#really shitty poetry i wrote so i didnt have to do my therapy homework

[mist-girl999]

Also here's all the shitty poetry I wrote this summer

warning I am not a good poet also TW: implied s/a and also just general soulcrushing sadness and angst

Forest Green and Knobby Knees:

You said your walls were forest green

Sertraline tastes sickly sweet going down

Maybe that’s why life lost its color

It never had any to begin with

I’m told im missing the vibrancy

That I’m living among shades of brown

It makes me want to cry sometimes

Even though it’s all i’ve ever known

Eyeliner stamps distract me from it all 

when I remember to use them

I rarely do

I only get to be a woman when it’s convenient

When it’s harmless to everyone else

In my room in the quiet hours

I can wear my ill fitting skirts

Stretch the two tops I own over the body i hate

So I can pretend I’m the hottest girl alive

Sometimes the lie works

Sometimes it didn’t

Mostly it doesn’t

I’m not very good at lying anymore

Yearbook signatures make me feel more real

Promises of friendship

Of love

You’ll never know how much you mean to me

It’s not love

More obsession

Not with you but with the idea of you

A concept of who I want to be 

A caricature to stretch over me

I want to ask you how you do it 

How you be everything I want to be

Dream to be

Knobby knees

Oh god the knobby knees

The hair

The bangs

The eyes

The smile

Deficiency isn’t enough

Dried up succulents 

stalks shattered are the only mark you left on my life

I hope they never die

Even if I do

Vanilla pods were all I sought:

You never understood my greatest wish of all

To smell like vanilla pods in the midnight air

To lay back arched in the sunlight as it leeched into my skin

To be laid bare to the world and seen without the disgust I felt

To find friends amongst the grapevines

To talk to bees

Point at ravens in the trees

You never understood the beauty I craved

But you bought me skirts

And said that was good enough

And now I’m afraid to be me

Even if I bled even if I died:

I met you before I existed

Before I knew something was wrong

And you turned me into something you felt like you could love

I started to believe I could love that too

Still I remained foreign even to myself

The problem was I loved you too much

Yet also not enough

But the problem was that I wasn’t enough for you

Even if I bled

Even if I died

Sacrificed all but the breath in my lungs

It still wasn’t enough

I wasn’t enough

I acknowledge that

I apologize for that

But you left

And now I don’t exist anymore

Maybe I never really did

You made feel feel desired for the first time ever

And then took it all away

And so I scrambled I fell grasping at the open air

And now I’ve hit the bottom of the canyon

Not quite dead

not quite breathing

maybe drowning

My spine shattered against the battered boulders

It’s quiet down here though

It was never quiet with you

Fuck you

I wish you never wanted to fuck me

I wish I didn’t have to keep breaking myself for you

Until I was a handful of shattered glass under your foot

The times I saved you from suicide every night

Matter not now

I tried to forget about them

About you

But I can’t

So fuck you

I can’t save you

And I shouldn’t have had to

I wish you didn’t fuck me

I hate that you wanted to touch me

I’m scared now

That no one will want to touch me

Because you’re the only one who did

And your touch sunk deep

I can still feel it sometimes

Even when I don’t want to

Rarely when I do

I hope you disappear into the back of my mind

Somewhere I don’t venture often

That’s where you belong

Far away from me

I’m happier here

And worse

But better every day I don’t think of you

I wish you didn’t look at me that way

I wish you didn’t speak to me that way

I wish you didn’t hurt me that way

I wish you didn’t paint me that way

I hope you forget about me

I hope I forget about you

But I know I won’t

I still wear the necklace

The star

The branches around my neck

It feels wrong to take it off

And feels wrong to leave it on

So I just try to forget it’s there

Forget how the rope flows arcross the valleys of my sunken collarbones

Forget how you looked at it

At them

At me

Try to forget the pattern

The late nights

The mistakes

The regrets

The firsts

The lasts

You made me into a lady didn’t you

And now I hate her and love her at the same time

Womanhood makes me sick

Because of you

And the way you looked at me

You call me sexy

You call me pretty

You call me kind

I call you worthy of love

You ask if you’re using me

I lie

It feels good to be desired

It doesn’t feel good anymore though

Now it makes me sick

I don’t want to be seen

But I can’t live without the perception of others

All because of you

And your yellow teeth

I miss then

I think more than anything else

Those teeth

With their spots

Brilliant white

My eyes were always drawn to them

But they’re gone now

And so are you

And I think I’m glad

I was your dog

And now

You left me

Bleeding and rabid

Without a bullet in my brain

Fuck you

I wish you would stop looking at me

But I keep seeing you

I keep feeling you

And it makes me sick

Sicker than it should

I can’t tell if I’m angry or honest

You don’t deserve this

You might deserve worse

I’m sorry I wasn’t enough

I’m sorry I was crazy

In my defense I think you might’ve driven me insane

But you’ll never know that

Because I’ll never tell you

I’ll never look at you

Because if I do

 I’ll be right back where I started

A shadow in a dress

Fetishized

Ostracized

And left to sit in the rain

And pretend I’m crying

Because you took that too

I miss when you loved me but I’m happy you don’t anymore

I don’t think I’m strong enough for that anymore

Easier this way:

You were perfect

I was better at lying to myself than you were at lying to me

Your eyes left cuts where I can’t reach them

Can’t bandage them

Can’t heal them

So I pretend they don’t exist

Just like you

It doesn’t work very well

But it was worth a try

I’m not a poet

You made sure I knew that

You made sure I knew that I was supposed to fuck you until you didn’t want to die anymore

But somewhere along the way you got rid of whatever was left of myself

I didn’t need to know these things about myself

I did it think I ever would

But you made sure I won’t forget

So please stay away

I’m too fragile your your voice

Even more for your silence

You took all my love away and I’m glad you did

It’s easier this way

A most familiar feeling:

How long did you love the sex more than me

How long was your favorite part of me the one I hated the most

How have you been

I don’t want to know anymore but

I know I’ll know again someday

You’ll find me

No matter where I hide

Quick to criticize quicker to change me

Quicker yet to leave

I’m glad you’re gone

I can pick up the pieces that are left

Delete what I wrote for you

Forget you ever happened to me

Walk away until I know you’ll never chase me

Hate what you used to love about me

Start to hate everything about you

I’m surprised I didn’t sooner

How was I ever happy when you looked at me

I’ll change my voice

Change my eyes

Sand off my face

And run until my feet fall off

Become so unrecognizable that even I feel foreign to myself

Which admittedly is the most familiar of feelings

If I replace every organ

Claw at my skin

Until I know you’ve never touched it

Will I be ok

Hate me more:

You’d probably hate who I’m becoming now

Which brings me comfort

Every moment that passes

You will hate me more

But I’m just glad

That you don’t love me anymore

Because that felt so much worse

Cleanliness my god:

I wish I could stop writing about you

I wish I could stop thinking of you

You taught me to love things I should hate

And now I feel wrong

I don’t write love poems anymore

I did once

You ignored them

You hated them

You didn’t say it out loud but I could see it in your eyes

You didn’t read them

You suffered through the ones I read to you

I know they weren’t good

But I loved you

That should’ve been good enough

You loved what was under my ill fitting skirts the parts of myself I tried the hardest to hide

Cleanliness is godliness and you had no god

Cleanliness became my god

And you became my satan

I liked it at first

Then you liked it too much

It became all I was good for

All you wanted

It felt good to be desired I guess

But it felt worse to be looked at in that way

Eyes blazing with something that scared me

An emotion that felt foreign to me

That always had

And so I waited

And hid

For it to be over

For you to love me

But instead I held you

Comforted you for hours

So that you could do it again

And again

When I just wanted to be loved

Girlhood sinkhole:

You made me a woman

While I was still trying to just be a girl

And now I don’t know who I am anymore

A familiar feeling

A sinkhole

A place I want to leave

Strawberry nose:

I’m tired of strawberry nose

Doomscroll

Lost submersible

Tired of staring at your eyes praying to see anything but disgust reflected back at me

Tired of being the only person in the world

Who hates me this much

More than I probably deserve

More than I’ve probably earned

Tired of being hard to love

Easy to shove

Bent and broken and caved in

Shattered to pieces and glued back together  again

I should probably go to sleep but I can’t

Tired of being incapable inconsiderate inconsequential

Just really fucking tired

Goodnight I hope

Strawberry nose

Ripped clothes

Bare toes unpainted

But I wish they were

A deep red a pitch black

Something a little more human

I wish I could love in a way that’s acceptable

To you

To me

That feels like it isn’t killing me too

Mending:

Sick of living 

Sick of healing 

Sick of apologizing

Of changing

Of admitting

You’re so pretty i could cry

The kind of beauty that seems unattainable

Foreign even

Otherworldly

How do you do it

I’ll ask myself that question for a very long time

There’s a pile of clothes on my floor that need mending

They have holes and tears that need patches and stitches

I’ll get to them eventually

You ripped my fishnets

I can’t mend those

You ruined me you know

Ruined my clothes

Ruined my body

Ruined my mind

But i’m still here

And i intend to stay that way

Summer after high school:

Screaming 

Crying

Songs about 9/11

Late nights

Regrets

Changes

Summer after high school

Almost lost all my friends

Changing myself everyday

It’s exhausting

Is this what happiness feels like?

Reckless driving

Check engine light

Second job

Nightmares

Death

And after all of it

Rebirth

The drowning man

The big yard sale

Goals ambitions

And bugs

Box hair dye

Wishing I could cry

Early mornings

Take my meds

Hope it gets better again

It’s better without you i think

Learning how to exist alone

Is the hardest thing i’ve done 

Until tomorrow

Then that will change too

No one will hate you more than you already do

Sufjan Stevens

Girls

So many girls

To kiss to be

To love to hold

To run from

To hide

Wondering what a sunburn feels like 

New bedsheets that don’t quite fit right

Dread, love, and fear

New posters, old eyeliner

Scared of flying 

Scared of dying 

Cards on my wall

Wishing me well

Broken CD player

Broken spirit

Is this it?

What stains the heart:

Work shirts

Grease stains

Grease stains the heart too you know

So does blood

And loss

I bought white eyeliner from a vending machine

Used it once

Now it’s in my drawer

Shirtless pictures on a digital camera

Are all  I have left

Therapy appointments and soft blankets keep me going

So do you

More as an act of revenge at this point

Slow revenge

Metamorphosis

Like kafka

I doubt you’ve ever read kafka

Walk in the park play on the swings

I wish I could write horny poetry

Boygenius lyrics:

I feel platonic love in a way that scares me 

I’m nothing without my friends

It scares others too

I think we’re all just a bit scared

Boygenius lyrics

Kissing on stage

Devotion and love

I know i’m broken

But please let me love you

You make me a bit less frightened

You all do

Homoerotic swimsuit shopping 

Loving too much

And sometimes not enough

I know i’m not easy to love

But please let me love you

Hearts in texts and hugs with eyes

I promise i like being touched

I just don’t want to burden you

Road trips and letters sitting on our phones

Panic attacks and loving arms

Even when they’re by your side

Hand tattoos and weed 

I think that’s what my future holds

I hope yours holds all that and oh so much more

You deserve the world 

I’m sorry if I love you too much

It’s just that you stayed

Will you still be here when I'm 27?

Even the little things:

Poetry so bad 

it might as well be a word association game 

Unused mascara

Tight underwear

Nothing fits right and I don’t think it ever will

Water droplets across my skin

The second hour in the shower

Remind me who i’m supposed to be

Dead black rotting skin

As i become more sunken in

I’ve lost everything that brings me joy

Even the little things

It might be different tomorrow 

But tonight

In this moment an hour before the stars

With the wrong clothes

At the wrong time

It’s all gone

I’m sunken in

And i think this is it

No more weird little loves

No more loving till it hurts

Just empty

Poured out over the concrete 

Tricking into the sewer drain

For the long journey home

I’ve scared them all away 

and I don’t think they’re coming back

And for once 

I don’t blame them

I’ve accepted it now

I’d let you touch me:

Broken computer screen

Broken cash machine

Dried up plants i’ve ignored for far too long

I’m sorry you didn’t deserve this

Spider in a jar

Friends from afar

Unloveable self in the mirror

Ruined myself again for you

Trying really hard to make you see

That i’d let you touch me

If you wanted to

But i doubt you do

And I don’t blame you

I don’t want to either

But i’m stuck in this skin

Try as I might

Glimpses of the stars

On the walk from my car

Before I disappear

New septum piercing didn’t stop you from leaving

And I don’t blame you anymore

I’m glad you left

But i would’ve let you touch me

If you wanted to

What’s left of my heart:

You can fuck me till i fall apart 

Rip out what’s left of my heart

Pull my lungs out my ears

And my brain out my nose

You can have anything of me you want my darling

My books

My eyes

My touch

My love

Apologies for the ages

I’ll make you a playlist even if I don’t love you

Not because I don’t want to 

But because I think i lost the strength to love you a long time ago

It’s nothing personal

I’d give everything to be able to love you

To know you

To blush when you look at me

I’ll try my best i’ll buy you flowers

Kiss your face

Stay up late

But I can only pretend for so long 

that this isn’t just because I can’t be left alone

I’d treat you right 

We’d never fight

But I know i’m not enough

And i think that’s ok

Made to love you:

She says she likes her nose

and god I wish I liked mine too

In the exact same way she does

A girl who likes her nose

Panic attacks in my bed sheets

Wishing for a loving embrace

You can use me if you want

Just don’t make me go away

Clenched jaws I never notice until they start to hurt

Can’t seem to let them go

Thought I was getting better

Now I know I was wrong

Weighted blanket isn’t enough

Need your embrace

Anyone’s embrace

Need you to touch me

Need you to want to touch me

Need anyone to want to touch me

Motorcycle rumblings signal my end

And as much of me wants to run

Also wants to embrace it

Made to love you

Made to love anyone

Please look at me with kind eyes

And I will worship the ground you walk upon for as long as you let me

And just a little bit more after that

Stay on the plateau with me:

Everyone else is loved and fucked and touched and desired

Everyone else feels love in their hearts and tears in their eyes

There is an unspoken loneliness in losing your will to cry

To cry to love to hold to cherish

Screams of female rage or heartbroken sobs that shake the earth you walk on are but

A pipe dream

Why oh why would you ever wish to leave this plateau

Sweetness is sickness

And sickness is heartbreak

Heartbreak is loss

And loss is death

So why not skip it all

Watch the sunset from the plateau

Overheat 

All alone

Love yourself like no one can

Stare into the river and wonder what color the rocks at the bottom are

Drive past the bar where you might ruin your life

In a year or two

Do drugs alone in your room and pretend you’re more

More than you ever will be

More than you’ve ever been

Wonder when your friends will stop loving you

If it hasn’t happened already

Write poetry for sad girls who are so much more like you than yourself

Hide in a masquerade

Remember who you were 3 years ago

Then forget everything and everyone you ever where

Almond soap blues

Be too quiet

Make too much noise

Be restless

Be tired

But never forget who you are

Tiptoes and sad girls

Mothers who stare at me

But oh to be loved

To be desired will always be immortality

Oh to be perceived

The girl I want to be:

To see her knees peeking out from under that dress when she crouches

Inspecting bugs under a rock

Sticks and leaves in her hair

Bags full of old melon rinds 

Faded stick and poke tattoos from someone she once knew

This is the girl I want to be

Bewitched eyes

Impressive doc martens collection

Big beetle purse

Frilly socks, can’t read a clock

Because she’s never had to

Old tattered hat, white flower dress

Band aids and perfume

This is the girl I want to be

Cries in secret

Loves in public

Galaxy eyes with the universe inside

Thrifted button downs 

Gray sports bra 

Kills all her plants but loves them so

Pleasure to have in class

Life of the party

Reads alone in the garden 

This is the girl I want to be

But i’m not and I don’t know if i’ll ever be

So i’ll keep dreaming

Keep weeping

Keep praying

Keep waiting

For the girl i’m meant to be