#this shouldn't be the reality of trying to share art online

[canisalbus]

Hello, I'm not sure if you're aware, but tumblr is going to start helping midjourney gather data for their AI. You're one of the artists I follow here pretty actively and I wanted to warn you to maybe start nighshading your art before posting it here so it doesn't get swept up!

I've seen a couple of posts about it. Feeling disappointed but not that surprised. Also not excited about having to start nightshading/glazing my pieces but if there isn't going to be any serious regulations regarding data scraping and ai "art", there aren't a lot of choices.

Thank you for taking the time to warn me just in case, it was very thoughtful of you!

[artfightdramaconfessions]

https://www.tumblr.com/artfightdramaconfessions/753915282882445312/did-everyone-see-this?source=share

My take is that the artfight team really are proving themselves to be SO mid 2010s deviantart brain-poisoned. "Don't be inspired by my style!!!1" was rampant there and it has no basis in reality.

People learn and are influenced by styles constantly. Professionals must learn the confines of a style for their work, whether theyre animators or doing master studies or doing promotional art. There is never any harm in learning a style even if someone else happens to have it. Many people find their own styles through trying to replicate what they love.

Who cares if the person you're inspired by is a famous creator or an online personality? People who can't handle the possibility that others will be inspired by them shouldn't be in the public eye. This is not mid 2010s deviantart, and "don't be inspired by [their] style!!!1" does not work.

Do it anyway and just dont tell anyone where you got the style from if the artfight staff is gonna make it a big deal.

related post

[softcitrus2345]

Hello! This may sound a bit weird, but do you have any advice or recommendations on getting into this niche? I've kind of been watching from afar on several blogs, and I really want to try and test the waters! But I'm not really sure how to go about it, and I'm super scared that I'll end up just talking to a brick wall, having my mutuals find out, or have people ridicule me :')

Thank you for any and all help - I love your art!! Been hanging around for a while now and the progress you've made is so cool

- Clueless Anon

Oh I totally getcha! That's not a weird question at all! /gen /pos

Starting out with this kinda thing is really difficult, I know from experience. It took me months to hype myself up enough to even create this blog, let alone start posting on it, and I had (and still kinda do) those same fears you expressed, they're all very valid but hopefully what I share can help a bit with making your experience more manageable :3

The information I'll share here consists of opinions based on my personal experience posting on this blog, and getting into the belly kink community in general

I'll break it up into steps from what I sorta did when I started out so it makes a bit more sense.

STRUCTURE YOUR BLOG - Make an introduction post with general information about what to expect from your blog, and some other information about yourself if you want to. I like to include a few other things like some of my hard boundaries and leave it as a PINNED POST so that anyone who comes across your account will see this information

BLOCK YOUR MUTUALS - I have the same exact fear of being "found out" by people im close to or just know outside of this space, so once you set up the bare essentials on your blog, look for your mutuals accounts and block them. If you think a mutual of yours might have a blog but you're not sure, ask them! (Something I did was I asked my mutuals to send me their blogs so I could check them out when in reality it was so I could do this exact thing) Don't see blocking as something inherently malicious or bad, it's just a protective measure and a way to curate your experience on the internet in a way that is comfortable for you!

INTERACT WITH YOUR FELLOW ARTISTS! - I know it may not seem like something super important, but interacting with other artists is a very good way to establish yourself in the community, reblogging, tagging and replying to posts you like with nice comments have the potential for others to check out your blog or interact with you as well! I got lucky enough that I found similar communities outside of Tumblr beforehand, but it's still an effective way to get yourself out there and seen!

START POSTING! - Besides my intro post, my first post was something that I wanted to curate in a way that would encourage conversation. I shared several of my ocs that I planned on posting here and some basic information about them, and opened up asks! It's always gonna be a pretty slow start, but as long as you put the time into your work and are passionate about what you want to share, people will find your stuff! It's hard sometimes, especially when comparing yourself to others is such a common thing for people to deal with (including myself sometimes) but everyone's gotta start somewhere!

Starting out anywhere is difficult in itself, but with things like this that are more sensitive subjects for people, I completely understand your uncertainty and nervousness about sharing this kind of content online. But as long as you're not hurting anyone or sharing harmful content, I don't see why people should be so stinky about others just trying to explore different parts of themselves and their interests.. Kinks shouldn't inherently be seen as something to be ashamed of just because someone doesn't understand it. I've been lucky enough to have close friends in this community who have helped me become more comfortable with myself and with sharing my chonky art, and I'm incredibly grateful for that.

I'm flattered you came to me for advice, I hope some of that can help you on your journey, and thank you for sticking around for so long, it means a lot to have your support ;;w;; 💖

I hope things go well for you! I'm cheering you on anon!!

[crazysodomite]

Heres the thing. obviously i understand how it feels when you spend hours upon hours and years upon years on your creations and they get almost no engagement or interest. and it has been said a million times before how you shouldn't base your self worth on social media responses and all. lets just say not everyone can flip a switch in their brain and say 'i dont care and will not pay attention to this anymore'. we all want to be seen and heard even if it comes in the form of numbers of likes and shares. and im not touching on the reality that if you want to make money off your art you need engagement because that's a whole different thing entirely.

the reality is that theres a lot of people on the internet and people curate their online profiles on what appeals to them. there are few people who will share art just for the love of the game frankly. people will share what fits their 'theme' or their fandoms and interests and not much aside from this. and if you don't create works that broadly appeal to a very high number of people your numbers will plummet. if you aren't creating works that make 10.000 people laugh/relate/want to have your work on their profile you won't get 10.000 shares and it doesn't reflect on you as an artist or as a person. its also why text posts/memes always get much more engagement than artworks. it's just easier to relate to a funny text post than to a piece of art (no matter the 'skill level' or whatever).

heres what i think and what concerns me. more often than not the amount of attention you get is never going to be enough if you focus on numbers. someone who routinely gets 10k shares will often be distressed that one of their pieces only got 5k shares. and so on and so forth. i personally think people need to focus on making community with peers. truth is that 1 person who is genuinely engaged and interested in your stuff is better than 100 people who press share and forget about it, no? if you engage with other people's creations and lift them up you will notice they will probably do the same for you! try to make friends (or at least internet neighbors. you know im too shy to befriend people so i understand) share and comment on other peoples stuff in your circle and you will start making mutual connections and start enjoying art more. obviously some people don't care to engage with other people and that's fine. you will find people who do! i just think focusing on numbers instead of community is not healthy. its like. if i go into inspect element and enter 100000 likes and shares for my artwork, how is that better? let's say my piece blows up. people will scroll away and forget. but that one mutual you made because you both love each others art and projects isnt gonna forget.

also some stuff i want to say as a guy whos in it for the love of the game.

self rb your art and dont depend on stuff blowing up in a day or whatever. talk about your pieces (if you want to obviously) your process, your ideas etc. talk about what excites you and what you liked in each piece. its easier to be engaged when You are engaged in your own stuff. also im talking about all types of artists sorry if what i wrote feels too visual arts focused i love all art forever

also about ocs and worlds and so on. personally if im scrolling and i see someone talking about their ocs im interested. but i wish it was more common to put info about your ocs in a visible place for people to access. I Will Read All That. people who are interested in your ideas but can't find a write up to understand what you're talking about are probably going to be confused. so like! if you'd like more engagement with your oc content try to make it easy for people to 'jump in'. creating tags for info of your ocs/world/etc is also a good idea (i will read all that). or dont. im not forcing anyone to do anything.

[hispillowprince]

not to "um akshully..." with my first post on my shiny new blog (that is exactly what i am doing),

but ao3 (and initially tumblr to an extent) is, to its core, a "proship" website. the funny thing about this more recent distinction between pro/antis, the terminology itself and the discourse surrounding it is that it's simply rebranding and packaging topics of censorship within spaces that exist for self expression by and for fans/nerds/outcasts/what have you.

the principle of using a tagging and filtering system to AVOID broader censorship (that more often targets marginalized groups and limits freedom of expression) is a progressive one. censorship that is out of the hands of the community is not. this does NOT mean that everyone should simply subject themselves to content that makes them uncomfortable, or that people shouldn't be held responsible for, you know, basic human decency and respecting boundaries with one another...which is why tagging and filtering systems are set in place for us to have the ability at our disposal without altering the experience for others. what it DOES mean is we know that understanding that distinction between fantasy and reality is often integral to our experience in fandom.

we are not spokespeople. we are not and should not be held to a standard of wholesome, squeaky clean representation in our own free time and space we have simply to have fun and find like-minded people. this isn't the writing room for a bloody disney channel program trying to make The Gays palatable to pearl clutching parents, and frankly, when websites like tumblr, fanfiction sites etc are hit with the banhammer, things tend to only go downhill from there and lose creativity and engagement (including sfw creatives!). censorship has always and will always target those that don't fit the marketing bill, aka unsavory "fans/nerds/outcasts/what have you," whom are often - you guessed it - marginalized people that utilize fandom as an outlet.

whether people use fiction to draw inspiration for their art, process and recontextualize things in their lives (like traumatic events, introspection, humanitarian issues and so on), find community or simply have a good time, it is something that makes the human experience so fascinating. we have always and likely WILL always fantasize, dream and create (and share in those things).

to me, the fundamentals of an anti-harassment or proship stance is not that fiction has NO bearing on people or their experience, but that without the ability to make our own decisions and boundaries for ourselves, we are inhibited from learning, progressing and breaking the barriers of what confines us. this includes - but is not limited to - sexuality and sexual content.

sexuality. sex. infamously a natural form of expression/communication that has been weaponized and stolen from people in a sickeningly long game of "if we can't sell it or use it to manipulate and instill fear into you, then we don't talk about it at all." this game is effective in its continued tired controversy over whether or not people are allowed to discuss icky, gross sex in ways that can sometimes challenge our relationship with it and how we've been socialized to approach it. WHY open discussion about these things is healthy and helps set a precedence for being safe and mindful with it.

how does this tie in with proshipping? it's an alignment of values with censorship in this way. it's symbolic, really. we reclaim power for ourselves, making our queer coded villains and monsters something to play with than to shut us out. giving our little faves toxicity as a treat because we know how harmful it is to navigate a world without anyone to guide us through the steps or understand our own history/ies. or, you know, just be horny and silly online and find people who want to do the same.

anyone who claims they're pro/anti and makes it solely about what they deem okay to harass others with earns them my opinion that they're an asshole. anyone who simply does not want to engage with/discuss something that may or may not be considered problematic or controversial is simply a person. we all have lines we draw for ourselves. much like how someone playing d&d or video games doesn't spawn evil cultists or violent criminals, exploring sexual themes through fiction does not a predator make.

so, on that note - the end, lol. i hope this drabble of not entirely coherent figurative fist shaking at the sky serves you, or doesn't. either way, you know what to do when you don't like something! it's called blocking, babeeey. gold star if you made it to the end of this fat essay lmao

drinking water is really important though fr like it's not just a memefied thing it's-

[dogpelts-art]

trigger warning: sexual assault (child sexual assault, animal child rape, grooming), mass harassment, zoophilia mention, beastiality mention, sexual nudity mention, self destructive behaviours

thank you everyone who sincerely wished for me to get help! fortunately i am already engaged with several therapists. i am thankful to the select few people who reached out & let me talk through everything with them, and helped me realize what was going on. this all led to me being able to speak about it with my support system and start working through my years of online exposure, break out of the cycle of harmful sexual behavior towards myself, learn to unpack why i felt the need to continue that unhealthy cycle and work on understanding the long term effects of animal on child rape, CSA, grooming, etc had on my hypersexuality, online presence and relationships.

turns out being dehumanized through years of sexual abuse and portraying those feelings by drawing yourself as a dog being sexually tortured is not normal behavior! crazy

trying to explore these very complex feelings through art ended with me, once again, exposing myself, my past trauma and my body to others. this is a vicious cycle and i now know just how dangerous, common, yet unspoken about the victimization cycle is for survivors of csa. this is why i won’t be apologizing for fleeing. it was the safest thing for me to do, not just because of some angry people on twitter, but from actual predators i was engaged with. i was in no state to speak up about everything considering all this entails.

in regards to the one zoophile i followed, they had ΘΔζ in their display name. from my understanding the first two are therian symbols (?) and i assumed the third was too. i assure you i shared the shock everyone else had when i realized what it actually meant. taking the time to actually look through shit & when i saw that person fantasizing about committing beastiality in their tweets, the realization hit that i was interacting with people who might’ve been harming real animals, it made me sick to my fucking stomach and thankfully changed my entire view on the situation. you are of course free to believe what you want, but i personally think it’s fucking insane that because of this mistake i am being made out to be someone who “actively endorses animal cruelty and rape”. i can promise you i’d have offed myself long ago if that was the case. i am horrified enough at myself for engaging in feral art at any point in my life but please know i do not align at all with people who wish harm or sexual acts on animals.

as much as i believe i was influenced during all this, i certainly did make decisions to make situations worse, including an attempt to make money, and i take full responsibility for that. i am sincerely sorry for any harm caused. none of this should have happened in the first place and it shouldn't have spiraled so far.

to reiterate and make clear: my art was not real and was not intended to represent reality. it was not meant to represent any harm or sexual acts being done to actual animals. it was not made to encourage zoophilia or acts of beastiality, nor did it represent my personal feelings towards animals. everything depicted was a character meant to represent parts of myself and used as a way to express feelings of dehumanization and to reclaim traumatic experiences. i am now of the understanding it was entirely wrong, and was unintentionally used by zoophiles. i am extremely sorry.

i promise you i have heard quite literally every variation of threat or disparage you could possibly make towards me. i wish to say that you are valid in your anger, however, all i ask is no other people get harassed. i have never and will never encourage hate speech of any kind, no matter what side you’re on.

the original callout itself inherently caused further harm to myself and others. i beg you to stop sending minors explicit porn and directing them to nsfw accounts. no drama is worth endangering more people.

i am putting hard limits on my future online presence and i simply won’t be further engaging with the furry community. however, art is something i am still passionate about and is my main source of income, so i am working on making that a safe activity for myself. my social media will be monitored with help from my disability support workers to help me with my muted fear response and lack of perception concerning safety & danger. i will not be personally interacting or messaging anyone, simply just using my platform to post illustrations. i am focusing on recovery, and you can choose to respect that or not. i know the harassment is something i will just have to live with, but know i will try not to be engaging with it for my own safety.

—

if you’ve experienced any form of sexual assault as a child, please know you have a higher risk of revictimization. protect yourself. learn from my mistakes. access resources, speak to trusted adults. follow your gut. being led to seeing yourself as an inhuman animal and object can be incredibly dangerous. you don’t deserve to feel that way. don’t let people treat you as such.

for those of you who are genuinely trying to do the right thing and need an outlet for your anger — rather than doxxing, threatening and sending mass harrassment to already at risk individuals, i encourage you to utilize your time, skill sets and donations to support your local animal welfare officers. consider joining animal protection forces. report evidence of occurring animal abuse to authorities.

thanks for reading.

[calumaai]

Further intervention into Algorithmic Violence

When researching through my cartoid interventions, I found experiential knowledge of algorithms and how they perpetrated violence against queer practitioners and how they censored and showed content to people that it seemed to know would interact negativly with it.

Ethically, this created a huge dilemma for me because I wasn't technically researching that. However, it alighted me on the navigational limitations imposed by users. So I dealt with that in two ways. I wrote a research paper so I could start to share within academic settings some of what was happening to these queer users. And I also went back and held another conversation with Michaela Stark, who had indicated through their first intervention how their images and their practises were constantly in dialogue with the rules and regulations of Instagram and being taken down or either promoted to a far right sides of the internet where they would be negatively received.

I reached out to their again to have a secondary conversation for an hour over zoom to focus in on the details surrounding a specific moment of algorithmic violence. In practise it was closer to the queer practitioner interventions rather than my more recent Cartoids, as there were no drawings created. I asked Micheala to show and tell me about their experience of this abuse. What I think is really interesting is we spoke very specifically about their experience with the Tate and how it seemed that this institutional validation of their work had been part of the cause that had made it go viral on Instagram and to navigate it to new places where it was so badly received.

It was interesting from a practitioner's point of view that Micheala had always been trying to bring in this kind of oppositional side to the work in question specifically. Originally the whole performance at the Tate was their reaction to people saying, Singer Sergeant's work shouldn't be referred to as fashion and shouldn't have been seen as fashion.

They told me that during the performance, they felt suffocated and they was channelling this feeling of an artist that's "suffocated, I was kind of channeling … the feeling… of working as like an artist or fashion designer, and that suffocation that you feel from the industry, from the hate online, there's no way that you can get out” So this really was about the realities of being a practitioner. They also argued with the Tate because the Tate was saying "they felt that if we let illustrators in, then I would be nothing more than a sitter, and the illustrators would be the real artists" Which again, makes clear subtleties around these institutional ideas of ownership, which echos in what we discussed with Instagram and who owns these images, who owns digital space? Is it the audience? Is it the poster who decides?

Micheala speaks to this really beautiful moment where they says, there was one woman that was there saying, “oh my god, I needed to pee the whole time” [but] ‘I saw you in so much pain and I wanted to live that through you’, so I just made myself hold it so I would be in pain” So I think this really frames what this post was about was already about concepts of ownership, concepts of beauty, concepts of art within institutional settings. What makes the this moment of kindness so harrowing is the response the performance got online.

I think it's important to note that Micheala had already censored these photos. They had altered the images so that they could be networked and so they could be networked without censorship, and they has a lot of bad experiences with Instagram taking down their work and the research they speaks of how the de platforming and the censorship is the most painful outcome thing for her. So they automatically preens themself so that that agency is retained.

This post, because it wasnt sensors, was able to be shared widely. So it was shared on the explore function. So Micheala says that it got 136,000 likes, 3.5 million views, and 94% non follower views, which for anyone who works in analytics and that kind of thing is major. And basically they was telling me that “Most of the comments was people getting really upset and riled up about the fact that it was institutional, that it was in the Tate; and them saying ‘This is not art. Like, what the fuck is this’ …   People saying art should not be disturbing, or should not make me feel this way, art should be something beautiful and easy to look at”  And we talked about their work being importantly confrontational and presenting new forms of beauty. Micheala presents new forms of beauty and questions, they present the very systems that stop other forms of beauty being institutionally recognised.

However, what Micheala said at the end of this, which I just think is really important to have noted here on the blog because it brings out about why I think this is so ethically important to talk about, is because they said to me as part of this, "I feel like my art doesn't belong to me anymore unless I take it completely offline." And what I think we have here is mob mentality and systems of exclusion that basically refuse queer users access to technology and to live their lives authentically online. Now, this is replicated from systems of oppression that we have in the physical world, but I think it's really important that especially when these technologies able to validate new modes of life that are not accessible and oppressed in the physical world, we now have as Freire would say, horizontal violence against practitioners to refuse them life in the digital world as well, and to de platform them and to intimidate them from sharing. that's why I think this research is so important, and I wanted to share that and it will sit in my research paper, but I also wanted to share it and reflect on it here.

[bettinaerquieza]

New Media, New Beauty Standards

"Beauty is an enhancement and not a replacement for who they really are on the inside. The key is being comfortable with YOU." - Ayesha Pough

As a child, I had never associated myself with any Disney princess. Instead, I would just wonder what it is like to be them. Upon growing up, I was judged on my capabilities solely based on my weight. I was convinced that I would never be called beautiful, because according to TV commercials and billboard ads, body hair, discoloration, and acne are unattractive. In generations, beauty is a slender build with a proportional amount of chest and a tight waist. Its skin tone is as bright and flawless as a white pearl. It also has a well-defined jawline, sharp and high cheekbones, a pointed nose, and a sensual full set of lips. Its eyes are large and bright like sparkling diamonds, and hair is as soft and shiny as newly woven silk. It has a greek god's face, symmetrical, and blemishes are nowhere to be found—indeed a magnificent work of art.

That's why seeing diversity nowadays in campaign ads and people advocating for body positivity—calling out whoever dares to label a fat person ugly or a skinny person anorexic, had given me so much joy and hope that society might be starting to change for the better. But until now, I still don't see something or someone I could relate to.

I understand that advertisements are made to attract the audience they are trying to reach. Though, as an aspiring media practitioner, I firmly believe that you can get through your target viewers without pinpointing people's insecurities or giving them an unattainable glamorized version of who they are or who they want to be. The impacts of how media portray a particular look can potentially affect so many people's way of seeing themselves whenever they look in the mirror. I also stand entirely behind the concept of improving yourself and aiming to be the person you want to be. However, you shouldn't lose yourself in the process by doing such. Your mental and physical well-being should never be jeopardized.

The rise of new media has enhanced communication among people through the utilization of technology. It is now integrated into our daily life because society depends so much on it for communication, such as contacting friends and family, staying up to date on the latest news and trends, and sharing memories, especially since the pandemic deprived us of meeting people in the flesh. Yet, while it advances, media has given us also the power to distort and reshape perspectives and realities—the complete opposite of its purpose. One of these is setting and presenting more beauty standards, impacting one's self-esteem, developing depression and anxiety due to body image dissatisfaction.

But now, as new media continuously develop, it includes individuals of different races, genders, ethnicities, and sexual orientations. Thereby focusing more on breaking stereotypes, also causing beauty to emerge and give us variation, making room for people of color, plus size, hairless, and people with gray hair and wrinkles. Gone are the days where we lack diversity. We are shifting towards a culture of being open and not only giving one representation of beauty.

Everyone is welcome. Every single one is beautiful.

But do we really believe that?

Everyone's concept and version of beauty can now be seen serving looks in New York Fashion Week, TV commercials, online posts, or on runways. Although, we cannot deny that media still gives us unrealistic beauty standards. In today's day and age, there is now an "appropriate-looking" plus-size body. Stretchmarks are now being glorified and considered attractive, but only when it's not dark and you have it on your thighs or butt and not on your stomach. All skin tones are now being recognized and appreciated, as long as they are glowy and flawless. Yes, we have evolved. However, our unattainable standards have, as well.

There are many outlets for beauty and fashion tips, yet these are not a guide to beauty. Instead, they are just another way to make many women and men feel as though they are worthless (Skolnick, 2020). The constant pressure to look sharp and perfect is still there, regardless of our body type and skin color. Social media often portrays augmented images and distorted truths, such that social platforms have become flooded with "ideal" qualities. No matter the platform, whether a social networking site like Instagram or a micro-blogging site like Twitter, people yearn to present their best self to the public (Washburn, 2018). With technology advancing by the minute and newer apps surfacing online, social media has an immediate effect on beauty. Due to the ever-changing body images depicted online, individuals are turning to social media handles for acceptance and support. (Henriques & Debasis, 2020)

That's why the evolution of beauty standards will never stop. If we keep on seeking validation and affirmation on social media, then solving this constant ongoing problem will never be achieved. Emphasizing that beauty is supposed to be subjective will never be firmly embedded into our hearts and minds.

Don't get me wrong, I, too, have allowed myself to be intoxicated by the poisonous notion that my beauty is based on the number of likes. I know getting compliments on your latest post can be so gratifying. Because all my life, I've always felt so out of place. Then whenever I get a notification that someone reacted to my photo, the sense of belongingness instantly sinks into my veins—I finally feel as though I am genuinely accepted by the world. But little did I know this was the one that would ruin me even more.

Beauty is subjective. As Margaret Wolfe Hungerford once said, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," meaning we all have our own definition, concept, and image of what it is to be beautiful. No one can ever dictate who you want to be and how you want to present yourself. We have to stop expecting everyone to understand it; what matters is that you appreciate your beauty, truly embracing every inch of it.

Let us learn to grasp that no amount of likes or comments people leave on our social media accounts will ever be enough to define your worth as a person.

Beauty is like a self-portrait. It is personal—yours to create.

Let us make that the beauty standard.

References:

Gee, R. A. (2018, July 25). Beauty By Soul Definition. . .. Thrive Global. https://thriveglobal.com/stories/beauty-by-definition/

Givhan, R., & Morales, H. R. (2020, January 7). The idea of beauty is always shifting. Today, it’s more inclusive than ever. Magazine. https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/article/beauty-today-celebrates-all-social-media-plays-a-role-feature

Henriques, M. (2020, September 21). Social Media and Its Effects on Beauty. IntechOpen. https://www.intechopen.com/chapters/73271

Mbabazi, B. D. (2019, October 31). Society and unrealistic beauty standards. The New Times | Rwanda. https://www.newtimes.co.rw/lifestyle/society-and-unrealistic-beauty-standards

Skolnick, S. (2021, June 12). Modern beauty standards and their effects on society. The Inkblot. https://theinkblotnews.com/10701/opinion/modern-beauty-standards-and-their-effects-on-society/

Washburn, A. (2018). Beauty Imbalance: Social Media's Dictation of Worth. Brigham Young University

[roswelldetails]

RNM 2x05 - I'll Stand By You

So just a little note from me, the person behind the season 2 detailing.  I am trying really really hard to keep emotion out of these posts...which is really really hard for me because I'm an inherently emotional person. I'm a glass case of emotion, ready to shatter at any given moment. (#dramatic)  But I want to be true to the intent of this blog and keep my feelings, biases, and, you know, shipping out of this blog.

It was really really hard to do with this episode. Because I straight up ugly cried for like, 45 of the 60 minutes. 😂

So I guess, the point is, I'm proud of myself and sticking to the details here. My regular blog is where I'm doing the emotional flip out thing! 😂

EPISODE SUMMARY:

ACCEPTING REALITY — The discovery of some complications with Max’s (Nathan Dean) pod forces Liz (Jeanine Mason), Michael (Michael Vlamis) and Isobel (Lily Cowles) to confront the possibility that they may not be able to save him. Elsewhere, Maria (Heather Hemmens) and Alex (Tyler Blackburn) make amends. Kimberly McCullough directed the episode written by Alanna Bennett & Jason Gavin (#205). Original airdate 4/13/2020. 

DETAILS:

Max/Isobel/Michael reunite at age 11 according to what Michael tells Alex in 1x10.  So that would make the opening of this episode set in 2002ish.

Michael tells Max and Isobel, "I remember you. I don't know you."

"After nobody adopted me for a year they just stuck me with the name of that trucker who found us."

"I didn't ask you for anything."

This is like the thesis statement of Michael's whole history with Max in the flashbacks.

"Don't pay more than you collect, kid. Passing credit back and forth is a good way to get stuck with somebody forever."

Rosa's art. 

What I can see says: "...what they all told me, but I didn't listen" and "Stand the shelter".

Rosa on her dreams

"I have not had any freaky dreams in weeks. Okay, Max is probably off haunting Isobel now that they're strong enough for their psychic twincest weirdness."

"How long has that been happening?"

"Um, I don't know. It's an old boom box."

"Rosa, have electrical appliances been malfunctioning around you?"

"I really thought it was just a side effect of the handprint."

"If being in the pod introduced a new protein into your system it could have altered your DNA too. You could be developing abilities."

"Liz, look. The handprint is changing.  It's smaller."

"It's fading."

"Tell me this is a good thing."

"I don't think so."

Michael and Liz theorizing on why the pod shorted out:

"The pod's got a charge. It's like a battery powering the preservation process. This one's gone dead."

"Did the generator blow the electromagnetic threshold?"

"I think a surge came from the pod itself. But that pod has lasted almost a century. It shouldn't glitch out."

"Okay, well, then, this one did."

"All right, stop. It doesn't matter why the pod is broken. It just is. So how long does Max have?"

"My theory is that being tethered to Rosa through the mark is what kept Max from going brain-dead, and in turn the stasis process is what kept the mark from fading. So he could be gone by tonight."

"Okay, well, we have three more pods. So let's just put him into another pod."

"No. He's just gonna do it again. I haven't told you everything. I didn't want to scare you. I didn't want to be the one that took the hope away."

"Talk now, Rosa. Right now."

"I was seeing Max in my nightmares months before I told you about it, and he was begging me to stop you. He said that he was in a lot of pain in there."

"That's Noah's pod. Noah told us it was broken. It wasn't keeping him in stasis. He could feel time passing. None of us thought of that."

"We've been doing everything we can to make Max stronger. He pulled his own plug."

Note...as far as we know Isobel was the only one who knew about Noah's pod being broken.  In 1x12 it was before Liz arrived at the house that he told them about the broken pod, so only Max and Isobel heard that part of the story.

Alex on his training. "NSA intelligence cryptology training".

Monitor screen in the secret lab:

Noah's heart is still too weak to transplant. Kyle says it needs at least eight more weeks

"I wrote a paper for a bioethics class on patients in vegetative states who feel pain. Sometimes it's all they feel."

As a non sciencey person, I was wondering if bioethics class was a real thing. Tonight I saw an interview on the news with a UC Berkeley bioethics professor on COVID. So yes, it's a thing.

Alex on Michael that summer post-Rosa's death:

Starting fights with jocks

Broke into the drugstore

Not going to UNM

Hasn't hung out with Max all summer

Got busted for stealing hubcaps (Kyle's hubcaps, we learn later) 

Became a walking bar fight

Was in jail when Alex left to enlist

Michael on Max in 2008:

"It's more than that. And it's less than that. We were friends when we were kids, but now Max reminds me of a bunch of stuff that I'd rather forget. The only thing that we have in common anymore is Isobel."

Max's yearbook had a pencil stuck in the page with Liz and Max's photo in it. (The one we first saw in 1x03).

"Biology Club. Max hated science. He was in that club for four years just to watch your sister chew on the end of her pencil."

Max's mindscape:

First just desert, clouds, and then lightning strikes (destructive energy?)

Liz's antennae -- they disappear from Isobel's hands

Rosa describes it as broken

Crashdown special is Max's favorite "Little Green Man milkshake".

The Crashdown counter is kind of merged with biology lab equipment. 

The juke box is there

The Crashdown booths

Jeep

Neon Crashdown sign

One of those claw drop game machines (from the Crashdown) but it's filled with baked good displays.

The yearbook

Later, everything else is gone except the one Crashdown booth, the Jeep, and the neon sign.

The distorted music they follow to find Max is the Cactus Groove song in the music list...just, messed around with. See @angsty-nerd's post here:

"I'm the hothead. You are the hero. It's always been that way."

"You stole the hubcaps off Kyle Valenti's graduation present. Both his parents are cops. Do you want to end up in jail tonight?". 

👀 Tonight, specifically. 

Michael seemed excited about the job at Foster's Ranch until he found out that Max set it up for him.  Max found out about it from his dad (only like the 2nd or 3rd mention of his dad in the series so far).

"When I got back in town I asked Max why you and your brilliant mind hadn't changed the world yet. He said you didn't care about the world enough to bother changing it. He believed you could."

Max and Isobel in the mindscape:

"You're okay. I could feel something was wrong with you.  Everything felt…"

"Cold. I know."

"You can't be here. It's finally ending.  I can feel it. But I don't know what happens if you're in my head when I die."

"So it's true? You want this?"

"I could feel my connection to the outside world getting stronger, so I snapped. I couldn't take it anymore. I released a surge. You have to let me go, Iz."

"I can't take it anymore."

"Okay."

"I am so sorry."

"I just want to memorize this."

"Okay. Okay.  I need you to tell Liz something."

"You can tell her yourself.  She and Kyle are prepping for surgery.  They're going to use the faulty heart. She just wants to talk to you before you die."

"No. No."

"You won't be suffering. They're just gonna bring you back and then let you go."

"No you have to stop this.  You cannot bring me back under any circumstances."

"Max? What is really going on?"

"I am dangerous.  Whatever Liz is bringing back is not me. It's just some broken shell."

Maria on her mom's computer 

"Her nurse said that for the two weeks before she went missing, when she wasn't trying to escape, she was talking to someone online."

The 21st birthday flashback

Isobel gets Michael to help move Max after getting drunk on tequila.  He passed out in front of the tattoo parlor. It's the same tattoo parlor Michael goes to at the end of the episode.

Max's weird drunken statement.

"The thing is, there has to be there. Okay? There's always three. Until the very end.  I'll show you...What it means is you should be here…'cause it's all broken without three. So we'll figure it out.  You'll find your way back."

👀 Until the very end. Interesting.

On Max becoming a deputy:

"You know he did the whole police academy thing because of you, right? He thinks you're gonna get into the kind of trouble you can't get out of if you don't know someone."

Back in the mindscape:

"I figured it all out. She, there's an energy to suffering, there's an energy to death, and when I heal people, I absorb that energy. So when I resurrected Rosa, I took in ten years of emptiness. So if you resurrect me, you will be bringing back an infection. Don't want… I don't want to come back as a monster. I don't want to hurt anyone that I care about."

"That's what this is about? We've been hurting, Max. We don't work without you."

"You will! You will. You are stronger now than when I died. All of you are. You, Michael, Liz, you will survive this. The three of you. No, you need to stop them, Iz. Now."

"Okay. I love you."

"You too." Isobel disappears.

Max is using pretty similar wording to his drunken rambles in the 21st birthday flashback

We don't see that Max is chained down until this next exchange with Rosa. Isobel didn't see that detail as far as we know.  Didn't hear the chains clanking when they stood and hugged. Only after Isobel left.

"I'm sorry this is happening."

"Isobel is lying. She is buying time.  You know she'll never let me go. But you can feel the darkness too, right? That's why you don't like being in my head. Because you know it's real."

"I didn't want that to be true, but yes."

"I know my sister and I know your sister and they'll never give up. So you have to be the one to stop this surgery, okay? Or I will destroy everything that we love. You have to stop them to save them. Now go.  Please, Rosa. Go."

Isobel explaining to Liz

"When he saved Rosa he absorbed all of that dark energy. He's gonna have to expel it."

"And he's afraid he's gonna kill someone when he does."

"Yeah. So we just need someone stronger than Max to take that hit...if he thinks he needs to protect us he obviously doesn't know how capable we are. Bring him back, Liz. I'll handle the rest."

"I get it now. It's gotta be the three of us."

"He would never pull his plug to end his own suffering. Unless he thought he was saving us from something. And I'm a little sick of his heroic martyr crap."

In case you missed it, Michael did not know that.  At the beginning of the hospital sequence Isobel is telling Liz what she learned in Max's mindscape and says that she hasn't been able to get ahold of Michael.  Michael figured it out on his own. He finally "got it".

The pacemaker:

Isobel with Max at the end… everything is gone except the Jeep. And Bright Eyes playing (the song he and Liz danced to on their first date back in 2008). And then his eyes close and Bright Eyes fades away.

“First thing I remember is the three of us. We woke up terrified and lost. But together. And then all of the sudden I was alone. I got real good at being alone. I had given up on people entirely. And then you found me again. Hell of hero move. You showed up just in time. When you are a kid who nobody loves, kindness is a currency. Friendship doesn’t means jack. Family just lies, and hurts, and leaves. I’ve only ever known love to be temporary. So yeah, I push people away. Every time someone threatens to care about me I test their love until they have to leave. Connection is conditional. Everybody eventually gives up on the guy who refuses to be rescued. But you were the only one who I couldn’t run off. You never believed me when I tried to be something I wasn’t. So this thing in your chest, it might give your heart a pretty solid kick every once in a while. Consider it payback. It’s my hero move, Max. If you wake up, you consider us even, okay? If you wake up, we can be a family.”

Good visual parallels during Michael's speech. Alex and Kyle drinking together during the "and then you found me again". Maria walking up on "the guy who refuses to be rescued"

Max is in the coma for three weeks.  Wakes up at the secret lab (instead of his house, which is where he was previously.  I'm guessing it was a planned wake up because he's no longer plugged into all of the IVs and whatnot.

"I begged you to understand."

"Max, it's gonna be fine."

"No… I told you to let me go. I can feel it inside me."

"It's...it's symmetry, okay? It's just energy for energy.  We can deal with that. Fight it, Max. This isn't you."

"I don't want to hurt you. I need to get out. I need to get away from you, from everyone."

"I can't let you do that."

Max shoves Isobel and runs. When he shoves her there's a slight ringing like the sound they use when the aliens use their powers.  Isobel follows and stops him with her powers.

"I made a promise that if you came back and you weren't Max, and you were actually going to hurt people that I would kill you. I figure, hey, you got to play God. Make life and death decisions all on your own. Well it's my turn now."

MUSIC:

1. Letters To Cleo "Here and Now"

2. Lady Antebellum "Love Don't Live Here"

3. Cactus Groove "Fallin"

4. James Talley "Big Thunder"

8. Ross Copperman "Stars Are On Your Side"

5. Lindsey Ray "Keep You Safe"

6. Tommee Profitt feat. Sam Tinnesz "With you Til The End"

7. Bright Eyes "First Day Of My Life"

The Cactus Groove song is the first song this season that I haven’t been able to find on Spotify… let me know if any of y’all had any luck with it!

[adziedoodle]

Hey Adzie! What are your thoughts on people, such as ImAllexx, accusing the Phandom of essentially ruining Dan's life and preaching that we basically shouldn't knowledge their bond/potential relationship at all, if you don't mind sharing?

(just want to apologise for all the commas and dashes -  I honestly have no idea when the right time to use one is i just do it when my brain pauses in a sentence and it makes it easier for me to process what i’m saying when reading back ahaha)

–

I don’t really want to watch a monetised discussion video to Dan’s coming out video tbh. From what I’ve seen others who have watched it and have saide about what it involves, it seems Alex is jumping on a misinformation and inexperienced-of-the-phandom-history train to voice an opinion and create more talk about and in a community that already has a bad public image from (understandably not so good) past behaviours of certain individuals/groups of individuals. 

Again, I doubt this was Alex’s intention, and I think without proper pieces to the puzzle, it’s easy to fill the gaps with your own opinions and speculations of the people involved. Heck I may be being a bit hyprocritical here for not .. watching the video but… err … overall, I mainly trust Nora’s @pseudophan​ judgement that she expressed in her reply tweets here because it’s my understanding she’s a fan of Alex’s videos usually and I feel like she’d be able to shape an opinion  regarding his content and new video better than I could :). I also agree with others who are adding to the points Nora gave (the majority seem to be saying this).

–

Speaking outside of Alex’s video - There’s been this weird rise of people saying stuff along the lines of ‘DON’T FETISHISE DAN AND PHIL, STOP MAKING THIS ABOUT PHAN’ … and I just wanna add my two cents…

1) in regards to fetishising - I want to argue the majority of folks NOW aren’t sexualising dan/phil/their relationship - from what I’ve seen, solely on twitter mind you, it’s just folks reminiscing or being reminded of on old content that’s already public and applying a new context now that we know more about Dan, and from this, enjoying the idea of two, now out, queer people being happy together (in interactions or in a relationship) ☺♡ That can sadly still be a rarity in this world we live in, so it’s honestly just… heartwarming to see! People should be allowed to enjoy that!

I think I’ve mentioned this before already, but I speak for myself as a queer person when I say I’ve always resonated with both Dan, Phil, their experiences, and their seemingly growing harmonious, happy and safe relationship, even before I really knew I was queer myself, and now I have more knowledge about who they are and what that means to them themselves, it ultimately shines a more validating light over all of what they’ve done together and shared with us ♡ 

I believe if others like me wanna express that joyful reassurance (or any other feeling, or just general joy for dan and phil) in the form of a fan fic, fanart etc. - which dnp, even before they were out, have both expressed multiple times is OKAY, and even taken part in themselves both in TABINOF, their videos and TATINOF, and II. It’s simply a form of creativity, feeling and I honestly think D&P have expressed enough. They GET IT and it’s okay to do.

To reiterate, boundaries should be established and respected, but overall I believe the majority of people are happy for Dan (and Phil) and their relationship they have. If I haven’t impled already -  it’s empathy, it’s relatability, it’s forming a community and expressive art of all kinds in that community around those things. 

I’d also argue, there are those who wanna disrupt all that jazz, those who don’t feel the same way (not the ones who don’t mind/care like y’all chill but the ones who get angry at it all or feel the need to protect Dan and Phil from ??? it??), are usually the ones who ignored and denied this outcome of Dan (and/Phil) coming out / being together ever being a possibility in the first place. 

Yes, there is definitely an issue of folks sexualising online personas of real people, and it’s hard to tackle because it’s still so new in the grand scheme of things… and yes, fetishising queer people in general, outside of the phandom, is very much a thing …but I want to believe most of those/us involved in the phandom have grown from and past the evidence folks (like Alex) used which, from what I’ve seen people say, is dated.  I want to believe it’s different, we’re different now and from that… I want to believe one of the reasons Dan came out now��is because he’s felt that change and difference too.

2) In regards to ‘phan’ - Dan made it clear in his video, his queer story, that Phil was a vital part of it. Phil was a vital part of his growth in feeling safe and happy and it’s likely without that, Dan wouldn’t be where/who he is today or out and proud like he is now.  The audience/phandom who’d I’d argue are of a majority queer/LGTBQIA+ which adds a whole over layer I’ve already expressed embracing and continuing to love this aspect of Dan’s life that/who happens to also be Phil, is not on the same level as someone being like ‘omgggg phan is real’ or ‘omggg my ship is canon!!’.  I feel like this is a very common misconception people have of the [demon] phannies/people who appeared to ‘ship’ D&P… in and outside the phandom.

I want to put forward also that generally speaking ‘phan’ is a term used to abbreviate ‘dan and phil’s relationship’, usually in romantic/sexual/whatever contexts, so in a way, yes, at the same time, TECHNICALLY, ‘phan’ is and has been real, but NOW, with new context (and for those who discovered/concluded this for themselves before Dan’s video), it’s not about shipping or our perception of what D&P’s relationship is, so ‘phan’ as a term isn’t necessary – and, really wasn’t ever but !! language is annoying.  – it’s about the reality of D&P and what their relationship is to each other. 

Personally speaking, I’ll say what I’ve said for the last few years when I moved away from ‘shipping’ them and seeing myself and my relationship in them/theirs… I just like seeing two people I care about, care about each other and be happy together. The layers of them being men expressing themselves openly with each other (and us), men who have experienced something ‘more than romantic’ together, queer/gay/out men who describe themselves as ‘soulmates’ is significant too. They’re going to mean something to people and honestly to just say that we’re ‘making it about ‘phan’’ as a ship, is not cool and a misunderstanding of what’s really happening. 

I think, if people want to use the term ‘phan’ for convenience (e.g. I use ‘phan’ as a tag just to categorise any content to do with dan and phil, it isn’t to do with their relationship aside from the fact that they do stuff together) instead of using the clunky ‘dan and phil’s relationship’ phrase like I have been doing throughout this reply - that’s like.. okay.. imo. It’s not ideal, sure, but, it communicates what you’re trying to say clearly! Again. Language is annoying, communication is hard when it is.

here are a few other cool tweets with points that I attempted to repeat but honestly don’t do justice so please read for more insight into all this (and if you’re gonna say anything, be nice to the OP’s pls #nicerinternet):  X , X, X, X , X this one isn’t entirely related but it made me cry so, X , X , X,

–

I hope.. I worded this okay.. I may come back and edit it . anyone’s welcome to add what they think in response to anon’s original message! thank you for sending your message anon and allowing me a chance to get my rambly thoughts out!

[underestimated-heroine]

when you put it like this, I can sort of understand where you're coming from. Like when you have a hobby that's purely just for fun, it's annoying to hear criticism.

But the thing is that, to me, it's fine if writing fics is just a hobby, but if you really can't deal with criticism you shouldn't post/share your writing online. Writing fics isn't even a hobby like knitting sweaters then wearing them out, where if someone was like, "oh, you hand knitted that? lot of dropped stitches, there 👀" that would be annoying.

But shared fics are literally meant to be read & enjoyed by people with the same interests. There is an entire review/comment section inherent to fanfiction websites. There are lists of fic recs and even memes about popular fics.

Also, and I'm honestly not trying to fight or anything, like it's totally okay if we agree to disagree, but people do offer unsolicited criticism on fan art. At least they definitely offer it on my friends' fan art, like, all the time. I have one friend with a unique art style who's constantly getting comments/PMs like "your lines need work" or "do your figures have to look so bloated? It's kinda ugly lol" and it annoys her and a lot of it is stupid, but at the end of the day her attitude is, "I chose to post it online, and when you post something online for public consumption, you have to be ready to deal with the peanut gallery and decide if receiving the positivity is worth learning how to let the negativity roll off your back."

And honestly, I think that's my bigger frustration here: amongst fanfiction authors & readers nowadays, I feel like there is this huge separation from reality where I'll read takes like, "I only read/write fanfiction and that's just as good as reading and writing original stories/books"

yet when someone comments on their fic and is like, "um hey so I was really enjoying your story, but then completely out of the blue your female character punched your male character in the face, and all the other characters are on her side??? is there any chance you could tag this as abuse?"

And they'll be like, "that's not ABUSE it's a TROPE. Learn not to offer unsolicited criticism on someone's work." *Comment thread blocked*

Like there are a surprising number of fanfiction writers and readers these days who want all the benefits and esteem that come with producing, sharing, and consuming original art, yet none of the responsibilities or consequences. And idk I just think that's a big problem, actually.

Again, though, I'm aware we probably at least partly agree, and it's totally okay if we don't. I know you as a mutual and I definitely respect your opinions and everything. I'm also aware that not everyone's gonna feel the same way I do about this and that's totally alright lol. It's fandom. Like a wild creature, it can't be tamed.

One take I just do not get, as someone who's written fics, is, "omg how dare you comment unsolicited criticism this is harassment."

I even read something recently that said, "you know, people who don't like books quietly put the books down and keep it to themselves." ???

No, they fucking do not. Nor have they ever.

I'm sorry you apparently have never heard of "book reviews" but also I'm not surprised, because the person who believes this pretty much exclusively watches TV & reads fanfiction based on the TV they watch. But yeah, book reviews & public criticism of literature are, in fact, a whole thing which can absolutely affect the success and popularity of someone's work and that is something authors have to learn to deal with.

That's the thing about art: once it's made public for anyone to see and enjoy, anyone can shit on it or criticize it in the spaces which are provided for the public to do so. And those spaces will always exist.

When I publish something online, it is summarily open to criticism from anyone who might stumble upon it. People have commented some pretty shitty stuff on my fics, also just unsolicited criticism--some of which was invaluable, once I swallowed my pride enough to actually consider what was being said.

Like I'm sorry but I just do not get this attitude. At the end of the day, you're free to publish fanfiction insomuch as readers are free to criticize & review it, and calling it "harassment" when it happens is indicative of an incredibly shitty attitude, whether it is occasionally true or not.