#this tangent is gonna get worse so probably don't keep reading if you got this far

[fuckyeahrevresbo]

Personal. Vent. Maybe shouldn't post and probably should delete.

It would mean a lot to me. If people messaged more often. Not just in response, but. Messaging first. Saying they're thinking of me. Asking how it's going. Asking if I want to hang out. It'd. Just mean a lot.

[callipraxia]

[Well, this was supposed to be my big NWHS/ATOTS review...but I literally made it three minutes in before I got on an epic tangent and now I desperately want to write about and read up on stuff related to the tangent. I haven't desperately wanted to write something for quite some time, now, so the review proper will have to wait - as for now, enjoy ten observations on the first three minutes?]

Whew. Here we go. NWHS/ATOTS, planning to watch it straight through, let's go. It's gonna be intense, but we/I can do it. Probably.

Not What He Seems

Aaand now Stan's irradiated his forehead. No way this could ever have terrible consequences. He's better at lab safety than Ford, sure, but that's...reeeealllly not saying much. However, since Ford, Fiddleford, and Stan should probably have all had much worse side effects from constant improper handling of radioactive materials...maybe it's something about Gravity Falls' weirdness that shields them, or it's just not quite as dangerous in this world?

2. "Minor gravitational anomalies." Ford, that...feels like a bit of an understatement? Ok, so, I expect you could have written down "Stan, do not do the thing, it will make the house fly to Oz and destroy half the town. Yes, Stan, I'm specifically talking to you. Don't do it." and it would not have made any difference, but...'minor' is a relative term....

3. I am kind of impressed with Fiddleford managing to sleep, all things considered. Though who knows how long he's been awake, working on the laptop? I would give ten pretties to know what he knows at this point, though.

5. If I hadn't already done an AU stemming from NWHS, I...might be tempted, now that I think about it, to see what I could come up with in response to "what if Fiddleford had been awake when the laptop indicated the device had just become active?"

6. Ooh, is that a picture of a very young Caryn and Filbrick that the twins run under, after they pass the end table and just before Mabel stops in front of the random door she found? It looks...kinda like them, but also kinda pilgrim-y? But the woman's hairstyle is better suited perhaps for a very young Caryn, timeline-wise, and the pictures are more silhouettes than anything, and the male figure wears its hat very low.

7. Also, wow, does the Shack have a lot of doors or what? Manly Dan definitely should have picked different trees to build the Shack from...that, or the reality-breaker in the basement has started affecting geometry slowly upstairs over the decades. Which is also not a bad idea, I guess.

8. "I am the god of destruction!" More like a significant priestess at best, honestly, Mabel - no shade on you, of course, but when you've got the likes of Stanford "let's punch a hole in reality!" Pines, Stanley "danger, blah-blah-blah, can it, Poindexter!" Pines, Fiddleford "homicidal pterodactyl-bot I made when my wife left me" McGucket, and Bill running around in your setting...the competition is pretty intense, y'know?

9. Though I do wonder now if Mabel ever thought about that line again...if she remembered saying that, say, during the period where it looked more and more like the world might end...or that they might all get arrested...or after she heard that keeping the Portal open did not fix her family...maybe even when she handed "Blendin" the Rift, seeking a perfect endless summer....

10. "Plenty of summer left." "Enjoy it while you can, Stan." Stan really did think the kids might well never forgive him for lying to them all this time, and that's even if he got the real Stanford back alive. If he hadn't...if he hadn't, then he was confronted with the possibility of both the kids cutting him off and not even having the satisfaction of success to cling to. Or anything to cling to, unless you count loads of new guilt, now that he has seeming confirmation that he's responsible for Ford's death. I...do not see that ending well, really.

And yet, he took that chance. He could have decided "it's been so long that the odds of success are very low, and these kids are definitely alive and not too irradiated yet. I could just let this go. Settle for what I've got instead of endangering it for a one-in-a-million shot at getting back what I've lost." But he didn't, even though he was aware of how thoroughly failure really was an option. He was gambling everything at once, with no reserves to get him out of town if the dice landed the wrong way - willing, essentially, to burn the world (certainly his own world, but possibly, y'know...the world) for one person, for no better reason than his own feelings about that person and/or what had happened to that person. And I suspect this is at the root of what I find so interesting about him as a character. There's a reason, after all, why characters like this feature in so much of what's considered Literature, folks. [And here there were tangents; while I'm sure I will one day figure out what the character limit for tumblr posts is, I don't have enough hours in today to do it with]

[valentinehorrors]

OMG- THAT FUCKINN ENTRY WAS SO GOOD-

THE REALIZATION WITH CASEY BEING A0ART OF A MURDER AND HIM REALIZING MIKEYS OBSESSION- MIKEY CALLING CASEY A PUP WAS KINDA CUTE AND FUCKED UP- AIGHT THIS IS GONNA TURN INTO A TANGENT BUT I DONT REGRET SHIT

Casey toeing the line of mikeys boundaries knowing that mikey won't kill him makes me think that casey out of everyone has the either the most confidence or the least self preservation skills and that's saying alot- and we got two kisses which is just done so cruelly and bloody which sums up their current relationship, an abuser and his victim,

I feel like the reason why Casey stays with mikey is because he's egoistical too, he likes the fact that he knows a side of mikey that no one else does, that he's seen him unmasked and that he can read him so well now, and also the fact that he can never go back but he would probably do the same thing over and over again not out of love, but out of curiosity, Casey at his core his human(not for long if the Hints are to go by), humans are curious and most of all afraid of the unknown, quite contradicting if u ask me, Casey is afraid of mikey, and also curious by nature, humans will do anything to make sense of the things they don't understand even if it outside of their comprehension and Casey thinks that mikeys feelings towards him is obsession despite it going deeper than that, and as Casey keeps saying her name he's toeing the line of what he can and can't say, but he keeps saying her name because it gets a reaction out of mikey, and if mikey reacts then, he feels and responds like a person would, and Casey holds onto that familiarity like a lifeline, he's desperate to understand mikey in a way that every human understands one another; emotions, Casey's not scared of mikey because he's strong, no he's scared of not understanding him, but as time goes on, he does understand, and then he's no longer afraid. And it feels like he did something that no other human could, and he chases that feeling, till it becomes obsession

-anon

I'm so glad you liked it! I love writing the dark gory shit, and being as horrible as possible when it comes to describing those scenes.

And!

Yeah, they both not great! Casey is an adrenaline junkie at heart and absolutely has zero preservation instincts! Meanwhile Mikey is an egotistical manipulative control freak! They toxic as fuck-

But-

At least they enjoy themselves in their own fucked up way-

Oh and don't worry, it's gonna get worse-

The phrase I always tell myself when writing them is "Happy not healthy."

[girltomboy]

So the decision my bf ended up making was to give up on this semester, study for the next one and get a job in his hometown, save up money to pay his uni debts AND move to the big city next year to finish the rest of his exams. Which is a faulty plan, but at least he didn't fully drop out (a decision for which he gave credit to his friend, who told him not to drop out once, not me or his parents, who have been saying this since forever, but NEVERTHELESS-)

He came over on Thursday to leave some documents at uni, and we spent the weekend together. Our only friend here didn't want to hang out (in reality he was working and we were too lazy to go visit him at work on the other side of the city, but his hostile tone didn't give us many signs of our presence being actually wanted) 🥲 so we ended up going to the house of an old dorm neighbor of my boyfriend's, met his gf and spent an evening there while he ranted about religion. I'm gonna be honest, it was a bit of a shock to me to discover that such people really exist. I mean generally I'm good at wrapping my head around all the different kinds of people who exist in the world, right. I like to believe I'm pretty good at perceiving diverse ideas, personalities, tastes, experiences, etc. outside of my bubble. Right.

Now I don't know what it was, but hearing this guy talk about god and religion in a highly conservative way I haven't even heard my PARENTS talk really shook and scared me a bit. Like he was ranting about immigrants and gays worse than any elderly religious person I've met, and we're talking about a guy who's barely entered his early 20s. Talking about "we have to keep our country clean" when our country has historically never been "clean" in the way he means it, like ever. He proudly told us the story of how he moved out of the dorm because he got paired with a Baptist roommate (a BLACK man too!). Well, according to him it wasn't really the sole reason, but a pretty decisive factor, probably. Anyway, he had a male way of dominating conversations, so fortunately I didn't have to say much (neither did his girlfriend, but he made her wash the dishes, sooo 🤡). But he did put my boyfriend in the spotlight because he mentioned having visited some monasteries with his parents last week. And he casually said it felt pleasant to just be there with his parents, so his friend got activated and started telling him he should do it more often, pray, believe, start reading prayer booklets, etc. He went on all sorts of tangents about how god works in mysterious ways, and suffering is the blessed path. Later on two other dudes showed up (apparently my bf knew them from the dorm too) and they were pretty much as pious as their buddy. So when they arrived, the Christian guy started over and once again centered my boyfriend's beliefs in his rant, and even spoke with his MOM over the phone about how she should take him to church more often, MAKE him pray, MAKE him read prayers, etc. And my boyfriend did not seem to mind, maybe because he was the center of attention during the entire discussion, maybe because they made him explore a topic to which he hadn't given much thought before (although he does describe himself as an atheist, he admitted he felt some sort of inner peace during the monastery visits, which... I kind of understand, but to jump from that simple comment to - YOU HAVE TO GO TO CHURCH NOW, THE LORD IS TRYING TO GET A HOLD OF YOU AND YOU HAVE TO RESPOND TO HIS CALL is a bit 🙄), but EYE was pissed off not just on my own cause my religious trauma was getting activated, but also on his behalf because it seemed to me like they had all cornered him and were pushing him into this whole thing without taking into account his opinion, his wishes, his beliefs AT ALL. And mind you, he was preaching all this stuff while rolling a joint, so if you ask ME, sincerity might not be his strongest suit.

After the religious conversation died down, he started telling an interminable story about some kind of journey he and his girlfriend had (ironically, his girlfriend is also an immigrant, but he probably doesn't consider her as such because of geopolitical reasons 🤡 that's just another slice of his fascism cake). His girlfriend uttered 3 sentences at most, while he bragged about how he organized so many people of so many backgrounds, races, and ethnicities that were traveling with them and became their leader basically. I understood nothing of his story (as much of a chatterbox he is, he sucks at it) but at least we got stoned and my bf suggested we go home after a while. And we had enough time to catch the night bus. On the way home I tried to rant about the religious fella, but we were both too cold and tired, and my boyfriend seemed set not necessarily on defending him, but on finding excuses for him. I guess I get it because they were dorm buddies, and my bf said he didn't use to be so god-crazy before, maybe I got triggered because of my religious past. His talking points were one of the main things that drove me away from organized religions in general. I feel like I shed all traces of respect and inclination towards organized religions, but I kept at least a little bit of spirituality that has nothing to do with them. However, this guy seemed like the polar opposite: all religion but no spirituality, no empathy whatsoever. I mean he wasn't terrible, he was a good host and seemed friendly, affectionate with his gf, generous, overall warm. Until he started talking, that is. 🤪

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

#21

I took like 750 earlier and my days on days of constantly popping pills has brought some kinda shitty side effects. This is a a bit tmi but i figure it would be something that I'd wanna keep track of now. But uh I can now go a whole day without taking a piss. I really gotta work keeping hydrated. I was already chronically dehydrated when I wasn't taking dph but my already not enough water intake with pills that slurp up any and all moisture is definitely not helping. It got so bad that I physically couldn't cry. I'd be in the motion of it but no tears would come. Tho if I'm being real I'm prolly gon do another 500 once it gets a little later. I'm stressing stressing and I just want to pretend nothings wrong for a while. I'm gonna chug hella water in the meantime tho

Warning in advance this post is really long. Both the aftermath and notes are extremely extensive due to me fr fr going through it rn. I figured I'd rather have an overly detailed note that most'll skip but might help one person feel normal than a vague/quick explanation that doesn't give enough info to be of use to anyone genuinely struggling

This is gonna be a long aftermath section cause there's actually a lot I need to explain but if you don't need/want specifics the tldr would be

AFTERMATH

-I think I'm jaundiced rn. I'm not entirely sure as if I am or I'm just looking too hard but I've had previous issues with excess bile so it's a real possibility

-Hella dehydrated. Excessive crying and a high dose has made it a lot worse in a shorter amount of time. I can't cry again due to how little water I have in me

-Appetite has been hugely varies day by day but lately I haven't really been wanting/remembering to eat. It has been damn near 24 hours since I've ate last and even then I didn't eat much. I feel sick cause of it

-I don't feel overly sickly tho. I feel pretty much normalish considering everything that went down last night

The rest of this is a lot of rambling but those points are the general jist of it. Definitely read if you're curious about how all that happened.

....or if you wanna see me whining about R's partner for the probably 50th time now.... T^T

Soo I ended up taking 600/650 (dont remember which) after I was crying for so.. sooo long. I was crying so hard that I gave myself a headache and my stomach/chest kinda hurt from me trying to hold back from sobbing too loudly. I eventually stopped once I had to go upstairs for some toilet paper cause my nose... yuck.. I literally never cry for long enough where that's an issue but I was sulking one second and that SPRINTING up the stairs the next. The shit was threatening to fall out my nose and like... it was either gonna fall on me or my bed or my floor... basically my snot was tryna play flee the facility and while I was in a shitty mood, I was not in a bad enough mood to chill with snot all over me

Though I don't know what possessed me in that moment but I took a video of myself while I was up there. You could clearly see my red ass eyes and my puffy eyelids. I will confess I do kinda like how I look after I cry cause of the puffy thing but I mean. Usually I would have the common sense to know no one else is gonna see it that way so there is literally 0 point to try and take pictures like that.

Sorry slight tangent. I bring all that up cause when I rewatched the video, I noticed that my skin looked a little off. I've been breaking out for a few reasons lately and I was picking at my skin for a bit out of stress. So when I watched the video and it was like.. smooth looking I was kinda like ?? my camera must suck ass. Thats weird

But today I looked at it and I feel like I looked glowyish which was strange. I was just sitting there like, it aint even like shiny glowy I'm just lighter looking.. then I noticed I was weirdly yellow. I was just sitting there looking like.. am i tripping? so I go to the bathroom and I ofc, looked sickly. I mean. That's a given. I took 1.5k in a single day, I haven't taken any since I woke up, barely slept, barely ate, dehydrated, sobbed for hours... I am a hot mess. God. Anyway. I looked way different than I ever had before. I know how I look when I'm withdrawing and this was worse. Usually if I feel like shit, I look like shit but I really wasn't expecting what I saw. I looked yellowish and with my lips being dry it made them look paler/ashy so the combo wass just kinda shocking

Content warning: specifics on stool junk. Skip the green section if you don't wanna hear it

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I've had this one symptom for quite a while now but I felt like it was a bit tmi but at this point, I want to be entirely transparent. When I stopped for that week and relapsed tryna do dxm, I basically felt the sameish as I did before the break and I thought nothing of it. But as I started ramping up my habit again, I noticed that I would need to poo like RIGHT after I took my pills. It was so weird. 10-20 mins after without fail, I'd need to go. Then once I started taking it multiple times a day, I'd also need to need to go multiple times a day. It was so fucking annoying as I'm a person that needs to go a few times a week. Depending on what I'm eating, i'd prolly go 3-5 times a week. So going from that to every single day/multiple times a day drove me nuts.

That in itself was already so annoying but I would've accepted it if that's all it was. But during that time, anytime I had those pill induced shits it would burn so bad. It was the weirdest sensation. I'm sure everyone has experienced eating a spicy food and then immediately regretting it once it's time to pass it. And I mean with that, yeah it hurts but it mostly dissipates once its out. But this shit... oh my god. The burn of it was different from anything I've ever had before. It'd literally hurt for so long after. Not to where it's excruciating but it was just odd to feel my junk burning off some junk I passed 10 mins ago. When I did it multiple times a day however.. that's when I couldn't take it. It'd burn damn near everytime as is but not getting a long enough time inbetween this junk made it sting worse and worse.

Around this time I started to google junk cause it was getting out of hand. My stool was always green during that time so I looked into that first. I saw mostly people talking about it's harmless most of the time and probably diet based but I knew I had to be a special case. So I kept looking when I found out about the possibility of having bile in my junk and it all made sense. My acid reflux has been worse, the burning would make perfect sense, and plus I saw that if your body digests the junk too quick there's sometimes an excessive amount of unabsorbed bile. I irritated tf out of my stomach with all the pills so I would not be shocked my stomach would just want whatevers inflaming out as SOON as possible.

After a while, I just was tired of being in pain and I'd just ignore my stomach whining to get that mess out of me. It was getting to be entirely too much and I knew it'd probably reopen my ulcer but I couldn't be bothered to care

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Anyway I explain all that because when I was looking into jaundice causes all I was seeing was mentions about liver shit and excessive bile can leave you looking yellow/green. With my excessive bile thing happening before, I knew that was probably what it was. I'm gonna hope that the combo of me taking hella pills without drinking much water is what made my liver play me this time. I don't want that to be an actual thing I have to be conscious of.. I don't want my parents to drag me to the doctor's office and if they saw me like that it's basically guaranteed. Honestly, they probably wouldn't even bother they'd prolly go straight to urgent care. I can't even imagine all the explaining I'd have to do.. All the issues the doctor could point out. God. What if they see all the benadryl floating around my system and know I'm abusing them without me even saying anything?? What if they tell my parents behind my back?? I know they can't afford to put me in some fancy ass rehab shit. Where th would you even find that..

So in order to not have my minion-esque skin be what gets me found out, I'm gonna start going out my way to chug water where I can and start tapering off again. I've noticed I haven't really had that sickly out of it feel when I get into the 500+ range so I'm guessing if I lower it from that I should probably be good? I dunno. For now I'm not saying I'm quitting as I have no clue how long it'll take to get used to lower and lower amounts but at the very least I won't be going back to my peak doses. That 750 I took was the most I've had since pre relapse and it'd be so easy to slide back into my everyday 750-1.25k range atp but it really isn't worth it. I'd have to drink so much water to accommodate that and if I do now gotta worry about jaundice I'm sure giving my liver even more meds to process would be a extremely poor decision.

I am exhausted though.. Now that I'm done writing this I'm honestly bouta take a nap

R and her girlfriend are going through a really rough patch right now. To the point where she thinks her partner is going to leave her. She's been real focused on working and stuff and i guess with that she didn't notice that she was going through something..?

NOTES/EMOTIONS

The funny part is she was working that hard so that they could move in together next year. Something they both were really set on. It's kinda sad. R must be so confused.

The thing is like.. this has been a CONSTANTT on and off issue for them. I fully get wanting to hang with her but this is what... 5th? 6th? time that they've had strain because of how much they hang. And that's only the times that my bsf has told me about. It just like.. what else can she do? They still talk everyday and she still doesn't really play/talk to many other people to give her her for the most part completely undivided attention. But at the same point, this is R's first time having a job where she has hours hours. I'm sure that shit can be tiring as is but she literally aint used to it yet. She only started working long long shifts 2-3 weeks ago. She be exhausted. I feel like her partner wants her to just sit there and talk to morning to evening like she did when she didn't have all too many time commitments and it just aint realistic. I don't get why they're still fighting on that

They fight a lot in general. It feels like every few days she'll seem off and I'll be like oh I'm sorry and try and comfort her and junk. But then theyre just "back good" by the next day. I don't think either of em are addressing the real problem if they need to argue so damn much

Plus, I don't see how R doesn't see it but she said it herself she brought up them feeling distant, her girlfriend didn't change literally anything. She said it for herself and still ended up blaming herself by the end of it. She thinks that she was neglecting her and it was her fault for not knowing about her struggles even though she has literally brought it up multiple times... plus she focuses focuses on her once she gets back. SO it's just like.. I dunno. I just feel like her partner just.. aint it

That sounds so harsh but I mean. God. She made R feel like she had to drop all her damn hobbies and "grow up", she makes her feel like shit for STRUGGLING with multiple addictions because R said she'd quit and apparently her relapsing means she was lying the whole time, gives her the cold shoulder whenever she feels like knowing damn well R is terrified of abandonment and'll go nuts and do whatever to get her back whether its right or wrong to, plus like my bsf LOVES weed and her partner wants her to quit by the time they move in together.

To me, I think that the two need to breakup. My bsf's partner clearly wants a whole different person and I don't think R should feel bad for not just forcing herself in the perfect partner mold.

The thing that's been irking me the most is her giving R the cold shoulder when she gets high with no fucking thought on context. She has literally been escaping through that shit for damn near 5 years at this point. I fully get not understanding that shit cause you don't do that sort of thing. I'm glad she doesn't honestly. It'd be one more thing for R to stress on plus she can be her voice of reason.. Well okay if she actually gave enough of a fuck to be a voice of reason she could be. But that's the thing. She just parrots out the "right thing" and get mad that my bsf can't just poof into sobriety. I'm so tired of R coming to me in distress cause her girlfriend is icing her out cause she smoked a single cig. or weed to help her sleep.. Just like. Stupid shit. She gives 0 positive reinforcement whatsoever. How does she not see how damn far R has come??

When I first met her, she'd causally take dxm day after day and get so messed up on that shit she'd actually blackout. She used to stay high or drunk. Didn't matter that it was hurting her. She just wanted an escape. But now?? She is so much more responsible. She actually googles and researches instead of just doing whatever with no concern with her health. She doesn't take dxm anymore cause she saw that it could possible heighten her blood pressure. She doesn't really take dph anymore... tho there has been a few occasions these last few months. She smokes like.. 2-3 cigs a dayish when before she could go through an entire pack within a single day. She only smokes weed every once in a while vs when before she'd CONSTANTLY going through pen after pen

LIKE?? I just. I hate that she makes R feel so shitty for not being 100% with that stuff. I feel like she doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm proud of her for all the changes she's made within the last few months but hearing it from her partner would mean the world to her. How hard is it to just support her?? So fucking selfish.

Plus some of the time she does that shit, she ain't even doing it cause she wants to and her partner NEVER CONSIDERS THAT.R's heart has been being weird for months now. Doctors ain't really been helping too much as far as solutions go and with her liver being fucked beforehand she has to just take it at times. The medicine she has available to her has they own pros and cons. Which leads her to sometimes smoke to not feel that shit so much.

I remember this one day me and her didn't talk much the whole day so I freaked out and tried to get through to her through damn near every form of contact I had. I damn near texted her mom but I thought that would be too much for day 1 so I had a draft written up for if she was gone. I was terrified. She never just dips like that.

...Only for her to text me back about an hour later. I was slightly annoyed at first but once she explained I bout cried. She was in so much pain that she oded on dph so she could sleep it off. She started opening up about how much pain she be in and how the bp pills have so many side effects and she can't really take tylenol anymore cause of her liver. A lot the time when she smokes weed/take dph its to dull the pain of that. It's why I try to be as vocal as I can about supporting her on that shit. I don't want her to be dependent on ANYTHING ofc but I can't imagine having to sit there in excruciating pain with little to help you.

To have your own partner just... disregard that cause she doesn't like her being on anything just grosses me out.

But despite all that, I am still.. so fucking sad for my bsf. She really loves that girl and even with their severely unbalanced relationship I know her partner has her good qualities. I couldn't imagine being in her shoes rn. Feeling like all your accomplishments and growth was for nothing cause at the end of the day you lost the reason you were pushing yourself so hard.

This is honestly the worst case scenario. I've been dreading this day so much. On one hand, if they do end up breaking things off, at least she won't have to deal with all the stressors of being stranded in a completely diff state. I knew being around each other 24/7 would eventually force a lot of their issues to the forefront and seeing how they respond to disagreements as is I couldn't imagine that arrangement lasting for too long. But at the same time.. R is not gonna see their dynamic for what it is until she is long long over it. There are no positives for her in this you know? She's not gonna see it as a lesson to only put your all into relationships once you see the same from them. All she's seeing it as is a another person abandoning her. Another person she isnt good enough for.

I wish I could pull her out that pit myself. I hate that I have to just sit there and watch for now. I remember how hurt I was over a 2mo relationship with a fucking groomer. I didn't accept that shit for yearssss. I can't imagine having someone you have so many memories with possibly leaving from your life

I hope to god she doesn't do anything too rash. I know she's going to spiral.. She's probably passed out drunk rn tbr. And she's prolly gon be hurting herself for a looong long time. It makes me so upset. I hate that she's gonna treat herself like dirt because she wasn't able to transform into the picture perfect partner her girlfriend expected her to be. I wish I could just say a magic word and she'd just be over it.

I don't know how I want to approach comforting her if things do end up ending. On one hand, we used to talk alot more and she was a lot more open about her feelings pre treating-her-girlfriend-like-she-treated-me mode so would it be good for me to try and get her back to that? Does that come off as me trying to replace her gf? Will she think I'm just tryna make her like me back and I'm just rushing to steal her partners spot? And plus like.. I know how this shit goes. No matter what I say or do she's still going to hurt. Will me trying to distract her just annoy her? Is that actually helpful?

God.. I feel like I've been writing forever. I'm sorry. First time in a while and I just started going on and on. But that ll is a pretty thorough breakdown of everything on my mind right now. I am so scared on what R is going to be doing to try and cope. And I'm scared that her possible ex is gonna be a sore spot for her for a while. I'm not really hoping they get back together but I kinda am at the same time. I wish that they'd break up on R's terms. I know the after stuff would be a lot easier on her that way. She would've already come to the terms that their relationship aint feasible for one reason or another which is a huge step as is.

Buuut. nope. Well. Ig it aint guaranteed. They might not breakup at all. I'm gonna hope they do tho. She doesn't need someone that'll sit there and purposely punish and hurt her cause they don't get their way. Sorry again for the long ass notes section. I'm just really scared

[plantanarchy]

do you think you could talk a little about being autistic? im wondering if i might be autistic and im still not sure bc i like pass as neurotypical rlly well so far and i thought it would help to hear about actual people's experiences. you don't have to though and im sorry if this is weird!!

This has been in my inbox for a bit, I’m sorry! But yeah, I can talk about it. Keep in mind that everyone’s experience is different and its less of a “spectrum” from mild to severe/low to high functioning and more of a complex where different people have different experiences. A lot of people use functioning labels to dismiss the experience and opinions of “high functioning” folk when it comes to being autistic because tjey “don’t seem autistic” or “aren’t like those other low functioning autistic people”, but really “function” is relative and can even change day to day… on someone’s bad days they could be totally nonverbal rocking back and forth and on good days pass better at neurotypical than I do…

Ok so, I was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was ~10. I was essentially non-verbal in school and other high stress social situations and had been since I was very very young. This was interpreted as “very shy!” despite me having severe difficulty from a young age in saying anything at all to teachers, doctors, church people, even many of my peers, etc and often feeling like i was physically unable to speak but you know… because I spoke at home and with my neighborhood friends, I wasn’t considered non-verbal at all. Or I guess selective mutism is the correct term which is something I definitely still struggle with. Like when I was in middle school, I spent a few years literally being known by my mom’s friends and by some people at school as “Meep” because thata fuckin all I could physically say when somebody tried to talk to me haha

BUT ok that got away from me, point being: i was diagnosed with Aspergers at a young age which is a diagnosis that no longer exists/has been absorbed into the greater Autism diagnosis. Aspergers was separate for a long time because it was basically used to say “these kids are high functioning and different than those low functioning non communicative kids!”. Basically because I had most of the “cool and good” autism traits, my “not as cool and kinda crippling” autism traits and needs got shoved aside and essentially ignored for a long, long time. Which I think happens to a lot of kids! Even to the point of not getting a diagnosis at all or getting a wrong diagnosis and only realizing later in life what may be going on and what was missed.

Whoops before this becomes a bitter tangent, back to my experience of autism I guess. Ok, so on top of still being selectively verbal/mute (some days are worse than others and sometimes it isn’t even directly anxiety related it’s just a mostly mute day), my other symptoms include 1) it’s almost physically painful to make eye contact with anyone 2) formal social situations are beyond me, I never know what is correct or what’s coming next and usually I survive informal social situations by cracking jokes and making weird references to shit or being obnoxious and just accepting the label of “weird ass obnoxious kid but that’s just bre” 3) usually feel like I’m just two steps away from understanding what’s going on in some social situations lol like sometimes i have good intuition, can read people, can guess at what they’re thinking and then something happens that makes me question my entire interpretation of the situation and I realize maybe I wasn’t reading them correctly the whole time!!!! It’s the social equivalent of being the only one to get a wrong answer on a math problem and frantically rechecking your work lol 4) sensory overload yayyyyy when too many things happen at once (which can be like… 2 thing), I zone out and feel like my environment is unreal or blurry (fun and cool dissociation) and I can never predict what will cause that overload or when but also a lot of people have the very dramatic “autistic child screaming from sensory overload” image in their brain and thats not always accurate… my overload results in shut down 5) also along with that, I have sensory issues such as texture, sounds, etc. Certain fabrics as a kid would legit make me cry if I touched them or if my mom made me wear them (WINDBREAKERS ARE SENSORY HELL) and that still happens lol also with stuff like… chewing sounds, shoes that touch my toes in any way, loud music/bass, etc 6) along with that and with sensory overload… stimming. Stimming is basically a self-regulatory response to overwhelming stimuli and plenty of non-autistic people also do similar things when faced with high anxiety situations. Like foot jiggling, pencil tapping, nail biting, pencil chewing, etc it’s basically a soothing compulsion and not always something many autistic people can control without great effort and that control comes at the cost of not regulating anxieties or sensory overload well. I’ve got and always have had a lot of verbal/language stims and am very reptitive in my speech and writing patterns (y'all and lad anyone???) which is kinda self soothing. I have literally always had catchphrases. When im on my own i also do rock baxk and forth and other repititive body motions, also fidgeting with objects, especially cool round objects 7) catalog all the useless info in my brain!!! I can memorize information very well (not numbers though) and when I was a kiddo that got me labelled as #gifted and I was “savant” level in reading and writing but that is less cool and fun to people than beinf a math or science savant or something. 8) anyway related to that, as evidenced by this blog, I get VERY INVESTED in certain topics/ “special interests” to the point that it eclipses all other thoughts in my brain yay!!! Which isn’t a bad thing, I mean it gets me through and also if you have “good” special interests, people think you’re smart and interesting and ask your advice about stuff lol

Symptoms I don’t have that a lot of people think of when they think of an autistic person 1) I am horrendous at math I fuckin hate it numbers are the devil!!!!!! 2) 99% of my humor is sarcasm and I can understand it and figures of speech lol though sometimes i do get it wrong if i can’t read you otherwise 3) I don’t have “zero empathy”, I can feel for the plights of others VERY strongly, and can usually see any (most) POVs if it’s explained to me

There are others probably and there are certainly autistic people who have thise traits and who have different traits than I have. There are LOADS of different ways to be autistic. But also, there’s a lot of overlap between autism and between other things like ADHD, anxiety disorders, etc! So keep that in mind. Some people are strongly anti-selfdiagnosis of autism but knowing how easy it can be for kids who don’t present 100% stereotypically to slip through the cracks, I am all for it. I pass a lot of the time as neurotypical and can do most society things ok, though I have a steep learning curve compared to others… and with passing as neurotypical comes the frequent dismissal of my opinion on autism related topics and the lack of acknowledgement that actually I often DON’T pass as neurotypical and at those times my lack of passing is interpreted as rudeness, deliberate lack of effort on my part, stubbornness, lack of intelligence, lack of professionalism, an assumption that I’m angry with someone or don’t like them, etc etc. It’s an endless, awful cycle!

And I don’t really have too much personal advice for figuring out if you’re autistic or not… I did go through a point in time where despite being diagnosed I strongly denied that I was autistic and kind of had to come back to that as a near adult and realize nope… definitely autistic. And then knowing what to do with that info once youve figured it out is just… I mean there’s not much. There are little to no resources for autistic adults, very few support groups made up of autistic people and led by autistic people, very little resources directed at autistic people themselves in general, usually the focus is on the parents or guardians and talk aboit autistic people as abstract concepts… whoops, can you tell I’m bitter haha gonna end this before I go full “mental health professionals failed me and I’m a mess” etc

[mittensmorgul]

hey, mittens! do you feel it was a little wasted to let Claire hear from the werewolf bartender the effect the BMOL's actions had on his pack/on him specifically, peaceful -> violent, rather than let SamnDean hear it? I guess they kNOw in general, already, but extra confirmation or Mick hearing it would have been good. unless we can assume Claire told them after, but I don't like to assume anyone communicates on SPN, haha. Not sure why Claire had to know if she'll be gone the rest of the season?

[2/2] but maybe she’ll come back! maybe it was enough instilling-of-doubt that SamnDean have Garth, the vamp episode earlier, and Mick was horrified by killing that girl, and I expect the Claire experience really affected him. would too much doubt accelerate the plot too fast? meanwhile my skin’s crawling if it’s really in the BMOL’s PLAN to sow discord, make the monsters freak, so that they’re “justified” in their use of force. provocation then the smackdown. too real.

Hey! I read the first line of this and went YES I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS EXACT THING NOT ONE (1) HOUR AGO! And I have some thoughts on the subject!

And then I kept reading and saw the rest of your questions, and wondered OH GOSH IS THIS ANON LIVING INSIDE MY BRAIN?! THERE ARE BUILT-IN TANGENTS FOR ME TO RUN DOWN! I HAVE AN EXCUSE TO WRITE LOTS OF THIIIIIINGS! So I’m gonna try and break all this down logically and address your individual questions in a somewhat organized manner. Hopefully. :D

I’m wondering (like with so many “truths” about the BMoL that WE THE VIEWER know, but Sam and Dean DON’T know, or only know their particular experience with (like Sam knows about the genocide plan and the full Colt history, and Dean knows about Ketch’s ruthlessness), that this was done very intentionally. This is all part of the Rashomon Effect that the entire season’s been built around. They each have a different piece of the full story, but either they’re concealing it (like Sam is thinking he’s somehow protecting his own interests, or he knows that if Dean knew he’d cut ties with the BMoL, and like Mary knows how many genocide missions they’ve run and what they’ve been out killing but doesn’t get why those mission might be dangerous because of what the werewolf dude told Claire in this episode…), only we, the audience, can see the whole picture.

The characters themselves don’t necessarily realize that the information they have may be crucial if it was known by others.

If Claire can even remember that the werewolf gave her this information in the first place (because hey, minor detail delivered in the midst of a rather traumatic event for her), would she think it was relevant to tell Sam and Dean about? She doesn’t know about the MoL’s genocide plan. She doesn’t know that Mick’s organization was the one who orchestrated the hunt that wiped out this werewolf’s otherwise peaceful family. And the fact that some hunter DID wipe out his family probably doesn’t seem all that significant to her without that context, you know?

She’s got information that’s important to Sam and Dean, but she has no way to KNOW it’s important to them…

As to the second half of your question, whether it’s the BMoL’s intent to sow discord, I’m not entirely sure that IS their intent. I mean, is the obvious side effect of their actions, but based on the events of 11.14 and seeing how woefully unprepared the BMoL were for any sort of retaliation from the monsters they’d been attacking, I’m pretty sure it’s a highly UNEXPECTED (on their behalf) development.

It’s hubris. Hubris is bad.

Mick STILL thinks he’s 100% in the right, and the anomaly that was Claire’s recovery is some sort of “miracle” that he can barely believe despite seeing it with his own eyes. This is a dude that’s absolutely convinced that there’s no such thing as a “good monster.”

His dismissive attitude toward Sam and Dean’s assertion that not all werewolves were evil killing machines proved that point. He truly believes that werewolves have an uncontrollable urge to kill. Period.

And he truly believes that because they’re werewolves (or vampires, or whatever non-human thing) that they have no right to exist.

I mean, the show itself has used lycanthropy (and vampirism) as metaphors for communicable disease, but Mick and the MoL have taken this one genocidal step further. They don’t see the lycanthropy itself as the disease– i.e. the transmission of whatever it is that causes someone to become a werewolf through the infected bite– they see werewolves as the disease. His line about how they hadn’t had a “werewolf outbreak” since the 1920′s was chilling, and telling.

For someone to sign up to wipe out entire populations of beings, there has to be a depersonification of the entire group of beings they intend to destroy. Unless the person in question is a sociopath, their inner moral compass would otherwise object to genocide, you know? So the quickest way to convince people that participating in a genocide is the “right thing to do” is to convince them at the group that needs to be wiped out are unthinking, unfeeling, irrational creatures– that they’re slaves to their baser instincts and have lost all traces of humanity.

THIS is what I think Mick is. He’s the creeping polite veneer of the BMoL’s “Make America Great Again” campaign. He’s drunk the kool aid. He still believes their mission is just. And that’s freaking terrifying.

But because of this attitude, I think that’s partly why he was caught so wrong-footed when the vampires organized the attack on their headquarters. He thinks of them as little more than animals, slaves to their instincts, and as a sort of theoretical and vaguely cartoonish movie villain stereotype of what they are in reality.

This is what happens when oppressors try to dehumanize a population. Resistance forms, and the oppressed band together to fight back. But when the oppressors underestimate the group they’re trying to oppress (or wipe out entirely) and stop thinking of them as people and not mindless beasts, they’ve got two options. Either stop and really come to an understanding of the consequences of their own wrong beliefs and evil actions, or double-down on their evil.

I think Mick’s at a crossroads with this. He still thinks their overall mission is “the right thing to do.” He still believes that everything he learned out of all those books at his precious Kendricks has given him a superior knowledge.

(and gosh don’t those “tests” to cure werewolves sound like some sort of disturbing Mengele-esque bullshit? Like, Magnus and his “zoo” of monsters he experimented with taken to the nth power?)

But in reality, the fact that Mick KNOWS he’s keeping the truth about Magda from Dean after he explicitly used her as an example of the sorts of people they give a second chance to, I think this has truly sealed Mick’s fate. This right here was his “turning point” moment. If he was going to be able to redeem himself, THAT was his opportunity. And he didn’t come clean. He still thinks killing Magda was “the right thing to do.” That she didn’t deserve to live.

Dean’s already given Mick his “second chance” warning that he gives to the “monsters” they believe might be able to live normal lives. He believes that Mick is one of those “human monsters.” 

(and because Dean hasn’t been told the full truth about the MoL’s intentions with their genocide, for Dean this is just one of his creeping gut instincts about the guy right now. But once he does learn the full truth– in addition to the fact that Mick had already blown his “second chance” with the Magda thing– I’m pretty sure Dean would feel he had all the proof he needed to know that Mick was a far worse “monster” than any werewolf he’d ever hunted…)