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writingandengineering · 4 years ago

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uninterested

hi this was requested!

request: Hi, I'm not sure how to make requests but could you write a fic where the reader is not so secretly in love with Poe but he doesn't seem to be interested at all? I don't care if the ending is sad or happy. Love your writing.

(this became way longer than i intended and i don’t know of the plot really flows the way i wanted to but i’m still proud of this one; i wrote an actual kissing scene that i think turned out okay. this kinda fills the request. also i nicknamed the reader Officer to avoid using a name or “y/n”)

warnings: i don’t think there’s any! just slight angst and a little kissing!

word count: 2831

Working in the comms center in the Resistance meant that you had regular contact with one flyboy, Poe Dameron. He looked just like the recruitment photos that were plastered around on your home planet; the beautiful sun-kissed skin, the brown eyes that just radiated warmth, and the luscious black curls for hair that would make anyone jealous. Just by his looks, he had you absolutely swooning anytime he came around. To you, it wasn’t all about his looks, you loved his dedication and attitude; it was the bravery, it was the compassion, it was his ability to understand people. Most of all, it was how he treated you; he treated you like the intelligent person you are, like someone who could contribute to changing the tide of the war, like you were actually important. Maker, when you were assigned to be his comm officer, you just about died and became one with the Force.

Now, it wasn’t exactly a secret that you were in love with Poe, anyone could tell with the way you started to fumble your words or fidget with your hands whenever you talked to him. That being said, it took a lot of willpower to stay even the slightest bit composed when you talked to him outside of the comm center (you are a professional which means you don’t get flustered during your job). You couldn’t help it, you were enamored by the man.

“Hey Officer! You ready for the mission in a couple days?” You instantly froze, mid-bite of whatever they were serving for lunch. Oh no, there was no way you could deal with Poe right now; not while eating where you run the risk of choking and making a fool of yourself. Quickly swallowing your food and cleaning your face off with a napkin, you take a breath to compose yourself and turn to him.

“Yeah Poe,” you start smiling, but then see that new comm officer (you know, the one that isn’t you) under his arm. You immediately deflate and look towards the ground, the pang in your chest strong. “Yeah, it’ll be a good one.” You mutter and turn around, going back to your food.

Well, there goes your confidence for the rest of the day. You hear Poe joke with the new comm officer, she giggles while they walk away. The sound makes a crack in your heart. You always knew somewhere in the back of your mind that you would never stand a chance, but it hurt to be reminded of it.

_______

There was a lot riding on this mission; the establishment of a new source of supplies was incredibly important to the survival of the Resistance. Sure, that new source was from a shady outer rim planet, but they were supporting the Resistance and hadn’t fallen victim to the First Order; that was all the Resistance could hope for. The mission would be led by Poe and his squadron, with you at the head of the comms team for the mission.

At least that was the plan, until you received a message on your data pad that you would no longer be in charge of the comms for the mission. Actually, you weren’t on the mission at all anymore.

When did that happen?

After your many attempts to gather your thoughts, you go to the one person who should know everything about this mission, Poe.

“Uh, hey Poe? Could I have a word?” you ask, walking up to him in the hangar. Kriff, he looked really good today. That orange flight suit shouldn’t work for anyone but yet Poe made it work.

He turned from his ship smiling, “Sure Officer, what did you need?” Poe stepped away from his ship, towards you. Your heartbeat started to speed up at the simple actions.

“Um, well, I saw that I was taken off of the mission, and I just wanted to know if you knew anything about that?” You say, unsure and look up to him in the eyes. It doesn’t even take him a second to reply.

“Oh that? Yeah, I requested you off of the mission. I wanted to try a mission out with that new comm officer, see how she held up so I don’t always have to rely on you.” Poe said it like it was an obvious reason. The sound of your heart breaking had to be audible with how hard it just cracked.

You furrow your brows and look down at your feet, “Why was I not informed this was happening?” You look back up, brows still furrowed, mouth drawn into a frown. Poe begins to shift in the spot he’s standing in, clearly uncomfortable.

“We just wanted to try it out, you kn-”

You quickly cut him off, “No,” anger starts to seep into tone. “Why would you do that? You know she’s new to the comms center, like, she’s barely been here for two weeks and that qualifies her to run this high stakes mission? I’m sorry Poe, that just doesn’t make sense. There is no “trying things out” with a mission like this, you know that.” So much for Poe treating you like you were good at your job.

“Look, it's nothing against you Off-” he starts before you cut him off again.

“Sure it isn’t Poe, I’ve been your assigned comm officer since you became a commander; why change now to someone else who is new and clearly inexperienced to such an important mission? I just,” you stop, taking a deep breath and shaking your head. Scoffing, you make eye contact with Poe, still shaking your head. Shrugging, you add on, “I just can’t believe you would do that.”

“I know you have feelings for me but this isn’t about that!” He tries to reason.

“What? You think I’m doing this because of my feelings? Unbelievable. I would never put a mission at risk because of my feelings, no matter how strong. This isn’t about me being jealous, this is me being concerned because I care.” You don’t even give Poe the chance to reply before storming out of the hangar and towards your quarters.

Great. You’re off the mission, Poe knows about your feelings, and your heart is broken. What a great day, you think as you plop into your bed. Your thoughts begin to dwell over the encounter and tears start to well up in your eyes.

You just couldn’t believe that Poe would throw you away like that; your feelings for him aside, but as his comm officer? It just added salt into the wound. He wanted her over you? In your area of expertise?

Ugh. Wiping your tears away, you mentally smack yourself for your thoughts; Poe’s allowed to not like you, and who were you to let your life be controlled by a man? In that instant, you decided that you would no longer harbor feelings for Poe (good luck), you would only be professional and you wouldn’t let this get the best of you.

Tomorrow, the Resistance would get a whole new you, a new Officer.

_______

You woke up later than usual the next morning; you could now that you didn’t have a mission to work on. Today, everything would be at your own pace, and no one could stop you.

Except for the general.

You groan as you enter the comm center, the one place you wanted to avoid today. Looking around the comm center, things were not going well, and that was very bad. The general stood in the center, looking frustrated, and oh. Would you look at that? Poe’s new officer was nowhere to be found.

“Officer! Thank goodness you’re here, I need you to fix this mission right now. You need to be on the comms for the rest of the mission, the Resistance can’t afford any more mishaps this mission.” Leia says as she grabs your shoulder.

“Of course General,” and with that you get right to work, ordering and guiding Poe’s squadron. You work at a pace you’ve never done before, but surely, you begin to get the mission on track.

“Officer, it’s good to hear from you! I’m so gl-”

“Save it Dameron.” you grumble and continue to work. From that point on, you only spoke to Poe when you needed to, which was difficult because he was leading the mission. Nonetheless, you got the job done; just in time too. Right as a First Order patrol ship showed up, the last Resistance ship had entered hyperspace. You sigh heavily, the mission was saved, but you were not. Now you just had to avoid Poe when he got back.

There was no way you could face him now, your feelings shattered and you having the “I told you so” advantage over him. Sure you were mad at him, but you couldn’t bring yourself to be rash towards him, you just couldn’t. You walked out of the comm center and towards the mess hall, maybe some caff would clear things up.

So, issue number one was that you had to walk by the hangar to get to the mess hall. Issue number two was that you wanted to avoid Poe, and issue number three was that there was a great chance that you would run into him at some point today; if Poe had enough brain cells, he would seek you out and apologize for putting the mission at risk. You couldn’t let yourself linger on such thoughts, so you started walking faster to the mess hall.

Getting yourself a nice cup of caff that you so clearly deserved, you went to sit down right as someone calls your name.

“Hey, the General wants you down at the debrief!”

You sigh, looking down at your caff, “I’ll be right there.” So much for your cup of caff, no rest in the Resistance you suppose. There was certainly no avoiding Poe now, you would have to see him at the debrief; your avoidance of him didn’t last very long. You dread the walk back to the command center as you start to chug your caff and prepare yourself for the debrief, going over the events in your head.

The air in the command center is thick when you enter; it looks just as tense too. In the center of the room is General Organa and Poe, the rest of his squadron on one side, and the comms team (that new officer included) on the other side.

“Come in Officer, we were waiting on you.” The General says, looking at you expectantly. You choke a little on the caff that you have left in your mouth, but nod anyways, taking a seat near the comms team. “No Officer, I want you up here so you can explain how you fixed the mission.” You start screaming internally as you get up and stand next to Poe.

The debrief starts with the General explaining the goal of the mission and what the plan was supposed to be and what happened. She turned to Poe and asked for his account of what happened and where the mission went wrong.

“Things started going bad when the comms officer couldn’t keep up, uh,” he turns to you, “not you, um, the new officer that I asked to be on this mission.” Poe looked extremely uncomfortable as he continued to explain that the new comm officer that he specifically requested (the one that replaced you), couldn’t keep up with the demands of the mission and wasn’t able to watch out for the entire squadron during it.” You make a face as you listen to Poe describe the mission with every mistake the other comm officer made, you felt kinda bad for her.

“After she ran off, we were able to get the Officer onto the comms and handle the mission; Officer was able to correct the mistakes and get us back on track. The mission was a success thanks to the Officer.” Poe finishes, looking at you. You want to look back at him, but you’re still mad at him and if you look at him, you’ll forgive him immediately. You look at the back wall of the room instead.

General Organa continues, “Officer, without you this would’ve been a failed mission, so thank you.” She turns to you again, “You’re one our lead comm officers for a reason, thank you for returning to the mission.” You nod at her in appreciation, eyes skimming over Poe, who looked at you with some sort of emotion in his eyes. Your heart panged but you ignored it in favor of starting at the back wall again.

The rest of the debrief was a blur; input from other officers and pilots taking up the rest of the time. As soon as the debrief was dismissed, you bolted to the door, not wanting to even chance talking to Poe.

“Officer! Wait!”

Apparently, you have awful luck. You slow down to a stop in the hallway, waiting for Poe to catch up. Taking a couple deep breathes, you turn to face the man you couldn’t help but love. Looking into his deep brown eyes, they’re full of the same emotion from the debrief. What was it? Regret?

“Look, Officer, I just… I just wanted to say that I was sorry,” Poe starts. He makes strong eye contact with you, as if he was trying to make his words more sincere. “I know I said some really shitty things to you and I should have never brought your feelings into it like that, but I really am sorry. I care about you too, you know? I thought I could get your attention this way and be, uh… inconspicuous about it.”

You inhale sharply and furrow your brows, “Then why would you do that? You put yourself and everyone else at risk for what? Making me jealous? What about that new officer's feelings?” Anger starts to bubble up in you at Poe’s idiocy.

“No, it isn’t like that!” Poe drags one of his hands down his face, “I planned things out and that officer was nice enough to help out, but nothing went right. I was supposed to come back from the mission successful and ask you out for drinks after. I wanted to prove that I didn’t have to rely on you, and that you could also rely on me. I just did everything wrong and it just looks so fucked up.” It was in that moment you could actually see the sincerity in his face, in his eyes. Poe reaches out to take both of your hands into his before starting again, “I really like you and I messed up really bad. You don’t have to forgive me, I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry and that I’m an idiot.”

You go slack jawed at Poe’s words. He likes you back? Your feelings for him weren’t one-sided despite his apparent lack of interest? After staring at him in shock for a few seconds, you conclude that he is in fact, an idiot, like he said. The feelings for him that you were trying to poorly repress for him came rushing back. You look down to where he’s holding your hands and squeeze them.

“You did all of that because you liked me back? You made this elaborate plan instead of telling me? Holy kriff, you are so… extra. I forgive you, I don’t think I can stay mad at you.” You say, breaking into a smile. You see the emotions in his eyes change to something more familiar, something happier. He squeezes your hands back and then smiles so warmly at you that you melt in his grip.

“So, can I ask out for a drink then?” Poe asks, pulling you closer to him. You wrap your arms around his neck while he places his arms around your middle. Poe’s face is within centimeter of yours and you can see him glancing down at your lips in a silent question. Your smile widens.

You close the remaining gap between your lips and his; you weren’t sure what to expect kissing Poe Dameron, but this was more than you could’ve hoped for. His lips were soft and worked against yours like it was the most natural thing in the galaxy. The kiss takes your breath away as it begins to deepen even more, lips parting and Poe’s tongue invading your mouth. Your hands creep up from his neck towards the bottom of his hair and begin to pull, Poe groans deeply into your mouth before starting to run his hands along you back. The two of you go back and forth before breaking apart and remembering that the both of you were still in the hallway. You look at Poe and laugh a little at his disheveled state; Poe looks absolutely love-struck by you.

You remember his unanswered question, “I would love to get a drink with you.”

#requests #poe dameron #poe dameron x reader #poe dameron x you #poe dameron x y/n #star wars #star wars x reader #reader insert

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willows-adventures-in-words · 4 years ago

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Now that October is over I’m gonna share my thoughts on my prompts from the month. I guess this could be considered a director's cut of sorts. So if anyone is interested in that sort of thing it’ll be under a read more since I have 16 prompts so it’ll be long.

The Whumptober prompt from day 1. I can't remember if I wrote this one first or if I wrote the other day one prompt first. But this one was interesting since it's the start of a new au. (Honestly, I need to stop making more.) As well as a honest attempt at writing a zombie apocalypse type story. I took some reference points from the game 7 Days to Die, hence the au title. But in regards to the prompt, it was the set up for the other day one prompt since I knew what I was doing for the other one already. I had to get Chase and Anti to meet and become travel buddies. But for that to happen Chase had to suffer a little. He had to lose what he had otherwise he wouldn't end up traveling with Anti. It was interesting to write. With Chase's regret and attempted suicide... Obviously, I knew he wasn't going to die but it still hurt to write it. And his little voice of doubt. Also, I can't help but like the quote, “She was my wife, you insensitive fuck.” a little more than I should.

The Egoshiptober prompt, as I said I knew what I was doing already. It hadn't taken long to decide that it would be Anti who had fallen for Chase. That he had no knowledge if Chase would feel the same for him or not. I had debated it for a bit if it would be unrequited or not. After discussing it with one of my two readers IRL I have concluded with certainty that, no it is not unrequited. Chase, at this point isn't aware that that is how he feels yet though. He cares a lot about Anti at this point, they've been through a lot after all. But since the only relationship he's had was with Stacy he can't quite comprehend his relationship with Anti in that way yet. Though despite that, I feel like the hints are there. I'm happy with how this turned out. Chase's concern for Anti. The trust and the history between them. As well as Anti's realization over how he feels about Chase. Realization settled over him like a warm blanket. I loved that line. I'm proud of that line.

The Whumptober prompt for day 3 was different than what I'm used to. I had an idea, but couldn't quite work it out. And originally this one and day 15 were going to be one and the same when I realized I could break them up and complete two prompts (yay). But anyway, the beginning of this one was difficult to figure out. But once I got to the confrontation between Jackie and the gang leader I started to work through it pretty quickly. This one, like all my prompts actually, I have all this background info in my head that has no place in the prompt that I can work with. With this one for example, Henrik was kidnapped by the gang as he was leaving work because one of their own was injured. As well as the fact that the gang leader really didn't intend to injure Henrik but Jackie inadvertently pushed him into action. It was a convenience that they still had Henrik there when Jackie showed up. In the end I enjoyed writing this one.

The Whumptober prompt for day 4 was pretty much an excuse to write what happened immediately after Marvin was sold at the auction in my winged AU. I'd been mulling over what happens after off-and-on ever since I'd written it and now I had a reason to write it. Or part of it anyway since he's going to be there for awhile.

Now, the Whumptober prompt for day 7 I knew when I saw the prompt option of Enemy to Caretaker that I was going to do a superhero-villain thing with Jackie and Marvin. Than Anti came into the picture because, obviously, Marvin had to become Jackie's rival turned caretaker. I pretty much had this one mapped out from the get go. Background info on this one is that Marvin has history with Anti so when he saw the shape Jackie was in, as well as the uncomfortable feeling in the air, he knew Anti was involved. At the end of this one though I had debated on how Marvin was going to seal off the place so Anti couldn't get to them. One option was a sort of switch next to the door making the place disappear or something. In the end I ended up leaving it vague. I'd also thought to make this one longer and add a bit when Jackie wakes up in a bed but decided against it.

Whumptober day 8 prompt. This one was... This one was personal. I wrote it about myself. So... yeah.

Anyway, day 9 was Egoshiptober. And this one was unexpected. I hadn't expected or planned to write it. I was at work thinking about the prompt list and the idea came to me. How Jackie goes to Henrik to patch him up when he gets hurt. Then one day he accidentally blurts out how he feels about him. Before Henrik really has a chance to address it Jackie makes up an excuse and bolts out. He avoids Henrik for two weeks before Henrik searches for him and, upon finding him, asks him on a date. And voila! The story was born from there. It was surprisingly easy and fun to write. Especially the second half when Jackie started to relax. Their banter was my favorite part. And when Jackie takes Henrik's hand at the end just makes me smile when I reread it.

Day 10 for Egoshiptober was the fastest and easiest for me to write. Simply because I had already written something with them before; though I'm constantly unsure if I'll ever post it (a snippet of it is posted now tho). So when I saw the prompt I knew right away. This was one of the first prompts I wrote. I also believe it's one of the sweetest things I've written as well. I love it. It never fails to makes me smile.

Now the day 11 prompt for Egoshiptober was an accident. It was the tenth and I was doing my updates on here when I realized it was the day that has been labeled as Anti's birthday. Which I didn't realize. So, I checked my list to see who was available to pair him with (everyone except Chase) and came up with this. Originally I was going to add a part when Jackie finds out he missed Anti's birthday, but couldn't make it work. My favorite bit was the very ending. I was smiling nonstop when I thought of it.

And this one. Day 13 for Egoshiptober. My god it took me forever to figure out what I was going to do with it. All I knew for weeks was that it was going to be with Jackie and Marvin. Then finally (after I wrote the last prompt of the month) I figured it out. Jackie's hair changing when he wore his mask. I was so happy when I figured out what to do. I remember writing a good portion of it at work. There are a lot of little things I liked with this one but my favorite part to write was when Marvin magically kept Jackie from coming in the room and the bickerment that went with it.

Ah yes. Day 15 for Whumptober. The second half of day 3's prompt. This one took time. I knew what I wanted with it but had no idea how to go about it. I actually found myself doing research (which is a rarity for me). Once I thought of it, I fell in love with the idea of Henrik teaching Marvin how to heal and repair the human body. The problem came in when I had to actually write it. I had, and still don't really know, how to write someone doing magic. I had also thought to add a scene at the end of this for when Jackie arrives at Henrik's place to find them both asleep. This is one of the prompts that made me the happiest when it was finished. That I actually wrote magic in a way that made sense. Honestly, I am so proud of how that turned out.

Prompt 19 for Whumptober wasn't supposed to be so long. But I couldn't just have the grief and mourning without some lead up. Then it turned into this. I mean, there couldn't be no side-effects to what happened in the very first prompt of the month. The thing with this one was I wanted them indoors, that's where the lead up came in. 'Cause clearly homes and residential areas aren't going to be 100% safe during a zombie apocalypse. Some background on this one; I already, more or less, know Anti's background. He's lost someone as well. Though they weren't in a relationship like Chase and Stacy, but he's gone through it as well. He just handled it differently than Chase did and had more time to coup with the loss. Though Chase was glad he finally had a name he could call his travel buddy. As well as being happy at the little bit of conversation they had.

When I saw the prompt Crown for the 22nd day of Egoshiptober the first thing I thought of was royalty. But with no idea how to make that work, I remembered those cardboard crowns from Burger King from when I was a kid. I thought, hey, I could work with that. It was slow progress figuring this one out after that though. I knew it would be Henrik, Chase, and Chase's kids, but outside of that I was clueless. I don't know how to write children. How was I going to make this work... Well, after I finished it and had my IRL proofreader read it, I was pleasantly surprised to be told I hit the mark on the age bracket I was aiming for. As with some of the other prompts, it's the little things with this one that I liked. The willingness of Henrik to join in on the antics. While at the same time taking control of it. The kids siding with Henrik. This one was fun.

I kinda felt bad that for Egoshiptober day 25 I made it sad. I mean, I coulda done haunted house or something. But no. I went with one of the two dying and 'haunting' the other. That Marvin's spirit stayed with Chase. Though despite it being sad there is some distinct sweetness there too. Marvin doesn't want Chase to drink himself to the bottom of the bottle. How Marvin is trying to take care of him while getting used to his own situation. I love how heart-wrenching yet sweet this is. Marvin's little 'I love you.' that wakes up Chase during the last bit. Then he brushes his hair out of the way and kisses his forehead. It's just... so sweet. I also had thoughts to continue this one and make it longer. But I didn't since where I ended it felt like enough. Also, I felt it would loss the 'haunted' feel to it if I made it longer and expanded on it.

The prompt for the 28th day was an Alternate prompt from the Whumptober list. This one I was really nervous to post. I was so afraid of having negativity thrown at me for writing something I have zero personal experience in. Despite my concerns, I personally like how it turned out. It's part of backstory to another story I have started. As I said, I have no personal experience in the situation I had written. I have much sympathy to anyone who has as well as much resentment to those who have put someone in that situation.

And finally, day 30 for the Egoshiptober prompt. As well as an Alternate prompt from the Whumptober list. This was surprisingly one of the first prompts I'd written. I think it was anyway. It turned out longer than I had expected it to. But I'm very happy with how it turned out. My proofreader, one of the two people who I feel comfortable enough with to read my writing IRL, liked this so much she wanted a continuation. Personally, there's so much I like with this one. Again a lot of little things. The ending is just... heartbreaking for Jackie though.

#jacksepticeye #jse egos #whumptober2020 #Egoshiptober #Antisepticeye #Chase Brody #Jackieboy Man #Henrik von Schneeplestein #Marvin the Magnificent #My writing

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alittleyellowdinosaur · 5 years ago

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Homemade Cinnamon Rolls Recipe

So i made this here post about how satisfying making my own bread is, and, by my 300 followers, 6 notes on a good day, 0 on personal post standards, it went viral. So i thought I’d give you guys the recipe. It’s a mashup of this recipe, my own shit, and an idea from another recipe that i can’t find again to give them credit. Since i only took proportions from the first one i’m calling this my own recipe. I’m also going to go a bit into bread baking tips and tricks just in case this is your first time making bread and you want to get started on that cottagecore life. Now go bake some fine ass cinnamon rolls folks! ( @good-vibes-by-noel this here’s for you!)

Photo sucks but i couldnt get a better one because they didn’t last the night. Whoops! This is what they’ll look like though!

Time: like 2 hours, give or take, but you can do other shit during most of that.

Makes: 12, frankly giant, cinnamon rolls. good luck eating more than 2 at a time, seriously.

Ingredients:

The Rolls:

1 cup warm milk (microwave in a mug for a minute and you are good. Any milk is fine, but i used fat free)

1 tablespoon dry instant yeast (about one and a quarter packets, but one should be fine, you just might need to extend rising times if it’s not working well)

2 tablespoons granulated sugar

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup (1 stick) and 3 tablespoons of melted butter (*** VERY IMPORTANT - melt the 3tbs and the 1/2 cup SEPARATELY or you’ll throw everything off.)

1 large egg

3 cups all-purpose flour (bread flour works too

1 cup brown sugar

2 tablespoons cinnamon (yes the big ones)

The Icing:

1 cup of icing (powdered) sugar (Starting point - I’ll explain later))

1 Tablespoon of milk (Starting point)

1 teaspoon of vanilla

Directions:

I added lots of bread fun facts to help you guys with other bread making endeavors, so it got long and is now under the cut!

Activate the yeast. Warm the milk up for a minute in the microwave, and mix that, the white sugar, and the yeast together. leave to rest for 5-10 minutes. you want it to look like the photo on the bottom, but if it isn’t as good, don’t freak out because you’ll be fine. Mine never look that good tbh, there’s a reason i was so proud. Bread Fun Fact: Less of a fun fact then just some advice, but buy the bulk jars of instant yeast. They keep forever in the fridge (always store yeast in the fridge btw) and are so much cheaper than buying packets. if you intend to make bread a lot, it’s the best way to save money. Plus, most recipes give tablespoon/teaspoon amounts, not packet amounts.

Once it looks all nice and foamy, add in the flour. On top of the flour, add the salt, egg, and 3 tablespoons of butter. You need to keep these as separate from the yeast as you can until you begin mixing - especially the salt, which will outright kill it. Always keep the salt and yeast separate guys!! Bread Fun Fact: Because you are adding eggs, butter, and milk instead of water, this type of bread is called an enriched bread. These breads are softer, fluffier, usually sweeter, and more complicated as they can take longer to rise. Yay! Doughs without these things are called Lean breads and include ciabatta, focaccia, and baguettes i think.

Mix and knead the dough. If you have a stand mixer, use the dough hook (the one that looks like Captain Hook got robbed), and mix it together until the dough forms on medium, then crank it for like 5 minutes on medium-high. If you are making this at 7 in the morning like i was and can’t wake people up, mix it by hand until combined, then knead for 10 ish minutes to build up the gluten strands on a clean table dusted with a bit of flour. The best method I’ve found is to stretch it out with the heel of your hand, roll it up, then rotate and repeat. Over and over and over.... Bread Fun Fact: You can tell you’ve done enough kneading by using the Window Pane Test. If you can stretch the dough far enough that you can see light through it without it breaking, then you’ve got enough gluten. That or go until it doesn’t look like it’s got cellulite anymore and is nice and smooth. The other test is if it bounces back when you poke it a bit. Also, when helping with kneading, for enriched breads use flour, for lean breads use oil!

Now comes the waiting. Grease the bowl you mixed in with some butter, and plop the ball of dough in. Cover with tight plastic to prevent air getting in (and creating a crusty skin that will inhibit rising), and a clean towel, and leave in a patch of sun or a warm place for 1 hour to rise.

Before you go play video games/do work/fuck around, mix together the brown sugar and cinnamon and melt the 1/2 cup of butter. Now go have fun.

When you get back, you should have a big bowl of risen dough. Now punch the sucker. Yes, you heard me, punch it. It’s called knocking it back and is absolutely essential in dough making. Now, pat the dough out into a 12 inch by 18 inch rectangle, approximately. Don’t use a rolling pin because it’ll mess the air up. Put about a quarter of the melted butter over the top, and then however much of the brown sugar - cinnamon mix you feel like (i put enough so that, when patted down a bit, it covered the whole thing evenly.)

Roll the rectangle up along the longer edge. It helps to tack down one side by smearing it a bit onto the table. it just makes it easier to get a tight roll and helps the seam idk. Cut off the edges to get a clean roll, then cut 12 rolls, about an inch each or so. Bread Fun Fact: If you use a sharp knife, you are going to smush your rolls. The better way is to get tooth floss, though i highly advise not a mint one. Push it under the roll where you want the cut, cross over the two ends in your hands, and pull until you’ve sliced off the roll. makes it much neater and not smushy.

Pour the rest of the cinnamon sugar mixture and butter into the bottom of a 13in by 9in pan, be it glass, metal, whatever you have is fine. Mix it together and make sure the sludge of deliciousness covers the whole bottom. Plop each off the rolls in there, in a 3 by 4 set up, cover with plastic and the towel, leave in sun, and go fuck off for a half hour or so. Honestly i never leave it that long because mine always get massive, so for me it’s always more like 15-20 minutes. Really just wait till they balloon up and fill the pan a bunch, but don’t worry if it’s not perfect because they’ll grow again in the oven.

At some point while they are rising, preheat the oven to 350 degrees (Fahrenheit). When you deem them risen enough and the oven is fully heated (YOU REALLY DO WANT TO PREHEAT IT THIS TIME GUYS TRUST ME ON THIS. if you dont you’ll probably burn your bread before it’s cooked), and bake for about 20-30 minutes. i know that’s a big iffy point, but pretty much just keep checking after around 20 minutes until they are colored brown on top and smell like heaven. (i’m going to be really honest with you, I’ve never baked them at 350 degrees, only at 325 like the recipe for the dough said, but that recipe is a liar because it took me a solid 30 minutes or more when it said that it should take 14. The op was eating undercooked bread guys. So do 350, but i can’t honestly tell you the right timing because i’ve only turned it up halfway through before) Bread Fun Fact: Because enriched breads, like this recipe, have more sugar than lean breads do, they can sometimes catch in the oven - or color too quickly and burn, when the inside still needs to cook. if this happens, you can always give them a little tin foil hat wherever it’s catching to prevent more coloring while not hindering cooking!

While it’s baking, mix together the icing. The amounts i gave are a starting point, because the icing is something you feel with your heart. add more sugar or more milk until you think you have enough for all 12 rolls and its the consistency you want. I made mine fairly thick so it wouldnt sink in and make the dough soggy, but i also made a shit ton because my family loves the icing. So go with the flow.

When the cinnamon rolls are done, put the icing on and serve warm! Congrats, you’ve made cinnamon rolls entirely homemade, and you’ve now learned some basic bread making facts!! yay!!!

#baking #bread #cinnamon rolls #cottagecore #i need everyone to know my only qualifications in baking is my hyperfocus being baking shows #and trying a shit ton of recipes out because of it #im not an expert but paul hollywood is and i just gave you what he's told me okay paul wouldnt steer me wrong #and it always turns out good so fuck it #recipes #my recipes

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jbbarnesnnoble · 5 years ago

Text

Where the Moonlight Shines (Part Two)

Summary: You’re a junior deputy in Hope County, Montana when things go to hell in a handbasket with the local cult. It’s months before help arrives in the form of the Avengers, taking you down a road you never expected.

Features: Violence; Depiction of torture; Murder; Mind control

Pairing: TBD

Series Warnings: Canon typical violence; depictions/mentions of torture; depictions/mentions of brainwashing; will add more as they become relevant

Notes: This part contains the death of a minor, mentions and depictions of torture, discussion of mind control, and canon typical violence

We meet the Avengers in the part while exploring a little bit of what Rook has gone through

This is a crossover between Far Cry 5 and the MCU

Word Count: 4302

You lost count of the days. They all blurred together. You had been taken by John first when you were stirring things up in the region. John Seed, the baptist, the one meant to make you confess your sins. You had refused time and time again, until one day you didn’t. It was torture, literal torture. While you healed at an accelerated rate compared to others, you refused to heal yourself, refused to reveal what they already knew. You had sacrificed yourself for Joey, day in and day out. You didn’t want her to suffer, not when you knew you could handle it, handle the pain.

“Are you ready to confess, Deputy? Ready to say yes, to be freed from your sins?” John asked, his tone calm. You glared at him. You hated him, hated how he drew out the word ‘deputy’ every time he spoke to you. It had become a routine. You had bruises still healing from where he hit you, cuts that were still bleeding, in spite of your accelerated healing.

“Confess what? That I was just living my life, doing my job until you and your family came in and fucked everything up?” you asked. You knew that would enrage him. You were past caring. You were chained to a chair and your words were your only available weapon.

“Your hubris, your pride, your wrath. I know what your sins are, my dear. But do you? I don’t enjoy hurting you. No, no. But I must. Because, you. Must. Confess. You must atone, and the path to atonement is paved with pain,” he said as he paced around. He went to his toolbox. You loathed it. You craved the sunlight, the fresh air, anything other than the dark bunker that stank of blood and death. You refused to flinch as he moved toward you with the ice pick. He had figured out you healed fast. As far as you knew, it was the one thing keeping you alive, the one thing that kept him from killing you outright aside from whatever orders he had been given.

You refused to scream as he drove the ice pick into your leg. He knew how to maximize the pain without causing you to bleed out. You refused to give in until he threatened Joey again. In the end, he marked you after you said yes to save Joey once more, ‘wrath’ had been tattooed across your chest before the flesh was ripped from you. You had forced yourself not to react as he did it, refusing to give him the satisfaction of seeing you in pain. It took everything you had not to scream out.

The day you broke, the day you said yes, was burned into your memory like no other experience through all of the things that had happened since the night of the attempted arrest. It plagued your dreams when you managed to sleep. The scene twisting into something more horrific each time.

You almost wished to be back in the bunker now. You had figured you had been there for a month, maybe a little longer, before you ended up breaking out and getting away. You had spent time in John’s region stirring up trouble as a ‘fuck you’ to the man before crossing the Henbane River to deal with Faith and her bliss. Bliss. You hated the stuff. It was a potent hallucinogen.

She had ensnared you in it. You had almost lost yourself in it before Tracey found you. An adrenaline shot was the only way to get you out of it. Faith had shown you destruction, had shown you Joseph’s supposed vision. You still hadn’t been able to get Burke away. Part of you wasn’t sure you wanted to. You blamed him for lighting the powder keg that set it all in motion while Joseph insisted it was you, always you. You were the harbinger, the one who set it in motion with one simple action. You headed for the Whitetails after being pulled from the Bliss. You knew torture awaited you in Holland Valley and you didn’t want to know what would happen if you ended up deep in the Bliss again.

You met the Whitetail Militia when you made it to the Whitetails. You knew Tammy Barnes didn’t trust you one bit. Not at first. Not until you and Jess Black killed the Cook.

“That didn’t feel like I thought it would,” Jess admitted as the two of you scavenged the site where the Cook had set up shop. He had killed her family. Jess had suffered at his hand. You placed a hand on her shoulder and she turned toward you, not meeting your gaze.

“Look at me Jess,” you said. For a moment you thought she wasn’t going to, until she lifted her head up, her eyes meeting yours.

“I don’t know what I expected,” she said.

“Revenge rarely does what we think it will. You think you’ll feel stronger, that you’ll feel vindicated, that the suffering you went through, it won’t matter anymore because the boogeyman who hurt you is gone and can’t hurt anyone anymore. Truth is, revenge doesn’t change shit. You still went through hell, kid. You still have to heal. Maybe it’ll be a bit easier now. Maybe it won’t be. But he won’t hurt anyone ever again,” you said.

“I won’t rest easy at night until the son of a bitch responsible for this all is dead and buried,” she said.

“Which one?” you asked.

“All of them,” she said.

Jess was young. She was strong. She had seen far too much for her age. She was there when you had been caught by Jacob’s Chosen the second time. You had told her to run after Jacob’s warning came over your radio. For once, she listened to you. You had felt an arrow pierce your leg and the next thing you fully remembered was waking up to see bodies around you, blood on the ground at the bottom of a steep drop. It was the game Jacob played. You weren’t sure what it was then, but he triggered something in you, and after that things went blank. You never remembered what it was, not until you’d been in the Whitetails for long enough that it became clear. He let you go. You knew that. Of the three Seeds who ran the regions while Joseph hid away on his island, Jacob was the scariest.

For the past three months, you had been at the mercy of Jacob. It had been five months since the botched arrest. He was your nightmares in human form. You dreaded seeing that music box. You dreaded hearing the opening notes of ‘Only You’. Whatever he had done to you, that song triggered it. You had learned to comply before he needed to use it. It was easier that way and you hated it. Absolutely hated it. He had toyed with you, letting you escape after each trial before bringing you back. He still used it when he had a specific task for you, one he didn’t want to risk your non-compliance on.

Eli was one of those tasks. Eli led the Whitetail Militia. The militia were a key part of the Resistance in Hope County. Jacob had intended to kill you after you killed Eli, but he had changed his mind. He had called Eli your sacrifice. But he wasn’t. You were a means to an end. The only one in his mind who could kill Eli. What better way to demoralize the Whitetails than to lose their leader, demoralize the Resistance than to have their savior, their leader be the one to pull the trigger.

The real test came with Ryan. Sweet Ryan. Your baby cousin, the son of your aunt, Rae-Rae. You wondered if having you kill Ryan was some sort of sick retribution. You swore you’d die to protect Ryan. He had been holed up safely with some Resistance members after the death of Rae-Rae at the hand of some Peggies who wanted Boomer, their dog.

Ryan was barely a teenager. Where Eli was a sacrifice, Ryan was the true test once Jacob decided he still had a use for you, that your purpose hadn’t just been to demoralize the Whitetail Militia, that you were not as weak as he had thought once Eli was out of the picture. And that was a dangerous thing for you.

“Cull the herd,” Jacob said. You stood, your body not your own. The only thing you saw was a faceless body, almost like a mannequin. A target. You didn’t hear the screams. You didn’t hear Ryan’s happiness at seeing you turn into horror as you turned your gun on him. One shot.

As he hit the ground the red haze receded. Your eyes widened when you saw him. You ran toward him, tears stinging your eyes.

“Good job, pup. I’ll be calling for you soon,” Jacob’s voice came over your radio. You sobbed as you held Ryan, his breathing slowing to a stop.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” you cried, his blood staining your clothes and your hands. You found a shovel by the garage. You had swung by Rae-Rae’s on your way from checking in on the Rye’s. Kim was pregnant and you worried about her, especially when they decided to stay in Hope County. Rae-Rae’s had become a have for you. Your haven now became your hell, a reminder of what you did. You buried Ryan next to his mother, moving a heavy rock to mark it, along with a piece of wood you carved his name into with your knife. Boomer found you there, along with Sharky Boshaw, who was one of your closest allies.

“Shit Dep, what happened?” Sharky asked, kneeling beside you. You just shook your head as he pulled you into a hug.

You knew you could no longer go to the militia after that day. They understood it wasn’t your fault, but you knew your continued association would only put them at risk. Tammy had tried to talk you out of it, mentioning her distant cousin, that despite what had been done to him, he was still a hero. For all the suspicions she’d had about you at the start, Tammy Barnes trusted you, even after everything. But you didn’t trust yourself.

You stopped trying to escape, trying to run. You had learned the consequences after the first few times you attempted escape, attempted to assert yourself. It had taken weeks for the bruises to fade and the injuries to heal. Your accelerated healing could only do so much, especially when you were being starved. No food meant little energy, and it took a lot of energy to heal.

Jacob knew what your powers were and you were always by his side. You hated it, hated him. A few run ins with the Resistance had you healing him, even if it was the last thing you wanted to do. You were determined to make it out of this, no matter the cost. Jacob had you go with a patrol that morning and you took your chance to run after wrestling a weapon away from one of his Chosen, his most trusted soldiers. You found a car that worked and sped off to Rye Aviation.

You felt relief as you saw the familiar sign. You pulled up and parked the car. The sound of you arriving had drawn someone out of the house.

“Dep? Oh my god, Dep it’s really you!” Nick said as he approached the car with a gun drawn. Nick Rye was an ally, a friend. He owned the airfield and provided air support for you, when you weren’t being held captive by the Seeds. You knew it wasn’t a fluke that let you get away. If you had managed to get away, it was because Jacob let you. The realization didn’t sit well with you.

“It’s me. I’m home,” you said softly. You knew you looked beat up and broken. There was no way you didn’t. It seemed like everyone was there. Kim was there, looking like she was going to give birth any day now. Hurk was there with Sharky Boshaw. Sharky. One of your favorite people since everything started. Even if he was a wanted pyromaniac before everything kicked off, he was a useful ally, funny too. Grace Armstrong, the army sniper you’d helped out. Adelaide, who was Hurk’s mom stood with her favored boytoy of the moment.

“Good to see you Rook,” Grace said.

“Good to see you too,” you said. You found yourself pulled into hugs, saying hello to the people you hadn’t seen in so long. You were home.

“Had me real worried for a second amiga,” Sharky said.

“Yeah. I know,” you said, taking a sip of the beer that had been handed to you once everything settled. It may have been the end of the world, but damn, if there wasn’t a stockpile of alcohol to throw a party at the end of it.

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One month later, Upstate New York

The Avengers were gathered in a conference room. Fury had arrived at the compound that morning with an urgent briefing.

“We’ve received word from the US Marshals that one of their agents, Cameron Burke, has been reported missing. He was meant to arrest Joseph Seed six months ago,” Fury said.

“Five months and they haven’t heard from him? Why are they only now doing something about it?” Natasha asked.

“That’s where things get strange. The Marshals received his resignation two days after the arrest was supposed to happen. Burke had been insistent on bringing this Joseph Seed in and then wanted to drop all charges and resign. The Marshals office is such a mess and Seed considered such a low level threat that they brushed it off. Until now. New information has cropped up,” Fury said. The team looked at the information in front of them. Profiles on the brothers, on people associated with the Project.

“Where do we come in?” Steve asked, arms crossed. This didn’t seem like something that warranted the Avengers involvement.

“Records show Hope County has become a dark zone. No communications in or out of the county except by specific encoded communications locations in four different locations. After the Marshals requested the help of the Avengers, we tapped into the communications and we’ve been able to intercept radio traffic. There’s a war going on in that county and Joseph Seed is determined to win it. Project at Eden’s Gate is a doomsday cult with Joseph Seed as their prophet. We have reason to believe he has gotten his hands on weapons of mass destruction with alien origin,” Fury said.

“There’s a catch, there has to be,” Tony said.

“From what we’ve gathered, Joseph’s brothers are his so called heralds, along with a young woman by the name of Rachel Jessop, who now goes by Faith Seed. According to intercepted transmissions, youngest brother John is called the Baptist and is responsible for getting confessions out of converts, whether they’re willing or not. We don’t know what that entails.

Oldest brother Jacob is former army, served in the Gulf War. He runs their defense and we have reason to believe he’s using some kind of mental conditioning.

This so called Faith is manufacturing a potent drug called Bliss. We have no idea what it’s effects are. When you enter the region, you will need to proceed with caution. Radio chatter indicates they have an enhanced individual in the region. They call her Rook. We don’t know much, whether she’s working for the Project or the Resistance. The messages are confusing. But treat this Rook with caution,” Maria said. The team sat in silence, contemplating what they had just been told.

“Do we know if Hydra is involved?” Natasha asked.

“We don’t know for sure. They had to get those weapons from somewhere. If not Hydra then there is another threat we need to be on alert for,” Fury said. The team sat in contemplation for a moment.

“What do we need to prepare for? Do we have a contact?” Steve asked.

“Be prepared for anything. You leave in three hours. We have a contact in the region, Hurk Drubman Junior. He’s a little...rough around the edges but he’ll be able to give you a run down if you can find him,” Maria said. Bucky’s head snapped up. Drubman, why did that name sound so familiar? A photo of the man in question was brought up on the screen. Bucky squinted at it. He cursed under his breath when he made the connection. Of course it was him.

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The Avengers touched down at an airfield. A man greeted them with a gun that he lowered once he saw who they were. He still kept his guard up as the group approached. Steve introduced himself and the team.

“Nick, Nick Rye,” the man said.

“Do you know where we can find Hurk--,” Steve was cut off by the sound of an explosion and laughter.

“Drubman? Yeah, he and his cousin are here. What’re you looking for him for?” Nick asked as they walked toward the house.

“We were told Mr. Drubman would be able to assist us,” Natasha said. She was taking in the surroundings. Smoke rose in the distance as a statue stood smoldering. They were led into the house. It seemed like a party was going on.

“Some might says it’s distasteful to celebrate the death of someone, but they’ve never met those damn Seeds,” Nick said.

“They’re dead?” Natasha asked.

“John is, the so called baptist. Dep killed him today after...anyway, the important thing is that fucker is dead as dead can be and the people he was keepin’ prisoner are free. Joey Hudson is restin’ up. Damn Peggies had her for months,” he said.

“Peggies?” Wanda asked.

“S’what we call members of the Project. Project at Eden’s Gate, PEG, Peggies,” Nick said. The group looked at Steve. Realization seemed to cross Nick’s face.

“Aw hell, your lady back in the 40s was--” Nick started to say before Natasha cut him off.

“Agent Carter was named Peggy yes. And she was a hell of a lot more than the Captain’s lady,” Natasha said.

“Right, right, sorry,” Nick said, looking properly admonished. He led them to where everyone was gathered and made introductions. It was time to plan.

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You excused yourself from the room, feeling overwhelmed by how many people were there. You knew it was only a matter of time before Jacob was going to call you back. He was bound to be furious. You knew when he let you go he didn’t think you’d get that far, didn’t think you’d kill his baby brother. You may have escaped but you knew it was because he let you, a sick game of cat and mouse. You jumped when you heard a floorboard creek on the porch. It was Wanda Maximoff.

“Sorry, I did not realize someone was out here,” she said.

“It’s fine, you’re fine. It was just...overwhelming in there,” you said. She nodded.

“You...you are not okay,” she said.

“My home is under siege by a murderous doomsday cult. I’ve been tortured, shot at, almost killed, and held captive by them and I’m currently engaged in a cat and mouse game with the Project. Yeah. I’d say I’m not okay,” you snapped. You took a breath. She had nothing to do with it. Guilt set in.

“Sorry...I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you,” you said. She touched your arm and you flinched. Touch that wasn’t inflicting pain was something you were adjusting to.

“You are dealing with a lot,” she said. You nodded. The two of you sat in silence for a bit. Your thoughts drifted to that morning. John had crossed the line and you made your final move against him. You had hoped you could subdue him, take him alive, make him face justice for what he’d done. But that wasn’t how things went.

“Face it, Deputy. Joseph is right. You cannot change that,” John taunted over the radio. You were chasing him down in a plane. You knew it was only going to end one way.

“Want to bet?” you asked. You managed to damage the wing of his plane enough that it went careening out of the sky. You hadn’t anticipated him having a parachute. You landed Carmina and took off on foot in the direction you’d seen John descending in. A firefight ensued and he was leaning against a car while sat on the ground.

“I never thought it would go this far, you know,” he said, his breathing labored.

“Is this your deathbed confession?” you asked, your gun trained on him.

“We both know...if you wanted to save me right now...you could Deputy. You’re just...as much of a monster...as I am. At least I acknowledge my sins,” he said.

Wanda sat beside you, a comforting hand on your back, rubbing circles as you lost yourself in your thoughts. You glanced at her.

“What if, what if there are no winners here? What if we’re all just monsters masquerading as heros?” you asked her. She tilted her head to the side.

“You worry about the destruction and pain caused by your hand,” she said. You nodded. She sighed.

“I’ve been there too. If we don’t do what we do, the outcome may be worse than if we do something. It isn’t you’re fault you’re in this position,” she said. You nodded. The two of you sat in silence for a while longer before standing up to go back in the house.

You walked into the house to see an interesting scene. Bucky Barnes and Hurk were stood in opposite corners. Bucky had a gun aimed at Hurk, who just had a wide smile on his face. Clint Barton had a bowl of popcorn he was sharing with Nick, Jess, and Grace. Kim was glaring at both men. Steve had stepped between them while Natasha and Tony seemed to be taking bets on what would happen.

“I knew it! I knew the Winter Soldier was after me!” Hurk yelled. You wondered what you had missed while you were outside talking with Wanda.

“What the hell is going on in here?” you asked. Everyone turned toward you.

“Hurk being Hurk,” Kim said. You sighed.

“Hurk go...blow something up with Sharky. Stop agitating someone who probably knows five hundred different ways to kill you without using a gun,” you snapped. You loved your friends, you did, but god, did they do stupid things sometimes. You smiled a little to yourself. A small shred of normalcy in the chaos.

After getting the Avengers set up and settled, you gathered the Resistance core around the fire outside. The Avengers were surely resting or making their own preparations. You’d be discussing a game plan come morning.

“What’re you thinking Dep?” Nick asked.

“We need a contingency plan. There’s no way Jacob doesn’t call me back. Sooner rather than later. For our sake, I hope it’s before we make any plans with the Avengers. I don’t know what I’m like when I’m under, not fully. I remember bits and pieces,” you said.

“What are you getting at Dep?” Grace asked.

“If it comes down to it, you need to take me out. I won’t be in control. I try to fight it, but it’s hard. I haven’t been able to snap myself out of it,” you told them.

“No, not happening amiga. We’re not killing ya,” Sharky said.

“Sharky. You may not have a choice,” you snapped.

“There’s always a choice!” Jess yelled.

“Would you keep it down? We don’t need to be alerting our guests to our plans here. Not this one,” you said, glaring at her.

“Rook, what you’re asking us to do,” Nick said.

“It’s a sacrifice. I’m a weakness. You need to cull the herd,” you explained.

“Cull the herd? Sacrifice? Weakness? For fucks sake Rook, do you hear yourself? You’re spouting off Jacob’s rhetoric!” Jess said. You ran a hand through your hair and started pacing, unaware of the person listening in to the conversation going on. Bucky Barnes lurked in the shadow, eavesdropping on what was going on. It wasn’t that the Avengers didn’t trust the Resistance. They wanted all the information they could get to plan their attack. They knew there was no keeping the Resistance out of the fight. This was their fight, not the Avengers. They had been the ones keeping hope alive for six months.

“It doesn’t matter. If you don’t take me out...I don’t see people, Jess. I see targets. I see targets I need to take out. I don’t...I can’t hurt you, any of you. And if you don’t take me out the first chance you get if I’m not in control, I will hurt you, or worse kill you,” you said, your voice breaking.

“I’ll do it,” Grace said.

“Grace,” Nick said sharply. She held her hand up.

“I’m the best shot we have. I don’t want to kill Dep. But if we have to take her out. We have to take her out. She’s right. You have all seen and heard what Jacob does to people. Once he hooks his claws into her, getting her back will be damn near impossible if she can’t fight it off,” Grace said.

Later that night when you were patrolling the perimeter when you heard it. The opening of ‘Only You’ before you heard Jacob telling you to return to the Whitetails. You had no choice but to listen, finding another car and driving to where Jacob was waiting.

#far cry 5 fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #wanda maximoff #bucky barnes #natasha romanoff #natasha romanov #far cry 5 reader insert #marvel reader insert #marvel fanfic #far cry 5 fanfic #fc5 fanfiction #fc5 fanfic #fc5 reader insert

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kaekiro · 5 years ago

Note

"wait, my hero's secret identity is you? To be honest I've always kind of hoped..."

Recondite

Pairing: Eren/Mikasa II Rating: T II Words: 2,230 II [AO3]Warnings: Mentions of injuries/blood A/N: This request is from the “right to the good parts” prompt list! I’m SO so sorry it took me a long time to share this. I hope you like it! This is loosely inspired by Spiderman (the newer movies). Here, Eren and Mikasa used to be really good friends as children and drifted apart as they got older. Just to add some awkwardness to their encounter lol.

―

For a city that never truly slept, it was unusually silent on her street. Instead of listening to the blare of sirens or the footsteps of the neighbors living in the apartment above, she became attuned to the whistling wind as it slipped through the gap of her window and gently blew aside her curtains. She was grateful for the rare respite, found that it made it a lot easier to focus on her studies despite how late it was getting to be. But no matter how much she tried to blink away her exhaustion, the lines that made up the lengthy economics chapter eventually began to blur together and strain her eyes. So instead of forcing herself to focus on a subject she couldn’t care less about, she promptly closed the book and stretched, debating if she should work on other assignments. The thought made her yawn and slump her arms on her desk, her head coming to rest upon them a moment later. I’ll work on something else in a minute, she lazily thought, shutting her eyes and resting her head more comfortably on her arm.

It felt like she had rested for only a few minutes before she was startled awake by a loud thump, the force rattling the fire escape just outside her window. Hazy and sleepy, she thought it might’ve been something she dreamt, but she was quickly proven wrong when she heard a strained curse that was too close for comfort. Within a second, she was already standing and backing away from her window, fear gripping her heart and constricting her chest.

Several things raced through her mind as she blindly grasped for something to defend herself with, cursing herself for leaving the window open. I should leave, she thought desperately, nearly tripping over her own feet as she started towards the door. I need to call Levi and --

A figure suddenly collapsed in front of her window with a grunt, coughs racking their body. She flinched, frozen and staring wide-eyed at the person who was struggling to get on their hands and knees. And the little air in her lungs rushed out when he turned his face towards her, the features of it all too familiar even if barely visible. He croaked her name out, the syllables sparse and dry and she rushed over, pulling her window up as high as it could go.

“Eren? What are you doing here?” she whispered harshly, confused and even more worried at his state. “Oh my god — what happened to you?”

“I…” he began, staring up at her almost as if he didn’t know how to answer her question. “I need your help. Please, can I come in?”

Wordlessly, she removed some items from her desk and began helping him over it and into her room, practically carrying him in while he hissed in pain. As gently as she could, she eased him into her chair, looking over what she could see of his injuries. The skin on his knuckles looked like they’ve been scraped raw, blood drying where it split. His face was no better off, bearing cuts that were small but numerous, bruises blooming purple over the edge of his jaw and it appeared as if he had been tossed and dragged with the way his clothes were torn at his chest and legs. It was obvious that he had been in more than just a fight.

“Where… where are you going?”

She doesn't stop in her step, talking over her shoulder. “I’m grabbing the first aid kit.”

He moves to sit more comfortably when she enters the room again and immediately gasps, clutching his ribs as he sinks back down defeatedly, a bead of sweat trailing down his temple. At this, she realizes that his injuries are a lot more serious than just cuts and bruises.

“What happened to you?” she tries again, hoping for an answer but he says nothing, reaching up and wiping at his brow. Why won’t he tell her? If he was in serious trouble, she could help him, or get Levi involved. Or maybe... he wasn’t saying because he didn’t want to get them involved. He’d always been like that, trying to handle everything on his own. And even like this, beaten down and physically unable to stand, she knew it was pointless trying to get that answer out of him. At least for now.

She dampens a cloth with alcohol, carefully dabbing at the cuts littered on his face and hands, apologizing when he flinches at the sting. “Where else are you hurt?”

He closes his eyes, leaning his head back. “Everywhere, it feels like.”

She places gauze over his knuckles and begins to wrap them, using the last of the roll. “Does anything feel broken?”

He moves a free hand over his ribs, grimacing. “Right here... might be fractured.”

“If that’s the case, I need to get you to a hospital.” She rises, ready to gather her belongings to leave but he catches her wrist, his grip surprisingly strong for his condition. “No. No hospitals.”

“What do you mean ‘no’? Eren, you need to see a doctor if you broke your ribs -“

“Fractured –”

“That’s something I can’t just fix for you.”

“There’s no need. It will heal, I just need a little bit of time.”

“You’re not making any sense –”

“Just trust me,” he insists. “It will be fine. I don’t need a doctor.”

They stare each other down, waiting to see if the other will relent. She does eventually, breaking eye contact and continuing to clean his wounds. It’s useless to argue with him. If he’s so against getting professional help, then fine. But she just wants to know why. Though she knew he could be reckless and impulsive, she didn’t think he’d be illogical.

“Where’s Levi?”

She peers up at him with the sudden shift in topic, then breathes a soft sigh. “Working. He won't be back until tomorrow morning.”

“Oh.”

The silence that follows is almost uncomfortable, and he must feel it too because he shifts awkwardly, clearing his throat as she continues to dress what she can of his wounds. He doesn’t look at her until she pushes aside the tangled hair hanging in front of his eyes, exposing the cut on his forehead. She keeps her fingers there, holding the strands back as she finishes cleaning his face and he stares at her, uninhibited, until she speaks up again.

“How long?” she asks. He’d been behaving suspiciously these last few months, running off suddenly, missing the classes they had together, his seat vacant at their team meetings. He never explained what he was doing or where he was going. When she tried, she could never find him or contact him and truthfully, it worried her. She’d been in denial about it when she first recognized him outside her window, but the evidence was so glaringly obvious that she’d have to be an idiot to think otherwise.

“How long…?” he parrots back, confused.

She gives an exasperated look but elaborates anyway. “How long have you been doing... this?” Her hands gesture over his injuries, eyes fixated on the tattered symbol at the center of his chest. Eren sighs in response, head lowering guiltily.

“I didn’t want you to find out this way,” he murmurs, his tone apologetic.

“How was I supposed to find out then? Was I ever supposed to know?”

He says nothing to answer her. Again. Frustrated, she opens her mouth, intending to scold him for ignoring her questions but she never gets to. He stands, albeit slowly, and starts towards the window with the support of her desk.

“If this is too much, I should probably go. Thank you for helping me, Mikasa. I’m sorry for scaring you, and… and for everything else.” He watches her a few seconds longer and then turns away, attempting to climb over her desk and failing miserably. He cringes and kneels over in pain the moment he lifts his foot onto the edge of the desk, slowly sinking to the floor and she eases him down, supporting his back. His small cry of pain is enough to cut the tension in the air, to make her forget her frustration and instead, direct her focus on taking care of him. He was probably having the roughest night of his life, and here she was trying to force answers out of him. They’re both overwhelmed. And they also had time to talk things out later.

“Stay here for tonight, you shouldn’t be moving around too much.”

His brow furrows. “Are you sure about that? What about...” he trails off, wincing. “What about Levi?”

“What about him?”

Eren’s cheeks redden, and he can’t meet her gaze. “Well, um, what if he comes in tomorrow morning and finds me in your room? He might get the wrong idea…”

She catches onto what he's saying and feels her face flushing pink, turning away to hide her embarrassment. “He won’t come in here. Levi usually goes straight to his room to sleep once he gets home after working night shifts. I doubt it’ll be any different in the morning.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah...”

“Well, okay then.”

She sees movement in her peripheral and she looks back, watching as he makes himself comfortable on the floor. “I’ll stay then. I should feel a lot better after I rest a little.” She puts a hand on his shoulder to stop him from laying back and he pauses, questioning her with his expression.

“You can take my bed.”

“What? No, I can’t do that, not after you -”

“I have to stay up anyway. It’s fine.

“Mikasa,” he breathes pleadingly, trying to assure her that he’s fine on the floor but she’s already helping him onto the mattress. She leaves once more to get him some water and a change of clothes, things he graciously accepts. The color in his cheeks returns when she offers to help him change and after some insistence from his part, she turns to give him privacy, shaking her head as she listens to him struggle.

“...Are these Levi’s sweats?”

She turns around and sees him tugging at the cuffs of the pants that reach just before his ankles. A smile pulls at her lips, and she briefly wonders the look Levi would have if he saw Eren and heard what he was implying. “No, they’re mine. Sorry that the pant legs are too short.”

“Oh, no it’s cool. I don’t mind.”

After he finishes the contents of the glass and he’s laying down with a couple more blankets piled on him, she settles back her desk with another uncompleted assignment laid out in front of her. As much as she tries to focus, her mind was still reeling from everything that just happened, and not even the stillness of the night could help as it had earlier. The sudden tug on her sleeve doesn’t help either.

“Hey… are you really upset with me? For, you know, this?

She thought about it for a moment. “Honestly, I wanted to be. Because you were acting weird for so long and I was worried that you got caught up in something shady. I thought that you were throwing your future away, and I wanted to help, but…” she trails off and he nods in understanding, looking guilty again. She sees this and continues. “In a weird way, deep down, I always kinda hoped that it was you behind that mask.”

He peers up at her in disbelief. “You hoped?”

“I didn’t really realize it, but yeah, I did. You are the kind of person who would put yourself at risk for others… like you did for me when we were younger. You’re not fighting for the sake of fighting, but rather to help others. And that’s the person I knew you’d become someday, in some way. I know we aren’t as close as we used to be, but I still care about you a lot Eren. So please… if you’re going to keep doing this, be careful.”

Her eyes, after having drifted off at some point during her explanation, meet his and the emotion shining in them surprises her. His hold on her sleeve tightens. “I can’t promise that nothing will happen to me, but I promise that I’ll do my best to be careful. And even though we drifted apart, I knew I could still trust you. That’s why I’m here. There’s no way I could’ve made it home. Really Mikasa, thank you.”

Unsure how to reply, she simply hums and offers him a smile that he immediately reciprocates.

“You should really take a break from schoolwork, at least every once in a while,” he yawns as he tugs at her sleeve again, lightening the conversation. “You helped us win nationals, you deserve to let loose...”

“I will some time, but not right now.” She gently takes his hand and removes it from her forearm, placing it back at his side. “Get some sleep.”

She glances over at him when he doesn’t reply, and finds him grinning, softly, lazily, his eyes already closed. The sight inspires a feeling she’d long forgotten, warmth flowing in her chest, faintly coloring her cheeks. It’s the last thing she remembers before falling asleep at her desk, school work abandoned.

#eremika #eremika art #writing #requests #alternative-munster #i struggled trying to figure how i wanted to go about this prompt #i really have a hard time with crossovers and even modern aus sometimes #but i like how this one came out and i hope you like it too alternative-munster!#thanks for sending the prompt and for being so patient with me #kaleidoscopes

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ma-sulevin · 5 years ago

Text

The Breakout

Security Captain Riley finally rescues Rush from the Twins for the first time, but seeing him again just brings up feelings and worries she doesn't know how to handle.

This feels new and heavy and intimate, like all the times she’s yanked him out of the fire have been building something she hasn’t felt for anyone ever, like maybe if he tugged her closer for a kiss she’d be okay with it, enjoy it even.

Rating: M (mostly for swearing/violence, full tags on AO3). Thomas Rush/Female Captain. Words: 3,234.

Also on AO3.

---

The dead body at the base of the ladder is… concerning. Riley just stares at it for longer than she intends, at the blood still seeping from the back of the skull where it cracked against the rocks, then leans down to check its pulse. She doesn’t find one, but she’s definitely not the person who killed it. There’s a trail of dead bodies leading from the outside of the mine and into the tunnels that are her responsibility, but this one came from above.

She takes a steadying breath and climbs the ladder. She moves as slow as she dares, hand over hand, staring up at the ceiling as it gets closer, straining to hear what’s happening above over how loud her breathing has become, and just… climbs.

This is her job. She’s dedicated her whole adult life to following Rush from town to town, keeping him safe and helping people rebuild what they lost after the bombs. She remembers what was, barely, remembers smartphones and social media and shampoo designed specific for her hair -- but she wouldn’t go back to all that if it meant giving up Rush.

And she’s sure as hell not going to lose Rush now.

She can hear the fighting before she pops her head over the top of the ladder, stays low as she crawls behind the cupboard, then…

She pops upright, the knife Rush gave her ready in her right hand. He’s already free; the fighting noises she heard weren’t fighting at all, they were him wailing on his captor with a crowbar.

He looks up when he sees her in her peripheral vision, arms lifting to attack, then he relaxes with a slump of his shoulders. “Jesus! God, I thought you were dead.” He drops the crowbar and kneels down, looping his bound hands around the Highwaymen’s neck and using the zip tie handcuffs to strangle him. “I should’ve known you’d come through.”

There are tears in her eyes, and she blinks hard to get rid of them. She’s never felt so relieved in all her goddamn life.

“You came back for me.” The Highwaymen makes one last noise as he dies, then Rush is dropping him to the bloody floor and standing up, moving closer, and she has her knife up to cut through the plastic on his wrists before she knows she’s moving. “You crazy son of a bitch, you came back for me.”

“You’re okay. You’re okay?” She holds him still with her fingers wrapped around his wrist and tucks the knife into its sheath at her thigh. As soon as the blade is safely put away, her free hand is on his cheek, on his jaw, thumb brushing over dirt and blood and bruises, eyes taking stock of every sign of harm she can see through her re-gathering tears.

“Leg hurts like a bitch, but I’m fine.” He catches her wandering hand in his, pulls it so tight to his chest she can feel his heart beating through his jacket. “Hey. You did good, Cap.”

He reinforces his point by cupping her jaw, long fingers wrapping around the back of her neck while his thumb presses by her ear. The touch is grounding, lets that constant coil of anxiety that’s followed her since Rush pushed her off that cliff relax, and she tries to meet his gaze with a smile, but…

Oh.

Rush shakes her a little, grounding her, pulling her back to the moment, and it takes her another heartbeat to realize he’s taking advantage of her silence by looking her over to make sure she’s okay, like she was the one kidnapped and forced to work in a coal mine.

She inhales sharply and gets ready to push him away, build that wall up that started breaking down when he pushed her off that cliff, but there’s a crash from somewhere outside and Rush’s attention snaps that direction. His fingers go slack against her skin and she steps away, starts to pull her pistol out of its holster, then he’s glancing back at her with his trademark stoic expression, though she can see the tinge of panic around the edges.

“We need to go.” When she doesn’t move right away, he prompts her again with a harsh, “Now!”

She jumps into action, following him as he climbs into a modified motorcycle, one with a little trailer and mounted turret gun, following his directions and climbing into the back to man the gun. This puts her in the most danger; she doesn’t care. She’d rather be back here than Rush be in another second of danger, and she’s not going to think about why that is beyond it being her job.

And, yeah, she does her job, and she does it well, killing so many Highwaymen that she loses track as Rush navigates Hope County’s rolling hills. One truck even explodes, and she’s pretty sure a piece of metal lands on her cheek, but she can’t be sure when her adrenaline is running so high. By the time Rush stops, she’s sweated through her undershirt and her hand has a cramp in it from pulling the trigger on the mounted gun, but she still helps him into the back and climbs into the driver’s seat without complaint. He doesn’t need to hear it.

Kim is overjoyed when Riley radios ahead to let her know they’re on the way; Carmina made it back more than an hour ago, and they’ve been waiting to hear an update ever since. The fact that Riley and Rush are heading to Prosperity is something to celebrate, and Riley agrees.

The cheers when they pull up might be a bit much, but Riley won’t argue with the help that comes pouring out of the gates to help support Rush as he stumbles away from the mounted gun and limps toward Prosperity’s gates on a hip she’s sure is dislocated. She’s exhausted, energy drained, her face stinging where that piece of metal definitely landed and burned her skin. Just one more scar to add to the list, one more gained in defense of Rush.

She decides not to tell him.

She is, however, shaking pretty hard by the time Carmina comes back with an old bottle of whiskey for Rush to drink before they reset his hip, fucking trembling noticeably enough that Rush actually passes the bottle to her after he takes his first swallow.

Okay, well, she’s not going to argue with that, especially when the whiskey goes down smoother than anything she’s had before and when passing the bottle back and forth, their fingers brushing together each time, makes something in her chest pinch tight.

Carmina steadies his shoulders as Kim pushes his leg back into socket, and Riley just kneels in the dirt helplessly. She can perform first aid, she’s even pretty good at it, but she can’t stop shaking and now the whiskey is just sort of sitting in her stomach and making it burn and she’s going to be absolutely useless until she can fucking relax.

Rush howls and leaps to his feet when his joint is set, limping several paces away with all three women chasing him before he calms down, even then he tries to keep going, like he’s going to be able to plan anything on however much sleep he’s gotten in the days since the train crashed, but Carmina is there to rein him in before Riley has even started trying to blink the tears from her eyes.

“Hey, come on, man. I’ll show you where you can clean up and get something to eat. Okay?” She grabs Rush by the elbow and he leans into her without even a second of hesitation like he hadn’t just been ready to go at 100, leans against her with his injured side so that she slips her arm around his waist without even thinking about it.

If he notices she’s still shaking, he doesn’t mention it. He doesn’t speak at all, just grunts as they make their way slowly to the communal bathroom where Rush will be able to sit down and wash off days’ worth of dirt and sweat and blood.

It’s a pretty standard setup, not all that different from what they’ve seen in the dozens of other settlements they’ve been to over the west coast, and she eases him down onto a low bench designed to hold towels and clean clothes. Prosperity has a working pump system; he’ll be able to clean himself up from here.

“I’ll go find you some clothes,” she says, and she turns away before he has a chance to say anything.

He grabs her wrist.

“Hey.” She stops, cocks her head to listen, doesn’t turn to face him. “You did good today. I wouldn’t have made it out alive if you hadn’t shown up when you did.”

She turns to face him, and the movement pulls at his grasp until his fingers are on hers. He squeezes gently when she meets his gaze. She draws in a deep breath before she says, “You know I always have your back.”

He blinks at her, then his mouth is curving into a smile as he chuckles and drops her hand. “It’s why I keep you around.”

Her smile is thin. “I’ll come back in a bit. Do you need anything else?”

“Nah. Some food, maybe?” He starts unzipping his jacket, the little keychain Mila made him swaying with the movement. She stares at it for a second, pleased despite everything that the Twins left it alone, and then she nods.

“Yeah, sure.”

She pulls the door closed behind her and makes it halfway to the canteen when the world twists around her. She chokes off a sob and veers off course, heading for the abandoned garage behind Roger’s helipad. She knows the door’s unlocked because she’s seen the oldest Boshaw kid running in here to hide from the younger ones, and as long as she doesn’t run into him before she finds a corner to sit in, it’ll be okay.

Roger calls out to her when she brushes past him, but she doesn’t stop moving until the semi-darkness of the garage envelops her. She has enough energy left in her to make it to the bottom of the stairs and then she sits hard and curls in on herself, burying her face in her arms as she openly sobs.

This is an overreaction. She knows it’s an overreaction, but she can’t stop it, can’t hold the tears back for one more second. This isn’t the first time she’s saved Rush’s life, but it’s the first time he’s been away from her guard for so long since she became the Captain, the first time she really felt like she failed.

He saved her life pushing her off that fucking cliff. It should have been the other way around, it should have been her saving him, her the one at the Twins’ mercy if it should have been either of them.

God, she can still see his face, she can feel the pressure of his fingers when he pushed her, the sickening feeling of falling and not knowing where she would land or if he would survive the next few seconds.

“Hey, Riley, Captain, you’re okay.”

A woman’s voice makes its way through Riley’s sobs, but she can’t bring herself to catch her breath or to even recognize who’s speaking to her. Someone grabs for her hand and she pulls away with a higher-pitched wail, and the offending fingers disappear.

“You’re okay,” the voice says again, quieter but no farther away. “You’re in Prosperity, in Hope County, Montana. You’re safe, Rush is safe, you brought him back.” A pause, then, “Can you hear me?”

Riley nods into her arms.

“Okay. I’m going to count, and you’re going to try to match your breathing to it, okay? Can you breathe in for me? One, two, three…”

Riley breathes along with the voice, does the best she can until her sobs calm into hiccups and she can mostly breathe in and out and sit up to recognize the woman kneeling on the floor in front of her as Mattie, mom of the Boshaw kids and Prosperity staple.

If anyone had to see her like this, Mattie’s probably the best option.

Riley hiccups again and wipes at her face with her sleeves. “Sorry.”

Mattie smiles. “Roger said you came in here, asked me to check on you. Wanna talk about it?”

Riley starts to nod but changes her mind just a second later. “I have to get back to Rush.”

“I didn’t realize you two were together.” Mattie’s not making a move to stand, and Riley doesn’t either, just props her elbows on her knees and sighs.

She doesn’t want Rush to know she’s been crying anyway.

“We’re not.” Mattie blinks like she doesn’t believe her, so she adds, “I’ve just known him for ten years. We’re close, but it’s not… like that. Not, I mean, I didn’t think it was.” She draws in a harsh breath, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes again, the panic starting to come back.

“How did you meet?” Mattie’s voice is loud, purposefully so, and Riley’s distracted for just long enough that her panic dwindles just a bit.

She rubs at her face again. “He came through our town in southern California. I’d been there with my parents since the bombs fell; he set it up so it was more independent, better off.” Talking about this aspect of her relationship with Rush is familiar, soothing, so she just… keeps going when Mattie doesn’t interrupt. “We were doing okay, before, but he really took the time to get to know all of us and he spent weeks helping us build up and plan. By the time he felt like they could move on, we had a defensible perimeter, regular trade with a nearby settlement, irrigation, better gardens. My parents just worshipped the ground he walked on. They didn’t even argue when I wanted to sign up and go with them, so I did, and I haven’t really looked back. We’ve been all up and around the west coast. We sort of thought Hope County would be a good foothold to move east.”

“He sounds like a good man.”

“He is. He’s the best man I know.” She’s sure of that, more than she is of anything else.

“Working together like that really makes a strong bond,” Mattie says, voice gentle. She moves from where she’s kneeling on the floor to sit on the step next to Riley. Their shoulders bump together, and Riley lets it happen. Mattie’s a toucher, and it doesn’t bother her so much now that she’s not hyperventilating. “You love him, you were worried about him, and it all hit you at once when it was safe to let go.”

Actually, now that she’s thinking about it, this is nicer than sitting up by herself. She lets herself lean into the heat of Mattie’s body, rests her head on her shoulder, lets the contact bolster her into saying, “I’ve never, like… I’ve never wanted anyone before. Not like people talk about.”

Mattie makes a little humming noise like she gets it, but Riley’s never met anyone who got it.

“I guess I thought I never would? And maybe if I met someone like me, it would be okay, because everyone else in the Company talks about sex like it’s something they’ll die if they’re not getting, but I’ve just never been interested.” She pauses, considering, chewing on her bottom lip while she thinks about how thirty-two years of her life have led her to this moment, basically cuddling with someone she’s supposed to be protecting while she talks about her lack of sexual attraction to anyone other than her boss.

Her goddamn boss.

“But you want him now?”

“Dunno. Maybe.” She shrugs a little against Mattie’s side. Mattie sways with the movement then bumps back into her. It’s comforting, like having a sister might feel if she’d been so lucky.

Maybe she’s lucky now.

“Listen, you should probably talk all this out with Rush. I dated a guy for a while who was a-spec, and it wasn’t all that different from dating anybody else. We just had to talk about it more. If you’re in love with him, you don’t want anything to happen to either of you before you let him know.”

There’s a word in there Riley doesn’t really understand, and it feels like the whole crux of the conversation hinges on that. She can puzzle out what it means to love Rush vs. to be in love with Rush later, maybe talk to Kim about it instead so Mattie doesn’t think she’s totally hopeless, but right now: “A-spec?”

Mattie twirls a simple band around on her left ring finger. “God, sometimes I forget how old I am. I was a whole-ass adult before the bombs fell. There’s been enough time since then for the bunker babies to be adults too.” She pauses, and Riley waits while she shakes off whatever’s just come over her. “There are a bunch of words to explain types of sexual attraction. I’m bisexual, so I’m attracted to people of multiple genders. It sounds like you’re asexual, but that’s not cut and dry, it’s a spectrum, so: a-spec, includes aromantics too, but it doesn’t sound like that describes you, just the asexual part.”

The name triggers something in Riley’s foggy memory of pre-war times, of googling things late at night in an incognito browser to figure out why she felt like she did.

“ Oh. ” God, finding a word for it is… indescribable.

“Yeah. Rush might know what it means; it didn’t look like he’s that much younger than me.”

“He’s thirty-nine.”

Silence falls between them, but it’s a comfortable one. Riley’s still puzzling through everything, but in the wake of her panic attack, she’s absolutely exhausted. All she really wants to do is go to bed, but first she needs to take a bath, and--

“Shit.” She jumps to her feet and Mattie lets her go, though the concern is clear on her face. “I told him I’d bring him clothes and dinner.”

Mattie’s concern melts away and is replaced by a warm smile and a muffled laugh. “Kim will know where you can find both.”

Her muscles protest when she starts to jog back towards the main house, but she manages to shout out a “Thanks!” over her shoulder at Mattie’s amused form.

This isn’t what she needs right now, but it’s what she wants. She wants the routine of taking care of Rush, even if it looks different today than it does usually; she wants the comfort of having tasks to do so she doesn’t have it sit and be alone with her thoughts.

She’ll have to figure this out soon, like Mattie says, before something happens to one of them. They’ve both had too many close calls since Carmina found them.

Right now, though? Right now she just needs to find Kim.

#thomas rush #captain of security #rush x captain #far cry new dawn #my writing #oc: riley jones

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carmen-berzattos · 5 years ago

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Ok I just wanna say some things about Jane and Raf, and why Raf is my favorite character on the show. (Low key I never use Tumblr so I'm sorry if this post is weird/ formatted wrong- feel free to repost this on your account in a better format if you want haha). Let me know your thoughts! I think people really underestimate the amount of hardship that Rafael has experienced, specifically regarding his family. (Cont.)

To have a (non-biological) dad never truly be proud of you, to have a mom who chose money over you, to learn that your dad isn’t actually your dad and then learn that he was killed, to be constantly worried about your sister- and much, MUCH more is incredibly tough.

Because of all of these things- all Raf EVER wanted was a family. He works so hard to make sure that despite the fact that he didn’t have the family he deserved, he could provide a healthy family for his kids. So reason #1 why I love him is because he has such a great heart, great intentions, and he’s just trying to do the best he can, despite never having a healthy model for how to be a father and how to raise a family.

And side note, I think when we see Raf go into his dark place of drinking and stuff, I think it’s reasonable for people to be critical- but I also think that it makes a lot of sense. He’s got a LOT on his plate, constant pressure that he places on himself to be a good dad, past trauma that he likely hasn’t fully dealt with, and non-consistent support from Jane depending on the part of the show you’re at.

Secondly, one reason I don’t support Jane and Michael is that he perpetually sacrifices his own wants and passions in order to please Jane. I think a lot of people view this as sweet and romantic, but in a healthy relationship, both partners are able to thrive as individuals by going after what they love. The fact that Michael is repeatedly okay with giving up his job for Jane shows that he has to give up a part of himself to be with Jane, and that’s not fair to him.

And Michael just has this chivalrous yet entitled vibe to him that I don’t really like. Like when he was pissed that Jane went on a date after she met him, and that she wasn’t home when he brought her soup. So then he whole ass abused his authority as a police officer by pulling her date over.

Like that whole situation, which was one of the foundational parts of their relationship, was just obnoxious because he acted like he was being selfless by bringing her soup, and a lot of people viewed it as sweet. But in actuality, he wasn’t there out of simple kindness, because if he was he’d drop off the soup and leave. He’s doing all this to win Jane over. He thinks that she must pick him just because he likes her, despite the fact that she also gets to decide for herself what she wants.

But the whole thing of Michael sacrificing his own wants for Jane isn’t the case wth Raf because he, from the start, is Jane’s biggest supporter when it comes to writing. And Raf is pretty honest about his commitment to the hotel, which is what caused problems with their relationship in the beginning- but at least he was true to his own desires.

Then his wants and passions shifted to his kids/ family, and then he worked towards that. And what we see right now, which I’m proud of him for, is him saying that it isn’t fair for him to be dragged along and hurt in the process of Jane trying to figure things out for herself. I respect that she needed to do that, but I applaud Raf for looking out for himself.

I think with the recent episodes what we get to see, is Jane working hard to be the partner Raf deserves- which is great because throughout this ENTIRE show, Raf had tried so so hard to get Jane to choose him. Now Raf must choose Jane, which is an interesting and important shift. Although this is a tough situation, Raf doesn’t feel as powerless and out of control as he’s felt at other points.

Wow, nonnie, let me first and foremost thank you for this incredibly well-thought out thread. I love it so much. And I agree with all of what you said, with the exception of a couple of places, and will simply add on to your points for the most part.

I resonate so much with everything that you said about Rafael. He’s been through so much since the start of the show and it’s like a nonstop shitstorm for him. From his wife cheating on him with his best friend and all the way to the recent development. Not to mention the issue of his cancer earlier on before the show started. It’s been a rough life for Raf. And the problem is that the writers never actually allowed him a break? He doesn’t get to process? Not on-screen anyways and not off-screen either. Rafael’s mental health issue has been reduced to the issue of him sinking into “his dark place” instead of an actual, legitimate issue of depression and potential substance abuse. And that’s what I’ve always begrudged the writers for. Even this season, when they decided to somewhat give him this SL, we still didn’t get to experience it. And I honestly have no idea whether we’re going to be seeing anymore of it or if we were supposed to take that one episode where he was taking anti-depressants as them “dealing” with the issue of his mental health. And honestly, if that’s all we’re getting, then …. *biggest and longest of sighs*.

What you said about him wanting a family is really important, too. I see a lot of people ridiculing Rafael for being insecure about Michael. And I’m like, but that makes total sense that he would feel this way? He has serious, deep-rooted abandonment issues that stem from his earlier family life. His father (adoptive father) treated him as lesser and never quite trusted him or had faith in him. His mother abandoned him for money. And when she returned, she only did so to take advantage of him and take something for her criminal master plan. And then he found out that neither of them were his biological parents and the question becomes: who abandoned him in the first place so he would end up with them. So, yes, Raf has Jane and Petra and Mateo and the twins and the Villanuevas, to an extent, but that doesn’t magically make it so that his abandonment issue are dealt with and he’s all good and dandy. That’s not how it works with deep-seated childhood issues. It might not be ideal of him to react so strongly to Michael’s presence, but his fear of losing the love of his life to Michael, AGAIN, makes total sense to me. I hope he’d reacted differently, but I also get it. This is hard and painful for him and is in line with his character.

And I agree with you that him choosing to remove himself from that situation is also good and healthy for him. I keep seeing people calling him selfish for choosing himself, for closing himself emotionally from a person who hurt him so much. It is besides the point that Jane never intended to hurt him, and that’s important to note, but it’s entirely besides the point. The results of our actions are not always what we intend. Doesn’t mean that they didn’t happen anyways. Such is life. So Rafael deciding that he will not sit around waiting for Jane to make a decision between him and Michael again when it became clear to him that he was not always unflinchingly her choice the way that she has been for him, Rafael deciding that he needs to protect his heart and closing off this part of himself emotionally, deciding that he and Jane are good as coparents but he doesn’t want the romance anymore, is actually a good thing for him, it’s good growth and character development. Because now he’s no longer looking for validation from his relationship with Jane to believe in his self worth. He’s saying, no, this is painful and I don’t want to be in this situation and I need to take care of myself. And him not jumping back into a relationship with Jane the moment she decided that this is what she wants now, him knowing his boundaries and being in tune with his needs and not caving is a good thing for him. This is not something that Rafael would have done a few seasons ago and I’m proud of him for that.

I think for me the main problem with Michael has always been how one-note he feels. His only true defining characteristic is that he loves Jane and that’s that. Everything else about him takes second place to this love that he has for Jane. Which is all good and nice but if I can’t bring myself to care about one half of the ship because they don’t feel real to me, then I can’t bring myself to fully ship them. I still appreciate their scenes and all, but honestly I look at Michael and I’m like, who are you and what do you want out of life other than Jane? Like he went through all this trauma and losing his memories and all he wants now and all he feels is that he loves Jane?????? He doesn’t feel pain???? No resentment that she moved on and is happy????? My brother kept pointing out that there is no way in hell he wouldn’t feel at least a little bit of resentment that Jane is happy and moved on with Rafael of all people. And he’s right. But all Michael can say is I want you to be happy, so much so that it’s frustrating. Human emotions are complex until Michael is concerned and it frustrates me how he is just a cardboard cut of a Perfect Man.

And of course Rafael would look bad in comparison, since he seems to display a wider range of emotions and generally act like a normal human person, but I digress.

I do think the recent shift in dynamic is going to bring a refreshing take on Jane and Rafael’s relationship like it did last episode. I thought seeing Jane as an utter disaster was really interesting and entertaining since we’ve never seen her in this light before. It’s really fun for me to watch this dynamic and I really look forward to seeing where it’ll take us.

Again, thanks so much for such a thoughtful thread, friend. you’re awesome!

#anon #answered #rafael solano #jafael #jane the virgin #Anonymous #only putting this in the jtv tag bc i want it in my blog's tag #for the show #not inviting discourse per se #long post

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boldlygowriting · 5 years ago

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Book Review #1: Aurora Rising

Aurora Rising published in April of 2019 is the first book in the Aurora Cycle series by Amie Kaufman and Jay Kristoff is a sci-fi adventure. The second book of the series is set to be published in 2020. Kristoff describes the book as a “Breakfast Club meets Guardians of the Galaxy YA sci-fi, action, adventure thing.”

Synopsis: The story starts with Aurora Academy Goldenboy, Tyler Jones, the day before the Draft. Since our best boy is well...best boy at this space-bound military academy, he gets first pick of his future space crew. Or he would’ve if he hadn’t gone out in space to calm his nerves and ended up rescuing a girl named Aurora who’s been cryogenically frozen for over 200 years.

Bestboy Jones misses the Draft and ends up with whoever is left over ie. the people no one wants. A space elf with anger management issues, a socially inept, trigger happy genius, and an alien techwiz with a physical disability who doesn’t know how to shut up--known as Kal, Zila and Finian respectively.

Bestboy Jones also has his twin sister, Scarlet, and his best friend, Cat, who definitely doesn’t have a crush on him. (Books words, not mine, okay). Who are also especially good at their respective jobs as diplomat and pilot.

Aurora sneaks aboard their ship during their first mission, murders and a cryptic message from the higher-ups set them up for a journey across the galaxy. The fate of Aurora and the rest of the worlds now in their quirky, all-to-capable hands.

A lot is going on with this book and this is my first book review in this format so bear with me.

The Pros

It’s fun. This book is really fun. Like watching Guardians of the Galaxy, you can have a good, pretty stress-free read of this book with little trouble. While reading this I found myself enjoying the adventure aspect of it, and I think they do it really well.

Easy to follow. The book is action-packed that’s more interested in what’s happening than explaining all of the confusing lore that some sci-fi and fantasy novels can fall into. It’s not bogged down by a lot of space jargon and takes the time to explain the parts that a reader wouldn’t immediately understand. I appreciated that it kept things simple.

Diversity*. Kristoff assured there would be diversity race-wise and in sexual orientation. Which is true. Aurora is half-Irish and half-Asian, Zila is black, and Finian has a physical disability and is either bisexual or pansexual (I’m not exactly sure. I mean, he is an alien so like I don’t know...look, all I know is I’m bi and black, I’ll take the representation where I can get it.).

The humor*. Think about it, 7 eighteen-year-olds stuck on a spaceship together. It’d be impossible for there not to be humor and banter between them. Not all the jokes land and there’s more than enough of nudging and winking in the prose, but there are definitely some chuckle-worthy moments. They also use humor really well when it comes to breaking up tense and heavy moments even if they don’t entirely land.

The romantic subplot. I can’t say who obviously, but they’re pretty cute together. It was cliche, but, I think that by the end it was genuinely sweet and I appreciated the way they went about it by the end. It’ll definitely be expanded on in the following books and that’s what I like the most because it really is a subplot and they’re taking their time with it like a realistic crush turn relationship.

There are some things genuinely done well in this book that made me almost enjoy it, but for every action, there’s an opposite action. Starting off the Cons is my biggest issue with this book.

The Cons

The characters. I’m sure you could tell by my cheeky synopsis, I’m not exactly a huge fan of all the characters. In fact, I downright hated one. (Despite calling Tyler Bestboy all the time, no, it was not him. I just wanted to clarify that).

I could honestly break down every character and talk about why I did or didn’t like them, but I think that’s getting too far into biased opinion. However, even for the ones I did like, they were still flawed...and not in the fun way.

The characters are a huge weak point, part of that reason is that they’re all pretty flat. Flat, in this case, doesn’t exactly mean boring. A flat character is one that stays relatively the same from the beginning of the book to the end, and all seven of the protagonists are pretty flat. Even if it’s the first book of the series, knowing there’s time to develop characters, all seven protagonists shouldn’t be relatively the same by the end.

There’s a lot of potential in most of them, but the time for their development is often rushed by and cut off by action. There are some real, genuine moments, but they mean very little in the overall scheme of things, especially when the team that’s supposed to be a group of misfits never feels like a group of misfits.

The team is played up as a group of outcasts (or half outcasts), but they never feel like it. Both those movies the author compared the book to have a moment where they genuinely bond. There’s no point where the squad bond as a group beyond a few shared chuckles in between intense moments.

The skirmishes and arguments between them don’t really go anywhere and no one’s feelings are genuinely hurt for longer than a few pages, so when they already work pretty well together, I barely noticed any changes in their dynamic. I hope in the future books the authors expand on the group dynamic and the characters themselves because they could be really interesting, if I’m honest.

Most of them had a glimmer of something, but a glimmer wasn’t enough to keep me from realizing they’re just semi-archetypal shells.

This is a side note: this book switches the POV between the seven characters, and honestly, you can’t really tell much of a difference between who’s speaking. If switching POVs is not your bag, I wouldn’t recommend this book for you.

The humor. You know, it’s not so much the humor itself that’s a problem. The humor itself s pretty juvenile, but they’re 18 years old and I have a filthy, sarcastic mind so if you can stand a million sex jokes you’ll be fine. If not then you’re probably not gonna laugh much. The problem with the humor comes in the writing. There’s a lot of ‘winking and nudging’ involved. Finian (alien/techwiz/ can’t shut up), delivers a good portion of the jokes and after he says something, either he, the narrator or another character will comment on it.

I once read when it comes to comedy, a joke isn’t funny if you have to draw attention to it. And if this is your kind of humor it is funny, but a lot of jokes aren’t allowed to stand on their own...making them, well, not funny.

The plot and pacing. I’m not going to write a whole lot about the plot, partially to avoid spoilers. Tthe more I think about this book, the more I realize it’s a straighforward space adventure. The plot is simple because the adventure is what matters, but the fast pace of the book, while engaging, doesn’t spend a lot of time on it. One thing happens, then the next thing happens, and so on.

At one point, I almost got the sense that quiet moments couldn’t last too long without another plot piece falling into place or something terrible would happen. The squad never flounders long despite how often they talk about how in over their head they are and how dangerous everything is.

That might be a whole other gripe, but oh well.

I said it was fun and it was easy to follow, but that’s probably because everything happens so quickly you aren’t allowed to think for very long.

The pacing and plot go hand-in-hand because one bowls over the other and you get what I call the ‘you can infere events.’

These are events that you can infere obviously. In this case, they acquire a lot of items without actually showing how. I’m all for getting to the good stuff, but slowing down to show some things could’ve been a chance to expand on things like worldbuilding and the characters.

The worldbuilding. We’re getting into the minor stuff now if I’m being honest, but it’s a sci-fi story so I felt I couldn’t not write about the worldbuilding, which is a little lackluster. I’m pretty sure one of the planets is a Valerian rip-off. (I know that was harsh).

Diversity. I debated talking about this too. I don’t know anything about the authors but I know readers say they’ve been inclusive in the past. I think they were here too, and maybe I’m spoiled or asking for too much, but I have to get some things off my chest.

First, Zila.

I went back and forth on this a lot, but she kind of suffers from Princess and the Frog syndrome. Essentially, she’s a POC or LGBTQ+ character who is put into the story, but they either a.) don’t matter too much to the story or b.) are basically invisible.

I went back and forth on this because Zila is quiet. She doesn’t speak a lot, she’s an observer. Sometimes I forgot she was in the book. I think having her be quiet and observant works in other character’s POV because no one really understands her. In her own POV it should be a different story.

They opened that door so I have to comment on it. The chapters in her POV are significantly shorter than every other character. If her thoughts aren’t necessary to the story, why have them in there? It felt like she was there because they needed another warm body to advance the plot. I hope in book 2 she gets more than what she got.

Second, the representation. Period.

Tyler, Scarlet and Cat are the three members of the squad that stick together because they have a close bond. They’re not the misfits in this group. They’re also all white and presumably heterosexual as of this book. Zila, Finian and Kal are the outcasts of the group. Having the black girl, non-heterosexual alien with a physical disability, and the space elf with anger managment issues be the weirdos that the golden trio are saddled with doesn’t exactly read well on paper (pun intended).

Third, queerbaiting?

Don’t get your hopes up, I didn’t add the question mark because I think this might change. I added it as a Disclaimer: I’m not the authority on all things rainbow and beyond. Very few things raise my hackles when it comes to media and represenation even though there’s a lot that probably should.

That being said, this might jimmy some people’s johns so I thought I might as well mention it.

We’ve all heard the “why don’t you two just kiss and get it over with line,” (yes, the book uses this line) and I’m kind of over it unless it actually ends in a relationship. Just a warning there kiss between two people of the same gender, and that line was directed at them but I can assure you it’s not going anywhere, it was a one off, and it wasn’t serious. After so much BS from other books, movies and TV shows, I know that’s enough to piss some people off, and if I mentioned Zila and the representation, I had to mention this.

That was weird. So much time is spent making sure you know how attractive every single main character is. Like...a lot. I was genuinely wondering if this would end with some kind of orgy thing. No matter what POV it’s in everyone was drop dead gorgeous with killer dimples and voices like melted chocolate and luxurious push-up bras.

Consensus:

I found this book on the 7th floor of my university library. Why they have a random YA space romp from 2019 up there, who knows? The important question is: Do I regret picking it up?

Well…No and yes.

Let’s just say I’m glad I didn’t shell out the $18.99 plus tax for it. (I’m a broke college student, okay? I get anxious spending $15)

Like I said, I had fun reading this. I laughed. It had me turning pages faster than Aurora can say “Holy cake!”However, this book isn’t clever and it doesn’t have a whole lot of heart, not all books do, but to be a space adventure with misfit characters...if you want to keep people engaged, maybe it should?

Everything is sacrificed for the execution of this quick-paced, adventurous romp. The worldbuilding and lore, the characters, the plot, everything. All of it was obliterated for something quick and momentarily entertaining.

If a quick, substanceless adventure is what you’re looking for (and there’s nothing wrong with that, not every book has to be a nail-biting, bloodbath), you’ll definitely find it in this book.

If you’re looking for a book that’s going to affect you and make you feel like you’re part of “the squad,” you should probably look elsewhere.

TLDR:

Pros:

It’s fun

Easy to follow

The humor*

The diversity*

The romantic subplot

Cons:

The characters

The plot and pacing

The worldbuilding

The humor*

The diversity*

Overall rating: 5.5/10.

#aurora rising #book review #bookblr #goodreads #ya novel review #diversity #character with a disability #woc in science #amie kaufman #jay kristoff

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starswornoaths · 5 years ago

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📔

I wrote these a bit lengthy, so I’m sticking a cut here bc spoilers for 4.5 but I was an indecisive bean and there’s an entry for Serella, Uthengentle, and just because I write him enough that I might as well, one for Aymeric as well! Thank you for the ask! \o/

(edit: OR IT JUST WON’T LET ME ADD A CUT WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT TUMBLR I’M ON THE DESKTOP SITE SO FAIR WARNING SPOILERS FOR 4.5 AFTER THIS EDIT OKAY THANK YOU I’M SO SORRY WTFFFFFF)

Serella:

My name is Serella Arcbane. (her name is underlined)

Not so long ago I would have found it ridiculous that I needed to remind myself what my name is. Given that I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been referred to by my name instead of a title, however, I think I’m allowed. Now that I have another one, however temporary...it seemed a good time to remind myself.

Antecedent...the title carries with it too much pain. Too much loss. The remaining Scions approved of my accepting the title for lack of anyone else with any seniority willing or able to take it. I remind myself that it’s temporary, that the second even one of my companions wakes up, I get to just be the Warrior of Light again.

Just, I say. As if it were an inconsequential thing in itself.

At least then, when I was naught more than the Warrior of Light, I was able to still be Serella. I wasn’t made to isolate myself from everyone I know and love. It hurts, knowing that I had finally found family amongst so many people, so many I hold dear, who now can’t see me, either because they are unable to make the journey or because it would be improper of them to do so.

Ma came to visit me today. Her visit...I don’t know. When she called me by my name...I didn’t even respond to it at first. It was as if I had just...forgotten it. Perhaps I did. Perhaps I will again. She suggested I write it down. Said it’s how she remembers the little things about Da. I don’t know if it’ll help. I wish he was here, too. Of all the things I’ve forgotten, that I can’t remember what he looked like hurts me the most.

I’ve forgotten so many things I took for granted. So many little things about those I love. In writing, I hope I can remember at least a few- or at least, be reminded of them.

Raubahn has this deep belly laugh when I crack jokes with him- and really, he is the one constant patron of my puns, readily exchanging more with me for as long as we both have jokes to spare. Says it’s from years of being a father. I can’t remember how his laugh sounds.

Merlwyb would refuse to admit it- and if she ever catches wind of documentation of it, she’ll throw me to the Sahagin, of that I have no doubt- but I miss her singing. Low and rumbling as thunder, textured like velvet but fills the room like smoke. I’ve forgotten how the tune goes, which is ridiculous. I’ve heard her hum it a thousand times.

Aymeric...gods, for how he haunts my dreams you would think I would remember his smile. I should. I remember the things that made him smile. When I would bring sweets from that one chocolatier in town, or sweets from somewhere I had recently traveled. When I would move his bangs to kiss his forehead. Or sometimes...just when he looked at me.

What shade of blue were his eyes? Were they a deeper shade like the night sky over the Steppe? Or was that the blue of his coat that I’m remembering?

Why am I forgetting everything so quickly?! I have object permanence! It’s only been some moon and a sennight since I last saw everyone! I’m not some geriatric invalid rapidly losing who I am! I’m not some tempered thrall of a primal, adrift in want to serve my master and bereft of all concept of self! I am not-

(The following lines are writ with words made illegible with scribblings of ink and lines frustratedly crossed through them with enough force to nearly tear a hole in the paper. At the bottom, as if in triumph, there are only two more legible sentence:)

I am Serella Arcbane, and no one can take that from me. Not even a god.

Uthengentle:

Visited Ma over coffee this morning. I went fully intending to just say goodbye then and there. Made sense, I figured. We were leaving tomorrow.

I couldn’t say goodbye. I tried, Rhalgr knows I did.

Had written a letter ahead of everything just in case. Only makes sense, given our line of work. Left that instead. Didn’t even have the stomach to say goodbye at the door. I left while she went to make another cup for me. I’ll have to apologize to her later. If we make it back.

...When. When we make it back. No sense in the doom and gloom; we’ve been through such shite before. Doubt this would be the end of it, either, but I can hope.

Ellie’s been having worse episodes with that voice, nearly passing out a time or two from what F’lhaminne told me. I hate I can’t be more help. I wish I could at least understand what she’s going through. All I get is headaches, sometimes a flash of an image, but it never bothers me. Krile suspects that has to do with Serella being more sensitive to aether and the Echo than I am.

I just hope they stop once we leave. They should, right? If we’re going where we’re being called, they have no reason to keep callin’, I’d assume. Or their arseholes, and will do it anyway. Won’t matter. Let ‘em. We’ve got our family to save.

...Well. Some of ‘em. Still feels wrong to abandon everyone on the front lines. We should be there. The closer we get to leaving, the more ill I feel about it. From what Ellie said, she’s not faring much better in that regard. Said Aymeric told her to let them handle this fight, but he’s gotta know without us it could go either way. The man’s not stupid- none of ‘em are. Raubahn promised he’d defend the camp with his last breath...but I don’t want it to come to that.

Riol’s been scouting in Thancred’s place- from what he’s been able to gather, the Garleans are holding their cards to their chest. They have something big planned, and they’re just waiting for the right time to use it. Is that time when we’re out of the picture?

I hate that I don’t know, and I can’t find out before we leave.

I hate even more that we have to leave at all, but it’s clearly not something we have a choice in. Either we go to them, or we’re pulled to them. Better we still have our bodies and our senses and just bite the bullet.

Warned Hilda to up the Watch with the Templars out of Ishgard. Not that she needs that warning; woman’s an unstoppable force already. It could be her and her alone standing at the gate if the Imperials march on Ishgard, and the safe money would still be on Hilda, far as I’m concerned.

I know my friends are capable without me around. I know they don’t need the Warriors of Light to keep them going. Doesn’t mean I don’t just want to be there to protect them- or failing that, die with them- and just fuck off to some far flung wherever.

We’ll be back before we know it. I’ll see to it myself if I have to.

Aymeric:

The battle continues into its fifth week, now. Though we have not lost an ilm to the Imperials, nor have they lost ground to us. Losses on both sides are mounting. We are hitting a breaking point, everyone can sense it. That there is a turning point fast approaching is not in question, but to which side the tide shall turn.

O Halone shield your children from the encroaching dark, I beseech thee.

The Warriors of Light make to leave in search of the Scions. The Alliance had to all but force them into leaving this battle to us, a turning point that came with the fear that (there is a name crossed out) the acting Antecedent had fallen to the same affliction that had claimed the rest. With her restored, however, they yet have hope to find those whose souls have been set adrift from this star. I only hope their path leads to victory, and then to home.

(the remainder of the entry is written in a different ink, presumably at a later point in time. The letters are splotched in places with drops of water.)

I nearly lost her. When Estinien laid her lifeless body in front of me, I feared the worst. We bore her to Ishgard with the full expectation that she would not wake. By the Fury, but when she did...

We are...no longer courting. I remind myself of this every time I am made to respond to one of her missives. That we are only separated by temporary obligation is beside the point: whatever relief I might have felt, whatever ache I carry in my chest will have to stay there, so long as she holds the title of Antecedent.

Only for now. Another reminder to myself.

She yet shields me, even now, so far from the battlefield as she is made to be. Her promise still sits upon my hand. It shall do so unto death, and longer yet. I have already requested she not be allowed to take the ring from my finger. I have no need to be freed from it in Halone’s halls; regardless of her own heart, if I am the first to fall, then I will wait. I had long since decided thus, even before we were betrothed.

I only wish I had not been so reserved with her for so long. I should have made more time for her. I swore to her I would never take her for granted and yet to dwell on our courtship, I always took her return as given. Now...now I only pray, and continue to fight that I might live to see her return.

(there are entire swaths of sentences scratched out, only some words such as, “promise,” “love,” and, “forgive,” are barely legible)

She must return. I know not what to do without her otherwise.

O Halone guide my beloved home in victory.

#chysgoda #thank you for the ask!#why yes I'm still on this feels train!#spoilers for 4.5 #ffxiv rp ask meme #Serella Arcbane #Uthengentle Arcbane #Aymeric de Borel

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bubblegumfiles · 6 years ago

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Week 2 Food Diary/Workout Log

And other random thoughts

Day 8 - May 8, 2019

I left home hungry and felt like I was starving by the time I left work. I was very tempted to eat a spoonful of buttered white rice in the fridge even though I had a whole beets, black beans, and broccoli meal planned out in my head. But I didn’t. I chose not to. Instead, I ate a can of sardines and it’s quelled me significantly.

Made it to the gym. I chose to start with an arm day since I tend to be self conscious about my bat wings when I’m wearing short sleeves.

I did 30 lbs on the first three machines and 40 lbs on the last one, two rounds of 15,10,10 reps on each with short breaks between each set. I didn’t break a sweat anywhere except a light misting of perspiration on my neck, which is very unusual for me. I sweat easily. Maybe I didn’t challenge myself enough? Come to think of it, there wasn’t much burn either. Perhaps by some blessed miracle or cosmic joke there is some strength under all this flab. If I am not sore tomorrow, I will increase the number of reps. If I am, I’ll repeat the same thing again. Not too shabby for the first day in the gym.

2 cups of broccoli, 1 cup of beets, and 1/2 cup of black beans was the next meal. Or the only meal so far I suppose. The thing is I am hungry but I’m also a bit irritated so I don’t feel like doing anything, especially not cooking. My family is eating differently and the smell of hamburger meat is permeating the house right now, but I don’t feel tempted to eat it, even with being hungry. I think I feel let down because my mom said we’d go walking together at 6 and I was genuinely looking forward to going. If I’d known she’d change her mind, I would have gone earlier or gotten some cardio in at the gym this morning. Today is my dad’s birthday and I think mama thought we’d go out to eat today. She seems kinda tired though. I’m taking daddy out on Saturday but the place I’m taking him doesn’t have healthy options so I’m just going to eat at home first. I’m feeling sleepy and irritable even though I slept roughly 6 hours, give or take. I’m sitting at 419 on the calorie intake so maybe that’s why I’m feeling a bit frustrated and sleepy. Add that to disappointment and I guess I get where my mood is stemming from. I don’t want to be too hungry at work but it looks like I might end up that way. It’s the stupid anxiety again.

After a nap I felt a little less anxious and by the time I got to the parking lot at work and ate some beans, beets, and a few pineapple chunks, I was feeling better. By the time work is over, it’ll be another day survived. That sounds super good to me.

Day 9 - May 9, 2019

Saw Auntie Sherion at work and she gave me an apple and when I got to the car I chugged some water and had a few more pineapple chunks. The water distended my stomach enough to not feel super hungry during the drive home, which was lovely.

Threw all of these lovely things in a skillet and hit it with some paprika, black pepper, a little sea salt, a little parsley (I have no idea what this actually goes on), and a tablespoon of teriyaki sauce. Did I mention I’m not a cook? I’m sure it’s obvious to my tastebuds. I overdid it on the pepper. I also over cooked the vegetables which made me a bit sad but whatever. There’s always next time. A serving size of cashews did manage to improve my mood though.

Made it to the gym later than I wanted since it was raining when I got off work but I made it. Did 45 minutes on the treadmill at 3.1 speed and between 2.5 and 3 incline. I wanted to do more but Tiff was in distress and while it was easy to hold the phone and walk on the treadmill, I couldn’t do it with the weights so I called it a day. I still felt satisfied because I made it though.

My last meal of the day was really satisfying. 2 red potatoes, broccoli and sardines. Even though I ended up hungry about 2.5 hours later, it was nice not to feel that odd teeny tiny ghost of hunger immediately after a meal that tends to happen continuously these days. I’m not sure if it’s because of the calorie deficit or if it’s because I’m still not getting enough nutrients. Guess I’ll have to look into it later.

Day 10 - May 10, 2019

I ate 2 jolly rancher hard candies at work. When I got home I had eggs, broccoli, and cucumber and tomato.

Did an hour at the gym by accident, which really tickled me. Repeated the same arm exercises from Day 8 (reps and weight included) and decided to get on the treadmill since my feet didn’t hurt. For 15 minutes I did 3.0 incline at 3.0 pace, 15 more minutes and no incline at 3.0 pace, and a 5 minute cool down. I’m starting to believe my theory about healthy food and my brain is right because when I walked in the gym, I felt anxious and embarrassed because there were people there (didn’t expect that) but I was able to regulate my feelings and redirect my focus, so much so that I ended up staying longer than intended! It felt nice to be able to self soothe in a positive way.

Also...I have ankles?!?! Apparently I hold fluid there and have been my whole existence only to find out after attempting to stay properly hydrated that I don’t just go from leg to foot. Who knew? 😳

Next was brown rice, quinoa, sweet peppers and onion. I love eating this. It’s tasty and if I drink enough water with it, it takes away the hungry feeling for a little while.

Some things that are worthy of note: I finally drank a gallon of water in a day and I went to a prom send off with yummy food and stuck to eating fruits and veggies! Omg it smelled to lovely but I know what I want for my mind. The bit that the fog has lifted has provided tremendous relief without the weird emotional blockage that I felt with my medication. Because I’m still feeling the emotions, but it’s like now my brain has the ability to reframe it and the energy to process it. That’s the best way to describe it. It feels...amazing.

Day 11 - May 11, 2019

Had 3 grapes at work. They were so juicy!! Got home and made oatmeal and eggs. No fruit in the oatmeal this time but it did have honey and cinnamon. Also ended up eating a can of sardines too.

I woke up really hungry and decided on a Subway salad but was only a few bites in when it was time to go to daddy’s birthday lunch at Bluff City Crab. Their food is amazing so I may sit in the car to finish my salad before being tempted by the deliciousness. It’s seafood, sure, but how do I calculate the calories in the butter and secret seasonings and sauces or whatever? What if I go overboard on eating but undershoot the calorie intake? I don’t wanna risk it.

Snacked on an apple and it didn’t make my heart start fluttering. Had rice and sardines as the last meal.

No exercise today. I think I feel bad about it. I feel bad in general. Like I wanna cry bad. Not only did I not exercise but today I think I let myself get too hungry so I’m cranky. The biggest reason I didn’t get to exercise is because my free time went to other people. At the time it felt nice to give it but in retrospect maybe I shouldn’t have? I don’t know. I tasted a spoonful of rotel dip but ended up spitting the meat out. I even popped a mini snickers open and started chewing it but it tasted funny so I spit all of it out too. I’d like some different foods now I guess, but I can’t tell if I genuinely want it or I want it because I feel stressed all of a sudden. Holidays do that to me, especially when I’m not sure my mom will like her gift. We’re also supposed to go out to eat at Chow Time for Mother’s Day tomorrow. They have vegetables that I can eat but I really don’t want to go. I guess I’m tired of going out somewhere that has different food options from what I’m choosing to eat right now and not having a good vegetable option to choose from but spending my money on it anyway. I don’t have that problem if I’m not social or when I keep to myself. Only when I try to interact with people more. Every time I end up cutting a piece of my desires to please someone else.

I felt ugly today too. Like the gross kind. That’s when I lost my footing on my emotional state. Right now I want to go have some rotel and Doritos. Should I? Will I binge later if I don’t? Will I fall off the wagon and go back to eating the way I used to if I do? I wish the gym hadn’t closed early without notice. That was the beginning of the emotional spiral. I’d given to everyone else all morning but the moment I went to give something to myself, I wasn’t able. And now I feel a little low. *sigh*

Day 12 - May 12, 2019

Today I ate an unmeasured amount of white rice (probably about 2 serving sizes worth), a can of sardines, and a fourth of a red circle b smoked sausage. Didn’t care for the meat much. No gym again.

Day 13 - May 13, 2019

No food. Went to the gym at 5 A.M. and did 45 minutes on the treadmill. I alternated between 3.0 incline/3.0 speed and 0.0 incline/3.3 speed. Felt relaxed and mellow afterward which was lovely. Also got a gallon of water down.

Day 14 - May 14, 2019

No food. Did some exercise before work. Arms and treadmill on the hills setting. According to the machine I burned 407 calories in 45 minutes. Did another gallon. I feel like I need more water though.

#food journal #meal prep #meal plan #healthy meals #week 2 #day 8 - 14 #healthy diet #fruits and veggies #workout #exercise #cardio #resistance training #gym

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ase-trollplays · 6 years ago

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Behind Closed Doors

“Hm? Awake already? I was hoping you would be unconscious just a little bit longer. I’m not finished setting up all my tools yet. I suppose I could just as easily put you back under, but I don’t want to be waiting for you to wake up, so you’ll just have to watch.

“Don’t bother struggling; you’re tied down quite firmly. All you’re going to accomplish is giving yourself bruises. I’m going to talk you through everything; it gets dreadfully boring doing this in silence.

“Now, I imagine you have a few questions for me. Everyone who wakes up here always does, and they’re always the same, so I won’t bother ungagging you so you can ask. I’ll just go ahead and answer for you.

“Who I am doesn’t matter. Just know that I am the last person you’ll ever see. You’re in my hive in a room I reserve specifically for the ritual sacrifice of trolls such as yourself. I usually try to get trolls younger than you since they have the most to offer, but I suppose you’re good enough. You’re only, what, eight sweeps? That’s still fairly young. And you’re teal, so you have a decent enough lifespan for me to take.

“As for why I’m doing this? This body of mine requires sacrifice. This body has a tendency to very painfully and traumatically destabilize, and by stealing the vitality of others, I can remain stable. Plus, the more I take, the more my own lifespan increases and my soul strengthens. I’ll likely outlive Her Imperious Condescension.

“Why am I bothering to tell you all of this? Because it’s of no consequence. You won’t live to tell another soul any of what I’ve told you. Tied down to my bloodstained table will be your final resting place.

“There we are; everything’s nice and ready for you. Now the only question is whether or not I should blindfold you. Not being able to see what I’m about to do to you adds a nice bit of suspense, and the anticipation and paranoia that comes with not knowing what will happen next adds a nice touch. However, seeing yourself getting mutilated -- Watching the blood pour from your wounds and being unable to help yourself -- is equally effective.

“I suppose I’ll let you choose. Do you want to see what’s coming or not? You don’t? Then I’ll forego the blindfold. I never said I’d do what you wanted. I like seeing the fear and pain in my sacrifices’ eyes anyway.

“If it helps, the pain won’t start immediately. I have to draw the proper runes, symbols, and sigils first to ensure I’m able to take your lifespan, otherwise I get nothing from this. If anything, this will probably tickle quite a bit, but try to keep still. I hate having to redraw them.

“Now that those are done, the real torture can begin. This syringe I’m injecting you with is filled with a special concoction I was blessed with the knowledge to make. It overstimulates the nerve endings, making the body hypersensitive to sensations. I can see you writhing already; that initial discomfort is from feeling the air upon your skin. Next, you’ll be able to feel things such as the blood pulsing through your veins, the hairs on your body standing on end, and even your organs resting against each other. It’s a very uncanny, disconcerting feeling being so keenly aware of your body, isn’t it?

“As I’ve learned from past failures, this overstimulation could lead to catastrophic sensory overload and send you into shock before succumbing to unconsciousness. I can’t have that happening to you; I need you conscious to feel everything I intend to do, so I’ve hooked you up to an IV of special chemicals to keep you awake and aware. Just think of it like an anti-sedative.

“Now, this first incision is going to be right down your left arm. It’s just a light cut barely breaking the skin, but I imagine to you it feels like I’m digging straight into your arm with a butchering knife. Now I’m going to cut your right arm.

“Crying already? I’ve only just started. I haven’t even sliced down your legs yet. Really, this situation is your own doing. Young trolls should know better than to be so trusting of adults. Just because I helped you doesn’t mean I wouldn’t also hurt you. Didn’t you find it odd that someone like me showed interest in you?

“Now then, onto your legs. Can you feel how slowly and rhythmically I’m going? You can close your eyes all you want; it won’t block out the agonizingly slow, painful feeling of blade cutting through skin. I can only imagine how discomforting it is feeling your own blood spill from your wounds and down your skin in such great detail.

“Oh, silly me, I completely forgot to brand the symbols I drew. I don’t want your blood washing them away, after all. Be a dear and wait patiently while I get my wood burner.

“Where to begin, where to begin~ I think I’ll start right here on your chest. I have to move extra slowly and carefully so I don’t make any mistakes. I’m sure you understand. Just remember what I said about staying still~ I’ll make your experience so much worse than you can imagine if you cause me to botch one of these sigils.

“If you keep convulsing like that, it’ll take me longer to make the brands. I would think you’d want this to be over as quickly as possible, but instead you’re prolonging your suffering by not letting me work. I guess you just want to make this take longer than it has to. That works just fine for me; I have all night to do this.

“Are you done? Good, now I can get back to work. You can scream and sob all you want as long as you keep still. And just to make sure you keep still, I have a little something else to inject you with. It’s a serum made from blowfish venom to paralyze you. You’ll still be fully aware of everything going on, but you’ll be unable to move. Had I been thinking clearly, I would have given you this before I started, but we all make mistakes.

“Can you feel the fluids mixing with your blood? It must feel awful with your hypersensitivity. Just think of it this way: Perhaps The Diviner will see fit to share his knowledge with you. You won’t live to put any of it to use, but you should still cherish the honor.

“There, now all the brands are done. That wasn’t so hard, was it? Once you stopped moving, it was so easy to trace the markings. I will say, though, I don’t think I’ll ever care for the scent of burning flesh. The sight of charred and blistering skin doesn’t much appeal to me either.

“What does appeal to me, however, is seeing the insides of people. Tell me, have you ever wondered what your organs look like? Of course you have. Luckily you have me to show you. It’s really rather amazing. Although everyone has the same general organs, each one looks unique.

“I’m just going to make some quick incisions and... There we are. Which one do you want to see first? Your stomach? Or perhaps your intestines? Oh, what have we here. You still have your appendix. Why don’t I go ahead and remove that for you. I’ll try to keep my cuts as clean as possible, but with how much you’re bleeding, it’s hard to see exactly what I’m doing.

“Isn’t it fascinating? Your appendix has an unusual curvature to it. It’s like a bloody, fleshy croissant, don’t you think? And here, just look at your stomach; it has a pupation mark! Let me place it right in your face so you can see for yourself. Do you see it? Your gall bladder has a similar mark. And your heart’s beating so fast, it looks ready to break from your ribcage. You’d love to see your heart and your lungs, right? Of course. Just give me a moment to fetch the electric bonesaw so I can open up those ribs.

“Oh dear, how unfortunate. The blade is completely worn down. I’ll have to replace it right away. I must have a spare blade somewhere, but I’d hate to leave you. I suppose I’ll show you mercy and give you a break while I search for a replacement blade.

“Naturally, I need to take what I’ve earned for torturing you this much. You’ll feel a slight pain, like every atom of your being is being torn apart, but it’ll only last for a few moments. Afterwards I’ll heal you a bit just to be sure you don’t die before I come back.

“There, that should keep you stabilized. Of course, I don’t know why I’m still telling you any of this. By now, the pain has completely consumed your every thought. I doubt you even know I’m still talking. I just like hearing the sound of my own voice, I guess.

“Lazaro will keep you company until I get back. Try not to die before then~”

#things to read #Allmah Liftir #Not sure how I feel about this but here it is

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componentplanet · 5 years ago

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The AMD 3990X Pre-Review and Overclocking World Record Attempt

AMD at CES in Las Vegas, Nevada, Monday, January 6, 2020. (Photography by PaulSakuma.com Photography)

Today, AMD is launching their Ryzen Threadripper 3990X — a 64-core CPU with a base clock of 2.9GHz, a boost clock of 4.3GHz, and a 256MB L3 cache. Originally, our plan was to present a deep-dive review on the CPU, briefly discuss the overclocking project, and follow up with an in-depth article on the overclocking component on Monday.

Unfortunately, a family emergency has yanked me away from the keyboard and that plan is going to need some modification. While I’ve got most of the data I needed for the review, I need some time to pull it together. Instead of burying you in charts and graphs, I’m going to talk a little about this CPU, what I’ve seen, and what I think it means.

First, here’s a little something to whet your appetite:

Stock score on the 3990X: 25,394. The 3970X scores 17,286. At all-core 4GHz, the 3990X is 1.21x faster than stock and 1.81x faster than the 3970X.

As of February 6th, 2020, that’s the highest single-socket Cinebench R20 score in the world, according to HWBot. It’s the fourth-highest Cinebench R20 score overall. I achieved it using an Asus Zenith II Extreme motherboard and AMD’s Ryzen Threadripper 3990X at an all-core locked clock of 4GHz on 64 cores. That’s 256GHz altogether, or 0.256THz. While it obviously doesn’t scale the way a 0.256THz single-core CPU would, that’s how fast the CPU is running, in aggregate.

If all goes well, I’ll break that record and formally log the results over the weekend, then talk about the OC project on Monday. I will say this, though — the power and current challenges of operating at a high all-core clock across this many CPUs are formidable. I do not know what the highest clock I can achieve in stable operation is. I hope to answer that question this weekend.

So. With that teaser out of the way, let’s talk about the 3990X and its performance and positioning at stock configurations.

What the 3990X Brings to the Table

The first and most important thing to understand about the 3990X is that this is not a CPU for everyone. The vast majority of applications are not designed to scale this high. Windows itself is not designed to scale this high. Microsoft’s support for more than 64 threads in Windows is a bit of a kludge.

Since Windows Server 2008, Microsoft deals with systems with more than 64 threads in a specific fashion: by creating processor groups. Each group contains up to 64 logical processors (a Hyper-Threading core and a physical core are treated identically), though Microsoft does employ spatial locality awareness to keep a logical core and a physical core part of the same processor group when possible. What this means, however, is that by default, applications can only use 50 percent of the 3990X’s 128 threads. (You can read more on this topic at Bitsum here.) There are ways to get around it — applications can implement their own schedulers that take better advantage of a large-core CPU.

What this means, in aggregate, is that Linux often offers better scaling for the 3990X than Windows does. Rob Williams at Techgage has done a great deal of Linux testing and I’d recommend his article if you want a specific comparison of scaling in this area.

Under Windows, the 3990X shows significant performance uplifts over the 3970X in several areas. Rendering is easily the CPU’s biggest winning category; a number of rendering engines show uplift over the 3990X ranging from 1.3x to 1.6x depending on the application. One of the steps I took for this review was to buy access to the Blender Cloud in order to test some of the professional-quality scenes provided in that system. The more than 30 render tests I ran in Blender alone confirmed that users of this application can look forward to strong scaling, though the exact amount depends on the type of scene. We’ll also examine how the 3990X and the 3970X compare when running multiple workloads simultaneously.

Because Microsoft’s threading engine can’t support more than 64 threads by default, there are a handful of instances where turning SMT off on the 3990X improves performance. We’ll examine those as well and discuss whether there’s a case for the CPU as a 64C/64T chip compared to the 3970X. We’ll include performance figures for Cascade Lake and the 10980XE, not because Intel is directly competing against the 3990X with that chip, but because it’s important to put the best representative figures in that we can, and Intel is currently making its own argument at the $1,000 price point. There are a few tests where the 10980XE pulls ahead, core counts notwithstanding. With a chip this expensive, I wanted to explore the nooks and corners of the performance world.

One reason that this review will take a bit longer to pull together is that I’m also working with different benchmarks than we’ve used before. Applications like Agisoft Metashape, Pix4D, Da Vinci Resolve, and Maya 2020 (with a CPU-stretching benchmark created by Antonio Bosi), plus a heck of a lot of Blending. We’ve got applications where the 3990X proves its own value (if you play in this kind of professional market, at least), and yes, tests that demonstrate you’d really be better off with a 3970X.

We’ll also have more overclocked benchmark results and, if things go my way, a few higher scores to crow about. It’ll be worth the wait.

First Conclusions

I’m going to keep some of my thoughts back for the actual review, but I’ll say this here: The 3990X is a very exciting CPU, even if it isn’t a chip that it makes sense for most people to buy.

Testing this chip reminded me that there was a time when we waited on operating systems and applications to be able to take advantage of CPU features.

The first iteration of Hyper-Threading only worked properly if you ran either XP SP1 (SP1 itself was still fairly new) or had installed SP4 for Windows 2000. We waited on applications to add SSE2 support for the Pentium 4. We waited for a 64-bit Windows and native applications, just as we waited for 32-bit apps and OS support in an earlier era. Now, thanks to the 3990X, we’re waiting for Microsoft to improve how it handles high core-count CPUs.

The Difference in Approach Between AMD and Intel

AMD, to be clear, isn’t the first company to run into this problem with Windows. All of Intel’s high core count CPUs encounter the same issue. Intel, however, has kept its core counts much lower and its price-per-core much higher. The Xeon-W line, which is intended for workstations, scales up to 28 cores in a single socket but offers no dual-socket compatibility. I checked prices at Dell — a dual Xeon Gold 6252 workstation (24C/48T, 2.1GHz base, 3.7GHz Turbo) starts at $10,138. The same system with a Xeon Bronze CPU starts at $1579. That’s an $8559 upgrade fee for two CPUs that offer just 75 percent of the Threadripper 3990X’s core count, at more than twice its base cost.

These price cuts should drive higher core-count CPUs into more professional markets, which will, in turn, encourage Microsoft and Linux developers to better support them.

Finally — because the workstation market doesn’t just respond to core count — we’ll also be examining some performance cases where Cascade Lake remains a better option. Applications that don’t scale particularly well with core count sometimes run significantly better on Intel hardware. I’ll tell you upfront that Cascade Lake does win a few tests against the 3990X. That’s why it’s important to understand the various characteristics of the CPU before buying it.

I regret that I didn’t have the full review finished in time for you to read it this morning. I hope that what I’ve laid out here in my version of a “Coming Soon” gives you something to look forward to — and a fair look at what my thoughts on the CPU are, even if I need a few more days to finish the project.

Now Read:

Intel, AMD Both Claim Wins Based on New Market Share Data

Rumor: Intel Prepping Xeon Cascade Lake Refresh to Fight AMD Epyc

8-Core x86 CPU From China Goes Up for Sale

from ExtremeTechExtremeTech https://www.extremetech.com/extreme/305905-the-amd-3990x-pre-review-and-overclocking-world-record-attempt from Blogger http://componentplanet.blogspot.com/2020/02/the-amd-3990x-pre-review-and.html

#The AMD 3990X Pre-Review and Overclocking World Record Attempt

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pfeilxbogen · 7 years ago

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Companion Sheet - Basic

How they are recruited:

He can be recruited into the inner circle quite easily. Leliana will tell the Inquisitor that one of her men might be more useful on the front lines than in the shadows, and tell the Inquisitor that her Agent would be to be found in the training grounds. The Inquisitor can chose to look for him. Magnus will say he’d rather stay a simple scout, but if Sister Nightingale and the Inquisitor want him to join the inner circle he will. Travelyans might know him from before, after all he was Nobility too, growing up going to the important gatherings with his father etc.

Where they are in Skyhold: Training Grounds

Things they Generally Approve of: Killing the Undead, Humor, Puns, logical decisions over heart decisions, understanding

Things they Generally Disapprove of: selfish decisions that will hurt a greater amount of people, tear-eye-answers, decisions only done based on the race/class of yourself and/or the other party,

Mages, Templars, Other?: The people in between. Mages tend to not realize how powerful they are, or do and use it for their own gain, like any other person. Hurting normal, simple people that way. ((See Tevinter, some psycho Mages in Kirkwall, The Lake Calenhad circle etc) But he also knows the Order is corrupted, and Templars have too much power over Mages. He’d rather find a middle way. But in the game would prefer siding with the Templars.

Friends in the Inquisition: Travelyan Inquisitors, I think he and Bull could hit it off after a while, Cassandra and him through training, Cullen too.., Leliana of course, tho she is more his boss. And Josephine. I’d love to add Dorian. but I have no idea how he’d react to his general flirty attitude etc.. Magnus is so deep in the closet, and while he’d admire Dorian he’d also be.. a bit reserved…

Romanceable?: Yes, all races/genders/classes(some will have it harder tho)

Small side mission: A war room only mission. Soldiers from Ansburg disappear, reappearing as ones for Corypheus. He wants to know what is happening, and a quest chain will give hints. Though it’s best to use Leliana for all three of the small missions since she will find out more secretly.

He’ll ask you to be stealthy about it, it will need much longer tho. If you chose to go the fast way with Cullen or Josephine, it’ll lead to the death of good friends of Magnus’

In the end, they’ll find out that someone powerful in Ansburg is betraying his men for more money and power to themselves.

Since the findings were rather public if you use Cullen or Josephine, Ansburg will send letters that they found the culprits and executed them. Weirdly all loyal friends of Magnus’. So no one in the Inquisition believes the right ones were killed.

After that, one will be able to talk to Magnus and tell them what they find out, and there will already be dialogue options that can influence Magnus’ Ending.

Suggest that he’ll become the next Margrave, if romanced he’ll tell you that he’ll have a Fiancee and might be unable to keep the relationship up between them. And the Inquisitor can either say they’ll fight for him and would be able to handle being the love on the side. Be all teary-eyed and whine and ask him to not break up even when the time comes. Or just say they’d break it up already there and then. “1. You won’t get rid of me that easily!” “2. Please don’t ever leave me.” and “3.Well maybe it’s best of all we break already up right now”

If not romanced he’ll mainly say he is scared of a leading position and the Inquisitor can either accept that or tell him to man up, that he already did so much for the Inquisition, made friends etc.. and that they find him to be a good leader. (also the Inquisitor can call him a loser and put him down, which might also have an opposite effect than intended)

Companion quest:

Magnus and the Inquisitor talk at a later point about how they should help Ansburg. In that moment Leliana will step towards them, her face serious, and give silently a letter to Magnus. He’ll frown, confused but take the letter and start reading, already dreading the worst as he sees Ansburg’s seal. He reads it once, twice over and over. He is in a total shock state it seems. The Inquisitor can ask him what is up, or just place a hand on his shoulder, making him look up at the other two. “My father is dead…” he just says. There is a cut there, and they’ll stand before the war-table, with the other advisers. Since he didn’t choose an heir before his death someone else needs to. His brothers already demand the position, and the Inquisition is asked to help to make the right choice. Of course, the Advisers, or maybe the Inquisitor themselves suggest Magnus himself. At this point, he either claims that he wants to take the title and position(if hardened/trusted) or he’ll say he first wants to look into the situation first.. and they still don’t know which one of the nobles/or his siblings betrayed their soldiers.

A new place is unlocked on the map. “Ansburg” and the Party can now travel there.

The quest from here on reminds a lot of Halamshiral.. kind of a murder mystery, hunting for hints while not too openly showing that you mistrust his siblings, that you know about the ties to Corypheus.

Anne his youngest sister will tell the Inquisitor that Magnus is the best choice for Margrave also. His oldest brother seems to not really care. But Ilias will demand to become Margrave himself, and that very vehemently. If not Leliana was used in the small companion quest before he’ll know that the Inquisition knows too much and it all might lead to more dead people.

Follow all the leads, find the evidence for Ilias being the one that betrayed them all for more power, be stealthy about it. And you can put Ilias into chains and bring him for judgment to Skyhold. (more difficult if one was not using Leliana in the small quest chain)

If you are too brash, not stealthy, and too openly against Ilias there might be more deaths. Ilias will take Anne as a hostage, blade against her throat, yelling at everyone that no one ever took him seriously. Only loved the cute little sister, or the oh so perfect half-brother. That no one, ever saw him.. that only Corypheus was listening, saw a leader in him where no one else saw something. The Inquisitor can then talk him down. Tell him he still can prove himself etc… or be an asshole(or just not very clever) and get Magnus’ sister killed.

The whole thing ends the same, a new Margrave needs to be chosen.

Option 1: Chose Magnus. At this point he’ll accept being Margrave without question.

If romanced by a man or qunari/dwarf and “strong” answers had been given before, he’ll stay with the Inquisitor, still marry his Fiancee later on, but pretty much everyone knows where his true loyalty lays (also hers.. she is in love with his sister)

If romanced by a human or elven female he’ll marry her. Troubles arise if it is an elf and many are unhappy, but he won’t care. A female Trevelyan is applauded by everyone.

If romanced and only weak “please stay with me” answers were given before.. he breaks up. Tells the Inquisitor that he can’t be with someone that reminds him too much of his mother. And that they’ll find a better person to love. Whose loyalty will always just be with them, and no one else ever.

Option 2: His oldest Brother becomes Margrave, and Magnus simply stays a scout… for now. (after the game ends the soldiers will rebel against too many changes, and Magnus will end up siding with them and take the “throne” from his brother)

Tarot card change

Option 1: Romanced - The World Fulfillment — Accomplishment — Success Integration Involvement — Prospering Satisfaction — Repleteness Contentment Good feelings — Wholeness

Option 2: Not Romanced/Margrave - The Emperor Fathering — Stability — Authority Power Control — Discipline — Command Common sense Status quo — Order Structure — Egocentrism Tradition Rigidity — Leadership Experience Inflexibility — Public image Organization

Option 3: Not Romanced/Not Margrave - Stays at Default

[[ In rp this all can easily change, he might not marry and still be Margrave etc. This are just the basics ]]

#•●[ headcanon ]●•#ᶤ ᵃᵐ ᶰᵒ ˡᶤᵒᶰʰᵉᵃʳᵗ •●[ main ~ headcanon ]●•#•●[ plot points ]●•

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