#this world is leeching the concept of 'good' from me

[ashes-in-a-jar]

I haven't thought much about Jonathan Sims for long enough that I kinda feel like I've started thinking about him a little more divorced of the emotional attachment I might have had once. Because I just saw a post lamenting his slow descent into inhumanity and losing his identity, becoming the archivist rather than Jonathan Sims, losing his friends, his house, everything he loves.

But is that true? That put upon head archivist persona he had in the beginning, was that really him? The way I see it, real life has already leached him of any identity he might have had, he didn't really have friends, Tim and Sasha clearly weren't, as we saw in their season 5 recording. He chose to make them his subordinates over beib friends, pushed away Georgie, he became so desperate for approval that he agreed to take a job he clearly has no idea how to do, let his stress over it isolate him from everyone around him, had a desperate need to assert himself in the beginning of every recording as 'head archivist of the Magnus institute london'. Forget about even having a home, he often slept in his office for heaven's sake.

The way I see it, this story is about him finding himself, finding the perfect place for himself in this already doomed world that was already strangling him and everyone around him. He became the Archivist, no longer needing to connect himself to some godforsaken capitalistic institute to identify himself. found his role, he enjoyed its power, even admitted to it. He found love. He found purpose in trying to save the world. In the end he was surrounded with the friends he made along the way (as friendly as they could be under the circumstances). He was finally allowed to make real choices, have true responsibility over himself and not be some tired corporate worker, part of a tired pointless system. Sure his choices weren't that great, and getting there was through outside manipulation and his own ignorance and he had to suffer immensely and pay an awful price of what we like to call his "humanity" but he Became and found what we all look for - his calling.

"It's still me" he says in the last episode. Because he is. He lost nothing and gained everything. Even dying in his lover's arms.

Forget about being human. In the end Jon achieves apotheosis and truly becomes Jonathan Sims

[theorist-fox]

The concept of Bad Man Simon Riley who's aware he's a Bad Man™️ is one I hold very dear to me.

Masterlist 🦊

Simon Riley is, fully and completely, what people envision as a bad man. He's a convoluted character who carries a lot of baggage, and that same weight has crushed him into the beast he is today.

His reflection is his constant reminder of the bad things he's done and endured. And when you have such a blatant, ever-present memento of how dark you really are, it's hard to forget.

He doesn't bother putting up a facade. Won't help the lady cross the street, nor will he take a bullet for someone else. No one has ever done that for him, so it's only natural to give the world a taste of its own medicine. He doesn't even try; it just happens.

It takes him nothing to leave Soap behind in Las Almas and find shelter in an abandoned church. Sure, he'll cover for him—if the lad is fast enough, that is. Saving Alejandro afterwards is a mere ploy to make this blasted mission end sooner—true, no one fights alone, but he'd like to get out of there as soon as possible, thank you very much.

Barely brushes the concept of Price's injury when he faints due to the inhalation of some Sarin gas of sorts. Can only think that if he'd died, he would have to take the captain's place in leading the operation. A fucking bummer alright—but cap's fine, thankfully, right? One less thing to worry about now.

Won't try to start relationships, because what good can he bring when he can't even drop a kind word for himself? He's awful, inside and out, and he's aware.

What happens, then, when he's suddenly loved?

What happens, then, when you're sliding under his skin, pretending you don't see the rot and the grime?

The question of "why" is pinned to the front of his brain like an annoying leech that plagues him day and night.

On the couch, you're absolutely unbothered by his dark presence next to you. You're just munching on popcorn and watching some film he doesn't even remember the name of.

"Y'should go," he says out of the blue.

You barely spare him a glance. "Film's not over yet."

No, that isn't what he meant, but he has an inkling that you've gathered that already.

"Ain't good for ya," he insists. "Ain't good for anyone, but that's a whole 'nother story."

You side-eye him from your end of the couch. "Self-deprecating at dinner time? Could you move it up the schedule a little, like—breakfast or somethin'."

He doesn't understand. Won't get through his skull. Share a home with him, and for what? What's he giving you that you're coveting so hard, enough to find it easy to snark back at a beast like him—poking the bear while wearing flimsy cotton shorts and a band t-shirt?

"Y'don't understand," he grits out. "I ain't a good man, love."

"Oh, I know." You say, popping a handful of popcorns in your mouth. "And?"

It irks him. Wants to bite off your head, but, surprisingly, he still has morals, and he wouldn't even dare touch you with ill intent.

"Don't act stupid, now." He warns.

"Ain't acting stupid." You reply as if there is some obvious thing he isn't getting. "You've done bad things, and bad things were done to you. That it?"

He hums as a frown paints his face.

"Should I love you less?" You go on, "Or not love you at all?"

"The latter."

"Wrong." You add as soon as he responds. "Wrong, because that's what you believe, not the truth."

He cocks a brow at your apparent arrogance. A nod in your direction, "What's the truth, then?"

You place the bucket of popcorn on the coffee table. "Truth is that you're human, Simon."

Now that's a word he wouldn't associate with himself.

Monster. Beast. Bear. Wraith, or demon. Ghost.

"As a person, good and bad can coexist—there is no such thing as night and day." You go on, seemingly unaware of the turmoil you've unleashed on his poor heart.

Keep saying the word person around him this often, and he'll start believing he is one.

So, you have seen the rotten flesh and the mud coating his insides. You have buried your hands in his viscera and coated your skin with his blood and the one he's spilled.

You know, and yet you're here. You're here because you've also seen something else, something he's not aware is there.

Same thing that made his heart lurch when Price wasn't waking up. Same thing that made him hide, prone in the bell tower of a Mexican church, making sure Soap would get back in one piece.

Same thing that has him gaze at you now, with eyes that sting with clear, fresh water. No rotting liquid, no oozing pus, or sickening blood.

You shrug, "Maybe your sun is a little eclipsed, but there's that. I can still see it, y'know?"

You outstretch your leg. Press the tips of your toes against his thigh. The world is suddenly in technicolor, and his chest warms like a rekindled flame.

You wink. "And it's bright as hell, too."

[merakiui]

Hi Meraaaa, 🦈 anon here, it's been a while!! How have you been?

I've been lurking in the shadows, but haven't been feeling in the Twst mood lately... Until the Mermaid Fin cards that is 🫣🫣 Neither of them came home sadly, but oml those groovies!!! They rly decided to feed us well after making us wait so long for them,,,

How dare they censor beloved eelussy though!!! Show us the goods if you were going to put Jade in that pose!! Speaking of Jade, I couldn't stop laughing at how he views Floyd and Azul, he's such a silly eel,,

That body swap concept with him sounds really fun!! I imagine at first he really didn't view you any differently from the others, but then you show some genuine interest in what he's doing in the Mountain Lovers Club and he falls in love instantly <33

🦈 ANON, HIII!!!! (≧ᗜ≦) I'm happy to hear from you again!! I hope you're doing well! As for myself, I've just recovered from a slight flu and so I'm feeling much better!!! Seeing the new eel groovies helped to heal my ailing spirit faster!! ᕙ( •̀ ᗜ •́ )ᕗ

Censoring eelussy....... (◞‸◟；) one can only imagine what lies behind those bubbles,,, aaaa Jade in that sort of position with such a callous expression!!!! I need him to drown me in the sea and eat my intestines. orz he's too perfect and so unexpectedly funny. Dream Floyd and Azul are immensely silly. To think that eel couldn't get even more amazing. AND HIS LAUGHTER!!!!! JADE LEECH, YOU ARE THE FUNNIEST EEL ON STAGE RIGHT NOW.

AAAA YES!!!! That's brilliant... Jade who sees you just like everyone else and only truly warms up when you show persistent and authentic interest in his hobbies. He is so cherished. 🥺 and then you learn just how much you light up his world when you're in his body and viewing everyone from Jade's eyes!!!

[deezee112]

Concept twst AU Squid Game

( Before you guys read this, let me tell you that English is not my first language. If I type something wrong, you can tell me and I will fix it. )

P.S. MC is clearly written as a woman, height, history, and personality, but does not specify physical appearance.

GN!MC

First of all, this AU takes place in a timeline before MC enters the twst world, so I think it would be interesting that before MC meets them in the twst world, MC meets them in the real world first.

And another interesting thing for me is that in the world of twst, they are rich, have a good status, and have a stable job. But in the real world, they have a lot of debt and are poor. (ruggie is still as poor as ever)

I think when MC came to play this game, it was because of the debt he had, maybe from his family or whatever he wanted.

But I think MC has some history similar to 120 (I can't remember her name) that she used to be a special forces soldier So I think she might be several times taller than the average woman, maybe over 180, and might have a figure similar to a man.

And in this AU, Grim and ortho are humans, so I guess they also have debts.

I think this game timeline can be viewed in two ways as part 1 or part 2. So you can imagine that you are in part 1 or part 2.

And of course as I said MC is number 456.

And here are the debts they probably have ( me and my friend discussed this And I randomize the numbers so most of the numbers I randomize.).

Riddle Rosehearts

Player : 101

Debt : Financial ruin after trying to uphold impossible standards as a perfectionist lawyer.

Trey Clover

Player : 277

Debt : Financial ruin after trying to uphold impossible standards as a perfectionist lawyer.

Cater Diamond

Player : 345

Debt : Overspending on his fake social media persona left him bankrupt.

Ace Trappola

Player : 089

Debt : Lost everything gambling after being scammed by friends.

Deuce Spade

Player : 112

Debt : His desire to help his struggling family led him to loan sharks.

Leona Kingscholar

Player : 150

Debt : Reckless spending and failed investments drained his family’s fortune.

Ruggie Bucchi

Player : 223

Debt : Grew up in poverty and borrowed money to support his family but fell deeper into debt.

Jack Howl

Player : 309

Debt : Took on debts to pay for college but was unable to keep up with payments.

Azul Ashengrotto

Player : 175

Debt : His once-successful luxury food business collapsed under competition, leaving him with unpaid loans.

Jade Leech

Player : 051

Debt : Co-signed Azul’s loans and got dragged into the fallout.

Floyd Leech

Player : 052

Debt : Recklessly spent money on gambling and lost big.

Kalim Al-Asim

Player : 304

Debt : His once-wealthy family was conned out of their fortune, leaving him penniless.

Jamil Viper

Player : 174

Debt : Took on Kalim’s debts to protect him but is bitter about the situation.

Vil Schoenheit

Player : 091

Debt : Fell from fame due to scandals and lawsuits, losing everything.

Epel Felmier

Player : 333

Debt : Family farm went bankrupt, and he took on loans to try saving it.

Rook Hunt

Player : 404

Debt : Spent exorbitant amounts pursuing his artistic hobbies, leading to financial ruin.

Idia Shroud

Player : 012

Debt : Crippling gambling addiction tied to his love of online games.

Ortho Shroud (Human)

Player : 102

Debt : Ortho’s debt stems from medical bills, failed technological projects, and personal loans that he took out to try and keep his family business alive after their passing. These debts were exacerbated by his desperation

Malleus Draconia

Player : 065

Debt : Lost his family fortune due to mysterious circumstances, now a recluse.

Lilia Vanrouge

Player : 184

Debt : Took on debts trying to help others but was betrayed

Silver

Player : 217

Debt : Inherited debt from his family, despite trying to live modestly.

Sebek zigvolt

Player : 324

Debt : He owes a large sum of money to a powerful group that used his debts to manipulate and control him.

y/n

Player : 456

Debt : No personal debt but Need money to pay off family debts

Grim (Human)

Player : 067

Debt : Gambling addiction left him deeply in debt after losing his family’s inheritance

Che'nya

Player : 297

Debt : A combination of gambling debts and reckless investments in travel and lifestyle.

Neige LeBlanche

Player : 209

Debt : His extravagant lifestyle, including luxury purchases and costly beauty treatments, left him in crippling debt after his fame faded.

Rollo Flamme

Player : 315

Debt : Lost his fortune after an unsuccessful business venture in the entertainment industry, now trying to regain his family’s lost wealth.

Ernesto Foulworth

Player : 234

Debt : A high-stakes gambler with an obsession with luxury cars and expensive hobbies. His addiction led to his financial downfall.

Skully J Graves

Player : 103

Debt : A failed actor with mountains of debt after gambling away his small inheritance. His pursuit of fame turned into an obsession with keeping up appearances.

Imagine MC playing Six-Legged Pentathlon with Azul.

[cassandra-knows]

Ff

As a Millennial I was scarred by having my formative political years coincide with the rise of Dubya.

I didn't think anyone could possibly be thick enough to vote him in. And they didn't-! But he was escorted over the line by others in power, went on to miss a devastating attack on home soil and used it to start a war for oil, THEN GOT ELECTED FOR REAL ON THAT RECORD. All while coming across as a total nitwit.

Since I was in middle school I have been dumbfounded by what Republicans will steal in broad daylight and browbeat everyone into shifting the overton window to accept. No one called foul on them. No one EVER calls foul on them.

You can go all the way back to America's Original Sin and see the exact same pattern that has repeated over and over and over again. A small group of wealthy people pitch a fit about a policy that would hamper their acquisition of more wealth and power, cloaking their greed in the language of religious righteousness or patrotism or paternalism or fearmongering, and the rest of the people with wealth and power may talk a good game about equity and justice but at the end of the day they have far more in common with their fellow parasites so they agree to carve out an exception for them. But the wealth addicts have no concept of 'enough', only 'more' so they spend a few decades learning to exploit the status quo and when they hit that ceiling that bust through it increasingly brazen audacity and act like they're the victims, or they're entitled to it, or God promised it to them, or just WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT, HUH? Actually ousting and defanging these leeches would risk the whole country coming undone. (WOULD IT THOUGH?! Maybe now, but that's because it's been left to fester for so long!!!) So we'll pretend this coup/ethnic cleansing/fraud on the people doesn't actually count. But just this once! Just the one time. We'll definitely get serious and punish the next person who tries something really bad.

When I was a teen I was appalled by everything about the War On Terror. I couldn't understand why my fellow youths weren't marching in the streets. Our parents were former hippies, what happened to that spark?! The apathy was deafening. It broke something in me: I felt so helpless.

Now I know why they didn't march. Because the hippies were always a minority counter culture, and the rest bought into Greed Is Good, this is how the world works so you better learn to play the game. Even my former hippie dad was adamant that I needed to learn the game in order to look after myself. As a generation Millennials were told a lie about how to secure our futures, and certainly older Millennials bought it. If the global economy hadn't crashed in 2008, it we'd been allowed the same advantages as our parents, we would be just as insufferable as the worst Boomers.

I worry that the decades of zero options, zero hope, zero money, have fostered that apathy. We literally couldn't go anywhere or do anything because that requires money. Many of us still live hand to mouth. I've half-joked for years that our generation's retirement plan is going to have to be to dismantle capitalism, but it becomes truer every day.

The system is working as designed. We are all too tired, too poor, too anxious, too sick, or too scared to take any risks. We're all one car failure or health incident away from penury. We keep hoping someone will go marching in on our behalf and sort things out, clean up the mess, provide some relief, be the adult in the room.

There are no adults here but us.

Do we deserve to call ourselves adults if we won't take a stand for something that really matters?

Adulting didn't have to be hard. America didn't have to be hard. Other people made them hard and convinced us that was the right and proper way to do things.

We're burned out and barely hanging on for whose benefit? The gerontocracy that refuses to let go of power, but WILL die sooner than they want to accept? The shareholders who are addicted to making money, even though they could never spend it all in a human lifespan?

I don't think I'm the immature one here. I'm not the snowflake who has a tantrum when someone suggests I share the toys I stole. If I'm sent to the corner I don't call the other kids liars who are out to get me. I don't crap myself in public or fall asleep at my own trial. And I'm not dumb enough to believe it when a kid covered in chocolate tells me he's never taken any pudding but if he did that would be fine because he deserves pudding and he should definitely be given more pudding now.

America is being held hostage by squalling toddlers.

No one is coming to save us but us.

We are the adults in the room, if we act like it.

[beevean]

I remembered a post I stumbled upon a while ago. It was a gifset of that moment in NFCV where Carmilla strokes Hector's hair and says "You are mine now, Forgemaster. You have nothing else but me."

But what really made my neurons go into overdrive was the way the person tagged the post.

"I am not yours. I am not anyone's. - Hector & Carmilla"

Would you believe that this one singular line made my brain fire up like fireworks? This is a brilliant way to convey the parallels between the two characters! Well. The potential parallels, since Carmilla is hardly relevant after S2 :^)

It made me think of how the story would have gone if they kept Carmilla as Hector's antagonist and Lenore and the other two were never introduced. (when you think about it, Lenore's main purpose in S3 was effectively hijacking Carmilla's place: while I prefer her concept, narratively speaking she shouldn't exist. I'm not even being mean when I say it. In a hypothetical rewrite, I'd fuse the two characters)

I found some Hectilla fics, mostly written pre-S3 when fans still believed she'd have a bigger role. Needless to say, they're mostly BDSM porn built on a generic dommy mommy/subby puppy dynamic: while Hector's attraction to Carmilla can be explained with anything from "she's hot and charming" to "she's the only one who makes sense in the court and the only one who cares about my work", no such depth is given to Carmilla. She likes Hector because... he's pathetic and breedable.

So, I propose another angle.

If the ideal Lenector that only exists in my head is built on lies, treachery, and shared misery with a hint of growing mutual empathy that nevertheless never allows them to overcome their resentment... the ideal Hectilla is built on fear. They are both afraid of each other, but need each other for their needs. They are also both afraid of the world, it's just that they react to that fear in different ways: Carmilla by attacking first, Hector by hiding and fawning.

And making Carmilla a creature of fear would make her so, so much more interesting, and allow her to be a real visceral victim of trauma and not just a flat radfem stereotype. A lot of what I say here is inspired by this brilliant post by @chumpovodir!

Carmilla sees every man as a potential threat. An old man turned her and kept her as a pet, showed her that "vampiric love" that she has internalized but despises when it comes from men, and other men attacked her kingdom to destroy everything she built, and other men wanted her to die because, well, the nerve of that woman, thinking she could be in charge. She finds Dracula disgusting for being, in her eyes, like that old man who ruined her life, an insane destructive leech good for nothing. She loathes power-hungry men, violent men, men who think they're in charge and can toy her as they please.

Hector is the opposite of that. He doesn't crave any power: he wants to be left in peace. He craves, as it becomes immediately clear to her, acceptance. He's easily swayed with a few nice words, and even when Dracula dies, he holds no malice in his heart.

He's young. He's cute. He's a useful idiot.

The broken little girl in her still sees him a threat, because one day, he might grow up and become a real man, with their fangs and claws and thirst for power.

But - and this is the important part - the threat is now curbable. Hector placed himself in her hands, and she has the power to do with him as she pleases.

Carmilla has put herself in the position of that old man enslaving a cute girl for his sick desires. However, she thinks she's justified. It's not cruelty: it's preemptive self-defense. She can make this dirty almost-man into a docile puppy who will never hurt her, and work for her, and give her pleasure, never pain.

He can be a prized possession, because he is smart and knowledgeable and has blasphemous powers and shares the same goal of turning humans into livestock. This man deserves to live, for now. As long as he never thinks of harming her. As long as he remains a puppy forever. As long as he's hers, because only she deserves to have stuff and other people.

Carmilla takes pride in not belonging to anyone, let alone a man, but she doesn't see the irony in forcing Hector to the same fate that traumatized her. She doesn't see herself in him, because she did nothing to deserve pain, but he does, for the sin of being born the same gender as all the people who hurt her.

Perhaps she refuses to see herself in him, because the thought disgusts her too much.

But what about Hector?

Well, at first he'd cling onto Carmilla, because what else is he supposed to do? Sure, she tricked him and beat him to a pulp to assert dominance, but she still needs him, and her plans still make sense to him, and part of him still wants to hope that when she praised his skills, she meant it, even if in a selfish way. For a while, she becomes his world - a cruel world, but a stable one.

But then... it will become his turn to claim that he's not hers, he's not anyone's.

Perhaps he'll use his parents as reference. He used to be afraid of them, and resentful for making him believe he should have never been born, and eventually he killed them in retailation. Carmilla, too, terrifies him, but because she swings from saccharine praise to violent rage. So there's hope to get the former, if he plays nice. And if he gets the latters, that means he deserved it, right? And besides, she finds him useful, right? Isn't that, too, appreciation? That is why, at first, he accepts his position.

When she put that collar on him, wasn't that her way of showing love? He understands that. He is still, at his core, that abused kid who looks up to authority figures who see him as dirt.

But she also hates him for something he had no control over, just like his parents. She fears him for no rational reason, and that fear clouds all judgment. She could turn on him at any moment. She's no better than Dracula in this regard. Carmilla is far less rational than she pretends to be, and eventually, as he's forced to be with her, he'll see that behind the mask of a confident predator, hides the heart of a frightful bird with a broken wing.

He'd see himself in her, and he wouldn't like it. He doesn't want to be feared at all, let alone for something he can't do anything about, and he doesn't want to belong to such a volatile person. That could set him to the thought path that'll lead him to desire freedom: most importantly, freedom from his traumatic past.

Perhaps, at some point, Hector would even hate Carmilla for what she does to him, fantasize about killing her and all. Then he'll realize that hatred, too, poisoned Carmilla to the point that she almost became pitiable. And hatred also poisoned Dracula to the point of making him irrational. He must avoid falling into the same trap.

Ideally, if Carmilla is doomed to become prey of her fear and hatred, Hector should find the strength to break free of his own, and learn to face the world.

i hate doing the showrunners' work for free :(

[ryuzakemo128]

I hear the train a-comin', it's rolling 'round the bend

Pairing: Joel Miller x Hitman! Australian! Female Reader

Content warnings: Graphic deaths, established relationship (aka Joel is aware of her), swearing, betrayal, age gap? (reader is 31 and Joel is 40+ years old). No mention of y/n.

Words: 684

Masterlist

Credit for dividers (& template): @cafekitsune

Note: Female reader is read to be tall, aiming to at least 6 feet 4 inches tall, possibly taller if you wish to view it that way. Boomer is your nickname in place of y/n.

Summary:

Hands that took lives even before the collapse of the world.

You killed enough to know how to get what you want without having the notion of guilt tearing up your insides.

The human mind is truly the most, if not one of the few, the scariest things of all. You are proof of the concept. Providing, killing, taking, and giving. One murdered man here and a life saved there. All given by the same hand.

Hands that took lives even before the collapse of the world.

You killed enough to know how to get what you want without having the notion of guilt tearing up your insides.

Heartless? To some, you might be.

To others, you are selfless as they come.

Perhaps rough around the edges with a distant, cold stare.

One that couldn’t care less whether you would be alive or dead tomorrow.

Deeming yourself ‘dead’ already and everything now is a fever dream.

“You enjoy talking about things you know nothing about. Pathetic, really, it makes me wonder what self-gaslighting it took to make yourself believe you were any better off than most others. Good for you. You fucked it up, now you have blood on your hands, and where did all of that bring you?”

“Right. Where. You. Belong.” each word a stab to his senses. You weren't going to take a betrayal from your supplier lightly. A mistake to get him involved. A mistake to think you wouldn't notice the change in his demeanour.

“Back to me”

The chill in the air was subtle enough to prove she wasn't fucking around any longer.

“One thing perturbs me, though. Like a leech, it won’t stop bothering me, did you or did you not acquire help from outside the confines of your trade routes?”

“Are you the reason five of us are now dead?” your pointed questions thrown out like they were bait to throw him off guard. Likely because of your upbringing. Can’t trust someone you don’t know, can you?

He couldn’t hear the trader’s responses, his answers to your questions. He silently hopes you choose to be somewhat merciful to the trader he undoubtedly double-crossed. Yet he knows who you are. What you are capable of.

You would have been a doctor, a forensic pathologist and a hitman. Dealing with death in both aspects. But now you’re something else. Something more.

Something he doesn’t know what the name of it is or if there was a name for what you were becoming.

Monster? Perhaps.

Murderer? Depending on the context.

Paranoid? To a certain degree, everyone is. Especially now.

A guttural scream, a gurgling sound of blood, betrayal was a betrayal. The five bodies were proof of the trader’s ignorance, according to you. Plunging your thumbs into the sockets of his eyes, worming their way down to the innermost core of his skull. Twisting his neck until the snap cut off his cries and his attempts to claw his way out of your strong grip.

The man stood no chance against a woman of your stature, your looming height is enough to prove it.

The question is now: Who are you really? What are you trying to prove?

The old world is gone.

What are you trying to prove?

The words echoed in the silence that followed the trader's demise.

The room was a tableau of horror, the smell of blood thick and metallic, a stark contrast to the cold, sterile environment of your former life.

The man's lifeless body slumped to the floor, a macabre testament to your ruthless efficiency. You stared at your blood-soaked hands, feeling a strange sense of detachment from the scene you'd just orchestrated.

'He deserved it.' you think. 'Five dead because of him.' Your heart was racing, but your mind remained eerily calm.

You took a step back, surveying the grisly scene with a cold, analytical eye. The trader's betrayal had been a mistake, one that would cost him everything.

You had no patience for traitors in this new world.

You had no patience for those who play with the lives of others.

A white sheet had been draped over the top of the body by the time Joel walked into the warehouse. Across from the body, ‘Dead men tell no tales. I'm watching. Always watching.’

[deathbyoctopi]

making a rec list so I don’t forget

It’s more or less a year since I got started in the Chinese series, and I want to share Opinions with y’all!! 😁😁

I’ll place them more or less in preference order, with tiers and whatnot, so of COURSE we have to start with:

GOD TIER (aka. The absolute best) 

The Untamed. Amazing. Can’t say much without rambling for six hours, so I’ll just say this was a wonderfully addictive thing to discover. Saw the series and donghua, read the manhua and the books, got me hearing some bits of the audiobook too and I’m going insane with the fanfics and fanart. Dead evil overlord resuscitates and meets childhood classmate, they solve mysteries and go on adventures together, which both isn’t and is an euphemism. 

---

DEMI-GOD TIER (because there’s really only one untamed):  

Heaven Official’s Blessing. Going with the books here, bc the gods immortal know when (If!) we’re getting a series of that one. But the story is interesting, the characters very likable, the main ship is downright adorable... And what little donghua we’ve got so far was delightful (praying for that one not to be discontinued, plzzz). Twink God with the worst luck imaginable meets piss-your-pants-scary Ghost King and they go on adventures together. Still an euphemism. 

The Dumb Husky and His White Cat Shizun: Another book/manhua rec, bc I’m looking just as forward to get the series, and who knows... This one has a base concept that comes straight from fanfic dreamland!!! In the best way possible, too! Reccomending this having read only 2 books so far, but it feels warranted. Evil overlord goes back in time to his youth and decides not to repeat the mistakes of his first life. The mistakes follow him, tho. Also, he’s so horny for his shizun, who he Hates™ very much. 

Word of honor. A series so bent on showing everything they can of the main characters relationship without showing it that it may have changed the gears in censorship ^^U I found the story a bit confusing, with a myriad sects and intrigues, but the character dynamics are so fascinating!!! (Speaking only for the series, haven’t read the book). Angsty repentant master spy with a Mysterious Past wants to go die in peace, but handsome leech with a Mysterious Past says otherwise. 

---

MUST TIER (Very recommendable! I’d force-feed all those to you if I knew where you live)

Blood of youth. A series (maybe a book and manhua, idk) about a dumbass young hero that wants to prove himself in the martial art world, a mysterious youth obsessed with money and a handsome (and also mysterious) monk with almost godlike powers entangled in a conspiracy that reaches deep in the Imperial palace... Engaging story and characters, particularly the supporting roles, because even though they’re not the focus, they’re memorable enough to feel relevant. 

Scum Villain Self-Saving System. Books (NEVER mind the very short, strangely paced digital art donghua) about a man transmigrated to the martial art world from a trash webnovel he loves to complain about. He’s the villain there, and doesn’t want to be for the life of him precisely because it will kill him unless he can get in the main character’s good graces. And he does that. All too well XD

Sleuth of the Ming dynasty. A series (is there a book? I’d like to read it) about an official of the Imperial Government who solves cases. No world-breaking powers, no flying swords, just very real crime and clues and palace intrigues (the Imperial family are recurring characters). The main two characters are an absolute delight: the Detective, who is brilliant and socially clumsy, and nevertheless manages to leech off the Soldier to the point that gets in his house and manages to get a lifelong loyalty out of him. 

Thousand autumns. There’s a donghua, which is as weird and uncanny as the svsss one, but since the books got recently translated I’m going more with those. Handsome Horrible Man Extraordinaire harasses, gaslights, bullies and almost kidnaps Pretty-Faced Frail Twink, and they end up invariably together. I can barely remember the story, something something Book Of Martial Arts Awesomeness that everyone and their mother wants, but that’s irrelevant. The story is worth it just because of those two idiots. 

---

OK TIER (Recommend if you’re bored and want something entertaining, but not life-changing)

Birth of the drama king. A half-serious, half-silly series about two warring sects that sic spies on each other. One might be too successful, almost getting attached to the other sect’s leader, because (presumably) they are long-lost brothers. The story is decent, but an absolute point on its favour is the (very handsome, if only a bit lackluster) role of Song Jiyang as doctor Yan. And the fact that he’s so serious, while being the Universe’s punchbag. Seriously, he gets hilariously abused in almost every episode. Love it.  

Till the end of the moon. A long, epic battle between good an evil with a romance so strong that can (well, ought to) defy destiny and the will of the gods. If it wasn’t for all the miscommunication!!!! >:3  This one was very difficult for me to place in this list, because what is good about this series is marvelous, and what is bad (boring or frustrating) is almost painful to sit through. Of the latter, the aforementioned lack of talking skills of these two endlessly suffering dumbasses and the epic battles, which do nothing for me, though might be great for other people. And the good things... if the whole series had been like the first ten or so episodes, this would be now in the demi-god tier. The premise!!! The execution!!!! The acting!!!!! Give me the whole early stage of Tantai Jin and Ye Xiwu’s marriage, up to that new year, and nothing else!!! After that, it’s a slow but sure decline.

Stick to the script. An extremely self-aware comedy sketch show with the transmigration premise and an almost surreal beat. The main point is of course Wang Haoxuan, but it also has good puns, quick humor and at least a couple scenes so absurd I had to laugh out loud. But the episodes are so short!!! I found that very distracting, they last only 2-3 minutes each. I enjoyed it MUCH MORE finding a compilation on youtube. It lasts 2 hours in total, so it’s very manageable like that :)

Be my cat. Another series with an absurd premise, and amusingly self-aware, but sweet and occasionally fun enough to be worth a watch. The plot is about a girl who receives from her cultivator brother (who’s gone missing) a sphere with a yao cat, that escapes and possesses the dying body of a young general. The resulting human-shaped cat forms a reluctant bond with her, and she enlists his help to find her brother and the other three lost animal spheres, with their respective yao that wreck havoc. 

Dance of the phoenix. A series about a young cultivator girl whose powers and memories are stolen, so she has to fend for herself while attracting an alarming number of suitors, old rivals and admirers. The plot is serviceable at best, and the characters not very interesting... but the effects are quite good, and damn my weakness, it has Wang Haoxuan too!! The ending was mightily confusing, tho. I have no idea what that was about.  

---

PASS TIER (Watching that wasn’t technically a mistake, but... ugh) 

Immortal Samsara. Yess, it’s well-made and well-acted, but the story is soooo slow!!! And soooooo boring!!!!! The character’s actions don’t make sense more often than not, she subtleties of their behaviour clashes with some very drastic and unreasonable course of action, the lack of communication in this one is downright painful to behold... Only the second third gets a bit interesting, the stakes are higher and the characters finally less stiff and more enjoyable, but bloody hell... It’s not worth it, not at all. 

[true-blue-sonic]

Good morning/ afternoon/ evening Blue :D

(for the hot take)

Honestly Sonic X is not as good as many people say. And not because of Chris (that for some reason gets a lot of hate). I just think that the concept is cool but the writing is messed up. Especially of some characters like Amy and Tails. Instead of Sonic's friends they made them his #1 fans😭 as if they wanted to make these characters annoying on purpose so that Sonic's the cool guy which really didn't make the show very enjoyable for me. But ofc it's sega

Good morning! ^-^

Strongly agree | Agree | Neutral | Disagree | Strongly disagree

I haven't watched Sonic X in ages, but I must readily admit that the first episode is one of my favourites... because Chris isn't in it for most of it, haha. (The actual most favourite is Defective Detectives and I just skip the part about the two worlds causing time to freeze or whatever lol.) I think that the whole premise inherently provides issues: naturally they'll want to give the humans attention (why else would they be created?), but that draws screentime away from the game characters, who I'm far more interested in. (Related to your statement, I think that is one of the reasons Chris is so disliked: he takes up roles that were filled by game characters, like at the end of the SA2 arc. Considering the fact X!Amy isn't the most charming of portrayals, a scene wherein she tells Shadow about how the world is good and people are inherently worth protecting could have shown a good side of her. But instead Chris got it, and I feel like people experience that as leeching a much-needed role from a character already not presented so well throughout the series.) And the incorporating of the game stories in the second season became rather messy, resulting in quite some unanswered questions (e.g. how Eggman was born on the human planet yet transported to Sonic's world and how Gerald managed to create an anthro hedgehog. Have those ever been addressed?). Furthermore, from what I remember, Sonic just spent a lot of time lazing around or doing his own thing before coming in at the end to help out. I don't think it's unfitting for him, but I agree that it feels like the other game characters thus often got the shaft to give Sonic his big hero moment.

But here I must once again reiterate that I just haven't watched it in ages and this is all from memory. I do enjoy puns and stuff and iirc the English show was riddled with them, so that's at least a point in its favour! :> But overall, I think I'd much rather have gotten an anime entirely about Sonic's world and the adventures to be had there, instead of incorporating the "real" world in it. But then also not how it was done in Season 3, with a lot of grimdarkness and stuff XD In that regard, I think the first season was "better" than the second: the stories were entirely original, whereas the second season was kind of "game plots but now with the humans put in them". I really enjoyed watching X when I first became a fan (it greatly helped with my English!) and I'd be more than happy to binge-rewatch it again one day, but in hindsight, I can also see why people dislike the show so much.

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

Have you spoken about your thoughts on jungkook using Jimin as his inspiration for his concept for seven or purposely trying to connect their concepts? Do you feel like trying to connect their solo work is too much?

How should I answer this? There is such a thing as inspiration. Artists get inspired by other artists or their work. Tarantino is such a good example (and basically every filmmaker, nothing exists in a vacuum, intertextuality/referentiality, etc). And they always make it their own. That's usually the case with art. Unless it's blatant plagiarism which is not the case for the situation we're talking about.

I think it has to do with current fashion trends right now and both Jimin and Jungkook choosing/agreeing to the latest trendy looks. Or working with similar teams? Coordinating together, talking business as colleagues too? Even Jimin took inspiration from Jungkook's hoodies when he designed his own for the merch project they had last year.

If indeed Jungkook was a lil copy cat for some concept photos, I bet Jimin teased him and did not see him as the enemy leech (I feel like puking just thinking about stupid solo stan language). I personally thought it was funny when I saw some similarities, made a few jokes and moved on. You know, like a well adjusted member of society.

I don't think the song Seven had anything to do with Like Crazy, Face or whatever other comparison was there. To me, it's all far fetched and unnecessary. Jungkook liked a song about fucking and thought this is his way of showing the world he is indeed a grown up and not some baby made to wear a bonnet at fansigns. Like, that's it. There's no endless layers of interpretation. I'm not wasting my time writing essay about mediocre songs. And I also won't force myself into believing or creating a connection between two songs if I don't believe there is one. There's plenty others who did it for their own reasons.

Not everything these people do must be about each other. It doesn't add or subtract from their personal relationship. I guess it's interpretation here and I can't argue with that, but I don't need to think that Seven is about Jimin or connected to Jimin's song just so I can add another piece to prove they might be fucking. There's plenty without, lol.

[celestialholz]

ok you already know what TF is going on!!!!

tm 45 venoshock (evil). tm 146 grass pledge (gay). tm 95 leech life (divorce snail). tm 156 outrage (eviler). tm 115 dragon pulse (because if nobody else does it i will).....tm100 dragon dance (🥰). do not feel obligated to do them all these are just a compilation of the concepts we talked abt

Oh Austro, darling. I'm about to murder you in cold blood. ;) A tale in three parts for you, my good pal. The last one of these three was also requested by dear @xfriki26, and the other two here will be under a read more to respect space. Cross-posted to AO3 here as chapters five, six and seven respectively, welcome to a miniature saga of just about every genre going, which we shall begin with by killing y'all stone dead with:

TM115: Dragon Pulse

Beep.

Beep.

Brassius thinks he may be going mad. He’d thought that a multitude of times during his ice-cold, static darkness, but this is a different form of insanity: a hammering, a fractured, desolate, desperate despair.

Beep.

Beep.

He wants the beeping to shut up almost as deeply as he cherishes its rhythm, its sheer brilliance. He could wax artistic lyrical on how fervently he cherishes the machine that affixes his sun to its true orbit at his side, paint it in the yellows and oranges of joy and the purple of dragons for its remarkable cleverness – wide, tender brush-strokes, gentle gratitude poured into every trembling sweep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

How ironic, he muses darkly, that Hassel’s heart should be the thing to fail – that loyal, stalwart, core of sunshine, that is so achingly full of acceptance and understanding and vibrance, that had dragged his beloved back from the depths of the shadows.

Between them, now, they can barely make a decently functioning pulmonary system. The breath of life, the heart of the matter – both irreparably scarred, merely patched over with bandages and craft glue and hope and the most blinding, frantic adoration. They’ve operated upon his love, as though he is a mere tapestry, sown and stitched and patched -

Hassel is not meant to be fixed. He should never be broken in the first place. He’d thought they understood one another very well, after fifteen years together. You stand tall, querido; I fall, me. Not you. Never, ever you, because how am I supposed to -

He chokes back a panicked breath, squeezes dull, greyed eyes closed. He doesn’t have contingency for this – he was never supposed to make any. This isn’t his role. And perhaps that makes him the world’s most selfish bastard, perhaps he’s awful and leech-like and unworthy of such light, but perhaps he’s also saved because he would swap them, swap them every single damn time – you already have my lungs, take my wretched heart as well, it’s better than watching this –

Beep.

Beep.

… He hasn’t even gotten around to asking him to marry him, after all this time. They’d had forever - what was the rush? The gap in Hassel’s family is glaring, he doesn’t want to invoke painful memories of people who would never wish to attend, and they are husbands in all but name nevertheless, promise rings long since sculptured from crystals and worn against their hearts anyway.

He hadn’t expected this. He hadn’t expected the chance to be possibly lost for all time -

Beep.

Beep.

Gods, how the hell does he deal with this every time it happens in reverse? How many hours has his world watched his own slowly fade away?

“It doesn’t matter,” Hassel had told him once, tears glistening in warm, adoring eyes. “It simply doesn’t matter. You are worth every moment of the agony, darling. You coming back each time is the only thing that counts.”

He tries, physically shaking, to hold such sentiments against his core, because his dragon’s always been entirely right. He is damaged goods too, now – he can empathise, now. And later, when muted sun meets frosty moon once again, all will be harmonious in the celestial sphere. The stars do not lament; they celebrate a joyous reunion, the return of gravity to a uncertain universe, an essential dual orbit.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

His role, flipped, is now to support – to shine himself, to endure, to treasure a recovery Hassel will make. You will make it. I need you. Always have done. And I will look after you, smotheringly, achingly. Oh, you’ll hate it, even though I will see the smile in your beautiful gaze and understand that you love it.

He breathes a quivering laugh, stumbling across his own tongue.

… Well, it is night-time. It’s his shift anyway.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

He clings to his sunshine’s hand as though it’s all that tethers him to the earth, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“Come back to me,” he pleads, infinitely soft. “Come back and be my husband, won’t you dearest?”

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

TM146: Grass Pledge

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

“… Br…”

Brassius snaps awake from a light doze on their fifth night in the hospital, as though bidden by hope alone, to find a weak Hassel staring straight at him. Sunlight stabs at his frozen heart, piercing its outer shell instantly, and he breaks, fragments of ice shattering down around him.

“D-dear,” he whispers, heat pooling immediately in his gaze. “You’re here, you’re back -”

“Mm,” his beloved murmurs, coughing softly. “Just… just about…”

Water is poured by trembling hands, held to lips, tipped up ever so gently even as Hassel blurs before him, rendered briefly invisible by tears and heat and relief and gods, thank you -

"Br..." Hassel clears a now lubricated throat, and Brassius immediately meets his gaze - sunshine swathed by shadows, the darker moments before sunrise. As deeply grateful as he is to see the light, he curses its lack of luminence.

"Yes, my love?"

"... You okay?" He coughs again, and despite the sun's dimness, his concern is clear as day. "You... are too pale."

Brassius stares at him for a second, aghast, before dissolving spontaneously into tearful laughter, exasperation and absolute joy, and he's trembling, and dear heavens, why would it matter what he looks like -

"The sun came back out," he tells him eventually, as a weak hand clings to his as tight as it can, as he's watched with soft worry. "I'd been beginning to think it would never stop raining. I'll... I'll be fine, now."

"Good," Hassel murmurs, reassured; even as his eyes droop closed once more, and a thread of anxiety rushes back up his lover's spine, a gentle thumb runs against his in silent promise. Alright, now. "Wouldn't do... for us both to be old and broken, d-darling."

"You are no such thing," Brassius protests immediately, heart rebelling against the mere thought. "Look at you, querido. Sunshine incarnate."

Hassel murmurs a small laugh, cherishing the water that he's once more offered.

"Funny, you say that," he whispers after a further drink, a wonder held in his gaze. "I only... see one source of light, here."

Even as he's tenderly kissed, even after he drifts back off to much-needed rest, inspiration strikes his beloved, a sparkling of genius.

Oh, you clever, wonderful, miracle of a man. You conductor of moonlight. Where the sun meets the moon...

He makes plans, as he falls asleep himself: gentle, loving, delightful schemes, tears slipping beneath closed lids as he nods off.

/////////////

He prepares quietly, when they get home; sets the stage as Hassel recovers, buys the equipment, purchases the perfect jewellery, bides his time. Doting on his beloved is by far the more pressing matter, and thus it takes him weeks, but eventually...

They finish a homemade casserole lovingly prepared, just as day begins to shift; just as it begins to turn to night, he asks his beloved to head outside with him, into the garden that overlooks the shimmering beauty of the East Paldean Sea.

"My dear, where on earth are we g -"

Hassel stops instantly at the sight before him; at the ring boxes, at the arch strung over with vines and lights, at the strands of green and purple cord that sit between it all, tearful eyes slowly drawing to his nervous partner's.

"Is that...?" he swallows a sob, utterly rapt.

"It is," Brassius confirms, eyes scanning him, gauging his thoughts, reading softly a man he knows the soul of better than his own. "Should you wish it to be, anyway -"

He gets no further for a long minute, damp kisses pressed to his lips, over and over.

"'Should I wish it,'" he repeats, laughing shakily in disbelief. "And at dusk, no less. Where the sun meets the moon, you brilliant, brilliant individual."

Brassius chuckles, similarly breaking. "You'll forgive me my poetry, I'm sure."

"I will forgive you anything, my darling." He chokes down tears, conscious of time, conscious of his lover's artistic vision. He can cry later, and he will - oh, he will. He doubts he'll stop for hours.

"So, you will, then -"

"Yes, I will," Hassel tells him clearly, fondly, adoringly, trembling hand coming to a precious, flushed cheek. "Arceus himself could drag neither of us away, despite his best efforts."

They marry, as the warmth of ambient sunset glazes over them; hands wrapped in cord of alternate colours, the draconic for the biological and vice versa; they whisper nonsense vows, straight from their cores, babbled and pure and perfect; they adopt glistening emeralds or dazzling violets as the moon takes reign, and there are tears enough to proclaim the sea that spectates them flooded.

"Why now?" Hassel asks his husband afterwards, tears still glistening in his eyes, his forehead gently pressed upon his beloved's. "All these years..."

"I thought we had forever," Brassius tells him simply, voice thoroughly raspy by this point, clinging tightly to him, as though he might fall to his doom should he ever let go.

"We do, my love," comes the replying whisper, the utter certainty. "I'm sorry, for frightening you so deeply..."

Brassius sobs into him, believing him with his whole heart, and shakes his head.

"You were worth every moment of the agony, dearest," he promises him truthfully, burying himself into soft folds of fabric, and the softest man of all.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TM100: Dragon Dance

It’s difficult to practice for a celebration, when one’s heart or lungs have had their cracks filled in as though via liquid sunshine; an astral kintsugiri leaves one less willing than they might have been to put their beloved through physical stress.

“Well,” Hassel notes tiredly as they take seats together, “come the moment, darling husband, we could just vibe with it.”

Brassius glances at him, bewilderment strewn through his grey gaze.

“You know, as in do our collective best, dependent on our emotions at the time?” Hassel’s expression creases in thought. “I think that’s what my students mean by it, anyway…”

The pair burst into soft laughter, hands automatically finding one another’s and gripping on tight.

“Everything will be wonderful, querido,” Brassius whispers, “because you will be there, and I will be right there with you.”

Hassel takes a gentle breath, and melts into his side, stinging eyes closing as he smiles warmly.

“Indeed,” he murmurs, content. “That’s all I’ve ever needed.”

“And I.”

Hassel kisses him, swallowing his tremulous voice, assuaging his lingering anxiety.

/////////

It is beautiful if mad, their celebratory dance. They don’t say vows – they already have, the words for them and them alone, sparkling in the intimacy of the dusk. They simply host a small gathering, fairy lights strung up across their whole garden now, Grass types mingling between fauna, guests somewhere between buffet tables, wine refills and comfortable garden furniture. Lilligant develops a quiet, blushing crush on Katy’s dear Heracross, who flexes happily for his smitten acquaintance; a far too competitive Breloom attempts to spar with a far too competitive Staraptor, who promptly and triumphantly puts the bird to sleep the moment he gets too feisty; Flapple doesn’t leave the side of her fathers, chirruping happily as a laughing Hassel feeds her cake with a wink and an indulgent promise that she’s only allowed a little.

“Have a heart, kid,” Larry announces dryly, as he plucks her phone from a whining Iono, who has been attempting to livestream the event. She tries to snatch it from the air, which goes about well as such a height difference might imply.

“Awww! Just tryna share the joy!”

“Enjoy it, instead. Live in the moment. Pick up tips for the future, when someone feels like putting up with you for long enough.”

“Hey!”

He smirks down at his pseudo-daughter, his face softening. “Trust me,” he mutters, glancing warmly at Katy, who’s giggling at her Heracross. “If I can find them, anyone can.”

It’s endearingly awkward and inaccurate when their dance comes, when they take centre stage; steps misaligned at points, gentle amusement tripping from their lips. Shoes are stepped on, but the twirls are dramatic, and the audience appreciates their stars nevertheless, cheers, sobs and applause raising from their friends.

“Doing well, my love?” Brassius whispers as he swept up from their bowed finale, being drawn into a gentle, loving kiss.

“Doing perfectly, my darling,” Hassel promises tearfully after a moment, nuzzling his forehead to his husband’s. “And you?”

“Can’t complain,” he teases, and they both burst out laughing until tears stream down their faces in utter joy. Breath is briefly pulled from lungs, exhaustion reigns, but nothing ruins their harmony, their victory, their perfectly imperfect wedding reception.

They may have to take tomorrow slow; they may have to take the rest of their lives at an easier pace, a gentle stroll into forever instead of a sprinting wildness - but take it together they will, every step of the way.

Got a request for The Technical Festival, which celebrates Ephemeralart and Vanillacupcakes through the medium of TMs? Take a look here; my askbox is open!

[xlerainn]

i've come to understand why i chose to settle here — why i linger while others fade. i was never good at leaving. i am a permanent leech in this familiar ground. but i have tried to find my way out, i did. and i was once, in fact, so close to getting out of here. but desperation is desperation. my heart, sentimental and stupid, never wanted the blissful luxury of forgetting. it will always find its way to paralyze itself to keep me firmly rooted in the clutches of things i promised not to outgrow. and the farthest i can grasp by far is only almost, like moving swiftly towards the door only to stop halfway when the knob is within reach. then i would tremble in attempts to abandon what i have always known. though i would falter as i watch you sink into another life where there is no remembering, where there holds no room for me. i'd swallow the ache for the moments we shared but now felt like less ours. and i will wonder how you do it. forget what once was, i mean. i'd wonder how you uproot yourself from the pages you've pledged not to tear off like wallpaper. but i'd try to reconstruct the pinch where all the promises weren't kept without being asked. i'd dismantle every metaphor my bones know and turn them into this and that until i've rebuilt them into something less hurtful and haunting. and i will feel compelled to express my remorse for struggling to discuss the concept of staying without talking about all the hearts i used to know but aren't with me now. bcs u see, on nights like this, i'd always find my heart tiptoeing up soundlessly like i'd be caught any moment as i try to visit them all in silence. i'd be as quiet as you used to before i started disturbing you, like a goddamn creep, you wouldn't even realize i was there. i would patiently wait for the crowds to flock around to be granted the chance to blend in and go unnoticed. i'd stay there, hold anything near me to support these flimsy legs from your presence that weighs heavier than my world. then i would dance away from there before my throat tightens and my words manage to claw their way out and call you.

i was never good at leaving. i'd linger in the exact spot you abandoned even as the world whirls. and i'd always have this hope in me that maybe all you're really doing is merely searching your way back.

07.23.23

[dangermousie]

OK, seriously, Ecevit is the most tortured Turkish show protag I have ever come across. That man has never had a genuinely fully happy stretch in his life - his childhood was spent with an abusive criminal of a father, then he went to juvie and was horrifically abused there, then he managed to leave all of it behind and become a successful lawyer (and what a feat that was, honestly!) but he still had unprocessed trauma and cut off himself from those who love him to survive and now the trauma is still there and basically, this is cosmically unfair because he is a genuinely good person and yet nothing good happens to him.

The way he remembers some of this childhood, a scene that I am sure repeated on a regular basis in that household...

It guts me that he always had a moral compass and that being a lawyer wasn’t something he fell into as a good profession or even as a result of jail trauma but his forever goal. And the thought of how much drive and determination and just inability to give up it must have taken to succeed but also to stay good - because it wasn’t just the jail that was shoving him into darkness of poverty that was an obstacle, it was the fact that he was being told from literally cradle that you should be a criminal and do violence and that is the default and that he never was surrounded by a good or nurturing environment even before jail. He managed to claw his way out of all of that as an insane success story but all that ability and that work to overcome background and trauma enough to succeed was not enough, was wasted because he ultimately is killed and despite all that goodness and brains and willpower, he cannot overcome all the tragedy and he never finds happiness and it feels so so very unfair. Because he was good and did everything right and even superhuman effort still was not enough.

And then he starts abusing Ecevit’s mom to make Ecevit take it. It’s like the whole world non-stop conspired to turn him bad and he fought and fought and earned himself a grave as a reward. That is so utterly depressing.

Ooooof. Is there any room in his head for anything but horrors?

And the fact that he has defined himself by opposition to his father and the guards/inmate and all the rest of the foul people in his life is so telling. I wonder if that is why he didn’t give into darkness/violence the way Bilal did, because it would prove them all right and would make all he thought he should be into meaningless dreams. Because of all his trauma, his sense of self is pretty ragged at the edges, so he needs at least that to hold on to - the fact that he’s leeched onto the concept of just world as his savior - he, after all that happened to him - I can’t. And the way the show itself dismantles it ultimately because in no just world would his ending be what the show gives him. But perhaps it’s not so much a just world but that regardless of whether the world is just he will hold to what he believes in for his own sanity, if the world is horror, it doesn’t mean he has to be.

This is his one way of holding on to something, in his trauma.

He really does define himself in opposition to his father.

[rainbowspinch]

I have a quotes page that me and my partner have been trying to keep up with for the past 5 years. Here are some ones that I love

“The girl mosquitoes are just blood sucking leeches, like look around the room it’s like real life”

“I would ride all over their graves”

“The core is....oh that’s a lot of hot”

“Just because the computers are as fast as I am, they think they rule the world. They DON’T.”

“If ankles are the price I must pay to convince everyone I’m not cheating on my boyfriend, then so be it”

“Stop twisting my words before I start twisting your neck”

“T: that shit was like my cocaine

LY: cocaine is my cocaine”

“If you expect me to stop being stupid, you need to lower your expectations”

“If the school is gonna take such shit photos for the smart riders, they should atleast get a better camera so it’s shit but in good quality”

“The whole world was ruled by jellyfish”

“Did you know that there’s still dinosaurs around? Like cassowaries”

“When you say that orange is the best zooper dooper you’ve entered the argument area”

“Usually people like you, who get bullied, grab a knife and go around stabbing people”

“I don’t wanna die from a NUT, that’s just pathetic”

“My shoes look like a fucking bionicle”

“Why are you wearing a speedo, what is WRONG WITH YOU”

“I will swivel chair into your head, move bitch”

“Due to technical reasons I have ADHD I think”

“It’s because I’m Italian. OUI OUI!!”

“We have to run to both the base lines?? Go kill yourself!! Consider MY feelings!”

“I think being autistic and having a nut allergy is a great combination”

“Get out or I’m gonna COVID kick your ass”

“How do you even survive my presence? My virtual presence. Social distancing.”

“Thank you ma'am, you are my favorite person, much homo *insert gay flag that android doesn't have*”

The meat man is coming in the morning”

“NO GAYS ALLOWED ON THE GOLF COURSE”

“There’s a spider on me, i should kill myself”

“His 5 hearts have been shot”

“Sprout some fucking legs”

“The year is...the year is 2”

“Haha, you thought you knew what I would do, but alas, I am unpredictable”

“Get your fingers out of the mud, boy”

“Stop fondling the worms”

“It’s fucking Shaggy, do you know what he’s capable of?!”

“Why do I have mind dreams from another timeline”

“The unborn babies news report”

“I’m feeling served hot and fresh”

“They’ve been through a lot, these ankles of mine”

“L: I feel like a sub species of human

LY: You are, you’re- *hand gesture* you’re really down there’”

“You walk into his house and the jazz stops”

“I found my father by the way. Just a heads up”

“I trust Jesus to look after my hot wheels”

“It meant he hadn’t been crunchin’-a-munching on my lip balm”

“Oh there’s a spider. Come closer :]”

“The 2 second rule in driving is how much time you have to eat your car after you drop it”

“Longing to reality shift to kiss some boys”

“The secret ingredient is cheating”

“You can date on Tumblr I just can’t guarantee it’ll go well”

“A: you’re an accomplice!

LY: Grease lightning-“

“I’ve got a tongue twister for you. FUCK”

“If the shoe fits? If the shoe fits up your ASS”

“You move like a transition slide”

“S: Jesus can FUCK off

H: Jesus has fucked off twice already, Sarah”

“My concept of linear time is not very linear”

“Hold on I’m sending a man to court”

“I promise, but only until I change my mind”

“Being attracted to me is healthy”

“Mood. Not that I’ve been hit by a car, but I do eat cucumbers”

“2 blonde bitches fighting for the throne and she’s not even a real blonde”

“You have so many issues and they’re all unresolved”

“I am my own target audience, and that audience has been met”

“I swear on my nana”

“I started drawing and suddenly I was Christian”

“Get these blonde molecules out of me”

“Lucy, your camera roll is filled with yourself, what do you mean Shame?”

“The Dreamscape is leaking into reality and it’s making me an asshole!”

“Terrible news, the statues are in a dick out mood”

“Toes out to that bro. Cheers” -Spinch on this day (Saturday, 14th May 3:17pm)

“You put your whole tiddies into saying something nice”

“Cry me a goldfish”

“You have skin boy! Are you excited?”

“If you ever touch his spider polycule, he’ll bite you”

Money not well spent, so I have to keep it there as a reminder”

“White walls purple bed kind of bitch”

“Breaking someone’s legs is not very kawaii schoolgirl of her”

“Are you thinking with your brain ma’am? Or are you thinking with your feet?”

“All the left handed people will be turned into grain”

“My autism tried to give me a new gender and I had to talk myself out of it”

“Get these blonde molecules IN me”

“Caution I am choosing”

“And I take off my wig. And I take off my wig. And I take of my wig. And I take of my bald cap. And I take off my bald cap. And I take off my wig. And I’m bald”

“Don’t headcanon my parents as transgender”

“You must have talent to be able to draw this bad”

“I liked it so much that my reaction was to tell you I don’t like it”

“You pick him up by the lungs a lot”

“I wouldn’t trust you with a fetus”

“Do you have parents? Not on purpose”

“She’s timeless, she’s stagnant”

“You get your autism backpack and you can fill it with acronyms”

“LY: I hate the continental drift

L: Like the dance?’

LY: LIKE THE PLANET SPLITTING APART, PANGEA”

“I feel splinched”

“I think he’s been crying, he looks freshly born”

“He looks like what the conservatives are protecting”

“LY: I’m very tan today

L: you’re tan every day

LY: yeah it’s like it’s my skin colour or something!”

[whateverthedragonswant]

Okay, Hologramcowboy, I'm not even sure what you expect me to say after all of that lol. (Link) But since you claim you're blocking me after reblogging my post more than once, I guess I'll give it a shot:

"Intelligent, classy people just block. Like what I'm going to do to you after responding to this. ;)" -> I never had a reason to block you until now. I came across your posts due to other blogs I follow that for some reason follow you and it would also be suggested to me from time to time on this site, which is what happened today and how I saw your unhinged post.

"You failed to mention the vicious hate ask sent in my inbox." -> A vicious hate ask? Probably because I don't follow your blog and didn't know one was sent. Also, why would I? That has nothing to do with my post. I never sent it. Seriously, do you just make imaginary attacks up to make yourself sound like a victim to your readers? Or do you just go around blaming random people for any hate that you've incurred from your actions?

"Never stated that Danneel or Jensen read my blog. They don't get the rumors from tumblr, they get rumors from their team doing market research. Which you would know, if you did, in fact, have a clue about their industry. And I say team as in singular because Danneel does not have the pull or value to have her own high tier team and leeches off of jensen's. If you think actors don't have a set strategy to reposition/rebrand themselves when rumors affect their image then you are sadly deluded." -> Oh, um, okay lol, how do I even respond to this? Oh my goodness. First, you don't know a thing about me or what I know. For all you know, I could be a part of the industry that you snobbishly claim to know all about. I know very well how it all works, thank you. Secondly, you obviously don't understand the basic concept of sarcasm which is clear throughout my post. Third, do you think I care about Jensen or Danneel or their teams to the point that you do? Nope.

"Thirdly, instead of acting like an immature bully, consider the fact that not everyone needs to love what you love. The world is a diverse place. Learn to enjoy what you love and truly believe in it instead of attacking others who are deeply secure in their views." -> Thirdly? When did you make a second point? An immature bully you say? I never once used your name or @ you, for all you know this post could have been about someone else, another anti that posted something unhinged about Danneel. The fact that you jumped to claim ownership proves one thing only: you are seriously that unhinged. I certainly wouldn't boast about that. That's not the point of pride or flex you think it is. If anything, it's tragic. And immature bully - who reblogged me so I would get mobbed by her readers and get the mean girl treatment? How mature is that and in what world is that not bullying? Instead of messaging me or asking me outright who I was talking about, you instead reacted emotionally and did the immature bullying move here yourself.

"Goes without saying but since you seem less than sharp and unable to grasp this:" -> once again, you don't know me so don't pretend to know how I grasp things

"When I write "hey danneel", I'm not actually talking to Danneel, I am venting, something I am entirely free to do on MY BLOG. The fact that you would even for a second imagine I was speaking to her shows you have some serious biases and project a lot. Danneel does not read my blog, read that again, Danneel does not read my blog." -> Um, babe, you do realize that you are ironically using the words 'biases' and 'project', right? From the few posts I've seen come my way recently from you, your biases of being anti Jensen and anti Danneel are indeed 'biases'. When you say that Jensen has an alcohol addiction, that Jensen is an absent father, even going so far as to say one of his daughters has a mental issue, that Danneel purposely got pregnant to trap Jensen, that Danneel has mental issues, you do realize you're 'projecting', right? Especially your Danneel is 'ABUSING' Jensen post. Which, sister, if you don't understand what abuse actually is, maybe you should shut your mouth. Not because it's about Danneel or anyone else, but because you're literally harming abuse survivors by casually throwing that word around. Don't believe me? Look it up, sis.

"Also, as per my disclaimer, my blog is for entertainment purposes only. If you dislike it in any way, do not read it. Read that again, do not read it." -> once again, I don't follow your blog so why would I read your disclaimer. Good for you, I guess?

"You don't want drama? Don't start it! I was sent your post by someone who ran across it." -> Lol, sure, Jan. I think the reason you jumped on this post so fast that you found is because you know it speaks truth.

"Just so you know, if you or your bully friends see any of my posts, it's because you are purposefully looking through the Anti tags, which means you are purposefully targetting and then acting holier than thou." -> Say what? I just said I don't go looking for your posts or your blog. I just told you above how I saw your posts and it's been happening that way for a while now. I'll turn your words back to you: "You don't want drama? Don't start it!" And acting holier than thou? How? How is me bringing rationale to the table that you keep setting with your obsessive takes acting holier than thou? And, sis, why would I target you? Seriously. Just like you mentioned, this is MY BLOG and I can post my opinions on here, same as you. Don't like it? Block me like you said you would.

"You have an obsession with a couple of Z listers, you're no brain surgeon so please dial down the histrionic drama and fake outrage and act like a responsible adult." -> Obsession? In what world am I obsessed with Jensen? Did you fail to see the header of my blog when you saw my post and dived into it? "No celebrity standom" Once again, how do you not know I'm a brain surgeon by trade? It sounds to me like you make an awful lot of assumptions and you really do remind me of those online bullies who like to use words as weapons. Don't worry, I'm not insulted, just disappointed. And histrionic drama and fake outrage? Sis, I wasn't the one that reblogged your post to my mean girls clique in order to garner feigned sympathy and support because I realized what an assholish post I made and didn't like someone's alternate take on it. You keep mentioning all of this hate you get, have you ever taken a look at yourself and wondered why? I don't condone it, no one should ever send hate. Been there, received it from AA's myself, but damn, girl. Look at how you're acting.

"P.S: Next time you or your friends send hate anon messages, have the guts to sign them and show the world what you really are like inside your heart and mind." -> Le sigh, once again, I don't send hate anon messages nor do I know of anyone on here that does. First, I'm an adult and I can handle myself, thank you. Second, I do sign my name when I leave asks, thank you. Because I don't have anything to hide and I don't leave hate messages. In my book, that's cowardly and I despise it. Like I mentioned above, I've been through that before myself so why would I perpetrate that against someone else? Even if I don't agree with their unhinged takes and I can clearly see that you're unwell after receiving these messages from you?

"Let me help you by blocking you so that you won't ever be bothered by my posts again." -> Cool, thanks. I very much appreciate that actually. How kind of you after all of that spewed vitriol.

"Have a nice life that hopefully doesn't involve foregoing your dreams and goals over a sad z lister like Danneel Ackles. Seriously, you're meant for more in life than just limiting yourself to worshipping a has been "actress". I hope you give yourself the love and appreciation you are projecting unto her." -> What? Lol. Seriously? Okay, babe, seriously and I mean this compassionately now, I don't know where you learned this form of gas lighting from but if there were ever a statement that encompasses that form of psychological abuse (trust me, I would know), it's that. Thanks for the well wishes, I guess? Wow. I kind of feel like Emma Stone in Easy A right now. "Did I just get saved?" Smh. And since when do I worship Danneel? If you actually looked at my blog, you would see that I don't worship anyone. Once again, "no celebrity standom". Question, are you an AA in disguise by chance?

@hookslinesandsinkers I never sent any hate asks to anyone. I don't believe in that practice. First, no one deserves hate no matter who they are. Second, I would sign my name if I truly thought going to her blog to say something to her was worth the trouble. I've been through the AA hate swarming thing myself in the past. I don't condone that.

Hologramcowboy:

"Yes, it had to be this blogger because the ask was using key words they used in this post. Funny how they failed to mention in their post that they send anon hate which, of course, they won't ever own up to. 🤣🤦🏼‍♀️ Ah, fandom, keep being cray cray." -> That's why you're incorrectly accusing me of sending you hate asks? Because of keywords? Lol! What keywords? "Jensen"? "Danneel"? "Birthday"? "Unhinged"? Omg, I don't even-- 🤦🏼‍♀️ You know what? You made your point, Hologramcowboy. It's obvious that I nor anyone else on any social media site should ever pay attention to what you say. Congratulations. You win. You're clearly spiraling and you are beyond paranoid. You go around yelling at people for doing the same thing you're doing on this site, then falsely accuse them of doing worse things than that in order to paint yourself as the crucified victim and gain sympathy from your readers. I wish nothing but the best for you moving forward. I really hope you get well.

Holy hell, and I thought the AA's were bad. The language used in reblog comments alone. I've seen antis say some messed up things over the years and AA's say worse, but that's a whole new level of unhinged. I've managed to get away from abusive personalities like this one over the years, I have no desire to invite another in. No thank you.

[mist-girl999]

Also here's all the shitty poetry I wrote this summer

warning I am not a good poet also TW: implied s/a and also just general soulcrushing sadness and angst

Forest Green and Knobby Knees:

You said your walls were forest green

Sertraline tastes sickly sweet going down

Maybe that’s why life lost its color

It never had any to begin with

I’m told im missing the vibrancy

That I’m living among shades of brown

It makes me want to cry sometimes

Even though it’s all i’ve ever known

Eyeliner stamps distract me from it all 

when I remember to use them

I rarely do

I only get to be a woman when it’s convenient

When it’s harmless to everyone else

In my room in the quiet hours

I can wear my ill fitting skirts

Stretch the two tops I own over the body i hate

So I can pretend I’m the hottest girl alive

Sometimes the lie works

Sometimes it didn’t

Mostly it doesn’t

I’m not very good at lying anymore

Yearbook signatures make me feel more real

Promises of friendship

Of love

You’ll never know how much you mean to me

It’s not love

More obsession

Not with you but with the idea of you

A concept of who I want to be 

A caricature to stretch over me

I want to ask you how you do it 

How you be everything I want to be

Dream to be

Knobby knees

Oh god the knobby knees

The hair

The bangs

The eyes

The smile

Deficiency isn’t enough

Dried up succulents 

stalks shattered are the only mark you left on my life

I hope they never die

Even if I do

Vanilla pods were all I sought:

You never understood my greatest wish of all

To smell like vanilla pods in the midnight air

To lay back arched in the sunlight as it leeched into my skin

To be laid bare to the world and seen without the disgust I felt

To find friends amongst the grapevines

To talk to bees

Point at ravens in the trees

You never understood the beauty I craved

But you bought me skirts

And said that was good enough

And now I’m afraid to be me

Even if I bled even if I died:

I met you before I existed

Before I knew something was wrong

And you turned me into something you felt like you could love

I started to believe I could love that too

Still I remained foreign even to myself

The problem was I loved you too much

Yet also not enough

But the problem was that I wasn’t enough for you

Even if I bled

Even if I died

Sacrificed all but the breath in my lungs

It still wasn’t enough

I wasn’t enough

I acknowledge that

I apologize for that

But you left

And now I don’t exist anymore

Maybe I never really did

You made feel feel desired for the first time ever

And then took it all away

And so I scrambled I fell grasping at the open air

And now I’ve hit the bottom of the canyon

Not quite dead

not quite breathing

maybe drowning

My spine shattered against the battered boulders

It’s quiet down here though

It was never quiet with you

Fuck you

I wish you never wanted to fuck me

I wish I didn’t have to keep breaking myself for you

Until I was a handful of shattered glass under your foot

The times I saved you from suicide every night

Matter not now

I tried to forget about them

About you

But I can’t

So fuck you

I can’t save you

And I shouldn’t have had to

I wish you didn’t fuck me

I hate that you wanted to touch me

I’m scared now

That no one will want to touch me

Because you’re the only one who did

And your touch sunk deep

I can still feel it sometimes

Even when I don’t want to

Rarely when I do

I hope you disappear into the back of my mind

Somewhere I don’t venture often

That’s where you belong

Far away from me

I’m happier here

And worse

But better every day I don’t think of you

I wish you didn’t look at me that way

I wish you didn’t speak to me that way

I wish you didn’t hurt me that way

I wish you didn’t paint me that way

I hope you forget about me

I hope I forget about you

But I know I won’t

I still wear the necklace

The star

The branches around my neck

It feels wrong to take it off

And feels wrong to leave it on

So I just try to forget it’s there

Forget how the rope flows arcross the valleys of my sunken collarbones

Forget how you looked at it

At them

At me

Try to forget the pattern

The late nights

The mistakes

The regrets

The firsts

The lasts

You made me into a lady didn’t you

And now I hate her and love her at the same time

Womanhood makes me sick

Because of you

And the way you looked at me

You call me sexy

You call me pretty

You call me kind

I call you worthy of love

You ask if you’re using me

I lie

It feels good to be desired

It doesn’t feel good anymore though

Now it makes me sick

I don’t want to be seen

But I can’t live without the perception of others

All because of you

And your yellow teeth

I miss then

I think more than anything else

Those teeth

With their spots

Brilliant white

My eyes were always drawn to them

But they’re gone now

And so are you

And I think I’m glad

I was your dog

And now

You left me

Bleeding and rabid

Without a bullet in my brain

Fuck you

I wish you would stop looking at me

But I keep seeing you

I keep feeling you

And it makes me sick

Sicker than it should

I can’t tell if I’m angry or honest

You don’t deserve this

You might deserve worse

I’m sorry I wasn’t enough

I’m sorry I was crazy

In my defense I think you might’ve driven me insane

But you’ll never know that

Because I’ll never tell you

I’ll never look at you

Because if I do

 I’ll be right back where I started

A shadow in a dress

Fetishized

Ostracized

And left to sit in the rain

And pretend I’m crying

Because you took that too

I miss when you loved me but I’m happy you don’t anymore

I don’t think I’m strong enough for that anymore

Easier this way:

You were perfect

I was better at lying to myself than you were at lying to me

Your eyes left cuts where I can’t reach them

Can’t bandage them

Can’t heal them

So I pretend they don’t exist

Just like you

It doesn’t work very well

But it was worth a try

I’m not a poet

You made sure I knew that

You made sure I knew that I was supposed to fuck you until you didn’t want to die anymore

But somewhere along the way you got rid of whatever was left of myself

I didn’t need to know these things about myself

I did it think I ever would

But you made sure I won’t forget

So please stay away

I’m too fragile your your voice

Even more for your silence

You took all my love away and I’m glad you did

It’s easier this way

A most familiar feeling:

How long did you love the sex more than me

How long was your favorite part of me the one I hated the most

How have you been

I don’t want to know anymore but

I know I’ll know again someday

You’ll find me

No matter where I hide

Quick to criticize quicker to change me

Quicker yet to leave

I’m glad you’re gone

I can pick up the pieces that are left

Delete what I wrote for you

Forget you ever happened to me

Walk away until I know you’ll never chase me

Hate what you used to love about me

Start to hate everything about you

I’m surprised I didn’t sooner

How was I ever happy when you looked at me

I’ll change my voice

Change my eyes

Sand off my face

And run until my feet fall off

Become so unrecognizable that even I feel foreign to myself

Which admittedly is the most familiar of feelings

If I replace every organ

Claw at my skin

Until I know you’ve never touched it

Will I be ok

Hate me more:

You’d probably hate who I’m becoming now

Which brings me comfort

Every moment that passes

You will hate me more

But I’m just glad

That you don’t love me anymore

Because that felt so much worse

Cleanliness my god:

I wish I could stop writing about you

I wish I could stop thinking of you

You taught me to love things I should hate

And now I feel wrong

I don’t write love poems anymore

I did once

You ignored them

You hated them

You didn’t say it out loud but I could see it in your eyes

You didn’t read them

You suffered through the ones I read to you

I know they weren’t good

But I loved you

That should’ve been good enough

You loved what was under my ill fitting skirts the parts of myself I tried the hardest to hide

Cleanliness is godliness and you had no god

Cleanliness became my god

And you became my satan

I liked it at first

Then you liked it too much

It became all I was good for

All you wanted

It felt good to be desired I guess

But it felt worse to be looked at in that way

Eyes blazing with something that scared me

An emotion that felt foreign to me

That always had

And so I waited

And hid

For it to be over

For you to love me

But instead I held you

Comforted you for hours

So that you could do it again

And again

When I just wanted to be loved

Girlhood sinkhole:

You made me a woman

While I was still trying to just be a girl

And now I don’t know who I am anymore

A familiar feeling

A sinkhole

A place I want to leave

Strawberry nose:

I’m tired of strawberry nose

Doomscroll

Lost submersible

Tired of staring at your eyes praying to see anything but disgust reflected back at me

Tired of being the only person in the world

Who hates me this much

More than I probably deserve

More than I’ve probably earned

Tired of being hard to love

Easy to shove

Bent and broken and caved in

Shattered to pieces and glued back together  again

I should probably go to sleep but I can’t

Tired of being incapable inconsiderate inconsequential

Just really fucking tired

Goodnight I hope

Strawberry nose

Ripped clothes

Bare toes unpainted

But I wish they were

A deep red a pitch black

Something a little more human

I wish I could love in a way that’s acceptable

To you

To me

That feels like it isn’t killing me too

Mending:

Sick of living 

Sick of healing 

Sick of apologizing

Of changing

Of admitting

You’re so pretty i could cry

The kind of beauty that seems unattainable

Foreign even

Otherworldly

How do you do it

I’ll ask myself that question for a very long time

There’s a pile of clothes on my floor that need mending

They have holes and tears that need patches and stitches

I’ll get to them eventually

You ripped my fishnets

I can’t mend those

You ruined me you know

Ruined my clothes

Ruined my body

Ruined my mind

But i’m still here

And i intend to stay that way

Summer after high school:

Screaming 

Crying

Songs about 9/11

Late nights

Regrets

Changes

Summer after high school

Almost lost all my friends

Changing myself everyday

It’s exhausting

Is this what happiness feels like?

Reckless driving

Check engine light

Second job

Nightmares

Death

And after all of it

Rebirth

The drowning man

The big yard sale

Goals ambitions

And bugs

Box hair dye

Wishing I could cry

Early mornings

Take my meds

Hope it gets better again

It’s better without you i think

Learning how to exist alone

Is the hardest thing i’ve done 

Until tomorrow

Then that will change too

No one will hate you more than you already do

Sufjan Stevens

Girls

So many girls

To kiss to be

To love to hold

To run from

To hide

Wondering what a sunburn feels like 

New bedsheets that don’t quite fit right

Dread, love, and fear

New posters, old eyeliner

Scared of flying 

Scared of dying 

Cards on my wall

Wishing me well

Broken CD player

Broken spirit

Is this it?

What stains the heart:

Work shirts

Grease stains

Grease stains the heart too you know

So does blood

And loss

I bought white eyeliner from a vending machine

Used it once

Now it’s in my drawer

Shirtless pictures on a digital camera

Are all  I have left

Therapy appointments and soft blankets keep me going

So do you

More as an act of revenge at this point

Slow revenge

Metamorphosis

Like kafka

I doubt you’ve ever read kafka

Walk in the park play on the swings

I wish I could write horny poetry

Boygenius lyrics:

I feel platonic love in a way that scares me 

I’m nothing without my friends

It scares others too

I think we’re all just a bit scared

Boygenius lyrics

Kissing on stage

Devotion and love

I know i’m broken

But please let me love you

You make me a bit less frightened

You all do

Homoerotic swimsuit shopping 

Loving too much

And sometimes not enough

I know i’m not easy to love

But please let me love you

Hearts in texts and hugs with eyes

I promise i like being touched

I just don’t want to burden you

Road trips and letters sitting on our phones

Panic attacks and loving arms

Even when they’re by your side

Hand tattoos and weed 

I think that’s what my future holds

I hope yours holds all that and oh so much more

You deserve the world 

I’m sorry if I love you too much

It’s just that you stayed

Will you still be here when I'm 27?

Even the little things:

Poetry so bad 

it might as well be a word association game 

Unused mascara

Tight underwear

Nothing fits right and I don’t think it ever will

Water droplets across my skin

The second hour in the shower

Remind me who i’m supposed to be

Dead black rotting skin

As i become more sunken in

I’ve lost everything that brings me joy

Even the little things

It might be different tomorrow 

But tonight

In this moment an hour before the stars

With the wrong clothes

At the wrong time

It’s all gone

I’m sunken in

And i think this is it

No more weird little loves

No more loving till it hurts

Just empty

Poured out over the concrete 

Tricking into the sewer drain

For the long journey home

I’ve scared them all away 

and I don’t think they’re coming back

And for once 

I don’t blame them

I’ve accepted it now

I’d let you touch me:

Broken computer screen

Broken cash machine

Dried up plants i’ve ignored for far too long

I’m sorry you didn’t deserve this

Spider in a jar

Friends from afar

Unloveable self in the mirror

Ruined myself again for you

Trying really hard to make you see

That i’d let you touch me

If you wanted to

But i doubt you do

And I don’t blame you

I don’t want to either

But i’m stuck in this skin

Try as I might

Glimpses of the stars

On the walk from my car

Before I disappear

New septum piercing didn’t stop you from leaving

And I don’t blame you anymore

I’m glad you left

But i would’ve let you touch me

If you wanted to

What’s left of my heart:

You can fuck me till i fall apart 

Rip out what’s left of my heart

Pull my lungs out my ears

And my brain out my nose

You can have anything of me you want my darling

My books

My eyes

My touch

My love

Apologies for the ages

I’ll make you a playlist even if I don’t love you

Not because I don’t want to 

But because I think i lost the strength to love you a long time ago

It’s nothing personal

I’d give everything to be able to love you

To know you

To blush when you look at me

I’ll try my best i’ll buy you flowers

Kiss your face

Stay up late

But I can only pretend for so long 

that this isn’t just because I can’t be left alone

I’d treat you right 

We’d never fight

But I know i’m not enough

And i think that’s ok

Made to love you:

She says she likes her nose

and god I wish I liked mine too

In the exact same way she does

A girl who likes her nose

Panic attacks in my bed sheets

Wishing for a loving embrace

You can use me if you want

Just don’t make me go away

Clenched jaws I never notice until they start to hurt

Can’t seem to let them go

Thought I was getting better

Now I know I was wrong

Weighted blanket isn’t enough

Need your embrace

Anyone’s embrace

Need you to touch me

Need you to want to touch me

Need anyone to want to touch me

Motorcycle rumblings signal my end

And as much of me wants to run

Also wants to embrace it

Made to love you

Made to love anyone

Please look at me with kind eyes

And I will worship the ground you walk upon for as long as you let me

And just a little bit more after that

Stay on the plateau with me:

Everyone else is loved and fucked and touched and desired

Everyone else feels love in their hearts and tears in their eyes

There is an unspoken loneliness in losing your will to cry

To cry to love to hold to cherish

Screams of female rage or heartbroken sobs that shake the earth you walk on are but

A pipe dream

Why oh why would you ever wish to leave this plateau

Sweetness is sickness

And sickness is heartbreak

Heartbreak is loss

And loss is death

So why not skip it all

Watch the sunset from the plateau

Overheat 

All alone

Love yourself like no one can

Stare into the river and wonder what color the rocks at the bottom are

Drive past the bar where you might ruin your life

In a year or two

Do drugs alone in your room and pretend you’re more

More than you ever will be

More than you’ve ever been

Wonder when your friends will stop loving you

If it hasn’t happened already

Write poetry for sad girls who are so much more like you than yourself

Hide in a masquerade

Remember who you were 3 years ago

Then forget everything and everyone you ever where

Almond soap blues

Be too quiet

Make too much noise

Be restless

Be tired

But never forget who you are

Tiptoes and sad girls

Mothers who stare at me

But oh to be loved

To be desired will always be immortality

Oh to be perceived

The girl I want to be:

To see her knees peeking out from under that dress when she crouches

Inspecting bugs under a rock

Sticks and leaves in her hair

Bags full of old melon rinds 

Faded stick and poke tattoos from someone she once knew

This is the girl I want to be

Bewitched eyes

Impressive doc martens collection

Big beetle purse

Frilly socks, can’t read a clock

Because she’s never had to

Old tattered hat, white flower dress

Band aids and perfume

This is the girl I want to be

Cries in secret

Loves in public

Galaxy eyes with the universe inside

Thrifted button downs 

Gray sports bra 

Kills all her plants but loves them so

Pleasure to have in class

Life of the party

Reads alone in the garden 

This is the girl I want to be

But i’m not and I don’t know if i’ll ever be

So i’ll keep dreaming

Keep weeping

Keep praying

Keep waiting

For the girl i’m meant to be