#tho i definitely think Dami probably would be fine with sriracha

[chaos-deimos-et-eris]

i propose while damian can absolutely handle the spice in Sriracha, he can't handle the sugar in the the levels that Dick is loading on top of his food. Also your body definitely starts rejecting all sorts of food if you stop eating them long enough because the gut bacteria that are responsible for helping you break food down just straight up starve

This was so fun to think about, seriously you’re awesome and I love you anon ♥️

Damian:

• *looks in the mirror five seconds after the spell hit. gasps* “I’m HIDEOUS!!!”

• Wayne Enterprises employee, smiling brightly: “Good morning Mr. Drake-Wayne. How are you today?”

Damian: “I don’t know but you’re fired.”

• He gets so fed up with having to push Tim’s bangs from his eyes that he resorts to borrowing Cass’ sparkly butterfly hair clips to keep them up and out of his face.

• “Why am I only an inch taller than I used to be? I still can’t reach Pennyworth’s cookie jar even on my tiptoes. You need to grow more, Drake.”

• He finds out why Tim wears long sleeves so often, but he doesn’t say anything to Tim about it. He does file it away for future conversation, though, and he monitors Tim more closely even after the whole incident is over.

• “Damian, why are you chugging an entire carton of milk?”

“Because Drake is too small for me to tolerate any longer. I’m a beanpole. A toothpick. A runt amidst a litter of bats.”

• *goes outside for an hour* “HOW THE HELL AM I SO SUNBURNED??? WHAT ARE YOU, A VAMPIRE???”

• He’s sad when his pets don’t recognize him and run when he tries to pet them. As a solution, he douses his entire body in catnip. Turns out Tim never told him he was allergic to catnip, so that was an interesting discovery.

• He has to drink at least four cups of coffee a day or else he gets sick because at this point Tim is addicted to coffee.

Same goes for normal food. Eating ramen noodles with goldfish and butterscotch pudding is fine, but he ate one (1) apple and his body tried to reject it.

• Ives: “Hey Timbo, what’s up?”

Damian: “Uh….Hello, associate of mine. Feeling very fleek today. Everything is cool beans. Crackalackin.”

Tim:

• “Why are my pecs so huge.” *cups them* “They feel like rock hard muscle melons. Like a cantaloupe filled with pure power. What strong breasticles.”

• He’s amazed by the amount of muscle on Jason’s body and spends most of his time trying to see what stuff he can crush with his bare hands.

*breaks a stick in half* “I AM ALMIGHTY.”

• He braids Jason’s white streak and puns it back with some pink hair clips Steph gave him.

*poses in the mirror* “I’m a buff zombie princess.”

• *on the phone with Roy* “Hey Roy, so remember that secret I told you once and demanded you never to tell anyone else? Yeah, that one. Would you mind explaining it to me in explicit detail, slowly so I can write it all down.”

• *gentle gasp* “I’m allowed to drink alcoholic beverages in this body.”

*later that night after his fifth shot of appletini* “DO YOU EVER JUST THINK ABOUT THE MUPPETS AND CRY??? KERMIT THE FROG MAN, KERMIT THE FROG.”

• He has to wear sunglasses and a hat whenever he goes out because he has to make sure no one in Gotham recognizes the late Jason Todd.

• The first time he sees what Jason’s body really looks like under all the armor and layers, he’s shocked. Jason doesn’t take his shirt off in front of people much because he’s embarrassed by all the scars. Tim tries not to look at them because he knows Jason doesn’t like sharing this detail with anyone, but occasionally he finds himself absently tracing the autopsy scar under his shirt. He has a new respect for Jason after this whole ordeal.

Jason:

• “I feel like an overcooked noodle.”

• Adjusting to how flexible Dick is turns out to be quite the experience. He does the splits with no problem. He swings from a tree branch and lands on the ground as fluid as a leaf. He does four backflips in a row.

Jason, cartwheeling through the room: “Watch as he flips with the greatest of ease, the rad noodle man on the flying trapeze.”

Dick, in his tiny Damian voice: “That’s not even how the song goes!”

• “Why does my mouth taste like ketchup and ice cream 24/7. What do you eat, Dick.”

• At first he thinks it’ll be nice for once, being able to walk around Gotham without worrying about people recognizing him as being a dead man. Turns out, it’s almost worse when he can’t go to a McDonald’s without a bunch of paparazzi and fan girls following him around and begging to take a picture with the hottest Wayne boy.

• He goes to the police precinct for work and is on edge the whole time because this is the first time in years he’s been surrounded by cops who don’t want to arrest him.

• Catcaller: “Hey, nice ass!”

Jason: “Thanks, I got it from my brother!”

• Dick from the next room: “If you smoke in my body and give me cancer I’ll kill you!”

Jason, with a lit cigarette in his mouth: “It’s a metaphor, you see. I died once and I’ll die again because I’m not a fucking coward.”

• After he’s back in his own body: “Hey, I wonder if I can still do all that flipsy shit.”

Later: “So, Master Jason, tell me again how you shattered your collarbone?”

Dick:

• He eats one (1) cheeseburger, but unfortunately forgot about Damian being vegetarian so he winds up getting violently sick because the body he’s in doesn’t accept meat anymore. So that was a learning experience.

• “Why does it physically hurt to smile. Who hurt you, Damian.”

“A bunch of assassins and a psychopath for a grandfather.”

• Damian may be athletic, but he’s nowhere near as stretchy as Dick is used to. He tries putting his leg behind his head and nearly breaks his pelvis.

One upside is he’s far smaller and lighter in Damian’s body, which makes swinging around on the trapeze a breeze. He’s like an Acrobat Barbie doll.

• He has to call Tim for help when he can’t reach his cereal on the top shelf.

Tim, walking into the kitchen half asleep and confused: “Are you one of Santa’s elves?”

Dick, sobbing on the floor: “I CAN’T REACH MY FRUITY PEBBLES”

• He starts crying again later that afternoon because “THIS WEAK ASS BODY CAN’T EAT SRIRACHA WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW???”

• He stands in the middle of the room and watches all the adults bustle around: “I am a bean. A tiny chihuahua. A mere flea in a world of elephants and woosles.”

• “If there is one upside to all of this body-swapping, at least I can finally use the Dora the Explorer baby toothpaste without being ridiculed.”

• Jon: “Hi, Dami! What’s up?”

Dick: *to himself* “Hmmm what would Damian say…Oh, I know!”

To Jon: “Salutations, comrade. Photosynthesis. Lackadaisical. The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.”