#this was my way of coping with how disappointing the sequel was

[boinday]

[painted-flag]

A DRUNKARD'S PATHOS - aegon targaryen

Chapter One: The Drunken Fool

✧₊⁺⋆☾ elf!Aegon Targaryen ☾⋆⁺₊✧ series masterlist. ✧₊⁺⋆☾ series warnings: 18+ Smut, depictions of gore/violence, alcoholism, PTSD and anxiety attacks. ☾⋆⁺₊✧ Aegon embarks on a task set out to him by his queen. (3.9k words)

☾⋆⁺₊✧ Sequel book to 'Of Flowers and Death' but can be read as a standalone. (Though there will be spoilers for the first book in later chapters)

Aegon had always been needed; never has he been wanted. 

As the eldest, it was natural for his siblings to have leant on his back growing up. It was not intentional on his sibling's part to cause distress by clinging to his sides, but their arms tightened around his body over time and left lasting marks that he could not nurture away. That pressure, compounded by his parents before their death, hit him hard. For a time, Aegon managed it. He coped with the hand that dealt his life, but patience was never his virtue, nor was anything else his virtue.

The only reprieve that could be found was located at the bottom of a mug of ale… and perhaps a pitcher alongside it; maybe some wine to compliment the ones before. 

Aegon was not stupid, contrary to some other elf’s beliefs. He could see with absolute certainty, the looks of pity, disgust, shame, and sometimes malice that reflected off of the eyes of courtiers. It was something he got used to over time. It became a game to him; each day he would count the different looks he would receive, tally it up in his head, and see if he could break that score the next day. Each day, the number would rise and he would find a sense of accomplishment despite it coming from his foul behaviour. 

It was one of the few things he was good at; disappointing people. Alcohol often made him feel stupid the same way fear could paralyze the body. 

However, there were occasional moments when he would regret his overindulgence of wine as he would slowly get out of his drunken stupor. The pounding in his head was both an unwelcome but familiar feeling. That feeling struck him first upon waking up in a heap on the floor of his room. His back and neck ached from the stiffness of the floor. When he turned his head to look around, it felt like an arrow had lodged its way into his skull. 

He groaned and slowly, like a toddler learning how to walk for the first time, raised himself from the floor on unsteady legs. At the very least, he managed to find his way to his room while blackout drunk – a feat he did not always accomplish. Aegon’s right hand went straight to his lower back, knuckles digging into the skin to ease the throbbing feeling there. 

Aegon saw no tray of food to break his fast, which would normally be waiting on one of his tables. The rumbling in his stomach got stronger and he ventured to his door to call for a servant to fetch him food. Knowing his usual habits, he likely woke later on in the day and thus missed the opportunity to eat with his family in the morning. 

Opening the door, Aegon saw two guards in their usual post on both sides of the entrance. One of them turned their head almost imperceptibly before positioning himself in front of Aegon. 

“The Queen sends for you, my prince.” The guard spoke. There was a moment of pause and the torches that outlined the hall flickered with a draft. 

Aegon’s brows furrowed, “What for?” 

“She did not say, my prince,” The guard cleared his throat, “Just that she wished to speak to you.” 

“Alright, take me to her.” Aegon sighed. A part of himself was a little disappointed as he was hungry and hoped to eat before seeing her. However, out of the many people in this castle, he preferred his good-sister and did not mind visiting her. 

“I’m sorry, my prince, but we were not told where the Queen would be waiting.” This struck Aegon, as he knew there could be a myriad of places where she would be. In her years as Queen, she has taken on countless responsibilities that had her preoccupied most of the day. There was rarely a moment when she was not working, and when she found herself outside of duties, it was often spent in the company of Aemond. He nodded at the guard with a forced smile knowing it was not his fault for being unaware of the Queen’s location. 

Aegon set out on his mission to find her. It was not often that he was sent for, so he had a slight worry that began to build in his chest. Was it something serious? It could very well be a scolding. There had been a few times in recent years when he dived too deep into his cups and had received a gentle scolding from his good-sister. He was thankful that she had yet to become as shut out and combative as his siblings when it came to his nocturnal habits. 

He found himself wandering down corridors and stairs towards the healer's wing. If there were any location where the Queen could be found, it would be in the laboratory researching various illnesses and attempting to fix them with his brother Daeron. So, he was relieved to get to the doors. His feet ached and his pounding head begged for a reprieve and Aegon knew there were plenty of chairs he could rest on in the lab. 

However, he felt immense displeasure at opening the door and spotting the only occupant in the room to be his brother. Daeron was hunched over a brewing pot, staring intently at his notes placed beside it. He made quick motions of dropping a blue-coloured liquid in the pot and scrambling down some notes. The air was thick with the mismatched scent of various herbs and other exotic ingredients that made Aegon’s nose scrunch up. 

“Where is our sister?” Aegon spoke. It seemed to shock Daeron and he yelped while taking a few steps backwards. 

“Seven hells Aegon!” Daeron held his chest with his hand and steadied his breathing, “Helaena is still on her trip with Amara and Liriel to find more bugs.” Daeron’s voice sounded uninterested as he tried to focus back on his work 

“I know where Helaena is. I’m talking about our other sister.” Aegon’s foot tapped on the floor impatiently. 

Daeron paused his work, “She was here this morning, but I don’t recall what her later plans were.” 

“Just fucking great,” Aegon groaned in frustration. 

“You know her,” Daeron reached for another vial to add to his concoction, “There is rarely a moment she is ever not working. I swear, she and Aemond have a similar startling devotion to work.” Aegon rolled balanced on the balls of his feet and swung his arms back and forth, clearly already bored and impatient. 

“Do I have to search every damn corner of this castle?” Aegon voiced it out loud but was largely speaking to himself. 

“Oh!” Daeron stood up straight and looked back at his brother, “I think she said something about looking forward to lunch…” 

Aegon tilted his head and blew out a puff of air, “Well that gives me all the answers.” Sarcasm dripped from his mouth and he crossed his arms. Aegon scanned the room again, desperately hoping she was there and hidden amongst the various stacks of books that littered the space but came up with nothing. 

“Not my job to keep tabs on everyone in this family.” Daeron justified and then moved towards the door to the library. He seemed super busy and Aegon wished not to disturb him anymore. He left the laboratory and went on the prowl across the castle. 

It had begun to frustrate him. Aegon had checked most of the libraries and gardens in the castle. Those places, aside from the laboratory, were her top choices of locations and yet he still could not find her. He had begun to retrace his steps when he saw a maid bustling down the corridor with a tray of used silver dishes that had remains of food on them. 

He flagged her down instantly and spoke, “Do you know where the queen is?” 

The maid looked back from where she came from and then turned to him, “The King and Queen were having their midday meal in the garden just at the end of the hall. Is there something I can help you with?” 

“No,” Aegon shook his head, “But thank you for informing me.” He spent little time in immediately setting forth towards the garden. The stumbling state he was in had started to wash away as his hangover came to its close. He could still feel the terrible pounding in his head, but it had gone nearly numb. 

He felt great relief upon nearing the door and swinging it open. This garden area was much like all the other ones in the castle – little remnants of flower patches within the roots of the grand tree and dark brick that made up the vast estate. He could not recall many of his lessons as a child but remembered that the age of the elder tree that they lived in was older than what any elf could tell. It had always been a constant fixture in his being's history – a steady reminder of the near-immortality they all possessed. 

Aegon shirked back upon seeing two figures in the gazebo that was placed at the centre of the small garden. His brother stood behind the chair that the Queen sat in. Aemond was leaning over the back of the chair, his arms wrapped around her front with his hands resting on her stomach. She giggled as he peppered kisses on her cheek. The lovers were unaware of Aegon’s presence, too wrapped up in their own little world.

Aegon felt sick. 

While normally reserved in public, there were a few times that he had caught the couple in more compromising positions. It had led him to be very wary of entering rooms without announcing his entry. The first time had nearly accounted for Aemond taking his head. Apparently, his brother was not a fan of other people seeing his wife so bare. 

Aegon had sworn he did not see anything inappropriate, just the plane of her bare back, but Aemond had been so enraged Aegon had no choice but to spend the week outside of the castle lest he incur his brother’s wrath again. 

He coughed loudly and averted his gaze to the ground. It was nearly instantaneous that Aemond unwrapped his arms from around his wife and stood up straight. Aemond was not one to be publically affectionate, especially in front of his brother. 

“Ah, brother,” The Queen paid no mind to his disturbance, “I’m hoping you received my message.” 

Aegon took her response as an invitation to look up, “Yes, well, it was a bit difficult finding where you were.” Aegon walked towards the couple, though stumbled just slightly as the alcohol had yet the wear off completely. 

He was familiar with the sight of disappointment and pity that reflected off of his brother’s face. Aegon’s activities were always judged by everyone in the castle, even his family. He made a note to add his brother to the score of people he disappointed that day so he could beat it on the morrow. 

Aegon’s personal game had always been fun, but that giddy feeling came to an abrupt end when he saw the same sentiment reflecting off of the face of his good-sister. She had always, through the years, been supportive of him through anything. It was she who would nurture what little non-destructive hobbies he enjoyed, she who would sit and listen to him whenever he wished to rant, she who would not judge him. Yet, here, now, somehow, he had crossed a line this time. 

Suddenly, he felt an ounce of shame at even thinking about noting her disappointment to his tally. He did not want her to be added to a roster full of people who thought less of him. 

“You could have caught her if you had deigned to join us in the morning,” Aemond’s words were underlined with judgement, casting a negative light on Aegon’s habit of drinking until he could not anymore and waking whenever his body allowed. 

“Darling,” The Queen reached up from her spot in the chair and squeezed Aemond’s forearm, “I was wondering if we could have a moment alone to talk.” 

Aemond stood in his spot, looking at his brother before removing his gaze back to his wife. He smiled gently at her, nodded, and kissed her hand as a goodbye. Aemond stalked out of the garden and passed Aegon, not sparing a moment to look at his brother. There was a tension between them that Aegon could not discern. Aegon felt that, through the years of recent change in the kingdom, his brother had grown distant with him. 

Aegon swallowed the saliva that had pooled in his throat and went on his way towards his sister. He would normally be gladdened to spend a moment talking with her, but the abruptness of his summons and the tense atmosphere that descended upon the gardens when he entered led Aegon to believe she and Aemond had spoken about something that needed to be addressed. 

In a peculiar way, he felt like he was a child once again; preparing to be scolded by his parents for uncouth behaviour not befitting of an up-and-coming prince. 

He ascended the steps of the gazebo and plopped himself down in the chair set across from her. He frowned at the lack of food at the table having secretly wished there were some leftovers he could scrounge up. The Queen stretched in her seat, reached forth to grab a cup of tea and placed it in her lap. She sighed loudly and scanned the garden – a look of searching in her gaze. 

“After all my time here, I like to believe it has afforded me more wisdom than my entire life before.” To Aegon, her words sounded like the start of a long speech. He bit the inside of his cheek, unsure if he was willing to sit and have his good friend speak on his uncouth habits.

“Well, ten years for humans is a blink for elves, so it is no wonder here has felt like an eternity for you.” Aegon tried to jest in hopes that could brush away some of the uncomfortable feelings that budded in his chest. 

She gave him a small smile, “You know what I mean, Aegon.” He sucked in a breath at her words. For a while, there had been underlying fear within the family. It went largely unspoken for fear of making it come true if it was voiced. There was no covering the fact that the Queen was human and with it, the condition of aging extremely fast compared to elves. 

They were all worried that their time with her would be short, Aemond most of all. 

However, there was great relief in seeing that she had not aged since her marriage to Aemond – the tying of their souls prevented it. Ten years of underlying fear had gradually been put to rest. 

“Are you going to tell me why you have summoned me?” Aegon decided to address the underlying problem in their tense interaction, “You never summon me or anyone. I recall you saying one time that it made you feel mean.”

“Aegon, do you remember when I came to this kingdom?” The Queen asked abruptly, there was a certain impatience in her countenance that was not normal. 

He managed to find some spare grapes on one of the silver trays and plopped one in his mouth, “Of course. Next thing I knew, you had my brother tamed like a horse in one of our stables.” 

“Not exactly what I was going for in an answer,” She mumbled as she placed her cup of tea on the table, “You got drunk at one of the castle's parties and I had to get you back to your room. You may not remember it, but you expressed certain feelings of… inadequacy because of your habits.”

Aegon’s breathing ceased as he stared down at the stone-carved table. He did not want to look up, did not want to suffer the look of pity from the one person who had – until now – not judged his habits. It felt like a transition past the line of boundaries. He had gone too far in his habits and continued it too long that now the only person who refrained from falling in line with the others switched sides and was now against him. 

The Queen could see Aegon’s growing discomfort and tried to ease it, “Now, I know you may not want to hear this right now–”

“I don’t,” Aegon interrupted, “Why are you putting this on me? You of all people?” Something in the way he said those words struck a chord in her. She pursed her lips and looked away. There, in the light of the lanterns full of fireflies, he could see tears brimming in her eyes. Her hands moved to rest on her belly as she took a deep breath in.  

“We love you Aegon. I love you. You are my brother.” She turned back to him, now resolute and determined, “You may have said those words to me while drunk, but they were just as true as your thoughts. Do not deny it. You feel you have nothing of note when compared to your siblings, but that is not true.” 

Aegon’s feelings of uncomfortableness morphed into underlying anger. He did not wish to sit there and suffer the scorn of someone – especially someone who did not know what it was like for him. She had not seen what he did during the Great War. She did not lay witness to what happened, nor has she felt the pressure of being a prince since birth. In a way, he felt an ounce of resentment for it; for anyone who had not been privy to those battlefields. 

“I remember,” Aegon interrupted her. He did not wish to listen to this any further. 

“Then what did I tell you?” The Queen leaned further in her seat and did not relent until he met her gaze. She was reaching out with her sympathy, trying to dig into Aegon’s conscience and elicit some reaction. 

Aegon pursed his lips, “You said many of your people would kill to live as long as I do. That I can choose not to waste my time and contribute to something… more.”  The words felt like poison coming from his lips. He had anger, but he could not pinpoint its source. Was the anger directed at her? No, that did not feel right. His parents? Perhaps. His siblings? Absolutely not. No, Aegon felt indignation and resentment at himself, but acknowledging it would surely be the end of him. 

“Then why must you waste your opportunity at life?” She asked. 

“Who says I am wasting it? I like my life,” A lie, but one he so desperately clung to, “I do not owe anyone anything. It is my life and I shall do with it as I please.” 

The Queen leaned back in her chair, her hands absentmindedly tracing patterns on the fabric that covered her stomach, “Do you?”

“What?” Aegon questioned. 

“Do you like your life? Truly?” She made extra care to pause for a second after each word, pronouncing her words as clearly as possible. Her eyes observed him in a manner like he was one of her patients, calm and calculating to look for any maladies that held his body. Aegon felt like his whole existence was a sick blemish. 

He hesitated, unsure of how to proceed, “Yes.” The words were not even convincing enough for him. There was a long pause in their conversation with nothing but the chirping of birds and the buzz of fireflies to interrupt the silence. 

“I think,” The Queen broke the silence, “That you could benefit from a trip. An adventure, if you will, across the kingdom. It could do you some good. Get to know your people, hear different perspectives, and experience something beyond the walls of this castle.” 

Aegon sucked in a breath. The last time he had ventured from the castle was when he served in the Great War alongside Aemond. Those memories, those experiences, were never far from his mind. He could simply close his eyes and that would be all it took to bring back the sound of screams, the visions of swords clashing and blood coating everything. 

The itch for a glass of wine hit him instantly like the arrows that were slugged at his friends.

“You think a trip around the kingdom would fix me?” Aegon tried to hide his slight amusement at her absurd proposition. 

“Not fix you, Aegon, but it can do some good. I experienced a prolific change in my life simply because I ventured far from home. It could be the same for you.” Her voice was still gentle, caring even. Not something that was particularly out of character. That had always been her attitude – a stark contrast to many humans he had met in his time. 

Aegon thought for a moment. It had been a while since he left, and while that last time left a lasting scar on his life, he could get other things from this trip. He thought back to the taverns he frequented with his friends in the town outside the castle. They had begun to bore him to the point where he would rather venture deep into the storage rooms of the castle and drink away his night there rather than spend another iota of time in those stuffy buildings with sweating elves. 

“It may not be the worst idea,” He was reluctant to give in, but the temptation was stronger, “It would be nice to see the service of other taverns in the kingdom.”

The Queen’s face softened and she looked at him with nothing but vulnerability, disappointed in his immediate thought of drinking, “Do you think that will heal you?”

The question struck him harder than a punch or stab on the battlefield. He wanted to run from that courtyard, from the conversation, and wishfully from himself. However, like many times in his life, Aegon could do nothing but freeze up. Paralyzed and unable to help himself, unable to help those around him.

The sounds of swords clashing echoed in his ears again. The itch for wine became undeniable. 

“Do you want me to go on this trip or not?” Aegon challenged. 

“You are not forced to go on this trip, Aeg,” The Queen shifted and stood from her chair. She glanced across the garden and walked to be right beside his chair. Looking down at him, she spoke again, “Think about it, please. I do not doubt the good in your heart, you love everyone so fiercely. But for once, do something for yourself. Love yourself.” With those words, she descended the steps of the gazebo, across the stone walkway, and back into the castle. 

Aegon sat there, his gaze focusing on the yellow reflection of firefly lights on the silver trays. He wanted to scream but found himself unable to conjure up his voice. He was tired, exhausted by the profound efforts of everyone around him to stem a part of himself that he did not wish to get rid of. 

He was himself, yet all people wanted to do was make him change. 

He did not want to change. He did not need to change. And he certainly will not by going on a stupid, insignificant adventure across the kingdom.

✧₊⁺⋆☾ I'd like to give a shoutout to the beta readers of this chapter and the next. Your feedback and advice were incredible and helped me ground this work. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your days to not only read but provide feedback! <3

Thank you so much! @blackswxnn @0eessirk8 @abriltargaryen

☾⋆⁺₊✧ If you want to be added to the taglist, click here!

TAGLIST: @witchymermaid12 @ribbetzetoad @qardasngan @scrumptiousloser

[brainrotgoverner]

Okay SO. You said your ask was always open for fanfic ideas and I. Kinda wanted to ask if you had planned a sequel for Mistletoe on Valentine's Day. And I don't mean a ~spicy~ sequel (although it would be just as welcomed) but a "how do these two interact from now on?".

Are they in a relationship? Do they act all embarrassed with each other the next time they meet? Did they go far enough to skip a few bases the same day of their first kiss? And how are they coping with it? How will their relationship evolve from this?

I can't stop imagining the next prince charming a few books later walking in on his mother/the queen/the evil step-mother making out with the girl of his dreams and THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

So, yeah. I know you probably have lots of WIPs already, so this is mostly me venting what my brain had thought today 👀

Yes I am open for ideas! (AND IM SO GLAD YOU ASKED)

I do want to make a sequel for 'Mistletoe on Valentines day' but there isn't really any planning in this moment for the exact reason you brought up XD I don't know if I want to make it ✨spicy✨ and finally bring the smut tag to this little but awesome fandom or go the 'time skip' route and wrote about these dorks trying to navigate their new...situation. (because it's not really a relationship, not yet <3)

Now onto your questions;

-No, it's not really a relationship yet. I don't think neither Chase nor Buddy has much experience with relationships (In my headcanon; Chase is too obsessed with idols and developed very high standards. Combine it with his mom being sick and he hadn't really dated much. I also headcanon Buddy literally grew up in Ex Libris and I don't think they allow dating, so again, not much experience) I doubt they would want to rush into one. More like pining, awkward flirting, and escapades. They would definitely want to take it to the next level, maybe go on a date but 1-) Buddy still needs to take Chase's key back 2-) They only know each other in books and didn't interact that much outside of their spats 3-) Ex Libris

So, yeah, they have a long way to go XD

-Yes they do act all embarrassed the next time they see each other. There would be lots of blushing, evaiding eyes, and stumbling over words XD They both don't really know how to handle this <3

-They wouldn't go all the way on the first day they kissed, no. But there would be enough action that they would need to clean up after if you catch my drift XD

-I think Buddy would be very deep guilt and shame. Not because of Chase, no, but because he feels like he betrayed Ex-Libris. Fraternized with the enemy. Worse, it wasn't just going with the flow. He specially asked to continue and he couldn't stop thinking about it. All the feelings he repressed about the 'annoying' blondie surfaced at the same time. Also, it's his first kiss. So, yeah, he is overwhelmed lol

And Chase is pretty pumped up he might get a hot goth bf who kinda looks like his body pillow <3 maybe a bit worried because Buddy seems like a very classy guy with high standards and he doesn't want to disappoint him. But overall? Pretty good <3

-Oh it WILL develop into something openly sincere (emphasis on the 'openly' part. They were both kinda into each other but repressed it cuz enemies to lovers <3) they just need a bit of time and effort from both sides.

AND YEP they are NOWHERE near as sneaky as they think they are and have to frequently abandon books because the stepsisters can't be mean to Cinderella since the poor maid got traumatised after walking in on her with stepmother and gossip travels fast XD

BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH thanks to you I got to write my thoughts down and this actually cleared up my brain XD I think im going to do two different follow ups to that fic;

1-) ✨spice✨

2-) Them trying to navigate their new situation and traumatising a few book characters on the way

[bumblebeehug]

Regarding the END rewriting post, I feel like there are so many nalu moments that had a lot of potential but ended up being a bit disappoting ?? Like in 100 yq when lucy held natsu back and got burnt, but they never had a proper conversation about it. Idk I just find it a bit frustrating

i don't even know if i can pretend that mashima and ueda's treatment of nalu is fine, because it really isn't. mashima can abolutely spend his time writing about as many mangas and stories as he wants, but i feel like he shouldn't have promised the sequel if he never intended to put in effort for it. i could have managed half of the amount of arcs we've had leading up to these recent chapters, if we could have gotten more character development instead. just brief insights of what's been going on with Lucy since the war against Alvarez, how Natsu has been dealing with his END stuff, because clearly that's unfinished business, and I'd love to see Wendy flashback to the faces during the tartaros arc by learning how she's coping mentally, maybe talking with carla about it etc.

to not just criticize the mashima's writing, i feel like nalu as a ship has been overlooked for a crazy long time now. We haven't gotten a nalu-centered chapter cover in ages, nalu day became 1/4th about nalu and 3/4ths of the other ships in the major four. Now i'm really reading in to it though, because if you look at the effort he's been putting into the nalu arts compared to the other ones, nalu had unshaded arts that felt unfinished and hurried, the face on natsu this year felt meaningless rather than exciting, and in general, the jerza and gruvia art has been so much higher quality, that i can't help but to feel a little deserted. natsu didn't even get an artpiece for his day this year, however he did get a shared one some weeks before that, where Wendy was kinda main focus (i love her but natsu sould be a liiiittle bit more in focus, considering the fact that he's the hero of the entire franchise)

i would also die for some general interractions between natsu and lucy in the hyq that go beyond natsu saying "ill fight the enemy with my fist!" and lucy smacking him on his head or reacting loudly like "don't say that!" or "that won't work!" or "it's always as simple as that for you huh", because i'm sorry but they barely seem like friends anymore? ik it's mainly the recent chapters that's been like this, but it's exhausting either way yk.

the fact that the whole year of abandonment got brushed over is also one of the things i wish mashima would've tied up in the sequel, but i doubt it would happen now, so far along.

also, the fact that natsu had no reaction about nasha or the relationship between the star-versions of them is just disappointing

[colourful-void]

OKAY I GOT DISTRACTED FOR A BIT BY GETTING IN THE ZONE BUT AITSF UDPATE:

1: finished the komeji and shoma ending! i! okay ill be honestly i wasn't super thrilled. I REALLY like the set up stuff in terms of simulation reality, and beleiving its all fake bcs you can't cope, im MASSIVELY INTO THAT. But. I don't. like. Komeji I'm so sorry his just. he's so cube. and he annoys me. I feel like a usually have a pretty high tolerance for this kinda stuff but I just. On paper i get it but in practice I really dont like him. was very happy to see date n co tho. i think it's RIDICULOUSSSS how they explain date's interest in porn like that did not need to be explained. however. its such a stupid explanation it kinda loops back around to being funny to me. sure. why not.

2: ollowing finishing that route i tried to get back to Tokiko to see if i could use that elevator code, bcs she'd been mentioning frayers and i thought i knew what that was but i did not. but no thats only 6 digits so still not right f=/. dang. i also tried to get onto mizuki's half i miss my baby, but i found i needed two names. i know Dahlia is one, but the other is 4 letters so. Currently its probably either for Mame, Lien, or Naix. I suspect Naix the most as an answer.

3: started onto the other route from komeji's somnium. I maintain that these are too easy. It's not like they're like. the problem is that I feel like i'm being treated like I'm an idiot. ryuki and tama talk everything out in such detail, and theres often not a lot of stuff to interact with at all, a lot of which doesn't even let you make the choices like from the last game. like, proper timie usage was SO important to me last game and in this one I've never even racked up 3. i also feel like there's less dream logic, and it's a little disappointing. like, oh tape the cardboard back together. turn on the tv. =( the whimsy. it did improve some in the back half though, and i'll take it!!!

4: liking this dead komeji route WAY MORE than the other one. its not that i hate him that much but i do like the way the plots moving here. what does mame know? whats the masked womans deal? has anyone seen shoma. WHAT IS WRONGGGG WITH RYUKI <33. what is wrong with ryuki is by far my favourite mystery. im more interested in that than i am in the half body killings honestly. (part of that is teh victims i think. we dont really know jin, chikara was annoying at best but the more i learn about him the more i hate him, komeji was annoying, so. honestly i havent really been that upset about any of them dying. tokiko i did love and i am sad she's gone, but also these murders are a little bland following the first game. i just watched a guys head explode could there at least be a little blood? just a little? i know its probably for plot reasons but ive never missed gore so bad. im not even that into gore.

5: somewhere on the dead komeji route i finally figured out what that little green thing in the menu was so i've activated my tamagotchi thingy!! very fun i love it. mines an iris-y one or something? its cuteee!!

6: in terms of the wider mystery: im just really curious how far they're gonna commit to being meta.they did start with asking ME what i knew about the last game so.... looking forward to ryuki's whole deal, actually getting to play as my darling mizuki again, finding out what is UPP with date. i really like the weird videos series i just think they're neat. if the endgame doesn't have a somnium based on those thigns i will be disappointed, surely thats what we're building to.

i left off right before starting mame's somniumin the gameshow room. i don't think shes' actually involved in the killings, but doing that would be REALLY NEAT as a sequel thing, imo. i'd like it. i think shes just hiding stuff bcs she was threatened. assumably i've still got a good chunk of the game to paly! i havent done much if any of the extra eyeballs either, just whats on the way so. i'll get those guys. have been picking up some costumes n stuff tho. you can put tama <33 in pants <3333333333.

[the-bi-space-ace]

@echoleo @saturn-sends-hugs @floundrickthewayfarer

Aaaahhhhhhhh okay I decided to do this in one post because there was a lot of overlap in the emojis each of you sent in for the ask game so I hope that’s alright 😊

🕯️was there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn't think it would take you?

In all honestly A Matter of Trust as a whole was difficult for me. I think mainly because it was my first multi-chapter undertaking and I pretty much refused to plot it out before I started writing. It feels disjointed to me whenever I go back and read it and honestly? It deserves a rewrite… but I don’t see that happening any time soon 😅

Another thing that was really hard for me was chapter 8 of “You’re Calling Me Home”. I stewed over that chapter. I wrote and rewrote huge portions of that chapter. I am still (on the low) kind of disappointed with that chapter. But I can be overly critical of myself. So I can recognize that it really isn’t that bad and plenty of people liked that chapter and that it is probably just my own self doubt. But it has made me reevaluate why I get like that over my own stories.

🕯️how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you're not a social person/experience social anxiety?

I think collaborating and enjoying each other’s ideas and content and lifting each other up and even having healthy discussions and differing opinions all really help contribute to a healthy fandom space. We are all here because we love this show, right? And part of engaging in fandom is making sure we lift each other up when we see people making things. Fic, Art, head canons etc. We may not always agree and that’s okay! We can also have criticisms of the thing we love and that’s okay! But at the end of the day I think if we remember that there is a live person on the other end of the screen then we can keep fandom spaces healthier. Also as a person who has really bad social anxiety I find it difficult to understand/deal with communication and things like sarcasm. I struggle to know when to comment on something, dm someone, how to respond to a comment, etc. it’s like knowing how/when to make eye contact. I don’t get it but I really really want to. And I do love chatting with everyone and engaging in discussions I just really struggle to understand how if that makes sense.

I’ll be honest with you. My partner reads most of my posts before I post them. Sometimes I have my partner read a message I send if I’m unsure if I’m coming across well. I’m much better at it now and can do it myself most days but sometimes I still feel a crippling sense of anxiety when I’m participating. Everyone here is really nice so it’s a lot easier to deal with than in person situations in my opinion. I have always felt super welcome and I try to make sure the space I engage with is positive. I just have really bad social anxiety but I’m working on it I promise.

🍭why did you start writing?

Originally I started writing… 13 years ago? I had so many words in me and I didn’t know how to get them out. Writing became a great way for me to express my emotions and thoughts and it was easier than talking.

I started writing and posting fanfiction because of the same reasons. I have a lot of words and a lot of ideas in me and I don’t always know what to do with them. When writing Echo in particular I get a sense of catharsis from giving him support and unconditional love. Overall writing itself is a coping mechanism but it is also so. much. fun. And super relaxing. I love putting these characters into situations. I love it so much.

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

You have no idea how excited I am to talk about this. So, I’m writing a sequel to “You’re Calling Me Home” and I described it the other day as a more mature older sibling to the first one. It’s darker. The pain hurts a lot more. There’s conflict that is certainly not easy to overcome. But it still will have those bright moments in the midst of a darker time that I tried to include in the first one. It answers a lot of the questions I left unanswered in the first one. But one of my favorite things about it is that although there is a lot of hardship, a lot of angst, and it has fairly sorrowful moments it still surrounds a very positive idea. That caring is not a weakness but their greatest strength. And it is that care and love for one another that makes the sorrow worth it and means they’ll come out of this not only surviving but stronger. It is exciting for me in a lot of ways, one of them being that I’ve fully plotted it out (first time ever woo woo), but also that I really like the concept. And who doesn’t want to experience a world of hurt before a boatload of comfort 😅 I’m practically buzzing about it and am planning on Chapter 1 to be posted on May 4th (because I’m a nerd and can’t resist) so that I can finish the backlog of fics I’ve been avoiding finishing lol

🌈is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

Liability is a fic I really really love but I struggled writing. I wasn’t super familiar with writing Tech and I spent AGES rewatching episodes to try and capture his character and I wrote and rewrote and rewrote AGAIN for ages. Absolute ages. Do I still feel like it needs work? Yes. But I worked SO HARD on it and I am still kind of proud of it. I’m glad I still decided to post it I almost didn’t.

💘Is there any posted fic you want to rework/re-edit/re-write?

YES ABSOLUTELY YES.

In Their Own Ways is one I would choose to rewrite in a heartbeat. I love the concept, I really do, but it lacks a lot of what I look for now when I am writing. It was still really early on in my posting days and I was still terrified of how people would react to my writing so I played it safe for the most part. I’d love to rewrite it one day and really amp up the themes, especially since I’ve gotten more comfortable with writing since then. I think we all grow as we keep writing and working at it and I’d like to revisit it at some point.

Also A Matter of Trust like I mentioned in another answer 😊

[kyndaris]

Wicked-ly Talented

With Wicked seeing a resurgence thanks to the release of the film adaption (albeit only the first act), there has been a renewed interest in many of the songs that feature in it. In just my workplace alone, I've seen people use Dancing Through Life as a coping mechanism (primarily because they admire the actor Jonathan Bailey for his charming performance) to trying to learn the melody of Defying Gravity.

In many ways, it reminds me of when I first saw the musical back in high school. Did I make it a large part of my personality and sing a slew of the songs at my friends even though they had no idea of where the songs came from?

The answer, of course, is a resounding yes.

Of course, several people in my group of friends were quite excited about Defying Gravity (but only because it featured in Glee and well, who wasn't obsessed with Glee back in the mid-2000s?)

After watching the film in cinemas, though, I have to admit the Wicked Part 1 film is a fairly faithful adaption of the musical. In fact, it even pads out certain scenes and songs including a cameo in One Short Day for the original Broadway cast queens. I know I almost leapt out of my seat seeing them on the big screen (and since this blog post will come out in January 2025, I'm not as terrified of spoiling the movie for anyone) as they sang an original number detailing the history of the Grimmerie.

Although, to be fair, I was humming Thank Goodness after the end of the movie. I REALLY want to see Cynthia Erivo's take on No Good Deed. And I KNOW I'll be a sobbing mess with For Good.

On the coattails of the very successful Wicked came Moana 2. And while critics did not fall in love with the film, it has still proven to have blown up quite big at the box office. Probably because of all the kids clamouring to see it with their parents. I know my cinema was certainly packed to the gills with families as they settled in for an adventure across the ocean.

While the songs of the sequel don't quite hit the heights of the original Moana (most likely because Lin Manuel Miranda didn't return and we had different songwriters in the form of Barlow and Bear - the minds behind the unofficial Bridgerton musical), there were still quite a few memorable numbers. Beyond and Get Lost were great pieces. What Could Be Better Than This had several people laughing. And the one that touched my heart the most was the song sung in the native indigenous tongue of the Polynesian islands: Finding the Way.

I suppose what disappointed me the most about Moana 2 was how the villains didn't truly interact with our protagonists in a meaningful way. Nalo just felt like a force of nature a la volcano monster. And though the trailers painted Matangi as another obstacle in Moana's way, she actually proved to be an ally. After her solo piece, however, she vanished from the rest of the story. It just felt like lazy writing to me and if Matangi wasn't there, I doubted there would have been any significant impacts to the overall narrative.

Then, of course, there was the mid-credits scene hinting at a definite sequel. Which, I am certain, will probably pad out more of the lore behind the world established in these first two films.

Furthermore, given Moana literally DIED and was then brought back as a DEMIGOD, it might be worthwhile to see how she'll chart the rest of her adventures across the Pacific Ocean now that she's angered Nalo and Tamatoa.

But while I did watch and engage with these two musical films at the end of 2024, I have to admit, I'm a little bit more obsessed with season 2 of Arcane. Especially the CANON relationship between Caitlyn Kiramman and Violet Nolastname. Forget Catra x Adora and Luz Noceda x Amity Blight (or even Princess Bubblegum and Marceline, though since I never did watch Adventure Time, I can't really say they ever truly consumed my waking moments), it's all about the CaitVi (or Violyn) ship!

Time will tell if my brain will have rotted through by the time this post goes up but I know at time of writing, I'm hoping for the extended scene between the two characters to be leaked somewhere for my viewing pleasure. I also don't want ANYONE looking at my YouTube history lest they see the amount of AMVs I've been watching since each Act of Season 2 came rolling through.

But I digress. This post was meant to be about all the musicals I got up to in the last two months of 2024. And to round out the year, I was able to attend Jesus Christ Superstar with Sorrengail at my side. Though she had just seen SIX: The Musical the week before with her work colleagues, it was Jesus Christ Superstar that seemed to wow her more (her words, not mine). I mean, yes, both our eardrums suffered terribly but Michael Paynter's Gethsemane was so poignant she even muttered an 'Oh Shit!' to me after he pulled off what felt like the longest note I've ever heard.

That lung capacity! The guitar riff! The saxophone solo!

Oh, if only my mother (the fervid Andrew Llyod Webber fan in the family) had been home!

Still, I have to say both Sorrengail and I had a wonderful time out at the theatre. More importantly though, I posited to her what might happen if Andrew Lloyd Webber and Nobuo Uematsu were to collaborate on a piece of music together. After all, the two of them know their classics and share a love for rock pieces. Imagine what they could conjure!

It would be the perfect blend of West and East! Tell me I'm wrong!

Of course, the question is what kind of score would they make. A musical of Final Fantasy 7?

A uniquely role-playing musical game featuring spiky-haired protagonists who are forced to go up against God? With one or two operatic pieces thrown in?

Stray Gods this will not be. Especially because I don't think Andrew Lloyd Webber would allow anyone who wasn't a trained Broadway singer to come within 3 metres of the collaboration...but I know the pieces would be appropriately grandiose with a soaring melody. And because I feel like his song-writing talents are a touch more superior to Austin Wintory (no offence. I still LOVED Stray Gods for what it was but I just want the rock opera of my dreams).

So here's to putting out an odd wish into the world and seeing if it'll ever come to fruition. And if it doesn't...well, no foul...right? A video game playing, musical appreciating and fantasy book lover blogger can only dream.

Now, if only the Beetlejuice musical would come to SYDNEY! I NEED to scream Dead Mom at the top of my lungs at someone. Least I have Hadestown.

Oh, and the Back to the Future musical in September!

[smhtaehyung]

Ugliness of Complexity ➳  (1)

THIS IS A BEAUTY OF SIMPLICITY SEQUEL

masterlist

chapter 1 : loners meet again

➳ pairing: kim taehyung x reader

➳ genre: smut, angst, comedy(?)

➳ summary: after drifting apart from Taehyung after he moved to Seoul to study art, you meet him at the worst place possible. A party. Loners attend the dreaded party once again.

➳ word count: 4,5k 

It's funny how life seems so simple when you're a teenager. Everyone thinks there's some sort of a scheme that you must go through as an adult. A fixed idea perhaps that pushes you through life by setting a task for everything - studying in a stable field, finding a job, being in a loving relationship and all the other things that make life sound not so bad.

Once that passion for a stable life fades quickly, you are left with the pleasure of being young and young only. So naturally, life after high school seemed to change. But the change depended on different factors.

The loud sound of music in the living room invited you in a pleasing manner, given you went to parties every weekend since you decided to not care about studying at university anymore. You were failing, hard. Regardless of how underwhelming your local university was, the thought of going to Seoul and fitting in your fancy pants was the last thing you wanted to do. It seemed like Taehyung managed to shift easily to that lifestyle. Honestly, seemed like it was too easy for him. 

The thing was, Taehyung stopped calling three months after he moved, so the plan of seeing him on Christmas failed along with many other plans you two had.

You hated that still, after three whole years, the thought of him left a sour taste in your mouth. The feeling of betrayal was way too real and serious for it to be ignored or pushed to the side. So, you did what you unfortunately knew well - stayed at your town, got much more bitter and disappointed with yourself, and avoided any topics about Taehyung and Seoul. Hell, you even avoided his house and family by coming home through the back door. And that habit has been going on for years.

It wouldn't be fair to say that you were failing your studies and life plans because of Taehyung, but him not reaching out anymore certainly didn't help. Everything started to go downhill once you finally reached the cursed twenties and realized all the downsides to every life plan.

So, having fun every weekend was your way to cope with failure. Not a good way to deal with issues, but you were very aware of it.

The party you were at was in your neighborhood. It was one of your friends from university who was also very displeased with the whole educational system, especially in the medical field you both were studying. Still, she was a great company for you two to rant.

"Hey, I was looking for you." Jae hugged you tightly, already quite tipsy.

"You good? I brought some weed." You joked around, giving her a compelling look.

"Oh my god, finally! I met some people from Seoul, they didn't bring any! I thought they had the good stuff!"

"What do you mean you met some people from Seoul? Isn't this your house?" You giggled drunkenly, trying to crack the code.

"A friend of mine came and brought a few friends. If I knew they didn't have anything fancy to offer, I wouldn't have let them in, ugh." She scoffed.

Jae was sometimes too direct with her thoughts, especially when drunk, but most of the time she meant no harm. Some situations with her family screwed her over in life, causing her to become a huge opportunist. You admired her way of thinking sometimes, loving that she doesn't take shit from anyone.

"Let's go smoke." You immediately spoke, taking her hand and walking to the backyard. The music wasn't as loud anymore, and some people were standing by the pool, observing the lights coming from the water. See, Jae's parents had just put a new light system in her pool, causing the water to look neon blue. The color was impeccable, the water reflecting on the entire backyard.

"This is so cool!" You sat down by the pool, still feeling tipsy.

"I know, right? So glad the summer is approaching. Ugh, I can't wait to finish this stupid year." She sat down, giving you rolling paper and already rolled filter tip.

You sat down, beginning the drunken process of rolling a joint.

"Hopefully I finish this year just so I can say I finished something." You shook your head in disappointment, mixing the weed with the tobacco.

"I know how you feel. I was thinking of enrolling to a different college actually." Jae spoke truthfully.

A bad idea - You thought, knowing Jae gives up easily on most of the things.

As Jae was rambling about her many wishes that weren't that grounded or realistic, you managed to roll a joint, lighting it up immediately.

The sharp taste made your throat close up a bit mid sentence, but you still managed to speak your mind.

"I don't know. You can always try. All I know is, I'm not going to Seoul, no way."

"Why though?"

"I told you. People become assholes."

"One people." Jae drunkenly commented.

"He's just one of many." You talked about Tae, hating he was still a topic in your life.

"Well, I'm glad I didn't met him. He sounds awfully impressionable." Jae commented. After a few puffs, you passed her the joint, observing some people that hanged around the pool.

The strong smell of weed you were smoking made a few people's instincts tingle. Especially ones who were dying for a few puffs. Especially Taehyung.

You had no idea that the "few people from Seoul" who came to the party were Taehyung and a couple of his friends from his university that Jae knew well. Taehyung was mingling with people, meeting some old friends and enjoying the small talks just so he could prove he's not the fool everyone remembers him for. He drank a little bit only to ease the pressure of coming to his neighborhood after three years. His family visited him by traveling to Seoul, but Taehyung never really wanted to return back. Yet, after a couple of years, he was still hoping to run into you, but he had no words prepared as to what to say to you. And he hated himself for it. He hated to admit it, but the big city life really got to him, completely abandoning that teenager version of him that was filled with 90% of you.

He always thought you were made for Seoul by how eloquent you spoke and talked about all your intellectual interests and wonders about life. If you were to ask Taehyung, he always thought you should've studied humanistic sciences, like psychology or anthropology.

You knocked on the bathroom door. No answer. Thinking the bathroom wasn't occupied, you entered inside, only to be shocked at the view. If you weren't still haunted by Tae, during these intoxicated moments, you might have not recognized him. But, to your luck, you recognized Taehyung sitting by the window almost immediately. Not giving yourself any time to observe how the years changed him and his style, you reacted in shock, your mouth slightly parting.

Taehyung sobered up a little, for a brief second thinking he's been tripping balls due to somebody lacing his weed. Unfortunately, this is how he met you after all those years. It seemed as if Taehyung was hiding, wanting to smoke in peace, away from his Seoul friends.

"...hey, princess." Taehyung spoke out loud, hating how casual and nostalgic that sounded.

"I-You. What are you doing here?" You barely managed to speak your mind, thinking you were going to throw up from all the tension. Taehyung didn't really know what to answer, observing your quite smaller physique and more mature sense of style.

"Can we talk?" Taehyung finally focused, realizing he's been sitting in silence for a few seconds. The music from downstairs was distracting both of you. Especially since you were still standing by the door frame, not being able to step inside.

"No." You answered harshly, not being able to control your emotions. Taehyung didn't even let his brain redirect itself to the image of you leaving, but without a thought, he stormed after you, managing to follow you through the crowd. Once again, Taehyung felt like a teenager rushing after his dream girl, joint still in hand.

You exited through the back door, finding yourself in the backyard by the illuminating blue pool. Taehyung made you quite impressed because he was already standing in front of you, trying to confront you. His dark eyes were the most striking under this light, making you stop for a moment to observe his looks. He had matured quite a lot. His style seemed much more fancy and well dressed compared to how he used to look. The beret was screaming the stereotype "pompous artist" and his shoes were more shiny than the earrings on his left ear. Around his mouth you noticed a slight stubble, a clear indication to you that he was a fully fleshed grown man. His face matured, but those dark eyes always managed to bring out empathy from you. Even in this moment.  

"Go away." You scoffed, going to the other side of the pool, away from everyone including him.

Taehyung didn't realize it, but by following you, he stepped into a trap. A trap he found himself in before. People from the other side of the pool, which you recognized from your high school, were observing the two of you, starting to gossip all over again.

"What? Go away means something different in Seoul?" You provoked in a thick accent.

Taehyung kept silent, hating that no words could sound right in that moment. He knew that whatever he said, he would just feel ashamed.

You started to notice people looking at you.

"I don't want this attention." You sat by the pool, taking a joint from his hand and lighting it up to calm your nerves.

"Don't you think we're passed that?" Taehyung spoke, immediately regretting it after seeing your reaction.

"No, because you ran away from it. I had to face all of them months, YEARS later." You emphasized, hating how provoking you sounded.

"I'm sorry. I'm-I'm trying-" Taehyung sat down a bit too close to you, making you scoot to the opposite side.

"Can we just smoke this in peace and not talk about this?" You cut him off, inhaling another smoke and passing him the joint. It sure looked like the old days, but didn't feel like it.

Taehyung nodded, happy to just be around. He was well aware of how much he fucked up after seeing you like this, and he truly hated himself for it.

The thing was, Taehyung thought, like all teenagers, that life would sort of fall into the right place without much work. Unfortunately, even though he was good with his studies, he neglected one of the most important things in his life - where he came from. He tried to disassociate from his old self, but didn't realize it left many scars.

You were sitting in silence, waiting for him to smoke faster so you could leave to prove some kind of superior role you felt the need to have over him. Objectively, it was weird seeing two ex best friends who haven't seen each other in years smoke joints in absolute silence. It was so much different than how it used to be. You were angry Taehyung was involved in most of your life. Sitting in silence by a person who saw you laugh, cry, masturbate, and was present to hear all your stupid questions. A person who took your first kiss and virginity and who decided to show you off in front of the entire school instead of hiding you. And you admired him for it, but a new found ego tripper fighting with a stubborn defensive girl he used to know was a new reality.

"You look so...small."He took a deep breath, his dull tone catching you off guard. It wss these weird comments that made you dig for Taehyung inside this man who looked awfully similar to him.

"Thanks. Ass and thighs are still here, can't get rid of them." You were showing off a little bit, hoping he'd feel bad.

"Then don't." His words made you roll your eyes. It made Taehyung break a slight smile before passing you the joint.

"I take it back, you are exactly the same, without the whole fancy coat, nice shoes get up and that god awful sterile accent." You inhaled deeply, not even noticing how quickly his smile faded.

"I find that quite offensive." He spoke more eloquently, trying to avoid an argument. You took a few puffs, passing him the joint that was almost done, saving him a few puffs. You got up without a comment.

"Are you seriously leaving now?" Taehyung was staring at you from the ground, his eyes desperate. You noticed Jae looking at you with a concerned look. It did seem as if she cracked the code.

"Hey, we had the dreaded reunion joint, nice catching up with you. See you around." You managed to spoke casually, thanking heavens you weren't sober in that moment because you knew you'd be overthinking everything hard.

It was weird to act this way in front of him, but sitting next to Taehyung after a few years made you realize how much his whole aura and persona changed, and you didn't like that one bit.

Taehyung watched you walk away, hating how casual you looked. However, he knew exactly what you were feeling.

──────────────────

Slightly hungover from the previous night, you woke up Saturday morning, hearing some louder thuds come from downstairs. Your parents were discussing some sort of a packing plan really loudly.

"God, I have to move out." You spoke out loud, always saying that same sentence every time you realized you were too old to be woken up on a hangover Saturday morning by your parents. Didn't feel as if you matured completely.

You stumbled downstairs, trying to seem as if you weren't so hungover, but your puffy face and big dark circles around your eyes were more impactful than your fake well rested act.

As soon as you entered the living room they stopped packing a small suitcase behind them.

"What are you guys doing?" Your tone did not sound impressed or positive at all.

"Well, you don't have to go with us, but I think I'd be good if you did come." Your dad tried to get straight to the point only to be cut off by your mom to explain it fully.

"Since the warm weather finally came, we're going to the beach house! We've invited Taehyung and his parents too, and I think It'd be good for you too to finally catch up...talk...straighten some issues. And, it's just a three hour drive. We'll be back by Tuesday!" Your mother tried to present her idea to you to the best of her abilities, given she was a very bright woman who had a positive outlook on life.

The thing was, you hated to imagine Taehyung being there. Growing up, the two families would always go to the beach house owned by your parents. As kids, you loved the seaside, playing around while your parents were hanging out by the terrace, drinking wine and talk for hours. As kids, you were quite often bored, which lead you to sneak around them and prank them with silly things. It was those nostalgic moments that popped into your head as your mother was talking.

"I don't know. Not in the mood to hang out with him." You poured yourself some juice, making them approach you closer to persuade you.

"Honey, it's a family trip as well. We haven't been to the seaside in a while. We'd really love you to go." Your mother spoke softly. You were very appreciative of your gentle parents, even though it was making everything harder for you. You took a few deep breaths.

"Fine. Don't expect me to avoid snide comments towards him. I'm going because of you two." Your tone made them both sigh in relief.

Little did you know, Taehyung was having almost the exact conversation with his parents over at his house, however Taehyung didn't wake up hungover.

"I don't know! She was so rude to me. I don't think it's a good idea for me to come on this trip." He was eating the breakfast with his dad, his mom hastily packing her stuff.

"Give it time! I know it's been bothering you, but I think it will play out fine. I mean, this is not your first big fight." His mother added

Exhausted by his parents trying to persuade him, Taehyung finally gave up.

"Fine. I'll go. Don't expect no awkward moments though. She won't budge at your sweetness." He scoffed a little, but just agreeing to the plan alone made them quite happy.  

──────────────────

The dreaded hour as came. It was around 9 am and your hangover wasn't getting any better. You put on your sunglasses, took a large bottle of water with you to the car and hoped for the best. Unfortunately, you met up with Taehyung and his parents. You were disappointed once you noticed his sister wasn't coming. You really felt the need to have her there. You felt like she's understand your side better.

After greeting his parents in the most welcoming way possible, you turned to Taehyung. Your parents were having small talk, accidentally leaving you alone to speak to each other

"You? Again?" Your scoffed at Tae taking a few sips of your water.

"Nice to see you too." He rested his back on the car, turning so he would face the front, not you.

"You look...hungover." He commented, making you roll your eyes.

"You look...small, you look...hungover. Your descriptions are really getting worse each second." You mocked his deep blunt voice, trying to make him feel dumb.

"Who are you? I don't even recognize you anymore." You never heard him speak in such a disappointed tone.

"Could say the same." You got into the car, not letting him say anything back to you. Your parents noticed Taehyung rolling his eyes, sighing to themselves once seeing how much you distanced away from each other.

──────────────────

After a whole day of pretending Taehyung's presence wasn't bothering you in front of your families, you finally found some quiet time. Thankfully, everyone was busy with making lunch and dinner and unpacking, so you felt as if you dodged the bullet of the first day. The first had to be the most awkward day, right?

You did catch a glimpse of Taehyung's physique every now and then. You hated how good he looked. You didn't know that Taehyung did the same. He was drooling the entire day because of you, wanting to impress you or just get you to talk to him, you didn't budge.

The dinner was the most awkward thing that happened that day. Mainly because you had to sit opposite Taehyung in complete silence while your parents were discussing something you two had no interest in. Taehyung really kept his eyes fixed on you the entire time. It made you very confused.

Finally, the after hours came. Your favorite part of the day. The moment the entire house turned silent you felt relief. You no longer didn't need to act a certain way. You no longer needed an excuse to be angry at Tae. However, feeling his presence in the house was stress inducing enough. 

You finally unpacked some of your stuff and rolled yourself a joint to smoke before dozing off to sleep. The balcony looked very beautiful under the stars reflecting the light. You walked outside, breathing in the clear air. You enjoyed the soft wind that played with your hair and your dress under your cardigan. After Taehyung left your town, you had to learn how to get high alone. Granted, it wasn't as fun anymore, but smoking and getting high alone really influenced your outlook on life. it was those thoughts that deepened your perspective on the whole situation and made you really stand up for yourself. However, you really missed smoking and just having fun, feeling dumb and young and free. Somehow, that without Tae turned into a depressing bad habit.

After a few minutes of you nervously smoking the joint on the balcony, you heard a few timid knocks. Thinking it was your parents, you tried to cover your hand by hiding it behind your back. Your sighed once you saw Taehyung opening the glass doors, his posture slouched down.

"Can't you just leave me alone?" You scoffed, turning your back to him to continue smoking.

"Actually, I can't. Your room has a balcony. I want to smoke too." He pulled a joint from his pocket.

You really wanted to suggest him to go smoke outside, but given how clumsy Taehyung was, he would've accidentally push something over and cause a ruckus either coming back to his room high, or getting down there to smoke one in the first place. So, naturally, you wanted to avoid a disaster by dealing with a smaller one.

"If we can't break the ice, let's smoke it." Taehyung tried to quote a movie, the illogical sentence making you giggle. Taehyung felt success in making you laugh.

"A Beautiful Mind? Really, you watch movies like those now?" You giggled, resting your arms on the balcony fence.

Taehyung managed to get closer to you, realizing how much he missed you in moments like these. Just the two of you under a cold breeze night at the beach, smoking and enjoying the high. He only wished for you to get softer towards him. So, as Taehyung stared at you, he tried his hardest to soften you down, hoping he wouldn't say anything wrong.

"Well, kind of over the whole phase of "let's watch Final Destination when we're high of our asses" He giggled to himself.

"Touche."

"You wanna watch something later?"

You stared at Taehyung's question, hating how smooth he sounded.

"No."

On the other side, Taehyung really hated how blunt you sounded.

"Then before you go to bed, care to share if something happened in your life while I was gone?" He whispered, catching eye contact with you.

"Wouldn't you have asked before if you really cared?" You were inhaling nervously.

"I'm sorry, I know. I was just-" He tried to make an excuse, moving closer to you.

Taehyung's mind was overwhelming him. He began the worst word vomit, not being able to stop. "I panicked. I was so overwhelmed with Seoul and I was stupid for stopping texting and calling you. I never forgot about you. I just...felt as if you were doing better now that I was gone. The texts from you too. And-and It all started feeling distant. So I felt as if it was better for me to just let you be. Away from my own foolishness. I'm just-I'm sorry for hurting you. And I missed you so much and still am, even though you're here." Taehyung spoke in a very eloquent manner, making you feel quite proud that he expanded his poor vocabulary from three years ago. You hated how much his Seoul accent showed though, loving his old accent more.

"Tae, I don't know what to tell you. I'm still mad. I think this last 24 hours have been way too overwhelming for me. I can't not be mad at you." You finished smoking, putting it out. "Just, don't you have the need to touch me, hug me?" "I don't know, it's confusing. What, you have nobody to touch so you're lonely?" Your high mind completely understood his words in a wrong way. "What? No, not in that way." He turned to look at you.

"I didn't mean-I have a crush back at Seoul, okay? I wanted to ask you if all this means something to you. Like being here, does that mean anything?" Taehyung's old way of speaking poked through, making you realize he only spoke this way when high and slightly confused.

"Wow, I am getting nostalgic with you mentioning all your crushes." You sarcastically said. Taehyung ignored your comment, hating how you never took his crushes seriously. In a way, he hated he couldn't take them seriously too, so he understood and hated himself for what you said.

On the other end, you hated he mentioned that.

"What about you?" He asked, his eyes flickering with a tint of curiosity in them. You sighed, obliging his question, giving into the conversation.

"Nobody. Got out of a relationship recently." You spoke almost immediately.

"How long?"

"Two and a half. Didn't work out in the end though." You looked down, trying not to show too much emotions in front of a young man who almost completely became a stranger to you now.

"Is it someone from the neighborhood?" Taehyung asked a question which made you gulp a little bit. You almost had a feeling as if he knew who you were talking about.

  It was the guy he hated the most at parties, certainly because of how he groped your thighs roughly and never gave a second to appreciate your soft lips. It was Hoseok. After Tae left for Seoul, you found yourself so angry and sad that you entered a relationship just to spite him, even though he had no idea and neither did Hoseok.

But soon enough, it really did turn into love, even though it took you two a whole year of an established friends with benefits relationship. He too fell for your charms, and hated when he heard how Taehyung left you all alone with no text, call or even a postcard as silly as it sounded. Hoseok's touches became softer and full of love. The parties were fun at the start too, but during your weight loss, you found yourself so insecure when Hoseok would chat with other girls that you thought were much prettier than you.

But as much fun as it was, drinking and weed became your occupation, so studying was difficult too. You knew you had to call it quits before it escalated. The drifting away from him part was the main thing that told you it was over. The flare was gone, so both of you agreed to stay friends, even though you haven't heard of him in a while. Classic.

"You remember Hoseok, right?" You asked in a manner that wasn't intended with provocation, hoping Taehyung wouldn't judge you.

"That scum? Really? How naive are you? He's such a narcissistic idiot." Taehyung's accent was filled with arrogance.

You started to feel anger creep up on you. "You have no idea how much he helped me after you left, so stop talking shit, Tae. Hobi really changed. People change after high school for good unlike some." You started walking away from him.

"Hobi." He scoffed at your endearing nickname as he watched you walk away.

"Just stop. I don't know why you're acting as if you weren't a fool in high school and as if you're better than him." You scoffed again to which he just stayed silent for a while, picking his words wisely. Taehyung followed you into the room.

"I'm sorry, I just hoped while I was gone that you were going to find someone who I thought was right for you. Please don't cut me off, I want to say a few more things." He stopped you before you even could cut him off.

"No, this is not one of those conversations we have when we'd get high. Not happening." You turned around only to look at him. Taehyung was truly standing way too close to you, his strong perfume hitting you. His lips barely parted, only to catch some air that left his lungs. He felt so tense standing this close, but that exact feeling made you both stand in silence for a couple of seconds. Number of words that could be said in that moment were scarce.

"I-I think you should leave." You stepped away from him, sitting on your bed.

"Can I ask you for a favor?" He walked towards the door.

"What?"

"Let's do this again tomorrow." He slightly smiled, leaving your room.

Fuck. - you thought to yourself.

[thatfeanorian]

2021 Fanfic Year in Review

thanks @viola-ophelia for the tag! :))

Total Completed Works: 20, WOW I didn’t even realize that that’s a little insane. And that’s not even counting the number of chapters in some of those.

Word Count: 115524. Again, that’s absolutely insane. I-- wow. I mean I’m sure there’s a huge number of people who’ve written more but compared to what I was expecting? Huge.

Fandoms I’ve Written in: S I L M A R I L L I O N. I write one thing and at least people like that. 

Looking Back, Did You Write More Fic Than You Thought You Would This Year, Less, Or About What You’d Expected? Way more. I’m very pleasantly surprised. I guess it was just a fanfic sort of year. 

What’s Your Own Favorite Story Of The Year? Ooooooh. I think it’ll have to be When Stars Sing, one of my TRSB fics. The story of a night in Himring and how Fingon and Maedhros exist together. A lot of angst, a lot of love. My artist was absolutely amazing and I adored writing this fic, plus I’m extremely happy with how it turned out. I am, however, a little disappointed by the number of people who read it, it’s a lot less than I had hoped for considering how much I love it myself, but I guess it’s all luck, isn’t it?

Do You Have Any Fanfic Goals For The New Year? Yeah, a bunch actually. I have a longfic that I’m currently working one (two actually) that I really want to finish as well as a few sequels I promised to people ( @arofili I swear I’m working on it it’ll be out soon). I feel like my quality of writing has vastly improved over the course of this year and I look forwards to being able to share my writing with y’all!

Most Popular Story Of The Year? All The Ways To Love. 37k words of Russingon arranged marriage ft bad-dad-Fëanor (I needed a villain I’m so sorry) and baby Maglor. Go check it out, if you want, I had a TON of fun writing that one.

Story Of Mine Most Under-Appreciated By The Universe, In My Opinion: Your Face, So Sweet. God this is one of my favorite fics I’ve ever written. A Modern AU in which Maedhros and Fingon decide they need something else in their life and adopt baby Gil-Galad. I feel hypocritical being like “omg it only has 200 hits” but also I honestly think this one is better than my most popular fic and I wish that more people had read it, as it’s one that’s close to my heart. 

Most Fun Story To Write: Guide You Softly Slowly Towards The Light, my other TRSB fic! This one was so sweet and light and I had an amazing time writing it. Kidnap dads always gets me like that. 

Most Unintentionally Telling Story: How Beautiful You Are To Me, a BODY DIVERSIT ELVES FIC with russingon, featuring pretty major fatshaming (completely condemned in the fic) and a whole fuck ton of love between Maedhros and Fingon. I am once again on a mission for body diverse elves and body positivity and I wrote this during ED recovery, which I guess was a coping mechanism in itself. Oops.

Biggest Disappointment: That If You’ll Still Be Mine has so few hits on it. Another fic I’m extremely proud of that I feel like hasn’t really been read. I, once again, adore this fic and I wish more people had gotten to read it, as I feel like it might actually be one of my best pieces of writing quality-wise. Go check it out if you want to!

Biggest Surprise: The amazing people who have gifted me fics this year as well as all the lovely comments I have received. Y’all are absolutely amazing and I adore every one of you. It means so much to me that you take the time to write for me and comment on my works, it keeps me inspired and confident as well as giving me (inevitably) wonderful ideas for future fics.

tagging @arofili, @maironsmaid, @findrahil, @fingons-rad-harp, & @jaz-the-bard

if any of y’all are interested I’d love to see!

[kaiparker-avengerssmut]

Our Doll 9//find a way of coping

B.Barnes x S.Rogers, B.Barnes x Stark!Reader, S.Rogers x Stark!Reader

Series Synopsis | After the events of the horrific past, y/n Stark, Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes have finally admitted their feelings for each other. But is life as an avenger whilst dating two super soldiers any easier than anything y/n’s experienced in the past?

sequel Series to Their Doll

Series Warnings | smut, violence, torture, swearing, threesomes, drug usage/substance abuse

Chapter Summary | y/n is struggling to cope after Sokovia. Someone unexpected shows up

Warnings | swearing, drug use, violence, descriptions of dead bodies

A/n | This is a sequel book/series to my fic Their Doll! This book loosely follows the mcu timeline, starting in CAWS in book one and starting just before AOU in this book. Bucky had been recovered and is safe, and Peter was taken under Tony's wing when he was much younger.

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

Y/n sighed, rolling the joint between her fingers as she sat back. Since being at the new compound, y/n had found a place to hide just past the treelike of the surrounding woods - a place that no one else had found so far.

She brought the joint to her lips, her thumb flicking it the lighter until the little flame danced, lighting the tip. She breathed in, taking a hit before lowering the joint from her mouth and breathing the smoke out. Her head rolled back, resting against the tree behind her.

Y/n let her eyes slip shut, being the joint back up and taking another hit of the weed. She could feel herself relaxing, muscles lax and stress leaving.

It was the first time in days that her mind was taken off of what she'd done, and she was relishing in it. She let the rolled up joint hang from her fingers, wrist loose as she rested her forearm on her knees, which were tucked into her chest.

"Y/n? What the fuck are you doing!?" Y/n groaned, her eyes fluttering open as she rubbed her eyes.

"Shit." She muttered, gasping when she felt Bucky's fingers curl around her jaw, tilting her head up to his as he leaned in close. He examined her reddened eyes, expression u telling of his emotions.

"Are you high?" He pushed after a moment, tone harsh, like a bite.

"No!" Y/n defended, bringing a hand up and slapping Bucky's arm away from her. She stood up, rolling her eyes at Bucky as he glared at her. "You interrupted me before I could get that far." She mumbled under her breath, and Bucky scoffed, placing his hands on his hip.

"Come on, doll. I okay ow you're struggling right now...but drugs? Seriously? I thought you were better than this." Bucky dismissed, shaking his head disapprovingly.

"Well I'm so sorry to disappoint you, asshole! You're not the one that killed a bunch of innocent people, Buck!" Y/n raised her voice, throwing her hands in the air. Bucky tilted his head with a frustrated look, pacing towards y/n so quickly that she backed up into the tree. Y/n let out a small oomph as her back collided with the bark, Bucky's body pressed against hers.

"I didn't kill a bunch of innocent people, hm? Did you forget who you're talking to, y/n? I'm the goddamn poster boy for killing innocents, doll!" Bucky shouted, his spit spraying her face as the veins in his neck and forehead protruded, face red. "But it doesn't mean I resorted to drugs, y/n! That shit messes you up, it's fuckin' dangerous!"

"At least you weren't lucid when you killed them." Y/n shot back in a barely audible mumble that had Bucky scoffing with a short, humourless laugh.

"Wasn't lucid? Doesn't make it any fuckin' better, y/n! I still killed them!" Bucky exclaimed, eyes wide as he pushed away from her. He sighed deeply, but y/n stayed in place, breathing heavy.

"Look, I'm sorry for shouting, okay? But jus- just please promise me you won't use that stuff again? I don't want you hurting yourself with that shit." Bucky said calmly now, a soft plea in his eyes that made y/n instinctively nod.

"I won't. I promise." Y/n murmured, and Bucky sighed again, throwing his arms out to the side. Y/n rushed forwards, leaping into his arms so hard that Bucky took a few steps back, encasing the girl into his warm embrace.

"I've got you doll, I've got you. You're okay." He mumbled, his nose buried in y/n's hair as he spoke.

...

The second I entered the room, I was spinning on my heal to leave again. Steve's hand wrapping a round my bicep stopped me in my tracks though, his face levelling with mine.

"Doll, please." He murmured, blue eyes soft. I rolled my eyes, but straightened up and turned around anyway. A fake smile occupied my lips as I crossed my arms over my test, tilting my head with a hum. Tony rolled his eyes, placing his hands on his hips and Sharon stepped forward, extending a hand.

"Hi, I'm Sharon Carter. I'm here to assistant with your training and trying to keep your powers under control." She said with a pitiful look. I eyes her hand but never took it, instead looking over the woman's shoulder at Tony.

"Her? Really? What's she gonna do; be some pointless victim for me?" I scoffed and my dad threw me a glare. I could practically feel the awkwardness radiating between Steve and Sharon, Steve's Adam's apple bobbing furiously as he swallowed thickly. Sharon's eyes darted between the two of us, skittish and almost scared; like I would hurt her if she looked at him too long.

"Y/n speak friendlier." Tony barked through gritted teeth, the embarrassment he felt clear in his tone. I scoffed again, letting my eyes roll obnoxiously.

"No, Mr Stark, it's okay." Sharon waved off, a tight smile that didn't quite reach her eyes spreading across her pink lips. "I know we got off on the, uh, wrong foot," she cleared her throat and I scoffed. "But I hope we can...start over. I think we could be good friends."

"Yeah, sure." I said nonchalantly, shaking my head and hitting my hip out.

"Y/n," Steve said, tone a little too harsh, "please, just give her a chance. She knows what's she's doing." That comment had my turning to face the super soldier, brow quirked.

"Oh yeah, Steve? I'm sure she really knew what she was doing when she fucked you. Did she bounce on it real good?" I mocked, but my words were no where near playful. Steve cleared his throat, avoiding my gaze as he spoke.

"Come on, y/n, that's not fair. We were broken up!" Steve exclaimed with a frown. Y/n just glared at him, a silence ensuing. After a moment Tony clapped his hands together turning to Sharon.

"Should I show you to your room?" He inquired and the blonde woman tilted her head in a smile.

"I think that's a great idea." As they walked out of the room, Sharon took one last glance at steve before the thud of the door was signalling their exit.

And that was it for y/n.

"Why were you looking at her?" Y/n mumbled, looking up at Steve, whose eyes were still trained on the door. The man smirked, baby blue eyes darting down to meet with y/n's as his pearly-white teeth flashed.

"You're jealous." He gloated, and y/n smacked his chest.

"Of course I'm fuckin' jealous! Why wouldn't I be?" Y/n snapped, and Steve drew the squirming girl into his arms.

"You have nothing to worry about. I was just..lost in thought, I guess." Steve sighed, placing a kiss into y/n's hair as she settled into his embrace. "Just try not to kill Sharon while she's helping you train, I'd never forgive myself." Steve mumbled and y/n giggled against his broad chest.

"I can't make any promises." She murmured back. Steve chest vibrates in a mumble as he chuckled, another kiss being dropped into her hair.

...

The last person I expected to show up was Peter. I hadn't spoken to him much since the night of the party, and I fully intended on walking straight passes him. But the stupid teenager had other plans.

I was already frustrated, on edge; Sharon had just finished my first training session and all I could think about the whole time were her fair hands all over steve, her perfectly pink lips on his, her naked body pressed to his-

I shook the thoughts off, blinking a couple times before looking up at Peter again.

"Can we talk?" The boy mumbled, eyes pleading as he looked hopefully at me. I sighed, heavy and long, before giving him a small nod. My day couldn't really get any worse anyway, so what was the harm in indulging him?

He led me to one of the common rooms, which was empty and barely even looked like it had been decorated yet. The sides were empty as well as the walls, a simple sofa sat in the middle of a lonely room. Peter led me over to it, the cushions dipping as we both perched on the seat.

"I wanted to apologise." Peter said after a moment, head hanging as he broke the awkward silence. I gulped, swallowing thickly at his words. "I wanted to apologise for how much of a dick I was. Before." He said he didn't receive a reply from me.

"Okay." I mumbled, fidgeting with the hem of my shirt. "Why?"

"Because it wasn't fair, how we rested you. How he treated you. How I treated you." Peter spoke with a tight, barely-there, smile. "I know I didn't do much, but I'm staring to thick that was the problem. I could feel done something; included you, talked to Mr Stark." Peter continued.

My fists clenched and unclenches at the memories, my jaw tightening as I listened to him speak. I could feel that bubbling urge, rising so high to the surface I was struggling to shove it back down again.

"Peter." I said sharply, harshly. The boy frowned, trying to look at me but my head was turned away. "Peter, I need to you leave. Get out of the room. Now." I grated through gritted teeth, closing my eyes tightly and willing the urges down. "Please." My voice cracked and Peter slowly stood, hands out in surrender as he babbled, confused. "Now!" I growled, but it was too late.

I opened my eyes to see the brown-haired boy crouched in the floor, hands grasping his head as he groaned in pain.

"Y/n...please...stop...you're hurting...me!" Peter stammered, words wheezed out through the pain as a scream clutched his throat. I gasped, I think. But the rage was burning; a horrid, contagious feeling that ate me from the inside out. "Y/n, please!" He screamed, falling forwards so his forehead resting against the floor.

I was vaguely aware of the click of the door opening, then slamming closed as footsteps piled into the room. Frantic worries as Tony crouched over Peter; barking orders into the room.

A softly murmured  'm'sorry' before a sharp pain in my head, vision knocked out as my body fell limply against the sordid wall of muscle besides me.

Taglists

Steve Rogers Series/mini Series | @buckysgirl101 @quxxnxfhxll @macylawz @zaphdekota @bval-1

Bucky Barnes Series/mini Series | @buckysgirl101 @quxxnxfhxll @marvelhoesworld @macylawz @zaphdekota

Steve Rogers One-shot, Drabbles and Headcannons | @buckysgirl101 @quxxnxfhxll @marvelhoesworld @macylawz @zaphdekota @bval-1 @anakinsslag

Bucky Barnes One-shot, Drabbles and Headcannons | @buckysgirl101 @quxxnxfhxll @macylawz @zaphdekota @anakinsslag

Join my taglist now!

If your name is crossed out, it means I couldn’t tag you!

[hawkland]

Destiel fic recs (round #4) + commentary

Time for another (mostly) Destiel fic rec round-up post before my bookmarks get out of control! This one’s a mix of longer and some shorter fics (or series thereof), no particular theme except I guess a lot of angst, hurting Cas, and all the other things that tickle my Id. Several Season 9 human!Cas divergence fics, plus some later season angst-fests and rewrites.

In the Shadow of your Wings by Enochian Things (Salr323) (52k) The first of two fics by this author which I absolutely fell in love with! Canon-divergence from the end of Season 11. Cas finds himself blasted to Naples, Italy by the banishing sigil in the bunker and he stumbles — almost literally — into a sexy, delightful Italian Man of Letters, Luca. When he makes his way back to the bunker and finds Dean still alive, he tries to confess his feelings but Dean panics and shuts him down. Cas goes back in Italy soon thereafter and ends up beginning a relationship with Luca, much to Dean’s chagrin. Meanwhile Sam is still missing and it turns out there may be some dangerous individuals who are out for Cas more so than even the Winchesters. 

I loved everything about this fic so much - Luca is an amazing OC, the Naples and London locations are wonderfully evoked and took me straight back to places I’d been. The angst, the pacing, the plotting and the eventual Dean/Cas getting together are all amazing and this is definitely on my re-read in the future list.

The rest of my recs below the cut!

My heart is beating from me by Enochian Things (Salr323) (55k) The other fic by this author that I literally inhaled in one day! Season 9 Human!Cas canon divergence. It’s been months since Sam and Dean have heard from Cas, and when they do, it’s in the form of a wedding invitation. Cas is getting married to Daphne - the woman who “rescued” him and named him Emmanuel when he’d lost all his memories post-Leviathans. It seems Cas went back to her while on his own and they’ve rekindled their relationship...whatever it is. Dean just knows something isn’t right about her, so he sets out to investigate and try to figure out WTF Cas is doing before it’s too late. 

This story is so, so good! The case Dean gets Cas to come along on is unique and provides a neat investigation subplot, but what’s so especially wonderful is the explanation the author gives of who Daphne really is — and why she’d been so cool about just having a strange man with no memories move in to be her “husband” (and then want to marry him for real a couple years later, after he’d vanished from her life!) In fact it’s so brilliant I’m basically accepting it as my Daphne headcanon from now on and I don’t want to spoil it. The fic is also great in exploring Cas still struggling with understanding human emotions, customs and etiquette, Sam is A Very Good Friend, and Dean is, well, Dean. (I’m just sad this author hasn’t written more SPN fics because what they have is just brilliant.)

The wilderness. by orange_crushed (8k) Wonderful, shorter Season 9 canon divergence fic by an author who consistently makes me happy. Human!Cas leaves the bunker with a few things to get off the ground from Dean and directions to connect with Garth...but he ditches that plan to try to find his way on his own. It’s wonderfully detailed about the basic struggles of survival, finding work, making ends meet and trying to make some new friends...and why it’s important for him to prove he can make it on his own before he’s willing to welcome Dean (back) into his life.

I Through My Window See by deHavilland (26k) This is an interesting one, written well before we had canon human!Cas in Season 9. Canon-divergence in which Cas remains human after they avert the apocalypse in Season 5. Sam and Dean set him up in an apartment in Sioux Falls and then...just kind of abandon him there. He spends most of a year just barely existing before a visit from Sam finally stirs him out of his inertia and depression, to eventually get a job and also start hunting on his own. This is an interesting read, if just to see an author exploring the idea of human!Cas abandoned by Dean a few years before it actually...ended up becoming canon! I love how Cas is written in this (it’s a story much like the next one on my list that I thought does an amazing, realistic job of capturing what depression feels like), but I do have some issues with Dean. It’s never fully resolved or explained why Dean was being such an ass so I honestly wasn’t totally sold on the ending - I wanted some more out of Dean, some more explanation or apology or something. It’s a story that would have been great to have a sequel from Dean’s POV but after all this time, that will just have to exist in my brain, I suppose! Still worth a read because it’s excellently written, Cas becomes totally bad ass again by the end and it’s always fun to read early SPN fic speculating on future developments.

I Shall Not Want by domesticadventures (20k) I found myself inhaling a bunch of wonderful short ficlets by this author the other day, but this is the one I had to stop at to rec. It’s another Season 9 divergence fic, of a sort - Cas is newly human, for the sake of the story there’s no Abbadon to worry about, Sam is healed...and Sam wants to move out and get on with his own life. Cas and Dean are both struggling with adapting to their new lives and it’s a hauntingly rich and stark portrayal of depression, inertia, and the slow healing process of accepting and adapting to change. I also liked that this story gives us a Dean who is a little more aware of his feelings for Cas and they both struggle to reach out to each other - for once it’s not sexuality causing a crisis of identity but all the other shit they are coping with.

Don't Sing Love Songs by ireallydidthistomyself (17k). I’m not normally a big fan of baby/toddler!Jack fics - I like the angst that he was forced to grow up too quickly, and in general I’m not big on kid!fic in fandom. This author’s work is a big exception to that. They’ve written several stories along a similar theme: Cas raising Jack on his own/in secret for years, Dean only finding them or coming back into their lives later on. But this is the version of that idea that really packed the most punch for me and was incredibly emotionally satisfying. Dean finds Cas after 6 years, where he’s kept Jack mostly isolated and safe from the world. But with Dean allowed back into his life, Cas may be inviting grave danger upon Jack as well. This one ripped my heart out but managed to make it all better by the end.

Better Ways to Kill Our Time by always_a_birthday_girl (8k) I don’t know why I torture myself reading Dean-in-the-Ma’lak-box AUs, but I do. I think because it’s pretty much my biggest nightmare/horror and for some reason it’s cathartic while terrifying? Anyway here’s one where Dean goes through with his plan, Cas crashes and burns for most of a year, until Dean finally starts doing what he promised he wouldn’t: praying to him. Cas figures out a way to communicate back and over the distance, they manage to have certain conversations they should have years before. It’s painful but lovely and there is a happy ending, so it’s well worth the read!

Time Flows Like Water and We're Drowning by triedunture (7.9k) A little break from the later-seasons stuff I (mostly?) read, featuring a seriously hot (but angsty) Cas/Endverse!Cas/Dean threesome. When Zacariah’s plan to show Dean the future doesn’t change his mind about taking on his “responsibility”, he sends Endverse!Cas back in time to try to convince Cas instead, showing him what he’s to become. I don’t think Zac expected it to turn into a threesome, but it’s hot and beautiful and sad and wonderful all at once. 

hachikireru by vaudelin  (23k) At one point I went on a wallow-fest of reading a bunch of sad 14x20-15x03 divorce-arc fics. Just to hurt myself more, I guess. I know this fic’s been recced around a lot (at least on fail_fandomanon) and I can see why! After leaving the bunker, Cas ends up in Sioux Falls to visit Claire. She’s busy tracking down leads to find Kaia’s killer and he decides to go along with her on one such hunt. But what they find is an unexpected supernatural threat targeting those with broken hearts. Well. I think you know where that might be leading. This is a wonderful casefic with lots of character moments between Cas & Claire and then Cas & Dean, working through their pain and angst and just...it’s a very satisfying read.

Moriah Codas: A Trilogy by Toomanyfandoms99 (11k total) A series of 3 shorter fics spinning off the events of 14x20, developing a slightly divergent universe the author’s written where Cas does have his wings back and has helped resurrect a few of the angels (Balthazar, Gabriel, and Samandriel in particular). This series is absolutely heartbreaking — Cas is completely broken by Jack’s loss, has “fallen out of love” with Dean after he was ready to kill Jack, and sees no way back to what he’d had and felt before. He’s determined to just let the Empty take him...but not until he and his assembled squad of “avenging angels” clean up the mess Chuck has created, smiting zombies and taking out super-powered monsters across North America. 

Cas’s motorcycle gang/angel squad is so fucking awesome (I want a happy fic where they do this!) and this is BAMF!Cas at his finest. I just have to include a quote:

He set down the empty glass, and Gabriel said, “well, dearly beloved, we have gathered here today to kick some zombie ass. Since they have chosen to amass in Carthage, we are here to take out as many as we can without causing this town to flip the fuck out. Are we in agreement?”

“I expect,” Balthazar grinned, “a full-on bar brawl. Do not disappoint me.”

“Cassie, Driel,” Gabriel addressed the duo, “how are we with weapons?”

“I have enough machetes in a storage facility uptown to film a Jackie Chan movie,” Castiel said.

But it’s also utterly and completely heartbreaking, so don’t read this one if you need a happy ending. If you do read, check out the author’s other later-season coda fics and fic series as they are all really great.

to mend what is not broken by gothyringwald (2.6k) This last short one I’ve mentioned before, but I just have to rec it again! It was my gift for the 2021 Hurt Comfort Gift Exchange and it’s everything I wanted, and more. Sweet and caring Dean, wounded but still prideful Cas, and some lovely wing!kink/wing!care that pushes all of my button just right.

Anyway, that’s it for now as I think this is long enough. If you enjoy my recs, could you let me know? I try to not just list titles but give some commentary...as it helps me re-find stories I enjoyed the most, too!

[oliviermiraarmstrongs]

mid-year book freak out tag

thank you @bloody-wonder for giving me an excuse to share my book thoughts!

1. Best Book You’ve Read So Far in 2021?

It’s gotta be The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood; I hear “feminist period novel about mentally ill woman unable to cope in upper-class society” and I am THERE! It’s like [Stefon voice] This book has EVERYTHING: repressed women, a decaying old house, a complex relationship of two sisters, a pulpy sci-fi story-within-a-story-within-a-story, criticism of capitalism and reactionary attitudes and politics, commentary on how conservative society shuns those it perceives to be “other” and a threat to the social order (poor people, socialists, “unconventional” women). It is EXTREMELY my shit.

2. Best Sequel You’ve Read So Far in 2021?

The only one I've read is Siege and Storm, so Siege and Storm! Shadow and Bone was captivating, if a little simplistic, but the sequel really fleshes out the characters, setting, and themes. It’s great to see Alina take a more active role, and I love the exploration of sainthood. 

3. New Release You Haven’t Read Yet, But Want To?

I’m really curious about Michelle Zauner’s memoir Crying in H Mart. Same with Axiom’s End, which I haven’t really been seeking out, but it’s been resting on my list since I like a lot of Lindsay Ellis’ stuff.

4. Most Anticipated Release For Second Half of 2021?

5. Biggest Disappointment?

The Penelopiad by Margaret Atwood. I’ve been getting into Atwood, and I have a soft spot for female-centric retellings of myths, so this was on my list for a long time. It’s not bad; it’s decent as a character study and offers some good perspective on the hanged slave women from The Odyssey, but overall it came off as...bitter? And not in a good way. It’s reasonable to include commentary on how bad things were for women in ancient times, but after a while I’m just like “But there had to be a time when Penelope was happy, right?” But the biggest failing has to be the treatment of Helen. Why a story focused on bringing literary justice to silenced women also characterizes Helen of Troy as a manipulative, arrogant bitch who single-handedly ignited the Trojan War because she enjoys fucking people over, I’ll never know. Ironic that in the opening chapter, Penelope bemoans being used as a yardstick with which to judge other women, and then the book proceeds to do exactly that with her and Helen. Can’t let Penelope have a positive relationship with another woman! There could be some form of unreliable narrator at play, but there’s not much indication that that’s the case here. Even Homer had a more nuanced portrayal of Helen than this!

6. Biggest Surprise?

I suppose The Red Tent. I picked it up at a Goodwill because of my aforementioned interest in female-centric retellings. It’s not amazing, but I wasn’t really expecting it to emotionally affect me like it did. You spend so much time setting up Dinah’s family and this supportive community of woman within a patriarchal society, only to have Dinah abandon it all after getting betrayed by her father and (most of) her brothers. Hearing about how her family fell apart after she left and she never got to see her mothers again really gets to me. The book has flaws for sure - neither of Dinah’s romances are developed very well, and some of its themes can come off as gender essentialist - but I think it’s a nice exploration of female labor and traditions that too often get ignored.

7. Favorite New Author?

The only relatively new author I’ve been reading is Leigh Bardugo, soooooo... honestly I don’t know what I can say that hasn’t already been said, I got into the series pretty late. Great world-building, witty dialogue, a familiar type of story with enough interesting ideas to make it feel fresh. Check out Shadow and Bone if you get the chance. Sound of the summer.

8. Newest Fictional Crush?

You would think it would be Nikolai Lantsov since I just finished reading Siege and Storm and he seems to be the fan favorite... but nah, not yet. He’s fun, but he doesn’t hit me in that way (Though very sexy of him to just casually proposition Alina and Mal for a royal polycule, a la Arthur/Guinevere/Lancelot; would love an AU where they accept his offer). However, I would let Zoya murder me. Every time Zoya is not in a scene I am asking “Where’s Zoya?” Also shout out to Alina, just because I would treat her better than all the men in her life! 

9. Newest Favorite Character?

Gonna try to do this without spoiling too much, but Laura Chase in The Blind Assassin really resonated with me. Her personality reminds me a lot of myself, especially as an an autistic person, like the way she has her own way of thinking that makes perfect sense to her, but makes other people see her as odd and naive. I love how she’s set up in-universe as this Sylvia Plath-esque tragic heroine, with Iris spending the rest of the book interrogating and deconstructing, and in a way, reconstructing this image of her. Atwood you’re insane for this. I forgive you for the Helen thing now.

10. Book That Made You Cry?

I never got as far as crying, but the part in The Goldfinch where [spoilers incoming] the art heist goes wrong and Theo is alone in the hotel room and he’s spiraling and considering suicide and finally dreams of his mom… all that was too much for me and I had to put the book down for the night. This guy just can’t catch a fucking break.

11. Book That Made You Happy?

fucidjdjdj I didn’t read any happy books this year. Shadow and Bone and Siege and Storm because I read them really fast unlike my usual months-long reading schedule.

12. Favorite Book Adaptation You Saw?

Predictably, Shadow and Bone. I basically bought and read the book less than a week before the show came out because I thought it looked interesting and wanted in on the hype (mostly because Jessie is cute 🥰). Honestly, the show improves a lot on the first book; the multiple storylines make it more dynamic and complex, the actors really help to make the characters feel more fleshed out, and Alina and Inej interacted for like three scenes, introducing an unexpected but thematically rich ship.

13. Favorite Review You’ve Written This Year?

14. Most Beautiful Book You’ve Bought So Far This Year?

I impulse-bought this book of Romantic poetry at Barnes and Noble just because it was pretty and I had a gift card

15. What Books Do You Need To Read By The End Of The Year?

Besides finishing The Grisha Trilogy/Six of Crows duology/Zoya’s duology that I forgot the name of….I don’t know. I’m not a reader that plans in advance. I acquire books, finish whatever I’m currently reading, look through my stacks deciding what to read next, spend an hour doing so because I can’t decide if I’m in the mood for any of them, and either force myself to read one or buy/borrow a new one.

I’m tagging @betweenironyandsilver, @illuminaticns, @borispavlikovskys, @chdarling, @sctine, @mightyaubs, @excuseforadrink, and @trckstergods, if you wanna! Or anyone who wants to yell about books.

[rmtndew]

Begin Again

Summary: Walter Marshall is a dedicated homicide detective doing his best to balance his work life with being a single father to a teenage girl. Fiona Sparks is a woman doing her best to take care of everyone and everything around her, except for herself. Neither has had the best luck with relationships, but once they meet, they’re willing to give it another shot, this time with each other. (It’s basically just romantic fluff) 

Pairing: Marshall and OFC.

Rating: PG

Warnings: Mentions of death, cancer.

A/N - This is a sequel to ‘All I’ve Ever Known’. I started writing this because I needed an escape for some personal stuff going on and my coping mechanism included giving Marshall all the love that man needed, and imagining him being the softest boyfriend to me, then passing those details on to Fiona (my OFC).

I also made a Spotify playlist for this story, if anyone is interested - Begin Again Playlist 

 Tag list - @hollydaisy23, @alyxkbrl, @onlyhenrys, @omgkatinka, @speakerforthedead0​, @gearhead66,  @thethirstyarchive, @oddsnendsfanfics, @littlerinoa, @agniavateira, @aaescritora, @justaboringadult, @beenthroughalot, @seriouslygoodlookinggents,  @xxxkatxo

If you want to be added/removed from the tag list, let me know!

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7

The last Wednesday in October was a gray, misty, windy day. It was cold, the kind you felt more in your bones than anywhere else, with the sky occasionally spitting out sleet. I spent the entire twenty-minute drive to my job at Waverly Catering clutching the steering wheel so tightly that my hands were cramping by the time I arrived from white-knuckling it the whole way there. Usually, I would get to work early enough to enjoy the silence and finish off my coffee before officially starting my workday. That day, however, I spent the very little extra time I had trying to get my hands to stop hurting, then chugged down my coffee that had cooled dramatically to a gross lukewarm temperature. 

Before going in, I checked my phone. I always kept it on silent while I drove. My mom had a tendency to text me, make a dozen spelling mistakes because of auto-correct, then correct them one by one, leaving me with about thirteen separate texts to read. It didn’t use to bother me, I thought it was charming and very distinctly Mom. But when she’d gotten sick at the beginning of the year, every text she sent that I couldn’t read immediately made me panic, worrying that something terrible had happened to her, even when I’d just seen her at home a few minutes before. So for my sanity - and hers - I started putting my phone on silent until I got to work, or wherever else I was going. It was a habit I’d kept even after she’d gone into remission because her cancer may have been gone, but my anxiety over her wasn’t. 

That morning when I checked my phone, I saw that I had two texts, but they weren’t from Mom. 

Marshall:  Good morning, Fi. I hope that I get to see you today. I’ll be chained to  my desk with paperwork for a while. This is the first time I’ve not dreaded it. You’re my silver lining.

That was cheesy. I’m sorry. I’m bad at this.

And just like that, all of my stress melted away. The weather didn’t matter, my disappointing coffee didn’t matter, even the cramping in my hands didn’t matter. All that did matter was that Walter Marshall thought of me as his silver lining. Yes it was early days, yes we’d barely known each other a month, yes we’d only gone on two dates, but he made me happier than I’d been in a long time. I felt like I’d been holding my breath for two years, starting when my dad had died in a car crash, followed by my boyfriend Ezra breaking up with me, then losing my job as an interior designer, and capping off with my mom’s cancer diagnoses. Then Walter came along and it was like I could finally breathe again. 

Me:  Please don’t apologize. You have no idea how much I needed to read that this morning. Feel free to be as  cheesy as you want. And I hope I get to see you today, too, even if it  means you’re chained to your desk.

Marshall:  If I don’t see you for some reason,  can I call you tonight? I miss your  voice and you make me want to get better at this talking thing. 

I could feel myself blushing. Even over the phone he made me feel like a teenager with a crush. I had no idea that anyone could make me feel that way as an adult, but he did every time he texted me. 

Me:  Of course you can. Even if we do see  each other, you can still call, if you want? Practice makes perfect, and all that.

Marshall: I’d like that. Talk to you soon.

I sat back in my seat with a sigh as I looked out at the sleet falling from the gray sky, spattering my windshield, blurring out the image of the trees in the park across from me blowing and bending in the wind. 

It was going to be a good day. 

“You look...dare I say it? Happy?” Darcy said as I walked into her office.

I smiled. “You may dare to say it because yes, I am quite happy.”

“And what brings you to such an extreme emotion so early on such a disgusting day?”

I went to her desk and sat in the chair opposite her. “Well, for one, I know that you’re about to do me a big favor that I will forever be grateful for.”

“Fiona Sparks asking for a favor? I’ll mark the day in my calendar,” she joked. “What kind of favor do you need?”

“I need a copy of the peanut butter cookie recipe.”

“For what purpose?” 

“See, that’s where the happiness part comes into play and you, being one of my dearest friends, would love to see me happy.” 

“I would but I’m unsure how a cookie recipe is going to do that.”

“It’s not for me,” I said, smiling wide. “I met this guy -” 

“What? Who?” she asked enthusiastically, her eyes wide with excitement.

“His name is Walter Marshall. He’s our detective who never changes his lunch order.”

“You’re dating one of the homicide detectives? You can feel free to thank me later for giving you that order, by the way. But right now I want details: How long have you been dating and why am I just now finding out about it?”

“We’re not technically dating. I met him a few weeks ago for the first time and we went on two dates last week.” 

“You haven’t dated anyone in over two years, and then you go on two dates in one week?”

“Well, the first was just a coffee date. Saturday we tried having a proper one.” 

“Tried?” she asked, raising her eyebrow. 

“He wanted to take me to dinner, so we went to an Italian place, but before we could order, his daughter called. She was supposed to be at a Halloween party, but some of her friends had lied to her, I guess, and it ended up being a basement party with slightly older boys and she felt uncomfortable, so we went and picked her up. Then we all went for pizza together.”

“He has a daughter, which is some heavy baggage to begin with, but you met her on your second date? That’s a lot, Fiona.” 

“I know it seems like it, but it’s really not. She’s a good kid. And he’s an amazing father, which, oddly, just makes him more attractive,” I said. “But that’s not the point. The point is that his daughter was, understandably, a little iffy about me being with him when he picked her up until she found out that I’m the one who brings the cookies. She apparently loves them and I told her that I might be able to get her a copy of the recipe and that seemed to pave the way for her not hating me instantly. And she’s thirteen, so that’s a pretty big deal.”

“I have so many questions right now but I can’t sort them all out so I’m going to be annoying you with them all day, just be prepared for that. All I want to know right now is if you want the recipe laminated or not?” 

I let out a relieved breath. “Yes, please, if you don’t mind. And thank you so much, Darcy. You have no idea how much this means to me.”

“I do know. You never ask for anything, even simple things, so the fact that you’re willing to ask me for a favor means this is a pretty big deal,” she said. “He must be a good guy.”

I nodded. “He really is.” 

I arrived at the police station that morning a little before eleven. I’d left the shop early, worried the weather might get bad again and didn’t want to be late for my delivery. Thankfully the sleeting had stopped, allowing me to get there a few minutes early. A few minutes that I used up trying to pull my dolly through the parking lot. The lot had been salted, which was good in that at least it wasn’t icy, but the wheels on my dolly didn’t seem to like the brine mixture. They kept locking up on me. Between that and having to fight against the roaring wind, it took me an embarrassingly long time to reach the station door. Before I could push it open, someone opened it from the inside for me. I looked up, expecting to see Officer Bates. He was the security officer that was posted downstairs and always went through the containers full of lunches that I brought to the homicide unit every week. Instead, I saw Marshall.

“Hello,” he said with a smile. 

I immediately felt like giggling. The last time I’d seen him, we’d kissed. And seeing him right then, seeing his beautiful, handsome face, I wanted so badly to kiss him again. Instead, I felt myself grow shy as I blushed so fiercely that my cheeks stung with the new heat that rushed to them. 

“Hi,” I said. He pulled the door open all the way, then stepped back, allowing me to walk in. My stomach fluttered as I looked back at him. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” He closed the door behind me. “May I help you with your cart?”

“No, it’s okay.”

“Would you let me help you take it back to your car when you leave, at least?”

I fought every instinct inside of me that insisted I say no. Darcy was right: I hated asking for even simple things. I never wanted to burden anyone. But since I’d met Marshall, I’d learned that his way of showing interest or affection was to do things for me. But he always asked first, wanting my permission. It challenged me, but in a good way. I didn’t need to always go it alone if I didn’t have to. 

“Um, yeah, I’d appreciate that. Thank you,” I said. “The wheels didn’t seem to agree with the salted parking lot. You could probably pull it a lot easier than me.” 

Marshall stayed with me as Officer Bates went through the containers I’d brought in. He wasn’t close enough to make anyone passing by question it, but it was close enough that my hand hanging at my side could feel the heat coming from his hand and forearm, that was visible from the blue henley that was pushed up to his elbows in a way that I found incredibly attractive. My fingers itched to seek out his, but I fought it. Keeping them obediently beside me. Once Officer Bates was done and gave me the all clear to take the food up, Walter walked me to the elevator and pressed the button to call it down. Then he held the door back, letting me in first before following me. After the door slid closed, he fell back half a step, putting him right beside me. His hand bumped mine, his fingers snaking through, gently holding mine. I smiled, knowing I wasn’t the only one itching for contact. 

I turned without a thought and placed a kiss on his shoulder. Then I paused, a moment of panic rising in me that maybe we weren’t at that level yet. But before I could move or feel too worried, he placed a kiss on the top of my head.

“I keep thinking about Saturday,” he whispered. 

“Me, too,” I said. I looked up at him. “It was...pretty amazing.”

He smiled. I could see his sharp canine teeth. They were oddly charming. “Yes, it was.” He laced his fingers with mine more securely, properly holding it. “I know I mentioned calling you tonight, but I hoped that we might have dinner again instead. If you’re not busy?”

“I’m exceptionally not busy tonight.”

“Good.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead before turning his head back to face the elevator door. “I won’t be able to finish all my paperwork today, there’s too much and it keeps multiplying like rabbits, so since I have to do it tomorrow anyway, I’m going to knock off here around five. Could I pick you up after that? Around five-thirty, perhaps?” 

I nodded, smiling. “That sounds great.”

The elevator dinged as we reached the homicide unit floor. He gave my hand a couple of gentle squeezes before letting it go as the door slid open. He stepped out, then held the door for me like he had before, letting me pull my cart out. He walked with me almost all the way to the break room before a shorter man with glasses stopped him. 

“Lieutenant Marshall, can I speak with you in your office for a moment?” he asked. 

“Of course.” Walter touched my shoulder. “Excuse me,” he said to me quietly before leaving for his office. 

I continued on and was met by most of the detectives waiting for me. Like usual, they didn’t talk to me much, just thanking me for the food before taking their box and going. I took my time, hoping that by the time that I was done, the man speaking with Walter would be gone before I brought him his lunch. When I was done, I packed up my cart before taking Marshall’s boxed lunch and walked down the hall, finding the door to his office open. I could hear him talking still and wasn’t sure what to do. I’d made a deal with him a few weeks back to always bring his lunch to his office whenever I delivered - the first time was because a uniformed officer looked like he was going to swipe it, after that, it was to thank him for rescuing me from a pushy creep while I was with my ‘friends’. We’d never discussed if I should interrupt while he was working. I chewed my lip, debating what to do for several seconds before deciding to just take a chance and knock on the door frame. The worst case scenario was that I looked like a very dedicated delivery woman making sure that all of my orders reached their proper owners. 

“Yep. Come in,” Walter called out in response to my knocking.

I entered his office only far enough to be seen and not a step further. I didn’t know if Marshall wanted people to know about us, so I was prepared to make a quick exit if I needed to. “I have a delivery for Detective Marshall,” I said. 

He looked at me and smiled, then waved me in further. “Harper, this is Fiona Sparks. Fiona, this is Commissioner Harper.”

“Hi. It’s nice to meet you, sir,” I said. 

“You, too.” He looked at me over the top of his glasses. “You don’t happen to be related to Rodger Sparks, by any chance?” 

I felt speechless for a moment. I hadn’t heard anyone other than Mom say Dad’s name in months. Finally, I forced myself to nod. “Yes. He was my dad. How - how did you know?” 

“We went to college together. You’re the spitting image of him,” he said. “I was sorry to hear about him passing away. I lost my wife around two years ago as well. A brain aneurysm.” He shook his head. “It doesn’t get any easier.” 

“No, it doesn’t,” I agreed.

He looked at me for a moment longer, then back to Marshall, who was standing patiently with his hands clasped behind his back. He looked back at me briefly before taking the folder he was holding and tapped it against Marshall’s shoulder. “You know what? This can wait until tomorrow,” he said. “I’ll bring it by in the morning.” He left Walter and stopped beside me before leaving the office. “I’m very sorry about your father. Rodger was a horrible sport when he lost at cards, but other than that, he was a great guy. And probably the smartest man I ever met.”

I smiled slightly. “He was a horrible sport at cards.” 

He smiled back. “The worst.” He gave me a wink. “It was a pleasure seeing you.” 

“You, too.”

When he left, he closed the door behind him. I looked at Marshall as he walked towards me. “Did I interrupt something important?” I asked. 

“No. He was just asking about a cold case.”

“I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to come in since he was here. Next time, if you’re talking to someone, would you rather I left your lunch in the break room?”

He stopped in front of me. He was so close. He smelled like coffee and Old Spice. I swallowed thickly, trying to meet his gaze as he looked down at me. He shook his head, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “No. I’d still like you to bring it to me, please. If that’s alright?” 

“Yeah, of course. I just don’t want to get in the way of your job.”

“You won’t,” he said. “But I’ve let my job get in the way of other things for too long, so maybe it’s time someone got in the way of it for a bit.” 

“You have an important job, though. If you were a boat salesman, I might feel a little differently about disrupting your work.” 

His smile grew as he tilted his head at me. “A boat salesman?” 

“I mean a job where it wouldn’t really matter all that much if you were distracted every once in a while. If someone doesn’t sell a boat, it’s not that big of a deal. But if you don’t solve a murder case...that has very real repercussions. I wouldn’t want to be a reason for something slipping by in a case.” 

He put his hand on my cheek, directing my eyes back to his. “That won’t happen,” he said. “I take my job seriously. That’s never been a problem for me. My problem has always been figuring out how to balance it with the rest of my life, which I never could, and I neglected a lot of people because of it. Especially Faye.” He shook his head. “I’m still not good at it. But I had a case back in the winter that...put Faye’s safety in jeopardy, among other things, and it made me realize that I need to put more of an effort in my life outside of this job. Despite how hard that is for me.” He stroked my cheek with his thumb. “You motivate me to slow down a bit. And that’s a good thing.”

I took my free hand and placed it over his, then turned my face slightly and placed a kiss on the inside of his wrist. “I would be happy to slow down with you,” I whispered. 

Marshall had a smile that somehow showed in his eyes more than his mouth, and that’s how he was looking at me right then. “I’d like that.” 

A knock on the door startled me. I took a step back, his hand falling from my cheek. He then ran it over his face, almost like he was trying to scrub the irritation of being interrupted off it. Then he folded his arms across his chest before calling out for whoever it was to come in.

The door opened and a man stepped up to the doorway. He was wearing plain clothes like Walter, so I assumed he was a detective, too. He all but ignored me as he and Walter spoke. Half of what they said was in a jargon I didn’t understand, so I just stood there, head down, waiting. After a few minutes, the guy left, only halfway closing the door as he did. When Marshall finally turned back to me, I could see that he was frustrated. I knew he wouldn’t admit it, but me being at his work right then was only going to cause more irritation with every interruption we had. 

“As much as I hate it, I should probably get back to the shop. We have a big order going out tomorrow, so there’s quite a lot to do today to prepare for it,” I said. “Plus, I have a date with a very handsome detective tonight that I want to get ready for.”

The frustration on his face seemed to melt away as he looked at me with a smirk. “Is it anyone I know?”

“Possibly. He does work in your unit.” 

“Is that so?” he asked. I nodded. “Well, if I see him around, I might have to have a talk with him.”

“And what would you say?” 

“I’d tell him that he better be good to you because you deserve to be treated well.” 

My stomach fluttered. “You can rest assured that he treats me very well. Better than any man ever has.”

“All those other men were idiots.”

I smiled. “Maybe so.” 

He shook his head. “Definitely so.” He reached out and took his lunch from my hand, then turned and placed it on a filing cabinet behind him. “Will you let me help you to your car now?” 

I nodded. “Yes, please.”

He put on his coat and followed me to the break room. He pulled my dolly for me, moving it like it was as light as a child’s toy. Even when we made it to the parking lot, he didn’t seem to have any issue with the wheels fighting against him. Then he picked it up and placed it in my trunk with ease, despite how I very often fought to get it back in. I thought about telling him that he was welcome to help me anytime he wanted, but I was afraid it wouldn’t come across as a joke and he would feel obligated to actually help. 

“Thank you. You made my morning a lot easier,” I said after I closed the trunk. I looked at him. “I guess I’ll see you around five-thirty?”

He nodded. “I’ll call you when I leave here, but yeah, I should be there by then,” he said. “And I promise it’ll only be the two of us and no cheap pizza.” 

“To be honest, I quite liked the pizza. It didn’t taste cheap. And I really, truly didn’t mind Faye joining us, but it'll be nice to have dinner with just you tonight,” I said. “But that reminds me - I put a copy of our cookie recipe for Faye in your lunch box.” 

He smiled. “Thank you. She’ll be very excited about that.”

“You’re welcome. And let her know if she has any issues with it, she can call or text me.” 

The crease between his eyebrows appeared as he looked at me thoughtfully. “Are you sure?” 

“Yeah. I’ve made them enough times over the last year and a half to make every mistake you can with them. If she has a problem, I can probably diagnose it over the phone.” 

“You don’t mind her having your number?”

I felt my facial expressions mirroring his, but from confusion. “Of course I don’t mind. As long as you’re okay with it,” I said. “Unless you think your ex-wife would mind? I don’t want to step on her toes or anything.”

He shook his head. “I don’t think Angie would mind for that purpose, and I don’t have a problem with it. But I don’t want you to feel obligated.”

“I don’t but I’ll leave it up to you. If you’d feel more comfortable being the middleman you can always call me for her.” I gave him a big smile. “And I can help you practice the whole talking thing. Then it’s a two birds with one stone kind of deal.” 

He smiled back, nodding his head. “And if she doesn’t need help?” 

“You can still call.” I shrugged. “As far as I’m concerned, you don’t have to have a reason for calling. If I’m not at work, I’m usually pretty free. I may be cooking, or watching ‘The Golden Girls’ with Mom, but that’s about it,” I said. “I’m afraid you’re courting quite a socially boring person.”

He laughed. “I’m not sure if you’ve caught on, but I’m not exactly a sociable person, either,” he said. “So perhaps we make a good fit for each other.”

“Perhaps so,” I agreed. “We can be selectively social together.” 

“Sounds good to me.” 

I let out a sigh and watched my breath turn to steam in front of me. “I better let you get back to your paperwork and I need to go help Darcy at the store. We have over fifty loaves of bread to bake before the end of the day, so depending on when I get home, you may have to deal with your date smelling like freshly baked bread.” 

He squinted slightly. “I’m not really opposed to that,” he joked with a smile that showed off the sharp ends of his canine teeth. 

I laughed. “Good to know.” 

He gave me a short hug, kissing my cheek as he pulled back. “I’ll see you this evening.” 

“I’m looking forward to it.

[autisticburnham]

Fics I have either started and need to finish or that I just plain need to start:

My Troi/Ro missing scenes that I published the first two chapters of and never finished the third

Tom and Harry's first date. If you want it to just be fluffy stop reading here. This one is actually finished but

Sequel to the above. The whole ship dies and we realize the first fic was from the perspective of alternate universe!Harry that saves Naomi Wildman as she's born. Now he has to cope with the fact that he'll never quite belong and that he'll never see anyone he loves again, and now he's got his boyfriend trying to comfort him about it but the boyfriend only knows him as just friends

Julian spiraling after Inquisition and thinking about how his two biggest traumatic experiences were wielded against him

Ezri going through Jadzia's stuff and finding the earrings Lenara gave her and getting Emotions about it

B7 fic where Harry gets kidnapped by aliens and B'elanna and Seven have to go undercover on the planet to save him. Featuring lots of bickering, them getting imprisoned, and them being forced to address the root of their issues with each other to escape and rescue Harry. Very loosely inspired by Barbie: A Fairy Secret

A full length version of that post I made where we see each member of the Niners go to a baseball game with Benjamin. Also featuring Imaginary!Buck Bokai bc while I didn't like the episode as a whole, those were interesting aliens and I'm disappointed we never got to see them again

Rom comes out as nonbinary, almost everyone is supportive and good with it, but Quark keeps making mistakes. We get a parallel where Nog threatens to burn down the bar if Quark stands in the way of his parent's happiness

Short and fluffy Seven/Raffi where Seven muses about how much she loves her while lying next to a sleeping Raffi. Quotes Sappho

Julian talks to various crew members after he gets outed as genetically engineered. May include a conversation with Miles about why it's okay for him specifically to call him Jules, but that may also be it's own fic

Quasi-quodo fic where Quark had feelings for Odo and was working on getting over his internalized stuff so that he could actually talk to Odo about it, but then Odo was too busy fucking for 3 days and nearly got Quark's brother killed and now Quark has to deal with that. Featuring Quark forming a genuine friendship with Nerys bc they're the only people who were really close to Odo and fully understand how fucked up this is to deal with emotionally. Featuring Leeta punching Odo and telling him to stay away from her family

Rejoined... 2! Since ds9 has the distinction of both being next to a stable wormhole and being the last place in the Alpha Quadrant Voyager was seen, when Starfleet commissions the Trill Science Ministry to look into ways to use a stable wormhole to bring Voyager home, Lenara and her team relocate permanently to ds9. We have a parallel where Kira and Ezri have the same conversation Benjamin and Jadzia had warning about Lenara coming. May or may not end with them getting together, but definitely at least featurs Ezri realizing she's a lesbian

Aos!Kirk/Spock/Uhura get together. Takes place after Beyond while Spock and Uhura are still broken up; they talk about why they broke up, speak frankly about their feelings, and decide together to ask Jim into the relationship

Honestly? Might steal @8daysuntiltheapocalypseiguess 's Dean Winchester writes Star Trek fanfiction and do Tom Paris writes Supernatural fanfiction to figure out his gender. Would NOT be the same format, I do not know how Elle does that, they're a god amongst men

[ghaoil]

I started reading the sequel of gone 'monster' which I've put off for a while like quite a few months, nearly a year because I liked the way gone finished even though I would of loved to know how each of the characters coped after the fayz. So far I like it a little, I loved it when dekka was introduced and when scotland was mentioned - I always get excited when scotland is mentioned because im from there, it's kinda wierd but i know my friend also get excited when it's mentioned so I know I'm not the only one. Hopefully the books are alright but based off others opinions i'll expect disappointment so I won't be so disappointed :)

[soulmate-game]

The Vote and Other Things

So, first things first. This is how the vote for the next story to be updated turned out. 

first place: Useful (14 votes)

second place: Brucinette (11 votes)

Third place: Bio!dad Joker (2 votes)

Fourth Place: other (1 vote lol) 

I counted both votes for those of you who couldn’t choose. So if you said “either 2 or 3”, I just put your vote in for both of them. It was the fairest way I could think to count votes since several of you had a hard time deciding (which I don’t mind at all! I’m just glad you guys voted at all tbh). 

serious talk is under the cut. Mentions of emotion and mental health stuff, nothing too deep or anything but just fyi. 

Now that that is out of the way, let me talk a bit about the sequel to Useful before I start writing it. I know I probably hyped some of you up by saying it was going to be super angsty and make you all cry. And yeah, that was the original plan. But on Sunday, I got some really bad family news and I’ve been avoiding reality for a while since then by writing. It isn’t the healthiest coping mechanism at times (I tend to take it too far if I don’t pay attention), and I’m trying to make sure I stay healthy as possible, but this is also the best idea I got for dealing with my emotions right now. I promise I’m working through them, it’s just that focusing on writing helps me not only burn a few hours without focusing on the bad shit, but keeps me from the self-loathing that comes with sleeping my issues away. so. 

Some of you might notice that this coincides with my update of The Heroes’ Game. And yeah, that’s not coincidence. I had been having trouble writing chapter 17 for a while, and apparently a bitch slap from Life Itself was what it took to get me to sit down for almost three hours straight and finish it. I averaged 1,000 words an hour because I had too many emotions and had to work through them. And I did, I got a lot of my anger and frustration out by channeling them into my writing. But now I need a hell of a lot of comfort, which will also be channeled into my writing. Which means, because of the timing of me writing this particular Part 2, this continuation of Useful will likely be very low on angst after all. I know a lot of you had your tissues ready and were excited for a tear-fest, but that will have to wait until I am in a more stable mindset. I can make no promises, this issue isn’t likely to go away anytime soon and my emotions will likely be all over the place for the next few months. But, if and when I am in a better place to write angst, I will write an alternate Part 2 for Useful, an Angst-timeline, in the same way I separated the two timelines for the Bio!dad Joker AU into Normal and Chaotic. 

You guys are awesome, and I appreciate your support every day. I hope this doesn’t disappoint you all too much, but I am not going to stop writing and hoping that you find some solace or enjoyment in what I create anyway. I know, personally, that reading is every bit as much of a comfort and escape for me in bad times as writing is, and I continue to publish my writing in the hope that it can help you guys the same way others’ writing has helped me. 

With love, CJ.