#this should’ve gone in my journal instead of on tumblr dot com

[mostesteemedgingeroverlord]

It’s about to be my birthday and I just keep thinking about how *much* the last year has been.

I lost my darling grandfather, but I’m slowly getting my dad back. Or maybe just truly having him for the first time. But that’s also mostly happening be he’s been sick for months, which is making him reevaluate a lot.

My parents are closer and healthier than ever, but they’re also barely scraping by because Dad can’t work.

My aunt who I have been very close to as an adult said some really hurtful things to me when Granddad was dying and now there’s a weird distance between us that I don’t know how to breach. But as I was crying about that my mom called me and told me how proud she was of me and how much it meant to her that I was there taking care of Granddad when she couldn’t.

My oldest brother is growing ever distant and into someone I’m afraid won’t be a kind and gentle man. But my younger brothers and sisters are growing kinder and wiser and, God, I am more hopeful for them than I have been in years.

My friend who I went to college with and have traveled the world started fighting with other friends and pulling away from us. But my friend who moved away last summer has become closer than when she was here and now we’re going to travel together (provided my finances become less bottom up lol).

I’ve given up on the idea of best friends (I was never too keen on it to begin with) and I’m trying to ride the waves of closeness as they come, bc very few of my close friends have remained the same for the last year. Even fewer the last five. I could certainly count them on one hand. But that’s okay! You can’t always love a lot of people and love them all equally well. At the end of the day, we’re finite and we most affect and are most affected by the people in our lives day to day.

My roommates both moved out (for separate reasons) right as several (more) things on the house went wrong and now I am back to paying for the mortgage by myself with a savings that has been wiped out by weddings and family problems as well as house problems over the last year.

My faith, as always, walks a razors edge, as I wrestle not let truth fall prey to opinion and desire. Trying to understand the things that bewilder me, to be faithful to God, to know and love Him, is slowly becoming easier. Setting down my burden, learning truly to be weak—oh I so hate to be weak— is healing me. In a lancing the wound, cutting out the gangrene, pouring alcohol on the cut kind of way. But in my core, in my heart of hearts, I believe and know (despite all the religious corruption I grew up in), that this Jesus was who he said he was and that truth must decide my life.

I once hiked a trail that I was not in the best shape for. But I had trained for it and was in better shape than I had thought. I got so hungry, but there were enough snacks. I was so thirsty, but we had plenty of water. I got winded, but there was enough time for me to take breaks. My legs were burning, but finally we started to go downhill. My brother got cold, but I had an extra jacket. We got frustrated, but we started to be silly and soon were laughing. I got disheartened, but my brother ran ahead to tell me there was a sign (parking lot one kilometer ahead).

I would not have been strong enough to do that hike unequipped and alone. But I was equipped and I wasn’t alone. Just as I have not been unequipped and alone the past year or the past twenty-five. And I won’t be for whatever’s left.