#this was supposed to be a cute little pbj moment

[made-my-peace-with-all-the-bad]

I Ponyboy yapped in my notes:

Ponyboy always knew he was different. But he didn’t know why, at least not until he was about 12.

Before that, he just knew that he loved Paul Newman, movies, and books. But then his friends started talking to girls. And he just didn’t care to. Sure there were some pretty ones, but he never looked at them and thought about kissing them or holding them or anything like that. Besides, why would he want to when he could go see the newest movies with his best friend.

But when he’s almost 13, he starts to get why. He notices when his eyes linger just a bit too long on Paul Newman. He notices how his chest tightens and his stomach flutters when his hand grazes his best friend. He notices that things people talked about doing with girlfriends were things he wanted to do with his best friend. And then it hits him. He’s not like everyone else. He doesn’t like girls. He likes boys.

And that fear takes a grasp on Pony for a long time. It’s not until after Johnny dies that Pony really tells Soda about their plans. It’s late at night, when Pony just starts talking. He tells Soda everything. He tells him about their dream of running off, about their house, about the golden hills and growing gardens. And when Soda asks him if he was in love with Johnny he hesitates. Because he didn’t really feel like he was in love with Johnny. He just wanted to have a life together. But how does he explain that to his brother? How does he say “oh no, we weren’t in love, we just wanted to be together for the rest of our lives”. Because what he and Johnny had made sense to only them. So, Soda accepts that answer.

But then he has to tell Darry. And how does he, a skinny 15 year old with such big dreams, tell his older brother, who he’s looked up to forever, that he’s queer? How would Darry even react? And Pony knows that Darry loves him, but would he still love him if he knew he was like this? It’s not like Darry would get it, after all, to Pony, Darry was about as straight, white, and masculine as they come.

So it’s not until a Wednesday night, long after Pony should be asleep, that he comes into the kitchen, looking oddly fully dressed. And at the sight of him, Darry is immediately put on guard. Because why the hell is his kid brother looking scared, while dressed like he’s about to go out despite it being almost two in the morning. But Darry can’t get angry, no, he learned that the hard way. So he sighs, pushes back his chair and comes up to Pong, keeping his voice gentle and asking “hey honey, what’re you doin up still?” And just at hearing his brother’s gentle tone, Pony starts to tear up. Because that may be the last time he ever hears his brother talk to him with love. And so Pony takes a deep breath, steadies himself against the table, but not unprepared to run in case his brother really hates queer people. And he just starts rambling, so much so to the point where Darry has to stop him with a tight hug, Pony just about sobbing into his chest. All Darry can hear is a repeat of mumbled apologies from Pony, and his heart breaks. Because this is how his brother feels, his baby brother thinks he needs to stand here and apologize for liking guys over girls and then the realization hits Darry. Ponyboy was prepared to run away again. That’s how scared he was that Darry wouldn’t love and accept him. And that makes Darry tear up. When he pulls back and holds Pony by the shoulders and just tells him that he loves him, and that they’re a lot more similar than Pony thinks. And soon enough, Soda comes into the dim kitchen, rubbing sleep from his eyes and taking in the sight of his brothers crying while holding eachother, and at that he flings himself into their little group and holds them tight.