#this was supposed to be a rant about how i think arthur and mary’s relationship would’ve changed if they had modern technology

[largestbassproshopintheus]

my modern arthur isn’t allowed to have a happy and healthy relationship with charles. i give him on-and-off hookups with mary that involve a lot of fucking and crying, and a situationship with charles so painfully awkward you’d have to physically leave the room from second-hand embarrassment

[amatchforyourmadness]

How to you feel about each of Henry's wives?

Are you ready for a huge text? Cause you getting it.I’ll be giving my thoughts in the order in which the marriages took place, but I’ll be putting their ranking in my affections by their name just in case I talk too much without saying anything.

Catherine of Motherfuckin Aragon (#2 ) → I do not have words enough to express how much I respect and admire this woman, despite how many things I disagree or am not overly fond of on her behaviour/way of thinking. And I don’t mean just being a Queen until her very last day or enduring what Henry put her through with grace and poise, I mean even before she walked out of that judgment without Henry’s permission, I mean managing to thrive despite having her father-in-law against her after the death of Arthur. This woman was the first female spanish ambassador to England. This woman, after marrying Henry, when he decided to go fight in France and left her to rule his kingdom, C R U S H E D a rebellion with the same effort someone would take to make a sandwich. AND THEN SHE SENF THE LEADER OF THE REBELLION’S BLOODY CLOAK TO HER HUBBIE IN FRANCE ALONG WITH A LOVE LETTER IN WHICH IT’S IMPLIED SHE SAID SHE WAS PREGNANT. THIS WOMAN DESERVES SO MUCH MORE PRAISE, @ EVERYONE STOP MAKING HER AN OLD WOMAN AND A PRUDE, THIS BITCH HAD CLAWS FOR AGES—

Anne Boleyn (the baddest bitch that you can’t even) ( #1 ) →Despite my passionate rant about CoA, Anne is still (how my quotes and my fic may suggest) my favourite from all of the wives and I feel terrible about her more than undeserved fate. This girl had the brains, had the looks, had the sharp tongue and had the temper that would have made her an icon of our age, had she only been born in our times. The Other Boleyn Girl and other period pieces as well as some historians tend to make her the ‘whore’ of the early triangle that was formed when Henry (the true whore) decided to get rid of Catherine in favour of his younger beloved, but she was far from it. This girl brought a nation to it’s knees, she was the alleged reason for a King to break with the church of Rome and had a full reformation on the country without opening her legs until they were married and that’s a fact. She was very kind and attentive of her friends, ladies-in-waiting and family and I think this is unfortunately lost in the Whore Narrative in favour of overexagerating the jealousness she was sure to feel in the latest years, putting her against every female character one could to have some more conflict in a book and make her more of a lustful, cruel she-devil (Yes, I see you Philippa. I see you. You too, Wolf Hall). However, I do think her role often times is exaggerated in another aspect: She was by no means the leader of the Boleyn Faction, although she had some considerable half of the decisions made to get them where they rose to, the head of the faction were Thomas and George (I can make a whole rant about how this boy doesn’t get half of the value he’s supposed to get) and she wasn’t the whole reason behind any of what Henry did either, she was used as an excuse. I think we shouldn’t either make her the epitome of a Mary Sue with underlines of a bad temper or the scheming bitch that got the crown; She was a human being, and I intend to write her that way as the chapters of The Wives’ Club progress.

Jane Seymour (#6 )  → You can imagine very well why she’s my lowest ranking wive and why I won’t have much to say about her. I deeply dislike Jane and I make no attempt on hiding it. Her reputation being almost sanctified when she had a worse behaviour than Anne during her courtship of the King is deeply infuriating, even more when I think Anne and five other innocent men had their head chopped off due to untruthful allegations only so Henry could place a crown on her head (which actually never happened, she never got a coronation. That makes me slightly happier). She did not have much attractive qualities to redeem their role on the suffering of the previous wive like others did and her decisions weren’t hers as much as they were her brothers’. I dislike her son, finding Edward the most dislikeable of Henry’s kids, her attempts of bringing Mary back into favour were okayish, she all but ignored Elizabeth’s existence and her reign was short and unremarkable. Overall, my least favourite, no doubt.

Anne of Cleves (#3 ) → BABY GIRL. BABY. ICONIC. BEAUTIFUL. ASTOUNDING. SHOW STOPPING. WHAT ELSE CAN I SING OF PRAISE, IDK. ANNE VON KLEVES IS THE WOMAN YOU SHALL RESPECT OR YOU SHALL RESPECT, THERE’S NO OTHER WAY. Let’s start setting one thing straight, this woman was b e a u t i f u l. An absolute snacc. Henry can go fuck right off. You made two of your wives whores, another a sinner and a liar and now you make this one the ugly one? Why don’t you marry a sex doll then, you piece of shit? “The king was so stout that such a man has never been seen,” reported a visitor to court. “Three of the biggest men that could be found could get inside his doublet.” She had waaay more reason to complain than you! He claimed she was not a virgin, yet she asked if he kissing her good night and good morning in her chambers was not enough to be considered consumation of the wedding! At least she didn’t ever need to be under that giant glob you called belly! Okay, I’m going to chill. Anne was undoubtedly the most successful of Henry’s wives, yes, even more than Parr. She was not well versed in singing, dancing or music, due to her education in the Cleves fashion, not in the English, being a pragmatic woman versated in needlework and house management. When the short time of their marriage came to an end and they were declared not truthfully married, she wrote a letter of compliance to the King, knowing full well she was being cast out because Henry lusted her lady-in-waiting, Katherine Howard, and, differently of CoA, setting herself as a faithful servant of Henry’s will. What did that mean? It meant that Henry had finally stepped out of a marriage without a fuss to it and he was more than thankful. She got money to spare, all of her jewels, inumetous mannord and castles and an income that could make us cry over our petty salaries, she was held up as his sister, having only he, himself and his children take precedence to her and she had the most amicable of relationships with him and KH after the whole thing. They visited her and she visited them, all was well. She ended outliving Henry, Katherine Howard, Catherine Parr and Edward Tudor, having died a calm death in one of her castle’s after living a Queen’s life without having to be married to no King at fucking all! Even Mary, that opposed her Protestant views held her in such high regard she gave the woman a royal funeral. This bitch had held a mini-court in all of her residences and she honestly had the best live of all of the wives. I can only congratulate her. Anne of Cleves was the most successful wive, fight me.

Katherine Howard ( #5 ) → Oh, this poor baby. Poor, poor baby. I would rank her higher in the list if I could solely because of how people view her to this day. She was but a teenager that got executed by a love affair that I’m not even sure if really took place because,,,, everyone knows Anne’s story by then??? It’s recent history???? It’s known???? Why would you do this????? But there is so much proof??? Kitty baby, why???? and is called an empty-headed fool by many, and I mean MANY, people in the most unfair of ways. She wasn’t a remarkable queen either in the matters of her reign, but she was kind and gentle and an absolute joy for what’s written in the records of our history. She and Mary did not go along so well (probably because Mary was probably having Anne flashbacks), but Elizabeth and Edward did quite enjoy her as a stepmother. I don’t forget either how she and Anne of Cleves remained friendly after the divorce, having danced all through the night of the day it was made official as Henry retreated to his chambers to sleep, writing each other letters, visiting and lunching with each other. The dignity with which she faced her death is also uncanny, leading me to believe bravery and unfair fates are both traces of the Howard blood she and Anne shared. I wished she could have had a happier life and is not a random choice have her be the center of the TWC’s plot.

Catherine Parr (#4 ) → I confess I did not read or had as much interest on her as the others, although I have read more of her than I read of Jane. She was a smart woman and, although she married the Seymour Fuckboy and people single her out as the Nurse of Old Henry ™, she was one of the best Consorts an english king could have had, no doubt. She managed to strike a good relationship with all the three kids, she was fair and justice-driven, Elizabeth’s life was brightest with her and I can only say that she is the one to be called saint if she put up with Henry Tudor as an old overweight man nearing death and with paranoias swirling around his head like fishes in an aquarium. I will read more about her to have a better portrayal to the fic, but she’s still earned my respect and admiration.

Well… I warned it would be long hahahaha!I hope it was somewhat revealing to you and that I didn’t got you bored in the meantime.Any other questions you may have, feel free to ask them!

[hall-of-merlin2]

Magic, Monsters and Merthur - 1x01 - (Monsters)

Hello hello. Welcome back.

By monsters I used to mean the magical creatures of the episode, like the afanc, the fomorroh and so on and so on.

But... I kind of realized that there aren’t that many monsters in the show. Not in every episode, at least, sometimes it’s just... people doing shitty things with magic.

*gasp*

I said, dramatically. What if... the people... are the MONSTERS?!?!?!?!?

Not a... An amazing revelation, since... Well, since season 4 I realized just how much I actually talk about the villains. I like the villains, surprisingly, when I know that in the end they don’t win. First time through, I was fuming literally every episode, wishing someone killed the bastards already.

During the re-watch? I started admiring them, and what they did, and their thought process. Call me a psychopath, but if I know that my boy Merlin and my sunshine Arthur don’t actually get permanently hurt by the big bad of the episode, I’m able to just sit back and relax, think of it as a battle of wits instead of screeching at my screen to someone fucking notice the villain.

I like battles of wit.

Sadly, I don’t usually have much to say about the villain. Most of it comes down to the magic they use, and I decided to make a separate post for that, so...

How about I throw in a few character moments too? Just to... Not make this post 2 paragraphs long.

I think I managed that and more already...

OH WAIT I JUST REALIZED I HATE KILGHARRAH.

HELL YEAH LET’S TALK ABOUT BITCH ASS OVERGROWN LIZARD.

AND UTHER!

OH I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THE MAIN BIG BADS. HELL YEAH, THIS PART OF THE RE-WATCH IS NOT GOING TO BE EMPTY WHATSOEVER.

(I get really fired up at times... Please understand that I am ranting to a fictional character that will never actually hear me, and knowing that doesn’t dim my anger, it does the opposite since I know they can’t retaliate :))

<_><_><_>

“No young man, no matter how great...

Can know his destiny.

He cannot glimpse his part in the great story that is about to unfold...

Like everyone, he must live... and learn.”

00:09

Already, ALREADY, not even a MINUTE into the FIRST EPISODE, Kilgharrah is contradicting himself.

How the fuck can anyone think this dragon is anything but a manipulative little shit that has his own unknown agenda.

Fuck Kilgharrah.

NOT EVEN A MINUTE IN.

(I just thought that maybe Kilgharrah means it literally when he says "man", as in, human.

BUT I THREW THAT OUT THE WINDOW BECAUSE THEN KILGHARRAH WOULDN'T TELL MERLIN'S DESTINY TO HIM, SINCE MERLIN IS STILL A MAN, "HOWEVER GREAT".)

<_><_><_>

02:14

Let’s start the “Uther is a sick fuck” book early.

Butchering a man, and then calling it a “lesson”? Yep.

<_><_><_>

02:42

You think Uther does this whole speech every time he orders someone to be hanged, just to stroke his own ego?

I believe it.

Prick.

<_><_><_>

08:56

Why is the chopping block still there? Don’t they dismantle the execution areas after the execution?

Are there more people scheduled to be killed later or is Uther just that afraid someone’s going to overthrow him and keeps his “intimidation” block to try and fail to prevent it?

Uther’s a sick fuck anyways.

<_><_><_>

<_><_><_>

“Uther made it his mission to destroy everything from back then, even the dragons.”

“All of them?”

“There was one dragon he chose not to kill. Kept it as an example.”

21:11

One for the “Uther is a sick fuck” book!

<_><_><_>

26:17

And who tells him he’s supposed to stay a nobody, a servant pushed around and berated constantly, to this little insecure bean who is incredibly confused about everything that’s happening to him, just to fulfill some bullshit “destiny” of his?

Kilgharrah.

Fuck Kilgharrah.

<_><_><_>

32:24

Fucking hell Kilgharrah...

Just two days ago he was talking some shit about “nO OnE cAn KnOw ThEiR dEsTiNy” and now he’s just outright saying what’s going to happen.

FUCK IT IF IT’S THE ONLY WAY FOR THOSE THINGS TO COME TRUE, THIS IS MANIPULATIVE AND THE WAY OF A HYPOCRITE IT IS NO BETTER THAN UTHER AND WHAT HAPPENS LATER ON DOES NOT EXCUSE THIS PRICK, BECAUSE THE NOW IS NOW AND RIGHT NOW ALL I’M SEEING IS ONE BITCH ASS OVERGROWN LIZARD BEING A SLAVE TO HIS OWN PROPHECIES.

<_><_><_>

33:22

Perhaps it is not someone’s duty to change someone for the better, because a relationship where someone is a slave to the other is not healthy and inherently abusive.

This should be more hated, the fact that this is how Merlin and Arthur got to be their dynamic duo. But since it’s not, I’m just going to keep seething here in my corner about how Merlin was never allowed to be his own person, to try to become great simply because of his magic and unite Albion all on his own, instead was thrown an identity that didn’t even suit him and just barely got by not losing himself completely, which you could say he managed to do only up until season 5, maybe 4.

Just the fact that everything could have gone in a much more different direction and the fact that MERLIN NEVER ACTUALLY NEEDED ARTHUR to be himself or do magic or save all of Camelot repeatedly makes me froth at the mouth and forced me to make that theory you read before you dove into this. That there were two prophecies of how Albion was united, and only one of them spoke of Merlin being under a boot for years and years. The other was made solely for me to cope with this shit and think of a better way for Albion to be united – since that seems to be the focus here, not Arthur becoming king. Arthur could have been thrown aside and Merlin could have been the benevolent sorcerer king who brought peace to everything, but nO.

Justice for Merlin. My boy deserved way better than this.

AND THE TRIUMPHANT TITLE MUSIC PLAYS RIGHT HERE I FUCKING CAN’T THIS IS WHAT’S TRIUMPHANT – MERLIN BEING SOLD TO ARTHUR BY A FUCKING DRAGON HUH???

…

As you can quite clearly see…

I really hate how Merlin ended up as a servant.

But I come around quickly because Arthur isn’t a complete prat all the time and he doesn’t abuse Merlin like he could if he truly hated him. I come around to this whole thing as quickly as Arthur does – by episode 2.

<_><_><_>

38:56

Anyone else kinda bothered she didn’t even try to hide the body? Well I know that what she’s about to do will probably result in her death or at least jail time, and it doesn’t even matter if they also find a dead body in her chambers and put two and two together, but like… What if someone walked in before it was time to leave and go do her one-in-a-lifetime performance and they caught her? Would she have killed them too? Would she also have left their body just lying there and people kept coming, and she kept killing them, until there was a whole pile and someone would eventually come by looking for all the dead people and they’d see it and they’d scream and then more people would be alerted and her plan would go to shit?

Just an… Alternate universe idea. Would have been a hilarious first episode.

<_><_><_>

39:12

What if Uther just dropped a ton of cloth on himself, called it fashionable and hanged anyone who dared point out how ridiculous it is?

<_><_><_>

Heh... Mostly about Kilgharrah, huh? Yeah... I can’t wait for season 5, just to watch this old fuck wither away.

Fuck Kilgharrah. There’s a reason that’s a tag.

Also, a thing.

The Villain List

1. Mary Collins (what a surprise...)

It’s episodic villains, for now. The true evil is too much to be compared to these cute witchy-poos...

<_><_><_>

The Magic

The Merthur

[jigglymoof]

Season 7 is coming to an end and I have a few thoughts about it.

Gane of thrones is a great show no doubt about it, but there are certain things that have happened in past two seasons that have kinda annoyed me.

*Spoiler* warning even though, I don’t really think it includes spoilers (you never know ;))

1. Rhaegar Targaryen, Lyanna Stark and Elia Martell.

Alright, this is a big one. Lemme get this straight.

PEOPLE NEED TO STOP ROMANTICISING RHAEGAR AND LYANNA.

Rhaegar Targaryen was a nut job. He wanted three heads of a dragon so since his wife could no longer give birth, he smoothly kidnapped a younger girl. Not only did he marry her he practically disowned his children.(when a marriage is annulled, the children become bastards) HIS OWN DAMN CHILDREN. Like Lyanna is oh so high and might as well right?

I used to really like Lyanna maybe because in the books she was compared to Arya, but had she been like Arya, she wouldn’t have allowed it. The Starks have honour, Lyanna didn’t. But I can’t really blame her, when a prince promises you the world at such an young age. You can’t help it. (Yes. Lyanna was sixteen)

And as of Elia Martell, I love her charecter. She deserved so much better. I was hoping she’d find someone else as well. It would have made more sense.

2. Dorne

Let’s admit it, when Oberyn made an appearance in season 4 he was the best and made Dorne seem like a perfect place. And if you look into it, Dorne is actually a pretty cool place to be. They are witty, diverse(salty, stony and sandy dornishmen) and open-minded and they know how to have fun (wink wink) while they also have one of the best warriors.

But through out the series (books+shows) Dorne has become Westros’ official punching bag. In the show, house Martell is practically extinct and other dornish houses are okay with it?!

Major Charecters of Dorne namely Oberyn, Elia, Arthur, Ashara have been through shit and have all died a very sad death.

And also the storyline of Dorne. What the fuck were the writers thinking. Not only did they turn Dorne into a shitty place, they completely removed charecters like Arianne and ruined the development arc of Jaime and Bronn along the way It should be -

#MakeDorneGreatAgain

Also what about Ellaria? Is she dead? what happens to Dorne next?

3. The Incest.

Incest is wrong. Period.

And GRRM proved it clearly. It was incest that caused the War of Five Kings, had Jaime and Cersei not been caught doing the deed. None of this shit would’ve gone down. Had Jaime and Cersei not banged, Jon Arryn would still be alive and this shithead Joffery wouldn’t have been born.

Similar with the Targaryens, it is obvious that it was the incestuous interbreeding that had caused them to become mad Aerys and Viserys. Rhaegar in my opinion was a mad man as well, he wasn’t hyper but he was obsessed with prophecies that would eventually lead to madness later in his life if he’d survived.

So now that we have this cleared.

STOP SHIPPING JON AND DAENERYS FFS PPL!

“Yeah but they are not siblings, he’s her nephew”

Yeah so?

It’s still Incest!

And please what’s with these ship wars? Has GoT become the a vampire diaries now?

GoT was never about “romance” it was about power play, manipulation and complex relationships between conflicted characters. And now I feel like the show runners are trying to shove down JonxDany down our throats. I always knew that when Jon and Dany would meet they would have a connection.

A platonic one. Which would make them respect each other and acknowledge the hardships they have been through. But no they got to fall in love, have sex on a boat and make magic babies yay!

No. It’s not supposed to be like that. It’s to obvious and too cliché. Jon and Dany have clashing personalities, even if they got together they wouldn’t last.

For jaime and cersei, it was always cersei who had been dominant and manipulative while Jaime had been the psychologically submissive one. That’s why it worked. But I don’t support them either and I will never support Jon and Dany, yet it may be an honest mistake since they don’t know about their ties as a family. But. That should be the show runner’s responsibility, on how they should write the characters.

3. The Lannisters

Jaime has always been my favourite character, so I had to express my concerns related to him.

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO HIS REDEMPTION ARC?!

Why is he still with his sister, why hasn’t someone knocked sense into him, geez. Now, Tyrion Lannister. This guy seriously needs to standup against the shit that Dany is doing. Yeah don’t give me that ‘but it’s war’ crap. Ik that it’s war, but killing people just so that they accept u as your queen is just dumb. Like Tywin Lannister had said, the person who constantly establishes the fact that they are king/queen aren’t actually true rulers. And what’s with that reunion scene with him and Jaime. It was so bad, where was the angst! I mean they were so close. Oh right. Developed family relationships are not relevant anymore! Let’s add some more of that JonxDany instead. Let’s get the fangirls alll riled up. Cersei Lannister. She’s mad. Yes she’s as mad as Dany. Yes she is way more cruel. But both of them are ‘mad’ for the throne and to rise above others to rule them. Both of them have different ways of execution but their goal is the same. The pregnancy was unnecessary. And I bet she’s not going to have the baby. I have nothing else to say about Cersei. She and Qyburn make the evilest pair in westeros.

4. Azor Ahai

The prince who was promised, saviour of the realm yada yada yada. The story of Azor Ahai is pretty interesting and it is something I really want to see on the show, but at the rate at which they are shoving Jon and Dany heroism down our throats, I feel like the Azor Ahai is going to be either one of them(and if it’s not then I’ll be the happiest person in this world) because fan service has become a thing.

5. Please don’t make everyone a friggin Targaryen

Please. Just. No Two targs is all I can handle. With the theory of Tyrion being a Targaryen, it’s really annoying me. What’s so special about being a Targaryen? I hope Tyrion remains a Lannister as probably both Jaime and Cersei will die and I don’t want that house to go extinct. Tbh. I was disappointed when I got to know that Jon is a Targaryen. I was hoping that maybe just maybe he was Ashara’s kid and that’s why he’d been soo good at swordfighting but nuuuuu *insert valley girl voice* Targaryens super cool you know so we’re gonna make him one as well hahahaha.

6. Brandon Stark WTF man

Remember Bran Stark that cute kid who was pushed out of a tower by this evil blonde knight. Well it seems like he’s become a COMPLETE JERK I was so disappointed with this conversations with Meera (whom I love. Yes, I go gay for her). I mean Meera deserved so much more than that damn thank you, ugh!

7. Sansa

You go gurl *sobs happily*

So this was my rant. I have been holding back for SOOO long now here it is. Every character is well written. No hate on any of them (except you, Mary Sue, Daenerys Targaryen)