#this weekend (sunday and monday) was so nice and did such a good job uplifting my mental state. then today happens

[oo-li]

[welcometoerinsworld]

This one is definitely going to be more than 5 minutes.

HOW LIFE IS GOING:

Things are going okay. Got a bit behind on my homework and had to finish it up today, which sucks, but it didn’t take too long.

It’s been three weeks since I last did an update cuz things have been all sorts of crazy, so there are three weeks of things to update on. Where to start. lol. So, last update I wrote about how I reconnected with a friend from high school, Josh. We’ve stayed in contact and message pretty much all day every day. I would say he’s part of the reason I didn’t get all my homework done before Sunday this last week. haha. It’s fun talking to him. He makes me laugh a lot and we support each other. He’s going through a lot of post-divorce drama with his ex, so we talk about that a lot. I complain about work and school and needing back massages, so it evens out.

In other news, there was some crazy stuff. I can’t remember if I’ve written about this on here before, but last summer I found a lump in my breast and had to have some testing done. They did bilateral mammograms (ow) and an ultrasound. Results came back as cysts that eventually went down in size to where I couldn’t feel them anymore. Well, a few weeks ago the lump came back bigger and had constant pain along with it. Went back to the doctor a few days after my last post and was scheduled for another round of testing at the hospital. This last Friday I had my appointment. This time they did a mammogram on just the one side and two ultrasounds. I have several more cysts, but they don’t know which one is causing the pain, so they can’t do anything about it since there are so many and they’re all fairly small. The doctor said it would be trial and error on removing the fluid from each cyst to figure out which one is being mean and that it would just fill up again over. She said if I get a large enough cyst that they can pinpoint that particular one as causing pain, they can surgically remove it, but until then they’re not going to do anything. Some days I can feel it hurting without touching it, but other days I have to poke around before it hurts. It’s a little stressful on the days I can feel the pain all day long, but at least it’s not unbearably painful. It’s mostly like a bruise someone keeps pressing on, not like pain where I’m going to fall over and cry, so at least there’s that.

WHAT I LOVED ABOUT THE LAST (three) WEEKs:

My favorite thing about three weeks ago was getting to babysit Holly’s kids. I love watching those kids. They’re all really great and so much fun. The boys (3 and 4) set up a little blockade so Emma (1) couldn’t get down the hall and she just walked back and forth in front of it all confused. It was the cutest thing ever.

My favorite thing about two weeks ago was meeting up with Josh in Winnemucca and getting to finally see him after 17 years (!). More about that below.

My favorite thing about this past week was after my testing at the hospital, Josh arranged to have flowers delivered to my apartment. He said he wanted to make sure I had something uplifting in case I received bad news at my appointment since he couldn’t be here with me. It was so incredibly sweet of him to do that and I really appreciated it.

Another nice thing about this last week is that a surprise little package arrived in the mail yesterday. Someone sent me some pretty daffodil jewelry. No clue who it’s from, but it’s lovely. Thank you, whoever you are.

WHAT I DID THIS WEEKEND and the weekend before that and the weekend before that:

This weekend has been uneventful. I’ve mostly done homework, prepared my lesson for church, and went to a friend’s house to check out her Lipsense stock. Ended up buying a few and am so excited about them. I’ve never been a girly girl (Josh keeps calling me that, though), so it’s so weird for me to buy expensive makeup (thank goodness she was running a special). But I love it and I love how it looks. My favorite is the super sparkly gloss. lol. It’s just so shiny and sparkly and pretty. I want to wear it every day. Maybe I am a closet girly girl and never realized it. lol.

These are photos of me wearing my new bright red lipstick with and without the sparkly gloss.

Without sparkly gloss

With sparkly gloss

Sooooo, for last weekend. Josh was supposed to come visit me on the 17th, but that didn’t work out, so I spent that Friday out at the coast, driving around looking at all the pretty viewpoints I passed and checking out fun eateries. It was fun and relaxing and just so nice. I loved being able to just explore at my own pace and not have to worry about homework or work or anything other than having a good time. It was really nice. Here are a few photos from my little excursion. None of them are edited, sorry. I’m too tired to process them right now. I’ll do a full post about the coast once school is out and I have time to sit down and edit photos.

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Friday night, though, things got crazy. Josh and I started joking about meeting halfway and then it turned into a serious conversation about where we could meet up. We both decided to pray and sleep on it at the very last second Saturday morning we decided to meet up in Winnemucca and spend 24 hours together. Yeah, we totally drove a billion and a half miles to meet up for a day. lol. He drove about 7.5 hours and I drove 8.25 hours. It was crazy, but also fun. I panicked a little just before we were supposed to meet up (he decided to drive up and meet me along the highway to drive back together) and pulled off at a chain-up area. He found me and we hung out there for a while, walking around and talking. It was nice. Then we drove the rest of the way to Winnemucca, had dinner, checked into our separate hotel rooms, and hung out some more. He helped me finish up some homework I still had to do and we just chilled. It was nice and relaxing and very low-key.

The next morning, he knocked on my hotel door at the crack of dawn cuz (and I loosely quote) he was “so excited to see me and couldn’t stay in his own room any longer.” I was still asleep and gave him a minor stink-eye. haha. We chatted for a bit before he went back to his hotel room (or walked around, I have no idea) so I could shower and get ready. When he came back, he showed me a few self-defense things before we headed out to find breakfast and then somewhere to walk/hike/hang out. We ended up at some sand dunes where he read part of a conference talk and then we listened to another one by Elder Uchtdorf. Then it was back to walking around, goofing off, talking a lot, and self-defense before lunch and then driving our separate ways. It was definitely a whirlwind weekend, but it was worth it. Except for the part where I almost ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere, but that’s beside the point. Josh is pretty awesome. Weird as anything on this planet, but a really great guy.

Two weekends ago was the 12th and 13th. That would have been mine and Troy’s 6-year anniversary. It was weird to realize I would have been with him for 6 years, but it didn’t make me as sad as I thought it would. I miss the fun we had together and the comfort of our relationship, but I know us parting ways was for the best. We messaged a little that day to talk about how we’re glad we have the memories of all our adventures, which was nice, but it was just a short 5-minute thing. He’s never been much for long conversations. I miss his quirks, but I’m okay with how things are now.

WHAT I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO:

School being over. lol. Seriously. It just needs to be over. I’m so done with school. This is the start of Week 9 and finals are in Week 11, so I’m almost there! Last final is due June 12th, so it’s just barely over two weeks away. I’m kinda wondering if I should take the 12th off so I can do finals, but if it works out like all my other terms, I’ll just have a bunch of timed tests that I can do on Monday and then Tuesday afternoon. Let’s all cross our fingers for that, k?

PLANS FOR THE UPCOMING WEEK:

Ugh. This week. lol. This upcoming week is turning into a giant mound of stress and it’s just barely starting. So, Tuesday I have to attend a 5.5 hour training at work after my morning session with Kid 2. That means I’ll hardly have any time to get homework done. I know this training is important, so I’m going to go and hope for the best. It’s ABM training (advanced behavioral modification) that will teach me how to handle when Kid 2 bites me, hits me, kicks me, and when other kids throw stuff. Anyone remember when I had a chair thrown at me a few weeks ago? Sheesh. The training will also go over getting out of various choke holds, how to handle hair pulling, ways to lift and move kids who are in behaviors, and some other things. I’m super nervous about it, but hopefully it will help me become better at my job.

Other stuff for this week are homework (duh), babysitting Holly’s kids (hooray!), and the possibility of Josh coming to visit. He’s going to try, but there are a lot of things going on for him at the moment, so it may not work out. I’m going to do my best to get all my homework done early in the week so I can hang out with him if he is able to come out. Sooooooooooooo, yeah. This week is gonna be crazy. Bring it on.

WHAT I’M NERVOUS ABOUT:

Homework, finals, and this dang term project I need to get working on. I have to analyze a supply chain and I haven’t started it yet. From what I’ve read on the class boards, several other classmates have yet to start, either. Not too great for any of us since there are only two weeks left in the term. I think this project is due on the 10th, so there are literally two weeks left to get it done. I’d better get crackin on it.

WHAT I’VE BEEN DAYDREAMING ABOUT:

Not having to do homework anymore. Cuddling. Romantic walks on the beach. Getting this dang knot in my neck dealt with. lol.

HOW SCHOOL IS GOING:

School is going okay. I finally got my grades put into my excel sheet, so I can begin calculating how poorly I can do on my remaining assignments and still pass. haha. This is where I stand currently with all graded assignments.

This is what I’ve calculated to keep my A’s:

And this is what I’ve calculated to pass each class with a B:

I do this every term around the end cuz I get so burned out and just want it all to be over. Normally I keep a running tally earlier in the term, but I haven’t had time to do it until now. Well, I didn’t really have the time to do it now, but I wanted to see how badly I could do and still pass. haha. I think I’ll do okay this term. Pretty sure I’ll end up with two B’s and maybe two A’s, but we’ll see. I need to get this project started for MGT 322 so I don’t entirely bomb it. But it looks like I can get 50% on it and still pass the class, so there is that.

HOW WORK IS GOING:

Things have been going okay with work. Coworker drama picked back up for a few days and I issued a solid cease and desist message on the work messaging program. Dude started texting me again, was trying to be all flirty at work, and decided it was okay to touch me at work (just my arm, nothing like what made me mad), so I sent him a clearly worded message stating none of that was okay and that it needs to stop. Made me nervous to send it, but aside from a dumb text telling me he didn’t do half of that and giving me crap for some other stuff, it has stopped again. Hopefully that all stays stopped this time.

Other than that, things are going well with Kid 2. Their family is moving soon and the house is packed up, so Kid 2 is having additional behavior problems. I’ve been bitten quite hard a few times and there has been an emergence of other new behaviors, such as licking (me, walls, chairs, toys, etc), spitting food/juice on people (so far it’s just been Kayla), and hitting. Well, I guess Kid 2 has hit before, but it’s been a long time. And kicking. Those two are rare when I work with Kid 2. Mostly it’s sitting on the floor and refusing to move (until I invade space and slowly shuffle Kid 2 along the floor) or yelling no repeatedly or pushing. We’re all working through it, though, and there seems to be progress.

I’m still pretty sad about Kid 2 moving soon. Not sure when it will be, but their house is packed up and one of the parents already has a job in the new town, so it will be soon. Hopefully not too soon, though.

HOW RUNNING IS GOING:

It’s not. My foot has been giving me troubles, so I’ve been walking sporadically over the last few weeks. Driving for so long that one weekend did something to strain my foot, so I’ve been taking it easy the last couple weeks.

WHAT BOOK I’M READING:

Yeah, I haven’t read anything in the book I wrote about in my last post, but I did read a couple chapters in The Count of Monte Cristo a few days ago. Needed a break from homework, so I read for a little while. I love that book. As cliché as it sounds, the book is so much better than the movie in 1,000 different ways. I still need to remake that video talking about the differences. Someday I will.

GOALS FOR THIS WEEK:

Reached some of my goals, but not all of them. That’s okay, though. None of these really have a deadline, so I’ll just keep these the same as before.

Fitness

Slowly increase walking pace while maintaining a distance of at least 3.1 miles

Start doing weights or resistance exercises

Do 5 regular push ups

School

Get a little ahead with homework (haha)

Work

Do better at managing Kid 2’s new behaviors

Personal

Read at least one chapter of a non-school book

Religious

Be more consistent at reading my scriptures

Read one conference talk a week

HOW I DID ON LAST WEEK’S GOALS:

Fitness

Slowly increase walking pace while maintaining a distance of at least 3.1 miles

Kinda did this, kinda didn’t. I maintained my distance, but didn’t increase my pace at all. I actually went much slower with my pace. Oh well. At least I have my distance down.

Start doing weights or resistance exercises

So, yeah, about this one. lol. I meant to do this, but life got in the way. I’ll do this at least once this week.

School

Get a little ahead with homework

I swear, every time I get a little bit ahead, life blows up and I go right back to barely keeping up. Hopefully this week will be better. 16 more days and the term is over.

Work

Get Kid 2 to the bathroom more often

I’ve actually been doing really well at this! Hooray! lol. I’ve been getting Kid 2 to the bathroom probably every 40-60 minutes, which is better than the 60-90 minutes it was before. Kid 2 doesn’t fight going into the bathroom anymore, which is helpful. Some days I’m able to hit every 30 minutes (aside from the preschool hour), which makes me happy. Still not getting every 15 minutes, but I kinda feel like that is unrealistic in a place that has as many kids as we do and just one kid bathroom.

Personal

Read at least one chapter of a non-school book

Yes! I did this! Hooray!

Religious

Be more consistent at reading my scriptures

Yeah, I’ve been struggling with this one again. I need to get back into my routine. The thing I liked about working 8-12 M-F was that I had a routine every day and a set time every day to read my scriptures. Since I only work 3 days a week now, I struggle to maintain a routine. I listen to my scriptures while getting ready for work, but on days I don’t work it tends to slip through the cracks. I will do better, though. Ooooh! I’m going to set an alarm on my phone. That will probably help.

Read one conference talk a week

I feel like this one is kind of a cheat since I read multiple conference talks to prepare my lessons. But since I don’t teach every week anymore, I’ll have to make an effort to read the weeks I don’t have a lesson to prepare for. I have done this each week, though, so hooray! lol

ISSUES/PROBLEMS/CONCERNS:

Just about having enough time this week to get all the things done that I need to. This is going to be a rough week time-wise, so I need to go to bed so I can get up early and start getting stuff done.

WHAT ELSE IS NEW:

Nothing I’m writing on here. haha.

So, I guess that’s everything. Hope everyone has a wonderful week!

5 Minute Life Update 5/27/18 This one is definitely going to be more than 5 minutes. HOW LIFE IS GOING: Things are going okay.

[yearinthejournal-blog]

January 7th

2008

Life is glorious! This past week has been one of the best in my life simply because of the changes that have occurred in me.

I went to the Rexburg Temple open house on Tuesday. It was so wonderful. The temple is beautiful and  big and I feel such a peace being there. I am so excited to one day go through to get my endowments. I do have to say that my favorite part was the sealing room - a couple kneels across from each other on an altar and are sealed together for time and all eternity. Oh I just can’t fathom the intense joy I will have when I get to kneel across from the man I love to marry him. The only sad part was as I looked around, I realized I was the only one there without a family. I was all by myself. But I am proud to be a member of this church of Jesus Christ and I hope I can be “a light on the hill” for my family to see. I hope the changes in me testify of the truthfulness of this Gospel. I know that if my dad were to soften his heart and be willing to act upon whatever answer he received, if he prayed to know what the truth is, he would find it. Our Father in Heaven loves us so much and wants desperately to have us with Him again one day. Through the Atonement of Christ, we can come to have the great purpose and happiness in our life that God intends for us.

The rest of the week, not much happened. I helped Jamie around the house and with Lyla. I moved in on Saturday. The first step I took into my new home bought feelings I can barely describe. I really feel like this is a home - a home I can take care of, take refuge in, feel safe. A place I love coming back to. I had the greatest time just putting all my kitchen stuff away and decorating my room. One of my new roommates, Heather, is so sweet and nice. She seems like such a faithful innocent girl and I’m so thankful to be living with her. The other one, Megan, I haven’t met yet.

Church on Sunday was fantastic - I learned so much and my ward is excellent! The bishopric is amazing and the people seem so nice. I had dinner with Charlene, and I got to video chat with Ron, which was so nice. We had scripture study together and discussed what we learned. I miss him so much. He is doing okay. He had to take a break from talking to me for a while, but I think our friendship will last.

Today was Charlene’s birthday! Jackie and I made breakfast for her and to get her over here, Jackie called her and told her there was a fire! Which wasn’t a lie because we had lit a candle. Charlene came bounding over and when she got inside, we started singing happy birthday! Oh it was so great. Charlene and I ran some errands then made cookies and popcorn balls for our relief society and some apartments in somerset. Then we pulled an FHE together which ended with a surprise party for Charlene and Oliver and we played games.

I have learned so much and changed so much already. From reading about Emma Smith, I desire to be valiant like she was. I checked out some books about her - the one I’m reading right now is called “Emma’s Glory and Sacrifice.” It is so good. That woman went through so much and never did it grudgingly, never complained, never got angry. She was “never found wanting.” I have received so much strength from her story that I find myself much the same way - after all, my life is no where near what hers was. But I have stopped complaining and have not allowed myself to think my life is difficult. I feel more inclined to impart of my substance.

But I have learned two wonderful things. I did not eat much this past week because I felt bad at Jamie’s eating her food. So by the time fast Sunday rolled around, I simply was too weak to fast. I learned that fasting is not enough; I need to prepare to fast.

Also, Jackie taught an amazing lesson in RS that helped me a lot. And I know this is because she had the Spirit so strong with her. It just struck me how important it is to always have the Spirit with us, not just for ourselves, but because we can change lives, just like Jackie’s lesson changed. It’s another one of the many reasons that have the Spirit with me is so strong.

2012

The week After I wrote last, Things were amazing. I was so happy and “on track”. But then I started slipping again, and drinking and waking up day after day feeling empty and painfully uncomfortable about each previous night. We got a new roommate. Mary, who I don’t remember if I wrote about, moved out. Mary was an incredible person. Honest and genuine and down to earth as they come. But someone named Noah moved into her room and he is equally as amazing. Intelligent and calm and impressive in his ability with words. I made cards and candy and gave them out. Christmas came and  by this time, I was exhausted from the endless drinking and Cameron’s insufferable drunkenness. My time with his family over xmas was horrible and I was cold and selfish the whole time. I missed Noah. I have feelings for Noah, but I know he is way out of my league and he is leaving in a few months. It will be, yet again, unbearable.

NYE, Rachel and Carter came over and we got wasted in the bathroom and ugh...I feel so gross about it. I’m not sure why. I hate being drunk. NYD was possibly the worst day of my life. Worse than the cocaine weekend that prompted me to start going back to church again. Cameron left that morning, drunk, to go hang out  with some random guy he didn’t even know that called his phone on accident. He was gone all day into the late night and I hated him and as far as I was concerned, we are now broken up. I SWORE not to drink again and last night, Rachel and Carter came over and we went to Mars Bar, then came home and had a dance party and I can’t believe it, but I didn’t drink! And I feel amazing. I kind of felt like Noah was flirting with me, and that maybe there’s something between us, but I also know Noah is kind of just desperate for sex and maybe just wants to fuck. And I’m not sure I would just fuck him, I like him too much. Cameron didn’t drink all week, and now I don’t hate him anymore. He’s been really pleasant and sweet and not stupid and annoying. I made an account on OK Cupid, a dating site, to find lovers in the Anchorage area and I’ve messaged a couple but no responses, which is maddening. It’s so hard to meet people, and relate to the ones I do meet and I wonder if I’m just that socially inept; or if it’s because of my situation. I saw the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo which was amazing and the lead, Lisbeth, has become my new obsession. She gets brutally raped by this guy, but then she goes back, brutally sodomizes him, then tattoos “I am a rapist pig” on his  chest and is really sadistic towards him. It was delicious. I can’t believe this was in a movie. 

About Mormonism - I am going to stop going to church for a while. I think I realized I don’t need the church - as long as I stick to certain things, like not drinking, being consistent in my daily habits, working, keeping my room clean, following a budget, being fair to others, etc. I’d never been able to do these things without the structure of the Church before, but I think I can now. I’ve even stopped praying and reading my scriptures and I feel happy still.

Andrew hung out with us a couple of times which was awesome! He’s going to sell me his computer. I’m thinking about buying a smart phone. Subway is going well - I might be promoted to supervisor. I feel good, I can’t believe I feel good.

I have so much to be grateful for, and I am grateful, but I find it hard to be grateful without having a God to be grateful towards - who do I thank for what I have? I don’t want to slip into feelings of entitlement, or worse, apathy, but how does one do that without believing in God? I still feel less conflicted than before though - agnosticism is what makes the most sense to me.

2015

I’m drunk journaling, which is something I don’t think I’ve ever done before. I’ve been feeling low lately, like I’m going into a depressive period even though I’ve been motivated and planning and getting stuff done. I feel hopeless and bored and sad no matter what I do. But Ii’m going to try and list what I’m grateful for in hopes that it will energize me.

I’m grateful for my two jobs. I wanted to be a barista for so long and it’s given me the opportunity to do that while accentuating my strengths: efficiency with routine, confidence, by necessity, cleanliness, organization - and working on my many weaknesses. I love and would die for my coworkers. EDI was my road into Anchorage and making the best friendship I have, with Miranda. These jobs have shaped me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I’m grateful for Kylie for being patient with me in times of extreme weakness and loving me in spite of my flaws, all of which affect her, and I’m not sure why she puts up with me.

I’ve been feeling a lot of low self-esteem and self-doubt lately - I’ve been focusing on my flaws. And I don’t know how to stop. 

2017

I completely forgot I said I’d cover a shift and I didn’t show up for an open on Monday! So I bought a new planner and I LOVE it. I got to help Maria make a budget on Monday and it was so fun and being around Maria is always uplifting. I saw the movie “Jackie” with Kylie that night.

I pray almost every morning that God will send someone for me to help and almost every day it happens. Tues Morgan had a breakdown so I took over her mid. I did step 1- and am trying to do spot checks - when I feel fear, dishonesty, resentment, or selfishness, I 1. Ask for God  to remove it 2. Talk it out 3. Make amends and 4. Turn my thoughts to someone I can help. Talking it out has been tripping me up - I don’t want others to know how often I feel these things, and I don’t want to overwhelm Ashley. I just feel resentment so often at work. But I’m doing my best.

Thurs I went to a mtg - DOR and they need a secretary so I volunteered! I’m so excited/grateful!

I read step 11. First of all, I’ve still been agonizing about LDS, but I realized I’ve only been thinking about myself. Much of step 11 is about focusing on others, how to be useful. “In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don’t struggle.” I don’t really know what to do - it seems as if I just can’t take it easy even - I really don’t want to go to church. And maybe it’s my decision. But why did I get that intense feeling of comfort about it? I realized all the things I put on the list of things I love about LDS - AA now fits these. AA is becoming my church. I think I’m going to leave LDS (AGAIN!!!!!) and not jump into things so fast in the future, especially because my actions affect others.

Parts of step 11 make me uncomfortable: “We are careful to make no request for ourselves only...we are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends, it doesn’t work...Why can’t we take a specific and troubling dilemma straight to God, and in prayer secure from him sure and definite answers to our requests? Quite often the thoughts that seem to come from God are well-intentioned unconscious rationalizations.” I don’t really understand how this is different from how we’re supposed to pray: “Knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. We simply ask that throughout the day God place us in the best understanding of his will that we can have for that day and that we be given the grace by which to carry it out. We pause and renew the simple request: Thy will, not mine, be done.” I feel like a loving God wouldn’t pettily just not answer prayers that aren’t said the “right” way. I feel like I can’t be intimate with God if I can’t say whatever I want.

I went to a new mtg tonight that I liked but I sulked and felt worse after. I talked to Ashley, did a 4th step on step 11, wrote a list of God attributes, and read “Acceptance was the answer” which had a TON of goodies:

- If I could just control the external environment, the internal environment would then become comfortable. Take care of the internal via the 12 steps and the external takes care of itself.

- Not taking a drink is by far the most important thing I do each day.

- When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away.

- Acceptance is the answer - when I am disturbed, it is because I find something unacceptable and I can find no serenity until I accept that it is exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.

- When I complain about me or you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork.

- I don’t know what’s good for me or you.

- AA has given me a new pair of glasses.

- Focus not on defects but on what I can add to something, what’s good about it.

- I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations.

- I never just sit and do nothing while waiting for God to tell me what to do. Rather, I do whatever is in front of me to be done, and I leave the results up to God.

So I still don’t get it, but I’ll go over it with Ashley and I had a revelation tonight. Of course I am doing all this for me, too - but the way to feel good is to focus on others. What is “giving it away to keep it” if not “seeking first the kingdom of God” which thing I decided to focus on a year ago?