#this work thing has been really daunting and stressful and tiring but I'm happy for it

[cold-neon-ocean]

Adjusting to the new day job schedule has been so draining but I’m getting used to the routine. I’ve been poking at comms when I can on my off hours and I’m hoping to have the current queue wrapped up soon, it’s just been slow going, I appreciate the patience ;;

[siriuslysatorusimping]

Another Level rant/update 😬

I'm posting the rant that I started the other day when responding to an ask!!

You can read it below the cut 😊

When it comes to Another Level, I love the story so much. Obviously, I adore the characters. Another Level gave me Rinko. And I never imagined she'd become what she has. She's grown and taken on a life of her own that I never expected, and it's made me love her so much more. What's getting to me recently is that I honestly am just tired of the conflict in canon. It's stressful and exhausting to deal with.

As I've been trying to write for Horizon of Chaos, I realized that the events in the manga have really shaped how much I feel about writing anything for the month in between. It's really hard to write cute and happy when I know something that big is coming up. Our proverbial 'beach episode' is so much harder with shit like that looming on the horizon, even though they're going to make it through.

It makes me want to skip past it completely and go to the happily ever after. But that would feel wrong. It would feel half-finished. It wouldn't feel like the proper resolution after so much has happened.

It's also, if I'm being honest, getting a bit outside of my comfort zone. Because I've stuck as close to canon as I possibly could throughout the entirety of Another Level, and diverging so heavily now is a bit daunting.

To give a bit of a "behind-the-scenes" perspective, I'll share a secret that might not be that much of a secret: When I first started writing Another Level, back when I wasn't even sure if I was going to post any of it, I was determined to stick with canon no matter what. Meaning if Gojo died in canon, he was going to die in Another Level. I even had two plans for endings. For if he lived or died.

But, after writing a bit, and figuring a few other things out, it felt cruel to rip that chance at happiness away from them after they've been through so much. They've worked so hard and been through so much, and while JJK itself isn't meant to be a bright and happy story, I started writing Another Level specifically to deal with all that shit, so why make it darker than it needs to be when I don't have to?

I don't remember exactly when I made the decision, but at some point very early on I decided, 'Fuck canon if he dies. Gojo and Rinko are getting a nice happy ending together where they live long lives together and have cute lil babies.'

Another Level Gojo feels so close to canon that he feels like canon sometimes, as many of you have pointed out and said you like about him (thank you so much btw, it is greatly appreciated 🥹). But he has layers of character depth that he's gained through knowing Rinko that canon Gojo doesn't have.

Canon Gojo was perfectly happy dying to someone stronger. Because that meant he got to just be 'Gojo Satoru' and not 'The Strongest.' He was fulfilled and happy to die that way, leaving the rest to his students.

Another Level Gojo is tired. He's been fighting his entire fucking life. He's been blamed for shit his entire fucking life. And he's found the one person in the world who loves him and sees through all that bullshit, and he wants to finish this garbage and just have some quiet time to live his life being an idiot with this woman who has stayed by his side and seen the human in him since the beginning.

Another Level Gojo is going to want to be truly selfish. He's going to feel cheated dying now. As you saw in the most recent part of Horizon of Chaos, he's not ready to leave just yet. He wants more time with Rinko.

Because Rinko has always seen Gojo Satoru, the dumbass who does stupid shit and is just an overgrown child who never got to be a kid. And she's indulged him by giving him cookies and letting him have those moments of vulnerability with zero judgment for things that others spent years blaming him for. She was one of few people who never faulted him for not killing Geto sooner. Gojo knows how much she hated Geto by the end because of what happened to her kids, to Touma. But she has still maintained that she understands that he was his best friend and expecting him to react any differently than he did would be asking too much of anyone.

Remember one of the things she's told him during a moment of vulnerability?

"Even the strongest fail."

She has always seen his moments of genuine weakness as something to love and not something to break him down for. And he is so ready to just spend the rest of his life showing her just how much he loves her for it. So he will.

[kingofthewilderwest]

Are you really happy without the conventional work? How do you deal with feeling like a failure compared to your peers? How the fuck do i adult i'm so tierd and stressed and don't know what i'm doing

I'm really sorry about how tired, stressed, and uncertain you may be feeling. <3 That's really hard stuff to feel. And I mean that with every ounce of sympathy I wish I could express better beyond this stiff text. Sending you all the love.

I am happier without doing conventional work. It might be less stable because my jobs are short-term, and the instability does make me nervous, but I feel like it has more pros than cons for my personal happiness. It will not be for everyone, though, and I would not recommend it for everyone.

I'm assuming when you ask about feeling like a failure, it's both in concern to how I feel with it, and how you might feel yourself. <3 <3 I hope that this answer ends up helping. It's the best I can try. <3

As for myself, I don't for a second believe I am a failure. I've always been a cocky bitch, and here the cockiness reigns supreme: I'm pretty awesome whether I do anything or not. When I'm exhausted and unhappy and Depression takes over (and hooboy Depression can take over like demon possession), my mind might stray to unbearable self-hate and self-deprecation, but I argue against those voices rather than let them enter my everyday language about myself. (It's a dangerous habit to ever repeatedly insult yourself; it ingrains those thoughts in you worse, it really does.)

There's nothing that makes me a failure compared to my old peers. They're pursuing jobs that society traditional deems "successful." So what? They're irrelevant to me and my life, and my life is irrelevant to them. Society's ideas of what is and isn't good has always been complete bullshit anyway... why should I care if I amount anything to what broader society feels? Broader society is stupid and I don't give a damn about it. I'm not saying this out of bitterness or rejection or something; I honestly don't care because it's irrelevant to me.

I'm here to pursue myself, pursue what I personally like. If I feel happier, if I make a milestone that's relevant to me and myself and I, then that's awesome. In many ways, if I'm different than my old peers and not following into their notion of success, then I know I'm doing right by myself. ;) It's proof of my own growth, isn't it?

The truth of the matter is, nobody is a failure for being different than someone else. Every person has a different life path. I know for many people, they are more self-conscious about how the world around them operates, how the world sees them. If the world doesn't find them successful, beautiful, etc., they feel like shit. Maybe you feel self-conscious about not meshing with society or being "as good as" other people around you. And I'm here to say: your life is your life. <3 <3 I know it can be hard to stop comparing yourself with others, but in the end, I do believe we have to understand our own innate value is permanent. Our value is there no matter what. You are beautiful. Period. There's no ifs, ands, buts, accomplishments, actions, or choices that will change the fact you are innately incredible. <3

The people whose heart meshes with yours, the people who lift you up, those are the people that matter, and those people will never believe you're a failure. Those people will see you as the diamond you are. If people judge you and are cruel to you for that, then their voices are the irrelevant ones to be discarded, because they aren't valuing you, and so they don't have good life advice or good values. There's no value listening to idiots, fools, and castigators. Now, that's not to say that good friends and acquaintances won't tell you you're doing something wrong or struggling or making a bad choice... a good friend is someone who protects you by speaking honestly and warning you if they think you're stumbling... but they aren't going to put you down as some failure, either. They're there to help you move forward with your life's journey for yourself.

We all struggle. We all stumble. We all fall. We all fuck up. We all get tired. We all don't know what we're doing. We all flail around aimlessly. We all make the wrong choice. We all look "better" to outside viewers than we see of ourselves. We see the sloppiest parts of ourselves whereas most others don't, so that's why it's easy to be the most critical with yourself and start bashing on yourself. But I guarantee that my peers, shiny as their PhDs might look, have probably had nights where they've cried into their pillows, or been frazzled, or been at bad low points, or wished they were anyone else. And I wish them the best and emotional security, but what it means is: we're all some level of fucked up anyway. Some people have worse struggles than others, and that needs to be respectfully recognized, but at the end of the day, we're all human and we all struggle and our pains are all real things we experience. The pain is real and it's valid to feel bad over it. The best we can do is give ourselves a break, stop tormenting ourselves internally over our natural inability to be perfect, and when we have the strength, to give love and support to others so they don't stumble as bad as we did.

I want to relate to you by saying... I think I was constantly clueless, confused, anxious, and apprehensive in the first half of my twenties. It sucked and I'm sorry if things suck for you.

Somehow....... I think a switch was flipped somewhere when I got more years of "adulthood" under way. The switch flipped from "I hate that I don't know what I'm doing" to "ehhh, whatever, life is life." Now, it's not to say I'm more organized. I'm not. My refrigerator has more mold than food. There's a horrible smell coming from the kitchen sink where water's been resting in a dirty pot for several days. My laundry is scattered all over the floor and I've run out of pairs of clean underwear... ran out several days ago. Don't ask what I'm wearing. I don't know the last time I've vacuumed and my place looks like a tornado zone. It took me several months to have the mental energy to schedule my first COVID shot, and I often have to cancel my banjo lessons like an unreliable buttfart because something Came Up In Life Just Now. In many ways, my life is still a chaos zone. I think I'm getting better (I've earned a ton of money in my savings account the last two years, victory!!! I'm no longer living month-to-month!!!). But I just want to say in all this.... it's okay. It's not preferable that my house is disorganized piles of crap on the floor, but I can continue to live. If we manage to wake up, get ourselves food, do hours of work, then we have achieved adulthood, and everything else is icing on the cake.

In the end, I think "stability" in adulthood is being semi-comfortable with instability. Adulthood just means handling unstable shit, and if we're novices with it, so be it. Maybe as your life goes forward, things will be less tiring and less confusing. Maybe things will be more stable. Or maybe not. Maybe the same problems will keep coming around. But I think adulthood is the ability to accept that these problems come around, and handle them, even if you aren't 100% a master at the novel circumstances.

And over time, I do believe it gets easier. <3 It takes more to rock the boat. It takes more to daunt you. The things that were initially anxiety-causing become a part of everyday affairs, and when a new novel circumstance comes up, you're more mentally prepared to try on something new. I encourage you to keep at it, my friend. I hope things feel better over time. It's okay that you aren't sure what you're doing right now. Maybe someone can help you in the present day. Maybe in the future you'll know what you're doing with tasks that previously confused you. Maybe in the future, the new weird tasks won't feel as daunting. Adulthood is weird and we don't know what we're doing, but that doesn't mean that life is going to fuck us through that.

In the end, you will still have beauty in your life. No matter what, beauty will exist in its simplest forms, and the simplest forms are the best. You don't need to achieve anything to get there. You don't need to be put together (although being put together is nice and something I want to help my friends feel <3 ). You don't need to look impressive in society. If you see a beautiful sunset, if you see a cluster of cute mushrooms, if you pet a cat or dog or animal of your choice, if you spend twenty minutes talking with your friend on voice call, if you read a good book for half an hour in the morning, if you buy yourself a tasty $4 drink to treat yourself, then your adult life is worth it, and your adult life is enough. <3

[bookwyrminspiration]

(Sokeefitz with asd kid anon- I should really come up with a better name by now.) Hello, again. I hope you’ve been okay recently. I’m sorry, I know I send in a lot of asks and they all have literally nothing to do with the theme of your blog or anything. I know I should stop coming back soon, I’m sorry. I don’t want to flood your blog too much, although I think I’ve already failed at achieving that goal. I’m sorry, I should just get to the point of what I wanted to say. Thank you for everything you said to me regarding the meeting and all, those words were beyond helpful in getting me past that. School is such a struggle, and since school is like 95% of what I do I get to struggle constantly. I feel like I’m trapped in a cycle, I wake up, do school, try to sleep, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat. And this part isn’t that abnormal, obviously, but what makes it miserable is that I know it’s for nothing. Because the next day I’ll still be behind. The next day I’ll still show up to a million messages telling me about my missing assignments. I just hate it so much, and I don’t even feel like I have a right to hate it. Because there are so many people who‘ve known this feeling for so much longer, of doing everything you can to succeed and still failing. The dumb thing is that I’m not even looking forward to graduating or finishing school or anything. I don’t really have an interest in much of anything, and I don’t really have any hopes for the future. I know life only gets harder as you get older, if it’s not school it’s college and if it’s not college it’s work. I’m not going to be any better at those things than I am at this. The days just blend together all the time, and I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’m so tired of laying in bed knowing that the stress of today will only bleed into tomorrow. And it’s only been one quarter. I know I sound bratty, like boo-hoo school is hard and takes time. But I don’t know a better way to describe the feeling, I guess. I’ve always had to put double the effort in school just to get through one assignment. By the first hour I’m already drained, but I have to keep pushing through it because having a life takes time I don’t possess. I just hate how everything has always felt like a trial. Why are easy things so hard? The amount I’m working is actually only worsening my symptoms, but I can’t do anything about it because I don’t have time. I feel like I’m in debt for time, like I have hours and hours and hours to go before I could even reach zero. It feels like I’m taking physical damage, which is technically because I am because my heart‘s under constant strain which a) hurts and b) puts me at risk for a heart attack, but I can’t do anything about it because I don’t really have a choice in this. Okay I just realized how long this ask is, I’m going to end it here. You don’t have to respond to this, I understand if you don’t want to. I also understand if you’d rather me just leave your blog, I don’t want to ruin the nice environment you’ve created here.

hello! nice to see you again! If you'd like to give yourself a more official name, you're more than welcome to. Anyone is free to change the way they sign off/identify themselves whenever they want and as many times as they want, I only ask you let me know who you used to be so I can remember you <33. Or if that's too daunting I could name you! That sounds weird when I say it out loud but the offer is genuine. I'm personally partial to names like Onyx and Ophelia, but that's just me and also not the focus of your ask

I've been alright recently, thanks for asking. But you really don't need to apologize for sending me an ask. Friends talk to each other! You don't need to preface your presence with an apology. I'm always happy to talk to you and see you in my inbox! Doesn't matter the theme--I know I talk about kotlc a lot, but I enjoy talking about a lot of other things and you're not ruining a theme. And the frequency of your asks isn't a problem at all! You're allowed to send asks as frequently or as seldom as you want; there is no rule about needing to wait a certain amount of time before you're allowed another. You can send one a month, you can send one a day, you can send multiple a day. They can be thousands of words or a single sentence. I give you complete permission to interact with me as much or a little as you want, not that you need my permission to do that. You're not flooding my blog; you're not here too much. We're talking to each other and trading stories, and I want to interact with you as much as you're comfortable.

I'm glad something I said was able to help you. I know personally I always have so many words and thoughts about all my experiences and pick them apart into little details that I could thoroughly explain to someone else, but I seldom have somewhere I'm comfortable channeling those words. So if I can do that for you and help in any way at all, I'd like to.

Ah, the cycle. I know that all too well. As soon as you finish one thing, you can't even enjoy a break because you're aware of how short it will be and just how little time there is until you're right back into that working mindset. I had a semester where my executive dysfunction was getting really bad and I would put off my art homework the entire week and be miserable the entire time, then do it all in a five-hour focus hours before it was due. And as soon as I was done and going to bed I couldn't enjoy being done because I knew there'd be a new assignment the next week and I'd put it off the same way.

The next day there's another assignment. The next day there's more work and my room would get messier and I'd still need to shower and it'd be another day I hadn't written or read or wrote anything despite wanting to. And it gets worse when you have a hard time thinking about time, because it's even more difficult to see past the next day, to imagine what even the next week will be. How am you supposed to work towards and look forward to something that my mind literally can't comprehend?

"and I don’t even feel like I have a right to hate it." You do have a right to hate it. You're struggling and unhappy. That's enough. Your situation is bad enough to complain about and bad enough to be angry enough. I am giving you permission right now to complain and be mad because you shouldn't minimize your suffering. Yeah, someone might have it worse and have felt this way for longer. So what? That doesn't change the fact that you're unhappy right now and that you're allowed to feel that.

"I know it’s for nothing." It's not. You're going to be alive tomorrow and you're going to exist and that's something. Maybe it's not everything and you want more than survival and I cannot blame you for that in the slightest. But the first step towards living is to be alive. If I hadn't been living in survival mode for all those months I wouldn't have gotten to make lushberry juice today. I wouldn't get to go to the bookstore tomorrow. Your actions and your survival will build into something and it will be worth it to see what it becomes, I promise.

"The dumb thing is that I’m not even looking forward to graduating or finishing school or anything." That's not dumb. A lot of school and the ending of school seems to be a source of excitement for so many people, this idea that now you're free from this one thing that was holding you down and now you can actually experience the world. And it's not like that for anyone. I'm not looking forward to graduating or finishing school, either, if I'm being honest. it's become so familiar, even if I don't like it, that the idea of doing anything else unsettles me and I've literally considered going into programs just so I'll still technically be a student, because that's all I've been for the past decade. That may not be the same reasoning you have, but I at least understand in part.

as for not having an interest in anything, that's okay. It can take time to discover the things you're interested in and want to do. Whether that's personal or professionally or something else. And having so much of your time occupied makes it even harder to explore possibilities. But it really sucks sometimes to feel like there's nothing to you except school. Someone asks you what you like to do and maybe you can think of what you used to do, but all you do now is homework and assignments and thinking about how you're not meeting deadlines. Every weekend my dad used to ask my what plans I had, but my response was always homework. So much so that he stopped asking because he knew what I would say. And it sucks. It sucks because there are so many things I'd like to be able to say. I'd like to say I'm going to make paper and make my own paint and learn to bind books and I'm going to the craftstore and I'm listening to a podcast and I'm gonna cross-stitch a pattern I made all on my own. But the reality is I'm going to do homework. I'm going to write an essay the day it's due and I'm going to do assignments hours before I have to turn them in when I've had the entire week. Having interests can take a lot of work, but you'll get there. It's not a race and there's no time limit. I believe you'll find something to interest you and something to do with your time. You don't need to be productive, I just want you to be happy.

You don't sound bratty. You sound tired and overworked, and I'm sorry you don't have the supports you need. "I’ve always had to put double the effort in school just to get through one assignment." is a great descriptor. Just looking around the classroom it feels like everyone else is miles ahead in so many ways, at times. I have classmates who will finish assignments in half the time I do and turn them in online before they've even left class, not bothering to think about it beyond that. Meanwhile I get stuck halfway through and take it home and not only do I have to spend more energy on it, but I have to spend time finding that energy and trying to get myself to work. I know I'm a generally positive person and have a more upbeat online presence, but this is a controlled platform and you don't see everything. That's not to say if you look up to me for my attitude or positivity that it's fake and there's nothing to work towards, just to be aware that I'm not perfect either. I have bad days just like the rest of you.

I'm very lucky to have the school situation I do, where I only have to be there in person for an hour and a half and go home immediately after. But the traditional school schedule is brutal and it's no wonder you're struggling. I'm proud of you for how far you've made it and continue to make it, and I'm proud that this is something you're talking about. Sometimes expressing a feeling can be cathartic and help relieve it.

"I feel like I’m in debt for time." This is one of the worst feelings to me, simply because it's accompanied by so much hopelessness that it makes it so easy to get stuck in a rut. Especially when you have trouble starting tasks and you get so aware of all the moments that are slipping by that you could be using. I'm so sorry this is something you're dealing with, but at the very least you're not alone. And I'm sorry you don't have a choice in the things you're doing or where you're putting your effort. Maybe it even feels like you need to just stop doing things for a few months or years before you can even think about starting back up again. I know I feel that way especially after a semester ends. It's like I've been waiting for it to be over for so long so I can do the things I want to, but I'm so drained from the semester that I don't do anything for a week aside from exist because there's no energy for anything else. That's because I'm recharging. I was operating on emergency power and now that I'm not everything shuts down to reset. But I do reset. You get through it. And you can do things again without feeling like it takes everything from you. There is another side to all of this, and I can't wait for you to see it.

I feel like I've been a little cynical in this answer to try and match you and show compassion, but I'm not giving up on you--I never will. You're hurting and you have every right to be, and it sucks. And you're going to survive it. You're going to do more than survive and you're going to live. We both will. I'm not going to talk fake positives and tell you to get the most out of every day and just think happy thoughts, because that won't help. I will advise/suggest that you look for a few bright things. A few things that aren't as bad as the rest to start reminding yourself of what the world has to offer. My partner and I do this thing sometimes called Three Things. The original prompt was "what are three things that made you smile today?" but really it's asking "what are three things that sucked less than everything else today?" They may be things that actually made you smile like a funny joke in a movie or a moment in a book that you liked. Or it could be something that was neutral when everything else was bad. Or something that was bad but not horrible. Here, I'll go first: today, I listened to a song I liked; my dad bought Halloween candy just for the family at the store; I turned in an assignment at noon instead of at 7pm. Are those overwhelmingly positive things? Did they make me smile? Not really, if I'm being honest. But they're parts of the day that weren't as bad, and if they could exist today than they can exist tomorrow.

Don't worry about the length of your asks. Take up as much space as you need to explain and talk about what you want to. You're allowed to. And I will respond every time. I can't promise a prompt response all the time, but I will respond to you. It can be an entire essay or just a phrase. It can be about something that excites you or something you hated about the day. You could send me your three things if that's something you want to try. You could tell me a name you want so switch to when you send me asks. Anything and everything.

You're not ruining the "nice environment." I don't want you to go. I like talking to you and getting to know you and there's so much left to learn about you. What's your favorite color? Are you left handed or right handed? Have you ever been to the ocean? if you were to create a plaster mask, what would you paint on it? You're an entire person and I'm honored to get to know you and I hope I continue to get to talk to you for a long time.

you're part of the environment here; this is a whole community of people and you're a part of it. you're not bringing anything down or bothering anyone. You belong here, if you'd like to. I love having you here <33