#this wall of text is surprisingly NOT the fault of my mechanical keyboard

[marsixm]

im having this interesting experience of finding out someone i thought was gay is actually straight afaik and its like this fact changes absolutely nothing about how i feel about this person its just a surprise and like this is the goal this is the ideal i want because frankly even though i do think it CAN open up unique avenues of mutual understanding and can foster some stronger bonds at times both interpersonally and in terms of someone being a role model to me, i dont just automatically get along with other queer people on that basis alone (for example i went to a trans social meet up recently and did i get along with everyone on those facts alone? absolutely fucking not, and other queer meet ups i went to were just as hit or miss as any hang out with cis hets) and i think your interests and whole personality are more a key factor in it but it IS different and i think its largely just the fact of retooling what you thought of someone thats always gonna be a little strange to experience but if i do feel any disappointment i think it probably has to do with just me being excited to meet some gay men because ive been sick and tired of people in my regular ie online communities constantly derriding gay men at every turn. and i did meet really lovely gay men too and i also met/saw gay men on my trip who i really didnt care about one way or the other because we’re all just people and thats the nature of meeting and getting along with people and exactly as i said, you wont automatically get along with someone just because you share an identity, and i think you find this with people who have been living their identity longer (like ive known i was trans/gay for almost a decade now) so you kind of lose this need to connect based on that alone but i still want that gay older mentor thing and i THINK i finally figured out its not that i just wanna see any random gay man i want to see MYSELF because at the end of the day like thats why we like seeing people who are like us, because we’re trying to see ourselves, and thats why representation is important. but yeah idk where im going with this. i just dont actually care that this person is straight, i still think theyre just as interesting and lovely as i did before, and i still feel a kinship with them, what i really want to see is MYSELF move up in the world and get to where i want myself to be but someone else thats older than me being gay isnt gonna make that happen just by existing, and connecting with other gay men is lovely and i love it but its not the only connection which i already knew... i think eddie izzard maybe or someone else idk said something like this, like, you have to become your own role model when you dont see anyone else exactly like you out there. or was it lizzo? who tf said that. lil nas x??? i genuinely have no idea i just have eddie on the brain. (who, additionally, i think id feel strongly about if she were just a cis man because we’re so similar but its in cases like those where being trans fosters this deeper bond for a number of reasons BUT i dont just feel that about EVERY trans person in the public eye, you feel me???)