damage of making himself cry.

As Alastor aged to 1, you and your wife notice how attached he is to your partner. Which makes you pout but there's nothing you can do other than try to bond with him more.

Unfortunately, he just ignores you, opting to make his first steps towards his mother. At night time he'll be right up next to her face, hands curling around her long hair as he slept. And what was worse is how everytime she leaves the room, Alastor will throw a tantrum if he wasn’t allowed to follow.

At the age of 2, his attachment was still there but has calmed down once you figured out a way to calm him down.

Every night, you'll pick him up onto your lap, turn on the radio for a little background noise until he falls asleep.

A win-win situation as he relies more on you now and getting him to sleep in his own room.

By the age of 3, Your relationship with him has increased.

He watches with wide eyes, as he sees you kissing your wife in the mirror who giggles, getting distracted from carefully brushing around his small antlers. He tags along with you for outside activities, hand in your own as he waits patiently for an elderly woman making her way through the door of a store that you held open for. Even copies your behavior of picking up stuff like shoes when his mother is sweeping.

"Oh my goodness, aren't you such a gentleman." Your wife gushes, picking the little demon up in her arms.

"That's my boy." You praised, smiling over your wife's shoulder to smile at the boy.

Alastor just smiles brightly at the two of you.

Lucifer

When Lucifer was born, you weren't there to see him bundled up in a freshly washed fuzzy blue blanket.

You had your hands full with his siblings, a 2 year old sister and a 5 year old half-brother.

Your ex wife had canceled plans of taking Michael over the weekend and having two high energy strung kids around a newly born doesn’t sound smart, so you wait.

At the age of 1, Everything was great. Lucifer's smile got rid of any problems that stressed you over.

You would raise him up into the air, making him squeal and laugh as you spin him around like he's an airplane. He'll crawl towards you, wings flapping around to help him get to you faster.

Not a care in the world, not a care of your wife or siblings.

By age 2, his first words of your dad title brings tears into your eyes. Picking him up and kissing his cute little nose before lightly tapping your horns with his.

Ignoring the tight ball of sadness of your wife taking Gabriella to her mother's house to spend the night there while Michael had called his own mother to pick him up.

At age 3, Lucifer would remember this event throughout his life.

The screaming of his parents rang out throughout the house. He doesn't really know what is being said but the terrified feeling of seeing you angry made him cry. Not even his big sisters' hugs can calm him down because she too is crying.

Then he sees his mother slap you before making her way towards them. He cries harder, running past her and into your arms.

But she didn't care, smiling softly at her own daughter before leaving with her.

"It's going to be okay Luci." You whisper out, rubbing his back in reassurance. Letting him cry until he falls asleep.

Vox

When Vox was born, you were there only for the first hour before leaving, getting a call from work.

This collaboration with another company is one in a million, you can't slack off this opportunity.

You'll get to see Vox at home.

Plus, the private nurses will help your wife with anything she needs.

At age 1, You threw a big birthday party for Vox.

Everyone you and your wife invited were important people. And some family, well only those that won't bring shame on you all.

Vox was being supervised by a nanny, making sure he didn't stumble. You don't want his small screen to take damage. It would be a horrible sight for those around to see.

Anyway, Vox was pretty happy when you gifted him a pup shark. Everyone was impressed by the gift.

2 years old, Vox felt so restricted. Everytime you all went to family vacations, the nanny was there breathing down his neck. Always correcting his posture or keeping him away from anything that would get him dirty.

Only leaving when his parents decide to have a family dinner where lots of paparazzi waited outside to take pictures of the perfect new family.

At 3, There was a rare day of having no meetings or projects to peak at.

You had a day off so you decided to stay home. Light music playing in the background while you serve yourself some wine.

The door slamming open startles you a little bit, Vox running in with tears running down his face, glitching out horribly from it. You watch as the nanny scurries in, apologizing immediately while trying to pull Vox out the door.

After a minute or two of the display, you signal the nanny out, leaving little Vox to stare up at you with uncertainty wet eyes.

"Are you done crying?"

Vox stays quiet before looking down at his hands that are anxiously fidgeting with each other.

"You got what you wanted. Entertain me." You sit down on the leather couch, watching him.

Valentino

The birth of Valentino was something that tied you down with your ex.

Family pestering you to take care of your newly born son. All the bickering and nosey cousins, aunts and uncles wore you down, bringing you to get married with your ex.

You can barely look at Val, just eyeing him from the corner of your eyes when your mother dots on him.

At 1, you secretly got a DNA test, wanting to see if this kid is really yours.

For all you know, the bitch you call wife was whoring around and trapping him into this relationship.

The test came back positive, Valentino is actually your kid. The information of it brought a little bit of...pride.

You were continuing your bloodline.

At age 2, Valentino first witnessed you holding the woman he calls mamá down the bed.

The sight of you punching the other to quieten her screams made him burst in tears, running towards her for a hug.

To get comforted.

Once he got on the bed, he was pushed off with so much force that he hit the dresser beside the bed. His screams rings out, never stoping as he was forcefully grabbed by the wrist, being dragged to the couch.

"Don't fucking move!" You hissed out before returning to your room.

Turning 3, Valentino has shied away from you.

No matter the place, he would never go up to you to ask for something. He also would be away from his mother, not wanting to be around her to witness anymore of those acts.

Also because you would make him stay on the couch, not letting him move until you would come back from the bedroom, sit down in your armchair, and turning on the tv with a cigarette lit up.

Adam

When Adam was born, you weren't there.

Actually, it was more like you couldn't make it. But even if you could, you'll probably still wouldn't attend.

The reason why you weren't able to attend the birthing of your first and only son was that you were locked up.

The news about Adam reached you seven days later.

When Adam turned 1, you finally got a picture of him.

Kind of blurry from quickness of the snap but what can you do if the mother of said child didn't want you in her life. Thankfully, a cousin of yours was keeping tabs on your son.

The small picture of his brown messy hair with his wings curled up on his back was hidden beneath your mattress.

You didn't want no one to touch it.

At age 2, Adam was already calling someone else dad.

His innocent little mind never bothered with how different the man he called father looked nothing like him.

Nor was he aware about the mail that was sent to his mother from his biological father.

Oblivious to the verbal threats on taking him when the person was out of prison.

At 3, Adam ran into some people that he has never seen before.

He was really suprised and shocked when an older woman picked him up.

"Oh my grandbaby. My baby! You look so much like your father!"

He was ripped away from the woman by his dad, while his mom started screaming profanities at the small group.

Almost getting into a physical fight with a younger looking woman until his dad dragged her away.

From that day on, Adam didn't go to that small market again.

[tubbietommo]

You know, a lot have been said already these past few hours and I'm trying to organize my own thoughts as the realization is slowly starting to hit.

I became a fan of One Direction back in 2011. I was 12 and suddenly these 5 boys became my whole world. I've made some amazing friends through them and these boys truly helped me get through my teenage years where I felt 90% of the time very lost and even struggled with depression. You just go through life putting on a smile and try and survive another day.

So selfishly I will forever be grateful that these boys were there for me as a distraction. But as I grow older I look back at those 1D years and I now also feel very sorry that those 16, 17, 18 year old kids went through so much in such a small period.

I can actually still remember a conversation I had with my mom back in the 1D years where she said that they are very lucky to not have to go through this massive amount of fame alone, especially at such a young age and considering the amount of pressure that comes with it. At least they could lean on each other.

The more time went by as 1D went on a "hiatus", the more you could see a lost soul in Liam. Obviously, I didn't know Liam other than the pictures, interviews and the imagination I've put in my head ever since I was 12, and people also change over the years for good and for worse. But still anyone could see Liam looked so lost over the past couple of years and it was heartbreaking to watch as an outsider, but also as a young fan. I don't know if he had good people around him these past couple of years, I truly hope he did.

There's probably so much more I could say. I'm not even sure what kind of post this one is. I always had and always will have a place in my heart for these five boys. In a way, they feel like older brothers you barely see because they left home, and all you want for them is to do well in this life. And you want them to know you are rooting for them. I don't know if that's a weird way to put it, but it kinda does feel like this sometimes.

These might be empty words, considering what time we live in. But we are all just human beings and we're all trying. I wished we all just be a little kinder to one another & especially be kind to ourselves. Be kind to yourself, go easy on yourself, give yourself as much time as you need. We're all living on this small planet. I hope you will remember that. I hope I will remember that.

And I hope Liam can now also find some peace wherever he may be right now.