#tho a bit hot to enjoy the day eating outside anyways by myself

[miss-floral-thief]

Finally have some potatoes

[keyheartsia-dorm]

The Dorm Leaders with a S/O who Burned themselves making Microwave Food

(This is definitely not something that just happened to me like 10 minutes ago but you should definitely like and subscribe and don’t forget to hit the Bell icon Cause seriously some parts of my hand Hurt like a B...Not that I burned myself or anything)

Riddle Rosehearts

• So Your feeling a Gosh dang HUNGER

• You’re too hungry to wait For Trey to bake anything So

• So Kennel Corn it is!

• In your HUNGER daze you threw the popcorn in carelessly and forget to Press the Popcorn Button and just pressed the 4 Button instead of the 3 Button like you meant to even though 3 PROBABLY would’ve Ruined Your Popcorn anyway

• You text Riddle to see if he’d wanna Share some Popcorn He said he would bring some Tarts he had just put in the oven So you waited...Thinking about Food...not noticing the disaster you were Setting into place

• Anyway you Open the Microwave Full of Hope like a Doe being born on a beautiful spring day then as soon as the black Popcorn started shooting out of your Microwave in Ramshackle you then had the same disappointment as a spring Doe who was just forced to watch Fox and the Hound Like Holy Heck that Movie gives me the Hecko Deppreso

• One Burning Kernel Hit your Cheek Just as you Wince Riddle Comes into your Kitchen With Wide eyes

• He Drags you out Picnic Basket with Tarts in Hand and Takes you to the Nurse’s Office and Asks for...whatever Burned people Need As He Patches you up you 2 Share a ~Moment~

“Riddle Honestly it’s not THAT big of a deal” You Chuckle Anxiously “Don’t be Ridiculous Y/N!” he keeps Patching you up “It Must Seriously Hurt..” He looks a little Sad and while looking sadly into your eyes he kisses your cheek where the Burn was you wince as He Quickly Spits an Apology you Chuckle “You can Kiss it better if you want~” he Looks away bright Red as you 2 Sit in the Nurse’s Office Sharing Tarts

Leona King Scholar

• “I can’t Hecking Cook!!!” you found yourself Exclaiming in the Savannaclaw Kitchen Ruffling your hair

• You see Poor F-Ing Ruggie Needs a Break that’s not a secret to anyone (# Please Stop Hyena Abuse # Please Edit A Garfield Comic Where Leona is Garfield and Ruggie is John) so you said you’d make Leona his Lunch

• why the Heck you said you’d do this you Adorable stupid Hecking Idiot you but hey you did dumb dumb

• So here you are looking in the Freezer and BINGO Big ole Meat Chunk!

• So you being A fanfic protagonist Put a giant mystery meat chunk in the microwave pressed some Buttons and said..”Eh Good enough” Guess your sex god heart throb Boyfriend Is rubbing off on you ok I see how it is Y/N OK I SEE HOW IT IS

• Anyway besides my needless aggression with my words You started to look for some utensils you found A Bento Box and a Spoon thank goodness but you figured you might Need some mittens Lunch was soon and The meat was long done but no mittens

• You take it out..and HOLY MOTHER GOD WHY DID YOU THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA YOUR PALMS MIGHT AS WELL BE ON FIRE

• Leona Nonchalantly Enters The scene cause Ruggie Told him you’d be making his Lunch and Lunch started like 15 Minutes ago

• He looks at the Scene before him and sighs and takes your hands like the sex god heartthrob he is and looks at your red palms almost Deadpanning

Your face a light red “Yeah...I know I massively Screwed up with your Lunch But I really wanted t-“ “I know And I appreciate it even though you are a massive screw up..But you keep trying I appreciate that about you” He starts to lick your Palms and your face Erupts into a Blush “What the Heck!?!” he looks up at you “It’s to cool your hands down but you ARE gonna go get me Food from the vending machine afterwards”

Azul Ashengrotto

• you slam your Hands Dramaticly on your Kitchen Table “I CANNOT ACCEPT ANYMORE FREEBIES FROM THE MONSTRO LOUNGE” You were sure Azul Would start making you pay if not Azul Jade for sure

• So time to start making Food for yourself!! You Quickly Head to a Convience store where a Certain Chaotic Neutral Eel Notices you Buying like 10 Frozen...PIECES OF FOOD

• You Dump like all off them on your Counter and Choose to make some Weird fish

• You Slap that Sorry Sucker in the Microwave and like the other Sorry Suckers in this Scenario you will Burn yourself and beautiful Bishounen Shenanigans will ensue but we’re not there yet

• You literally just bought a piece of not even normal looking fish Of course it didn’t come with a Time Recommendation So you while staring at it for like 10 minutes (Letting it thaw quite a bit but you didn’t notice) You threw it in for 7 And figured “eh 7’s a lucky number this’ll work” Didn’t you read Leona’s Scenario? What happened when THEY said Eh

• You Dumby You Dating a Merman Boughta Eat a fish Dumbo what do you have? Ears?

• Anyway Floyd and And Azul are Chatting well it’s more like Floyd is talking At Azul while he does paper work Yeah I totally Saw them Buying a bunch a Random Frozen Weird Massively Weird Right? Anyway So Apparently They Let you Mix ALL THE slushie is Flavors”

• Azul hearing this After finishing up some more Paperwork Decides to go Visit You and to his Shock he finds you Trying to hold a Basically at this point Charcoal Fish and when you drop It on your leg Leaving a SEXY weird fish shaped burn he’s Immediately on that

He puts a Hand to his Temple and sighs For a Moment before sweeping you off your feet before you could say a word..the you did say a word a few in fact “I’m Sorry Azul I know you can’t give me freebies forever but I’m a terrible cook” He Kisses your forehead and gives you a reassuring look “You’re my Beloved you can rely on me as much as you want I’ll get you some bandages when we’re back at the monstro lounge and Jade will make you something not made of Charcoal” and you bet he carried you all the way

Kalim Al Asim

• you both wanted to cook Something for Jamil...Okay this’ll go south fast.

• the road to Heck Is often Paved with Good intentions

• You Were tasked with picking out food and Kalim for Kitchen Prep

• Anyway Let’s get this poor Wreck Jamil’s gonna have to fix over with

• “I Picked out some Tofu! Smart people like tofu right?

• Kalim Tossed that And all sortsa Stuff Into the Microwave and Waved off all your concerns figuring it’ll be fine! come on Y/N you coward Your a fanfic Protag you don’t have to think Silly goose no thoughts head empty

• like 15 minutes later you 2 Hear Smoke while trying to make Pulpless Handsqueezed Orange Juice cause HECK PULP

• He Opened The Microwave and the only thing that Looked even Remotely salvageable was the tofu and because you 2 are the cutest most head empty Couple Apparently you didn’t Put a plate underneath so you braving all the danger reached into the Microwave...

“Ouch!” You teared up a little And were about to Put your finger in your mouth as you do Before Kalim put your finger in his Mouth You looked at him shell shocked after a couple seconds he started pressing light kisses on them “I’m so sorry! I should’ve thought this through more! I’ll nurse you back to health!” And For the rest of the day he essentially treated you like you were crippled he carried you he fed you everything don’t worry you slipped away for a little to clean up the mess in the kitchen before Jamil got back Kalim Babysitting is always an Experience to be Had for sure

Vil Schoenheit

• “Vil! I wanna Eat Carbs Heck you!!”

• if that’s not how Every story I do With Vil Starts I’ll be Gosh Danged

• “FINE EAT YOUR MAC AND CHEESE YOU’LL RUE THE DAY-“

• anyway after you stopped listening to him you looked him DEAD in the eyes and Shoved that frozen Mac and Cheese in the Microwave and slammed...Some Numbers In wow what a power move

• He Gasped and Power walked away

• You Laughing Manically Triumphantly

• But after awhile you felt kinda bad and decided to make some Carb free food for Vil as an Apology for Deliberatly and spitefully trying to make him Mad

• But that was the final nail in your microwaved coffin When you took out your Luckily not entirely burned Mac and Cheesies it was real hot like

• You were trying To get it to a plate Quickly And Spilled some on your Wrist Luckily Your Sexy mean Boyfriend was Here To save the day and wow he’s holding something”

“Sweet Potato?” He peeked through the Door and saw you Holding your Wrists in Pain he immediately walked in And Held them tenderly “I’m Sorry Sweet Potato things got heated I did get you a..Low Carb Meal at Olive Garden I Hope this Makes things up to you I know I can’t Control your life it’s just kinda my nature” You Smiled at him through the pain “It’s Fine Vil I got WAY too Mad I’m sorry I made you a salad” you both Enjoyed your food him feeding you yours then later he put some lotion on your Wrists

YES ITS BEST BOY-

Idia Shroud

• Omg it’s the best boy 🥺

• I mean I am not Partial to any character Do not worry I do not want to be in a Poly relationship with both Malleus and Idia

• So you wanted To Hang Out with your Boyfriend today he said sure but that he would be Busy doing raids with his Online friends you agreed and even said you’d bring snacks which you did

• Including Instant Ramen! My-I mean YOUR favorite

• you decided to show how reliable in the Kitchen you are to your boyfriend by making such a Delicacy for him while he doesn’t have the time to himself at the moment

• This is will work out Well

• You decide to do it in your kitchen and bring to him

• this will work out well

• You..ACTUALLY MAKE IT PERFECTLY

• You also Make it mostly towards his room before divine intervention Intervines and says That’s not the point of this fanfic idiot

• It probably mostly worked out for you cause you have the best taste tho so-

• Ortho Hears a Mighty Loud Catwerwhail (here’s hoping I spelled that right) and Comes to check whose outside the door

• “Big Sister/Brother?” He Quickly Runs some Water on your Shoulder and Bandages you Up And Leads you in Idia’s Room With the snacks in tow meanwhile he’s wondering if your Ok or not

“Idia Senpai!” You Sit next to him And he notices your Bandages “What Happened?” You look away a little Blushing a bit “I Spilled hot Instant Ramen on my shoulder Ortho parched me up though but! I brought the rest of the snacks though sor-“ Before you can apologize he Puts his Jacket on your shoulders “No I’m sorry for not noticing I would’ve...Tried to help” His sad expression turns into one of his Competitve smirks “I’ll Finish this Raid Boss so Quicker then you even Burned Yourself!” And He did cause he’s the best Gamer boy then you played Monoply With Him and Ortho cause he’s the best boy you have the best taste RAMEN TASTES SO GOOD-

Malleus Draconia

• My Second Love I mean nothing Let’s finish this I’ve been here since like 4 it’s 7 rn

• You invited Malleus to dinner And you wanted a Good Blanced Dinner!

• Chicken From Panda Express

• McDonald’s Chocolate Milk

• Some Patties from Burger King

• Oh Yeah Veggies!

• Wait! Everything’s Closed now!!! Y/N I KEPT TELLING YOU TO STOP BEING DUM-

• Oh you have some frozen Vegetables? Okay Touché

• You Toss them in the Microwave for 6 Minutes and get ready

• You dress as Nicely as Possible in 10 Minutes cause you plan Things Horribly apparently...not that I relete having been here for like at least 2 hours

• He’s Here~ him being Also the best boy is already setting the table with Magic cause he’s just nice like that and even Enchanted the food to be set on the table and the milk in the Glasses

• But you INSISTED to present The Vegetables

• “Child of Man I really don’t min-“ “No! I got this really!!”

• Let’s see how well that turned out for you

You got the Vegetables Outta the Microwave in such a Haste you didn’t even notice how hot it was and dumped it on the plate it wasn’t horribly burnt but was Horribly Hot Malleus was Amazed though “So Man’s Growing Vegetables in Bags now?..” he Reached to touch but you smacked his hand away so fast your hand touched the food and burned you “Ouch! I’m sorry Mal But it’s really hot” He immediately Understood and Summoned some Magical Water as he do and your burn was gone “I love you Child of man even though us Fae Can’t burn you tried to shield me anyway my sweet gentle Child of man”...Did you know that I ain’t know that?

I have a Masterlist it has all my X reader fics And my Oc Stuff I will be Adding this in like a day or 2 probably now if you’ll excuse me I never Wanna Look at another word again except also I’m literally probably gonna go read fanfic

[draganasimpsforjeff]

Hello! May I please have a creepypasta romantic match-up with some nsfw if your comfortable with it? Tysm in advance and I'm in love with your writing, like how is it so good?! Anyways I hope you have a great day/night and tysm once again!

Zodiac sign: Leo sun, Aries moon, Leo rising

Personality Type: ENTP

Pronouns: She/her

Sexuality: Straight (For now might be bi but i'm going with straight)

I'm 5'4 and I have a very tiny body frame so i'm extremely petite and pretty small. I'm not very curvy and I literally have the body of a cereal box...lol but its fine because I have nice hips and thighs. I have thick brown hair that goes down to my back and it gets tangled pretty easily but its kinda fluffy. I have brown eyes and tiny freckles all over my face and body. I also have a very strong grunge style, like Flannels, band t-shirts, combat boots, leather jackets etc. But i'd also always enjoy a nice oversized sweatshirt or hoodie with a pair of skinny, ripped jeans and some converses or something along those lines.

For my personality.....this is where things get interesting. At first people find me very intimidating due to my resting bitch face and cold exterior but I promise i'm not like that ALL the time. When you get to know me, i'm goofy and about everything that comes out of my mouth is sarcasm or some dry humored joke. I'm also that one friend in a group where they literally will do the stupidest shit ever like for an example one time it was super dark outside and my other friend was there, while I was trying to climb a tree and I failed and fell out of the tree, and landed on my back. I got straight up after that somehow it didn't hurt.....like at all? But yeah i'm super reckless and sometimes people have to save me from myself if you get what I mean. I also have a very strong "I don't give a fuck" attitude and I will not hesitate to stick up for myself or my friends....like i'm the type of person where if someone glares at me, i'll glare right back.

I have bad anxiety and I can be very self destructive. This is where my feisty, stubborn, hardheaded side comes in. If I want something then i'll fight for it even if it hurts me and i'll get into a bad cycle of putting myself down and trying to do better even if I did great the first time but I always push myself too far and other people have to stop me because I usually can't see it when its happening. I also cover my emotions up and I have a lot of trouble talking about whats bothering me or what problems i'm having emotionally so I put up a wall and I act tough, or happy and sometimes i'll be the exact opposite but I try to hide it.

Weird things about me: I've grown up in the south all my life so sometimes when I talk a few words they'll come out sounding WAYYY more country and southern then I wanted, I don't have an accent but sometimes my words just come out that way. I also love the smell of cigarette smoke....let me explain. When I was a kid my parents smoked a lot and I was used to smelling it and now it reminds me of home and is sort of comforting. Sometimes in the middle of the night you can find me just staring at a wall or something because I can't go to sleep.....I have trouble sleeping.....

Things I like: I love swimming (I was on a swim team for about 9 years), I love horror movies, I like rain and the sounds of thunderstorms because its calming to me, I also love the smell of rain, I like cloudy days, cooking, listening to 80's and 90's rock but mainly 90's because 90's is the best, My favorite bands are Bush, Audioslave, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Linkoln Park, Pearl jam but i'm pretty open to anything.

Things I dislike: Spiders.......I will scream if I see a spider.

So for the nsfw part (Feel free to ignore this if you don't want to write for it!)....I'm very shy and i'd like it if someone guided me. But i'm 100% a Bottom and I love praise and maybe a tiny bit of degradation. I also have a big ownership kink like if someone tells me that i'm their's....then I might die. I'm also a sucker for marking like lovebites and hickies? Yes please. But please tease me and edge me because I prefer not having control so someone else being in control is just...lovely. Also pet names! Like Sunshine, Babygirl, Doll....AHHhh I might melt.

-From 🎇Sparkle Anon🎇

Ah thank you so much! LOL I feel like we would be good friends bc of so much similarities, hope.you like this!

But anyways I match you up with-

🥁🥁🥁

Hoodie/Brian

SFW

This man ain't gonna lie you sometimes remind him a female version of his best friend Tim/ Masky but like in a good way (bc of your style and music choice)

Your foolishness is the ultimate thing he loves about you

He is scared to leave you by yourself sometimes since you are a klutz

But luckily he knows just enough about first aid so if you have a deep enough cut or something to that measure he's got you 😉😊

At first he would be scared to initiate conversation bc of your very beautiful but deadly looking "resting bitch face"

But once you started talking to him more he would feel a lot more comfortable coming around and just knew that's your cover around new people

Definitely teases you about your height 🤭 (he's 5'11 in my hc)

Is that type of cliche dude to rest his arm on you or would purchase a step ladder for you

Something could be an inch off your reach and he'll feel the need to tease you about it (all in good fun tho)

Hunny, he definitely gets the whole having difficulties talking about whats bothering as he does it too, he'll just try to figure out other ways to make you express what you're feeling. (Through healthy ways ofc)

He has anxiety too so yeah babe he gets it 😌

Sorry love but he kind of likes spiders soooo he would be that asshole that would pick one up and put it in your hair or shoulder without you noticing. (And now I have to do this don't kill me)

NSFW

Oooo darling ♥

He would love to mark you up

He love to be called his? Good cuz he was going to call you that either way even if you were friends or friends with benefits

What you got between your legs belongs to him

He loves how small you are since he's kind of toned and tall and you're like this little petite thing he can just throw around 😊

He understands if you're shy or don't feel comfortable being in control, he'll take over

Will say though, he'll probably suggest taking some sort of drug or anything to influence your senses so you feel more comfortable in your skin at some point or another

Especially since it's a very rare thing for him to see but he won't push too much

WILL 👏 FUCKING 👏 CALL 👏 YOU 👏 PET NAMES IN FRONT OF ANYONE

He doesn't care who hears or sees it since he would love to be caught ngl.

"I don't know why you're all dressed, doll, those clothes are gonna be in shreds and uses as gags or restraints"

Will take pics of you with his phone and has no shame having a very naked you in some angle displayed as his lock screen

Cockwarms you a lot especially when he's cleaning his guns

You just seem him there all busy taking care of something else and not you while his big ol dick stretches you

🥴🥴🥴 this man would choose to be suffocated between your thighs babe

Often squeezes them and ohohoh if you wear skirts or something showing them be prepared to be teased anywhere anytime

Hell even do it in front of others fuuuck he'd even eat you out while others are in the room.

"You're so tasty babygirl, I could eat you out all day and night"

[sugarmaplewings-fics]

Midoriya Comfort HCs

Pairing: Midoriya (Deku) x reader

Warnings: Mentions/the concept/symptoms of depression, otherwise none

Request: Hi, sugar! i just wanted to tell you how much i adore your fics. everything about them is truly outstanding, from your choice of words to the ideas you come up with. might i add, your ability to write the characters so well and immerse someone in the story are amazing and i hope that you’re very proud of what you’ve brought to the fandom! you’re one of my favourite writers on here! would it be possible for you to write comfort hcs for izuku w/ a reader who’s a victim of depression, or even if you aren’t comfortable with that, just for bad days? i’ve been feeling a lot worse than usual and it’s all crumbled for me, so i’m just seeking comfort from my best boy. - anon neo 

A/N: I’m sobbing??? I’m one of your favorites??! This is literally some of the nicest stuff anyone has ever said to me?? Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!! I’m so glad people actually like this stuff I make! 

And I’m always chill with doing anxious or depressed reader, since it’s something I (sadly) relate to myself and therefore feel pretty comfortable portraying it the best I can. I tried to get these out and done as fast as I could, but I hope you’re feeling better! 

I promise you, you can get through this. I believe in you. If you ever need to chat, I'm always open (this goes for everyone). I really enjoyed writing these and loved your request. No worries, I got you!

Anyway, I hope you and everyone else likes them (as always)! Thanks again so much for your kind words, they really keep me going <3

Love you!

-Sugar

═══*.·:·.✧    ✦    ✧.·:·.*═══

Ever since you started dating, Izuku pays a lot of attention to you and how you’re feeling, whether he’s subtle about it or not

So when you start spiraling into a bad place, he’ll notice pretty quickly

He’ll immediately ask you what’s wrong, remembering and still regretting the choices he’d made when he knew something was up with Iida

He’s a little sad when you explain you have depression, but he won’t be swayed. Far from it. This boy is determined to be the best boyfriend he can be for you, no matter what!

He’ll do some research before making too many moves. The idea of the big sad isn’t completely foreign to him, but he wants to make sure he’s doing everything right

Izuku would go over all the little notes he’d taken on you, making a habit of jotting down anything you like

Once he’s made a bit of a plan for himself and gathered everything up, you can expect a Deku-bomb of everything you like and it’s all just for you!

You like food? He’ll buy you your favorites and treat you with them when he storms your room. Into more outdoorsy or sporty activities? He’ll gently ask you if you’re up for getting outside and doing them. He’ll even invite your friends! You like books? He’ll pick up that novel you’ve been eyeing since it came out. The list goes on. He’d do anything to bring a smile to your face

So anyway, as I said, he’d storm your room with everything he could find that he thought might help, ready to dedicate the entire afternoon and evening to you

He’d ask if there was anything you needed to talk about. He’s really good at listening if you decide there is something you need to rant about. He’s not too bad with advice either!

If you decide not to talk about it, or maybe there’s nothing to talk about and you just feel a little blah, he’ll take out whatever lil’ something he got you

At this point, he’d do whatever you want to do, whether it’s playing a video game or going out for a walk or watching your favorite movie

And whenever you want, Izuku is always down to cuddle (hehehe my favorite part!)

He’ll scour both his and your rooms to find every blanket he can, coming back to wrap you up into a little fuzzy burrito

He’ll pull you into bed and spoon you, but not before pressing kisses over every available surface of your face and the top of your head

He’ll hug you into him from behind, draping a leg over you and resting his head above yours. This is also a good time to do any kind of ranting or talking, and if you ever feel the need to cry, you’re more than able to!

If you cry tho, Izuku might cry too. He’s very in touch with his emotions and seeing you cry will never fail to make him tear up too. That’s just the kind of person he is

He’ll remind you of how much he loves you and murmurs words of support and encouragement in your ear. There is hope for the future, and things won’t always be like this. He’s not afraid to start listing everything he loves about you, and trust me when I say this, he could go on and on. He has notes. He thinks about this every day

Whenever you get too hot in your burrito blanket, you can always climb out. But now this means that all your kissable surfaces are exposed!

If all his efforts to make you smile before had failed, this is the last straw. 

He’ll start a tickle war, pulling you back in to kiss you anywhere he can reach; your cheeks, your neck, your belly. There’s nothing suggestive behind it, he just wants you to know how loved you are by him

Once you’re done, he’ll let you nuzzle back into him for some much needed sleep. He’s spending the night with you, and there really isn’t much you can do about that

Even after your evening together is over, he won’t stop checking in on you to make sure you’re okay. He’ll do cuddle sessions, movie nights, walks in the park, anything, any time, as long as he knows he’s making a difference in making you feel better, even if it’s just a little

He’ll check in to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. You best be sure you’re eating your meals and drinking plenty of water. He’ll even bring you some if you’re not up for leaving your room

Guilty of never getting enough sleep? He’ll poke his head in to see if you’re still awake, and if you are, he’ll gladly tug you into bed and hold you until you’ve slipped off to the feeling of his hands running through your hair

Get too much sleep? He’ll make sure to invite you to things he’s doing to get you out of the house, or even take you on dates with just the two of you to keep you active and occupied

I know that I’m guilty of not showering when I hit a slump, so he’ll make sure to remind you to do that (if ya need it. no shame). He’d even make sure you were changing out and washing your clothes and sheets, happy to help you if you’re not up for it

If you need help picking up your room or washing dishes and the like, he’s prepped to help you there too. Better make sure you’re changing your clothes too, now. AT LEAST HAVE DAY PAJAMAS AND NIGHT PAJAMAS I--

My depression tends to come in waves (or as I like to call them; Sad Bitch Hours™), so if that’s the case for you, he’ll help you until you feel better and a little more like yourself again 

Izuku will never leave your side no matter what because that’s just how much he loves you. He has faith in you that you are strong enough to fight the issues and the hurt and the pain plaguing you, and by all means he will support you until the worst is over

A/N: Every time I write one of these, I feel like I’m doing one of those “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie--” books, except this one is more like “If (Y/N) Has Depression--”

Again, I truly hope that this can be some help for people who are struggling. I know that I am little more than an internet hermit, literally writing this in the darkness of my bedroom at 2 AM, but if I can bring even a touch of happiness, then my purpose will be fulfilled. I believe wholeheartedly that you can get through whatever may be going on in your life. In these past few years, I've been through a lot myself, but with a determined mindset and some professional help, I can say that I am doing so much better than I was.

Remember that you can't compare your progress to others. Healing takes time and patience and love, and simply remembering to be kind to yourself is the first step to steady recovery. I want you to know that I believe in you and that you matter. You matter so so so much. Every day, you change the world. There are people who love you (if you can't think of anyone, I'm here! Izuku loves you too, along with any other F/Os you may hold). I don't want to get too into this, but just remember that my inbox and DMs are always open. I'm not going to claim to be some sort of licensed therapist or mental health prodigy, but I'm a good listener and sometimes might offer decent advice. If you ever need a friend, I will be here to talk or rant to, and it would make me happy to see if someone reached out. You're not a burden, and your feelings are real and deserve to be confronted. No matter where you are in your journey, you're valid.

Sorry if this was a bit long, but I just wanted to say that you're important and people do care about you.

I wish you well and beautiful mornings,

-Sugar

Taglist: @basicaegyo​ @iiminibattlehero​ @pyrofanatic​​ @sokkasangel​ @xoxopam4​​

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

i am very much enjoying my vague void! it's currently blasting hozier at full volume and that's almost louder than my internal screaming (don't worry, everything is fine, i just saw a spider)

i've never once in my life have followed a recipe correctly. all of my measurements are completely random and whatever happens happens. it is no longer in my hands. whatever eldritch entities exist take the wheel. and i absolutely refuse to spell anything in english without autocorrect because y'all have way too many double letters and random vowel placement

thank you! sadly, i won't have a break right now, because we just had christmas vacations, but the start of the new semester is always pretty chill. and you're absolutely right, i should take up necromancy! the snow and the cold will add to my mysterious vibes. i just need to get a big black cape with a hood to complete the aesthetic

i definitely picture everything above 5'6 feet as the same height. 5'7 and 6'2? the exact same thing. no difference here

how is morepork a real bird name. it's just... more pork? but the bird is magnificent. i completely approve of your first order as bird queen, not that you need approval from mere peasants like me, but it's a great order. ohhh salps look really cool, and it does look a lot like it! when you said boob implant i thought of mermaids and them using salps as boob implants but then i realised wait wouldn't jellyfish be better for that? because of their shape? ignoring their little leggies they're quite boob shaped, no? and then i realised that i was thinking about mermaids and alive boob implants... if i had to think it, you have to read it. i'm sorry

i was sold before but now i'm even more sure that i want to hire you. and I'll make sure to have lactose free cheese for the backflips (unless you want the lactose version? i'm not judging). will the biting of ankles cost extra?

that sounds like a brilliant set-up for a horror movie where they kill off all the children one by one. it's absolutely horrifying. if something like that would've happened to me i would've most likely just passed out. whatever happens afterwards is not my problem. and now i really don't want to know what the hell your leg was caught on because that seems like knowledge that would get me killed

ah so you're a fellow dirt eater? according to my mom my favourite thing to do outside when i was a little kid used to be eating sand. just shovelling handfuls of it into my mouth and crying when my mom made me spit it out. which i refuse to believe. if there are no photos it didn't happen

you warm climate people are starting to make me think that i'm better adjusted to the cold than i thought i am! it's either that or our buildings are better heated. i definitely don't know if anyone else calls hot water bottled hotties but i like it so from now on i'm using it

that's so cute! i was clearly a way more selfish child because when i found any amount of money i just kept it and bought candy as soon as i could. i clearly couldn't save money then and i can't now. we have stores like that (or i'm assuming that they're like that solely based on how they sell lollies) and they used to be my favourite thing because you could get so many lollies for such a small price!! and my mom even used to let me order for myself sometimes so i always felt like a very big girl jsjshsbsjk

also the fact that i can't send pictures on anon is a crime (yes i know why and it's good that that's not possible because can you imagine anons being able to send pictures? oh no is all i have to say about it) but anyways. because i have this one super cursed photo that reminded me of you and now i can't share it :((

duuuuude, sick void bro. sounds like a vibing void. I feel like I haven’t seen a spider in awhile. Other than daddy long legs. But they’re chill. They mind their own business. 

I nearly always follow recipes exactly. My mum is like oh cook this for about 7 minutes? Yeah sure. I’ll take a wild guess. I’m like they say exactly 7 minutes so I’ll set a timer for 7 minutes and start a stopwatch so if it does seem to need more than 7 I can keep an eye on the extra time and be aware of exactly how long it takes me for next time. Other people are like oh let's see I have [lists 5-10 things in their fridge], hmm...oh I know what I could make with that! I’m like I have beans in my freezer because one recipe required them and no other recipes I know how to make do so what am I supposed to do with these now,,, this is stressful,,, basically I barely know how to cook and recipes are the only things saving me in that area. That is entirely fair. Except for the fuck duck, and murder is not the word you want surely, situations, it’s pretty helpful.

Ohhh I see. At least the start is chill! For a little! Before your entire situation spirals out of hand and you’re behind in every class and it’s taken you a whole day to read 10 pages and you’re exhausted and it’s only week 2. Just me? ok. fair. anyway. I want a cloak so bad. One of my uni friends tempted me to class because she said she was wearing a cloak so my depressed ass honest to god dragged myself out of bed and to said class just to see it. It was worth it. They’re incredible. Everyone should own a big cloak for the aesthetic.

I’m glad it isn’t just me hahaha. I can visualise my own height in feet but everything else is just the same size that is a vague amount taller than me, mentally.

It’s also known as the ruru. But the name morepork amuses me. It’s named after the call it makes haha. It does sound like it’s asking for more pork if you know to listen for that. thank u for ur approval, it means a lot, turns out becoming bird queen didn’t ACTUALLY get rid of my anxiety disorder weirdly enough so validation is great! lmaooo. What if the jellyfish stung them tho? At least salps wouldn’t do you dirty like that. The mermaids would just look like there are hundreds of bugs crawling around in their boobs, flesh shifting as they float around. Which is a vibe. If you’re into that. Jellyfish WOULD make a more solid, single, implant, some of them are definitely boob shaped. But that’s kinda boring no one’s gonna be traumatised by that. Salps on the other hand...yeah, that sight will DEFINITELY traumatise someone.

To be PERFECTLY honest I haven’t done a backflip in years but for lactose-free cheese? Dude. I’ll be going back to training. Gonna be the best backflip you’ve ever seen. As long as it’s not Tasty cheese I am content, but lactose free IS better. The biting of ankles will not cost extra, it is a pleasure to be allowed to do that.

Oh it absolutely would be. It’d be very funny if it reached the wider world bc people would probably be like ok but who would send kids into the bush like that,, it’s an odd concept. meanwhile everyone who grew up in nz is gonna be like y’all, you’re not gonna fuckin BELIEVE what i experienced growing up, it’s real dude. On one hand, I feel like murdering kids in a movie is questionable, on the other hand, It exists, so maybe people would be down for it. I feel like it’d be a good concept even if it wasn’t murdery tho. Like psychological horror? I’m not sure if I’m using that category correctly I don’t watch much horror. A kid following the rope but then being shifted into a different horror dimension but they never take the blindfold off because their teachers said not to and they’d probably have to let go of the rope to do it...I feel like this could work super well as a short film. The viewers see everything. The child just knows something is off and no one is coming when they call for help. I am so down for this. I also do not want to know what my leg was caught on. Some things I am better off not knowing.

yes! I am a fellow dirt eater! We had a sandpit at home (that’s a little bold. It was a large plastic shell that my parents filled with sand. technically a sandpit. but not fancy sdflsdkfsdf) but I don’t think I ever tried to eat it. Then again, I possibly did and just don’t remember because there’s no photo evidence of that one. I’d have to ask my parents sdfhsjdfs, I would however fully believe them if they said yes. it’s very characteristic of me. I don’t doubt it for a second. muuuum that’s my emotional support sand don’t make me spit it out smh the disrespect these days.

Oh I’m absolutely terrible even by most people’s standards around here when it comes to cold and hot temperatures. I remember sitting in the sun in my school shirt and school jersey in summer on a blazing day like it’s a bit chilly, isn’t it? Meanwhile my friends were in the shade absolutely dying from the heat. Likewise in winter I’d be shivering, teeth chattering, dying with my long sleeve thermal, my school shirt, my school jersey, my school jacket, my longs, warm socks and sneakers and gloves and school scarf while ppl would be walking around in a shirt and shorts like it’s a bit warm this winter huh? my body didn’t learn how to thermoregulate and it shows. But yeah NZ does also have a reputation for shittily insulated buildings and such. It shows. skhdfsfs if it’s not common use maybe don’t say can i have a hotty to someone without context but otherwise go ahead lmao. it’s a fun shortened version.

I was typically a very good saver, to the point where my extended family started gifting me gift cards and vouchers for Christmas and my birthday because if they just gave me money I’d put it in my bank account to save towards uni once I hit like, 12 years old. Which I think was a smart move. But apparently, I’m supposed to buy myself ‘something nice’ with it. I think I’m still an okay saver but I’m not as strict anymore. I’m aware of how much I can spare and I’m not just like you can never get anything for yourself ever, so I do get lil things for myself sometimes. oooo yay! At least you know what I mean. But yes. They were the gold mine for lollies. Absolutely terrific stores. My mum would be like hey lindsey how about you order? And I’d be like mother, I am 7 years old and I have an undiagnosed anxiety disorder everyone assumes is child shyness why would you think I would want to do that. Instead I will whisper my choices to you. After therapy tho I felt pretty rad for picking my own lollies by myself. I was like 13 at that point but sdfkjhsdf listen I got there in the end.

sdfkjsdfkjhsdf I like that a cursed photo reminded you of me. That’s all I need to hear. Tumblr said no anon dick pics but they also said no anon cursed photos either,,, very sad. for the latter part. the first part thank god. If I could turn on photos on anon I absolutely would just to see this but I don’t think I can :(

[lovehelpmewrite]

A Very Bad Day

Title: A Bad Day

Pairing: Gwil x OFC!Ella

Word Count: 3.7k

Summary: Ella is having a... less than amazing day. It turns out Gwilym is just what she needed to turn it around though.

Warnings: underage drinking i know bad dont do it im sorry

[A/N]: Okay so I know this is technically before Macarons and Spoiled Surprises but it’s been bothering me for months that I never wrote the middle step between our first date and us doing... y’know, you’ve read it i hope. So yeah, this is that middle step. Half inspired by an actual shit day I had, half inspired by my better half having had a bad day the day I wrote this. Enjoy and feedback is always welcome!! Also thank you thank you thank you to my best fren Mic @o-holynight​ for making me another amazing header just for this fic you’re so good to me and if you haven’t yet go through her masterlist because it slaps 

It was a crappy day. It was pouring, which normally I wouldn't mind—in fact I loved a good rainy day—but I had opened my window the night before and woken up to find my desk soaked in rain water and one of my notebooks with it.

"Ahhh shit," I muttered to myself as I woke up and climbed out of bed at the sound of the rain hitting the desk. I quickly latched the thing closed and looked down at the crinkling wet paper that was my notebook, picking it up by a corner and watching the water slide off the cover and off the pages. "Shhhhhit," I repeated, feeling my heart sink when I opened the cover and noticed the ink either bleeding into the other pages or sliding off along with the water. At least I didn't really use it, I thought. It was still sad to see something that I'd paid for just... Fall apart like this though.

I dropped it into the trash bin with a sigh and vowed to start getting ready to go out and buy a new one. Right after I have breakfast, I thought. As it turns out, there was no breakfast. No cereal, no pancake mix or frozen waffles. It was grocery day and Michaela had just left saying she was going to grab Joe so they could do the shopping for both at once. 

Okay so I'll go out for breakfast, I decided.

Except the coffee shop was closed. Again, no big deal but... It was another block in the freezing rain to the nearest cafe. It was too close to drive, especially because there was no parking down by it. Walking it is then. The sidewalk was slick with the freezing rain and the leftovers from the last snow so I tried my best to watch my steps and still maintain a quick pace. 

Needless to say I almost slipped—I didn't thankfully—but I caught myself at the last second in such a way that my umbrella swung out to the side and in an instant I felt drenched to the bone. I walked in looking like a half-drowned rat, ordered a muffin to go and tried to calm my anxious heart at the stares I was getting from the other patrons. In case you were wondering, yes, it's possible to angrily eat a muffin.

After I made it back to my car I drove to the nearest Staples and practically moaned as the warm rush of air hit my chilled face and body. I picked out a cute notebook—for sixteen fucking dollars, jesus Staples, cost more yeah?—and slapped it on the counter. The younger looking kid checking me out started at the noise but just smiled and asked if I wanted to join their rewards program. 

And then I was stood under the edge of the Staples sign trying to desperately shove the notebook in my jacket against my chest because what was once pouring rain had turned into a torrential downpour. It was like a sheet of water coming down at once while thunder boomed in the distance. I held an arm across my coat-covered-notebook and took a deep breath, readying myself for the sheer force of it to pound against the top of my umbrella.

By the time I got back to the dorm my legs up to my knees were soaked even despite my rain boots, as was the back of my coat and my umbrella. The notebook somehow survived the trip thankfully. As I was pulling it out of my jacket my phone buzzed in my coat pocket. A text from Mic.

Hey, over at the boys' and groceries are all put away

Is Gwil home? I might head over in a bit. Having a shit day :(

Aw im sorry :( he is tho I think. I'll ask

I waited a few seconds and then waited for the three dots while she typed.

He isn't but he's coming home in like half an hour from a reading

"Nice," I whispered to myself. Finally, something good today.

Im gonna shower. When he gets home tell him I'm coming?

Yeah ofc

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, glad to finally have something to look forward to. I took off my jacket and hung it on my door to dry before walking into the bathroom and peeling off my soaked jeans and socks, letting them sit on the floor while I turned the shower to scalding hot. I hissed as it hit my back but quickly adjusted to it, letting the water pooling at the bottom thaw my toes. I picked up my razor with a little indecision. He wasn't even going to see my legs or my armpits as far as I was planning, let alone anywhere near my underwear... I shaved anyway. As a way to pass time in the warm water at the least, and at the most it would make my sheets feel nice later. 

I got dressed in some loose sweats and a tank top, foregoing a bra with the assumption I was the only one home but when I came out of my room Sarah was back from her class eating at the table.

"Hey!" She said with a smile.

"Hey," I said back quietly, walking to the cupboard and pulling down a bag of chips. "How was class?"

"Ugh, don't even get me started. That dude was still trying to argue with the professor the entire class," she explained, rolling her eyes.

"Someone should keep a tally of every time he says something and then at the end of class take that many points off his latest paper or something," I offered with a small grin.

"We should, oh my god," she laughed back. "Hey, are you okay? Mic said you were having a crappy day."

I nodded, shrugging. "Yeah, I dont know it's just... A lot of little shit adding up, y'know?"

She nodded with a sad smile.

I took a deep breath and tried to stay positive though. "Good news though, I'm heading over to see the boys in a little bit. Did you wanna come with?"

"Ah, I'm going to meet Ben for lunch after his class gets out in like half an hour."

"Ah," I said in confirmation. "Okay, I'll see you later tonight? We need another girls night in, it's been too long."

She smiled, nodding in agreement. "Yeah, I'll see if I can pick up some stuff beforehand. It's your turn to pick right?" 

I nodded, "yeah." 

"Okay, cool. Nothing scary please? I like sleeping without nightmares."

I laughed, carrying the chips with me back to my room. "I'll do my best to let you keep your beauty sleep," I said over my shoulder before closing the door. 

I sat down on my bed with a sigh, dropping the chips next to me and reaching for my phone.

Gwil just got home, he's in the shower rn tho

Okay tell him im omw and I dont mind waiting or something

I made sure to pull on a sports bra and a sweatshirt before I left, as well as a pair of fuzzy socks inside my rain boots. I was nearly jogging across the street to the apartment, buzzing with excitement to see Gwil. 

We haven't been out on any dates since our second when he kissed me, but we had a lot of days where we walked each other to class or we'd get lunch together. Sadly, we hadn't kissed much since then but we made up for it with a lot of hand holding, or his palm on my back, or my hand on his knee and honestly... it was kind of nice just like that. Still, a day like today deserved some serious hugs at the very least. 

My frozen fingers shook as I pressed the buzzer and I exhaled in relief when it buzzed again and the lock clicked open, allowing me to rush into the warm elevator and ride up to the apartment. When I got up to the door though, I hesitated. 

Do I knock? Do I just walk in? Do I knock and then walk in anyways? 

I pulled out my phone and texted Mic.

Im outside the door

Come in lol?

Come open it I feel weird 

Between the previous cold and my embarrassment I'm sure my cheeks were tomato-red. She just smiled upon seeing me, waiting for me to take off my dripping boots and then motioning her head toward the couch.

"Gwil's probably getting out soon, you can wait with me and Joe on the couch," she explained, sitting back down next to Joe to watch whatever movie they had playing on the TV. I perched awkwardly on the edge of the cushion, trying—and failing—to control my bouncing knee while I waited for Gwil. 

"Hey."

I almost jumped at the soft greeting, springing off the couch and turning to him. My heart was thumping in my chest nervously.

He was just in sweats and a t-shirt but something about it was just so… hot. I hadn't noticed how shaggy his hair was getting until now, still dripping wet and hanging over his forehead a little. I almost missed when he jerked his thumb over his shoulder. 

"Do you wanna… my room?" He asked awkwardly.

I nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah- sure yeah."

I followed quietly behind him as he walked down the hall, stepping into the room and waiting for him to close the door. Then I was stuck just watching while he moved to sit on the edge of his bed with a bounce. I pressed my lips together to suppress an awkward smile, looking around his room. He had different playbills taped up on his wall above his bed, and his desk was covered in papers and packets and textbooks.

"So…" I started, bringing my eyes back to face him.

"So…" he mimicked back, a gentle smile growing on his face.

I breathed out a little laugh and moved to sit next to him on the edge of his mattress, copying his bounce from before and then bumping my shoulder into his.

"So how was your reading? How did it go?" I asked lightly, trying to start some sort of conversation, any conversation.

"Good! It was good," he answered back.

And then more quiet.

"Okay this is awful," I admitted before I could stop the words from coming out of my mouth.

Gwil's eyebrows shot up in surprise, like he couldn't believe I was saying it.

"Can we just like… I don't know, can we just watch something on your laptop or something? I just…" I blew out a quick breath and started to feel my eyes burn with tears I'd been holding in. "I've had a really shitty day and I was so excited to come over and see you and I don’t want it to be all... weird like it is."

He was quiet for a second, which gave me some time to calm back down a little and not actually shed tears.

"You're right," he sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "Okay, why don't we… Do you have something in mind to watch?" 

It was my turn to raise my eyebrows. "I mean I… what do you normally watch? What's your favorite show?"

It seemed to do the trick, the tension slowly released its grip on the room and we even managed to move back on his bed so he was positioned laying against his pillows and I was tucked neatly under his arm, half laying on his stomach. We'd agreed on Criminal Minds and somehow watched our way through two entire episodes before we forgot it all together and started talking… and then, well, kissing.

It started off innocent enough. I'd turned my head to joke about Spencer's hair in this season but instead found Gwil already looking at me with a soft smile.

"What?" I laughed.

He just gave a full smile and shook his head. "Nothing."

We were both quiet for a second, and then he leaned in and gave me a peck on the lips.

Oh.

I smiled back and leaned back into him, pressing my lips to his again but longer this time, slower, lingering…

We pulled back slowly, eyes still half closed. And then I felt the slightest squeeze of his hand on my waist and he surged forward again, lips firmly against mine, his tongue teasing across my bottom lip before biting gently.

Oh. 

I hummed in appreciation, leaning further against him until my leg hooked in between his and his hand was sliding up my back into my hair and grabbing lightly. 

My heart was racing in my chest. Was this it? Was I going to fuck him not 50 feet from our friends? Why am i even thinking that? Calm the hell down. 

I practically had to force myself to pull away, my fist still twisted in his shirt, still breathing heavily and close enough to be tempted to go back but I made myself stop.

"We have to… we should just slow down a little," I said quietly.

Gwil nodded in agreement. "Yeah. Yeah you're right we should just… take it easy for a bit."

I nodded back. 

Still, we somehow gravitated towards each other again until we were kissing again, albeit softer this time. Somehow we managed to keep it slow. Calm. Instead of dipping back into... dangerous territory. It was just… nice. 

It was comforting and reassured a lot of doubts I had. It was almost like a little dance, like a conversation. He'd lean forward and catch my lip with his teeth and in return I'd slide my tongue against his lip. It was jarring when suddenly everything went quiet and we both pulled apart in question only to see Netflix asking if we were still watching.

I laughed a little which seemed to make Gwil laugh which made me laugh more and snort and then he laughed more until we were both clutching our stomachs gasping for air in between laughs. Once we'd finally calm down we were left just staring at each other, not waiting for the other to talk, just looking at each other's faces and smiles and eyes.

"Y'know I was having a pretty crappy day and you made it a hell of a lot more bearable," I said honestly.

"I'm happy I could make your day better," he answered back, his smile wide.

I paused for a minute, contemplating saying anything. "Is it… is it weird if I really like making out with you?"

He shook his head quickly, "no! No of course not. I'm glad my skills were… put to good use." His smile turned smug.

I shoved his chest jokingly, turning in his grasp like I was going to roll away. I grinned when his hand fell to my hip and pulled me back in against him so his mouth was slotted against mine.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"To find someone with better lines I guess," I laughed.

"Are you saying you don't like my pick up lines?" He fake pouted, lips puckered out and all.

I gave him a quick kiss. "That's exactly what I'm saying." I laughed again when he dramatically flopped against the bed like he couldn't believe it. I kissed his jaw sweetly, turning it into a raspberry which made him laugh.

"Careful there, I don't need any weirdly placed hickies," he warned with a grin.

"So just for clarification, you don't want a big hickey on your cheek?" I asked, pretending to get ready to mark his cheek.

"Definitely not."

"Hmm," I hummed in mock disappointment. "And I had such plans too."

"Yeah, I'm sure," he said back, turning his head to face me and tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. He slowly leaned in and gave me another peck on the lips, and then another… and then one more. "You know, I'm really glad you came over."

I smiled back at him. "Me too."

We were quiet once again, just staring at each other again, every once in a while saying some small comment or joke or compliment but otherwise quiet. After a little bit, just when I was starting to feel sleepy, there was a quiet knock on the door.

"Come in," Gwil answered.

Michaela poked her head in after a second with a small smile. "Hey, I was just going to head back, it's almost six," she said softly.

"Oh Jesus, is it really?" I asked in surprise, picking up my phone to see texts from Sarah asking when I'd be back home. "Damn," I laughed slightly.

"Yeah, Sarah said you wanted to do a night in so do you wanna go to the store before home?"

I nodded, slowly untangling myself from Gwil and sitting up, stretching out my muscles. "Yeah, I'll be out in a few minutes, I gotta get the feeling back in my legs," I chuckled.

"Okay, I'll go pull on my shoes."

I stretched out each of my arms and legs, turning awkwardly to stretch my spine before I sighed, turning back to face a very tired looking Gwilym. "Hi."

"Hi," he grinned back, briefly stretching his back before relaxing back against his pillows. "Before you go, come here."

I grinned and leaned back in, our lips connecting for a long, sweet kiss. "Was that all?" I asked after it ended.

"No, one more," he smirked, pulling me back in for another peck. "Okay one more," and then another peck, "just one more-"

"Gwil," I laughed in between kisses. "I- gotta- go- you big dork-"

He gave a big dramatic sigh after the last kiss when I stood up away from him. "Fine, if you must."

"I must," I grinned. "Sorry bub."

"No it's okay," he relented with a smile. "I'll see you on Saturday, right? You're still coming over to hang out?"

I nodded. "Of course, I can't wait." I was reluctant to leave him, looking so soft and inviting and ready for a nap… I forced myself to walk out and close the door behind me, walking out to the living room to find Mic pulling on her shoes while Joe stood by.

"Hey," I announced, making her look up at me after she had both boots on.

"Hey, ready?" 

"Yep, lets go get drunk," I affirmed.

"Woah woah woah," Joe interjected, making me turn to him.

"Sorry dad, was I not supposed to tell you that?" I laughed.

"No drinking and driving young lady, be responsible," he said, pointing a faux serious finger at each of us.

"Sure, yeah, whatever you say," I dismissed with a grin. I turned to Mic, "want anything particular? I was planning on wine and some candy."

She shrugged. "Sounds good to me. Grab me some of the uhh the sour patch watermelon things though? Oh! And Reece's pieces," she grinned at the last second as I was walking out the door.

"You already know," I grinned back, shaking my head and closing the door to let her and Joe do their own little goodbyes.

When I made it back down to the front door, ready to open my umbrella and sprint to my car, I noticed it had stopped raining. It was still wet everywhere and puddles took up half the sidewalk but the once black sky was lightened to a pale gray. Michaela beat me back to the dorm, unsurprisingly and I walked in with full arms, happy to be greeted by Sarah and Mic pulling things out of my hands and already opening things.

"Yesss you got the good shit Ella," Sarah said gratefully, pulling out a bag of m&m's.

"Always," I smiled, pulling out a plastic container of cotton candy for myself.

"Okay so what are we watching?" Sarah asked, already transporting stuff to the couches. 

It was obvious the two of them had moved everything for optimal TV viewing.

"I was thinking Umbrella Academy if that's cool?"

They both nodded, mouths already full of candy. 

I laughed. "Okay, Umbrella Academy it is then. I'll grab the wine."

Somewhere between the third and fourth episode we'd finished the first bottle of wine and went to open the second only to find it impossible.

"Just… open it," Sarah laughed, watching me trying to use the wine bottle opener to grab the cork and failing.

"I'm trying!" I laughed back, pulling out pieces of cork instead of the entire thing. "Dammit! Mic come help us!" I called.

The TV paused as she came over and looked over the destroyed cork, pushed nearly all the way into the bottle. "Dude what did you even do?!" She chuckled.

"I tried to open it, what do you think!" I laughed back.

"Okay, gimme a spoon, I'll shove it into the bottle."

"What? No take it out!" Sarah laughed.

"I can't! This one-" Mic laughed, pointing at me, "destroyed the cork and now its not gonna come out!"

I was wheezing from laughing so hard, practically laying across the counter. "I'm sorry!"

Sarah laughed at my reaction in response, squatting next to the counter trying to catch her breath as well.

"Fine I'll find a spoon myself!" Mic declared, still laughing while she tried to push down on the cork. "Ahah!" She yelled in triumph making us laugh even harder at the pop of it dropping into the wine.

We ate our way through almost all of the candy and the two bottles of wine over five episodes before we decided to call it a night (or well, early morning but same thing). 

It was nice, to go to bed feeling warm and loved and like a crap day had turned good. I fell asleep easily and without resistance, the opposite to how I'd woken up. It was a good day, I decided.

- - -

feedback is always appreciated and thank you for reading lovelies!!

[calm-me-down-oh]

How about all the questions ;)

skdsjf ofc u would get me back for that, under a readmore bc theres a lot!

When was the last time you masturbated? Yesterday! Had a.. very hot convo w my gf

Do you enjoy being fingered/fingering? Uhh the only time Ive had it done to me the person had to stop bc they got uncomfy with it and it was overall just a bit odd,, wait it happened a second time and their nails were too sharp also sdkfhsdh I feel like I could get to like it though? If its like, actually properly done rather than my current experiences sdhfk

How do you feel about food during sex? nno thanks mostly? I guess it can kinda depend on the food though idk, like if my gf suggested somethin I might not mind trying it out depending on what it was yknow

What do you do directly after sex? um.. well afaik just kinda lay/sit in a daze for a moment, mayb have some water, get real clingy, kind of have to be nudged into doing stuff bc i guess my brain just stops working skjdfkj

Cuddle with the tip in? Hell yeah. cuddle with it all in. sounds good.

What’s the nastiest sexual thing you’ve done? I don’t think I’ve really done anything nasty sdjkfsj all the sex ive had has been quite brief and vanilla idk

Name a follower you would fuck. @you-better-make-me!

Name a follower you have fucked. None..

What’s the sexiest part of your body? Idk man I guess my thighs are ok people seem to like them anyway

FuckMarryKill: DJ Khalid, Rick Ross, Fat Joe Am i supposed to know who these people are

Would you ever be with a trans person? i think the real question is would i ever be with a cis person (yes i would be with a trans person i am with 2 trans people and i am trans and i havent dated anyone cis since i was like 15)

Riding dick or doggy style? yes

Ever fucked in a school? Nope

Most random place you’ve had sex? havent really had sex in a random place lmao just beds

Would you ever be part of the mile high club? maybe..? thats having sex on a plane right. idk. maybe

Name three of your spots. what does this mean fkjd

Fuck on the first date? Depends

Do you suck dick? I’m sure gonna try!

Do you eat ass? Idk maybe not skdfjhsjk

Do you eat pussy? Haven’t yet, nearly did, got too nervous sdkjfh

Do you like kissing? So much!!

Is farting during sex sexy? I.. I mean its not sexy but like im also not gonna have a negative reaction. unless its me. that is something im admittedly very nervous about fkjd

Ever fucked in the shower? Nope

How old were you when you lost your virginity? Uh............ good question. 19 or 20 i forget if it was before my birthday but within the last year. unless you only count penetrative sex, then I haven’t yet

Do you prefer sex in the morning, afternoon, or night? Y..yes? I suppose afternoon/night is usually a better time, morning is jsut sleepy and trying to remember how to exist hours

Do you like drunk sex? Haven’t had it but I do get horny when I drink, wouldn’t be against trying it with someone I trust

Do you like high sex?  Again never had it! And I haven’t really been high either so Idk

FuckMarryKill: Nicki Minaj; Cardi B; Kash Doll N..none for any

When was your first kiss? I was like 13 I think

How did you meet the person you lost your virginity to? College

Have you ever faked an orgasm? Nope. Wait maybe. Kind of. Idk when I was younger I was with this guy who would try get me to touch myself n I hadn’t figured out how to make it feel good so I’d just lie and say I was when i wasnt bc i didnt wanna do it so maybe at some point i said i came when i hadnt sdfhks

Ever painted/been painted on? Yeah but not in like a horny way, my ex would paint on my hand as kinda their way of flirting with me

You like sex toys? Sure

What’s your favorite sex position? Personally think missionary is underrated bc that closeness and being able to cling just sounds v good but also getting fucked from behind face down ass up also sounds,, v good lately

Sex on a bed, couch, or floor? beddd, maybe couch, floor just seems uncomfortable

Do you like car sex? Never had it, just seems a bit awkward but I guess I’d be open to trying it

You get instantly horny; what happened? My neck got bit!

FuckMarryKill: Trey Songz, Chris Brown, August Alsina. Kill chris brown. idk who the others are

Describe your crush. Don’t have one!

Woukd you ever be with someone with an incurable STD? Uh... Idk? I mean, theres preventative measures for basically all std’s right? So as long as those are taken so i dont also get it I guess it’d be ok

Rate your head game. No clue dkfhdsj

Rate your sex. Awkward!

Would you fuck someone outside of your race? ?? yes. what kind of question is this

Describe the type of freak you are. idk what this means but what first came to mind was ‘pet’ so take that as u will

Ever tasted your own nut/cum? Sure

Into golden showers? Nope

Body count: Under or Over 25? Wayyy under

How do you feel about nipple play? Uh depends! Not into being harsh like clamps etc just seems like itd hurt n not in a good way, but playing w/ them w ur hands and sucking on them. very good

Where do you like to be nutted on? chest/stomach seems good

Which are you better at: topping or bottoming? bottoming

What do you consider “too small?” Idk man dick is dick idc

Is play fighting foreplay? It sure can be!

Do you like angry sex? In concept maybe, in reality itd just kinda scare me

How long should a quickie be? Idk.. quick

How long is “too long” to have sex? Idk sex ends whenever one of u wants to stop, don’t think u can go too long if ur both comfortable with it

How long is “too long” to go without sex? Listen i.. am not the person to be asking this I’ve had sex maybe 3 times spread out over almost a year. i have never regularly had sex

Is “no” relevant in a relationship? Incredibly relevant!! Always!! Unless you’ve discussed beforehand that its ok to ignore it and have a safeword in place instead!! and then that safeword is not to be ignored!!

Do you believe in no-strings-attached sex? Sure but idk if i could do it

Would you have sex in a public bathroom? mmmaybe....

Would you have sex in a changing room? mmmmmmmmaybe

Who was the last person you had sex with? My ex

Describe your type. Idk I have the weirdest type i think they have like nothing in common then theyll all turn around and be into the same stuff or something its v strange

Name 3 turn-ons. Biting, just making out sometimes tbh, skin contact in places usually covered by clothes or under clothes..

Name 3 turn-offs. Umm. i definitely have turn offs but whenever im asked my mind goes blank. I guess being overly rough, hair pulling im undecided on tbh, and oh i usually dont like having my ass smacked but idk if itd change if it were like.. in the middle of sex

Name something that would make you stop in the middle of sex. Bad pain or panicking or it seems like the other person is uncomfortable. or someones knocking on the door for some reason sdkfjs

Would you answer a phone call during sex? no omg

Would you ever pay for sex? Nah.

Would you accept money for sex? Uh. Maybe? Wouldnt ask for it tho

How do you typically feel after sex? Mostly affectionate and good, but w the last person i was with sometimes it seemed like they just wanted it over and done with so i would get kinda nervous and guilty over that,, idk

Do you like your body? Nah

Ever sent nudes? Yep

Have you ever cheated on someone? Yeah he was abusive

Have you ever been cheated on? Idk, maybe, wait i think the guy i cheated on tried saying he cheated on me too but idk if he was just trying to get back at me so

Would you have a threesome? If I trust the people sure

Would you have a foursome? Same as above

Would you take part in an orgy? Uhh idk maybe, same as above applies tho

Would you let’s train be ran on you? Again if I trust the people yeah sure

How often do you masturbate? Idk it really depends sometimes im really horny and its like daily maybe more than once a day and then sometimes i just dont for like. a while

Sex with the lights on or off? on.. how are u meant to see what ur doing otherwise sdjkhfs

Sex with music or tv in the background? Sure, idc really. Though i have a thing if its like.. kids stuff.........dont do that..........

Do you have a cousin you’d fuck if you weren’t related? wtf no

In your last relationships, rate the sex? Uhh... good? I mean, good at the time, though like i said sometimes felt a bit rushed, and that now makes sense and i have very mixed feelings on it but mostly guilt bc the person i was with has since said they werent really into it. so.

Do you sleep naked? Nah I at least have underwear on

How often do you go commando? Never

Are your nipples pierced? If not, would you get them pierced? Nope

Do you dive right into sex, or converse first? Uh, depends? Talking about it beforehand or even during can be good though. But i guess it doesnt have to be Right before it, it can be a bit in advance

After taking your clothes off, what’s the first move? Kiss.. touch,, etc,,

Do you make the first move? Um. w my ex i kinda had to bc as i said, i later found out they werent really into it. other than that i generally dont tho bc im very nervous abt all that, kinda especially after that discovery hdfbghf

Have you ever had sex with more than one person in a day? Nope

Do you like dryhumping ? Sure

Can you twerk or do a split on a dick? Probably not

Have you ever been recorded during sex? No but I’ve had a dream abt being recorded sucking someones dick it was weird

Do you watch porn during sex? W. who does that. how can u focus on that. why would u watch sex when ur having sex skdjfhsjdk

After fucking, do you try becoming friends with a one night stand? Never had a one night stand

What’s your kink? Praise! Marking! Collars!

Would you hook up with the same hook-up again? I don’t think i could have a hook up tbh so no

Ever made a relationship from a one night stand? nope

How romantic are you during sex? uh.. idk havent rly had chance to try being romantic during sex but soft sex sounds v good imo

Describe your sex in 5 words or less. in my experience so far? nervous and kinda awkward

[winryofresembool]

EdWin one-shot: A Food Fight (of sorts)

Summary: Ed and Winry are preparing to move in together a bit before their wedding, but of course things don’t go like planned. (could be canon ‘verse or whatever universe you want!)

A/N: my part of the fic-art trade with @mavistuffz! I was planning to finish this way earlier but sometimes life and writer’s block happens :/ Either way, I really hope you’ll enjoy this! It’s probably not quite what you had in mind, but hey, it’s EdWin, so that’s the main thing, right? :’) Let me know what you think!

Words: 2900+ (hey, at least it’s p long?)

Genre: fluff

Warnings: swearing and some sexual implications, I guess (nothing bad tho)

Ed and Winry had only one month left till their wedding, and that meant a lot needed to be done before the big day. The quests had been invited, dresses and suits bought, the venue and the theme colors chosen (to Ed’s surprise, Winry had even allowed a little bit of black in the decorations because it had been his wish), but that didn’t mean they were anywhere near done.

Perhaps one of the biggest tasks they needed to do before the wedding was moving into their own house. It had been decided they’d move to Rush Valley after returning their honeymoon, which meant their new home needed to be organized before the wedding. That only added pressure for the bride and groom who had been stressed even before the moving.

They had found a nice small place near Garfiel’s, something Winry was happy about despite her teacher’s playful accusations that one day she’d open her own automail shop and steal all his customers. While Winry was dreaming about opening her own shop at some point, she had a secret she had only told Ed so far, a secret that would affect her professional career quite a bit. That’s why she was perfectly happy to work with Garfiel until she was financially stable to start her own business. Ed would still continue doing his research, and he had also received an interesting offer from General Mustang. He had suggested Ed become an alchemy teacher in a nearby university that had been opened recently. The young man had been a bit reluctant, reminding Roy he couldn’t even perform alchemy anymore, but afterwards he had told Winry he might consider it. That way he could spread important information that could help them avoid the misuse of alchemy in the future.

The couple finished carrying the last pieces of furniture (Winry only carrying light clothes boxes because of her condition) and decided to take a breather before starting to organize the smaller objects into their shelves. They had decided to start with the kitchenware because they were planning to spend the night in their new home and cook something for their helpers, Al, Garfiel and Paninya.

“Whew, I thought we’d never get it finished,” Ed swept sweat from his forehead and took a couple of steps back to see the final results of his work.

“Can you believe it? Our first home together,” Winry marveled as she watched the view from the kitchen.

Ed walked right behind her and wrapped his arms around her belly. “Well, technically we have been living together for quite a while now…”

“You know what I mean,” Winry remarked. “This isn’t my granny’s place, this is yours, mine and the baby’s.”

When Winry said the last word, Ed’s hand automatically sought the still non-existent bump and rubbed it lightly through her shirt.

“Do you think she will be angry?” Ed asked worriedly.

“About the baby? She’ll probably say something like ‘you damn kids start way too early these days’ and then congratulate us. I’m pretty sure she and my grandfather weren’t married yet when they had my father…”

“The old hag is something else,” Ed snorted. “Remember what Dominic told us about her?”

“Hey, this is my granny we are talking about! Please have some respect, she let you live under her roof!” Winry reminded him and slapped his hands away from her belly.

“And while there, I also got her granddaughter pregnant,” Ed laughed and earned an elbow on his ribcage.

“Ouch!”

“Sometimes I don’t know what I see in you.” Winry shook her head and turned to stare at her fiancé judgingly.

“That’s too bad because I do recall you promising to give 85 per cent of your life to me.” Ed smirked at her smugly, and she stuck her tongue out at him.

“I might still change my mind about that, Mr. Elric.”

“Nah, you wouldn’t, future Mrs. Elric.”

“Oh, about the name…” Winry seemed to taste the word with her tongue, “how would you feel if I changed my last name to Rockbell-Elric instead?”

“That sounds good to me.” Ed nodded. “I know you are proud to be a Rockbell.”

“I am. But I’m also glad you have your mother’s last name because Rockbell-Hohenheim would be a monster to say.”

“I won’t disagree with you on that. Anyway, should we start organizing the kitchen?” Ed asked. “The others might come any minute now…”

“Sure thing. I’ll carry the dry foods here, you can set them where they belong.”

The work progressed rather peacefully, until…

“What?” Winry yelled suddenly. “The chocolate doesn’t need to be in the ice box! Why would you put it in there anyway? I was planning to eat it soon because the Truth knows I’m in need of something with a lot of sugar and fat right now.”

“Oh, here we go with the cravings…” Ed mumbled under his breath, but unfortunately for him, Winry heard him.

“Excuse you, mister, I would like to see you carry a child for 9 months and see how much chocolate you want to eat!”

“Relax, Winry, I didn’t mean… I was just going to put it in there because it’s hot outside and you really don’t want it to melt, do you?”

“Fine, then… just don’t make that mistake again!”

“I won’t!” Ed promised quickly, knowing it was dangerous to fight with Winry right now.

The couple continued to fill the shelves and closets, but it wasn’t calm for long.

“Did you… did you buy blue cheese even though you know how much I hate it?” Ed nearly screamed when he opened the ice box again. “It’s even grosser than the milk it’s been made of! It has fucking mold on it!”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I try to remember that the next time we go do some grocery shopping. The same way you hopefully remember to not buy pickles! Even the smell of those things makes me throw up, Edward!”

“You never told me that!” he claimed. “Of course I wouldn’t have bought them if I had known!”

It was a half-truth; now that he thought of it, Winry might have mentioned something about pickles earlier, but he hadn’t remembered. If he had, there was no way he would have bought them.

“I most certainly did!” Winry argued. “Do you remember when I got sick the other day after seeing your sandwich? It was because it had pickles on it. And I remember clearly saying: ‘don’t ever eat those again near me’! You just never listen!”

“I do listen! It’s just, when you go ‘don’t do this, don’t do that’ all day, every day, some things are just easy to forget!”

“You know what, Edward? Fuck you. I really really don’t know why I’m gonna have a wedding with you in a month.” “Winry! I’m sor…”

Ed didn’t get to finish his apology before Winry marched out of the room, slamming the door angrily behind her.

“Oh, great,” Ed growled to himself. “I screwed it up again. Just when we were supposed to move in here too…”

Ed didn’t get to fume alone for a long while, because Al and Paninya chose that moment to return from their break.

“Why do you look so murderous? Not that you don’t always look a little bit scary, but isn’t this supposed to be a happy day?” Al asked, raising his eyebrow questioningly.

“If there was a moment when I wished I’d be able to hit myself, that would be now,” Ed stated, making the other two glance at each other with confusion.

“OK?” Al tried to get his brother to elaborate a bit.

“I got her mad again,” Ed said after a while. “And in the worst possible moment too. I know she’s been particularly sensitive lately, yet I couldn’t stop in time…”

“What do you mean when you say she’s been particularly sensitive lately? Is there any specific reason for that?” Paninya had become good at reading other people’s emotions and she could sense Ed was hiding something from her. He turned away from the other two, running his hand through his hair in frustration.

“I… uh… you guys weren’t supposed to know yet… she wanted to tell you herself. Oh man, she’s really gonna kill me when she finds out…”

“Brother? Could you please talk like a normal human being? I don’t understand a word you said.”

“I shouldn’t tell you!” he tried one more time, even though he knew he had already lost this battle.

“Wait a second…” Paninya had a moment of realization. “You said she’s been sensitive lately… she’s been spending a lot of time in the toilet, and… you guys didn’t tell us what you are going to do with that spare room… She’s pregnant, isn’t she?”

“I… Fine… Yes, she is.” Ed stuttered, seeing it was too late to deny it anymore.

“Way to go, guys!” Pan exclaimed and smacked Ed on his shoulder in a friendly manner. “Although, I admit I didn’t think you’d have it in you. Usually you blush when she’s simply in the same room with you. I gotta talk to her as soon as possible! But you, mister,” she pointed at Ed, “You need to talk to her first. I remember hearing something about a stupid argument earlier, and I won’t let you get away with it that easily. Go make it right. That’s what she’d tell me if I was in your situation.”

“I guess you’re right,” Ed sighed. “Why does it have to be so damn hard, though? Hey, Al?” Al hadn’t gotten a chance to say anything yet, he was just standing there, looking dumbfounded.

“You’re having… a baby? I’m… gonna become an uncle?”

“Yes,” Ed said carefully, scared of an explosion even though he should have known Al would never react like that.

“That’s… that’s so amazing, brother! I’m so happy for you!” the younger brother suddenly exclaimed and rushed to hug Ed.

“Take it easy, Al,” he tried to calm him down, although he was secretly very happy and relieved about his reaction. “I can’t breathe!”

When Al finally let go of him, he got an idea.

“Hey, before I go to talk to her… There’s something we could do.”

Ed dragged Al to a grocery store, and when they got to one of Ed’s favorite sections, he asked:

“Which flavor do you think she’d like? Nuts? Salt? Berries? Just regular?”

“Shouldn’t you be the one to know that?” Al asked back. “You’re the one who’s gonna get married to her.”

“Shut up, Al. Oh, look! There are even skeleton shaped ones! These are so cool!”

“Edward,” Al said with a warning tone, “remember that you are buying them for her, not for you. She would not like that.”

“Fine. What would you suggest then?”

“I say you should try to make them special. Something she can’t buy from this store. Hey,” he pointed at one shelf, “there are molds there! Look at this, don’t you think she’d like this?”

  After buying the products for preparing the special gift, Ed and Al told Paninya to go and distract Winry while they’d be working in the kitchen. She was still sulking upstairs, and the boys didn’t want her to come down before they were finished with their work. Paninya agreed after hearing the brothers’ plan and climbed the stairs to the bedroom, stopping to knock the door.

“Who is it? Ed, if it’s you, I swear to Truth I’m in no mood to…”

“No, it’s me, Pan.” The dark-haired young woman said calmly.

“I guess come in then,” Winry replied. Paninya wondered if she had heard a bit of disappointment in her voice.

“I heard what happened,” she said. “You know, I don’t usually defend your idiot of a boyfriend, but he really is sorry.”

“If you came here to talk for him…”

“No, I came here because you’re my friend and of course I’m worried about you.”

“OK.” Winry calmed down and sat down on the bed, folding her arms on her lap.

“Uh, please don’t get mad,” Pan said after trying to decide how to tell her the news, “but… he accidentally revealed your secret. Or rather, I guessed it when he said some weird things.”

“Oh great. That idiot. I really didn’t want you to find out that way,” Winry sighed, understanding Paninya must have talked about her pregnancy. “I was supposed to tell you soon…”

“It doesn’t matter, Winry! I’m happy for you, I really am! It’s just, you guys seem to get into a fight over smallest things, and what if… what if it gets out of control and one of you says something you can’t fix?”

“Trust me, that thought has crossed my mind a few times. But don’t worry, at the end of the day, we still love each other. He may be an idiot, but… he’s still my idiot. And besides,” Winry blushed fiercely, “afterwards, making up is always fun.”

“That’s too much information, Win!”

“OK, OK, sorry. But it’s not just the sex, he’s always super sweet and thoughtful after a fight. Sometimes he cooks something good, and once he even let me use his favorite leather jacket… You know how he loves that thing.”

“Wow. Sounds like you have him totally wrapped around your finger.”

“Even though I hate to admit it at the moment, he does that same to me,” Winry’s face got even redder. “There’s a reason why I’m marrying him, after all. But what is taking him this long?” She suddenly got worried. “Usually he comes to find me a lot faster…”

“He’s… busy doing something.” Paninya said carefully, not wanting to reveal the secret Ed was preparing.

“OK. He’d better do it fast, though,” Winry complained. “I’m getting really hungry here.”

“You have already forgiven him, though, haven’t you?”

“When you are fighting with him as much as I am, you kinda have to learn to do it fast.” Winry smiled.

“You seem to enjoy the fighting, am I right?”

“I guess you are. I wouldn’t be able to be with someone who never challenges me.”

“Aww. Then you are definitely marrying the right person.”

“Hey! Only I have the right to insult him!” Winry exclaimed, pretending to be angry, but soon burst into laughter.

The girls changed the subject and started talking about baby related things, like the baby’s sex and name suggestions. At some point Al peeked into the bedroom and told Paninya Ed and he were ready.

“Where are you taking me?” Winry tried to pry when Al came in and tied a scarf around her head, so she couldn’t see what was happening around her.

“It’s a surprise. That’s why there’s a blindfold,” Al said and spun Winry around a couple of times so she wouldn’t be able to figure out their direction too easily.

“I don’t like surprises,” Winry tried to protest but followed Al when he dragged her forward.

“Are we there yet?” she asked impatiently when her future brother-in-law seemed to take her in and out of a lot of rooms.

“Soon, Winry, soon.”

They stepped into a room that had been empty before the fight because the couple had agreed that they still had plenty of time to organize it. When Al took the scarf off from Winry’s face, she didn’t recognize the space at first. There was a chest of drawers for the baby’s clothes Pinako had given for the couple (not knowing they’d be using it for this purpose, however), a shelf for toys and other things (a surprisingly cute dragon plush already sitting there), a table for changing the diapers, and…

“A crib?” Winry asked aloud when she saw the object she didn’t remember seeing earlier. “When did you have time to get this?”

“Just a little while ago… You know, Al helped a bit…” Ed said, referring to his alchemy. “But I added some things of my own in there. And I would have added more but Al didn’t let me.” Al rolled his eyes at his brother, knowing he had wanted to make the crib black and add some spikes and gargoyles here and there. He’d have to hide Ed’s drawing from Winry…

Winry pulled the blanket on the crib away and saw a huge bowl in there. And the bowl was full of…

“Chocolate wrenches!”

“If you want to throw me with them… go ahead.”

“No way!” Winry said and took one chocolate wrench into her hand excitedly. “I’m going to eat this right away!”

As she munched happily, Ed said: “I’m sorry about earlier. I know this moving in and the wedding and now the baby too have been stressing you… I shouldn’t be the one to add you even more stress. And I promise to listen to you more often now. By the way, I threw all the pickles away too.”

“That’s good. I shouldn’t have nagged you about the chocolate either. And you don’t have to eat the blue cheese if you don’t want to.”

“You know I don’t,” Ed snorted and went to hug his soon-to-be-wife.

“We’re a pair of idiots, aren’t we?” Winry murmured when she snuggled her head against his shoulder.

“I guess we are. Hey, we’re not skipping our favorite part of making up, though?” he whispered, trying to make sure Al and Paninya weren’t hearing.

“You give me some real food first, and we’ll see what happens after that,” Winry said with amusement, intertwining their fingers.

“It’s a deal.”

A/N: In case you missed it, I drew a picture of Ed’s version of the crib. Check it out!

[missneko-otaku]

Sakakibara Yasumasa

A Faint Affection (MC x Yasumasa)

-Chapter 1/ Chapter 2/ Chapter 3/ Chapter 4/ Chapter 5/ Chapter 6-7 *new

(Finally, got to finish chapter 5..whew~ (⌐▨_▨) Here it is~! Just gonna share it to you too, guys :-D Hope you don’t mind. @shiranata @ieyasu-tacogawa @bmp-slbp-matchup @uesugi-miu @masamunbae @yvckie @af-fection @sagaralisa )

A Faint Affection (MC x Yasumasa)

Chapter 5

Afternoon Break, and Some Little Troubles..

Everyday is just the same. 

Which is good. I hope this peace we have will stay longer, last longer-- tho I know that it’s impossible. That this is just temporary, a thing I could only wish. Yet.. I pray that tomorrow will still be the same as today. Peaceful.

I am outside the main courtyard, just in the clothesline area folding the newly dried and sun-pressed laundry clothes-- putting them into a large woven basket just beside me. It is already late morning, the sky with a glaring sun staring above us. A hot relentless morning, surely.

I stack the nicely folded clothes into the large woven basket and with care, hold the basket both in my arms. I unsteadily walk towards the veranda, careful at each step I take so that I won’t might bump into something. But as I am about to head to the corner of the corridor, I bump not into a wall, instead to someone-- sending him on the floor with a thud that seems painful just by the sound of it. I can’t see who it was because of the pile of clothes blocking my view, but I just really hope so it isn’t lord Ieyasu that I accidentally sent flying to the wooden floor.

Quickly, I put down the large basket on the floor and rush toward that person. 

“..mmm..” reacts faintly of the man sitting now on the floor.

“I-I am so sorry, milord..!” still flustering, I help him get to his feet. 

“It’s okay. I’m fine.” says the voice so softly, to my surprised when I look, it is lord Toramatsu. 

“Oh, lord Toramatsu..!” I say with a sense of relief knowing that it was him. 

Whew. Thank goodness, it wasn’t our difficult Tokugawa young lord. I utter within myself.

He looks at me, his hand brushing off his wrinkled hakama, and talks to me in a kind tone, “Still doing some chores?” he asks.

“Ohh, yes. I am about to finish everything, just need to store these fresh laundry then I am done for today’s morning chores.” feeling glad about this fact as I say it to him.

“I see..” he smiles but then, when he looks at that towering pile of clothes, a slight surprised or maybe shocked shows on his face, “but.. That sure looks heavy. Do you want me to help you?” he asks with a little concern.

Even tho everyone here knows that I am a guy, surely you can’t deny the fact that I have a small and almost-like fragile frame. I feel a bit glad for how considerate lord Toramatsu can be, even to a guy. He sure is a kind soul.

“Oh, no. It’s really okay. I always carry this much just fine by myself. All the time too.” I say, reassuring him that he doesn’t really need to worry about it.

“Still. Hmm..” with that familiar determined expression I came to know after living here for a while that shows lightly on his face whenever he’s already decided to do something, he urges me, “Let me carry the other half. Just think of this as a little reward for all the hard work you do for us. You always help in the kitchen, even in cleaning and you even serve lord Yasumasa.” 

Well, knowing that I can’t refuse him at all, seeing him exudes with such eagerness to help, I happily take his kind offer and let lord Toramatsu help me carry the half of the clean clothes. 

We divide it. He carries the half in the big basket while I on the other hand, the other half of the clean laundry pressed on my chest tightly so as not to deform the folded clothes. We then start to walk.

“You don’t have to be so formal to me too, you know. We are almost the same age.” without glancing at me, he says it with a faint smile on his lips.

“Umm..alright..If it’s really okay with you, milord. Then, thank you again for helping me with these.” I reply, now in a somehow more casual and comfortable tone.

“Yeah..” he adds.

As we walk, a familiar voice greets us suddenly in the corridor that makes me instinctively almost jump into my feet upon just hearing it. My guts is right. It is lord Yasumasa in front of us-- looking at us with a smile and an expression that I can’t seem to decipher. 

I don’t know why I reacted like that, but he seeing me with lord Toramatsu, sends bad feelings to me. I can just feel it in my bones.

I feel anxious for some reason..

I don’t know why I feel a bit guilty too right now as if I was caught doing something bad behind his back or something. 

This brings me back too, when I saw lord Yasumasa some time ago, staring intently at lord Tadagatsu, lord Tadakatsu and some of the retainers while they were laughing. That facial expression that he had back then, bothered me. Just like now, as I think of it.

“Oh, what do we have here? Hmm.. “ he looks at us with a bit of disdain, his arms crossed..then continues, “You just love being a goody two-shoes, aren’t you...Toramatsu?” he says in a smirking fashion, his mocking gaze directed at lord Toramatsu.

“...” 

Lord Toramatsu says nothing in return though I can feel the glare brewing inside his eyes as he stares at lord Yasumasa too. His silent expression tells me that he’s resisting himself, not letting lord Yasumasa’s words get to him.

To break the nerve-racking atmosphere that starts to build up around us, I bow and greet lord Yasumasa as usual.

“Um.. G-good day to you milord.” 

Okay. I think I just sounded a bit awkward there. 

As soon as I finished my greetings, lord Toramatsu, starts walking in quick strides with the basket in his arms-- passing lord Yasumasa as if he isn’t there and leaving me behind.

“Hmph.” snorts lord Yasumasa, his eyes following the back of lord Toramatsu, “acting all high and mighty now, huh.” he adds, clearly irritated or dissatisfied by how just lord Toramatsu ignored him completely.

Ughh.. I don’t like this. I feel like my stomach is in knots right now. And why does he always have to act like a jerk all the time, anyway..!? Especially with lord Toramatsu.

This, I say with wonder and clear bit of annoyance to myself.

I thought I am accustomed to his jerk behaviors but I think sometimes, he can be just too much and unreasonable. Like a child, a bully, always picking fights.. Sigh. Sometimes I wish he would change that jerk part of him. Oh, well.. What can I do, that is lord Yasumasa for you. 

Though I am trying to understand lord Yasumasa more and accept him for who he is, I can’t help but wish for him to try to be a little kind and considerate to others.

Busy wandering in my thoughts, lord Yasumasa now peeks at my direction that I soon noticed as my gaze lands on him as well. Though he has this familiar expression written on his face, that usual irritation that I am somehow used to, somehow today, something feels a bit different.

Still feeling guilty and uncomfortable even though I shouldn’t be really... I make an attempt to start a random conversation with him, but before I even have the chance to open my mouth he strides his way towards me, passing by me without a word or any at all-- just like how lord Toramatsu did to him.

Silently, I follow him with my eyes until he turns in a corner at the corridor and disappears too. I let out a somewhat long sigh.

“I shouldn’t be feeling down like this but..ugh..  I need to get back to work..”

***

Lunch time.

Almost everyone is in the main hall, having their own lively chats while waiting for their trays to be served in front of them. I and the kitchen ladies just finished preparing their meals. With a towering stack of trays on both my hands, I carefully serve everyone’s meal. I come to where lord Tadakatsu and lord Yasumasa sits. I kneel before them to serve their trays to them. Lord Tadakatsu greets me with his usual smile and his eyes, beaming as ever. Well, as for lord Yasumasa… sighs, he has this somewhat unreadable expression on his face, his very self emitting such negativity in the air..  And I feel as if it is directed towards me. 

Sighs. Ohh... What is wrong again??

Feeling choked by it, I look at the other side. Sitting next to him is lord Tadakatsu who is emanating such nice warmth and vibrancy around him, merrily talking to the other retainers near them. He’s the very opposite of lord Yasumasa who is currently like at any moment will kill someone with that glare of his too.

“I am sure today’s lunch is good knowing just by the look of it. You are a very good cook Yahiko, you know? How you plan, prepare and pair the dishes--always complementing each other..” says lord Tadakatsu at me as he looks about the food on his tray.

“Really..? The taste the same as ever for me. Nothing special.” belittles lord Yasumasa in a tepid response, he’s chopsticks already in his hands, hardly picking some vegetables from his plate.

Sighs…

While serving the others, I observe him from afar as he silently eats. I can’t figure out why or what in seven hells is he irritated about. I really can’t read nor understand sometimes how his mind works. Despite the quietness, I get the feeling that he is angry at me.

Everyone starts eating as soon as all have their trays. 

Still, my job isn’t yet finished for I am to serve tea to everyone as they eat. I smile while watching everyone’s faces who seem like they are enjoying their meals heartily. Even lord Ieyasu who is sometimes picky is silently eating his meal without a frown on his face. I can see that the food on his bowl is already half, his umeboshi already gone. That just means that he is satisfied right? Well, I just hope so.

I am done filling everyone’s cup with hot tea. 

I go now outside of the main hall to make more extra tea and so that I can start to prepare my desserts for them too.

After some time, I come back with their tea and desserts, everyone is almost finished with their meals and some already have continued their own lively conversations from before. I served tea and his strawberry daifuku first, to lord Ieyasu before everyone else of course, then soon I serve the others as well.

“I can see that only lord Ieyasu is having his favorite strawberry daifuku. You are really adjusting quite well here, and aware too, of our lord’s likes and maybe dislikes too.” lord Tadagatsu tells me nicely, as I pour him hot tea on his cup beside his uiro-mochi dessert.

“He is. Really.” adds lord Toramatsu sitting just beside him, smiling at me as he starts to fork his serving of the sweet dessert on his plate. “And...even with lord Yasumasa.” lord Toramatsu says this with a small sigh. “I am honestly amazed with you, Yahiko. To be able to put up with lord Yasumasa’s attitude, especially everyday... is just like a pure hard work for me. But you? I am really amazed. I admire your fortitude and endurance.” 

“Haha.ha.. (yeah, a real hard work...you are so right lord Toramatsu.. But, oh well..lord Tadakatsu is right too, he’s not that bad if his not in his one of his moods...well, he just can be hard to read, deal or be with sometimes. But he can be briefly good too...once in a blue moon tho). 

“Then I am glad to know from both of you that I am doing a good work. Milords” I say in return.

I go now to lord Yasumasa and lord Tadakatsu’s side. As I come nearer, I can see that Lord Tadakatsu seems to be waiting for his share of dessert. I kneel beside them, fill their cups with hot tea and serve their desserts too. 

“Thank you, Yahiko. So today’s different. Uiro-mochi right?” asks lord Tadakatsu as I put in front of him his dessert. “Is this like Yokan?” he asks again, as he brings his plate to his face, curiously examining at the new slice of sweet sitting on his small plate.

“Um..well, a bit kind of. But, to be specific, it is a steamed cake made from rice flour and sugar. It is chewy, the texture more like of a mochi than a yokan. But just like yokan, you can add different flavors to it like matcha, azuki beans or chestnut.��� I say.

“Ohh. Wow.” happily says lord Tadakatsu in amazement, “As expected from you Yahiko, you are the best when it comes to desserts too. So mine is..?” 

“Sakura-flavored.” I say, smiling. I sure do feel delighted whenever someone compliments my desserts..

“Hmph.. What’s so amazing about it?” cuts lord Yasumasa instantly to our conversation. “This is just rice flour and sugar then. Nothing of note-worthy.” says lord Yasumasa bitterly, his small wooden knife-like dessert fork relentlessly poking the side of his green-colored uiro-mochi.

And here I am, I especially made his dessert in matcha-flavored as a peace-offering. Thinking that at least he would notice it and be pleased with it, knowing he likes green tea so much. Sigh. 

“You know, I honestly do like it when you talk in that way lord Yasumasa. It’s like music to my ears.” 

Lord Tadakatsu says and continues, “But.. I think you should be a little bit nice to Yahiko, after all he is very good to you. To be honest you won’t be able to find anyone like him to serve you this long, to be able to put up with you and your nice spiteful little remarks.” says lord Tadakatsu, his face glows with a hint of pleasure as he says the last three words but then his face falls, brows in a concern frown as he talks and glances at me. “Look at Yahiko... ” 

Lord Yasumasa glancing at my way, with a ‘so what?’ kind of expression, says in a snobbish manner, “And so..? It’s not like I am wrong or anything. I’m just stating the truth.”

Feeling a bit hurt about his words--though I should be so accustomed to it by now-- I just sigh again.

“...still, I hope you enjoy it... It’s in matcha-flavor.” I mutter as I leave them be, feeling somewhat disappointed and down for not getting a compliment or at least a small positive response from him. 

***

Meanwhile..

The main hall is still full of people, busy chatting and having a good time as they eat their desserts and drink their tea.

Lord Yasumasa, sitting in crossed-legs,  propping up his cheek while the other hand playing with his small wooden dessert knife. His eyes quietly follows the young boy who downheartedly leaves the main hall. Once Yahiko is gone, he stares back at his slice of green steamed cake and silently, he eats it.

***

Late in the afternoon.

I am outside the castle, in town. 

Inside an old bookshop, I wander in every shelf looking for some particular books about medicine and such as I wait for the store clerk. 

Lord Tadagatsu asked me to go and buy what was written on the list. It is for lord Ieyasu who apparently has ran out of books to read. Lord Tadagatsu personally wanted to do it but he’s busy with some other castle affairs leaving him no choice. So, here I am in his place.

“I have looked inside if we still have some stocks of it, and fortunately we do have. So here.” says the bookstore clerk, handing me the pile of books bound together with a thin sash of cloth.

“Whew. Thank you so much.” I say, reaching for the pile of books.

“Is this all on your list?” as he checks again the list I gave to him. “If so, then it means we are done finally.” 

“Yes and thank you again. Lord Ieyasu will be really glad for having to get these books. He likes to read a lot, all the time.” I say as I hand the payment to him.

I finally leave the bookshop with a pile of books being carried and hugged by my arms.

Outside, a vast shade of warm crimson hue greets me, it’s color starts dappling the sky that was once blue earlier. Enough to tell me how long I have been outside.

“So it’s this late now?” I murmur. “I was so consumed in finding lord Ieyasu’s books that I didn’t notice the time. I have to hurry now.” I say to myself. But soon as I hurry my pace, my eyes catch a glimpse of that familiar caramel brown hair entering a shop that sells ink and paper.

“Hm? Lord Yasumasa?” curious, I walk towards the small shop and stop just by the entrance of it. “Should I go in? Or wait for him here? Hmm… Agh! Anyway! Why am I even here?” I tell myself, shaking my head when suddenly someone comes out of the entrance of the store making me startle…

“Ahh..!” I say out loud in an almost high-pitched sound similar to a woman’s cry.

“Seven hells! What the…!!? Yahiko?!” yells back by an exasperated voice. It is lord Yasumasa standing in front of me, who by the looks of it is surprised too. 

“Why are you here? And what the hell are you even shouting for?!” he asks fully annoyed by the sight of me.

“Ohh..I’m sorry, milord. I just saw you entered the shop and followed you here. By the way, why are you here milord? Did you perhaps, ran out of ink again?” I ask.

“What else? Why would I even bother to go here if that wasn’t the case. And I should be the one asking here. What ARE you doing here? Following me?”

“Um.. (ughh..) Nothing milord. It just happened. You should have told me earlier that you have ran out of ink again. So that I would have gotten it for you.” I say.

“I can’t believe I am being told something like that right now. Has our positions been switched? I clearly remember that part of YOUR job is to prepare these things for me beforehand, am I wrong?  Have you not been using your mind well again or it’s just that you really lack some common sense, eh? And even though I WANTED to make YOU buy it, I couldn’t even damn find you anywhere..!” 

Arms crossed in a displeasure fashion, I can see as clear as day, the reproach look that lord Yasumasa is giving to me right now.  

“I’m sorry, milord. This won’t happen again.” I say and bow apologetically.

As he looks down on me, his gaze shifts at the books resting on my arms. “I can’t believe that you have the time for some idle book shopping when you still have some workload left waiting there in my chambers for you to finish..tsk.” he says, irritated a bit.

“Oh these..!? These are not mine. I was just asked to buy these by lord Tadagatsu. These are lord Ieyasu’s new books.” I show to him the thick and slim binded books-- books varying from medicines, rare herbal plants and some about battle stratagems.

“Ahh.!” he scoffs. “What am I thinking. Haha. It’s not like you can read or understand those difficult books. Anyhow, as expected of lord Ieyasu…” His expression and voice, drastically changes into a full smile as he admires the sight of lord Ieyasu’s books.

Sigh. He doesn’t have to say it like that. Even my position is just a cook and an errand runner, I can read and understand well enough. Hmph..! What do I expect? This man just loves spitting venomous words and looking down on people. His very odd hobby... Hmph.

“So have you bought something, milord?” I inquisitively asks, changing the topic.  

“Nothing. Tsk. I can’t find it even here. Now that you are here, you should be at least useful. Where did you buy those ink sticks/stones? Those sculpted ones that I used last time. ”

“Ohh! Is that what you are looking for!?” I answer him in a bright tone knowing that he must have liked it if he’s looking for it. 

“Yeah, yeah. No need to get excited.. Right, those sculpted ones. It has a nice pure dark shade that I like. And it is smooth to use on my brush.”

“Then we have to hurry before it closes.” I say excitedly, unconsciously dragging him by his left arm.

“Wa-waiit..! Yo-you stupid fool! What are you doing?!!” he yells, annoyed by my action.

I realize that I am holding his left arm that he soon abruptly flails it as he removes it from my sudden grasp. 

“Hey! I’m your lord. You shouldn’t carelessly touching me like that..!” His arm now released from my clutch, he touches his wrist then his whole arm, massaging it lightly as if my hold was so firm that it hurt him.

“I’m ss-so sorry!” I slightly blushed, feeling flustered as it dawns on me what I just did. 

Oh heavens! MC what are you thinkinnnng!!? 

How careless of you to just touch lord Yasumasa’s arm..!

“Oh, please.. Stop that. You’re weirding me out now.” says lord Yasumasa in a commanding, irritated tone giving me a look, like, what the hell is wrong with you or something similar to that.

We are still near at the storefront. He is standing just a few feet away from me, annoyed and glaring at me. I, on the other hand, for some reason I can’t help but lower my head feeling embarrassed at my actions. 

“I-, uh.. I’ll lead the way to where I bought it, milord..” I say.

“Sigh. Sometimes, I can’t help but feel weirded out around you. Don’t you know that? And would you man up a bit?! You always act so girly it sometimes irritates me and freaks me out..!” he huffs as he follows behind me.

Ugh.. MC…stay acting like this and you’ll soon find yourself in trouble. Deep trouble. Seriously.

I just walk and lead the way.

***

After sometime, we come out from the shop where I usually buy his sculpted ink stones that seems to become his favorites now. Fortunately, we arrived before it closes. So here we are about to return to the castle.

Curious why he always ran out of it, both paper and ink, I ask lord Yasumasa as we walk side by side.

“Um..lord Yasumasa, I--”

“What??” cut in lord Yasumasa, glaring a little at me like I bothered him already.

Ugghh..Why the hell that I can’t even start a normal conversation with him.. Every time..! 

I sigh. Trying to just let it pass.

“I am just a bit curious milord, why do you always ran out of these?” I glance at him and then point with my eyes at the wrapped ink sticks in my arms that we just bought. 

 “Are you always busy doing letters and such, everyday?”

Still carrying both the books and the newly bought ink sticks wrapped in cloth in my arms, I ask turning my gaze at his direction again. 

I remember lord Tadakatsu as I wait for lord Yasumasa’s response. He admitted before that he is not that good when it comes to paperworks..and because of that, usually it is lord Yasumasa who is asked to redo all his poorly documents. 

Lord Yasumasa just walks. He is silent, his eyes hinting me that he is in a ponder, maybe thinking if he should even bother saying it to me or not. With his brows knitting as he usually does, he replies in a somewhat calm tone that is rare actually of him, but, still the words he spits are with venom as ever. 

“Aside from being weird, stupid, and talkative, you sure like to stick your nose into other people’s affairs too. Hm.” he scoffs, as he walks ahead of me, not even taking a glance if I’m still behind him.

I hurry my pace to catch up with him, “Well, it’s just that whenever I go to your room milord, I always find a heap of crumpled papers sitting next to your desk. So I am just wondering..I’m sorry milord if it seems like I am prying too much. I didn’t mean to be--”

“Shodo.” he says with a hint of a firm and proud tone. 

“Hm..?” 

He says it so sudden that I almost didn’t catch his words.

“You don’t know? Shodo? The way of beautiful writing? Hmf.” he huffs with a visible smirk forming on his face. Wait. Why it sounds like he is somewhat...mocking me now…!? 

He continues as we walk side by side. “*Sigh. Oh well, what do I expect from someone dumb and low like you. I’ll be bit kind enough to enlighten your uneducated brain at least.” 

Wow. This man, whenever he talks..Really, he sure always wants to get on somebody’s nerves, isn’t he??

“I’ll cut it short, so be thankful, for I am actually helping you widen your knowledge, giving my time to someone as unimportant being, like you.” 

Then he continues, ”Shodo is more than a form of  artistic writing..”

Hells. I know what that is. I am not that stupid really, Lord Yasumasa. I think of this as I let out countless invisible sighs within me while he goes on, talking all by himself as we walk.

Despite of the fact that he’s somewhat getting reaaally into my nerves, the way he tells it to me like I have no clue or whatsoever about the world... I- I just let it go and quietly listen to lord Yasumasa who seems to be enjoying his moment. 

“Behind every fluid stroke, lies the feelings that the writer poured into it. Behind every character written tells you a story about the meanings of life or a particular moment, happening in life. As a samurai like me, it is natural for me this. Just like how every lord must have knowledge in tea ceremony and such..” 

“So that means you are practicing milord?” I unconsciously cut him bluntly. That would only explain the piles of papers crumpled and scattered everywhere in his room.

“!!” 

Lord Yasumasa briefly stop from talking..

For some reason I feel like the air around us has changed into an ominous one..like I stepped myself into a minefield or something.

“No! I am not..!” exclaimed lord Yasumasa so sudden with his arms crossed now, he continues, “Why should I? I am good already and skilled enough. So why should I bother myself practicing.!?” 

Clearly, I can see the fluster and the faint blush making its way on his face despite the anger and irritation rising in his voice.

“For a mere servant like you, how brazen of you to cut me in while talking, and say something absurd like that. You..! I can’t believe this. You just mocked me, right!!?”

Ah-- Wait.!!? A what.!!?? 

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT..! When did I mock this man!!??

This man, ugh.. His mind is surely twisted..!

“You should be shaking on your knees, careful at every word you say, and yet here you are showing no respect with that stupid face..!”

Oh hells..

As this thought occurs to me, I realized that it does feel strange. After hearing his words. I remember that before, I would really feel scared to the point like my whole body would tensed up, nervous of not knowing what should I do. But now, I don’t feel scared. Instead, I am just annoyed. And, what is weirder is that, it feels like I am somehow a bit.. tiny bit of enjoying it..??

My thoughts are cut again, as lord Yasumasa throws words at me.

“..I must have been going easy on you lately..” continues lord Yasumasa reprimanding me, oblivious of what I was just thinking a moment ago about him. “..because you always somehow find the guts to throw questions, ask and say things randomly at my face without fear. I should teach yo--”

Feeling weird right now at my own self, I caught a glimpse of a manju stall just near us ahead and cut him too, to divert him or perhaps more of divert myself from thinking too much about it. 

“Lord Yasumasa, look..!They sell manju! Seems delicious too.!” I hurriedly walk towards the stall leaving him behind.

“What the..!? You disrespectful, and rude, mere little thing..! Come back here..!” 

Pretending not to hear the voice that keeps on shouting behind me, I continue striding towards the stall following the delicious smell of newly made manju.

***

We are sitting now in a small tea shop drinking hot green tea while eating the freshly made manju from the stall. After buying manju for myself and for him-- using my money by the way-- lord Yasumasa’s mood starts to get better, letting whatever happened that made him angry earlier (though I really have no idea why he’s so worked up with me or with every little thing, ever since in the morning) slide. He accepted my what-seems-like-a-bribe-to-him apology gift.

Though, of course, he doesn’t admitted it.

I invited him or rather beg him to have tea and eat the manju here in this shop. So that we can enjoy it while it is still warm. And rest a bit too from all that walking.

“So now, you...are bribing me with food? Hah. How cheap.” he exclaims, “if you think you’ll get away from it and that I’ll just forget about everything, then you are so wrong.” yet lord Yasumasa grabs the warm pieces of manju wrapped in a cloth. His smile is evident as he gets a bite. The warm, delicious and sweet smell lingering around us.

We are sitting in a small table with cups of hot tea still steaming in front of us. We sit opposite to each other. Despite his complains about it, he seems to be enjoying the manju so much that I can’t hear him talking or complaining anymore. 

Silence takes over us before I even come to notice it. 

It somehow feels new to me, sitting here with a cup of tea and taking a sweet, peaceful rest. I can’t fully remember when was the last time I did something like this. To be able to drink tea like this peacefully. I stare at my cup, the faint glow of sunset glimmering in my tea. Faint memories starts to flow in my head, reminiscing my times with mother and Yahiko, where we would have tea in the afternoons whenever there were no customers in our shop.

I kind of miss them. I miss my days, cooking in our restaurant and the laughter of our dear customers echoing in the air as I serve them their meals, and their random chatterings.

“Well, well, well... I didn’t know that you can hold that mouth of yours and stay quiet for that long.” interrupted by a voice. I look up from my teacup to see lord Yasumasa with his smug face talking to me. Our manju almost gone because of him.

… And I didn’t know that you love manju that much.. Wow. This is new. You eat so much.

Looking at the plate in front of me, I can’t believe that the once towering manju... is now almost gone. All eaten by no other than lord Yasumasa himself. I am stunned for abit. Because he doesn’t seem the type to have a sweet tooth.

Discovering something new about him, about something like this, I can’t help but find it adorable. I mean, come on... lord Yasumasa?? Likes manju? That is his favorite? This very overconfident and selfish man? And not just that, he eats so much of it that somehow it does not seem to fit for his bad boy image.

As I giggle in my mind, lord Yasumasa casually lick the sweet bean filling on his lips and on his fingertips in front of me. Not minding me one bit. 

I unconsciously find myself swallow a bit. There’s something a little sensual about it that sends me flushing a little.

Hells...!  What are you even thinking MC.!!?? When did your mind get so dirty, huhh.!?? Don’t tell me that, deep inside...that you are a pervert.!!?

 “Aren’t you going to eat?” aks lord Yasumasa, interrupting my foolish thoughts, as he takes a sip of his hot tea. 

“Ohh! I- I..Uh..I mean...thank you milord.” I say, feeling shy as I take a piece for myself.

“You know what, I changed my mind. Don’t eat anymore. The sun is almost down. We better return to the castle now.” 

“Whhhaa--t?” I blurted out.

“I don’t know what useless thoughts you were having earlier, but we have to go now. It is your fault for spacing out too much.. You should have eaten it earlier.” he continues to say as he stands up from his sit, ready to leave.

But I still haven’t enjoyed my tea yet, let alone take a bite of my manju..!

As I hurry to put some of the manju left on the plate back on its cloth wrapper, lord Yasumasa is already walking, leaving me behind, again.

I drink half of my tea in a rushed manner, almost burning my tongue. I grab our belongings and hurry to catch up with him-- who is by now striding out of the tea shop. 

When I finally catch up with him, he suddenly make a stop, sending me to bump into his sturdy back. I hear him sigh in an annoyed manner. I look over his shoulder and see a drunk man shouting angrily towards someone that I can’t see. When the man raises his right hand and is about to slap someone, lord Yasumasa suddenly calls to the man just in front of us, in an annoyed loud voice. 

“Hey.! You.! Yes. YOU.”

 He says as he crosses his arms. I step out to look around to see a scared boy with a little girl clinging to him, crying-- on the floor is a mess of large bottle of sake, spilled all over the place and a bag of some fallen manju too, bought from the same stall that we went too, earlier. 

“What!!?” said the angry, drunk man turning to lord Yasumasa. 

“You are blocking the way. So move your damn ass, would you!?”  says lord Yasumasa authoritatively, I can imagine his brows knitting into an arc just based on the tone of his.

“What did you just said!? Huh!!? Boy!” 

The man leaves his spot, walking sluggishly towards lord Yasumasa. Lord Yasumasa, on the other hand, is standing in front of me, not flinching at all.

“Are you deft?? Or just plain stupid? I said, MOVE YOUR DAMN ASS, OLD MAN.”

 In the midst of all that, I do not worry at all for lord Yasumasa. Instead, I hurry towards the children who are still there unmoving and frightened.  

“Hey, are you two okay?” I say while picking both of them, helping them to stand up again. 

I try to calm the little girl who is still clinging hard to what seems like her older brother-- who looks like he too, is about to cry as well. I ask some women around about what happened. I find out that they, while the children are merrily running to go home, they accidentally bumped the drunk man. The children even with the help of some, already apologized but the man just can’t let it go.

The place is starting to be surrounded by a lot of curious folks.

“Gotta have to teach you hard lad, a lesson, ay? So that you lad next time would know how to give some respect to your elders..!” 

“Oh..Will you, now?” whispers lord Yasumasa with a smirk.

The overconfident man, lunges an attack with a katana to lord Yasumasa who contrarily is standing still in his place, unwavering and unafraid.

Odd. Because how lord Yasumasa is very sure of himself, I too, am very confident about him. That he will not get hurt even though the man looks like he has some experience too like lord Yasumasa. Instead, I think of the stupid man who is oblivious of his fate.

“Oh my.. you’re a sure dead meat today.” I utter with a tired sigh. 

And there, in an instant, lord Yasumasa swiftly grabs the arm of the man and without too much effort, throws him back to the ground-- there with his spilled sake.

The crowd cheer for lord Yasumasa. I too, unknowingly, is already raising my hands, both into a fist and cheering him loudly. “Yeaahhhh~!” 

Lord Yasumasa, with a confident and a satisfied look on his face strides his way out of the scene, leaving the man wailing in pain. He goes straight to where I am.

“Come now, let’s go.” he says without even stopping from his steps.

“Wait.” I reply.

Lord Yasumasa stops from his tracks, turning his head to me.

 “I, um.. you should go first milord, I would accompany these little children first until they get home safely. Don’t worry, I would return right away after I make sure they are home.” 

“Whaat.!!?” he says aloud, a bit surprised.

The little boy who is holding back his tears, suddenly speaks to me, tears starting to spill from his eyes.

“Onii-chan, *sniffs, mghmm.. what should we do about those..? Mghhhmm..*sniffs.” says the boy as he points out at the fallen manju that was once warm but now, cold, wasted and full of dirt.

The little girl cries too, clinging more harder than before to her brother. They are both sobbing quietly. My heart tightens at the sight of them. So, as am I about to ask lord Yasumasa to just let me take care first the children, he continues to stride again towards us.

With his arms crossed, he talks to the little boy, saying “Hey, stop crying.” says lord Yasumasa in an imperative tone, particularly to the boy. “Strong men and boys don’t cry over such petty things.”

“*sniffs, but… we have been saving our money for those.. mgghmm.” says the boy weakly.

“No buts.! Don’t be a crybaby.!” scolds lord Yasumasa. “You’re the brother right? The older one, am I right?”

“*sniffs, yes sir.”

“So what you should do, or rather, be doing right now?? Huh..? Answer.”

Meanwhile, I am kneeling just beside the children as I try to calm down both of them . Seeing that the two child is getting more scared and that lord Yasumasa isn’t helping at all, making the situation a bit much worse, I stepped in.

“Milord, I think you aren't helping at all. You are just making them more uncomfortable and scared.” I say calmly as I stroke gently both of the children’s backs.

But it seems lord Yasumasa isn’t listening to me at all. He continues to scold the little boy.

“So.?”

“*sniffs, I- I- …” 

 The boy says quietly as he sobs, he looks confused and don’t know what to say. To be honest, I am a bit starting to get worried for the children at how lord Yasumasa doesn’t seem to care at the children’s feelings as he continues to reprimand them. So, I butt in again.

“Lord Yasumasa would you just please..!--”

“Instead.!” he says towering my voice as if to block me from talking. “Instead of crying right now, man up.! Be stronger.! You are the boy here, the older one, and most of all, her brother. The one who should do the protecting. That is your duty. Instead of bawling like a girl, right now, what you should do is to be stronger. Get stronger. Be the brother strong enough for her.!” points lord Yasumasa to the little girl who is now clinging at me, clearly terrified of him.

I am stunned for a moment.

Stunned from what I am hearing. Stunned from what I am seeing.

Am I hearing this right? Am I imagining things?? Is this reaallly coming from this guy..!?

The man who is usually inconsiderate, spitting ill and foul things towards others is now in front of me, blurting out words... words I never, not even once, have I ever imagined I would even get to hear from him..

***

[peppusae]

[kth] sorry, honey

sorry, honey; kim taehyung x oc [+ a surprise!]

genre; angst, slice of life, angst, and character development (?)

word count; 31009 words

note; hello it’s een again with another angst yay!! this is written in first person’s pov because i wanted to take a break from writing second pov??? this follows bts’s timeline so it’s a canon au and there’s a surprise waiting ahead ehehehe. t

please keep in mind tho that even though it’s classfied as a taehyung x oc, taehyung only appears for about 10-15% of the fic, because the rest of the fic is pure and sole angst eheheeeeee. i posted this originally on december 22nd last year as a birthday present to myself because i love angst and today marks the day i finally completed it, so... enjoy another one of een’s angsts! >ww<

💫

❝sorry, honey,

mommy’s always been a sinner.❞

trigger warning !! :  this book contains controversial issues, mild inhumane behaviour, profanity, dark themes, and just a lot of angst. i don't recommend you to read this tbh...

sorry, honey

arc 01

1

He found out first; not in so many words, but he did.

He hasn't known me for long, but he loves me enough to know when the tears in my eyes are not just a byproduct of stress.

The clinic lights go off, there's the ringing of the final bells of the day, the honking of the vehicles, and the sounds of little kids talking a little too loudly.

It makes me shudder.

He's dressed in a pale grey checkered shirt, roughly three sizes too large for him, and sweatpants so loose that his skinny frame is far from being apparent even the slightest bit. He's just walking on the road by himself, a jam-packed road filled with people rushing around at 10pm, and he's so stupid, an idiot, for sure.

I sure do love idiots.

He doesn't question it; he's too busy beaming, long fingers wrapped around my wrist as he calls my name again. It echoes in my head while I watch the glittering shine in his dark irises, free from contact lenses.

And his hand is so warm wrapped around mine, his smile even more welcoming, and I'm crying, tears streaming down my cheek and it's the day I find out that tears of hurt feels just as cold as the reason of that hurt feels like.

He was always a blessing for me, but today, Kim Taehyung's smile is not just a curse; but a calamity.

>

Taehyung is warm, gentle, full of childish curiosity. He's filled with the soothing feeling like hot cocoa feels on a cold day, the way shorts provide comfort on a blazing summer afternoon. He's bubbly and merry, and this was one day where I wished he wasn't.

He doesn't question it.

He talks about his day between milkshake-stained lips and cheeks puffed up with marshmallows, and he only pauses when he realises that the sandwich he'd ordered for me remain untouched even after he's done with his two servings of extra fries.

"What's wrong?"

There was a point where he'd ask me that, I knew, and I had been waiting.

"I want to go home."

Taehyung blinks. Once. Thrice. Ten times, before he nods, hair fluffing up and down as he does so. He offers to take my untouched food to the counter to get packed for take-out, and he's linking his arm with mine as he announces that he'll walk me home.

There are fewer people on the street now, more people seated outside the convenience stores, eating ramyeon... And Taehyung's presence today out of all other days make more tears form.

He doesn't question it.

The apartment is in a good neighbourhood. The building is filled with students who enjoy staying up till ungodly hours, simply to read. To read research papers, scientific journals, and essays by philosophers.

A studious neighbourhood.

It's eerily quiet. The sound of crickets chirping make my stomach feel like it might hurl any second, and Taehyung still has a smile on. He's seen my tears but gives a blind eye because he knows me enough to knows I'd hate being queried at a time like this.

And it's endearing, the way he waits to follow me inside when I reach for my keys... But his smile fades when I put the keys back into my pocket, and then look up at him.

And then.

He finally questions it.

When he hears me say words I wasn't even halfway sure I meant, in the first place.

"Taehyung-ah, we need to break up."

His face remains unfazed for moments that feel like they're ticking in slow motion; or maybe he really did take his time with a response, because a crooked smile forms as he laughs nervously.

"Haha... You need to stop joking; there's a limit to pranking."

And that feels like a pain that gets deeper and deeper, like how it feels when you accidentally stub your toe on a foot of a large desk.

There was the chance to deny and go with his words, but it is entirely because I loved him with every fibre of my being, that I force myself to shake my head.

"I'm not joking." It comes out as a whisper, voice barely audible but he hears. He hears, because...

I'm his world, after all.

"Why?"

"I'm sorry, Taehyung-ah."

And it felt like my heart was glass that wasn't a victim of being broken into a billion pieces; but glass that keeps on getting tiny crack after crack, the pain continuing constantly, always leaving me with something to feel melancholy over.

And there's the way his eyes darken, clouding a little when it begins to shine; not because he's seen something so beautiful, but because there's tears threatening to fall which he tried to hold because he's a man, and Taehyung's a man who had ego, after all.

"Why?" He questions again.

"Don't make this harder." My voice comes out hoarse, stuttering even though there's such a small exchange of words, and yet I feel like choking, crying at the corner while he wraps himself around me.

He.

Continues.

To.

Question.

It.

And then, he says my name. His voice comes out as a whisper, a low baritone filled with a force large enough to constrict my heart and make fresher tears stream down my face.

"Ahn Chaeyeon-ah, I can't leave you if you don't give me a valid reason, and you know that."

And it's painful, the way his lips move to say my name, pausing at every syllable, and I have to avert my gaze and take in a lungful of air to control the sobs that are threatening to choke out.

"Goodbye, Taehyung-ah, I'm so sorry."

He's always been respectful, never forcing himself on me, letting everything fall to place on its own, naturally. And yet, today, there's a foot that blocks my feeble attempt in closing the door, hands pressing onto the doorpost while his panic turns into a glare.

"No."

"Taehyung-ah, Taehyung-ah, stop it..."

"There has to be a reason, you wouldn't leave just like that... I know you..."

I've never been good at lying, anyways.

"Don't touch me." I say, no longer pressing against the door. Making my way inside and going into my room, I realise then, that Taehyung feels stupid for having waited until I lock myself in my room.

"Chaeyeon-ah... Open this door."

"I'm so sorry, Taehyungie."

I love you, I want to say. But the way his nickname slips out so effortlessly makes me tear up again, and there's a lot of knocking and text messages and calls which I force myself to ignore.

He questions it.

He doesn't want to give up.

But he's left with no choice, because two hours with no reply makes his figure slump out from my apartment, hand rubbing on his face and pulling out a face mask he never bothered with until then.

And it pains me to see him walk away, his feet dragging across the pavement, and that's when I start to question myself.

It is because I love Taehyung, that I have to do this.

2

Kang Chaerin sits, tapping her desk, and there's visible annoyance in her dark eyes, ones that go wide as soon as I step foot inside the office headquarters.

"Chaeyeon-ah! Why did you turn your phone off last night, I was so worried ab- Oh." She pauses, eyes widening when I place my files inside my cubicle and turn to glance at her.

"Hi, Rin-ah," I greet, and my best friend follows me to the coffeemaker, her eyes glued to my face while I take a packet of creamer from the small desk drawer.

The coffee feels as bitter as my heart feels, and it makes me smile a little, knowing I wasn't the worst case out there. Rin continues blinking and follows me when I put my coffee on the cup holder and place it on my desk.

"Did you talk to Taetae yet?" She asks, her voice a little small all of a sudden.

It's horrible. It's horrible, the way my heart swells when I hear his name, and I wonder how I would get past the rest of my life, if I get so affected by something as simple as his name.

"We broke up," I say tentatively, taking another sip of my coffee and glancing at the to-do list. I internally thank Mr. Han for the light schedule today, ignoring the low gasp that escapes from between her lips. It takes every ounce of energy that I have to look back at her eyes, and I can see panic bubbling in her eyes...

She was just like Taehyung. It hurts.

"But... Chae-ah, you told me... At the clinic... Then why? Did he dump you? That jerk, I'll kill him-"

"No!" My voice is defensive, high pitched, and loud enough for the employees present to turn their heads towards us. Embarrassment makes me duck my head while I pretend to sip my coffee, but Rin does not hear the end of my argument.

"Then why? Why did you break up? Don't tell me you guys are taking a break until you-"

"Kang Chaerin-ah, I broke up with Taehyung because I will never, ever ruin his career this way."

There's silence that follows, and Rin continues to blink in utter shock at my face, and I see that there's a little barrette on the left side of her short hair, one that matched her white blouse and brown pencil skirt; courtesy of the Han Corporation's dress code. She stays silent for so long that I feel as if her words are over for the day, and I proceed to pile the files according to priority when she mumbles my name.

"But, what about...Chaeyeon-ah, you can't just keep him in the dark about this. He has the right to know, if anything. It's up to him whether he wants to go on with the relationship, and I know he loves you enough to-"

"And that's exactly why I can't do this, Rin-ah. Please understand me. I know he won't leave me. But these are two lives - one if I can get rid of it in my next appointment - and I'm not going to ruin his life along with the rest of Bangtan's, and crush all of their fans' respect, like this."

Rin's face softens, and it's painful to see the way more tears form in her eyes while she nods and takes a step back.

"We're going to talk more about this later, Chae-ah. This is serious."

Mr. Han steps into the office right when Rin settles down at her desk, and I greet my boss with a smile which I was sure he could tell was forced and very much fake. If he noticed, he doesn't say anything, instead simply nodding and walking past my best friend who doesn't lift her head up.

I know it's serious, Rin, and that's exactly why I can't do this...

>

I've never been good at confrontations.

Park Jimin knew this about me well enough and yet he stands, blond hair covered with a big beanie and sunglasses that cover a huge fraction of his face. But I can tell it's him, it's his frame, his lips, and the way his lips turn upwards a little as a greeting.

And just as fast as the smile appears on his face, it's gone.

"Chaeyeon-ah, what happened with Taetae?" He asks, almost blank with no emotion.

I feel my stomach churning a little. I wasn't sure if the myths I had heard while growing up was true, but all I felt like at that moment was throwing up all the contents of my lunch; a lone turkey sandwich.

I felt pathetic ordering it, my head flooding with the thought of the male my heart pines for, and yet I ate it...and now, the same thing was threatening to ruin me, and I felt like crying when I see the visible confusion on Jimin's face.

"Taehyung did nothing wrong, Jimin-ah... It's my fault, we broke up," I try to explain. Jimin simply stares at me, there's a knowing look on his face while he glances at the buttons of the unbuttoned coat I have on. It was freezing outside, and I knew well enough that I looked suspicious for that but I felt like I was burning.

Was this another of those symptoms? I wonder, and Jimin takes his glasses off, points to a coffee shop a couple blocks away.

"Let's get something to eat and talk."

"No."

Jimin looks from the shop, back at my face, and there's even more confusion on his face now, eyebrows furrowing slightly; just like Taehyung had done last night. I feel like crying.

"Chaeyeon-ah... What's wrong? I know you wouldn't do this if something isn't wrong, I trust you like I trust Tae-"

"If you trust me, keep on with that trust and believe me when I say it's my fault... I'm so sorry, Jimin-ah, but I really have to go home. Taehyung and I have broken up, so I don't think we need to meet anymore. I will continue to support you guys either way."

If there was one word to describe Jimin's expression, it would be hurt.

The corner of his eyes begins to well up with tears, and I look down at my shoes when he presses a finger to his eyes to avoid the tears from streaming down his cheeks.

"I thought we were friends, Chaeyeon-ah... What's happening to you?"

"I'm so sorry, Jiminie."

It's hard to walk away when you feel like you may throw up any second, and it takes all my willpower to say goodbye to my dear friend; possibly for the final time ever.

"Chaeyeon-ah?" Jimin's voice makes me stop after I've taken a couple steps away, and his voice is faint, barely audible, "I hope one day, I'll see you like this on the streets, and you'd tell me what bothers you."

Jimin has always been selfless, that I knew, but I didn't learn the extent of those feelings he had, until today. And so I have to walk with faster strides because I start crying in the middle of the road, mind reeling and craving Taehyung's touch which I will never, ever be able to get.

3

The clinic walls are beige.

A lonely beige.

There's chartreuse writings in cursive, small, supportive messages to brighten the day of the hundreds of people who step inside.

But while I look at the 'Today may not be your day, but it might be tomorrow!' sign near the doctor's door, I feel my legs sting a little. The hallway is filled with the scent of disinfectant, one that makes me feel as if I might throw up any second now.

There aren't people here at ungodly hours of the night. Only sinners crawl out of their places of hiding and go out, desperate, on hours like this. There's a clock in front of me that ticks noisily with every passing second and it's the only noise that echoes in the hallway, irritating nonetheless.

The door is cream in color. There's a happy-face magnet attached to the front, right underneath the room number, and the way that expression contrasts with mine is why I try my hardest to blink back tears when the said door cracks open a little.

A short nurse steps outside, her little hat clipped onto the tap of her shoulder-length chocolate hair. She calls my name, and I exhale as much air as humanly possible before getting up and stepping inside. My doctor is a woman in her late twenties, her pale orange-tinted lips curved up into a big smile when she remembers me from a couple days ago.

"Chaeyeon-ah!" She greets, taking a glance at the form in front of her. "How's your pregnancy coming along?"

If I hadn't felt the weight of what was coming to fall on me before, I felt it right then. And I am close to tears again, but my ego would never let me cry in front of someone who had given me the kind of news I never, ever wanted to receive.

There's silence when I refuse to answer, and Dr. Juhye's smile softens a little before there's a sparkle in her eyes.

"Would you like to see your baby, Chaeyeon-ah? You're close to three months, so I can arrange for-"

"Dr. Juhye-ah, I would like to ask for an abortion."

The nurse inside had been holding a file in her clutches, but it falls down, papers flying around all over the floor. Dr. Juhye' s lips part open in utter shock, and I knew well enough that I had chosen a public clinic due to my lack of funds... So a response like that was to be expected.

"I just... I can't raise a kid yet. I'm 21, my boyfriend and I... parted ways recently. I can't possibly fund for-"

"We don't carry out abortions here, Chaeyeon-ah. We value the life that is now your responsibility... Maybe you can fill out the lone-parents forms from the president's office to seek financial aid, but...Please don't bring up something cruel like that....that's no different that killing a human being."

>

The bottles of soju sit on the wooden table, the cool perspiration dripping and forming a little puddle underneath them. They're waiting to be drunk from, and there's a horrifying pain in my head, one that begs to be knocked away. My phone continues lighting up with every text message I receive, and it's laughable, how good I am at avoiding every method of contact.

The year-long contract I had with Han Corporation expired a couple days ago, and I have four bottles of soju standing tall in front of me to celebrate the fact that I was a jobless college student.

One who had the responsibility of raising a child, not able to go home, and no friends that lived anywhere nearby.

The fact that the new semester starts on the following week makes me laugh at myself, taking the cap off from a bottle and taking a long sip. The liquid burns my throat, eyes shutting while trying to ease the discomfort, and I don't know which is more painful, the fact that my head feels not a single bit number than before, or the fact that the tears streaming down my cheeks sting more.

And yet it does, and more soju finds its way inside my system, and I wasn't sure how many bottles I had finished off before my head begins to throb so much that I have to lie down.

Whether it was an unconscious act or not, I wasn't sure, but when my hands rest on my abdomen, I find myself clutching a handful of my shirt between gritted teeth.

And in between hiccups and losing my consciousness, I give my first greeting to my 'unborn baby', as Dr. Juhye refers it to.

"I hate you."

>

"Hi Mom, I miss you too." My voice sounds like a lie, even to my own self. I can see my reflection from the mirror, and my hair's a mess, brown strands sticking up in mortifying manners thanks to all the days I hadn't bothered to get out of bed. The stack of instant ramen near the bedside table looks pitiful, unable to fulfil my hunger.

"If you miss me, you better come visit in your mid-term break," She says, voice full of familiar banter. At that moment, I crave nothing more than to wrap my arms around my mom and tell her about all that bothers me. And yet, I can't be a disappointment to her, not when she raised me into a good person.

"I can't, mom. Last year of college, coursework, you know the drill." It's a little sad, how easily the lies come out like that, I hated myself for the kind of person I was becoming; Jimin was right in wondering what was happening to me, and I hated how I had nothing to blame...

Except for myself.

"Well, whether you show up here for your holidays or not, your dad and I are going to fly out to Seoul for your graduation."

Nervous laughter fills the conversation from my side, and I feel like I am on my toes, waiting to come crashing down anytime soon. And yet, my mom speaks with such excitement in her voice that it begins to get harder and harder for me to keep lying to someone I love so much.

"Yeah Mom... I have an essay to write, so I'll hang up now."

"Good night, sweetie. Always be yourself, and take care."

The line dies with her words, and I put my smartphone away, head reeling at how hard what she said hits me.

Mom, who am I anymore?

My stomach rumbling and a sudden knock on the door come in unison, making me snap back up onto a sitting position. My shoulders ache a little while I get on my feet, desperate to get rid of the deafening noise.

Upon opening the door, I am greeted by a middle-aged woman with her brown hair tied to the back in a loose ponytail. It's a face I had been dreading to see, so when I see the cane in her hands, I realize that I am doomed.

"Honestly, I've been a little worried about you because you've looked sick as fuck the past couple weeks, but there's a limit to this, Chaeyeon-ah. Get your things and leave." She hisses, and I blink at her with wide eyes. As if on cue, familiar, slow music fills the room, courtesy of shuffle on my bluetooth speaker, and I can feel tears burning the corners of my eyes when I turn to glance at my room.

And even though it hurts my ego to admit it, my apartment looked like a mess, and if I was a landlord myself, I wouldn't want to give the place out to someone like me, either.

"You haven't paid the rent in three months."

"I'll pay next month, I sw-"

My sentence breaks when the woman lifts up her cane and slams it against the doorpost with what looks like every ounce of energy she had in her body.

"You said the same thing last month, get out before I hit you next."

The sound of the cane coming in contact with the weak wood echoes in my head while I take a step back, realising that there really wasn't anything I could do anymore. The woman takes a seat on the couch while she watches me take out my suitcase, taking my clothes out from the closet and piling my belongings inside. It felt a little more hurtful than the look

Jimin had given me, and the fact that she continues looking makes me have to force myself not to cry while I lock the suitcase and turn to face her.

And it hurts my heart, the fact that a place I'd grown so fond of in the past four or so years, a place I'd made so many memories with Taehyung at, had to be left like that, and the woman doesn't even ask me to clean up the bottles of drinks and ramyeon cups I had left... As if getting me out of there as soon as she could was much better, as if she hated the very sight of me...

That was the day I learned that February nights are just as cold and lonely as wintry December evenings.

4

The first thing I see is a big smile.

It's kind of sad. It's kind of sad, when your sister stands in front of you, smiling when she sees you... And all you can do is to wrap your arm around her and start crying.

"Ch-Chaeyeon-ah? Hey... Chaeyeon-ah, what's wrong?" Panic is obvious in her voice, and she pulls me inside, and I find myself crying even harder at how warm the air in her apartment is, it felt like home.

Ahn Chaeyoung offers me a napkin and goes to prepare some coffee for me while I calm down. There are posters all over her room, the slight aroma of lavender combined with the smell of coffee beans gives me the strength to breathe properly, and watch my sister appear with two mugs in hand. Chaeyoung is careful about placing them carefully on the coffee table, and when she sees my suitcase and carry-on, she raises an eyebrow - a look that contrasts her soft features.

"Did you have to leave your apartment?"

"Yes." My voice comes a little muffled while I sip the drink, and when I look up, I see her tying up her blonde hair into a bun before she walks to the door and pulls my belongings inside.

"You can stay here. Did your contract with Han Corporation end?" She queries, blue eyes looking a little paler than I remember. She seems cautious, as if she knows that me having to leave my apartment is not reason enough for me to look so vulnerable.

"Yes."

"College starts next Monday... Is your coursework going well?"

"Nothing is wrong with college."

"Then... Taehyung?"

There wasn't anything I could hide from Chaeyoung. She may be two years older than me and currently attending graduate school and pursuing her dream of being a dietician, but... She's still the same person I played with in the sandbox, the first person I shared my secrets with, and that one person on Earth who could read me like an open book.

"I'm so sorry for being a disappointment, Chaeyoung-ah, but I can't raise a child..."

The sound of the radiator running is the only thing I hear, as I watch my sister's eyes turn even more dull, lips parting a little while she slowly sets her mug of coffee down on the table. I'm not sure if it's instinct, but she takes a cautious glance at my stomach, and I want to cry.

"Does... Where's Taehyung? Have you told him?"

"Taehyung isn't going to know. Don't tell Taehyung."

This seems to shock Chaeyoung even more than the fact that I was, in fact, pregnant in the first place. Her hand comes in contact with the coffee cup and it spills all over the table and the tiles, but she makes no motion of getting up to clean it.

"What? Why not? The baby is belongs to Taehyung as much as you-"

"But I don't want a baby that belongs to me!" I interrupt, my voice coming out higher pitched that I would have wanted it to. And even behind her black-rimmed glasses, I could see that her eyes fill up with tears when she realises what I might have done.

"So you... Broke up with Taehyung, left all your friends, stopped contacting me and mom because of this...? Chaeyeon-ah, you could have just called me..."

My sister's voice had never sounded so sad, ever, and I lose control of holding my tears in for any longer, and when she wraps her arms around me, I start to cry, and I think she did, too. I'm not too sure.

>

I am woken up by the continuous tapping on my face by my sister, and I feel my limbs ache when I sit up and glance at her.

"Chaeyeon-ah, I made you some sandwiches for breakfast, eat some okay? I'm going to the shower."

"Thank you."

"Your friend Rin kept calling you a lot. Your phone's out, by the charging socket near the couch in the living room. I didn't wake you up because I wanted to let you sleep as much as you could before classes." Her voice continues, about where I can find shampoo, towels, and how to turn on the radiator, up until she gets into the shower.

My head feels a lot better after I had rested enough and gotten away from all the alcohol in my system. Getting up on my feet, I walk out to the kitchen and take my phone. As Chaeyoung had mentioned, there were seven missed calls from my best friend, and I take a bite out of the tuna sandwich as I call her back.

"Chae-ah? I went to visit last night but your apartment is vacant now???" I am greeted with worry, and I sigh, glancing at the clock which reads ten past eight. There were two more hours before I would see Rin, and I was pretty sure she wouldn't want to wait till then to know what was going on.

"I couldn't pay the rent, so I got... kicked out."

"Oh... Chaeyeon-ah..." Her voice trails off for a bit, before she speaks again, louder this time. "I'm working at another place now and... We're looking for new employees, and I could give in a good name for you, if you want..."

"Honestly, Rin-ah, that would be such a big help... Chaeyoung is already having so much to deal what with grad school and paying the fees and the rent... It's the least I can do, if I stay here."

"I'm worried if it would affect your health, that's the only thing I'm worried about. I'm sure Chaeyoung understands..."

"Rin-ah."

"Yes?"

"I already told you. I don't care about my stupid baby, I just want it to leave me alone, it hurts, and I just... I know it's bad but that's all on my mind."

"Chaeyeon-ah.... You know how much Taehyung loves kids, right?"

And at that, my heart breaks, if not already; because I knew that well but having that said out was a reminder that I was a monster, even though I didn't want to be.

"He'll be so sad if you do something and get rid of the baby, Chaeyeon-ah, I just want you to think through-"

"He won't be sad if he doesn't know, Rin-ah. He's happy now, he's at his prime time, and Bangtan is getting more and more successful every passing day. How can I let him know about this and ruin his entire future?"

There is silence for a bit, and I wipe my face with my a sleeve before I take another bite out of my sandwich.

"...He loves you."

5

It takes me two months to start accepting what fate had for me.

Whenever I am changing, I still cringe when my gaze goes down to my abdomen. I start wearing loose clothes, coats even during warm sunny days, and when people question me, I don't respond.

I have nothing to say, this was Korea, after all...

The place where Rin and I work at is a coffee shop two blocks from Chaeyoung's apartment, and I feel a little better that I am able to contribute to paying for the rent and food.

Chaeyoung is barely home, spending most of the time at lab with her professors, always researching, and whenever she does come home, she looks defeated, too tired to do anything more than pat my head, get some coffee for herself, and sleep.

I was slowly starting to get used to Rin coming to the apartment with me after our shift, and she would make us food and keep me company while we did our homework.

Graduation was in a little over a month, and the two of us were occupied with our coursework... It was a way of me avoiding things until the last second, and it hurts a little when I have to ignore calls from my mom occasionally because I feel guilty of lying.

Two months did nothing to lessen the guilt after all...

"Chaeyeon-ah?"

The day was a warm April evening. Rin had an extra class so I was heading to work when I hear my name getting called out softly.

There were three people who I feared, would see me at my state.

My mom was one.

Taehyung was the other.

The third person stands in front of me, a bucket hat over his head, pale grey t-shirt and denim jeans enhancing his figure, and I freeze, because it's been so long...

It's been a long while, and yet, his voice is so warm, so much water has flown but he still sounds nice, and I feel my heart constrict a little while I watch Jimin pull down his face mask and show me a smile.

Don't smile at someone like me, Jimin-ah...

"Hello! It's been a while."

"Jimin-ah, why are you here?" I ask, trying to fight back tears. I hated crying in front of people, and Jimin was such an important person for me and that made being vulnerable in front of him feel even worse.

I have to turn around and start walking. Jimin doesn't repeat what he did the last time.

Instead, this time, he walks up beside me, face mask back on as he does.

"I waited for a while to give you time... I want to talk to you, Chaeyeon-ah. I'm worried about you and Tae-"

"Jiminie, why do you keep making this harder for me?" I ask, steps getting faster and my stomach throbs like crazy while Jimin increases his pace as well, to match mine.

"Because you're my friend, Chaeyeon-ah. Before anything else, you're my good friend... I've been busy so I couldn't drop by a little earlier, but I want you to tell me what's wrong."

It's one of the worst things in the world when someone you really care about is the reason why you have to cry, the reason why you have to hide your face from them, and cry a little more. And Jimin was stubborn like that, following me into the coffee shop and even taking a seat at one of the tables when I go behind the counter and try to ignore him.

And when I am forced to carry the drink he had ordered, for him, it baffles me that Jimin gives me a smile. How can someone be so sincere, to someone who was trying so hard to make him hate them?

And when I begin to walk away, Jimin takes hold of my coat - And I trust him enough to know that he didn't mean to do anything wrong - and only when he doesn't let go and continues to stare at my stomach do I realise why his eyes widen and lips part in utter shock.

"Ch....Chaeyeon-ah..."

"Jimin, let go!" I cry, earning a few glances from the rest of the customers around in the shop. My friend simply blinks, slipping down onto his seat, eyes not leaving me when I hurry back to the counter.

And my head continues to reel, because if Jimin left right then, he would tell Taehyung, and all the months I've suffered by myself would have gone to a waste.

When Rin comes in an hour later, Jimin is still sitting at the table, looking at everywhere, the ceiling, the frames around the shop, the food on the display...

Park Jimin wasn't going to leave.

>

"How long did you expect to hide this from Taehyungie, Chaeyeon-ah?" Jimin's voice is low, a little shaky, and he sinks his boots into the soil, swinging a little from where he sits beside me.

After I request a break, Jimin follows me and we walk to a park nearby, sitting on the swings in silence before he had finally spoken up.

"You haven't told him yet, right?" I ask cautiously, head reeling at just the thought of Taehyung reacting to the mess I created.

"I haven't, but he has to kn-"

"Jimin-ah, I'm actually begging you with my entire life on this. Please don't tell Taehyung."

The park is quiet - it's a little past six, it was dinner time around now - and I could hear the way Jimin's breathing starts accelerating a little. He has a defeated expression on his face, scrunched up, eyes small, lips pressed into a thin line, blinking continuously and I feel a little anxious and self-conscious when he furrows his eyebrow.

"I'm actually angry, Chaeyeon-ah. I don't get angry often, but I'm angry right now. That baby isn't only yours, it's Taehyungie's, too."

"Jimin-ah, what are your fans going to say? What will happen to Bangtan? You guys recently got nominated for a Billboard award... You guys are becoming famous worldwide... Do you want me to ruin it all for you?"

"...But Chaeyeon-ah..."

"There may be some fans that accept it, but... We're here in Korea... This is the kind of scandal that will ruin Taehyung's entire career in one go. He worked so hard for this, Jimin-ah.. How do I take that away from him when I was a fan who loved his voice, his acting, and everything that he was, way before we started dating and fell in love?"

"Chaeyeon-ah..."

"It's because I love him, that I have to do this, Jiminie... I can do it. Trust me. I've come this far, right? I mean..." I wasn't sure if I could tell him how much I hated what had happened, how much I loathed the baby, about how much alcohol and unhealthy food I eat, just to see if I could get rid of things...

It's sick, how inhumane I've become, but I didn't know what to blame, and...

"It's eating me alive, but I'm going to graduate soon so things will be better, Jimin-ah. Please trust me."

"You have to tell him."

"Jiminie, I just finished telling you why I can't tell him-"

"Maybe not now... I'd prefer you saying right now, but I know you enough to know you won't... And I want to respect you in that sense, but... I'm still against this. Chaeyeon-ah, you will have to tell him. Maybe a few years later, but you have to."

"Jimin-ah, for as long as Bangtan stays, I'm not telling him. And Bangtan's staying forever, and so is this secret."

"Four years, Chaeyeon-ah. I'm giving you four years. You need to agree that you will let Taehyungie know about this in four years, or I'm going to tell Taehyungie right now." Jimin threatens, taking his smartphone out. And when he taps on Taehyung's contact, I understand that he isn't joking.

"Jiminie..."

"On the fourth birthday of you and Taehyung's baby, please come see us. Taehyungie isn't going to be angry at you for what happened, you know... He'll just be angry for the fact that you didn't tell him you were suffering."

There's silence between the two of us while I wipe away the tears streaming down my face, and Jimin puts away his smartphone and gets up.

"I trust you, Chaeyeon-ah. I trust that you will call me, that you will let me fund for the baby's needs, at least until they turn four."

Jimin apologizes for having to leave, he looks like he's still in a daze, but he promises that he will keep this secret between us for now. And it's kind of painful that he trusts me so blindly, and I sit at the swing for a long time even after he leaves because now my heart hurts even more than my stomach does.

arc 02

1

If there was one thing I was thankful for, it was the literature course I was doing.

Most of my course at this point involved writing, so I was able to spend the last two months of college at home, writing at my own pace, and going to the toilet at abnormal hours.

And every time I had to stand up to go get some water or had to go to the washroom, I find myself cursing, spending money on too much alcohol, and skipping out on hospital appointments because I simply hated my 'baby'.

I hated using the word 'my'. I didn't want the baby, and my attitude was starting to scare Chaeyoung.

"Chaeyeon-ah... Please stop drinking that when you're pregnant..." Her voice trails off a little when she sees the small bottle of alcohol that rests in front of my textbook. I glance up from my desk where I am seated, and Chaeyoung's lips are pursed as she holds a bowl of fruit in her hands. "Eat this."

I watch silently while my sister takes the bottle away, and it takes every ounce of my willpower to not beg her to give the bottle back. I didn't want to disappoint her any more than I already have.

Graduation would be in a week, and the coursework I am due to submit in five hours is finished, and proof-read, as well. As I look at the paperback, I feel a sense of satisfaction combined with a dizzy feeling; despite having to go to the washroom every ten minutes, crying myself to sleep every night, and being numb enough to not feel my limbs, I managed to finish everything. I managed to get through, I managed to know in advance, that even if my coursework was not turned in, I would still pass with flying colours.

So, when Rin comes to our apartment an hour later to collect the paperback, I am able to give her a genuine smile.

At least college was going right, even if nothing else was.

>

The countdown to graduation was closing in. It would be in three days, and the excitement in the air is contagious. Rin is humming to herself while she prepares coffee for a customer when I receive a text notification from Park Jimin.

'I tried to convince Taetae not to, but he is insisting on going to your coffee shop. I thought I would let you know in advance, in case you're there.'

I read the text five times before looking at Rin with a panicked expression. Raising an eyebrow, my friend eyes me while I take my apron off.

"Chae?"

"Jimin says Taehyung is coming here, I have to go... Please tell Manager-nim that I took my break." I call, getting away from the counter. Before I can turn around, I head the tinkling sound of the bell ringing, signalling a new customer. And it makes my blood freeze and Rin's eyes go wide, while I close my eyes and get back behind the counter and crawl into a small ball away from the customer's view.

Rin recovers quickly, and I see her plastering on a big smile from beside me.

"Hello, what can I get for you, Jimin, Tae?"

There's an aching throb in my heart when I hear Taehyung's deep voice from behind the counter, recognizing my friend and asking how she is doing. I could feel my head reeling a mile a minute, my stomach and the soles of my feet aching from the crouched position that I had put myself in.

And then, Taehyung orders a vanilla bean latte and it breaks my heart because it's his favourite drink. I couldn't hide the fact that I missed him endlessly, and more tears form in my eyes while I have to cover my mouth to avoid sobbing loudly.

The voices disappear after a couple moments and Rin lets me know that the boys had gone to a table at the other end of the cafe. She asks me if I'd like to prepare Taehyung's drink, and I feel like crying while I get the ice and the milk ready.

Somewhere between taking the ground coffee jar and picking up the straws, my head begins to throb. And the next thing I know, there are two arms gripping on me from either side.

"Chae? Chae! Are you okay?"

"Chaeyon-ah? Can you hear me?" A masculine voice speaks, and I could feel the blur in my vision focusing on the familiar face of Jimin's, an arm around my neck while the other held onto my waist, just like Rin had, from the other side.

"What? What happened?"

"You almost dropped the ice pack, I think you didn't eat enough and got tired, maybe?" Rin says, helping me sit back comfortably while leaning against the sack of coffee beans behind the counter.

"I'm fine. Where's Taehyung?" I ask, and Jimin points to the othe end of the cafe.

"I came to bring the drinks, but I..." Jimin's voice trails off as he looks over to Rin, who grabs a bottle of chilled water and hands it to me. "You must be struggling so much, Chaeyeon-ah..."

"I'm fine." I say, thankful for the cool water. It feels refreshing, and Jimin helps me up on my feet. he doesn't look like he believes me, and there's a big frown on his face when Rin hands him the drinks.

"I respect you so much for being strong enough to go through this, Chaeyeon-ah. You have all my respect." He says, adding a bow before he takes the two cups and turns around.

You're wrong, Jimin... I don't deserve a single ounce of respect.

2  

My hands are shaking under the cool breeze of the air conditioning unit directly over my head. The auditorium is filled with students of the graduating year, almost all of them dressed in navy blue clothing. Despite knowing the fact that I had received the scholarship to go to Japan for my Master's degree, my legs feel like jelly. There were a lot of people, and the lights that shone on the stage were so bright, focusing completely on whoever stood there.

I feel thankful for Chaeyoung who helped pick out a loose dress with poofy white frills at the front. We had walked for hours and hours, and while I felt sad that I couldn't wear the kind of pretty dresses that complimented the figures of my colleagues, I still felt content. The fever that welcomed me two days ago refused to leave, despite my sister's frequent changing of the washcloth over my forehead.

I had met my mom outside, and when she had raised her hands up to give me a bone-crushing hug, Chaeyoung had asked her to avoid getting creases on my dress. Mom agreed without a word, wordlessly smiling and leaning to kiss me on the cheek instead. Her smile was so genuine, it hurt.

Rin sits beside me, her own hands shaking even though she tries to remain calm while she texts her boyfriend. The rotation went on batch by batch, based on majors, and as our graduating class' turn neared, my hands are sweating so much that I have to remove the gloves I have on.

"Chaerin-ah, I'm going to the bathroom, okay? I'll be back soon."

"Don't take long, we need to go backstage in like five minutes." She warns, and I nod, quietly making my way to the back of the auditorium and slipping outside. It's still a little cold, despite the summer heat, and I hurry to the washroom, trying to ignore the fact that it feels like someone is kicking my stomach repeatedly.

No... Anytime but now...

I begin to regret not attending the labour instructions lecture the clinic had called repeatedly and begged me to go to. When I see trails of blood streaming by my thighs and forming a little puddle on my feet, I want to cry.

No, no no...

Suddenly, it becomes impossible for me to stand, and I fall, knee first, and it horrifies me to see that my dress which I had adored so much was now starting to get damp.

No...

"Chaeyeon-ah, you're supposed to be backst- Chaeyeon-ah!?" I hear my sister's shrill screech when she steps inside and sees me on the floor, crying so hard that my eyes feel sore.

"Ch-Chae-young... Hospital!" I cry, and my sister stays frozen as she looks at the tiles of the bathroom, stained red from the impossible amount of bleeding that was happening. I wasn't sure how long it took for Chaeyoung to call an ambulance because my vision dies out in unison to my sense of hearing.

>

"You kept the fact that you were pregnant, a secret from me."

It is impossible for me to meet eyes with my mother. It's the first thing she says, right after she asks if I want to hold the baby, and I refused.

"You wouldn't miss graduation for anything, that's why I knew something was very wrong... I had my suspicions that you weren't well, for a while, but this is the last thing I had thought would happen..." She continues, "The baby is in the nursery."

"I'm sorry, Mom."

"For what? For not telling me, or because I found out?"

"Both. And also for letting this happen in the first place." My voice cracks a little when I take in all the courage I have and glance at my mom. The pale look on her face makes me close my eyes, taking a deeper inhale.  The smell of disinfectant was so strong throughout the room, white curtains and white furniture everywhere and a cot to my right which I refused to glance at twice.

"Chaeyeon-ah, I'm sure you're really upset right now, but I have to know who the father is."

My gaze goes back to my hands, fumbling a little while I look at the white blanket over me. My toes twitch a little, and my entire body still feels numb, much like my heart.

"Chaeyoung told me everything, except who the father is, and why you did it... So I'm not angry at you, I just need you to tell me."

"Mom..."

"Kim Taehyung?"

"Mom."

"So it is..." She sighs, glancing at the cot once again before she looks at me with a smile. "It's not hard to miss."

"What do you mean?" I ask, sitting up a little. Mom visibly hesitates, responding with yet another sigh when I raise an eyebrow.

"The baby... He resembles Taehyung a lot."

My mom must have noticed the sour look on my face, and she purses her lips a little, cautious about how she could say what she had to with minimal damage.

"He has one monolid and a double eyelid... Just like Taehyung does."

My thighs feel numb, and the feeling of all of my limbs aching makes me want my entire life to bleed out and end the pain.

"And also, he... He has the same little mole under his nose, just like Taehyung does."

And that's where I start to cry, and that is the day I realize that artificial medicines could numb my bones, but never my heart.

3

Chaeyoung carries the baby home after I get discharged.

Mom carries a bag filled to the brim with baby products, and I have no idea when she got them, and I don't bother asking. She had always been a perfectionist after all, and the look of disappointment that flooded her eyes when she found out I hadn't done any preparations, was enough for me to know that she would do something similar to this.

We exit the hospital building, and my legs feel weak while I hold onto Mom's hand. There's a taxi waiting for us, and mom gets in the passenger seat. Biting my lips, I find myself having no choice but to sit beside Chaeyoung, who carries the baby in her lap.

"He even has a little mole right under his eyes! He's so cute!" Chaeyoung sings, and it's instantaneous, the way my fists clench into a ball with pent-up anger and frustration. It's one thing that I had to have a baby, but...

As my eyes finally, finally dart to glance at my baby, I want to cry.

Because they were right. His skin is fair, cheeks a little pudgy and there's a thin layer of dark hair on his head... An angel, in the form of torture for me, because all the little moles on his face that Taehyung took pride in, this baby possessed them as well, and I want to cry. I have to look away, out to the roads instead, and if either Chaeyoung or my Mom heard my crying, they don't mention it.

The car ride is silent after that. Mom gets out of the car upon arrival at our house, and takes the baby while Chaeyooung takes the bag with the baby products. It feels awkward while I walk between the two, refusing a second glance at the baby and storming towards the stairs as soon as the door is opened.

"Chaeyeon-ah, you know we need to discuss this, right? You're a mother now." Mom's voice makes me halt on the second step, and it doesn't hurt just physically, but mentally, as well.

I didn't ask to be one.

"In three days, I'm leaving to Japan, Mom. I can't stay here to look after him."

"Then... What are your intentions about this innocent baby?"

I wish he never existed.

"I... I know this sounds so cruel, but Mom, I have absolutely o choice. He has to go to an orphanage, or something. I can't take him with me."

I don't want to.

"He's so beautiful..." Mom says instead, widened eyes softening as it lands on the baby. She pats his head softly, and the frown on her face turns into a painful smile instead.

He looks like Taehyung.

"Chaeyeon-ah, you're sure about this?" She asks, voice firm this time as she glances at me again. It's hard for me to read her expression while I nod, and it's really, really painful. I was not raised like such a heartless person, but here I was...

"Alright. Go back to your room and sleep well."

My Mom does not wish me a good night that day.

>

When I step out to the living room with my belongings, my mom is seated on the couch.

Waiting for me.

"Chaeyeon-ah... You know about your aunt Hyeomi, right?" She starts, cautiousness in her voice as she pats the head of the baby softly.

"The one who passed away before I was born, your sister?" I ask, a little confused because it sounded a little too random for her to bring that up, when she had always avoided my questions about her when I was younger. I didn't have the time to sit back and chat with my mom; I had a flight to Japan to check-in, in an hour, so I look at her in anticipation as she takes her time.

"Hyeomi is Chaeyoung's mother."

It takes a couple moments for the weight of her sentence to sink in, and I take in as much air as I can, legs feeling too weak to hold me up anymore. My mom has a sad smile on her face, tucking the small blanket around the baby and lowering him into the cot.

"Then, you're..."

"I'm Chaeyoung's adoptive mother." She clarifies, glancing up from the baby to my face. The more my mom spoke, the more I felt like she was puncturing holes in my heart. My head continues to reel as she goes on. "Hyeomi passed away because her immune system got too weak after Chaeyoung was born... I was pregnant with you, then."

"Then..."

"I decided to raise Chaeyoung. And it was really hard, and I could have just taken her to an orphanage, couldn't I? But Chaeyeon-ah, can you imagine your life right now without her?"

I couldn't will myself to respond, and I feel my eyes getting blurry.

"I could have taken her there but I didn't... And I'm not going to lie to you, Chaeyeon-ah, but it was really hard for me to get over my sister's death and then you were born a few months later... It was hard, but see, here you both are, grown up so well, finished college, and you even have a beautiful baby now..." She pauses, eyes going to the baby who had stopped squirming around. "I'm not letting him go to an orphanage."

"Mom..."

"Go. Finish your Masters and come back. I'll take care of him."

I couldn't argue with her, because it was hard to do that while crying. Taking a couple tissues from the box on the coffee table, I grab the strap of my carry-on and glance at my mom.

"I'm so sorry that I'm a disappointment, Mom."

"You aren't. There will be a day when you understand."

It breaks my heart when my mom embraces me when she says that, because the faith she has in me is unfair, even if it comes out of her maternal love. And it's even sadder, because I don't want her to know that I would never be able to look at the baby without wishing he never existed in the first place, to hurt me in more ways than one.

It was so wrong, but that was the way things were, and I couldn't change it even if I tried.

And so, with promises to call often and exchanges of 'I love you's, I grab my suitcase, saying goodbye to my Mom. I could see in her eyes that she was begging me to hold the baby, at least once, and the guilt makes me hurry outside, silently apologising to her on my way out.

"Chaeyeon-ah, wait." She says, when I reach the doorknob. When I glance back, she has a little smile on her face, eyeing the cot before she looks back at me.

"Yes?"

"You haven't chosen a name for the baby."

There's a pause while she waits for me to respond, but I'm not sure what I could say, so I shrug, turning around to face the door again.

"I don't mind, Mom. You do it."

And I walk outside before she can say anything that could make me feel guiltier. There's a silver rover at the gate, one that looks too sophisticated for me to feel the least bit comfortable about. I am almost passing by the car when the door swings open, and out comes a figure standing in burgundy coat reaching his knees. Despite his face being covered by a dark pair of sunglasses and a clean face mask, I am able to tell who it is instantly, thanks to the bright yellow beanie he has on.

Park Jimin lowers his face mask slightly, just enough for his smile to peek through, before he puts it back on and raises a hand to motion for me.

"Chaeyeon-ah! I almost missed meeting you, didn't I?" Jimin queries, closing the door to his car and lifting his sunglasses up to his beanie. "Are you going to- Oh."

There's a painful pause while Jimin's glance goes down to my suitcase and the carry-on which I have stacked on top.

"Chaeyeon-ah, I trust you but I'm not going to lie when I had my doubts that you might do this..." There is hurt visible on his face when he looks at me. "You're planning on leaving the country for good, aren't you? Just so you don't have to face Taetae..."

"No, Jimin, you've got it wrong! I'm going to Japan for my Masters... I'll be coming back in two years, so..."

"Ah? It's a good thing I have your bank account details, then!" Jimin's face cheers up a little, and I don't need to see that he is smiling; the crinkles under his eyes are enough for me to know that. "When is the... Oh my god."

It is only then that Jimin's glance goes away from my suitcase to my stomach, and it wasn't a lie to say that I had never, ever seen his eyes that wide in all of the years I'd known him.

"Chaeyeon-ah, did you... When?"

"He's inside the house. On graduation." I respond, trying my hardest not to get my head into the unwanted memories of my ruined graduation. Jimin's face gets a little bit of colour again, and he lowers his face mask fully this time, a huge smile dancing on his face, one that shows all of his teeth.

"A boy?!" Jimin cries like a little kid, his hands unconsciously clapping together in glee and it feels like a blow in the pit of my stomach; to see someone be so happy about something I hated so much. "I want to see him!"

"He's... He's inside." I repeat, nodding towards the door. Jimin's gaze goes to the front porch before he glances at my bags again.

"Are you going to the airport right now?" He asks, and when I nod, his mouth forms a little 'o'. "As much as I'd love to go and see the baby right now, let's go to the airport together."

"You don't need to. I can get a cab-"

"Chaeyeon-ah, I'm your friend, remember? Please get in, we'll go together!" Jimin exclaims, opening the door and I sigh, remembering how stubborn he had always been, no matter what the subject was about. And he has such a soft smile on his face that anyone would feel the need to cave into.

When I step in, Jimin gets in beside me, instructing the driver to go the airport.

"Besides," Jimin speaks softly, "I'm the Uncle of... Ah! What's your baby's name?"

It's an automated response of my body to cringe whenever someone refers to the baby as mine in the first place, and if Jimin noticed my action, he disregards it, instead, looking at me expectantly.

"I don't know yet."

"Is Chaeyoung looking after the baby?"

"No, my mom." I have to explain, fumbling with my fingers because it's still so sad, everything was so sad now and I didn't know what to do to make myself happy again.

Or rather, I knew that Kim Taehyung was the answer, but I couldn't even dream of doing that.

"Oh... Chaeyeon-ah, I know that talking about this makes you sad, so... How about we talk about other things? I mean, we are friends, after all, right?"

Someone as cruel as I didn't deserve a friend like Park Jimin.

4

It was really stupid of me to think that, starting fresh somewhere new, a place where no one knew about my past, would be a good thing.

Because, despite my studies going well, the guilt of having broken Taehyung's heart, and the fact that a baby I hated more and more with every passing day, really tested my temper. I was turning into a monster, one who depended on alcohol and strict friends who would take me back to my apartment before I could do something I regretted the next morning.

My mom called twice a week. During the first few months, she had tried to talk me into video calls, trying to convince me into seeing how the baby was growing up well.

She stopped after the sixth month, when she realised that she had screwed up.

It was on my birthday, the first one away from home. She had opened the video calling application with the baby in her lap, and, out of the respect I have for my mom only, had I not closed the lid of the laptop.

She was right, he was growing up well. He was growing up to look more and more like the baby pictures Taehyung had shown me of himself when we were dating, and I am about to cry when Chaeyoung had appeared on the screen, said hello, and then takes the baby out on a walk.

"Jae-ah is honestly the most beautiful baby ever." Mom mumbles with a smile, and that's when the tears in my eyes stop.

"... Jae?"

"Jae, as in Jaehyung. Your baby is called Kim Jaehyung, haven't I mentioned this to you before? You asked me to name him so I-"

And that was the day I realised that pent-up anger was a horrible feeling, because it can crush twenty-two years worth of respect in a single second and cause someone to act cold towards the person who gave birth to them.

And after two months of silence when I finally pick up her calls again, she apologises, and never bring up the baby again.

And yet, it doesn't make me feel less awful, because she is my mother, and in her eyes, I can see that she is dying for me to ask about the baby. How her expectations are shattered every time I say bye and never ask about anything except her well being and Chaeyoung's.

I honestly was the worst child, and an even worse mother.

I wasn't sure which was worse.

>

It's during the first few hours of December when my flight reaches Incheon airport.

Two and a half years back when I first left Korea, I had been crying, my health was deteriorating, and my heart had been broken into millions of pieces.

Now, I feel tired, I am able to stand up straighter, and feel less hollow because I had tried my hardest to control my emotions.

But I learned, the hard way, that once you truly love someone, you can never take it back. My heart yearns for Taehyung and his warmth, and every dating rumour that had spread on the internet over the time away does nothing less to my fragile heart which I had assumed had already gone through the toughest of things in life.

My thoughts are interrupted when I see my name printed on a banner, and it's Chaeyoung standing with the white banner waving, and there's a male figure standing beside her, waving as well. It makes me smile, seeing the soft pink hair of Park Jimin's, hidden poorly underneath the snapback he has on.

And it's only when Chaeyoung puts the banner down and comes to run up to me, when I see the reason why Jimin waves with a single hand; He clutches tightly to the hand of a small boy, much, much shorter than him, and it makes my heart sink instantly.

Things move way too fast for me to fathom everything, and Chaeyoung's arms wrap around my shoulders as soon as the escalator stops on the ground floor. And while I feel the warmth that my sister has to offer, I have to guard diligently against crying when I see the uncanny resemblance the boy has, with the love of my life.

He is holding onto Jimin's hand tightly, who only smiles and lowers the face mask he has on before approaching the two of us.

"Chaeyeon-ah! Hello!" My friend greets, and it's really hard, to not smile at his innocent expression, even though I wish I could turn back and take a flight back to anywhere but here.

"Hi, Jiminie. Hi, Chaeyoung. It's been a while."

"Jimin here wanted to drive us back but he has to leave. He insisted on staying at least to say hi to you." Chaeyoung has to say, taking the little boy's hand while Jimin raises both his hands up to his face, obviously flustered.

"I just wanted to know that you're doing well." Jimin purses his lips a little, an endearing gesture, and I smile when his face softens, glancing back at me. "I missed you."

"I missed you too, Jiminie."

There's a brief exchange of handshakes before Jimin hurries back, and he's gone back to his hectic schedule again. A few moments of silence pass by before Chaeyoung glances at the boy.

"Jae-ah, here's your mummy."

"Chaeyoung..."

The little boy makes no motions of responding, and when I glance at his face for a few seconds, I see a perplexed expression on his pale, round face. It's painful to look at him, and I knew that he was innocent but I couldn't help myself. I grab my suitcases and begin to drag them out to the porch.

Chaeyoung and the boy follow in silence, and I am the one who flags a cab and takes the passenger seat. The ride back home is as silent as I remember the ride to the airport a couple years back had been, and it feels like a constant reminder that things haven't changed, not even a little bit.

The fresh aroma of home-cooked meals welcomes the three of us when we enter our house. The pale beige and peach walls of the house make me tear up a little, and I find myself crying when my mom embraces me.

"Chaeyeon-ah, I missed you so much. Let's have a good meal before you rest, shall we?"

And it makes my heart throb a little, because she loves me despite all the cruel things I had done to her and her grandson. And even though the word itself makes me cringe and want to cry even harder, I find myself nodding instead.

Chaeyoung appears in the kitchen a while after mom sets the plates.

"I tucked Jae to bed. I hope he won't be a bother to you, Chae." She says, and that's the last time the little boy's name is brought up at dinner. I find myself eating a proper meal after what feels like months, and a couple drinks of soju later, Chaeyoung follows me upstairs to my room to unpack with me.

And that's the moment when my mood turns foul again.

Because, there's a smaller bed opposite to mine inside my room, and Jaehyung is sleeping there.

I wasn't sure which was worse: the fact that my mom had decided that Jae would share my room, or the fact that he is asleep while holding onto an all too familiar plushie.

"You bought him a Tata plushie?" I ask, and my voice sounds a little harsher than I intended. When my glance goes to the boy sleeping softly, Chaeyoung shakes her head.

"It's okay, he's a heavy sleeper." She pauses, taking a seat on my bed and watching while I stand, dumbfounded by the events unfolding. "And what, this is the closest he can get to his dad. It's the least I could do for him."

"But Chae..."

"And Jae really, really, loves music. Look, Chae, I'm not going to hide anything from you," She says, "Jae has TV around him all the time, he watches music shows we watch, and I don't think it's ironic at all that he really, really likes the 'guy with the big eyes' from a world-famous boyband you and I are all too familiar with."

The weight of her words hits me like a ton of bricks, and I have to sit down because it becomes really hard for me to breathe.

"And he was really, really shocked when he found out that Jimin knows me. And yet, despite personally knowing Jimin, he's fond of Tae in a way I can't even express, you need to see it for yourself. His favourite lullaby to sleep is '4 o'clock'. You really, really can't avoid this anymore, Chae, if you aren't ready for this now, then start preparing. Jimin gave you till Jae's fourth birthday and he's going to turn three soon. Don't..."

Chaeyoung pauses her speech, glancing at Jaehyung's bed before she turns back to me again.

"I'm not saying this because I want you to be scared of me, but... Despite him not having his mom or dad around, Jae has been living a happy and cheerful life, and I will not allow you to come back here and just ruin what Mum and I have been working on." Her voice stays monotone as she pats Jae's hair. She glances at me when I unlock my suitcase in silence.

"Hmm."

"I love you, Chae, but... If you intend on doing cruel things to him, then you can leave the house." Chaeyoung's voice makes me snap my head back at her, startled at her words. "Of course, I don't want you to choose the option of leaving, I want you to stay here and treat Jae well. I won't let you ignore him. Like I said, if you want to do that, it's best you don't stay here. Because he's the most wonderful thing that has probably happened in my sad, sad life. I'm sure he will be, for you, too."

That's easy for you to say.

5

My room is dimly lit when I wake up the next morning. The sun's rays give the room a golden hue, and I sit up, stretching a little after a good night's sleep.

The first thing I see is that, at my study desk, Jaehyung is sitting, writing something on a thick notebook. It's like an automatic response, for my body to shudder whenever I see the kid, and every kind of pain I had felt over the past couple years makes me have to use every ounce of my self-control to not raise a hand at the innocent boy.

When Jaehyung hears the ruffling of the duvet that I was moving away before getting up, he turns around, curious eyes peering over at the way I head to the dresser. It's probably his naive mind, unaware that I can clearly see his reflection, glance set on me while I comb my hair and put it up in a ponytail.

He immediately turns back to his writing when I turn around, and the gesture would have made my heart soften a little... If it wasn't for the fact that all I could think about as I watched his reflection was that he resembled Taehyung much more than necessary.

After washing up, I put some toner on before I make my way to the door. When I close the door behind me, I can hear the sound of the chair at the desk move a little, indicating Jaehyung had gotten up. Sighing, I walk downstairs to the kitchen.

"Chaeyeon-ah, you're up! I'm almost done with breakfast, can you help me make the omelettes?"

"Sure, Mom."

It feels nice to stay in the middle of the warm air radiating off from the fresh food we prepared, and Mom sets the plates while I finish making the eggs.

Chaeyoung comes down the stairs with her hair tied up into a bun, and she has a big smile when she sees the food.

"I have a big exam this evening, so I'm going to eat a lot." She says, making Mom and I chuckle as she digs into the food. When I bring the eggs to the table, Mom goes towards the staircase.

"Jae-ah, come down. It's time for breakfast."

Chaeyoung's glance goes towards me, and there's some sort of warning in her eyes while I turn away, and I can feel her glaring daggers at my back while I put the pan away. Jaehyung responds with a nod and climbs down the stairs, one step at a time and when he's down, he walks towards the cabinet beside which I am standing.

In silence, the little boy bends down, opens the door, and takes out a stack of old-looking textbooks. It feels a little odd, so I have my gaze on him as he carries the books up to the chair beside Chaeyoung's. Carefully, he stacks the books on top of the chair before he seats himself over them. My sister has a smile ready for him, and I watch while he mumbles something, his thanks for the food, most probably, before he reaches for a piece of the omelette.

"Chaeyeon-ah? Come eat." Mom calls, taking a seat in front of Jaehyung, and I nod, heading to the table as well. It feels a little out of place, and I didn't want to be a disappointment, but I couldn't get myself to look at the boy in the eyes for longer than a second.

"So, since Mom is moving back to Daegu in a couple hours, so she's not going to be around to help. Chaeyeon-ah, are you going to look for a job here, or..?"

"Yeah, I'm going to start job hunting soon."

"Okay. Jae-ah, do you want more toast?" Chaeyoung asks, watching the way the boy has his hands extended out towards the plate. When he nods, my sister places a slice on his plate.

"Are you excited to go to school again, Jae-ah?" Mom asks, and the boy nods, a big smile forming on his face.

"Jimin hyung-ah said that if I study well, he'll get me ice cream next week," Jaehyung says, using a spoon to lift a piece of the egg up to his mouth. It's a little startling, how well he speaks considering he isn't even three yet; Mom and Chaeyoung had done a good job, even his mannerisms are polite. It makes me shrink in my seat, because it wasn't a lie to say I wished there was something about him that I could hate; so that my feelings of hatred for the boy would be justified.

"Even I will give you ice cream if you study well." Chaeyoung says, and then turns to face me. "Chaeyeon-ah, since Mom and I will be busy today, why don't you take Jae to school?"

There's a look on her face that warns me not to say anything negative, and Mom has a melancholic expression on her face when I don't say anything in response.

"Chae?"

"Fine."

Chaeyoung seems pleased, despite the monotone in my voice, and she turns to face Jaehyung with a big smile. "You can go to school today with Mummy, and I'm going to study a lot, meanwhile."

"Fighting." Jaehyung says, raising his fist balled up along with the spoon in his clutches. The mood during breakfast is kept thanks to Chaeyoung's constant talking and Jaehyung's little episodes about school.

I'm not sure what to expect, but all I knew was that I'd take a cab, just so I could drop him off as soon as I could.

>

It's close to eleven o'clock when the dishes are put away, and Chaeyoung texts me the location of Jaehyung's nursery school. The little boy follows me when I walk up the stairs to my room, and while I get ready to head out, Jaehyung hurries to pack his bag and change into his school uniform.

He's silent with his actions, even opening the door cautiously when he sees that I am ready. It takes him a while to climb the stairs, holding onto the wooden bar tightly with each step he takes. Jaehyung has a confused expression on his face when he looks up to me checking the location Chaeyoung had sent earlier.

The nursery isn't close to home, but it also wasn't far enough to get in a cab, either. When we stand on the pavement outside the gate, Jaehyung begins to fumble with his hands.

"How do you usually go to school?"

Jaehyung's response is widened eyes, his head flipping up to look at me in surprise. It makes me realise that it was the first time I had directly spoken to him, and he takes a moment to scratch his head and turn to look at the road.

"I walk, with Grandma. But most times, with Noona." He mumbles. He has a hard time pronouncing the word, and it sounds more like he's saying 'Doona', instead. It's as he says this, that I realise that his voice is soft, contrasting to Taehyung's, and it makes me sigh in relief that at least one of his traits are different from his father's.

"Chaeyoung?"

"Yes. Chaeyoung Noona." He confirms. It feels abstract, but I am reminded of a time inside a Chinese restaurant where Taehyung had told me about how he hoped that his first child would be a boy.

This is...

...Painful.

Taking another deep inhale, I begin to cross the street. Jaehyung seems startled by my action, his hand reaching towards mine a little before he retrieves his hand back into his coat pocket. In silence, the boy follows me, trying his best to keep up with my pace. It is only when we reach the other end of the street and get up to the next road, that he discreetly takes holds the fabric of my coat.

He doesn't clutch onto it tightly, just enough that he is able to walk through the crowd at my pace and not get lost. It feels out of place and I want so badly to scream at him, to swat his hand away; but the fact that he makes sure his clutch is so soft that I can barely feel it, makes me even angrier. Who had taught him to behave this way, or was he naturally like this?

It's a quiet fifteen-minute walk when we arrive at the gates of the nursery. As Chaeyoung had advised me to, I enter the school grounds, and it's easy for me as Jaehyung becomes more comfortable at the familiar surroundings and walks two steps ahead.

And then, he stops walking when he reaches an opened door at the far corner of the ground floor.

"That is my class." He informs, pointing at the door.

"When do you finish?"

Jaehyung's eyes go wide again, a hand palming over the strap of his backpack before he raises five fingers.

"Five o'clock." He says, eyes turning where a tall brunette appears beside him, holding a clipboard.

"Ah, Kim Jaehyung. Hello! Get in class, you're a little late today, aren't you?" The woman, who I assume to be his teacher, says with a big smile.

"I walked to school with my Mummy today." I hear him whisper to the teacher, who gives me a smile. I think I smiled back at her before I walked out, I wasn't sure, because now my head hurts in addition to my chest, and I don't know what I should have expected.

Chaeyoung had taken Mom to the train station to see her off while I took Jaehyung to school. It felt wrong to simply stay at home while she had to go back to fetch the boy, not when she had her finals this evening.

And so, despite my heart crying for me to go back home and crawl into a ball, to tear away the plushies lined neatly on his bed, and scream at the top of my voice, I head to the nearest coffee shop.

Scrolling through the job ads and circling the ones that seemed good, I spend the time till five, inside the shop. Three cups of coffee and a muffin later, I am walking out of the coffee shop, to pick the boy up.

The evening air is chilly, and I have my hands in the pocket of my coat, when I hear a voice calling out my name carefully.

And it's so scary, how familiar the voice is, how hesitant it sounded the second time the voice repeats my name, and my hands are trembling when I turn around to face the person I had been avoiding for the past three years.

Kim Taehyung stands, expressionless, eyes wide, and the coat he has on is five times too large on him, but that's exactly how he likes it. The sleeves of the sweater he has on are too long, reaching up to cover almost all of his fingers, and while we stood, the only thing that I could feel was the cold air rushing out into mist with every exhale of ours.

It's ironic, because he had recognized me in the midst of so many other people, from so far, and I have to tear my gaze away from his eyes because I don't want him to see my tear-filled eyes.

And it's painful, because he doesn't move, he simply stands, not making any motions of going away or coming closer, the few meters away he stays seems like a spot he doesn't want to move from.

And it's even more ironic because I can see Jaehyung who had spotted me, and he runs across the grounds towards me.

No. Please go away. Don't come in front of Taehyung.

"Hello," He greets.

I didn't hide your face from him for so many years for nothing, go away.

"Go inside for a while. I have an important thing to do." I say between gritted teeth, and if Jaehyung had seen the tears falling down my cheeks, he doesn't mention it. Instead, the boy gives me a nod, eyes wide before he runs back inside and heads towards the slides.

It takes me a while to calm down, and when I turn back to the street, Taehyung stands in his spot, blinking away the tears in his own eyes. He hadn't moved, and it didn't look like he would, either.

"Chaeyeon-ah."

"Why are you here?" I whisper. Taehyung takes a step forward, and that's only when I see that there are two people standing behind him, Jungkook and Hoseok, who I recognize instantly. And it gets harder for me to not burst out crying, especially when the two bow a little at me before they begin to cross the street.

Taehyung waits until the two are on the other side, before he takes another step closer. I can feel his cold breath on my face, and I have to look away, because...

Jaehyung, his very own child, looks so much like him and it's painful that he was here in front of me, but I couldn't tell him that his child was so close to him.

He doesn't question it.

He doesn't question me, he doesn't ask me why I am standing in front of a nursery, why I had been talking to a small child, and why I am crying out here, in public.

Instead, he says one thing, and then he turns around.

And then he's gone.

"I loved you."

arc 03

1

Time and again, I hear about how Jaehyung is a miniature version of Kim Taehyung, and it bothers me to admit that it's true.

But it was today that I learned that Jaehyung was also like a miniature version of Park Jimin: filled with endless compassion and care for other people.

It moves me to tears, the way I watch Taehyung cross the street and leave, similar to the way I had left him all those years ago. The fact that he says something, unlike I had, reminds me for the umpteenth time that I was undeserving of his love anyways.

Kim Jaehyung is a little child. Not even three years old, but he knows to stay away, blinking with his big eyes - just like his father's - and the amount of patience he has makes my heart weaker as I envision Jimin's sincere looks of worry. And Jaehyung's face is like a much younger mirror of my said friend, and it is only after what seems like hours that I wave for the child to come over.

He doesn't question it.

Instead, Jaehyung simply looks at me with his big, dark eyes, filling with confusion and slight bother. I say nothing, and he does the same, lowering his head and facing the ground when I find words failing me.

And when I turn around and start to walk away, Jaehyung scurries behind me, and when his hand takes hold of a small corner of my coat... this time, I couldn't get myself to be bothered.

(And when we get home and Chaeyoung asks him how his day was, he beams, and whispers to her that it's the happiest day of his life.)

>

It's on the day right before New Year's Eve, when Chaeyoung lets me know that the National Arts Museum needs an employee to fill in their job for a literature guide.

She says it's the perfect job for me, and I agree; more so because managing the finances for the food, the rent, and Jaehyung's needs would be hard on her own. And I have responsibilities now that I can't escape even if I wanted to. Especially when Mom has moved back to Daegu now.

The employer gives me the job on the spot, and my first day of the new year passes by with the rest of the trainees at the museum.

It's a tiring day, and the following day would be even more tiring; so I am thankful for the fact that Jaehyung keeps to himself, coloring or doodling by my desk quietly while I head to the bathroom to get ready for bed.

And when I step outside in my pajamas, he turns and glances at me for a second, before he puts away his color box and books. By the time I am tucking myself in bed, he comes out of the bath as well.

It's a naive thing that only children do; copying everything they see someone else do. And it's amusing to some extent, up until he climbs onto his bed and clutches his Tata plushie with all his might.

That sight makes me look away.

2

Chaeyoung is in her final year of med school, and the eye bags underneath her bloodshot eyes every day is a silent beg that I continue to take Jaehyung to and from school.

It's still uncomfortable if I look into it too much, but there is a line that differentiates Kim Jaehyung from Kim Taehyung; Jaehyung is quiet. He's eerily quiet around me, that I'd fear he's dead, if I don't hear the way he breathes heavily from his mouth every ten seconds.

He's silent in ways that make me feel like he isn't present at all, what with his unnoticeable tugs on my coat when he walks beside me, on his way to school.

It's... not a difficult routine to get used to.

It only becomes difficult when BTS has a comeback.

The television is always on to BTS performing their title song, 'Away'. And I know that it has no relation to me, but the brilliant way that Namjoon has written the lyrics makes me uneasy, especially when I see the way Taehyung sings the bridge in his low baritone... His voice filled with melancholy and eyes shining as he looks directly at the screen.

The fact that Jaehyung watches the TV screen in amusement does not help.

It becomes a little hard to breathe when I am at home, and I can't digest the food on my plate when the screen in front of me plays such a sorrowful song.

Life... turns into a sad routine. A baseless routine of crying every day - which I was able to put on hold for a while - and simply trying to pass each day without hurting the child inside my room who hums lyrics to the songs of an album I wish I could stay away from.

It's on a warm night when I am woken up from my sleep, to the sound of clapping and quiet singing. As I squint at the doorway where a lot of light enters the room, I see Chaeyoung, holding a box - which I recognize as a cake a while afterwards - singing happy birthday to a beaming Kim Jaehyung.

The bond they share is almost envious, and I feel slightly nauseous as I watch the child fling his arms around Chaeyoung's leg, chanting 'Thank you, Chaeyoung-noona!' continuously like a mantra.

They go outside, and I sigh, clutching my pillow and it feels a little painful when the door creaks open a little and I hear the sound of footsteps approaching me.

It's silent for a while, and when I finally turn to face the kid, his eyes go wide.

"What do you need?"

Jaehyung blinks a few times before he lowers his gaze, fumbling with his fingers - an action he does a lot, when he's nervous - and takes in a deep inhale.

"Chaeyoung-noona asked you to... come and have some cake..." When he sees the way I squint my eyes at him, he adds, "Please."

A part of my sanity screams at me to ignore the child, but he looks at me with fearful eyes and that's even more painful than Chaeyoung's disappointed expressions when she hears from Jaehyung that I couldn't even say two words to him on our trips.

It makes me drag myself off from the bed, and Jaehyung's big eyes widen even more as he takes a few steps back. When he's confirmed that I am actually coming along, he turns around and dashes off, hurrying downstairs, one step at a time.

He's quiet as he watches Chaeyoung beam and place a slice of cake on a plate for me. And he doesn't talk, except to say 'yes', when my sister wants to know if he's happy.

He finishes up the cake when he sees me put away the plate, when I'm done. And then, he scurries after me when I go upstairs.

It's hard to fall asleep when the realization that there is only one more year before the deadline Jimin had given me hits me right then.

>

The day is breezy and the television is on, various music playing on while I prepare breakfast. The food I eat tastes better now that I can contribute to the expenses, and the art museum is lenient about my work hours, especially after discovering that I have a child that I take to school every day during my lunch break.

No one asks me who the father is, and I am grateful to that.

It's the morning of Jaehyung's third birthday, and I hear Chaeyoung call the child to get him down for breakfast. My sister enters the kitchen with a textbook in hand, greeting me warmly as she takes a seat at the table. She doesn't say anything, instead, going back to her book. I turn the stove on a little higher as I hurry to finish the stir-fried vegetables.

Jaehyung comes downstairs after a while, eyes still droopy from sleep as he waddles his way towards the cabinet. The child lets out a small yawn as he picks the books out, and carries them to his seat. After Mom had left, Chaeyoung sits at the head of the table, and Jaehyung was overwhelmed for a little while before he got used to the new seating arrangement.

After the food is arranged and I sit down, I get a call from Jimin.

Jimin greets me with a warm hello before he asks if I can open up the video-call option, so that he can wish Jaehyung a happy birthday.

After the child exclaims a loud 'Jimin-hyungnim!', there is a knock on the door, and it's a box that Jimin himself had sent for Jaehyung.

I can hear the child gasp in surprise while Chaeyoung helps him open the package, and I feel slightly hesitant when my sister hands me back my phone and tells me that Jimin has something he wants to tell me.

Jimin asks me to go away from Jaehyung for a bit, and when I ask him what's wrong, he lets out a loud sigh.

"I'm so sorry, Chaeyeon-ah. The other day, Taetae heard me talking to Chaeyoung, and he asked me about you."

I feel horrified as I blink at my friend, and he looks extremely exhausted, but I have no choice but to question him.

"I asked him what he meant, and... he told me that he knew I wouldn't just not talk to you if I was regularly taking to Chaeyoung... And he said he knew I wouldn't have stayed quiet when you two... you know. Broke up."

"Jimin-ah, does he know about Jae-"

"Taetae said he was going to go. He said he knows your address, and that he'd go, and I tried to convince him that that's a bad idea, but you know how stubborn he is."

"Jimin-ah, he can't come here. Jae is-"

I am interrupted when the child himself comes out into the living room. Jaehyung looks a little confused when he sees my expression, but he doesn't say anything, and instead, hands me an envelope.

"What's this?"

"It was inside the box. Noona says it's for you."

That's all he says, before he hurries back to the dining table. And when I turn to face Jimin, he looks slightly relieved.

"Yeah, I know, Chaeyeon-ah. That's why I convinced Taetae to write a letter to you, instead."

I can feel my hands trembling like crazy as soon as Jimin says that, and my friend notices my expression right away.

"Don't worry, Chaeyeon-ah. I'll make sure Jae is safe. Unless you're ready to tell Taetae now-"

"No!" It comes out as an unintentional yell, and Jimin's eyes become slightly smaller, lips pressing into a thin line.

"Okay. One more year, Chaeyeon-ah. See you later." Jimin's voice is grim, and the line goes off as he hangs up the call. It takes every ounce of my willpower to head back to the dining room, stuffing the letter into my coat pocket before I go to join the two at the table.

I am glad that both Jaehyung and Chaeyoung are too busy chattering about Jimin's present, to notice that I can barely hold my chopsticks up.

>

It's twenty minutes after five when Jaehyung and I enter home. The day is tiring and Chaeyoung greets the child who busily takes off his boots and puts away his books at the table.

"Chaeyoung-noona, I have a poster to do today." He says, which makes my sister smile and ruffle Jaehyung's hair.

"Alright. I'll study in my room, then. You can use the big desk, Jae-ah."

Sighing, I head upstairs after I hear their interaction. Jaehyung waits until I am done using the washroom, for his turn, and after a quick meal of ramyeon and rice, I head upstairs to finish some of my work files.

It's only an hour after that, when Chaeyoung steps into my room, and the tears streaming down her cheeks makes me stand up and put my pair of glasses down.

"Chae..."

"I want to disappear, Chaeyeon-ah. Jae just asked me how his dad looks like, and I..." Her voice trails off as she slumps on my bed, wiping her eyes using her long sleeve as she tries to calm down. "He's never asked that before... and that's the only reason why I'd been able to hold on. Do something about it, Chaeyeon-ah, I can't bear it."

My hands are trembling as I walk down the stairs, and Jaehyung is coloring his poster, and what he was drawing makes it very hard to keep a straight face.

A family tree.

All the spots are drawn except for one, and it pains me to see the spot beside mine remaining empty.

"Oh?" Jaehyung mumbles, when he notices me standing beside him at the table. "Is Chaeyoung-noona fine? She looked not fine."

"She... She will be fine. What did you ask her?"

"I asked Noona how Appa looks like."

And even though I knew that was exactly the reason why I was downstairs and why Chaeyoung was crying in the first place, it still hurts me when I hear those words coming directly from the child himself. Pressing my lips into a thin line, I take the seat beside his chair.

This action startles Jaehyung so much that his jaw actually drops open, big eyes wide and blinking continuously while his grip on his purple crayon comes loose.

"I can't tell you how your... Appa... looks like. But I can tell you that he...he looks a lot like you."

Jaehyung reacts with eyes going even wider, mouth forming a small 'o' while he looks at me in surprise.

"Appa looks like me?"

"... Yes."

He doesn't question it.

Jaehyung does not ask me why I can't tell him these things. He doesn't question it, instead, he questions something else.

"It's my third birthday so can I ask three other things about Appa?"

I feel myself freeze in my seat at the little boy in front of me, his big innocent eyes filled with childish curiosity, and it makes me nod a little, thankful that he doesn't demand to know who his father is.

"Is Appa nice?"

"... Yes. He's one of the nicest people in the world and someone like me doesn't deserve someone as nice and kind as him."

The big smile that formed on his face at first becomes smaller as I go along with my sentence, and by the end, he has a small frown on his face, eyes going towards the empty spot on his family tree.

"My teacher says that everyone has reasons for the way they are."

There is silence for a while after he says this because I have nothing I can say in response to something like that. Jaehyung takes this as a cue to ask his next question.

"What kind of things does Appa like to do?"

My head begins to reel and I have to look away from the curious eyes of Jaehyung that mirror his father's exactly. It takes me every ounce of will I have to not stand up and leave, and my vision starts to blur when Jaehyung begins a sketch on the empty spot on his poster.

"He likes to... he likes to take pictures, and draw."

"Appa is a lot like me, then?"

"A lot."

"What else can you tell me?"

"Appa loves to eat strawberries and play video games. He likes to watch scary movies and... and he likes songs." I stop there because of the fear of letting on too much. Jaehyung seems to understand that my pause meant that I was done with telling him as much as I could, and he nods, a little smile forming on his features as he focuses on his drawing.

"I don't like scary movies. But Appa does sound like me a lot." He smiles, looking up at me. "I have one more question."

"What is it?"

"Does Jimin-hyungnim know Appa?"

And that's the question that makes my blood freeze, and the tears welling in my eyes start to stream down. There's a lot of self-control that I have gained after the past years, but it's not enough while I start to sob loudly, and Jaehyung drops his pencil while confusion and panic filled his features.

"Eomma?" It's the first time he actually referred to me as his mother, and it kills me inside because now there are tears in his eyes and I had done nothing right towards the child for him to worry about my well-being.

"Don't cry! I'm sorry!" He says with his eyes puffy from crying. "I take it back. I am fine with two questions. The question is not important if it makes Eomma cry."

There is an ache in my chest that does not leave even when night falls and I hear Jaehyung tucking himself to bed and wishing his Tata plushie a good night.

3

Jaehyung does not question about his 'Appa' after that.

He continues his quiet self around me, being a little loud only when he converses with Chaeyoung.

And meanwhile, Chaeyoung graduates from med school, and gets accepted for the first job she applies, at the hospital two blocks from our apartment.

It's a convenient change, and the days are crossed from the calendar while I continue my job at the museum, and take Jaehyung to and from school every day.

I feel slightly less stressed and sad after my talk with the child on his birthday, even though I was barely able to tell him anything coherent. And when I tell Chaeyoung about what happened, she asks me to think about just how much happier I would be the day Jaehyung finally finds out who his dad is, and gets to meet Taehyung.

There are certain things I can never even imagine, and that was one.

Taehyung's letter remains inside my cabinet untouched for three weeks, and while my heart continues to cry and die to read it, I can't get myself to face what Taehyung has written.

Until the day Taehyung leaves another letter, this time at my post box.

It's ironic, how Jaehyung is the person I want to hide his father's identity from the most, and yet it's him who runs out to the porch to get the letter when he spots the mailman.

And then he runs inside the house, where Chaeyoung and I are seated at with our laptops, and the child hands us our mail.

"Noona, you have some mail from the hospital." The child says, handing the letters to my sister, then turning to me as he hands the sole envelope to me. "This letter is addressed to you, and it's from 'Kim Taehyung', it says."

I feel my eyes going wide at the mention, hands slipping away from the keyboard as I exchange a shocked glance with Chaeyoung before I take the letter from the boy's clutches.

The rays of the noon's sun filter through the thin curtains of my room while I rush to reach for my desk cabinet and take out the first letter I had received from Taehyung. And my hands are shaking so much that I almost tear the piece of paper itself while I remove it from the envelope covering.

Taehyung's familiar handwriting instantly makes me teary-eyed.

'Dear Chaeyeon,

It's been a while.

I thought I would have a lot of things to say now that I got the chance to finally say something to you.

But looking back, nothing has really changed.

I've changed over the years, but my feelings remain.

I wish it didn't. It would have made my life so much easier.

I have so many things I want to ask you, but I need you to be right in front of me for that.

Please let me know what I need to do so that you would answer me.

I don't want these suspicions that I have to finally take over my feelings for you. I don't think I am strong enough for that.

-Kim Taehyung'

With trembling hands, I tear open the second envelope, and my heart sinks when I see that the letter is a little longer than the first one.

'Chaeyeon-ah,

It's been three weeks and I haven't heard from you.

I'm not going to ask you if you are doing well because I know you aren't. I see you once, and I will know that something bothers you.

Why are you doing things that make you unhappy?

You were the one who told me to take small time off for myself and to enjoy the things I like, to pick up on a hobby when I was away from you on tour.

You taught me all these things, and yet, you're contradicting all of that.

I want to ask you so many things but I'm afraid of the answer.

I'm afraid you would tell me something that would cause my heart to permanently shatter.

Why do you do this, Chaeyeon-ah?

We promised that if anything bothered each other, we'd talk about it. That we would be mature about our relationship, especially because I am an idol.

I trust you. I know what you did was the by-product of something you had no choice over. But I need to know.

Because all I need is an answer. A reason, a valid reason that you're hiding from me.

A truth.

My heart will want you again, then.

It's not fair that Jiminie gets to see you and I don't.

Chaeyeon-ah, I wish to see you.'

At the bottom corner of the letter is the address to the coffee shop I used to work at, directions to the place, along with a time and date for me to meet Taehyung. And it makes my heart sink that he signed the letter yet again, even risking going so far as to writing his name on the envelope.

I don't know how long I laid on my bed clutching the letters in hand, up till Jaehyung enters the room and quietly heads to the washroom.

Collecting myself, I sit up, placing the letters on the drawer of my bedside table before taking a look at myself in the mirror.

And Taehyung was right: I'm not fine.

Jaehyung steps out of the washroom after washing up, and I can see his curious eyes on me before he climbs onto his bed. I thought that by the time I finishing washing up, myself, he'd be asleep, but the child sits in the middle of his bed, holding his Tata plushie, eyes on me while I sit at the dresser.

"What's wrong?"

Jaehyung's eyes go wide when he realizes that I caught him staring, and the boy looks slightly flustered when he looks away and scratches his head a little.

"It's... Eomma, how do you know Kim Taehyung?"

There is a dizzying feeling that I experience while I try my hardest to keep calm and control my trembling lips. I remember then that Chaeyoung had mentioned how much Jaehyung adored BTS, specially Taehyung himself, and that I should have expected the question to come eventually.

But it's a little different this time, because the only feeling I have is sadness. Empty sadness, but I can't force myself to be angry at the child. Despite not wanting anything to do with Jaehyung, it's difficult to feel hatred towards the innocent kid. He's just a child with questions and I can't blame him even though I wanted to, and run away from everything.

I can't lie to the eyes that are a mirror image of Kim Taehyung's.

"Is it something you can't tell me, too? Like the story with Appa?"

"Y-Yes. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I have another question, though."

"What is it?" I ask, dreading any question heading my way, but wanting to get it over with.

"Can I keep calling you Eomma, if you don't mind?"

"I... Alright."

A big smile forms on Jaehyung's face, giving a small nod as he lies down on his bed and leans on against the pillow.

"Okay. Goodnight, Eomma."

"Goodnight."

>

It's 7pm on an August evening and Jaehyung is seated at his desk, doing some English homework while I prepare slides for the museum. The job is not very hard and easy to go by, and pays well, being lenient enough specially after having found that I was raising a child on my own.

As the days continue to pass, I feel less bothered by Jaehyung's presence. Chaeyoung has mentioned this hundreds of times, that I would find love inside my heart for the child if I spent more time with him.

Perhaps it's the fact that he looks so much like Taehyung, that makes it better.

Earlier, it would pain me that he looked like the love of my life so much, but the thought that at least Jaehyung is here if I couldn't have Taehyung in this lifetime... That makes me feel a little better about myself.

What with the amount of child psychology classes I've attended during my study years, it's endearing to some extent, to see the little boy open up to me a little more. And perhaps I am opening up a little as well, and when I tell him about Japan and college, Jaehyung looks at me as if I'm telling him about the most wonderful things in the world.

Jaehyung's eyes are innocent and full of childish curiosity, and sometimes it pains me when he asks me something and I get hurt even though he has no intention to do so.

And... that's what makes him such a special kid, because when he notices that I am upset about something he asks, he knows to change the subject or tell me it's okay to not answer.

My mother and Chaeyoung has raised him really well in my absence.

"Eomma," Jaehyung says, making me look up from my presentation, "Can you help me with my homework?"

"Sure." I say, walking over and taking the seat beside the boy. Jaehyung points at the second question, using his pencil to scratch his head while he furrows his eyebrows.

"I don't remember what a pronoun is."

"A pronoun, in this context, is the word you use to express gender." I explain, reaching for the pencil in his clutches. "For this question, it says 'Yeri is a girl. She likes to eat ice-cream.' The pronoun here is 'she', because we can use that word instead of saying Yeri every time."

"Is that why when it's a boy, we say 'he', and 'him'?"

"Yes."

"So if there is a lot of people, we say 'they'?"

"Yes, that's correct. Good job!" I blurt out, and it's instinctive, the way my hands raise up towards the child, seeking a high five in return. Jaehyung looks startled for a moment before he smiles a little, eyes forming beautiful crescent moons while he softly presses his hand on mine.

Sighing, I reach for my laptop and pull it towards me, and I can feel Jaehyung's eyes on me as I begin typing, shocked expression on his features for a while before he shakes his head and goes back to his task.

It's quiet after that, and I'd also call it peaceful to some extent, watching the boy write sentences in slightly messy English handwriting in between making my slides.

A little while passes before there's a ring of the bell that makes me save my work and head to the door.

The person who stands outside makes me thank every entity that exists, that Jaehyung was not the person to answer the door.

"T-Taehyung?! What are you doi-"

"Chaeyeon-ah."

I'd been happy a couple moments ago, but now, seeing Taehyung wearing an oversized coat over his cashmere sweater and slacks in front of my door makes tears well in my eyes.

The way he says my name as if it's worth everything he seeks, makes it worse. I have to take two steps toward him to step outside, closing the door behind me before I take a look at the man in front of me again.

"Why? Why can't I get inside?"

Taehyung's voice has become slightly deeper from the last time I'd seen him outside Jaehyung's school, and his eyes are shining as his entire focus is on me, eyes looking down at me after I had stepped closer to him.

And like a teenager in love, my heart begins to race while I watch a lone tear stream down Taehyung's, and he looks so much like Jaehyung that my heart begins to physically pain again.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what, Chaeyeon-ah?" He asks, pulling down his scarf a little, enough for me to see his lips. "Sorry that you can't let me in, or because you can't answer any of my letters even though I know for a fact that you received them?"

"Taehyung-ah..."

"Or are you sorry that I waited at the café for you for two hours, hoping you'd come, or because even after all these years, I still want to hold you tight even though you don't want to, anymore?"

How can I answer a question like that? How could I tell Taehyung that there was nothing I want more than to have him in my arms and to cry away all my troubles, to tell him that everything was okay?

But nothing was okay, because everything I do has an impact on Taehyung's entire future, and I can't ruin everything he worked so hard for by telling him that his – our – child is inside my house, doing his homework.

"I'm so sorry, Taehyungie."

"Chae-ah. What are you hiding from me? I... Okay. If we can't get inside your house, then will you come outside with me somewhere so that we can talk?"

"Taehyungie, please don't do this..."

There's a certain dullness in his eyes that has been there even when I first looked at his eyes moments ago, but the level of darkness that there is at the current moment makes it a little scary for me, scared about making it worse, about...

"I... Okay. Please give me a minute, and then I'll step outside."

"Okay." Taehyung says, and he takes a step back before he pulls his scarf up to his nose again.

With my heart racing a mile a minute, I step inside, and Jaehyung looks confused when I grab my laptop and earphones before I run upstairs. I take a glance at myself in the mirror, and I look absolutely ridiculous but I couldn't care about that; Taehyung has already seen me looking like this, anyways.

After three soft knocks on Chaeyoung's door, it opens to reveal my sister looking absolutely tired, and it's obvious that she had been resting before I knocked.

"I'm so sorry to disturb your rest, Chae-ah, but can you keep an eye on Jaehyung while I step outside for a bit?"

"It's fine, Chaeyeon-ah. Emergency at the museum?" My sister wants to know as she follows me down the stairs.

"No. I... Don't tell Jae, but Taehyung's outside and he's... Being stubborn."

"Wait, what-"

"I'll... I'll talk later, but for now, look after Jaehyung for a bit for me, please."

Chaeyoung's eyes are wide while she nods, and she follows me up till the hallway. She looks hesitant, and from the living room, I can see Jaehyung's confused eyes on us but he doesn't say anything, and I'm thankful for the child.

"Don't lie, Chaeyeon-ah. I think you should stop lying."

"I don't have a choice, Chaeyoung-ah." I mumble, putting my shoes on before I step outside.

Taehyung is making a circle on the soil when I get out, eyes going back at me before he nods a little and motions for me to follow him. There's a silver car parked outside that looks too expensive to belong to any of my neighbors, and that's where Taehyung heads to, opening the door while I feel absolutely uncomfortable at where this was heading.

The car ride is quiet and it's ironic, how Taehyung takes me to children's park a couple blocks away from the café I'd worked at during my senior year at college. He says something inaudible to me to the driver, and the man leaves, and I find myself seated beside the love of my life on a windy Wednesday night at a park.

It's silent for a couple moments before Taehyung picks his smartphone, handing it to me after he opens up the contacts application.

"You changed your number. Give me your new one."

"Taehyung-ah, I-"

"You, Chaeyeon-ah, of all people. You changed your contacts. You deactivated all of your social media I could contact you with. You split up with me after the many years we invested into being together, and if you tell me there is no valid reason for that, I wouldn't believe you."

Silence.

"Would you believe me if I did the same? Well, it's different since I'm a public figure, but if I wasn't, and I just vanished, wouldn't you have enough trust in me to know that I would have a very big reason for that? Would you, Chaeyeon-ah?" He continues to nudge me, and I finally shake my head, frowning while trying my hardest not to cry.

"It's the same with you. I trust you. But if you don't tell me why, then I'm going to assume the worst, because that's the way that I am... Did you... Did you cheat... on me?"

"I can't even blame you for thinking that, Taehyung-ah... But no, I didn't. I can give you my life to promise you that."

"Then why were you with a child, at a preschool?"

My blood freezes at that, and I can only pray that he didn't see Jaehyung's face because it's not hard to miss, the alikeness the two share.

"I... I have my reasons, Taehyungie."

"Isn't this reason enough? Isn't the fact that after all these years, I don't want anyone but you, a reason enough for you to tell me your own reason? What do you need in return, for you to finally be honest with me? How long do I have to wait-"

"One more year."

Taehyung tilts his head, eyebrows furrowed as he looks at me, startled at my interruption.

"One... year..."

"Ten months, to be exact. I need time."

"I think I've given you enough time, but... Why ten months?"

I wondered how I could tell Taehyung that Jaehyung's birthday was in ten months, how I couldn't trust myself enough to be able to tell him about his child just yet, not when I still can't fathom the fact myself. How could I tell him about how Jimin was helping out, how he knew and Taehyung didn't?

"I can't tell you these things, Taetae." I say. Taehyung's expression softens when I use the old nickname, and I can see his frame going a little less stiff after that, as he breathes out. "I want to tell you so bad, but I don't want to ruin your future."

"My future is pretty much ruined if you aren't in it."

"Taehyung-ah, I'm referring to your career."

"That doesn't matter."

"It does matter." I state between gritted teeth. "How can you say it doesn't matter, when I've spent countless days crying because I can't bear to ruin your career? Are you saying all these years I've spent don't matter?"

"Chaeyeon-ah, I can't understand you when you just say things like that abstractly. You need to be more specific than that..."

It's a little quiet after he says that, and the only sound I can hear is the noise of the vehicles passing by.

The night is dark and Taehyung's eyes are darker while he faces me with an expression that tells me he's given up. What he's given up on, I don't know, and that makes it harder while he sighs loudly, running a hand through his dark hair.

"I've waited this long anyways, what's ten months? I guess I have no choice, huh? I'll wait for you." Taehyung says, standing up, hands inside his pockets. "I know you have a proper reason, so I'm hoping we can be together from that day onwards."

"You wouldn't want to be with me after I tell you." I mumble under my breath, yet, Taehyung hears me.

"There's only a couple things you could've done that would make me not want to be with you." He says, blinking while he watches me stand up. "And I trust you enough to know you wouldn't have done anything like that. At least... I really hope so."

The tears welling in my eyes finally stream down when Taehyung presses his lips against my forehead and wishes me a good night. And then he walks away to where his car is waiting for him, and the entire park falls all silent again while my heart continues to cry.

4

He doesn't question it.

Jaehyung does not question my odd behavior on the day Taehyung had paid a visit. Instead, he takes a deep interest in drawing, asking for more sketchpads.

It's a Sunday morning when he wants to know if he can ask for a gift for Christmas.

"It's only September, but... Okay, what do you have in mind?" I ask, setting breakfast on the table.

"Yeah! What would you like this year, Jae-ah?" Chaeyoung wants to know, eyes on the little boy who takes out the stack of textbooks from the cabinet and brings it to his chair like usual.

"It's... It's a bit expensive."

"That's what Christmas is for! Tell me, maybe I can- I mean, Santa can get it for you!" Chaeyoung says with a big smile, as she spreads butter on her toast.

Jaehyung takes a cautious glance at me, and I give him a nod which makes him clam down a little.

"I want to ask for a camera, if that's okay with you."

There's silence at the table for a while as Chaeyoung and I exchange looks, and Jaehyung's eyes are wide while he fumbles with his fingers.

"I... I don't need a very fancy one. It doesn't need to be so expensive, really... I just... Want a camera I can take pictures with."

"Alright. Okay. I'll get you a camera. But why are you asking for one, suddenly?"

"Did you start studying something like photography at school?" Chaeyoung wants to know, and Jaehyung shakes his head.

"I... Because Eomma..."

"Me?"

Chaeyoung's eyes are wide, and I'm not sure if it is so because she still can't get over the fact that I don't mind the child calling me Eomma, or the fact that Jaehyung's reason is me.

"It's because Eomma told me. That Appa likes to take pictures."

It's difficult to express the feelings I felt at that, because my heart feels warm at the sincere thought the boy had, and the amount of innocence in Jaehyung's eyes makes me have to turn around with the excuse of taking more toast for the table.

"Your... Jae-ah, your Appa likes taking pictures?"

"Yeah, Chaeyoung-noona! Eomma told me he likes drawing and video games and strawberries and songs too! I like all of those, Appa is a lot like me! So I want a camera to see if I like doing that too, and check if I have that in common with Appa as well."

"I love you, Jae-ah." Chaeyoung says out of the blue, and when I turn around to see my sister, she is teary-eyed while she smiles at the boy.

"I love you too, Noona!" Jaehyung smiles back, and I have to keep the pan away and head back upstairs, to my room.

"Chae-ah? Where are you going?"

"I'll be back in a minute." I call, heading straight to my cupboard and pulling out one of the drawers. If I recall correctly, I had placed it somewhere around here...

"Found it!" I reach for the small camera, still safe in its small bag, and hurry downstairs.

"Chae-ah?"

Waving the camera in hand, I appear in front of the two seated at the table. When Jae spots the camera in my hand, his eyes go wide, blinking multiple times before he reaches and takes the device in his clutches.

"This is?"

"That's my old camera. Oh wait, give it back for a second." I say, remembering that the memory card holds pictures of Taehyung himself. "There. It's been used a bit because Appa got it as a birthday present for me, hoping I'd like to take pictures like he did... We were different, I guess, I wasn't as passionate as he was."

Jaehyung looks at in awe while I tell him this, and Chaeyoung's eyes are wide as well, it's hard to tell whose eyes are bigger at that second. And it's amusing and makes me smile a little, and Jaehyung puts the camera aside carefully before he faces me again.

"I can't wait to start taking pictures."

"Yeah, now you can use that one until we get you a new one for Christm-"

"I'm fine with this. This is the best camera I can ever have." Jaehyung says, smiling at the camera with a fond look while I put the memory card inside my jeans pocket. "I don't want a new one. I want this."

"We can buy a memory card when we come back home from school tomorrow." I say, trying to control the overwhelming emotions that take over my head.

"Thank you so much, Eomma. I love you."

Jaehyung eats his food with a big smile even though I can't exactly reply to his words.

>

The first picture that Jaehyung takes is a snapshot of me.

He waits until I am seated at a bench at the park a few blocks away from his school, and then he takes a picture of me.

"What are you doing?!"

"Eomma, can I leave my schoolbag here?" He asks, taking the bag off and placing it beside me on the bench. Before I can say anything else, he runs towards the big oak tree at the center of the park.

He spends the day at the park, turning to take pictures of the sky when the sun begins to set.

"Sunrises would look nice too." I say, holding the boy's bag while he goes through the collection of pictures he'd taken for the day.

"Can we go and see the sunrise one day?"

"Yeah, sure."

Jaehyung beams, showing me the screen of his device, and I see that it's the picture he'd snapped of me at first.

"Why did you take my picture?"

"Because you're my Eomma. What else can I take a picture of, first?"

I don't know what kind of education he's receiving at his school, or if it's just a talent he's born with, but Kim Jaehyung is really good with words, enough to make me, a language major, myself, feel jealous. I have nothing to say in response while we continue to walk back home.

"Eomma, I have another question to ask, about Appa. If you can answer..."

"What is it?"

"What kind of pictures does Appa like to take?"

It takes me a moment to think about the kind of pictures Taehyung posts on Twitter, and a smile forms on my face as I recall the many times we had been on dates and he would peek his phone out to take a snap of the sky.

"I think he likes to take aesthetic pictures with his friends."

"Aes... what?"

"Aesthetic. It means pleasing to the eye. He likes to ask his friends to pose at the center of a pretty background and he'd take their pictures."

"I hope that one day I can meet Appa."

"Do you really want to meet him?"

"Yes. Then we can share the pictures we've taken, I want to show him the things I took pictures of, today."

It's a strange feeling that settles at the pit of my stomach, and I sigh, watching Jaehyung put on his bookbag and put his camera away.

"Eomma, I have another question for you."

"About Appa?"

"No, about you."

When I raise an eyebrow, Jaehyung's hands clutch tightly to the strap of his bag, his gaze fixed on his feet.

"Yeah?"

"Do you still hate me? Or are you not angry with me now?"

I freeze at his direct question, and Jaehyung walks a couple steps before he realizes that I have stopped walking.

At this point in time, I wonder just why on Earth I was angry at the child, I think about all the days I had wasted, the two and a half years I'd missed to see him grow, and I have so many regrets, so many of them.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because you didn't talk with me at first."

"I..."

"My teacher once told me that some people don't talk with us because they don't like us or is upset about something we did. My friend Minjae also didn't talk to me at first and I was sad. But then I worked really hard and tried to talk more with him and now we are really good friends." Jaehyung explains. "I thought I did something to upset you, but now you are not angry with me, that's why you talk with me now."

Poor Jaehyung. All of this was my fault, for not handling the situation better, and the poor child had to go through sad feelings like that. I could recall my mom telling me that there would be a day where I would understand, and as I watched Jaehyung's big eyes blinking up at me, I could understand exactly what she had meant.

"No. I wasn't angry at you. I was angry at myself. I was just upset with myself and I didn't know better than to take it out on you. Don't ever do something like that, okay? I'm sorry that I made you feel that way."

"It's okay. I know you didn't mean it."

And at that moment, I silently thank my mom, who was a blessing and didn't dare let Jaehyung go to an orphanage.

While I watch the way the kid happily puts away his shoes and runs to show Chaeyoung the pictures he took earlier, I realize that I can't imagine my life without Jaehyung, anymore.

"Jae-ah?"

"Yes?" The child pauses at the steps, turning around to face me with an expectant expression on his face – the face that looks like a miniature mirror image of Taehyung's.

"On your next birthday..." I start, and his eyes go wide at the mention, "Would you like to see your Appa?"

The camera in Jaehyung's clutches falls to the ground with a 'plop' sound, and he hurries to step down and take it quickly, sighing in relief that it was safe in its small bag. And then, he looks up at me with wider eyes than I've ever seen on the child, and his mouth is in the shape of an 'o' as he continues to blink at me in shock.

"I... I can meet Appa?"

"Would you like to?"

"Yes, I want to!" He says, and it's only then that I notice the tears welling in his eyes as he hurries near me and wraps himself around me while he lets out little sobs.

"Thank you, Eomma! You're the best- Ah!" His clinging to me is interrupted when the door to Chaeyoung's room opens, and my sister steps outside, hands on her hips.

"What's all the ruckus? What's going on, I want to cuddle too!"

"Noona! Chaeyoung-noona, Chaeyoung-noona, Chaeyoung-noona! Eomma said I can go to meet Appa on my next birthday!" He yells, racing up the stairs. Chaeyoung allows the boy to give him a big hug, and the smile she gives me while she does so is the same look she's given during my high school graduation: full of admiration, and sisterly love in a way I can never explain and can never ever forget.

When Jaehyung goes into my room to get changed, Chaeyoung comes down the stairs, wrapping her own arms around me and patting my hair softly.

"I'm so proud of you, Chaeyeon-ah. I hope everything goes well."

"Thank you, Chaeyoung-ah. Thank you for sticking by me and making sure I didn't lose sight of the most important things."

"Thank you for giving Jae a chance, I told you he's easy to love."

"He is, really. I'm glad I did, too."

We are interrupted when the door to my room flies open, and Jaehyung steps outside after changing, and he has the camera in his hand.

"Noona, do you want to see the pictures I took today?"

"You bet I do!" She responds, and in the midst of the two watching the pictures and me making dinner for them, I end up crying, but this time, my tears are the by-product of me being so happy that I can barely handle it; it's a feeling I'd missed for a long time, the feeling only one thing can give me.

Family.

arc 04

1

Winter break started right on my birthday, and after Chaeyoung and Jaehyung's unsuccessful attempt to surprise me, I had spent the first half hour of my birthday eating cake the two had prepared.

Mom comes to visit for the holidays, and she almost chokes on her slice of cake when she hears Jaehyung call me Eomma and see us converse naturally. And I can't even blame her because it's the same for me, and I still feel a little odd knowing Jaehyung and I could be even closer if I hadn't left for Japan and left him here, or at least taken him with me.

"You can't undo the past, Chaeyeon-ah," Mom reminds me, while the two of us have coffee after both Chaeyoung and Jaehyung have gone to bed one night, "But you can try and make the present and the future better."

"I'm trying my best, Mom. It really helps, that Jaehyung is well-disciplined."

"Honestly, he's calm and collected, until he talks about something he's really interested in, like his new set of acrylic colors or that new camera he's got. He told me it was a gift from Taehyung?"

"It was, yes."

"Speaking of Taehyung, when will you...?"

"Jae's birthday. I'm fine with the way things are, but he really wants to meet his Appa, and Taehyung wants to know why we split up, and there's the thing Jiminie said so I feel like his birthday is the time. I promised both Jiminie and Taehyung that I will, that day."

"It'll go well. I just know it. I trust Taehyung, and even more so with Jaehyung. So I have hope that it'll be fine."

"I... I hope it goes fine too... I hope Taehyung doesn't have to face problems because of this."

"Of course Taehyung will face problems because of this. Especially because you two aren't married, and this is Korea." Mom chuckles when she sees my face darkening at her words. "He'll face problems. But he's a man, and he's a really good man. He's a strong one. He won't let the bad take the good in things."

I hadn't seen Taehyung since the day at the park, but my love for him somehow increased so much over the time that passed.

>

"Hi, Jiminie-ah."

"Hi, Chaeyeon-ah. This is the first time you asked me for a video call. Is everything alright?"

I laugh at my friend's response, and Jimin loosens up a little when he senses nothing wrong from my expression.

"You look so much better now. So happy, too."

"I am happy, Jiminie. Thank you for calling me back."

"Of course. I'm sorry I couldn't call earlier, I was at work and- Why did you ask me to call you, Chaeyeon-ah?" Jimin asks, raising his eyebrows and resting his right cheek on his hand.

"I have three things to say."

"Yeah?"

"I want to say thank you." I say, putting on a smile and leaning my phone against the desk, "Thank you for being my friend even when I did something so mean to your best friend."

Jimin sits up straight at my words, eyes going a little bigger at the topic I brought up.

"I'm thankful for all the encouraging words you said, I'm grateful that you forced me to agree to tell Taehyung everything on Jae's fourth birthday, because I think I'll be completely ready to tell him by then."

"Chaeyeon-ah..."

"I'm grateful for you for looking over Jae all this time, for continuing to fund for Jae even though I am here and well now, even though I asked you not to... Thank you for treating him well like your own, and for loving my sister the way you do."

Jimin looks all choked up at my words, face flushing a little red when I mention the last part.

"I did nothing! I don't know what you're talking about!" Jimin says, the screen going black and I laugh because I can tell he needs some time to compose himself, so I wait until he lifts his phone up again and looks at me.

"I'm so grateful for you, Park Jiminie-ah. Thank you for being such a close friend, thank you for being such a good uncle to Jaehyung, and thank you for being such a wonderful boyfriend for Chaeyoung."

"How long have you known about this, oh my God. This is embarrassing. I didn't mean to not tell you, but... aargh this is embarrassing."

"I'm the sister, so of course I'd find out." I giggle, and Jimin sighs, chuckling a little before he nods.

"You're welcome, Chaeyeon-ah. I didn't do all these because I'm nice. All my feelings are genuine. What's the next thing you wanted to tell?"

It makes me a little nervous, sighing a little before I ask if Taehyung is around.

Jimin's eyes go wide at that, head tilting to the left before he focuses his look at the screen again.

"He's in the next room. Probably reading some manhwa."

"Can you let me speak to him a little?"

My sentence is not even halfway finished when Jimin gets up on his feet, dashing out to the lobby of the hotel they're staying at and then I hear muffled noises while he covers the screen for a little.

And then, the screen is uncovered, and he has no makeup on, but Kim Taehyung smiles at the screen and he's so beautiful that I can barely get myself to say hello.

"Chaeyeon-ah... Hi."

"Hi, Taehyungie. Happy birthday."

Taehyung's smile goes wider and I see his teeth as he gives his infamous boxy smile at me as he mumbles a little 'thank you'.

"This means a lot to me, honestly. I didn't expect this at all," Taehyung speaks, "I sent you a letter for your birthday but I don't think it reached you on time."

"I received it. And I wanted to wait till today to say thank you."

"God. I love you so much, Chaeyeon-ah. It isn't fair."

I'm thinking of what to say in response when I hear the front door opening. Jaehyung must be home with Chaeyoung after their outing to the beach, and I turn back to the screen.

"I... I have to go. I have to go, but I promise I'll talk with you soon."

"I'll wait for you."

"And... Jimin has my number. You can... yeah."

"I'll do that, Chaeyeon-ah."

I hear the noise of Jaehyung's footsteps on the staircase, and I give an awkward wave at the screen, mumbling a low 'goodbye' before I can hang up the phone right before the boy opens the door.

My heart doesn't stop racing even after dinner and Jaehyung is all tucked in bed.

A text arrives at my phone, and all it says is 'hi', but it makes me smile, knowing who it was from. And that gives me an idea as I glance at Jaehyung who is reading a storybook.

"Jae-ah?"

"Yes, Eomma?" He asks, putting the book down and turning to look at me.

"Come here for a bit."

Jaehyung looks a little surprised, but puts his book on the blanket before he walks to my bed and then gets up onto the duvet.

"What's wrong, Eomma?"

"Nothing is wrong. Do you know what day it is?"

"It's December... 30th?"

My hands are trembling a little as I put my smartphone down and look at the child wearing banana print pajamas matching my own, and my heart almost gives out before I can finally say the words out.

"Today is your Appa's birthday."

"Oh....?" There's a look of confusion on his face as he squints is eyes.

"Today is the birthday of your Appa. Can you run and bring me my laptop so I can show you a picture of him from one of his birthdays from before?"

Jaehyung has never moved as fast as he did then, dashing towards my desk and taking the laptop, and I when I connect the memory card that was previously in the camera Jaehyung owns now, my hands begin to tremble in excitement.

I press the first picture that was in the camera roll, and my heart is so full as I see the picture Taehyung had captured of the two of us.

Taehyung is making his infamous peace sign, hand against his face while he smiles and holds the camera. And we both have barely any makeup on, looking slightly grubby in our oversized clothing and hoodies while we tried to blend with the rest of the people at the café we were at... But we both had been smiling so brightly as if nothing else mattered, and while I watch Jaehyung's eyes widen while he looks at the picture on display, I can tell that nothing else mattered for him, as well.

"Appa..."

"Your Appa is called Kim Taehyung. He's a member of BTS." I say quietly, and Jaehyung extends a hand out, hand resting against the screen where Taehyung's face is smiling at. He takes a couple more moments to study the picture with a shocked expression on his face, and then he turns to face me with big blinking eyes.

"That is Appa?"

"Yes. So yes, Jimin knows your Appa."

"Jimin-hyungnim... Taehyung-hyungnim is not my hyungnim, but he's my Appa?"

I give a nod, ruffling Jaehyung's dark hair as he looks at me with his lips pursed a little. "Yes. Do you understand me a little, Jae-ah? This is why I can't really talk about this, this is why I can't let you meet your Appa just yet, because he's famous and busy all the time and we can't ruin his career."

"Why would my presence ruin Appa's career?"

"Because his fans might get upset."

"Because they don't like me?" Jaehyung queries, and that's a difficult question to respond to because the actual answer could be yes, but I couldn't tell him that.

"Because they don't know you, and you appeared out of nowhere."

"I didn't appear out of nowhere, I was always here." Jaehyung mumbles softly. I can tell from the way his eyes head down to his fingers which he was fumbling with, that he was a little upset.

"Yeah. It's going to take some time. But I want you to be happy because your Appa is a wonderful person and he's going to love you. You want to meet Appa and show him the pictures you took, don't you?"

Jaehyung looks up from his fingers, glancing at me before he turns to look at the picture once again, and a small smile forms on his face when he presses the right arrow and finds another picture of Taehyung laughing, which I had captured.

"Appa and I have alike names. I really like Appa. He invented Tata." Jaehyung says, pointing at his plushie resting on his duvet.

"Yes, Appa is a nice person. And I want you to be happy about knowing who your Appa is, because I'm excited for your birthday when you can finally meet him."

"I'm excited too, Eomma. Oh... Today really is Appa's birthday, I saw those billboard adverts when I was out today even!"

"Yes, Jae-ah. It is Appa's birthday."

"Can I make a birthday card for Appa?" He wants to know.

"Go ahead."

Jaehyung gets off from my bed, putting away my laptop and then taking out his coloring box and markers. When I tell him not to stay up for long, he tells me he won't, even though I know he would.

The next morning, when I wake up, there's a small envelope with the words 'For my Appa', resting on the desk beside my laptop.

>

As the days passed on, Jaehyung spends more time writing, rather than anything else. By mid-April and for his new school year to start, he has twelve letters written out in careful Hangul.

"When I get to meet Appa, I can give these to him." Jaehyung says, as he puts down another letter into the small drawer under the desk. "I didn't write every day because Appa is a celebrity and he must be very busy all the time."

"That's very thoughtful of you."

"Noona is out with Jimin-hyungnim, I wonder if Appa has an off day today, too."

"I bet he does, too."

"Eomma, do you talk to Appa?"

The question sounds too delicate to answer, because I do converse with Taehyung occasionally via texts, but I couldn't get myself to do another video call, much less a voice call, since his birthday. Perhaps it was the overwhelming feelings that I had on his birthday that got me the guts to call him then, but Taehyung sounds fine over text as well, not prying into my life even though he mentions that he has a countdown going on for June.

And when he asked if there was an exact date and I told him it was the 10th, he doesn't question it.

He doesn't question it, but instead, he simply tells me that he will wait.

"Sometimes. I think I can talk better with him after he meets you." I let him know, and the boy gives me an understanding nod. "Since Chaeyoung is out, do you want to go out and eat somewhere, today?"

"Yeah! Can I bring my camera along?"

Jaehyung is fast to run upstairs to pick his camera when I nod, and the day is windy while the two of us make our way out to one of our mutual favorite restaurants that serve spicy ramyeon.

That's a point where Jaehyung is different from his father and alike me; Taehyung couldn't handle too much spicy food, unlike the two of us.

The meal is over before long, and I follow Jaehyung as we make our way out of the restaurant. It's when he stops and steps aside, that I look at him in confusion, and he mumbles something under his breath which makes me have to ask him to repeat himself.

"You go first, Eomma."

It's a tiny action, but it makes my heart feel warm in ways I can't express even if I tried to, and when we step outside onto the street, Jaehyung holds onto the corner of my coat and gives me a satisfied smile.

It makes me pull his clutch from my coat away, and when I take hold of his hand instead, Jaehyung's big eyes go a little wide, and he continues to watch me until we head back home.

The day is warm and the air-conditioning unit is on low while Jaehyung tucks himself to bed and says the two sentences he never fails to repeat every night.

"Goodnight, Eomma. I love you."

2

There's a cake on the counter, decorated with four green candles when Jaehyung steps downstairs, and he has a big grin on his face while he watches me and Chaeyoung clap our hands and sing him the birthday song.

And he's a bit teary-eyed while he blows the candles and looks at us with a wide smile, the sounds of laughter filling the living room while we eat cake.

While Chaeyoung brings out her present for the boy, I head upstairs to get ready for bed. There's a message waiting for me, and it's from Taehyung, and it sends chills down my spine in positive excitement.

'It's the 10th of June.'

'Can you pay me a visit tomorrow evening?'

It takes a while before I receive a reply.

'Where? At your house?'

'Yes.'

'Alright. I talked to our manager and he says he can free it for me. I did ask for a leave for this date so I'm pretty sure I can go.'

Before I can respond, Jaehyung knocks on the door before he opens it, entering the room with a box of watercolors and a big smile on his features as he walks in. When I put my phone down and turn to face him, he puts his present on the desk and looks at me with his face filled with anticipation.

"It's my birthday, Eomma."

"Yes, it is. Are you ready for tomorrow?"

"Yes, I am!" Jaehyung exclaims, pulling out the small stack of letters he's written for Taehyung. "I have some things I painted and drew, too! Do you think Appa will like them?"

"I'm sure Appa will love them. Now hurry, get dressed and get on your bed. It's time to sleep."

Jaehyung nods, putting the stack back in the desk drawer, and he hurries to brush his teeth before he gets back on his bed.

"Eomma?"

"Yeah?"

"No wonder Chaeyoung-noona got me a Tata plushie."

>

Jaehyung's birthday is a windy Thursday, and the museum gives me the day off after lunch break on occasion of the child's birthday. After he finishes school, we walk back home with takeout, and Jaehyung gives me a knowing look when we finish dinner and he still hasn't met his father.

"When?" He finally asks, and it's 7pm and Chaeyoung has long ago retired to her room to finish some work from the hospital.

"I have a lot of things to talk with your Appa before I can let you meet him," I let him know, when I see Taehyung's text that he was in his car on his way here, "So I want you to be patient and wait with Chaeyoung-noona until I call you. Will you do that for me?"

"Yes, okay Eomma. Can I borrow your laptop to pick out some pictures for Appa, meanwhile?"

"Sure."

Jaehyung gives an affirmative nod before he takes my laptop and hurries to dash to Chaeyoung's room.

"Jae-ah?"

"Yes, Eomma?" He asks, hugging my laptop in his clutches as he turns to look at me.

"I love you."

It takes a moment for my words to sink in, and I notice the way my laptop shakes in his clutches as he scrunches his face and walks up to me, looking up at me with a tearful expression before he wraps one hand around me.

"I love you too, Eomma. That's the first time you told me that. Thank you. This is already the best birthday of mine." He says, wiping his face while I ruffle his hair and give him a smile.

"Now go ahead," I say, hearing the knock at the front door. "And keep your promise, no coming out of Chaeyoung's room until I say so. No peeking."

"Okay, Eomma." He says, and then he goes inside my sister's room while I sigh and make my way down the stairs.

My hands are shaking as I open the door, and I can barely hold myself upright while I take in Taehyung looking at me, a scarf around the bottom half of his face like the last time. And he looks so, so beautiful, and he looks so, so much like Jaehyung that my legs feel like jelly when I step aside and allow the man to enter.

Taehyung nods, taking off his shoes and leaving them at the cabinet, and his coat makes a squeaky noise when he bends down and stands upright, eyes never leaving me as he follows me out to the living room. He waits cautiously till I motion for him to take a seat at the couch, and then he takes off his coat and sits down, brown sweatpants paired with his cream sweater making me feel so overwhelmed that I have to excuse myself to bring him something to drink.

"I'm fine, you don't need to bring me anything, Chaeyeon-ah, just sit here with me."

"I... I intend to keep you here for a while tonight, so... please wait." I say, and then I head to the kitchen, opening the refrigerator and pulling out the jug of vanilla bean latte that I had made earlier. And while I pour the drink into two mugs and bring them out to the living room, I am reminded time and again about how much Taehyung had in common with Jaehyung – the two even shared their favorite drinks.

"Is this what I think it is?"

"Yeah, your favorite." I let him know, and Taehyung smiles, accepting the mug and taking a sip.

It's silent for a couple moments after that, the two of us not really looking at each other or speaking, instead taking small sips from our mugs. And when Taehyung slightly loses his stiffness and shifts himself so that he is facing me, I know exactly what he wants to say.

"I'm here to listen. Tell me."

My hands are shaking as I put the mug on the coffee table and turn to face the man, and by God, Taehyung looks so beautiful that it's hard to keep eye contact with him for too long, and I have to look at his arms which he has crossed over his chest while he leans against the couch.

"Remember how I told you that I had to leave you because I didn't want to ruin your career?"

"I didn't come here for you to repeat the same things over again, Chaeyeon-ah."

"Please just listen to me, Taehyungie." I say, and my heart hurts a little while I look at his face, his dark hair growing out up to the base of his neck, and he looks so wonderful while he looks slightly confused at my words. "It's been almost five years, four of which I knew I had to tell you this, but it's so hard for me. I want you to try and understand me."

"Okay. I'm listening, Chaeyeon-ah." Taehyung says, and he uncrosses his arms, offering his hands out towards me. My heart is racing while I put my hands in his, and the way he inches a little closer to me and waits for me to speak makes it hard to say anything, much less think straight.

"How do I begin to explain everything to you, Taetae-ah? I've been thinking that I can hide this from you for the rest of our lives, that we can be together in our next life, even though we couldn't be in this..." I say, and Taehyung tenses a little, eyebrows furrowing as I continue, "I didn't want to ruin your career that you worked so hard for, because we live in Korea and your fans always get riled up even when something as simple as a dating rumor arises."

"Our fans did have suspicions that I was dating someone, but no one really found out that it was you that I was dating... How does this relate to your reason?"

"Taehyungie, for the past four years, I've been, kind of... I've been raising a child."

Taehyung's grip on my hand tightens, and it's painful enough that I can sense my hands bruising, his grip is that tight while his eyes go wide.

"W-What?! Chaeyeon-ah, you told me you didn't cheat on m-"

"I didn't cheat on you, Taehyung-ah."

"You... You got married after you dumped me?"

"Dumped is a harsh word..." I say, looking away from his all scrunched up face and trying to break free from his grip. Taehyung, sensing this, grips tighter, and when I look at his face again, I can see his eyes clouding a little.

"That's what you did."

"Taehyung-ah, I didn't get married. But yes, I'm raising my child."

"So that kid was yours... God, Chaeyeon-ah, you got a child out of wedlock?"

"We got a child out of wedlock, Taehyung-ah. We. You and I."

It feels like a very heavy burden had been lifted off from my chest when I finally say this, and I can look at Taehyung in the eyes as his eyes light up again, widening as he blinks rapidly and I can feel his hands trembling while his lips part a little. I have a million thoughts running through my head, one of it being why on Earth I'd waited this long to finally tell the love of my life that we had a wonderful child together.

"W-What are y-you saying....?" He stutters, and I have never, ever seen Taehyung's eyes so wide before in the seven or so years I'd known him. It's comforting, the way I can smile and pat his hair while he begins to shake underneath my touch.

"Would you like to meet him?"

"I have a child?! That too, a boy?" Taehyung yells, and I press a finger to my lips, hushing him a little. This only makes Taehyung's eyes widen even more as he glances towards the staircase, then back at me again. "He... He's here?"

"Of course he's here, he's my child after all."

"How can I be... sure that he really is my child...?"

It's a question I had surely expected, but it still makes my heart hurt a little, anyways.

"You just need to give him one look. It's hard to miss... Anyone who knows you can tell that he's your child."

"Chaeyeon-ah, how could you not tell me something as important as this by just- I want to see him!" Taehyung gets up, and even though he looks excited, I can still feel him trembling a little, the shock too sudden for him.

"Please calm down first, he's upstairs so you can meet him. But calm down first and talk with me before you meet him. It's his birthday today, and we don't want to shock him too much, do we?"

"Oh my God. It's his birthday today?" Taehyung slips back down on the couch, eyes wavering as he looks at my face, at my hands, before he shakes his head in frustration. "How could you hide something like this from me?"

"Please understand where I am coming from, Taehyungie. I barely started my senior year at college when I found out, it was my most important year. It was an important year for you, too, because that was when you guys released Wings, and you were so busy with your world tour and you guys were finally getting the acknowledgement that you deserved."

"Chaeyeon-ah, what-"

"And you got nominated for a Billboard award too. For the first time. If people found out you were dating me, and then found out that I was pregnant on top of that, it would have ruined your entire career, Taehyungie. You worked so many years for that, and I-"

"It doesn't matter to me. I would choose my child over my career-"

"And that's exactly why I had to break up with you, Taehyung-ah. Because I knew you loved me so much, I knew you would choose me and our child over your career, but don't you understand? You aren't on your own, your actions reflect all six of the other members of Bangtan."

Taehyung stays silent after I say that, eyes on his shoes while he has a big frown on his face. Tears begin to stream down his face and it's a difficult sight to see, such a beautiful and handsome man crying so much.

"I... How can I ruin seven lives just like that? And it's not only seven, what about all the hard work all your managers and Bang-pdnim had put on you? It was the best this way, Taehyungie, I didn't want to tell you about this, ever. I wanted to live like this for as long as Bangtan goes on, if not, longer..."

"How did Jiminie find out?"

"He visited me at work and he found out. I had to beg him not to tell you, even though he wanted me to."

Taehyung grits his teeth together, and I can see anger bubbling up in his eyes as he speaks. "Jimin didn't tell me even though he knew something like this?"

"Don't get angry with Jiminie, Taetae-ah... I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Jiminie. He told me that he understood where I was coming from, but he gave me a deadline... Today."

"Today?"

"He told me that he didn't want to hide something as major as this from you, but he will wait till the fourth birthday of our child so that I can tell you this myself... Like I'm doing right now."

By the end of my sentence, Taehyung wipes his face clear from the tears, and his eyes are reddened as he looks at me and tries to compose himself.

"And like I said, I wouldn't be here if Jimin wasn't here for me. He supported me and didn't tell me I was bad for taking this decision. I know it's bad, but I needed someone to understand why I was doing what I did."

"I'm not angry at you for what happened, I'm so upset that I didn't know I have a child until so many years passed... I wish you told me, I wish Jiminie told me, I wish..."

"After Jiminie did that, and even when I left for my Master's degree, he continued funding for our child even when I told him it was fine, he did that even when I came back two years later and got a job even. Jimin said it was his responsibility because he was your best friend, and... And... Taehyungie," I say, my voice breaking a little, "Jae-ah has grown up to be such a wonderful little boy, just like you."

"J-Jae?"

"Kim Jaehyung."

Taehyung's a man and he has ego and he tries his best not to cry unless he has to, but it seemed like right now, he couldn't handle the overwhelming feelings he was feeling then, and he breaks out crying, not quietening down even when I wrap my arms around him.

"I'm so glad you're not leaving, I don't want you to do anything or change anything. I'm just glad you're not angry, I'm glad you're staying, Taehyung-ah."

"I want to meet him." Taehyung mumbles, blinking up at me while I wipe his face and rest my hand against his chin. "God, you must have been suffering a lot by yourself, haven't you? You must be so angry with me, you... Oh God, Chaeyeon-ah, how did... I'm the worst father."

Running my hands through his hair, I hush the man, and I feel overwhelmed as I ask him to follow me upstairs. And it feels like the first time that Taehyung holds my hand, but he's done that so many times and yet I'm so nervous while we walk upstairs and he enters my room.

"This here," I say, pointing at Jaehyung's bed, "Is where he sleeps. We share this room."

Taehyung's gaze follows to where I point at, and I feel his eyes softening when he sees the sole Tata plushie sitting by Jaehyung's pillows.

"He's got Tata even..."

"And, he also makes his bed every day."

"Unlike me." Taehyung jokes, and I laugh, feeling a little better to see him loosening up a little. And yet, when I ask him to take a seat at my bed and wait while I get Jaehyung, I can feel him tensing up again.

"Where is he at?"

"He's with Chaeyoung. I'll bring him."

"I haven't met Chaeyoung in ages, too..." I hear him say, and I give him a nod before I step outside to the hallway and walk towards Chaeyoung's room. My heart is racing as I open the door, and Jaehyung is seated at the desk, using my laptop while Chaeyoung is sprawled on her bed with her own laptop.

"Chae-ah?"

I glance at Jaehyung, whose big eyes blink continuously, waiting for me to speak. Instead, I step inside, sitting on Chaeyoung's bed and my sister sits up and looks at me.

"What is it?"

"He's... In my room. Chae-ah, can you give me a few minutes with Jae, and go say hello to Taehyungie?" I ask. Chaeyoung nods, closing the lid of her laptop and sitting up instantly.

"I was hoping I could meet him for a bit." She says, and then she leaves the room, and I can see Jaehyung's eyes on me.

"Ready to meet Appa?"

"I have a pen drive of pictures I took, for Appa." He says, closing the lid of my laptop and getting off the chair. "Eomma, I don't need the books on the chair at the kitchen anymore, right? I'm four now."

"Yeah, you don't. You're a big boy now, right?" I say, and Jaehyung nods, reaching his hand out towards me and I take it. And it makes me so nervous while I hold onto my laptop with one hand and to my child's hand with my other as we step outside my sister's room. My hands are trembling when Chaeyoung steps outside, and it makes me feel a little better that Jaehyung looks as nervous as me and that I'm not the only one.

Taehyung's eyes are wide and set on the two of us as we both step inside. It's amusing to some extent, the way I let go of Jaehyung's hand, and the boy quietly walks to the desk and puts the pen drive and his camera safely on the desk, eyes never leaving Taehyung as he does so. When I put my laptop away, Taehyung motions for Jaehyung to come over near him, and the boy glances at me before he walks towards him quietly.

"Hi," Taehyung speaks first, sitting down on the floor to reach up to eye-level with the little boy, "My name is Kim Taehyung. What's yours?"

"Jaehyung. I'm Kim Jaehyung, and I'm four years old."

Taehyung smiles so widely at that, his hands reaching to hold onto both of Jaehyung's shoulders, and it looks like he's at a loss of words, unable to notice when I sit down at Jaehyung's neatly-made bed.

"Eomma told me that you're my Appa." Jaehyung mumbles, and he has such a beautiful smile on his face that is like a mirror-image of Taehyung's at that same moment, and perhaps he felt the same thing too, because Taehyung nods, showing his teeth as he grins.

"Yeah. I'm your Appa." Taehyung says, and then he wraps his arms around Jaehyung, pulling him into a tight hug which the child instantly reciprocates, their sobs simultaneous in unison and it makes the tears welling in my own eyes to stream down as well.

It's after a few more moments when the two calm down, and Jaehyung is the first one to do so, breaking away from their hug before he speaks. "Appa, I have something for you."

"Yeah?"

Jaehyung walks towards the desk where I am seated at, beaming at me while he opens the drawer and pulls out the letters and his sketchbook, then picking up his pen drive before he walks towards Taehyung again.

"I made these for you, Appa."

"Oh? What are these?" Taehyung asks, taking the letters in hand and taking a glance at the sketch pad.

"Those are letters I started to write for you."

"You wrote me letters? I'm very touched... I didn't write anything for you, though." Taehyung says, his face falling a little as he glances at me, then at Jaehyung.

"It's okay. Even I was able to start writing and drawing things for you because Eomma told me who you are."

"Yeah?" Taehyung says, and his phone begins to buzz while I search for a bag to put the things Jaehyung had given. "Looks like I have to go for today, even though I really want to stay for longer and talk to you all night, Jaehyung-ah."

"It's okay. I know you're busy, Appa."

"Jaehyung-ah, I love when you call me Appa."

"That's because you are my Appa, after all." Jaehyung states. Taehyung exchanges a glance with me as he chuckles in his deep baritone, accepting the bag I hand and putting everything Jaehyung had given to him inside the bag.

"I'm going to have to go home right now, but as soon as I do, I will read all these." Taehyung says, lifting the bag a little, and the child smiles at him proudly. "Is there a reason you gave me a sketchbook too?"

"Eomma told me that you like to draw. And that you also like to take pictures. I used the camera you gave Eomma and took some pictures. They're in the pen drive I gave."

Taehyung looks like he is trying his hardest not to cry while he gives a nod, ruffling Jaehyung's hair before pulling the child towards him into an embrace again.

"You think I can take him out for ice cream tomorrow evening?" Taehyung asks me, and Jaehyung looks at me with wide eyes in anticipation as well.

"I don't see why not." I say, and the way the two cheer and exchange a high-five is so natural that it's painful in a way that I can't even mind at all.

"Jae-ah, say goodbye to Appa for now and get ready for bed, okay?"

"Okay. Goodnight Appa. Will I see you tomorrow?" Jaehyung asks, and Taehyung nods, giving the child another hug, before he stands up.

"Of course. See you later, Jae-ah."

"Bye bye, Appa."

"Oh my God. I love that so much." Taehyung tells me, watching the way the boy heads to the washroom to get ready for bed.

"Which part?" I ask, while he follows me down the stairs.

"Every part. Especially the part where he calls me Appa." Taehyung tells me, handing me the bag while he puts his shoes on. "He looks like me, Chaeyeon-ah. He even has those three moles on his face just like I do!"

"So you noticed, too?"

"You were right, Chaeyeon-ah. There's no doubt that Jae-ah is our child... What do you want me to do about this? Because I want to tell the world that I have the most wonderful child on the planet, but I understand where you're coming from, too."

I don't know how to respond to that, handing the bag to Taehyung as we step outside to the porch.

"Only Jiminie knows about Jae, right? Hoseokie-hyung and the others don't know?"

"Yeah."

"I will talk to them. I will talk to Pd-nim, I'll tell them. And after a while, after I hang out with Jae more, I'll hold a press conference. I intend to take Jae out to a lot of places, because I've missed out a lot of years of his life, and we are bound to be spotted by our fans. I don't want the public to manipulate what they see and write something bad, it's better I tell them myself."

"But Taehyungie..."

"Trust me." Taehyung says, his eyes on the bag in his clutches. "This is the best for me, and I want you to trust me, the way I've trusted in you for all these years. Can't you give me that much credit?"

"I... I trust you, Taetae-ah... But..."

"Please just rest for now, Chaeyeon-ah. Thank you for letting me meet Jaehyungie who is just like me in so many ways. I'm so glad you listened to Jiminie. Now, listen to me, and get some rest, and trust me."

"Okay."

"I love you." He says, one hand pressed against my cheek before he presses a soft kiss to my lips. "Are we okay, now?"

"As long as you're okay with this."

"I am more than okay with this. I hope you understand that this is my dream, and I get to live it because of you."

"I love you too, Taehyung-ah."

The male in front of me smiles, closing his eyes when I press my lips against his cheek. And then, he gets on the car that's waiting for him, waving until the car leaves the neighborhood, and I don't recall a time before where I felt so whole, before.

"Eomma?"

"Yes?" I ask, glancing at Jaehyung who stands at the top of the staircase when I get back inside the house.

"I really like Appa."

"Appa really likes you too." I say, and Jaehyung follows me inside our room, closing the door while I sit down on my bed. "He told me he loves it when you call him Appa."

"He is my Appa. That's why. And I can't wait to go for ice cream with Appa tomorrow."

"Well then, you should try to sleep so that you can wake up quickly, tomorrow, right? Appa is going to fetch you from school, after all."

"This is the best birthday ever. Thank you Eomma."

"This is the best day ever for me too, Jae-ah."

3

Jaehyung arrives from school the next evening with two more things in addition to a big smile and his father.

He has a plastic bag holding a graphics tablet and a smart phone.

"Taehyung-ah, what are you doing?!" I cry, after the child goes upstairs to get changed and ready for dinner. "You can't just buy expensive stuff like that out of the blue and spoil the child, because you're rich! I don't want Jaehyung's personality to change, he's really good as he is."

"Chaeyeon-ah, I'm not doing this to spoil him. The graphics tablet is my birthday present for him, because he's done some amazing sketches in that book he gave me last night." Taehyung explains, taking a sip from the glass of water in front of him. "And I got him a phone because I want to talk to my kid, okay? I may be busy a lot of the time, but when I'm free, I want to be able to contact both you and Jae. I'm not going to spoil him, trust me with this."

I sigh, closing my eyes as I sink into the chair beside Taehyung's. "So? Did you talk to the members?"

"I had a meeting with the members, yes. They were surprised, all except Jiminie, of course."

"Oh, God."

"For starters, the members said they would like to meet Jae-ah. I told them that they can't meet him before I get to know him better."

I sigh at Taehyung's childish behavior, and it's then that Jaehyung comes out of our room after changing. When he sees Taehyung and I speaking, he simply gives a smile in acknowledgement before he walks near Chaeyoung who is making pasta for dinner.

"He's really a mature kid, isn't he?"

"He really is." I respond. "Taehyung, are you really fine with the way things are?"

"Chaeyeon-ah, that's my line to ask you. Pd-nim says he is okay with me getting married to you, even though it's a bit early-"

"Good God, Taehyungie. You met Jae just yesterday!"

"He's not hard to love, and you two are family. So I told him that yeah I do want marry you, but then there's the-"

I hush Taehyung, shaking my head to make him stop talking continuously. "Look. Let's take all this at our own pace? I am fine with the way things are, I'm more than happy that you're hanging out with both Jae and me, and when the time comes, we'll know what to do, right?"

"Okay. But I'm still going to hold the press-conference. I can't take Jae to Lotte World before that, right? Last night, I made a big list of places to take Jae with me, and Jungkookie said I should take him along when we go bowling but I said no because it's just about me and Jae for now-"

"Dinner's ready!" Chaeyoung sings from the kitchen, and I sigh, getting up and holding my hand out for the male.

"You really talk a lot, Taetae-ah."

"I know. Please don't mind that. Oh, I almost forgot. The next day I have an off, can the two of us go out on a date?"

When I blink up at him surprise, Taehyung chuckles, standing up before he speaks. "I love Jae with all my heart but you're my girlfriend. And I love you too, so we need to go somewhere together too, don't you think? Hmm, the three of us can go somewhere only after my press conference, so maybe I should use my next off day for the conference inst-"

"Appa! Eomma! Noona's calling you for dinner!" Jaehyung calls, and Taehyung gives me a genuinely warm smile before he takes my hand and we walk into the kitchen.

The fact that Taehyung called me and Jaehyung a part of his family makes me so overwhelmed that I can barely eat, listening to every word that the two exchange about their day and their excessively alike similarities.

>

Taehyung loses a lot of fans after his press conference.

The number of followers that BTS has on twitter decreases a bit as well, not too much to affect the major total, but enough to be able to notice that his conference was the sole reason for it.

There are comments all over social media calling Jaehyung and I various hurtful names, but Taehyung consoles me, telling me that he doesn't mind, even though so many of his fans had left.

Jimin is comforting me as well, watching Hoseok and Seokjin play a board game with Jaehyung. It's only when Namjoon comes up to me and talks to me, that I wonder who it was between the two of us, who majored in language, because Namjoon knows all the right things to say when I still struggle with it.

"The fans who left us, we can't really call them fans. Or maybe they're just upset but will understand Taehyung better, later. I hope they do." Namjoon says, and Jungkook, who sits beside him nods at me.

"Hyung is right, Chaeyeon-noona." Jungkook pipes in. "I'm sure everything will be fine."

"I want you to focus on the amount of fans you helped us gain, as well. I know how taboo it is that you and Taehyung got a child without being married, and the fact that you didn't talk about Jaehyung until recently is there as well, but... That shows how brave you are. I want you to see the positive threads on Twitter instead of being sad about the immature fans." Namjoon expresses.

"Taehyung-hyung has been receiving a lot of nice messages on the fancafe too. I saw him reading them after the conference because he was upset with the stats at first. But the ones on the fancafe are more positive., so hyung stopped reading the ones on Twitter for now."

"Jungkook is right. You should focus on the positive things. Because I know this will be a life lesson for a lot of the youth here in our society. The youth who's scared and struggles like you every day. Knowing that someone like Taehyungie had to go through the same will be a motivation, and I don't want you to feel burdened, Chaeyeon-ah. You did well."

"Namjoon-oppa... Thank you so much." I say, and he gives me a smile in return.

"And Jae is really smart, too! The kid knows more English than Taehyung, himself."

"I heard that! I told you, I'm trying!" Taehyung yells from where he's seated beside Jaehyung on the floor, and we laugh.

"How do you feel, Chaeyeon-ah?"

"I'm scared, Jiminie," I respond, watching Jungkook and Namjoon going to join the rest of the members in the game. "I'm scared about what might come ahead, but I'm also happy because I've never been as happy before."

"You've worked hard, Chaeyeon-ah, Joonie-hyung was right. I'd know, I've known from the start-"

"You, quit rubbing that off over everyone here, you little pipsqueak." A voice says, and the two of us turn around to see Yoongi making his way towards us and sitting on the couch.

"I'm not a pipsqueak! If I was, then you are too! And I really did know from the start!"

"Sure, sure. Now, Chaeyeon-ah, what else do you feel?" Yoongi asks, taking his smartphone out and opening the notes application. He gives me an expectant look before Jimin punches his arm.

"Hyung! Stop trying to make lyrics out of every situation!" Jimin has a horrified expression on his face, and from the way Yoongi laughs, I can tell that he'd done that to cheer me up. And it works, because the three of us are laughing so much that even Jaehyung looks up from the game board and asks what's so funny.

The day ends in laughs and smiles, and Taehyung goes so far as to take a selfie with Jaehyung that he uploads, a purple heart emoji being the only caption that he adds.

Taehyung drives with us as he drops the two of us home, and Jaehyung gives his father a big hug before he waves and goes upstairs to get ready for bed. When I turn to glance at Taehyung, he smiles and takes hold of my hands, teeth showing as he beams.

"We've come a long way, haven't we?"

"We really did."

"I can't imagine my life without you and Jaehyung now."

I give him a nod, the emotions inside my heart overwhelming enough that I can't say anything in response.

"Thank you for trusting me. I hope this was a lesson you learned, that life will give you good things if you're patient and not lose sight of the most important things along the road. I hope you won't hide anything from me again.

"Thank you for loving me despite everything."

"Of course. Ah, Jae is looking at us, look." Taehyung says, pointing at the window at the first floor where Jaehyung has his face pressed against. "Seriously, he's so much like me, it's still a wonder to me."

"Yeah, he is. How do you think I feel every day? I don't even have time to miss you, because all I need to do is to see Jae's face."

Taehyung laughs at that, wrapping his arms around me and giving me a kiss on the cheek.

"Are you okay with this? That I live with the members, and visit you guys like this?"

"This is more than enough for me, trust me." I say, patting his hair, and Taehyung looks at me for a bit before he speaks next. "And I think it's best this way."

"Hey, that reminds me... We're having the Chuseok holiday off. I was thinking of going to Daegu with you two. Think you two can take the week off so we can go visit your parents and mine, and go to the beach together?"

My lips are trembling while I look up at the love of my life with teary eyes, the amount of happiness still difficult for me to comprehend that I was really deserving of. But with the way Taehyung smiles at me like I'm the stars to his sky makes me nod, waving goodbye to him with my heart feeling so full of hope.

It still makes me sad that I had been so horrible of a mother to the boy at first, but as I watch the way Jaehyung softly snores in his sleep while holding his Tata plushie, I doubt I would have loved him as much as I do now, if that didn't happen before.

Taehyung's right: Everything in life happens for a reason.

[riskeith]

aside from that, ur graphics must look incredible! i’ve seen some comparison pics and pc graphics are God Tier. help the second lowest being “high”... good riddance. 😶

summer 2016! it seems so long ago like a whole different universe. everything was so beautiful back then.. everybody was out and about hunting pokémon’s... that zine is so cute! i wouldn’t say main i actually only got into them a little while ago and i’m still mostly tddk and kiribaku but bkdk is interesting.. to say the least. i haven’t seen what happens in the manga (only a bit of spoilers especially that cover...) and s4 didn’t give us That many scenes with them but i’m keeping my eyes open... wbu?

IDK like their descriptions make it seem like they might help you find some specific treasures??? like the gold seelie giving you fortune aka mora? not sure tho hehe... YEAH THAT FANART!!! so cute i wanna eat them all.. forbidden snack. 🥺 omg funny you mention that... i met xiao just earlier for the first time and when i saw his entire outfit i was like.. hm i wonder what he would look like in darker clothing HAHA. but yeah skins would be awesome!!!! like a clothing shop or smth somewhere????? anyway when i saw him i was like HEY that’s cluna’s boy!

ALBEDO IS A BAD BITCH. his hair is perfect perfect perfect. actually everything about him is so perfect he’s just a delicate little guy... 🥺 dude us talking about albedo and opening up the game and seeing his banner is like... 👀 temptation.

with venti??? i’m not sure which quest you mean i did the archon one with him though and it was awesome. does he have more? I DID LOOK IT UP AND MURASE IS MAKING HIS VOICE EVEN HIGHER AND IT’S SO CUTE I WISH I KNEW IT BEFOREHAND SO I COULD’VE HEARD HIS VOICE WHILE DOING THE MISSION. 😭 oh well 😭

hopefully there are some good 4 stars too. who are you wishing for? anyone special? imagine having xingqiu and chongyun.... that’s like the dream. and bennett and razor and you have the boy scout party haha!! do you have mostly claymore users?

i remember you mentioning you don’t like book users but i’ve actually really grown to love them hehe. their long range attacks are so nice and handy! KAZE DA! 😭 bro stop i literally have a crush on venti it’s ridiculous.. imagine closing ur eyes and talking and it’s his voice.... (OR HINATA!!!) murase is so lucky... he seems like such a great guy too ajsksjdk..

ok friends to lovers goodness! 🥺 i’m considering getting twitter just to see fanart... maybe.. o.o

ooooo that’s so thorough! in all caps caught my attention, why do you do that? personally, if it’s something longer i write bulletpoints of the concept but never like... actual plot yk? i’ve tried before but i doesn’t work for me very well. so.. i wing it! and like you i just get inspired randomly, it could be from song lyrics or thinking about tropes i enjoy. 😜

loona is cool! they have this whole story about their group. i highly recommend checking them out! i wonder if they kept it up though lmao. oh yeah everyone loves hozier he just speaks to the soul.. LOVELY IS MY FAVORITE SONG!!!!! LIKE EASILY TOP SONGS OF MY LIFE!!! it makes me so happy that you like it even if you skip it lmaojsjdjsjsjdk and i like billie a lot!! ariana too she has great music.., idk if you’ve heard of the group the neighborhood but i like them too. lana del rey as well! haha guess it’s super basic stuff tbh. all of them with mostly slow songs.. sorry 😭

OK GOOD. all nighters are honestly horrible. i don’t get how people can pull them off and get things done... (hopefully you never have to either!) YEAH haha 8 am is my favorite hour i think... that and 9 pm. they’re just special. what’s your favorite time of day? listen if you stay up to read fics that’s valid. midnight up is like the perfect time to read fics it makes them appear more magical sjdkdhdk.

i hope i caught you today but if not, hope you’re sleeping well babe! ♥️

sorry i was playing genshin! JFKSNXKSNKSJ i started before 12am and before i knew it it was already 1am… my goodness

and yeah i watched this vid comparing the graphic quality settings (i play on the default one) and i was like??? people really be playing like this? LOL can’t relate

edit: missed this paragraph oops but yeah what a time 2016 was! (lmao voltron started that year iirc) i remember we had an athletics event and legit everyone was on their phones jfksnfksnd. oooo! nice tddk and krbk are very good very nice. and also yeah that cover lol i love that you didn’t even have to specify which one i just Know. hmm i think rn bkdk would be one of the top ships i’m interested in aside from todobaku? they just have so much history ya know? and they have a lot of moments in the second movie! oh wait did you know that there are movies? two of them in fact!! the kiribaku is pretty strong in the first one (but there are some todobaku moments too lol). and there are a few OVAs too. WAIT are you all caught up with the anime? can’t rmemeber if you’ve told me or not 😫

oooo if that were the case tho what would the others give? i did like the “sea blue” description or something of the blue one tho 😩 YOU WANNA EAT THEM FJDJCJSKNCSKJCKSNXJS NO!!! but i can understand.. they look very squishy. THAT’S MY BOY!!!!!! honoured you thought of me <33 yo i was also wondering what chongyun would look like in darker clothes too HDKSKDN see this is why i need to learn how to draw.… gotta put them in the clothes i want since we can’t do that in game!! but a shop would be so cute omg

JFKSKSKAKS i’ve legit been staying away from opening the wish menu as much as i can.… it’s too tempting i can’t!!

yeah the archon one is what i meant sorry! forgot the name for it lol. and yes there is! once you reach AR 35 or something you can unlock story quests and venti is one of them 👀👀 RIPPPP BUT AT LEAST YOU KNOW NOW 😭😭

i think just xingqiu rn!! i’ve been holding off ascending barbara in hopes of getting him, bc i grinded some oceanid (literally the worst fucking boss ever) before i ascended so i’m just hoarding those materials rn fjskdnd. yesss the boy scouts 😭🥺 but i heard chongyun and razor’s elemental skills cancel each other out so rip.. hmm i did a count and i think i have 3 each of claymore and catalyst users! hbu?

omg nooooo betrayal 😭 tho ngl i’m considering using ningguang bc i see people play her so well.. so i’m just carrying her around in my team hoping to passively level her up HAHAHA. i def appreciate their long range attacks too, lisa’s burst especially is quite nice. CHJDKSKD that’s so cute but also very relatable 😭😭😭🥺🥺🥺🥺 also did you know murase is like tall af it’s kinda crazy lol

there’s /so/ much good fanart!!! it’s where i’m getting a taste of all the ships too lol but yeah there’s angst and fluff and just charas looking s*xy they’ve got it all 😩 but that also reminds me, like most other big fandoms genshin fandom is kinda fkn shit 😔 once again i’m thankful to myself for keeping such a small circle lmaooooo

honestly i don’t know either?? i think it helps me distinguish between what i’m actually writing vs what i’m planning like if i do something like “JUMPS OFF PLATFORM, LANDS IN FRONT. so, are you going to introduce me or do i have to do it myself ETC THEN THEY TALK SUDDENLY there’s the sound of a windchime, and VILLAINS HERE GOTTA FIGHT” it’ll look something like that jdjsndkskd where the lowercase is exact dialogue I wanna write in but the caps is just planning

but winging it ey that’s hot of you 🤪 god do you ever just like thinking about potential ideas before falling asleep but then your phone is far away/you don’t wanna hurt your eyes looking at a screen but then you’re also afraid you’ll forget the idea DJKSXKSK

:o! i think i stayed away bc of the whole “stan loona” thing DHSKKS but i might give them another shot! therefore i am is one of my go to songs rn hehe i really like the beats she uses they’re so funky. i don’t really like ariana sorry FJDJKSKS but she does have a lot of bangers!! side to side… 😘👌 and i do know the neighbourhood! sweater weather is so iconic but lately i’ve been skipping that too aahah. but have you heard daddy issues slowed? oh my god. that singlehandedly started my obsession with slowed songs (ironic isn’t it when you consider i don’t listen to normal slow songs fjsjdj) i like summertime sadness from lana! and young and beautiful too (the radio songs AHAH) but yeah.. they’re slow fjdkksks. how do you feel about halsey + melanie martinez + bastille? (i’m always paranoid about listing artists bc so many get cancelled or what other and i feel like randos are gonna come for me too JDKSKSKA.) oh and troye sivan!! and pentatonix if you’ve heard of them? i was obsessed with those two back in 2015 ahaha

omg crazy.. how!! hm my favourite hour is maybe 12pm? or 2pm? just some time in the afternoon i like when it’s still light outside but it’s also like “after school” time kinda .. and yesss reading fic at late hours… gets me crying more easily 🤪

i don’t think i’ll catch your next reply so goodnight in advance!! hope your day is great <3

[reigningxo]

Secret Thrill (One Shot)

Summary: You’ve been teasing Roman for a couple of days since got back and when your parents ask the two of you out for dinner, Roman decides to show you what the consequences are.

Warnings: language, smut (A/N) This idea popped up in my head after seeing gifs of Roman in a suit and I just had to write it down and share it with you guys. And thank you so much @x-fivefoot for helping me out😘♥️. This is also hella long so enjoy guys xoxo

——————–

‘’Like what you see Reigns,’’ I asked with a smirk on my face as I picked some clothes off the floor in our bedroom, my ass in full display. I didn’t have to turn around to know that his eyes were on me with every move I made.

‘’In fact, I love what I see.’’ He murmured. It was a hot summer night and even though it was still bright outside, we decided to just relax a bit.

‘’You do?’’ I turned around and crossed my arms, grabbing the underside of my shirt. I pulled it over my head and put it on the chair, leaving me in only my shorts and lace bra. The fabric hardly covered anything since it was see through. He nodded and threw the sports magazine he was reading beside him as I climbed onto the bed. Too slow in action, Roman reached out for my waist and pulled me on top of him so I was straddling his waist. I bit my lip and wrapped my arms around his shoulders.

‘’You look better everytime I come back home,’’ he groaned. I slowly grinded myself against him, feeling him getting harder second by second.

‘’I know,’’ I whispered in his ear. His hands guided my hips, setting a pace. As soon as I felt his hands travel up to unclasp my bra , I stopped and climbed off him. ‘’I’m so tired,’’ I yawned. He looked at me wide eyed.

‘’Baby come one,’’ he whined, ‘’That’s not fair.’’

‘’What do you mean?’’ I innocently asked and kissed him on his check.

‘’Y/n please, all I got from you since I got back is teasing and it’s getting on my nerves.’’

‘’There’s no need for that, we have all the time of the world. Besides that, what’s wrong with me being tired?’’

‘’Yeah sure, you’re ‘tired’,’’ he grunted and rolled on his side, his back facing me. ‘’You’ve been ‘tired’ for literally four days.’’

‘’Ahw come on Ro, don’t be mad, I promise you’ll have your way with me before you’re on the road again,’’ I sweetly said as I hung over his side. His eyes were closed and he looked quite irritated. I don’t want to say that I love seeing him this mad, but I kinda do to be completely honest. Last time when he was home, he was the one who was teasing the shit out of me by whispering dirty things in my ear in public, such as ‘’I wanna fuck you so hard that you’ll be begging me to stop,’’ or ‘’I bet you’re all wet for me babygirl, I can’t wait to eat you out and make you moan my name.’’ He’d get me all turned on and once we got home, he decided to ignore his promises and pretend nothing ever happened. The man even denied saying it. So this time, I decided to play fair and tease him back.

‘’I hope so for your sake,’’ he chuckled and turned on his back again with me on top of him. ‘’You’re lucky I love you.’’

‘’Aawh you’re so sweet,’’ I smiled and kissed his lips. As much as I wanted him, I had to tell myself not to do anything because it was payback. ‘’I love you too, my beautiful husband.’’

‘’Yeah sure,’’ he joked.

‘’You’re only acting like this because you’re not getting laid.’’ I seriously said as I placed my arms on his broad chest, my head on my hands.

‘’Maybe, maybe not. Anyways, I’m just happy to be back.’’

‘’That’s the nicest thing you’ve said so far,’’ I laughed. He shook his head and laughed along. ‘’But for real though, I’m really tired so I’m off.’’

‘’I’ll pretend to believe you and try to sleep as well.’’

‘’I don’t care if you believe me or not, I’m tired and I need my sleep.’’ I rolled off him and lied down on my stomach. I could feel Roman shift his weight, pulling me close to him with his arm, his face nuzzling in the crook of my neck. Just like that, we both drifted off.

——————–

I woke up by the rays of sunlight falling across my face. I slightly opened my eyes and sat up. Roman was not beside me so I figured he was in the bathroom or something. Looking on my phone, I saw that it was already 1 pm. I had several missed calls from my mom so I decided to facetime her.

‘’Honey, how are you and Roman doing,’’ she happily said as she answered right away. ‘’You just woke up, didn’t you.’’

‘’Maybe,’’ I smiled, ‘’We’re great, what about you and dad?

‘’Couldn’t be better hun. I was wondering if the two of you are free tonight.’’

‘’Uhm, yeah, I think so,’’ I thought out loud. Roman came walking into the room with a plate of fruit. ‘’Are you free tonight?’’ I asked him.

‘’Yeah, why?’’

‘’I don’t know,’’ I laughed, ‘’what did you have in mind mom?’’

‘’How does a dinner sound? Just the four of us. You and Roman and me and your dad.’’ She excitedly said. I could tell that this was something she wanted for a long time.

‘’Sounds good to me,’’ Roman said as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

‘’Alright then, a dinner it is,’’ I answered with a smile.

‘’Oh that’s lovely, I’ll meet you guys at 7 at that new Italian place that just had their grand opening. Love you both,’’ she almost shouted. Before one of us could say anything, she hung up.

‘’Good afternoon,’’ Roman chuckled. ‘’I figured you could use something healthy since all you’ve been eating is junk food. Not to mention how unhealthy you’ll be eating tonight.’’

‘’You’re just jealous because all you have to do is eat healthy,’’ I stuck my tongue out and grabbed the plate with fruit. ‘’I normally wouldn’t do this but you can pick my dress for tonight, as long as it stays decent.’’ I warned him. He had this huge smirk on his face as he walked towards the closet. ‘’Decent, I said.’’

‘’I know, I know, don’t worry. I know what decent means.’’ He laughed and opened the doors, looking at all the clothing. ‘’I’ll bet that not even half of the clothes are mine,’’ Roman joked.

‘’A woman with taste, needs her space,’’ I proudly said.

‘’Touché.’’ He absently said as he sat down and opened the box with all my dresses. After studying all of my dresses for about 10 minutes, he stood up. ‘’This one,’’ he held the dress in front of him. I always knew Roman had an amazing taste and I couldn’t fight him on that. It was a long black dress with a slit at two sides of my leg, almost reaching my waist, so that both of my legs would be shown. It had a V neck and spaghetti straps. ‘’You’re wearing this one, whether you like it or not,’’ he chuckled.

‘’Alright, that one it is.’’ I put the plate away and crawled over to the end of the bed and grabbed him by the collar of his t-shirt, pulling him close to me. My lips barely touched his and when he was about to lean in, I grabbed the dress and backed away.

‘’You’re gonna pay for that,’’ he groaned. I just giggled and walked to the bathroom to get ready.

——————–

‘’You done baby?’’ Roman yelled from downstairs. ‘’We gotta leave, it’s almost 7.’’

‘’Almost babe,’’ I yelled back. I stood in front of the mirror, admiring the way I looked. My hair was curled, I didn’t wear any make up besides mascara, eyeliner and lipstick. The dress Roman picked looked really good on me, even if I’m saying it myself. My curves were showing just right. I wore my black heels and made my way down the stairs.

‘’Oh jheeze,’’ Roman said impressed, ‘’damn babygirl, you look breathtaking.’’

‘’Why thank you, you look breathtaking yourself as well,’’ I smiled, meaning what I said. He was wearing a checkered white and blue shirt with a white and blue striped tie. The jacket, just like his pants, were blue-ish. He always looked beautiful so this time there was no difference.

‘’Means a lot coming from my beautiful wife,’’ he grabbed my waist and pulled me close to him. I couldn’t back away this time, I also didn’t want to, he just looked, smelled, felt so good. He kissed me and smiled against my lips.

‘’Oh shush Reigns, let’s go.’’ I giggled. As I turned around, he gave my ass a gentle squeeze before walking outside and locking the door behind him. The car ride was just as usual; us singing along with every song on the radio, even though we didn’t even know the song, talking about how pissed he was that Vince wouldn’t let him wear his new gear. I enjoyed moments like this, knowing we both could talk about anything. Once we arrived, we could see my parents their car parked a little further.

‘’This place is actually pretty nice tho,’’ he admitted as he took my hand in his. We both walked into the restaurant, stunned with how pretty it looked; white and red as the main colors, ivy on the celling and there was an outside part. The waiter said my mom and dad took place at the outside area, which I figured since my mom loves having dinner outside.

‘’Y/n, Roman, my babies,’’ my mom happily said as she stood up to give us a hug. ‘’How are the two of you doing?’’

‘’We’re fine mom,’’ I smiled.

‘’Son, how much do you train because each time I see you, it seems like you’re getting even more muscular than you already are.’’ My dad joked, making Roman laugh.

‘’With my training schedule, it’s possible sir.’’ He replied with a smile. We all sat down and talked a bit before looking at the menu. While being focused on the dishes, I felt Roman’s hand on my bare thigh, sliding up higher. I batted his hand away, but he kept bringing it to the same spot.

‘’So, how’s your career doing?’’ My dad asked Roman.

‘’It’s amazing sir, being able to do what I love every day, makes it even better. The only con is not being home so often,’’ he said, his hand was now on my inner thigh, making me shift in my seat. That was pointless since he is super strong and held me still with just his hand. ‘’But the time I am at home is also the time I love the most.’’

‘’That’s great to hear,’’ my dad smiled. ‘’How was your time on the road this time?’’

‘’It was amazing, I got to see so many places and meet different people,’’ Roman answered. His hand was now rubbing me through the thin material of my panties, making me hold back a moan. I looked over to him, but he was pretending to pay attention to the menu. As I was about to speak, he crept his hand under the thin material, his index finger circling my clit. I covered my mouth with my hand, pretending to yawn. I could kick his ass right now. I started to realize why he picked that dress. He always mentioned how much he adored ‘easy access’ and this dress was just that with the slit as high as my thigh.  

‘’So honey, how are you doing?’’ my mom asked me.

‘I-I’m fine,’’ I stuttered, trying to sound normal. His finger was now slowly pushing inside of me, making it hard to even think.

‘’How is it while Roman is on the road? How do you keep yourself busy?’’ My dad curiously asked.

‘’It’s hard, of course, but I mostly keep myself busy with watching movies, reading and my own work,’’ I almost moaned as he added his middle finger inside of me as well, pushing his fingers deeper. I glanced over next to me and he just looked at me with the sweetest smile.

‘’Good to hear you have a source of distraction.’’

‘’I agree, it’s hard to leave my wife all alone so I’m happy she can take care of herself.’’  Roman answered with a huge smile on his face. This bastard. To make things even worst, he started to rub my clit with his thumb, making my orgasm build with lighting speed. I let out a deep sigh, my breathing got heavier, the pleasure started to build in my lower abdomen. My insides started to clench around his fingers as she was now pumping in and out of me very slowly. There was absolutely no way that I was going to cum near my parents, that’s just insane.

‘’Hi there, can I take your orders?’’ the waiter smiled sweetly. Roman withdrew his fingers and gave me a smirk. The emptiness made me whimper quietly. I could slap him right now.

‘’We both would like the pasta with tomato-basil sauce,’’ Roman answered.

‘’What a gentleman, ordering for his lady as well,’’ my mom smiled. If only she knew what kind of ‘gentle man’ he is being this exact moment. ‘’We’ll have the lasagna please.’’

‘’I wrote that down, anything to drink?’’

‘’A bottle of water will do,’’ my dad answered. The waiter nodded and walked away with writing everything down. When my parents were in a conversation, Roman licked his fingers and hummed while doing so. My stomach turned, wanting him more than ever at the moment.

‘’I bet you taste better than the food baby,’’ he whispered into my ear. Great, now the roles were turned, again. I gave him a ‘are you serious’ look and all he did was grinning. ‘’I can imagine how bad you want me now.’’

‘’You’re a fucking dick,’’ I said through gritted teeth, regretting my choice of words right away. But I could play dirty as well. I bit my lip and my placed my hand on his leg, rubbing up and down.

‘’Y/n,’’ Roman groaned lowly, ‘’I’m warning you.’’

‘’Hmm? What’d you say?’’ I asked innocently as I started to massage his dick through his pants. ‘’Two can play this game, Reigns.’’

‘’This ain’t no game, you have no idea what you just started babygirl.’’ He dangerously said. I smirked back at him while slowly rubbing his dick up and down at an agonizingly slow pace, causing his breath to quicken. He glared back at me, giving me a death stare and I abruptly stopped.

‘’I gotta use the restroom, be right back.’’ I announced with a smile.

‘’Alright sweetheart,’’ my mom replied. I adjusted my dress before standing up and making my way to the ladies room. I was just about to open the door when a hand suddenly appeared, blocking my way. I turned around to see it was Roman.

‘’What do you think you’re doing?’’ he hissed.

‘’Playing back your own game,’’ I grinned.

‘’I warned you y/n.’’ He ushered me into the restroom, making sure that there was no one there. The door was being shut firmly as I bit my lip and looked at him up and down. ‘’You shouldn’t do that, you know what it does to me.’’

‘’What does it do? I can’t remember,’’ I said, pretending I forgot.

‘’You know exactly what it does…’’ he whispered as he wrapped his muscular arms around my waist and pulled me in for a deep kiss. His tongue licked my bottom lip, making me shiver. Without warning, he grabbed my ass and lifted me up, slamming my back against the cold door. ‘’You gonna keep teasing me?’’

‘’Maybe,’’ I answered and bit my lip on purpose. Roman groaned and kissed my neck as he slipped his fingers inside of me for the second time this day. I could be a lot more vocal here, luckily for me and for him since I know how much he enjoys me expressing how good he makes me feel. ‘’Roman, I need you inside of me right now,’’ I admitted under my breath.

‘’Now you do huh?’’ He mumbled against my neck as I felt him unzipping his pants and pulling it down along with his underwear. I could feel the tip against my center and I arched my back, wanting to feel more. He chuckled and slid his thick length inside of me in a fluid motion.

‘’Oh my god..’’ I moaned. He lets me adjust for a few seconds before he starts to thrust. I missed feeling him fill me up like this and he knew.

‘’Goddamn baby, you’re so wet. I missed you,’’ He panted, ‘’fuck I missed your pussy.’’

‘’I missed you too, oh shit,’’ I cried out as he sped up, gripping my waist tighter. ‘’Roman…I’m so close.’’

‘’Already?’’ He asked as he started to rub my clit, making me grip his bicep tighter. I nodded and he chuckled. ‘’I can’t blame you baby.’’

‘’F-fuck you,’’ I chuckled breathless. He smiled and looked down to where our bodies joined. ‘’Roman please.’’

‘’Cum for me baby,’’ he looked me straight in the eyes as he grinded his hips slowly; so slow that I could feel every vein. The friction made me tingle. ‘’That’s it y/n, cum for daddy.’’

‘’Romann,’’ I moaned loudly as I reached my high. Right after, I could feel him release inside of me. We stood in the exact same position to catch our breaths and once we did, he gently pulled out of me and placed me back on my heels again.

‘’I’m so happy I told you to wear that dress,’’ Roman said as he pulled his pants back up.

‘’I should’ve known what you were up to,’’ I laughed. I carefully walked towards the mirror and fixed myself. Roman came up from behind me and wrapped his arms around me, kissing my neck. ‘’We should get back to my parents before they wonder where we are.’’

‘’You’re probably right, let’s see who gives in first.’’ He joked.

‘’You’re unbelievable Reigns,’’ I smiled and shook my head.

[drinking-coke-in-hell]

7. Syyskuuta. 2019

7. Syyskuuta 3/4

Alex cuddled with Till on the couch, drinking whiskey with a straw, Till trying to take it away every moment and other, Alex using his power to pin his hand away. One of the moments where Till submited to Alex lol.  

“Alex you cant just let few glares get under your skin like that. Put the drink away, clear your body and let’s just forget you drank and keep counting the months from where you were left.” Till said, Alex’s answer was noisy suck from the straw.  

“You’ll end up doing something stupid while drunk.” Alex got up and looked at Till. “Well at least I can blame it on alcohol, ja?” Till decided to not contiune and piss him off.

Another 30 minutes pass and the four meet at the hallway again, heading to eat. Alex and Nea look at each other. Nea’s neck is full of soft red spots and lips swollen, Alex’s eyes were almost colorless, lolling around sometimes. Nea had dissaponted look, Alex just grinned, “Lovebirds.”

They headed to the cantteen and took their seats from the same spot, that was actually bit far away from other people, thank satan. (nyt tulee mäkikuja fail moment koska en haluu et tää on vaas säd paskaa)

The food was served and it took a moment to Nea ask, “Allu tää on kalaa?”

Alex slowly put the fork down. “oh...” Alex put the fish away on the plate and started eating the other stuff.  

“You are well aware that you can just tell the waitress and they’ll bring you naything else.” Till said.

“Yes, but i dont want to.”  

-

Back in Al’s and nea’s room. Cody took the liberty to demolish all alcohol. Alex seemed happier now. “We have the elite meeting for 3 hours. Till could you acompany nea for that while?” Alex asked, bouncing on his ass on the floor.

“Yes of course. Whatshould we do?” Till said, seemed happy to please alex(?).

“Go show her the city. Get some eyescream, because it’s hot as hell when it’s supposed to be 4Celsius. Aaaanddd.. I don’t know.”Alex laughed.  

“Alex you can’t go to the elite meeting like that.” Cody said. Alex’s eyes went black, nea took Cody’s hand, fearing that he will be flung our of the window too. The veins went black and it seemed like a reddish liquid were going thru them. The color on Alex’s face came back and his posture on the floor straighened up. “Better?” Alex asked, going back to normal, not sounding drunk anymore. “Yes.”

Alex and cody left for the meeting, leaving nea and Till alone.  

“As Alex said it’s pretty hot outside. We should change to casual clothes.” Till got up told nea to meet on the hallway in 10. Nea kept the fishnets on, changed to shorts and hollywood undead t shirt. She felt like she wanted something else ontoo, but hoodies seemed too warm. She went to Allu’s bag and digged thru it, untill she found the red black flanel. She threw it on and looked in the mirror. The makeup was bit heavy for the outfit but what ever. Nea finished it by spraying half a bottle of setting spray to make sure it wouldn’t come off if she swet.

“You’ve got some fashion knowledge there.” Till said as they met up. He had a basic black t-shirt and some black thin jacket on, with black jean shorts. “Thank you, cant say same of you.” Nea laughed. They walked out and then to a big garage hall of the hotel.  

“So we are taking a car?” Nea asked. “Yeah, it’s big city and right now we are in area where there is nothing but luxury hotels and big parks with old ladies and their poodles.”

They arrived to a pretty basic but newish black rangerover car and till opened the door for nea, who thanked and got in. They headed out in the car and nea felt somehwhat anxious with a big almost stranger man who is demon in a acar with her.

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna do anything to you. I can basicly feel Alex’s eyes burning on my back right now (chuckle).” Till said, giving nea a warm smile that eased her feeling. They drove around for a while and then arrived to Mall of Berlin. Huge fucking place.

“I guess you youngsters like malls?” Till laughed, he seemed bit unconformtable. “Yeah. It’s just the people and masses.” Nea said. She swore she could hear Till let out a big breath.

“So we gonna play a game called ‘dodge the crowd’.” They both laughed.  

“You probably know that Alex isn’t found of using money if it isnt Death Necessary? I thought that we could play with our lives and go shopping.” Till said as they navigated thru the parking halls.

“Yeah. But i do have clothes with me and all? And I really dont need any spare because we have the etiquette clothes. It’s just the weekend.” Nea said, not wanting to piss off Alex and the idea of random man buing her stuff seemed weird.

“About that... In the all members meeting they mentioned that this might be longer than three days.. It’s nothing confirmed yet but... Shit might get wild.” Till said and they stepped into the mall, it was huge.

“Oh.... (kattelee hämmästyneenä kauppojen määrää) I’m not gonna suck your dick for a t-shirt then okay.” Nea said, HALF-joking.

“Oh you don’t have to. Alex does it enough (laugh). I actually enjoy shopping and clothes. Not really for myself, but for Alex. He just doesn’t let me, even tho he likes dressing up himself. So why not to get two flies with one go. I can see you making outfits and you get clothes.” Till explained. He felt bit weird about it too, also he was sure he had someones eye on him already.

Nea agreed and fitted to the situtation and they went to a shop where nea saw some grungeish clothes. Till tried to make nea not look at the prices and almost showed his black eyes to get her eyes off the tags. It started to slide well, nea got few fell outfits from stores and some accessories too. They also went to makeup store because in long run you would get tired on black red smoky eye, right? The hours passed by and they started throwing so good jokes and shit that they didnt notice people staring at Till Lindemann walking around mall with young girl and shopping bags.

“Till! Till! Kann ich ein Foto mit dir machen?” A woman came to them smiling and blushing.

“Ja, absolut!” Till asked nea to take the picture, and she did.

“Danke vielmals. Ist das deine Tochter oder wer?” Woman asked looking at nea.

“Ach nein. Sie ist die Tochter meiner Kollage, die ich für ein paar Stunden babysitten sollte.” Till explained seeming bit awkward, nea had no idea what they talked about.

“Oh ok. Danke für das Bild. Du bist toll.” The woman smiled and beamed happily. “Danke dir auch.” Till smiled and she left.

“What did she ask?” Nea understood from the way of speaking that there was a question.

“First asked for a picture and then asked if you were my daughter (till seemed to have sad and somewhat regretful face). I told you were daughter of my collague who I had to babysit.” Till gave out a awkward chuckle. Nea nodded.

They agreed on getting the ice scream and then going back to the hotel. Nea took strawberry chocolate one and Till passed, as he was driving. Till seemed more quiet after the daughter thing, but nea understood as she heard Alex talk something back in the spring about Till having a lot of children with dif women and some with wifes and he had to raise one as single father for years, then one was taken away because he was accused of puncing wife. Nea had no idea what was true and what not but decided to not mess up on that.  

“Nea my love!” Cody shouted as they met at the hotel entrance. They hugged, awwardly as nea had the icecream. Alex had his arms crossed and gave  Till a hard-questoning look while tapping foot on the concrete.  

“Till you might have something to explain.” Cody laughed looking at the bags that he helped nea to carry. “Your room. Now, Till.” Alex commanded. Cody took the bags and they went inside. Till walking fast in front of Alex, Cody and Nea following the situtation from the back.  

“If Till ain’t sitting right after that, it’s just bruises on his ass.” Cody whispered laughing, making nea to too. “I heeeard.” Alex tried to say angrily, but you could hear smile in his voice. Till got in his room and Nea went with cody to nea’s.

“Are you trying to provoke me on reason? You wanna make me mad so I'll spank your ass or something because you’re too proud of a man to ask it yourself HUH?” Alex pressured him to sit on sofa (argh hirvee flash back ku olin jotai 10-11v ja faija oli kaatokänni ja käskin sen sohvalle istuu ku se ei pysny pystys ja sit se kaatu sen pöydän yli.)  And tried to keep his voice low. Till seemed more horrified than aroused tho.

“NO! I know better than that. You heard yourself that this might be longer than weekend. You and cody will probably be assinged to travel somewhere to do shit and dont get to go home for more than a day.” Till said.

“How the fuck has my and cody’s traveling to do with you spoiling nea?” -a

“Well DUH! She’s coming with us. I’m not stupid, you couldn’t see the heartbroke in their eyes if you seperated cody and nea.” Till

“Well I am not one deciding who is coming and who not. I’d rather see the heartbrake than put her life on death line by taking her with us. We would be back anyway.” Al.

“Cody würde sicherstellen, dass sie nicht von einem Käfer verletzt würde!” Till raised his voice now, speaking german fully.

^Cody would make sure she was not hurt by a bug!”

“a...” Alex was about to answer in hars german too, but remembered that he can’t vocalize german well at all. He had been stabbed from under the jaw upward towards deeper cheek muscels, that you happen to use on vocalazing german and such accented languages. Alex can speak it but it would sound like lil american kid trying to sing rammstein.

“Doesn’t matter! I didn’t take her here to have a luxury vacation but to keep me sane! Her reason is to be my anchor! Someone from my private life to keep me from doing stupid shit. The reason I haven’t killed anybody here, nor went of running my mouth on elite.” Alex

“So you’re basicly saying that she is here just as a tool? Shouldn’t she have nice things too? How does this trip help her? What does it give her? If not a vacation like experience?!” till

“This shit ain’ nice for anyone but those business men with their whores ordering vintage wine and smiling with their gold teeth. We are supposed to be here saving the world from chaos and i hate that art of it is drawn back by this money use and useless shit. Why should we be pampered here, while people are dying.” Alex started to get irritated. So angry he couldn’t really keep calm but neither to do anything else.  

“Alex calm down.” Till pulled Alex to sit down with him on the couch, stroking his back. Alex was shaking as he tried to not cry from anger and dissapoint on himself. He were sure that if nea was here he wouldn’t have gone on rage, but the more he thought of that the more he thought wha Till said about Alex keeping her as a tool. “Am i really that much a of a asshole... Dragging my bestfriend to germany without really giving her a chance, and just taking her from her parents and school.... I-… Should I get her back home?” Alex’s eyes were wet as he looked up at Till.  

“Nea’s a strong girl. She would have told you straight away if she didnt want to.” Till reasured, wiping away the tears that escaped al’s eyes. “I can see that you actually submit to her. Not like you do to me, while having sex or something, you overpwer me all the time. But you haven’t said against her one bit. Haven’t hit her, used your power on her violently. She is the one who could kill you. For the real dead, not just stab you out of your blood and you wont resist but she handles the destiny of your life.” Till said in low and calm voice, knowing it help alex to calm down, and basicly melts him.

“Did you buy me anything?” Alex asked in guilty voice, turning up to look at Till again from where he was leaning on his chest. Alex looked like a child in candy shop who just promised to not ask for candy.

“Of course. But I’m not sure if they are tolerant for this moment.” Till’s voice went back to his normal playfully flirty one and he smirked. Alex smiled, eyes puff. “What does that mean?”

Till pulled a Black leather collar with studs out of his bag.  (joo en jaksanu rajata mut tota.. Varmaa vähä kalliimpi koska parempi laatu...)

 “I think that know as The Order and we as in general have upgraded on better status of life, so should our tradition.” Till took the metal chain off and placed the collar on alex who smiled wide as till tightened it.  

“No leash?” Alex asked. Till pulled out a matching leash with leather ‘handle’ and clipped it on. “Happy?” He asked from alex who was about o lick his face (?????)

“Ja!” Alex checked the clock. “We missed the dinner... It’s only 15  minutes left?”

“We’ll order pizza and hang in your room kay?” Till proposed and alex nodded.

[tantoknives]

hey how about 1-30 from that one ask thing

if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?-first off i sent this to myself. second, i would link them to my soundcloud and spotify and shit like that. if i had to chose a single band i’d have to go with cherub, they’re my favorite band of all time and i get teary thinking about how jordan kelly gave me a hug. uh anyway also watch princess mononoke and kiki’s delivery service because theyre my fave and i heavily relate to kiki. i guess for reading read my childhood faves like redwall, warriors, guardians of ga’hoole, and everlost trilogy. i don’t do as much recreational reading these days. 

have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who?-not?? really in particular. i modeled my early writing more after my childhood favorites (see above lmao) so my writing wasn’t terribly complex. i think i model my writing a bit closer to stephen king’s; he has a very good way of conveying situations/emotions in an extremely subtle way

list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.-wow this list has gotten small. the only fandom i actually really interact with is the transformers fandom nowadays. i relate to knockout because i love breakdown. other stuff i used to vibe with is steven universe, and i really related to rose quartz. 

do you like your name?  is there another name you think would fit you better?-now that i’ve figured out that i’m nonbinary, i’d prefer a more... gender neutral name. megan is such...... a generic name. i’m fine with meg, but i don’t even respond to megan anymore lmao. i’m fond of mac, like mac demarco. maybe to be unique™️ i should be called demarco.

do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do?-what the fuck kind of question is this it sounds like a question from a job application. and yeah i guess?? i mean i call myself a writer and an artist and a depressed fuck because that’s what i do

are you religious/spiritual?-no. i had some bad experiences in the church and it effectively drove me away from christianity in particular. i enjoy other houses of religion, tho. i find it very interesting to be an observer. 

do you care about your ethnicity?-kinda?? it’s something that i think about a lot because i could have had a lot more culture from my dad’s side except my family on his side was whitewashed as a side effect of rampant racism in the 50s and 60s. i’m ‘hispanic’ but i’m not even sure what that means nowadays?? like am i just white?? i don’t know and it bugs me. like, i’m not trying to reach to be a poc but i’m also not sure if i’m white or not. most of the time i just kind of ignore it. 

what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime?-florence and the machine was the first artist that i really, really connected with after i heard ‘dog days are over’ during a movie preview on the tv. her lungs album was the first i ever bought, and she was the first artist i ever followed religiously. a little while after her i got really into woodkid. now i’m deeply invested in the band cherub, theyve gotten me through a lot of hard times, all of them. for awhile i was very much into linkin park’s ‘a thousand suns’ album, so chester’s death has touched me in some small way. 

are you an artist?-yeah, i would definitely say so. it’s definitely been a hugely defining part of my identity for the entirety of my life, if that says anything. 

do you have a creed?-not?? particularly?? like for me my creed is to let people do their own thing and stay in my lane unless theyre hurting somebody. like i don’t really care what people do unless it becomes my business. 

describe your ideal day.-ohh getting up at 10am with good hair, doing my makeup and putting on a cute outfit. getting my nails done with a good friend, having a light but tasty lunch then going to get bubble tea after. going to the mall for a couple of hours, then going to a nice place for dinner and a movie. after that, going for a nice swim at night with some friends, good music, and a bit of booze. more movies after that if we’re awake enough. 

dog person or cat person?-i think i answered this already but fundamentally i’m a cat person because i’m too low energy to be a dog person

inside or outdoors?-i’m too delicate of a creature for these earthly elements, so indoors i shall stay. it’s too fucking hot outside. 

are you a musician?-actually, i used to be. i played the piano for nearly ten years and played the french horn/mellophone for another five. i wish that i still played an instrument but i barely have the will to get out of bed, much less the dedication to devote myself to an instrument

five most influential books over your lifetime.-the lovely bones by alice sebold-the green mile by stephen king-the redwall series by brian jacques-the everlost trilogy by neal shushterman-call of the wild by jack londongod......... i need to read more books

if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?-i mean, yeah?? that’s basic psychology, tbh. 

would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”?-mmaybe?? i don’t really talk that much on here (aside from these ridiculously long ask memes godd) but i’m fairly frank and i typically say what i would irl. i’m a pretty frank person. 

what’s your patronus?-already answered, but i’m changing my answer to Macho Man Randy Savage™️

which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle?-i don’t care enough about this question to answer this

would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else?-all of the above listed universes sound like shit except magic is maybe cool. pokemon is the ultimate alternate reality

do you love easily?-i used to, but i’m a bit more anxious and wary of my relationships these days

list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order.-sleeping (this summer i average like, 12 hours lmao)-browsing tunglr, sadly-this summer?? breath of the wild-staring at sketchbooks, pencil hovering over the page-eat

how often would you want to see your family every year?-my mom and dad?? once a month sounds good, if not twice. my sister?? fucking never

have you ever felt like you had a “mind-meld” with someone?-me and my SO are ridiculously close to the point where he knew i was starting my period before i even did

could you live as a hermit?-i already do

how would you describe your gender/sexuality?-i am nonbinary and pansexual. so yeah and yeah

do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”?-this is something i’ve been working on actually and it’s sorta difficult because i have some clothes that i feel do and a lot that don’t because i have a lot of ultra-femme clothes that i don’t feel as comfy in anymore. i mean, depending on my mood. also my hair is so fucking shaggy i look like a goddamn muppet. 

on a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin?-it takes a lot, because i mean people make mistakes and do/say shit that they didn’t think about. that’s for friends. other people can and will bug the fuck out of me with ease. 

three songs that you connect with right now.-monogamy by cherub-hallelujah money by gorillaz (iconic)-marijuana by chrome sparks

pick one of your favorite quotes.-uhh hmoh actually i do think i know- “i am become death, destroyer of worlds” from the bhagavad gita i know it’s generic but it’s very iconic, and i especially like hearing it in oppenheimer’s post-atomic bomb speech

[sommer-rain]

Some more sunburn in this heat around lately in finland, at least in Ostrabotnia. it’s basically +30-35C here in finland that’s as hot as it ever gets in this country so now it’s definiately not fun at all being at work in most places and i sure for my part is hella glad i’m on my vacation and don’t need to work. And i barely even tolerate +20C anyway x_x. I easily get heatstrokes and such. I have always been able to take coldness better than heat (well not when i am to swim that much but otherwise).   Got some sun tan but sunburn wins this summer.

It was all nice and good staying from monday to wednesday(today) at my sister in Kristinestad.   First day we went to Fagerö beach (which is rather around Närpes than K-stad, and takes some time to drive to) and it’s my favorite place of the swimming places we have been to. The water was surprisingly warm and super lovely there as when we went there just some day before with Marja on saturday...or maybe Marja was with us to one of the other places..hmmm :|   We barely got up from the water in Fagerö because we just couldn’t stop swimming the water. It was just so fantastic and refreshing! We could barely contain ourselves! It all just fell all too good right then right there :D.  -Afterwards we went to eat dinner at Casa in Närpes and rest of the day we were pretty much just sloppying and tried i guess to stand the heat. I think i mixing up a bit monday with tuesday. I can’t exactly recall, if it were yesterday or not we went..nooo it was on monday we went to the super cozy, nice and idyllic place called “Cornelia” on our way to Fagerö. It’s so beautiful and idyllic there!    It’s a caffée/little shop and in two of the other buildings on the yard it’s flea-markets! They have superdelicious wafflels with whipped cream and applejam! -Or with strawberry jam if you want. They also make some of their own home made ice cream there and the two current when we were there was cappuchino and other was salmiak or licorice. They had other ice creams there too and one of my favorite more rare, and finnish lemonades there too! There were other tasty things to buy there too, of course. I had hard to choose.

Yesterday, tuesday, even more hot than previous day. We went to Havsbadet, just barely five mins to drive there from my sisters house. She often bikes over there too instead of taking the car.   We didn’t swim there because the wind had blown from wrong direction so tho it was superhot otherwise it was fuck +14C in the water and it’s other suppose to be about +18C or +20C to swim during summer :(.   We tried alright but we both said, as pretty much all other who were there at the same time, that it’s SO cold it HURTS! Really not fun, even more SO ANNOYING when it all LOOKS so warm in the water and you see all those waves you just wanna run right into but nope it’s fucking ice-cold! >_< It really were. No joke.  -So we went abit instead go arouhnd in the city centrum..trying to kill time and didn’t really know what to do about all the time we had meant and wanted to spend on swimming most of that day :/.   I did actually, after along while of trying a few, buy a pair shoes, tho it wasn’t exactly that kind of shoes i had meant yo buy but all the other of that kind of shoes just didn’t exactly fit my dang feet. Well, i’m still satisfied tho with the ones i bought.

We went home to hers, went up in my bed room there on the second floor where they have it cooled down to some around +20C with the air..-i don’t know what that kind of airconditionering is called in english :/- but it felt pretty humane than even on the otherside of the corridor that goes to the staircase.   And Downstares? It’s about the same temperature as outside there and it’s like standing almost next to a..something majorily really hot. x_x You just feel really drowzy and sloppy and sleepy..except that ironic thing that the heat makes you sleepy but then also it’s too hot to be able to sleep.. :|   We throwed ourselves on the bed layed beside each other and complained about the heat and hoe good it felt being in this temperature..   The only thing we came up with to do was to watch some on netflix. (they always watch netflix) It was a..quite new series, apparentli there were already two seasons of it. It was “(the?) Frankenstein Chronicles” and we watch atm leach a few episodes. It seems like really good series, just the type of series i NEEEEDD! I really wanna watch mystic, thrilling and supernatural/fantasy series. I love that. Also, ones that isn’t afraid to be scary.   I really like the head character in this show, “Mr Marlott”. I like alot the intro too, and the OST as well!

Today then, i slept longer than the other nights and went up some time i think around 11:30~. Sister came back from her work shift at halv two, afternoon. Her husband had come back home from his work shift some time in the forenoon and had throwed himself on one of the sofas more or less sleeping.   I went outside for a while and didn’t eat much because their cat was distracting me with wanting cuddles. That  cat definiately must have gotten some heatstroke too because we all have seen how suffering and sloppy she looks doing nothing but trying to find a better spot in the shade all around the garden and yard. Like it’s hella warm even just in the shade/shadows too. And she was just happy once we put her up in the bedroom upstairs: 3. We went to check up on heer two times (since there is too doors there that is always tov be shut to keep away the heat from the the two rooms further in on that floor, but she didn’t want to from the bed at all. She just wanted cuddles when i went briefly to see if she wanted downstares. Her husband said that too when he had checked. She was all like:

We went first to Havsbadet and hoped the water temperature would be warmer than yesterday. It was..slightly warmer but still kinda too cold to enjoy and too hot up to just stay on the beach. We decided to drive to Kanonviken. Which i think, in a way, is my second favorite. Not really swimming there myself because i hate the feeling of all those green algae growing on the shallows there. >_< I really don’t like that texture.. even seaweed i can better with.   Also the place is more direct to the sea, but that doesn’t bother me. It only makes me love the place more. It’s a really nice and - if anything - rocky place. No sand there because the whole “beach” is in fact a big wide smooth flatrock..or flatrockS. Whichever.. Above the flatrock part it’s forest and mountain part of the place and you can go nature paths there too! :D You can be pretty much anywhere on the flatrocks, like perfect for sunbath. You wouldn’t even really need a blanket or alike to sit on there. You dry so fast in that sun anyway there. It’s beautiful place for someone who love rocky/mountain landscape-/places. :)    -We weren’t really swimming there either but it was still a bit warmer there than at the other place. so we were enjoying basking in the shallows on some of the further out flatrocks and enjoyed the pretty small but still enjoyable waves :).   We stopped by to by some ice cream on the way back from the swimmingplaces. I took a bit too much ice cream uagh.. but it was nice although. I took Pätkis (it’s actually really good as ice cream) and raspberry pannacotta. Both were good.

Maybe around a halfhour i were to go home back from K-stad with the bus. We were all quietly slacking inside the house, dozing off on a sofa or reading something until she drove me to the bus station.   Dad picked me up from the station in Vasa to drive home to my apartment.

I’ll really try not to be up late tonight because i’m gonna go up around 10~ in the morning to go with my friends to the local small square market that is tomorrow five mins from me. MNaybe some simple picknick too afterwards. 

[rachelsmithson]

The Best Friends and the Half-girlfriend

No this is not a story about a three-some.

Helllooooo ladies, boy do I have stories and gossip to share with you. Scandalous tales, only the best, of course. But god where to start...

So I’ve been loving my new life down here in Miami. Seriously, this city has done its work to earn the name “The Magic City”. It is magical, in quite a fantastic manner really. There is an aire of confidence that everyone walks around with, a sort of ballsy spunk, with a bit of spire and sexual fiestiness that maintains a slightly electric, yet incredibly laid-back environment. And you come to crave it, after a while. You probably won’t show up craving it but give or take a month and a half or two months and you find yourself sporting a desire for what is famously known as the Miami vice. 

Now before I continue, I should remind you of a few things. I change names, so everyone is ultimately anonymous-because if not, then what is the point of an anonymous blog. Secondly, reality check, I’m fucking bloated af. Like dying. I’m about to get my period but this past week I swear I’ve just ballooned. Like fuck me. But all in the natural cycle I guess, and I just am going to have to wait this one out. I eat like a freak so I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with me eating like shit because I honestly don’t eat. Unhealthy, sure. But you have your problems, and I have mine. So let’s just be accepting and move on. But my point with that whole thing is that I’m human. You’re human. So I’m going to tell you my stories, and draw you in. I want you to be right there with me. Seeing it through my eyes, experiencing it through my body. As someone who wants to go into film, I want to know that I can not only tell the story, but create the entire essence of it. But remember, at the end of the day, I’m a writer, and part of the beauty of being a writer is you get to create the truth. Yes, you heard me. You don’t simply copy down your stories. If you don’t like the ending, or you don’t like the part in the middle, you, as a writer, have the ability to create your own story--the one that you tell the audience. I’m a big believer in not twisting the truth. I see it as lying to my audience. But as you sit there and read this, you should be questioning me. Aww see, now I’ve got you thinking, wondering, skeptical. I guess you’re just going to have to take my word for it. But if I’m making you think, I’ve done my job.

So, on to the best friends and the half-girlfriend. Yet, because there are the shitty situations I get myself into. I’m telling you, it’s that Miami vice. 

On August 17th, I picked up my life from my beautiful studio apartment in Midtown and moved myself into Unit #3902 in what I am going to call for the sake of this blog, the San Maritz Brickell, on Brickell Bay Drive. Damn I’m going to miss that studio apartment. All the windows, facing west. Watching the sunset almost every evening. Yeah, I’m really going to miss it. But I can’t think of a better place to have stayed for my introduction to Miami. I think it truly set me up for success.

Mandy, the sweetheart that she is, helped me move all my things. We were exhausted by the end of the day. I also had literally zero furniture. I started work on August 21st and since then, it’s been a crazy slew of working really hard and attempting to slowly fill my apartment with furniture. 

The Sunday after moving into my place, I had Oliver’s friend Zach follow me on Instagram. Not realizing who it was at first, I followed him back. As I was looking at his insta, I realized this was the guy who my friend Samantha had hooked up with when we visited the 305 in April. I also realized that a lot of his photos were tagged at the location “San Maritz Brickell”. I saw there wondering and finally said fuck it and dm’d Zach. “Hey sorry this is a bit weird but do you live in the San Maritz Brickell?” Came to find out that indeed, he does. Last I had remembered, he had told my friend he would be moving to NYC and working for a large enterprise corporation there so I was surprised. We exchanged phone numbers and low key texted throughout the weekend. That Sunday before I started working the following day, he messaged me being like hey want to go to the hot tub. I said yes, and thought nothing of it. 

Now allow me to delve for a minute into the nature of the friendship between Zach & Oliver. Zach is like Oliver’s older brother. He’s one of the few people that Oliver actually looks up to and trusts and listens to and even, leans from. And that’s saying something because Oliver is one stubborn, hard-headed boy.

That night Zach and I hung out for almost 5 hours. I don’t think I thought anything of it until later, but that’s a long time to hang out with anyone really especially the first time you’re hanging out. Oliver was going to be returning to Miami that evening and I was low-key excited. This was our chance, we were finally in the same city, and this was really honestly our last shot at making this work. However, when he texted me back he was clearly not happy about his friends and i living in the same building and felt it was “sketchy”. Of course. Here we go again. In the following days after Sunday, Zach and I hit the hot tub on Monday, Tuesday, and Friday. On Friday, Zach turns to me and asks if I’ve talked to Oliver or told him we had been hanging out. “No, not at all” was my response. Oliver and I had started to text that day but he would take 4-5 hours to respond to me, which is just pure bullshit. As I came to find out, apparently that same day Zach had liked one of my photos on instagram of me with my dad and Oliver texted him being like, “Oh so are you a big fan of Rachel’s dad?” Greatttt... Zach showed me the conversation that had back and forth although it wasn’t anything particularly interesting. Just typical Oliver being petty and Zach being like yo what’s your issue tho. Zach continued on to tell me how Oliver wanted to go out, but Zach wasn’t feeling it. At one point he started joking about showing up with me and I was like, “Could we not do that though? That’ll just be so awkward for both me and Oliver”. That night Zach and I were in the hot tub until 10:30pm when it started to downpour. We grabbed our stuff and raced into my building. Oh, I should add, there are two towers in my building. Zach lives in the other one. We get inside and agree that we will keep drinking at my place and then he can go back to his building and change and then we can go out. That way, if it was raining, I wouldn’t have to get my hair wet (Zach’s quote, you know I don’t give a damn about this).

Once inside my apartment, he turned to me and goes “Hey, do you have a towel or something I can use for now? I don’t really want to just be sitting around in a wet bathing suit”. I obviously respect that, because that sucks, so I gave him a towel and he changed out of his bathing suit. So in the back of my mind, I’m like great, now this guy is pretty much naked in a towel walking around in my living room. Which at the time had zero furniture in it anyways. I had also just assumed because Zach and Oliver were such good friends and Zach had hooked up with my best friend Samantha, that there was no way anything would ever happen between Zach and I. Too many reasons not to.

But there we are in my apartment, and at this point I decide that if I’m going out, I’m drinking tequila. So I pull out the tequila I had bought that day and cracked the bottle. I made myself a drink and then he started sipping on it. 

“What’s in this?”

“Tequila, lime juice, and club soda”

“Oh man”, he laughs. “Tequila makes me horny”.

However, he keeps drinking mine so I make myself my own. We sit on my floor, joking around. Him playfully slapping my ass once or twice, but it was all in good fun. I truly had no concept of just how much we had drank until I went over to the bottle to make more, and realized we had finished the entire bottle of tequila. Like...whattttttt. But one thing lead to another. First, he was rubbing my neck because it was sore from kickboxing. Then, he turned me around so he could “take care of it properly” and started massaging my neck and shoulders and back. At this point, I was obviously dying inside and really enjoying this. Then he asked me if I would mind doing the same for his. Being drunk and in an incredibly flirty mood (thank you tequila), I straddled his back and sat on his butt and started rubbing his back, shoulders, head and arms. Occasionally he would list his hands to try to feel my butt and my legs, and I would push them down and massage them instead. But then at one point, I Started to run my nails up and down his back. I could feel him tensing up whenever I ran them over a certain part of his back and I kept doing that. Slowly, smoothly, in long strokes. 

And all of a sudden my world was flipped upside down and my mind was blown. Lol, well that’s the short version of the story anyways. One moment, I am on top of him and the next I am underneath him and we are making out. And our clothes are coming off. And we are in my living room on the carpet with the whole of Miami out there able to see it for whoever is fortunate enough to have a view of 39 floors up. He firmly pushes me up against the wall with my back to him before reaching around and very literally ripping my bra off. We left our phones in the living room that night and made it to my bed before tackling each other. He’s on my neck and biting my lip and I swear my life had turned into a dirty fantasy. I can’t make this shit up. He likes in in more ways than one so got to have some fun with that. Firm, slightly rough, without being aggressive. Now that’s a gift. After it was done, he grabbed us water and we ended up passing out. When we woke up at 5am, we had sex again, took a shower together, and then he showed me the show Rick & Morty till 7am. Then, he talked to me outside on my balcony from 7am to 9am. It was really nice, he’s actually an amazing guy. From Chicago, was in the armed services, incredibly discipline and work ethic, 26, down to earth, and these crazy crazy green eyes. So after he left that morning, I did the only thing I know how to do. I told myself it was never going to happen again. 

But that didn’t stop me from dreaming about it for pretty much all of the beginning of last week. Literally, I’d be at work and all of a suddeen I was being pulled into some dark erotic corner of my mind, and having to snap myself out of it. My only source of relief came from the text I got on Wednesday that confirmed I hadn’t been the only one thinking about it. I’m not going to go into detail about what this text said but it referenced the bottle of tequila and what came after it made me turn as pink as the dress I was wearing. I literally couldn’t even finish reading it or respond to it until I was completely out of work. This flirting over text went back and forth till Thursday afternoon. I had to grab drinks with a guy, a pity date if you will because he fucked up once and is still trying to make it up to me and I was not having it. So we grabbed drinks and I was outta there by 7:30pm. Zach asked if I wanted to hit the hot tub so we ended up doing that until 11pm and then went back up to my place and ordered pizza. We kept drinking and stayed up till about 2am, but slight catch. We were genuinely talking about shit. IVY social, the Wells Fargo crash, the incident with Morgan Stanley. And when we went to bed, he very much came to bed with me. But not without a bit of sex first :) We both slept about 3.5 hours that night, but I honestly would say it was worth it. I was dying to have that happen again and really needed it. I felt so much better afterwards. However, I do need to look into numbing lube. Yes, apparently this is a thing and the only way I know about it is through him. He got a bit weird earlier on me this weekend, but I think he’s just making sure we both keep some distance between us since we are both also seeing other people. I’m cool with that, it’s probably healthier.

But the amount I’ve been thinking about him isn’t and I gotta watch that. Oliver and him got in a bit of a spat the other night over me, but the problem is I haven’t talked to oliver since last saturday. He doesn’t even reach out. So like bro, what you hollerin about. I can tell that Oliver is super suspicious though. His intuition is incredibly strong and he knows something is up. I feel bad but at the same time I’m like “dude you’re fucking up”. Like it would at least help his case if he reached out but he won’t. And I know that. And I guess I’m going to be okay with it because I need to get over him. Zach is a fucking genius and strategic af so he used the situation to his advantage to be like dude, all bets are off with any of your past girls. If I want to hook up with Rachel, I will. So that way if we ever ran into him out, Oliver couldn’t say anything. Meanwhile, I’m over here just basking in my Miami glory. Living a life of spice with a side of drama.

That’s all until next time. Don’t get into too much trouble this Labor Day. XxR.