#this was overall a peaceful experience. wasn’t made fun of for my dog shit ass vision even once

[peachcitt]

going to an eye appointment expecting to be berated for my shit dog ass vision just like usual except queer people work there so instead im complimented and called lovely like an endearment

[phantom-of-the-keurig]

if you don’t want people asking about it, I completely understand, feel free to ignore this ask but I recently go back on tumblr after like a 2-3 year break and as someone who followed for phantom stuff but stayed for that good good clone content, I have to ask. What happened in the poto fandom that made you leave? I’m so far out of the loop in regards to it nowadays since almost everyone is deactivated now and I’m just curious as to what went down. Love your blog and here’s to hoping Cody gets the spotlight he deserves in the Kenobi series, cheers!

I don’t mind talking about it anon, no worries. I will throw out a quick TW for mentions of mental health and suicidal thoughts.

I don’t think there was any one incident, it was more of a gradual build up that eventually just became so much I no longer cared about the source material anymore and found the community exhausting and toxic.

I think the biggest issue was how small of a community the phantom fandom is, and also, how old it is. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of awesome, wonderful, extremely kind phantom fans. But unfortunately there is also quite a few long term jaded fans that have been around since Michael Crawford was a mere sperm in his father’s loins and that kind of goes to their head. Plus there were your typical toxic fans that linger in any fandom. With the community being so small, even blocking these people did nothing because they would still end up on your dash. And you had to watch all your mutuals interact with these people and worship the ground they walked on.

Being in the phantom fandom was extremely bad for my mental health overall. I had some really nasty experiences with people, including being essentially doxxed and having what I thought were close friends turn on me and threaten to expose my real name online (I have an extremely unique first name and it would be more than easy to find me if you knew it), and yet I was expected to act as if these things were not happening and keep everything hush hush for the sake of peace. I guess part of that is my fault, because I’m not very smart and am really awful at putting things into words so when I would try to explain things or talk about keeping the community positive I just made things worse. My dumb ass was no match against these part time literary scholars. Or the anons.

I remember once making a post explaining how I had a hard day at work after having a dog bleed out on me after being shot, and that was why I came to tumblr to just relax and escape life and didn’t want to get into debates about fictional characters because I was just here for fun. Someone made a vague post about me after, making fun of me and essentially calling me a big baby. I don’t remember the details, but I remember how much it hurt like that I can remember so clearly. I felt like an idiot.

I was young when I joined the poto fandom, like 17 or 18. I was young and just wanted to fit in. Eventually I felt like an outsider in the community and no longer felt welcomed. Mix that on top of the doxxing and overall craziness of discourse and I went to a really scary place. But I stuck around, because things calmed down and it wasn’t like anyone wanted anything to do with me so I was mostly ignored. I’m 23 now, almost 24, and sometime last year I realized I just don’t give a shit about these people (the toxic, snobby ones) or trying to fit in with them anymore. Like I genuinely don’t give a fuck about discourse, or the meta of a fictional character and what makes this or that problematic about them. Like I don’t have the energy to care.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i dunno if any of that made sense, it’s 7 am and I’m rambling. I guess the TLDR is I stopped caring about stupid stuff and that’s why I now have the attitude of just being in a fandom for fun. If I don’t like something now I either ignore it and let people enjoy what they want or I block and move on. I just try not to engage with serious discourse or meta bs because it just ain’t worth it to me.

[theoldestofthettails]

Brody, the dog (not actually, but it made me laugh, so…)

In a desperate attempt to distract myself from the ultimate fuckboy that is Roy, I continued my Tinder shenanigans (or Hinge in this case), and I matched with Brody. And Brody is an interesting fellow; he went to college not to far from me, lives not to far from me, and did some time in the peace corps but was pulled out because of a civil war in the country he was in (if you feel so inclined to do the research, you can definitely find where he was, but that’s on you).

             And so I was excited to meet Brody because he seemed like such a cool guy. He knows like 4 languages, served in the peace corps… Is just an overall cool guy, right? He told me some funny college stories (he was definitely wilder than I was in college), so I was fully prepped to have a fun night with a typical college douchebag and I was okay with that.

             But so I meet Brody out for dinner one Friday night. Important detail: I have a friend coming to spend the weekend with me from college though she isn’t supposed to be here until 9, and we’re having dinner at 7, so plenty of time. But anyways, I went all out. Curled my hair. Heels. Lipstick. The whole deal. And I should mention that I did all of this to go to fucking ShakeShack (you can laugh; I’m laughing at myself). But anyways, I’m totally feeling myself and am hype about this date because I look hella cute and this guy seems super fun.

             But of course, nothing ever goes according to plan. Because I definitely left my house with enough time to get there, but was still 10 minutes late because of traffic (jesus I hate where I live). And I hate being late, so I’m just sweaty when I get there. I also had no idea where we were going, so I got lost and it took us a solid 10 minutes to find one another. But whatever. It happened. We made it work.

             So I find him. Kind of. We’re on the phone and he’s like “I see you I think” and he’s right – he’s on the floor below me, looking up at me. So we meet at the escalator. And guys… I’m so sick of ugly guys. His pictures were cute AF, but in person, he just didn’t do it for me. And this guy is actually really nice too. So the niceness combined with his face and body… My pussy was dry. But whatever, my pussy doesn’t need to be wet for me to eat a burger.

             We get to the place and it’s packed (again, I hate where I live). So we get in line and order food and we order beer. But since we got beer we definitely have to eat there (or chug them, which I definitely suggested and was down to do – he was down if we couldn’t find a table by the time we got our food). But so we got out food and a table and we sat down to eat and chat. And boy did we chat. I think that’s my favorite part about first dates. Well, only if the other person is fairly outgoing. I’m pretty good at matching the personality of those I’m with, so if I’m with someone super outgoing, I can match and it’s totally good. But I definitely enjoyed talking to his ugly ass and hearing all about his experiences and sharing some of my own.

             We begin wrapping up our dinner and I know that the end is near so I need to make the decision to peace the fuck out or continue hanging out with this dude. And so I suggest we go to the bar upstairs in the mall and keep drinking. So we go and order giant beers and keep drinking and it’s great mostly. But there are two important moments that are worth noting, and my reaction to both are also super important.

             First: he is showing me pictures of himself form all of his traveling and his time in the peace corps and I’m pissed because the guy in the pictures is so cute and then I look to the guy holding my phone and I’m just not. Into. It. When you aren’t physically attracted to someone, you shouldn't continue to hang out with them (either that night or more generally, after), but here I am, just hanging out with this ugly guy that I'm not into. It’s fine.

             Second: he told me a story about when he went to visit his friends’ college while he was in college. And it was Halloween or something and, so, Halloween is always a fucking nightmare, right? Well he’s hammered and he’s party hopping which is fine, but his friends and him take a bus to go to another place and he finds this girl on the bus (also hammered). And so they start making out – totally fine, two consenting adults, whatever. But then they reach his stop and his friends get off, and leave him on the bus making out with this girl. Not really a big deal either. But then he goes to go home with this girl. And they get to her place, and her friends/roommates let her in and slam the door in his face (and she does the awkward “I’m so sorry but my friends are out of control – there’s nothing I can do”). And so I’m really weirded out by this story, because we all know those guys. Those weird fucking guys that we end up hooking up with and regret, so we text our friends telling them to get rid of him. We’ve all literally been there, right? We’ve all had to get rid of the weird guy, right? And it just made me super uncomfortable that I was having dinner with the weird guy that another girl desperately tried to get away from. I should have let this end here, but of course I didn’t.

             We finish our beers and we’re in the process of leaving the bar. I tell him that if he goes with me to get wine, I’ll drop him off at the metro station on my way home (there’s one right by my place – of course, this dude doesn’t have a car either). He agrees, and onto the grocery store we go. And I don’t know how the fuck we got on the topic, but I start telling him how I’ve been hooking up with these non-white people that just all seem to have tiny dicks, right? Like I’m going tf off about how every dude I go out with sucks because their dicks are tiny. And it’s fine, because Brody is white and I fully expect him to have a little peen, too, so I’m kind of indirectly insulting him though he doesn’t know it.

             But here is where it gets interesting, because he isn’t the least bit offended because he claims he’s significantly larger than the guys I’ve been with recently. The fuck? I’m like, there is absolutely no way in hell. And he responds, goig on this rant about how white guys get a bad rep because there are no white “show-ers,” they’re all “growers.” Weird flex, but okay, Brody.

             We go into the grocery store, get the wine, and are getting back into my car when my gas light comes on. So I’m like “can we get gas before I take you to the metro station?” and he agrees, so up the road to a gas station we go.

             And, look, I’m thoroughly not proud of this… But he was explaining how large he is, and I’m a bit desperate. I’m desperate to not feel anything for Roy. I’m desperate for sex that mirrors sex with my ex (he was large, and that’s all I had for 2 years, and I just wanted the sex I was accustomed to having). I’m just desperate. And so yes, Brody is ugly, but I suggest he goes home with me for quick sex before my friend gets there. It’s like 8:45 and for some reason, I legitimately thought she was coming at 9:30 (reality: 9:00PM), so I was thoroughly convinced we had plenty of time. And he, of course, agrees, so he runs into the gas station, buys MAGNUM (yippee) condoms, and onto my place we go.

             He says hi to the beasts, and then we head to my bedroom. He starts taking off some clothes, I start taking off some clothes, it’s fine. Except that he’s kind of sweaty, which is kind of gross? It’s like 40 degrees out, why is he sweating? But still, I persevered. And guys, look, I know my body isn’t great, but I’m got enough going in the right places, you can kind of ignore that my stomach isn’t flat. But this dude…. He just looked soft. Like no part of him was hard (minus, you guessed it, his dick). He just looked like a soft, squishy thing, and I just wasn’t into it… But still, I persevered.

             Anyways, he starts kissing me, and he kisses in the same way I imagine a snapping turtle would. I tend to, the first time I'm hooking up with a person, go slow and let them lead, but my dudes, this man was going nuts. It was all teeth and darting tongue – he like bit me, and not nearly in the good way. And he’s just going for it. And it’s all so fast. He’s pawing at my body. He’s panting. And I’m just not with it. But I’ve made it this far, and Jenna doesn’t give up!

             He realizes I’m just not feeling this, so he lays next to me, slows down a little, and just kisses me. Still not great, but without the speed, the ferocity of his kisses is significantly less, so I start to get there. And we do the thing. And it isn’t great. I’m not wet. He is large, it hurts; skin is pulling… And he’s just gross. Full disclosure, I can only orgasm on top, and so I’m on top, and I’m looking at his face, and I just… HELP.

             I close my eyes, I finish, I let him finish, and we’re scrambling for clothes (my friend should be here any minute – it’s like 9:23 [Note: she was supposed to be here at 9, but I thought 9:30]). We get dressed, and I walk into my living room to put on my shoes only to see my friend, Mia, is walking up my walkway to my place. GREAT!!!

             So Mia comes in, gets to meet Brody, and thinks this shit is fucking hilarious. Brody is visibly uncomfortable, climbing into himself, and I'm just like “welp, we’ll be back! Going to the metro!”

             And of course, after I drop him off and get back, Mia is all “dude, he’s UGLY!” Yes, thank you, I know…

             So that’s my story of Brody. He’s texted me since; he wants to hang out again. He suggested coming over to make me dinner, and we have a tentative day scheduled for that. That said, depending on how I feel that day, I may cancel. I don’t know why I’ve agreed to see this ugly guy again, but here I am. Maybe I’m just super lonely, and will grasp at anything to not have to spend a weekend alone. Maybe I’m horny. Maybe maybe maybe…