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blue-honeycomb · 5 years ago

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Escape Artist: Chapter 1 [Aizawa x Reader]

Decided to play around with this for a bit before going back to my other stuff.

Masterlist

Prologue | Part 1

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The Escape Artist stared at the television screen with incomprehension, blinking once, twice, until a small hand smacked her dead center in the face. The force was enough to shake her from her thoughts and she cast a sidewards glare at the little brat sitting casually beside her.

Big, off-white eyes stared unflinchingly into her own, equally white, featureless face twisting into some form of expression that was lost on her. Luckily, the little hellion's hair was prone to flashing colors with their emotions, so she at least has some idea as to what they wanted. Even if that idea was vague at best.

"How was I supposed to know there was a whole pack of heros right there?" She huffed, casting her eyes back to the news special broadcasting her latest anti-kidnapping kidnapping with concerningly clear footage. Like, crystal clear HD, not some fuzzy security camera but media quality definition; the kind that got you recognized.

On the screen was a video of her popping into existence in a police station not even 3 yards from where a group of heros and police officers were finishing up an interview, setting the child she'd brought in a chair as he chewed on the mochi she'd thought to bring with her for just such a purpose. As though in slow motion, she could see her screen self whip around and suddenly freeze, staring directly at the heros, and consequencely the cameras, before disappearing once more. Honestly, it was pretty comical, and apparently, a good portion of the in studio reporters seemed to think so too.

"That," She pointed at the screen for emphasis while leveling the yellow flashing, blank-faced little shit a glare. "Was not intentional, no matter what you little misfits seem to think." From the shadow of the color flashing cretin popped another one, this one gray haired and black eyed, grinning widely at her with his wickedly sharp teeth.

"Don't make up shit just cuz you can't understand me. Don't think I'm not on to you, shark boy." Not that any of her brats ever listened to a thing she said anyway. The only one who ever seemed to try was Spitter, but that was because the boy couldn't say no to anyone ever, so it was never satisfying. Hard to feel victorious about getting your way when it took years of abuse to make the person (a little fucking boy) willing to heel on command. Thinking about how'd she'd found the little guy made her stomach turn.

Moving on before she breaks something.

Shark brat said something about hero costumes to Whiteout Brat and a lot of gesturing took place, as well as a good bit of yelling. Thankfully they lived far enough underground to avoid being hear by any passerbys. Escape Artist turned away while they were distracted and let them entertain themselves while she thought about what she'd just seen.

It was the first time the public had seen conclusive evidence of her existence outside of a few shitty grocery store video feeds, and the entirety of Japan seemed to be eating it up. Words like vigilante and uncatchable were being tossed around, as well as theories about teleportation quirks and being a greiving mother seeking vengeance. All these things would have made her snort in amusement had it been even a few months ago. But now? Now she couldn't afford to get caught or have a hoard of glory-hounds on her trail. Too many mouths to feed, for one, and secondly, too many little bodies following her when she wasn't looking. Anything could happen with the added variable of nosy superpower enhanced dogooders.

The problem with working with homeless, traumatized children is that after you've taken care of them for a while they come to expect you to actually take care of them. As in, not just feeding them occasionally and giving them a place to crash, but actually filling that parent shaped whole in their lives and taking over all the responsibilities that comes with it. Like protection, love and trust. And time. Especially time. So much more than she has to spare.

So they've taken to following her when she's not watching closely enough, and that terrifies her because she can give them love and trust in abundance, but protection is something she just can't provide. She simply isn't strong enough to take them with her everywhere she goes, let alone into a situation that may one day be her last.

Speaking of situations.

It was time to go out and get more food. While nothing went bad in her inventory, thank God, it never actually stayed full with how many mouths needed feeding everyday. Shark boy alone could put away half his body weight in a single sitting if given the chance, and even that's got nothing on Bull or Hot Shot. Honestly, and though Escape Artist would never say it aloud, Bull's vigorous appetite may have been the reason she was abandoned in the first place. She just had to eat so much to function that even with the triweekly raids Escape Artist could barely keep up with the ever growing demand.

And then there's Hot Shot. Nicely put, he was a rather enthusiastic young boy in possession of a very destructive, fuel-exhaustive quirk neither she nor he had any idea how to train. It wasn't until he'd joined her merry little band that she'd learned the location of every clothing store in the city. Every single one of them.

Her life sometimes, she swears.

There was a shattering sound in the designated kitchen area, followed by a high pitched screech that fell somewhere between a frog croak and a chirp. Not even a second later the sound of footsteps darting through the tunnels at frankly ridiculous speeds creeked overhead, followed closely by the wall rattling thud of Bull chasing right after.

Escape Artist sighed, running a hand through her hair and pulling slightly. Beside her, Shark boy leapt to his feet in a dead run to go watch the drama unfold with unholy glee, Whiteout following at a slightly more moderate pace. Not even 8 in the morning and already the chaos had begun.

Her head thud quietly against the back of the couch. "I don't get paid enough for this shit."

---

Escape Artist was more than a bit concerned by what had happened on her way back home, but she supposed it could have been worse. For one thing, she wasn't dead, and for another, neither was the man she'd smacked headfirst into (or more accurately, he'd smacked face first into her). Unfortunately for the man though, the impact had left him notably unconscious and maybe a little bruised around the nose and forehead. In short, she done fucked up and this time it didn't involve another mouth to feed… she hoped. She didn't know if she had the patience needed to take care of a full grown man on top of the 8 kids at home and the 2 feral cretins that visited occasionally.

It'd been a simple case of bad luck all around, honestly. She'd just finished robbing the local Walmart (yes, it still exists and she still doesn't know how to feel about that months on) and was coming out of ID when she's suddenly been thrown to the ground by a speeding black mass all but flying through the darkened alley. Her first thought upon getting over her shock was to thank whatever was watching over her that night it wasn't a car. Her second was to fret over whoever she'd just gotten killed.

Luckily, it hadn't been a car and the stranger had survived the encounter. So, all was good in her books, besides the obvious part where the guy was laying unconscious in an alley and sporting an obvious hero getup in the shadier part of this district. If that wasn't asking for a knife in the back than she didn't know what was.

So now here she was, sitting across from the unmoving lump of man, chin in hand and elbows firmly planted on her thighs. She'd covered him up with a blanket from her inventory some time ago to keep him at least somewhat warm as the night gradually grew colder around them. She didn't think she'd manage to get the thing back before the guy was up and trying to kick her ass, but Hot Shot needed to learn to control his flames anyway and maybe going coverless for a while was just the motivation he needed to do so. She pointedly didn't think about the extra comforters she'd grabbed because she knew the first wouldn't last three nights in the little shit's care.

She blinked slowly, eyes roaming over what little bit of the man she could make out from under the blanket. Long, dark hair curling over the blanket and his heavily stubbled face (she'd picked the wild mass up off the filthy ground because ew), long lashes and a narrow, masculine face. He was attractive for sure, though the dark lines around his eyes, nose and forehead made him seem almost sickly pale in the unflattering street light. What she noticed most though was the peeks of sleek, firm muscle that the fluffy covers, ridiculously huge scarf and baggy clothing couldn't hide.

She was a woman with damn human needs. It'd been at least 3 years since she's gotten any and she was long overdue. She felt strongly that she should be able to appreciate this man's undeniable beauty so long as she kept her hands to herself and didn't do anything creepy like take pictures or some shit. She blatantly ignored the little voice whispering about how equally creepy it was to watch someone sleep without their consent.

It was also creepy how the observe function of her quirk let her learn a few tidbits about the man without any conscious effort, but for the most part she ignored the notifications hovering around the man all together. It wasn't like she'd ever meet the guy again after this, unless he was trying to arrest her of course. Either way, she doubted learning this guy's name or whatever was really worth invading his privacy anymore than her mere existence did. She'd like to think she has some standards.

In her uncharacteristic moment of distraction she failed to notice the subtle shift of the man's head before he went eeriely still. It wasn't until she was shifting to get more comfortable and noticed that a section of his hair was misplaced that she realized her mistake.

It happened too fast for her to properly react. With a quiet that belied the strength behind the attack, the man launched himself into her personal space and had her wrapped head to toe in the weird scarf he had with him. On instinct she tried to open her ID, but with a cold chill of realization discovered she couldn't get it to activate. In fact, her whole world seemed to suddenly swirl on its axis and for the first time since she'd come to this place her mind blanked with true, mortal terror.

His eyes glowed deep, sinister red against the shadows spread over his handsome face, dark hair whipping above his head like a dark, inhuman halo. Those muscles she'd been admiring just moments ago were suddenly the weapons of intimidation they were meant to be, something that made her heart race and quake with fear.

And her body. Maybe even worse than the sudden influx of terror was the sudden aknowledgement of her body's long forgotten functions. Where once she was satisfied she was now hollow, the movement of long unused organs felt like insects crawling though her body, scratching and nipping as they went.

Suddenly, the world was not just a thing that could be walked away from with a single though and a armful of goods. For the first time since she'd opened her eyes in that alleyway nearly a year ago, it was just her, the world and all the dangers that came with it staring her down with burning red eyes.

For the first time since she received her quirk she was well and truly alive.

"Escape Artist, was it."

#BNHA #Escape Artist AU #Gamer AU #Aizawa Shouta #Aizawa x Reader

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adashofniallandasprinkleoflunacy · 6 years ago

Note

the hades!harry vibes are strong in this photoshoot

[inspired by some ideas @harrysroleindunkirk came up with ;’)]

///

Hades could be such a narcissist at times and Persephone knows this.

She knows it very well because through all of the millennia she had spent married to him, she had seen the trait manifest across all different types of situations.

His slight narcissism was evident in the way Harry carried himself. How he went about the halls of the palace and the corridors of Olympus with his broad shoulders back, his chest puffed forward, and his expression set in a cool, stoney façade of superior indifference. It was present in the way he sat on his golden throne with his back perfectly straight and his thighs parted, not too wide but just enough to establish an aura of dominance in the humongous judging room.

It was evident in the smug, self-indulgent energy he gave off whenever servants, gods, and other mythological creatures praised him for anything he did. Whether it was higher beings complimenting his input during a council meeting up on Olympus, or members of his board expressing their awe at how smoothly he ran the Underworld, and even when a random nymph blushed bright green while serving him his wine. It all tickled him pink, feeding his ginormous godly ego to the brink.

And most of all (in her life, at least), it was ever-so prominent behind the thick black oak doors of their bedroom. It was in how Hades would fuck her up against the wall with her feet dangling off the ground, thighs clasped around his waist as he would grip her throat and jaw roughly, gritting his teeth while looking down upon her from over his cheeks, neon green electric currents webbing across the juniper shade of his irises. He would pound into her so hard the paintings would rattle on the obsidian walls, her hands clawing at his sweaty, flexing back as she released broken whines and pleas, shaking in his strong arms.

”Tell me how much you fucking love it. Want my dirty little thing to scream how bad she wants my cock.”

Harry’s narcissism wasn’t overwhelming by any means, but rather subtle and almost graceful, lurking beneath his natural confidence and waiting for the right moment to surface.

And it reveals itself now, as Y/N sits back on her heels amongst the dew-covered grass of her garden, looking small amidst the colorful arrays of daffodils, roses, and peonies. She’s grumbling to herself as she picks and prods at the fancy mechanism Harry had brought back from his trip overland, cursing humans for making everything more complex than it has to be.

“Oh, for Zeus’ sake, princess. Give it here.” Harry strides over from where he was leaning against a giant tree with leaves the color of red wine, taking the demented object from her grasp gently, rolling his eyes in a jesting manner. “Your age is starting to show. Can’t even work a camera.”

“Shut up.” Y/N snaps, a grouchy pout settling itself on her tinted lips as she crosses her arms over her chest grumpily, slumping down onto the ground fully, her bottom fitting in the space between her calves. “It’s not my fault! They’ve added so many more buttons since the last time I handled one.”

Persephone watches with a type of begrudging wonder as Harry turns a few knobs and slides his thumb over a small disk that clicks with every rotation. He looks through the tiny glass square at the top of the camera, focusing the lense on her and turning it slowly with professional ease.

“There we go.” He sighs giddily, stepping forward and extending the shiny black Canon toward his awaiting wife. His voice comes out warningly, but playfully so. “Now don’t go messing with the settings or I’ll have to do it all over again.”

“Now don’t go messing with the settings or I’ll have to do it all over again.” Y/N mocks in an irritated, high-pitched tone, yanking the equipment piece from his grasp and starring down at the minute screen. “I’ll do what I bloody please.”

Hades bends down so that they are level, setting his forearms on his knees and tilting his head slightly to the side teasingly. A single eyebrow kinks upwards, getting lose beneath a few curls that hang over his forehead (he’s been letting his hair grow out recently). “S’that so?”

“Yup. I’m gonna chuck this thing into the River Styx.”

Harry reaches a hand forward, cupping her jaw in his fingers and swiping his thumb over the faint dimple that curves at the center of her chin. “I love it when you’re a helpless little menace. Means you need me that much more.”

“Oh, fuck off!” Persephone scoffs, shoving his hand away by his wrist and glaring at him as he giggles boyishly.

“You know I love you, pet. It’s all in good fun.”

It takes a couple of minutes, but eventually Y/N manages to get a feel for how the camera works, fiddling with it as Harry mulls over what poses he should do for the impromptu photoshoot he’d decided on out of nowhere.

He had been up in the mortal world earlier that day, strolling through a shopping mall casually while thinking over his layout for the upcoming Halloween party up on Olympus. He was in charge of planning this year and it’d be utterly embarrassing if the god of the Dead delivered anything less than a bone-chilling extravaganza.

Hades had been entertaining the idea of a blood fountain instead of a chocolate fountain (he knows Zeus would never go for it, but he still wanted to suggest it) when he had stopped dead in his tracks in front of a store he had never seen before.

It was new, obvious in how shiny and pristine the interior looked through the spotless tall glass windows. The framework on the gilded doors was imprinted with images of exotic animals— lions, tigers, dragons— and glittered under the sunlight that streamed in from the glass dome that was at the center of the shopping mall.

Even more breathtaking than the exterior was the interior. Specifically, the clothing.

Racks upon racks of suits, shirts, pants, and accessories lined the store, the fabrics shimmering, looking expensive and custom-made and suited for a king, which he happened to be.

Hades felt light-headed for a second as his eyes trailed across a certain tuxedo jacket with a midnight blue background and silver flowers embroidered into the silk, the thread twinkling as if diamonds had been mixed into the material. Across the torso of the item, golden frills draped the sharp shoulders of the article, overlapped by an exaggerated black velvet collar that that folded grandly. On either sides of the oversized collar are two gilded metal lion head pins, studded with an array of jewels of all different colors— red, green, blue, yellow, and even lilac.

The tuxedo hugged a cloth manikin, which sported a starch white button-up beneath with a giant gemmed cross in the center. The whole look tied together beautifully and Harry then noticed that there was literal drool gathering along the inside of his bottom lip.

He’d wanted that suit and he wanted it now.

Hades only took a second to glance up at the giant neon Times New Roman letters that hovered above the entrance to the store, making a note of the name so he could go online and fawn over more clothes later.

GUCCI.

Walking in, Harry didn’t look like much. Just a young man in loose beige trousers, a pair of black boots, and a plain white t-shirt with the collar and sleeves bordered by dark blue accents. He quite liked the minimalist approach when he wondered the mortal world; he liked feeling like one of them.

But apparently, the woman at the register wasn’t too fond of his look, giving him a distasteful once-over and assuming that he was in a store-front that was heavily out of his league. The cheapest thing on stock cost no less than two grand and, frankly, the most expensive item the lean boy was wearing looked to cost not even a twelfth of that. She didn’t want some wannabe hipster wasting her time.

Little did she know Harry was anything but.

Hades had made a beeline for the outfit that had captured his heart, brushing his fingers along the fabric softly with care, almost of if he were afraid to disturb it. His array of rings gleamed under the buttery lights of the chandelier in the store, reflecting how he felt inside as the silk tickled the pads of his digits.

“Gods, it’s beautiful.” He had mumbled under his breath, thumb kissing the studded surface of one of the bejeweled tiger heads.

“It sure is.” The cashier had piped up with a faux sugary tone coating her voice, coming up behind him and trying to refrain from telling him to leave. “It’s expensive, as well.”

Harry had not even cast her a mere glance, continuing to admire the work of art before him. When he spoke up, his voice was distant, wistful, and somehow unconcerned at the reality check the lady was trying to implement. “How much?”

“Thirty-five thousand.”

There was a pause in the perfumed air and the employee almost smirked.

“I’ll take it.”

The worker then had blinked once, shocked into a stupefied silence. So shocked, in fact, that she can only comprehend this man’s words as some type of joke or prank. She had then reiterated.

“Thirty-five thousand up front, sir.”

Harry had then finally turned towards her to exchange stares for the first time, his thick brows pinched into an expression of unamused annoyance. “Yes, and I said I’ll take it. Is it not your job to do as the customer requests?”

“Yes, but—“

“Then ring me up, please and thank you.” He states with flat finality, fishing his wallet out of his back pocket. “And preferably now. I have somewhere to be.”

Harry can truly say that his favorite thing in the world— mortal, under, and godly— is the look on a person’s face when they realize Harry’s true stature. Not so much that he was a celestial being, but that he has a bank account that suggests he’s anything but your typical human.

Being the god of Death comes with its perks, including the title as god of riches and jewels since most of the rare gems lay beneath the ground, in Harry’s territory. Exchanging them for mortal money was not an issue at all.

Hades can’t help but scoff as the lady’s eyes had widened when his purchase went through, looking down at his debit card as if it had grown a hydra head. Her voice had come out tight and embarrassed. “Would you like your receipt?”

Harry had taken the hanger from her grasp, pushing his messy hair out of his eyes and cocking his head to the side mockingly. “I’m fine, thank you. Won’t be needing it.”

And that had landed him where he is now, strolling back and forth casually amongst Persephone’s most unique beds of floral and fauna, clad in his new outfit. It had fit him perfectly, as most things tended to do. It hugs his figure in all the right places, accentuating his strong shoulders and enthralling back muscles, tapering in at his waist and resting against his thick chest like it was tailored specifically to him.

As Y/N positions herself accordingly with the camera he had bought right after making the Gucci purchase, Harry decides that this suit will go down on his list of things that he loves to reside in. It’s a pretty small list: His palace, his crown, this look, and his wife.

Yeah, he definitely loves being inside all of those, some more than others. And especially all at the same time…but that’ll come after the photoshoot, if he has anything to do with it.

“Are you ready, darling?” Harry speaks up from his spot before a large tree with maroon leaves that sparkle like the stars.

“Yeah, get the goats ready!”

“Swell.” Harry sing-songs, bringing his diamond and gold ring-clad fingers to his lips and tucking his middle and thumb inside his mouth, releasing three quick spurts of whistles.

It takes a few moments, but then there is a faint shimmering in the air before him and a bright flash, from which three baby goats emerge, clobbering after one another, midway through a game of what appears to be tag.

“There you are, you little buggers.” Harry scoops up one of the magical goats— a silver one that shimmers exactly how the thread in his jacket does— settling it into the crook of his elbow and pressing a gentle kiss between its velvety ears. “Pan would kill me if I lost you guys. Threatened a reed pipe up my ass.”

The pearly goat looks up at him innocently with its big golden irises, releasing a curious bleat.

Harry doesn’t speak goat (it’s more of a nature god trait) so he just assumes the animal is praising him for his clothing taste and thanks it with a few scratches behind its tiny head.

Hades trails towards a certain rock formation that he thinks looks sturdy enough to sit on, the other two goats trailing behind him happily, hooves thudding giddily against the aromatic grass and stirring up the diamond sand beneath.

He sits down in his designated spot, scooting backwards until he’s fully balanced on the boulder, propping up one of his boots on a dip in the rock. “Perfect. Now I’ll just…”

Harry carefully takes one of the other baby goats into his big hand— a chocolate brown male whose horns are just beginning to bud, the keratin glinting with a certain iridescence that suggests the little guy isn’t just any ordinary farm animal.

He places the boy next to his lap, where the creature sniffs at his thigh hesitantly before deciding it is a worthy pillow. The goat folds its legs beneath its body, laying down nonchalantly and snuggling its head against Harry’s upper leg.

“You like the casual look, don’t you?” Harry coos, patting it lovingly, to which the lamb responds with a soft, satisfied bleat.

“Alright, two accounted for. Now, where’s your other sister…” Hades looks around, a small pinprick of panic knotting his stomach as he can’t seem to spot the last goat anywhere.

“Y/N, have you seen—“ Before he can finish his question, he gets his answer.

Persephone is sitting cross-legged on the ground a few feet away, the camera discarded carelessly beside her, replaced by the last animal that his friend had lent him. His wife is carrying the goat in her arms like a child, rocking it ever-so slightly as she kisses between its lilac-tinted eyes, giggling every time the goat blinks its long lashes.

Y/N rubs her fingers through the buck’s golden fur, tracing the spots of sparkly grey that are sprinkled in certain places. “Aren’t you just the prettiest girl? Yes, you are! And you smell so nice, too. Y’like lavender, huh? Me too.”

Harry can practically see the goat preening in Persephone’s arms, obvious from how she actively seeks out his wife’s palm and cradles her head into it, licking at her fingers.

“Babe!” He hates to interrupt, but they really should get to shooting. “Pan said we have to have them back by 8! We gotta hurry.”

“Right, right, sorry!” Y/N sets the baby animal down on the ground, pointing towards her husband and encouraging her to go over with its siblings.

When Hades finally has all of the lambs situated accordingly (he’d placed the last one beside his other thigh), Persephone begins flashing the photos.

He hasn’t modeled in a while— not since his last self-portrait, which was around sixty years or so ago when he was painted by his good friend, Pablo Picasso. That man really knew his angles. He visits him in Elysium every once in a while.

Harry tries to imitate what he’s seen in fashion shows on television and in episodes of America’s Next Top Model (those girls were fucking fierce, for Zeus’ sake), pouting his lips slightly and looking at different points in space to flex his best sides. He tilts his gold laurel crown back a bit, pushing his curls out of his face to get a cleaner picture, staring directly at the camera with his lips parted in a smize and it amuses him to no end when he sees the flowers next to Y/N’s feet grow a little bigger.

At one point, the goat in his arms reaches up and bops its nose against his chin in a kiss, the cold tip of its snout causing Harry’s face to scrunch up as a boyish giggle escapes the corners of his lips. “S’cold, stop it!”

Y/N’s heart nearly melts right out of her, then and there, as she clicks the scene as many times as the camera will allow.

The photos come out pretty decent and she’s surprised that there were so few she butchered (there was an incident where the camera wasn’t flashing and she turned it around to see if the lense was open and ended up getting a high definition image of her nostrils instead).

After all is said and done, Harry opens a portal into Olympus, herding the goats through by patting there behinds gently. “I’ll see you guys another time! Tell Pan thank you! And Acacia, please stop gnawing on your brother’s horns. Thank you.”

Hades swings an arm around Persephone, looking over her shoulder as she clicks through the photos, feeling his ego inflate a bit.

“I look good, don’t I?”

She doesn’t catch his smug tone immediately, too focused on tampering with the lighting on one of the pictures. “Yeah, you look great, honey.”

“Mm,” he presses his lips to her temple, puckering soft kisses along her skin and up the line of her eyebrow, “did this suit justice. Best thirty-five grand I’ve ever spent.”

Y/N pauses her actions, craning her neck to the side to look at him, her eyebrows shooting up in mild surprise. ”Thirty-five grand?”

Harry pouts childishly at her scolding tone. “Am I not allowed to splurge on myself every once in a while?”

“Of course you can. But that’s enough to buy a fucking car, Harry. And you spent it on a single tux?”

Hades looks down at the metal tips of his burgundy leather boots, eyelashes fluttering in an embarrassed manner. “I really wanted it, though!”

Persephone sighs, turning fully to press a peck to his plumped lips. “It’s alright, baby. As long as you’re happy, then.”

The edges of Harry’s lips tilt up into a sheepish grin. “I’m happy, yeah. Feel like a right king.”

“Good, cause you are.” She reaches up and drags the pad of her index finger down the curved bridge of his nose and along his jaw, using the single digit to guide his head upwards, where she locks their lips in a few quick, wet kisses. “My handsome lord.”

Harry’s tongue wonders out to lick at the corner of his mouth slyly, feeling the inside of his chest grow warm. “Love it when you call me your lord.”

“Yeah?” Persephone blinks up at him with hooded eyes, her own pretty lips tilting up into a suggestive grin. “Why’s that?”

Harry’s hands coast up here hips, fisting lightly at her dress as his voice drops an octave. “It’s so fuckin’ hot.”

“Fitting, since that’s exactly what you are.” Y/N murmurs, draping her arms over his hard shoulders, hands pressed across the expanse of his upper back, one holding the camera tightly while the other runs over the silky material of the suit coat.

And now is one of those moments Y/N had mentioned before, where she can see Harry’s narcissism starting to flare up.

It’s evident in the way he’s suckling his bottom lip, batting his eyelashes in a sultry, rhythmic pace that suggests lascivious intentions. In how his neck veins are flexing alluringly in an attempt to seduce. In how he tilts his head to the side a bit to draw his jaw taunt. In how a watery, verdurous glint washes across the whites of his eyes for a millisecond.

Y/N slides one hand up the back of his neck into the curls along the nape, tangling them between her fingers and tugging at them in a quick, rough manner that jets his chin upwards and pulls his throat tight over his Adam’s apple.

Harry releases a quiet hum at the harsh movement, basking in the way his scalp tingles and in the way the tendons underneath his jaw stretch. His mouth parts in a small, open-mouthed simper, dimples peeking through his cheeks.

“What was tha’ for?” He swallows thickly, not being able to hide it as his Adam’s Apple bobs heavily.

“Nothing, really. Just know you like it.” Y/N laps fully at the center of his juglar, blowing over it lightly. ”My lord.”

”Fucking hell.” Hades growls, ripping himself from her grasp and grabbing her hand almost savagely, yanking her towards the exit of the garden that heads directly to the palace.

Y/N scrambles along, barely being able to keep up with his long strides. She already knows the answer, but she asks anyways just to toy with her husband.

“Where are we going?”

“Don’t play fucking dumb with me, pet.” Harry throws a look over his shoulder, the corner of his mouth curling into a seductive sneer. “You know damn well where we’re going and what I’m gonna do to you.”

Y/N flutters her eyelashes at him innocently, her lips pouty. “What are we gonna do?”

“We’re gonna do another photoshoot. A nude edition.”

#hades!harry #drabble

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theoverworld · 7 years ago

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There Is No Such Thing As Area 51

There is no such thing as Area 51. Sorry! And the fact that it’s the golden egg of conspiracy theories worldwide is exactly what the US government wants. I’m writing this in a bit of a rush and I don’t have any of my thoughts organized, so I’m just going to break it down as follows:

Groom Lake / Paradise Ranch / Edwards AF Extension / Restricted Training Facility UX104

These are a few names for the place you know as Area 51. I don’t know much about its history, but essentially it was intended by the US Air Force to be a secret weapons-testing facility during the Cold War. It had a few on-site extensions; one of them was for developing experimental rocket and jet engines, one was for training contingents of troops for nuclear warfare and post-apocalyptic survival, etc. But much like the third Star Wars movie, the site and its purpose got out around the time of the Roswell incident, and a media frenzy popularized the base. The government tried at first to quell speculation about it, but then adopted another strategy: feed into the hype, and simply move the base a few dozen miles away.

Today, Groom Lake (Area 51) is a small but functional military airport and base. It’s got a bunch of bunkers mostly housing low-security servers, and some munitions tests are performed there. Staff are regularly moved in and out, mostly folks who are low on the totem pole and trying to climb up the ladder to the real facility. There are some very outdated nuclear fallout shelters that are still maintained and used for storage. The facility consumes an enormous amount of power, and everything possible is done to make it look like a well-guarded military base that is engaged in some huge, secret operations.

The employees really do fly there every day from Las Vegas on conspicuously inconspicuous jets marked as “JANET,” sometimes referred to as “Just Another Non-Existent Terminal.” And they want you to notice. And wonder. They want you to wonder where those jets are going.

And they never want you to spend one second thinking about where they came from.

The real “Area 51”

This is the most exciting part, because as far as I can tell in my limited and clandestine researching, nobody has ever divulged the real secret before. It’s pretty highly guarded, and they straight up murder people who are stupid enough to share it. Murder isn’t even the right word. They erase people from existence. Sometimes entire families. That’s why the government freaks out when they find that one of their employees is terminal and has nothing left to lose. It’s why if you’re an employee there, you only see their doctors, so that they know about your health before you even know about it. They want you to die real quick of a sudden heart attack, so that you never have a moment to think about how you might do a public service and air their dirty laundry. And sometimes they induce those heart attacks when they determine you to be an HMT, or “health-motivated threat.”

But I didn’t need to see a doctor to know that I am suffering from the same malignant tumor that killed my father: glioblastoma multiforme. Every three months we get a health evaluation, and every six months we get a CAT scan. I simply didn’t report the very damning symptoms this past eval, and I’ll probably be gone before they scan me next. I really wanted to do this instead. Maybe just to be the first, I guess. The only other thing I’ve ever done with my life is fix computers.

The real secret military base is McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas.

The history of the airport was always bound up in military involvement. Before and during WWII, the Army Corps of Engineers and the Air Force were building, storing, training, and doing all sorts of things there. Basically the government (and its corporate benefactors in the military-industrial complex, of course) acquired full ownership of the airport around the time Area 51/Groom Lake exploded in the public eye. It was a rush job, and a simple solution.

For all intents and purposes, McCarran is an airport. It moves civilians in and out and all over the world just like any other airport on earth, but its subterranean operations are really something else entirely.

First of all, you have to understand the structure of this military base.

Because it serves ostensibly as a business of public transportation, every single aspect of the base has dual functions. This is called “masking,” and it is deployed with remarkable effectiveness at McCarran. To name a few examples, the constant take-offs and landings of airplanes provides sound-camouflage for cutting-edge engine tests. The public completely ignores these sounds and dismiss them as the standard cacophony of airports. Some of the jets themselves are even equipped with technology under test, while others are used to transport hundreds of government employees dressed as vacationing civilians. At any given time in McCarran, up to six of the gates* (corrected by a reader; I initially said terminals) are filled with employees of the highest echelons of the US military and government. They sit around on their iPhones, dressed as college kids in their pajamas or weary businessmen. And they’re paid to look the part.

The entire base is heavily guarded by plainclothes soldiers. Military police, tactical specialists, counter-terrorism forces, and all kinds of soldiers scurry about the airport dressed like cops, airport security, and desk attendants. Their weapons are usually concealed sidearms; the real firepower is packed by the boys waiting around underground. Assault rifles and armor-piercing weaponry is stored around the airport’s public spaces in various places. It’s not hard to do, because nobody’s looking for it. And of course they hire a good number of civilians to work the TSA and other positions; this is called “mixing” and it’s necessary. What kind of airport would never post any job listings?

Have you ever watched the mechanics ducking in and out of the planes outside, or seen your luggage loaded onto the plane as you board? Well, all of that cargo transport activity acts as a cover for the mass movement of special forces, lab equipment, military hardware, exotic building materials, etc. It’s not hard to do. They drive one of those rigs by with all the luggage spilling out of it, and then you instinctively don’t question what’s on the other four rigs behind it. We even have mix-ups and spills occasionally, and nobody bats an eye.

You’re always exposed to some level of radiation while flying (and McCarran, by the way, is why the standard of safe exposure is set where it’s at), but excess radiation from weapons-testing is vented into the earth and out of the nearby desert. Having an airport to explain the radiation is an effective means of ridding the base of nosy folks with Geiger counters. But the true genius of this top-secret military installation is at the largest scale: the base was built under an airport because of the enormity of its power consumption. But it consumes a lot more power than a regular airport, so it was built in a city that consumes a tremendous amount of power – Las Vegas. So the base is hidden from view, even on the electric power grid. Area 51? Not so much. And that’s on purpose.

Inside the base

So if Area 51 is the distraction, what do we call the real one? It has many names, but it’s usually referred to as the “NEXUS.” That’s an acronym, but not many people know what it means. Not even me. Everything about the Nexus, from its operations to its structure, is compartmentalized. That means everything is need-to-know, and virtually nobody knows anything more than their own specific task. You could work in an office in the Nexus doing something like accounting, and never have one single clue what the woman next to you does. Or the guy down the hall. They say not even the President knows exactly what’s going on there, just a few generals and some dudes in the CIA.

The business culture here is insane. It’s like North Korea. Everyone is smiling, everyone is fine, and everyone is happy to say just a few phrases about what it is they do (when we’re allowed to socialize, which is not much). Every line is bugged, every room has a camera in it, and nobody knows who’s watching/listening or when. So that makes you think, nobody here is telling me the truth about anything. Not even the guy I share an office with. I wonder if any of us know why we are here. People you’ve worked with for a long time will suddenly get “reassigned” or have a “medical emergency” and you’ll never see them again. And nobody will remember that person, no matter how many people you ask.

I actually got hired to do some programming for the Navy when I was in my early 20’s out of college, and then got sent to Groom Lake to do server tests. They liked my IT/networking skills, so after a series of strange psychological tests and mountains of non-disclosure agreements and background searches, I got offered a job “at a facility near Las Vegas proper.” Here are a few stipulations of that job, by the way: It’s a $1,500,000 after-tax lump sum plus a $220,000/year stipend, housing/car/medical paid for – but psychological breakdowns, anxiety attacks, grave health conditions, and family issues void the contract. I also sign approximately 2 new non-disclosure agreements per week, most of which read “under penalty of death” somewhere. Employees aren’t allowed to leave the grounds for 5 years, and we all live underground. Term of service is 5 years, then 4 in debriefing, wherein we get to live in Vegas but report to another facility four days a week. We are discharged and observed for the rest of their lives. Our passports are permanently void; we cannot ever leave the continental US. I heard a statistic that 20% of former employees commit suicide. I don’t know if it’s true, but if it is, I bet it’s actually “suicide.”

The base is underground. It’s a network of large structures called hives, which form what is called the “Colony” or the “Nexus.” We make lots of Resident Evil jokes, by the way. Except unlike in that movie, the government doesn’t try to make its employees feel comfortable with fake forests and windows overlooking digital cityscapes. It is a dark, dreary, Soviet-style labyrinth of halls and bunkers, replete with all sorts of submarine-like features: water- and air-tight hatches, trap doors, reinforced blast doors, etc. The only exception are the office ‘buildings’ inside where chair-moisteners like me work. They look just like the office you work in. Except the men with guns standing guard 24-7 everywhere, looking over your shoulder. Oh, and the beautiful, almost surreal glow of the cutting-edge laboratories that pock the lower levels of each building. I’ve never been in them, but I’ve passed by a few times.

There are 4 hives to my knowledge (although I wouldn’t be surprised if there were more). I work in Hive 1. I run some of the servers with a few other guys on one particular floor (there are 16 floors in our hive), but we monitor and maintain all of the servers in Hive 1 so we move around a bit. I’ve gotten to skim some of the data that passes through, and from what I can tell, we’re the most boring hive. I’ve compiled the following list based on the things I’ve intercepted on our network and also from hearsay from other coworkers. The Nexus has multiple networks and they’re all decentralized, but there are some ways in which they communicate, and it is via those lines of communication that I am privy to some sensitive information. Here’s what I know:

Hive 1: finance, accounting, operations/organization divisions, troop training/housing, and some small-scale weapons testing.

Hive 2: Chemical engineering, some nano-tech research, and “advanced psychological fitness,” whatever that means, for elite military forces. Probably black-ops stuff and how to survive thirty years in solitary confinement at a Siberian prison. I also have reason to believe this is the hive where the bigwigs meet and live.

Hive 3: Upper levels = bioweapon and disease research/testing. If the government has zombies, they’ve got to be here. I’ve wanted to make so fucking many zombie jokes over the years, but I never know which of my coworkers is a rat. Lower levels = Advanced space-travel and space-warfare technologies. Particle engines and gravitational beams and the like (guessing, no real evidence). Science-fiction stuff. I once saw an email with all sorts of coded language, marked “A-B,” which is widely believed to refer to “astrobiology.” That’s alien life. Maybe it’s just some single-celled organisms or fossilized plants from some meteor, or maybe it’s something much more advanced. Whatever it is, there must be some reason it’s not on the upper levels with all the biologists.

Hive 4: Total informational blackout. There are encryptions and firewalls and network security features protecting this hive that I’ve never seen before, not even on top-secret Navy projects I worked in the past. I’m being very nonspecific in the language I use to describe our server clusters and networks because I don’t want to tell them exactly who I am. They’ll eventually find out anyway. But there’s a widely-whispered rumor about Hive 4: allegedly, the most terrifying thing in the world is in that structure on floor 15.

There are a few unusual things about Hive 4. First of all, none of the top brass has clearance to get in there. They access it remotely via video feed in their conference rooms, and materials are often transported from 4 to 2 for physical review. I don’t know why our bigwigs won’t go into 4, but maybe it’s because it’s too dangerous? There was one guy who worked in 4 a few years ago when I first started, and he caused the first Nexus-wide lockdown I’ve ever seen. He was being escorted through 1 thumpers (what we call the squads of black-booted soldiers that grant access to different hives), and he started shrieking about IDA’s. I didn’t hear his screams, but I heard the gunshot while I was eating lunch. They put a bullet in the back of his head before he could finish his sentence. IDA’s, by the way, are inter-dimensional anomalies. I have no further information on what those are.

Another thing I’ve read minimally about are “the twins.” I don’t know who or what these are, but they’re the “above-top-secret” gem of Hive 4. It is treasonous to even correspond about them on our secure networks unless you are cleared to do so, and only four employees are. I’ve only seen a few things about them. One was a medical record. No vitals, unusual vocalizations that manifest hallucinations and psychosis in nearby employees, and skin that produces violent nausea when touched. The document was basically speculation that the skin functions much like the Australian stinging tree or a jellyfish.

I read documents about people who worked with them as well. In 4, a woman was remanded to the psychological ward after being in the same room with them, and a soldier who stood outside of the laboratory where they are kept basically killed himself. Specifically, he peeked inside during a routine access, then began bashing his own brains out with the butt of a pistol while singing an Irish folksong. The woman who was remanded to psych was even weirder: during breakfast with her colleagues, she grabbed a fork, stood up, walked out of the mess hall, stripped all of her clothes off, blinded herself in both eyes, then somehow managed to make her way all the way up to Floor 1 where the access corridor to Hive 3 is located. How she managed to operate the dozens of keycard readers, passcode boxes, and retinal scanners is still under review. Last email regarding her was sent in 2012, about how she sits in the dark of solitary on Floor 11’s psych ward with a permanent and blissful grin on her face.

One of my colleagues whom I trust told me that he saw the twins once through hacked access to a video feed. He said they are woman-like, about twice as tall as a full-grown man, with unidentifiable black growths dangling from their heads (like hair but thicker), and they basically float a few inches off the ground and drag their toes lightly as they move. They’re utterly pale. He never saw the faces, but he claims that they appear to distort reality (or at least the video feed) in such a way that space looks bent around them. Perhaps these are the IDA’s that earlier dude was screaming about.

This is all I have for now. But hopefully the world knows the truth someday about what goes on down here. We are all basically prisoners. We have very limited and supervised access to the internet, so if you don’t hear from me again, assume they figured me out.

#conspiracy #area 51 #aliens #secret #nwo #Las Vegas #nevada #paranormal #Reddit #no sleep #creepy #spooky

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knockbeforeyouspeak · 7 years ago

Text

cavity cavity boom

tom hiddleston x reader this is for @justsomewritingprompts writing challenge (which you can find right here). the prompts i use are listed below:

scenarios: 12. Cold Night, No Heater

quote: 6. “I’m going to get a cavity because you’re so sweet."

items: 14. Blankets

summary: Tom and pick-up lines didn't happen together.

“I’m going to get a cavity, because you’re so sweet."

It was the dead at night. Like, really really dead. It was two freaking a.m. and the third day of you not being able to sleep before dawn. Which was, kind of a big deal considering a long-ass list of things you should get to finish in the morning. You have to wake up—that if you even be able to actually catch some beauty rest. You have to do some chores. You have to go to the store across the traffic. And this you-have-to list would lose its real value if you didn't announce the most important event real soon:

You have to bake gingerbreads.

Not only a jar, but several. About ten, if you remembered it right. You thought you were right. For God's sake, you never knew running a small business of making cakes during the holiday season could inflict such huge appeal. You even only had advertised it on your social media, through the Instagram story, because it's holiday and it meant having a break from work, and you were a very energetic person who couldn't stand still without doing anything. People said, "Grow your hobby! Turn it into business! Make money from it!" One time you were wisdom enough to put that inspiring life advice into the real world.

And then your very best friend ordered ten jars of gingerbreads. At D-minus-two Christmas. And you accepted it happily, mistaking the number 10 on her message for 2.

Incredibly dedicated. Ambitious. And, stupid. Why would one person order ten jars of gingerbreads anyway? Why? How could you do this to me? I thought we were friends???

But why not. Challenge accepted, buddy!

It was the dead at night. Like, really really dead. You were to start baking like superman—woman—in only few hours. You had been determined to blink your insomnia away, focusing on your breathing and the quietness surrounding you, trying hard to fall asleep. The last thing you could possibly need was a distraction in the form of Tom cracking a cheesy pick-up line.

And yet he did.

He literally did.

He just. Did.

A huge pause settled over. The kind of silence with a giant level of awkwardness, as if someone had shouted that he had been an alien all his life and finally got reunited with his beloved lost-for-centuries space ship. Okay, not the best analogy, but you've made your point.

You stared at the ceiling for a solid minute before turned your head aside. Tom was still as rock, his gaze glued to the ceiling. You couldn't tell what he was thinking, so you said, "... What?"

To be honest, your voice held a tinge of accusation in it.

Tom took it the wrong way. Insteaf of explaining what exactly he was talking about, he repeated his sentence for you. "I’m going to get a cavity, because you’re so sweet."

"... And I'm going to kick you off the bed, because you just made me cringe."

He blew a raspberry. You watched the corner of his eyes crinkled, and his wide grin wasn't for the ceiling anymore. He turned to face the inside of the bed, mouth half-opened as if to say something. It didn't happen because he bumped his nose against yours first thing. You made a small noise of protest. Not hurt, not at all, but he was so cloooooose from grazing over your right cheek. You had cut your cheek two days ago, the result of your (pointless, worthless, undefined, foolish) experiment with some multiblade cutting devices. It just so happened to slip from your fingers while you were distracted. Then of all it had chosen to jump straight for your face, specifically your cheek, leaving a thin, nice, beautiful, endearing cut and a trickle of blood dripping down your chin in the process.

You remembered that had been horrible. Like, hooooooorible. With a plenty of o's. Sure it had been hurt and stung and whatnot, but the most unnerving hadn't been the wound itself. It was the realization that you could have cut your ... other important body parts. Clue: the one that could see. Okay, eyes, right. YOU COULD'VE CUT YOUR EYES. THAT HAD BEEN SO CLOSE. A few inches upward and—okay, okay, let's just stop right here.

Realized of what he could've done, Tom froze. "Did I touch your wound?"

"No."

He let out a breath of relief. "Good. When you get hurt, I feel it too. That must because we share the same fate."

HOLY HELL THAT WAS ABSURD.

You were too speechless to respond. He said nothing further. Both Tom's and your gaze returned to the ceiling. You decided not to think much of his previous statement. Perhaps he was just drifting off to sleep. Repeat, perhaps he was thinking of some pick-up lines when he started drifting off to sleep. That's what people did, right? Mumbling something when they were sleepy enough. Nothing to worry about. Absolutely nothing. People thinking of such trivial things in such improper situation? Nothing wrong!

"Darling."

You blinked. "Yeah?"

"How about some sleep?"

"Exactly what I'm trying to get for the past three hours."

"Another sleepless night?"

You started to think Tom was sharing an equally restless night with you. Just like a couple sharing burdens together. Aww. How sweet. "I think so."

"Are you cold?"

You hadn't given it much thought, but come to think of it, tonight was cold. Really cold. Like, ginormous cold. You were wearing a long-sleeve along with a sweater. You stole Tom's beanie and in exchange gave him your favorite, super-warm, totally-comfy, woolly scarf. You had bought it two winters ago and it hadn't even lost a single strand. Well, it had to, considering the price you had to pay, otherwise you would lash out to the seller.

"It's cold."

That wasn't you. It was Tom answering his own question. But you had the same answer, so that didn't matter. Even a man as healthful and good-shaped as Tom couldn't take a better fight against the cold at this degree. He doubled his shirt. He put on a pair of socks. Your scarf wrapped tightly around his neck, making him look like a patient whose neck was broken. Quite amusing to see.

It didn't take long for you to declare that blanket is the most useful invention of all times. The invention in question itself was covering him and you up until your chin. You didn'tknow what you would have done in this current situation if someone hadn't invented blanket; best chance was turning on the heater, worst chance was freezing to death.

Cross that turning on the heater. The heater was currently out of order, which was the sole reason why Tom and you were forced to bundle up and lay on the bed a little too close than usual.

Man, this was cold.

You gestured to the blanket. "Yes, but not too much anymore though—”

"Because I can warm you up all fast."

... Okay. That's not sweet. At all. That's not breath-taking, let alone made your heart flutter. That was ... ironically brain-bending.

Tom must sense your dumbstruck stance because he laughed a little, poking your side it made you jerk slightly. "Oh, come on, don't think so hard."

You kicked his calf under the blanket with all strength you could muster in the middle of a dead night combined with the dropping temperature. You ended up only nudging. "You're aaaaawful."

"I'm not awful," Tom frowned disapprovingly. Only for a split second, because he continued with, "I'm your past, present, and future."

You're going to die. Very soon. You felt like you already saw the pure, white light at the end of the way. You're going to go to Hell and never came back. But if you managed quite hard, your wish might be granted by the Demon. You would come back and haunt Tom for the rest of his life. Perfect plan.

"Can I ask you a question?"

Tom propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at you. "Anything."

"What's with all the cheesy pick-up lines you suddenly come up with?"

He didn't even pause to form an answer. You got the feeling that he had this planned all along. "I'm just trying to lull you to sleep.”

You failed to see the correlation. You weren't one with the smartest and brightest mind, but somehow you were quite sure Tom had mistaken pick-up lines for lullaby. "Is that supposed to work?"

"If you let it to."

"How?"

"I'm ..." he glanced at his right to look for an answer. He decided to stick with, "I'm making a distraction.”

"Distraction."

"Uh huh."

You stared at him with your brain functioning hard. Here's what you said: "Okay, great, distraction."

Here's what you didn't say: "Those are the worst distraction ever. I was about to fall asleep because I finally finished counting the hundredth sheep. And a hundred sheeps wasn't a small number. They were enough to feed this whole block for weeks. Come to think of it, in all honesty, I haven't ever eaten sheep. Have you? But that's not the point. What I'm trying to say here is stop being flattery and sing a lullaby instead. That'll be more useful. Kind of. Or, actually just shut up and let me meditate in silence."

He noticed your death stare and chuckled. "Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I can't help but smile."

"Are you drunk?"

"No, I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you."

... Oh my God.

#tom hiddleston x reader #tom hiddleston imagine #tom hiddleston fanfiction #marvel imagines #imagines #i love pick-up lines not sorry #but im sorry the title sucks #it really sucks

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murderincrp · 7 years ago

Photo

PROFILE LOADED... 「SANA MINATOZAKI」「SPD」「TWENTY-ONE」

“Twenty-one-year-old FORENSIC DATA ANALYST. She works for the SEOUL POLICE DEPARTMENT.”

✘ THREAT LEVEL LOW. NO PRECAUTIONS NECESSARY...

WARNING: FAMILY DEATH, GUNS, TRAUMA, AGORAPHOBIA, ASSAULT

[ BACKGROUND... ]

Sana Minatozaki is not what one would picture as your average cop– but that’s because she isn’t. Well, not technically. You see, when Sana was 15 a hit was placed on her family. Her father was an investment banker who handled the accounts of some of Seoul’s most important people, but when the markets took a dip in the winter of 2010, those important people learned that her father wasn’t a particularly good investment banker. He had been once, of course. But then he’d gotten married, and three kids and a couple of mortgages changed all of that. Her father had been borrowing money against his client’s accounts to pay his own bills for years. What started out as a house payment here or there soon became money to fund a vacation abroad or to pay for his kids’ private schooling. One thing snowballed into another, and soon enough her father was drowning in debt that he could never dream of repaying before his clients discovered it missing. One of those clients didn’t take the news particularly well. His name was Park Seunghwan. He was rumored to have a heavy hand in the rising gang activity in Seoul, and Sana’s father was the man who lost him his fortune. No amount of groveling would appease Park. He wanted Sana’s family to pay for her father’s mistake in blood. And they did. A hitman snuck into their house late one night while the family slept. He started with Sana’s parents in their bedroom, disposing of them with a single gunshot to the head before they could even scramble from their bed. He wasn’t kind enough to kill them while they slept– Park Seunghwan wanted Sana’s father to see the bullet coming for him. When the hitman moved to her brother’s room to deal him the same fate, Sana’s older sister woke to the sound of the familiar creak of the floorboard down the hall. She must have sensed something was the matter though, because she quickly woke Sana from the bed beside hers and hurried her to the closet to hide. Still half asleep and half convinced her sister was pulling another prank on her, Sana went along without protest, content to tuck herself behind their heavy winter coats if it meant she could just go back to sleep. She didn’t notice her sister closing the closet door back, didn’t see her hurriedly making Sana’s bed before trying to crawl beneath her own as the sound of footsteps neared their room. Sana did hear the doorknob rattle. She heard the crash as the door was kicked in, startling her fully awake. She instinctively curled on herself behind the hanging clothes and held as still as she could, clamping a hand over her mouth to quiet the sounds of her breaths as the intruder began pacing around their room. The closet door kept her from watching as the man drug her sister out from beneath the bed kicking and screaming, but Sana’s imagined the moment over and over again with such clarity that she could swear she watched him anyways. She heard the hiss of the silenced bullet quieting her sister’s screams for good. She heard the fall of heavy boots as the hitman paced their room looking for Sana, heard them hesitate as he considered her hastily made bed. She heard those footsteps approach her hiding spot, each step quicker than the last, almost keeping time with her heartbeat. And then she heard the piercing wail of a siren rising from outside. A low swear and then those footsteps were retreating, faster than before until Sana had to strain to hear them at all. The intruder was gone just as quickly as he’d come, leaving no trace for the policeman to find him, only the bodies of his victims and the terrified teenager hiding in her bedroom closet to prove that he’d ever been there at all. The weeks that followed were a haze for Sana. She was too young, too overwhelmed and traumatized to handle the family affairs herself, and so her aunt flew in from Japan to manage the funeral arrangements. The police investigation was dead in the water. Thanks to her father’s shady business dealings, he had too many enemies for police to narrow down the suspect pool, and with no physical evidence left by the hitman their hands were tied. Her family’s deaths were quickly forgotten by the police and the rest of Seoul. As far as they were concerned, it was just another business deal gone sour. Her aunt offered to take Sana back to Japan with her to live. It would be a fresh start, a way for her to escape the horrors of Seoul and all the ghosts waiting for her at home. In Japan, Sana would be safe. In Japan, she could walk down the street without her face being recognized from the headlines. She wouldn’t be forced to live her life in the shadow of her father’s crimes. She wouldn’t be constantly hounded by guilt for being the only member of her family to make it out of that house alive. But Sana turned down her aunt’s offer. She returned to her empty home. Fast forward three years, and Sana had become your textbook agoraphobe. She never left her house, ordering supplies online and having them delivered to her doorstep whenever needed. She had her family’s life insurance policy to keep the bills paid and her belly full, but she lived sparingly, subsisting off of ramen and rice. The only thing that she invested real money in was her home security system. Never once in the three years since her family’s death did Sana forget that their killer was still out there somewhere. Thanks to all of the news coverage of their case, whoever had ordered the hit on her family would have known that the job hadn’t been finished, would know that there was a living and breathing loose end left to tie off. While the police had long since forgotten her case, Sana relived that night every time that she closed her eyes. She couldn’t forget. And she couldn’t sit there helpless and wait for the hitman to return and finish what he’d started, either. So she began to build a surveillance system. It started out modest. Her first purchase was a security camera that she carefully placed outside her front door (which had been quite an event, believe her). But then that single security camera multiplied until there was one at every entrance, ensuring that Sana had an eye on what was going on outside of her house at any given moment. That was when managing those cameras became tricky, and so she took to the internet to learn how to set up a more sophisticated security system. From that point on, Sana spent her time learning code. She had only the internet to keep her company and all the free time in the world to learn the ins and outs of different systems. Her surveillance system became more and more complex as her knowledge grew– soon, she had hacked the street cams of the roads nearby and looped them into her feed, giving her a constant eye on everything going on in the neighborhood. This became her window to the outside world. In the time since her family’s death, Sana kept herself isolated, never leaving the house or allowing visitors over (not that there was anyone left to visit). Her aunt still called her from time to time to check in, but she’d long ago given up any attempts to get Sana to come join her in Japan. The closest thing she had to human contact were the images on her surveillance screens. In time, she began making up stories for the familiar faces she saw on her monitors. There was Mrs. Kim, the ahjumma who moved into the house across the street from Sana’s, who walked to and from work every weekday like clockwork. She lived alone and had no pets that Sana had seen, but she liked to think that she had a Siamese cat that was just as aloof and perfect as his owner. Sana had named the Siamese Keo. And then there was Mr. Choi, the businessman who lived in the apartment complex a block over. He always wore the nicest suits when he was out and about and had a bluetooth headset permanently attached to his ear, which often made him look as if he were having a sort of epileptic fit as he marched down the sidewalk, arguing with someone on the other end of the call. Sana decided he was a lawyer, if only judging by his flashy clothes and the lavish apartment that he owned. A quick internet search had pulled up the property management’s website and the listings for that complex had made Sana choke on her ramen. However, the fact that he still walked to the metro stop three blocks over told her that he wasn’t quite as successful as he liked to appear. There was a noodle shop down the street owned by Mrs Jo. Sana had gotten brave and ordered takeout from there once, and Mrs Jo had delivered the noodles herself because her son had apparently gone home sick and left her to run the shop by herself. Their conversation couldn’t have lasted more than thirty seconds, but Sana felt as if they were the longest thirty seconds of her life, even with the ahjumma smiling at her so kindly as she fretted over the overgrown shrubs outside of Sana’s house. Though she’d never risked ordering takeout from the restaurant a second time (both because she couldn’t risk anyone recognizing her face and because she wanted to avoid another awkward conversation with the sweet woman), Sana had always had a soft spot for Mrs Jo after that encounter. Which is why when she saw the three men circling the woman’s shop on her CCTV, Sana felt her heart jump into her throat. Mrs Jo was still closing down her shop for the day when the three men showed up and began prowling around the noodle store. If their all black clothing and face masks hadn’t suggested that they were up to no good, then the bats they swung carelessly in their grips certainly spoke volumes. Sana panicked. She could feel her airway beginning to close up as the panic took hold. It was an all too familiar sensation– she’d struggled with panic attacks ever since the night that she lost her family, but she knew that she had to push through this one because Mrs Jo’s son was out on his final delivery and that left Mrs Jo at the store alone. A quick glance at the street cams outside of the shop confirmed that the ahjumma hadn’t noticed the three men prowling about and had instead stepped out back to carry a bag of trash to the bin. Hands shaking, Sana began to type, too choked by her own panic to think her actions through. Over the years she’d poked around on the SPD’s server from time to time to check in on her family’s case. It had been the ultimate test of her hacking skills to gain access to it, but once she did she was careful not to snoop around too much lest she trip a back entry alarm. Not this time, though. This time she wanted their attention. Using her remote access, Sana took control of the SPD’s network to broadcast the CCTV footage from the street cam outside of the noodle shop onto the computer screens of every monitor at the station. Her hands shook as her fingers flew across her keyboard, her cheeks damp with scared tears as her pulse hammered in her ears, but she pushed through it, sending the address of the restaurant to the station monitors at the same time as the men spotted Mrs Jo and began to circle her. She held her breath and covered her face with her hands, peeking through trembling fingers at her surveillance footage to watch as the men knocked Mrs Jo to the ground. Two of them shoved past her into the store, undoubtedly making a beeline for the cash register, while the third hovered over her and bounced his baseball bat against his palm. But then Sana spotted a cop car with its lights blaring speeding down the road a block over, and in moments it was screeching to a stop outside of the noodle shop. With a disbelieving sob, she could only watch as a pair of cops rolled out of the car, weapons drawn and quickly advancing on the store. She lost sight of one of the officers as he went inside the shop, but the other cop rounded the building and held the third robber at gunpoint, forcing him to scramble away from Mrs Jo as his bat fell to the ground unheeded. More cop cars began to crowd around the noodle shop as backup arrived. Soon, the three men were cuffed and loaded into the back of two of those cars, and Mrs Jo was taken inside to presumably give her statement while an EMT checked her over. Her son arrived shortly after the robbers were whisked away to the station. Sana watched as the man tripped over himself in his haste to reach his mother, the panic that had seized her chest so tightly finally beginning to ease. She’d done it. She’d helped Mrs Jo. Of course, there were consequences to her heroic act. The police were not quite as impressed with Sana’s heroics. In fact, they were rather upset about the whole hacking into their systems tidbit– especially when their cybercrime division found that it wasn’t the first time that Sana had poked around their network. She avoided actual criminal charges by the skin of her teeth, and only when she agreed to serve her penance by working for the SPD. Though they didn’t approve of her methods, they couldn’t deny that she was a skilled hacker, and since her criminal act had resulted in the apprehension of three gang bangers the SPD was willing to look the other way. For a price. At twenty-two years old, Sana has now been working for the Seoul Police Department as a forensic data analyst for three years. She still suffers from agoraphobia, but it is much more well-managed. She spends more time at the station now than she does at home, burying herself in work to keep busy, thriving on the purpose that she’s found working alongside the SPD.

[ BEHAVIOR... ]

Sana prefers to keep to herself. Upon first meeting, she’s rather withdrawn and comes across as painfully shy, but once she gets more comfortable with someone her personality begins to peek through. She’s snarky and sarcastic as a means of defense, but beneath all of that she actually has maintained a very naive worldview. Even after witnessing the horrors that she has, she still believes that people are inherently good.

#mi:accepted #mi:spd #sana minatozaki #twice #krp #sana

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specialdaygifts-blog · 6 years ago

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25 Christmas Gifts For Her

Your 101 Guide To Selecting The Outright Perfect Present For Her

Page 1 of 7 The AskMen Get group thoroughly researches & examines the very best gear,

services and staples for life. The majority of us can concur that Christmas is a lovely season. let's be honest: It can also be quite demanding. Especially when you think of all the household reunions and work festivities involved, the vacations tend to be frustrating and over-stimulating. Not to point out the difficult task of shopping for everyone who qualified for your Great list.

Whether you register for the pressure of purchasing gifts for everyone you've ever satisfied, it's hard not to catch the desire to please individuals you care about most. After all, it feels excellent to make another person happy with a thoughtful gift. Sadly, shopping during the holidays tends to draw all the enjoyable out of offering-- believe overcrowded stores, blinking lights, perpetual Christmas carols and endless lineups-- especially when you have to deal with buying last minute presents. The excellent news is, there's no reason you must need to handle any of that in 2016. Shopping online is now easier (and more enjoyable) than ever with competitive rates, doorstep-delivery and a way much better choice of items to selected from.

If this sounds like an intriguing option to you, you can rest easy understanding that there are people out there, like us, who've gotten a running start in finding the best presents for the special ladies in your life. Here, you'll discover whatever from designer watches, traditional scents, fascinating literature, apparel and more. Whether you're trying to find a gift for your sweetheart, your mom, your sister, or your crazy auntie from overseas, cheers to putting smiles on all their faces.

Polaroid Snap

Polaroid's most current spin on their timeless electronic camera is a great method for her to catch memories on Christmas early morning-- and beyond. The minimalist design is similar to all the Polaroid video cameras of yesteryear, while the 10-megapixel sensor provides striking film images. $99.99 at Amazon.com Morse Code"Love" Pendant Simple yet thoughtful, the Morse Code pendant from San Francisco-based artist Julia Szendrei is perfect for revealing her how much you care. The gems are interspaced with 14K Gold beads to spell "Love" in Morse Code, while the fragile gold chain takes the backseat. $39.98 at Huckberry.com MVMT "Santa Monica"See This is easily among the nicest look for her that we have actually seen in a while-- the increased gold contouring contrasts wonderfully with the dark dial and strap. It's basic. It's appealing. It's attractive-- the perfect gift for your sweetheart. And finest of all, she can match it with anything from the elusive little black dress to denims and a tee shirt to the Monday early morning power fit. $115.00 at MVMTWatches.com TOMS Wool Women's Classic Slip-Ons For the female who refuses to jeopardize on convenience, the traditional slip-ons from TOMS occur to be at the intersect of style and pure convenience. With added cushioning, a synthetic shearling lining and a warm wool upper, this shoe will quickly become her go-to for winter season, and beyond. $58.95 at Nordstrom.com Birchbox Sure, looking for women can be difficult, but that does not imply coming up with an unique gift idea is out of the concern. Birchbox is a subscription service that lets you present a month-to-month choice of charm samples, all tailored to her requirements and individual style (membership options vary from 3 to 12 months). And since Birchbox deals with a large range of brand names, from market leaders to up-and-comers, it makes sure to be a best suitable for everybody on your list. $30.00/ 3 months at Birchbox.com Fitbit Flex 2 There are a lot of physical fitness trackers on the marketplace nowadays, that makes finding the right one tricky, but Fitbit's Flex 2 is a solid option. It will let assist her track her activities and sleep, offer customized guidance and even silently wake her up in the morning (if and when she wants). If she's aiming to get inspired throughout her day-to-day, this might just help her along. Plus, the additional gold and silver devices allow her to track her actions-- even at more official occasions. $ 129.95 at Fitbit.com Kate Spade" Heart Of Gold" Bangle An easy gold bracelet can go a long method-- specifically one with secret messages inside. Fragile and elegant, the Kate Spade "heart of gold" bracelet will look excellent by itself, stacked with other bracelets or perhaps combined with an equally fragile watch. $ 32.00 at Amazon.com Lacoste L. 12.12 Idea Tote Bag If she's still lugging her Longchamp bag, it's time she met the Lacoste L. 12.12. This classic tote has all the makings of a perfect city bag-- it's lightweight, water resistant, roomy and effortlessly cool. If you have actually ever heard her grumble that she's ill of having the very same handbag as every other woman in the room but enjoys the lightweight benefit of a nylon carry, she will love this bag. Offered in almost every color-- from neon orange to fundamental khaki. Starting at $72.00 at Amazon.com Winc If she's the type to select white wines based upon food-and always appears to the party with a good bottle of red, then a subscription to Winc's tailored white wine club is the best vacation gift. Each present card includes a taste buds profile quiz that leads each member to white wines tailored to their palate. Pick a physical present card or send out one by means of email - in either case she'll get white wine sent out straight to her doorstep. Beginning at $50.00 at Winc.com Dogeared Pearls Of Love An easy and fragile classic is constantly a sure way of showing how much you look after her. The single freshwater pearl is a modern-day take on the timeless pearl pendant-- something she'll value for many years to come. $34.10 at Amazon.com UGG 'Scuffette II 'Slipper Relaxing and stylish, the Scuffette II by UGG will keep her toes toasty all winter season long. Whether she's vulnerable to getting cold in the chillier months or she similar to have some traction while she's lazing the house, the Scuffette will deliver. $84.95 at Nordstrom.com Cabin Pornography: Inspiration For Your Quiet Place Someplace No, it's not a book filled with provocative images set inside wooden country homes-- it's a curated coffee table book (influenced by the blog of the very same name) that showcases a few of the most beautiful homes in the world with guidance on how to developing your own little piece of quiet. $27.00 at Amazon.com MeUndies Sure, elegant lingerie may be great, however there's just something about exceptionally comfortable underclothing. Lucky for her, this L.A. based company offers softer-than-soft undies that are available in a huge variety of colors, designs, and designs. Whether your lady prefers cheeky briefs, boyshorts, or thongs, it's a breeze to pick the perfect set and have them delivered directly to her door. Plus, you'll get 20% off and complimentary shipping on your first order.

$16.00 (or $14 if you subscribe) at MeUndies.com HyperChiller To conserve her cash and time in the early mornings, assistance feed the misses out on caffeine dependency with this portable ice coffee machine. Put her a cup of French Roast to go and permit it one minute to chill prior to taking pleasure in flavorful cold brew. The reality that it can likewise double as a red wine chiller need to leave her swooning. $29.99 at Hyperchiller.com Not your typical piece of loungewear, The Dear Bowie bathrobe uses a modern-day take on standard boudoir fares. These 100% silk n

umbers feature a scalloped opening, oversized front pockets and all sort of spirited print. Skip the fleece onesie in favor of a little piece of high-end. Utilize the code ASKMEN for 10% off your purchase! Do not forget: It likewise includes free shipping and holiday present boxes are available.

Starting at $210.00 at DearBowie.com Mophie Power Reserve 1X While she might have heard about Mophie in the past, she likely hasn't seen the sleek brand-new mophie Power Reserve 1X. Boasting an 80% faster charge than previous models, the Power Reserve X1 includes an LED battery level sign so she'll constantly understand when it's due for a charge, plus it is available in a series of stylish colors-- from increased gold to matte black. $33.50 at Amazon.com Stabilizing Perfume Oil Handmade in LA, this roll-on perfume oil from Yoke is 100% plant-based and 100% remarkable. Motivated by Ayurvedic medication, Flow is planned to relax and relieve with notes of Turkish increased absolute, amber, sandalwood and ylang ylang. Wanderer, the second fragrance in the line, is betwitched with notes of lavender, sweet almond, marjoram, sandalwood, orange, vanilla bean, gotu kola, holy basil and turmeric. Not your normal designer fragrance-- however far better. $46.00 at BespokePost.com Cravings By Chrissy Teigen There's something about getting meal motivation from the shiny pages of a cookbook that simply does not compare to Pinterest. If Chrissy Teigen and John Legend are the ultimate in #couplegoals for her, she'll love browsing through Teigen's go-to recipes. Believe anything from all the time breakfast to fried chicken. $14.99 at Amazon.com L'Occitane Shea Butter Hand Cream L'Occitane's hand moisturizer is a beauty staple that she'll keep stashed in her carry bag-- specifically during the dry winter season. fast-absorbing formula promotes a healthy dosage of Shea Butter and other hydrating residential or commercial properties to deeply nurture skin in the toughest weather condition conditions. No oily traces. $29.00 at Amazon.com Trunk Club For the lady who enjoys to look terrific, but dislikes the trouble of going to the mall, Trunk Club is the answer she's been looking for. Trunk Club matches women with a personal stylist who hand picks clothes, shoes and accessories for her from leading brand names-- delivered right to her door for her to try out. Here's the finest part: if the design or fit isn't ideal, she can send them right back.

Source

http://askmen.com/entertainment/guy_gear_60/91_25-christmas-gifts-for-her.html

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tube-thoughts-blog · 7 years ago

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Vol. 13

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

--- "Studs":

*Personality matters little to these early 1990s bimbos on this dating game show

*They want a guy with a "wild side" (code for douchebag)

*One of their potential hunks is wearing dress shirt, tie, and shorts. 90s ensemble

*The women can't decide if the second hunk is a beefcake or a 6 foot tall bowling pin

*The guy in shorts is called a mix between John Wayne and a mime. John Wayne is nothing like a mime. Stoic, maybe. John Wayne would punch out a mime, if ever bothered by one.

*Shorts hunk dissed his date because he saw his hero Bobby Brown in an elevator

*Not much else to say about these bland dates between California girls and Midwest boys

close to 2 stars

----------------

--- Tori Amos on MTV's Loveline:

*After the bummer of hearing about Tori's abuse hotline, we have a Gen X'er call in tot alk about how his girlfriend accidentally ripped out his penis piercing and he's afraid to go to the doctor

*A guy, with his back to the camera while wearing an airbrush painted t-shirt that reads: "Boo Hoo!", has a problem with his girlfriend not wanting to look at him during oral sex. I can't see his face, but I don't even want to look at him, period.

*A guy, w/ a butt-cut hairstyle and a flannel shirt, is down cause his first love "dogged" him and broke his heart after taking his cherry. Now, he can't score with new chicks.

*Tori calls him a pussy. Not really, but, basically.

*We get a pierced nipples question via 90s internet video live feed

*A guy calls in with a weird obsession about bear feet. Oh, bare feet. Well, that's not too weird. Many weirdos have that.

*Tori thinks he should work at a shoe shop. It didn't work for Al Bundy. He hates women and their feet.

*Talk about how having kids is a cockblock to getting dates

*The set for LoveLine is very 90s with a coffee shop lounge feel and couches along with a big screen that's multiple screens attached together.

*Tori doesn't want her lover thinking about the girls on "Friends" while she's making love to them.

*Tori reminds me of a psycho chick who'd try to sacrifice a dove, for some weird symbolic reason, while she was in the throes of passion.

*A girl had two affairs. One of them with an "indivijiBILL" (what it sounded like she said). Now she don't know who da baby daddy. Call Maury, in a few years, he do dem dna baby daddy tests.

*LoveLine has a cappuccino bar on the set. It's for people who are ashamed of looking at another person when talking about sex. A sort of hipster confession booth.

*One guy is nervous about his girlfriend dressing up like Wonder Woman during sex

2 stars

----------------------

--- TV CARNAGE:

*Great Acting Is Great Acting, Especially With Titties: Do you wanna see my horribly disfigured chest or not?* 2 stars

*How To Commit Social Suicide: "Be expressive and let it rip." Air piano. Not flatulence.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

*Microwave Brain: Hasselhoff stresses over poodle poo.* 1 star

*Mighty Fine Man: It's a lust thang.* close to 2 stars

*Shoplifting Is Fun!: Johnny 5's cousin robot is a hood.* close to 2 1/2 stars

---------------

"Dance Party USA, 1980s NEW WAVE DANCING AND HAIR!" *In the 80s, cool kids did weird things like wear their shoes on their hands.* 2 1/2 stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Boy vs. Gasoline Volcano *The re-enactments on Rescue 911 & Unsolved Mysteries are perfect time capsules for thelate 1980s & early 1990s.* 2 1/2 stars

A Haunting: Phantom Room *"Instead of holy water, highly flammable liquid is used, and if it ignites, it's a sign that a spirit is present." Gee, I wonder if it will ignite... A junkie overdose is angry and needs to be evicted from a suburban garage. Destination America is supposed to be a postcard network for American life, I'm thinking. America, where ordinary life happenings can psych a family out so much their lives begin falling apart and they blame the results on the supernatural.* 2 stars

USA Saturday Nightmares: The Dummy (1982) *Ventriloquist dolls are creepy, but it's hard to consider them actually scary. That is unless they're sliding butcher knives underneath the bedroom door. This comes from an era of really good & inventive horror shorts.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Ripley's Believe It Or Not!: episode 2 (1985) *Surgeons remove two toes, from the feet of a Chinese man, fitting them as a makeshift pincer in place of a missing hand. Believe that.* 2 1/2 stars

"Wild Man of Navidad" (2007) *No country for old bigfoot. Some might see the wild man itself as undercooked, but the greasy hicksploitation sticks to the ribs better'n chicken fried steak & gravy.* close to 3 stars

X Files: Roland *From beyond a cryo-frozen genius controls his autistic twin to complete his groundbreaking scientific work.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Politically Correct Portraits: or "wrong side first" photos.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Bank Customers - Take A Running Jump: "If they told you to jump off a bridge" they being Bank of America and you being British or George Reeves Superman* 1 1/2 stars

*Pauly Shore Screws Up Another Vacation: MTV's The Weasel turns a pleasure cruise into a slave-ship passage for Laura Winslow & the mom from Family Matters.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Radio Shack Prayer Is Evil: For a decade or more it's been against their religion to have any customers and they also have a do not resuscitate order upon going out of business.* 2 1/2 stars

*Yard Sale Competitor: it's a cut throat business using a $5 "as is" weed-whacker.* 3 stars

---------------

--- USA Cartoon Express, Revisited:

*The Real Ghostbusters - Citizen Ghost: I forgot that the voice of Peter Venkman, on Ghostbusters, is likely the voice of Garfield on his cartoon. Which is funny because the live action characters are voiced by the same guy, too, as we all know.

*Commercial for Crocodile Mile slip n' slide.

*Old foggies stink in an Andy Warhold art style BubbleTape commercial. Those were great.

*In a cyberpunk future tween boys battle it out with a b.b. ammo board game shooter called "Crossfire." I remember plenty of show & tell days where Crossfire was the shit.

*I like the little march the Ghostbusters do during their ticker tape parade

*Kids can't cut loose in the supermarket or the museum, but they can in this Discovery Zone kids play park commercial. Soulless corporate slime-pit, McDonald's has replaced most of these. Now, miserable single moms take their poor brats there and change their dirty diapers on the same tables kids eat their McNuggets on. Fuck society and industry.

*Get a Bart Simpson squeek toy at Burger King

*Rappin' Lego-Maniac ad

*Mouse Trap, from Milton Bradley, where a cartoon alley cat shows up to present kids with one of the most contraption filled board games ever

*An awesome ad where Jesse the body Ventura sells WWF action figures. I wish grown men were still allowed to play with action figures

*Cadillacs & Dinosaurs - Rogue: I forgot about this well animated show with some adult sensibilities that also combines two really cool things. those being the title of the show.

*Cartoon Express where Mr. T. hangs out with the Grape Ape and Pac Man

*"Your gym teacher irons his underwear" adults are weird, chew BubbleTape

*Garfield fruit snacks. You could sell anything with a cartoon spokesman and kids who pitch a fit to their parents in the grocery store if they can't have it, once they see it.

*Shout & Shoot 2 water gun helmet. Voice activated water fights. I'm sure it didn't tear up after the first day. Water and electronics go together so well... I remember when having water fights, in the backyard, seemed so important that toy companies had to keep up with the arms race we kids were racing towards.

*Barney has built a fake time machine from the year 2000 and almost tricks Fred out of his Coco Pebbles. I preferred Fruity.

*One thing missing from watching these cartoons is a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, Lucky Charms, or Cap'n Crunch beside me on the living room floor.

*Marvel's X-Men, for the Sega Genesis, "Welcome to the Next Level."

*If kids ruled the world they'd play b'ball like Michael Jordan, their big brothers would suck up to them, they'd get a billion dollars & have a sports agent, and they'd always eat at McDonalds. "Duh!"

*"In A Minute" USA Network 1989 presents kids trying out tongue twisters like "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear..." I'm unlocking weird memories of things that I had forgotten like this cute little animated station break from USA that's somewhere in the long lost toy chest recess of my sad adult brain.

*Teenage Mutant Turtles - Enter the Rat King: If April O'Neil were real she would try to further her news career by exposing the Turtles to the world.

*Take a chill pill or stick anchioves in your ears, kids, instead of doing drugs. Partnership for a Drug Free America and stick figure drawn kids.

*2XL battery operated, cassette controlled "intelligent" 80s style robot from Tiger toy electronics. He makes Teddy Rupskin look like Neil Degrasse Tyson (whatever his name is)

*A kid with a bald spot and a beard is tired of stuffy adult dining places and demands to be taken to Chuck E. Cheese

*Dance Party USA, the weekday dance party on "America's favorite network, USA."

*The Dark Knight collection. A kid has every Batman gadget a kid could ask for and his own personal Batcave. I would have killed to have my own personal Batcave when I was 8

*"Tetris & batteries included" Gameboy. Cool teens hanging out in shop class, on the basketball court, everwhere playing their handheld Nintendo "Power to go."

*Captain N, The Game Master - Metroid Sweet Metroid: N, The Game Master is a character from Nintendo's past that they'd like to forget and not celebrate. Same with Lou Albano's version of Mario and the more goofy, talking version of Link from cartoons & CDi games.

*King Hippo's nipples, Eggplant's head, and Mother Brain's lips are all very obscene looking.

*Beetlejuice action figures. Those were some of the better, more weird toys.

*Call a 1 800 number to get a 60 minute vhs tape of Bigfoot monster truck action.

*Crest "Sparklemania" obviously is putting drugs in the toothpaste, because kids are freaking out and taking magical trips through the night sky with animated globs of Crest gel.

*'Milk does a body good' ad. You know the one where the kid grows up to be buff because he or she drank milk. I wonder if they show similar ones to young cows. "Yo, I'm a calf and I'm taking govt. provided hormones so that I can grow up to be a great-big dairy cow!" That was sort of a lame joke. Almost Carlos Mencia bad.

*The Cartoon Express travels away off into the distance to Bruce Springsteen's house. No, kidding. They kept mentioning that that's where it was heading.

3 stars for the Saturday Morning cartoons, 3 stars for the retro ads, and 3 stars for USA network's Cartoon Express bumpers

-----------------------------

The Greatest American Hero: Fire Man *Everyone's favorite marinara, on the show, Michael Pare, gets put put on a hot stove for a bum wrap. The main thing that doesn't hold up, about this episode, is the very dated fire special fx.* close to 3 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Arizona *Painted desert highways with a pistol & a singing Billy bass GPS by Gerhard's side.* 2 stars

--- Commander USA's Groovie Movies: Man with the Synthetic Brain

*From beneath a shopping mall in New Jersey, Commander USA. HA! Great location for a hero lair in the 1980s.

*The commander comes out in a trench coat, with his costume underneath. I like it. It's a sleazy way for a hero to dress. He's always smoking a cigar, too. Nice man's man touch.

*He's talking about those hopeful, yet melancholy days after the New Year is rung in. He explains how Auld Lang Syne means 'old long since' in Irish or old English.

*After the commander uses his kazoo to open up the psychotronic movie screen, we get to our flick

*This one stars an old school horror icon, John Carradine, & a Mickey Mouse Club teen from Swiss Family Robinson

*And the groovie movie is photographed in "Chill-O-Rama"

*I know the movie will ultimately be supbar, but I still get good feelings & goose pimple giddy, with nostalgia, watching these old basic cable & UHF B movie features

*A zombie(?) chokes out a hooker(?) & her pusher(?) in an alley. Her death face was so overacted & funny to look at.

*Mickey Mouse Club guy is the detective on the case of the zombie murders. He has gotten worse, actually, as an actor since his days riding ostriches & fighting pirates on tropical islands in Swiss Family Robinson.

*He's also a part of the Danny Bonaduche class of child actors who didn't age well. He looks like he's been through hell. This is the early to mid 70s & his Disney days were just in the 60s, maybe late 50s, I'm thinking. Wow.

*There's a cryptic letter & a head in a box (a killed detective's). I'm guessing this killer is a pre-cursor to the Zodiac & Kevin Spacey in SEVEN.

*"Get your hot roasted peanuts" as a candy striped apron wearing salesman proclaims on an early 20th century hazy memory of beach life on an eastern seaboard boardwalk in a Planters honey roasted peanuts ad.

*The coo coo bird builds a time machine to steal the kids CoCo Puffs. This is the second time machine related cereal theft by cartoon spokesman commercial that I've seen in 24 hrs

*Lee Press On Nails. In 18 colors. Don't nails just make life more difficult? Even if I were a crossdresser, I wouldn't wear nails.

*An 80s mallrat girl thinks her mom was wrong about her big earrings, but mom was right about something (nervous energy) StayFree Maxi Pads for those heavy flow days. Thanks, mom. Now, stop coming in to my room to stare at my Kip Winger poster. He's my man, bitch!

*"Exorcism at Midnight" on USA Saturday Nightmares (looks awesome) & ugly as a man Sandra Bernhardt on Alfred Hitchcock Presents (would still watch it).

*There's nothing to look forward to watching on Saturday night, anymore. Svengoolie, maybe, but he plays the same tame Universal horror & Hammer horror movies that we've all seen way too many times. His act is stale too, but he's likeable, I guess, if you're a babyboom viewer.

*Sophia Loren, her story, on the Nabisco family theater Sunday afternoon on USA. No thanks. I'd leave that to the early birds. I'd still be sleeping off my USA Saturday Nightmares.

*John Carradine is a doctor under suspicion because one patient that he was the coroner over, years earlier & called one of the first casualties of Vietnam, is up & walking around again, out there, killing. It's obvious that Carradine is a mad doctor, because he has a bubbling test tube, for odd unexplained reasons, but the detective hasn't seen enough low grade sci fi & horror to know this is an ominous sign.

*Why did action or fight scenes in the 60s/70s think that karate chops to the neck were believable knock out blows? It'd be more annoying than anything. Painful, sure, but not enough to put a man down. They just look so funny.

*Gloriously unselfaware Twix commercial with a street of kids breaking into a marching band parade over Twix. Much better than the Right Twix vs. Left Twix candy factory ads of today Too self aware like most modern ad companies. It makes the product even more unlikeable

*Square 80s ladies have a roundtable discussion about "So Fine" conditioning mist

*The effects designs, on the movie, are so low budget. The Frankenstein electric chair is made of chords attached to a silver construction worker's helmet.

*Commander USA pokes fun at the mad science hat contraption during his segment.

*Computer graphics medieval dystopia commercial ends with the freedom of the mind that is an exploding volcano & the Scientology best seller ‘Dianetics.’

*Shades wearing Bears QB, McMahon, thinks he's cool, but he's a crybaby when his hoagie doesn't have Miracle Whip mayo. A janitor hears his cries and throws a hail mary of mayo.

*Fergie, Letterman, Tom Cruise, Vanna White, Dr. Seuss, Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson wearing a Groucho Marx disguise. They're all the most interesting people of 1986 according to People Magazine. Such a more innocent time. Don't forget Crocodile Dundee, he was fascinating to 80s yuppies as well. Not a joke. He's also on the cover.

*The 80s had this hazy, maudlin, feel good vibe to even Dimetapp & Metamucil ads.

*Just a sleazy undead crook strangling slutty women in seedy hotels kinda Saturday afternoon movie for the kids, you know.

*Cheerios helps a white knight save a princess from a black knight in a musical ad. Uplifting. Cheerios ads are so depressing now & always about a middle age guy's health & cholesterol.

*Nothing says Mexican like white people singing about & eating Mexican Velveeta cheese.

*’Airwolf’ is high tech & kicks butt. this was already a popular rerun show here in the mid 80s.

*An overtanned blonde bimbo shows up from France saying she heard her father speak to her telepathically while she was in a voodoo sleep trance. Her father was John Carradine & he was just murdered by a zombie. She tells this to Mickey Mouse detective while he over-acts.

*Ah, there's another mad scientist who looks like a dimestore Vincent Price. I guess they couldn't get Vincent for the flick. He's the real villain.

*Commander USA noticed the bimbo & the zombie too.

*"It's hard to hide the kid inside." Talkin' 'bout Santa & his love for oreo cookies

*The honey nut Cheerios bee almost gets murdered by cowboy Black Bart. Just wait, Bee, soon with pesticides we'll make ye extinct.

*A kid pulls home a box of Tide detergent, for mom, through a picturesque 80s suburb. More of that 80s is just like the 50s, according to tv & advertising, theme of the 80s.

*70s thought that frantically playing a pipe organ & bongos meant great suspense music. It didn't & doesn't.

*Wacky 80s robots run on ENERGIZER "It Doo Run Run Run"

*This film can't make up its mind if it wants to be a detective tale, a zombie creeper, a serial killer slasher, a mad science flick, a voodoo or telepathy thriller, a heist / crime picture, or a hostages on the road movie.*

*Commander predicts, via crystal ball, that the Red Sox will almost win the 87 world series and that Vanna White will be nominated to the Supreme Court.

*Commander had his hand pal, Lefty, rammed down his tights during the most tense scene of the movie. A snowy chase through the mountains with killer in hot pursuit.

*Carefree panty liners for a fresher zebra striped bikini

*An aged Lorne Greene talks about Ron Reagan's cutbacks to medicare & how they're costing the sick & poor elderly thousands of dollars.

*Timelapse female zombie transformation with horrid makeup, but forgivable during the finale in the mad science lab.

*Her zombie voice is laughable & terrible. Why is she even talking? zombies don't talk, well, trioxin or Return of the Living Dead ones do, but whatever, Braiiiins... She doesn't say that, but I guess she had to act. Vanity, maybe. Idiotic script, more likely.

*We end with zombie lady crying & taking an antidote while zombie henchman dies licking goo off the floor. Mickey Mouse detective was too late to make any kind of difference.

*Commander USA closes things out by teasing Mickey Mouse cop about his poor acting.

close to 2 stars for the movie, close to 2 1/2 stars for the ads, & more than 2 1/2 stars for the commander

-------------------

Look Around You: Sport *Thank you for showing us your balls. Now try to get it in the hole.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Viper: Wheels of Fire *Crooked, corporate Bryan Cranston character. A revolutionary Tesla type battery with a deadly bidding war going on for it. A reclusive Howard Hughes industrialist/inventor. Long lost prototype Batmobile style car colored fire engine red. A creepy Albino hitman.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Manimal: Breath of the Dragon *Martial arts began by studying animals. Ancient man popped a National Geographic tape into his VCR to do so.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Robocop the series: Ghosts of War *A ragtag group of Universal Soldiers seek vengeance against an evil general who now works for O.C.P. They include a hobo wolfman, a black G.I. Joe (friend from Murphy's childhood), an Asian Joan of Arc, a Indian computer-wiz who dresses like Rick Moranis in Spaceballs. The show tries to force Punky Brewster into scenes, again. She's annoying & unnecessary.* 2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*Enhance Your Memory With Murderous Bloodlust: American Psycho Patrick Bateman has a poor poker face.* 3 stars

*Going For It!: Commies skateboard. So, like you want them to be more free than you, brah!? Didn't think so, dude.* close to 2 stars

*So You Moved To Paducah...: Only thing to do here is to visit the Quilters Society of America museum again & again & again.* 3 stars

*Rush Limbaugh Sure Is Funny: Comedy night at Jabba the Hutt's palace.* 1 star

*The Lil' Singing Demon Baby!: The spawn of Lucifer is a little boy version of Shirley Temple. Of course he would arrive on earth in Branson, Missouri.* 3 stars

-------------------------

Cannon group presents America 3000 (1986) *The one thing Road Warrior needed was Wonder Years style narration. I think the members of No Ma'am (Al Bundy's woman hating group) saw this movie instead of Mad Max: Fury Road. That's why they were so upset. Much more reverse sexism here.* 3 thousand stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Softball Hit *A little girl gets a head injury, has a seizure, then precious seconds tick away in the era before cell phones because I guess there were no payphones on this little league sports field. Youth sports injuries weren't taken as serious in this era either. It was the whole "Walk it off" time period. So maybe that's why 911 wasn't called sooner.* 2 stars

--- Memory Hole:

*Death Of Strength: Guillotine of greatness, in a garage, captured on camcorder.* 1 star

*See The Macaroni: String theory or unsatisfactory service.* 2 stars

*The Ballad Of Tony Jones: "Mommy, what does doomed mean?" It means what happens when you destroy your white trash girlfriend's ceiling after sitting your fat ass in her sex swing.* 3 stars

*Piglet: You reap what you sow (noun).* close to 3 stars

*Just Do It Adult Diaper: Is that a swoosh on your bottom or do you need changing?* close to 2 stars

----------------------

--- MTV's Oddville (1997?)

*MTV had to Gen-x up Beyond Vaudeville, from its public access days, & put a pretty co-host with Frank to take the attention away from his weird, silent (often violent) sidekick.

*Nancy Giles is a nice lady, but not the most interesting guest. She's like PBS news hosts. Respectable, but not entertaining. She thinks talking about how weird the sidekick is & being a fan of Howard Stern will get her over. She does an imitation of a cat choking on a hairball. That's odd enough, I guess.

*Mr. Stanless Steel is a meathead who lifts 600lbs slightly off the ground using only one finger. Impressive, yet also idiotic.

*"Mind over matter," he says as he squeezes an unopen can to smithereens. Mind, remember, not steroids. He rocks about the floor trying to look intimidating & deep.

*Very confusing Levis jeans commercial. It starts off with a cowboy hat wearing Gen X hip dude driving the desert listening to yodeling from Mars Attacks & Slim Whitman. He stops at a local western watering hole where a hipster black dude is a turntables mixing dj. He passes him a stuffed dinosaur before the black dude gets on a greyhound leaving town. Bus stops in the big city, but a new girl gets off holding the dino. A European model looks at her as she walks on. The model is ordering a hotdog from a vendor. What any of that had to do with jeans, other than the close ups of asses, is beyond me.

*Self aware commercial whore Dennis Miller is on a fake talk show ad interviewing the cgi M&Ms. Miller lost all his Hollywood street cred when he started hangin’ out on Fox News. He doesn’t give a shit about being a shitlib so he lost his Hollywood friends.

*Epic cgi ad for the Playstation classic Final Fantasy 7.

*Phil Hartman isn't murdered yet in this college class lecture ad about collect calls.

*The clerk at Footlocker is having a hard time believing that Joe Namath is making an NFL comeback in a nike ad

*It's Virtual Insanity, the music video, when Chris Rock hosts the Video Music Awards

*I think it was the one where Puff Daddy teamed with Sting to make an annoying, overplayed song even worse.

*"The world's fastest painter" comes out & does a Bob Ross quickie while rambling in a Polish accent.

*A black guy in black & yellow stripes, including his Dr. Seuss Hat, comes out to pop & lock dance to Salt & Pepa's "Push It"

*Igia hair removal system ad where the device damages your skin cells, but it's cool 'cause no more chin whiskers for mom

*Technology... multimedia... CD-Rom software games... "You need Art Institute."

*Not Carl Winslow, but close, says "Open a box. Any box." Make it a Blockbuster Night

*"Talk to the hand." quote & hand motion from slumming it actor Timothy Dalton in a movie with Fran Drescher. The days where the general public had to endure her are long gone. Not counting easily avoided reruns of The Nanny

*On an snowy special ops mission (I'm sure those happen often) "Be all that you can be" (including maimed or killed) in the Army (after that, who knows? possibly a homeless vet)

*"What is Mtn. Dew?" from this ad, I take it has something to do with a green drink that makes you scream hysterically while performing idiotic x-treme sports

*A small woman, with a shaved head, comes out doing yoga to industrial techno. Followed by very late & nervous applause.

*A little girl comes out blowing up a balloon using only her nose.

*A generic alternative rock band, like the countless others on MTV at the time, comes out to perform. They don't hold a candle to any of the weird musical acts from the Beyond Vaudeville days.

*Guests are having a dance party. This show is as edgy, or as interesting for that matter, as Snick's "All That" of the same time period. Lame, as Gen-X would say.

*Well, MTV took a quirky public access show & stripped all the life out of it to make it another corporate product.

1 star for the Odd, 1 1/2 stars for most of the ads (thanks to M&M's & Miller), between 1 1/2 & 2 stars for the guests

----------------------

"The Summer of Rave 1989" BBC *In Margaret Thatcher's England, a new era of hippies & yuppies collide.*

3 stars

"Lost Purity" (video mixtape) *Adjust the tracking on your squeam.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Life Is For Living: Safety first or kiss leisure goodbye.* 3 stars

*Michael Finney's Spencer Gifts Speech: Hack comedy & gag novelty.* close to 3 stars

*Silent Partners - Shoplifting: If you see somebody walk into your store, become overly suspicious.* 2 1/2 stars

*VCR Games: Make haste & pray constantly that you don't have a Klingon overlord or be forced to endure Rich Little's awful family fun night comedy.* 3 stars

*Uh-Huh!: Either the Kenny Loggins or the Ray Stevens of polite Christian pop comedy & a fan of wearing tan leotards while juggling foam balls.* 3 stars

------------------------

Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Accidental Hanging *Darwin Awards & wasting time dialing for help. Or hero boy with a hatchet.*

2 stars

A Haunting: Echoes of the Past *A New England family move into a historic Civil War era home. Soon they are bothered by faeries claiming to live in under a tree in the backyard who also claim to have died in a fire. The family are aided by a team of pretentious Wiccans in sending all the home's spirits to a magical place in the west called the "Summer Lands."* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Quebec, Canada *"Beaver fever, catch it." "Be patient." "My God, it's magnificent." (A platypus.)* 3 stars

Kingdom Hospital: Ep. 11 *Doctors without borders & tuned into a different frequency.* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: Hidden Memory *Espionage & clouded minds in a Nazi style experimentation lab. Followed by a Caesarean--section for a baby battleship. Farewell to a sweet-lipped deus ex machina (sorta deus...)* close to 3 stars

Forever Knight: False Witness *Sleazier than a white lie.* 2 1/2 stars

Penn & Teller - Bullshit!: Ghostbusters *Begin by having come to a conclusion that ghosts exists no matter what you find to prove different, soak the scene with sepia or nightvision, get out the pseudo scientific gear & have it activated with its nonsensical readings of supposed supernatural phenomena, & the bullshit has long since already began.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd on Black Friday *Great deals is gravy.* close to 3 stars

Classic Comedy Central: The Buttafuoco Song *I really really wish I never heard of...* either 1 star for Joey or 3 for Comedy Central

WCW Superstars on Politically Incorrect w/ Bill Maher (1999?) *A lot of aggression taken out in a discussion forum.* either 1 star or close to 2 stars

VH1 Classic Pop Up Video: Alanis Morissette - "You Learn" *The video took 23 hours to film in 10 degree weather. The video is 4 minutes long. Her hair (dreadlocks) took 5 hours to style. A number of jacket changes were used by Alanis in the video. The theme: who knows if any of us get any wiser during the average lifetime.* 2 1/2 stars w/ pop ups 2 stars w/out (I forgot how much I like her voice, pretty face & lyrics & easy to digest, for the most part, music. Mood & opinion on her music are subject to change. I have, in the past, wanted to poke my eyeballs & eardrums out when her "Ironic" video came on MTV for the 1000th time.)

Public Access TV: "Robin's Safe Sex Lesson - Dental Dam Use" *The setting is the height of the AIDS epidemic. Sexually active folk are still confused to the spread of disease & the practice of safe sex. A sex worker, possibly, has her ownlocal city tv show to inform them how to snip an ordinary condom into use for performing oral sex on a female so as to not spread infectious diseases. She almost is a trainwreck but not enough for any legit comedy, only curiosity.* 2 stars (3 for the info for the time)

"Sam Kinison - Family Entertainment Hour" *This might be comedy blasphemy, but Larry the Cable Guy is as popular as Sam Kinison was. Both have a similar rowdiness & offensiveness in the connect with their audience. Larry, however, has neither a spine nor a soul.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Literal Videos: Air Supply - Making Love Out of Nothing at All *"I don't want to seem them naked." I don't want to hear their soft rock.* 2 1/2 stars literal or 1 star actual

---- SCTV - Midnight Special:

*An all white (never seen before) scat singing choir conducted by Eugene Levy To see them live in concert, "Phone your nearest Republican." HA!

*Rick Moranis impersonates a cranky David Brinkley editorial.

*David Thomas & Catherine O'Hara are phone commercial lawyers (& possibly married lawyers) not helping an arguing married couple out very much in their disputes.

*Rick Moranis impersonates a radio dj becoming a video vj in this transitional time period between radio music & video music outlets.

*Followed by a Talking Heads video "Once in a Lifetime"

*A very politically incorrect (when you still could be before the p.c. police) & somewhat funny live feed from a Japanese parody vj

*Followed by a cool music video by hip & quirky Japanese band The Plastics. So, that does in a way cancel out the casual racism.

*SCTV starts the tech war between Japan & the U.S. in a funny skit.

*The real enemy, however, is Russian t.v. and Good Day Moscow

*Exploitation a plenty in a fake ad for a late night pajama party t.v. show on SCTV

*John Candy is the Hugh Hefner smoking jacket wearing host of the all girl pajama party Complete with creepy guy climbing in the window using a ladder. ha

*Candy tries to explain the show is empowering to women, but a prudish sexologist hijacks the feed to talk about how it's sexist.

*John Candy is back again, this time as a sportsman in an ammo ad. He sports a beard & hunts ducks. Hmmm... He remains likeable while other bearded duckhunters that I won't mention still remain hateable. Much focus is put on the cleavage of his buxom buddy that he's hunting with. She's female.

*A punk dyke delivery chick brings pizza & starts a catfight which the sexologist reveals is more of Candy's libido problems.

*Thankfully, the "menopausal" femi-nazi is interrupted by a male chauvinist fan of the pajama party.

*It's bedtime & Candy has to toss the old geezer, kicking & screaming, out the window.

*Al's Garage "Anytime At All." He has a naughty pinup calendar & he smokes cigars.

*Feminists have protest signs outside SCTV's studio & chase Candy to his limo

*Poindexter, investigative reporter (played by Eugene Levy) gets up close & a little too personal exploring singles bars.

*Monster Chiller Horror Theater with a howling Count Floyd

*The featured flick is Bloodsucking Monkeys from West Mifland, Pennsylvania

*Wink, wink. There's no movie. But Count promises that it was scary & describes it. It's just as good as Alien, he claims.

*Great White North wants to talk about Nasa's tools & beer, ay.

*SCTV has Hitchcock presents in late night. So, they're like MeTV or AntennaTV on current cable.

*A parody of Kirk Douglas in "Lust for Life" in the SCTV vault classic "Lust for Paint"

*Catherine O'Hara shows off some sexy cleavage & gets offered to be painted nude as she plays a bar beauty of the 19th century. The mom from Home Alone was sexy back in the day.

*Fish Police. An early reality show that's just as absurd as the 90s hit COPS.

*France was filled with great artists in the 19th century & possibly they were all gay according to SCTV

*Harold Raimis cameo as a waiter.

*Rick Moranis sells ridiculous logos.

*John Candy is an angry Babe Ruth in the wrong time period. Candy lost out on the role to Goodman years later. Not really, but really.

*Candy does a decent Hitchcock impersonation as well. Also Curly Howard.

3 stars

------------------------

"Let's Paint TV's Last Cable Access Show" 2008 *A weirdo in a dirty & disheveled business suit runs a treadmill while horribly painting, taking live prank calls, & talking to a Swedish barmaid mixing things up in a blender.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

--- TV Carnage:

*I Hate My Kids: Brats are birth control. The only time Fox News will ever be pro choice.* 2 stars

*Lurking Danger: The fish land right in the boat & land you right in the hospital. Tonight, in our Lurking Danger special report. This is CNN.* 2 stars

*Making The Grade: Solve my equation, again, & I'll slit your throat.* 2 1/2 stars

*Phonebooth Funnys!: Coed improv in tight spaces. It's not what you think, you pervert.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

*Reaching For The Light: Orgy of the first class.* 2 stars

-------------

Mystery Science Theater 3000 - K19: Hangar 18 *Having NASA accidentally cause a UFO to crash, in the desert, is "the best thing since sliced computer" only it hurts the UFO denying crooked President's chances for re-election & they'll need a shady coverup.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars w/ riffing & 2 w/out

"Ten Forward Crank Calls" *"Brain cells are sucked into a blackhole" & four letter words fly into the phone lines for a chubby Star Trek fan's Trekkie talk show.* 1 star

Beavis & Butthead: Sausage - Riddles Are Abound Tonight *"The Seminiferous Tube-loidial Buttnoids have left my pants" or "turds can see in the dark, like bats."* 2 1/2 stars w/ riff 2 w/out

--- Monstervision w/ Joe Bob Briggs: Wes Craven's Deadly Friend (1986):

*Joe Bob says this flick is the Breakfast Club version of Bride of Frankenstein

*Drive-In Totals... 6 dead bodies... 7 gallons blood (some spurting w/ 3 bloody noses)... exploding head.. head disguised as basketball... exploding robot... father charbroiling..gratuitous brain surgery... incest fu...

*Joe Bob wants to get biblical w/ Krisy Swanson but thinks better of it because of Alan Thicke

*You know that you're in for a horror funride when the first on screen creature (robot) attack is against a sleazy redneck

*80s robots were great. This one even sees in Sega CD vision. All pixelated.

*In my opinion, this flick is also like Zapped meets Frankenhooker

*It's a wacky neighborhood when the old bat from Throw Mama from the Train is a shotgun wielding crazy lady living behind a locked fence.

*A robot's first reaction to seeing douchebags on dirtbikes is to vice grip their testicles. Can we unleash robots on Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory?

*The schmaltzy TNT voiceover for drama guy lays the sap on thick for TNT's big network premier for Gilbert Grape.

*Rockapella sing us a Folgers "Best part of wakin' up" mornin' tune. I can't drink the coffee for the vomit in my mouth.

*Snuggles, the fabric softener bear, is taking a stroll through a forest filled with cute animals. Real animals. Snuggles is a nightmare creature created out of industrial chemicals & soulless corporate greed. He's unnatural. An abomination of cuddliness.

*Joe Bob hates cute robots, Star Trek conventions, & Little House on the Prairie.

*The "Stand your ground" law triumphs again & the robot menace is toasted, for now.

*Quirky "life is ugly, you betcha" comedy approaching horror Fargo on TNT is sponsored by SEARS & no irony is seen in that. I don't think, by TNT or SEARS.

*Sprint commercial featuring Fall scenery. This episode of Monstervision is late 90s. The late 90s had a real Autumn vibe to a lot of things. Dawson's Creek, Scream & I Know What You Did Last Summer, Marcy Playground's Sex & Candy, Duncan Sheik, Eagle Eye Cherry, GooGoo Dolls, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed, "Sunny Came Home," "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone," Jewel, Barenaked Ladies, Halloween H20... All of 'em & many more

*Firefighters prefer Yukon sport utility vehicles & the Energizer Bunny outruns a Hummer filled with a reject A-Team. Absurdity & the beginning of America's obsession with big ass family tanks that would dominate the roads post-2000

*Hope Floats on VHS. Turds float too. & the turd that is Hope Floats on VHS is out there floating around at plenty of 50 something year old women yardsales across the the cowboy states of America

*"Mom's like you choose Jiff" & dad's like Bob Villa choose tools from SEARS. Don't not be how corporate America assumes you to be. Buy these creamy peanut dips & wrenches

*Burt Reynolds must have been buddies w/ Ted Turner. Ted sure had his movies played alot on TBS & TNT. Burt was popular. No doubt. Burt even had alot of generic made for TNT movies in the late 90s. I can understand the demand for Smoky & the Bandit & others, but not the made for TNT shit.

*Jack Palance in a western version of A Christmas Carol. Another made for TNT movie. & Lifetime + Hallmark have made me hate made for tv Christmas movies, but how could you not like the idea of a forgotten Jack Palance Christmas flick?

*The parents from Happy Days are slumming in a collect calls commercial.

*Paul Hogan was still an action comedy hero in the late 90s. Only he was doing it in Subaru ads. This one he's in disguise / drag wearing the mask of a woman. Unintentionally creepy.

*Essence of Emeril... Emeril Live... I'll never get the fascination w/ over the top food chefs & their tv shows.

*Grace Jones in an ad for TBS Superstation's 15 nights of Bond movies. I guess she was easy to get being a D-list celebrity & all after the 80s.

*Paul Reiser is in a bookstore explaining internet for new users / dummies using AT&T Worldnet. At least it's not an ad for America Online.

*Joe Bob says TNT censors won't allow exploding heads by basketball decapitation because idiots in Florida will try it & congress will go crazy.

*Hendrix has only one burning desire. Let him stand next to your Pontiac Sunfire. He doesn't really want to do that. He's dead, like Kristy Swanson, in this Monstervision movie. But in this soulless & artsy Pontiac commercial where yuppies are escaping a cityscape dystopia in their Sunfire, listening to Hendrix, he does.

*NFL moms of big, mean linebackers sure are funny. Thanks, Campbell's chunk soups ads for making me endure the meaty veggie soupy sacky mommy comedy.

*There's a "Bob Fest" in Colorado every year, where all Bobs in the world can attend. Bob Dole will be there. Bring your Pentax film camera.

*"Relax, Go Nuts" with Planters & a wacky beaver on a camping trip. I hope some idiot saw this & lost a finger or two trying to feed a Planters peanut to a beaver or a badger.

*"Rowdy" Roddy Piper is on the set of Burt's old guy cop action made for TNT tv movie. He's talking about the need for aspirin on the set, for the old guys, in this sneak peek.

*Joe Bob wants to know why Kristy Swanson is looking more supermodel than zombie

*The shoot first ask questions later cops put an end to cyborg/undead Kristy Swanson's reign of terror.

2 1/2 stars for the confused flick close to 3 for Joe Bob & between 1 1/2 & 2 for TNT & their ads

--------------------------

Classic Comedy Central: Penn Jillette promotes Earth Girls Are Easy *He makes it seem like it wouldn't be a waste of an afternoon.* close to 3 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Cyclone" 1987 *Everyone's favorite genre movie mad scientist, Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator), was working on a super-motorcycle more high tech than an F-16 jet. When he's assassinated, on a punk rock dance floor, via a tech conspiracy, his 80s blonde bombshell girlfriend has to take over safeguarding the project from falling into the wrong hands. The whole thing drips with so much 80s goodness, one would swear it was a modern day homage.* close to 3 stars

Flaccid Ego Psychic Reading Call In Show *"This is not a bodega, honey." There's a correlation between how far someone's head is tilted back as they're talking & the amount of shit that they give. The further back, the less shit given.* either zero or 2 1/2 stars (for a second)

"Amok Assault Video" *"An open keyhole policy" to mass hypnosis & mass halitosis.* close to 3 stars

Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Brave Dog vs. Rattlesnake *The dog, Lady, was a terrible actress during the re-enactments. She did well during the fight with the snake, but she broke character & smiled too much during the vet E.R. part .She needs to take acting lessons from Shatner.*

2 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Self Helpless *There's a sucker "re-born" every minute.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd Goes Tea Bagging *"We're a little Tea Party, short & stout, when we get all steamed up hear us shout 'No more taxes, get the immigrant out!'"* 2 1/2 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Tenants From Hell - Striking Oil: Crude & deluded.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Carlito the Perverted Janitor - Bank Customers: Good loan agents love to kiss & tell.* 2 1/2 stars

*Home Security - Hidden Cameras: I don't want home security watching over me while I pee.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Homeowners Association - Naked People: Old, black couples don't have sex. Yeah, right.* 2 1/2 stars

---------------------

Goth Public Access Channel (youtube) *"It's no fun being dead. Enough has been said." So why the morbid fixation?*

1 star

--- USA Up All Night w/ Rhonda Shear: Jason Takes Manhattan & Fortress of Amerikkka

*Rhonda is in an S&M shop with a gimp.

*Louis Gossett Jr. is an Olympic coach in a USA original movie. He's not the first actor that I would think of for a role like that. But maybe he's the most badass.

*Painful rectal burning? Admit you have it & get Preparation H. Doctors' orders.

*Trading erotic voicemails with "Girls of Paradise" seems like a one way street. A horny moron calls in a 1 800 number to nervously drool over his love for T & A, the voice model makes only one recording for any & every guy who calls in.

*Go back in time to when you weren't old & too feeble to open the mayo jar. If you believe that & buy our pain relieving cream, we also have ocean front property in [insert cliche dry state here]

*Couch fishin for loose change to buy extra Pop Tarts. Not me, the guy in the Kellogg's ad

*Pacific Blue, USA networks lame bicycle beach cops show from the late 90s. They recognize how boring being a beach cop must be, so they spice it up with a special west coast loco gangbangers episode.

*Big Easy. A sleazy, but probably all too tame show about New Orleans on USA network. Can't think of original programming? Exploit a city's reputation.

*Rhonda has an oversized spiked dog collar put on a poindexter

*Win a Nintendo 64 block party (sounds like it could have been fun) via Kellogg's & Kmart

*A kid in a "No Fear" t-shirt visits his square dad's Rent-A-Center style store in an ad

*Don't talk to your kids about the dangers of sniffing to get high, & wind up feeding soup to your newly vegetable loved one. I always preferred that trippy drowning anti-sniffing ad from the same time period.

*"Had a hard day?" "Talk to some of the most exotic women in the world." the world = Tampa, Florida. Some of the most exotic = ordinary skanks.

*What does chomping into a Nestle's Crunch sound like? This ad swears it sounds like a pink Cadillac convertible, filled with lightbulbs, falling off of a tall building. I think Elvis just cried. Not sure which he cried for: the pink Cadillac or the candy bar.

*Private eye James Belushi is following around split personality Linda Blair who hired him to follow herself around. Looks sleazy & potentially good.

*Rhonda dons kinky boots, leather, & a gay man's biker's hat in a black & white moving photo hanging on the wall. Sounded like maybe Velvet Underground was playing in the background as well.

*It's okay to be like your mom. You're closer to 40 than 20 & it has a sickly brown colored candy coating. Oh, what am I talking about, you ask, it's Advil.

*If you ever see a whitebread goodlooking man or woman sitting on a New England beach or pier during a windy day, do not approach. They may look harmless, but they're usually filming an embarrassing human condition commercial.

*Diamond studded sex handcuffs. Nice. But why is Rhonda being so camera shy? Was she burntout with the show by this point, five or six years into its run.

*Bill Cosby's former tv wife, the one that he doesn't cheat on by serving PM cold medicine to ugly white women, is in an argument with her much better looking & non-raping actual husband about Pop-Secret popcorn.

*Cable in the classroom provides a parent's guide to the information superhighway that is cable tv

*"Someone out there knows what I'm going through." somewhere out there in psychic phone network mystery world that is

*Bonkers for Babies! & Animal Bloopers on Zoo Life Video. Jack Hanna (the animal guy from Carson, Leno, Letterman) believes that "Animals Do Feel Love." They also have a funny bone, and it's used for more than just Chinese medicine.

*Zipper crotches on leather lingerie wearing limbless & headless mannequins & more Rhonda voice-over work

*Archie Bunker's real life son died from drugs. Maybe he should have spent more time with him instead of arguing with Meathead.

*Rhonda finally makes an on camera appearance with poindexter in the adult video section of the sex shoppe

*"Virtual reality bites" have a Butterfinger Blast. Blood sugar induced hallucinations?

* 1 800 number for a TimeLife coffee table book on "how To fix" home remodeling & repairs. For only 3 easy payments of 9.99. Pretty steep if you think in 20tens terms & how easy it is to just go online & find the same info, but this is 1996 or 7, here, in the ad.

*Going back in time from 97 to 92, Rhonda is at the WBF World Fitness Expo doing a bit of cute jogging in place.

*Rhonda sings the theme song from Fortress of Amerikkka.

*Rhonda tells fat jokes about Roseanne. Roseanne probably hated Rhonda. Tom Arnold probably loved her.

*Rhonda flirts with a WBF bodybuilder / foreign accent guy whose thighs are bigger than Rhonda's waist

*Rhonda gets the bodybuilding champ to take off his shirt. He probably was having a panic attack just by wearing it anyway. Meatheads & shirts don't get along.

*Rhonda's hormones are out of whack here & the bodybuilders' steroid use as well.

*An Amazon chick shows up to tell how this fitness expo ain't no beauty pageant

*A mullet-haired meathead talks about bringing rock & roll fire into his bodybuilding expo routine. Thankfully, rock & roll died a long time before this. It's just corpse abuse.

*Rhonda tries to find out how much moolah an 80s-RickJames-pimp-looking black Hercules has won from the competition. He pulls out a check from his fanny pack. Fanny packs are very manly.

*World's Strongest Samoan pauses from picking up sedans to lift Rhonda up into the air by her butt

*Troma presents Fortress of Amerikkka!: In the cruel absurdity of Amerikkka, human life is worthless.

2 stars for the sex shoppe, 2 stars for the ads, 1 star for the body building expo, 2 1/2 stars for Rhonda, either 1 or close to 2 1/2 stars for Jason 8 (for the countless time on basic cable & mostly bloodless), & more than 2 1/2 stars for Amerikkka!

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Troma presents "Lust For Freedom" *Troma tries their hand at the exploitation genre staple of women in a private prison hell. Highlights include a big mean looking Indian with a scarred face that drives around a black van across the desert & kidnaps women for the prison. He's like something out of a Jim Morrison song & he looks like the creepy brother of Bob from Twin Peaks. Another trashy fun part of the movie involves prison lady badasses in wrestling matches to the death. Plus there's an 80s hard rock soundtrack including the song "Rock You To Hell."* 3 stars

Beavis & Butthead: Sugartooth - Sold My Fortune *The boys mistake the word fortune for futon, and ponder why selling a futon would cause so many fights at the Sugartooth concert. Also, Beavis is intimidated by Urkel's size.* close to 3 stars with riffing 2 w/out

Kung Fu: Sun & Cloud Shadow *The path of peace is blocked by a mountain.* close to 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn: Place Of Dead Roads *The last stop before hell is a cafe, belonging to a cartel, serving plenty of coochie.* 2 1/2 stars

Public Access TV Gold - Don't You Want To Save Our Planet? *Fast Times Sean Penn look-a-like is for real about his love for his fellow parasite man. Vocal solo.* 3 stars

--- Dead Comics Society --- Commercial Breaks (1991):

*McHale's Navy every weeknight at 5 on the Comedy Channel. In color too. Antenna tv or MeTV shows this too, but in black & white.

*An ad for Billy Crystal's City Slickers. One of comedy's own was a blockbuster star still at this point.

*Coast bar soap ad where a "Thinking Man" bronze statue takes a refreshing bath in the rain.

*As seen on tv "No More Runs" panty hose w/ smart nylon. Run a nail file or a chainsaw right down the leg. Do not attempt while wearing, ladies

*Plenty of Stand Up comedy back in the day on comedy channels. Robin Williams, Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Poundstone, Howie Mandel, Carlin, pretty much all of the recognizable faces. And not just a weekend special like Comedy Central, these days. Stand up comedy was pretty much the face of the network.

*Jack Benny is creeped out by a kid wearing an ole timey clown mask. He's speechless, or once. Another show too old for current Comedy Central. One day Southpark will be on a TVLand type network & kids will get a weird feeling seeing how antique it looks. Much like seeing this clip of Jack Benny would make Comedy Central's current audience feel.

*KC Bold is like fireworks in one's mouth. It's important to always see the inventor of the baked beans or the bbq sauce or the George Foreman grill to know that the product / meal will be satisfactory. Did George actually invent that sidways waffle iron & grease trough?

*Devry with their 9 locations, in 1991, will teach you the tech knowledge that you need to succeed. Having a neatly trimmed little mustache is up to you.

*Ah, hah hah! The classic & unintentionally funny Suzanne Summers "Thigh Master" ad. She is so smiley while squeezing her crotch muscles. & just like the "Shake Weight," seeing a guy use it is just as amusingly awkward.

*Two Drink Minimum. A self aware title for another all stand up comedy show on the network. This one only has B to C list comics like 'The Amazing Jonathan"

*Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" w/ such guests as the eccentric Steven Wright. We're too post-modern for something like this now. Inside the comedy mind? How lame, turn it on Louis CK's FX show or bring up a FunnyOrDie video. Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" is no Zack Galifianakis' "Between Two Ferns." #hastag #hipster

*A middle America housewife is tired of having tried every diet from the "celebrity" to the "grapefruit." Her doctor finally puts her on some Medifast diet (we know it worked because obesity was cured & Medifast is currently the largest corporate brand of all time). She makes up for the weight loss by wearing oversized glasses & a lady business suit with shoulderpads larger than a NFL linebacker's.

*One of those classic scrolling certificate degrees from home ads. Learn everything from "gun repair" (only in America) or vcr repair (hopefully whoever took that is retired by now & not jobless).

*Short Attention Span Theater hosted by a very young Jon Stewart. This was before talking to cabinet secretaries & skewering political mishaps, for close to two decades, sucked all the life out of him.

*The very vintage Steve Allen Show weekdays on the Comedy Channel. Another show that deserves to still be on a classic channel somewhere. This clip had one of the first tv appearances of Elvis. How many viewers of current culture even care about or know whoElvis is, much less Steve Allen? Very few.

more than 2 1/2 stars

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"V The Hot One" ---xxx--- (1977) *An example of how the fantasy in pornography is so different from reality: Valerie "V" asks her husband if he's ever been with a whore. (she's curious about whores) He says that he was with many when he was younger. (He then tells a digusting experience.) She's even more curious. (In reality the woman would be furious or detested with him.) Here, Valerie has spent a lifetime giving in to her whorish impulses.* 2 1/2(maybe classic)

"Tickle the Ivories w/ Janis Wolfe (Bad Public Access Show) *A very plain (& refreshingly un-self-aware) woman plays piano & reads psalms.* 1 star

"Topless Anti-Fashion" (DDTV San Francisco Public Access 1995) *A Lil' Kim look-a-like exposes painted nipples in what seems like a real life version of something Damon Wayans would parody on In Living Color.* 2 stars

Jake Byrd: Sara Palin Superfan (2008) *Bend over & grab your Arab ankles (Hussein Obama) or love Alaskan beaver (Palin Power).* 3 stars

Mr. Plinkett's Cop Dog Review *Put a dog on the cover of the dvd & dumb parents will rent it for their kids. Even though the dog commits suicide halfway in & becomes a ghost dog.* 0 for Cop Dog & 3 for Plinkett

"Best of The New Tom Green Show" (2003) *Short lived talk show that captured the same kind of crappy hip young adult audience NBC's Jimmy Fallon would a decade later. Also another attempt by MTV to tame & market a cult & avant garde artist (idiot?) to the American public (about as successful as his first MTV show in 1999 & his box office bomb of a movie "Freddy Got Fingered" 2001?).* 2 stars

Robin Williams - Improv with The Second City *Robin could improve any "hellhole."* close to 2 1/2 (would be more if it were recorded professionally instead of by an audience member, in the back row, with a cheap camcorder)

"Satarded Satanic Panic" (youtube) *Before she became a high priestess in the corporate church of the global economy, Oprah bought in to the goofy fearmongering going on in the Reagan years. Either a nutbag or a decoy evangelical pretending to be a reformed participant in a unbelievably ridiculous occult sacrifice story has Oprah taking his side over the more logical minded, yet still pretentious within his constitutional religious rights, devil-worshipper.* 1 star

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Alien Abductions & End of the World *These crazies are actual doctors & best selling authors. Meanwhile, I'm not prepping for doomsday & I have no repressed memories of being probed. On top of that, I'm flat broke & live off of a diet of mostly beans while hardly leaving my house. I'm not paranoid, just lazy & unmotivated. I'd rather not survive an apocalypse or fly away w/ little green men.* 3 stars

Weird Al Yankovic: Headline News *Tru Al TV presents World's Dumbest Musical (Criminals).* close to 3 stars

Uncharted Zone: Ken Manning - Gulf Breeze UFO *Lookin' for a lost shaker of Martian salt.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

5 Dollar Wrestling: Next 5 Dollar Wrestling Superstar, Jimmy the Snake Roberts *DDT stands for "drop dead twice."* close to 3 stars

Vh1 Classic Pop Up Video: Latoya Jackson - Heart Don't Lie *The black sheep of the Jacksons in a video all about puppy love.* close to 2 stars w/ pop ups & 1/2 a star w/out

"Pauly's Totally Buff Special" *MTV's "The Weasel" Pauly Shore butchers the English/Spanish/human language drooling the international language of love (lust) over California bimbos.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars (for an idiot time capsule)

"Alien Lust" ---xxx--- 1985 *"A story of bizarro desires!" Nothing too out of this world, except for maybe the corny cartoon alien penis monster sex scene finale.* close to 2 stars or mostly 1/2 a star

X Files: The Erlenmeyer Flask *The hybrids fall from Olympus. The finale of the "Deep Throat" story arc.*

3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Collection Completed *Grumpy bulldog M. Emmett Walsh begins his retirement by outcrazying his animal hoarding, eccentric wife when he uses taxidermy on all her beloved pets.* 3 stars

Harvey Keitel in "Corrupt" *"The public seek the police in order to be punished for their illicit desires." Johnny Rotten & Harvey make a cerebral odd couple.* close to 3 stars

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