#this was really late its like 11 pm here oops

[itzjustcami]

REALLY REALLY LATE

happy cake day to me

[bitchassbucky]

.exe

Word Count: 2.4k

Warning/s: stalkers, bucky being a creepo, reader being a creepo. dark!IT!bucky x dark!reader :-) female & male masturbation, voyeurism (i think), cyber crimes being committed.

A/N: this is my birthday gift to @babyboibucky <3 to my boo, I love you and you have a special place in my heart. this is gonna be a multi-part thing, it's too long to be considered as a one-shot, oops.

please enjoy! :D

follow the CTRL series:

i - .exe

ii - .avi

iii - .raw

iv - .png

v - .zip

CTRL playlist

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4:49 PM

Just 11 more minutes until he can pack his bags up for the weekend.

One new ticket - URGENT

Goddamn it.

Bucky pulled his earphones out in annoyance, just another office idiot who doesn’t know how to print A4 sheets. If the office were to be held hostage and printing out was the only thing that can save them, half of the floor would be dead.

The new name caught his eye, Y/N Y/L. A new hire, it seems like.

Subject: One new ticket - URGENT

Hi, this is Y/N, employee number 0008675309. I’m new here and was told to send a ticket for the equipment request.

Thank you and have a great weekend!

Oh, Bucky’s gonna have a great weekend indeed. Out of pure curiosity, he’s already pulled up your employee file. A cute smile to a cute name. His annoyance dispersing already, just by thinking of ways how he can spend time with you.

Hey, Y/N! Bucky types into the text field, Welcome to the company. I’m Bucky and I got assigned to help you get settled. Do you prefer having a desktop or a laptop? I’ve attached a form in this thread, send it to me once you’re done.

Have an awesome weekend too!

As much as he hates sending out chirpy emails, he can’t help but to smile when you immediately send a reply back.

Thanks, Bucky! So sorry for sending in the request super late. Got caught up with the onboarding. Is it okay if I use my laptop until we can get a unit to my place? PC or laptop is fine with me.

Best,

Y/N

Bucky fights off another smile, rubbing his hand over his stubbled cheek as he carefully types out a reply. Unlike other days, he doesn’t mind staying beyond 5 PM today. It’s not like he has other plans for his Friday night.

No worries, Y/N. He’s already loving your name. Happy to help!

Do you have your laptop with you? I can set it up before you go home for the weekend. I can probably send in the ticket to the guys so you can have your work equipment next week.

His deft fingers are dancing over his mechanical keyboard, clacking away while the clock ticks closer to the weekend.

A ping, another reply from you. You’re new, you’re still excited to make friends in the office. If you only knew how stupid they are, though.

Yeah! I have it on me right now. I actually work on the same floor, I can drop it off there right now.

Bucky glances around his office, looking for any reflective surface he can check himself on. He runs his hand through his hair, taming any stubborn locks that fell out of his low bun. His shirt hangs just right against his huge frame, his pants hugging his figure, accentuating his silhouette even more.

Just as the clock ticks 5:00, a soft knock raps against his door, “come in!”

You are cuter, prettier in person. Your perfume hits his nose and he’s floored—metaphorically.

“Mr. Barnes,” you say, your demeanor somewhat meek and shy. Well, of course, you are. Your frame is nothing against the hunk of the man who just stood up to greet you.

“Bucky.” He prompts, smiling. You reciprocated the smile, but you really weren’t sure what to expect. Maybe a scrawny little dude mousing away on a keyboard?

“Bucky, thank you so much for doing this. I know you’d rather get off of work since it’s Friday and all.”

He hums, taking your laptop in his hands. You notice the rings adorning his fingers—complementing his tanned skin tone and—it’s not appropriate to stare at a stranger’s hand.

Heat creeps up your face as he turns to look at the stickers stuck to your laptop, “you know, I like this band.” Bucky says, pointing to an old sticker, he carefully sets down your laptop on his workstation.

“They’re great,” you muse, taking a seat on a plastic chair by the door.

You take a gander around his small office. There was nothing out of the ordinary but the big black server blinking at the back, so why do you feel trapped?

“Sorry about the temp, we have to keep the room cold for the server in the back,” Bucky explains, noticing how your arms are crossed over your chest. The skirt you’re wearing isn’t doing you any better too.

You stammer out an it’s okay with a small smile.

Bucky worked on your computer quietly, using a USB stick to load all the applications you need to set up a temporary work account on your laptop. After a few minutes, he beckoned you to come here. You scoot over to his desk, rolling the chair forward and beside him. Not too close though.

“So, this note has all your generated passwords. Type those into the app when you first log in, then you can change it if you want to.” Bucky explains, the cursor idles on the screen. He tries not to get too close to you, to give you personal space. It’s a professional workplace after all.

“This app,” he drags a window, pulling up an application, “tracks your hours and your keystrokes. It’s company-mandated because managers want to micro-manage their people, I guess.” Bucky shrugs, his disdain showing through his voice. His tone shifting lower than what you’d expected.

“Sorry, I just hate their new protocol,” his face and voice softening as he looks at you, “it’s a total privacy breach if you ask me.”

You’d normally disagree but something tells you that maybe he’s got a point. Your breath hitched in your throat as he leans closer as if to whisper something, “this note right here? It’s a nifty thing, a little script so your computer doesn’t go to sleep when you’re away. It enables and disables your numlock pad so it counts as a keystroke.”

A smirk finds its place on your face, “well, that’s…something, isn’t it?”

Never in your life would you find yourself flirting with a co-worker but there’s something about Bucky that made you excited. Interested. Intrigued.

Bucky nods, rolling his chair away to fetch a pad of sticky notes. “Another thing from your friendly neighborhood IT guy,” he peels off a leaf and sticks it on your laptop’s built-in camera, “keep your cam covered.”

You give him a chuckle and a playful salute, “yes, sir.”

Bucky’s a modern man. He sees a pretty girl and he gets giddy. He talks to a pretty girl and he gets flustered. But you—you make him feel more than giddy and flustered. There was something familiar about you, and your eyes. Has he seen you before? Met you, even? No, that’s impossible—if he had met you before, he’d surely remember you.

It was 5:34 PM when he gave you your laptop back and sent in an urgent request for your equipment. While taking down the elevator to the lobby, Bucky gave you a few tips on how to ‘survive’ working in the office. According to him, as far as you go in on time and kept your head above the rumors, you’d do fine.

He asked about your first week and he told you about this joint near the building that serves the best burgers and fries.

You’ve got a good feeling that you just made your first friend.

—

The sun was already setting down when you pulled into your apartment’s parking lot. At the very last minute, you turned into a drive-through and got some food on the go. The side trip took out 10 minutes of your time but at least you dodged the awful traffic that was building up by the highway.

Along with your laptop bag and your food, you trudge up to your third-floor apartment. It wasn’t what you wanted—the windows faced the street, the screen door doesn’t lock all the way—but it’s the one you got. As long as it’s got four walls and a roof, right?

You slip out of your work clothes and into some comfy jammies after a rewarding shower; the sooner you can get your food heat up, the sooner you can eat, and drink and then go to sleep.

So while waiting for the microwave to beep, you pry open your laptop. You told Bucky not to shut it down after he worked on it as to not lose your work on another profile, which he understood.

The work account he set up greeted you, along with the bright pink sticky note he stuck to your webcam. That wasn’t real, was it? All those cautionary tales of hackers using webcams to peep on you. Maybe he’s just trying to scare you, like some kind of initiation. Without a second thought, you took off the sticky note. It was kinda annoying anyway.

Clicking the Log Out Work button, your personal account popped into the frame. Your opened apps and documents displaying themselves for you to use. You pulled up Spotify and clicked on the first playlist you saw—which happened to be your intimate playlist.

Sure, the Pavlov reaction is real because halfway through the first song, you already found yourself getting all hot and bothered. This one’s your favorite song too.

You groan in annoyance, your food’s no longer a priority.

Picking up the laptop from the table, you walk to your bedroom, not bothering to shut the door. You live alone, it’s fine. You put the laptop on its loudest setting, setting it on your desk and you plopped down on your bed, the pillows and the comforter pooling on one side.

Your room is illuminated by a streak of light from the street. Your curtains flowing softly with the breeze that just came in.

Glancing at your laptop, you remembered Bucky. How his office smelled when you first walked in. How he stood tall when he greeted you. How he smiled. Those goddamn rings of his.

Before you caught yourself thinking rationally, your fingers are already splayed even over your thighs, caressing the soft flesh of your legs.

Bucky’s smirk and his cologne finding purchase in your fogged brain. Thoughts of him pulling you aside into his office to fool around—voices above hushed whispers as your skin erupts in goosebumps, the chilled air of his office finding its way up to your spine.

Oh, fuck it.

You undress fast, flinging your shirt over your head, dropping it somewhere below the bed. The air in your room making your nipples hard and erect as you pinch them. You breathe out a sigh, the heat of the moment creeping up your torso.

The material of your panties dampening as you imagine yourself bent over his desk, your skirt bunched over your hips as he laps your sopping cunt. Bucky’s tongue exploring your folds up and over until your pussy’s a quivering mess of drool and spit.

Your fingers slip past the band of your underwear. Even you surprised yourself by how wet you are.

God, you met him once and he’s already inching his way into your mind.

But who could blame you? You’ve been all over his Facebook profile when you learned his name via the office’s organizational chart. The first time you saw him, walking around the office with a laptop in his hands, you already knew you wanted to at least formally meet him. A scroll on his page, you found a band that you could tolerate listening to. (They’re okay, just not your taste in music.)

A plan came to mind when your department head told the team that you can work from home from time to time—only if you agreed to use a work laptop, a company-owned one. Your manager advised you to put in the request as soon as you can, for you to secure a unit before the on-hand supplies dwindle.

Deliberately sending in the request late—way, way later—than what your manager told you just so you could pull up the ‘new hire’ card and act dumb.

And it looked like he bought it too.

The image of him fucking you quiet while he grabs you from behind played inside your mind like a memory—a vision. Of how his thick cock would fill you up until your pussy is clenching around him. Would he pinch your throbbing clit, making you squirm and cream around him?

Your fingers are compared nothing to his, that’s for sure. But it does the work for now.

A breathy moan comes out of your mouth as you play with your clit, your cunt dripping down wetness as you continue to fondle your tits.

His hands would make a great addition to your chokers.

Your toes curl and your breath quickens, the coil in the pit of your stomach tightening—white-hot heat creeping up your limbs.

Oh, fuck, Bucky!

—

His ears perked up as he heard you moaning his name.

Bucky was busy watching you enjoy yourself when he got caught in the moment and decided to enjoy himself too.

He was barely keeping himself behaved when you first walked into the floor wearing a button-up and slacks that accentuated your backside. Bucky wished he was the one who gave you the tour and know your name for the first time, but that was impossible—he was in the IT department.

So when he got the news that new hires will be given the chance to work from home, he hoped that he gets to be the one to help you set up.

He was losing hope by the time he got your request, he thought that you opt not to work at home but then there you were, sending him an apologetic email on a late Friday afternoon.

Of course, he happily obliged. He even set up himself a little virtual camp in the background of your computer just so he can continue spending time with you.

Just thinking about you is already making him hard again. Bucky already came in hot spurts of white as he watched you desperately undress earlier. What can he say—he was waiting for you to show your tits already. As such, he correctly guessed that you’d be annoyed with the glaringly bright sticky note he used to ‘cover’ your webcam with.

But seeing you fingerfuck yourself all alone just wasn’t enough for him, he has to have you all by yourself.

[nonsensicaluniverse20]

Last night at around 11 pm - 1 am I watched @pixiecaps favorite movie, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. This movie fucked me up and made me feel weird. I liked it a little and the everything just makes me think so much

here are my thoughts and emotions during the film. Please don’t read if you don’t want spoilers and excuse my spelling. It was late and I was tired

I was enjoying their love and then he started crying in his car

This tech is so casually used it makes me wonder how it would be used in real life. We would jump at it so quickly. But heartbreak is what makes us human and produces human things. Art comes from heartbreak and experience

The shit is fucking surreal

Elijah wood is good at playing a weird character and Jim is good at an awkward character

Their relationship looked really good at the beginning but it seems tired and angry often. They want to love each other but also tear each other apart

They are going to pour something I know it

Patrick is too much for me. Pantie thief

That is horrifying no face uggjjjjhhhhh

Clementine is very insecure. She seems to get so angry when people can’t keep up. She fears and talks over

Not saying Joel is better. He doesn’t talk and shuts things down

They look like a good couple but they are like bundles of twisted wires, itching to snap.

These technicians do not give a fuck do they?

How do they get their jobs done at alllll

They had happy moments but the negative overwhelmed them :(

So surreal

Ohh patrick is a litttttle freaky thief

This memory scene is quite strange. I like her outfit tho

He’s off the map!

Pix are you sure this is not a horror movie? Their lack of faces are telling me otherwise

May i say i love the music and sound design

Also the transtions and weirdness! This feels like a new world but its the mind.

You think the snow was powdered sugar

I think mary also wants to fuck howard or she just really looks up to him

Howard seems like a well mannered man who cares

No offense but does any one really remember quotes like that well

Its too late for me fighting sleep for movie and hw

Oh she kissed him… so i was right! I’m great at predictions :)

Oop mary gets around huh

Howard! I had hope for you. Think about your wife and kids you nasty old wrinkly man

This is one disastrous night

Hehe he was caught and he’s in trouble

Im worried about Joel

Poor Mrs. Howard’s wife she has only been on screen for like 15 secs I feel for her. She is my favorite now maybe she just looks so worn down she hasn’t even spoken

She was here for one scene and she is just great. I wish she didn’t have to get hurt this way. And she just hits Stan, roasts her husband, and drives off! As she should, queen.

Poor mary she just felt old heartache. I do not like Howard at all. I hope pigeons eat his ass

Okay I get Clementine. At least she admits she’s fucked up. I wish they could have stayed happy

Everyone in this movie is fucked up tho hmmm

Fuck this procedure it’s dumb as fuck and hurts people

I despise ads let me watch my movie grrrrrr

One question was the beginning like the not going to work and talking on the train fake?

The spotlight on the face

I am not choking up with 17 mins left

Surreal beautiful heartbreaking scary. Human. That’s this film

“We’ll talk” but will they?

Oh oho oho is is the beginning after the wipe

It’s all coming together oh ho ho

Fuck patrick btw elijah wood did a greeat job

Why did i think it was a bite mark head in hands

Badass Mary chaotic but badass

Sure eharmony blah blah real love. Let me watch my movie

I am crying, i i blame you pix so much

Like i said before, this film is human. In a messy ugly way. In a surreal artistically beautiful way. It’s so real. We want to erase what hurt us but we end up coming back. We miss it because we loved it

[gh0stiegirlie]

Shitty Cooking — Katsuki Bakugou x Reader

Synopsis: You’re terribly shit at cooking; So bad, that you’re banned from cooking at U.A. all together. And when Bakugou sees your pathetic attempt to cook ramen one night, he can’t help but intervene.

Length: 4.8k words

A/n: Oop-- I’m aware I’m working on a series rn, but this idea popped in my head and was too cute not to write!

You know you’re not a great cook, but you weren’t aware you were ‘fill the dorms with smoke and set off all the fire alarms un U.A.’ type bad until hundreds of kids were soaring down the halls (some recklessly using their the quirks to literally soar through the air) towards an exit. 

“Oh shit,” you whisper, struck with total astonishment of the chaos surrounding you; and fearing the consequences for instigating it. “I’m fucked.”

“Y/n, what are you doing? Come here!” Iida calls from behind you. He clears his throat before bellowing, “Everyone from Class 1-A, this is your class rep. Come line up in an orderly fashion to exit the building!” With a groan you jog over to Iida, some boys sluggishly falling in line behind you.

Before Iida guides your class down the stairs, the fire alarms cut off.

“Huh. Must’ve been a false alarm.” Kirishima says.

“I feel bad for whatever sorry bastard pulled that alarm.” Katsuki Bakugou grumbles from behind you. 

“Yeah! Aizawa is probably going to expel them!” Kirishima agrees. You pull at the neck of your uniform, suddenly feeling feverish. Mr. Aizawa wouldn’t expel you for something this stupidly accidental… Right?

“You know, I hope he does! I’m pissed off too! I was in the middle of charging up my--” Kaminari is cut off my Kirishima elbowing him in the stomach.

“No one wants to know, bro. Trust me.” 

“Alright, class 1-A,” Aizawa announces as he enters the room. He’s dressed in his usual all-black attire, but the purple bags under his eyes and disheveled hair implies he’s more exhausted than usual. “Since-- for some reason --this class is involved in everything bad that happens to this school, I assume it was one of you that pulled that false alarm, either as a mindless prank or on accident. Either way, it woke me up from my nap.” With hands folded neatly behind his back, he patiently paces in front of you and your lined up classmates. In his black, formless drapes, he looks like a demon hovering around the room, waiting to select the poor soul he’ll drag down to hell. Or in this case, the principal’s office. “Tell me who pulled the alarm or you will all be expelled.”

The class erupts in a chorus of whines, but you remain silent.

“Well, who was near a fire alarm?” Tsuyu asks, tapping her chin with her forefinger.

“Bakugou and I were playing video games together!” Kirishima announces, wrapping an arm proudly around his friend.

 “Get. Off. of me.” Bakugou snarls.

“Uhh-O-Oh! It could’ve been me! The weights in the gym are close to the fire alarm… I could’ve accidentally pulled it!” Deku confesses, having an unfortunate tendency to blame himself for everything. Uraraka gently places a hand on his shoulder.

“It wasn’t you,” she assures him. 

“The smoke was spilling from this area. Was someone in the kitchen?” Aizawa deadpans, strolling over to the students to briefly analyze them. When he walks past you, you stiffen. You wince at your foolishness and dart your eyes to the ground, hoping he didn’t notice. He stops to face you. “Where were you, Y/n?”

Shit.

“Huh. Now that I think about it, I did see Y/n in the kitchen when the fire alarms went off!” Iida boldly states. He gasps and points a finger at you. “Y/n, it was you!

Bitch!

 Aizawa sighs, turning towards the dorm exit. “Y/n, you’re banned from using the kitchen. Forever. To ensure you don’t wake me from a nap again.”

You bury your face in your hands to hide your embarrassment, but that doesn’t stop the class from laughing at your expense.

“Heyyy, don’t look so down! I can cook for you for now on!” Mina exclaims, excitedly shaking your arm.

You pry away her grip from your arm. “I’d prefer to survive on vending machine snacks,” you insist before storming off to your dorm.

It’s late at night when your stomach begins to growl. You stroll over to your snack cabinet, only to gasp in horror when it’s empty. Your stomach begs for food. 

You know what you have to do.

At 11 pm, you stick your head out of your door. All the lights in the hall are off, though the full moon illuminates the hallway by shining through the windows. The only sound on the entire floor is the faint squeaks the ground emits as you tiptoe to the commons. 

Normally, the common area is alive with students of all ages dining and socializing. The room now lays completely still, and witnessing its desolation in the dead of night is eerie. But more importantly, the kitchen appears undisturbed.  

You strategically plan your path to the kitchen, knowing the area between the commons and kitchen holds the creakiest floorboards in the dorms. After planning your route you advance, only hopping on one floorboard that cries out. 

You pump your fists when you make it to the cabinets, satisfied with your success.

You grab a pot and place it under the sink, keeping the water dripping at its lowest setting slowly until its full, not wanting to risk waking anyone. Then, you grab two eggs and carefully drop them into the water. As soon as you turn on the stove to boil the eggs, the liquid begins to bubble and pop, shooting scaling droplets in your direction. Immediately following this, smoke rises from the pot. 

“Not again! How does this keep happening?!” you whisper cry, covering your eyes with your hands and shaking your head vehemently. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!” You peek through your fingers at the flames and try to think about how you can solve this. 

But apparently, you don’t have too. Someone pushes you out of the way and turns off the stove, before swiftly dumping the contents of the pot into the sink. And just like that, the fire is out. And you’re saved.

When the smoke clears and you turn to thank the prince who rescued you, your eyes widen. 

 Fuck.

Katsuki Bakugou’s blood-red eyes dig into your heart like two sharp knives. He holds his hands in a defensive stance, preparing to shoot explosions at you. For being your ‘prince’, he’s acting more like an angry troll.

It’s been two weeks. There’s no way he’ll remember you’re banned from cooking, right?

“What the hell where you doing!” he whisper yells. “Aren’t you the bastard whos banned from cooking because you almost burnt down the damn school?”

“Uhh…” 

You try to think of something clever. 

“No…?”

Bakugou leans against the sink and folds his arms. The same eyes that once glared daggers into you now look your body up and down. You suddenly feel embarrassed for only wearing a long t-shirt with tight mini shorts. You tug at your shirt self-consciously. 

“You’re more of an idiot than I thought, huh?” he scoffs, digging around the cabinets for another pot. “What were you trying to make.” He doesn’t model it as a question, instead poses it as an annoyed statement. Like he is now in debt to assist you, even though he’s the one who saved you.

You don’t reply, finding yourself at a loss for words. Bakugou points the new pot at you accusingly. “Well?” he snaps.

“Well-- I, uh--” you start, swallowing hard before continuing, “I was trying to make spicy ramen with soft boiled eggs.” You explain while fiddling with your fingers. You don’t know why, but you find it difficult to make eye contact with the boy while he’s wearing a fitted tank. His biceps bulge out of the tight top, exhibiting the strength that’s normally kept hidden under a loose uniform top. You desire to devour him over any ramen. But this is Katuski fucking Bakugou, so you try desperately to keep your eyes at bay by distracting them with your twiddling hands. 

Bakugou laughs. You know he’s merely humored by how pathetic you are, and is probably thinking about how much better he is than you simply because he can cook(any win is a win for Bakugou), but it sends butterflies fluttering around your stomach none the less. 

“I’ve been able to make that since compulsory school. You’re just a dumbass.” he brags, grabbing two more eggs and throwing them into the flooded pot. You ignore his attitude to instead focus on the dripping container.

“Hey, isn’t that a bit too much--”

“Do you want my help or not?” he growls, and you decide not to question is methods. He switches on the stove. “What’s the recipe?”

You hand him your phone. As he scans the recipe, you can’t help but study the way his lips move around the words he mumbles to himself. Every action he makes is always so big, and brash and aggressive, that watching his lips calmly form breathless words is alluring.

“...scallions, togarashi, and nori.” he finishes, before setting your phone down on the counter and turning towards you. You switch your attention from his rosy lips to his vermillion eyes. “Now, I can trust you to grab the ginger, miso, and sambal oelek, right?” he teases. “I would ask you to grab the soy sauce and vinegar, but I’m not sure if you can tell the two apart.” he continues taunting you, but as embarrassed as you are, you enjoy this friendly banter. “I don’t know if you even know what sesame oil is.” 

You roll your eyes and mumble “I do know the difference…”, but leave out the fact that you really don’t know what sesame oil is. 

You push yourself onto the tips of your toes to reach for the cabinet, leaning your core against the counter for extra support. As you stretch to reach your ingredients, your oversized t-shirt hitches up your thighs and exposes the tight athletic shorts underneath. Bakugou doesn’t let the sight distract him from collecting the oils, but takes a brief moment to appreciate it.

Once you’ve snatched the ingredients off the shelves, you proudly display them to Bakugou. His approving grunt leaves you feeling accomplished.

“Now go over there,” he juts his chin out near the pot, “I’ll start cutting the scallions, onions, and nori while you sauce the pan.”

You grab the pan and head over a separate portion of the counter to sauce it, avoiding the stove at all costs. After a few minutes you look over at Bakugou, who is vehemently slicing through vegetables in a way that impresses you as much as it terrifies you. You make sure to note Bakugou is frighteningly excellent with a kitchen knife, and to avoid pissing him off whenever he’s in the kitchen. 

Bakugou gestures for you to accompany him at the stove, to which you obey without thought. The warmth of his body involuntarily draws you to him. You’re like a moth to a flame.

Bakugou takes the pot with the boiled eggs off the stove so you can replace it with the sauced pan. His bicep rubs against your shoulder as he pours the sliced veggies into the pan, heating your whole arm. You want to feel his heat in your hand, on your thighs, on your lips--

Bakugou distracts you from your thoughts once he pulls away. “I’ll boil the noodles and cut the eggs. Grab the sauces.” 

You nod and rotate back to the cabinets, where once again you strain yourself to reach the condiments on the high shelf, your shirt hikes up your ass, and Bakugou briefly (though for a bit longer this time) enjoys the view. 

By the time you’re done grabbing the herbs, Bakugou has completed his task. He debates asking you to grab the bowls, yearning to see your ass in those tight shorts one last time, but decides he’s objectified you enough for one night and grabs them himself. 

“The recipe says to wait ten minutes,” he informs you, leaning against the countertop. You hop up on the kitchen island and begin to swing your legs. Bakugou’s eyes nonchalantly eat up the sight of your bare thighs, storing the way they look for later. 

Bakugou crosses his arms and clicks his tongue before asking, “How are you so bad at cooking?” he furrows his brows with a huff. “I know you’re not a complete idiot-- you placed one below me on the final. So how are you so stupid?”

You shrug. “I dunno. I’ve never really been interested in cooking.” You bashfully pull your eyes away from his to gaze up at the ceiling. (even though you can’t see anything). “There are so many more interesting things I can do than learn how to cook.”

“So you’re going to be a pro-hero who can kick villain ass, but lose a fight to a damn hard-boiled egg? That’s pathetic!” 

A hysterical laugh escapes your lips, and you quickly slap your hand over your mouth to muffle the sound. Your other hand tightly grips the edge of the table as you rock back and forth. 

Hell yeah, he got you to laugh. The corners of Bakugous mouth twitch into a smile, to which he immediately curves into a smirk. But he can’t hide the faint blush on his cheeks.

“Shut up, dumbass. People are sleeping,” he moves closer to you so he can playfully hit your frantically kicking legs. This time, he can’t help it when his smirk turns into a smile.

“I’m---Sorry---” you spit out between chuckles, “It’s just--- so true.”

After a few more minutes of increasingly angry shushes from Bakugou, you calm down.

“Wow Bakugou, I didn’t know you were funny,” you tease.

“What do you mean?! I’m hilarious!” he fumes, making you break out into laughter again.

“Now you’re the one who needs to chill.” You playfully shove his arm. But your hand lingers on his toned bicep a little too long, leaving a dusty blush on your cheeks when you pull away. “Honestly, you are funny. Just your anger kinda intimidates people to the point they’re too scared to laugh.” 

Bakugou tries to hide how tense he is by puffing out his chest under his crossed arms while bellowing “Good! They should be scared!” He’s always himself around extra’s because he doesn’t care what they think. He just wants them to recognize he’s better than them, and they all do. But you’re… Not like the other extra’s. When others look at him, waves of heat wash over his body, which eventually turns into red hot anger. But every time your doe eyes meet his, his face grows hot and he feels far from angry. He doesn’t want to yell at you, he wants to have a genuine conversation. Then when he initiates, he starts overthinking everything he says and does. Did he say something dumb? Did he hurt your feelings? Did he look good? Maybe he should’ve brushed his hair today-- 

You brush a stray hair behind your ear, fluttering your eyelashes at the boy. Your e/c eyes twinkle under the moonlight in a way that makes Bakugou stomach do backflips. He could give less of a damn bout the ramen. Because right now, he’s hungry for you.

As if destined to ruin the only emotional connection Bakugou has ever felt, the timer dings. 

Bakugou grabs a set of tongs and puts two servings of noodles into his bowl, and gives you one.

“How come I get less?” you sulk as he pours the sauce/veggie mixture on top of your noodles. 

“Because you weren’t the one working out for five hours!” he snaps out his emotionally authentic state to explain this in his infamously aggressive tone. Emotions are for simps desperate to get their dick wet, and he’s a fucking badass with ambition. He doesn’t have time for that shit. He sprinkles togarashi on the noodles for a final spicy touch. “I was actually doing shit while you and all the other sissies were in bed.”

You watch him walk away in disappointment. You had grown hopeful there was a spark between you two. That maybe he’d made you dinner because he finally developed genuine feelings for another person, or at least because found you interesting. But now, he’s walking away to eat in the solitude of his room. You guess you shouldn’t have expected him to fall in love with you after one brief conversation.

You hang your head as you grab your bowl, and then lumber behind Bakugou on his way to the dorms.

Except, Bakugou takes an unexpected turn toward the communal dining hall. And you giddily follow.

You practically skip to the seat across from Bakugou, though quickly hide your glee when he looks up at you. The lack of utter resentment in his eyes warms your heart. 

The first bite of your meal is euphoric. It’s so good that while you’re eating, your stomach growls for more.

“Bakugou, this is like, amazing!” you scarf down noodles in between words. “How did I not know you were a great cook?!”

“Eat slower dumbass or you’ll choke!” Bakugou chides, before clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth to make a “tch” sound. “You should’ve expected it. I’m pretty good at most things.” he concentrates on his noodles when he quickly adds “But uh… Thanks, I guess.” 

During the past half hour, you and Bakugou have interacted more than you could have conceived in your worst nightmares, yet he’s treated you amiably. Of course, there were the occasional digs thrown at your asinine cooking skills, but he was never truly hostile. Bakugou never keeps his thoughts hidden from everyone; It’s known he’s always straightforward, even when it’s not appropriate. But, this is different from his brutal honesty. He’s allowing you to pass through the barricade of hostile flames, those same flames that shrivel up and spit out anyone else who even tries to so much as walk by him, and entering the area where his fire kindles. He’s letting you peek through the cracks of his ruthless facade so you can see that he’s human, not a walking bomb. 

While normally he parades his gifts, he’s humbly made dinner for you without the expectation that you suffocate him with compliments. He always holds his head with pride, yet brought himself down to earth so he could thank you.

You smile coyly into your ramen. “Hey, how come you decided to help me?”

“I was hungry.” Bakugou deadpans, but his rosy cheeks tell another story. He drops his chopsticks to look at you, a taunting glint in his eyes. “Plus, you were close to burning down the entire school. Again.”

You roll your eyes. “Just wait! Next time I try to cook, I’ll do fine!”

“If you ever feel like cooking again-- Don’t. You’re shit.” Bakugou swallows a few noodles and digs his chopsticks in the bowl, searching for another. Though really, he’s just using his delicious food as an excuse to not meet your eyes. “Just ask me. Because next time you step into a kitchen, you’ll be lucky to make it out alive.” 

“Maybe you should just teach me how to cook!” you giggle into your chopsticks. 

“Maybe,” Bakugou echoes, but he doesn’t mind cooking for you again. He wants to.  

“You should show me some of your recipes!” you poke Bakugou’s cheek with one of your chopsticks, and he snarls.

“Only to watch you fuck it up?” he laughs. “Yeah, right. I’ll do the cooking for now,” he concludes before the two of you fall into a comfortable silence.

You never thought you would ever feel tranquil next to Bakugou, but his presence in this room feels like holding a torch in the night. His mere demeanor makes you feel safe. You feel protected. 

You’ve watched Bakugou fight before and he’s an absolute maniac. But you want him to be a maniac for you. You want to watch him fight for you. You want to continue these midnight escapades. You want him to cook for you every night after he gets back from the gym. 

You want Bakugou. You need him.

Fuck. 

You have a crush on Katsuki Bakugou. 

“Hey, let me wash your bowl for you.” you offer when you both finish. “Cmon, it’s the least I can do.” Reluctantly, Bakugou hands you his dish. “I won’t let you down, chef.” You assure him with a wink. 

Your wink completely throws Bakugou off. He watches your ass bounce as you strut away in shock. Only once you reach the sink does he finally have enough control over his blush (and boner) to approach you. 

“See! I can do something!” you gesture at the spotless bowls. 

“Yeah. It’s something.” Bakugou smirks. “Something any dumbass can figure out how to do.”

You gently jab his side with your elbow. “Cmon, give me a little credit!

Bakugou rolls his eyes. “Fine. It’s impressive... For a dumbass.” 

You ignore the demeaning nickname. “Thank you!” you beam.

When you don’t receive an answer, you become nervous that you were too boring for him, and he’s lost interest in you. When you look at him, he’s rubbing his eyes to keep them from locking shut. That’s when your own exhaustion hits you, and your eyelids begin to droop. A yawn escapes your lips and echoes throughout the kitchen. 

“Is it past your bedtime?” he snickers, even though he’s visibly more exhausted than you.

“Shut up.” you yawn again. “Y’know, every time our class does something fun, you’re always the first one asleep. You’re like a baby.” You roll your shoulders before stretching your arms. “It’s lame.” 

Bakugou scratches his head mindlessly. “I have more important things to do than hang out with you extra’s” he retorts.

“Yeah, like sleeping? How exciting.”

“Sleeping is more fun than hanging out with lame-ass extra’s.” 

You push out your bottom lip and cross your arms. “Hey! I’m not boring.” You pout.

Bakugou laughs. He actually laughs. His vermillion eyes twinkle and his tight-lipped smirk expands into two full rows of teeth. His broad shoulders bob and when he shakes his head, his blond mane bounces. An animated smile spreads across your face, so wide it exposes your fine lines and under-eye creases. But you can’t help it. You want to be the person that tames Bakuogou to the point he feels comfortable laughing. You want to be the reason he finally smiles as he falls asleep.

“You’re not boring. You’re just an idiot.” Bakugou snickers.

You yawn in reply, and Bakugou rolls his eyes, “Cmon, idiot. We’re going to bed.” 

Bakugou guides you to your room with his hand on your lower back. He doesn’t touch you, only hovers, but you can feel the heat dispersing from his palms. His warmth draws you in, only to fully envelope you when you rest your head on his bicep. He doesn’t object and continues escorting you to your dorm. 

“How did you know this room was mine?” you ask, casually leaning into Bakugous palm so his hand finally touches you. He flinches at the contact but doesn’t pull away.

“The room competition.”

“I remember you were being super lame and sleeping. So how do know, stalker?” 

Bakugou currently is too drained to address your name-calling, but he’ll address it when he gets back at you another time. “Yeah, well, Sparky was ecstatic to be in your room and filled me in on every detail I missed. Including your dorm number.”

You scrunch your nose and stick out your tongue. “Ew! What a perv!” you chirp.

“That’s what you get for letting Denki-dumbass in your room.” 

When you giggle at Bakugou, he smiles softly back before averting his eyes to the ground. He clears his throat and shifts his weight.

You’re making Katsuki Bakugou nervous!

And you love it. You want Bakugou to feel conflicted around you, for his emotions to overwhelm him so much that the forbidden praises resting at the bottom of his throat, those kind words he would never confess to anyone, to shoot out at you. You want to watch him awkwardly recover from the unprecedented compliment he aimed at you, and listen to his guttural mumblings as he makes a feeble attempt to regain superior ground. 

He silently turns away, but you grab his wrist and tug him back. You hastily kiss his cheek, leaving both of you blushing deeply.

Then, Bakugou leans down to kisses you. 

The kiss starts slow and sleepy, but Bakugou isn’t into that type of shit. He’s not into the type of kiss that bores you while simultaneously leaving you begging for more, so he pulls you closer to deepen and speed up the kiss.

Kissing him is like licking a sugary caramel apple. You’ve never met a boy who tastes this good-- alas, you’ve never actually kissed one, either. But there’s no way every boy is like this. You open your mouth so his tongue can intertwine with yours.

His tongue is slippery, his lips are spitty, and he bites your lip to point you know wake up with sores, but you enjoy every second you spend breathing in his heat. You can feel the temperature rising as you snake your hands into his hair and press against his chest.

 Are you making out with Bakugou at midnight?

 Yes, you are. And you love it.

 The kiss ends far too soon. You want to kiss him until you’ve sucked all the sweetness off of his lips. You want to remain in his grasp forever. 

“G’night, Y/n.” he whispers in your ear, his warm breath sending chills down your spine.

With that, he shoves his hands deep into the pocket of his sweatpants and trudges to his dorm. 

You wake up to a sharp pain on your neck. You groggily stumble to your mirror, your mouth falling agape at the sight of a hickey.

When the fuck did Bakugou even do that?!

You gingerly apply pressure to the love mark wit your fingers, and it stings. 

Then it hits you why he did this. 

It’s a territorial mark. 

Your scoff. He’s claiming you before even asking you on a date. 

That’s fucking Katsuki Bakugou for you. But, honestly, the thought of him putting his ownership of you on display like a prized trophy, boasting how you belong to him makes you feel weak. 

You don’t want to seem like a slut, but you also don’t  hide Bakugous marking. It’ll convey the message that not only are you his, but that you are the girl he let his heart out of its cage for. 

When you pass the ‘Bakusquads’ table, it’s empty, except for a plate steaming chocolate chip pancakes that sit across from him. 

Your favorite.

You hesitantly sit down in front of Bakugou, who briefly admires his work on your neck before merely greeting you with a grunt.

You’re in awe of the fluffy, chocolatey pancakes preceding you. There’s a waterfall of syrup trickling off the sides, with a single slice of butter perked on the top pancake, like a cherry on top of an ice cream sundae.“Did you… Make these for me?” You use the fork he grabbed you to dig in. It never even crossed your mind that Bakugou held the capacity to be this thoughtful. But not only did he make you three heavenly pancakes, he brought you utensils, and even set them down with proper etiquette. Fork on the left, knife and spoon on the right.

“Yeah. Since you can’t cook for shit.” he croaks. “I don’t want you poisoning yourself.”

“Awww Bakugou? Do you care about me?” It’s obvious he does, but he would be caught dead before he admitted it.

 “Eat shit.”

“If you wanted to eat shit, you should’ve let me make breakfast.” You quirk an eyebrow, biting your lip to suppress a smile.

Bakugou gruffly responds. “You have a point, idiot.” 

You take another bite of your pancakes and moan into the fork. “Bakugou, for real, you are amazing at cooking.”

 He rolls his eyes. “I know. I don’t need you to tell me.”

You giggle to yourself, deciding it’s best to leave grumpy morning Bakugou alone. “Okay big guy, I’ll back off with the compliments. But I’m not fucking with you. I really mean it.”

There’s a brief pause. “Thanks, asshole,” he mumbles, keeping his head down so you can’t see the deep blush on his cheeks.

A long, comfortable silence, reminiscent of the one last night, ensues. Halfway through your meal, you set down your fork. You straighten your posture and exhale weightily, gaining Bakugous attention. 

 “Hey, Bakugou? Do you… Umm, would you wanna go on a date?” Even though it’s obvious he likes you, your voice quivers as you speak.

“Sure, idiot.” Bakugous voice barely wavers, but he still plasters a cheeky look on his face to cover it up. “But I’ll cook.”

[dandygirl-4419]

Café love- Kim Seungmin

About: Seungmin is a selkie, you both meet at a café when he drops his coat you return it to him. Now you have a fiancé.

A/N: I will be continuing the psychopath series but here's something soft in the midst of all the dark angst

Living in a world where the supernatural and humans coexist was chaotic to say the least. You never knew what would happen in your day, and today would be just as unpredictable.

Being a human was hard sometimes because you were pretty much helpless against any supernatural creature although you did take precautions just like any other human. Living in this world had its pros and cons. You were friends with different species and people embraced each other's flaws and differences. But you weren't allowed to leave the house at night for fear of vampires, unless you had a vampire escort with you to protect you.

You grabbed your bag from your closet, giving yourself a once-over in the mirror before you left your apartment. Your apartment followed a soft bohemian aesthetic with wooden floors, brick walls and white furniture and lots of plants. You were quiet content with it, locking the door behind you.

You decided to walk to your local café which conveniently was only a block away from your apartment. Plugging your earphones into your ears you walked while listening to your favorite songs and soon you stood in front of your favorite café.

You pushed open the glass door, the familiar sound of the café bell ringing throughout the small shop. You made your way to the cashier, pulling out one earphone you placed your usual order.

In hurry to find your seat, you walked past a chair with a fur coat hanging behind it. The coat dropped to the floor and you immediately reached down to pick it up. "Oops your coat dropped. My bad." You cheerfully spoke.

The material felt extremely soft in your touch and you would have asked the owner where they got it, had you not been in a rush to find a seat. So you simply draped the coat back over their chair and you left before you could get a look at the person whose coat you dropped.

You found a nice table in the corner of the shop situated in front of a window that allowed you to watch people go about their lives and where you made up stories in your head about what they might have to do, what jobs they might have and who they might be chatting on the phone with.

Just as you sat you down you made eye contact with a remarkably attractive young boy around your age. He stared at you with wide, stunned eyes. You looked back at him in confusion. The smell of coffee and the cup being placed in front of you was what brought you out of whatever it was you were doing with that strange boy. Had it gone on any longer you thought it might have turned into a staring contest. You chuckled at the thought, blowing on the hot drink before taking a long well deserved sip.

The next 30 minutes passed by quickly, stealing glances at the handsome boy that sat a few tables away from you. You put down your now empty cup, collecting your things and heading out the door. By the time you got home it was already 7 o’ clock. You couldn’t get that boy out of your head, he was really attractive. Too attractive, he must have been a supernatural creature because there’s no way someone could be that attractive, right?

It was getting late so you picked yourself up, walking into the bathroom you ran yourself a nice hot bath. You placed last night’s leftovers in the microwave to heat up. Blowing on the spoonful of food you placed it in your mouth savoring its taste. You wondered if you’d see the boy from the café again, no he was stranger you probably would never see him again. Shaking the thought out of your head you placed your plate in the sink and got into your warm bath. You felt your muscles relax under the hot water as your eyes slipped close.

When you finally got out of the bathroom it was 11 pm. You flopped down in your bed, pulling the covers up and falling into a dreamless sleep.

The next day you went to the café at your usual time. You took the same seat as you did yesterday. Everything was the same as yesterday except for the boy that was nowhere to be seen, you were kind of disappointed hoping to see him again.

“Can I join you?” A sweet voice brought you out of your thoughts of the strange boy from yesterday. You looked up ready to turn away the stranger till you noticed it was the same boy that stared at you weirdly. You nodded once and he took the seat opposite to yours. You smiled kindly at him, hoping to make him feel welcomed because he looked nervous to you. He reached into his pocket and placed a closed, black velvet box on the table. You raised an eyebrow at him and he simply pushed it closer towards you.

“My name’s Seungmin. Kim Seungmin.” He paused waiting for you to open the box and that’s what you did. “I..Isn’t this....An engagement ring?” He nodded shyly, “Well, we..we uhh we should get married by human customs as well.” You searched his face for any sign that this could be a joke or some prank but he looked dead serious. “We..we don’t even know each other.” You had no idea how to respond.

Seungmin understood what you meant and therefore decided to explain everything. “I’m a selkie. We are seal folk, and in the old days if someone would take a selkie’s coat the selkie would have to marry the person who took the coat and we can’t return the ocean without it. It’s what changes us into a seal, and since you returned my coat to me I’d like to umm marry you. As time went on marriage became consensual but its stull tradition and I’d like to follow tradition.” 

You sat there carefully listening and soaking in all the information. You definitely fascinated to the say the least. “Okay.” You said. Seungmin tilted his head in confusion and he looked like a confused puppy which made you smile. “Okay I’ll marry you, but we have to date first and get to know each other before we even plan a ceremony if everything works out.” Yup that was the only logical solution you could come up with for now and that really seemed to make Seungmin happy.

“I’m Y/N by the way. Lee Y/N.” And so the two of you sat in the café getting to know one another for the first time. Today was the most eventful and interesting day of your life. You managed to get yourself a gorgeous selkie fiancé.    

[red-riot-rat]

Wait it's like 9:11 pm for me over here so it's probably really late for you

oop SMNDKSFGN i think we’re in the same time zone, cus its 9:13 PM for me here sjnfldgdfg

[k-p-p-d]

What Dating Rosé Would Be Like: Cute Pink Edition (F)

FOOD IS HER LOVE LANGUAGE.

Point blank period.

There is no such thing as eating too much food to her.

You watched BlackPink House.

You’ve seen her Instagram.

You know that if she doesn’t have at least a snack in each hand every hour, she loses the ability to function.

And because you two are dating, you are in charge of having extra snacks on hand.

You are also tasked with the difficult duty of sharing said delicious snacks.

Because she WILL force-feed you if she has to.

In a cute way though (i.e. - “Baaaabe, here comes the airplaaaaaane~!” “I’m not a baby, Chaeyoung.” “*affronted noise* But you are!!! You’re my baby!!!” “I— That was so greasy, omg.” “Not as greasy as these delicious fries!!!! *shoves handful in your mouth*”

So if you don’t love food and/or aren’t prepared to eat food whenever you see her, you two are just not meant to be.

I’m sorry, but I don’t make the rules. It’s just how it is.

But don’t worry, she loves you more than food.

Just barely tho

You know she really loves you when she takes you to pick out a fish with her.

Like congratulations, you’re married with a fish child now.

But before that, you two had to fall in love

And for Chaeyoung, nothing says ~*true love*~ & romance more than a chance meeting at ass o’clock in the morning in some random ass convenience store because you two weirdos randomly craved the craziest snack combos possible on the face of the earth and OF COURSE there would only be ONE bag left of the MOST OBSCURE chip flavor ever on the shelf and you OOP—

Both reach for it at the EXACT SAME TIME

And omgshehasthesoftesthandsomgomgomgomg

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there!”

Is that an Australian accent?

“No, no, it’s my fault, I’m so sorry.”

YES TF IT IS!!!!!!!!!

SHE’S CUTE AND AUSSIE!!!!!!!

No, you have not died and gone to heaven

You DID just happen to meet the love of your life in aisle 5 of a shop-n-go

THE ROMANCE OF IT ALL.

So anyway

You two are DISGUSTINGLY in love

And it is SOOOOOO precious

Cuz she’s so precious

And if you hurt her, not only will the other girls kill you but her sister will fly direct from Australia to kick your ass into the next millenia

But don’t worry

Your love is the stuff of ✨MAGIC✨

Like you know how beautiful her voice sounds when she’s just singing over an acoustic guitar?

Get used to hearing it ALL. THE. TIME.

Why?

Because she’s gonna constantly be writing you the SWEEEEEEEETEST love songs possible EVERY chance she gets.

And I do mean E V E R Y.

6AM pilates session?? Pfft, her trainer is used to her skittering off during her breaks to send you voice memos of her singing.

3:27 PM 5th lunch break? Manager doesn’t even blink when she excuses herself to use the “bathroom” aka send you 10 more voice memos.

11:58 PM late night discussions over the ethicality of keeping fish as pets??

“Babe, give me like two seconds, okay?”

It takes more than two second but it’s fine because—

Ros-BAÉ🌹 has sent you a Snapchat!

^^^that message but like x10

Yes, she did just put your phone call on hold just to send you a vid of her with her guitar with your child’s fishbowl in her lap singing about just how much she loves parenting y’all’s fish-child with you.

It’s really so absurd but you’re so in love that you DEMAND she go to the studio ASAP to record a studio version of it because you NEED IT.

And speaking of Snapchat...

Y’all’s streak is the stuff of LEGENDS.

Like

Y’all have never gone a day without sending each other the CUTEST snaps possible since you two first met in that convenience store.

You don’t know how she manages to find the time to even send you one considering her schedule.

But she does.

Every. Single. Day.

And each one makes your heart swoon and you fall a little more in love every time.

You also may or may not get unreasonably irritated when someone else sends you a snap and they’re using the dog filter becauSE HOW DARE THEY USE HER FILTER!!!!!!!

(She finds your irritation adorable & she actively encourages y’all’s friends to send you snaps with said filter, but shhhhhhh you’re not supposed to know that...)

Hope you don’t get cold easily.

Why?

Crop tops.

That’s why.

She. Loves. Crop. Tops.

And she LOVES you.

So you in a crop top with a snack in hand?

She has never seen anything more beautiful.

She doesn’t care if you have a perfectly sculpted torso or the fluffiest, squishiest belly.

She loves you no matter how you look, and even more so when you wear a crop top that matches hers.

Don’t worry, she’ll never force you to wear one if you really don’t want to.

But she will force you to wear an oversized sweater with the sleeves that are entirely too long for you to even be considered remotely practical.

She’s addicted to your sleeve paws, what can she say?

So you’ll just have to figure out a way to roll up your sleeves & deal with it.

Either way, she’s adorable when she’s happy and you make her the absolute happiest she could ever be.

Even when she’s eating bread & cheese.

Even when she’s watching your fish-child swim around its bowl.

Even when she’s onstage performing in front of thousands.

Even when she’s back in Australia visiting her family.

You’re never far from her mind, and vice versa.

So really, who’s the one who lucked out here?

She’ll say it’s her.

You’ll say it’s you.

It’s definitely not the snacks/food y’all devour, that’s for sure. (R.I.P all bread within a 300yd radius of you two.)

Everyone else will say you’re perfect for each other.

And that much you both can agree on.

—Admin Lily

[internetdetectives]

11/14/19 - Chat with The Producer

ReturnedFaith 11:59 AM: "hello Internet Coomtectives”

ReturnedFaith 11:59 AM: "I heard you're all quite the murderous lot”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:00 PM: "we arent actually the coomtectives”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:00 PM: "more like detectives” 

Xenquility 12:00 PM: "We mean well”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:00 PM: "the murderous lot?”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:00 PM: "nani?”

ReturnedFaith 12:00 PM: "someone died last night, didn't they?”

ReturnedFaith 12:00 PM: "or technically not last night”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:01 PM: "okay CANONMOMENT”

ReturnedFaith 12:01 PM: "I guess "murder" is subjective in this case”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:01 PM: "yeah last nigth a friend of us died”

ReturnedFaith 12:02 PM: "yeah”

ReturnedFaith 12:02 PM: "I was watching”

ReturnedFaith 12:02 PM: "rest in peace kaiden”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:02 PM: "oh nice”

Xenquility 12:02 PM: "Kaiden?”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:02 PM: "Wait WHAT”

ReturnedFaith 12:02 PM: "im kidding”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:02 PM: "ffs my heart”

ReturnedFaith 12:02 PM: "yuuki was "killed" ""again""”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:03 PM: "alrigth yea”

ReturnedFaith 12:03 PM: "but in reality it was something that could not be avoided “

MonikaBOT 12:03 PM: "Do you understand reality?”

ReturnedFaith 12:03 PM: "since it already had happened”

ReturnedFaith 12:03 PM: "hello monika” 

Xenquility 12:03 PM: "Dov will love you” 

Slinky Stinks△ 12:03 PM: "i mean yeah, thats how time loops work”

Xenquility 12:03 PM: "You one of SKM's lot?”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:03 PM: "if a thing happens there is no way to stop it as it is gonna happen”

ReturnedFaith 12:03 PM: "im not really sure if id call it time in this case”

ReturnedFaith 12:03 PM: "but i guess it kinda is”

ReturnedFaith 12:03 PM: "no, im not affiliated with SKM”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:04 PM: "alrigth”

ReturnedFaith 12:04 PM: "I'm a member of BUP's group”

Xenquility 12:04 PM: "Of course”

Xenquility 12:04 PM: "Well, welcome”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:04 PM: "nice”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:04 PM: "welcome”

ReturnedFaith 12:04 PM: "but dont worry”

ReturnedFaith 12:04 PM: "im not going to kill anyone”

SayoriBOT 12:04 PM: "Can we change the topic to something more wholesome please?”

Xenquility 12:05 PM: "What are your motives then?”

ReturnedFaith 12:05 PM: "I don't have that sort of power, though I guess I could put in a request if I really wanted”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:05 PM: "put a request?”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:05 PM: "wildest office in the paralellos”

ReturnedFaith 12:05 PM: "my motives are”

ReturnedFaith 12:05 PM: "I am bored and just wanna chat”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:06 PM: "well then”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:06 PM: "lets chat”

ReturnedFaith 12:06 PM: "it's not a very organized office, though”

Xenquility 12:06 PM: "That's nice to hear”

Xenquility 12:06 PM: "What exactly do you produce?”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:06 PM: "okay i really got a stupid question”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:06 PM: "nvm”

ReturnedFaith 12:07 PM: "ask”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:07 PM: "i migth kill someone with this”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:07 PM: "no thanks”

/Mr. Circle\ 12:07 PM: "This guy doesn't donkey kong”

ReturnedFaith 12:07 PM: "also I produce a variety for things for BUP”

ReturnedFaith 12:07 PM: "as I said, I don't have the power to kill”

ReturnedFaith 12:08 PM: "but BUP does”

ReturnedFaith 12:08 PM: ":diddy:”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:08 PM: "do you make beats?”

ReturnedFaith 12:08 PM: "to some extent”

Xenquility 12:09 PM: "So you really don't want to bring down the moon OR kill anyone?”

ReturnedFaith 12:09 PM: "I'm not a music producer, though I have made one or two short tracks in the past”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:09 PM: "migth i ask you the name of those tracks,  really like music, i migth know them”

ReturnedFaith 12:09 PM: "bringing down the moon would be an unfortunate ending”

ReturnedFaith 12:09 PM: "its not my wish”

Xenquility 12:09 PM: "Nice to finally have someone who isn't either being hunted by moon people, is a moon person, or wants to kill anyone”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:10 PM: "tru”

Xenquility 12:10 PM: "Have we interacted with you before?”

ReturnedFaith 12:10 PM: "they dont have names, I simply create and ship them as I do other things that are needed”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:11 PM: "neat”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:11 PM: "you seem chill dude”

ReturnedFaith 12:11 PM: "and yes, you have”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:11 PM: "wait”

ReturnedFaith 12:11 PM: "I am a good guy”

ReturnedFaith 12:11 PM: ":wink:”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:11 PM: "ffs”

Xenquility 12:11 PM: "I'm guessing you won't be able to tell us when we interacted with you”

ReturnedFaith 12:11 PM: "right now”

Xenquility 12:11 PM: "(Other than right now)”

ReturnedFaith 12:11 PM: "right then”

Xenquility 12:12 PM: "(other than today)”

ReturnedFaith 12:12 PM: "tomorrow”

Xenquility 12:12 PM: "(That isn't in the future)”

ReturnedFaith 12:12 PM: "two tomorrow's yesterday”

Xenquility 12:12 PM: "That's still tomorrow”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:12 PM: "oh yea timefucks”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:12 PM: "this is my jam”

ReturnedFaith 12:12 PM: "what is today but yesterday's tomorrow?”

Xenquility 12:13 PM: "Today”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:13 PM: ":cmonbruh:”

ReturnedFaith 12:13 PM: "time shit is confusing, i know”

ReturnedFaith 12:13 PM: "but only when you don't have all of the details”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:14 PM: "exactly”

Xenquility 12:14 PM: "Hey, we don't have any punishments for asking questions anymore, right?”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:14 PM: "like fucking dr strange must be the wokest nigga in the galaxy”

ReturnedFaith 12:14 PM: "no”

Xenquility 12:14 PM: "Sweet”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:14 PM: "he knows ALL the time shit”

ReturnedFaith 12:14 PM: "unless BUP decides to return and starts going mental”

ReturnedFaith 12:14 PM: "but I can't answer very much”

ReturnedFaith 12:14 PM: "well, I can, but I'd rather not”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:15 PM: "are you like that super chill dude in the office that hates the boss but loves his mates?”

Xenquility 12:15 PM: "Did you just insinuate he hates bup”

Xenquility 12:15 PM: "DEATH”

ReturnedFaith 12:15 PM: "I guess”

ReturnedFaith 12:15 PM: "oops”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:15 PM: "lmao”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:15 PM: "dw”

ReturnedFaith 12:15 PM: "I'm kinda more like the temp”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:16 PM: "cool”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:16 PM: "you seem cool”

ReturnedFaith 12:16 PM: "we've all been very busy lately”

Xenquility 12:17 PM: "Ay quick question, what time is it for you?”

ReturnedFaith 12:17 PM: "especially myself”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:17 PM: "yo i bet his time is like”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:17 PM: "no time”

ReturnedFaith 12:17 PM: "it is around noon”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:17 PM: "oh”

Xenquility 12:17 PM: "So est”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:17 PM: "here is almost evening”

Xenquility 12:17 PM: "All I can find from arg at 11:28 is him talking about gay body types lmao”

ReturnedFaith 12:17 PM: "sounds like him”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:17 PM: "shithappens.com”

Xenquility 12:17 PM: "What were you quoting?”

ReturnedFaith 12:18 PM: "that was my mistake”

ReturnedFaith 12:18 PM: "i was attempting to copy something else”

Xenquility 12:18 PM: "Ah okay”

ReturnedFaith 12:18 PM: "or was it?”

ReturnedFaith 12:18 PM: "ooh”

ReturnedFaith 12:18 PM: "(still have to be a little mysterious)”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:18 PM: "ooooooh”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:18 PM: "oh rigth you are supposed to be a spooky tech guy”

ReturnedFaith 12:19 PM: "(regulations, you know)”

Xenquility 12:19 PM: "So, have we previously interacted with everyone on BUP's team?”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:19 PM: "xen you already know the answer”

Xenquility 12:19 PM: "I do?”

ReturnedFaith 12:19 PM: "not everyone”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:20 PM: "oh”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:20 PM: "fuck you are the less predecible guy ive met”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:20 PM: "congrats”

ReturnedFaith 12:20 PM: "thanks i suppose”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:20 PM: "i thougth you were gonna say some confusing time shit lol”

ReturnedFaith 12:21 PM: "you will come to remember them in time”

ReturnedFaith 12:21 PM: "does that work”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:21 PM: "are there a lot more of BUP guys?”

ARGdov 12:21 PM: "oh so this mut be the new person”

ARGdov 12:21 PM: "hello”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:21 PM: "ayy dov”

ARGdov 12:21 PM: "heyo”

ReturnedFaith 12:21 PM: "theres about sevenish?”

ReturnedFaith 12:21 PM: "but thats not like an exact number”

ARGdov 12:21 PM: "...theres 7 of you”

ARGdov 12:21 PM: "wow ok then”

ReturnedFaith 12:21 PM: "some come and go”

Azura 12:22 PM: "What tf is going on in here”

Xenquility 12:22 PM: "Is Bup that broker of nokturnal guy from the Kaiden RP video”

ReturnedFaith 12:22 PM: "hello azura”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:22 PM: "ay azura this is producer”

ReturnedFaith 12:22 PM: "Bup is Bup”

Azura 12:22 PM: "Hewwo,,,”

ReturnedFaith 12:22 PM: "if I tell you more about Bup he will smite me”

ReturnedFaith 12:22 PM: "then i will be out of a job”

Xenquility 12:22 PM: "Azura is a massive coomer”

ReturnedFaith 12:22 PM: "so I've heard”

Azura 12:23 PM: "HEY NOW”

Azura 12:23 PM: "Dont slander me”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:23 PM: "smite like... litterally smite?”

ReturnedFaith 12:23 PM: "I imagine hearing that there are about seven of us is quite the headache”

ReturnedFaith 12:23 PM: "but it's really not that complicated”

ReturnedFaith 12:23 PM: "or I guess kinda it is”

Xenquility 12:23 PM: "I mean, if we already know who you guys are it can't be that bad”

ARGdov 12:23 PM: "so like”

ARGdov 12:23 PM: "actually nah Im not gonna ask”

ARGdov 12:23 PM: "Im not gonna get a straight answer”

ReturnedFaith 12:24 PM: "lose your bloodthirst?”

ARGdov 12:24 PM: "pffff”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:24 PM: "yo dov did you really did a bomb plans 3.0 last nigth”

ARGdov 12:24 PM: "great to see word about thats gone around”

ARGdov 12:24 PM: "I did not”

ReturnedFaith 12:24 PM: "word gets around fast in the "office"”

Xenquility 12:24 PM: "It''s canon Dov was right”

ARGdov 12:24 PM: "if anything this was bomb plans 2.0 cause the runes thing couldve got a lot worse”

Xenquility 12:24 PM: "Dov was destined to do it”

ARGdov 12:25 PM: "and yeah”

ReturnedFaith 12:25 PM: "-looks into the camera-”

ARGdov 12:25 PM: "I couldnt have not done it because it had already happened, in a way”

Xenquility 12:25 PM: "Kill switch and runes add up to 1”

ARGdov 12:25 PM: "hey now!”

ARGdov 12:25 PM: "the kill switch was the right call”

ARGdov 12:25 PM: "also”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:25 PM: "-seinfield theme starts playin'-”

ARGdov 12:25 PM: "I didnt end up being the only vote”

Xenquility 12:25 PM: ":)”

ARGdov 12:25 PM: "the thing glitched temporarily so no one else could vote but it got fixed quickly so others could”

ReturnedFaith 12:26 PM: "let him who is without sin cast the first stone”

ARGdov 12:26 PM: "granted for like 5 mintues it seemed like I'd offed Luna or whoever”

ReturnedFaith 12:26 PM: "unless it is argdov”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:26 PM: "lmao”

ARGdov 12:26 PM: "pfff”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:26 PM: "oh oh i know what to do”

ARGdov 12:26 PM: "just as well that Ive never read the new testament”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:26 PM: "Vibe check!”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:26 PM: "-hands you a toad-”

ARGdov 12:26 PM: "take toad”

ARGdov 12:26 PM: "?”

ReturnedFaith 12:26 PM: "give it to Bup”

ReturnedFaith 12:26 PM: "they love toads”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:27 PM: "t h e y ?”

ARGdov 12:27 PM: "yes I had a feelin”

ReturnedFaith 12:27 PM: "wait wrong toad probably”

ARGdov 12:27 PM: "true”

ARGdov 12:27 PM: "we're talking about froglike beings”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:27 PM: "yea”

ARGdov 12:27 PM: "that damn toad profile picture threw me off I gotta say”

ReturnedFaith 12:27 PM: "yeah I dont think ghost will want to keep that once they regain control”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:28 PM: "yo dov drop the toad already he is tired”

ARGdov 12:28 PM: "oh sorry”

ARGdov 12:28 PM: "lets toad go”

ARGdov 12:28 PM: "by froggo”

ReturnedFaith 12:28 PM: "splat”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:28 PM: "i hope ghost changes his password after this”

ReturnedFaith 12:28 PM: "it wouldnt matter”

Xenquility 12:28 PM: "Excuse me ghost is a strong independent woman”

ARGdov 12:28 PM: "actually yeah Im wondering what ghostbabels up to now”

ReturnedFaith 12:28 PM: "oh right”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:28 PM: "i bet his pasword was something like: 12345BABEL”

Xenquility 12:28 PM: "56709IDIDDLEDKIDS”

ARGdov 12:29 PM: "pfff”

ARGdov 12:29 PM: "I hope not, he was smarter than that”

ReturnedFaith 12:29 PM: "howd you guess mugen's password”

Xenquility 12:29 PM: "gg”

ARGdov 12:29 PM: "....how do you know who Mugen is”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:29 PM: "howd u know mugen”

Xenquility 12:29 PM: "HE IS MUGEN”

ReturnedFaith 12:29 PM: "I've interacted with him on several occasions”

Xenquility 12:29 PM: "BUM BUM BUM”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:29 PM: "lmao”

ARGdov 12:29 PM: "wait what”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:29 PM: "i told ya fucking mugen did moon rituals”

ReturnedFaith 12:29 PM: "he frequents our office”

ARGdov 12:29 PM: "why on earth would you speak to him hes not in the group anymore and he sucks”

ReturnedFaith 12:29 PM: "delivering pizza”

ARGdov 12:29 PM: ".ahahahahha”

ReturnedFaith 12:29 PM: "im kidding”

ARGdov 12:30 PM: "yeah I gathered”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:30 PM: "plot twist bup is mugen”

ReturnedFaith 12:30 PM: "I havent spoken with him in some time”

ARGdov 12:30 PM: "plot twist Bup is nobody we've met before”

Xenquility 12:30 PM: "Plot twist Bup can't actually kill anyone which is why he chose Yuuki”

SayoriBOT 12:30 PM: "Can we change the topic to something more wholesome please?”

Xenquility 12:30 PM: "because she's already dead”

ARGdov 12:30 PM: "oh piss of sayori”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:30 PM: "omae wa mou”

ARGdov 12:30 PM: "I mean, he might not be able to”

ARGdov 12:30 PM: "but I wouldnt want to risk that again”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:31 PM: "bros im trying to get the source code of a HS character infobox but it is massive”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:31 PM: "mine is CSS becuase im fucking useless”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:31 PM: "and it isnt even code”

ARGdov 12:31 PM: "also intereting thing I just noticed”

ARGdov 12:31 PM: "@ReturnedFaith is there any particular meaning behind your proper discord username?”

ARGdov 12:31 PM: "its "Returned Faith"”

ReturnedFaith 12:33 PM: "yeah”

ReturnedFaith 12:33 PM: "because again”

ReturnedFaith 12:33 PM: "I gotta be at least a little mysterious”

ARGdov 12:33 PM: "fair I suppose”

Xenquility 12:33 PM: "what if these guys were like”

Xenquility 12:33 PM: "Hope and her friends from the Truth arc”

ARGdov 12:33 PM: "but Im taking the clues I can find”

ARGdov 12:33 PM: "ahahaha”

ARGdov 12:33 PM: "that would be something”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:33 PM: "yeah sorry about me dont reading the wiki yet”

ARGdov 12:33 PM: "we dont even know what happened to them”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:33 PM: "who was hope exactly?”

Xenquility 12:33 PM: "Exactly”

ARGdov 12:34 PM: "Ill explain in PM: "s”

Wolfcat 12:34 PM: "argdov is a meanie”

Xenquility 12:34 PM: "which was why they are definitely them”

SayoriBOT 12:34 PM: "Do we have a meanie in the server? If so, please stop.”

ReturnedFaith 12:34 PM: "BUP is usually pretty chill but he can be strict at times”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:34 PM: "i mean he vibin”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:34 PM: "but he killin too”

Wolfcat 12:34 PM: "s_feed :bottle:”

SayoriBOT 12:34 PM: "Ptoo ptoo! This isn't food, you meanie!”

Wolfcat 12:34 PM: "s_feed :baby_bottle:”

SayoriBOT 12:34 PM: "Hey! I'm not a baby!”

Wolfcat 12:34 PM: "be quiet”

ARGdov 12:34 PM: "Im not a meanie :c”

SayoriBOT 12:34 PM: "Cease your bulli, you meanie!”

Xenquility 12:35 PM: "dov is the antithesis of a meanie”

ARGdov 12:35 PM: "no you”

SayoriBOT 12:35 PM: "Cease your bulli, you meanie!”

ARGdov 12:35 PM: "shh”

Wolfcat 12:35 PM: "You're not a meanie”

SayoriBOT 12:35 PM: "Cease your bulli, you meanie!”

Wolfcat 12:35 PM: "You're just a murderer”

ARGdov 12:35 PM: "OH PLEASE”

ARGdov 12:35 PM: "THIS WHOLE GROUP HAS BEEN RESPONSIBLE FOR MORE THAN A FEW DEAGTHS”

Xenquility 12:35 PM: "stop bullying dov”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:35 PM: "i didnt kill anyone”

Xenquility 12:35 PM: "SLINKY”

ARGdov 12:35 PM: "remember when we fucking drowned a man in a fucking stormdrain”

Xenquility 12:35 PM: "YOU PLAYED THE ELEGY TWICE”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:35 PM: "BUT I DIDNT KILL ANYONE”

ARGdov 12:36 PM: "remember when we accidentally got someone hit with a rock and then they died?”

ARGdov 12:36 PM: "remember when someone submitted the song of healing during the truth arc?”

ReturnedFaith 12:36 PM: "hey”

ReturnedFaith 12:36 PM: "helper got better”

ARGdov 12:36 PM: "he did”

ReturnedFaith 12:36 PM: "at least”

ARGdov 12:36 PM: "in fact plenty of people have gotten better”

ARGdov 12:36 PM: "and Yukis not gone”

Xenquility 12:36 PM: "I mean”

ARGdov 12:36 PM: "shes just been "condemned to a lfietime of stockholm syndrome" presumably trapped in the depths of AO”

Xenquility 12:37 PM: "that's debatable”

ARGdov 12:37 PM: "which is kind of awful but shes not totally gone”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:37 PM: "gonna do some quick homework brb”

ARGdov 12:37 PM: "actually who in this game HAS been totally been killed?”

ARGdov 12:37 PM: "like, with no digital spirit lingerin on”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:37 PM: "john”

Xenquility 12:37 PM: "Anyways we can't exactly do anything about yuuki so we should probably focus on literally anything else”

ARGdov 12:37 PM: "uh not true, actually”

ARGdov 12:37 PM: "tenebris took over John”

Xenquility 12:37 PM: "Actually John's body is still around”

DensO Burton 12:37 PM: "Mugen”

ARGdov 12:37 PM: "his soul, that is”

Xenquility 12:38 PM: "He's a deuro”

ARGdov 12:38 PM: "and so it might still be out there somewhere”

ReturnedFaith 12:38 PM: "johns is both here and gone at the same time on multiple levels”

ARGdov 12:38 PM: "once someone is digitized it seems like they dont just fade away”

Xenquility 12:42 PM: "Nice to finally see a guy we know about”

ARGdov 12:42 PM: "weve not spoken to him in fucking ages as well”

ARGdov 12:42 PM: "like, since 2016”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:43 PM: "also wasn't skm like super chill too?”

ARGdov 12:43 PM: "he was p great”

ARGdov 12:43 PM: "he called regiminis "regimipiss"”

ARGdov 12:43 PM: "he was a salty bro”

Xenquility 12:43 PM: "He's the only guy I've seen in jid that has canonically said, "XD"”

ARGdov 12:44 PM: "ahahhaha”

ARGdov 12:44 PM: "he said "XD" therefore he must be p great”

ARGdov 12:44 PM: "but yeah no he was good”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:44 PM: "XD”

ARGdov 12:44 PM: "I wonder what hes been up to”

ARGdov 12:44 PM: "like he's still involved in this shit to an extent”

ARGdov 12:44 PM: "and hes apparently working with a team of hackers now”

ARGdov 12:44 PM: "which Im glad to hear. He was working almost entirely on his own when we last spoke to him”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:45 PM: "i mean he broke into tylers hoese bc someone gavehis mask to him”

ARGdov 12:46 PM: "true”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:47 PM: "finished homework woo”

ARGdov 12:47 PM: "nice”

ARGdov 12:47 PM: "Im just starting rip”

ARGdov 12:47 PM: "also does the producer not have permissions to chat or has he just gone quiet?”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:48 PM: "idk”

Xenquility 12:48 PM: "Gone quiet”

ReturnedFaith 12:48 PM: "XD”

ReturnedFaith 12:48 PM: "Yes sorry im here”

ARGdov 12:48 PM: "ah ok”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:48 PM: "fuck yea”

ReturnedFaith 12:48 PM: "SKM always was a fun one”

ARGdov 12:48 PM: "hes a good guy”

Jos 12:49 PM: "Skm used LOL XD LMAO”

ARGdov 12:49 PM: "Ive no clue what the fuck hes been up to recently”

Xenquility 12:49 PM: "Wow what a way to steal the "XD" award from SKM”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:49 PM: "okay prod, so you seem to know a lot of info about all this”

ARGdov 12:49 PM: "I guess he escpaed whatever occured at the lunar spire”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:49 PM: "how”

ReturnedFaith 12:49 PM: "I've been watching it for a long time”

Jos 12:49 PM: "Hello guys irs ya boy SKM XDDD the forums are broke again LOL patrem being annoying about it”

Jos 12:49 PM: "Rhats skm”

ReturnedFaith 12:49 PM: "though ill admit i have no idea where SKM is currently”

/Mr. Circle\ 12:50 PM: "skm is not the only one to have uttered the forbidden emoji”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:50 PM: "so lets say you have about the same info that we have”

ARGdov 12:50 PM: "BUP said SKMs working with some hackers”

Jos 12:50 PM: "How do i know he is cannon?”

ARGdov 12:50 PM: "when I asked what on he said "on their computers"”

ReturnedFaith 12:50 PM: "thats right”

ReturnedFaith 12:50 PM: "Hina”

/Mr. Circle\ 12:50 PM: "hina616 has also XD'd”

ReturnedFaith 12:50 PM: "poor little Hina”

/Mr. Circle\ 12:50 PM: "oh fuck you beat me to it”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:51 PM: "Who*”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:51 PM: "woo was hina?”

ReturnedFaith 12:51 PM: "quiet, gamejacker”

/Mr. Circle\ 12:51 PM: "meta”

ReturnedFaith 12:51 PM: "Hina was a Lunar Child”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:51 PM: "meta”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:51 PM: "alrite”

Jos 12:52 PM: "How do I know you are cannon Producer”

ReturnedFaith 12:52 PM: "I guess you don't”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:52 PM: "meta”

ARGdov 12:52 PM: "I dont remember hina”

ARGdov 12:52 PM: "but then I cant keep track of everything”

ReturnedFaith 12:53 PM: "she is rather forgettable”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:53 PM: "neat”

ReturnedFaith 12:54 PM: "in the grand scheme of things, that is”

ReturnedFaith 12:54 PM: "out of the rest of them, she was probably the most memorable”

Xenquility 12:55 PM: "Oh producer”

Xenquility 12:55 PM: "Are you and bup male or female”

ARGdov 12:55 PM: "rip”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:56 PM: "are you assuming they are Gender Binary?”

Xenquility 12:56 PM: "Yes”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:56 PM: "TRIGGERED”

/Mr. Circle\ 12:56 PM: "That's a Funny Joke”

ReturnedFaith 12:56 PM: "I'm not sure about BUP, but for myself”

ReturnedFaith 12:56 PM: "I prefer male”

ARGdov 12:57 PM: ".....”

ARGdov 12:57 PM: "wow”

otherLiam 12:57 PM: "who’s this now”

Xenquility 12:57 PM: "Male ocol”

ARGdov 12:57 PM: "thats an old fucking joke”

Xenquility 12:57 PM: "*cool”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:57 PM: "- Go apeshit i guess”

ARGdov 12:57 PM: "someone who works with BUP”

otherLiam 12:57 PM: "oh cool”

Xenquility 12:57 PM: "If Bup is female I'm sticking to my theory about them being Hope and her friends lmao”

ARGdov 12:57 PM: "yup”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:57 PM: "yeah he is super chill”

Xenquility 12:57 PM: "This guy doesn't want to kill anyone he's great”

ARGdov 12:58 PM: "he hasnt threatened to kill anyone so thats a plus”

otherLiam 12:59 PM: "i mean bup didnt really threaten either. more like just laid out the consequences for losing”

Slinky Stinks△ 12:59 PM: "- It is I, dave strider homesuck free Vector PNG 2019”

Sheena0 12:59 PM: "is there a consequence if we win tho?”

ReturnedFaith 12:59 PM: "He is more experienced”

ReturnedFaith 12:59 PM: "but I dont really have as many responsibilities”

ReturnedFaith 12:59 PM: "so I'm free to be a bit more loose”

ReturnedFaith 12:59 PM: "but I will have to get back to work soon”

otherLiam 1:00 PM: "what exactly is your work?”

ReturnedFaith 1:00 PM: "Producing”

Slinky Stinks△ 1:00 PM: "yea he produces”

ReturnedFaith 1:00 PM: "providing BUP and others with whatever they need”

/Mr. Circle\ 1:00 PM: "this guy produces”

otherLiam 1:01 PM: "what do they need now?”

ARGdov 1:01 PM: "they need the d”

ReturnedFaith 1:01 PM: "things”

ARGdov 1:01 PM: "like I said”

ReturnedFaith 1:01 PM: "but no really”

ARGdov 1:01 PM: "the d”

ReturnedFaith 1:01 PM: "they need a lot of stuff”

ReturnedFaith 1:01 PM: "including the d”

ARGdov 1:01 PM: "I, too am in need of....things”

ReturnedFaith 1:01 PM: "and stuff?”

Slinky Stinks△ 1:01 PM: "CONFIRMED”

ARGdov 1:01 PM: "welp Im glad we have one thing in common then”

Slinky Stinks△ 1:01 PM: "bup needs the d”

otherLiam 1:01 PM: "dov stop bein horny on main”

ARGdov 1:02 PM: "pffff”

ARGdov 1:02 PM: "trust me this isnt me being horny”

/Mr. Circle\ 1:02 PM: "dov only has main to be horny on”

ReturnedFaith 1:02 PM: "if they require the d, then Im afraid I must provide”

ARGdov 1:02 PM: "that as well”

ARGdov 1:02 PM: "welp”

Xenquility 1:02 PM: "Oh god”

Xenquility 1:02 PM: "Hot”

Slinky Stinks△ 1:02 PM: "prod, provide your d”

Xenquility 1:02 PM: "Can I join you guys”

ARGdov 1:02 PM: "if they need a lot of things they must be preparing for something”

ReturnedFaith 1:02 PM: "I dont work for you, traitor”

otherLiam 1:02 PM: "(also sorry for goin off on you yesterday  dov)”

ARGdov 1:02 PM: "(its cool lol)”

/Mr. Circle\ 1:02 PM: "may we please have d?”

Slinky Stinks△ 1:03 PM: "(Nigga who u called traitor)”

Xenquility 1:03 PM: "If you guys are providing d Ill join”

ARGdov 1:03 PM: "man ok I did not intend to derail this with shitposting lol”

Slinky Stinks△ 1:03 PM: "so”

ARGdov 1:03 PM: "either way, like I just said”

Slinky Stinks△ 1:03 PM: "do we provide the d?”

Ross the Claus 🎄 1:03 PM: "heard something about someone producing a d”

ARGdov 1:03 PM: "they need things (potentially including the d) to do...something”

ARGdov 1:03 PM: "potentially a ritual?”

ARGdov 1:03 PM: "who knows”

Slinky Stinks△ 1:04 PM: "now its when the d means: DESTRUCTIVE LASERGUN”

otherLiam 1:04 PM: "man who knows anything”

Ross the Claus 🎄 1:04 PM: "Ritual involving the d. Sounds about right for this arg”

ARGdov 1:04 PM: "I love performing rituals with my d”

otherLiam 1:05 PM: "we dunno who these guys are, what theyre tryin to do or if we should even be trying to stop them”

Slinky Stinks△ 1:05 PM: "nah girl i cant go out with u tonigth, i gotta perform theritual with my d”

ARGdov 1:05 PM: "shh”

otherLiam 1:05 PM: "hell maybe we want them to succeed”

ARGdov 1:05 PM: "I dont trust anyone who has the kind of power BUP currently has”

otherLiam 1:05 PM: "maybe them doing their thing will fuck with our other enemies”

Slinky Stinks△ 1:05 PM: "nah m8”

Xenquility 1:05 PM: "I wanna get :BUP:ed with their d”

ARGdov 1:05 PM: "Im not trusting anyone except for potentially SKM”

otherLiam 1:05 PM: "who knows”

ReturnedFaith 1:05 PM: "since you asked nicely”

ReturnedFaith 1:05 PM: ((A distorted D image is posted))

Slinky Stinks△ 1:05 PM: "producer has 10 times less the power that bup has”

Sheena0 1:06 PM: "i kinda feel we need to figure them out first then go to understanding their reason”

Xenquility 1:06 PM: "THE D”

Xenquility 1:06 PM: "YES”

Slinky Stinks△ 1:06 PM: "THE D”

ARGdov 1:06 PM: "Im still thinking about this”

otherLiam 1:06 PM: "Producer is now my favorite”

ARGdov 1:06 PM: "why would I have a different discord account to be horny on lol”

otherLiam 1:06 PM: "“main” isnt your discord account, it’s the chat you’re in”

ReturnedFaith 1:07 PM: "now i need to get back to work”

ARGdov 1:07 PM: "ah fair”

ReturnedFaith 1:07 PM: "for real”

ARGdov 1:07 PM: "well Im in other groups”

ReturnedFaith 1:07 PM: "bye for now”

ARGdov 1:07 PM: "but rest assured”

Slinky Stinks△ 1:07 PM: "wait prod”

otherLiam 1:07 PM: "have fun producer”

ReturnedFaith 1:07 PM: "whats up traitor”

ARGdov 1:07 PM: "if I was being horny on main you'd all tell me to leave”

otherLiam 1:07 PM: "ooo shit”

ARGdov 1:07 PM: "anyways, bye producer”

[ladyrijus]

22 Questions

I was tagged by the lovely Rafs from @go-setyoursoulonfire

1 - Name: Arya

2 - Nickname: Um... Arya 😂

3 - Star Sign: Pisces

4 - Gender: Female

5 - Sexuality: Pansexual

6 - Favourite colour: Purple and light teal!

7 - Time Right Now: 1:04 pm when I started, 1:20 when I ended

8 - Average Hours of Sleep: Five usually I don’t sleep that well

9 - The last thing I googled: “face with tears of joy emoji” in order to answer number 2

10 - Number of Blankets: I have three that I use for the winter and they’re all on the ground when it’s summer oops

11 - Favourite Fictional Character: Ahhhh that’s a hard one, I would say Ezran from the Dragon Prince? I will literally die for this smol boy he’s just too precious --

12 - What are you wearing right now: Oversized hoodie and shorts

13 - Favourite Book: I’ve got to say Percy Jackson and the Olympians and Heroes of Olympus! I haven’t read too much into the Magnus Chase series and the Trials of Apollo one cuz I haven’t had the time :(

14 - Favourite Musician: 

Kpop: Hmmm I wonder... y’all know the answer to this

Western: Uhh they’re not really that well known but it’s Keshi, Rini, and Before You Exit!

15 - Dream Job: To be a composer/songwriter! But realistically speaking someone in the medical field

16 - Number of followers: 54!

17 - When did you create your account: May 20, 2019! Yes I’m a new blog

18 - What do you post about: I reblog mainly, but you’ll see me posting just about anything, from moodboards to piano covers to fics to tags like these I guess.

19 - What made you get an account: Literally spite 😂 We love a rebellious daughter

20 - When did your blog reach its peak: I’ll reach higher peaks but lately it’s been my first Jisung anatomy thingy with 185 notes! I’m really glad people liked it! But dang Jisung gets a lot of love around here, I posted for Minho, Hyunjin, and Chan and they got nowhere near that much 🤔

21 - Do you get asks on a daily basis: HA I wish. I WANT ASKS GUYS BE NOSY

22 - Why did you choose your url: I used to dream about having tumblr so obviously I thought way too much into this

Essentially this was around the time we were given the name ‘Stay’ and I was losing my mind over it

And I was like ‘if I ever get a tumblr it’s gonna have District 9 and the word Stay in it’

And I was like ‘District Stay? Stay District? that sounds kind of authoritarian tho’ and then i thought “no I want this to be a safe platform for Stays, like a station.’ 

*cue the lightbulb*

*gasps*

S T A Y T I O N - N I N E

I’m not joking that’s actually what happened --

So yeah, I want to tag @chans-roses @rosie-tae @secretgayygent and @jkookownsmyass! I kind of randomly selected you all, I hope you don’t mind ^^;

[skadventuretime]

fic writer appreciation day

sliding in real late to throw some love to the writers whose work has touched or otherwise influenced me these past two years. thank you, thank you for sharing your words with us. 

if you check any of these out, please leave them a nice comment and tell them i sent you! 

Soul Eater:

Fire and Light by @adulterclavis If we have ever exchanged polite greetings, you have heard me yell about how much I love this fic. It’s got action, high fantasy, and that enemies to friends to lovers vibe soaked in blood that I absolutely cannot get enough of. Check this art I commissioned for it, too, and know that my inbox is always open for F&L yodeling. While you’re at it, binge the rest of her fics because they have some of the best writing around, and nowhere else will you get to read such prime AU mashups as Ocean’s 11/Fast and the Furious and Mean Girls/Jennifer’s Body. 

Quantum Entanglement by @marshofsleep Marsh is another one where it’s like you read one thing, and then another, and then suddenly it’s 4:27 AM and you had last looked at the clock at 6:15 PM and you’re laughing but just finished crying??? This one has a soft spot in my heart for how natural all the relationships feel and the way Marsh’s minimalist-fuck-you-up style has you laughing at how useless Soul is one moment and then crying about existential family relationship bullshit the next. Oh, and please read her Princess Mononoke AU thank u goodnight.

Lethal Weapon by @victoriapyrrhi A fandom classic, and rightly so. Action, mutual pining, and UST you might actually choke on, LW will keep you up all night because you just need to know what happens next.

NOT LOVERS by @makapedia This is a big comfort fic for me. There is such a nice domesticity going on with these absolutely useless nerds, and I love every tortuous moment of ‘oh my god will they FINALLY talk about their feel--oop, nope, there they go off into the emotional woods.’ And if you’re a thirsty ho like me, Kat also p much supplies like 75% of the fandom’s smut, so.

and to what thoughts by @myrkks SO. I love love loved this because as someone who also struggles with OCD, it was a literal cloud-parting, angels-singing moment to see Kid written this way. Someone else gets it, and gets him, and it has stuck with me ever since. The imagery throughout is gorgeous and haunting, too. EDIT: haHA I just reread it and now I’m crying, so, yeah.

The Hybrid Theory by @silly-twin-stars Silfic heals my soul. This is her ongoing longfic and I love everything about the banter, the mutual pining, the drama. Also check out her past two Resbangs because they have that same lighthearted, uplifting feel.

Misc

you and me and the ocean by @scarfblogs (Noragami) /sweats so the real problem here is that I have not read nearly enough of my fandom wife’s works, but this one has always stuck with me for its poetic phrasing and bittersweet tone. Anyway, go mine her entire AO3 page, she is a work of art.

Boys by @caseyvalhalla (Kingdom Hearts) KH1&2 were formative games for middle and high school Madi, but they came at a time when I thought I had to be an Adult™ and do the Adult Thing of looking down on all forms of online fandom and fanfiction and of course *I* could never allow myself to produce such content, either. You cannot imagine the amount of retroactive shoulder shaking I wish I could inflict on past me. ANYWAY, this fic smacked me in the face with all of the feelings for these kids I so foolishly thought I had ‘’’’’outgrown’’’’’ and it’s so incredibly situated in time and place. I suggest you do what I did and, immediately after binging this, go through the rest of her KH fics and cry strangely cathartic tears.

Deceitful Above All Things by Quillslinger (Kingdom Hearts) This one is Bones’s fault. After I finished crying to her about Casey’s stuff, she was like ‘here, take this’ and then sat back and smirked at my increasingly distressed keysmashes. Anyway, just....if you like gut-punchy bittersweet Akuroku, this is your jam.

But That Was In Another Country by Guardian1 (Kingdom Hearts) Confession: I haven’t finished this yet. In fact, I haven’t even made it past the first chapter. But the writing and the content has already made me cry and need to stop and walk around, so it deserves its place here. I intend to finish it soon so I can then finish FFIX so Bones can sic this person’s apparently devastating FFIX fic on me.

L’appel du Vide by Xov (Persona 5) I’m just....so incredibly invested in Akeshu, and I really like how this writer gets their neuroses and I love how much of a fucking mess my boy Goro is and just, it’s another comfort/catharsis fic.

[writefasttalkevenfaster]

Rafael Barba / Witness

For 500 Follower Celebration (lol I’m so late): 

Request: Rafael falling in love with a witness in a case. 

Hey I’m finally done with 500 followers! Right when I’m really close to 900 followers....Oops. Well at least its done. I think this one of the things I’m most proud of that I ever wrote, (and I NEVER like my writing lol). Please enjoy!

At first, you were just another name in one of the many files that had landed on his desk. Just another i to dot, another t to cross, just another a rapist to catch. It should have been simple, a simple open and shut case that should have landed him a deal and landed the file in his sentencing pile, but you were the unknown, or rather unexpected. He hadn’t known what a name could mean to him, that those letters printed side-by-side neatly in black and white could make a smile pull at his lips, a light-heartedness flutter in his chest, and a desire to appear that he had never allowed himself to feel in a long, long while. No, he hadn’t known you would make him feel this way. You were just another name, at first.

But that’s when you knocked at his door, arriving promptly for your appointment with him to go over your testimony for the trial. Time had escaped him as it always did, even with Carmen’s ten minute warning, he hadn’t even gotten time to review your file.

Well, no time like the present. He offered you coffee or a drink, but you waved him off, as he rifled through the files on his desk, trying to find your ever clusive file. But as he did, he noticed how you were fidgeting in your seat, fingering the hem of your skirt, foot nervously tapping against his hardwood floors. “There’s no need to be nervous,” He said, your head snapping up.

“I’m not!” You exclaimed, a bit too loudly to be taken seriously, he raised an eyebrow, eyes falling to your skirt and you seemed to realize, hand falling away from the fabric as your arms crossed over your chest. “I’m just a bit...uncomfortable.”

Seemed like more than just “a bit.” He shrugged, as he finally pulled your file from the bottom of the monstrous stack precariously teetering on his desk. He flipped through, spotting your name and Liv’s own notes on your testimony. You had spotted the fourth victim and the offender together, leaving a bar, practically dragging the girl out. You hadn’t thought much of it at the time, but you had noted his tight grip on her wrist.

“Ms. L/N, let’s run through your testimony,” He was met with silence at first, and when he finally looked up from the file, he realized he hadn’t really looked at you since you came in. Merely a glance at your general figure, and if he was asked before, he wouldn’t have been able to pick you out of a lineup, and now, well he didn’t know whether he could ever forget. Your simple sunflower colored blouse and black skirt made him think of a bumblebee, and your mannerisms were just that: nervous, fluttery, and defensive. You yourself reminded him more of the flower that a bee would pollinate: beautiful, breathtaking, and blushing. But something was clearly wrong. Your brow was furrowed, gaze cast downward, arms still holding the same position. “You okay?” It was obvious to him that your nerves were getting the better of you, that much was apparent to him, but he couldn’t let it happen on the stand.

“I guess I’m more nervous than I’d like to let on,” You finally admitted, dropping your arms to your lap, folding them. “I’ve just never done something like this before,”

“Testify? I would hope not,” You smiled at that remark, and he felt himself do the same, as he then went around the desk, perching himself on the edge to talk to you. “Look, just tell me what happened, and we’ll go over any possible questions the defense will throw at you. You won’t be the one they focus on anyway.”

He thought he would see relief flood your features, but instead a frown formed at his words. “You mean they’ll be laying into Ms. Lynch instead?” Guilt was scrawled across your face, as you could no longer meet his eyes.

“Yes, they will be,” His words were quiet, but truthful. He couldn’t afford to coddle her, no matter how much he wanted to. “But the best thing you can do for her is prepare for the trial and make it easier on her, okay?” His hand brushed yours, almost involuntarily, just for a moment, before he moved away, clearing his throat. “Let’s start at the beginning, Ms. L/N.” But you were no longer just a name. Not to him.

Rafael knew he shouldn’t have done it, he shouldn’t have given you his personal phone number, but he couldn’t find it in him to say to no to your request. And though you assured him it was for practical reasons, only if you had questions about the trial or the testimony would you call. You two had went through the testimony many a time, but there were still things that caught you off guard, answers you didn’t quite give without hesitance. He found the worst questions were the easy ones: name, occupation, and background. He chalked it to nerves, the one weakness in your testimony. However, it had taken several sessions, you had gotten the answers down pat. And though he did believe you, in his heart of hearts, he could only hope perhaps there was a chance for something more. But he couldn’t push the boundaries of professionalism any further, no matter much he wished to see her, to call her, to know her, he couldn’t call, but the small hope remained ever present, as you could.

And you did.

It was 11 PM. A late night at the office once again that had become far too common for him. When he first started, he would leave 5 PM sharp, with a few exceptions, but he always noted how his bosses would remain in their offices seemingly no matter what the hour was. And now it appeared he became the same. He rubbed at his eyes, still burning from the fact that he had arrived in the office bright and early to prep for arraignments and hearings. He sighed at the pile of briefs still strewn about his desk, and held his head. He needed a drink. But instead, he got a phone call.

He picked up without a second thought, holding his head in one hand and the phone in the other. “Hello,”

“Hello?” Your voice was barely above a whisper, the underlying edge of fear catching his attention, as he frowned, holding the phone closer.

“Y/N, is something the matter?” His voice was low, as he got to his feet, pressing the phone to his ear. He heard something move, a curtain perhaps, the shingles jingling as you pulled it shut again. “Y/N?” he repeated, insistent on an answer to his question. You had left him teetering on the edge of a precipice a moment too long.

“There’s someone outside my apartment,” Your voice was tight with anxiety, and he felt himself, as his shoulders tightened, heartrate kicking up at your words. “He’s been just staring at my apartment for an hour now.”

“But-”

“Rafael,” The sound of desperation in your voice knocked the wind out of him, “He has a gun. He flashed it at me that means, he - he saw me.” Your voice broke, and his heart did too, right alongside it. He felt a stab of terror, right through his chest, and he hadn’t known he could feel such fear for someone before, but you were no longer just a name. You were so much more.

“I’m coming, don’t look outside again, and get away from the window.”

By the time he arrived, Liv and Amanda were already outside your apartment. The police lights and sirens had already alerted him to their presence, and he was grateful for that. The man had already fled by the time they arrived, no trace of him remaining. You stood cross armed in front of them, a jacket pulled over your nightie, hair still askew, and your eyes glassy with tears, and yet...you still managed to take his breath away. He hurried himself along, trying not to seem in too much of a rush as he approached them. “Rafael,” Liv said, in surprise, brow furrowing as you frowned.

“You didn’t have to come all this way counselor, we have it under control.” Rollins told him, raising a single eyebrow, looking between you and Rafael.

“I asked him to come,” You were unable to meet his gaze, gaze falling to your feet, before shivering. “I was afraid, I didn’t know who else to call,”

“You could have called us-

“But I wanted to come, and I had offered her my support when we were doing the testimony.” He added, before offering you a small smile. “I’m glad everything is okay,”

“Rafael,” Liv jerked her head, as he followed her, trailing behind her, knowing that this was the beginning of a lecture. “What are you doing here?”

“Liv-”

“No, Rafa,” He met her hard gaze, it was like being caught in a police spotlight, as if she could see through his excuses and lies with a single shine.“I see the way you look at her, you need to be careful. You just got off probation with the D.A.”

“I don’t need you to remind me of that,” He grumbled. How could he forget? He was lucky not to have lost his career after the stunt he pulled. The D.A. wasn’t all forgiving however. One more toe out of line, and he’d be sacked, that much he knew. And Liv was right, he knew she was. But that didn’t make it any less easier. “Look, she’s an important witness, we need her to feel safe cooperating, otherwise she might withdraw her testimony,”

“And that’s all you were doing here? Checking on a witness?” He couldn’t meet her gaze, as she shifted from side to side, and shook her head, sighing. “I just want to be careful okay? Don’t screw this up.”

“Got it.” He muttered, as the two of them rejoined you and Rollins. He tried to remain focused on the conversation at hand, but his thoughts kept wandering to you. You stood in barely much more than a nightie, knees knocking together because of the cold. You didn’t deserve this. But who truly did?

“We’ll leave a squad car outside your apartment in case anything happens.” She pulled a card out from her jacket pocket, handing it to you. “Please call if you need anything,”

“I will, thank you, Lieutenant Benson, Detective Rollins.” The two nodded, assuring you before helping to disperse the crowd, Liv took one last glance at him, one last warning, before she disappeared inside a car.

“Rafael,” He snapped out of his own reverie at your utterance. He turned to you, as you licked your lips, doing an expert job to avoid his gaze, almost swaying from side to side. “Thank you too, I’m sorry to have dragged you out here so late, I just didn’t think,”

“There’s no need for you to apologize, Y/N,” His words were soft, as if he hoped the smaller they were the less of an impact they would make. “Like I told Lieutenant Benson, I came because I wanted to.”

You blinked twice, and it might of been his imagination, a trick of the light, but your cheeks seemed to darken ever so slightly, and he couldn’t seem to stop staring at it. “Thank you,” A silence fell between the two of you for several seconds, neither of you quite able to meet the other’s gaze.

“Raf-”

“Y/N-”

You both stopped, he stammered, hesitating. “You go fir-”

“I-”

“Rafael!” But the decision was already made for the both of you. The A.D.A. flinched as a large hand clapped him on his shoulder, making you jump, much to his chagrin. “Fancy meetin’ you here. Lieu called me down. She wanted me to watch after Y/N,” He held out his hand, “Detective Carisi, but you can call me Sonny,” He winked at you, much to Rafael’s immediate infuriation, as you simply raised your eyebrows for a moment, glancing between the two of them, before chuckling.

“Nice to meet you, Sonny,” Carisi seemed satisfied with your response, as he then turned to him.

“I’m goin’ to go get set up alright?” Hands now in his pockets, he gave a knowing smile. “You should get outta here before any more criminals turn up, wouldn’t want Y/N to worry about you,” He stared at the detective’s retreating back. As subtle as a rock. He would have to thank Liv for telling Carisi everything.

He shifted his gaze back to you, as you gave a small smile. “He’s right. You should get home, it’s getting late.”

And in that moment, he could have offered to stay, he could have told you he wanted to stay, he had a chance in that moment, to say something, anything, but he didn’t. Liv’s words were ringing in his ears. He couldn’t. He shouldn’t. He knew his place, and it was not beside you; it was in front of a jury. And so he left, bidding you goodbye, knowing that tomorrow would come soon enough, the trial would be over. But the night wasn’t.

He awoke to a ringing, an annoying buzzing from his cellphone that seemed endless. In his sleepy haze, he clawed at his phone rejecting the call, and falling back on his pillow, settling back in, and the ringing would then return. The cycle repeated another two times, before he picked up the call with a growl. “What?”

“Barba, where the hell have you been? We’ve been callin’ ya,” Rollins southern drawl came over clear as day, as he squinted at the time. 3 A.M.

“Where all sane people are at 3 o’clock in the morning,” He muttered, wiping the sleep from his eyes, as he sat up with a heavy sigh. “Asleep!”

“Do you think I’d be callin’ you now unless it’s absolutely important?” His mind buzzed at that thought, a sharp intake of breath, “It’s Y/N,”

And for the first time, he had wished your name hadn’t meant so much more to him. He got to your apartment, a jacket pulled on over a haphazardly buttoned shirt and a pair of wrinkled slacks. His feet hit the pavement hard as he sprinted, his heart in his ears, the noise around him drowned out by the visceral fear he felt. Rollins had been vague on the phone about what exactly was going on, his mind racing with the possibilities, as he walked up the steps to your apartment. He knocked, the door swinging open to reveal a stony faced Carisi.

“You’re not goin’ to believe this,” He muttered, stepping aside to allow Rafael to step inside the apartment. The apartment itself was sparse, appliances lined the kitchen counter to the left the window that was across from where he was, a few knick knacks lined the shelves, a few books here and there. You sat between a hovering Rollins, whose eyes were trained on you as if you would disappear the moment she took her eyes off of you, and an exhausted Liv was next to her, holding her temples, fingers spread across her hairline. And then there was you. Hands folded in your lap, your eyes darting back and forth, as you refused to meet his gaze in the slightest. Your bumblebee nature was still ever present, but there was something else beneath it that he couldn’t quite place, something the others were seeing that he wasn’t.

“Liv, what’s going on?” Liv finally looked up to meet his eyes: hard and irritated.  

“Why don’t you let him explain?” The door to the bedroom swung open, a gruff man stepping out from behind the door. He stepped out from the other room, locking his cellphone, before tucking away into his jacket.

“Who are you?”

“U.S. Marshall,” He held up his badge, “I’m here to take Ms. L/N,” He clasped a hand on your shoulder, and you still could not look up, eyes practically glued to the floor.

“On what grounds? She’s a witness in rape investigation,” He crossed his arms, his eyebrows raising, as he scratched behind his ear, giving a shake of his head.

“I’m afraid she’s not your witness anymore,” His brow furrowed, as he took a step forward, “And she never was supposed to be to begin with,” That last remark was directed toward you, making you squirm in your seat, guilty gaze still unable to meet Rafael’s.

“And then I ask you again,” He said through gritted teeth, “On. What. Grounds?” “I’m in witness protection,” All heads snapped to you, but your gaze was only concentrated on Rafael, tears stinging at the corners of your eyes, as you gripped your knees tightly, fingernails digging into your skin. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t tell you, I risked compromising my location if I did,” The room held fell into a hush silence, as he know couldn’t meet your gaze, turning from you, stuffing his clenched fists into his pockets, though he knew he couldn’t hide his aggravation from you.

Why did you lie to me? “Why did you tell us you could testify?” His words were laced with malice, the same malice they taught in criminal law classes, the same anger raged within him, as he thought of all the time wasted, all the lies, all the consequences.

“What did you want me to do? If I hadn’t testified, I would have had to given a reason, and then you could have compelled me to testify and that would have caused a bigger mess,” Your voice quiet, but firm, as he whirled to meet your eyes. “I know you would have made me, one way or another, Rafael,”

“Is it really fair to judge me when I don’t even know a damn thing about you?” He spat.  Your name, he didn’t even know your name. Liv stepped forward, while Carisi put a hand on Rafael’s shoulder, pulling him aside.

“Isn’t there anything we can do, counselor?” He muttered, as Rafael only grew more irritated with this superfluous sidebar.

He brushed his hand away, striding away, as if distance would make it easier. He was resigned. “There’s nothing we can do, she’s in witness protection, it’s not in my jurisdiction.”

“We’re going to relocate her now, just waiting on the car to arrive, so you best say your goodbyes,” The U.S. Marshall stepped out, pulling his phone out once again to make another call. “Lieutenant, detectives, can you come with me?” Liv nodded at Rafael, before stepping out after the Marshall. The two detectives followed after, both giving one last glance at the two of you, before shutting the door.

Finality. That was the one thing Rafael always had trouble with. With the law, nothing was truly ever final. Perhaps that’s why he had chosen law over medicine, the only two occupations that could have gotten him out of El Barrio. Death was final, but the law wasn’t. There were appeals to be had, arguments, motions, new trials, it was never over. Cases came and went off and on his desk, and sometimes they would return and other times they wouldn’t, but he never knew which would. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to say goodbye, especially when he could barely stand to look at you. You were the one to move first, the chair’s legs scratching against the hardwood floors, your slow footsteps behind him seemed to knock the wind out of him. “Rafael, I’m so sorry,”

“You’re sorry?” He barked, a bitter chuckle, as he shook his head. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me, Y/N,” He knew her name was a lie, but he couldn’t help wanting to hold onto it, just like he wanted so desperately hold onto her. “Don’t tell me you're sorry,” Your hand was on his shoulder, fingers splayed across its width, a jolt of lightning that left him powerless as you made him face you. And the look you gave him was almost too much for him to bear.

“What do you want me to do then?” Your lips were in a tight frown, lower lip protruding, the red of your lipstick barely visible. He stepped forward, towards you, even though he knew with every passing second you were getting further and further away.

And for once, he didn’t hold back, because he knew he wouldn’t have another chance. “Stay,” He whispered, as your fingers on his shoulder tightened.

“I can’t,” And he knew, god he knew that you couldn’t stay. Your hand had made its way to his cheek, your thumb brushing against his skin, as he leaned into your touch, his own hand resting on top of yours.

“Then what can you do?” He posed the question expecting no real answer, but well meaning excuses and half-hearted gestures, but you did neither. Instead, your other hand took his shoulder, as you leaned up, pressing your lips to his. It was cruel, malicious even, for you to kiss him, because now that he knew the taste of your lips, the warmth of your breath on his lips, the feeling of your nails digging into his shoulder, and now he never wanted to let go.

But he had to.

A hard knock at the door sent the two of you jumping apart, the Marshall stuck his head in, “Car’s here.”

“Give us a minute,” But the door was closed before you could even finish the sentence. Silence, once again. He didn’t kiss you again, no, he just wanted to hold you for another minute, engrain the sensation of your gentle, fluttery touch, before you flew to another flower. Another knock, and he began to retract, but you hadn’t let go. Not until you whispered something in his ear.

He hadn’t quite realized what you had said until you were gone, it had happened in a moment, and only after you had gotten into the backseat, car door slamming behind you, did he realize.

You had told him your real name.

The trial had come and gone, Rafael had showed up to court with no sleep, no witness, and no summation, as he had crumpled it up on the way in. Your testimony had left a hole in the story, but not an irreparable one. He did tell you that your testimony wasn’t completely crucial in the case, but that didn’t mean you weren’t to him. He had managed to glide over his missing witness well enough, but the damage still remained. He could fix it in the summation, but he didn’t have one at the moment, nor did he have you.. But there wasn’t time for these thoughts, he chided his mind into focusing, as he watched Buchanan whip the jury awake with his theatrics. He looked down at his notes, before leaning back in his chair. He swore he could still feel the touch of your fingers on his shoulder. Buchanan took his seat, and allowed him to cross. He stood, buttoning his suit jacket, looking from Buchanan to the jury. There was only one thing left to do, and it was the thing he did best: wing it.

And so he did, leaving the jury to deliberate for three days. Occasionally they would pop their heads out to say they were deadlocked, and then the cycle would repeat. He didn’t even have to guess. The press was clamoring for a scoop, feeding off any scrap they could get, so the jury was under strict supervision as they continued their deliberations, day and night. He would be lucky if he got a hung jury, but that was only his hurt ego speaking. It was truly anyone’s game, but even he would emerge a loser. no matter the outcome. But the jury did not decide, they remained deadlocked, to the point where the judge finally ruled a mistrial. And thus the whole process started again at the beginning.

Months had passed without a new break in the case, and Rafael did not want to take the risk of taking the case to court without new evidence on the table. So they moved onto new cases, the Bennett case falling to the wayside. And everyone continued on as best they could, each day brought new horrors as always, and it was as if nothing had happened at all. But it did. And it didn’t help when he was being forced to transfer the case to another A.D.A. so he could take on higher priority cases that the D.A. wanted him to handle. The Bennett case was no longer in his hands, as he packed up the files and notes he had taken, he came across a copy of your testimony and frowned.

He could not rid himself of thoughts of you, no matter how hard he tried. Each time he thought he was rid of you, he would find himself scrawling your name absentmindedly the corner of a brief, when he had one too many a drink. His fingers would find himself typing your name, fingers moving of their own accord, into the search bar, mouse hovering over search each time, but he would never hit enter. You were part of something, something that happened before you met him, and yet you still trusted him with your name, the single most important piece of your identity you were sworn to absolute secrecy. He would never break that trust, ever. And if you ever found your way back to him, it would be when you were free to live as yourself, not as someone else. And now this case was someone else’s problem as well.

“Rafael,” Liv’s voice snapped him from his thoughts, standing by the door, waiting to enter. He frowned at her odd gesture, frowning at her, before moving back his chair. “I want to talk about the Bennett case,”

Rafael flinched at the name, before sighing, running his fingers through his hair. “That case is no longer mine, the D.A. had transferred it to another A.D.A. And I told you, just as I told Ms. Lynch,  I, or A.D.A. Mansilla, can’t take it to trial unless you can find some new evidence.”

“How about some old evidence?” Liv stepped aside, and Rafael thought he was dreaming. Oh, it must be a dream. “She came down to the precinct when your office gave her the runaround on the status of the case. And since you’re no longer the A.D.A. in charge, I thought you would like to introduce her to A.D.A. Mansilla yourself.” Her words went in one ear and out the other, as his eyes remained fixated on you, as if you would disappear before him if he glanced away for even a moment. There wasn’t any possibility of this happening in reality, he had this dream many a time, and it would always end just before he got to hold you, before he could feel your fingers on his again. And he would awake, in a cold sweat, not just sad or upset, but empty, sickeningly empty. He would lie awake wondering how long would fate keep toying with him. “I’ll leave you two alone for a moment.” Liv gave a small smile, before the door shut behind her.

“Rafael,” Oh, how he had longed to hear your voice, to hear your melodious pronunciation of his name that sent a shiver down his spine. It was a moment before he moved. He was just wanted to take you in, in case you disappeared. Simple things were different: your makeup was darker, your hair was now it’s natural color, it was shorter, a length you preferred, and your makeup was darker. A simple red dress that fell to your knees, in contrast to the yellow and black of before, you were no longer the bee, but the flower you always were underneath. “Oh Rafael, I missed you,” At those words, he couldn’t stand it anymore, he needed to know, whether this was a trick of the mind or deception of the heart, but it was neither. It was you, and he knew it the moment he wrapped his arms around you, your hands resting on his shoulders, before wrapping around his upper back. “I have to explain,”

“No, no, just wait. There’s time for you to explain. I just need to hold you...I thought I’d never see you again,” He whispered he had very much feared these past months, the ones he would push down beneath his ego, attitude, and logic, but the same ones that would rise like bile past his barriers. “I thought you were gone,”

“I know, I’m sorry,” You whispered, before looking up, seeing a tear slide down his cheek, your fingers moving up to brush it, but instead, took your hand, pulled you to his lips. And he tried to convey just how much he truly missed you, the feelings he could not adequately express: the hurt, the loss, the pain, the joy, and the love. And as he pulled away, he saw your eyes flutter open, a wide grin identical to his own on your lips, before you shyly looked away for moment, pausing. “Can you say it?”

He smiled, tilting your chin with the tips of his fingers, as made you meet his gaze. He didn’t even have to ask what you meant. “Y/N L/N.”

And you were so much more than just a name.

Tags List: @rosathawne, @the-geekgoddes, @justpastthesecondstar @laneygthememequeen @anime-music-is-life @snek-shit @dreila03, @taylorhogle0510, @serendiptious-esparza,  @procrastdanation @mwesterfeld1985 @mypretty-weeper @p-i-n-e-a-p-p-l-e-s   @iworldlywriter @aspiringyoungwriter @supermoonpanda, @occamybarnes@iammostdefinitelyonfire26, @meganlpie  @sweetsummertime99

[my-lazy-genius]

FraPan, “All I know is that I can’t stop thinking about you. I don’t know if it’s love, or if it’s obsession, or fear, but I’m ready to find out” for the fic thing

Send me a request!

Title: Rabbit HeartFandom: Hetalia :: FraPanRequested by: AnonymousPrompt: “All I know is that I can’t stop thinking about you. I don’t know if it’s love, or if it’s obsession, or fear, but I’m ready to find out” from putthepromptsonpaperA/N: This is really late too. Sorry about that.

Coffee and papers fly as two strangers collide on their hurried paths, unaware of the fate that binds them in that moment.

“I’m so sorry,” starts one accented voice, but the other is already speaking.

He brushes dark hair from his face and gathers up his papers quickly. “I wasn’t watching where I was going either. Sorry about your coffee.”

Bright blue meets deep brown as papers are handed back to their rightful owners.

(And they never meet again, is how most things like their story ends.)

–

Kiku Honda keeps thinking about a nameless blond man with shining blue eyes. He keeps thinking about the way they reflect himself back at him, like glass.

Francis Bonnefoy keeps thinking of a nameless black haired man with eyes that pierced clean through him. He keeps thinking about the way they haunt him when he closes his eyes, bearing into his soul and withdrawing every tiny secret he hides there.

A man who fears love and a man who craves it in even the most painful forms, whose lives collide and unknowingly intertwine. A novel setting in a small world.

–

Their hands meet, reaching for the same book.

“Oh,” says Kiku, “sorry. You can- Oh.”

Their eyes alight with recognition.

“Hello, again,” Francis smiles, “were you going to get this?”

“Oh,” Kiku says again, eloquently, “no. I work here. I was just going to move it to its proper shelf. You can take it.”

Francis smiles that even smile. Kiku still cannot read him. It’s frustrating; he’s usually better than this.

“Thank you,” the blond says, prompting, and with a start, Kiku realizes he doesn’t have his name tag on.

“Honda,” he tells him, “Kiku Honda.”

“Mr. Honda,” he murmurs, thoughtfully, as though the words taste like sweets on his tongue.

–

(Dear Kiku Honda, the first letter reads, when Kiku finds it in the book return pile.

Fate is an odd and benevolent thing. I wonder if it intended for us to meet?)

–

“Are you going- Oh,” Francis blinks, pauses, and then starts again, “Mr. Honda.”

Kiku goes still, statue-like, lips slightly parted and eyes fixed on the blond.

“Francis,” the blond introduces himself, “Francis Bonnefoy. Apologies; I never did introduce myself, did I?”

“No,” Kiku cracks an almost smile, “not until now.”

Francis holds the cafe door open. “Third time’s the charm, I suppose.”

(Fate comes in fits and bursts, rearing its head when you least expect it.)

–

Kiku Honda is the man who fears love. He is afraid to trust, afraid to give someone his everything, and then be cut loose, as if there had been nothing to begin with. And maybe, he thinks, there hadn’t been. Perhaps he’ll only imagine it, and they’ll take pity until they find someone better.

So, yes, Kiku fears the idea of love. He’s rabbit hearted, fickle at best, and never firmly rooted in a meaningful relationship.

Francis Bonnefoy is the man who craves love. In any form he can find it, he springs, desperately. Relationships, friendships, friends with benefits, purely sexual relationships - he’s been through them all. They lose their touch, after a while, he concedes. He is afraid that he will never be loved as strongly as he loves. Most of the time, he thinks it’s something about him that drives others away, but he smiles and carries on, nonetheless.

So, yes, Francis craves the idea of love. He is unrelenting in his beliefs, but lately something in him sways, hesitating, wondering what am I doing?

(They both gave up on love until they met each other; they just weren’t aware of it yet.)

–

Francis visits the library more. Sometimes, he comes to read. Sometimes, he comes to sit and draw designs. Sometimes, Kiku Honda peers over his shoulder, smiles, greets him, and carries on with his job.

Francis watches him, sometimes, when Kiku’s back is turned. Inexplicably, they’re drawn into each other’s orbits.

“Kiku,” says the dark haired man, one day, “you can just call me Kiku. Mr. Honda seems… too formal.”

Francis tips his head. “Are we friends?” He asks.

Kiku isn’t sure. He doesn’t answer right away; Francis doesn’t push it. He merely smiles that even smile and asks if Kiku is going to get coffee later.

“It’s a date,” Francis says, then clears his throat, thinks better of his words, and says, “I’ll see you later, then.”

–

[KHonda is online. 3:14am.]

(3:15 AM) KHonda: Francis? Your profile says you’re still online.

(3:16 AM) Charmant_Charmant: I am.

(3:16 AM) KHonda: It’s unhealthy to be up this late, you know. You should take care of yourself.

(3:17 AM) Charmant_Charmant: You’re one to talk. Aren’t you always up this late?

(3:21 AM) KHonda: I suppose you’re right. It’s hypocritical of me. Apologies.

(3:22 AM) Charmant_Charmant: You’re still so formal. It’s been what, almost a year that we’ve known each other? You don’t have to apologize over trivial things, Kiku.

(3:24 AM) KHonda: Sorry.

(3:24 AM) KHonda: Oops.

(3:25 AM) Charmant_Charmant: I was thinking about that, actually. You’re on my mind a lot, lately. It’s almost been a year, but I still don’t know what we are.

(3:28 AM) Charmant_Charmant: Are we friends, Kiku? I would assume, normally, but you’re different somehow. I know you distinguish friendships from acquaintances or people you just talk to, in any case - like with Ludwig and Feliciano. They’re your friends. But people like Alfred are just people you talk to. You’ve never made it clear with me.

(KHonda is typing…)

[KHonda is offline. 3:36 AM.]

(3:36 AM) Charmant_Charmant: Good night, Kiku.

–

“I couldn’t think of the right words to explain it,” Kiku tells him, days later, when he chases him down on the street and stands, breathing hard, lips parts and face flushed. “You’re my friend. Of course, you’re my friend. But you’re not; you’re more important than that to me. I care about you, Francis, and that terrifies me.”

Francis is still, holding his gaze. They’re the only two on the sidewalk, despite the crowds parting around them.

–

Francis doesn’t know who figures it out first. All he knows is that the moment he realizes, he knows this was different, more distinctive. This is not the feeling he’d been chasing for a good part of his life, the high he’d ridden in empty promises and short relationships. This is something solid and sure, something he can stand on without trembling and face a hurricane and scream back.

([KHonda is online. 11:58 AM.]

[Charmant_Charmant is online. 11:59 AM.]

(12:00 PM) Charmant_Charmant: Meet me at the cafe.

(12:01 PM) KHonda: I’m on my way.)

And he runs.

–

“All I know,” Francis tells him, when he and Kiku crash and grapple for each other, grabbing forearms and shoulders, breathless and wide eyed and bright, “is that I can’t stop thinking about you. I don’t know if it’s love, or if it’s obsession, or fear, but I’m ready to find out.”

“Okay,” Kiku breathes, “okay.”

–

(Dear Kiku, read the note.

The idea that you can’t love someone unless you love yourself first is a lie. I never loved myself as I should have, but you - god, you, I loved so much that I forgot what hating myself felt like.)

–

In years to come, Kiku Honda will achieve his dream of becoming an author and Francis Bonnefoy will become a world famous designer. They’ll each live out their lives in a comfortable home, with pets and the love of their lives.

(It’s just that life works in ways that drives them apart and brings them together. Kiku will write a book about that - it will be his bestseller, a story about two boys who find each other, against all odds. The world, he’ll say, is a small place. He’ll tell the interviewers that destiny has a plan for everyone, and then he’ll share a knowing little smile with his husband, who sits disguised nearby, with a fond smile on his lips.

And Kiku will go back to talking about his book, with no one any the wiser.)

[cicadacreativemag]

Proctoring software is a nightmare for students. It doesn’t have to be this way.

Jay Serrano, Editorial Director

As you all know: COVID. In response to the lack of in-person interaction, many colleges and universities have begun to use proprietary software to ensure students do not cheat during exams, most often ProctorU, Proctorio, and ExamSoft. I take 3 issues with this development:

1.) This is spyware.

When you require students to install software that quite literally watches them, that is spyware.

“Spyware describes software with malicious behavior that aims to gather information about a person or organization and send such information to another entity in a way that harms the user; for example by violating their privacy or endangering their device's security.” (Wikipedia)

Modern tech’s propensity for obsessive surveillance has become increasingly difficult to combat and virtually impossible to avoid. However, one would hope higher institutions would advocate for things like data privacy and personal agency. Instead, the director of academic testing services at Utah State University lightheartedly described Proctorio as “sort of like spyware that we just legitimize.” (Washington Post) The University of Arizona’s assistant director of technology  insisted students don’t mind because “they know this is an expectation because their professors put it out there.” Perhaps unsurprisingly, the student body says otherwise. (The Verge)  Additionally, the chief executive of Proctorio reflected on the situation with a dystopian, “we’re the police.” (Washington Post)

I could spiral into a separate tangent about how the US obsession with policing and instinct to punish accelerates the meritocratic rot of late stage capitalism under collaborative neoliberal and fascist rule, but suffice to say that no academic software should ever be comparing itself to law enforcement. That’s how dystopian horror movies start. Putting aside this horrendously inappropriate take, violating student privacy is a pattern—schools force us to engage with abusive proprietary software every day. Whether it’s opting us into a relationship with Google via school Gmail accounts, forcing students to have accounts with Adobe Creative Cloud as a requisite for even being able to engage with a course, or holding office hours via Microsoft Teams, there is an insidious drip of our data that is all being funneled through people who want to profit from it. All of these companies have been revealed to be astonishingly abusive with data. Google alone would take an entire new post to cover (4 lawsuits and counting).

I don’t expect universities to be a beacon of free and open-source software, especially given how frankly inconvenient most FOSS is. But I also don’t expect them to gleefully make it worse. Proctor software requires a webcam to view (and, usually, tour) a student’s living space and often uses biometrics to track their physical motion; it often features facial recognition and eye tracking. It also records the event and human proctors may be able to remotely control the student’s machine. (Washington Post) It seems almost absurd to have to explain the Orwellian nature of this type of surveillance, but in case this wasn’t clear: allowing for-profit companies to record and monitor students in their private living spaces because they might look up a Calculus formula is absolutely unhinged.

2.) It isn’t an effective measure for cheating and does not account for students with disabilities or, really, the majority of people.

One of the most infamous features of this type of software is that it tracks eye movement and physical motion. These are, perhaps, pretty easy behaviors to latch onto as signs of academic dishonesty. But, as is often the case, the easiest path is also the laziest and least thoughtful. The assumption that darting eyes and excessive motion are indicators of dishonesty is a lazy one that perpetuates ableist beliefs and assumptions.  Students with ADHD may have a difficult time sitting still or staring directly at the monitor. Students with anxiety may need periods of time to readjust, perhaps closing their eyes to re-center. A student on the autism spectrum may need to stim during an exam. Students with chronic pain and/or fatigue may need to take breaks to stretch or struggle with uncomfortable seating (hi, that’s me.) As one student reported, she struggles with tics, particularly in stressful situations (such as exams), which puts her in a situation where she is being recorded in a vulnerable moment as she struggles with her disability, which she describes as embarrassing.

Even neurotypical students often fidget (clicking a pen, shaking a leg, etc.) It’s a very normal response to stress and hyper-concentration. Several peer-reviewed studies indicate that motion can be an effective tool to aid memory retrieval and clearer cognition. There is no reason to flag this as a suspicious or negative behavior, either in person or virtually. The only reason to discourage this behavior is for their benefit--it is much easier to identify any behavior other than the strictly prescribed one than it is to actually prioritize all students’ learning. Conventional academic settings are notoriously unfriendly to neurodivergent students and are often directly detrimental to the professed goals of teaching and learning. This is very much an institutional problem. It is just even more glaring and naked when distilled in this way--when given the choice between letting students learn comfortably (requiring some recalibration of course material) and forcing disabled students to be recorded by a software that is trained to view them as inherently suspicious, universities chose the latter.

To refocus and summarize: This software strips students of effective coping tools to take a test and hinders their academic performance.

So far, we’ve identified two ways this software works to the detriment of students and have identified zero ways it works to our benefit. At this point, we must ask: “Who does this serve?”

3.) This is a byproduct of institutional laziness that does not value its undergraduate students.

We have access to all the information we could ever need to perform our tasks competently, rendering many old testing styles archaic and impractical. Of course, we should have some working knowledge, but most of us will not be in situations where we have 2 minutes to recall the types of fault lines of the North American plate.

It demonstrates a broader issue: universities take their undergraduate students for granted; they fleece us for money we don’t have under the pretense that good education costs good money, then refuse to intervene when they do not deliver on that promise. We’re forced to spend inordinate amounts of money on textbooks—an 88% increase between 2006 and 2016 (Vox)—and additional equipment like clickers (which are usually just used to take attendance). We have little recourse when our professors (especially tenured professors) implement abusive practices. But we make these institutions run. Without undergraduate students, every single one of these universities would go under. The institutional arrogance and entitlement seems to grow every day, becoming harder and harder to ignore. But we--and more importantly, they--know college is the single most important tool for upward class mobility. As the casualties of late stage capitalism’s death rattle, we have no choice. It’s why they do it--they know they’ll get away with it. They know we have nowhere else to go.

In this specific context, I understand the burden of reconfiguring a course is not an easy one to shoulder and I do not expect professors to suddenly have all the answers. However, by introducing this software, the professor shifts this burden to this student--again. It is not our burden to bear--again. We’re struggling as well—there is no need to make it worse.

Where do we go from here?

Some of my fellow Cicadas pointed out I left this on a fairly depressing note. Although I am determinedly cynical, I don’t think there’s any harm in sharing some ideas.

Proctoring software is generally used for summative assessments, which evaluates student learning at a given benchmark, like a midterm or a final exam. These are high stakes, which means there is a high incentive to cheat, hence the proctors. Formative assessments are lower stakes, things like a quick summary of a lecture or a mini-quiz. Formative assessments aid learning and summative assessments measure learning. Conventional wisdom says both are necessary. A trickle of research has indicated that this may not be the case and this teacher makes a very compelling case as for why summative assessments might not even be necessary anymore.

That in mind, the most logical way to resolve this proctoring issue would be to eliminate time-based, closed note summative tests. There are many ways to achieve this

Solution #1: More (formative) testing.

I think almost everyone can identify with the “cramming for a test” experience. You sit down at 11:00 PM to engage with the material for the first time before your 8:00 AM exam. If you’re like me, maybe you’re only just now reading the textbook (oops). You open Quizlet and stare at the screen till your eyes hurt. Is it too late to email the professor a clarification question? You sleep for 3 hours, remorsefully wobbling your way through the test as you desperately chug the dregs of your coffee. You leave the room and feel overwhelming relief. You pass the test and learn almost nothing.

Henry L. Roediger III, a famous cognitive psychologist known for his research on memory, asserts the following: fast learning leads to fast forgetting. Cramming is popular because it works. At least, long enough to get through the test. His study reveals that self-testing is an incredibly effective tool for learning, but that it is not leveraged in a productive way. He elaborates on a concept known as the “testing effect” and studies better testing practices, all of which you can find here.

Basically, he asserts that one day of intense formative assessments was so effective for learning that it enabled the student to survive a summative assessment. In other words, many times, a cramming situation occurs because the formative assessments either did not happen or they were not effective,

How to implement/Examples:

Quizzes can be embedded into lecture videos using Canvas. Every lecture could be split into multiple videos, each one with graded, embedded quizzes.

This could be a weekly quiz that goes over lecture material. Maybe this quiz has 2-3 attempts and records the highest score.

Solution #2: No memory-based testing.

If summative exams are really necessary, there are other ways to measure mastery of the material. One could argue that assessments such as recitals and other performances require a component of memory, but generally, performance-based summative assessments are an accumulation of all you’ve learned and retain the pressure of a traditional exam without requiring a proctor.

Have you ever taken notes so desperately you didn’t actually absorb what was said? Have you ever just listened to a lecture and been surprised at how much you absorbed? Our fear of not remembering something we’ll need on an exam can be extremely distracting. However, if you can focus on the lecture completely without being distracted, you can have a more meaningful recollection of the material. Maybe you don’t remember Crime and Punishment was published in 1866, but you do remember that it was published in a serialization for 12 months in the 1800s.

How to implement/Examples:

Essays take the place of traditional exams. Instead of a time-based hunt through the treasure trove of young adult memory, a student can take their time to sort through the information they’ve been presented and create a unique response. This does, of course, have its own host of challenges and should be treated carefully, but essays could just as easily measure mastery.

Perhaps a class could be conducted almost entirely through discussions and direct engagement. After every single lecture, you post a summary of what you learned with 3 questions. This is a type of formative testing that could replace mini-quizzes and other memory based assessments.

[6ad6ro]

an explanation post and small update about that thing that recently happened with that one ex friend. just fyi, this is very long:

first, some backstory. i have an issue where i often end up staying in abusive relationships (friends/family/dating) for way too long for various reasons. that said, this friend. they were always problematic. they would continue aggressively making passes at me even tho i rejected them constantly. like really gross passes that reminded me of why i “hate (stereotypical) men”. bc it was real bro-style creeping. hitting on me incessantly. always hanging all over me and making any excuse to have physical contact. making gross innuendo “jokes” that went too far just… always. at one point they licked my ear when we were taking a photo together. etc.

now i confronted them on this many times. asked them to tone it down. explained how uncomfortable and stressed they made me. told them “i’m sorry but i just don’t feel that way and i wanna be friends” like god SO often. my sister (used to be friends w them too) even would sit and we’d try to explain to them why they needed to stop.

but of course, they’d always reply to this with extreme defensiveness. say i was just over thinking it. that this is just who they were. that they joke with ALL their friends this way (sidenote i’ve seen how squeamish they can make their other friends). that “maybe i should rethink my standards for what is okay and not okay”. would even accuse me of being paranoid and “gaslighting” them. even when it got better, they were always making little jokes like “oh srry i wanted to pat you on the back but idk if you’ll get mad at me” like they really wanted to let me know i was in the wrong. and beyond that, they always seemed to be like actively trying to find new avenues of hitting on me.

and that was just the personal space issues. they’d also like rage at games when we played together? like slamming my controller to the floor when they lost. being overly competitive. being rude to my other friends if they were “holding them back” in a game. they’d actually criticize people who didn’t agree with how they wanted to play as being “unskilled” and “not real gamers”. and if you ever were beating them, they’d be all angry and say stuff like you were being “ cheap”. any mistake they made in a game was “people cheating”. but any time they did well (including purposeful exploiting), it was a boast worthy achievement. trashtalk all day but only they were allowed to do it.

it was weird too bc TBH THEY AREN’T EVEN ALL THAT GOOD. like overall, i’d almost always beat them. my sister too. they were mediocre at best. but of course… they’d literally make statements like “i almost always beat you” and “i usually win” when it was just… such a rare occurrence. its just… when it came to trying to have a fun play session with people, they put the game and winning above… you know… having fun w the rest of us? and sidenote they were always SUPER picky about what game we played. and when it came to options like “what guns to use” or “what stage to play”… you know how often people take turns so everyone is happy? on their turn, they’d get respect. but on everyone elses turn, they’d always like… fuck around and change options back to theirs and like revert stuff and just…

not that age matters but did i mention they were 27. i mean idk i only bring it up bc they reminded me so much of a little kid like esp about videogames. but there were a lot of other issues with them too. but i’ll just bring up the last big one. they… morally/politically? they tended to be in a cool direction in general. v “supports human rights overall” kinda person. but… they were the type who were idk v quick to judge? they would make extreme judgement calls with no information. they’d always end up fixated on conspiracies rather than perceiving things with moderation. people can think what they want imo, but the issue here is how they needed anyone close to them to agree with them too? 

example: one time i was driving w them in an area that had very little shops and it was late and i had forgotten to pick up a gift for someone we were meeting. just a small thing to thank them for a favor. the ONLY store open and around was walmart. yes fine walmart sucks but  idk i needed a gift. i mentioned i was gonna stop by there and they were like “no not walmart”. and i’m like “yeah i know lol” and they were like “no seriously we cant go in there”. long story they refused to go in, wouldn’t wait in the car, and made it out like if i went in that there would be a big problem. i ended up showing up to the person empty handed and it sucked. another time just recently i was gonna get some lays potato chips and they were like “ew no you can’t buy anything from the cocacola company” and like shamed me and walked off so i couldn’t get them. idk this kinda stuff happens all the time tbh? but it doesn’t stop at just like pretentious annoyance. they’d go HARD with political opinions too and if you disagreed w them they’d HATE you. not just internet forums or strangers. but friends. one time my sister (who for the sake of the story is pan and leaning towards non-binary) disagreed with them when they made a sweeping statement on fb about how some specific thing made everyone “transphobic”. anyways when my sister tried to discuss it with them they literally sicked their friends on her and insulted and browbeat her until she just had to leave. she got stressed at the end and yelled back finally and then they sent her a pm like “i’m really disappointed in you. i’ll be waiting for an apology when you’re ready to give it”. lol long story short my sis dropped them at that point. as she put it “i thought highschool was over”. she was already super mad at them for how they were treating me sexually anyhow tho like... srry but i guess one of my points is my sister is like one of the coolest, nicest, best people i know. she never drops people. but she dropped THEM. over the years i’ve asked them why they go from 0 to 11 so fast and why they don’t... idk... “lead” people into agreeing with them rather than angrily and violently just immediately demanding it? and as they put it “people with strong opinions will never change so don’t bother with them” and “i act how i do as an example to others of how to be a good person”. but god i guess just recently i came to realize that they were just... i don’t think they cared about other people. they just wanted to protect THEMSELVES above all else? they wanted a reason to judge people. it was all an excuse for them to feel self-righteous and act entitled and superior. oops i forgot to mention that they’re pan and gender-neutral as well? maybe they identify as trans but idk. the only reason i mention it is bc they definitely use it as a way to shame people and feel superior. i know it’s easy to be sensitive about that stuff considering, but they go above and beyond. and it’s weird that they’re all about human rights and w/e bc GOD they’re so gross sexually and... srry another example. so they’re a furry. totally fine imo. but one day we were walking around a downtown area with a lot of bars late at night and they were wearing fox ears/tail and bein themselves nbd. but we passed by a “drunkbus” right as cookie-cutter bros spilled out of it. one of them was like “hey i didn’t know the furry convention was in town” and i immediately got super angry and turned to say something. but then i looked to see my friend had just continued to walk away? i took a breath and walked back to them and was like “i’m so sorry like do you want me to say something?” and they were like “it’s okay some day i’ll fuck them until they like it” or “until i turn them” or god idk i think they maybe even used the term “rape”... alarm bells tbh. blahh i won’t go into any more details but lets just say how they act and how they say a person SHOULD act is a dictionary definition of hypocrisy. well anyways, i guess my point i wanted to make with this backstory is, as i’ve finally come to realize... they’re an immature, self-righteous, spoiled person with a pretty distinct martyr complex. and they’re kinda rapey. they always used to complain about all this drama they had and how awful everyone was to them... and it always sounded like “really bad luck”? but i realize now that they were just a tornado of selfishness with like no emotional control and they couldn’t keep friends for too long before it just had to end in a big flaming ball. sorry like i should point out i know they’re obv full of mental illness... but i don’t think they really go to therapy or seek help for any of it? like so many of us on here are pretty messed up but we do our best? this person is not doing their best. they clearly feel the world should change before they do. anyways anyways anyways. this friendship lasted for idk 2 years? 3? it was weird that i didn’t notice my own reactions as warning signs. like when i don’t know someone too well or am having issues... i’ll often bring another friend to hangouts as a sort of buffer. maybe uncool, but it helps. usually this only lasts for like one or two hangouts. but with this ex friend, it lasted the entire period. whenever i tried to hang out w them alone, a much bigger incident would always happen, and i’d go back to square one. but okay. the actual story of the incident: so i was always trying to get them to hang out with me and another friend bc i felt like we all had v similar hobbies, and this past tuesday it finally happened. we all hung out at other friend’s place and played games and ate food and outside of exfriend’s usual little issues, it went really well. at some point it was mentioned that sonic mania released that day. it was something we had all been very excited about, but we already had plans that day and some of us (me) didn’t want to experience the game the first time in a distracted social environment. but i mentioned “ugh i have a doc appointment early tomorrow but i’ll still dl it right when i get home. i better not play it tho lol weh”! when they heard i was buying it, they were like “oh man you gotta let me come over and try it”. i knew they were a big fan of the guy who made it and a huge sonic fan, but also that they had just lost their job and money was tight (i had to buy their food that day). i had a feeling they’d morally be against pirating it temporarily until they could afford it. so idk i was like “hey listen as long as we only play like the first act each, i could take you to my place before i drive you home. but only if you’re okay with being v quick bc i have dr in the morning”. sidenote they refuse to drive and don’t use a bike so hanging out with them always involved carting them around. and no before they lost their job (v recently), they coulda def afforded it. they literally were constantly buying insanely expensive collectibles like think of the most expensive gaming stuff you can and they prob have it. sealed panzer dragoon saga. vectrex with every game. fami twin with working disc system parts. ique with most games loaded. mint physical laserdisc copy (beta?) of dragons lair from the arcade machine. whatever. my point is they spent all their money on toys instaid of bettering themselves. we all do it but they took it to an extreme. one other thing... they only would communicate over their parent’s lan line phone and over facebook. they refused to have a cellphone. back to story. they excitedly agreed to my conditions and we went back to my place and installed the game. i started playing and god it was amazing (obv)! i got to the end of act 1 in a couple of minutes and was like “okay i should rly quit and hand it to you” but they were like “no no finish the zone” and tbh it was so good i agreed. so i played until i beat the boss and then i was like “okay i can’t go further” and quit and then handed it to them. i think the whole zone took me like... 5 minutes? this is when it started getting weird. i noticed my gf had called and like idk she was a bit worried bc i normally call her after i get home from my other friend’s place (we hang every tuesday like clockwork) and it had gotten really late but i forgot to let her know. it was really sweet and i didn’t want her to worry so i was like “hey uh shoot do you mind if i call her?” and tbh they were like already so absorbed in playing the game they weren’t even paying attention to me. but i had given them the rly comfy chair but it blocked the exit to the room. i couldn’t even squeeze by unless they moved first. so i started like asking them ‘hey uh do you mind pausing and moving so i could get by?”... nothing. again i asked. ignored. this went on for like idk 30 sec? a minute? until i finally was like hovering my finger over to hit the pause button like “can you please just pause so i can leave” like... and only then did they finally say “well fine but i don’t even know how to pause”. let me take the time to point out that they are prob the most techy person i know. esp about old game systems. they build flashcarts and repair ancient consoles and solder and mod and they worked the past 4(?) years at a legit retro game store. and they were amazing to begin with. it’s a small thing, but they coulda figured out how to pause a switch. they’d played one many times before too. so finally i have them pause it. and i’m like still standing there for 30 sec or so and they still aren’t budging? and i’m like “you uhh gotta get up so i can get by the chair is blocking me”. they continue to idk ignore??? i finally have to literally pick up the chair WITH them still in it and move it aside. only then could i pass. idk but i didn’t get angry or anything bc i was just relieved to finally get by. as i walked out of the room i mentioned to them “hey if i take too long just keep playing obv but when i walk in please pause it and quit immediately so i don’t see later level content plz” (i’m a big baby and have been avoiding all details for so long and was looking forward to the surprise lol). and they were like “okay” or something. i went out to my car and talked w my gf for god idk 15 or 20 min? i didn’t want to talk that long but she was going to bed soon and was a bit down/ill and i still wanted to talk to her and idk i knew worst case my one friend would love the extra time to play. and i felt like if i stayed out that long i could go in to a very satisfied friend, you know? so i get off the phone and head inside. i enter the room and am like “okay i’m back plz pause it like we gotta go”! ignored. i ask again kinda lol trying to plug my ears and not look. ignored. at that point i notice the same song from the first zone is playing and i look over and it is in fact the same level and i’m like ??? “wait how are you still on the first level??” and they were like “oh i’m completing all of the special stages”. the first thought i had was like oh wow cool they really wanted to stick to my initial request of only playing the first zone? unnecessary but v nice of them! i guess i was really reaching for an explanation lol... so whatever they still are playing so i sit down next to them and am watching them play for another minute or so. i was about to say something bc they still weren’t stopping but then i notice how close they are to the boss and am like “oh okay cool you’re p much to the boss so you’ll be done super quick”. they keep playing. at that point i notice they’;re like... taking sonic up and around the level kinda in circles? and backtracking? like? it’s really weird and i’m like “wait what are you doing” and they’re like “trying to get rings to complete the special stages”... so i’m like “uhh sorry tbh but i’m already way past when i wanted to go to bed is there any way you can just... go to the boss”?? and they’re still doing their thing and ignoring me and so i speak up again like “cmon like i’m really sorry but this doctors appointment is an obligation and i really need to get to bed”. and at that point they pause the game. stand up angrily. kinda fling the controller so it hits the table and falls onto the hard floor. they start kinda flailing their arms angrily and say in this really sour tone “oh im sorry i just thought you were gonna idk let me PLAY the GAME”??? i start replying like “listen i’m sorry i just like i don’t have a choice in the matter like i have to go to bed like you had like 3 times as much time as i did and idk maybe you can take the switch into the car or something idk??” and they just kinda angrily say “whatever whatever just stop yelling at me”. btw i’m not yelling. i’m definitely definitely not yelling. i’m not even angry. calm. nice. confused at best? and this isn’t one of those things where it’s like “im not yelling bc when i yell you really KNOW it”... i just wasn’t yelling by anyone’s terms. at that point i’m like “listen i’m sorry i just don’t know why this is becoming such an issue like idk maybe you can wear headphones in the car and keep playing later levels or...” and that’s when they’re like “it doesn’t matter just STOP yelling at me”. and the chair is in the way of the exit and needs to be like lifted and moved so we can leave. but at that point they take their foot and just KICK the chair across the room. at that point i’m kinda like “listen i’m sorry if i have a tone in my voice or am hurting your feelings but tbh it’s kinda hard to remain perfectly calm when you’re sorta throwing a temper tantrum and..” and that’s when they shouted as loud as they could “OKAY NOPE UH UH BYEEE” and swung open the door and ran through the house to the exit door. i’m trying to call after them like “shit i’m really sorry but i don’t have time to chase after you i gotta go to bed please can i just take you home like if you leave i gotta just let you and go to bed” and they ignore me and run outside. it’s like 2am at this point btw. i kinda go outside to check if they’re standing there cooling down but no. long gone. ran down the street i think. so i go back inside. turn the light out. and lock the door. i just dont have time to deal with this. i want to but i can’t. but i sit there for a few minutes. and... (maybe) the mentally ill/abused side of me is like “well you COULD go look for them and try to calm them down and drive them home and it wouldn’t take THAT much longer than you were gonna already spend driving them, right? worst case if you don’t find them you can just go home and go to bed”. and so i head outside.as i enter my car tho, i get this weird gut awful feeling of deja vu? i realise pretty quickly that this scenario was pretty similar to the ones i had pretty regularly with my one really bad ex gf. the one who was a manipulative sociopath that used me and cheated on me and also had no emotional control etc etc etc lol? and idk i was surprised bc... i thought that this part of my life had been over. but still... the dumb side of my brain ignored that and carried on. i drove along the path i assumed they walked, thinking maybe they woulda taken the time to calm down. after a bit i finally caught up to them. i pulled up slowly and kinda called out like “hey i’m really sorry like i never wanted it to go down that way like you’re my friend like let me take you home i’m really sorry”. they ignored me for a bit and kept doing that angry car walk thing as i had to slowly follow behind and continue apologizing. finally they stopped and came to the window. they were like “listen you can’t talk to me like that and abuse me like that like what you did was so awful and bullying and ..” and went on like that for a min. and i was like “listen i’m sorry and i know me using that one word in particular must have really set you off but idk..” like trying to explain to them why i said “temper tantrum” (BC THATS WHAT THEY FUCKING HAD BTW THATS WHAT IT GD WAS) but i was trying to be nice about it? so i continued on “well i mean the reason i said that was okay like i know you were agitated but you kinda like tossed my controller haphazardly and it hit the floor and yeah i’m sure it was an accident...” and at that point they stuck their head inside the window like super close to my face and shouted as loud and angrily and full of spittle as they fucking could “WELL MAYBE IT WAS A FUCKING ACCIDENT THEN”!!!! i’m like... idk... adrenaline just dumps into my body. i’m giving this person so so so many chances tonight. being so nice. and this is a problematic friend to begin with. and they’re shouting in my face like this as i try to apologize to them so i can drive them home after they ran off. but i’m a pacifist and i try to avoid conflict. but still... i’m like, probably quietly, “you... you can’t just yell at me like that. you aren’t allowed to yell at me like that.” and they open their mouth and start shouting more. and that’s when i shout back “I WON’T LET YOU SHOUT AT ME LIKE THAT”!!! idk if it scared them or what like i know i’m pretty booming and alarming when i shout idk but regardless they yanked their head out of the window and backed away from the car and i split second checked they were clear and i just floored it. but... i quickly slammed on the breaks. took a breath. decided i didn’t want it to be like this (do you see how stupid/messed up i am). i put it in reverse and turned around to back up. but i have to slam on the breaks. thank god i was only idling at that point. bc they’re pressed RIGHT up against my back bumper. i’m trying to comprehend all this bc there’s a v big sidewalk and they were on it when i started to speed off so why are they right behind my car now? a BIG alarm bell goes off in my head but i ignore it. i stare at them as they wait pressed against my bumper for like half a minute, giving them “what are you doing” eyes and gestures. finally they come back to the window. i’m like “listen. i’m really really sorry. it’s okay if you hate me. we don’t have to talk about it or at all. i made a mistake. i’m very sorry. can i just... take you home? i feel bad. we can try and work out this stuff later if we have to”. at that point they start yelling at me again (not screaming but just normal yelling) and telling me how awful and bullying and abusive etc i am and how their reactions were justified and idek bc they started walking off again. FINALLY. FINALLLLLY. my brain accepts this situation as fairly impossible and unreasonable and i decide i gotta be done. i just... can’t? anymore?? even if i wanted to... i don’t have time? so i pull up next to them and say sternly “you know what? you can’t treat your friends like this or they will LEAVE you.” and i sped off. i think i heard them screaming after me like “YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE” but god knows like my car is junk but i had floored it so they were long gone. okay so that’s PRETTY much the end of it. i decided pretty quickly after that that i was DONE with this person forever. that this wasn’t the kind of friendship i wanted. over the next few days i came to realize i should have been done with this person almost immediately. again, weird parallels to my worst ex. you don’t have to be dating someone or romantic w them for it to be a super abusive relationship. well anyhow i decided to avoid facebook or communicating w them for a bit so i could figure out how to like “officially end it”. because i was sure that they’d have gone on fb and written one of their common “i’m sorry i acted that way BUT” fake apologies where they pretend to be sorry but then negate the apologies by justifying all their behavior by making me out as some super abusive monster. 3 days later, i bite the bullet and check facebook, bc i realize this also is a pretty easy way for me to like... end it with them in a polite and cordial way? to pretend i don’t hate them. to talk to them in a way that hopefully keeps them from freaking out at me the next time our paths cross? also bc deep down i still do remember the good times and have a bit of respect for them. sure enough, it was there. the half-apology that leads into “you need to learn how to talk to people”. “you bullied me just like this person”. “when you talk to anyone you should use this tone”. tbh i only barely glazed over it. i started my reply along the lines of “i don’t want to get into a big discussion about what happened, but i think it would be best if we parted ways. i don’t think we’re compatible as friends. i hope we can be polite if we ever run into each other again. i’m really sorry that it turned out this way.” etc etc etc. part way in, i noticed their last short msg. sent way after the initial bunch of “sorry not sorry”s. it was just a half sentence. “i guess i should apologize for jumping in front of your car...” ... THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE. THAT BASTARD. THEY REALLY DID IT. THEY REALLY WERE TRYING TO FORCE ME TO INJURE THEM WITH MY CAR SO THEY COULD ENTRAP ME OR SUE ME OR FUCK MY LIFE UP. I THOUGHT I WAS BEING CRAZY AND PARANOID WHEN I HAD THAT THOUGHT BUT IT WAS TRUE. THAT ABSOLUTE LUNATIC. *deep breath* i’m still shaken. it was just a fluke that i didn’t step on the gas before i noticed them against my bumper. it EASILY could’ve gone down in the worst way. god. and all this over me asking them to stop playing sonic mania. tbh the experience kinda soured the game a bit for me? i mean... thank god it’s so good but really who even gives a shit bc it’s just a game like GOD fucking DAMN i can’t believe i had something so FUCKED happen at this stage in my life. i know it’s a really self-hating thing to do to blame myself for having someone like that around but... my. god. i ended up sending the fb message that i was initially planning and ignoring all the impulses to scream at them or call some authority (idek what i could do here) or tell them they need immediate help or what bc what the fuck. and i haven’t checked fb since. i wanna be done forever. i don’t ever wanna see or hear or hear about this person again. it’s a bit silly but i’m cleaning house and getting rid of all the stuff they got for me (i rejected most of their “wooing” gifts but a few still got through bc general gift exchange”. i know it’s messed up but i even washed all the clothes i was wearing w them regardless if it needed a wash or not. maybe it was symbolic. but they’re dead to me. god. it’s not just for the best it’s goddamn mandatory.

ANYWAYS so that’s it i guess. sorry i know how long this was. i don’t REALLY expect anyone to read through all this. but if you do, plz lmk so i can say thanks i guess lol? it’s just nice to get it all out there bc it kinda messed me up... really bad? idk. and oh um i’ll still reply to people individually for asking about the previous post that related to this? but it’s taking me a bit to do replies bc i’m just... kinda scared regarding social stuff rn considering.  i guess the last thing i’ll say is if part of you is telling yourself that someone is abusive and you find yourself constantly making really big considerations or umm excuses just to hang out with someone? maybe don’t. there are many good people out there for you. abusive people can be dangerous. be careful and try to surround yourself with nice, happy people. <3

[matty-colt-blog]

how to be three and a half hours late. // timeline.

subject: the ride up to the mountains & related hijinks.

characters: @matty-colt, @mvcnessa, @cassandra-rainwater, @eamon-eldridge

setting: day one, eight am to three-thirty pm.

content warning: drinking & driving.

tl;dr: the girls took forever to get ready, eamon almost bailed, matty had a run-in with a cop, and the gang got stupid lost in the mountains (thanks, linda).

note: this timeline was written one character at a time, starting with matty, then passed onto peach for vanessa’s perspective, then to jess for cassie’s, then to john for eamon’s. finally it got a few edits by yours truly and then was sent back in its entirety to all the writers for any final adjustments. what resulted was a much more complete picture of the drive up, and it was a fun way to get around the whole multiple-muses-one-event issue without doing a 4-way para or a bunch of canon-diverging self-paras. if anyone wants to try this in the future, i'd recommend it! 

the good stuff’s under the cut.

Cassie, 7:55 AM: God, no, is that my alarm already? Nessa and I stayed up way too damn late last night.

Vanessa, 8:03 AM:Whose idea was it to get up at 8?

Cassie, 8:35 AM: Okay, shower done. I need to dry my hair and then I should probably help Nessa finish packing.

Vanessa, 8:37 AM: I’ve finally made it into the shower, but it was probably a bad idea to get in last since I’m not completely finished packing… Oops.

Cassie, 9:25 AM: Shit, where are my boots? Please don’t tell me I left them at home.

Eamon, 9:30 AM: My third alarm’s gone off but I’m still laying in bed.  Matty’s supposed to be here with his car in like a half hour and I haven’t even showered. Shit, I should definitely shower. 

Matty, 9:32 AM: Car packed, XM station picked (Road Trip Favourites), ready to hit the road. Next stop: V’s place. Let’s all pray that the girls are ready. We’re on a tight schedule here.

Vanessa, 9:44 AM: Matty’s here and we’re still not ready. I’m getting my last minute things together, but I don’t really know where Cass went? I yell for her.

Cassie, 9:44 AM: Nessa’s calling for me and I still haven’t found my boots. Fuck.

Matty, 9:51 AM: Been outside V’s place for about five minutes. I wanna go in and check on them but god knows if I do we’ll never get out of here.

Matty, 9:57 AM: Texted V. She says they’ll be five minutes, so it’ll be at least fifteen.

Eamon, 9:58 AM:  And I still haven’t showered.  Instead I’m looking at Cassie’s Facebook feeling like a loser.  Wow, how the fuck am I supposed to face her?  Or anyone.  I text Matty to give me like, five-ten extra minutes and hit the shower.

Matty, 10:00 AM: I text E back three robot faces. Hopefully that gets the point across. At this point, I have no idea when we'll get to his place.

Vanessa, 10:02 AM: Where the fuck is my backpack???

Cassie, 10:03 AM: Found my boots, but now Nessa can’t find her backpack. We’re never going to leave.

Matty, 10:05 AM: Rush comes on the radio. Nice. Jam out for a while.

Matty, 10:12 AM: Going a little stir crazy. Got my ball and started doing drills up the sidewalk. Got bored with that and just started seeing how high up in the air I could throw it.

Eamon, 10:13 AM:  I get out of the shower and start moving downstairs.  I put all my stuff together last night at like, 4AM because I couldn’t sleep.  At least it’s saving my ass now that I’m late.

Matty 10:18 AM: Apologized to Mrs. Martin across the street for throwing a basketball into her prize rosebush.

Vanessa, 10:19 AM: Just watched Matty assault Mrs. Martin’s garden. Not to be mean, but her reaction was hilarious. I swear I saw Matty laugh.

Cassie, 10:19 AM: Matty just ruined Mrs. Martin’s rosebush. I half expected her to turn him over he knee in the middle of the street. It was amazing.

Matty, 10:20 AM: THE DOOR IS OPEN. HALLELUJAH.

Eamon, 10:20 AM: Where the fuck are they?

Matty, 10:22 AM: Give Mrs. Moore a hug and shake Mr. Moore’s hand. Tell him he better lock up the Missus or I’m gonna scoop her up for myself. They both laugh. She is pretty hot, though. In a MILF-y way. V’s gonna age real well.

Vanessa, 10:22 AM: They laughed, but they don’t really know him. I roll my eyes before hugging my parents goodbye.

Matty, 10:25 AM: V and Cassie are still standing in the foyer trying to figure out who’s gonna carry what to the car. I’m losing my mind waiting, so I tell them I’ll take it all. V looks skeptical. Cassie outright laughs.

Eamon, 10:29 AM: I’ve convinced myself they’ve ditched me and start pacing the foyer of my apartment complex.  I start berating myself for thinking anyone wanted me to come on this stupid trip.  Sam probably only sent the event to me out of pity.

Matty, 10:32 AM: Okay, so, the important part is that we all know that I am very strong and got all of the bags and the cooler, like, three-quarters of the way to the car before I tripped on a decorative rock. In my defense, the cooler was blocking my view of the ground.

Cassie, 10:34 AM: I’m never letting Matty try to show off again. (That’s a lie. It’s kind of cute when he does.)

Vanessa, 10:35 AM: Matty ate shit trying to play strong man and carrying our stuff to the car. I appreciated it to begin with, but after laughing so hard I nearly fell to the ground myself I have a new found love for that kid.

Matty, 10:36 AM: The girls seem... charmed? Apparently I'm so lovable I can pull off the hapless idiot look. Nice.

Matty, 10:40 AM: Car packed, road drinks distributed (none for me until we’re out of city limits), radio on (although this station seems to have taken a distinctly country turn). Cassie called shotgun infinity when we were like ten (a source of much debate, but I don’t fight her on it), so she’s up front.

Cassie, 10:41 AM: Settled in my forever seat up front with road drink numero uno. This is going to be a fabulous trip. Although this Kenny Chesney song is killing me slowly.

Eamon, 10:41 AM: I think about texting Matty but decide against it.  It would just seem desperate at this point.

Matty, 10:43 AM: Back on the road, forty-three minutes behind schedule.

Vanessa, 10:44 AM: Oh. My. God! MR. AMAN in his pink shorts!!! I can’t believe he still runs this route every day! Literally nothing has changed in this place.

Matty, 10:44 AM: Vanessa nearly screams and I jump. She points at Mr. Aman, running the same route he has since we were toddlers in his same ridiculous pink short-shorts. We all laugh and wave. Some things never change.

Cassie, 10:44 AM: I cannot believe Mr. Aman is still running around scarring children for life in those shorts. That guy’s gotta be like 90 or something now right?

Eamon 10:45 AM: Fuck it, I’m going back upstairs.  I start lugging my gear back towards the elevator.

Vanessa, 11:02 AM: I forgot that Eamon was driving up with us for a second, we’re so close to the mall. He’s lucky he lives so close… Did I bring my other boots?

Cassie, 11:04 AM: I totally forgot Eamon was coming with us. Haven’t spoken to him since senior year. This is gonna be hella awkward.

Matty, 11:06 AM: Finally get to E’s place. The proximity to the mall makes me nervous that V’s gonna suddenly remember something she needs.

Eamon, 11:07 AM: I’m finally finished getting the three of my bags and my iced tea back upstairs when I get the ‘We're here’ text.  I plunge deeper into self-loathing as I text him back, claiming to still be running late as I hurriedly get all my shit back into the elevator.

Vanessa, 11:07 AM: I can feel Matty staring at me through the rear view mirror. I’m gonna ask Cass if she remembers if I brought those boots, they’re a necessity.

Cassie, 11:08 AM: Thankfully Nessa didn’t forget her boots, but part of me is tempted to pretend that she did just to give us an excuse to go to the mall for a bit. I don’t think Matty would appreciate it though.

Eamon, 11:17 AM: I’m super out of breath but I try to play it off, waving at everyone as I finish dragging everything back out towards the car.

Matty, 11:18 AM: Get out to help him with his stuff. Go for a hug, and regret it immediately. I don’t think he’s into it.

Eamon, 11:18 AM: Matty goes to hug me and I shrink away.  I don’t want to give away how sweaty I am.

Matty, 11:20 AM: …I’m pretty sure one of these bags is just candy.

Matty, 11:23 AM: Car packed, radio on, second round of road drinks distributed (this time I take a swig of Cassie’s, wink at E in the back.) This is how an efficient pick up is done. Take note, ladies.

Eamon, 11:23 AM: I sit in the very back, avoiding eye contact with both of the girls.  I’m not still mad at Cassie, but I’m sure she’s still pissed at me.  I look up at the front and notice Matty taking a swig of something definitely alcoholic and he winks at me.  Dear Jesus, this was a horrible idea and we’re all going to die.

Matty, 11:25 AM: On the road, headed towards the 60. I yell back an apology to E, explaining that some people don’t just wake up as naturally stunning as he does. I smirk at the girls.

Eamon, 11:26 AM: I tell Matty I didn’t mind and that it gave me time to herd out the guys from last night’s orgy.  I am immediately filled with regret and decide to dig into the pixi stix in my bag.

Matty, 11:26 AM:I make some joke like 'Where was my invite?' but I say it too quiet and Cassie's the only one that hears.

Cassie, 11:27 AM: Only Matty has the ability to make me roll my eyes twice in as many minutes.

Matty, 11:29 AM: Getting sick of this XM station. Too much John Denver. Switch to Club Hits. The girls seem into it. I don’t think E knows I can see him rolling his eyes in the rear-view mirror.

Eamon, 11:29 AM: I should have expected to have my ears assaulted like this.  Fucking hell, why did I forget my fucking earphones.

Cassie, 11:31 AM: Now this is a station I can jam to. I’m the right amount of tipsy for it.

Vanessa, 11:32 AM: Finally, some fun music. One whole not-water bottle later I’m a little too lit for acoustic, Cass clearly agrees. I try to get E to jam with us.

Eamon, 11:32 AM: Nessa’s positivity is infectious, so I laugh and tell her that I had a reputation to uphold as resident music snob.  I can’t be seen dancing to this.  I don’t mention how I’m pretty sure the whole car would make fun of me if I did.

Matty, 11:45 AM: Third round of drinks. I take a swig of V’s this time. I follow it with a shit ton of Gatorade, so don’t freak out or anything, it’s fine. Kinda gotta piss, though.

Matty, 11:55 AM: Nope. I really gotta piss.

Matty, 11:57 AM: We’re not quite out of civilization yet, but we’re a good half hour from the Last Chance gas station, so I pull up to the side of the road and tell the gang I’ll be right back. (Eye rolls, a “Gross, Matt”. They’re just jealous none of them can do it.)

Eamon, 11:57 AM: I give Matty a hard time, but…I’m jealous.  Fuck.

Matty, 11:59 AM: Sweet relief.

Matty, 12:00 PM: I swear to god, that cop car appeared out of thin air. Do people get booked for public urination? It’s gotta be a fine, right?

Eamon, 12:05 PM: I am melting into my seat when the police officer pulls us over.  I’ve done nothing wrong, but they’ve always just made me nervous.

Matty, 12:21 PM: Good news! The kindly officer of the law was a Devils fan! Once he realized who I was, he ripped up the ticket and we took a couple selfies and shot the shit. A little bit of a hold up, but we’re off scott-free! Gotta admit, there are some serious perks to this line of work.

Vanessa, 12:22 PM: Who would’ve thought Matty’s basketball career would save us? I’m just relieved I didn’t have to call my dad to get us out of it.

Cassie, 12:22 PM: I cannot believe Matty managed to not get a ticket because he plays basketball. What fucking luck.

Eamon, 12:22 PM:  Thank you Jesus.  Thank you God.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

Matty, 12:23 PM: Wow. I am so lucky he didn’t look in the car. So many open containers.

Matty, 12:42 PM: We are officially off the beaten path! Well, I mean, I guess it’s still the highway, but theres nothing but red dirt and cacti ahead of us, and not so many cars on the road. It’s not like the Superstition Mountains are exactly a vacation hot spot.

Vanessa, 12:47 PM: I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen the red sand. It feels like I’ve been gone for so long… It also makes me kind of miss California.

Cassie: 12:52 PM: Spending the last few years in Massachusetts has made me forget just how big and sparse this place can be. I kind of miss it a bit.

Eamon, 12:53 PM: On days like this, I get really nostalgic for the green trees in Montana.  Being able to look so far you can see the curve of the earth has always made me feel lonely.

Matty, 12:54 PM: The Last Chance gas station. Dirty as fuck, but they’ve got the essentials. I fill up the tank and grab a sugar-free red bull and some jerky I probably won't eat. Flirt with Cassie a little while V and Eamon use the washrooms. Fiddle with the hem of her shirt. Stare at her lips and ask how her fiance is. I’m a bad person.

Cassie, 12:54 PM: This place is disgusting there’s no way in hell I’m peeing here. I’ll just hold it until we get to the campsite or something. And to be honest I’ve kind of missed Matty’s blatant flirting too. Sending nudes just isn’t the same. He asks about Kate and I just chuckle and tell her she’s doing fine. I know he doesn’t really care.

Eamon, 12:56 PM: As much as I truly loath public restrooms, I’m not looking forward to having to squat outside.  I regret never getting the hang of an STP.  It hits me just how dysphoric this trip is going to make me feel.  I decide to take a few moments to look in the mirror and focus on good changes.  Like the fact my facial hair is coming in nicely, and that my scars have faded enough that I can actually take my shirt off on this trip.

Vanessa, 12:57 PM: These bathrooms are disgusting. Everything is stained red from the sand, covered in scuffs and scratches; and god only knows what else. I would honestly rather pee outside, it’d probably be more sanitary. Matty had the right idea.

Matty, 12:59 PM: V comes around the side of the building and I wrap an arm around her shoulders and pull her in with me and Cassie. The Three Amigos. Just like the old days. We’re gonna have a reaaaaal good time together up on that big, scary mountain. They roll their eyes in such perfect unison that I could’ve sworn they practiced it. V elbows me in the side and Cassie laughs. Ah, friendship.

Vanessa, 1:02 PM: Things are starting to feel more like home. I really missed these guys.

Cassie, 1:04 PM: The three musketeers are back together again. It’s amazing that it took so long for all three of us to be back in the same place at the same time. I worry that Eamon is feeling left out, though.

Eamon, 1:05 PM: I finally get out of the bathroom and see everyone laughing and talking and I feel my stomach drop.  I debate getting a pack of cigarettes to help feel better, but I decide against it since I can never remember DD’s brand.  Instead I head back to the car without so much as making eye contact.

Matty, 1:13 PM: Back on the road for the last leg of the trip. I crack a beer of my own now that we’re well and truly clear of any patrolling officers.

Eamon, 1:13 PM: I think about saying something about the beer, but I know Matty has a high tolerance and I’m knee deep in self-loathing so I leave him to it.

Cassie, 1:14 PM: I totally should have gone to the bathroom at the Last Chance gas station. Shit. I’m gonna have to ask Matty to pull over. 

Cassie, 1:16 PM: Thank god I had the foresight to pack some toilet paper.

Cassie, 1:30 PM: Okay, back in the car. Here we go.

Matty, 1:30 PM: I try to give Cass a public-urination-solidarity high-five, but she looks at me with an unprecedented level of disgust. And that's really saying something. I've said some weird shit to her in bed.

Matty, 1:35 PM: Wow. I forget how big mountains are up close.

Matty, 1:41 PM: The road is getting pretty bad. The car handles it fine, but it’s too bumpy to drink any more. Bottoms up!

Vanessa, 1:42 PM: All of us trying to chug the what was left of our drinks while Matty continued up the road was as challenging as it was funny. We surprisingly didn’t make a mess and managed to finish every last drop. The fact that we’re that good makes me think we love alcohol a little too much, but it’s 5′o’clock somewhere.

Cassie, 1:42 PM: Wow, I am honestly so proud of us for not spilling any of our alcohol.

Matty, 1:50 PM: Thank god for satellite GPS. I named this one Linda. Thank you, Linda.

Cassie, 1:51 PM: I can’t believe he named his GPS Linda. What the hell kind of name is Linda?

Matty 1:55 PM: Linda, are you sure?

Matty, 2:02 PM: This can’t be right.

Matty, 2:14 PM: Linda, where the fuck are we?

Vanessa, 2:15 PM: Listening to Matty have a one sided argument with “Linda” had to be the highlight of this entire car ride.

Matty, 2:17 PM: Okay, fuck GPS. We are strong, capable men and women. We can do this.

Matty, 2:32 PM: We’re never gonna find them. We’re gonna die up here.

Matty, 2:35 PM: We get out of that fucking car to brainstorm (and have another beer).

Vanessa, 2:37 PM: None of us know where the fuck we are. It probably doesn’t help that we’re not only a little drowsy but tipsy, too. It’s fine though… It’s fine. We’re fine. (Not fine.)

Cassie, 2:38 PM: I have absolutely no clue where we are or how to get where we need to go. I just got out of the car so I could have an excuse to drink another beer.

Matty, 2:41 PM: We get back in the car. The car has AC.

Eamon, 2:42 PM: I am the only one not diluted with alcohol so I stay outside of the car and try to find a landmark of some kind.  This should not be the near-sighted-one’s job, but here we are.

Eamon, 2:55 PM: Eventually I think I spot a familiar blur on the horizon and try and get Matty’s attention to confirm what I see.

Matty, 2:57 PM: EAMON SPOTTED ASH’S CAR. WE’RE SAVED.

Cassie, 2:58 PM: GOD BLESS, EAMON.

Vanessa, 2:58 PM: Thank God for E. I hugged him.

Eamon, 2:58 PM: I am suddenly being showered in praise and attention.  I actually hug Vanessa back and get back into the car feeling good about myself.

Matty, 2:59 PM: Okay, so, we’re on the wrong peak of the mountain. We have to drive back down and then up again, but I don’t really mind. At least we know where the fuck we’re going now. Bless you, E.

Matty, 3:32 PM: We have arrived! Reunions, hugs, awkward handshakes! Another, much needed, beer! And only…. Oh fuck. Three and a half hours late.

Vanessa, 3:32 PM: Reunited and it feels so weird, but so good. Time for hugs! This trip was definitely the right thing to do.

Cassie, 3:32 PM: I have never been so happy to be at the top of a mountain. Also, I’m not getting in a car for at least three days. Now for more drinks.

Eamon, 3:32 PM: Now that we’re actually here, it’s time to try and make amends with all the people I disappeared on.  First thing’s first: Peach O’s.

[bienstockonnativ]

Week 2

Wow its been more then 2 weeks here (this is late, week 3 is coming soon)! While it does feel like we’ve been here a while, it is sort of strange that I’m not going home tomorrow or something. I’m not yet at the point where its really really weird though since I’ve been here up to a month before.

Anyways, this week classes were in full swing and are definitely a hand full! As I explained last time, we are in the mini master phase which means we basically have the same 3 classes every day (except the third one skips a day sometimes). I continue to despise my second class, modern jews, but the other two are great and super duper interesting. Especially since today in my first class we learned that Moses may actually be god (WHATTT), I know right. So here comes the summary!

Monday, Sept 11th

On Monday it was a full day of school. From 8:30 AM to 5:30 PM. We have to  be down to shacharit for 7:00 on Mondays, not 7:15, so we can read torah. Which is absolute hell. I don’t think I’ve been on time once this week. I mean, not only is it just like normal prayer- it means nothing to me. I’ll tell you what’s really meaningful when we get to the weekend.

So after breakfast we pile on for our second day of school- I fell asleep in Modern Jews (obviously) and almost fell asleep in my favourite class! I stoped myself by getting up and standing for the rest of the class. I literally just got out of my sea and stood there with my notebook, constantly flicking my pen at my head to keep me awake.

After my morning classes we went to our first Jerusalem Course! Basically its a class that Nativ makes us take about the history of Jerusalem. There are two teachers and the 67 kids are split up among them by last name. One is David Keren, USY director of Israel Programs in the summer, and the other is Alexandra Benjamin who teaches on TRY and is really really cool. In Alexandra’s class we went through a (sort of) brief overview of the history of Jerusalem going from 1000 BCE all the way to today. I even made a fancy timeline that I was quite proud of. That first day we just took notes but goodness was there more to come.

That night I met with my Friend Tehilla from school who was in Jerusalem visiting from her Yeshiva in Modiin. Tehilla took me Nachlaot, an artsy hippie sketchy neighbourhood not far from where I live; there she took me tiowards the Shuk to a restaurant that her old family friends owns and runs. There I had a fish burrito where was a really nice change. Then later, while we were walking on Ben Yehudah we ran into Shira from Nativ as well as Samantha Charlat- all people we went to school with. So naturally we took a picture before Tehilla and I said bye and I walked back to Beit Nativ. That night I went to bed early (or relatively early)!

Tuesday, Sept 12th

Another day, another early as fuck wake up. And yes in case you were wondering, I was indeed late.

Today at school, my historical texts teacher (other wise known as chief mind blower) continued to do just that as he developed his thesis. I will attempt to explain it now although I will explain it wrong.

Basically- the covenant is a three pronged constantly changing and learning relationship interdependent upon each other to survive and thrive whilst attempting to understand why everything is here in the first place. Part of this is the idea that the covenant of the Jewish people, god and the land of Israel is a microcosm of the macrocosm that is the relationship between the world, humanity, and god. And then somehow the idea that god is both transcendental (above us and unknowable) and imminent (here with us) is crucial to developing that thesis.

Idk man I just go here.

Anyways its super nutty and I will understand it eventually.

On the complete opposite hand, my Modern Jews class continues to annoy the hell out of me with its sheer yuckyness- nuff said.

Today we didn’t have Jerusalem course, instead we had an academic orientation for the fall semester! Yay school! (ew) (but also yay). Linor, our academic advisor, otherwise known as lord of 80s clip art, showed us how that will work. Basically we can only take the 2000 series classes, only the ones taught in english, only the ones for freshman… so what you end up getting is a list of about 15 or 20 classes. I took a look a them later in the week but on Tuesday it was going in one ear and out the other.

We literally just started mini mester and now they want to talk about more school… the world we live in man.

So after a fit of questions about how the library works (which no one understands still), academic orientation was over and we could go home! Yay home!

So another thing about minimester- there are a fuck load of readings that everyone is supposed to do for class. How much of that anyone actually does is the real statistic. I try to do the mandatory ones… or at least some of them…. or maybe the first few lines.

Anyways readings exist so yay.

Later that day I was bored and didn’t want to work so I went off to Mamila- the richy sort of outdoor shopping mall that’s 10 minutes away from Beit Nativ. The important part is that I found the best Ice cream place (so far) called Golda’s, which is always the most important thing to do. I had chocolate (obviously). I walked over to the edge of the old city with my Ice cream and just had a moment of like omg I’m in a land full of Jews, eating random kosher amazing ice cream at a 2000 year old wall next to a 50 year old shopping mall.

After my ice cream venture I went to the adidas store to try and find some shorts that weren’t super long or super nice cause I have nothing like that. I was successful and found my way back to Beit Nativ in time for dinner. After Dinner we had our first Erev Nativ where we watched a documentary on 9/11. Honestly it was one of the most horrifying things I’ve seen in a long time. I mean I knew what 9/11 was but not to that extent. There was no narriation, just the entire sequence of events from the perspectives of dozens of people across the area. Through each hit, tower fall… everything.

It was pretty intense but the day wasn’t over yet. After that I ran upstairs to my computer so I could get some USY work done and then called Molly while I was waiting to start an IGB meeting at 1:15 AM- yup you read that right. And then I finally got to bed or like 3 or something. Waking up at 7 yay!

Wednesday, Sept 13

I am writing this quite a few days after everything happened so its hard to remember specifics but I’ll cover the major stuff.

One thing cool that happened was in Jerusalem course we traversed the City of David! For those of you who don’t know, the city of David is the oldest remnant of Jerusalem we have- built in c 1000 BCE, before the current old city. The original city existed right next to where the current old city is, covering a lot less land.

The reason why it was called City of David is because although he was not the founder, he built up the city significantly. He built a palace for himself and lay the groundwork for the second temple (which his son would build later).

Its a really neat archaeological site as it is one of the main proofs we have for a jewish state, how our claim to land existed much before 1948 with the establishment of modern Israel.

Fun fact though: We don’t actually have proof that david himself existed. We know there was a city, we know there was a palace, we know the palace had staff, even that some of them had indoor plumbing- but not that David (the city’s name sake) actually existed. 
Some say that the tanach is still right and we just haven’t found stuff yet while others think that because we haven’t found proof, he just doesn’t exist.

We also learned about King Hezikaiah, a descendent of David who fortified the city and redirected the water flow to protect from the imminent Assyrians. His tunnels are still in tact to this day, we walked through them! Also still in tact is the old spring where King Solomon was annointed as well as different areas of the palace that King David built.

We took a moment at the end of class to talk about the current political climate in the old city, how there are both Jewish and Palestinian homes right next to each other- Jews who moved in for religious reasons and Palestinians who also claim it their home.

Once Jerusalem course was over we all travelled back home, and of course after a long day and a lot of walking I collapsed on my bed. But soon after dinner, I went out with a few people to see my friends get ear piercings! Ahh! Jacquie got a thing right through the top of her ear while Zach got little studs in the normal area- they both looked really good but it scared the shit out of me! Piercings in a foreign country? Ahhhh.

I ran around with Jace to try to find a Pizza place, eventually finding our way to Chili Pizza nearby (not before we went to the other side of the area and back of course).

After pizza time we went back home and then I went to bed really late because I’m stupid.

Thursday, Sept 14th

Today we talked a lot about brutal sectarianism and how it can be the downfall of all of Judaism.

We went to the Robinson’s arch area archeological park to talk about life during the end of the second temple period. We learned about Herod the builder and premier of Israel while under Roman control. He fortified the second temple and made it and the city around it beautiful and grandiose.

Once we got to the park we took some time to get acquainted with the history of the site. The stones we were walking on were walked on by people 2000 years ago, the hole in the wall was a shop front etc… It was crazy.

Then we went to the other building to get a virtual tour of what the area would have looked like all that time ago. The guy there was fricken hilarious. He kept on making super dry jokes that no one in the room understood, when he went over the walls he was like “oop sorry about that folks…. coming in for landing shortly”. Of course most of my class didn’t get it but I was right in front laughing my ass off- so much so that he thought I was faking it.

When we left we said goodbye to our new friend and sat on the grass to chat about sectarianism. We learned how 2000 years ago there was tons of different groups in Judaism, kind of like today, that were hostile towards each other. We talked about the idea that their baseless hatred towards each other and self destruction within the community itself ended in a punishment by god- the destruction of the temple. And reflecting on that, we spoke about the sectarianism that Jews face today and ways we can deal with it so we can prevent disunity.

The idea of how to create Unity is something that I’ve explored a lot the past few weeks. In my class about Philosophy with Dr. Isaacs we talk about the existence of unity within differences. How the understanding that each of us is fundamentally different is the one unifying factor that brings humanity, jews included, all together.

Of course many people see this is as a contradictory argument but its an opinion that I’ve had for a while now and will continue to explore!

On the way out from the site there were a ton of soldiers doing their tours in the sites as a compulsory part of basic training- the IDF makes sure its soldiers have an ideological background to why they do what they do.

That night we went out which was a fun break from the intensity of school and the day and then played cards against humanity before bed!

Friday, Sept 15th

So on friday I slept in which was beautiful and then a bunch of us went out for lunch at Sam’s Bagels on Ben Yehuda. I had a pizza bagel (yum) and then went over to the TEVANAOT store to make the best purchase I’ve made so far: Teva Sandals- trust me they are worth it. I go purple and blue ones!

After that, I met Tehilla to hang out for a few hours before she had to go back to Modiin. We ran around Ben Yehuda a little and then finally settled on the park for a while before heading to Agron to chill with Yona Grossman who was also visiting.

We talked about prayer and the confusing feelings it gives us- mainly me. As I’ve said in previous Facebook posts, I have a really hards time connecting to traditional prayer. That doesn’t mean it never happens- Kabbalat Shabbats always give me the best feels and the occasional shacharit or musaf with the right leader does to; but most of the time, I feel nothing.

I know I’m not alone because many people have trouble with T’fillot in general. I want to connect to god and take time out of my life to do just that, but I don’t know if traditional prayer is the way to do that. I am a big fan of new things- things that may make us feel uncomfortable because of their newness but in the end are better for finding meaning in our lives.

That’s what its all about- finding meaning and connecting to something other then yourself. And whatever way one can do that is what one should do. The thing about Nativ is its very stuck in its ways and doesn’t necessarily like ideas like these. But that doesn’t mean it will always be that way :). I think the way Judaism is revolutionizing is going to make it so we will have to grapple with this idea of change in our tefillah structure- and I’ll be ready for it, hell I’ll help make it happen if I have to! I’m not worried at all…

Just another day in the life of being a person, and a jew.

Speaking of meaningful tefillot, that night was the beginning of open shabbat. That means that most of Nativ left base for shabbat for a variety of things. A lot of people went to Tel Aviv to party and do things like that while others went to visit family.

Myself and a good group of 25 or so people stayed here at base for shabbos so we could sleep. That night was magical.

First of all, myself as well as a few others went over to a new synagouge to try called Yakar. Now Yakar was the subject of the same facebook post I was talking about before. It was probably the best prayer experience I have ever had.

It wasn’t so extraordinary. It was just like any other Shabbat, at a random shul that I chose two seconds before Ieft… small moves brought me to this experience.

The Hazan and rabbi were so into the service, the tunes were all those that I knew, but the way that they sang the songs and said the words had so much meaning and were so beautiful. Not only that, everyone in the room was enveloped by the experience that I almost fell asleep. It was in such a meditative and immersive experience that I don’t think I can ever replicate again.

After that whole ordeal, we almost got lost getting home with our staff guide Odayiah- the only Israeli madricha so that’s pretty ironic. But we got home in time for dinner and had a nice meal.

That weekend I definitely got closer with Odayiah- I was never scared of her or anything, everyone else was, I just knew that I didn’t know her yet. So I took the time to make conversation and I’m so glad I did because she is super awesome. She’s being a madricha because she actually loves this shit, not only that but she is very learned in jewish practice while also maintaining a pluralistic and accepting attitude of everyone. Those are the kinds of people I really appreciate.

Later that night we had a hella lit tisch which in lay man’s terms means really amazing and great. Because there was so few of us we just kind of made a big circle and sang a ton of songs- Odayiah even taught us a new one. Her and my Madrich Ethan were the only staff staying around so it was deffinitley easier to make connections.

Also that night, we sang to the pedestrians from our window while playing cards. It didn’t work out so well… some creepy Israeli yeshiva boys got into Agron and visited us singing. Which was pretty strange, but they went away so it was fine in the end.

After that a bunch of us chilled in a room together where we attempted to deep talk but never got to it since everyone was so loud and all over the place. We did play bible toss though, which looking back was pretty disrespectful but also really fun. We took the new testament, through it from person to person and read random quotes in a preacher voice. Eventually it went out the window… anyways enough about that story.

Eventually I got back to my room for bed :)

Shabbat, Sept 16

Shabbat was super chill cause no one was at Agron. Most of us didn’t go to shul, including me; so I got to sleep in until noon before lunch.

After lunch we played Taboo and banana grams for a free hours which was where everyone realized I couldn’t spell and a multitude of jokes were invented. I’m just a funny person okay, don’t make fun of me :).

Anyways after games we had more praying and food and then shabbat ended! What a great shabbos amirite?

That night was the beginning of slichot that we were all required to go to. I did not feel like praying more so I just went to the great synagouge across the street which was pretty stupid and overwhelming.

So when I left, me and a bunch of other people walked over to the kotel and some time with that instead which was much much better. I probably have already talked about this but connecting to that wall may seem strange but it happens and every time I go its just amazing.

On our way back we stopped for pizza (where I learned a valuable lesson about not paying for people) and met a creepy drunk dude. He was asking us where we were from and doing weird things- but it was fine though, he wasn’t dangerous or anything.

Eventually we walked back and went to bed!

Sunday, Sept 17

So school (yuck) is back and kicking.

I’m not even going to summarize the 2 first classes. I will tell you however that in my philosophy class we were speaking about the blurriness between prophets and god and how its a necessary element to understand the covenant.

Don’t worry if you don’t get it, most people don’t. Let’s just say that Moses is pretty godly and some would say- god itself.

I know… let’s just move on.

In Jerusalem course it was Christian day! So we went to (the otherwise restricted) christian quarter of the old city to visit the Chruch of the holy sepulchre and talk all about that other fun religion. We learned all about Jesus’ last week on Earth, how he spent it in Jerusalem. We also learned about the historical context for the creation of Christianity by Paul of Tarsus and then Constantine as a legit religion in the 4th century CE, over 300 years after Jesus’ death.

We learned about St. Helena, Constantine’s mom, and how she built the city’s Christian landscape to be what it is today including the church (to some extent). Then we learned how  influence would affect the area for years to come- including how Jews were prevented from living there still under Christian rule- a ruling held by the Romans hundreds of years earlier.

The church itself is super strange- there are so many periods represented and it can be overwhelming sometimes but all in all its pretty spectacular. The same building has both 10th century mosaics and 2 thousand year old pillars.

That night I had an IEB meeting where I gave the board an overview of everything to come on the Israel side of things! (there is so much yay!!!)

Later, I hated Agron food so I ran over to get a Pizza from the nice place across the street with Zach. I ended up going again since Lauren needed someone to go with, and on that journey we struck up a convo with the guy serving us who was actually from Milan; it was funny cause both me and Lauren have Italian ancestry.

I also changed my sheets before bed and then saved another one of my friends from having to walk home alone from a bar.

All in a days work!

Monday, Sept 18th

Monday was a heavy counterpart day! Yay counterparts!!! I love talking to them and hearing their ideas, its just so much fun and a great way to spend down time as well.

School was pretty boring, but I did talk to my Philosophy teacher about what we can actually do to fulfil the covenant- to which he replied that he has no idea and that its really up to us. Ha lol.

After school we had a Rosh Hashanah seder meeting. I was part of the group that explained the different elements of the seder and ran it. Later on that when we get to the Rosh Hashanah recap. Anyways, after that little meeting we had a little birthday party for 3 different people- one from each track. I had some great conversations with then new friends like Erica, Mariah, Rayut etc which was lovely. And then chilled with Zach M, Jacquie, Odayiah and others.

Let me tell you, Odayiah is fricken hilarious. I have a bunch of amazing quotes from her from that experience- she literally completes my life that woman. The best one is “You know how to solve the Palestinian conflict, take all the Palestinians, put them into Gaza and saw it off of Israel” “They’re just so close, so we’ll just push them towards America and they’ll blow them up”, But Odayah, you can’t just blow up millions of people! “Trump will find a way”. 
Just a preview of the hilariousness. You’re welcome.

Today, we were also introduced to STD. Otherwise known as Shayna Tziona Dinkelberger (thanks Emily), our kinder toy that I received as a gift for getting a question right in the weekly email (thanks Ethan).

Tuesday, Sept 19th

Last day before Rosh Hashanah prep!!!

School was school… I slept in Modern Jews again and philosophy was cool. I did have to write up a paragraph to validate how horrible I am at Hebrew, just something to switch up the day I guess.

At jerusalem class that day we travelled to the tower of David and learned all about Muslim influence in Jerusalem. Did you know that Islam’s claim to land is actually based on many more years of history then the Jews. All that means it that both our claims to that land is legit. Also, both the Torah and Quarran don’t reference Jerusalem- only vague references to the place that would later be known as Jerusalem; al quds (or far place) for them and shalom for us.

I just thought that was an interesting tidbit.

Anyways, the tower of david was named that by muslims and had nothing to do with Jews which is pretty funny. We saw a beautiful view and learning all about what Jerusalem means for Muslims.

later that day I bought my own Personal machzorim for the high holidays with much pressure from the Madrichim and then we had erev nativ! At erev nativ this week we had Jerusalem U come and give us a lecture/discussion about the conflict. And by the conflict I mean THE conflict.

I thought the presentation was sort of flawed.. He was quite abrasave and painted the conflict very black and white where as it isn’t that easy to explain. I did appreciate his attempt though. I may or may not join the subsequent sessions.

We also had a Rosh Hashanah seder committee meeting where I was assigned the apple and its significance. More on that with the Rosh Hashanah post.

Also that day was some more USY calls, yay counterparts!!!!!

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Alright friends, I know its a week late but that’s been my Tumblr post for my second week on Nativ in Jerusalem. Its been a crazy ride and Rosh Hashanah was pretty insane so more on that in the next few days. I promise I’ll get to it before too many more days pass!!!

It can be really really hard sometimes to be living here without parents or best best friends but I’m slowly getting used to it. Week 2 was a lot about getting more comfortable on Nativ, at the house and making new friends in the process.

Next week will be all about meaning, getting those deeper relationships and the dawn of starting to try new things.

Nativ! You’re a blessing and an issue but we’re gonna make it work!!!!

**#sorrynotsorry about the spelling errors, in the words of Zach Sieff “you type fast”**