#this song drives me crazy but I genuinely truly literally cannot stop listening to it

[uglygirlstatus]

song of the summer

[justscreamingnothing]

Friends

What bothers me about the current state of my friendships is that I don’t really feel like I have anyone I’m very close to. I’m grateful for the friends I have but I just wish I had a really close group of friends I could completely be myself with. I love z** but theres a big part of my life that he just doesn’t know and he wont know because we don’t live close to each other and don’t really know certain parts of each others lives because of this. I wish we could be more involved in each others lives but theres just something about someone being so far away, I would feel like a burden if I had to contact him for something. Even like, emotional support or something. And then the irl friends I have are just too judgmental as people. Like ok, tbh they’ve helped me out in a lot of aspects, like getting a car or driving me around when I didn’t have a car, or that whole thing helping out my little brother with college stuff but I wish they weren’t so finnicky and judgmental, its almost like I’m trying to impress someone very important at every fucking turn. The dynamic of the “group” is actually really fucked up in general, we have alyssa, who is at the top by default because I was friends with her first and she is the one who assembled us (i guess?) so everyone always listens to her and does what she does. But for no reason! I don’t get it but its like everyone is always afraid to go against what she says or what she does or what she wants. Her bf is such a nice and sweet guy but GOD do I wish he’d just stand up for himself more, he follows her around like a little puppy dog and does literally ANYTHING she wants. He’s a great person and one of my closest friends but I wish he had more of a backbone. She could tell him to go to the keys and pick up some food from some restaurant she really wants because they make the food the way she likes it and he’d do it!! just like that!! Actually that reminds me of a real life situation where she made him go one town over to get a burger and they forgot her fries so she asked him to go back in 5pm traffic on the busy ass highway..... He did it but he called her halfway there asking if he could just go to mcdonalds to get her fries  because the traffic was too crazy. That was like one of the first times he every stood up for himself and even then it wasn’t that like triumphant. And she had the AUDACITY to get mad at him because he wouldn’t go back for the fries... Another friend of ours is mainly her friend, like we wouldn’t talk if she hadn’t kept in contact with him but we don’t really go out with him too often. He’s also sweet and fun, there’s just that same disconnect there because I don’t talk to him much and there are details of his life I don’t know. I’m glad he’s his own person though, he has an entire life outside of us and while like obviously he does because why wouldn’t he, it makes me happy. 

I guess one of her biggest problems is that she truly does believe the world revolves around her. And honestly? The people she keeps around help support her theory because they constantly kiss her ass. Except her mother who just chooses to be emotionally manipulative sometimes but everyone else is literally up her ass and when someone challenges that she has a break down. It’s kind of ridiculous to see how she interacts with the world and to examine all the things she does for attention. She had this friend one time that was like a cool normal girl and something happened so they stopped talking and she made a big deal out of it saying that the girl did all this shit (that honestly I can’t remember) but despite all that to this day I am convinced that the other girl was in the right and probably better off not being friends with her anymore. I’m honestly relieved that she moved away because I literally cannot imagine having her here all the time. Even when we hung out last night there were just parts of it that were stressful. Like, why can’t I have a group of friends that like to have fun and sing in the car instead of ones that constantly tease and put you down? Its just a song, fucking relax and sing along theres no need to be like “ugh -_- are you really doing this right now?” Youre not cool funny or smart... fucking drop the act. In general I would just like to be around people that support me, not just tolerate me. That’s how it feels I guess, that people are tolerating me. It’s uncomfortable and sad and I just want a few friends I can be emotionally open with. The group I have now, we’ve known each other a while and in a way, we are really close, but there are certain things I won’t bring up because I know that they’ll either 1. tease me about it when what I need is reassurance 2. not have empathy 3. not even try to sympathize. That’s so awful! I feel like I try to be a good friend and I’m not seeing that reflected back to me. 

It’s lame to see people be like “i made this one mistake years ago and if that ONE THING wouldn’t have happened my life would be completely different and perfect:(” because there’s a lot more to life than that but I wish I never would have become friends with this girl. I truly don’t know what my life would look like because its not like it would have changed where I went to college or anything but maybe I would have made different friends and been a happier person. You never know, maybe I wouldn’t have made any other friends and I’d be miserable right now but I think I would have been better off as far as my self esteem goes. I don’t know why I never had the confidence in high school to just stop being this girls friend because obviously she’s a very self absorbed, jealous, and judgmental person and that’s never good to be around but I really should have just said “wow you’re not that great... i’m gonna stop hanging out with you, bye!” I think it speaks more about me and my incessant need to be liked by everyone and be perceived as a likable and cool person that I kept holding on to this friendship. I think that’s a prime piece of advice I’d give my past self, just be genuine and confident and hang out with people who will give you what you give them. In terms of my self esteem, I don’t know how I’d feel if we weren’t friends but being friends with this girl for such a long time was definitely not good for me. I seriously get so pissed off just thinking about all the shit she gives me and other people when they don’t fit her definition of “good” or “normal” oh- and you can’t tell her nothing!! Another awful trait about her is that you legitimately can’t have a conversation with her about her flaws because she’d do what she does best- deny, deny, deny. She would literally just refuse to listen, which she’s done before. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who have to be right all the time, and that’s this girl. She can never be wrong and you can never go against what she’s saying. She is convinced that every word out of her mouth is one hundred percent right and her mind won’t change unless you can provide at least three pieces of concrete solid evidence. One time she told everyone that 75% of homeless people have a mental disability... when I told her that there’s no way thats true not only did she not believe me but she actually got mad at me... I looked it up on my phone, proved her wrong, and then she completely ignored it and me for like a few hours. Who does that?? Just admit you’re wrong! It’s that simple! It’s really not gonna be as embarrassing as you think! And even if it is WHO THE FUCK CARES?? This was the day after she kept trying to wake me up in the car while wee were taking a long drive with the rest of the group because she thought it’d be funny even though I had just worked an 8 hour shift and I was trying to get some rest. God forbid someone ever try to wake HER up, she’d have a fucking fit and ruin the rest of the trip for everyone by being a bossy bitch (well bossiER and bitchiER) and no one would be able to tell her anything about it because again- they all kiss her ass. But when it’s me its fine to keep trying to wake me up to be funny? 

I can’t believe this turned into a long ass rant about this girl but our relationship is so toxic and awful and I just can’t seem to fucking shake her so I guess I have a lot of feelings. It might also have to do with the fact that last night I had a dream that I told her off and just went in on her on what a horrible person she is sometimes and she took it relatively well. She didn’t like fake a panic attack or insult me therefore completely missing the point or anything. Now that I’m typing it out it sucks to see what I expect from her. And she’s given me no reason NOT to expect shit like this from her. It’s funny to think I thought I missed her a few months ago. I was like legit sad because something happened and I just wanted someone to talk to but then I realized- I just wanted a friend. Not her specifically, but a best friend in general. I want someone to be completely vulnerable with, someone that I’m not afraid to talk to, to show all my sides to because I know they will take me seriously. Someone who’ll listen when I talk, which I am sorely lacking. I guess the best listener I have in my life right now is my little brother and he has his own life and friends and he’ll be going off to college soon so that’s a bust. I’ so grateful for the time I have with him but I need someone who’ll be there for me. I guess that’s why I’m so into the idea of moving because I’m so convinced it’ll solve my problems and even if it doesn’t it’ll at least be a change of pace and some desperately needed time away from my parents. That’s something little miss queen got to do- move away from her old life completely and go somewhere that not only is she alone but she doesn’t have to worry about how people perceive her because she can just pretend she’s someone else (she does that sometimes) and her dumbfuck little sugar daddy is paying for it all (as well as school loans- because THAT’S a good idea!) they’re both dumbfucks I guess so it’s fitting. I’m not jealous of her life but I am a little jealous she was able to do all of that so quickly. Don’t get me wrong, she’s making a lot of astronomically stupid financial decisions but sometimes I do wish I could just run away and leave it all behind also. 

The thing is I got a taste of what that would be like when I left the country and it breaks my heart that I’m no longer friends with the girls I roomed with. We got so close on that trip- it really felt like we could talk about anything, we would talk and talk and talk all day and not get tired of each other. And the best part was that they had no preconceived notion of who I was. No one “expected” me to act a certain way (giant pet peeve!) and everyone took me seriously because they had no reason not to. Because that’s just how you’re supposed to treat people. They didn’t laugh at me or brush off what I was saying or blatantly not respond when I was talking to them- we just interacted as people and you know what? Now that I think about it from what I’ve gathered they told me I was really nice and funny and was able to make friends easily so I think that’s how I come off when no one knows me because they don’t already expect me to act a certain way. It’s such a relief too. I can say what I want to say and I act and react the way I want to without fear of repercussion, without fear of being made fun of or ignored. GOD I was in such a bad place with my friends!! Why have I supported this for so many years? Its not 100% like this now but for a while I really felt so small, so afraid to speak up for myself in my LITERAL GROUP OF FRIENDS. The ones you’re supposed to be able to trust the most!!! I’m glad I’ve stepped away a little and even though I’ve been a little lonely typing this all out has reminded me that I’m making the right decision. I’m just ready to make a new life with people I can trust and be completely comfortable with.

I’m a fully formed person- I have opinions and ideas and flaws and quirks and attributes. I’m not afraid of being wrong or not knowing. I’m not afraid of being honest and genuine. I like to help people, to be nice, and to crack jokes. I like it when other people are happy. I wish everyone in the world was good and kind and compassionate and that we could all be happy all the time. I wish people lived as good as I do, I wish I lived better than I do. I can’t take it when the news are sad or when a character dies on tv. I don’t like watching things that are too emotionally heavy for fear it’ll make me sad. I wish I could be more than what I am. But here I am. Fully formed, heart full, head spinning, fingers crossed, nerves on end, smiling wide. I wish everything and everyone was good and we could all just do what we love while we live on and cherish God’s green Earth. That’s not the way it is but that’s the way it should be. Here I am, existing at this point in time in the intersection of all of these identities. I don’t know what will happen but all I can do is try my best. Try my best to succeed, to love, to be kind, to not be judgmental, to listen, to laugh, to learn, to continue to exist. Because I am a fully formed person, and I deserve love.