#this was unprompted btw just thought I’d put it out there

[mazojo]

For in case it wasn’t clear I hate Ryusui Nanami (affectionate)

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

this might be a weird thought but the way jensen performs masculinity (and i KNOW it’s a performance cause like, have you SEEN the mockumentary?) is just.... so inherently queer to me lmao

ok. okokokokokok. you asked for this. i have a LOT of thoughts on this. it’s gonna be under a cut because i’m gonna be annoying and psychoanalyse a celebrity i’ve never met(and hope i never do) but trust and believe when i tell you i know what i’m talking about so

you want my opinion? here goes. there is absolutely no way jensen ackles is straight. i hear you, ‘how do you know that he’s bi? that’s invasive and creepy’ but may i counter that point by saying how do you know he’s straight???? why is the default for everyone heterosexual? that’s a toxic mentality to have; ‘oh you don’t know for sure so just treat him like he’s 100% straight just in case’ like....what? heteronormativity drives me wild i’m sorry

and also, um, just to, um, prove my point that this man is decidedly not straight™(i really don’t want to do this but like it has to be said) we KNOW he’s not straight because his d*ck has spoken for itself around misha, like, four times. I HATE SAYING IT!!!!!!! but, um, straight men don’t get aroused by men. ...do i really need to explain myself further???? that’s what i thought(and don’t give me the ‘it could have been for unrelated reasons’ or ‘that wasn’t a boner!’ crap because um good lord yes it was and misha caused every single one so no it wasn’t a coincidence i’m gonna move on before i collapse into myself like a dying star)

anyway, on to the topic at hand which is jensen and his performative masculinity. and it’s a juicy one.

after the unconscious amount of hours i’ve put into watching and subconsciously judging jackles, i have come to the conclusion that like, 90% of how he presents himself and talks and even moves is an act. it’s a facade. it’s a shield. he is not that person. it actually seems exhausting, because he tries to compose himself in this macho, manly, confident and effortlessly cool way, but he’s not that person he desperately wishes he was and wants to be perceived as. he’s on guard every second, even the slightest tilt of his head is like, pre-meditated in some way? if i’m going FULL body language analyst mode, i’ve noticed he has a certain posture he always shifts himself into, and it’s very ‘pursed lips, stoic faced, gruff voiced, square-shoulder, broad and manly’ but, not to be rude jensen, it kind of reads as a little kid imitating the adults he thinks are cool? oof i am going IN huh(it’s out of love though i promise)

he is trying to be this person at every second:

because that’s who he wishes he was, because that’s how he gets validation from the people around him that he looks up to; straight white guys. but to me, who he presents himself to be at conventions is just as much of a performance as this whole eye of the tiger bit is.

oh i should mention i know his body language isn’t naturally like that because how he naturally carries himself is actually pretty flamboyant? like he seriously must be toning himself down HARD

examples:

there’s no tension in his body here as opposed to the eye of the tiger gif. i’d describe it as...generally loose and free? he’s at ease when he moves like that and you can see it.

oh and dude!!! DUDE!!!! how could i not mention the fucking SPECTACLE that is his voice??? jensen. i watched season one. i know where your voice naturally sits. THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE. and there have been so many accounts of fans visiting jensen in his trailer and being surprised that his real voice is two octaves higher. again, his performance of masculinity is all encompassing. he can’t even talk normally because, in his mind, that’s a chink in his armour.

and, like you said, anon, this whole smokes-and-mirrors gong show of ‘i am the cool texan man’ is inherently queer. who are you trying to impress??? guys??? that’s pretty gay dude.(btw: gay[honorary])

i feel like i’ve already read this man for filth but i have to keep going bc i have so much to say

ok next thing i’m gonna talk about is how jensen says one thing but everything else about him tells us the exact opposite. another HUGE element of performative masculinity, ONE THAT DEAN WINCHESTER IS A MASTER OF. have i mentioned how dean and jensen are like mirrors of each other when it comes to their sexuality and queer identity??? because it is fascinating how everything i say about jensen also directly applies to dean.

allow me to introduce the grumpy face™. as in, the face he glues on when he’s enjoying doing something but doesn’t want to let anyone know it. and it’s ALWAYS when he’s doing something that could be seen as unmanly in any way. (and when i say manly i mean the ‘ideal’ version of manhood that doesn’t really exist but that jensen seems to be striving for[and dean too])

prime example is this video he did with daneel. the grumpy face™ doesn’t budge the whole time as he’s like,,,,playing an instrument and acting like he doesn’t want to bc i guess that’s too girly??? but i also find this video fascinating because the joke IN it is kind of that they’re both poking fun at him for being so insecure about playing a freaking flute. because, i mean, he gets into it, but he wants you to think he is not.

also this picture.

what is this. i hate them. jensen is smushing himself into misha’s forehead but noooo his face is telling us ‘i hate this’ because CLEARLY he does. also misha’s so happy ew gross

he does that face in photo ops with misha ALL THE TIME but how many times has he also literally asked the con goers if he can also have those photos on his phone too? because of course he actually loves touching misha and is actually a sentimental fool but he tries so hard to hide it and fails so spectacularly.

oh and this. and of COURSE this. actually let’s talk about the hitch kiss for a hot minute because it’s a perfect example of exactly what i’m talking about

(he is so transparent guys. he tries so hard but he’s so obvious.)

1. misha was never supposed to be onstage with him. so it’s a boldface LIE and OBVIOUS PLOY TO GET MISHA TO KISS HIM when he says ‘they’d like us to make out now’. but of course the way he says it is ‘oh my god can you believe what these crazy panel people are making us do haha but i mean what they say goes amirite’. same energy as ‘oh my god did you just dare us to kiss rn???’ ‘....no i didn’t’ ‘oh my god i can’t believe you’d ask that haha but i can’t say no to a dare lol’ it’s the SAME THING

2. the fact that he was in the worst mood before misha came onstage and FAKE KISSING HIM made him feel...SO?? much better? like not just a little better a lot better like, again, that says a lot, because if they weren’t dating he would not be in a better mood if misha kissed his cheek unprompted. bc that cheek kiss wasn’t a joke it was a genuine sign of affection and AHHHH

3. after the kiss happens. you know, the one that jensen actively leans into and is smiling like an idiot the whole time through and is quite clearly having the time of his life during....he says ‘well, that was uncomfortable’. .......my guy. um. i don’t know how to tell you that i do in fact have eyes and you are NOT pulling the fast one you think you are

like i’m so sorry jensen but i have you pegged. it’s literally no use.

god there’s so many instances of him doing this with misha specifically. the whole ‘ew gross lol’ but then everything about him tells us the exact opposite. like this(i hate this. how dare he say ‘he has though, hasn’t he?’ LIKE THAT?????)

so yeah my point with that is he really wants us to think he is one thing when he is the antithesis of what he’s trying to be. he really likes those things that he talks down about, and everything he’s loudly projecting is all to hide how he really feels. he went to a gay bar with daneel, for crying out loud. he wants to play a role in drag. he’s queer and he likes it. pov: you’re jensen ackles train of thought: ‘ok so i really like this thing that people might make fun of me for or call me gay for liking so if i just say ‘lol as if’ and make a grossed-out face they will be FOOLED. i am a genius. hey misha wanna blow on my ear lol i meAN GROSS EW’

i have two more things i want to talk about when it comes to this topic so PLEASE bear with me anon this is why you took so long to answer clearly lmao

ok so we’re now going to go over my favorite hot take of all time. which is ‘how do we know dean’s performing masculinity? because sam isn’t.’ only replace dean with jensen and sam with jared and oh my god do we ever have a case

jared is as STRAIGHT as they come. he is secure in that knowledge. and that’s why he is perfectly comfortable treating misha like this:

and not try to scream ‘i am not enjoying doing this!!!!!!’ at us. because he doesn’t care what we think of his sexuality like jensen does(because he has nothing to hide whereas jensen DOES)

something i found the other day that no one has brought up but i SCREAMED upon finding it is this one clip THAT I CAN’T FIND OH GOD but i promise i’m not making it up. i can’t believe i can’t find it guys it is gold. i need need NEED to talk about it. and if anyone knows what i’m referencing and can apply links in any way i will love you forever but here’s what happens off the top of my head:

ok so i’m a bit too braindead to explain it perfectly but um basically it’s a j2 panel and someone brings up magic mike and i think jared says ‘yeah i didn’t watch it’ and then jensen says ‘all the way through’. stupid joke. whatever. the joke is that jared is gay for watching magic mike.

and then i literally kid you not. jared gets this like ‘jesus christ ok dude? lol’ look on his face and then goes ‘projecting much, mr. ackles?’ and jensen gets a guilty look on his face and walks away. and jared did not say it as a joke. he was being dead pan and earnest. and jensen knew it too, he knew he was projecting. i wish i could show you guys the clip i promise if i ever find it i’ll link it but IS THAT NOT SO DAMNING FOR JENSEN????? like come ON. also proves my point that when you compare how they feel about watching magic mike. jared doesn’t care bc watching it just doesn’t interest him, but he also thinks that just watching it in itself doesn’t make you gay. jensen however.......has a different mindset, clearly.

‘projecting much, mr. ackles?’ is actually a great title for my next and FINAL section(we’re almost there folks) which is how jensen projects his insecurites about his own sexuality and relationship with misha onto misha.

i hope by now we’ve all seen this video of jensen impersonating cas. it is a blatant microaggression on his part. and like obviously homophobic. it’s like in his mind if he makes fun of them for being gay it makes them both less gay somehow??? it’s self-deprecation in a way??? let’s just tell it like it is: that impression was just jensen’s overt internalized homophobia rearing it’s ugly head. he does it a LOT too when it comes to misha.

i mean:

and that whole mess where he’s making fun of misha for being a bottom in their panel in 2016? ‘so you’re saying, like with football terms, there’s a handler and there’s a receiver heheheehe’ jensen you’re not exempt from being gay just because you know football terms lmao

oh and his OTHER impression of misha where he mocks him for...bicycling...because it’s not a manly enough sport??? jensen NO ONE else has ever thought this hard in their lives about what constitutes as masculine enough to be a sport before. that’s all you bud. we don’t find those jokes nearly as funny as you do. you are reaching, sir

the good news is that misha thinks it’s hilarious and knows it’s projecting on jensen’s part and will tease him endlessly for it. many stories come to mind, like that one photo op story where they’re literally dressed in rainbow banners and pride stickers but when misha goes to hold his hand jensen said something like ‘no way’ and then misha stepped back, put his hands on his hips and went ‘that’s the part that’s too gay for you???’ and jensen LOST it

or when that whole underwear thing happened(messy messY MESSY BTW) and then a fan asked a question about what dean and cas would do in rome and misha just said ‘when in rome’ and jensen makes a face like ‘are you serious’ and then misha says ‘you can’t look at me like that anymore, because of what you did!!!!!!’

OH and that whole story about when misha suggested they put jensen in the closet for that cat video....yeah um

and then when jensen was asked to do bisexual finger guns for a photo op and the con goer said ‘he looks bisexual here’ and misha literally said ‘oh he definitely looks bisexual here. i would say he’s actually closer to the gay side of the spectrum’ so..um...make with that as you will

OH MY GOD i’m finally done. wow. WOW. that was a lot. i hope i’ve blown your minds. ty anon i really wanted to talk about this and i hope you’re happy with the outcome!!!!!!

[sharkb0yinthewat3r]

What was coming out like for you?

For years I was closeted and i really didn’t want to do it. I go back and forth between whether or not I thought it was unnecessary or I told myself it was unnecessary so I wouldn’t have to do it. It was probably a little bit of both.

I knew for a while that at the very least my mom knew since she was the only one dropping hints. But if she did so did everybody else. After I was like truly accepting of myself, I really did buy into the narrative that i didn’t need to do it. On one hand I felt like everyone in my family already knew so there was no need to inform them, there was no need to bring it up out of nowhere unprompted, and it’s just ridiculous that that’s something anyone has to do. I’m more than my sexuality and straight people don’t have to come out.

Anyway this ended up being a really long post feel free to read all of it, but the main takeaway is that coming out was scary. Even when I knew nothing big was going to come of it, there’s just like this anxiety I had and I think it’s normal. Im lucky to live a life where I can be myself freely without having to be concerned about repercussions. I would say me coming out to my friends/just not hiding who I was from them was a great experience. My cousins were so great. My mom and my sister, I guess I wish that those had gone better which is crazy to me because they had known the longest and had so long to prepare and just didn’t have ideal reactions (far from awful but it was kinda just like uhhh ok?) and then my dads is probably my favorite bc that’s how it should be for everyone. It was ultimately very freeing for me but it was also like very uncomfortable for me.

My coming out happened in 4 phases:

1. College freshman year: i was struggling with my sexuality after I got my first crush and wasn’t sure whether or not people would accept me and eventually I told one friend that I lived with and he never treated me differently, I think I told three other friends that were girls, but overall it was extremely difficult to communicate for me. I would say that this was a time in which I was still closeted.

2. I now work on accepting myself and don’t really talk about it with people unless it comes up for the next three years. I’m now in my fourth year of college and join an org where I’m placed on a committee that’s essentially 60% gay males 40% straight males (and girls). My goal when joining was just to be open and let people get to know me. I was still middle ish of the road and sorta wanted to be perceived as straight. I think people just kind of started to assume I was gay and it was like “oh I don’t have to think about telling anyone anything or acting a certain way. I can just be myself” and I kinda just let loose and as we started hanging out and going to parties together I was able to open up and be myself judgement free and it was just so much fun and that’s when I like TRULY accepted myself and I was like life should be like this all the time. I can’t believe I haven’t been doing this. This was more of like a me coming out to myself than anything else and showing myself how enjoyable life can be when you don’t bottle yourself up.

3. Same year (after my first semester) Even though I was very open with my friends at school, this was my first time home for a ‘long break’ and I wasn’t as open with my family. Me and my two female cousins went out for a day together in the city and then ended up at a bar where they were talking about the kind of guys they were into and my one cousin mentions that she’s into older guys and I didn’t say anything and then our other cousin went to the bathroom and I was like btw I’m gay and I only wanted to preface that bc when u said u were into older guys I was like legit same I know exactly what you mean. My other cousin came back from the bathroom and then we laughed about it, but they were the sweetest and most supportive I could’ve wanted. I don’t think I’d ever felt as close with them as I did in that moment. They asked if anyone else knew and I was like well my friends but that’s it and they said they wouldn’t tell anyone and I thanked them.

A few nights later I met my sister out at a bar for her birthday in the city. I was hanging out with her friends (who I knew just not on a real personal level) because she was dancing and making out with some guy. This is actually kinda funny. It was winter and the bar was hot so I tied my jacket around my waist (as I often do bc that’s just typically part of my look, kinda like a staple of mine tbh) and her friend is like “ryán why are you wearing that around your waist, go put it in the coat check” and I was like no thanks like I really don’t mind having it on my waist, I like the way it looks and I honestly don’t wanna pay and she’s like “you have to check it, any girl who walks in here and sees a guy with a jacket around his waist will not want to get with him” and I looked at her and laughed and was like “lol ok well that’s fine because I’m into guys anyway” and she was taken aback like “OH” and I was like lol r u surprised and she was like well your sister just never told me that and I said well idk why she would, like for one I’m not sure why that would be a topic of discussion between the two of you and for two I haven’t told her anyway. She and my sisters other gay friend practically forced me to tell her the entire night and I was like um ok. And then my sister got mad at me for telling them before her and made it all about herself and I was drunk crying running to the bathroom lol and she followed it up with SO MANY questions and was like you gotta tell mom and dad we talk about it all the time. And I was like 1. No I don’t, if they wanna know they can ask me I don’t care 2. That’s kinda fucked up that you guys talk about me and my sexuality all the time behind my back?? 3. If you just said u all know why do I have to tell you. There isn’t really more to the story there, it was her telling me to and me saying no.

4. It is the 2019th summer. Id thought many times about telling my parents I wanted to go to pride and just like ended up saying nothing. Fact of the matter was that I wasn’t proud and honestly even if I wanted to go I didn’t know who I’d go with. My parents are VERY religious and when I was younger I had heard my mom express worry about a girls mother after the girl had come out as a lesbian l o l. Years go by and my mom got me a pamphlet for the lgbt center mixed in with a bunch of other papers when I moved in my freshman dorm, said a lot of encouraging things to me like telling me “you can date anyone you want” and asking me about my love life (this kind of stuff happened between stages 1 and 2). Nothing was explicitly said but I think we both silently acknowledged it. She even asked about one of my gay friends bc I think she thought we mightve been dating (between stage 3 and 4) which we were not and never have hooked up or anything. Honestly I knew they’d be supportive and I knew they weren’t going to kick me out, I just didn’t know how they’d honestly and truly take it. And by the time that I didn’t give a fuck about how anybody “took” the “news” I was aware that they knew and subscribed to all the beliefs that I listed above. If they wanted to know so desperately they could ask me. At this point I wasn’t even trying to hide it. A guy kinda fucked me over right before school was over and I was talking to her on the phone and she was asking how I was and why I sounded meh and I just told her guys suck without trying to get into it. Anyhow picture this, straight pride has just been confirmed for August 2019. Gays are distressed everywhere. Can we not have one thing??? I share a post to my insta story stating something along the lines of “straight pride isn’t necessary and you should be happy you don’t need it. LGBT people need pride because we still don’t have equal rights and people get killed every day for being a part of this community and people get kicked out of their homes for loving someone, etc.” and I guess my mom saw it and was like that was an interesting post on your instagram and I was like lol ok thanks. (She had thought I didn’t think I was safe in my own home and that’s why I wasn’t coming out) And she’s like is there something you want to tell me? And I say is there something you want me to tell you? And she says only if you want to. And I say “what mom do you want me to tell you I’m gay? Like it’s not a secret. I know you know and everybody else knows.” We went on a walk and she said some highly questionable microaggressions but meant with overall support. At this point though like I already accepted myself so I could just roll my eyes and be like lol whatever you don’t get it.

Then my dad comes back and she calls him to the kitchen and is like I think you should tell him now. And i was like gurl what? This is so out of nowhere and so ridiculous. You’re really going to do this after we just had an hourlong discussion on why I didn’t feel the need to come out. And my dad comes in and is like what’s up and I say hey just so you know I’m gay, ok? And he says ok.

[captain-aralias]

Creators: give a “behind the scenes” look at one of your works. This could be things that got removed or changed, the origins of ideas/details, whatever you like!

oh hey - it’s trivia tuesday already (i guess it’s been a long two days back at work this week). i know everyone is still working their way through the remixes that are finished and posted - and i say, do this! some cracking stuff. i’m over half way through now, and i want to write up some thoughts about how these 26 stories approached remix - because it’s super inventive. i think people benefited from not being familiar with the format.

but i also wanted to share my thinking around why i picked the fic to remix that i did - and what else i was considering from @bazzybelle‘s ficlist, because i think the thought process around remix is interesting. AND i wanted to show you the 500 words i wrote almost immediately of a completely different remix that i definitely won’t finish. it would have been... a publishing AU, fake relationship with too-early-in-the-relationship sex. all good things in a fic, right?

so - read on for deleted scenes, and discussion of thought process. and don’t read on, if that’s not your jam. 

(in general remember - i’m keen to leave stuff in the original that’s good, rather than just thieve everything. so that’s my thought process here.) 

first idea: 

I Just Want Your Extra Time And Your .....

(texting, sex chat). i already really liked this fic, and i have IRL experience of working in publishing (which you’ll see to some extent in the fic - i worked very near people who worked on celebrity cookbooks, which is what baz works on in the fic) (the launch party is not revealed to be at the groucho club in the bit i wrote, but would have been - and i’ve been there/i know soho, so ... that was all appealing)

my idea was: the original is a text fic, mine isn’t, although they still only know each other through the sex chat set-up. so instead of simon and baz having text-sex (as in the fic), baz asks simon [who he's never met] to come and be his fake date at a publishing launch party where he sees lamb, his former boyfriend. 

the trigger for simon and baz progressing with their relationship/having sex (Because they were going to have sex but IRL) would be the same - baz seeing lamb and freaking out. and some of the texts would be literally copied and pasted in my fic as backstory. 

here were my original notes:

in the original fic there's a bit where baz sees lamb, his ex boyfriend, and then is like - hey, simon distract me and they have phone sex

my fic will essentially start there - baz is at a launch party for one of his books, lamb is there - dating the author. it is awful. baz wants to leave, but can't. also, it's time for the text slot with simon - he goes and hides in a cloakroom

and is texting simon, it's terrible - i am so drunk and it's still terrible. and i think simon offers (rather than baz asks) to come and pretend to be his boyfriend

for some sort of plausible denial reason like baz will text him a lot over hte next few days so he'll get a lot of extra money or some shit, but also because simon thinks lamb is a dick even through teh messages

simon shows up - they both drink a lot. they like each other, simon punches lamb (probably). baz asks if he can take simon to a restaurant, they talk more - they kiss. they go back to a hotel together. they discuss whether or not this means that simon is a prostitute (no). they have sex IRL

baz wakes up - and leaves immediately, obviously.

they text again the next day - it's awkward. simon thinks about how he could track baz down if he wanted to - but he feels like baz doesn't want him to, so he doesn't

simon gets out of his horrible job - baz probably tries to get in touch with him, but can't because he's gone. simon gets a message from baz ....... this is still to be determined

anyway - i will probably steal the meet cute in the elevator, it's nice.

why i stopped writing it: 

i knew it was going to take ages to write - i didn’t have the time or brainspace to write 20k of fic. i’d assumed going in that i could lean on the original fic to provide the meetcute, but realised that since it was an AU, i still needed to sell the relationship - particularly given that they were meeting in real life for the first time in my fic. 

also, it would have been my first mundane AU for the fandom, and my first thing where they weren’t enemies first. (so i was trying to think about how i could get them not to like each other a bit WHILE STILL doing fake dating - and it was throwing me off). it was all just too much.

everything i’ve written is pasted for you at the bottom.

other ideas: 

a month passed. i didn’t write any more on my original remix, but went back to greener grass instead. i sent out the month warning email to remixees and thought - i am not going to finish this fic. 

so, i went back to the list of bazzybelle’s fic and thought what can i write that i can definitely write in a month? 

1. You're F***in' Perfect to Me - daphne POV

i thought, i could write this from malcolm's POV.  in the fic daphne talks a lot about how she and malcolm are just friends, rather than true love, and it's baz she has real (motherly) feelings for, not malcolm. so i thought i could write 'the courtship of mrs grimm' where malcolm gets a wake-up call from this argument, and thinks, i actually do love daphne but she likes my son more than me. he's been hiding behind not wanting to sully natasha's memory, etc, etc. fiona would probably be in it. 

2. bat baz

i also had a bit of a naff idea where instead of baz turning into a bat, in bat baz, he would turn into bat man... 

(interestingly one of the remixes was about baz turning into a cat) 

3. If I Fell In Love With You - which i eventually chose

i took the dancing and the music, the set up, and the theme of communication - also some dialogue. pushed some of the focus onto baz’s relationship with niall, pushed the action back in time towards wayward son, added a truth spell (based on a spell in the original) to force communication.

i think this is one of the most interesting remixes i’ve ever done, btw. i’m really pleased with my take on it. 

i chose this to remix because i thought - it’s only a few scenes, rather than a whole get-together arc, and it felt achievable in the timespan. i also had a strong idea about what i could do that was different - the relationship with niall and the spell, and what i would leave for people to discover in the original (simon’s POV - including the warmth he feels when baz cooks for him, the two of the resolving the initial fight when simon comes home in a bad mood). 

the title is a combination of - another line from ‘if i fell’ but one that is about not talking to each other/not putting yourself out there... and ‘where words fail’ - which is the spell i used, and also picks up on what baz says to niall - that telling simon wasn’t enough. even if he’d had the right words, they wouldn’t have been believable. but - through the music/magic, they were able to communicate. 

i also considered using a line from ‘into my arms’ instead (I believe in some kind of path), since that was the song that the magic is cast on - but it didn’t work as well thematically. 

here’s the fic i wrote: Don’t Run and Hide (The ‘Where Words Fail’ Remix’)

and here’s the remix i didn’t write. i think i almost wanted to finish it just for the elvis gag. alas, alas.

I Just Want your Extra Time: remix, not written

BAZ

I don’t smoke as much as my father thinks I do. And I don’t drink – not usually. This evening, though, I’ve already had several glasses of champagne and I’m on my fourth cigarette, the second this smoke break. Because it’s that or go back inside. And I definitely don’t want to go back inside.

I should have known he’d be here.

Not that he was invited. Not that he’s on the guest list. Not that there’s any reason at all, in fact, for him to be here, except that my life is an absolute disaster. Today definitely not an exception.

If anything, it’s worse than usual. I thought I’d already hit bottom when Dev told me I had to ring our printers – in China – and get them to promise to ship one of our new titles three weeks early, as some idiot had sent the press release out with the wrong date. That was excruciating, but things seemed to be improving.

It’s a launch party night. I’m not sure why, but I always look forward to them, even though I hate crowds. (Niall would probably say, other people in general. And he wouldn’t be far wrong.)

But I get to wear a suit. (Tonight’s is Spencer Hart. Dark grey. Green tie.) And I know Snow is going to text after the first hour. And even though no one ever remembers to thank the editor – not unprompted, anyway – I do enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that I’m responsible for turning whatever dross we’ve been told to sell into something that could loosely be called a book.

This one is a cookbook by an actor (not a chef, in other words. I had to hire someone else to write the recipes and then we just photographed him next to the result.) It should be a triumph. It is – we’ve already sold several thousand copies. I should be enjoying myself. But then I heard a voice next to my ear.

“Baz.” And someone put a hand on my waist. “Don’t you look rosy?”

Not someone. Lambert. (I never called him Francois, even when we were intimate.) As irritatingly handsome as ever. And just as confident I’ll do whatever he wants.

I haven’t seen him for months. Not since he left me Las Vegas to go off with one of the better-looking Elvis impersonators. (And if that isn’t the most humiliating break-up story you’ve ever heard, then I really don’t want to know what is. Dumped. And for Elvis.) (Not even the real Elvis - not that it makes a difference.)

“I hoped I’d see you here,” he – Lambert – told me. “It’s been far too long.”

“Since you left me.”

He gave me a hurt look. “Baz. We said Auf Wiedersehen, not goodbye.”

“Who are you really here with?”

The author, of course. I watched their eyes meet across the room and Lambert smiling, before he told me it wasn’t serious. And that he’d be interested in taking me to dinner.

“Unless you’re seeing someone?”

I raised an eyebrow – even though I know Lambert knows I only do that when I can’t think of anything to say. Which means he probably knows the truth, which is that there isn’t anyone else. Not anyone else real, anyway.  

Which reminds me …

I check my watch – it’s later than I thought.

[oldmonstermusings]

This poem reminds me of us. Has, maybe, put into words what I haven’t been able to say for years. Our relationship was not always closed. There was a time we were open. 

I remember growing up with you caring for me, big sister. You sang to me that time I got surgery. I remember that pretty vividly, actually. Wrote about it in a few other stories I made. Sometimes, you protected me from mom or bullies. We made mud pies a lot when I was a child. My favorite times were when we would celebrate holiday traditions together. 

Believe it or not, but there was a time in my life where I idolized you. I thought of you as this can do no wrong, beautiful being. I never told you, but, sometimes, people would bully me and call me ugly and compare me to you. They would remark how you were the beautiful sister and I, the ugly one. I was never phased by their words. I would actually agree. You are beautiful. I loved you. When you talked over me, I let you. Surely, your words were more important. If something had to happen, I’d hoped it’d happen to me. Surely, your existence was so much more necessary than mine. I showed you deference. 

I remember when you taught me photography. It was because you needed a hand, but it was maybe one of the first activities we had done together in so long. Maybe you think I hate it, but, in actuality, it is a gift that I will always treasure. 

If you call me, you know I will drop everything for you. Still. Even after everything. If you ask, I will indulge (spoil, enable) you. Still. Even after everything. 

A nine-year difference is a bit of a bitxh I have learned.

Our relationship changed--multiple times. Each with a resounding closed door. 

When you went to high school, you were busy. Most always, it seemed. It seemed like I came second to your friends. I don’t remember us--you--making time for me. But, in your defense, mom made you the second parent. You were only trying to finally live, have a childhood. I’m upset. I felt like I lost you. 

Before I went to high school, I met a man. I was 12. He was 21. When you noticed our “friendship”, you showed me attention. tbh, everyone did. (By then, I had been through a lot. I wasn’t dumb. Not in that way. I was cruel. I treated this man as a distraction, a convenient plaything. I didn’t love him. I was only using him for a year until I entered high school. The ending of our “friendship” meant nothing to me.) I put on an act to pump up the attention on me. I pretended I loved him. And missed him. I loved it. (I missed it. I missed the connections with my family. I wanted them back. I was so lonely. I just wanted to be noticed.) When you (and then everyone), found out I had snuck him in the house, multiple times, you cried so hard. Made such a scene. I instinctively felt bad. Maybe cause I made you cry like ugly cry. I felt bad too, I suppose. I betrayed the trust of everyone in my family, but I was lonely. I thought I was doing this right (do something bad, family pays attention, problem solved). I thought after this incident my family would aim to meet me in my loneliness and be with me more. Instead my family distanced themselves from me, I didn’t lose anything so much as my family thought I was a dirty liar and backstabber and rebel instead of focusing on the fact I was lonely and “troubled.” I didn’t get attention or help or even therapy. I got nasty and hurt looks. Silence. I got blamed for this, turned into the villain, instead of being seen as I was: a lonely, hurt, individual asking for help. (My actually asking of help went unanswered too btw). 

You told me a few years later how when you first came back from college, you noticed I changed. I was demure, quiet, introvert, sad. You mention, “I didn;t know how to connect with you. It was a stark change. (It wasn’t.) So, I left you alone.” You never reached out. What I was exhibiting were signs of trauma. I had lost a lot. But you hardly visited, hardly hung out with me, and so when we started speaking different languages, I didn’t know how to connect to you.

When I was in junior year, you moved back in. Gradually, you became like our mother. You are, to some degree, a narrcisstic sociopath. I could tell because without prompting you would announce yourself as the best, favorite, number 1. You would lord it over me. You began to make unprompted and unwanted comments on my life--one in which you know nothing about nor deign to listen or care about. The comments were (are) degrading: the way I dress displeases you because I will never met a guy looking like that--unkept, no makeup, hairy legs and arms and crotch, long toenails, wearing men’s clothing, wearing loose clothing, having acne; the way I never help around the house displeases you because it just proves that I’m spoiled, lazy, a waste of space, slow, no purpose; the way I needed a job because I can’t live off our parents forever, followed by, mooch, freeloader; (And when I got myself a job, oh then I needed a real job at 16. I needed something that would get me out of the house everyday, work long hours, etc. Some arbitrary bullshxt.), the way I express myself displeases you because I just haven’t met the right people yet--the people who will make me straight again, less “confused”, be “real” with me, won’t take “advantage” of me, will repeatedly beat me down with how I need to get my shxt together; the way I live displeases you because you wish that I would grow up--mature, be a functioning human who stops faking their mental illnesses, who gets out of the house, stops talking in a whiny voice, who goes to therapy because they’re the only ones with major issues, learns to drive, loses weight, gets a job, and moves out. You also, like mother, have her temper and violence. If I talk back or don’t, If I am guilty or innocent, you tell at me, deny my truth, chase me, hunt me, and hit me. You traumatized me, and still, I forget it counts as trauma. 

You told me once that I would never be your maid-of-honor. Truthfully, it did hurt. I thought we would somehow become close again. I don’t know you. I don’t care for you. I don’t remember what it is like to have a sister. 

You told me once that no one gives a flying fuckabout me being queer, and that I need to stop shoving my homosexuality down your thoart. I was shocked, more angry though. I hate hypocrites. Y’know what you did after that? You ordered chick-fil-a, booked tickets to a local drag show, bought some pride gear for pride so people would think you’re all for equality, and watched rupaul’s drag race that evening. You love queerness. You “love the gays”. Except when it’s me, your “sibling”, then it’s toxic, nasty, my sex life is taboo, I’m not good enough for women or there’s something wrong with them to like me, or I’m too fat and I can’t keep up with people I like. I’m sorry I ruin your chance at normalcy. I’m not actually sorry. 

When I was in college and you worked close, you would never offer to give me a ride. You only give me rides if it’s convenient for you and/or I can pay you for the gas. Usually, you tell me to ride the bus because you had to. I remember the day it stormed and rained so hard, no one was out on the street, and still you wouldn’t give me a ride. It was dark, I get lost. It took me three hours to get home. I came home soaking wet. I rode the bus like that, the subway, and the walk home. Sometimes, I forget how easily you will abandon me. 

I joined the sorority for your approval. To finally get it. To finally have you approve of something I did in my life for once, and also to stop your constant harassment. I liked it at first. But, I wasted so much money. It may disappoint you, but I’m glad Ieft. 

Every Christmas, you don’t listen but somehow you usually get me the most thoughtful gifts. I appreciate the things we’ve done, but I also remember that I keep you at arm’s length. 

I’m still learning to forgive myself, I wish someone had told me that everything I did for approval, for validation, for calming the storm would never be enough for the wrong person/people. I have murdered myself trying to do right by people who will never see, know, me and my work and my love. 

I worry a lot about the kids you will bring into this world--ones you are incapable of raising. I worry what trauma you’ll inflict on them as you inflicted on me. But maybe, you will treat them better. Maybe they will be normal, and so they will be loved. 

My mom told us that she made sure to have two children, so that we would not grow up lonely like her--the only child. She said we have to take car of each other and depend on each other. I don’t think she understand how impossible that is. I have many siblings in my chosen family. Friends, hyenas, who love and have continued to love me so much better than my sister. What was the point of two children if I still grew up lonely? My chosen family is all that I need.

[dajoezenone]

THE ZOO ARC (Steven Universe Review)

Confused about how I’m reviewing an entire arc of episodes that has been promoted to release at the end of this month? Well, Cartoon Network put the episodes on their website without warning last night. And I watched em. 

But you dont care about that. Lets talk about the episodes. I’ll be as spoiler free as I can but its a pretty intense arc. Just watch it and then come back if you still care. 

The first one starts out by breaking the cardinal rule of the show: STEVEN PUTS STUFF TOGETHER AND ASKS QUESTIONS ON HIS OWN.  Except, not really. His questions come up because his dream powers are causing his mind to connect with that of Blue Diamond. Side note: any other time Steven’s dream powers have acted up, its because Steven is thinking about the person as he falls asleep, or otherwise because he lucid dreams his way there intentionally. This time it is COMPLETELY unprompted as far as I know, and its not really said why. But thats okay. 

Anyways, its really Connie that puts together that she’s seen the thing in Steven’s dream before, and thats the only thing she does this whole arc. While we’re on the subject, Lapis and Peridot show up momentarily in the subsequent episode only to also get left out of the entire rest of it. The three are told that if anything happens while the main crew is gone, they must defend Beach City and the earth, which shows how much the Gems trust them, but since, to our knowledge, nothing really happens, it doesnt mean anything really. I really want to see the three of them interact on some kind of mission sometime soon though. That would be really fun and solidify the three of them not only as Crystal Gems, but as a team themselves. I’d really like that. 

Anyways, Greg and Steven go off in search of answers to what really happened to Pink Diamond, and do so by flying to Korea in Andy’s plane. They have a nice touristy montage through Korea, and then end up at the Palanquin. There, they find Blue Diamond, who is mourning Pink. Greg has a nice moment where he connects with her, where he tells her he knows how she feels and what she’s going through. Its a really good scene. The two characters aren’t ones you’d expect to connect. The parallel is nice, not expected, and really clever. Its emotional, and genuine. Its also interesting to see Greg do something like this, as its definitely what Steven would do in the situation. I somehow always thought that side of Steven really was from Rose. After all, we’ve seen that she loved everything on the Earth. But... the more we’ve learned about who Rose was, it does make much more sense that having this kind of response to Homeworld things definitely comes from Greg, not Rose. 

Anyways, Greg is dadnapped by Blue Diamond and put into her Human Zoo a few lightyears across Space. 

Steven and the OG CG crew follow in the Roving Eye they stole from the Rubies. Speaking of whom, we see them briefly, and its mentioned that they’ll clean up THAT mess on the way back. The second episode in the arc seems mostly wasted on in-jokes like this. Steven messes with the ship’s controls, and as they go farther beyond the speed of light, it becomes harder and harder for the Gem’s to maintain their form, which results in some not that funny shape shifting shenanigans at first, and some soul-crushing loneliness later. Steven has a revealing, yet predictable emotional moment while the Gems arent able to take form, confessing he feels this is all his fault for asking questions. But the problem is solved and the Gems comfort him. This is by far my least favorite of the five, in case you can’t tell. Its got its moments, but not enough for me to really like it. 

The third episode brings the quality back up though. They arrive at the zoo, and realize they’re going to have to sneak past the Homeworld Gems stationed there. Garnet unfuzes, and Steven and the four Gems start faking their way through the security so they can get to where Greg and the other humans are held.

Something I really like about this episode, and the last one in particular is that each of the Gems that does come along on the journey has to deal with their own little struggle. They all have moments that are unique to their characters, and they’re all balanced well. Ruby, Sapphire, Amethyst, and Pearl all grow as characters, at least a little bit. Pearl is the most obvious, as she is forced to revert to being subservient to the other Gems. Sapphire and Ruby have to be apart again, and the stakes are much higher than in Hit the Diamond. Also, while that largely seemed to focus on Ruby and her interactions with the other Rubies, this focuses a tad more on Sapphire, having to pretend to be in charge of the other Gems, and having to struggle with the knowledge that they WILL fail. Without Ruby, its hard for her to change the course of time she sees before her, and we really see the effects of that. She gets a lot more screentime than she usually does, and its really nice. 

At the base, we’re introduced to the main villain of the arc, a Holly Blue Agate in charge of the Zoo. Compared to Peridot, Jasper and even Lapis, she’s relatively mediocre, and I kinda doubt she’ll ever become as important as those Homeworld Gems, but she does her job well. She’s super uptight and perfectionist, and while she clearly enjoys her work on the Zoo (expressing delight at both the new human arrivals) 5,000 years of dealing with the squadron of Amethysts and other Earth Gems that crew the station is clearly wearing on her. Any tiny thing that goes wrong, she blames on them, which is really nice for our heroes, but at the same time only allows them to see how ferocious she would be to them if she found them out. Even Steven never really tries to befriend Holly Blue. She manages to be scary while also hardly raising her voice. She expects things to work the proper way, and whoever is making things NOT work properly will suffer, if she has anything to say about it. 

Without spoiling how that episode really goes from there, the fourth episode in the arc focuses on what things have been like for Greg actually in the Zoo. And this episode is probably my favorite of the bunch, though the last one is really good as well. The humans in captivity are all very blissfully unaware of how life is. They all seem to be happy, but their lives lack true meaning or love of any kind. The people there are all really nice, albeit childlike and a bit weird. They’re somewhat entitled, a bit lazy, and all seem to lack any real individuality. But this isn’t a fault of the writers, its just that they’re all just products of the world they live in. Even Greg is starting to just do what he’s told and exist in this blissful utopia. He only really disobeys it when he discovers that romantic relationships in this world are all predetermined by the automated voices. And Greg doesn’t want a new Romantic relationship. Especially not with any of these people that can’t make decisions on their own. I wont spoil how this one ends either so lets move on to the finale. 

btw, I DO spoil the finale. If you havent’ watched it, just know that its very good and you should watch it. 

The final episode begins Greg and Steven being captured by the Amethysts aboard the Zoo. The have our Amethyst as well, who plays like she’s being held captive before revealing she has befriended them all since the last time we saw her. It turns out that all Earth Gems are about as unruly and immature as our Amethyst is. There’s even a Jasper and a Carnelian from the Beta kindergarten mixed in. The whole gang is delightful, and I wish we got to spend more time with them, but we really only get enough time to see how accepted our Amethyst really is among the rest of the misfits and freaks from Earth. From there, the squad helps hide Steven and Greg from Holly Blue long enough to get them to a large room where we see a bunch of bubbled Rose Quartzes. As they make their way across the giant room, a couple suitably giant gems come in. Blue Diamond and Yellow Diamond. Blue is still depressed about Pink, and Yellow is attempting to cheer her up, so they can get rid of the Roses and the Earth, and move on. 

She sings a song, accompanied by Blue and Yellow Pearl. I dont like it that much. Yellow Diamond’s singing voice annoys me, and Deedee is definitely better as regular Pearl. But, its still really good for what it is, and it allows us to see into Yellow Diamond’s head a little. The Pearls are really fun as well. I love how Yellow Pearl is so opposite of ours. She glories in her diamond’s arrogant sass, and feels so honored whenever she’s addressed, no matter how demeaning the task she’s commanded to do. 

That aside, Greg and Steven regroup with the rest of the squad, and they all manage to make it past the Diamonds without incident. They make it back to the docking bay, and almost make it into the Roving eye, but are caught by Holly Blue. We get a quick fight scene, but its mostly just the Gems showing off. The Agate is apparently more bark than bite, and her squad of Amethysts don’t do much to help, as they’re rooting for their friends over their hated boss. Pearl gets the last laugh, telling Holly Blue why it’d be a bad idea for her to reveal to the Diamonds what just happened, and they fly off into the sunset.

Its a great arc. Definitely bigger and more intense than almost any arc before it, but at the same time, some of the episodes, the second especially, seem really slow. Theyre all just kind of building, and then the last episode, while really great, just kinda wraps up all that setup. Its really great, and it leaves room for the rest of season 4 to be even bigger and more amazing. 

I really hope we see the humans and the Earth Gems of the Zoo again. I imagine we’ll have to, since all the Rose Quartzes are bubbled there. All three groups are native to Earth, and I’d love to see them all return there sometime. But... we’ll see. 

This was a great arc, and a step in a wonderful new direction for the show. Can’t wait for more. 

[mistsinthenight]

This is a personal post. I should really just write on the journal about this, but I don't want to go get it this late and I need to get this out of my system. I'm talking about friendships mostly lost over time and coming out. I'll put it under a read more when I can get to the computer.

.

.

.

.

.

Tonight I went to a pizza place with my friends from high school, for someone's birthday. Last time we met was two months ago, for another friend's birthday. These gatherings include the five of us plus their boyfriends and a few other acquaintances of mine (friends of theirs) from school.

I left home late because dad wanted me to wait for mom to get home, but I waited a half hour after I was ready to go and she wasn't coming, so I just went. So I got there later than everyone else, and I didn't get to be there for the initial conversation of how have you been what's going on in your life rn and stuff. People were talking and I could barely hear them because I was sitting far and the place was noisy, so I was just focusing on the food, and when I wasn't eating I was... existing there, and my mood only brightened up when I gave into temptation and started scrolling tumblr. The high point of my night were those few minutes when we went to the bathroom and I actually talked to them for a bit. And I talked a little bit after one of them left and I got to sit closer (I was sitting on the edge of the table because I got there late), too, but it didn't last. That's when I clearly realized, not for the first time, that I don't belong there anymore. It's sad to think about it, but I don't belong there anymore. And on the way back, when Never Been In Love started playing, as I sung along from the top of my lungs, I had half a mind to send them a link to the translated lyrics and tell them to google 'aromanticity'. But I chickened out because I'm not ready to have that conversation, even if over text. I half wanted to send it to the group chat, just to get it done with in one go, but no one ever talks about things there, so it would be easier if I just texted them individually. Easier, and harder at the same time. I wouldn't even want to talk to all of them about it. If I'm being honest, it's just one of them that I'd feel somewhat comfortable mentioning that to, the one I used to be closest to. And incidentally, I actually tried to come out to her once, and truthfully I just mentioned it in passing, but of course she just thought I was joking and laughed it off. I let it go because I didn't want to make it a thing. And tonight, she was the one who asked jokingly about me having a boyfriend, and I thought about doing it. But I really didn't want to make it a thing. So I didn't. I thought I was fine with them not knowing, just the other day I thought "I'm not gonna go out of my way to say it, it's fine if they don't know. I'm not going to lie if they ask anything, but I won't make it a thing to just come out to them unprompted." But then this happened tonight and it was the kind of question that I could've answered by saying "actually, I'm aromantic (and asexual, btw), so no, I do not have a boyfriend (or a girlfriend, for the matter) and I won't ever have one". And I wanted to. I really did. But I chickened out. And I actually have good answers for when people say that it's "just a phase" and that "don't worry sweety, you'll find the right person". I could've come out to them tonight, but I would've had to explain what everything is because they don't know shit about this, and they'd most likely still think that I was 'making it up' and 'just wanted attention' and I really didn't want to have to go through that with them. This friendship has already faded away because we didn't keep in contact with each other - I fail miserably at that, but they haven't done much either - and I don't want it to be completely over because I tried to tell them something about myself that they don't understand, and hadn't ever thought could be a thing people experience. And I know that it's completely possible that I'm just afraid of this and it doesn't happen - I could tell them, and after I explained things they could understand and be cool and support me - but damn, I don't think I'm brave enough to do it yet. I don't know if I ever will be. It would be different if I'd known back in high school, but I figured out that I'm aro last year, two years after senior year, well after we'd grown apart, and that I'm ace three months ago. In high school, I still thought I was straight, hah.