#this wont solve anything but its helping me cope right now so fuck off.

[crazeyyovershares]

I have never been as terrified in my life as I am right now.

I. Need. Help.

Losing my home suddenly. Have no money to get into an apartment. Have no car to get to work. Have no where to leave my dog when I'm at work. I cannot and will not give him up. I'll give me up first.

I'm so scared I feel physically ill. My head is pounding, I can't stop crying.

I have less than a week.

Money would solve absolutely everything right now.

Fuck money.

Fuck. Money.

Fuck it.

....

...

..

.

If one more person tells me "you'll figure it out" I'm going to cold-cock them so fast their neck will snap.

A man who is supposed to be my family, who promised us a home and security for life broke his word to us. He's completely willing to let us live in a car or a tent in tent city.

His only child and their family just tossed aside like actual garbage.

Why? Because he refused to walk away form the house with no money. Refused to let us take over the mortgage and continue to live in the home that's been our family home since 1996 and be able to keep 2 other members of our side of the family from being homeless at the same time.

Refused.

Unless I buy him out he won't let us stay.

I dont have 30k to give him. That's a years wages for me and I JUST started a new job 2 days ago after a year of unemployment after another man's greed cost me my job.

He sold the company I worked for and the new owner cut all remote workers overnight.

I was there for 5 years.

The new owner didn't even bother to tell me I was #fired until the first day he was in charge despite having talked to absolutely all other employees before the sale went thru.

Applied to jobs for over a year. Finally found something and suddenly find myself losing my home in the same week.

We've been a one income house struggling to make ends meat for over a year. We have nothing saved, it wasn't possible.

2 steps forward one step back i guess.

I'm tired.

I'm #terrified.

No one gives a shit.

I have no one to get help from.

On top of it all I'm #AuDHD, have #PTSD and #PMDD. My meds are barely keeping me together.

.

.

.

What the point?

Anyways here's my dog and my bearded dragon. Wendigo and Franky.

[fairycosmos]

+ i have a job interview tomorrow and i just cant go. its a rlly good job but i just cant. idk why. maybe its my anxiety or me sabotaging myself again. i know my mom will think im a failure. but i just want to keep studying. i want to keep trying. it just feels more important. i want to want be alive before anything else. do you think im lazy?? iknow you'll never anwser this but should i go anway? is it awful that i never had a job? i just feel like a bum. idk sorry for putting this on u.

hey. no, i dont think you’re lazy at all. quite the opposite. i admire you a lot for caring so much about your studies, for wanting to make something of yourself and for continuing to try your best even though you’re going through such a difficult time at the moment. that’s a lot easier said than done, and yet you’re still managing it, which is really fucking cool. you should be proud. and listen, i’m 18 as well, and i’ve never had a job either. it’s super, super common. it’s not like it’s easy to get a job these days, especially while you’re still studying. and just cause you’re older now doesn’t mean you’re singularly responsible for the financial situation of your family. it’s not just down to you to make money, and that’s not your sole purpose in life. also, you’re definitely accomplishing more than i am, seriously. i know the world kind of pushes the idea that you’re only worth something if you’re constantly being used, if you’re constantly providing money or results or good grades. but that’s genuinely not true. it takes years and years to come to terms with the fact that it’s not true, but it’s not. honestly, how ‘well’ you perform from a capitalistic standpoint doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. how you treat others, how you choose to experience life, your interests and your hobbies - those all say more about you than whether or not you have a job. i know you’re not going to believe me, but you being here is good enough. your presence is the most important thing.  it probably feels like i’m lying, and it will for a long time, but if you start letting that idea into your mind, you’ll begin to accept it eventually. 

your parents clearly have fucked up priorities. and i’m sorry. because you deserve so much better than that. having a bad relationship with them will always be shitty, and you’re totally allowed to feel whatever you need to feel about it. anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, guilt. process it all one day at a time. as long as you try to cope with those emotions in a healthy way (letting yourself cry, talking about it, writing about it, practicing self affirmations), then you’re doing fine. but at the same time, there comes a point where you have to realize that your family have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. they really, really dont. if they only want to acknowledge you when you’re in a top school or when you have a great fucking job, then they dont deserve you at all. they wont even give you a chance to find your balance. seriously. they wont even cut you any slack. you owe them nothing but respect and since they dont respect you, you dont even owe them that. i dont know how else to put it but i cant stress it enough, they’re awful for making you feel so bad for no reason. i know exactly how you feel. and it’s just. like there’s no point in constantly overexerting yourself for the approval of people that are NEVER going to be satisfied. how they feel about you isn’t actually about you. it’s about them, and their own fucked up mindsets. you are not alive to serve them. you are not alive to be exactly who they want you to be, you know? this is YOUR life, not theirs. and it’s the only one you’re ever going to get. so if you have to make a few choices that disappoint them, then so be it. they’ll either get over it or fuck off, and either way you’ll be better off. it’s ok to start making choices for yourself, man. and it may take some time before you work up the courage to do so, but that’s alright too. it’s all a learning process. 

it seems like your anxiety/depression is the real crux of all of this, though. it’s really worrying, what you said in your other ask. my heart dropped reading it. if you dont confront that issue then you wont like it anywhere, because you wont like being yourself. whether you get a great job, or make a shit ton of money, or continue to study. whatever path you take, you’ll only be truly comfortable if you make your mental health a priority. you have to take it seriously. it’s okay to put yourself first, before the people around you, before school and work. because struggling with a mental illness is one of the most difficult things in the world. and you dont have to beg anyone to understand that. are you currently on any medication, or seeing a therapist or some sort of counselor? if you are, is it possible for you to ask for additional support? and if you haven’t spoken to anyone, is than an option for you? even if you just begin by talking to your usual doctor, to see if he/she can refer you to someone? if you’re worried about money, there are low cost/free options, too. it’s just that, suicidal thoughts are not something you just have to ‘put up with.’ and they’re certainly not something you have to deal with alone. others have been exactly where you are, others understand more than you realize. you dont have to hurt yourself outwardly to show that you’re hurting inwardly, alright? if you believe anything i say, believe that. your life is so precious and rare and significant, man. and where you’re at right now truly isn’t where you’re always going to be. you’re not trapped, you have a choice to make. making the conscious effort to seek help, to admit that you need some guidance, will make a massive difference in your perception of everything. if you work closely with a professional, then you’ll be able to create a care plan for yourself, you’ll be able to learn how to incorporate healthy coping mechanisms into your life, you’ll be able to find the root causes of why you feel the way you do. you’ll be able to talk openly about your family, and the way they make you feel, and your worries about the future. all of that will make the pain manageable. there is treatment available. it wont be an instant improvement, but reaching out is a wonderful place to start. your mental health is just as important as your physical health. and of course, there will always be a part of your mind that tries to talk you out of it. there’ll always be that moment of anxiety/fear, when you dont know what you’re doing. but you need to try to look past that, and to have a bit of empathy for your future self. temporary feelings should never stop you from getting the care that you need. so even if you just begin by calling a hotline to see what they think you should do next, then that’s still something to be v proud of.

i know it’s hard. i get it. i understand more than i can put into words. and i know that asking for help is a massive step. i’m not saying you have to make any big decisions right now. i’m just asking you to consider it, consider yourself for once in your life. i know there are days where you feel like living like this isn’t worth it at all. you dont want to live like this anymore, right? and you dont have to, but killing yourself wont solve anything. it’s ok to feel like giving up sometimes. as long as you know the difference between having a thought, and actually acting on it. you dont have to lean into the pain, you can just let it wash over you. your mental illnesses and your family and all of the bullshit is stopping you from seeing how wonderful and worthy you are, how much life still has to offer you. there’s so much you haven’t experienced. there is so much happiness waiting in the future. it won’t be constant, but it’ll become a theme in your life. you have all of the time in the world to figure things out. this is the exact age that you’re supposed to be confused and lost, and to not know what to do. you don’t have to have everything worked out right now. you’re doing so much better than you think you are, i promise. the only thing you have to worry about is taking care of yourself. that’s the only thing that’s truly in your control. you can create a better environment for yourself. you can create a life that you dont want to escape from, and that’s what you truly need. not to die but to re-envision your own existence. it’s healthy to do that from time to time. 

as a sidenote, it’s completely up to you whether or not you go to the job interview. there’s no pressure, there’s no wrong answer. but i just hope you know it’s okay to take things at your own pace, regardless of what your dumb ass family has to say. i think the smartest move for you to make is to put all of your energy into reaching out for help. continue to study, just put it on the back burner for now. continue to look for a job (tho i think smth part time is realistically a better option for you), but dont put all of your self worth into it. more than anything, this is a transitional period in your life. it’s the stepping stone between here and there. uncertainty is to be expected, anxiety is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean you have to handle it all on your own. i believe with all of my heart that you’re going to be okay. you said ‘i want to be alive before anything else.’ you should always hold onto that. you’re so fucking capable, and you’re so much stronger than you realize, dude. i’m not bullshitting. i’m being straight up. keep taking it one day at a time. if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even getting through one minute at a time is something to celebrate. look at the next 24 hours of your life, and see what you can do in that time to help yourself - fuck everything else. i’m always here if you need a friend, or if you want to talk about this properly. i’m sorry i couldn’t be of more help. if you ever need anyone, hmu. if you think you’re going to do something, hmu. and please stick around. you’re not going to regret it.

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

[palace-of-freedom]

I'm drained.

I want everyone to leave me alone, but i want them to care and ask me how i am. I want people around, but I also want to cry and i cant cry around people- i hate doing it. I just want to cry and cry and cry.

The one thing that was keeping me going was just get through life till april. that was it. Then it became May. Now I'm waiting till July for my friends to come back. and then within 2 months, they all leave. And this year is gonna be much much much harder to get through and I dont know if I'm strong enough to handle it. I dont think I am, but its not like I have much of a choice. Anyway now I'm just telling myself to make it through till september 2020. But that's waaaay too far away. I dont have that kind of strength or patience.

i dont want to be here. I dont want to be anywhere. I dont want to be abandoned. I dont want to have to deal with people leaving. I just want to be happy, but the only happiness I can get is induced happiness. Happiness from alcohol or sugar, excercise or music. I literally cannot cope right now. I can't feel anything but all consuming sadness. I want to scratch my skin off. I want to bite my lips off. I want to rip my head off. The latter will at least solve some of my problems. I want to *poof* into thin air and thats it...be done with everything.

Too much is changing and I cant deal with it. I dont know where even to begin. I think a good starting point is when i had to break up with my boyfriend of two years. That shattered me. Going through the breakup and hearing the words he said to me - it ruined me. It broke my confidence. It took away all my self worth. I saw myself as a selfish, worthless, useless bitch. I tried to be nice to everyone to compensate for that side of me - the bad side. I tried to be there for everyone. I wanted to be the nice, sweet person I used to be, but it was difficult to even muster up a smile. It was tough to be as observant as I was. I became lost in the negative thoughts so I tried looking for only positivity in the world. Through most of my 13th grade, the only feeling I remember having is being drained. My only clear memories are crying in school washrooms. The good memories are still there, but they're vague. I remember sitting outside school with some of my best friends and just talking for half an hour at least, every single day. I remember going for movies. I remember going to the park. I remember walking around the school and drinking lemonade with my best friend during break. But for the life of me, I can't remember what conversations we used to have (good ones). I can tell you all the bad though. I can tell you about everyone's drama. I can tell you about the fights I had with my best friend. I can tell you about every single bad grade I got. I can tell you about my very stupid crush on a guy who wasnt good for me and all the consequences it had on my mental health.

Actually lets delve into this crush. So i liked this guy for six months on and off, just a few months after my break up and that left me feeling like I had no worth or value. And over that, my ex used to keep messaging every few days telling me how selfish i was, how i fucked up his life, how everything was my fault, how i was too sensitive and how the two years he spent with me were just completely worthless to him. This new guy, was the complete opposite. Where all others invalidated me or told me I wasnt capable of anything, he told me I had skill and talent. That I would make it in a career I was doubtful of choosing. He made me feel better about myself. He was very positive and optimistic and being around that gave me that happiness I lost after my break up. He was easy to talk to. He genuinely listened to me. He opened up to me quite a lot. It made me feel validated. Accepted. Cared about. Something that was lacking from most others. So we began talking a lot. Whatsapp conversations, Skype calls, phone conversations..it was endless and it was addictive. It felt good. It felt like a high. The sad thing about highs is that the higher you go, the lower you fall. There's no helping it. I crashed flat on the earth once that high faded away, and there wasnt even a relationship. it was more of a teenage, childish crush that everyone, but me, could see end in disaster. In fact I think I was called a stupid idiot at least a 1000 times for even thinking about the guy that way. What went wrong was he couldn't see me that way, and he had a crush on two other girls during that same time. And on the night of my birthray, he sent me these really long paragraphs about how he was sorry that he couldn't feel anything for me, but that me liking him gave him a big confidence boost.

That summer i moved on from him, but it cracked another piece of me. I redeveloped feelings for my ex, who i hadnt seen in a year, apart from stalking him, and i chased happiness by stalking him on instagram. It gave me satisfaction to see he was happy, but it also made me jealous. The problem was all of this stalking was done through my best friend's account and he wasnt happy. He yelled at me for stalking and said some other stuff that I dont remember, and then went on to ignore me for 3 days because of that. A month later another very good friend decided she had it with me and walked out of my life as well. she believed I was too biased and that we couldnt be friends anymore because I fucked up. Again. I dont regret it...but i dislike losing people, but somehow its just become a thing. Everyone leaves. I fuck up. All people fuck up, but I think my fuck ups are bigger than most. The consequences are more drastic.

despite losing so many people that summer and the amount of arguments I had to go through, it was still the best summer of my life, because the friends that did stick around made it worthwhile. They made life fun. I felt happy. Thats when i realized that I dont need any of the people who walked out to keep me happy. I needed the ones who stuck around. The new friends. The people i vibed with better. People who actually listened to what I had to say and valued my thought process. We had fun and I was growing up, driving, cooking and it felt nice.

But then I had to go to India, and it was a major setback. All the growth was down the drain. More arguments came behind me. More fights. More detachment from people I cared about. and some death. I fell into a bad slump. It lasted throughout my first year of university and got better only when my friends came back from abroad and the fun hangouts started again.

I spent the entire first year of university only arguing with my closest friends from school. There were lots of tears, lots of emotions...and a conditioned thought - everybody leaves. My best friend of 15 years couldn't stay in my life so why should anyone else? It comes down to me - I'm that bad a human being. I'm that intelorable. My value in another person's life is that little.

My fear of abandonment has always been bad. But now its almost unmanageable because its mixed with a lot of insecurity. so now I want to push people away. I want to hurt them. I want to distance from everyone. And if I feel like a shitty human being on the inside, I may as well act like one on the outside. At least it'll hurt less when everyone walks away, because people have time limits and expiry dates. But at the same time, I dont want to hurt anyone. so now im just worming to kill all my expectations, stop asking or demanding anything from anyone - then at least the pain of it all decreases. maybe then at least, receiving bad news from a friend, or having a friend annoyed at me, or finding out people are going abroad, wont feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. it'll just feel like a punch. And you can live through punches. It hurts for a few minutes and then its all ok. you heal. You find an escape, and right now, im plotting mine.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this morning i watched him simply turn to his mother, "oh yeah did i tell you about the bin" - a source of financial frustrations for him. and that brief moment, that opportunity and ability to turn to someone and say hey, heres this thing at a drop of a hat. i really yearn for that. most if not all of my current connecrions eith people are totally false. theres no substance or genuine care. theres just this surface level like you dont want to see a dog withiut water but youre not going to adopt the dog. lately ive felt extremely isolated - i dont know if its even worth talking about. i dot know if talking about it will solve it or make it easier. i guess i think abiut this one tidbit of advice his mother got, its about creating and living in a new normal. what was once normal for you is over and you have to create a new normal for you. so my new normal is spending a lot of time alone. even if i worked, perhaps itd bother me less because id be distracted and tired and that in itself is sad. no matter what there is an extreme looming sadness. why the fuck does any of this matter, why do i care - why should i go on? whats the purpose of going on? what do i have besides the belief thst "everything is out there for me" as if i magixally decided to hibernste and ignore what opportunities i had available. i am a god damn termite to people. im just like.. this thing that hovers around and sucks your resources but you feel bad for it so you let it go. lately ive noticed the air of desperstion i carry. i want to be around people. i want to care and be cared for. i want to be active in someones life and have someone message me and ask me whats up on a regular basis and just.. you kbow, care. but the more i want it the more people have turned away. i offer everything for it laid out in front of me - my house, my food, what little money i have, the opportunities i manage to come up with - i just keep offering it all out so i can have it in return. or maybe just a portion of it. i believe im worthy of love. i dont live in such a state of depression; i have a variety of interests, i hold good conversations about politics and life and philosophy, i am creatively ralented and my domestic skills are top notch as are my hosting skills. i am worthy of love. but i am not receiving it. i am inherently shielded from love. like its sketchy and gross. like im a diseased animal. maybe they want to love me but they cant because im a person who cant be loved. i want to go out and do things with people but i am not invited. i dont even think its a personal thing, i think they coukd even think i wont have the means or care to be involved. sometimes i dont. but im never asked out for a coffee or a drink. my friendships come by happenstance, as they always have, and thoee hwppenstance friendships have never lasted. why am i never asked oto do interesting or fun things? not even free things? im isolated and im constantly constantly constantly reaching out for something. just wow, thank you for talking to me. like i have to beg people to hang out, double, triple check they didnt forget and once im there they busy themselves with anything but a direct connection to me. i watched this right to die documentary. it was focused towards mental and unseen health issues and the argument was made that perhaos in sone of these cases, if they expended as much energy tryi to help them live as they did helping them die, the might actully not want to die. but i think society ca be like that. they would rather help you die, little by little, piece by piece, than expend the energy to help you live. i realized i am very different from others thiugh. people tend to accept a very small amount of "help" as sonething large and amazing that they did. they donated, had a coffee eith a friend whos been down for months, did a birthday psrty gig cheap etc. but i would literally accept them into my house right now and bathe them and feed them and give them my clothes and make them a bed and listen to them cry for hours endlessly. this is without question. all they have to do is ask. maybe not even ask - ill offer if i think theyy could use it. because it hurts me not to. i feel really anxiously guilty and it will be invasive to my life knowing i didnt give everything i couldve to a person i thiught needed help that i had grown a bond eith. THATS how ive been walked on for a long time. i alloeed it, maybe asked for it, because i believe in helping. i know how bad life is. i live in the trenches of it. i dont want to see another person suffer the same way. i think id gut myself and give a kidney to someone i loved. life is too hard and i feel too much. once you know what true loneliness is, it really changes you as a person. it changes and shifts your perspective and at times i feel like i want to be the most genrrous person, thst im moved by suffering but at other times i am bitter. absolutrly bitter towards the world around me. why is there suffering and why is it sonlarge you cant do anythint abiut it. why could i say every person i know is "crazy" - no one is crazy . everyone truly is exactly the way they needed o be to survive this long. they developed their own coping skills and theyre more than likelt a total inconvinience to everyone else. which makes it "crazy" i was called neurotic. im not crazy, im neurotic. why am i bothered. why. why do i care. i dont care. thats the problem. i "care" because my environment forced me not to care to a point that everything is utterly futile. i cannot find a purpose to care. i dont care about having things. i dont. i barely care about eating. i barely care about affording smokes. these are things i "want" at rhe very least and nothing pushes me for it. nothing gets me up and solving these problems. nothing makes me feel like any of this is important eniugh to have and experience and be. why? in the end , theres nothing. i cannot get over the pure nothingness ahead of me. thats reqllt driving my anxiety. to me, i see nothing. i dont see myself with this job or career i want to be apart of, actively socializing and existing, i dont see myself living in an apartment or basement or shack or trailer, i dont see a family, no children, no reliability, no stability. is it my environment. is it the people i know. is it my city. is it the country. how do i solve this. what can i do to create purpose? i went out, i joined clubs, i put on shows, i picked up hobbies, i met new people, worked new gigs, experienced new romances but to what purpose. what do i do now. how do i enjot life? i admired his ability to enjoy life as is. like he takes joy in small things and everything is meaningful and worth value. he created purpose in his work and drive. he still does. i want that. at the very least. start small, right? i want to find wonder and joy in my world. i want to feel what he feels; going hiking, bike riding, buileing things, playing games, friendships - theres just like accomplishment in it. i try to implement this, regularly. i really try. a d being poor makes it easy because you learn to appreciate things alot more. i am so grateful for the ability to have what i have. and i create these scenarios and try to appreciate its novelty, i guess. like painting in an artists studio in a gallery. it should be an experience, something creative and inspiring. but no matter how hard i try to shine the experience, its nothing more than a gsthering space for fuck ups. i hate it. i hate it but how do i change it and what do i want. what do i want so i know the path to take for it. i willingly try new things with ease becahse i hope itll be the thing. something will click and this will be it but im 27 yrs old and ive had many experiences thst led to nothing. always nothing. and i grasp. i like cats. maybe ill work in a pet store. but thats crazy, a pet store is mearly retail and retail is nothing more than stocking shelves and talking to people. othing to do with cats. do i go to school? do i dedicate my being for the welfare of cats? is it that important to my life? do i cook? professionally? what about baking? a greenhouse? floral designer? "just get -a- job". fine. fine. fine. get -a- job, but then what? i can eat but i have no desire to. i can buy nice things, go places - have no desire to. fantastic, im not a burden to anyone - the real goal. but i have nothing. and its so hard, so fucking hard to comprehend nothing when you know something. i never imagined the reality of nothing on such a level. ever. i knew it would come, but the heavy reality of it is something i never couldve known. so no one understands having a tangible "something" and feeling nothing. what is a nice house. what is a nice car. what is luxury and why does it matter and why dont i feel the same way about it? its nice, its easy, its beautiful- i see it. but why doesnt it make me feel the same way it does him and my exs and my friends. why dont i care? i think.. 5 hours ahead of me, really. i try to think a day or so ahead but i never go through with anything i think ill do a day from now. who knows what will happen. who knows if i get an opportunity for honest interacrion, who knows if i earn money - but i know in five hours ill still be here. ill probably want weed. ill probably want food. maybe ill be tired and sleep early or nap until someone bothers to acknowledge me. maybe they wont, but thatll be for me in five hours to deal with and itll start over again. working paycheck to paycheck is nothing like living hour to hour. i am in the absolute worst position of my life, bar none. i have never been so bad off, so depressed, so hopeless for such a long period of time. i am totally lost. always. j

[fairycosmos]

i recently lost my job and feel like im mooching off my roommates. we live in a rly shitty apartment, and theyre messy and i can't keep up. i feel rly insecure, ugly and useless, and im so scared of having a new job and new people. i just want to waste away and disappear. i didn't know who else to say this to, and i love ur blog, so here i am

oh man :(( i'm so sorry to hear that, what the fuck. it seems like you're in a really low place right now, and when you're feeling so down it's easy to fall into a trap of self hatred -- but try to cut yourself some slack. you're trying. you're already thinking about looking for another job despite being scared, and upset. that takes guts, and it proves that you're not mooching. you're not content with doing nothing and letting your friends do everything for you, that's not what this is. and i'm sure your roommates understand. it's hard to believe anything positive when you're feeling like this, but please try to listen to me. where you're at right now is not where you're always going to be. this is just a stepping stone between one phase of your life and the next. every negative thought you have, and every negative emotion you feel, is temporary. it'll pass. you'll learn and grow from it. sometimes things slip beyond our control, and all we can do is try to cope with one hurdle at a time. that's good enough.maybe this is redundant, cause idk what your room mates are like as people, but do you think it'd be possible to work out some sort of cleaning schedule with them? it doesn't have to be intensive. it just helps to work as a cohesive team when it comes to that sort of thing. having a tidy environment may lift your spirits a little, and it'll motivate you more than you realize. if that's not an option, maybe you can just keep a certain area for yourself and look after it and make sure it remains clutter-free. perhaps that'll give you a semblance of control? i promise, there are ways to work around this. i get that it all feels v heavy and hopeless, and I'm not saying cleaning/communicating honestly with your room mates will solve everything, but its a good place to start.as far as getting a new job goes, it's okay to be scared. it's a pretty terrifying prospect. you don't have to reject the fear or get mad at yourself for feeling it, but you also don't have to let it control you. think back to the first day of your last job. you were probably nervous as hell. but within the first few weeks, didn't it become normal and routine? didn't the new people become familiar fixtures in your life? where ever you go from here, you'll adapt. i promise, you will. it wont always be easy. there'll be awkward moments and times you'll look back on with regret. but that's normal. that's how you learn to get it right the next time. things don't always have to go to plan. you're supposed to fuck up sometimes.above all though, i really think it'll help you to make your mental health a priority. idk the details of your situation, but is it possible to get in touch with a counsellor/therapist? even just your regular doctor is a good place to start, cause you can let them know what's going on and they can refer you. if that's not available to you, you can also try looking for support groups in your area, calling a mental health hotline, and leaning on your friends/family for emotional support. please. i know it's easier said than done, and its painful and weird and embarrassing, but you don't have to do this alone. you really really don't. knowing when to ask for help, and actively doing so, is crucial. don't listen to your mind when it tried to talk you out of it - your perception can't be trusted. i get that it feels like far too much effort. but i'm just asking you to consider utilizing any resource that is available to you. over time, it'll really lift the weight from your shoulders, seriously. i really hope you're okay, and that things turn around for you soon. i'm sorry i couldn't be of more help, but i'm rooting for you so much and i really believe that you can and will overcome this. and thank you so much for saying you love my blog wtf :(( that's so sweet. i'm sending you all the love in the universe. please message me if you ever need a friend.