#this whole experience has been an exercise in trying to force my autistic and OCD brain into accepting that grey areas exist

[inthewind-inthewater]

Yes!

It’s so interesting, because the more I grapple with my own gender identity and possibility being trans, the more comfortable with my femininity I become.

I definitely went through an overcompensating, hyper-femme “I’m a WOMAN who only like WOMEN” phase as well, and I’ve oscillated between being hostile to femininity and secretly wanting to embrace it, while also simultaneously feeling the same way about masculinity?

and while I’m relatively sure my sexuality is mostly still just that, I’m trying to be finally open to having a different gender identity and exploring what that can look like but it feels like none of this makes any sense! none of what I feel and think aligns with each other, it can change on the day, it can change based on whether or not I’m feeling brave or vulnerable or anything at all

but I think this has allowed me to separate my sex from my gender. Being female doesn’t really have to dictate anything about my gender, and neither does my gender expression, or my mannerisms, or what others want or expect from me.

I just know, wherever I go or end up, that I want it to be a place of self-acceptance.

I never would have guessed being on T would make me feel peace with my femininity

I first came out as gender fluid & then realized I was more trans. And started using primarily he/him pronouns & changing my name & realizing I wanted to medically transition.

I still was non-binary in that I don’t think anything in life can be binary.

But lately- the past few weeks on T. I’ve felt like so much love and embrace towards my femininity.

Like before I came out. I was hella overcompensating and I was like- I am a woman who only loves women. I hate all men- they’re monsters. Like super entrenched in gender essentialism that was just rampant in the art history world.

And my relationship with femininity was almost hostile & very defensive.

And allowing myself to come out & face what I was afraid of admitting & slowly start to experiment with letting myself love masculinity.

And t has been pretty great overall. I am super worried about hair loss which has kind of overshadowed some of the things I like with T

But I’m most surprised that I feel like this love of being afab- but not in like a way that I have to prove it to anyone. It’s just within me.

& it’s made me really feel and love that being trans is just this expansive experience that just builds and changes and grows. The whole point of it is the journey, and letting myself feel all the contradictory and complex feelings. Instead of assigning rules to them.

Anyway. Didn’t expect that to happen