#this time it's 2 countries we've never been to before rather than 3 of our favs so

[nametakensff]

I have just over a week before I'm in SE asia for 3 weeks so I'm gonna try so hard to get the K/im x H/arry fic I'm working on out of the way before I go 🥲

Also I have, like...tomorrow morning, maybe?? To record my cold blessing wav because it's the last day I have alone for over a month

[cjrae]

Series: Reaction to a Reaction. Episode 22 "Blue Roses"

@i-guess-im-into-this-now you're in the endgame now! Also, now I want umeshu. I might have to pick some up.

1.) "There is so much more to Maomao. So much more for her to do and achieve, so much more she can give, so much more for her to feel. She can achieve goals that she doesn't even let herself acknowledge she has. She can find the deep joy that comes with being known and loved. She can do better than contentment, she can have deep fulfillment. But getting there isn't going to be easy. She's going to need to be challenged to grow and become stronger. She's never going to get that in the Jade Pavilion."

I love how you've come around from the Jade Pavilion being a good place for Maomao to heal to the realization that while it IS that, it's also stifling. Gyokuyou has a certain level of contentment. Maomao has the potential to find joy - but that can't be done in a cage of any kind.

Hongniang is a great parallel here. She's very competent at what she does, she's devoted to her lady, but she also craves marriage and children and, as Maomao observes, may never actually obtain those things because she's just as trapped as Gyokuyou.

2.) "Is this dude going to be Jinshi's father-in-law someday? Can you even imagine putting up with this family dynamic for the rest of your life?"

One problem at a time! First he has to keep Lakan from destroying his reputation. A detail that was elaborated on in the manga is that Lakan is the one who spread the rumors that Jinshi had bought out a courtesan from the Verdigris House, so for awhile there everyone was bugging Jinshi to get an idea of who he chose to be his mistress.

3.) "Jinshi is exhausted and a little snappish when Maomao makes a joke about the person who requested blue roses being on drugs."

This is one of the few scenes that I was really disappointed with the anime's handling. This ought to be our first opium reference. I'll pop the light novel's handling here.

"'Was opium ever widely used here?'

'It would be the end of the damn country if the likes of opium got around!'

Consort Gyokuyou and Hongniang looked at Jinshi, wide-eyed at the sudden change of tone. Gaoshun furrowed his brow and coughed politely. The anger lingered on Jinshi's face for another beat, but the next second the celestial smile had returned. Maomao looked at him almost pleadingly. She just didn't deal well with that smile. Gyokuyou was watching them with considerable amusement, though Maomao herself wasn't amused in the least."

My interpretation of this scene in the light novel is that Jinshi is exhausted enough that he's responding to the suggestion of widespread opium use as a prince rather than as a eunuch.

4.) "Maomao deduces that Lakan must have put Jinshi up to this. She doesn't like to see Jinshi suffer like this, and she hates that Lakan has the power to manipulate people she cares about."

Something that I touched on in my pinky finger analysis is that Maomao's reaction to Lakan has always been to hide from him. She hides at Verdigris House, she hides in Jinshi's home, she avoids the military grounds whenever possible. The first time she becomes willing to face him is when Jinshi's health and reputation are on the line - and doesn't that just say a lot about Maomao's character development over the season?

5.) "Jinshi is aware that he has made himself the center of attention and that he can't read some of the people's reactions is worrisome to him. He speaks about "Jinshi" in the third person. Talking about the persona of Jinshi rather than as himself. It makes me wonder what his real name is."

Next season. :D

We've seen Jinshi talk about himself in the third person before quite a bit - back in episode 2 when he offhandedly comments that "we all use whatever we're given," about his presence in the harem being a test of loyalty, all the way through that moonlight conversation with Gaoshun when he tells the audience about the mask he's constructed for reasons that have not yet been shared with the audience.

6.) "Jinshi: I just hope you aren't apologizing after everything I put you though.

True. Appropriate. Go on.

Jinshi: Nevermind. You did well.

Well, it was almost an apology anyway. And some praise. Do more of that. She worked her ass off to accomplish this and sacrificed a lot of her well being to pull it off. She deserves a lot more than a "you did well." Medicinal ingredients are always appreciated."

One, yes. Medicinal ingredients will always be one of the best ways to show Maomao appreciation! Two, I actually think this is a great callback to episode 2, when he was trying to "seduce" her as a precautionary measure. Look at the difference between these two scenes - the first time, he's sparkling and brushing her hair away from her face, with a statement that sounds like praise but is actually full of expectation and warning. "I'm positive you'll serve Concubine Gyokuyou well."

Here, he's subdued and genuinely appreciative. There's no charm to be seen, but he smiles at her - and for the first time, it's his real smile. No sparkles, no seduction, just an acknowledgment of what she pulled off for him and the fact that he appreciates it. "You did well."

7.) "Jinshi notices Maomao's nails and finds it surprising that she would paint them. Which it kind of is. She paints freckles on her face to make herself less appealing, but paints her nails to make them prettier? Does this have to do with her crooked finger?"

One, yes. She's deliberately drawing attention to it. Two, not sure how far you were into the plum wine (yum), but there was the line "If I'd had some balsam and woodsorrel, I could have made them look prettier," before we cut to a shot of the two plants. If you remember, the small, yellow flower was the very first shot of the season. Also, the next episode is titled Balsam and Woodsorrel.

8.) "Thank god this show isn't told from Lakan's perspective, because holy hell, his fucked up view of people as Go pieces is really unnerving."

It certainly explains why and how he's reached his current rank (which, if you paid attention during the banquet scene, you'll notice that he's actually seated very close to the Emperor. This tells you that Lakan's not just a military strategist and the head of a house, but he's WAY up on the chain of command - the higher your rank, the closer you get to sit to the head honcho. This is a powerful, dangerous man).

9.) "Gaoshun and Jinshi are there as well, but they too are game pieces to be manipulated. Maomao alone has a face amongst the crowd. The only one that he sees as a person. Maybe the only one that he can't or won't manipulate in the never-ending game he plays."

Beautiful. I couldn't have put that better.

Next time, backstory!

The Apothecary Diaries

S1E22 First Watch

Here's where I watch The Apothecary Diaries for the first time and give my thoughts, analysis, predictions, and occasionally I stumble into a joke.

To start at the beginning:

Episode 1

My character/location cheat sheet:

Hongniang - head LIW at Jade Pavilion

Xiaolan - Maomao's servant girl friend

Master Shishou - Lady Loulan's father

Yinghua - one of Lady Gyokuyou's ladies in waiting

Lady Gyokuyou is preggo and everyone in the Jade Pavilion is pretty charmed by that, especially Hongniang who is dreaming of having her own baby. I thought this lady had a little something something going with Gaoshun, but that was almost certainly not true (her loss, Gaoshun is a total catch). But now I wonder, is this chick maybe not into Gaoshun, but Gaoshun's son? Does she like erratic meatheads like Basan?

Whomever Hongniang has her eye on, Maomao doesn't think it's going to happen.

Maomao: Even if someone did propose, I doubt she would be allowed to leave. That's the cost of being too good at one's job.

Maomao may want to think about that statement in regards to herself.

Maomao: The days here are fulfilling, and they truly do seem to fly by. In comparison, the two months spent at Master Jinshi's office felt like forever.

This place is easy and peaceful, she calls it fulfilling. Maomao is surrounded by support and able to use her talents to help others in a way that is meaningful to her. If the story ended here, Maomao would be content to live out the rest of her days just like this. She may never heal here but this place is safe from a lot of her triggers, so she could just focus on what she likes about being here, which is using her medical knowledge and tasting for poison. The people here accept her just the way she is and would never push her to do more that she does now. She would be content with that.

But.

There is so much more to Maomao. So much more for her to do and achieve, so much more she can give, so much more for her to feel. She can achieve goals that she doesn't even let herself acknowledge she has. She can find the deep joy that comes with being known and loved. She can do better than contentment, she can have deep fulfillment. But getting there isn't going to be easy. She's going to need to be challenged to grow and become stronger. She's never going to get that in the Jade Pavilion.

But challenge is something she got at Jinshi's residence. She claimed that the time she was there felt like forever. Because it wasn't easy. Suiren was hard on her, and Jinshi is always challenging Maomao to rise to her abilities. It's a strain, but Maomao always stretches herself to meet the challenge. She always comes through.

She probably also found her time there difficult because she was so frequently confronted with emotions that she would rather not face. But those emotions aren't going anywhere. She can suppress them and avoid them as long as she wants, but they will always be waiting to surface. She will have to face those emotions and process them to heal.

One of the problems at Jinshi's residence is that Maomao doesn't have the love and support that she receives at the Jade Pavilion or Verdigris House. If she could somehow combine the best of both; have the growth and challenge that she gets from Jinshi, with the love and support she gets from her lady friends, and a chance to utilize her skills, she would probably be best equipped to thrive.

Lakan is back to harass Jinshi. Maybe trying to figure out a way to get Maomao out of the Rear Palace. He asks Jinshi to produce blue roses.

Lakan: Are you up to the task? A man with your kind of power, nothing's beyond the realm of possibility.

Do this or I'll expose your identity.

Jinshi: I understand.

Alright, asshole. I get it.

Lakan: My goodness. It's hard to contain my excitement.

I can't wait to watch you fail!

He once again leaves behind the beverage he brought. Jinshi crumbles in frustration the moment Lakan leaves. Is this dude going to be Jinshi's father-in-law someday? Can you even imagine putting up with this family dynamic for the rest of your life?

Gaoshun asks around and finds out that the task is impossible. No one knows anything about blue roses, and roses aren't even in season. There is no way to pull this off in the one short month before the garden party.

Luckily for Jinshi, he knows someone that routinely pulls off the impossible.

Jinshi shows up to ask Maomao for help. He looks rather pathetic, with circles under his eyes, his slumped posture, and defeated attitude. Jinshi is exhausted and a little snappish when Maomao makes a joke about the person who requested blue roses being on drugs. He's at his wits end here and Maomao is his last hope. If she tells him it's impossible then this really is over and Lakan has won. It's a telling break from control for Jinshi. Gaoshun calls him back to himself.

Maomao deduces that Lakan must have put Jinshi up to this. She doesn't like to see Jinshi suffer like this, and she hates that Lakan has the power to manipulate people she cares about. She promises to do her best.

Maomao decides to use the sauna that was built for Lady Lihua as a hothouse to force the roses to bloom early. In exchange, she gifts Lady Lihua a manual from the brothel. Another parallel between the two similar but different gardens is in the way women from both try to get creative to please their husband/client.

Jinshi is distressed that Maomao keeps pushing herself and making her leg wound reopen. A constant reminder of how she got the injury, and the way she neglects herself. He recruits Xiaolan to assist Maomao in her task. Still, even with Xiaolan to assist, Maomao won't let herself rest. She gives up sleep and other self-care to attend to this task fully. Maomao's self neglect can't be totally negated, but Gaoshun does bring food, so at least she's eating.

Lady Lihua's ladies keep spying on Maomao. They are terrified of her and won't approach, but they are undeniably interested in watching her try to pull off this nigh impossible task. Maomao brings a trend from the Pleasure District into the Rear Palace to distract the ladies. Soon she's got everyone painting their nails.

We learn that Lady Gyokuyou won't attend the garden party, as she's trying to hide her pregnancy. And who can blame her. Wasn't she the target of assassination attempts last time she was pregnant?

The ladies of the Jade Pavilion, aren't happy that Maomao exhausts herself every time she works in the Crystal Pavilion. Also, Maomao's leg is not healing. But she keeps on pushing through to finish her task. Once she finally has a bud grow, she allows herself to relax.

She still looks like hell on the day of the garden party. Jinshi is pretty shocked to see her in such poor health. But she has given everything she has to do this task for him. And to give a big middle finger to Lakan.

Does Jinshi question whether it was worth it to sacrifice Maomao's well being to grow these roses?

Concubine Loulan is the star of today's party. She's the daughter of Master Shishou who is an important figure from the elder generation, as he is favored by the emperor's mother. Because of this, the emperor has always had to navigate a difficult political situation when interacting with Concubine Loulan. The emperor is put on the spot by Master Shishou, but is conveniently saved by Jinshi's arrival with the blue and other colored roses.

Jinshi is aware that he has made himself the center of attention and that he can't read some of the people's reactions is worrisome to him. He speaks about "Jinshi" in the third person. Talking about the persona of Jinshi rather than as himself. It makes me wonder what his real name is.

Lakan is also a problem that bothers Jinshi. We see Lakan wipe his dirty hands on the hat of another official, which is both odd and deeply dickish.

Lakan: What an annoying display.

Lakan is not happy that Jinshi somehow pulled this off. No doubt he has another dozen plans lined up to erode Jinshi's mental health.

Maomao is sleeping peacefully on Lady Yinghua's lap. When she wakes, Lady Yinghua begs her not to return to the Crystal Pavilion, before joyfully peacing out to give Maomao a moment alone with Jinshi when he arrives. She knows what's up with these two.

Jinshi: I just hope you aren't apologizing after everything I put you though.

True. Appropriate. Go on.

Jinshi: Nevermind. You did well.

Well, it was almost an apology anyway. And some praise. Do more of that. She worked her ass off to accomplish this and sacrificed a lot of her well being to pull it off. She deserves a lot more than a "you did well." Medicinal ingredients are always appreciated.

Maomao reveals her secret of coloring the roses. She thought it would be prudent to reveal the trick to the emperor ahead of time, which he found delightful. I question the wisdom of making herself stand out too much to the emperor, but what do I know.

It's implied that the blue roses in the palace were something that Lakan used to waste his time with. Maybe this will come back up and be important later, but for now, who gives a shit.

I'm sure there is a deeper symbolic or story based meaning behind the blue roses that I probably should have picked up on or cared about, but I'm going to be honest with you all, as of my writing of this blog, I'm pretty deep into a botte of plum wine, and my critical thinking is crashing hard, so you'll just have to tell me what I missed. 💋

Jinshi notices Maomao's nails and finds it surprising that she would paint them. Which it kind of is. She paints freckles on her face to make herself less appealing, but paints her nails to make them prettier? Does this have to do with her crooked finger?

Okay, so Maomao DID get something out of this. Some "item" in a box that she requested.

Lakan: How vexing. I didn't anticipate my provocation to fail.

I don't know what he's talking about. The only person I saw him provoke was Jinshi, who managed to do what he asked. Unless, the person he was trying to provoke is Maomao? Mess with Jinshi to provoke Maomao maybe? But she is planning something for Lakan, so he will see soon enough.

Thank god this show isn't told from Lakan's perspective, because holy hell, his fucked up view of people as Go pieces is really unnerving.

Apparently the manicures that all the ladies are wearing are a trigger for Lakan. They remind him of the woman he used to play Go with. And Maomao arrives, with precisely the same manicure color that Lakan remembers from his flashback. Gaoshun and Jinshi are there as well, but they too are game pieces to be manipulated. Maomao alone has a face amongst the crowd. The only one that he sees as a person. Maybe the only one that he can't or won't manipulate in the never-ending game he plays.

Whatever Maomao has planned for Lakan will have to wait for the next episode, because that's how this one ends!

If you want to read these from the beginning:

Episode 1

Next episode:

Coming Soon!

[differentkettleoffishalltogether]

I’m On Fire [Chapter 2]

With her sister’s wedding fast approaching and her Mom hounding her about finding a date, Y/N makes a terrible decision that lands her and her least favorite genius in a confusing situation.

Chapter Summary: Y/N and Spencer start to put a plan together.

A/N:  I’ve got a head cold at the mo’ but I had to get a covid test just in case so I’m not allowed leave my room till I get the results! So enjoy a bonus chapter while I wallow on my own for like 36 hours :( On a positive note, thank you guys all so much for the response to chapter 1 I really didn’t see that coming! I’ve tagged everyone who asked, let me know if you wanna be added

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem Reader

Category: Fake Dating, Enemies to Lovers, (Eventual) Smut, Fluff, Angst, it’s a Slow Burn Baby

Warnings: Cursing, some NSFW language/themes

Word Count: 6.1k

Previous Chapter -- Next Chapter

Series Masterlist

Masterlist 

"Are you coming up or what?"

The question was still ringing in my ears. It caught me completely off guard. 'Up' as in up to Spencer's apartment? Where he lived? I knew he lived somewhere in theory, just like I knew deep down that he wasn't made in a test tube. 

Without noticing I've undone my seatbelt and I'm hopping out of the car, following him around to the front door. I guess I am coming up.

Spencer's apartment is more cosy than I thought it was going to be. It's warm and lived in. It's not big, but I think that might be what makes it homely. Something about the way he behaves had me thinking it would be fully decked out in stainless steel or glass or something. But it wasn't pristine, it was messy. 

There were books bursting from the shelves that lined the walls of the apartment, along with books laid open over nearly every surface in the place, it looked like he was in the middle of reading all of them, and honestly, I didn't doubt it. Maybe I'd misjudged him. He even had some photos of what looked like his family, and maybe friends, even some of the BAU, lining his walls or propped up on his mantle. He had little trinkets and souvenirs on his shelves too, evidence that he'd been around the country for reasons other than a case. I would never admit it to him but there was a real charm to the place.

Once we got inside he took off his bag and suit jacket, tossing them on the desk just inside of the door. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, and he seemed to pick up on my awkward energy.

"You can make yourself at home" he said, his confident streak remaining. I had no idea what to do with that. What would even make me comfortable in Spencer Reid's apartment? I took a seat on his sofa and just sat with my hands resting in my lap. Really not even sure where I should look without feeling like I was invading his privacy. Even though I wanted to. I think it was morbid curiosity, looking for clues on who this man might actually be outside of the BAU. What I really wanted to do was stand up and walk around, soaking in every bit if this place as if it would help me decipher our messy relationship.

He returned to the living room a few moments later, two mismatched mugs in his hands. He places one in front of me on the coffee table. I pick it up and take a sip. It's lemon and ginger, how did he know what kind of tea I liked? I held the mug in my hands inhaling the steam in an effort to relax. When I look up he's watching me, arms folded across his chest.

"So, how does this thing work. What's the game plan?" I honestly have no real idea. This evening really got away from me, I was still expecting to snap out of it and wake up in my bed at any moment.

"Well I can't say I've ever been in a Sandra Bullock movie before either so this is uncharted territory for me too" I say with a chuckle, trying to ease the tension. Even a little. I can see him crack a small smile but hides it almost instantly, his face hardening again.

"My sister, Margot, she's getting married in like 4 months." I can feel myself tense and I shake out my shoulders, I have to remind myself that he's agreed to this already, "Fuck it, I'm just going to be honest with you. My Mom's mostly freaked out that I'm too attached to this job and that I'll just never find someone again." I shouldn't have said again, fuck. I hope he didn't pick up on that. Who am I kidding. "Even though, I'm not sure I care if I do or don't?" he doesn't say anything, like he's waiting for me to continue. I know I've shared a little too much already but I keep going.

"Margot's 2 years younger than me, I introduced her to her fiancé Philip, we met in college, he's a sweetheart. But since they've gotten engaged Mom's gotten exponentially weirder. I think she's convinced I'm fully going to die alone, as if that would be the worst thing that could ever happen? Anyway, she's been trying to auction me off to all these guys, using this wedding as an excuse. I'm not sure how much of that phone call you actually heard earlier but Mom was trying to sell me on this guy, David, and I just… snapped." I look up at Spencer and he unfolds his arms, leaning in ever so slightly coaxing the story out of me.

"David, he uh, he worked for my father for a while back in high school, filing documents and stuff, busy work mostly. He used to make out with me when he was at our house after school, but then he'd ignore me in the halls the next morning. I know it's because I was a pariah back then or something but I didn't want to think about it today and I just got worked up. I shouldn't have let on that you were my date, I was just going to ask if I could bring Garcia or something, and I'm sorry." I cover my face in my hands, "I'm insane, you can back out if you want to."

I can hear him move from his spot on the opposite side of the sofa, he takes my wrists and gently pulls my hands from my face. He looks into my eyes, "I'm in this now Y/N, what do you need me to do?" he asks, and there's a genuine earnest in his voice that I think I've only ever heard a handful of times. And it's never been directed at me.

"Okay, well we've got a few months before you ha–, wait, fuck!" I throw my head back, there's already a complication, "shit" I curse under my breath. His eyebrows knit together, sitting upright.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I forgot about my Mom's 50th, it's next month. They've got this whole huge party planned back home in upstate New York. I've gotta go and they'll probably want to meet you, or they're gonna have a load of questions for me at least. I can try and get you out of it I'm sure"

He gets that cocky look again, he shakes his head "I don't know, I've always liked a bit of competition" he reclines back into his corner of the sofa, taking a satisfied sip from his own mug before speaking again. "You know, if I've got to learn enough to pass as your boyfriend in a month, surely that means you've got to learn enough to pass as my girlfriend within the month, no?"

Oh god. What have I done, why didn't I think this far ahead. "I mean, yeah I guess you're right." I had to remember he was doing me a favor. I had to get over myself. "Okay, if you're sure you're up for that?" I ask, and he nods, and I think he looks excited, or maybe he just finds the whole situation funny.

"If anyone's up for the competition it's you" he says, and I'm not sure if that's a compliment or a dig but I nod in agreement.

He takes another sip of his tea, collected and relaxed. I can't help but notice how at ease he is when he's in his own surroundings. I'm so used to seeing him sitting at a desk surrounded by paperwork, or combing through file after file in the make-shift office in a small-town police station, usually flustered or anxious, or antagonizing me whenever he wasn’t. This was a different Spencer. Completely in control, at ease.

"Alright, shall we get started then, we can't really afford to waste any time can we?" he was actually sort of right, so I nodded. It was only now occurring to me that I'd have to share parts of my personal life with him if I wanted this plan to work. We already knew the basics about each other, I'd read his file when I started at the BAU, I'd read everyones. And I feel like it was safe to presume he'd done the same.

His eyes bore directly into mine as he leaned forward, I think he was enjoying how uncomfortable I must've looked.

"How about I ask you some rapid-fire questions and you have to answer 'em?" he asks, and it's as good of a plan as any, and I can't think of any other suggestions, so I nod.

"Okay, shoot." I say, unsure and nervous, so I brace myself. I'm just grateful that he's making my life easier rather than harder for what feels like the first time since I met him.

I really should've known better.

He leans in, "So Y/N, first question, when did you lose your virginity?"

I almost choke on the mouthful of tea I just took, that can't be what he just asked, and he looks like he's savoring my shocked expression.

"I uh, I don't think you need to know that?" is all I can get out.

"Really? You think that's something your boyfriend wouldn't know about you?" he's right, but I didn't want to admit it outright.

"I feel like I sort of already hinted. It was that same guy David, I was 18, he was 19. We had sex on the couch while my parents went out one evening. I kept my bra on the whole time, he came, I didn't. It was all very standard stuff." I wasn't sure what compelled me to add that last part. I think I was giving in to the open honestly thing. "So what about you Doc?" I challenged.

He didn't seem embarrassed, or even shy. "I must've bloomed little later than you" he admits with a soft chuckle, "Vivian Stewart, I was 21, she was too. It was the last semester of my last PhD and I figured I must be missing out on something. And I sure was" he smirks to himself. "I came, she did too, 3 times. I did a lot of research ahead of time" he mirrored my story and I rolled my eyes. It was hard not to feel a little impressed but I tried with everything I had to stifle it so he couldn't tell. I wish it didn't make me feel something but it did. I gulp down the mouthful of tea that's been sitting in my throat.

I have to shake myself back to reality. I can't give him the satisfaction of throwing me. "My turn." I command, "When was your last relationship Dr. Reid?" I ask, "I mean like, serious one, not like hook-up" I clarify before he can ask. He thinks on it for a moment.

"I'm not sure what you classify as fully serious, but I guess it was this girl, Rebecca, we dated for a while when I first joined the BAU but it didn't work out. What about you?" he flips it back.

"So that was what, like 6-ish years ago?" I ask, he just nods.

"Mine was like 3 years ago now I think. I met this guy Nathan on my first week of college, we dated for like 4 years. He moved here for me when I got accepted by the BAU." I had to stop myself from delving into the detail. It was a long time ago now but it still hurt. "Long story short, the hours were demanding and they got in the way more than I would've liked. We ended up splitting a couple months after I got the job." I tried to play it off like it wasn't one of the more devastating things to happen in my life. But something told me he’d registered that, so he didn't push.

His energy picks up and he looks at me with a grin, but there's something a little sinister behind it. "I've got a more fun question for you." he leans in closer to me, "Y/N, when was the last time you got laid?" I just looked at him in shock. 

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, I can go first if you really need me to?" his voice didn't waver,

"Fuck you Reid, I know when it was!" I snapped back at him. I did have to think back a little farther than I'd like to pull up the memory.

"Met this guy in a bar when I was out with Pen one night, we went back to his place and hooked up." I say as deadpan as I can make it.

"Well that's not very exciting is it?" he jokes, "Did you at least cum that time?" I know he's just trying to rile me up, but I answer anyway.

"As a matter of fact I did" I earn back a little of my confidence.

"I'm so happy for you, but you did manage to avoid my initial question" fuck "when was this exciting night of yours Y/N?" he probes, like I really, really wished he wouldn't. I could lie, but I'm sure he'd be able to tell. I cringe before I can say it.

"About 8 months ago" I mutter, just low enough for him to hear.

"Sorry, did you just say 8 months ago?" He nearly shouts in disbelief, he seems to find it funny.

"Hey fuck you Spencer!" I go on the defensive, "When was the last time you even got laid?"

"Like two and half weeks ago" he says, confident, and still laughing, "Wait wait, when was the last time you got yourself off? I know you're not waiting 8 months!" he giggles and I think I could kill him. I know I kept giving him outs but was it too late for me to just get up and leave?

"I'm not doing this with you if you're just gonna make fun of me Reid, I get enough of that at work" I get out, my voice is serious but I'm trying to hide how awkward all of this is making me feel, and I don't know that I'm doing a very good job.

I can tell that's gotten to him, he relaxes and eases up on the giggling. "Look okay wait Y/N. I'll stop, I'm not actually trying to make fun of you. I was being serious, I think stuff like this is important if we're gonna have to be comfortable around each other enough to seem like a real couple. Plus, it'll just help break the ice?" he shrugs. "But you don't have to answer if you don't want to."

I soften, because I agree, even thought I hate that he's right. "Fine" I collect my thoughts, "2 nights ago I'm pretty sure." I regret it almost instantly, but breaking the ice is supposed to feel awkward.

"Same here actually," he chuckles, "what'd you do?" I'm so startled by the question I almost forget how to answer.

"I, uh, my, my vibrator? I just felt like uh, I watched some..." I still can't force out a whole sentence. It's not like I was always awkward about sex or anything, I could talk to Garcia, or honestly probably any of the other team members about it. But with Spencer it didn't feel as comfortable. He still sat calmly, smiling just a little.

"Same here, 2 nights back, but with my hands I guess. I wonder if we were doing it at the same time?" he mutters the last part gently and my head goes a bit fuzzy. My eyes drift away from his face and settle on his hands, the mug he's holding looks so tiny with his fingers wrapped around it, I wondered how they'd look wrapped around my-

"Okay I think that's enough for one night, don't you think?" I jump up off the sofa and turn, mostly so that he doesn't catch the blush thats creeping from my neck up to my cheeks. And because I don't know what I'll say, or regret saying, if this conversations continues on its current trajectory.

"Sure," he says, standing up next to me, and I want to move further away instantly, "you're probably right, and it's getting a little late now anyway" he glances at his watch. Ushering me back towards his front door and opening it up. Before I can walk out he lightly touches my shoulder to turn me back to face him, and I wonder if he can feel the heat radiating from every part of me.

"So are you free next Friday after work?" he asks, and I'm so flustered I almost forget why, I just nod. "Perfect, how about we come here again and we can dive into preparing? You could also make a start on getting these onto a hard drive?" he gestures to the antique looking hardbacks adorning the shelves.

'Sounds great!" I perk up, feigning enthusiasm, "See you then!"

"Well, see you Monday morning actually Y/N" he smirks as I walk out the door. Fuck, he was right.

I really hadn't thought this through.

——

The weekend was a bit of a blur. I decided to try and put some useful information into a document for Spencer. It felt strange to try and condense my life into as few pages as possible. I knew Reid had an eidetic memory, and nothing would necessarily overwhelm him. But I also knew that he was someone that the team relied on to fill in a lot of the gaps in the rest of the our knowledge. So I felt bad about dumping a load of information on him, especially considering it was a favor he was doing for me.

I'd complied the majority of my life into a 15 page document and printed it out. Hopefully that would address most of what my family could guerrilla attack him with. There was also something unsettling about the imbalance. I was going to give him so many of the intricate details of my life in a little file, whereas all I really knew about Spencer was what I'd taken it upon myself to learn about him throughout the past few years.

I'd read all of his work while I was in college, given how he was the gold standard of getting into the BAU at a young age, I wanted to know who this guy was. I think I'd pictured something different. And I couldn't deny there was something enticing about finally getting to know him after all of these years of working together. Maybe this could actually be fun, or interesting at least.

----

I arrived early on Monday morning. I thought I was first into the office as usual but Garcia was sitting in my desk chair waiting for me. The second she saw me walk in she tensed, she must've known we were the only people in this early.

"What happened! You've been avoiding me all weekend?" she asked, and she was right. I'd drafted enough texts to her, trying to explain what the plan was, mostly without wanting to admit that she was right. Maybe I was stubborn.

"Alright okay, I drove Reid home." I admitted, dropping my bag by my desk. She rolls her eyes at me, dramatic as always.

"Well I knew that already Y/N damn! What happened next?"

"Fine, we went into his apartment and talked for a while. Trying to sort out the details, get a handle on things I guess?" I said, unsure of how much I should actually give away about our conversation.

"What things!?" She shouts, standing up from my desk,

"I don't know Pen, like logistics and stuff, I still haven't decided how I feel about that little stunt you pulled on Friday night!" I let my frustration get the better of me, and maybe that's why I haven't talked to her. It could also be because I know she's able to read me like a book and I'm not even sure how I feel about this whole situation.

"I call bullshit." She counters, "I know you were relived as hell when I sorted that whole thing out. You would've had anxiety tummy all weekend if I hadn't called Spencer!" I just go silent, she was right. I'd gotten so caught up in the whole, 'how to have a fake boyfriend' that I'd almost forgotten about how stressed I was about Spencer hearing my call in the first place.

"Okay, shit" I sigh. "Maybe you were right Pen. We're actually meeting up again this Friday after work to make a plan for the next while, so I guess that's progress?" I shrug, trying to play it off like this whole situation doesn't make my stomach flip.

"Ohhhhh! So like a date?" She probes, her enthusiasm rising drastically.

"Oh my God Pen no! Like an appointment at best" I diffuse the situation

"Ugh that's no fun" she says, not even trying to disguise her disappointment.

As if on cue Dr. Reid walks through the double doors into the bullpen. Both Garcia and I wave, overall awkwardly, but making an attempt pretend like things were completely normal and like nothing had changed since the last time we were all in the office together.

Penelope heads to her office as the bullpen starts to fill up quickly. Less than an hour later though Garcia's back at my desk and there's a new case that needs the teams attention in Boston. I follow her into the conference room and wait for the rest of the team to join. Spencer follows a moment later with 2 cups of coffee in his hands. I can see my mug in his hand and my automatic response is that he's messing with me. But he places my mug in front of me in the circular table before taking the seat next to me, listening to Garcia's briefing. I don't know if he's ever sat next to me in this conference room, at least not by choice.

I barely had any time to finish my coffee before I have to say goodbye to Garcia and hop on the jet to Boston.

----

The case was grueling. More so than usual. It was wrapped up late on Thursday night and the team decided to fly back home first thing on Friday morning. I was exhausted. Even if there was enough time to get sleep each night it wasn't like I got any. Whenever a case got on top of me like this it made it hard to rest, or get it off my mind at all until it was wrapped up. So even though it was over, that didn't mean I wasn't exhausted.

Hotch gave the team the rest of the day off, given that we have until submit our paperwork by Monday. I wasn't sure if Spencer's invitation from the following week still stood. I didn't want to ask, partly because I was so tired, but also because I was scared. I wasn't about to show up at his house in an effort to have a heart to heart, or hand him a condensed version of my life story on a manilla envelope if he was as drained as I was.

Standing by my desk I packed up everything I'd need to get my paperwork done over the weekend, I was just about finished when Spencer snuck up behind me, perching himself on the edge of my desk. "So, you almost ready to go?" he asks, like it's the most obvious question in the world. I couldn't really hide my surprise.

"Oh yeah. That's fine, I mean, if you're still cool with that?" I ask, and I hate how flustered I sound, like he makes me nervous.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" He chuckles, standing up straight.

"Cool, gimme a sec and I'll be good to go."

I pack up the rest of my stuff quickly and we make our way out. There's something that feels a little eerie about the two of us being in an elevator together alone again. It was a different kind of awkward to how it felt a week before hand. It almost felt like a kind of tension rather than a hatred or a rivalry. Either way we rode down in silence.

Once we got to the basement Spencer walks out of the elevator and walks straight to my car without having to ask. I unlock it and he hops into the passenger seat. Like this is a natural interaction. Something we do all the time. And I don't hate it as much as I thought I would.

"So," he says, buckling up his seat belt and breaking the silence, "do you know how to get to my place from here or do you need directions again?"

"Well I've got to turn on the engine first" I tease, hoping he picks up on the reference to our last car ride, he chuckles like he does.

"Are you hungry?" he asks

"Starving."

The delivery guy get's to Spencer's apartment at almost the same time we do.

---

Once the food's been demolished the two of us finally sit on his sofa, the same sides as the week before. "So, shall we get back into this?" He asks, sitting forward slightly to pull a notebook out of his satchel on the floor. It's small and lavender, and it's got a pen clipped into the spine. He cracks it open and flips to a specific page.

"Sorry, what's that?" I ask, pointing to the book, he looks confused,

"They're my notes?" he says, like it should be obvious

"Your notes?" I ask,

"My notes on you." he smirks, again like I'm silly for even asking.

He had notes on me? He had a whole notebook on me? What was even in that thing?

"You've got notes on me?" I ask, my hands reaching out to grab it, but he retreats faster than I can catch him. "What have you got in there that's so serious?"

"Nothing." and his tone's a bit too stern and I don't really want to push it when he's being so uncharacteristically nice to me.

"I've actually got this ready for you" I pull the file out of my own bag and toss it to him. "I'm not sure exactly what you need to know but that should be the majority of it at least."

He opens it up and glances over the the pages. It takes him all of 2 minutes to get through the whole thing. It feels unsettling that he's taking in a boiled down version of my life while I'm just sitting on the opposite side of the sofa. Trying to avoid the attention I pipe up.

"Um, hey, maybe it would be a good time for you to show me where to make a start digitizing your books over here?" I stand up and make my way to the shelf. He jumps up off the sofa and walks toward me, visibly excited.

"That's actually a great idea, I thought that the theses from my degrees could be a good place to start, since I'm pretty sure they're not backed up anywhere." he guides me to a section of the book case by the window. There's a series of leather bound hardbacks, the same gold font embossed on the spines. I recognize all of them, pulling out the first one.

"This is my favorite" I say without thinking about it and he does a double take, clearly thrown.

"You've, uh, you read my work?" he asks, completely puzzled. I'm sort of proud that I've managed to make him this awkward, and I nod.

"Mmhm, back before I joined the BAU actually. Before I really knew you" I regret saying the last part, it comes out a little meaner than I really wanted it to so I back track. "Spencer, I read all of your work while I was in college, you were like the gold standard. I don't think I slept more than 2 hours a night throughout my PHD because I was just trying to get as much done as you." and his face softens at the admission. But it takes him a moment before he responds. Leaving the two of us in silence a little too long.

"I had no idea" is all he says.

"I think this one was best" I say propping up the one in my hand, "you get a bit cockier as you move on” His eyebrows shoot up in surprise, "but I'll start with all of these I guess" I grab the matching books and stack them in my arms. Walking over to his desk and setting up. Glancing at the clock it was only 7pm so I decided to just make a start.

Spencer didn't contest. Letting me just get settled at his desk, I pull out my laptop and begin work on transcribing the first volume. After a few minutes he silently places a cup of tea down beside me and goes to sit on the sofa. The time rolls in quickly after that, each time I look up at Spencer he's carefully combing through the file I'd given him. Re-reading it and making little markings in his lavender notebook. I'm not really sure what I put in there that was worth making a note on but clearly he was reading between the lines on some things. That little notebook was like a profile of me.

When he seemed like he'd finished writing he pulls out his phone, scrolling through it aimlessly like I'd never seen him do before. It made him look so normal. His eyebrows knit together as he's looking at something on his screen and he stands up. Making his way over to me at the desk and shows me what he was looking at.

"Who's this?" he asks, "This guy you're with?"

I recognize the photo instantly. It's from a few years earlier, Nathan and I on the beach, my head resting on his chest. He'd taken it while we were on vacation celebrating our anniversary. That was about a month before I got into the BAU, I had no idea that was going to be our last anniversary. I gulp down the emotions that it stirs. I'm mostly over the whole thing by now, but looking at old photos like that, photos of happier times, it can still sting.

"That's uh, the boyfriend I was telling you about last week. Nathan, we broke up not long after I joined the BAU?" he nods, but he's smart, and I kind of figure he already knew that.

"Ah alright" he takes out the hardback and jots another note down. Maybe he's trying to get a read on me.

"What are you doing?" I gesture to the phone,

"It's research, do you not think that if you and I were really dating that stalking your social media profiles would be on my agenda?" he's smug, and he's right. But I guess I just didn't expect it from him.

"Well that's not really fair now is it? I can't reciprocate, you've got no social media presence whatsoever!" he finds that funny, letting out a deep chuckle and tucking his phone away in his back pocket.

"Maybe so, but that imbalance is hardly my fault. Besides, you've read all my dissertations apparently..."

"Bastard" I joke, slamming my laptop shut and throwing a pen from his desk at him so that it lightly bounces off the top of his head.

"Hey, there's no need for violence Y/N!" he rubs the spot beneath his curls, "Maybe it's time you took a break actually?" he says, sitting himself back down on the sofa.

I was reluctant to admit it but he was right. My eyes were starting to go a little fuzzy after looking at the screen for so long. I stand up and stretch my arms out above my head, feeling my spine stretch out after sitting for so long, letting out a low groan. Spencer waves me over to the sofa and I join him.

"How about we go back to basics?" Spencer asks with a small grin, and I can't help but let out a long sigh.

"I thought I was taking a break, no more questions" he just laughs at me,

"Relax, you're not that interesting, it's just a simple question." he states, and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to find it funny or offensive

"Ugh, fine, shoot"

"Well, actually it's two questions" he corrects, "what's your favorite movie, and what's your favorite snack?"

I'm confused mostly by the fact that it actually is a simple question, I was expecting something a lot more contentious, but also because he looks eager to know the answer.

"I'm not really sure what my favorite movie is to be honest, one of them is Night of the Living Dead?"

He nods to himself, and jots it down in the notebook again, "Alright, I can make that work" he stands up off the sofa before turning back to me, "and snack?"

"Peanut butter cups I guess?" I respond and he grins ear to ear, which is a completely new sight, and I like it way more than I thought I would.

"Perfect, gimme 2 minutes!" he leaves the living room and wanders towards the kitchen.

Spencer returns a few minutes later with a DVD, a packet of peanut butter cups , and a thick knitted blanket gathered in his arms. He drapes the blanket over me and gently places the peanut butter cups on top of it before popping the DVD into the player and sitting down beside me. I'm not really sure how to process any of the situation. Am I about to watch a movie on Spencer Reid's sofa? Sitting next to Spencer Reid?

"I... I, uh, thought you were just asking for your notes?" I ask, pointing at the notebook resting in his lap. He picks it up and throws it onto the coffee table.

"Sometimes I find experience is the best teacher, don't you?" he asks before pressing play, “And besides, it should keep you quiet for a whole 96 minutes” of course.

I can only nod in agreement, I'm not really sure what I'll say if I try to speak. I get myself cosy under the warm blanket and we watch the movie in near silence.

Once the credits roll Spencer finally speaks up, "I actually went to see a screening of this last month downtown, there was this little old horror movie fest-" I cut him off without really realizing, I'm just strangely excited that we've genuinely got something in common.

"Holy shit, I was there!" I say, more enthusiastic than the situation calls for.

He laughs at my excitement, "Well, I guess we have more overlap than I thought, that should probably help with the whole charade." he stretches his arms up over his head and let's out a small, gentle yawn. I'd been enjoying myself more than I thought I would, or would ever tell Spencer, that I'd almost forgotten that we'd both been on a case for almost every waking moment of the past week. I really should feel a lot more drained than I do.

I was just after midnight when I suggested that I head back home. I offered to take some of the books home to work on throughout the weekend but Spencer insisted that I just work on them whenever I came over again. I sort of felt like I should thank him for the evening when I was on my way out the door, or give him a quick hug, no that felt wrong. In the end all I could really muster was a lousy, "goodnight" and a meek wave on my way out the door before I drove home. And couldn't get to sleep.

— —

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[luvdsc]

Hey Cat!! I hope you're doing well as always ! 💖 AHHHH huhu I closed the form last Sunday since I've collected enough responses dy! (NOOOOOOOO ToT) I got a total of 221 responses at the end of the week, which is 3x the amount I initially needed! :o I'm beyond grateful and appreciative ToT I've cleaned the data and have proceeded to run some data analysis, but I ran into an issue whereby the scores on the subscales are equal (it has never been reported in past studies! :O) so I'm waiting for my supervisor's feedback on how to proceed. Hopefully it's nothing too serious ToT

Hehe finance is interesting indeed! I just started reading a book on finance for young adults (Rich Dad Poor Dad) and I look forward to learning more from the author's tips! The Coursera introductory course has also made financial terms a lil more familiar, even though it's just the basics and it's really helped w my financial literacy 🥺 I can push myself to study but it's also the numbers and calculations I'm worried of cuz I am rly a nong (idiot) when it comes to numbers * - * it runs in the genes I guess AHAHAHAHA my mom and sister aren't good at numbers either keke

Aww I'm glad yr professor made financial accounting enjoyable and a fruitful experience for you! Some lecturers / professors rly just have that spark in them to inspire ppl and I'm blessed to be surrounded by a bunch of em in the psych department!🥺😭 it truly makes a difference and I'm sure we both are living proofs of that!

After debating for a while, I've decided not to take a minor mainly because I'm so tired HAHAHAHAHAHA and I'll just do my own self-studying and exploration whilst working! Go out and explore the world, live life! Whilst ironically still staying in my room because of the COVID-19 situation in our country (cases are abt 20+k every day :') ) My proposal has been finalized and it's been accepted! It's just that some elements of my proposal is also part of my actual report, so I have some guidance to refer to in terms of structure! :3 and yes don't worry! I got plenty (sometimes a lil too much) rest during the sem break whilst remaining productive! Plus, I got to catch up w some friends and had game nights (maybe too much of game nights hehe) and movie nights w my friends which was truly refreshing! Also cuz I might not see a lot of them again after we graduate so we gotta cherish every moment 🥺😭

I'm a freelance graphic designer for my uni's newsletter! Occasionally, they'd ask us to create both the content and design! I'll place the link to my recent work below if you wanna check it out! UwU I'm trying to incorporate the same practices during sem break in my last sem (current sem) too! cuz yes mental health is so so important and I'm just tired of being academically tired you get me? :(

What makes me most trilled abt learning abt psychology is how to apply it in daily life too! I find it so fascinating and awestruck at how relatable and within reach these things are like wow we can be influenced in such ways?? :o can be both good and bad but imma stick w seeing it as the development and evolution of us humans UwU

Also, the vaccine has fixed my sleep schedule HEHE (another perk of getting vaccination :3) I got some rly good rest and managed to reset my usual sleeping time, thank you science ToT oooo I see I see, we've had cases of nurses injecting empty syringes hence the recording :( but GHIOGHWEOGIOHW I could never do that, I can feel the liquid entering me as it is so that's good enough ToT (* plays Love Talk * I can feel it coming)

OMG YOUR ART PIECES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, ADORABLE AND ELEGANT! 💖🥺🥰 it must've required a lot of hard-work and effort AHHH thankiew for showing me yr work!! it's truly unique in its own manner despite it's simplicity UwU is there a reason or backstory to yr chosen theme and objects? :3

I just Googled Somi Somi and omg that's such an UwU ice cream AHHHH 💖🥺😭 ice cream is my fav food of all time and it looks like an ice cream haven omg imagine eating it after a loooong hard day's of work ToT and OMG THE SATISFACTION OF EATING THAI MILK TEA ICE CREAM ON A HOT DAY YASSS 😋🤤 hehe if you get the chance to try milk & biscoff, do try it! It's amazing !😍 and ooo i haven't tried alcoholic ice cream before but I will one day!! :3 my alcohol tolerance is rly low though, will I get tipsy over alcoholic ice cream? We shall see UwU (i can only drink half a bottle of apple cider before my face gets red and I start getting a lil tipsy + headache)

and lovie....knowing yr school schedule now...OURS IS DEFINTELY BRUTAL OMG a 3 month long sem break huhu that's only the total amount of sem breaks we get in a year ToT i thought uni was hard but not that hard ToT

Always glad and honored to have you onboard! and AHAHAHAH the contractions about to start soon 👀 I enjoy talking to you huhu you're such a sweet and supportive person 💖🥺🥰😙 huhu for my period cramps, I've been having them since I was 12 ToT my doctor prescribed me some panadols but sometimes I can't even swallow them cuz I'd puke them out ToT I've settled w heatpacks to reduce my reliance on medicine, but I finally got some upgraded and safe to eat medicine from my gynae! She said it's fine to take it every month to keep my womb healthy and apparently my ms. lil uterus is suffering from inflammation, hence the super crazy bedridden cramps :( the upgraded medicine worked for a while, but after time it kinda didn't help either :/ but I realised that exercise rly does wonders to reduce the cramp too (gynae also recommended exercising) so i take walks and do my back stretches more frequently now! my period in the previous months (2 months ago) have been almost painless and bearable, it's so weird not seeing my bedridden ._. when I was in high school, there would always be a day in every month in which I don't attend classes, and that's solely because of my cramps. It just isn't worth suffering in school, plus we don't have a sick room :/ I hope the pain continues to subside! ToT

And ayy internship is also working experience, yr advice would be of great help to me regardless! 🥺 oh yes, I always remind myself that interviews are similar to the speaking test I took for my Cambridge English exams! That kinda help calm my nerves down a lil, but w nerves comes bigger smiles, so I guess it takes on a rather practical form of coping mechanism (sublimation) AHAHAHAHA

WAAAA WHAT A QUEEN you got an offer from every interview?? I aspire to be like you! 💖🥺🥰 huhu skill wise I believe I have lots to prepare esp in terms of case studies, and I perform rly poorly on certain assessments (*ehem * esp those concerning numbers) so I took the chance to study a lil during sem break too ToT but noted on that! I will work on that too and try to maintain that me element in interviews and overall just be myself keke

That's all from me for now! Imma wait for my supervisor's feedback and journey on w my last semester. Bon voyage! Link to my recent work: https://www.instagram.com/p/CTBqGzjr6sN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link Other works: https://www.instagram.com/p/CPpv-IyM7Gi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link https://www.instagram.com/p/CL55EG-MbL2/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

hi hello honey bee !!! 💓 omg i'm so sorry for the belated response, i finally got on my laptop 😭 i'm gonna put my response under the cut since it got a little long 🤧

omg 221 responses !!!!! that's so many 🙀 congratulations aaaaa it's amazing that you were able to get 3x the data you needed !!! was it difficult to run data analysis? were you able to solve the issue with the equal scores on the subscales? i hope it didn't create too much additional work for you ):

omg yes finance is really interesting! i enjoyed the classes i took for it :') how is rich dad poor dad? did you learn a lot from it? i know it was a book my prof recommended, but i never got around to reading it 😶 did you learn any helpful tips? and ooo i'll have to look into coursera! yeah, there's quite a lot of terms for finance, and it can be a little intimidating paired with all the math formulas and such, but it's pretty useful imo! how are your financial studies going so far? 💕 omg nong is such a cute word?? i would never think it meant idiot asdkfhlkajsdf omg my whole family is good at numbers and really like math, but i didn't like it 😭 my mom made me study it a lot everyday though rip are the financial calculations getting easier for you as you practice more hopefully?

yessss omg i absolutely agree with this!!!! like you can just feel when a professor loves to teach and is genuinely so excited to talk about their subject, and it just makes the most boring horrible subject into something you learn to enjoy and hate less :') and i'm really happy to hear you have tons of professors like that in the psych department 🥺💗

that's great to hear!!!! 🌷🌷 i'm glad that you're prioritizing yourself and your health, which is so much more important than taking on a minor. what fun subjects have you decided to explore and self study so far? 💞 oh my gosh, the rising cases are so high?? i hope it's gotten better there for you ): are you able to go outside yet?

big congratulations on your proposal being finalized and accepted, lovebug !!!! 🥳🥳 i'm very proud of you and hoping one day i can read your published studies in a scientific journal :') aaaa i'm so glad to hear that you got to rest and enjoy your time with your friends!! i definitely feel that omg i regret all the times i skipped out on movie nights or game nights with my friends because now we're all scattered across the country and the only way we can have them again is over zoom calls 🤧

I SAW YOUR DESIGNS AND THEY'RE GORGEOUS OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH !!!! 💖 I'M IN AWE AAAA IF PSYCH DOESN'T WORK OUT, I HOPE YOU BECOME A GRAPHIC DESIGNER 🤩🤩💖 and yes i totally get it ): i really felt the academic burn out when i was in college and it was really difficult at times 🤧 but i hope it's going better for you nowadays, sweetpea 💝💝

omg yeah i absolutely agree !!!! whenever i read about psychology, i keep it in the back of my mind and then when i see something irl that relates to it, i'm like :O amazing. it's so cool to learn about different psych tricks too and see how it works when you test them out yourself and whatnot. and it's really crazy to see how the human brain is so easily influenced at times ??? it truly is an amazing subject !!!

ah what a great side benefit of the vaccine - a better sleep schedule 🤩 i'm happy to hear that your schedule has been fixed 💘 and omg what ??? they're injecting empty syringes wth ????? 😭 that's absolutely horrible, are they getting sued?? lmaooooo that love talk reference askdfhlaksjd

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KIND COMPLIMENTS 😭😭💗💗 there were many late hours spent in the art studio to finish them, but i'm really happy with the end products :') i thought light bulbs are an interesting subject to do, and my prof said that cutting out circular objects or sculpting them is the most difficult since they're made up curves and not straight lines and i was like ok bet i'm gonna do it aND I'M SO GLAD I DID BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE THEM 🥺 and i love honey bees !!! that's why i decided to paint them and we were supposed to paint them in a combined style of two artists so i tried monet's impressionist style with the short brush strokes and pop art triptych style like marjorie strider 💕

somi somi is sooo good and i just had it again a couple weeks ago :') omg ice cream is your favorite food? :o and YES ice cream is so satisfying after a long day of hard work, like it's such a nice reward to look forward to at the end of day ✨ aaaaa i have to try thai milk tea ice cream one day now !!!!! it sounds amazing 🤩 and YES i must look for places that sell milk & biscoff ice cream !! i have milk ice cream from somi somi, but i need to try to combined flavors 💘 i don't think you'll get tipsy over it !!! it's a really faint taste of alcohol, like i didn't even notice it at first, and i don't think they put very much of it in there! aksljdfhals omg you're a lightweight :o at least that means you save money on alcohol LOL i need like nine shots to get drunk 🤧

your school is too hard 😭 you need more than just 3 months of break !!! 😡 we get a week off for thanksgiving in fall semester and a week off for spring break in spring semester too and then the month long winter break and three month summer break. and we have the one day holidays off too like labor day, memorial day, etc. i can't believe they give you so little time off after working so hard???

asdfhlkajshdlksja loool are the contractions over yet? has it been born? what's the current status, doctor? 👀 i really enjoy talking to you too !!! i'm very sorry for the late responses, work is really taking over all of my time, and i never have enough time to get on my laptop to reply to my asks 😭 and thank you for saying such kind things about me 🥺🥺💝 oh my gosh, i'm so sorry to hear that you have such terrible cramps 😭 i can't even imagine going through that - mine are nowhere near as horrible 😖 do the heatpads help a lot? i'm relieved to hear that you were prescribed better medication though! but yeah, your body does eventually get used to the medication and you have to continue taking stronger meds for it to work, but that's not a very healthy solution /: but i'm really glad to hear that exercise has been helping out a lot!! 💖 hurray for almost painless and bearable periods 🥳 i'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that in high school ): that sounds absolutely horrible 😭 periods are just awful, but it's like i'm grateful that i have my period because that means i'm not pregnant, but also please go away aslkhdfaklsj

omg what was the speaking test for the cambridge english exams like? :o it sounds so formal and a lil intimidating askdjfhalsd do you know of any psych tricks that can possibly help calm your nerves? :')

aaaa yes i did !! i was really surprised that i got an offer from them all because at the time, i was not in the right major and i think i was one of the most underqualified applicants 🤧 one person who interviewed me asked why i withdrew from my engr physics class and i explained it in a kinda funny way but in my head, i was like "oof i'm not gonna get this offer anymore" but then he laughed at my response and told me about how his prof told him he should drop a guitar class he was taking because he was doing very poorly and we bonded over that aklsjdhfkals omg how do interviews for psych jobs go? do you have to discuss a lot of case studies? do they give you a list of possible case studies they'll ask about? :o what sort of assessments do you have to do? good luck on all of your interviews, honey bee 💛 i'm rooting for you, you're gonna do amazing !!!! 💘

omg what did your supervisor say about your case study? and how is your last semester going? are you almost done now? 🌸 (also how have you been? what have you been up to? thank you for taking the time to leave such detailed messages for me, i'm really excited to see all the fun updates in your life, lovebug 🌷🌷)

[neo-culture-mafia]

그림자

last chapter

"'sup bitches." Hyuck called, walking in the front door with groceries in hand.

"Duckie, I have told you 9 separate times to not greet like that." I spun around in the swivel chair, "it's rude." I reasoned and he took his sunglasses off his face, holding them in the same hand as his motorcycle keys. "Whoops?...I guess." He chuckled, strutting over to where I sat at the living room desk.

I turned back around to look at the paperwork spanning across the wood surface. "What's this, sunflower?" He asked grabbing the first paper he could grab. He flicked his brown curls from his vision to have a good look at what was taking place in black ink.

"Money flipping?" He asked me, with a cocked eyebrow and an unamused look. "Yep. Just for a little while," I winked and snatched the paper back. I sighed, setting it back down on the desk, "just until we have enough for an apartment in the city."

He groaned and walked down the hall to the kitchen. "We have everything we need here." He called as I knew he was emptying the contents of the grocery bags into the respectful places they belonged.

I leaned my arm on the desk, laying my head in my hand and staring at the Polaroids above the desk. Some were of us: me, Mark and Hyuck, and some of the rest of the boys...now just a distant memory is what they felt like.

483 days...483 days since we last saw each other. On that damn night. That dreadful night that me and Mark were turned away and shunned like we were dogs.

Then we traveled back to Seoul to find Duckie. After he was missing for 3 weeks, I ran into him by chance in an alley. We actually had gotten in a first fight till his hood fell back and I was met with the melanin enriched skin that made my eyes weep.

I told him to leave, go back, that he was welcomed there. But, he didn't want to leave me or Mark. We lived in the shit shack eating nothing but crackers and water for a couple months, sometimes we opted for sleep as our daily meal.

Until Mark came home with money. He had gotten that damn tunnel door open by the grace of a higher-being: filled with cash to the brim.

Us 3 bought a 2 bedroom farm house in the somewhat country where we were best friends with our retired neighbors; their thoughts and whispers of us being in a 3-way relationship being the talk of the small farming town. We didn't care. We knew what we were doing here and what we needed to do in the future.

"Oh honey. I'm home." Donghyuck called through the house and a door opened to a wet Mark who was towel drying his hair in nothing but sweatpants. "Did you get me the stuff?" He asked all serious, and I looked down the dim hallway to see Mark's blonde hair being tossled by his towel.

Hyuck gave him a flat face, a hand on his hip and another holding him up on the counter. "Yes, Mark. I got you your 'stuff'." He rolled his eyes, going away and returning with a big ass watermelon.

"Yesss," Mark took it and automatically held it to his ear, knocking on it like it was a heavy wood door. "you picked a good one." Mark looked lovingly at the fruit in his arms as if it was a child.

I laughed as I looked at my wacky friend. "Why can't you be obsessed with something usual. Like beer, or poker."

The curly headed boy asked as he walked back down the hall towards me. Taking his thick jacket off and throwing it over the arm of the couch; sitting down he unlaced and unzipped his boots, throwing them by the door.

You watched the conversation play out like a terrible teen-sitcom. "Cause I'd rather die by watermelon overdose than alcohol intoxication-" Mark was cut off as he walked slowly to the front room where Hyuck and I sat. "Yeah yeah yeah. Too many big words for this early in the morning." Hyuck put his arm over his eyes and laid back.

Mark looked at me and we both looked at the clock. "Sweetie, its 3 in the afternoon." I giggled and he whined. "It's so early." He said and stood up.

"I'm getting changed and I'm gonna chill." He said looking at Mark who still clutched his watermelon to his bare chest, damp towel thrown over his shoulder.

"And?" Mark asked. "Why do I care?" He asked and the younger boy just shrugged. "Also...your night for dinner." Mark reminded him and Hyuck whined louder, running down the hall and smacking into our bedroom door.

"Donghyuck!" I jumped up, wanting to check if he was okay. He just kept on whining as he opened our door and went in, closing it.

You could still hear his shrieks as he was probably running around getting changed into comfier clothes.

"Then there were two." Mark sighed as he set his watermelon on the kitchen window, and plopping onto the long couch on the opposite side of the living room.

"I need to redo your hair soon." I said getting up and laying on the ground next to his couch. "I might let it grow up to a ponytail." I sat up quickly. "Uh. No you're not." My voice was harsh and he laughed.

"Girl you need to chill. I was joking." He chuckled, stretching and yawning.

Something that Jaemin used to say to me atleast once an hour. My smile faltered and I became more solemn.

"Do you miss them?" I asked and he just stared at me for a moment. "Who?" Was all he said and I knew that he knew exactly who he was talking about but it still hurt a little bit.

"Your boys." I said and a faint smile was broadcasted over his facial features as he stared into what seemed like distant space but was really just the dark TV.

"Of course." He exasperated and he looked back at my face who was just searching for reassurance that this path was the right one to take.

"But I am so thankful for the two of you, right here, right now." He smiled and my heart was put at ease.

"Alright I'm back. I sensed you guys missed me so I returned. Just for you guys!" Hyuck said as he sat down next to me and leaned back on his arms for support. "Oh yeah. 'Cause we were literally dying without your presence." I said sarcastically and he shrugged.

"Exactly. That's what I just said." He said as serious as possible and me and Mark laughed. "Oh you think you're so funny." Donghyuck said picking me up and pulling me on his lap, his hands reaching for my sides and tickling.

My shrieks and laughs radiated through the house as Mark watched on in admiration. He felt blessed that he made it this far. He also never failed to tell us atleast once a week. We were all each other's life and support systems.

Once hyuck stopped his evil act, I just laid there across his lap trying to resteady my breath.

"What's for dinner?" I looked up at him and he shrugged. "I haven't really looked to be completely honest." He said yawning.

"Well let's go see and then we can make it, eat, clean, and then chill for a while." I said getting up and putting my hand out for him to take.

He groaned but obliged at my request.

He was in some shorts and a basic hoodie. The scarring on his legs reminding us all of a dark period. A painful time that sometimes still follows us.

I have a scar on my back from that night. I don't remember anything of the tunnels but the burning pain in my calves, wanting to stop sprinting through the dark and lonely concrete jungle.

Him and I stood infront of the cupboards in silence.

I suddenly felt so tired and out of it. Like a heavy weight was on my chest and it wouldn't budge.

"Oooo. Spaghetti." He said stretching and reaching the noodles and sauce on the top shelf. I shrugged as he looked at me for my reaction to his suggestion.

"You okay?" He asked and I could only shrug and try to give a convincing smile.

"Yeah. Just thinking about stuff." I shrugged once more and he understood.

"Can you help me with dinner?" He asked and of course I agreed, wanting to get my mind off the looming darkness in the corners of the house.

"Alright. We need 2 pots and then you can figure out some sides we can have with it." He said and I was already grabbing the 2 pots.

I set them on the stove top and he began doing his own thing. I rummaged through the cabinets and fridge before feasting my eyes on what seemed like the perfect pairing.

"Salad?"

~~~~~~~~~

Trying to sleep that night was rough. It was just tough and not even the usual cuddly nature of the sleeping Hyuck next to me could lull me into dream land.

The dark feeling still followed me through dinner and to bed.

I tried staring at the wall but even then the small cracks started freaking me out. I turned towards Hyuck who's curly dark hair framed his face perfectly.

Don't get us wrong. We're not a thing. We're just close. Once we found each other again he has stuck to my side in hopes of fulfilling what he thought he didn't in the first place- protection.

I don't mind. We've always been close and now we've just gotten closer. Was sharing a bedroom in our plans?...no...but we didn't want to put up with Mark and his farting so he was blessed with having his own room.

We're just making do with what we have.

My finger lightly traced shapes on his arm tattoos, trying to pass time and get myself to sleep.

I groaned and his eyes opened. "What's wrong?" He asked looking at the alarm clock on the bedside table.

3:29 AM

He turned back to make sure I was okay. He sat up on his arm and just looked at me for a moment. "Are you hurt?" Was all he asked and I shook my head no. I wouldn't know how to explain the hurt I was feeling anyway.

"I just need water." I said getting up and crawling to the end of the bed. "Be back in 5 minutes please." He said grabbing his phone. I mumbled my recognition and opened our door.

I strided down the hall and grabbed a water bottle. I walked into the hall where the corridor meets living room. Hyuck's phone lit one end of the hall in our bedroom while the other was illuminated by the moon light.

1 sip.

I breathed and looked out the front window at the old couples house across from ours.

2 sips.

I can hear my heart beat as I try to drown it out with gulps of water.

3 sips.

I have a sudden urge to sprint up and down our street to try and rid the shakiness of my body.

4 sips.

I'm not even cold but my anxiety makes my bones sound like wooden spoons and my body go cold with shivers.

And that's when I see it.

The shadow.

It moved on the front porch.

"I'm going crazy." I spoke in a monotone.

"What?" I heard Hyuck call out, now sitting up in the bed.

The shadow came closer to the door, an arm raised, as if it was going to bash in the glass.

"That's not real." I said louder, my water bottle now dropped from my cold hand.

I heard a thud and a swear along with an opening door.

"Mark. Up, now." And a pair of feet come closer down the dark hallway.

The shadow just seemed frozen now as Hyuck stood right by me.

"What is that?" He muttered and Mark now was coming closer, trying to see tiredly through his glasses.

The arm went back and forth a couple of times. "Hyuck go get your gun." Mark said lowly but I wanted to fight this thing head on.

I walked straight to the door before any of their hands could grab me. I threw the door open as my heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest.

I was met with bleached blonde hair, a blood splattered face, a cold stare, and a muscly build that held ink and a face of an old someone I used to know.

"Jeno?" I choked out, wanting to vomit as my body went numb from shock. This wasn't real. I was dreaming. This wasn't happening.

I held my hands out towards his face, moving ever so slowly until his own hands held my own.

The boys behind me became silent as I knew one of them held a gun, still on edge for this too good to be true situation.

I threw myself at him and just held onto his muscular frame. His arms held me tight in a grip that I used to miss.

The metallic smell on him made my nose scrunch up in disgust but I was just too wrapped into the moment to care.

My body was yanked back forcefully and I was thrown back into the living room at the feet of a shell shocked Mark who could nothing but stare forward.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I thought Donghyuck was losing it as he cocked his gun and held it at the face of his once brother.

"Duckie what are you doing?" I asked getting up and grabbing at his arm.

Jeno just did nothing but stare down the metal barrel in front of his face, his hands being raised next to his head.

"I did a sweep of the surrounding place and it's sketc-" another body came walking up our porch.

The tall boy still seemed lanky but had glasses this time. His hair was now a lighter brown and it seemed like he had grown another 4 inches in the span of a year.

"Jisung?" I muttered and he was still met another gun barrel.

This time from Mark who had shoved me back again.

"Please don't shoot." Jisung pleaded, scared setting into his features.

"We need help. Please." Jisung begged but Jeno still held his stare with Hyuck.

"Everyone is gone." Jisung pleaded.

"Please." He whispered, his eyes were threatening to spill.

[catholicartistsnyc]

Meet: Emily Claire Schmitt

EMILY CLAIRE SCHMITT is a NYC-based playwright. (www.emilyclaireschmitt.com and Twitter: @Eclaire082)

CATHOLIC ARTIST CONNECTION (CAC): What brought you to NYC?

EMILY CLAIRE SCHMITT (ECS): I'm originally from Cincinnati, Ohio and I did my undergrad at Saint Mary's College in Indiana.  I always hoped to move to New York and I was fortunate that a few things fell into place for me when I graduated.  I was accepted into the New School for Drama's MFA program directly from undergrad.  I had applied to schools all over the country, and this happened to be both my top choice and only acceptance letter.  My college boyfriend's family is from Staten Island, so he moved back home and we were able to stay together.  Now that boyfriend is my husband, so I'm here to stay.

CAC: What do you see as your personal mission as a Catholic working in the arts?

ECS: First off, I love this question.  I think about this a lot, and I always try to pray a bit before I start writing, even if what I'm working on isn't an overtly religious piece.  I believe that God wants to be present with us as we grapple with the world and, while I don't let religious doctrines limit the content of my writing, my writing is always filtered through a worldview that God exists.  

A great deal of my art is critical of the institutional Church, but I'm still very insistent that I am a Catholic writer, as opposed to a formerly Catholic writer. There is a fundamental difference between someone who critiques from within and someone who has left the Church and is describing the experience that caused them to leave.  This distinction is supremely important to me.

I believe my vocation as a writer is to be a tool for God to express Themself in the world.  Sometimes this means representing the beauty of God's world, but more often than not it means shining light on that which is not in alignment with the Divine, whether within secular society or within the Church.  I hope that my work makes both religious and secular people uncomfortable.  I hope it makes them wonder what God thinks about them.

CAC: Where have you found support in the Church for your vocation as an artist?

ECS: I've been extremely fortunate to have made great connections with fellow Catholics in the arts.  I've worked with Xavier Theatre and Film, a Jesuit theater company, and they produced a showcase of my play "The Chalice" at the Stonewall Inn.  This was one of the highlights of my career thus far, an intersection of the Catholic and secular world that was truly fulfilling.

CAC: Where have you found support among your fellow artists for your Catholic faith?

ECS: It's a mixed bag.  Grad school was not a positive experience for me in terms of acceptance. After 16 years of Catholic education, I was suddenly in a secular world and I made a lot of mistakes in terms of how I presented myself.  I was wrestling with my faith privately, but fiercely defending it publicly, which is never a good tactic.  I didn't feel safe.  I no longer work with anyone from grad school, and that's best for all of us.

However, post graduation I have really found an artistic community with people of all faiths.  I have frequent collaborators who are non-Catholic Christians, members of other faiths, atheists, and agnostics.  I've found a particular home with The Skeleton Rep, a theater company that focuses on "building modern myth."  My religious beliefs really mesh with their interests, despite being a completely secular company.  I am currently developing a musical with them. 

CAC: How can the Church be more welcoming to artists?

ECS: Stop policing our content.  The vocation of an artist is to observe, critique, and respond.  It is not the vocation of the artist to simply listen and accept doctrine without question.  This means that there is an essential tension between the work of being an artist and the work of being a practicing Catholic.

As an artist, I don't have the luxury of keeping my disagreements with the Church private. I promise I'm listening and it's possible to change my mind. Please be patient with me.

CAC: How can the artistic world be more welcoming to artists of faith?

ECS: I think this is a difficult question because in most of the instances where people have been unwelcoming to me, it's because they have been hurt in some serious way by the Church.  It's taken me a long time to accept that, while I have not personally hurt them, I am part of an institution that has and it's not unreasonable for them to ask me to answer for that.

I try to be clear about my beliefs and about why I have chosen to remain in the Church.  I also try to articulate how I'm striving to make the Church better, while remaining firm in my support of Her.  I have to be both gentle and unafraid about how and why I disagree with the secular world as well.  Once again, I promise I'm listening and it's possible to change my mind.  Please be patient with me.

CAC: Where in NYC do you regularly find spiritual fulfillment?

ECS: I'm a bit of a parish hopper.  When I first came to NYC I fell in love with Saint Francis Xavier, near Union Square. ��Their Young Adults Group was a great community for me, but after moving to Brooklyn and back I'm not as involved as I once was.  I've become more interested in traditional, more formal, liturgies. Saint Joseph of Yorkville is a beautiful neighborhood parish that has a highly reverent modern mass.  There are so many families with children there, it gives me great hope.  And the pastor is the man who reported on McCarrick so that's no small thing.... I like a priest I can respect, for obvious reasons.

When I'm feeling in particular need of deep ritual, I do love a Latin Mass. Saint Agnes by Grand Central is a great place to go for that. 

CAC: Where in NYC do you regularly find artistic fulfillment?

ECS: I already mentioned The Skeleton Rep, but one thing they do which I love are monthly artist salons.  Artists will get together, drink wine, and read new work, either a full play or short plays based on a prompt.  There is no formal feedback, just a chance for the writer to hear her play.  And afterwards we have a party.

CAC: How have you found or built community as a Catholic artist living in NYC?

ECS: Connecting with Brother Joe Hoover at Xavier Theater has really connected me with a great community of Catholic artists.  He has a way of making connections and bringing together a dynamic and diverse group of people with a huge variety of perspectives on the faith.  If you ever get the chance to work with them I highly recommend it.  Joe is a fantastic playwright and actor in his own right.

CAC: What is your daily spiritual practice?

ECS: I wish I had a better one...  I pray every day before I write.  My husband and I pray together before meals.  Recently, we've been doing a daily reflection before bed.  It's just one of those Little Blue Books you pick up from your parish during Advent, but it's been great.

CAC: What is your daily artistic practice? And what are your recommendations to other artists for practicing their craft daily?

ECS: I try to write for an hour every morning after working out and before leaving for work. This is really my sacred time: after my husband leaves, freshly showered, and place to myself.  It's short but it's extremely important.  And I can't stress enough the value of praying before you write. 

CAC: Describe a recent day in which you were most completely living out your vocation as an artist. What happened, and what brought you the most joy?

ECS: The most recent Skeleton Rep salon was on New Year's Eve.  I wrote a short piece for the event which spoke of my Catholic faith and it's relationship to the mission of the company.  Afterwards, another artist present pulled me aside to talk about how he is a Catholic as well but had stopped going to Church.  He was interested in going back, so we spent a long time talking about why I felt it was important for young Catholic artists to be in the faith and engage with it from the inside.  The whole conversation was so fulfilling for me. 

CAC: You actually live in NYC? How!?

ECS: I need to be completely up front and say that I have been incredibly privileged in terms of financial support from my family.  This is something we do not talk about enough in the arts.  My parents paid my rent and my tuition while I was in school and I am debt-free.  I'm also married to someone with a traditional career who contributes the majority of our income.  I am so incredibly fortunate it's not even funny.  

CAC: But seriously, how do you make a living in NYC?

ECS: Even with the financial support, I do have a full-time day job.  I don't know how anyone would make rent or buy groceries without one.  I work in social media marketing, which is great because it's mostly all remote.  I've also been nannying for my cousin's baby so making that sweet side cash.

It's a lot of work, and keeping my passion afloat on top if it, and making sure it remains my focus rather than just a "hobby" is a constant battle.

CAC: How much would you suggest artists moving to NYC budget for their first year?

ECS: I can't give a great answer to this, because it's so varied and I was in school when I started.  But consider that your monthly rent is likely to be over 1K no matter where you live.

CAC: What other practical resources would you recommend to a Catholic artist living in NYC?

ECS: I can't recommend enough reaching out to Xavier Theater for professional connections.  In terms of headshots, Joe Loper is a former classmate of mine who does a great job and is very reasonable. http://joeloper.com/

CAC: What are your top 3 pieces of advice for Catholic artists moving to NYC?

ECS: 1.) Don't rush finding your people.  It's a big city and it takes time.

2.) Exercise.

3.) Go to confession.  Why make art with sin on your soul?

[kyunsies]

MADCH MADCH <3

hello fam - I've had a weird day, I'm super happy I can take the time out to reply to you. always thinking of you though, I hope you're always having a great day. today's been a bit of a non day - a family member has to deal with operations and that's on top of me too so i've just felt a bit winded in life?

YES to you finally conquering that damn cold! do you feel properly replenished now? omg i hate sore throats too - okay i hope this doesn't give you nightmares but when i was a kid i saw a documentary about this terrible disease that manifests at its worst a bit like alzhemiers but it can hit anyone of any age and for the majority of people who get it... one of the first symptoms is a sore throat and i have literally lived in terror of sore throats ever since. but luckily it's a very rare disease. so basically, yes, i understand you.

OMG you know when you're like eight and you don't want to sleep and you're like no i will adult and stay up and it will be glorious - i'm like, CHILD YOU FOOL you could have gone to sleep XD and ugh no responsibilities?! i remember working most of the time when i was a kid and i kind of wish i had wreaked havoc? what was your childhood like? did you get to do lots of fun stuff? i know my mum wishes she had been able to spend more time with me when i was a kid and i'd like to have a family and i'd love her to be able to relax and just spend time with her grandkids? OMG well when you come to europe let me know and then i can show you around and give you a hug in person!

so we're mainly cofe here though cahtolic culture is still big and honestly i'm with you. like religion can be a great influence on you if it's not used in nefarious ways and can help you learn so much - like even if there are things you don't end up agreeing with at least you learn about then so you can make a choice for yourself as opposed to not really knowing anything? agree - people that are really boastful totally put me off, i just can't deal with it at all. but you're right, like it makes us so so hard to forgive ourselves for anything right? like, even if we've done nothing wrong and we shouldn't have to punish ourselves? like i swear i'm apologising for everything haha XD once someone pushed me off the tube and i ended up apologising like ON REFLEX? hasjdkahds XD but i really hope you have people around you that keep bigging you up too! if not i will keep bigging you up :D :D so you know that you are worth it.

i'm sorry you're not looking forward to your final year of uni! think you're almost there though - like this is the final stretch and you'll have like conquered everest you know?! and even if your landing at the end of it isn't as perfect the fact you landed at all means so much and that means you can stand up again and keep going! day at a time and moment at a time you know? i kind of had this moment today (hence my wierd day) when i was worry about everything and i literally sat there like - have i made the right choice and done the right thing and surely i've made the wrong choices in my life and do i actually have any talent cause if not people would actually like my stuff and i had to just be like... a moment at a time sometimes you know? like, just bit by bit and don't sweat the stuff you don't have to? idk i find it hard to do but i hope that helps you - like you'll surmount every little thing bit by bit and before you know it you'll have made it! you were born ready you were <3 <3

TINY SQUAD IS GO! the pant dilemma is truly a massive issue, like IDK how to deal OMG OK SO LAMPSHADING is like when you do big baggy like tops and then like leggings or tights or something skinny on the bottom so... you look like a lampshade? like i guess it makes you look cute and then also it's such an easy way to dress without worrying if you look like a kid that's wearing your mum's clothes?? ahsdjakdhsa XD

AHHHH YES BASIL ME TOO!! what scent did you end up buying? i'm sure it was lush - are your parents near you or is it like a massive special occassion to get to see them? YES agree with your take on musk though! like it feels like idk, something a 50 year old with a cigar in a stuffy country club would wear? like, there's no energy to it but not in a chill mellow way either??! like even if i was going to a dinner thing I would still rather not wear something musky? like i'd still rather it be something a bit sweeter? also like some musk perfumes can be SO STRONG? like i'm like - my nose is choking on this perfume XD

YES BLUE MOON SQUAD AAAAA it is literally one of their finest ever, it's always stayed on my top faves list by them. like ugh yes to the lofi stuff sometimes i just wanna VIBE and be in my feels but not so much i'm too angsty but enough that I'm FEELING feels ya know? what did you think of kiss or death? it really wasn't that kind of vibe but yh i hope they do more lofi jazzy stuff - also cause like not a lot of korean groups play with that sound a lot?

hello mädch's mom as always! nerer apologise for being late, always just happy to hear from you and i hope you are super super well and looking after yourself first and foremost! more than anything <3 (also i take ages to reply too ya know and omg this is so so long ahsdjakhdaskjdh)

love you lots and lots and lots xxxxxxxxxxxx

ANGEL ANGEL !!!!!!!! <3 i know i'm really late to this LKDFJS i've had such a busy week getting some overtime in and then visiting my grandparents' house so i didn't really have a lot of energy to reply to all of this BUT IM HERE AND i can finally give u a good response <3

firstly is your family member okay??? i hope so ;____; how was the rest of your week, and how was your weekend angel? i hope u were able to enjoy your weekend and that everything is okay in the family <3

but YEAH my mom and i are over the stupid cold ;_____; i hate colds,,,, they last way too long lol like i say i know the flu is a little more serious than a cold but i would rather have it for a day or 2 than being stuck feeling lousy for a whole week :( ALSO SLDKFSJDFKLJ OH GOD SEE we are both hypochondriacs ( that's not the best trait to have as a nursing major lol ) but tbh i'm really curious about this rare disease ????? :o sounds really scary tho goodness gracious i wonder what it could be ;____;

also god i was always awful at staying up late as a kid LOL but i know what u mean !!!!!! honestly there was only one time i can recall i had a sleepover with my friend in like the 3rd grade and we tried pulling an all nighter so i think we made it to like 5am but i had to go to bed omg i felt like such garbage LKDSFJ </3 it's just funny bc like as u get older u realize that staying up late is really nothing special and if anything u feel like a train hit you the next morning and adults are so sleep deprived as it is we just *try* to prioritize sleep SLDKFJSDKLJF :') you worked a lot as a child bub?? what kind of things did you do? i didn't start working until i was 15 bc most places here don't allow u to work until this age (unless you're in a family business i guess lol) but all the jobs i had in high school i hated so much ;_____; but my childhood? i would say it was relatively normal LOL like we say all the time i've had a single mom so life was really stressful for her but i always felt loved <3 i always had my mom <3 and we took trips to the beach with my family every year, it was our little tradition !! i went to san diego to visit disney, you know little trips here and there !! and then when i got into my sport and i started getting older my mom and i spent a lot of time and money investing into my sport so most of my weekends consisted of a lot of tournaments and driving far away for me to compete :') i do remember when i was really young like in kindergarten my mom's work was really far away from my school and we had a recital ; i was the "host" where i would introduce all of the songs and stuff and my mom didn't get off of work until like 6 and by the time she made to my recital, it was over :( she told me she cried a lot that night :( i don't remember her doing this (i don't even remember the recital all that much lol) but now that i'm older and i understand more about adulting, i'm sure she was so devastated thinking about it now :( anyways about visiting europe LOL I WILL DEF GIVE U A CALL AND LET U KNOW SO U CAN SHOW ME ALL OF THE COOL PLACES <333333

and about the religion ....... yes ;____; i think it's a great thing if a family decide that they want to do this when they're families; i hope to continue to practice it (even tho we aren't regularly going to church at all hhhh gotta work on that) but there is something about catholic guilt specifically that just makes it soooo hard to like, be easy on yourself? but ,,,,,, i guess it keeps me grounded :( in a self depreciating way ??? LDSKFJ I KNOW U UNDERSTAND ... it's weird for me to put into words ;____; and YEAH :( i think i'm getting a little better at this but i used to apologize all the time for things i never needed to be sorry for hhhh (still do) :')

and yes babe honestly i'm really terrified to start uni :( i think i have this weird anxiety issue i've had it ever since last year but i don't know why i'm so scared and anxious about things that haven't even happened yet ;____; are u like this too? is it normal? i wish i knew :( i guess i won't really feel better until i have made it to graduation, but i just want to do well this year. whatever i do, whether it's exams, or clinical rotation or my preceptorship, i just want to do well ;____; i don't want to do poorly, i want to make my mom proud and i want to work at a place i'll be excited to work at, and most of all i just want everything to work out ,,,, i wish someone could just sit me down and say listen i know what you're going thru is hard but you CAN get thru this and EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS bc no one in my family is in the health sciences (besides my cousin who is studying to be a doctor but she doesn't give a shit about what i do lol) so ;_____; yeah ,,,,,,,,,,, lots of anxiety and apprehension of the unknown :(

LSDKFJSD FOKAY NOW I KNOW WHAT LAMPSHADING IS LMAOOOOOOOOOOO yes i wear those clothes on lazy days LOL the thing is i'm really picky about the length of my oversized crewneck sweaters hhhh the can't be too long bc if it goes below my butt i look like i'm wearing rags LOL so i have to be careful :') but most days i do like, reverse lamp shading lDLKFJSDLKFJ i like wearing flowy pants with a more tight top or like baggy jeans with a tighter shirt or a blouse i can tuck into my jeans LOL but omg its so funny i didn't know what that was :') thank u for the explanation my love <3

OKAY BUT HALF THE REASON I DIDN'T RESPOND IS THAT i was saving this weekend to go to the jo malone store in my mall and !!! I GOT A NEW SCENT AND I'M IN LOVE WITH IT SO MUCH BABE ;____; you have to go smell it if you go there soon and tell me what u think !!!!!! it's called wild bluebell (here is the scent description lol) but the guy behind the counter helping me was soooo amazing and helpful like they really do treat u the best at the store and AH i’m so happy with my purchase <3 my wallet isn’t so much LDSKFJ but nonetheless i know i’ll have it for a long time :)

KISS OR DEATH !!!!! i actually really enjoyed it lol i have seen some ppl not really like the rapping so much but i loved it ;____; i’m super biased obviously LOL but gosh i thought they were all great and minhyuk + hyungwon killed the song for me <333 wouldn’t expect anything less from our monstas !!!!! and my mom is sending her love lol i tell her the work u do and she’s always wondering how ur doing :(((( same for my moots she always asks me about 2 in particular LOL she’s always asking me <3 i love u so much bubbie !!!! iM SO SORRY FOR BEING LATE MY LOVE again i always just want to give u a quality response <3 i love u the absolute most and i hope u had a great weekend !!!!!!! this is my last week at work before i have a week long break before i head for uni so :’) can’t believe i’ve done all this LOL :’) i will be happy to hear from u whenever u come back hun !!!!! TAKE CARE LOVE U <3 

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Buster

Rio: Nance doing me so dirty not giving me chance to give you the scoop of the century before she 📸 Buster: What? Rio: Get with the times, boy! Rio: Even in her state your sis has managed to get out there and have a successful date, what've you even been doing? Buster: Is this your way of telling me to take you out? Rio: I don't need to be coy about it, babe Rio: Have you looked yet?! Buster: Am I supposed to know who that girl is or what the fuck you're so buzzing about, like? Rio: She's in her year at School Rio: also a gay Rio: also asked Nancy on a date Rio: she asked her, isn't that so cute Buster: Behave Buster: What would she wanna date my sister for? Rio: You're so rude Rio: Why not? And she does so Rio: I was there as the texts were coming in, like Buster: Whatever Rio: 🙄 Buster: You want me to do cartwheels or what, like? Buster: I know I'm at the gym but come on Rio: Glad you're making up for lack of enthusiasm with productivity then, like Rio: You know it's her first date, literal, yeah? Buster: No it's not Buster: Is it? Rio: Yeah Buster: Fucking hell Buster: Least she got it out of the way before uni then Rio: Got there in the end Rio: So cute Buster: Shut up Buster: What are you doing other than planning a gay wedding Rio: Setting up my filming shit Rio: Standard Buster: Let's do something later that doesn't involve a pub full of our fam, yeah? Rio: Intriguing, yeah Rio: What do you have in mind? Buster: I knew I'd feel like going to The Blind Pig again before I left so I did all their bullshit reservation shit Buster: You up for it? Rio: Yeah Rio: Never been so that'll be a laugh Buster: We're doing dinner and cocktails so don't let your dad force feed you Rio: Init tho, not been back that long and swear I'm gaining Rio: like Da, got money to make, please Buster: They love it Buster: Your da doing you a favour Rio: mukbang moment Rio: there is no way those tiny asian girls are swallowing Rio: 'scuse double meaning there but Buster: Indie though Buster: Minus the double meaning 'cause no Rio: if she comes back I'll put her to work Rio: deffo so very illegal, lowkey making myself a madam with it too but you know Buster: 😂 Rio: if that ain't a reason to look after her, like Rio: what is Buster: 'Course Buster: Tell me about this lesbian then Rio: Steady 😏 Rio: Nah, she was nice, normal Rio: chattier than Nance but not like, look at me, look at me Rio: she said this girl gave her her number when she moved her, 'case she needed that solidarity so figure she's gotta be pretty decent Buster: Do you reckon she's the one Nance was talking about last night then? Buster: Like if they've had each other's numbers all that time or whatever Rio: I thought so but then she was saying she's never properly spoke to her and all about not being 'all in' which Rio: why would you be before your first date in my head but doesn't match what she was saying last night so Rio: Not sure now Buster: Yeah Buster: Maybe she's been 😍 from afar? That's gay Rio: True Rio: Other girl seems like she'd be the type to do something about it though Rio: Bold to ask someone out based on some drunk dialing Rio: still got my 👀 Buster: Nance is good at keeping her cards close Buster: Maybe that girl didn't know until she got wrecked Buster: I don't know Rio: Could be, babe, could be Rio: so mad tho Rio: ruining my know-all rep Buster: Unlucky babe Buster: You can get it back by filling in my blanks from last night if you want Rio: When'd it start to get all fuzzy, like? Buster: After I took that bottle and drank it 2/3 I reckon Rio: That'll do it 😂 Rio: Nothing but fun things, trust Buster: Are you trying to say you've got no black spots in your memory after all those Long Islands Rio: Spotless Rio: like my record Rio: but really, woke up in my bed with you and not another cousins so, how bad can it be? Buster: Don't Buster: So unfunny Rio: You know I got jokes Buster: I know you call 'em that Rio: Rude Rio: I remember you laughing last night Rio: Definitely Buster: Yeah? Buster: Must've been at and not with Rio: 😮 Rio: 😠 Rio: How dare you Buster: Those who dare, babe Buster: You know Rio: Not winning any points here, boy Buster: Not yet Buster: I've got plenty of time Rio: Taking off minutes like it's nothing other here Rio: ticktock Buster: Thought you'd be glad I'm thinking of staying here long enough to have some spare Buster: But I can always go home now if you'd rather Buster: 😏 Rio: 😖 Don't play Rio: how long are you thinking? Buster: But babe, I'm so so so bored Buster: Another fortnight before I gotta start getting shit sorted for the start of school Buster: Might give you a few more days, like Buster: 🤷 Rio: You're not working out hard enough then, are you Rio: Fuck off 😒 Rio: Be nice Buster: 'Cause I wanna work out with you really and you're busy Rio: All adds up now Rio: poor baby Rio: could be there but can't show your cute lil face and what a waste Buster: You'd still get to see it so hardly Rio: True Rio: still such a natural giver, what can I say Buster: True Buster: What I remember of last night really proved it Rio: 😇 Rio: didn't hate being selfish with you though, might make it a modest habit, like Buster: Sounds like my work here is done Buster: Maybe I should go before you change your mind Rio: Stop it Buster: You're so hot Rio: Then say you're gonna stay Rio: Teasing me Buster: Say you want me to Rio: Buster Rio: You know I do Rio: Please Buster: I love it when you say please Buster: You know I'm gonna stay for you, babe Rio: I don't mind begging you, sometimes Rio: but if you go any earlier than you gotta Imma be so mad Buster: I won't Buster: I like it here Buster: But you're hot as fuck when you're mad though Rio: Good Rio: Yeah, hot as fuck in another country to you, think on Buster: All I'm gonna do when I go is think about you Buster: But I don't have to leave yet Rio: Yeah Rio: gotta make the most of it Rio: 'fore it's all maths and physics again for you Buster: Don't even have any hot teachers Buster: 💔 Rio: Gutted Rio: one cliche fantasy I never got to tick off either Buster: You can always borrow my uniform if you feel like you're missing out Rio: Like I ain't got my own Rio: costume cuboard on lock Buster: I remember Rio: You go to an all-boys school or what? Buster: There's girls there Buster: It's just the teachers that's all old fuckers Rio: Ahh, just wondering why you're so deprived and weird then 😜 Buster: What? Rio: Jokes Rio: who ain't thirsty for me Rio: perfectly normal Buster: Fuck off Rio: 😂 Buster: Behave Rio: You're cute with it so you're alright Buster: You called me cute so much last night Buster: Not so bad when you're drunk, babe Buster: All the attitude just falls away like Rio: 'Cos you're a friendly drunk, who knew Nance would be the 😡 one Rio: would not be wanting to call her cute last night, also to afraid to say anything else tho Buster: You don't need to be calling her cute or thinking she is Rio: You wanna be special? Buster: I already am Buster: I want you to recognise it Rio: 😏 Buster: Hilarious Rio: Idk, maybe I'll feel it later Rio: gotta prove it first, like Buster: You got amnesia over night or what? Buster: Maybe I'll take someone else out to The Blind Pig Buster: A girl with memory Rio: No worse than you Rio: Sure you will Buster: What am I forgetting? Rio: Doesn't matter Buster: Yeah it does Buster: Say it Rio: I said I wouldn't hold you to shit you said during sex, that rule applies to when we're fucked up too Buster: And I'm pretty sure I said that you can Buster: If I said it, I meant it Rio: Alright Buster: And? Rio: Shh Buster: No Rio: You don't wanna know Buster: I do if you're upset with me Rio: I ain't Rio: Honest Rio: we all get over emotional when we've had a few Rio: nothing to worry about Buster: Well now you have to tell me Buster: Was I crying or what the fuck? Buster: Stop being weird Rio: No, no you weren't crying Rio: I'm not being weird it's just awkward that I remember and you don't so I'll forget too Buster: Rio Buster: Just tell me Buster: Fuck's sake Rio: Oh my god Rio: just remember I wasn't making a big deal out of this, it was you, alright Buster: You're making a big deal out of it now Buster: Don't fucking start Rio: If you would listen to me just this once Rio: but fine Rio: the L word Rio: not lesbians Rio: that's all Buster: That's not funny Rio: Well, I ain't joking Buster: Bullshit Buster: No I didn't Rio: Why would I make it up? Rio: I didn't want to tell you Buster: Fuck knows Buster: But I know I'd remember that Rio: Don't call me a liar Rio: I don't care, forget it happened Buster: How the fuck am I meant to do that? Buster: You might be telling loads of lads all sorts but Buster: Giving it 'that's all' like Buster: Fucking hell Rio: You made me say Rio: what do you even mean by that? Rio: if this was part of my chat, I think I'd have run into issues before now Buster: Shut up Rio: Little late for that Rio: Jesus Buster: You just can't stop with the jokes, can you? Buster: Christ Rio: It ain't funny Buster: I'm not the one acting like it is Rio: Me either Rio: Where? I didn't Buster: Whatever Rio: Yeah Rio: Exactly Buster: This is bullshit Buster: I'll talk to you later Rio: Don't be a pussy about it Buster: Fuck you Rio: Seriously Buster: Seriously, don't Rio: Why can't you just act like it didn't happen Buster: 'Cause it did Buster: How can you pretend it didn't Rio: We were wasted Rio: doesn't count Buster: Not what you said when Nance was Buster: It's not one rule for her and another for me Rio: That's different Rio: anyway, I'm giving you a free pass here, take it Buster: No it's fucking not Buster: Yeah, well I'm giving you one too Buster: See you around Rio: For fuck's sake Rio: Buster Buster: Don't Rio: I'm sorry

[jezzified]

How Spicy can Thailand get?

As we all know, Thailand is most known for its skincare products, cosmetics, and everything in the world of beauty and fashion. But have you ever tried their Pad Thai? Nam pla prik? Tom Yum Goong? Thai Milk Tea?

The list is endless when it comes to Thai Foods! For us Filipinos, though it's uncommon for us to see places or restaurants that serve the best and cheapest Thai dishes, I guarantee you that you will definitely like their delicacies from dipping sauces, desserts, grilled meats, and everything in between! Nope, this is not advertised! Just stating facts.

Apparently, Filipino food is frequently contrasted over Thai Food because Thai people prefer spicy food than Filipinos. Most of their food is spicy. Some are not a huge fan of spicy food but I LIVE FOR SPICY FOODS. Aside from their foods, like us Filipinos, Rice is life! They pair anything with rice even with mangoes. The infamous 'Mango Sticky Rice' is addictive. You can totally binge on it after having a rough day from your 9-to-5 day job. This trip is the most fun so far since this is the first time that I've ridden on a plane and visited outside the country. We've tried the local eatery and shops which is uncommon for a first-time tourist like me. Personally, I'd rather go to hidden gem places and eat local foods than spend my vacation in a hotel.

So here's Day1:

I've landed from Manila to Thailand from the Airport in less than 2 hours only! Can you imagine that? The travel hour I've spent is less than the travel time I've been spending during college days which takes 3-4 hours daily! So since I landed late at night, I just ate something from 7-11 which is around the corner from the place we're staying.

And I'm not kidding, I can live forever eating 711 every day! Their food is such a bomb! From appetizers to desserts. It feels like whenever you eat something and take your first bite, I feel like they've invested so many herbs and spices that's why it's so flavorful. Here's the quick-to-go snack that I'm addicted to. I always make sure to bring it wherever and packed like 2-3 packs every time we go out.

Day 2:

This is where the fun begins! Since my friend had a local best friend, she drove us to this zoo where we watched the Crocodile show and Elephant Show. Being an earth sign and an animal lover since birth - I cannot bear the fact that I'm watching these animals being used for entertainment purposes. So to stop and avoid bawling while watching - I stepped out and went for an ice cream. Their desserts are so good! I don't have a sweet tooth so when it comes to desserts, I prefer sweets with a pinch of creaminess and milkiness on it.

On our way to the night market, we ate at this local eatery where they serve noodles served with chicken broth soup. It's so good and I feel like they've been boiling the soup for days. Imagine the thick broth and the spices and herbs they've placed on that soup? It's beyond magical. They recommended trying their Jasmine Iced tea which of course I tried and it's new to my palate but it was so refreshing and clears out my taste buds from yesterday's meal.

Until we came at the night market. Sadly, we only went there for dinner and bought something for like an hour or two since it's raining hard. Good thing we wore sneakers because I'm telling you, in Thailand, you will use your feet and nothing but the feet to go places! Unlike here in Manila, you'll be able to call a cab or Tricycle even if it's just two blocks away. Public Transportation in Thailand is exhausting since their buses are scheduled and have their own destination depending on the number from the front side of the bus.

Day 3:

It's our last day in Thailand! Yes, you've read it right. I only spent 3 good days there since I'll work in the office the next day. Time flies so fast. Before we head to the airport, we tried shopping at their mall. Their malls were the same as ours in Binondo, Divisoria, and Mall of Asia. It's crowded because there are a lot of items on sale! Can you believe that? Even with their food, you can ask for a taste test before buying it! Even their milk tea or any powdered beverages. It's quite good to be honest since you can try it out before purchasing it which is a nice move.

On our way to the airport, we almost missed our flight! The traffic was insane but I expected it before then since we head out to the airport on a rush hour. Imagine going out around 5pm-6pm and you'll walk along with all of their office workers, students, and everybody in their place! It's fun running at the airport and this is so far the first and most memorable out-of-the-country trip I've ever had.

I learned a lot and I want to see more! You can never go wrong with traveling anywhere! Aside from the people's smiles and food, you will appreciate how amazing every culture per country is.

[todanceistodream-blog]

On a train to the dentist I was sat opposite to two mothers, without really going into too much into detail about the mothers as beyond what you see on the exterior you really have no idea. One of them was white, the other a very beautiful reflection of modern Islam.

The moment that got me smiling was the 4-5 year old girl, maybe younger, who at some point got off her seat and started marching towards the train door and insisting on it with her finger with a deadly serious look on her face. They were apparently 2 stops early but thinking about it all got me giggling. She wasn't exactly grumpy either (or was she) as she played with her friend but thinking about it made me realise just how open kids really are, and it is us and the world who teach them to hate and all that other delightful stuff.

Both the mothers and kids knew each other from before, but it got me just thinking about the future and whats possible if many start giving eachother human respect they deserve. Surely its the least we can do to start overcoming dishonesty and the pain of those in countries less fortunate than ours. Those that realise they don't want certain people continue ruling over bits of this world, be it a bar or a country, in a way that would make anybody feel unsafe.

I know its wishful thinking, but..

The one that had me think further on how far we've all come and yet to go was when the other mother's child was hoping to get a cuddle by sticking his hands in the air and trying to climb on top of her. Initially I thought she was going to but then sat him down all sensible in the seat next to her, which could've happened for a million reasons, but its fun to wonder.

Finding out the truth about people is one thing, but preparing yourself for moments where you can really help the people that surround you the right way, no matter where they've come from or what they've done is something, is something completely different.

As time goes I'll continue speaking to people in what will be increasingly accessible spaces which can then focus on promotion to the world and getting incredibly inspiring music into Kyiv at such a pivotal moment in its history. For people who will try their hardest to speak their mind as honestly as it comes, and others around who will be able to support that honesty with their own, for hopes of a stronger world.

Full anonymity will have to be ensured in many moments (all the extra measures for those that need them) because I know there are many more people out there who will be speaking about things that much (probably) of the world would rather we don't.

Yesterday I finally returned to Stour Space after many months of distancing myself from it and everyone there (because I simply wasn't ready, will talk more about this later) in hopes of speaking to people I had found the last time I was there, and just to be heard by people who actually listen and already know where the world is headed.

The person I did end up speaking to came out of the blue and also happened to be the first person that I ever spoke to when I came to Stour Space, showed me around, and made me feel a kind of safe different to everywhere I had been before. There were other places in the past that you'd also hope to be that and in a lot of ways were that, but were simply organised by people a kind of dishonest with themselves that affected how honest they would be with you.

A fair bit of awkwardness ensued and head went racing. To think I nearly left at some point to come back tomorrow because that voice really was definitely trying, but ended up just calming down and writing finishing a witness statement by the canal and sunshine for about 2 hours. Was quite a ride but pulled through.

The one I wrote the day before was a much more personal statement about just what happened working at this bar, and why it shouldn't ever have happened in the first place. Personally a first for me but such situations aren't going to continue so I'm staying strong.

It all changes from this moment, and all those difficult situations before happened so that I could truly understand now why it is so important that I continue trusting my gut. After all those other people and places who dismissed me, many who simply would rather shun and shame instead of support, and for all those people who just aren't in a position to do it themselves.

I'm not gonna name any other names here or in the future but know that I've been all over London and even though it has been exhausting its the fact that in it was actually empowering me, little by little.

It got to a point where I was feeling strong enough to discover Stour Space about 6 months ago. I walked in and something only really possible with the idealising I'll never let go of. Even though it got me into all sorts of bad places before I never stopped believing it would get me to people and places the kind of good I've been daydreaming about for a very long time.

What I will be doing is posting both of the witness statements (exactly as they will be seen in court, if it comes to that) a little after I've spoken to the good people from See It From Her (link below) which isn't to say that I'll change my mind or what I wrote but I'm just not ready to share that here. There might be nobody reading now or for a while but it's what feels right and that's a feeling that when respected has gotten me further than I could've ever imagined.

Before writing them I knew that I'd want them to be public just because of how clear the harassment was (on top of many other things) how I felt about it, and I knowing that this situation needed me to be a kind of ready that I'm not letting overwhelm me. I know I might have to go to very serious lengths but See It From Her will be there to support me through the process when I feel ready to proceed.

It's the fact that this is something far bigger than me or this bar and I'm not letting them get away with breaking a law that is almost 9 years old now. It is a very good establishment with a lot of growth on the way, but first it has to first get with the times or people will eventually think twice about who is creating their experiences.

Sincerely believe they are a very good future of bars, only if they have as much passion for it (or money, haha) that will encourage them to do everything that needs to be done to make their bar(s) safe.

Thank you for getting this far, no matter how long it took. Whether you believe it now or not we're going to figure this all out together <3

https://www.seeitfromher.com

See It From Her + (SIFH+) is a project that supports women and those who feel oppressed because of their gender identity, to have a voice and be heard through photography and image.

SIFH+ is exclusively run by, and supports all women (trans, intersex and cis) non-binary, agender and gender variant people

-GF-