#thishasbeeninmydraftsforawhile

[444nhii]

The Museum of Ex-Lovers

Curatorial Statement:

This all began with clutter. Not a grand idea. just the slow accumulation of things I never returned: a shirt, a card, a pair of earrings. I didn’t throw them away, because truth be told, I didn’t have the heart. one day i realised i was holding onto a whole archive of past lives i have lived. a collection of things tied to people i had once loved, and the different versions of me that loved them.

some items still get a laugh out of me. some still sting a little. i did not want to make heartbreak the theme of this collection. however, i have to acknowledge that it’s the scaffolding— it shaped the foundation of the walls of this exhibit.

the main themes are about memory, identity, and how much we change through our lived experiences with people, who may not be in our lives anymore.

the common human condition is that we try to forget people, and even suppress the memories to avoid the pain once we lose them.

however, love—real or mistaken—

always leaves something behind.

this collection is my way of holding all of it; messy, personal, and in my opinion— beautiful. i hope as you continue to walk through the halls that echo my past, you don’t just see lost love. i hope you see that through love lost—there is growth. there is someone who is still figuring it out, but who’s learned to make something meaningful out of what remains.

so maybe what this collection is, is a messy gratitude for every almost, every undoing. bc without them, i wouldn’t be here. & today— i am someone i’m proud of.

‘The Things I Didn’t Return’ Collection:

-[Item No. 001]

A long sleeved white shirt that still subtly smell like Denmark’s countryside. when i put it on, it is almost like i can smell the wet wood and mildew mornings when R and me went on walks. I remember the first time I came to Denmark, I didn’t realise normal mascara does not work in cold wet weather and we laughed when i turned to look at him and my eyes were smudged like a crazy person.

the shirt is far too big for me, because he was 205cm tall, contrasting my 153cm height. We often would get comments on our height difference. It brings a soft comfort of nostalgia—an innocent love. The first time I believed in forever and soul mates.

-[Item No. 002]

a pair of rusty earrings shaped in daffodils gifted by an ex’s mother. she used to always buy me flowers, more times than he did.

catalogued under: “tokens from the people who thought i’d stay.”

-[Item No. 003]

a wooden monkey figurine. gifted by an ex’s father, a rough looking german man. yet, his eyes softened when he gazed at his son. Given not for an occasion, not for my birthday— but simply just because i said i liked it. he packed it in a box and wouldn’t take “no” for an answer.

-[Item No. 004]

a thick black cotton t-shirt. the fabric is coarse, scratches when worn. the shirt tells a story of: “she knows what it means to be touched by love (it wasn’t), and to be touched by force.”

-[Item No. 005]

a collection of cards. various sizes. it lays in a messy scrawl; almost imitating the last moments I had with this person. “I love yous.”, “forevers.”, and pet names that no longer carry weight—all scribbled inside.

categorised under: sentimental lies.

-[Item No. 006]

a promise ring, decorated with a dull white moonstone—which was once shiny and full of life. Inscribed with vows of elopement and infinity.

sourced in Naarm: the city where I first met the man who offered it.

-[Item No. 007]

a pair of pink-tinted sunglasses, shaped like hearts and flame. just like flames to a matchstick, our time together was short-lived. bright, loud, and over far too fast. and i realised with him; when you hold on too long—you will get scorched.

I still curate this collection. new items come in waves whenever the “new” collection, which i would like to call “I Can See Myself Spending Forever With You”, gets scrapped. it happens every few years. i archive what’s left. salvage the soft things. catalogue the rest. the new collection never gets permanently scrapped, it awaits until i try again — number of items are currently inside, curated and collected within the past two years. although, sometimes i think,

“perhaps this collection deserves a new museum; one where the walls aren’t already smeared with fingerprints, and one that isn’t haunted by the people who left.”

although my anxious thoughts always divert back to what it wants to believe as “reasoning” and “logic pattern recognition”: the fear that this new collection, too, might become a permanent exhibit in this same museum. though i recognise that this is old abandonment wounds resurfacing. and i am learning to no longer entertain anxiety.

So you will see that, as we make our way down through the halls, there is a featured exhibit with one special item — one that at some point was shunned, locked and left in darkness. Too painful to revisit.

Yet, one day, i dont remember when or what month — it suddenly stopped hurting and I actually started to admire the piece and even allow it back into circulation.

I have put it on display for outside. A quiet exhibit that no one knew they entered.

Featured Exhibit:

Item No. 008 — The Necklace

The Avoidant Palestinian Ex, b. 1994. Van, 2023. 18ct gold chain with Arabic calligraphy pendant. Pearl carved into floral backing; script adorned with white gemstones. Commissioned as a birthday gift, prior to his emotional detachment. Gifted post-“breakup”. Brief reconnection followed. Our final correspondence: May 2023.

Curator’s Note:

this piece began as an idea in casual conversation. i was over at his apartment. he was washing the dishes, and i was curled up on his couch. i was trying to feel at ease, maybe even at home, in a space that never quite let me in—nor welcomed me. there was always a tension between us that i could never quite put my finger on.

deep down i knew why, but just like him — i was in denial.

the tension was Quiet. Unspoken. sometimes it smoldered. i cant remember when i figured it out, but i solved that puzzle on a random day — in passing:

it was a ghost that was in his home. maybe it followed him too.

I think he still pretends not to see it. But I did. Some days the ghost was silent, lingering only in the corners of his apartment. But every now and then, it would come out of hiding, reminding us that it was there and sometimes, its presence slipped out of his mouth — in casual passing. not enough to raise suspicion or concern for the average person.

but i was no average person. and i knew.

I guess the ghost represented something: it not only haunted him, but it also prevented anyone from ever staying. he does not acknowledge this though, sometimes even denies the ghosts presence. but that is his story to tell.

i cant remember how the idea started, but i remember his words:

“i was thinking of getting you a birthday gift. maybe your name? in arabic? as a necklace?” he asked me. i remember faintly how he looked up to observe my reaction.

i didn’t know what to expect. because to be honest, at some point in my life; i did not like my name at all. however i agreed, perhaps excitedly—because it was one of the few moments, where something from him felt clear. intentional. it didn’t feel like I was guessing. just a quiet, beautiful idea… without all the confusion that was attached with us.

and with this gift, he also showed his impeccable timing; he ended things before the necklace arrived. he asked a friend who was overseas, at the time, to help commission it, and by the time it reached my hands, he was already out of reach.

i remembered that we sort of laughed when the necklace arrived.

“it’s kinda extra,” he warned before he sent photos.

“a bit much,” i responded in agreement.

he told me the necklace wasn’t quite what he envisioned. and i remember wondering. if he meant the necklace

or if he meant us.

It indeed was a loud piece, contrasting his personality; someone that was quiet about their feelings.

We reconnected briefly, but like the footprints we used to leave in the sand, it vanished with the next waves. Faster than I always expected.

post 2023;

i still wear it—because somewhere along the way, the item no longer connected me to him,

it instead became an emblem of me.

i stopped hating my name. i stopped wishing it sounded like the other names you hear in the Western world. eg. the jessicas, the sarahs and the emilys

the names that baristas never had to ask you to repeat, and repeat and repeat

“vanessa,” i’d say instead of “van.”

easier.

less questions.

less shrinking.

less inconvenient.

so this necklace invited me to love my name again. to see my name adorned in pearl and gold, to hear it roll off a language not my own and feel held.

not hidden.

not mocked. but appreciated and seen.

i won’t pretend i reclaimed this piece completely as my own. if i did, it wouldn’t be in this collection.

“so, why does it still remain here?”

because some things, although you bid them farewell, linger quietly—only to reappear, as if they never left.

it was a quiet evening and i don’t remember where i was going— i just remember the moment the realisation hit. i put the necklace on like i always have done. i clasped it without thinking,

and i glanced at the mirror

my head tilting as i ran my fingers over the gold and pearl.

it was just like every other day.

nothing special.

nothing new.

yet my gaze—itwas oddly stuck on my reflection, it hung there longer than it should have.

and suddenly,

i wasn’t seeing a necklace anymore.

i was seeing him.

the gold arabic scripture twisted and it flinched, it was no longer my name i saw,

but it was his.

the first letter,

bold, unapologetic,

staring back at me

like it had always been waiting for me to notice. as if the mirror unveiled the smoke.

like a secret I’d worn for years, without knowing.

i laughed at this revelation. because how poetic. how cruel. how on brand for the universe. of course my fucking name was reflecting back as his initial. whether he planned it that way or not, i’ll never know. maybe it was a coincidence,

maybe he was more clever than i gave him credit for.

either way, it felt like the universe’s cosmic joke. a beautiful piece of jewellery; meant to honour me, yet somehow still belonging to him. as if the universe was saying:

“You don’t get to forget the one who changed you.”

so, what else could i do? the choice was to either resist what it all meant, or wear it proudly.

so, i clutch on the necklace as i walk through this museum. i realise that every artifact here has taught me something:

each person, in their own flawed and unique way, left something behind. whether it was a lesson, a scar, a gift.

i love my name now,

i say it with pride

i repeat it once, twice,

and even three times.

it’s Van.

i no longer tell people that my name is

vanessa.

“it’s v for victor, a for alpha and n for nelly (i don’t know why, but aussies rly like to use nelly as the phonetic alphabet)”

some things don’t need to be buried. just as my name doesnt, nor does any of the memories together with the people that i had once proclaimed my love for.

they can sit against my skin,

rest near my pulse,

it can remind me that yes, this did hurt. but i lived. and i have changed.

Upcoming Featured Item: Item No. 009 — The Jade Bangle

“Not Yet Archived”

[gilsgirl]

911 Lone Star Season 4 - My Thoughts

[Long Post Warning]

🚒

Oh hey tumblr, it's me! I've had this idea in my head for a while and thought that since most of my tumblr following is Spam-bots and inactive/deleted accounts (There's a few of you who are still active, so heyyy thanks for still following me!) that I would do my first one on Tumblr. I would love to start Youtube channel, but I still feel a bit shy.

I used to write a lot! If you have been following my blog since, geez, 2012 you know that. Unfortunately, I have been in a very long period of writers block. I'm hoping getting creative ideas on the page will help me start to write again.

The idea I have is to explain what I would want to see happen, or what I would do if I was one of the story writers of some of my favorite shows upcoming seasons. Or even what I think will be happening in these upcoming seasons. I hope this makes sense lol!

The first show I want to deep dive into has been my hyper-fixation show for the past several months (thanks @iboatedhere 🤣). I mean, I have watched the first three seasons of this show maybe 15 times at this point! I just found out a couple weeks ago that they have started production for season 4, and I am so excited to see what is in store! Of course the show I am talking about is 911 Lone Star!

Let's begin:

What I think will happen/What I want to happen

Sectioned by character:

Owen

This man annoys me 10/10 so I hope we see him continue to go to therapy.

I really enjoyed the storyline they gave us at the end of season 3 with Owen returning to California to say goodbye to his father.

I could see the half-brother doing the same thing, coming to Austin trying to connect to his father's past. I also love that irl the actor playing Owen's half-brother is Rob Lowe's brother. That is cool!

Owen telling TK about his past. Does TK know he's named after Owen's brother?

I want Owen and Catherine back together - I know they're toxic af, but I love two type-A characters bouncing off each other!

TK/Carlos (they're together because their relationship is a main storyline)

Jesus....

If they injure this man again...*clenches fist*

Role reverse with Carlos? Carlos gets injured, and TK is at the bedside.

Here's how I would do it: Carlos takes his detective test, passes. Gets put on this high profile case. While investigating, gets kidnapped. Not just for several hours like TK/Tommy/Nancy is that one episode, but for weeks. Then the TK sobriety storyline could tie into this as well. Obviously, when he is found he's relatively okay. They could also tie this into the Judd PTSD storyline too.

Tarlos wedding

less fade to black scenes...this is why I wish that this show wasn't on cable TV. They do fade to black for all the romance aspects. Nancy and Mateo, TK and Carlos, Owen and Catherine.

Paul

I just want this man to be HAPPY! Please 🙏

I would love to see the sister come back in some way, that would be a cool idea

Judd

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Wyatt storyline! I think it saved his character tbh

I would love to see more from this storyline, but from the season 3 finale it made it seem like Wyatt is going off to college and won't be around.

More about the accident at the beginning of the show. PTSD doesn't just go away like they portrayed.

Maybe during a BBQ the grill does that thing that grills do where the flame

Marjan

Much like Paul, I want Marjan to be on a call and click with someone they are saving.

Maybe she gets hurt on a call. Nothing big, but needs to be out for a couple weeks.

She bumps into this person during that time and starts to secretly date them.

OF COURSE Paul is the first to sniff that shit out! He is her BFF, obviously!

Nancy

GIVE ME A NANCY BACKSTORY!

I want to know why she decided to become an EMT. In the O.G. 911 they did this for Hen and it was a really cool concept.

Similar, there is an episode where she talks about her sister, show me the family!!!

More scenes between her and Mateo. I STG is the writers make them break up I will do something detrimental...

Mateo

(similar to Nancy) GIVE ME A BACKSTORY!!

They hinted at a backstory several times: Dad being in Guadalajara, and being a DREAMER. That is great bones for a backstory! Just saying.

You can tell that Mateo and Nancy's characters were never meant to be apart of the ensemble, but the audience loved their characters so much that they now have storylines. I am excited to see where the writers take them.

Tommy

One of the twins starts getting in trouble at school

Maybe series finale, or series middle finale the twin sets a fire in the school? Or does that seem too much?

Tommy embracing the single Mom life, finally feeling steady in her routine.

It also would be a good idea for Tommy to think that she see's her late husband at one of their scenes. Starts seeing him everywhere. It's not him though, just a man that looks like him.

🚒

What I would write

🚑 Judd goes to surprise visit Wyatt, only to find out that he dropped out of college. He can't get a hold of him, and goes to work. On a call, a new firehouse shows up with fancy gear, tech, truck and their new tech guy...Wyatt.

🚒 Add a single season character, who's exit at the end of the season makes for good drama! AKA this character gets k!lled off. My initial thoughts would be a untamable, young firefighter with survivors guilt, like Judd, gets sent to Owens team